1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I want to speak today as an advocate 10 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: for communication because I think communication takes a bad rap 11 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: in relationships. Everybody blames everything on communication. Oh, we have 12 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: bad commun munication, we have poor communication. We can't communicate. 13 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:08,200 Speaker 1: He don't communicate. I don't communicate. It's not communication, it's 14 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,679 Speaker 1: your mind. When you don't have clarity in your mind 15 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: about who you are, about what you want, about what 16 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 1: it is that you're doing, and what it is you desire. 17 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: When you're not clear about what's working what's not working, 18 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 1: of course you can't communicate. You can't communicate with yourself. 19 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,880 Speaker 1: How you going to communicate with somebody else. Communication is 20 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:38,120 Speaker 1: a two way operation. It's offering something, it's hearing something, 21 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: and in there you have speaking, you have listening, you 22 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:46,040 Speaker 1: have hearing, you have sharing, and people don't make those distinctions. 23 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: What's the distinction between hearing and listening. There's two different things, 24 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: and when you don't know that and you try to articulate, 25 00:01:55,800 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 1: it'll break down and then you blame communication. Communication has 26 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: to be clear, but the clarity has to first come 27 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: from within you. Communication has to be clean, meaning you 28 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 1: cannot have a hidden agenda. You can have unspoken truths, 29 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 1: you can have speculations and judgments, clear clean, and then 30 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: it has to be complete, complete. You have to say 31 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: what you mean, mean what you say, and walk away 32 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:30,239 Speaker 1: with every question you had answered. But since most of 33 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 1: us go into communications without a clear intention, without a 34 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 1: clear direction, it breaks down and then we blame it 35 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:45,239 Speaker 1: on communication. Stop blaming communication and blame your crooked mind communication. 36 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: My next guest thinks she has a communication problem. I 37 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: don't think it's communication. I think it's a lack of clarity. 38 00:02:54,480 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. 39 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 1: And what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma that we 40 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,480 Speaker 1: can investigate today? 41 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 2: Okay, so I have been in an almost nine year 42 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 2: relationship now and five years into the relationship, we decided 43 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,520 Speaker 2: to move in with each other. Then we end up 44 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,519 Speaker 2: having a baby. Two years after the baby, well, during 45 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 2: my pregnancy we had kind of like a little downfall. 46 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,919 Speaker 2: We you know, fell off a little bit. So we're 47 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 2: trying to get that together. The baby came, we were 48 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 2: able to help hold it together for the baby. Two 49 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,960 Speaker 2: years later, we decided, we mutually agreed that it was 50 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 2: best for us to separate. I moved out and also 51 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 2: off have two kids prior to him. We decided to separate. 52 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 2: I moved out. So now it's been two years that 53 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 2: we've been separating. So within these last two years, it's 54 00:03:55,680 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 2: just been it's just been a real emotional rollercoaster, you know, 55 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 2: trying to decide if we still want to be together 56 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 2: or if we don't want to be together. But at 57 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 2: the same time, we are still seeing each other. We're 58 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 2: still kind of like dating, you know. Still nothing really changed. 59 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 2: Let's say that nothing really changed in our pattern except 60 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 2: for we move we separated. So I'm just trying to 61 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 2: figure out how do I navigate. 62 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 1: That navigate what let do you navigate one? 63 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 2: I guess, I guess navigate on us trying to get 64 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 2: back together into one household and just being just being 65 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 2: able to be competible and have a better communication and 66 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 2: better relationship to get back on track, for us to 67 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 2: move back into with each other and move forward in 68 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 2: our lives. 69 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,599 Speaker 1: Can I ask a question, why did you break up 70 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:46,479 Speaker 1: in the first place? 71 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 2: Well, I don't. I don't. I don't necessarily think we 72 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 2: never broke up. I think that's where the I don't know. 73 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 2: I don't want to say that's a problem, but we 74 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 2: never really broke up. 75 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,479 Speaker 1: Well, what does that mean? How are you defining separation 76 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 1: when you left? What was the agreement? What was the understanding? 77 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess we were I guess when 78 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,440 Speaker 2: we moved out, when we separated, we just said that 79 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,919 Speaker 2: we were just going to I don't know really, to 80 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,719 Speaker 2: be honest, I guess we were trying to figure it 81 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 2: out as long as we go. 82 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: Okay, wait a minute, hold on, because now I'm confused. 83 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: I moved out because I moved out because. 