Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I want to speak today as an advocate
Speaker 1: for communication because I think communication takes a bad rap
Speaker 1: in relationships. Everybody blames everything on communication. Oh, we have
Speaker 1: bad commun munication, we have poor communication. We can't communicate.
Speaker 1: He don't communicate. I don't communicate. It's not communication, it's
Speaker 1: your mind. When you don't have clarity in your mind
Speaker 1: about who you are, about what you want, about what
Speaker 1: it is that you're doing, and what it is you desire.
Speaker 1: When you're not clear about what's working what's not working,
Speaker 1: of course you can't communicate. You can't communicate with yourself.
Speaker 1: How you going to communicate with somebody else. Communication is
Speaker 1: a two way operation. It's offering something, it's hearing something,
Speaker 1: and in there you have speaking, you have listening, you
Speaker 1: have hearing, you have sharing, and people don't make those distinctions.
Speaker 1: What's the distinction between hearing and listening. There's two different things,
Speaker 1: and when you don't know that and you try to articulate,
Speaker 1: it'll break down and then you blame communication. Communication has
Speaker 1: to be clear, but the clarity has to first come
Speaker 1: from within you. Communication has to be clean, meaning you
Speaker 1: cannot have a hidden agenda. You can have unspoken truths,
Speaker 1: you can have speculations and judgments, clear clean, and then
Speaker 1: it has to be complete, complete. You have to say
Speaker 1: what you mean, mean what you say, and walk away
Speaker 1: with every question you had answered. But since most of
Speaker 1: us go into communications without a clear intention, without a
Speaker 1: clear direction, it breaks down and then we blame it
Speaker 1: on communication. Stop blaming communication and blame your crooked mind communication.
Speaker 1: My next guest thinks she has a communication problem. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's communication. I think it's a lack of clarity.
Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: And what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we
Speaker 1: can investigate today?
Speaker 2: Okay, so I have been in an almost nine year
Speaker 2: relationship now and five years into the relationship, we decided
Speaker 2: to move in with each other. Then we end up
Speaker 2: having a baby. Two years after the baby, well, during
Speaker 2: my pregnancy we had kind of like a little downfall.
Speaker 2: We you know, fell off a little bit. So we're
Speaker 2: trying to get that together. The baby came, we were
Speaker 2: able to help hold it together for the baby. Two
Speaker 2: years later, we decided, we mutually agreed that it was
Speaker 2: best for us to separate. I moved out and also
Speaker 2: off have two kids prior to him. We decided to separate.
Speaker 2: I moved out. So now it's been two years that
Speaker 2: we've been separating. So within these last two years, it's
Speaker 2: just been it's just been a real emotional rollercoaster, you know,
Speaker 2: trying to decide if we still want to be together
Speaker 2: or if we don't want to be together. But at
Speaker 2: the same time, we are still seeing each other. We're
Speaker 2: still kind of like dating, you know. Still nothing really changed.
Speaker 2: Let's say that nothing really changed in our pattern except
Speaker 2: for we move we separated. So I'm just trying to
Speaker 2: figure out how do I navigate.
Speaker 1: That navigate what let do you navigate one?
Speaker 2: I guess, I guess navigate on us trying to get
Speaker 2: back together into one household and just being just being
Speaker 2: able to be competible and have a better communication and
Speaker 2: better relationship to get back on track, for us to
Speaker 2: move back into with each other and move forward in
Speaker 2: our lives.
Speaker 1: Can I ask a question, why did you break up
Speaker 1: in the first place?
Speaker 2: Well, I don't. I don't. I don't necessarily think we
Speaker 2: never broke up. I think that's where the I don't know.
Speaker 2: I don't want to say that's a problem, but we
Speaker 2: never really broke up.
Speaker 1: Well, what does that mean? How are you defining separation
Speaker 1: when you left? What was the agreement? What was the understanding?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess we were I guess when
Speaker 2: we moved out, when we separated, we just said that
Speaker 2: we were just going to I don't know really, to
Speaker 2: be honest, I guess we were trying to figure it
Speaker 2: out as long as we go.
