Speaker 1: The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television
Speaker 1: and Ember twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised.
Speaker 2: Welcome to Ludlok Cafe. Can I take your order?
Speaker 1: Hi? Can I please get a large cold brew with
Speaker 1: a shot of espresso?
Speaker 2: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Your name Damien?
Speaker 2: Anything else?
Speaker 1: What do you want?
Speaker 3: Just a black coffee.
Speaker 1: And the black coffee please? The name on that one
Speaker 1: is Santi.
Speaker 2: Great and you're actually all set on payment?
Speaker 4: The person before you took care.
Speaker 5: Of your order?
Speaker 1: What really really?
Speaker 4: The last twenty or so cars, I've been passing it
Speaker 4: on paying for.
Speaker 1: The next person. Oh okay, in that case, I'll also
Speaker 1: take an almond croissant and everything bagel and one of
Speaker 1: those little cake lollipops.
Speaker 6: Oh are you sure you don't want to pay for
Speaker 6: the next person's order to keep the chain going?
Speaker 1: Okay? Okay, so hear me out. Oh boy, if every
Speaker 1: car receives one order and pays for one order, isn't
Speaker 1: it essentially the same as everyone just paying for their own?
Speaker 1: I mean, is buying the next person's drink really altruistic
Speaker 1: if you didn't even buy your own to begin with? Moreover,
Speaker 1: the first person's kindness ultimately doesn't achieve anything until someone
Speaker 1: finally accepts the gift without passing it on. So, if
Speaker 1: you think about it, that first person isn't able to
Speaker 1: collect on their good deed until someone stops the chain, right,
Speaker 1: I yes, so I knew you'd understand.
Speaker 3: Jeez, Duane, any orphans you want to run over while
Speaker 3: we're here?
Speaker 1: Am I wrong?
Speaker 3: I think you're missing the point.
Speaker 1: Boo, boyo.
Speaker 3: The gesture isn't about receiving money.
Speaker 7: It's about making someone smile, passing on something to be
Speaker 7: happy about, even if it's.
Speaker 3: Just for a moment.
Speaker 1: Order for Damien and Santa, that's us. Well, boyo, I
Speaker 1: feel momentarily happy about my free drink, So I guess
Speaker 1: it worked. Hey, this isn't what I ordered. I'm awake.
Speaker 1: I'm awake.
Speaker 3: It's Matteo. Let me in.
Speaker 1: Matteo dropping by unannounced. We met like a week ago,
Speaker 1: one sec.
Speaker 3: Damien, come on, open.
Speaker 1: Up, good grief, mataio chill. I prefer to be medicated
Speaker 1: before receiving visitors. Is there anything better than movie characters
Speaker 1: who take a lot of nondescript hills for some nebulous
Speaker 1: mental illness were never told about. It's like she's tough
Speaker 1: and complex. I'm coming.
Speaker 7: Him sorry for dropping in My ball landed in your backyard.
Speaker 1: And all my irritation at Mateo melts away when I
Speaker 1: see him. It's unclear these days whether that's because of
Speaker 1: him or his resemblance to Santy, but I'll take it
Speaker 1: either way. I like your dorm, Clifton Hall. Baby. The
Speaker 1: only thing more laid back than the RAS is the
Speaker 1: fire safety Protocol.
Speaker 3: How many times have you used that one? Are you
Speaker 3: ready for the midterm?
Speaker 1: Mid term? He says, midterm?
Speaker 3: You say yes, ethics and journalism.
Speaker 1: I'm really not too worried. I mean, how hard could
Speaker 1: ethics in journalism be? Just like, don't be a dick? Wait,
Speaker 1: I feel something. It's it's a joke for me, don't
Speaker 1: be a dick dick. Dick also means detective, private dick.
Speaker 1: There it is private dick. I'm solving a mystery through
Speaker 1: sex and haven't made a private dick joke until now. Ah,
Speaker 1: but what's the actual joke? Mmm mm hmm. You need
Speaker 1: a little help, Joma activate.
Speaker 4: I've told you many times, please do not call me Joma.
Speaker 4: I am joke machine Model three point one three.
