1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:05,399
Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.

2
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,160
Speaker 2: This week's therapy, We've got Vivianna Coles. She has a

3
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 2: masterclass out coming June tenth at twelve thirty pm Central.

4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,320
Speaker 2: It's called Pillow Talk with Doctor Vivienna, a free masterclass

5
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:22,599
Speaker 2: to enhance your relationship. Let's get her on. Hi, Hi, Well,

6
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,840
Speaker 2: thank you so much for coming on the show. We

7
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,480
Speaker 2: really appreciate it. I'm Jana and this is my fiance.

8
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,680
Speaker 1: Alan, so, hey, hi, guys.

9
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,760
Speaker 2: I thought it'd be fun to bring him on for

10
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,760
Speaker 2: this one because it's all about intimacy.

11
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,000
Speaker 1: You don't know about it, you don't know yet, but

12
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,600
Speaker 1: you're in the hot seat and you can't leave.

13
00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:42,479
Speaker 3: I know. There.

14
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,559
Speaker 2: Our heart was like, hey, do you think Alan can

15
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,239
Speaker 2: maybe join the show? And when you know and I

16
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,040
Speaker 2: knew the I saw it was you as a guest,

17
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,720
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, man, do I tell him

18
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,320
Speaker 2: beforehand or do I just surprise him that, hey, babe,

19
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:55,120
Speaker 2: this is about I mean, it's not just about sex,

20
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,840
Speaker 2: but intimacy is so much more than sex, which which

21
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,160
Speaker 2: I think kind of for me is one of my

22
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,760
Speaker 2: first questions because I think for so long I just

23
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,480
Speaker 2: connected sex as intimacy and didn't realize that it's so

24
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,959
Speaker 2: much more than just being physical with someone.

25
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,319
Speaker 1: Well, and it's it could be so much more in general,

26
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,480
Speaker 1: but it's also more important whether or not your partner

27
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,520
Speaker 1: thinks it's so much more right and having that insight,

28
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,920
Speaker 1: So yeah, we can We're definitely gonna have to get

29
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:23,520
Speaker 1: into all of it.

30
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,920
Speaker 2: So what do you think with that? Like, how you

31
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,520
Speaker 2: know because I think or do you actually? Do you

32
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:33,800
Speaker 2: think that women need a little bit more of that

33
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,280
Speaker 2: intimacy before kind of getting into things.

34
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,880
Speaker 1: So a lot of times what I'm seeing because I've

35
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,800
Speaker 1: been now a therapist and seeing clients for like over

36
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,440
Speaker 1: twenty years and I predominantly work with this allan, so

37
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,600
Speaker 1: just know you're in good hands. I would say intimacy

38
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:57,160
Speaker 1: for women in general, like very broad terms. We usually

39
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:02,240
Speaker 1: want to have and feel the emotional connection before getting

40
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,440
Speaker 1: that physical connection, and oftentimes, but not always, men feel

41
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:09,519
Speaker 1: the opposite. Usually we get our wires crossed and we're

42
00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:12,360
Speaker 1: kind of judgmental about each of them and we can't

43
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,720
Speaker 1: really understand how somebody would need to have the physical

44
00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,000
Speaker 1: before they had the emotional and others like, well, how

45
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,000
Speaker 1: could you get the emotional with that, I mean it's

46
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,919
Speaker 1: like this whole wire's crossing.

47
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,560
Speaker 2: So with that, I will kind of bring this into

48
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,760
Speaker 2: our bedroom a little bit, because there's times when I'm like, babe,

49
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,760
Speaker 2: can you date me first? And I don't mean like

50
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,720
Speaker 2: take me on a physical day. I mean, sure, you

51
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,680
Speaker 2: know we have date nights and stuff, but he'll want

52
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,280
Speaker 2: to kind of just get right to it and if

53
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,720
Speaker 2: it's had, if it's been, maybe we don't ever go along.

54
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,000
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not going to get too into our

55
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,720
Speaker 2: sexual life, but you know, I just sometimes want the

56
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,760
Speaker 2: little I want to be dated in bed a little

57
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,480
Speaker 2: bit before had sometimes not all the time.

58
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,519
Speaker 1: Don't apologize. This is exactly what we're talking about today,

59
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,360
Speaker 1: and it's going to be yeah, like don't apologize well.