Speaker 1: Okay, wait a minute, hold on, because now I'm confused.
Speaker 1: I moved out because I moved out because.
Speaker 2: I moved out because we ultimately couldn't get along or
Speaker 2: a communication fell apart. We were on the same level.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? What does that mean? Communication? What
Speaker 1: does that mean?
Speaker 2: I guess we like maybe it was like it because
Speaker 2: I I cannot I'm able to articulate how I felt.
Speaker 2: So at that time, he was in school when we
Speaker 2: were living together, he was in schools and he was
Speaker 2: going home from school and working from home, so he
Speaker 2: spent a lot of time upstairs on a computer. I
Speaker 2: was downstairs, you know, I was pregnant at the time,
Speaker 2: taking care kids, and then I had the baby, taking
Speaker 2: care of the baby, and then I just felt like,
Speaker 2: you know, he never really contributed to the household where
Speaker 2: when we moved in, our agreement was for me to
Speaker 2: take care of the household age because he paid all
Speaker 2: the bills. I didn't pay any bills. And I think
Speaker 2: that's just the communication just fell apart, and I think
Speaker 2: I got overwhelmed in the situation and I could not
Speaker 2: express that to him, and then we just kind of
Speaker 2: fell off.
Speaker 1: So I moved out because we couldn't communicate. I couldn't
Speaker 1: express my needs and wants. I was overwhelmed and couldn't
Speaker 1: express that, and he didn't contribute to the household. Is
Speaker 1: that but he paid all the bills, but he didn't
Speaker 1: contribute to the household. Break that down for me, what
Speaker 1: does that mean?
Speaker 2: Well, maybe towards just taking care of the kids or
Speaker 2: the cooking, the cleaning. He didn't contribute any of that.
Speaker 1: You mean, the man who was in school and working
Speaker 1: and paying all the bills didn't help you with the
Speaker 1: kids and the cooking and the cleaning.
Speaker 2: Right, And I didn't see that then.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you moved out. Are there any other reasons
Speaker 1: you moved out? No?
Speaker 2: And well I couldn't know. It was mutual. We agreed
Speaker 2: that it would be best for us to separate before
Speaker 2: I guess.
Speaker 1: Before mutual for us to separate. And did you define
Speaker 1: what that separation would look like?
Speaker 2: No, we didn't.
Speaker 1: So now two years later, you all are still You've
Speaker 1: got this entanglement going on, lack of clarity about what
Speaker 1: it is correct, lack of clarity about what you're doing,
Speaker 1: lack of clarity about where you're going, lack of clarity.
Speaker 1: So nothing has changed, but you want to get back
Speaker 1: in it under the same roof. Is that what I'm
Speaker 1: hearing you say? Yeah?
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of it, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, do you see how that could be a problem. Yes,
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question that's going to seem
Speaker 1: totally random. Okay, And I don't care what your answer is.
Speaker 1: I just want to explore this a little bit. Is
Speaker 1: it that you didn't grow up with a father, or
Speaker 1: is it that your father was very dominating.
Speaker 2: I didn't grow up with my father.
Speaker 1: You don't know as a woman how to be in
Speaker 1: relationship with a man upon whom you are dependent, because
Speaker 1: if he paid all of the bills, you were dependent
Speaker 1: upon him, yes, which immediately drops him into the daddy role.
Speaker 1: But if you didn't grow up with a daddy, you
Speaker 1: don't know how to be present in authority or in
Speaker 1: the presence of authority. So you just become a little girl.
Speaker 1: And little girls usually don't complain to their daddy. Little
Speaker 1: girls sometimes don't know how to ask daddy what they want.
Speaker 1: For what they want, they'll whine and they'll complain to
Speaker 1: themselves and whatever whatever. So, but if you weren't in
Speaker 1: relationship with a man in a authority role in your life,
Speaker 1: you never developed that voice and that place to know
Speaker 1: how to be in relationship with a man that you
Speaker 1: consider to be an authority. Right, hmm. Interesting, we'll talk
Speaker 1: more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the r spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So
Speaker 1: the first thing I want you to know is he's
Speaker 1: not your daddy. That's number one, right, And if you've
Speaker 1: giving up the cookies to him, you have a right
Speaker 1: to ask what you want for what you want. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so what do you want?
