WEBVTT - Between the Sheets with Dr. Viviana Coles 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.399 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:10.160 This week's therapy, We've got Vivianna Coles. She has a 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:14.360 masterclass out coming June tenth at twelve thirty pm Central. 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:17.320 It's called Pillow Talk with Doctor Vivienna, a free masterclass 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:22.599 to enhance your relationship. Let's get her on. Hi, Hi, Well, 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:24.840 thank you so much for coming on the show. We 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:28.480 really appreciate it. I'm Jana and this is my fiance. 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:30.680 Alan, so, hey, hi, guys. 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:32.760 I thought it'd be fun to bring him on for 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:35.760 this one because it's all about intimacy. 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:39.000 You don't know about it, you don't know yet, but 0:00:39.040 --> 0:00:40.600 you're in the hot seat and you can't leave. 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:42.479 I know. There. 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:44.559 Our heart was like, hey, do you think Alan can 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:47.239 maybe join the show? And when you know and I 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:49.040 knew the I saw it was you as a guest, 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:50.720 and I was like, oh, man, do I tell him 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:53.320 beforehand or do I just surprise him that, hey, babe, 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:55.120 this is about I mean, it's not just about sex, 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:57.840 but intimacy is so much more than sex, which which 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:00.160 I think kind of for me is one of my 0:01:00.160 --> 0:01:03.760 first questions because I think for so long I just 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:08.480 connected sex as intimacy and didn't realize that it's so 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:10.959 much more than just being physical with someone. 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:14.319 Well, and it's it could be so much more in general, 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:17.480 but it's also more important whether or not your partner 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:20.520 thinks it's so much more right and having that insight, 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:22.920 So yeah, we can We're definitely gonna have to get 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:23.520 into all of it. 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:26.920 So what do you think with that? Like, how you 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:29.520 know because I think or do you actually? Do you 0:01:29.600 --> 0:01:33.800 think that women need a little bit more of that 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:38.280 intimacy before kind of getting into things. 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:40.880 So a lot of times what I'm seeing because I've 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:43.800 been now a therapist and seeing clients for like over 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:47.440 twenty years and I predominantly work with this allan, so 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:51.600 just know you're in good hands. I would say intimacy 0:01:52.080 --> 0:01:57.160 for women in general, like very broad terms. We usually 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:02.240 want to have and feel the emotional connection before getting 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:06.440 that physical connection, and oftentimes, but not always, men feel 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:09.519 the opposite. Usually we get our wires crossed and we're 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.360 kind of judgmental about each of them and we can't 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:15.720 really understand how somebody would need to have the physical 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:19.000 before they had the emotional and others like, well, how 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:21.000 could you get the emotional with that, I mean it's 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:22.919 like this whole wire's crossing. 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:25.560 So with that, I will kind of bring this into 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.760 our bedroom a little bit, because there's times when I'm like, babe, 0:02:28.760 --> 0:02:32.760 can you date me first? And I don't mean like 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:34.720 take me on a physical day. I mean, sure, you 0:02:34.760 --> 0:02:36.680 know we have date nights and stuff, but he'll want 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:38.280 to kind of just get right to it and if 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:41.720 it's had, if it's been, maybe we don't ever go along. 0:02:41.760 --> 0:02:43.000 I mean, I'm not going to get too into our 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.720 sexual life, but you know, I just sometimes want the 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:48.760 little I want to be dated in bed a little 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:51.480 bit before had sometimes not all the time. 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:55.519 Don't apologize. This is exactly what we're talking about today, 0:02:55.560 --> 0:02:58.360 and it's going to be yeah, like don't apologize well. 