84 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 2: I moved out because we ultimately couldn't get along or 85 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,279 Speaker 2: a communication fell apart. We were on the same level. 86 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: What does that mean? What does that mean? Communication? What 87 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 1: does that mean? 88 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,839 Speaker 2: I guess we like maybe it was like it because 89 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:47,360 Speaker 2: I I cannot I'm able to articulate how I felt. 90 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 2: So at that time, he was in school when we 91 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 2: were living together, he was in schools and he was 92 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 2: going home from school and working from home, so he 93 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,039 Speaker 2: spent a lot of time upstairs on a computer. I 94 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,479 Speaker 2: was downstairs, you know, I was pregnant at the time, 95 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,559 Speaker 2: taking care kids, and then I had the baby, taking 96 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 2: care of the baby, and then I just felt like, 97 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:11,160 Speaker 2: you know, he never really contributed to the household where 98 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 2: when we moved in, our agreement was for me to 99 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: take care of the household age because he paid all 100 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,720 Speaker 2: the bills. I didn't pay any bills. And I think 101 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 2: that's just the communication just fell apart, and I think 102 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 2: I got overwhelmed in the situation and I could not 103 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 2: express that to him, and then we just kind of 104 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:27,680 Speaker 2: fell off. 105 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:33,839 Speaker 1: So I moved out because we couldn't communicate. I couldn't 106 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 1: express my needs and wants. I was overwhelmed and couldn't 107 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 1: express that, and he didn't contribute to the household. Is 108 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: that but he paid all the bills, but he didn't 109 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,919 Speaker 1: contribute to the household. Break that down for me, what 110 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: does that mean? 111 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 2: Well, maybe towards just taking care of the kids or 112 00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,719 Speaker 2: the cooking, the cleaning. He didn't contribute any of that. 113 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 1: You mean, the man who was in school and working 114 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 1: and paying all the bills didn't help you with the 115 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: kids and the cooking and the cleaning. 116 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 2: Right, And I didn't see that then. 117 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,520 Speaker 1: Okay, so you moved out. Are there any other reasons 118 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: you moved out? No? 119 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 2: And well I couldn't know. It was mutual. We agreed 120 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 2: that it would be best for us to separate before 121 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 2: I guess. 122 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: Before mutual for us to separate. And did you define 123 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: what that separation would look like? 124 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 2: No, we didn't. 125 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: So now two years later, you all are still You've 126 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: got this entanglement going on, lack of clarity about what 127 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,040 Speaker 1: it is correct, lack of clarity about what you're doing, 128 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: lack of clarity about where you're going, lack of clarity. 129 00:07:56,080 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: So nothing has changed, but you want to get back 130 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:05,680 Speaker 1: in it under the same roof. Is that what I'm 131 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 1: hearing you say? Yeah? 132 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 2: And I think a lot of it, yes, ma'am. 133 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 1: Yes, Okay, do you see how that could be a problem. Yes, 134 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,000 Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question that's going to seem 135 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: totally random. Okay, And I don't care what your answer is. 136 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,080 Speaker 1: I just want to explore this a little bit. Is 137 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,160 Speaker 1: it that you didn't grow up with a father, or 138 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 1: is it that your father was very dominating. 139 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 2: I didn't grow up with my father. 140 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: You don't know as a woman how to be in 141 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 1: relationship with a man upon whom you are dependent, because 142 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,120 Speaker 1: if he paid all of the bills, you were dependent 143 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: upon him, yes, which immediately drops him into the daddy role. 144 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: But if you didn't grow up with a daddy, you 145 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: don't know how to be present in authority or in 146 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: the presence of authority. So you just become a little girl. 147 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 1: And little girls usually don't complain to their daddy. Little 148 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: girls sometimes don't know how to ask daddy what they want. 149 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,760 Speaker 1: For what they want, they'll whine and they'll complain to 150 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: themselves and whatever whatever. So, but if you weren't in 151 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 1: relationship with a man in a authority role in your life, 152 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 1: you never developed that voice and that place to know 153 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: how to be in relationship with a man that you 154 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 1: consider to be an authority. Right, hmm. Interesting, we'll talk 155 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:51,480 Speaker 1: more about it when we come back. Welcome back to 156 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: the r spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So 157 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: the first thing I want you to know is he's 158 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: not your daddy. That's number one, right, And if you've 159 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,200 Speaker 1: giving up the cookies to him, you have a right 160 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: to ask what you want for what you want. Yeah, 161 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: so what do you want? 162 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 2: What I want is for us to be able to 163 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,200 Speaker 2: communicate better, to move forward with our. 164 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: Relationship, communicate better. Well, first of all, we might want 165 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: to explore a little bit. What is the relationship is 166 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: that your man? Are you his woman? Are you just 167 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 1: the mother of his children? Are you his girlfriend? Are 168 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: you what is the relationship between the two of you? 169 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,840 Speaker 1: Are you a co parenting? Are you good friends? Friends 170 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,200 Speaker 1: with benefits? You got to get clear about that. What 171 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: is the relationship? 