Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Nick Here's Nikki. Hello here, I
Speaker 1: am welcome to the show, The Nicky Glazer Podcast, starting
Speaker 1: week Got Fresh. It's Tuesday, guys, welcome to the show.
Speaker 1: On your marinas here gorgeous lipstick on? Is that a
Speaker 1: new color one? Hyper? I saw you had some new
Speaker 1: lipstick ease on Tournay's Weekend. How do you put them out?
Speaker 1: Do you order them online? Do you go desperation? Right?
Speaker 1: But like where do you go? Like? How do you
Speaker 1: know crying are hard to um? You just show crying
Speaker 1: on a Sephora Believe it or not. These are hand
Speaker 1: me downs from Kate Walsh. I just get stuff from
Speaker 1: my celebrity friends. I have to you and Kate, when
Speaker 1: did she um like give that? Like? Were you just
Speaker 1: over at her house and she's like, here's my lipstick
Speaker 1: straw grow She's like, I got sent all this ship
Speaker 1: do you want it? And she gave me a huge
Speaker 1: box of stuff which I have made last I think
Speaker 1: three and a half years, but I got hooked on
Speaker 1: this one. It's Anastasia and it's soft pink. People ask
Speaker 1: me about this all the time. I'm not one of
Speaker 1: those girls. Actually, I am one of those girls that
Speaker 1: hates giving my secrets away. But I'm telling you now
Speaker 1: because I want this is the best lipstick soft pink
Speaker 1: secrets away. That's why I never trust people who give
Speaker 1: their secrets away, because it's not really their secret unless
Speaker 1: it's me telling you the plant squalling, ordinary, plant squally.
Speaker 1: Do not buy it on Amazon. Do not. I made
Speaker 1: the mistake this weekend rumors that buying skincare on Amazon
Speaker 1: you get sometimes they have the bottles, but then they'll
Speaker 1: put different stuff in it that's cheap. But I only
Speaker 1: thought that would be for high end products. You know,
Speaker 1: your drunk elephants, your or e bays. I don't know
Speaker 1: whatever the funk is, like over twenty dollars for a
Speaker 1: thing mine seven fifty for a little thing five dollars before.
Speaker 1: I don't even know why I went to Amazon. I
Speaker 1: paid ten. It was in a bundle, and I paid
Speaker 1: twenty for it, so I go, oh, it's more it arrives.
Speaker 1: I've been using this stuff for over five years. I
Speaker 1: know what the consistency is, and this was gelatinous and
Speaker 1: the real consistency is more water. And I'm like, I
Speaker 1: got screwed, So do not buy your skincare on Amazon.
Speaker 1: Do not buy your skincare on Amazon. Do not buy
Speaker 1: your skincare on Amazon. They are repackaging it with cheaper shit.
Speaker 1: And it's like, and you think that why would they
Speaker 1: do that for a five dollar thing? How much more
Speaker 1: money could they save by it's five dollars, But they do,
Speaker 1: And I wrote an angry review. It's the first review
Speaker 1: I've ever written on Amazon or anything, because people, did
Speaker 1: you say, I just said this product. I've heard rumors
Speaker 1: of this happening, and this is a percent happening because
Speaker 1: I've used this product forever. The packaging is exactly the same,
Speaker 1: down to the cardboard box. The little thing comes in,
Speaker 1: but inside it is not the product. And it made
Speaker 1: me mad because this is my number one product. And
Speaker 1: I just imagine someone has the chance to find this
Speaker 1: project product and it for to change of life the
Speaker 1: way it did me. And if I would have brought
Speaker 1: bought this product for the first time from Amazon, I
Speaker 1: would never use it again, and I would still be
Speaker 1: wearing night creams that are eighty dollars that don't absorb anything.
Speaker 1: And this is five It's changed my life. So do
Speaker 1: not buy it from Amazon, and buy it from Sephora.
Speaker 1: It's super cheap. Again, it's the ordinary plant squalling. The
Speaker 1: ordinary is the best skin care stuff. It's clean, it's cheap,
Speaker 1: and it's simple. Um, I just love it. But yeah,
Speaker 1: that and then Anastasia light Rose, What the hell is
Speaker 1: soft pink? And it's Matt Yeah. Well, your your ideal
Speaker 1: shade for your lips is the color of your nipple.
Speaker 1: Now I'm guessing yours are like translucent, a little like pink. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because we have the same kind of skin tone. I
Speaker 1: guess I've never seen so many times I thought years
Speaker 1: are perfect and kind of like a brownie thing. They
Speaker 1: can't be brown sometimes, but then when they're like not,
Speaker 1: they're like more pink. Like when they're harder, they get
Speaker 1: brown because they condense. They can hear this, they do
Speaker 1: the skin condenses. I bet men's balls do the same
Speaker 1: thing when you're cold and it contracts your ball or
Speaker 1: gets probably darker. Um. Almost, like I just gonna say
Speaker 1: about tits. You want to say that, Um to toot
Speaker 1: my own tits. I was doing a I can't do
Speaker 1: it that was on his voice. By the way, due
Speaker 1: left it. Here's the right one. That's so good. That's
Speaker 1: so good. My stylist Danny and Emma. They do a
Speaker 1: lot of celebrities. And the other day when we were
Speaker 1: fitting for the Critic's Choice Awards and Chris was there,
Speaker 1: they did me a favorite. I don't even know they
Speaker 1: did it because Chris was there, but they were like,
Speaker 1: because my tips were like falling out of this one dress,
Speaker 1: I like bent over and they just both came out
Speaker 1: and like, guys, this isn't gonna work. I was like
Speaker 1: fastening my shoe and they both came out and I
Speaker 1: came back up and I'm like, they're both out. Like
Speaker 1: it was like I was like a woman in a
Speaker 1: tribe who was like feeding her child, you know, when
Speaker 1: the kid just like takes it to that, Like it
Speaker 1: was so that it was address made for that and
Speaker 1: so um when they Emma was like somewhere one of
Speaker 1: my friends just asked me recently, who of all our
Speaker 1: clients is the best boobs And I was hands down
Speaker 1: you And I was like, are you serious? Like she
Speaker 1: was like that is so she. I was like that,
Speaker 1: I don't even care if I want to quit Critic's
Speaker 1: Choice Awards. You've seen so many famous they Jessica help
Speaker 1: us tits, you know, I don't know if she saw it,
Speaker 1: because that day they had to brock paper centers because
Speaker 1: they either had to work with me or Jessica Albas,
Speaker 1: so one of them had to take each of them.
Speaker 1: And I gotta be honest, they were hoping to get
Speaker 1: me because I'm a good hang and they didn't know
Speaker 1: Alba ended up being great, but they were like, she
Speaker 1: could be fucking hard to deal with because guess what,
Speaker 1: most celebrities are not that pleasant of people. The higher
Speaker 1: up you go, you're kind of an asshole. I'm just
Speaker 1: tired of it, tired of hearing stories about successful people
Speaker 1: being jerks, beloved people that you love. It's not just Ellen.