60
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,680
Speaker 2: Because sometimes I like to just do it, and you know,

61
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,680
Speaker 2: I love that piece of it, like it's fun for

62
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,639
Speaker 2: me too, but I do I'd prefer the the dating

63
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,520
Speaker 2: in bed before and so but I almost feel and

64
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,080
Speaker 2: this isn't I almost feel like sometimes that's kind of

65
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,760
Speaker 2: not annoying to you, but just like why like I

66
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,800
Speaker 2: date you all day kind of vibe?

67
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:23,320
Speaker 3: No, I think, don't get misunderstood by this. We have

68
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:28,840
Speaker 3: a healthy relationship the most. Yeah. Yeah, So going back

69
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:32,480
Speaker 3: to your point about this is the tendency of what

70
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,040
Speaker 3: a woman may want and what a man may want

71
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,160
Speaker 3: when it comes to not just sex, but intimacy and

72
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,080
Speaker 3: affection and other things that go along with it. But

73
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,280
Speaker 3: with that, there's a there's a fine line with the

74
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,920
Speaker 3: man and the women feeling rejected because the needs are

75
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:53,840
Speaker 3: the opposites. Really like a man would probably and I

76
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,120
Speaker 3: think about like the cave Man era when it's like,

77
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,120
Speaker 3: I want to be spontaneous, I want to I want

78
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,920
Speaker 3: to make love, I want to have sex, but I

79
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,200
Speaker 3: want to be dated. I want to feel I want

80
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,240
Speaker 3: you to touch on my emotional side. So how do

81
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,480
Speaker 3: couples deal with like? I think they're really good at

82
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:11,840
Speaker 3: understanding each other. Yeah so, but a lot of couples

83
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,680
Speaker 3: wouldn't be like that. So how do they deal with

84
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,240
Speaker 3: the well, I feel rejected and the guys like, well,

85
00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,320
Speaker 3: I feel rejected because I'm trying to make love to

86
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,120
Speaker 3: you and you don't want to and you want the

87
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,040
Speaker 3: emotion but you're not getting it, so that the women

88
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,840
Speaker 3: feels rejected. How does that? How do you how do

89
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:27,960
Speaker 3: you help couples with that?

90
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,719
Speaker 1: I love that question. And it's exactly what has been

91
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,880
Speaker 1: on my mind and on my radar to a really

92
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:39,880
Speaker 1: large extent in the recent past. Because so I like

93
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:44,560
Speaker 1: to call it an underlying current of sensuality, and I

94
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,480
Speaker 1: believe that every long term relationship should try to nurture

95
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,919
Speaker 1: that and maintain that. And what I mean by that

96
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,080
Speaker 1: is so that it doesn't feel like you're going from

97
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,279
Speaker 1: cold to hot or like you're having to flip with

98
00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,000
Speaker 1: light switch on. It's important to have that underlying current

99
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,400
Speaker 1: of sensuality. And now I call it pillow talk. I

100
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,120
Speaker 1: want you to pillow talk outside of sexual experiences, outside

101
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,400
Speaker 1: of the bedroom, so that it makes sense to have sex.

102
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:11,840
Speaker 1: It makes sense when you come over to her and

103
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,279
Speaker 1: like mezzle her neck and she's not like wait what,

104
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,479
Speaker 1: like where is this coming from? Or the opposite where Janna,

105
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,360
Speaker 1: when you initiate and he's he's going to be like, wait,

106
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,440
Speaker 1: you even't like looked at me in a week now,

107
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,160
Speaker 1: obviously I don't know that that's your thing.

108
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:28,040
Speaker 2: We have a very strong sexual connection like that's probably

109
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,760
Speaker 2: it's it's great, like it's it's really it's great, Like

110
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,159
Speaker 2: I love it. So there is we're and we're always

111
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,680
Speaker 2: like touching and and like that's kind of our Like

112
00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:41,560
Speaker 2: we're constantly like you know, touching and doing even through

113
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,640
Speaker 2: the house like a butt grab or a whatever. Like

114
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,080
Speaker 2: it's there's always some sort of physical touch during the day.

115
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,640
Speaker 2: But but sometimes you know, if it's yeah, if we

116
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,320
Speaker 2: had a busy day and then all of a sudden

117
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,359
Speaker 2: you're starting you're like, ah, like I kind of tired

118
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,440
Speaker 2: with three kids, and you know, but I think what

119
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,280
Speaker 2: you were kind of saying though, too is but both

120
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,760
Speaker 2: people want the same thing. I think it's some you know,

121
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,040
Speaker 2: they're both wanting the same thing. That might just the

122
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:08,000
Speaker 2: technique of getting there is where you come in.