172 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, cause I feel like we're all of the above. 173 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 1: Actually, well what does he feel? 174 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 2: I don't know, And I think that's what I want 175 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 2: to say. That's what I've been trying to figure out. 176 00:10:55,200 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 2: But then when I asked him, is yeah, we work together, 177 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 2: but then it's always but I feel like there's like 178 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,839 Speaker 2: an apprehensive there, like a hesitation. 179 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: Rather okay, and have you asked him about that? What 180 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 1: is your hesitation? 181 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 2: No? 182 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:21,200 Speaker 1: I haven't because little girls don't challenge their daddy. So 183 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 1: the first thing that you have to find out to him, 184 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:28,360 Speaker 1: what is our relationship? How do you see our relationship? 185 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:33,400 Speaker 1: What are we doing here? You have to ask that question, yes, 186 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: because you don't know if he got a girlfriend on 187 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,200 Speaker 1: the side, you don't know what he's doing. Does he 188 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,679 Speaker 1: have a key to your house? Do you have a 189 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,079 Speaker 1: key to his house? When do y'all get together? How 190 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 1: do you get together? What is going on? You're like 191 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: a carrot on a stick. 192 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 2: I guess that's where it falls in where we have 193 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 2: trouble with spending time with each other because I guess 194 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 2: because it's like I want to We try to spend 195 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,320 Speaker 2: time with each other, but then it's like, you know, 196 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,720 Speaker 2: some days I feel like I'd rather just be home 197 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 2: alone that or I've had this face alone to myself. 198 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,719 Speaker 2: A lot of times I feel like I'd rather be alone, 199 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 2: home alone rather well, is. 200 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,959 Speaker 1: It possible that you all can be in a relationship 201 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: and have separate households? Is that what you want or 202 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: is that what he wants? Or is that workable for you? 203 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: But it still means that you have to clarify what 204 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: the relationship is again. Are you all just co parenting? 205 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: Are you partners? Are you friends? With benefits. What are 206 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: you got to get that stuff clear? And it can't 207 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,679 Speaker 1: just be you. You have to understand what it is 208 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: that he wants, and you have to share with him 209 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,480 Speaker 1: what he wants. And then if both of you want 210 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:47,320 Speaker 1: the same things but there are obstacles between you, then 211 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,960 Speaker 1: you can also you can always get some support or 212 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: some help to deal with the obstacles. And then what 213 00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:56,680 Speaker 1: about the children? You got children bouncing around in here. 214 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 2: But I feel like that's also a big factor too. 215 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:05,079 Speaker 2: I have two teenage boys, the second teenage boys in him. 216 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 2: They kind of bump hands a little. 217 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 1: Well, I guess so, because if you don't know who 218 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,520 Speaker 1: this man is in your life, how is your son 219 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: supposed to know who this man is in his life? 220 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,559 Speaker 1: Is this an elder man in my life? My stepfather, 221 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: my mother's friend who guides me, supports me. I mean, 222 00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: if you don't know who he is, how's your son 223 00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:28,640 Speaker 1: supposed to know who he is? 224 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 2: Well, we've had that conversation multiple times, but I feel 225 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 2: like we never get anywhere. And then we agree to, 226 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,360 Speaker 2: you know, let's spend time together, and then we'll spend 227 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 2: a time together, and then life goes on, and then 228 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 2: we fall back into what we were doing prior to that. 229 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 1: You might need some outside support because clearly there are 230 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 1: things that are unspoken. Clearly there are things that are unsad. 231 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,199 Speaker 1: You can't even tell me why you separated other than 232 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 1: he wasn't contruyet into the household besides paying all the bills. 233 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: You know how many women would stay with a man 234 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: who pays all the bills. A woman who's a stay 235 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,120 Speaker 1: at home mom, she'd be happy to cook and clean. 236 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,440 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. 