Speaker 2: What I want is for us to be able to
Speaker 2: communicate better, to move forward with our.
Speaker 1: Relationship, communicate better. Well, first of all, we might want
Speaker 1: to explore a little bit. What is the relationship is
Speaker 1: that your man? Are you his woman? Are you just
Speaker 1: the mother of his children? Are you his girlfriend? Are
Speaker 1: you what is the relationship between the two of you?
Speaker 1: Are you a co parenting? Are you good friends? Friends
Speaker 1: with benefits? You got to get clear about that. What
Speaker 1: is the relationship?
Speaker 2: Yeah, cause I feel like we're all of the above.
Speaker 1: Actually, well what does he feel?
Speaker 2: I don't know, And I think that's what I want
Speaker 2: to say. That's what I've been trying to figure out.
Speaker 2: But then when I asked him, is yeah, we work together,
Speaker 2: but then it's always but I feel like there's like
Speaker 2: an apprehensive there, like a hesitation.
Speaker 1: Rather okay, and have you asked him about that? What
Speaker 1: is your hesitation?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: I haven't because little girls don't challenge their daddy. So
Speaker 1: the first thing that you have to find out to him,
Speaker 1: what is our relationship? How do you see our relationship?
Speaker 1: What are we doing here? You have to ask that question, yes,
Speaker 1: because you don't know if he got a girlfriend on
Speaker 1: the side, you don't know what he's doing. Does he
Speaker 1: have a key to your house? Do you have a
Speaker 1: key to his house? When do y'all get together? How
Speaker 1: do you get together? What is going on? You're like
Speaker 1: a carrot on a stick.
Speaker 2: I guess that's where it falls in where we have
Speaker 2: trouble with spending time with each other because I guess
Speaker 2: because it's like I want to We try to spend
Speaker 2: time with each other, but then it's like, you know,
Speaker 2: some days I feel like I'd rather just be home
Speaker 2: alone that or I've had this face alone to myself.
Speaker 2: A lot of times I feel like I'd rather be alone,
Speaker 2: home alone rather well, is.
Speaker 1: It possible that you all can be in a relationship
Speaker 1: and have separate households? Is that what you want or
Speaker 1: is that what he wants? Or is that workable for you?
Speaker 1: But it still means that you have to clarify what
Speaker 1: the relationship is again. Are you all just co parenting?
Speaker 1: Are you partners? Are you friends? With benefits. What are
Speaker 1: you got to get that stuff clear? And it can't
Speaker 1: just be you. You have to understand what it is
Speaker 1: that he wants, and you have to share with him
Speaker 1: what he wants. And then if both of you want
Speaker 1: the same things but there are obstacles between you, then
Speaker 1: you can also you can always get some support or
Speaker 1: some help to deal with the obstacles. And then what
Speaker 1: about the children? You got children bouncing around in here.
Speaker 2: But I feel like that's also a big factor too.
Speaker 2: I have two teenage boys, the second teenage boys in him.
Speaker 2: They kind of bump hands a little.
Speaker 1: Well, I guess so, because if you don't know who
Speaker 1: this man is in your life, how is your son
Speaker 1: supposed to know who this man is in his life?
Speaker 1: Is this an elder man in my life? My stepfather,
Speaker 1: my mother's friend who guides me, supports me. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you don't know who he is, how's your son
Speaker 1: supposed to know who he is?
Speaker 2: Well, we've had that conversation multiple times, but I feel
Speaker 2: like we never get anywhere. And then we agree to,
Speaker 2: you know, let's spend time together, and then we'll spend
Speaker 2: a time together, and then life goes on, and then
Speaker 2: we fall back into what we were doing prior to that.
Speaker 1: You might need some outside support because clearly there are
Speaker 1: things that are unspoken. Clearly there are things that are unsad.