Speaker 1: Good to have you back, Joma. All right, so can
Speaker 1: you help.
Speaker 4: Me out analyzing private dick for humor potential? Please check
Speaker 4: back later.
Speaker 3: Hello, any went home?
Speaker 1: Ah ha?
Speaker 3: Hi?
Speaker 1: What were you saying.
Speaker 3: You're gonna regret not studying?
Speaker 1: Who said I didn't study? I've been deep in research mode.
Speaker 3: Have a look porn? How is that studying?
Speaker 1: It's not just any porn Mateo's threesome porn?
Speaker 3: Is this medieval freesome porn?
Speaker 1: Heck? Yah, I think it's like a king Arthur Lancelot
Speaker 1: Merlin thing.
Speaker 8: I've brought kings twice your size to their knees offer,
Speaker 8: and I shall do it.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 1: All Yon Nagels good shit, right and perfect research for
Speaker 1: tonight's carnal tryad. Okay, here we go. Fifteen second recap.
Speaker 1: I've been trying to question the bell boy from the
Speaker 1: lead the lodge motel turned apartments, but per our metal chats,
Speaker 1: he's only looking for threesomes. But then Matteo said he'd
Speaker 1: be willing to be the third, even though I just
Speaker 1: threatened him with broken glass and anyway, that night I
Speaker 1: DMed bellboy, hey, you still looking for a three way?
Speaker 4: And he said sure, you got someone in mind?
Speaker 1: And I said sure, do. When are you free? So
Speaker 1: he said Thursday, And I said, well, I guess we'll
Speaker 1: all go to the grave, wondering what I said next,
Speaker 1: You dare test me, foul wizard past thou bull witness
Speaker 1: to my heaving meat sword excalibur.
Speaker 2: Heed my warning, lest I make the mice.
Speaker 7: Wild about the threesome thing. The more I think about it,
Speaker 7: the more unlikely. It seems that the bell boy is
Speaker 7: somehow connected to some system appearance and or your stalker.
Speaker 1: Hey, do you want to borrow my fuzzy socks real quick?
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 5: No?
Speaker 3: Why?
Speaker 7: No?
Speaker 1: I thought they might help with with your cold.
Speaker 4: Feet calculating cold feet joke score seventy one percent sick.
Speaker 1: I tell you, I'm so sorry. That wasn't nice. I
Speaker 1: just like genuinely wonder if I have impulse control issues sometimes, Oh,
Speaker 1: are you mad?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 7: I wish you wouldn't always use humor to deflect difficult conversations.
Speaker 1: It's not the first time I've heard that, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure it won't be the last. Santy felt similarly. And
Speaker 1: I know that when multiple people give you the same feedback,
Speaker 1: you should take it to heart. But honestly, I find
Speaker 1: that critique annoying. And choose to remain indignant, Like if
Speaker 1: I wasn't born so naturally funny and personable, I would
Speaker 1: just have found a different way to deflect. Okay, ignoring that,
Speaker 1: so you're not confident that bell Boy is a worthy
Speaker 1: candidate to be my stalker, and let me put your
Speaker 1: a little heart at ease. Exhibit A. Bell Boy was
Speaker 1: at the hotel the night Santy went missing. Exhibit B.
Speaker 1: After the motel, his place of employment, was turned into
Speaker 1: an apartment complex, the bell Boy became a resident there.
Speaker 9: So what hotel employees probably got a discounted rate. Besides,
Speaker 9: your stalker had a Crosswick bad midten hoodie, meaning they're
Speaker 9: likely a Crosswick student or alum. If bell Boy is
Speaker 9: the stalker when you have recognized him from school, I.
Speaker 1: Mean, I think you overestimate how many people here I
Speaker 1: actually know. Anyway, Exhibit C. Twice now twice has bell
Speaker 1: Boy asked if I've tried the hookup?
Speaker 3: Okay, case closed.
Speaker 1: That's suspicious. I mean, I mean, what if the hookup
Speaker 1: is the code name for some secret new drug and
Speaker 1: then Santy found out about it and then he got silenced. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, Hey, if you don't want to go through
Speaker 1: with this. That is totally fine. Really, there's no pressure,
Speaker 1: I promise.