Speaker 1: This is the thing, Like, there's so many more Ellen's
Speaker 1: people that you love who are just genuinely mean to
Speaker 1: people all the time. What they're famous and what did
Speaker 1: you say? And you hear it. You hear the real
Speaker 1: deal from the style from trainers, you hear it from stylists,
Speaker 1: you hear it from drivers. This is makeup artists. They're
Speaker 1: all talking. A lot of them are like, you know,
Speaker 1: really diplomatic about it, but you ask around and you know,
Speaker 1: you know who's country and you know what going dem
Speaker 1: want you'll find out there too. You'll find out I
Speaker 1: eat a dry salad with lots of pepper, but you
Speaker 1: won't hear I'm a cunt. And if you do, I'm
Speaker 1: telling you they had it coming because I don't treat
Speaker 1: people cruelly, especially people who are waiting on me and
Speaker 1: doing jobs for me, getting paid less to do so
Speaker 1: much more hard work than me just sitting there and
Speaker 1: memorizing some lines. It's just insane to me that um
Speaker 1: that actor that ever actors are talent talent. The word
Speaker 1: talent just needs to get out of the fucking door.
Speaker 1: That's what we're referred to on set, talents coming through
Speaker 1: talent walking and I'm like, easy, I'm hosting f Boy Island.
Speaker 1: It doesn't take that much mediocrity coming through luck, coming
Speaker 1: through her parents for five years when most people's parents
Speaker 1: would have pulled out. Otherwise she would be, you know,
Speaker 1: working out the middle school right now, coming through that's
Speaker 1: what they should do, like all your former credits, former
Speaker 1: substitute teacher. And it's just the talent. It just makes
Speaker 1: you walk in a room like, oh my god, who
Speaker 1: am I? And yeah, you need to have a little confidence.
Speaker 1: I recently told Chris, I'm not staying at an Airbnb
Speaker 1: in l A. When we go out there, that is
Speaker 1: a place where of an affordable place, I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1: I had a good year. I want to be somewhere
Speaker 1: that makes me feel nice. I want to be in luxury.
Speaker 1: It sucks that to have a nice place an it's
Speaker 1: like eight hundred dollars a fucking night. And I know
Speaker 1: that that is horrifying to some people, and they're like, Nikki,
Speaker 1: you're you couldn't be more out of touch. I know,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to feel like I'm roughing it
Speaker 1: anymore because it really depresses me. And even if like
Speaker 1: like we said, in a really nice place, but it
Speaker 1: was so expensive, but it was not super nice, but
Speaker 1: it was so expensive in Santa Monica, you like on
Speaker 1: like a homeless encampment. It's like, you know, you gotta
Speaker 1: pay up. What what do you like to have? Like
Speaker 1: what is it? Because you said that it doesn't make
Speaker 1: you feel good? Walls, nice decor, tasteful, like space clean, textured.
Speaker 1: She wants textured wall, my friend, Sea, I want I
Speaker 1: want things to be nice. I don't want pictures of
Speaker 1: like you know that you got it um home good
Speaker 1: home goods of like a beach setting. I don't care
Speaker 1: what it is, but I just want some taste and
Speaker 1: I want I want space, and I want to not
Speaker 1: be I want to be able to sing really loud
Speaker 1: and not have the name first complain. I want that,
Speaker 1: and I want I just want to feel like a
Speaker 1: little bit special sex. No, we're not having sex right now,
Speaker 1: are you kidding me? We're both so busy. This is
Speaker 1: not it's not happening. I just need to whale Taylor
Speaker 1: Soft songs about how not having sex. No, I am
Speaker 1: set to fine, don't you worry about it? But um no,
Speaker 1: it's not. We're not having screaming sex anymore. I have
Speaker 1: to remember I was on just Thing for the new
Speaker 1: Soft franchise. Is one of the torture scenes. Um no,
Speaker 1: it's I just want. I just want to feel nice.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing that's my like out of touch
Speaker 1: celebrity thing. It's like Nikki needs to stay a place
Speaker 1: that's a thousand dollars a night or whatever the hell
Speaker 1: it's going to cost. But you know what I don't
Speaker 1: need is to treat people badly to make myself feel better.
Speaker 1: And that's what most celebrities do, and they're staying at
Speaker 1: night place nice places. So before you roll your eyes
Speaker 1: at me, which I would too, and be like, you
Speaker 1: really need to stay in a nice place at least
Speaker 1: so I don't want to make people feel bad about
Speaker 1: themselves all the time like so many celebrities do. It's
Speaker 1: kind of gross. You don't even want because then you
Speaker 1: have to be friends with these people because they're at
Speaker 1: the top, and you have to act like you get
Speaker 1: invited to the things they go to, and you have
Speaker 1: to like schmooze with them, and then you like, are
Speaker 1: friends with assholes. I don't know. I don't know where
Speaker 1: you draw the line where you're like, I don't really
Speaker 1: want to be friends with you guys, but it would
Speaker 1: help my career and then maybe I could get more
Speaker 1: information to ruin you someday when you die and I
Speaker 1: write a tell all. That's why I love Kathy Griffin
Speaker 1: No holds. Like, I've been posting this woman who does
Speaker 1: dubs over celebrities. Her name is Simon, Simon Tina or something.
Speaker 1: I was watching videos today, How good are they? The
Speaker 1: Gwyneth the one I post? I was like, I only
Speaker 1: post Gwyneth when she's being mocked because get her off
Speaker 1: your screen. If you were following Goop or Gwyneth, do yourself.
Speaker 1: This is like we should do goopless January. You know
Speaker 1: how people are, See how it feels to get Gwyneth
Speaker 1: and all of that bullshit. Any influencer who has a
Speaker 1: green juice, perfect life, get him off your feed and
Speaker 1: see how you feel. Drink as much as you want.
Speaker 1: Drink alcohol all you want, January, use drugs. Get those
Speaker 1: people off your feed where you don't see them every day,
Speaker 1: and see how it makes you feel. Because it does
Speaker 1: feel great. The second I took gwynethan Goop off my feed,
Speaker 1: I don't have to deal with that ship anymore. And
Speaker 1: you don't see it. You're not comparing yourself. Maybe you
Speaker 1: guys have less of a problem with it than I do,
Speaker 1: but I can't handle it. I don't. Is her name, yes,
Speaker 1: Lisa Timmins. She's so funny. She makes she's me with us,
Speaker 1: like writing like she feels the same way about celebrities
Speaker 1: I do, except she had one about her and I
Speaker 1: was like easy, she back away, you back off. Pitch
Speaker 1: the things about j Lo applying Bronzer. Oh a little
Speaker 1: melanine is really great, but just the right amount, not
Speaker 1: too much because I want a career. But the one
Speaker 1: with Viola Davis Fiola talking to everyone about all these
Speaker 1: white people about NEPO babies. No, she's talking about just
Speaker 1: black people in film and being like it's just so good.
Speaker 1: She's so this woman is so good. So yeah, what's
Speaker 1: his name again? Lisa Timmins. Lisa Timmins t I M
Speaker 1: M O N s uh so check her stuff out.