Speaker 1: You can't even tell me why you separated other than
Speaker 1: he wasn't contruyet into the household besides paying all the bills.
Speaker 1: You know how many women would stay with a man
Speaker 1: who pays all the bills. A woman who's a stay
Speaker 1: at home mom, she'd be happy to cook and clean.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to get clear about what
Speaker 1: you want and if you can have it with him,
Speaker 1: and he's not your father, you don't have to be
Speaker 1: afraid to let him go, nor do you have to
Speaker 1: hang on. If this is the man in your life,
Speaker 1: then you need to get clear about what it is
Speaker 1: that you want from the man in your life and
Speaker 1: see by asking if he's willing to provide those things
Speaker 1: and what does he want from the woman in his life,
Speaker 1: and if he can articulate that to you, if he
Speaker 1: can share that with you, then maybe you need to
Speaker 1: consider am I willing to be that for him? And
Speaker 1: you may not be able to do that by yourself.
Speaker 1: You may have to get some outside support you know,
Speaker 1: a counselor coach, therapist, whatever. Are you ready to have
Speaker 1: the conversation. Are you clear about what you want, because
Speaker 1: if not, I'm going to tell you don't have it
Speaker 1: until you are clear. You are clear. I want to
Speaker 1: be with him, but I want us to be in
Speaker 1: separate household. I want us to have more time together.
Speaker 1: I want us to continue. Be clear, because again, you're
Speaker 1: growing yourself up, so you don't know who you are becoming.
Speaker 1: You can only be who you are right now. So
Speaker 1: get clear about what it is that you want.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Let me know how you make out. Thank you, okay,
Speaker 1: my love, take care, bye bye. Why One of the
Speaker 1: reasons that we have challenges when it comes to communication, hearing, listening, speaking,
Speaker 1: is because we forget that there's an organic process going
Speaker 1: on in our relationships. Things are growing, things are falling off,
Speaker 1: things are coming into being, and we won't let things
Speaker 1: happen organically, and we try to communicate from what we
Speaker 1: think might happen or the fear of what won't happen.
Speaker 1: Let it happen organically and respond to the moment. Be
Speaker 1: aware of what you're listening to within yourself in the moment.
Speaker 1: Be aware of what you're hearing from the other person
Speaker 1: in the moment, not about what couldn't happen, what might happen,
Speaker 1: what didn't happen, what should happen the organic process. Communicate
Speaker 1: about that and not about the fears or the desperation
Speaker 1: or the past or the future. Organically, Let it happen organically.
Speaker 1: That's what my next caller is dealing with, fear or
Speaker 1: hesitation or resistance or judgment of the organic process. Greetings,
Speaker 1: be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. How can
Speaker 1: I support you today in moving through your relationship issue
Speaker 1: challenged dilemma?
Speaker 3: Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. The
Speaker 3: question that I have so just a little bit briefly
Speaker 3: about me is I have been single for almost six
Speaker 3: years because I really wanted to spend some time working
Speaker 3: on myself and figuring out who I wanted and what
Speaker 3: I needed in a partnership. So I met someone about
Speaker 3: two years ago. We started great dating. Everything was great,
Speaker 3: and I'm trying my heartest like not to give up
Speaker 3: on somebody because I feel like in the past I
Speaker 3: just fil the talent too easy. But the situation I'm
Speaker 3: in now with this person we're coming up on two
Speaker 3: years and about six or so months ago they left
Speaker 3: their full time corporate job to pursue entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, it
Speaker 3: hasn't been working out in the way that they thought
Speaker 3: that it would, and so they're struggling a little bit
Speaker 3: financially now. And in that time, they've been pretty distant
Speaker 3: with me, and he said that he just really isn't
Speaker 3: feeling like much of a man right now because of
Speaker 3: him not being able to earn money in the same
Speaker 3: way and him feeling like a failure, and so he
Speaker 3: just doesn't have a capacity to show up for me.