Speaker 3: I appreciate that. But no, it's fine. I'm just psyching
Speaker 3: myself out. Can we at least get dinner.
Speaker 1: First dinner, before our first threesome? I mean, obviously, should
Speaker 1: we invite the other guy too quick?
Speaker 3: We must consummate the triad of ex caliber, whilst the
Speaker 3: nights of the round table their witness. Can we turn
Speaker 3: that off?
Speaker 1: You don't want to know how they consummate the triad
Speaker 1: of ex caliber.
Speaker 7: I'm more focused than the triad of Ludlow Hills right now.
Speaker 7: Anything else you can tell me about this bellboy guy
Speaker 7: an exhibit D.
Speaker 4: I'll show him my Exhibit D joke score below ten
Speaker 4: percent initiating forced sleep protocol.
Speaker 1: Hey, that's not fair. I didn't even say it out loud.
Speaker 3: This is the Ludlow Lodge.
Speaker 1: Yeah, home to some of my favorite life altering tragedies.
Speaker 3: And it was just renovated this past summer. It looks io.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think renovation with a very soft r. The
Speaker 1: only real addition they made was the pool.
Speaker 3: Their pools new.
Speaker 5: M hmm.
Speaker 7: I was just thinking that kind of wet cement construction
Speaker 7: could make.
Speaker 3: For easy body disposal, especially for someone with.
Speaker 7: Easy access like a bell boy. Oh oh shit, I
Speaker 7: didn't mean that Santhia's body would need disposing of. I'm
Speaker 7: sure the only thing under that pool is the Native
Speaker 7: American burial grounds.
Speaker 3: We with this albatross hospitality? Yeah, yeah, cheer up, boyo?
Speaker 1: What did you just call me?
Speaker 5: Boyo?
Speaker 1: Where'd you hear that.
Speaker 3: From?
Speaker 1: You?
Speaker 3: You called me that the other day?
Speaker 1: Did I? I guess it's possible.
Speaker 3: Here we are, Room three ten.
Speaker 1: Take this is this mace? You brought mace to our threesome?
Speaker 3: Duh?
Speaker 7: You suspected this guy might be your stalker and you
Speaker 7: didn't bring any protection?
Speaker 1: Well, I mean I brought m never mind.
Speaker 3: Wow, you were just about to make a condom joke,
Speaker 3: were you?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 1: What if I was, I'd be making a Spanish inquisition
Speaker 1: joke right now too, if I wasn't afraid it might
Speaker 1: be offensive.
Speaker 3: What I'm not Spanish?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's why it would be offensive.
Speaker 7: We're walking into total uncertainty. But I'm glad you're having fun.
Speaker 1: Oh great? So is this the Damien uses jokes to
Speaker 1: deflect from opening up and being vulnerable. Bit again, your
Speaker 1: words not mine? But yes, hey, Damien, hold on bell Boy.
Speaker 1: That is so unfair, Mateo, How can you accuse me
Speaker 1: of not opening up to you when you're literally the
Speaker 1: only person I've told about sansum about my situation.
Speaker 3: Because as far as I know, you only told me
Speaker 3: so I join you in this.
Speaker 1: Three okay, Hi, sorry about that. I was just enjoying
Speaker 1: some beguiling repartee with my friend Mateo, fire, come on in.
Speaker 1: Unlike my chiropractor friend fake Tal, who lives just a
Speaker 1: few floors up, bell Boy has done next nothing to
Speaker 1: turn this hotel room into an apartment. He even kept
Speaker 1: all the nautical hotel art. Yeah. Can I get you
Speaker 1: boys a drink? Sure?
Speaker 3: Yeah? No thanks. I like to keep my wits about me,
Speaker 3: all right.
Speaker 1: A beer for Damien and some wits for Matthew m
Speaker 1: he could use some wit, all right.
Speaker 3: So is this be legid or part of some like
Speaker 3: role play thing?
Speaker 7: The only roleplay Damien likes involves medieval times.
Speaker 8: And mad respect little man. I think you'll appreciate these
Speaker 8: then boom medieval weapons, print boxer breeves pretty fire right.