237 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 2: Yeah. 238 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to get clear about what 239 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 1: you want and if you can have it with him, 240 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,160 Speaker 1: and he's not your father, you don't have to be 241 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,440 Speaker 1: afraid to let him go, nor do you have to 242 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:29,800 Speaker 1: hang on. If this is the man in your life, 243 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 1: then you need to get clear about what it is 244 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,280 Speaker 1: that you want from the man in your life and 245 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: see by asking if he's willing to provide those things 246 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:47,560 Speaker 1: and what does he want from the woman in his life, 247 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 1: and if he can articulate that to you, if he 248 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: can share that with you, then maybe you need to 249 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 1: consider am I willing to be that for him? And 250 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,960 Speaker 1: you may not be able to do that by yourself. 251 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: You may have to get some outside support you know, 252 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: a counselor coach, therapist, whatever. Are you ready to have 253 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:17,280 Speaker 1: the conversation. Are you clear about what you want, because 254 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: if not, I'm going to tell you don't have it 255 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: until you are clear. You are clear. I want to 256 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 1: be with him, but I want us to be in 257 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: separate household. I want us to have more time together. 258 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 1: I want us to continue. Be clear, because again, you're 259 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 1: growing yourself up, so you don't know who you are becoming. 260 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: You can only be who you are right now. So 261 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 1: get clear about what it is that you want. 262 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you so much. 263 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: Let me know how you make out. Thank you, okay, 264 00:15:54,080 --> 00:16:00,960 Speaker 1: my love, take care, bye bye. Why One of the 265 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 1: reasons that we have challenges when it comes to communication, hearing, listening, speaking, 266 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,600 Speaker 1: is because we forget that there's an organic process going 267 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: on in our relationships. Things are growing, things are falling off, 268 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: things are coming into being, and we won't let things 269 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: happen organically, and we try to communicate from what we 270 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,840 Speaker 1: think might happen or the fear of what won't happen. 271 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 1: Let it happen organically and respond to the moment. Be 272 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 1: aware of what you're listening to within yourself in the moment. 273 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 1: Be aware of what you're hearing from the other person 274 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,520 Speaker 1: in the moment, not about what couldn't happen, what might happen, 275 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: what didn't happen, what should happen the organic process. Communicate 276 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 1: about that and not about the fears or the desperation 277 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:01,600 Speaker 1: or the past or the future. Organically, Let it happen organically. 278 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 1: That's what my next caller is dealing with, fear or 279 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 1: hesitation or resistance or judgment of the organic process. Greetings, 280 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 1: be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. How can 281 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,240 Speaker 1: I support you today in moving through your relationship issue 282 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:20,400 Speaker 1: challenged dilemma? 283 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 3: Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. The 284 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,879 Speaker 3: question that I have so just a little bit briefly 285 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 3: about me is I have been single for almost six 286 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 3: years because I really wanted to spend some time working 287 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 3: on myself and figuring out who I wanted and what 288 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 3: I needed in a partnership. So I met someone about 289 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,960 Speaker 3: two years ago. We started great dating. Everything was great, 290 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 3: and I'm trying my heartest like not to give up 291 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 3: on somebody because I feel like in the past I 292 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 3: just fil the talent too easy. But the situation I'm 293 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 3: in now with this person we're coming up on two 294 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 3: years and about six or so months ago they left 295 00:17:55,440 --> 00:18:00,159 Speaker 3: their full time corporate job to pursue entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, it 296 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 3: hasn't been working out in the way that they thought 297 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,000 Speaker 3: that it would, and so they're struggling a little bit 298 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:09,160 Speaker 3: financially now. And in that time, they've been pretty distant 299 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 3: with me, and he said that he just really isn't 300 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,919 Speaker 3: feeling like much of a man right now because of 301 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,160 Speaker 3: him not being able to earn money in the same 302 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 3: way and him feeling like a failure, and so he 303 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,359 Speaker 3: just doesn't have a capacity to show up for me. 304 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 3: So my question is, do I stick around. Do I 305 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 3: be a cheerleader and just kind of work with him 306 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,959 Speaker 3: as he gets over this hurdle, or do I just 307 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,400 Speaker 3: like really listen when he tells me I don't want 308 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 3: to be in a relationship right now, or I don't 309 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,360 Speaker 3: have time for the relationship right now because of my finances. 310 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,399 Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. Okay, if a 311 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: man says to you, I don't want to be in 312 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: a relationship right now because I'm working on myself, I'm 313 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: pursuing something. It's not looking the way I wanted to look, 314 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: and I'm not feeling really good about myself right now. 315 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 1: The man says that to you, do you listen to 316 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,159 Speaker 1: what he's saying or do you stick around and be 317 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 1: his cheerleader. 