123
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,280
Speaker 1: Well, you love each other, you like each other, you

124
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 1: enjoy sex with each other, you have sex. But for

125
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,479
Speaker 1: a lot of couples, what I'm noticing is that it

126
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,960
Speaker 1: just feels like it comes out of nowhere, Like there's

127
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,040
Speaker 1: no real way to know that there is that kind

128
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,960
Speaker 1: of air between you. Doesn't sound like that's the case

129
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,680
Speaker 1: for you, It's not the case for me and my

130
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,120
Speaker 1: husband of nearly seventeen years. Like, I totally get it,

131
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,760
Speaker 1: I get it, but it always hasn't always been that way.

132
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,440
Speaker 1: A lot of couples struggle with that because life is

133
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,080
Speaker 1: life then and it gets in the way and all

134
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,880
Speaker 1: of that, and a lot of couples, especially those with

135
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,720
Speaker 1: children or with jobs or with property to manage all

136
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,159
Speaker 1: of that, and they don't do the touching, they don't

137
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,039
Speaker 1: do the kissing every day, They don't even say I

138
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,880
Speaker 1: love you every day. They just kind of assume it.

139
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:52,560
Speaker 1: And that's when sex can really kind of fall off

140
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,080
Speaker 1: the table.

141
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:56,839
Speaker 2: So to say, is there a number that you're like,

142
00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,560
Speaker 2: this is what a this is what should be that

143
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,920
Speaker 2: you should be doing, or kind of a goal for

144
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,800
Speaker 2: how much sex you should be having. I know it's

145
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,560
Speaker 2: different for everybody, but I mean there's got to be something.

146
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,360
Speaker 2: I know all that. I know everybody's different. I totally

147
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,440
Speaker 2: get that, you know, what works for some people don't

148
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,600
Speaker 2: work for others, But you know, I mean for us

149
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,680
Speaker 2: as a what do you suggest?

150
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:22,440
Speaker 1: So what I suggest is twice a week to have

151
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,000
Speaker 1: some sort of sensual experience with one of them, hopefully

152
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:32,640
Speaker 1: being something maybe orgasmic, maybe intercourse related, maybe something more sexual,

153
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,800
Speaker 1: but at least two experiences. And again, what that is

154
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,400
Speaker 1: everybody looks different. I'm not going to yeah, you're young,

155
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,320
Speaker 1: you know whatever, but it could be like a massage,

156
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,040
Speaker 1: or it could be just laying together nude. It could

157
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,200
Speaker 1: be in the shower, just taking a shower together. It

158
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,880
Speaker 1: could be talking in the tub. It could be sex,

159
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,560
Speaker 1: It could be oral it you know, it could be

160
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,080
Speaker 1: any of those things, trying a new toy, role playing,

161
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,040
Speaker 1: any of that. I suggest twice a week to stay

162
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,200
Speaker 1: healthy good.

163
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:07,200
Speaker 3: I've got a question since you've you've done master classes

164
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,760
Speaker 3: and you're you're clearly an expert in your field, so

165
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,040
Speaker 3: I mean we're in a healthy phase. So what I

166
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,520
Speaker 3: don't want to do is talk about hours too much

167
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,400
Speaker 3: because we've got viewers and listeners. So I think putting

168
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,760
Speaker 3: it out to the to the masses on what may

169
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:26,720
Speaker 3: be issues for other people is how do people overcome

170
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,760
Speaker 3: like if they're in a relationship and those those resentment,

171
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:36,600
Speaker 3: or there's being disrespect or there's been periods of cheating,

172
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,560
Speaker 3: or even if it's something as simple as they've let

173
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,199
Speaker 3: themselves go and they're not attracted to each other any longer,

174
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:47,800
Speaker 3: how do people rescue the intimacy and affection and sex

175
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:53,119
Speaker 3: and those types of relationships with those those negative impacts.

176
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, first of all, just acknowledging that in any

177
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,760
Speaker 1: long term relationship you're going to experience and those sorts

178
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,080
Speaker 1: of issues, you know. I think about it in terms of,

179
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,920
Speaker 1: like our planet has been hit countless times by meteors.