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:01.680 Because sometimes I like to just do it, and you know, 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:03.680 I love that piece of it, like it's fun for 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.639 me too, but I do I'd prefer the the dating 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:10.520 in bed before and so but I almost feel and 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:13.080 this isn't I almost feel like sometimes that's kind of 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:16.760 not annoying to you, but just like why like I 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:18.800 date you all day kind of vibe? 0:03:19.520 --> 0:03:23.320 No, I think, don't get misunderstood by this. We have 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:28.840 a healthy relationship the most. Yeah. Yeah, So going back 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:32.480 to your point about this is the tendency of what 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:35.040 a woman may want and what a man may want 0:03:35.080 --> 0:03:38.160 when it comes to not just sex, but intimacy and 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:41.080 affection and other things that go along with it. But 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:45.280 with that, there's a there's a fine line with the 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:48.920 man and the women feeling rejected because the needs are 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:53.840 the opposites. Really like a man would probably and I 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:56.120 think about like the cave Man era when it's like, 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:58.120 I want to be spontaneous, I want to I want 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:00.920 to make love, I want to have sex, but I 0:04:00.960 --> 0:04:03.200 want to be dated. I want to feel I want 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:06.240 you to touch on my emotional side. So how do 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:08.480 couples deal with like? I think they're really good at 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:11.840 understanding each other. Yeah so, but a lot of couples 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:13.680 wouldn't be like that. So how do they deal with 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.240 the well, I feel rejected and the guys like, well, 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:18.320 I feel rejected because I'm trying to make love to 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:21.120 you and you don't want to and you want the 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:24.040 emotion but you're not getting it, so that the women 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:26.840 feels rejected. How does that? How do you how do 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:27.960 you help couples with that? 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:31.719 I love that question. And it's exactly what has been 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:34.880 on my mind and on my radar to a really 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:39.880 large extent in the recent past. Because so I like 0:04:39.960 --> 0:04:44.560 to call it an underlying current of sensuality, and I 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:48.480 believe that every long term relationship should try to nurture 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:50.919 that and maintain that. And what I mean by that 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:54.080 is so that it doesn't feel like you're going from 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:56.279 cold to hot or like you're having to flip with 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:00.000 light switch on. It's important to have that underlying current 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:02.400 of sensuality. And now I call it pillow talk. I 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:06.120 want you to pillow talk outside of sexual experiences, outside 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:09.400 of the bedroom, so that it makes sense to have sex. 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:11.840 It makes sense when you come over to her and 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:14.279 like mezzle her neck and she's not like wait what, 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:17.479 like where is this coming from? Or the opposite where Janna, 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:20.360 when you initiate and he's he's going to be like, wait, 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:22.440 you even't like looked at me in a week now, 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:24.160 obviously I don't know that that's your thing. 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:28.040 We have a very strong sexual connection like that's probably 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:31.760 it's it's great, like it's it's really it's great, Like 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:34.159 I love it. So there is we're and we're always 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:37.680 like touching and and like that's kind of our Like 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:41.560 we're constantly like you know, touching and doing even through 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:43.640 the house like a butt grab or a whatever. Like 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:48.080 it's there's always some sort of physical touch during the day. 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.640 But but sometimes you know, if it's yeah, if we 0:05:50.680 --> 0:05:52.320 had a busy day and then all of a sudden 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:54.359 you're starting you're like, ah, like I kind of tired 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:57.440 with three kids, and you know, but I think what 0:05:57.480 --> 0:05:59.280 you were kind of saying though, too is but both 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:02.760 people want the same thing. I think it's some you know, 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:05.040 they're both wanting the same thing. That might just the 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:08.000 technique of getting there is where you come in. 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:11.280 Well, you love each other, you like each other, you 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:14.240 enjoy sex with each other, you have sex. But for 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:16.479 a lot of couples, what I'm noticing is that it 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.960 just feels like it comes out of nowhere, Like there's 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.040 no real way to know that there is that kind 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.960 of air between you. Doesn't sound like that's the case 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:26.680 for you, It's not the case for me and my 0:06:26.760 --> 0:06:30.120 husband of nearly seventeen years. Like, I totally get it, 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:32.760 I get it, but it always hasn't always been that way. 