Speaker 3: So my question is, do I stick around. Do I
Speaker 3: be a cheerleader and just kind of work with him
Speaker 3: as he gets over this hurdle, or do I just
Speaker 3: like really listen when he tells me I don't want
Speaker 3: to be in a relationship right now, or I don't
Speaker 3: have time for the relationship right now because of my finances.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Okay, if a
Speaker 1: man says to you, I don't want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship right now because I'm working on myself, I'm
Speaker 1: pursuing something. It's not looking the way I wanted to look,
Speaker 1: and I'm not feeling really good about myself right now.
Speaker 1: The man says that to you, do you listen to
Speaker 1: what he's saying or do you stick around and be
Speaker 1: his cheerleader.
Speaker 3: I think I'll listen to what he's saying. I think
Speaker 3: for me in my house, I think in my mind,
Speaker 3: I guess like because we had a year and a
Speaker 3: half of like greatness and it was just kind of like,
Speaker 3: if to me, if we need to slow down on
Speaker 3: like going out or sending money or things like that,
Speaker 3: that's fine. But I don't know. I think that I
Speaker 3: don't know if I'm setting myself up for selure of
Speaker 3: having hope that when he does get it together that
Speaker 3: it will still be me that he wonts or if
Speaker 3: it's really he just decided I'm not the person and
Speaker 3: this is the excuse he's using.
Speaker 1: What difference does it make a man has said to you,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in relationship with you if
Speaker 1: it's because he found too gray hair under his chin,
Speaker 1: what difference does it make?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And how old are you?
Speaker 3: Thirty four?
Speaker 1: Thirty four? How long have you been thirty four?
Speaker 3: In October?
Speaker 1: Okay, since October you've been thirty four? But you've been
Speaker 1: in your life all your life? Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Did you waste any time in your life to get
Speaker 1: to thirty four?
Speaker 3: I want to call it a waste, but I definitely
Speaker 3: made sure. I think I've made decisions that I wish
Speaker 3: I had done things differently, but I don't want to
Speaker 3: call anything like a waste of time.
Speaker 1: Right. So, you've been with you thirty four years. You've
Speaker 1: made some mistakes that you could have done differently, but
Speaker 1: you think that thirty four years you've been with you
Speaker 1: is pretty good, right?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, So why you convention over a year and a
Speaker 1: half you've been with somebody else. If you could put
Speaker 1: up with you for thirty four years, why can't you
Speaker 1: put up with somebody else and let it go for
Speaker 1: a year and a half?
Speaker 2: That's true?
Speaker 1: Is it? Is it true?
Speaker 3: I think the reason for me is that I know
Speaker 3: what I have dated people in the past. I have
Speaker 3: very easily been like Nope, done with this person, done
Speaker 3: with this person, and didn't really fight or give it
Speaker 3: a try or work doing tough things. And I was
Speaker 3: just trying to not be that person anymore.
Speaker 1: But what does the past have to do with the
Speaker 1: present moment? And a man who is saying I don't
Speaker 1: want to be in relationship right now for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: I found two gray hen or air on my chin.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to grow my penis another inch. I saw
Speaker 1: the moon and it filled me up with melancholy. What
Speaker 1: the difference does it make he don't want to be
Speaker 1: in relationship? Okay, and you stick around thinking that he
Speaker 1: can change his mind or it's going to be different,
Speaker 1: or he's not telling whatever. What part of you as
Speaker 1: a woman can't hear he doesn't want to be in
Speaker 1: relationship for whatever reason. We'll talk about that right after
Speaker 1: this break. Come back to the R spot. Let's pick
Speaker 1: up where we left off. I can't get past he
Speaker 1: don't want to be in relationship. I can't get past that.
Speaker 1: That would do it for me. I hear you love
Speaker 1: you mean it. You don't have to stop loving him,
Speaker 1: caring about him. But it's a year and a half.
Speaker 1: I've been with me for thirty four years, So if
Speaker 1: somebody is rejecting me, I'm gonna believe him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, Well that was easy.
Speaker 1: And what do you want to investigate is why in
Speaker 1: the why can't you hear that?