Speaker 1: My nose is bleeding today, what because I just washed
Speaker 1: my face and I forgot to take off my pinky ring.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I think I'm in the mob
Speaker 1: or something why I have a pinking ring. But my
Speaker 1: sister bought me like a really expensive, like pair of
Speaker 1: pants at this um, what's it called thrift store in
Speaker 1: Saint Luniz is really cool thrift store. And they were
Speaker 1: like gold and they're really cool to wear on stage
Speaker 1: and she was like, they fit me, so they'll probably
Speaker 1: fit you. Did not fit me, embarrassing whatever, So I
Speaker 1: returned them and this store had nothing I wanted. I mean,
Speaker 1: my sister was like, you wait, do you get in
Speaker 1: the store every You'll want everything? And I'm like, why
Speaker 1: do you want to dress like a sister wife, like,
Speaker 1: I don't get what's going on. Really, it was all
Speaker 1: like Laura Ashley stuff. No, it was just it just
Speaker 1: wasn't my style. I like my sister and I just
Speaker 1: differ in that way. But I found this little gold
Speaker 1: ring that has a um, a J or a P.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it has as a signett but
Speaker 1: it fits only on my pinkie and it hooked today
Speaker 1: when I was washing my nose, on my nose and
Speaker 1: ripped the cartilage like horribly and so on my nose outside,
Speaker 1: my nostrils bleeding pretty bad. Um. It made me feel
Speaker 1: alive because it hurts. So sometimes you know when you
Speaker 1: hurt yourself, you bang your head and there's no blood
Speaker 1: and you're like, come on, give me something. I just
Speaker 1: suffered so much, no one's gonna be able to tell
Speaker 1: that this was actually painful. I love a little blood.
Speaker 1: It's a perfect amount. It looks like a little dot
Speaker 1: like I almost have a piercing there. But I felt
Speaker 1: like that when I slipped and fell on black ice
Speaker 1: in Kalamazoo leaving the hotel room, and I felt like
Speaker 1: like an animated character slipping and falling. I was like
Speaker 1: and then like landed on my back and then this
Speaker 1: Pellegrino bottle I watched it in slow motion. It fell
Speaker 1: and then it just shattered all around me. And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I hope I have some kind of
Speaker 1: cool wound for how much pain and feeling on my
Speaker 1: hand And there's nothing. It was just like I skinned
Speaker 1: my hand but you couldn't see anything. Yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: there's like an indent of gravel, but that's it. And
Speaker 1: you're just like it looks like you were just sleeping
Speaker 1: on some gravel and the people are just like, I
Speaker 1: don't have any sympathy for you unless it's bleeding, like
Speaker 1: you need blood to get that simp Um. We were
Speaker 1: in Kalamazoo. We were in Juliet, Illinois, like depressing like
Speaker 1: Midwest cities cold. I say that as being from a
Speaker 1: depressing Midwest city cold St. Louis. So I'm only I'm
Speaker 1: throwing rocks in my cold glass house. I understand that. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, we stayed in like kind of shitty hotels
Speaker 1: because there's like no nice hotel. There was a nice
Speaker 1: hotel in Calamazoo. I guess it was really too expensive.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, if it were just me on
Speaker 1: the road, I'd be staying nice places, but you gotta
Speaker 1: put up you know, for us, it's just two rooms,
Speaker 1: so maybe we should bump it up. Anyway. We stayed
Speaker 1: at like places that I would have stayed when I
Speaker 1: was like working in honky Tonks and just like it's fine.
Speaker 1: I'm just I don't like when I was literally I
Speaker 1: went to Kalamazoo and probably two thousand five and worked
Speaker 1: at something like sports bar, and then they put you
Speaker 1: at the Super eight across and now that's Super eight
Speaker 1: is now a home to sweets and it's like a
Speaker 1: little bit. It was nice, things are clean, the staff
Speaker 1: was nice. One guy in Kalamazoo, the front desk knew me,
Speaker 1: which is always sweet. But he stayed stay Bridge Sweets. Yeah.
Speaker 1: In Kalamazoo's shout out to Zeke who worked for Death
Speaker 1: or whatever his name is. It was something like Zeke
Speaker 1: and he was a fan and he kept trying to
Speaker 1: get my attention and I was just not in the
Speaker 1: mood for it because there were lots of people in
Speaker 1: the lobby. I just didn't want to have a moment.
Speaker 1: I could tell his his comment was going to be inappropriate.
Speaker 1: I could tell but then I went to the gym
Speaker 1: and I forgot my key in the him, so I
Speaker 1: had to go to front desk to ask to get
Speaker 1: let back in the gym, and of course Zeke is
Speaker 1: there and he's like, lets me, and he goes and
Speaker 1: I'm on the phone with my fucking egg freezing doctor.
Speaker 1: As I'm doing it, he's talking to me and I'm like, sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm on the phone. I'm just gonna rush. I need
Speaker 1: to get a key. I'm sorry. I don't mean to
Speaker 1: be rude, but I'm on the phone. I'm muting the
Speaker 1: phone and then I'm mute and I'm like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: can do that. Um. So I started injections on this
Speaker 1: day and he's just like, I just have to tell you.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't have to just tell me anything.
Speaker 1: I just told you. I'm on the phone. It's your
Speaker 1: job to get me a key, let me back in
Speaker 1: the gym. I wasn't being rude at all. And then
Speaker 1: he has to stop me and say, I just need
Speaker 1: to say, did you bring a hastily packed suitcase? Which
Speaker 1: is a reference to my joke about my vagina, which
Speaker 1: is inappropriate. Zeeke, I know it, And I said, oh,
Speaker 1: that's a good because it's travel related hotel, but also
Speaker 1: like generous, don't don't talk about my vagina. I know
Speaker 1: I do, but why do you think you can? I
Speaker 1: got it, dude. I gotta tell you this quick thing
Speaker 1: about your clip. I'm a huge and you know, people
Speaker 1: bring me pictures of hastily back suitcases for me to sign.
Speaker 1: People reference hastically all the time. If you're mind tickets
Speaker 1: to my show, fine, say whatever you want to me.
Speaker 1: I just know that I am rolling my eyes and
Speaker 1: making fun of you behind your back because do better.
Speaker 1: But I do love. I mean, I met so many
Speaker 1: besties this weekend. They were all so sweet. They all
Speaker 1: are just like people I would hang out with. I
Speaker 1: there's none of that weirdness. There was one weird guy,
Speaker 1: really weird guy this weekend, and it was ironic because
Speaker 1: he was at a show where we had cops. I've
Speaker 1: started getting cops in my shows because I'm scared someone's
Speaker 1: gonna Christina grimmy me. Um. Look it up if you've
Speaker 1: never heard of it. It's the most horrifying thing ever.
Speaker 1: She is a girl that was on I Believe the Voice,
Speaker 1: and then she was at a mean greet and someone
Speaker 1: just come, came up and shot her point blank, a
Speaker 1: guy that was in love with her, and she had
Speaker 1: never even met him before, and he had for months
Speaker 1: been talking about her and telling people that it was
Speaker 1: his girlfriend and that they talked online. And he got
Speaker 1: hair transplant for her, he lost, he got a trainer,
Speaker 1: he got in shape, and then he didn't even try
Speaker 1: to like meet her. He just walked up to her
Speaker 1: and shot her. I'm like, why did you get a
Speaker 1: hair transplant? And then her brother immediately tackles him to
Speaker 1: the ground while his daughter, his sister is bleeding to
Speaker 1: death because she's got shot point blank in the chest
Speaker 1: and I think in the head. And then the guy
Speaker 1: struggles away and then shoots himself. So we never got
Speaker 1: any answers. Um. But I often times at meat and grades,
Speaker 1: men will come up to me with their hands in
Speaker 1: their pockets. Single men, solo men, which I don't have
Speaker 1: a problem with. In fact, I encourage people to go
Speaker 1: solo to my shows. But they walk up and they
Speaker 1: have their hand in the because they're nervous, and they
Speaker 1: look nervous. And guess what, you would be nervous. You
Speaker 1: would be nervous before you met someone you really cared about,
Speaker 1: and you would also be nervous before you killed someone
Speaker 1: you really care about. That would be a nervous guy.