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:35.440 A lot of couples struggle with that because life is 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:37.080 life then and it gets in the way and all 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.880 of that, and a lot of couples, especially those with 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:42.720 children or with jobs or with property to manage all 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:45.159 of that, and they don't do the touching, they don't 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:47.039 do the kissing every day, They don't even say I 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:48.880 love you every day. They just kind of assume it. 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:52.560 And that's when sex can really kind of fall off 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:53.080 the table. 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:56.839 So to say, is there a number that you're like, 0:06:56.920 --> 0:07:00.560 this is what a this is what should be that 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:02.920 you should be doing, or kind of a goal for 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:04.800 how much sex you should be having. I know it's 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.560 different for everybody, but I mean there's got to be something. 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:10.360 I know all that. I know everybody's different. I totally 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:12.440 get that, you know, what works for some people don't 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:16.600 work for others, But you know, I mean for us 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:18.680 as a what do you suggest? 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:22.440 So what I suggest is twice a week to have 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:26.000 some sort of sensual experience with one of them, hopefully 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:32.640 being something maybe orgasmic, maybe intercourse related, maybe something more sexual, 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:36.800 but at least two experiences. And again, what that is 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:39.400 everybody looks different. I'm not going to yeah, you're young, 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:42.320 you know whatever, but it could be like a massage, 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:45.040 or it could be just laying together nude. It could 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:48.200 be in the shower, just taking a shower together. It 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:51.880 could be talking in the tub. It could be sex, 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:53.560 It could be oral it you know, it could be 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:56.080 any of those things, trying a new toy, role playing, 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.040 any of that. I suggest twice a week to stay 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:00.200 healthy good. 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:07.200 I've got a question since you've you've done master classes 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:10.760 and you're you're clearly an expert in your field, so 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:15.040 I mean we're in a healthy phase. So what I 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:17.520 don't want to do is talk about hours too much 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:20.400 because we've got viewers and listeners. So I think putting 0:08:20.400 --> 0:08:22.760 it out to the to the masses on what may 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:26.720 be issues for other people is how do people overcome 0:08:27.600 --> 0:08:31.760 like if they're in a relationship and those those resentment, 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:36.600 or there's being disrespect or there's been periods of cheating, 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:40.560 or even if it's something as simple as they've let 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.199 themselves go and they're not attracted to each other any longer, 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:47.800 how do people rescue the intimacy and affection and sex 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:53.119 and those types of relationships with those those negative impacts. 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:56.920 Yeah, well, first of all, just acknowledging that in any 0:08:57.120 --> 0:09:00.760 long term relationship you're going to experience and those sorts 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:03.080 of issues, you know. I think about it in terms of, 0:09:03.120 --> 0:09:06.920 like our planet has been hit countless times by meteors. 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:09.320 They're not always big, but most of the time they're small. 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.000 But it's going to happen. When you live long enough together, 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:15.520 you're going to have something hit you. So you're not 0:09:15.600 --> 0:09:17.240 alone in that. And I think a lot of people 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:21.160 question should we even be together if we're struggling with communication? 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:23.880 Should we even be together if we're going through this drought, 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:26.560 and they kind of go straight to this, Oh my gosh, 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:29.480 this hit us. Now can we even go you know, 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:32.880 get through it? If you struggle with an issue for 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:36.480 longer than six months on your own and you've tried 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.480 whatever that looks like, quote unquote, I want you to 0:09:39.520 --> 0:09:42.120 get help professionally. If you want to invest in your 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:45.520 long term relationship, just know relationship therapists, this is what 0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:47.600 we do day in and day out. We work with 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:50.400 couples and we've seen I mean, especially if you've done 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:52.240 it as long as I have, We've seen all sorts 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:55.000 of things. We can help, but you have to seek 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:58.600 it out otherwise you probably are going to experience blow 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:00.720 after blow after blow and not a good way for 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.320 a really long time. The other thing that I would 0:10:03.320 --> 0:10:07.520 say about overcoming it is acknowledging it. Acknowledge that there's 0:10:07.559 --> 0:10:09.959 an issue in the relationship so that your partner doesn't 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:13.560 feel like they're alone or you know, sometimes when you're like, ah, 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:15.480 they're kind of in a bad mood, I'm not really 0:10:15.600 --> 0:10:17.480 I don't really want to talk about it because I 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:19.559 don't want to bring it up. It might make things worse. 