318 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 3: I think I'll listen to what he's saying. I think 319 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,919 Speaker 3: for me in my house, I think in my mind, 320 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,560 Speaker 3: I guess like because we had a year and a 321 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,159 Speaker 3: half of like greatness and it was just kind of like, 322 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 3: if to me, if we need to slow down on 323 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 3: like going out or sending money or things like that, 324 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,879 Speaker 3: that's fine. But I don't know. I think that I 325 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 3: don't know if I'm setting myself up for selure of 326 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,800 Speaker 3: having hope that when he does get it together that 327 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,280 Speaker 3: it will still be me that he wonts or if 328 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,840 Speaker 3: it's really he just decided I'm not the person and 329 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,399 Speaker 3: this is the excuse he's using. 330 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 1: What difference does it make a man has said to you, 331 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,640 Speaker 1: I don't want to be in relationship with you if 332 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,520 Speaker 1: it's because he found too gray hair under his chin, 333 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,240 Speaker 1: what difference does it make? 334 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:48,359 Speaker 3: Yeah? 335 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:50,199 Speaker 1: And how old are you? 336 00:19:51,119 --> 00:19:51,960 Speaker 3: Thirty four? 337 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,040 Speaker 1: Thirty four? How long have you been thirty four? 338 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 3: In October? 339 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,400 Speaker 1: Okay, since October you've been thirty four? But you've been 340 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,640 Speaker 1: in your life all your life? Right? 341 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,240 Speaker 2: Yeah? 342 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 1: Did you waste any time in your life to get 343 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:07,400 Speaker 1: to thirty four? 344 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,840 Speaker 3: I want to call it a waste, but I definitely 345 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,440 Speaker 3: made sure. I think I've made decisions that I wish 346 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,359 Speaker 3: I had done things differently, but I don't want to 347 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,080 Speaker 3: call anything like a waste of time. 348 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,960 Speaker 1: Right. So, you've been with you thirty four years. You've 349 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:25,119 Speaker 1: made some mistakes that you could have done differently, but 350 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 1: you think that thirty four years you've been with you 351 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:28,960 Speaker 1: is pretty good, right? 352 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 2: Yeah? 353 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: Okay, So why you convention over a year and a 354 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:37,920 Speaker 1: half you've been with somebody else. If you could put 355 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,439 Speaker 1: up with you for thirty four years, why can't you 356 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 1: put up with somebody else and let it go for 357 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,320 Speaker 1: a year and a half? 358 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:44,960 Speaker 2: That's true? 359 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,480 Speaker 1: Is it? Is it true? 360 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 3: I think the reason for me is that I know 361 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,720 Speaker 3: what I have dated people in the past. I have 362 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,520 Speaker 3: very easily been like Nope, done with this person, done 363 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 3: with this person, and didn't really fight or give it 364 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,560 Speaker 3: a try or work doing tough things. And I was 365 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,200 Speaker 3: just trying to not be that person anymore. 366 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 1: But what does the past have to do with the 367 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,240 Speaker 1: present moment? And a man who is saying I don't 368 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 1: want to be in relationship right now for whatever reason. 369 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,440 Speaker 1: I found two gray hen or air on my chin. 370 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:24,720 Speaker 1: I'm trying to grow my penis another inch. I saw 371 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 1: the moon and it filled me up with melancholy. What 372 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,119 Speaker 1: the difference does it make he don't want to be 373 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: in relationship? Okay, and you stick around thinking that he 374 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,640 Speaker 1: can change his mind or it's going to be different, 375 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:44,480 Speaker 1: or he's not telling whatever. What part of you as 376 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,080 Speaker 1: a woman can't hear he doesn't want to be in 377 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 1: relationship for whatever reason. We'll talk about that right after 378 00:21:52,160 --> 00:22:01,880 Speaker 1: this break. Come back to the R spot. Let's pick 379 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 1: up where we left off. I can't get past he 380 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,360 Speaker 1: don't want to be in relationship. I can't get past that. 381 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: That would do it for me. I hear you love 382 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: you mean it. You don't have to stop loving him, 383 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,400 Speaker 1: caring about him. But it's a year and a half. 384 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: I've been with me for thirty four years, So if 385 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 1: somebody is rejecting me, I'm gonna believe him. 386 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:24,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, Well that was easy. 387 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: And what do you want to investigate is why in 388 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 1: the why can't you hear that? 389 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 3: I think that it's been hard to hear it, because 390 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 3: we still communicate every day and we still talk and 391 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,919 Speaker 3: we still say I love you and everything, And so 392 00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 3: that's why I think it's been a little bit challenging. 