Speaker 3: I think that it's been hard to hear it, because
Speaker 3: we still communicate every day and we still talk and
Speaker 3: we still say I love you and everything, And so
Speaker 3: that's why I think it's been a little bit challenging.
Speaker 3: Like he even like since saying that he has even
Speaker 3: taken me to meet his parents. So I don't know,
Speaker 3: Like I think that the things that he says is saying.
Speaker 2: Is nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3: I love you, You're amazing. I'm not in a good place
Speaker 3: that I need to be in a better place. But
Speaker 3: I think that it hasn't been complete ignoring that's been happening,
Speaker 3: or complete like shutting off of communication. It's been like, oh,
Speaker 3: we're selling each other's lives, but I'm still talking to
Speaker 3: you about all these things and we're still doing everything else.
Speaker 1: Well, maybe you only need to take a break. Maybe
Speaker 1: what you can say is I hear you saying you
Speaker 1: want to be in a better place, and I want
Speaker 1: that for you. But because of how I feel about you,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to navigate this. So let's take
Speaker 1: a ninety day break. And what that break looks like
Speaker 1: is we're not going to be talking to each other
Speaker 1: each day, We're not going to be going out, we're
Speaker 1: not going to be doing those things for at least
Speaker 1: ninety days, and then at the end of the ninety
Speaker 1: days we can reevaluate. Because I can't navigate this, tell
Speaker 1: them the truth. Okay, I don't know how to navigate this.
Speaker 1: So I'm hoping against hope that you'll get it together.
Speaker 1: But you have to know it doesn't do my woman.
Speaker 1: That's really good to hear. To be with a man
Speaker 1: who says he doesn't want to be in relationship. See
Speaker 1: what happens. Okay, what does that mean? Okay, I said.
Speaker 2: Now I wrote it down.
Speaker 3: It sounds like we just need to have a talk
Speaker 3: and a clear I'm not like a I mean, maybe
Speaker 3: a break will work. I've never been that type that
Speaker 3: comes back to something just because of like my own
Speaker 3: healing process.
Speaker 2: I just like to really move forward.
Speaker 3: So I don't know about the coming back in ninety days,
Speaker 3: but maybe that is something that I need to try
Speaker 3: that I've never tried before. But the problem is too
Speaker 3: I don't want to spend ninety days hopeful either, because
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 1: You don't go on with your life.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not that easy.
Speaker 1: Go on with your life. Yeah, find something new to
Speaker 1: do in that ninety days. Take a knitting, Go get
Speaker 1: a fish, you got a dog, get on.
Speaker 3: No, I do have a lot of things I could
Speaker 3: do to take of my time. I'm a PhD student,
Speaker 3: so lots going on by I understand what you mean.
Speaker 1: But here is the thing. You have to let go
Speaker 1: in the ninety days, not hang on in the ninety days.
Speaker 1: You have to let go.
Speaker 3: You have tips for letting go.
Speaker 1: Make the choice. Hear what he's saying, and maybe in
Speaker 1: the ninety days you won't come back to an intimate,
Speaker 1: loving relationship. Maybe you'll be friends, maybe you'll be I
Speaker 1: don't know, distant cousins. But it's not clear. It's not
Speaker 1: clean right now. Yeah, it's not clear or clean because
Speaker 1: what he's speaking and what he's doing or two different things,
Speaker 1: which sends you into a tail spin. Let go, thanks,
Speaker 1: And even if every day you have to get up
Speaker 1: and say, I don't know what his name is, boo boo,
Speaker 1: I'm letting you go today. I wish you nothing but
Speaker 1: the best. I'm letting you go in my mind, I'm
Speaker 1: letting you go in my heart. When he calls, you
Speaker 1: look at the phone and you say, boo boo, I'm
Speaker 1: letting you go. I'm letting you go in your mind,
Speaker 1: my mind, I'm letting you go in my heart, I'm
Speaker 1: not taking your call.
Speaker 2: Do you well?