180
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,320
Speaker 1: They're not always big, but most of the time they're small.

181
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,000
Speaker 1: But it's going to happen. When you live long enough together,

182
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,520
Speaker 1: you're going to have something hit you. So you're not

183
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,240
Speaker 1: alone in that. And I think a lot of people

184
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:21,160
Speaker 1: question should we even be together if we're struggling with communication?

185
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,880
Speaker 1: Should we even be together if we're going through this drought,

186
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,560
Speaker 1: and they kind of go straight to this, Oh my gosh,

187
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,480
Speaker 1: this hit us. Now can we even go you know,

188
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,880
Speaker 1: get through it? If you struggle with an issue for

189
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,480
Speaker 1: longer than six months on your own and you've tried

190
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,480
Speaker 1: whatever that looks like, quote unquote, I want you to

191
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,120
Speaker 1: get help professionally. If you want to invest in your

192
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,520
Speaker 1: long term relationship, just know relationship therapists, this is what

193
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,600
Speaker 1: we do day in and day out. We work with

194
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,400
Speaker 1: couples and we've seen I mean, especially if you've done

195
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,240
Speaker 1: it as long as I have, We've seen all sorts

196
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,000
Speaker 1: of things. We can help, but you have to seek

197
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,600
Speaker 1: it out otherwise you probably are going to experience blow

198
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,720
Speaker 1: after blow after blow and not a good way for

199
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,320
Speaker 1: a really long time. The other thing that I would

200
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,520
Speaker 1: say about overcoming it is acknowledging it. Acknowledge that there's

201
00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:09,959
Speaker 1: an issue in the relationship so that your partner doesn't

202
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,560
Speaker 1: feel like they're alone or you know, sometimes when you're like, ah,

203
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,480
Speaker 1: they're kind of in a bad mood, I'm not really

204
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,480
Speaker 1: I don't really want to talk about it because I

205
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,559
Speaker 1: don't want to bring it up. It might make things worse.

206
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,400
Speaker 1: You're only going to make things worse if you don't

207
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:29,680
Speaker 1: bring it up, and so acknowledging it openly is very important.

208
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:44,200
Speaker 2: For the listener that feels rejected in this space of intimacy,

209
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,680
Speaker 2: What is your advice for that, because I, you know,

210
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,400
Speaker 2: not to bring up past stuff, but just relating off

211
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:55,760
Speaker 2: of past. When I had a partner that struggled with intimacy,

212
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,280
Speaker 2: all I thought was it was my belief that I

213
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:03,560
Speaker 2: wasn't either pretty enough or good enough, or it didn't.

214
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,120
Speaker 2: It just always kind of went back to what I

215
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,439
Speaker 2: was doing wrong or what I was doing wrong. And

216
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,320
Speaker 2: even I know now it had nothing to do with me,

217
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,840
Speaker 2: but and I can make sense of that now. But

218
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,719
Speaker 2: for the person that is trying to make sense of that.

219
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,959
Speaker 2: What would be something useful for them to kind of

220
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,199
Speaker 2: rest in in that, you know, place of not feeling

221
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,720
Speaker 2: like a feeling it's them.

222
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,840
Speaker 1: Well, again, I'm a big fan of therapy, so doing

223
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,600
Speaker 1: that also really finding out if it's very specifically that

224
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,080
Speaker 1: you're having troubles with intimacy. I would say read my

225
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,640
Speaker 1: book The Four Intimacy Styles. Take the quiz. It's a

226
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,960
Speaker 1: free quiz online. You can check that out to help

227
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,400
Speaker 1: you to at least start the language look like, know

228
00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,800
Speaker 1: the terminology, know what you're talking about, so that it

229
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,200
Speaker 1: can start. You can start that communication with your partner.

230
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,240
Speaker 1: The other thing that I would tell you to do

231
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:54,000
Speaker 1: is don't go straight to the personal. Chances are there's

232
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,360
Speaker 1: a lot going on in your partner's life that it

233
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,559
Speaker 1: really has nothing to do with you, And so maybe

234
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,120
Speaker 1: starting off with that, like, hey, babe, I've noticed that

235
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,760
Speaker 1: you really haven't shown interest in me lately. What's going on?