Speaker 1: So the energy is the same. And so I honestly,
Speaker 1: probably five times in my career have braced myself to
Speaker 1: die where I go, this is it. You're about to
Speaker 1: die right now. And I'm sick of feeling that way.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna start having cops come just to like,
Speaker 1: at least shoot the guy. If he shoots me, They're
Speaker 1: not really gonna have a chance to tackle him before
Speaker 1: he just pulls out a gun and shoots me. I
Speaker 1: really don't have a preventative. I gotta start doing maybe
Speaker 1: metal detectors, lie detector tests, where people go do you
Speaker 1: have a gun? And a little man with a machine goes,
Speaker 1: he's not lying. Um. But this weekend, a guy comes
Speaker 1: up and these people come up before him and they're like,
Speaker 1: really sweet, take a picture, and they go get ready
Speaker 1: for the guy. And then next up and I go, oh,
Speaker 1: thanks for the warning. I could already tell this guy
Speaker 1: was causing trouble because I could. I'm just you know,
Speaker 1: you just sense your surroundings. And he comes up and
Speaker 1: he goes, they were no fun and I go why,
Speaker 1: and he was like, I goosed them. They didn't like it.
Speaker 1: I go, what do you mean you goosed them? He's
Speaker 1: like a goost him And I was like, you like,
Speaker 1: if you don't know what goose means, it means you
Speaker 1: like grab their butt like a goose would like a
Speaker 1: goose if it was biting you. Just she kind of
Speaker 1: like honk hong kong. You know it's to a vagina,
Speaker 1: it's to a butt. I knew about goosing because in
Speaker 1: the nineties my aunt got goosed. She was at Ace
Speaker 1: Hardware picking up something for my grandma and we were
Speaker 1: all at the house and she came back and she
Speaker 1: was like, I got ghost and we were all laughing
Speaker 1: because we had never heard of it. Everyone's just like
Speaker 1: I look back on it and I'm like, so sorry,
Speaker 1: Aunt Nancy that we all laughed that you got goose
Speaker 1: because everyone didn't know what that was. And then you
Speaker 1: told us what it was and we still laughed. I
Speaker 1: will say I was in fourth grade, so I was
Speaker 1: allowed to still laugh because I didn't understand what sexual
Speaker 1: harassment was. But the rest of my family shame on you.
Speaker 1: And Nancy got goosed by a stranger at a at
Speaker 1: a fucking Ace hardware and this guy's goosing people in
Speaker 1: my line and I go, why are you goosing? He goes,
Speaker 1: can I goose you? And I go no, but you
Speaker 1: know what, you can ask me if you can goose me.
Speaker 1: Do that and he goes, I used to goose a
Speaker 1: lot of women back at the bars and the fucking
Speaker 1: I used to goose some all the time. And I go, why,
Speaker 1: I go, don't goose women. He goes, I I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't and I go, you promise me right now
Speaker 1: you will never goose another person. That is weird and
Speaker 1: he goes, I don't even go to bars. And I go,
Speaker 1: but you will go to a bar someday and you
Speaker 1: might pick up goosing again. And I go. All you
Speaker 1: have to do is ask ask if you can goose someone. Honestly,
Speaker 1: that is okay to me. Just ask for consent. And
Speaker 1: he was like okay, And it was just like I
Speaker 1: what the cops are right there. I'm like, get this guy,
Speaker 1: the guy that the goosing, the goosing man of Kalamazoo
Speaker 1: from who has probably multiple reports of goosing women. Broker,
Speaker 1: that's him, that's your guy. He just admitted to it
Speaker 1: in front of cops. It was wild. I've never heard
Speaker 1: of anything, but that's a that's my whole thing though.
Speaker 1: I goose like that's what I've known for. They called
Speaker 1: me the goose. He was with someone too, and I go,
Speaker 1: how can you let this guy out? Like get this
Speaker 1: guy out of here. It was just so wild to me,
Speaker 1: and it made me realize that like creeps don't even
Speaker 1: fucking know they're creeps. They're so stupid. They like they
Speaker 1: thought it was funny to goose people. Like I'm not
Speaker 1: saying not all creeps, no, but like some creeps get
Speaker 1: off from the fact that they are creeps and they
Speaker 1: like that part of it. But this guy like genuinely
Speaker 1: thought goosing was like a funput word for inappropriate touch
Speaker 1: unreal and he I'm so sorry to the people in
Speaker 1: front of me. I think he did it to the
Speaker 1: man and he said she was pissed like his girl
Speaker 1: from us and she had every right to be fuck
Speaker 1: you for goosen. So don't Why did guys goose each
Speaker 1: other's balls? I've seen this a lot, Like with guy friends.
Speaker 1: They're like, doesn't they get get dying for affection? They're
Speaker 1: trying to be always they do it as like a
Speaker 1: flicking gay way. So it's like not really touching because
Speaker 1: I would never dying, but I really want warmth and
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go for your scrown them because that way,
Speaker 1: no one will ever misconstrue that I'm actually seeking intimacy
Speaker 1: with my with fellow men. But that's really what I want.
Speaker 1: I want to touch someone, but I got to do
Speaker 1: it in a jokey way. We gotta go to break,
Speaker 1: will come back with more of my thoughts about um
Speaker 1: things that I don't know about and have really no
Speaker 1: degree for after Okay, Also, wait, there was another story
Speaker 1: that I was dying to tell about this weekend. I
Speaker 1: know I have on my list goosing Guy. Yeah, Goose
Speaker 1: and Guy was out of control. The shows were really fun.
Speaker 1: We had a good time. You had fun right, Oh
Speaker 1: my god, it was so fun. You were riffing on
Speaker 1: songs and Julia and it was like the first time
Speaker 1: I had seen you kind of just riffing and doing
Speaker 1: jokes in the middle of singing. I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: there's there's something happening here. It was really cool. It
Speaker 1: was fun. Yeah. I wanted to sing Anti Hero because
Speaker 1: that's the song I've been practicing with my voice coach,
Speaker 1: who um yeah, who was very encouraging and he helped
Speaker 1: me work. We worked on that song the other day
Speaker 1: and so it was like, oh, I guess in Kalamazoo.
Speaker 1: I was like, the sound is so good. I kind
Speaker 1: of want to just like sing an extra song because
Speaker 1: I sang one song with you, and then I was like,
Speaker 1: I want another one. Why are people calling me? My
Speaker 1: fucking front desk is calling me. Something's happening downstairs, a fire.
Speaker 1: I'm in trouble. Do you feel like you're in trouble
Speaker 1: everywhere you go? It's probably just like your protein bars arrived, ma'am.
Speaker 1: I always think a phone call means I'm in trouble.
Speaker 1: That's trouble. Yes, I almost got in trouble this weekend.
Speaker 1: I like smoked a little weed at my hotel him
Speaker 1: and uh Kalamazoo, because I was about to go work out.