0:10:20.000 --> 0:10:22.400 You're only going to make things worse if you don't 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:29.680 bring it up, and so acknowledging it openly is very important. 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:44.200 For the listener that feels rejected in this space of intimacy, 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:47.680 What is your advice for that, because I, you know, 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:50.400 not to bring up past stuff, but just relating off 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:55.760 of past. When I had a partner that struggled with intimacy, 0:10:55.840 --> 0:10:58.280 all I thought was it was my belief that I 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:03.560 wasn't either pretty enough or good enough, or it didn't. 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:06.120 It just always kind of went back to what I 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:08.439 was doing wrong or what I was doing wrong. And 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:11.320 even I know now it had nothing to do with me, 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:13.840 but and I can make sense of that now. But 0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:15.719 for the person that is trying to make sense of that. 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.959 What would be something useful for them to kind of 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:23.199 rest in in that, you know, place of not feeling 0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:25.720 like a feeling it's them. 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.840 Well, again, I'm a big fan of therapy, so doing 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:33.600 that also really finding out if it's very specifically that 0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:36.080 you're having troubles with intimacy. I would say read my 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.640 book The Four Intimacy Styles. Take the quiz. It's a 0:11:38.640 --> 0:11:40.960 free quiz online. You can check that out to help 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:43.400 you to at least start the language look like, know 0:11:43.559 --> 0:11:45.800 the terminology, know what you're talking about, so that it 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.200 can start. You can start that communication with your partner. 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:50.240 The other thing that I would tell you to do 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:54.000 is don't go straight to the personal. Chances are there's 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:56.360 a lot going on in your partner's life that it 0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:59.559 really has nothing to do with you, And so maybe 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:02.120 starting off with that, like, hey, babe, I've noticed that 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:05.760 you really haven't shown interest in me lately. What's going on? 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:07.520 You know? Is there anything going on in life that 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:09.840 I don't know about? Is there anything on the horizon 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.040 do you see kind of the do you see the 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:15.320 light in the tunnel? And maybe I can become aware 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:17.120 of that. I just want to know where we stand 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:20.959 with this. Don't think that asking is going to exacerbate 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:23.480 the issue. That's part of the work of being in 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:25.920 a long term relationship. You need to ask those hard questions. 0:12:27.320 --> 0:12:29.360 I think it's hard too because I have I know 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.520 people that struggle with I've had a long day, I 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:34.679 don't want to be intimate, like it's just and then 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:37.199 the pressure of going, oh gosh, now they're going to 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:39.880 want to because it's bedtime and having that anxiety of 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:42.360 going to bed. Is it the same thing with that, like, 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:44.800 communicate with them like, hey, I know you probably want to. 0:12:44.920 --> 0:12:48.640 I'm just not It's not you. It's like what do 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:49.160 you do with that? 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.360 Yeah? So I guess another little rule that I come 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:55.800 up with that is just a guide more than anything, 0:12:55.920 --> 0:13:00.560 is don't reject your partner's sexual advances more than three 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:04.800 times in a row, because without any sort of explanation, obviously, 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:08.080 if you're feeling sick, if you're going out of town, like, 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:10.000 there are certain things that you just can't do. But 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:14.240 I would say again, part of nurturing that relationship is 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:16.679 sometimes to suck it up and put yourself in that 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:19.959 mood if you need to, you know, really date yourself. 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:24.720 If you need to maybe do some tub time, or 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.840 read an erotic book or listen to some audio erotica 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:31.240 to get you into the mood, you know, ask for 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:34.280 a massage, like do whatever it takes. But I would 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:35.880 say more than three times in a row, and it 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:37.439 starts to get where it's like, well, I'm not even 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:41.280 going to try, and then it builds and turns into 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:42.280 something so much more. 