236
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,520
Speaker 1: You know? Is there anything going on in life that

237
00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,840
Speaker 1: I don't know about? Is there anything on the horizon

238
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,040
Speaker 1: do you see kind of the do you see the

239
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,320
Speaker 1: light in the tunnel? And maybe I can become aware

240
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,120
Speaker 1: of that. I just want to know where we stand

241
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,959
Speaker 1: with this. Don't think that asking is going to exacerbate

242
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,480
Speaker 1: the issue. That's part of the work of being in

243
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,920
Speaker 1: a long term relationship. You need to ask those hard questions.

244
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,360
Speaker 2: I think it's hard too because I have I know

245
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,520
Speaker 2: people that struggle with I've had a long day, I

246
00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:34,679
Speaker 2: don't want to be intimate, like it's just and then

247
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,199
Speaker 2: the pressure of going, oh gosh, now they're going to

248
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,880
Speaker 2: want to because it's bedtime and having that anxiety of

249
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,360
Speaker 2: going to bed. Is it the same thing with that, like,

250
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,800
Speaker 2: communicate with them like, hey, I know you probably want to.

251
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,640
Speaker 2: I'm just not It's not you. It's like what do

252
00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:49,160
Speaker 2: you do with that?

253
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,360
Speaker 1: Yeah? So I guess another little rule that I come

254
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,800
Speaker 1: up with that is just a guide more than anything,

255
00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:00,560
Speaker 1: is don't reject your partner's sexual advances more than three

256
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,800
Speaker 1: times in a row, because without any sort of explanation, obviously,

257
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,080
Speaker 1: if you're feeling sick, if you're going out of town, like,

258
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,000
Speaker 1: there are certain things that you just can't do. But

259
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:14,240
Speaker 1: I would say again, part of nurturing that relationship is

260
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,679
Speaker 1: sometimes to suck it up and put yourself in that

261
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,959
Speaker 1: mood if you need to, you know, really date yourself.

262
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,720
Speaker 1: If you need to maybe do some tub time, or

263
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,840
Speaker 1: read an erotic book or listen to some audio erotica

264
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:31,240
Speaker 1: to get you into the mood, you know, ask for

265
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,280
Speaker 1: a massage, like do whatever it takes. But I would

266
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,880
Speaker 1: say more than three times in a row, and it

267
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,439
Speaker 1: starts to get where it's like, well, I'm not even

268
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,280
Speaker 1: going to try, and then it builds and turns into

269
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,280
Speaker 1: something so much more.

270
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:43,720
Speaker 2: Yeah.

271
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,319
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it comes back to like you've mentioned

272
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:52,520
Speaker 3: communication and how powerful that is, and I think I've

273
00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:55,520
Speaker 3: always got and we speaking with us a lot, don't

274
00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:59,280
Speaker 3: we We've always get the mindset of in order to

275
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,079
Speaker 3: maintain the intimacy and the power of the intimacy and

276
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,920
Speaker 3: our relationship, then we need to really maintain the purity

277
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:06,719
Speaker 3: of the relationship.

278
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:08,920
Speaker 1: What do you mean by that?

279
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,760
Speaker 3: I think in my head like intimacy goes when resentment

280
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,480
Speaker 3: comes in. If someone if someone has broken boundaries, are

281
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:22,480
Speaker 3: broken respect or the values of the relationship, then I

282
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,720
Speaker 3: think there becomes an issue. So I think we we

283
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,640
Speaker 3: really put that at the forefront of keeping the relationship.

284
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,520
Speaker 3: You are making sure your trust and respect. Is Is

285
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,360
Speaker 3: it the top of the Is it the top of

286
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,320
Speaker 3: the chain, because it limits the resentment. That limits the

287
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:41,560
Speaker 3: negative thoughts, It limits the voice inside your head or

288
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,600
Speaker 3: the voice inside my head. So I think we're really

289
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,800
Speaker 3: good at that side of that side of things, although

290
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,080
Speaker 3: we're not. We're not perfect, but we try and maintain

291
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,760
Speaker 3: and like intimacy that way.

292
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,280
Speaker 1: I love that trust and respect are they are huge

293
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,520
Speaker 1: hallmarks of a healthy relationship, and I have noticed that

294
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,240
Speaker 1: with my client. If respect has left, even if it's

295
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,480
Speaker 1: just you know, temporarily, like if people are starting to

296
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,800
Speaker 1: be out of talking, just awful to each other, that's

297
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,320
Speaker 1: the first thing I want to put a stop to.