Speaker 1: It's not like I'm smoking weed to be like, oh,
Speaker 1: just hang out there all day and sucking jerk off
Speaker 1: and watch anime I do it so I can get
Speaker 1: ship done. And I spent a little weed and then
Speaker 1: I left my and the place smells like an armpit. Anyway,
Speaker 1: weed is dressing up the place, and then this person
Speaker 1: like I could see that someone from the front desk
Speaker 1: like came and I was at the very far end
Speaker 1: of this place. I think they saw me blowing it
Speaker 1: out the window. That's how they knew. And then they
Speaker 1: came and they stood outside my door, and I had
Speaker 1: already left to go to the gym. So I passed
Speaker 1: this person who was going to reprimand me in the
Speaker 1: hall and then I waited and I was like, I
Speaker 1: bet they're going to my door. And then they just
Speaker 1: stand out on my door like angry, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: charge me the two fifty. I don't care. You know.
Speaker 1: When I'm going through spurts of the smoking pot, I
Speaker 1: always just go there like there's a two smoking fee
Speaker 1: and I go charge it. Let me just smoke like
Speaker 1: it doesn't linger And I know people are like, this
Speaker 1: is rude. It lingers then has to switch rooms. I
Speaker 1: do it all the time. I got to a smoking
Speaker 1: room the other day that all like cigarettes. I'd asked
Speaker 1: to change rooms. I'm sorry, I paid the extra two fifty.
Speaker 1: Let me do it. I have an addiction. Um, So
Speaker 1: I almost got in trouble. And the whole time one
Speaker 1: in the treadmill. Like at the gym, I'm like, there's
Speaker 1: gonna be cops there when I get back in that
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait again, it's legal here, recreationally medicinally. Also,
Speaker 1: please arrest me for weed. I've been arrested three times
Speaker 1: already for it. Do it again. I need a little
Speaker 1: bump in the press. That would be amazing to get arrested.
Speaker 1: I had like a good face that day. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm mug shot ready. I was like practicing the face
Speaker 1: I would make, which was really and I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is gonna be good. But that's how much my
Speaker 1: mind spends. And then I got back to my room
Speaker 1: and there was not even a note there, so it
Speaker 1: was fine and the room didn't smell so um what
Speaker 1: was I going to say about? Um? Oh yeah, So
Speaker 1: I we sang the anti hero song, and then I
Speaker 1: was realizing that, like, people aren't getting the song, Like
Speaker 1: they don't they're not hearing the lyrics, they're not understanding
Speaker 1: why this song is so good. And then because the
Speaker 1: song is about being depressed, even though like it's it's
Speaker 1: one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs lyrically because she
Speaker 1: really admits to being narcissist. She admits to being depressed,
Speaker 1: she admits to like second guessing herself all the time.
Speaker 1: And this is Taylor Swift, and I feel like she's
Speaker 1: really letting us in on some demons very specifically and
Speaker 1: that we can all relate to. And it's just catchy
Speaker 1: as fuck. You can't you can't deny that, and so um,
Speaker 1: I felt like, oh, there's lots of jokes I have
Speaker 1: that relate to these like lyrics, and so in between
Speaker 1: the lyrics, I would tell jokes to just think. I
Speaker 1: also about what you also feel what. I also feel
Speaker 1: like I shouldn't be singing, and I feel like bad
Speaker 1: that I'm People are like I paid to see comedy
Speaker 1: and she's just like doing karaoke like this is It's
Speaker 1: just it's fine, but it's not what I'm known for.
Speaker 1: So I also feel like I still have to dress
Speaker 1: it up, like I I care about people spending their
Speaker 1: money to see what they paid to see, and they
Speaker 1: did not see paid to see me sing. That's another
Speaker 1: thing that they some of them may do that, but
Speaker 1: that's not what these people paid for. So I feel
Speaker 1: indulged in Yeah, but still that could be five more
Speaker 1: minutes of comedy that someone wants, and I could be
Speaker 1: the story they tell themselves. If they don't like one
Speaker 1: thing about my act, they could say and it was
Speaker 1: really indulgent. She sang a song. They always use something again.
Speaker 1: They remember the thing. I went to go see a
Speaker 1: comedy show last night. What do I remember about it?
Speaker 1: The lows? I remember the high highs and the low lows.
Speaker 1: I know what people do psychologically when they go see
Speaker 1: a show. They remember the best thing, and they remember
Speaker 1: the worst thing, and everything in between. They kind of
Speaker 1: just forget. Um So wait, what were you gonna say? Anya?
Speaker 1: What was your question? What was that verse about? Do
Speaker 1: you think that Taylor Swift where she's talking about her
Speaker 1: nightmare of you know, her future relatives, where I, oh,
Speaker 1: the sister, my daughter, and I have this dream my
Speaker 1: daughter in law kills me for the money. She thinks
Speaker 1: that I left them in the will. My family gathers
Speaker 1: around to read it, and then someone screams out she's
Speaker 1: laughing at up at us from hell, um, well, the
Speaker 1: whole thing is about like She's like kind of like,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm the problem. It's me, And then she has
Speaker 1: this dream where in the end she like she has
Speaker 1: First of all, she admits that she's probably gonna have
Speaker 1: cuntry children, nep obeyed vise that are like going to
Speaker 1: use her her daughter in law, like whoever marries her
Speaker 1: son or daughter. Yeah, whoever marries her son or daughter
Speaker 1: if her daughter is gay, is going to end up
Speaker 1: killing her. And then and she doesn't say nightmare. She
Speaker 1: says she has a dream. And then in the dream
Speaker 1: she's already she's already planned ahead, knowing that she's going
Speaker 1: to be betrayed, and she has it in her will
Speaker 1: that all of her money goes to her cats. And
Speaker 1: that's in the sketch that um Mike probicularly isn't in
Speaker 1: the in the actual video, but yeah, they so then
Speaker 1: they read the thing and they're like, oh, my god,
Speaker 1: she's sucking laughing at us from hell because we thought
Speaker 1: we were going to get money, and in the in
Speaker 1: the will, they don't get anything. So like cat part
Speaker 1: never makes it into the song, right, Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: think it is inferred that my family gathers around and
Speaker 1: reads it and then someone screams out she's laughing at
Speaker 1: Like as they read it, they're like, oh, she's fucking
Speaker 1: laughing at us, Like she got the last word. So
Speaker 1: it's almost about like she can never trust anyone, even
Speaker 1: her children. She won't end up trusting and they're going
Speaker 1: to betray her. And because it's like when I heard
Speaker 1: that there's a celebrity I heard that leaves stacks of
Speaker 1: money laying out. I think she may have said in
Speaker 1: her documentary, but in case she didn't, I don't want
Speaker 1: to out her. But she gave me some pots and
Speaker 1: pans recently, if you want to know. And this person
Speaker 1: used to leave out stacks of thousands of dollars and
Speaker 1: then and her boyfriend's like she'd let them, and then
Speaker 1: she counted later to make sure that none of them
Speaker 1: skimmed some from the top. Because she's always always knew
Speaker 1: someone's going to betray her. I'm glad that I'm not
Speaker 1: like that. I think that would be a sad place
Speaker 1: to be. I probably gets stolen from all the time,
Speaker 1: but I don't know it um unless it was egregious.