Speaker 1: Be still my throbbing. All that studying is about to
Speaker 1: pay off. They're magnificent. Fuck well, I mean you must
Speaker 1: be a real weapons expert. I wonder, though, are you
Speaker 1: trained in the art of the shoust?
Speaker 8: I will have you off your horse and on your
Speaker 8: back before you can say malonde.
Speaker 3: So uh, yeah, how long have you lived here?
Speaker 1: Mattyo's right, can't lose sight of the investigation?
Speaker 3: What uh since the summer?
Speaker 1: I don't, I guess. And this was a hotel before that, right? Yeah?
Speaker 3: I actually worked as a.
Speaker 8: Bell boy here when it was brought out to become apartments.
Speaker 8: They offered me discounted rent if I stayed on working maintenance.
Speaker 1: So yeah, Mateo flashes me, and I told you so.
Speaker 1: Glance and honestly that's fair.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what's with all the questions? Shit, wait a minute,
Speaker 3: I know who you are.
Speaker 1: Who I am? I don't even know who I am? Still,
Speaker 1: I don't want him recognizing me From the night Santy
Speaker 1: disappeared behind bell boy. I catch Mateo slowly reaching for
Speaker 1: his mace.
Speaker 3: You're the guy I ran into last week out in
Speaker 3: the hallway.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, was that you? Small world? I brought condoms?
Speaker 1: Should we use them? I mean that would be the idea.
Speaker 1: I'm not on prep right now.
Speaker 6: Or should we keep it a secret? What it could
Speaker 6: be an experiment. You don't know who's wearing one and
Speaker 6: who's not. Why would we do that Schrodinger's rubber, It'll
Speaker 6: be like we're protected and.
Speaker 1: Bareback followed I'm sure by Schrodinger's burning sensation, well peeing, uh.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, thank you? Yeah, maybe next time?
Speaker 1: Hey, can you two hold down the fort for a sec?
Speaker 1: I have to use the en suite.
Speaker 8: Yeah, watch out for the lamp cord.
Speaker 1: Okay, if I was a clue, where would I be?
Speaker 1: I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for at
Speaker 1: this point. I mean, Bell Boys seems pretty innocuous, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure Mateo would have said something if he recognized
Speaker 1: him from the badminton team. Also, I do acknowledge my
Speaker 1: compulsion to criticize other people's homes, but this bathroom is
Speaker 1: heinously nautical. They're literal starfish on the wall, farfish. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's see toothpaste, Boss Carling wand oh cordless, Hi tech,
Speaker 1: Hey Joma, any progress on the private Dick joke?
Speaker 4: Joe's still invaded dead things. Please check back later.
Speaker 1: Sweet. I'm pretty much ready to declare this lead at
Speaker 1: dead end, but there's one more thing about Bell Boy.
Speaker 1: I want to check off the hookup? What is that?
Speaker 3: Which I didn't even know was possible.
Speaker 8: I thought syphilis was mythical like camel up.
Speaker 1: Hey, bell boy, who's up?
Speaker 3: Little squire.
Speaker 1: On metal? You said you have the hook up? Do
Speaker 1: you think I could get hooked up higher?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: I thought you'd never ask. Okay, we're it up with.
Speaker 1: Here we go and there it is the hookup.
Speaker 3: Poppers, Oh, poppers?
Speaker 8: Yeah, but I mean these aren't just in me poppers
Speaker 8: and this is the hook up?
Speaker 2: Oh fuck?
Speaker 1: Ellboy throws his head back, his face suddenly all red
Speaker 1: and flush, and the veins all over his body start
Speaker 1: to literally like pulse. I lock eyes with Potato as
Speaker 1: if to say, is that what poppers normally do? He
Speaker 1: shakes his head and widens his eyes and concern, as
Speaker 1: if to say, not like this.
Speaker 8: Oh man, Oh, it's like drinking from the Holy Grail.
Speaker 8: Here you guys drive dry before my rush words off.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, we're okay, thanks for real.
Speaker 8: Come on, it'll make fool like the best sex you
Speaker 8: ever have.