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:43.720 Yeah. 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:47.319 Yeah, I think it comes back to like you've mentioned 0:13:47.400 --> 0:13:52.520 communication and how powerful that is, and I think I've 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:55.520 always got and we speaking with us a lot, don't 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:59.280 we We've always get the mindset of in order to 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:02.079 maintain the intimacy and the power of the intimacy and 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:05.920 our relationship, then we need to really maintain the purity 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:06.719 of the relationship. 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:08.920 What do you mean by that? 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.760 I think in my head like intimacy goes when resentment 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:16.480 comes in. If someone if someone has broken boundaries, are 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:22.480 broken respect or the values of the relationship, then I 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.720 think there becomes an issue. So I think we we 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:28.640 really put that at the forefront of keeping the relationship. 0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:31.520 You are making sure your trust and respect. Is Is 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:33.360 it the top of the Is it the top of 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:37.320 the chain, because it limits the resentment. That limits the 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:41.560 negative thoughts, It limits the voice inside your head or 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:43.600 the voice inside my head. So I think we're really 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:47.800 good at that side of that side of things, although 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:51.080 we're not. We're not perfect, but we try and maintain 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:52.760 and like intimacy that way. 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.280 I love that trust and respect are they are huge 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:59.520 hallmarks of a healthy relationship, and I have noticed that 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:03.240 with my client. If respect has left, even if it's 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:07.480 just you know, temporarily, like if people are starting to 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:11.800 be out of talking, just awful to each other, that's 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:13.320 the first thing I want to put a stop to. 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.760 And that usually includes like, Okay, don't curse at each other, 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:20.360 don't call each other names, don't be sarcastic, because if 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.560 you're not in a good place, all of those things 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:27.040 are just adding kindling, you know, to the issue. And 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:30.680 so I love that. And then trust also reminding couples 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:36.680 that sharing how you feel builds trust, withholding feelings breaks 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:38.960 it down, whether you know it or not. So I 0:15:39.000 --> 0:15:41.680 love that that's something that you're encouraging your listeners and 0:15:41.720 --> 0:15:42.400 yourselves to do. 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:45.680 Yeah, I just think we never want them to be false. 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:49.640 And if something is, if something is broken off ractual, 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.520 then that antimacy can become false and that's something that 0:15:52.520 --> 0:15:55.080 we really cherished, don't they, Well, I. 0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:57.600 Think because we both know how much it can fracture 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:00.960 a relationship. Yeah, so it's important into us to keep 0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:06.640 that at the top for sure. What is something that 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:09.760 you when what's the first I mean is it is 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:12.960 it the you know, swearing at each other or like, 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:14.600 what's the what's one of the things that you when 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:16.720 you're sitting with your couples that you're just like, oh, like, 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:19.120 I wish they would just stop this one thing. 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:23.120 Assuming that they know exactly what their partner is thinking 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.080 or what's going to come out on their mouths. That 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:27.520 happens all the time. And if you're with somebody along 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.080 and maybe you might be right, But when you're trying 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:32.680 to do things differently and you're hoping to change the 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:35.400 dynamics of your relationship, the first thing you need to 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:38.480 do is is not assume that you know exactly what's 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:40.840 going to happen, because then you're basically cutting it off 0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:44.200 at the knees. You're cutting change off at the knees. So, yeah, 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:44.880 don't do that. 