298
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,760
Speaker 1: And that usually includes like, Okay, don't curse at each other,

299
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,360
Speaker 1: don't call each other names, don't be sarcastic, because if

300
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,560
Speaker 1: you're not in a good place, all of those things

301
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:27,040
Speaker 1: are just adding kindling, you know, to the issue. And

302
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,680
Speaker 1: so I love that. And then trust also reminding couples

303
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:36,680
Speaker 1: that sharing how you feel builds trust, withholding feelings breaks

304
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,960
Speaker 1: it down, whether you know it or not. So I

305
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,680
Speaker 1: love that that's something that you're encouraging your listeners and

306
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:42,400
Speaker 1: yourselves to do.

307
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just think we never want them to be false.

308
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,640
Speaker 3: And if something is, if something is broken off ractual,

309
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,520
Speaker 3: then that antimacy can become false and that's something that

310
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,080
Speaker 3: we really cherished, don't they, Well, I.

311
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,600
Speaker 2: Think because we both know how much it can fracture

312
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,960
Speaker 2: a relationship. Yeah, so it's important into us to keep

313
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:06,640
Speaker 2: that at the top for sure. What is something that

314
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,760
Speaker 2: you when what's the first I mean is it is

315
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,960
Speaker 2: it the you know, swearing at each other or like,

316
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,600
Speaker 2: what's the what's one of the things that you when

317
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,720
Speaker 2: you're sitting with your couples that you're just like, oh, like,

318
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,120
Speaker 2: I wish they would just stop this one thing.

319
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,120
Speaker 1: Assuming that they know exactly what their partner is thinking

320
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,080
Speaker 1: or what's going to come out on their mouths. That

321
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,520
Speaker 1: happens all the time. And if you're with somebody along

322
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,080
Speaker 1: and maybe you might be right, But when you're trying

323
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,680
Speaker 1: to do things differently and you're hoping to change the

324
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,400
Speaker 1: dynamics of your relationship, the first thing you need to

325
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,480
Speaker 1: do is is not assume that you know exactly what's

326
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,840
Speaker 1: going to happen, because then you're basically cutting it off

327
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,200
Speaker 1: at the knees. You're cutting change off at the knees. So, yeah,

328
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:44,880
Speaker 1: don't do that.

329
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,800
Speaker 2: I do have one quick because you're you know, obviously

330
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,440
Speaker 2: you sit with couples, and I was watching an interview

331
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,640
Speaker 2: another podcast, I think it was Nick Biles where he

332
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,840
Speaker 2: had a therapist on. There he was and the lady

333
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,640
Speaker 2: was saying, you know, she actually was saying that sometimes

334
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,160
Speaker 2: couple's therapy is you know, it's not that she's saying

335
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,760
Speaker 2: it's not good, but sometimes it's it's not really helpful

336
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,560
Speaker 2: because it's you're bringing up so much stuff that's it's

337
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,040
Speaker 2: almost like causing more issues. Is that what's kind of

338
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,400
Speaker 2: your And I don't know exactly how it was said,

339
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,160
Speaker 2: It kind of just like hurt a little snippet of it.

340
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,840
Speaker 1: Certainly. Yeah, No, I feel like I've experienced that too.

341
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,080
Speaker 1: But as a therapist, I will tell them, I'll be like, hey,

342
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:27,600
Speaker 1: it sounds like, you know, we've dug up something that

343
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:31,520
Speaker 1: you had already you know, worked on and had resolved.

344
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,280
Speaker 1: Is there something new that y'all need to work on

345
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,879
Speaker 1: or can we actually put that to bed. Unfortunately, some

346
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,280
Speaker 1: therapists maybe maybe they're newer, they're inexperience, they don't know

347
00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:46,240
Speaker 1: that they should acknowledge that, and sometimes therapy is is

348
00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:49,640
Speaker 1: not what's necessary. Sometimes it's actually just practicing these things

349
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,560
Speaker 1: at home. And that's why I'll go, you know, with

350
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,720
Speaker 1: clients that maybe I saw first for you know, three

351
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,160
Speaker 1: times a week, I'll go, and then it'll be once

352
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,639
Speaker 1: every four months just for a check in, and sometimes

353
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,280
Speaker 1: they need guidance with that. But you're right, there are

354
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,280
Speaker 1: times where if a couple has worked through something and

355
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,080
Speaker 1: you bring it back up, they're going to leave feeling like, wait,

356
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,560
Speaker 1: what did we just We didn't work on anything, We

357
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,000
Speaker 1: just dug step up. So you have to be really

358
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,160
Speaker 1: good about making sure that that's not the case.