393 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,600 Speaker 3: Like he even like since saying that he has even 394 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 3: taken me to meet his parents. So I don't know, 395 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,160 Speaker 3: Like I think that the things that he says is saying. 396 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 2: Is nothing to do with you. 397 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,640 Speaker 3: I love you, You're amazing. I'm not in a good place 398 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 3: that I need to be in a better place. But 399 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 3: I think that it hasn't been complete ignoring that's been happening, 400 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 3: or complete like shutting off of communication. It's been like, oh, 401 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 3: we're selling each other's lives, but I'm still talking to 402 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 3: you about all these things and we're still doing everything else. 403 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,639 Speaker 1: Well, maybe you only need to take a break. Maybe 404 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 1: what you can say is I hear you saying you 405 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,880 Speaker 1: want to be in a better place, and I want 406 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 1: that for you. But because of how I feel about you, 407 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: I don't know how to navigate this. So let's take 408 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,399 Speaker 1: a ninety day break. And what that break looks like 409 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: is we're not going to be talking to each other 410 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,960 Speaker 1: each day, We're not going to be going out, we're 411 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,880 Speaker 1: not going to be doing those things for at least 412 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: ninety days, and then at the end of the ninety 413 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:47,400 Speaker 1: days we can reevaluate. Because I can't navigate this, tell 414 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:53,400 Speaker 1: them the truth. Okay, I don't know how to navigate this. 415 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 1: So I'm hoping against hope that you'll get it together. 416 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 1: But you have to know it doesn't do my woman. 417 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,520 Speaker 1: That's really good to hear. To be with a man 418 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: who says he doesn't want to be in relationship. See 419 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:11,120 Speaker 1: what happens. Okay, what does that mean? Okay, I said. 420 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,080 Speaker 2: Now I wrote it down. 421 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,359 Speaker 3: It sounds like we just need to have a talk 422 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,120 Speaker 3: and a clear I'm not like a I mean, maybe 423 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,199 Speaker 3: a break will work. I've never been that type that 424 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 3: comes back to something just because of like my own 425 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 3: healing process. 426 00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:25,560 Speaker 2: I just like to really move forward. 427 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 3: So I don't know about the coming back in ninety days, 428 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,200 Speaker 3: but maybe that is something that I need to try 429 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,400 Speaker 3: that I've never tried before. But the problem is too 430 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,800 Speaker 3: I don't want to spend ninety days hopeful either, because 431 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:37,160 Speaker 3: I know. 432 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 1: You don't go on with your life. 433 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not that easy. 434 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:45,359 Speaker 1: Go on with your life. Yeah, find something new to 435 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,480 Speaker 1: do in that ninety days. Take a knitting, Go get 436 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: a fish, you got a dog, get on. 437 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,400 Speaker 3: No, I do have a lot of things I could 438 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 3: do to take of my time. I'm a PhD student, 439 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:03,359 Speaker 3: so lots going on by I understand what you mean. 440 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: But here is the thing. You have to let go 441 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 1: in the ninety days, not hang on in the ninety days. 442 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,840 Speaker 1: You have to let go. 443 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:16,919 Speaker 3: You have tips for letting go. 444 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 1: Make the choice. Hear what he's saying, and maybe in 445 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 1: the ninety days you won't come back to an intimate, 446 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,199 Speaker 1: loving relationship. Maybe you'll be friends, maybe you'll be I 447 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 1: don't know, distant cousins. But it's not clear. It's not 448 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,600 Speaker 1: clean right now. Yeah, it's not clear or clean because 449 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,520 Speaker 1: what he's speaking and what he's doing or two different things, 450 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:46,440 Speaker 1: which sends you into a tail spin. Let go, thanks, 451 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: And even if every day you have to get up 452 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,880 Speaker 1: and say, I don't know what his name is, boo boo, 453 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 1: I'm letting you go today. I wish you nothing but 454 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,280 Speaker 1: the best. I'm letting you go in my mind, I'm 455 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,879 Speaker 1: letting you go in my heart. When he calls, you 456 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,280 Speaker 1: look at the phone and you say, boo boo, I'm 457 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,040 Speaker 1: letting you go. I'm letting you go in your mind, 458 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,680 Speaker 1: my mind, I'm letting you go in my heart, I'm 459 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:10,640 Speaker 1: not taking your call. 460 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 2: Do you well? 461 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,920 Speaker 3: A different question, how do you know, like even taking 462 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 3: this person out of the picture, just like for my 463 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,960 Speaker 3: own knowledge and advice, how do you know when you're 464 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:25,840 Speaker 3: dating someone, what is something that is a barrier to 465 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,119 Speaker 3: work through versus this is not the one to be 466 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:30,639 Speaker 3: fighting for. 467 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 1: I never advise fighting for anybody. Okay, I allow things 468 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: to happen organically. But what's keeping you in the relationship 469 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,199 Speaker 1: or what's keeping you hanging on is fear. Fear that 470 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,440 Speaker 1: you're doing the wrong thing, Fear that he's right one, 471 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,720 Speaker 1: Fear he's not the right one. Fear that you'll hang 472 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 1: around and he won't show up or he won't work through. 