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:47.800 I do have one quick because you're you know, obviously 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:51.440 you sit with couples, and I was watching an interview 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:54.640 another podcast, I think it was Nick Biles where he 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:56.840 had a therapist on. There he was and the lady 0:16:56.920 --> 0:17:00.640 was saying, you know, she actually was saying that sometimes 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:03.160 couple's therapy is you know, it's not that she's saying 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:06.760 it's not good, but sometimes it's it's not really helpful 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:10.560 because it's you're bringing up so much stuff that's it's 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:13.040 almost like causing more issues. Is that what's kind of 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.400 your And I don't know exactly how it was said, 0:17:15.440 --> 0:17:17.160 It kind of just like hurt a little snippet of it. 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.840 Certainly. Yeah, No, I feel like I've experienced that too. 0:17:21.080 --> 0:17:24.080 But as a therapist, I will tell them, I'll be like, hey, 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:27.600 it sounds like, you know, we've dug up something that 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:31.520 you had already you know, worked on and had resolved. 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:35.280 Is there something new that y'all need to work on 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.879 or can we actually put that to bed. Unfortunately, some 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:42.280 therapists maybe maybe they're newer, they're inexperience, they don't know 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:46.240 that they should acknowledge that, and sometimes therapy is is 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:49.640 not what's necessary. Sometimes it's actually just practicing these things 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:52.560 at home. And that's why I'll go, you know, with 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:55.720 clients that maybe I saw first for you know, three 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.160 times a week, I'll go, and then it'll be once 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:00.639 every four months just for a check in, and sometimes 0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:03.280 they need guidance with that. But you're right, there are 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:06.280 times where if a couple has worked through something and 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:09.080 you bring it back up, they're going to leave feeling like, wait, 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:11.560 what did we just We didn't work on anything, We 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:14.000 just dug step up. So you have to be really 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:16.160 good about making sure that that's not the case. 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:21.560 So what can listeners expect from your free masterclass to 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:24.480 enhance the relationship? Like, what are some of the biggest 0:18:24.480 --> 0:18:26.280 takeaways that they're going to get from that? 0:18:27.240 --> 0:18:30.080 The biggest takeaways are that you're going to learn how 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:33.359 you behave towards each other, how you show or don't 0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:36.880 show sexual interest in your partner outside of the bedroom 0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:40.680 is actually far more important in the long term than 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:44.679 what is going on inside the bedroom. It can really 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:48.080 make your day or not. It can really ruin things. 0:18:48.119 --> 0:18:52.080 It can erode your communication, your trust, your respect, all 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:54.920 of those things. If you feel like you just don't 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:58.119 know if your partner wants you or if you want them, 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:01.320 So talking about that, the different types of pillow talk. 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:03.679 We're going to talk about that. I'm going to be 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:06.119 sharing a way to figure out what yours is, and 0:19:06.160 --> 0:19:08.880 then of course sharing the best way to pillow talk 0:19:09.160 --> 0:19:11.399 and making sure that you can keep that spark alive 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:12.480 for as long as you'd like. 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:14.480 Wait, I want to know what the best one is, 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:16.600 and I know you can't tell me because people want 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:19.080 But now I know and are. 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:22.600 Going to have to be there on June time, June tu. 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:24.280 I'm like, what's because I'm always like, all right, give 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:26.240 me the give me the lesson plan, like what's the 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:28.120 best thing, Like what can we because I'm always wanting 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:32.640 to learn and practice, and so I'm like, what is it? 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:35.560 I know, I know you want to know. I'll have 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:36.520 to be am you on the. 0:19:36.520 --> 0:19:40.120 Side, but no, thanks, girl, I want you to be there. 0:19:40.720 --> 0:19:43.240 I feel like it's so important for people in community 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:45.719 to know, like whether you're in a really great relationship 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:47.880 and you just want to maintain it or you're really 0:19:47.880 --> 0:19:51.600 struggling knowing these things and taking the time out to 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:54.560 take an hour out of your day for free to 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:56.560 learn on about these things as part of the work 0:19:56.560 --> 0:19:58.719 of being in a long term relationship. So I'm going 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:00.399 to make you work for it too, Janna. 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:04.040 I love that. And then also you have your book too, the. 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:06.840 Four Intimacy Styles, and you can check that out at 0:20:06.880 --> 0:20:09.119 doctor Viviana dot com. There's a free quiz that you 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:11.520 can take there to learn what percentage of each of 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:14.280 the four you're at alan, just so you know, the 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:17.359