Speaker 1: And I just feel like sometimes my mom is like,
Speaker 1: you have a lot of people working for you. I
Speaker 1: have stashes of cash in my apartment that you would
Speaker 1: never find because I can't even find them because I
Speaker 1: just forget where I put cash, and it's in my
Speaker 1: mom's head to like hide your cash, even though I
Speaker 1: would just leave it out. I mean, when Taylor came
Speaker 1: to my house to redecorate it, she was like, you
Speaker 1: have so I know this is like Nikki's bragging about
Speaker 1: having so much money day on the podcast, but I
Speaker 1: had so much cash she couldn't. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: this to be like I just don't. I don't think
Speaker 1: about things like I just don't. I don't remember. And
Speaker 1: then she she now she's paranoid that and I'm like,
Speaker 1: just and so I will write numbers next to it
Speaker 1: so people think I know how much money it is,
Speaker 1: but I don't actually count it. Because if I saw
Speaker 1: a bunch of cash and I wanted to steal something,
Speaker 1: but I saw a number written next to it, this
Speaker 1: person's monitoring. And also, I have so many cameras from
Speaker 1: when I go on the road. No, you've sent me
Speaker 1: so many cameras I've smudge or whatever that I accidentally
Speaker 1: um found one in like a sock drawer because I just,
Speaker 1: you know, come back from the road and emptied my
Speaker 1: socks and I forgot that I put it in the
Speaker 1: socks because I wanted to protect it and not get scratched.
Speaker 1: So I found one of my sock draw the other
Speaker 1: day and I put it up on the shelf just
Speaker 1: to get it out of the way and remember it
Speaker 1: was there. And then Taylor was like, it's cool that
Speaker 1: you got cameras in there, because I was. I was like,
Speaker 1: I do not camera. I don't. It would be so
Speaker 1: weird if I had cameras everywhere. I'd never want to
Speaker 1: be that kind of person. But it does work. You
Speaker 1: just put up decoy things. UM so us night. I
Speaker 1: had such a fun night. I um went to see
Speaker 1: Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock at the Enterprise Center UM,
Speaker 1: which is the same place I went to go see
Speaker 1: the Blues game a couple of weeks ago, and I
Speaker 1: was getting back in town. I was so tired. I've
Speaker 1: done a comedy show every single night for the past millennia,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, do I really want to go to one?
Speaker 1: But I've never seen Chris Rock live. I mean maybe
Speaker 1: at the Seller when I was like passing through the
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom, but generally when he came by
Speaker 1: the Seller, it would be so packed down there. And
Speaker 1: I don't really I don't really care about watching stand
Speaker 1: up being worked out. I kind of want to see
Speaker 1: the final thing. I'm not like that interested in the process,
Speaker 1: and I know how clunky it can be, especially for
Speaker 1: really famous people. They get away with so much that
Speaker 1: they can make it like. There are many stories I
Speaker 1: think of people seeing Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Louis like
Speaker 1: greats and being like or Seinfeld. Even I remember Seinfeld's
Speaker 1: documentary You see him go up and he bombs terribly
Speaker 1: in the nineties when he was Sinefeld, he bombs and
Speaker 1: so because it's just it's so new material and it's
Speaker 1: uncomfortable to watch. And I think there's people out there
Speaker 1: that are like, Chris Rock sucks because they saw him
Speaker 1: one night when he was like but then you know
Speaker 1: what they do. They always go, I'm working on new stuff,
Speaker 1: and then that gives everyone to go. Whenever you see
Speaker 1: a comedian that has a tour that's like working it
Speaker 1: out or no offense, micro biglio or like new jokes,
Speaker 1: don't like it's always a defense mechanism because they know
Speaker 1: it sucks, which is true. But you don't see musicians
Speaker 1: go like half ass and it tour, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like it's and comedians do this. I do it.
Speaker 1: Anytime a joke doesn't do well and it's new, I
Speaker 1: always go, well that's new, because I have to like
Speaker 1: let people know. I don't worry. I don't think that's
Speaker 1: good yet. Anyway, they were great last night. Um, we
Speaker 1: went to the Enterprise Center. We got you know, I
Speaker 1: Matt wrote on my behalf to people that were working
Speaker 1: at Matt you know, on your fiance. He's my tour manager.
Speaker 1: So I was just at the Steeple Center in St. Louis,
Speaker 1: which is connected to the Enterprise Center, the theater like
Speaker 1: connected to it. So he wrote to people there, got
Speaker 1: me tickets and um, and they fucking did the same
Speaker 1: blue streatment that I got, private parking backstage like area.
Speaker 1: I went with Chris and so we went together. He
Speaker 1: picked me up. He was going to spend six on tickets.
Speaker 1: He was like there two seventy each, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: we are not paying for comedy in this economy, and
Speaker 1: so I was like, we're not doing it. And so
Speaker 1: thankfully we got hooked up. And now I know I
Speaker 1: can just go to fucking any show there. Yes, you
Speaker 1: should be acting. I think good. Two thousand two, well,
Speaker 1: it was nice, and then we got to be in
Speaker 1: this private area and Chris Rock was great. Um he
Speaker 1: went on first. I was wondering how it was gonna go,
Speaker 1: but it seems like every night it's Chris Rock and
Speaker 1: then Chappelle. Chapelle was running late because his plane got
Speaker 1: um had issues, so they had they almost moved the show.
Speaker 1: They almost called the show at like six seven thirty
Speaker 1: and they were like, we might just move this to
Speaker 1: Thursday because he's not gonna make it. So he was
Speaker 1: super late and everyone was piste off because everyone has
Speaker 1: to put their phones in those yonder bags, so everyone
Speaker 1: is losing their minds, like and then they sent the
Speaker 1: opener back up in between Chris Rock and Dave, which
Speaker 1: is just not how it's done. Like, I felt so
Speaker 1: bad for rink Ingram. Shout out to Rick. He like
Speaker 1: killed it. Like it was a hell gig going back
Speaker 1: up there after everyone had already we saw We saw
Speaker 1: grick Ingram, then Donal Rawlings, then Chris Rock and then
Speaker 1: rick Ingram comes back up and it is eleven o'clock
Speaker 1: at night and we're like, let's do It's a Sunday
Speaker 1: night too, you know. So he did a really good job. Though,
Speaker 1: and the crowd loved him. Um. But during Chris Rock set, Um,
Speaker 1: there was this woman sitting next to us in the
Speaker 1: bomb Rito booth. Thank you so much to bomb Arito team.
Speaker 1: They're like a car dealership. We're in a nice you
Speaker 1: know section. There's this woman sick next to us who's
Speaker 1: clearly drunk. Green sweater girl, and she's probably in her
Speaker 1: late twenties, early thirties, and she's drunk. She's wooing at
Speaker 1: bad times. She you can tell she's like, only knows
Speaker 1: Chris Rock because of his name and like the slap
Speaker 1: and like just not a comedy fan whatsoever. I couldn't
Speaker 1: tell if she was just a date of this guy
Speaker 1: or like his woman, but I'm guessing they've just been
Speaker 1: dating a little bit. Um. She keeps wooing at all
Speaker 1: the wrong places. She's drunk. The woos are so loud
Speaker 1: they through hockey stadium. You can hear him. And they
Speaker 1: even give an announcement. Um. DJ Trauma I think is
Speaker 1: his name, the guy that DJs before the event. He
Speaker 1: before Rick Ingraham comes on, he says, don't shout out anything,
Speaker 1: you're not helping the show. There's no question you can
Speaker 1: ask that they want to answer. Shut like he literally,
Speaker 1: but he says in a nice way. He's like, don't
Speaker 1: shout anything. It does not worth it. You're gonna You're
Speaker 1: gonna it kicked out immediately, with no questions asked. I
Speaker 1: found out that not only do they get kicked out
Speaker 1: if they say anything, which they didn't to the girl
Speaker 1: that was wooing the whole fucking time. But she was
Speaker 1: in the bomb a Rito booth. But the Yonder Bags
Speaker 1: people girls will take their nails and and rip out
Speaker 1: the seams to get at their phones. Like people can't
Speaker 1: stand they will cut them there. They can't stand not
Speaker 1: having their phones. They're losing their goddamn minds. We got
Speaker 1: all this in Intel. But um so this girl is
Speaker 1: just wooing and just like yes, uh huh, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I love pizza. I'll mention the word pizza and she'll
Speaker 1: like grasp onto that word like every second was like
Speaker 1: a new thing. And then he says something about like
Speaker 1: guys shooting on Nancy Pelosi's desk. He's doing a bit
Speaker 1: about January six, and he's like, and they just you
Speaker 1: dressed like that, just a ship on Nancy Pelosi's does
Speaker 1: something like that, was his joke. Everyone laughs, and she
Speaker 1: goes as they should, as they should it, and Nicky
Speaker 1: can't take that. Nikki's not gonna So Chris puts his
Speaker 1: hand on my knee because he sees me going crazy.