473 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:53,560 Speaker 1: It's fear. So that's not love anyway. See, if he 474 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,880 Speaker 1: made the decision to quit his job to become an entrepreneur, 475 00:26:57,119 --> 00:27:00,879 Speaker 1: what was that discussion and what was the expert there? 476 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,440 Speaker 2: No, I think it was for him. 477 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,960 Speaker 3: It was because he's Nigerian and so he felt like 478 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 3: he was living out his parents' dream. And so he 479 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 3: turned forty and on historieth birthday was just kind of like, 480 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 3: I need to start living my life for myself because 481 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,960 Speaker 3: I've been doing it for everybody else, and so I 482 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 3: think that's going to start with pursuing a career that 483 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 3: I want to do now what my parents want me 484 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:22,520 Speaker 3: to do. 485 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,360 Speaker 1: That was a great, great self honoring, self loving choice, 486 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:28,280 Speaker 1: It really was. 487 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:29,640 Speaker 2: Yeah. 488 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,199 Speaker 1: And the fact that he didn't think about the consequences, 489 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,239 Speaker 1: or he wasn't prepared, or he didn't look at all 490 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,919 Speaker 1: the contingencies. It's just a mistake and he'll have to 491 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,280 Speaker 1: figure that out, and you can stick around with him 492 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:45,359 Speaker 1: while he figures it out or not. Yeah, But if 493 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,720 Speaker 1: he's saying to you, I don't want to be in 494 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,919 Speaker 1: a relationship right now, then I'm why did you go 495 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,879 Speaker 1: meet his parents? And why are you still talking to 496 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,880 Speaker 1: him every day? What is that? Are you a glutton 497 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,920 Speaker 1: for punishment? How about this is not what I want? 498 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,280 Speaker 1: How about it's just that simple. Yeah, I don't want 499 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with a man where I 500 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 1: don't know if I'm coming or going, or if he's 501 00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 1: coming or going, or if we're coming or going. I 502 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: don't want that. So I love you, but I've got 503 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:18,000 Speaker 1: to let go. Okay, gotta let go? And what's the 504 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,720 Speaker 1: butt it makes sense. 505 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 3: But no, I actually I don't have a butt. I'm 506 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,639 Speaker 3: just like listening. I think I'm just hearing probably what 507 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 3: I already knew in my head. 508 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 1: Uh yeah, yeah, See, there's a distinction between hearing and listening. 509 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: Your listening is what goes on internally inside of you. 510 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: Your hearing is the sound that comes to you or 511 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,920 Speaker 1: the words that are delivered to you through another mechanism, 512 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,360 Speaker 1: in this way, through his voice. So you're listening is 513 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to do what I'm doing I did before. 514 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: I want to be different and I want to give 515 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 1: this a chance. So when you hear what he says, 516 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,840 Speaker 1: it bumps up against your listening and you start, well, 517 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: am I doing what I did before? Am I being different? 518 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 1: Or am I doing the same thing? But then you're 519 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: not hearing what he is saying. Does that make sense 520 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:18,320 Speaker 1: to you? 521 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 3: It does? And I think that one thing that I 522 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 3: left out too is when we had the conversation about 523 00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 3: that not being a relationship, the way in which he 524 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 3: talked about it was I can't afford to take you 525 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 3: out right now. I can't afford for us to move 526 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 3: in and we provide right now. I can't afford for 527 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 3: these things, and so I think my head was like, well, 528 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,800 Speaker 3: I'm making money right now and I can't. I mean, 529 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,520 Speaker 3: I'm not paying for nothing for him, But it was 530 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 3: almost like, oh, you're You're making it seem like the 531 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 3: financial piece is like I understand that finances are going 532 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:56,240 Speaker 3: to eb and flow throughout the longevity of any relationships, 533 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 3: and so to me, even though I heard him saying 534 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,880 Speaker 3: like I don't want this relationship, the reason was because 535 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,120 Speaker 3: I can't provide X, Y and Z with you because 536 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,120 Speaker 3: of my finances. And I think I have been trying 537 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 3: throughout this time and why I still met his mom, 538 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 3: still talk to him. I have been trying to show 539 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 3: him like, oh, like, you don't need to have this 540 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 3: much money in order for us to have a meaningful relationship. 