Speaker 1: Right, it's just having the best sex of my life
Speaker 1: at twenty seems like I'm setting myself up for a
Speaker 1: lot of future disappointments. How fuck does that sound? Was that?
Speaker 1: Let us his neck?
Speaker 3: Don't be a web. Take a fucking web.
Speaker 1: God, you are going to regret that. Hell boys either
Speaker 1: are bleeding now, like in a really not good way,
Speaker 1: but they're still wide open, like completely unfazed.
Speaker 3: Amien, watch the lamp cordmen.
Speaker 5: Damien, Damien, Damien.
Speaker 4: You hit your head. You've been out for six minutes.
Speaker 4: Lasting brain damage will be significant, but you like we
Speaker 4: won't notice the difference.
Speaker 1: Why am I in the bathroom? Why am I tied
Speaker 1: up in the bathroom?
Speaker 4: I believe you're a sailant wanted you momentarily and disposed
Speaker 4: so he could focus on Mateo.
Speaker 3: Just take away and I will let you go.
Speaker 1: Fuck Matteo, go Matyo. Well, okay, focus, How do I
Speaker 1: get out of this twine? Is like boy scout nodded, No,
Speaker 1: I'm getting that untied, but I think my hand can
Speaker 1: just barely reach the sink behind me. Uh toothpaste, dental flossy?
Speaker 1: What's this?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 1: Of course, the curling wand my own as caliber heating up.
Speaker 1: Come on, I need to be out of his bathroom.
Speaker 1: These goddamn starfish are mocking me, locked and loaded. Okay,
Speaker 1: if I can get the wand up against the big
Speaker 1: knob between my hands. I should be able to see
Speaker 1: her through the twine and get free. The only issue
Speaker 1: there is that my range of mobility is mind. I
Speaker 1: can't get the wand to touch the knob without also
Speaker 1: pressing into my wrists. Yeah, okay, Damien, be brave. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, fuck I can smell my flesh burning. This
Speaker 1: is so fucked up. Sho much distract me, tell.
Speaker 4: Me joke understood. The curling one isn't actually touching the
Speaker 4: twine and you're burning your arm for nothing, just kidding?
Speaker 3: Did I get it?
Speaker 1: Don't look at it. Don't look at it, don't look
Speaker 1: at your Holy fuck, I can see bone, Jamien, you
Speaker 1: starfish coming with me?
Speaker 2: Just an alex, your tight.
Speaker 1: D don't bother. We are checking out.
Speaker 3: What wait?
Speaker 1: How did you slam bellboy from behind the honey and
Speaker 1: he gets an ugly wallpaper sliding the starfish out of
Speaker 1: my pocket with my free hand. My experience at the
Speaker 1: Ludlow Lodge this evening has sucked ass, and for that
Speaker 1: I give you one.
Speaker 4: Star, calculating one star joke score plus ten percent for
Speaker 4: the hotel reference, plus ten percent for the starfish stabbing
Speaker 4: one star connection.
Speaker 1: Joema, you don't have to explain my joke. Now it's
Speaker 1: like a thing and the moment is gone and it's
Speaker 1: like uncool. But what's the score? Nine fire? Come on mateyo,
Speaker 1: we have to go get up. Come on, I got you?
Speaker 3: Oh my head.
Speaker 1: Hey no, don't worry. Beat red and veiny is gonna
Speaker 1: be a very good look on you.
Speaker 5: He was right?
Speaker 3: What when he said the hookup was like drinking from
Speaker 3: the Holy Grail?
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, let's get back to campus. I don't get it.
Speaker 1: Why didn't you turn into a rage monster?
Speaker 3: I don't know. Maybe Bell Boys Hoopers was unrelated to
Speaker 3: the hookup.
Speaker 1: So then the hookup is just normal poppers?
Speaker 3: Then no, no, they're not normal poppers. I don't even
Speaker 3: know how to describe it. When I inhaled the hookup,
Speaker 3: it was like nothing I've ever felt. I was unbreakable,
Speaker 3: and my lust to test that power was insatial.
Speaker 1: Sorry, that was just for the before everything went wrong
Speaker 1: segment of your intervention episode. Oh and don't even start
Speaker 1: with the using humor to deflect nonsense. I almost seared
Speaker 1: my arm off today saving you.