359
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,560
Speaker 2: So what can listeners expect from your free masterclass to

360
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:24,480
Speaker 2: enhance the relationship? Like, what are some of the biggest

361
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,280
Speaker 2: takeaways that they're going to get from that?

362
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,080
Speaker 1: The biggest takeaways are that you're going to learn how

363
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,359
Speaker 1: you behave towards each other, how you show or don't

364
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,880
Speaker 1: show sexual interest in your partner outside of the bedroom

365
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,680
Speaker 1: is actually far more important in the long term than

366
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,679
Speaker 1: what is going on inside the bedroom. It can really

367
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,080
Speaker 1: make your day or not. It can really ruin things.

368
00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:52,080
Speaker 1: It can erode your communication, your trust, your respect, all

369
00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:54,920
Speaker 1: of those things. If you feel like you just don't

370
00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,119
Speaker 1: know if your partner wants you or if you want them,

371
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,320
Speaker 1: So talking about that, the different types of pillow talk.

372
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,679
Speaker 1: We're going to talk about that. I'm going to be

373
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,119
Speaker 1: sharing a way to figure out what yours is, and

374
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,880
Speaker 1: then of course sharing the best way to pillow talk

375
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,399
Speaker 1: and making sure that you can keep that spark alive

376
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,480
Speaker 1: for as long as you'd like.

377
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,480
Speaker 2: Wait, I want to know what the best one is,

378
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,600
Speaker 2: and I know you can't tell me because people want

379
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,080
Speaker 2: But now I know and are.

380
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,600
Speaker 1: Going to have to be there on June time, June tu.

381
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,280
Speaker 2: I'm like, what's because I'm always like, all right, give

382
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,240
Speaker 2: me the give me the lesson plan, like what's the

383
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,120
Speaker 2: best thing, Like what can we because I'm always wanting

384
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:32,640
Speaker 2: to learn and practice, and so I'm like, what is it?

385
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,560
Speaker 1: I know, I know you want to know. I'll have

386
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,520
Speaker 1: to be am you on the.

387
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,120
Speaker 2: Side, but no, thanks, girl, I want you to be there.

388
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,240
Speaker 1: I feel like it's so important for people in community

389
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,719
Speaker 1: to know, like whether you're in a really great relationship

390
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,880
Speaker 1: and you just want to maintain it or you're really

391
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,600
Speaker 1: struggling knowing these things and taking the time out to

392
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,560
Speaker 1: take an hour out of your day for free to

393
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,560
Speaker 1: learn on about these things as part of the work

394
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,719
Speaker 1: of being in a long term relationship. So I'm going

395
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,399
Speaker 1: to make you work for it too, Janna.

396
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,040
Speaker 2: I love that. And then also you have your book too, the.

397
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 1: Four Intimacy Styles, and you can check that out at

398
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,119
Speaker 1: doctor Viviana dot com. There's a free quiz that you

399
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,520
Speaker 1: can take there to learn what percentage of each of

400
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,280
Speaker 1: the four you're at alan, just so you know, the

401
00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:17,359
Speaker 1: goal is to be at twenty five percenter as close

402
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,960
Speaker 1: to twenty five percent of each during each or every

403
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,960
Speaker 1: nearly every sexual experience. You can take that quiz and

404
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,640
Speaker 1: see where you're at, and you and Janet can compare notes.

405
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 2: Well, thank you so much for coming on the show.

406
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,960
Speaker 2: I really really really appreciate it.

407
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,439
Speaker 1: Thanks and thanks for sharing some of your experiences. But

408
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,199
Speaker 1: more than anything, I think you're right. We need to

409
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 1: be talking about these things more in general, because any

410
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,119
Speaker 1: given day is different in your relationship and if you

411
00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:41,600
Speaker 1: want to long term one pillow talk is the key,

412
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,359
Speaker 1: and the four Intimacy Styles can help.

413
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,080
Speaker 2: Okay, awesome, Thank you so much, appreciate it. Thanks you guys,

414
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:57,119
Speaker 2: all right bye, Henny