541 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 3: But I don't think he sees it as that because 542 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 3: of how much of a provider type of person that 543 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 3: he is. But I do think that that is why 544 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,640 Speaker 3: I have been holding on of Like I heard the 545 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:32,600 Speaker 3: not wanting to be in a relationship reason differently in 546 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,520 Speaker 3: my head than maybe how. 547 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 2: He meant it. 548 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: But you're not hearing that you are involved with a 549 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 1: man who measures his value in worth by what he 550 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,720 Speaker 1: does and what he can provide. You're not hearing that, 551 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,920 Speaker 1: and it doesn't matter what you think. That's what matters 552 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,640 Speaker 1: to him. So whether you'll stay together or don't stay together, 553 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 1: you need to hear what he's saying, because should he 554 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:03,480 Speaker 1: get fired or become incapacitated, you got to understand that 555 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 1: that's a blow to how he sees himself as a man. 556 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:12,200 Speaker 1: Doesn't matter what you think. Hear what he's saying. Trying 557 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:17,000 Speaker 1: to convince him that what he thinks and feels about 558 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,600 Speaker 1: himself doesn't matter to you. That's not going to work 559 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 1: out either. He's giving you some really valuable information. 560 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 3: Here that doesn't change what his values are and what matter. 561 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:32,320 Speaker 1: Said, but you're not hearing it. And sometimes that's what 562 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: we do, and that's what throws communication off and then 563 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 1: we blame communication. No, he's being very clear, I value 564 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 1: myself as a man by what I do, what I have, 565 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 1: and what I can give. That's how he values himself. 566 00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,920 Speaker 1: Otherwise the conversation would have been I really want to 567 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: go out and work on this entrepreneurial thing and see 568 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,280 Speaker 1: if I can make it work, and I really want 569 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: to know if you'll hang in here with me. That's 570 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 1: another possibility. It's going to look different. We're not gonna 571 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: be able to go out like we used to, and 572 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,920 Speaker 1: I don't feel good about you as the woman paying 573 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 1: for stuff, so we'll have to stay home. We won't 574 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: be able to do those things. As long as this 575 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,960 Speaker 1: isn't working for me, that's another possibility. But he had 576 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:28,960 Speaker 1: that conversation, right, So he's giving you some valuable information 577 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 1: about who he is, about his character, about his sense 578 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: of self value, self worth, whether he got it from 579 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:39,680 Speaker 1: his parents or not. Some of it is cultural, yeah, 580 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:42,280 Speaker 1: but it's still information. Do you want to be with 581 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:47,240 Speaker 1: a man who values himself and measures his worth based 582 00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: on what he has and what he does? Is that 583 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 1: who you want to be with? 584 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:53,720 Speaker 3: I don't know. I guess I never really thought it. 585 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 2: I don't know. 586 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 3: I hadn't thought about it in that way, But I'm 587 00:32:57,760 --> 00:32:59,560 Speaker 3: not sure. I don't have an answer for that. 588 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to have one, but it's just 589 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,360 Speaker 1: something to consider because that is what he is communicating. 590 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,360 Speaker 2: Okay, see if. 591 00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 1: The ninety days will work for you, and in that time, 592 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:18,280 Speaker 1: like I said, let go doesn't mean you can't reconnect, 593 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: but let go. Maybe you just have a new normal 594 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,960 Speaker 1: in a relationship, and you don't have to stop loving him, 595 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: you don't have to stop caring about him, but you 596 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:29,880 Speaker 1: do have to hear what he's saying and move accordingly 597 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:33,360 Speaker 1: and a way that works for you. Make it work 598 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:37,800 Speaker 1: for you. Okay, okay, you all right, my love, take 599 00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:45,000 Speaker 1: good care, bye bye. When it comes to communication, we 600 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: really have to learn how to hear what's being said 601 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:55,440 Speaker 1: as opposed to what we are listening to. You're listening 602 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:59,760 Speaker 1: takes place inside of you, and your hearing is your 603 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 1: response to the information or the words that are coming 604 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 1: from the outside. And you've got to make sure that 605 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: you're listening is clear and that your hearing is clear, 606 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 1: because if you confuse those two things, you're going to 607 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 1: end up putting what you're listening to on the other 608 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 1: person and make them responsible for what you're listening to, 609 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,280 Speaker 1: and you're totally ignore what it is that you're hearing 610 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 1: from that. Oh, communication takes a bad rap, and that's 611 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,040 Speaker 1: because most of us don't know how to do it. 612 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,920 Speaker 1: I hope this has been helpful to someone, And if 613 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:46,759 Speaker 1: you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 614 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,160 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 615 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,440 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to 616 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 617 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:09,239 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 618 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:13,319 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 619 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 620 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:23,279 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 621 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:24,120 Speaker 1: favorite shows.