Speaker 1: And I go as they should. And she's two feet
Speaker 1: from me. There is only an aisle between us, so
Speaker 1: we're both on the ends of the aisle. And she
Speaker 1: goes as they fucking should. And she gets up and
Speaker 1: walks over to me and tries to get in my
Speaker 1: face to start something and think her. Chris gets relieves
Speaker 1: out of his chair and and it gets in between us,
Speaker 1: and I told him, don't you ever do that again,
Speaker 1: don't you I go. All I said was as they should.
Speaker 1: I didn't get in her face. I didn't say you
Speaker 1: fucking dumb cunt like I wanted to say. I didn't
Speaker 1: say you drunk piece of ship. I didn't say anything.
Speaker 1: I said, as they should, you think people should pick
Speaker 1: And all I wanted to say was who's Nancy Pelosi?
Speaker 1: Why don't you like her? What has she done? Why
Speaker 1: don't why don't you like her? What? What? What is it?
Speaker 1: Even her title? What is what did she do? Like?
Speaker 1: I wanted to just quiz her that would have been it,
Speaker 1: but she I would have loved for her to punch
Speaker 1: me in the face. I would have loved it. I
Speaker 1: so later, as soon as this happened, she calms sound
Speaker 1: sits down. But I'm like, oh, I can't even focus.
Speaker 1: I'm fired up because I almost just got assaulted. And
Speaker 1: it really was avoided by Chris doing that. I think
Speaker 1: because I just wrote Chris being like, I'm gonna talk
Speaker 1: about this on the podcast. Do you think she would
Speaker 1: have hit me had you got not gotten the way?
Speaker 1: And he said, quote, um, maybe who knows to actually
Speaker 1: hit someone takes something extra. She's she'd have definitely gotten
Speaker 1: ornerary and in your face. I think she was drunk
Speaker 1: enough to hit me. I really like, all it took
Speaker 1: was me going and I didn't go like as she
Speaker 1: should in her face. I was just you know, I
Speaker 1: just said it to myself, I go as he as
Speaker 1: he should. And so then, um, I am just on fire.
Speaker 1: My body's on fire. I can't even focus. I can't
Speaker 1: even like listen. I'm like so ready to fucking get
Speaker 1: into it with this girl. I mean, I am so
Speaker 1: I look up for a ponytail because I don't want
Speaker 1: her to pull my hair because I'm ready to go,
Speaker 1: and I know this bitch will get We'll pull my hair, no,
Speaker 1: no questions. That my hair looked amazing last night. It
Speaker 1: was like long, Like I knew she would run for
Speaker 1: it and just tug me down, because my goal was
Speaker 1: when we left to say something really snide and then
Speaker 1: duck out, you know, and then we're gone. And I thought, oh,
Speaker 1: she'll grab my ponytail and fucking yank me to the
Speaker 1: ground as soon as I do that. So I put
Speaker 1: it in a ponytail just so she wouldn't grab a
Speaker 1: little piece and then rip it out, you know. So
Speaker 1: I'm gearing up and I go, Chris, I go, babe,
Speaker 1: I have to say something. I cannot because she kept
Speaker 1: doing it and he didn't. She didn't realize Chris Rock
Speaker 1: is making fun of her. And at one point Chris
Speaker 1: Rock even made mention that there are white there's probably
Speaker 1: white supremacists in the building, people who literally are at
Speaker 1: a black black performance and they are white. There's at
Speaker 1: least a couple, and I remember thinking, there's probably not
Speaker 1: that like white power people, and then they go, yes,
Speaker 1: there are. She is right next to me. And then
Speaker 1: they I think it was Don l made the joke,
Speaker 1: maybe about the white supremacist. He was like, they're not
Speaker 1: down here like in the good seats. They're up in
Speaker 1: the nose blades because they're fucking stupid. And I go, no,
Speaker 1: they're not. They're in the bomb Merito box because they're rich.
Speaker 1: These people. This woman has had a V I P. S.
Speaker 1: Seat and she's saying ship on Pelosi's desk and by
Speaker 1: the way, she doesn't even know she has. I guarantee
Speaker 1: she has no idea what Nancy Pelosi does. I mean,
Speaker 1: this woman is a fucking great a moron and so.
Speaker 1: And by the way, I couldn't tell you really what
Speaker 1: she does either, but at least I'm not saying it
Speaker 1: on her desk, you know, Like I'll admit my ignorance.
Speaker 1: I do know what she does, but I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: say it here because it might be wrong. But I
Speaker 1: believe she's the Secretary of State, right, Okay, No I
Speaker 1: met her. I listen, I don't. No one deserves to
Speaker 1: have their desk ship one yea. Oh my god. It
Speaker 1: was so cool. And a lot of people are rolling
Speaker 1: their eyes right now because I know that we have
Speaker 1: listeners that are on the other side of things, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: yes they should. No one should ship on her desk,
Speaker 1: let's be This woman was so disgusting and so and
Speaker 1: my dad almost got into a fight with a trumpee
Speaker 1: that he plays tennis with recently and like screamed in
Speaker 1: his face and they almost got into fisticuffs about it
Speaker 1: because this guy was such an ignorant asshole. And it
Speaker 1: was also about smearing ship on Nancy Plosi's desk, because
Speaker 1: that's where it breaks down. If you think that's a
Speaker 1: good idea, you're a weird monster. That's where all If
Speaker 1: you think the shipping on someone's desk is a good idea,
Speaker 1: that's where we don't we lose discourse. Actually, the Speaker
Speaker 1: of the House, sorry, oh wait, really that's what she's
Speaker 1: a former Speaker of the House. Former Yeah, Speaker of
Speaker 1: the House. Now, oh my god, that's so embarrassing. Secretary
Speaker 1: of State was um god, who's Secretary of State? We
Speaker 1: look it up, Secretary. People are so hard right now
Speaker 1: and I deserve it. Um. Anyway, like I said, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I was going to tell you I don't
Speaker 1: know what Nancy Pelosi does, but I know she doesn't
Speaker 1: deserve to have her fucking desk shift on. And so
Speaker 1: she has some questionable stock trading things. But yeah, but
Speaker 1: don't then go to jail. Don't get your desk sh on.