Speaker 3: A different question, how do you know, like even taking
Speaker 3: this person out of the picture, just like for my
Speaker 3: own knowledge and advice, how do you know when you're
Speaker 3: dating someone, what is something that is a barrier to
Speaker 3: work through versus this is not the one to be
Speaker 3: fighting for.
Speaker 1: I never advise fighting for anybody. Okay, I allow things
Speaker 1: to happen organically. But what's keeping you in the relationship
Speaker 1: or what's keeping you hanging on is fear. Fear that
Speaker 1: you're doing the wrong thing, Fear that he's right one,
Speaker 1: Fear he's not the right one. Fear that you'll hang
Speaker 1: around and he won't show up or he won't work through.
Speaker 1: It's fear. So that's not love anyway. See, if he
Speaker 1: made the decision to quit his job to become an entrepreneur,
Speaker 1: what was that discussion and what was the expert there?
Speaker 2: No, I think it was for him.
Speaker 3: It was because he's Nigerian and so he felt like
Speaker 3: he was living out his parents' dream. And so he
Speaker 3: turned forty and on historieth birthday was just kind of like,
Speaker 3: I need to start living my life for myself because
Speaker 3: I've been doing it for everybody else, and so I
Speaker 3: think that's going to start with pursuing a career that
Speaker 3: I want to do now what my parents want me
Speaker 3: to do.
Speaker 1: That was a great, great self honoring, self loving choice,
Speaker 1: It really was.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And the fact that he didn't think about the consequences,
Speaker 1: or he wasn't prepared, or he didn't look at all
Speaker 1: the contingencies. It's just a mistake and he'll have to
Speaker 1: figure that out, and you can stick around with him
Speaker 1: while he figures it out or not. Yeah, But if
Speaker 1: he's saying to you, I don't want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship right now, then I'm why did you go
Speaker 1: meet his parents? And why are you still talking to
Speaker 1: him every day? What is that? Are you a glutton
Speaker 1: for punishment? How about this is not what I want?
Speaker 1: How about it's just that simple. Yeah, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with a man where I
Speaker 1: don't know if I'm coming or going, or if he's
Speaker 1: coming or going, or if we're coming or going. I
Speaker 1: don't want that. So I love you, but I've got
Speaker 1: to let go. Okay, gotta let go? And what's the
Speaker 1: butt it makes sense.
Speaker 3: But no, I actually I don't have a butt. I'm
Speaker 3: just like listening. I think I'm just hearing probably what
Speaker 3: I already knew in my head.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, yeah, See, there's a distinction between hearing and listening.
Speaker 1: Your listening is what goes on internally inside of you.
Speaker 1: Your hearing is the sound that comes to you or
Speaker 1: the words that are delivered to you through another mechanism,
Speaker 1: in this way, through his voice. So you're listening is
Speaker 1: I don't want to do what I'm doing I did before.
Speaker 1: I want to be different and I want to give
Speaker 1: this a chance. So when you hear what he says,
Speaker 1: it bumps up against your listening and you start, well,
Speaker 1: am I doing what I did before? Am I being different?
Speaker 1: Or am I doing the same thing? But then you're
Speaker 1: not hearing what he is saying. Does that make sense
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 3: It does? And I think that one thing that I
Speaker 3: left out too is when we had the conversation about
Speaker 3: that not being a relationship, the way in which he
Speaker 3: talked about it was I can't afford to take you
Speaker 3: out right now. I can't afford for us to move
Speaker 3: in and we provide right now. I can't afford for
Speaker 3: these things, and so I think my head was like, well,
Speaker 3: I'm making money right now and I can't. I mean,
Speaker 3: I'm not paying for nothing for him, But it was
Speaker 3: almost like, oh, you're You're making it seem like the
Speaker 3: financial piece is like I understand that finances are going
Speaker 3: to eb and flow throughout the longevity of any relationships,
Speaker 3: and so to me, even though I heard him saying
Speaker 3: like I don't want this relationship, the reason was because
Speaker 3: I can't provide X, Y and Z with you because
Speaker 3: of my finances. And I think I have been trying
Speaker 3: throughout this time and why I still met his mom,
Speaker 3: still talk to him. I have been trying to show
Speaker 3: him like, oh, like, you don't need to have this
Speaker 3: much money in order for us to have a meaningful relationship.