Speaker 3: Oh come on, okay, your arm's not that bad.
Speaker 1: He's actually kind of right. I may have exaggerated earlier
Speaker 1: when I said I could see bone.
Speaker 7: Besides, I was only in danger because of your stupid
Speaker 7: threesome in the first place.
Speaker 1: I said you didn't have to go through with it, Mateo.
Speaker 1: You had a choice.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, two great choices.
Speaker 7: Put my life in danger or spend all night thinking
Speaker 7: about the guy I like sleeping with someone else.
Speaker 3: I didn't know you still had metal on your phone.
Speaker 4: Fuck, I'm mateyo, Damien, the private dick joke is ready?
Speaker 1: What you've been working on that all this time?
Speaker 4: Can I wait negative for a maximum jokes for it?
Speaker 4: It must be deployed now.
Speaker 1: This is bad, way bad. Like I know this is
Speaker 1: a moment where I'm supposed to reassure Mateo and gently
Speaker 1: remind him that we're not dating or exclusive, and yet
Speaker 1: I just can't resist.
Speaker 4: It's requesting permission to deploy joke.
Speaker 1: I'll fuck it deploy. There's a lot you don't know
Speaker 1: about me, Mateo. I guess you could say I'm something
Speaker 1: of a private dick. Are you kidding me? Joma, that's
Speaker 1: the joke you've been working on all day? I just
Speaker 1: fire bombed my relationship with Matteo for that.
Speaker 4: Perhaps you don't understand you're private because you don't open
Speaker 4: up a lot.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Joma, don't explain your jokes ever, Miteo. Fuck,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I don't know why I said that.
Speaker 1: It's that thing.
Speaker 3: I just forget it, Damien, just forget about it. I
Speaker 3: can take a hint.
Speaker 7: I'm a smart guy. I helped you with your little
Speaker 7: threesome question. Now you're done with me.
Speaker 4: Perhaps a joke would lighten the mood, Joma, power down.
Speaker 1: I don't get why you're acting like that, Like, if
Speaker 1: you have an issue with my sense of humor, why
Speaker 1: are you even hanging out.
Speaker 3: With me for other reasons? Damien. God, people aren't friends
Speaker 3: with you because of your jokes. They're friends with you
Speaker 3: in spite of them.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, then why are people friends with me, Matteo.
Speaker 3: I don't actually think they are.
Speaker 1: Hold up, what's that.
Speaker 3: In the drawer? This photo strip?
Speaker 1: Hm? Oh yeah, I forgot that was in there. It's
Speaker 1: from a photo booth at this lame pop up bar.
Speaker 1: I went to a son with Santy.
Speaker 3: He looks just like me.
Speaker 7: Well fuck.
Speaker 1: Written and directed by Noah Feinberg.
Speaker 5: That's Me.
Speaker 1: Sound design and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman. Starring Noah Feinberg's
Speaker 1: Me as Damian Ray Santiago as Santy and Matteo, Nico
Speaker 1: Greatham as Wade, Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as
Speaker 1: Big Talk, Jeffrey Self as Bell Boy, Tina Majorino as
Speaker 1: Doctor Wiley, Obi Abiley as PM, Peter Gabriel Ruiz as Joma,
Speaker 1: Sadie Dickinson as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey,
Speaker 1: Susan C. Bennett, Verona, blue Mark Bramhall, Bryan Daniel Porter,
Speaker 1: Chris Dickey, Aaron Cooker, Christopher Corbin, Kiff, Vanden Hoavel and
Speaker 1: Rhys Griffin. Opening theme by Alex Yoder, Casting director Sonny
Speaker 1: Bowling and Meg Mormon. Executive producers from iHeart, Trevor Young
Speaker 1: and Matt Frederick. Executive producers from Blumbhouse, Chris Sticky and
Speaker 1: Noah Feinberg. That's Me. Executive producers from Mber twenty David
Speaker 1: Thwaites and Jimmy Jellina. Supervising producer Rachel Foley, Editor Noah Feinberg,
Speaker 1: That's Me,