Speaker 3: But I don't think he sees it as that because
Speaker 3: of how much of a provider type of person that
Speaker 3: he is. But I do think that that is why
Speaker 3: I have been holding on of Like I heard the
Speaker 3: not wanting to be in a relationship reason differently in
Speaker 3: my head than maybe how.
Speaker 2: He meant it.
Speaker 1: But you're not hearing that you are involved with a
Speaker 1: man who measures his value in worth by what he
Speaker 1: does and what he can provide. You're not hearing that,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't matter what you think. That's what matters
Speaker 1: to him. So whether you'll stay together or don't stay together,
Speaker 1: you need to hear what he's saying, because should he
Speaker 1: get fired or become incapacitated, you got to understand that
Speaker 1: that's a blow to how he sees himself as a man.
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter what you think. Hear what he's saying. Trying
Speaker 1: to convince him that what he thinks and feels about
Speaker 1: himself doesn't matter to you. That's not going to work
Speaker 1: out either. He's giving you some really valuable information.
Speaker 3: Here that doesn't change what his values are and what matter.
Speaker 1: Said, but you're not hearing it. And sometimes that's what
Speaker 1: we do, and that's what throws communication off and then
Speaker 1: we blame communication. No, he's being very clear, I value
Speaker 1: myself as a man by what I do, what I have,
Speaker 1: and what I can give. That's how he values himself.
Speaker 1: Otherwise the conversation would have been I really want to
Speaker 1: go out and work on this entrepreneurial thing and see
Speaker 1: if I can make it work, and I really want
Speaker 1: to know if you'll hang in here with me. That's
Speaker 1: another possibility. It's going to look different. We're not gonna
Speaker 1: be able to go out like we used to, and
Speaker 1: I don't feel good about you as the woman paying
Speaker 1: for stuff, so we'll have to stay home. We won't
Speaker 1: be able to do those things. As long as this
Speaker 1: isn't working for me, that's another possibility. But he had
Speaker 1: that conversation, right, So he's giving you some valuable information
Speaker 1: about who he is, about his character, about his sense
Speaker 1: of self value, self worth, whether he got it from
Speaker 1: his parents or not. Some of it is cultural, yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's still information. Do you want to be with
Speaker 1: a man who values himself and measures his worth based
Speaker 1: on what he has and what he does? Is that
Speaker 1: who you want to be with?
Speaker 3: I don't know. I guess I never really thought it.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I hadn't thought about it in that way, But I'm
Speaker 3: not sure. I don't have an answer for that.
Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to have one, but it's just
Speaker 1: something to consider because that is what he is communicating.
Speaker 2: Okay, see if.
Speaker 1: The ninety days will work for you, and in that time,
Speaker 1: like I said, let go doesn't mean you can't reconnect,
Speaker 1: but let go. Maybe you just have a new normal
Speaker 1: in a relationship, and you don't have to stop loving him,
Speaker 1: you don't have to stop caring about him, but you
Speaker 1: do have to hear what he's saying and move accordingly
Speaker 1: and a way that works for you. Make it work
Speaker 1: for you. Okay, okay, you all right, my love, take
Speaker 1: good care, bye bye. When it comes to communication, we
Speaker 1: really have to learn how to hear what's being said
Speaker 1: as opposed to what we are listening to. You're listening
Speaker 1: takes place inside of you, and your hearing is your
Speaker 1: response to the information or the words that are coming
Speaker 1: from the outside. And you've got to make sure that
Speaker 1: you're listening is clear and that your hearing is clear,
Speaker 1: because if you confuse those two things, you're going to
Speaker 1: end up putting what you're listening to on the other
Speaker 1: person and make them responsible for what you're listening to,
Speaker 1: and you're totally ignore what it is that you're hearing
Speaker 1: from that. Oh, communication takes a bad rap, and that's
Speaker 1: because most of us don't know how to do it.
Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, And if
Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.