Speaker 1: And by the way, the desk shitting on is is
Speaker 1: about being she They people wanted her hung, you know,
Speaker 1: like people wanted to kill her. That's what that represents.
Speaker 1: And that's what that woman was all about. I could
Speaker 1: tell so what happened. So I was telling Chris, I
Speaker 1: was like, I got I gotta say something like I'm
Speaker 1: not going to let this go, Like this woman and
Speaker 1: the people next to us were hating her because she
Speaker 1: wouldn't shut the funk up. She was howling and screaming
Speaker 1: through all the jokes. He couldn't hear anything. But there
Speaker 1: was no security in my section, so there was nothing
Speaker 1: to do any comedy show. She would have been thrown out.
Speaker 1: How many other people were in the box with you, guys.
Speaker 1: We were in the very back row so and down
Speaker 1: below was like a large drop off, so I couldn't
Speaker 1: see the people in the dark below. She could have
Speaker 1: thrown you down there. No, no, no, no no, it
Speaker 1: was just no not all I like I said, I
Speaker 1: would like to have a big wound on my face
Speaker 1: from being like I got punched by a trumpy like
Speaker 1: bring it on, just because I would never start a fight.
Speaker 1: All I did was just ask her as as they
Speaker 1: shout as that, and then so then Chris goes, you're
Speaker 1: guest here. This is a like you don't want to
Speaker 1: make a scene like you And that was an important reminder,
Speaker 1: like I've got these tickets for free, I'm a guest here.
Speaker 1: This is someone's box. These are someone's seats that aren't
Speaker 1: like behave yourself. So what I did on the way out,
Speaker 1: I she was drunk. You can tell her boyfriend was
Speaker 1: so embarrassed, but he was you just tell. It was
Speaker 1: like the Will Smith thing. Remember when Will Smith he
Speaker 1: had to he had to punch Chris Rock because if
Speaker 1: he didn't, whatever was on the other side of Jada
Speaker 1: looking at him like that was going to be worse
Speaker 1: than what the repercussions of punching Will Smith and that
Speaker 1: guy shushing his girlfriend was going to the repercussions of
Speaker 1: him shushing her, We're gonna be worse than just putting
Speaker 1: up with her being a complete embarrassment to him. So
Speaker 1: he let her go right, So I knew this guy
Speaker 1: was hen packed in and how he needed to know.
Speaker 1: So as I walk out, I'm like crossing right by them,
Speaker 1: and I can tell he's aware of me leaving because
Speaker 1: he knows I fucking hate her and I'm ready to
Speaker 1: start trouble, but I didn't. It was an hour and
Speaker 1: a half of sitting next to them after that incident,
Speaker 1: and I didn't do anything. I didn't shoot a look,
Speaker 1: I didn't go, oh god, I didn't do anything. I
Speaker 1: was just like, So, then we leave and I Chris.
Speaker 1: Chris goes through the curtains to leave, and he's in
Speaker 1: the next room now, and then I'm just staring standing
Speaker 1: at the curtain and I'm just staring at the guy.
Speaker 1: I'm waiting for him to look at me before I leave,
Speaker 1: and I'm just looking takes him two seconds because he's
Speaker 1: very aware that I'm there, and then he looks over
Speaker 1: at me, and I just go and I look at her.
Speaker 1: I shoot a look at her, and I go and
Speaker 1: I just give him a look like what the funk
Speaker 1: are you doing with your life? Like a lot of
Speaker 1: you guys, a long look of just like oh no.
Speaker 1: And I did this like kind of cross like and
Speaker 1: then left, which made me feel so good because it
Speaker 1: was exactly She's never going to get through to her.
Speaker 1: But at least I can save him. He needs to know,
Speaker 1: get away from this monster. Do not allow this anymore.
Speaker 1: Dropping leave her downtown, find her own way home. But
Speaker 1: it was so in thrilling. I love almost getting into
Speaker 1: a fight. I love when someone wants to fight with
Speaker 1: me until Chris next time. Never if I ever if
Speaker 1: a trump he ever tries to hit me, you let them,
Speaker 1: and I know I will be like, why didn't you
Speaker 1: defend me? I'm begging you right now, don't get in
Speaker 1: the way. Please. I would love to get assaulted by
Speaker 1: someone crazy. And I know that that sounds scary, but
Speaker 1: I've never been punched in the face. I can get
Speaker 1: punched in the face once by a drunk woman. I
Speaker 1: can do it. Okay, just let me have it. Thoughts,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say no to the person listening right now
Speaker 1: who's mentally ill and and he's going to pull one
Speaker 1: of those um things at the meet and great, so
Speaker 1: Blaze tell everything that he's saying with a huge grain
Speaker 1: of cops if you do. But in like in a
Speaker 1: this is not me in telling any trumpets to punch
Speaker 1: me in the face. I'm saying, if it happens naturally,
Speaker 1: occurs naturally, if you're feeling the vibe, then do it.
Speaker 1: If you're feeling my like libtard snowflake vibe, fucking clock
Speaker 1: me in the face and I'll just be I'll I
Speaker 1: won't do anything, but I'll defend myself. But you're gonna
Speaker 1: look like an idiot. You're gonna look like an idiot,
Speaker 1: and I will prove that you're crazy. I've had that.
Speaker 1: I just love a fight sometimes when I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm right in there wrong and I just I know
Speaker 1: what you feel, the adrenaline coursing through your veins, or
Speaker 1: you're just like bring it. I'm ready. I'm so ready,
Speaker 1: even though I don't know who the Speaker of the houses.
Speaker 1: I mean, I literally said Secretary of State, and we
Speaker 1: had that, we said that, we all sat on that
Speaker 1: for ye and there. I cannot believe the reaction we're
Speaker 1: going to get from people. Do you want to know
Speaker 1: who the secret between the time where we realize Secretary
Speaker 1: of State and Speaker of House and then people are
Speaker 1: gonna write us right after a d m Oh, you
Speaker 1: just fixed it. We know morons. I even said, before
Speaker 1: I said the wrong thing, I didn't know who she was.
Speaker 1: Who the Secretary of State is? Now? Oh, yes they do.
Speaker 1: I bet I would know it if you gave me
Speaker 1: like three years right now? Can you give me the
Speaker 1: first initial? Yes? A. There's just no way you know
Speaker 1: that their first name is A. Do you know the gender? No? Okay, wait,
Speaker 1: just because I've known the Secretary of State before, hasn't
Speaker 1: the Secretary State been Condoleeza Rice? No? Right now? Hillary was? Yes,
Speaker 1: that's right right now? Who? What's the what's the there's here?
Speaker 1: What are the initials? A B, Austin, Austin Butler? The
Speaker 1: last name kind of sounds like an involuntary thing that
Speaker 1: we all do. Burp. Here's what I'm doing when I'm flirting?
Speaker 1: What do I do when I flare with a guy? Blink? Yes?
Speaker 1: Anderson blink Anthony blinken Never have heard of him in
Speaker 1: my life. That makes me feel so good that there
Speaker 1: there's no way that I would have ever conjured that.
Speaker 1: Did you? Have you guys heard of that name? Talk
Speaker 1: about the four one. This weekend we met a state
Speaker 1: senator for Illinois. What's his name? Mike Hastings Michael Hastings,
Speaker 1: state Senator. No, how many how many state senators are
Speaker 1: there as many of there are states? Actually know there's more.
Speaker 1: There's there's two senators per state and then the House
Speaker 1: of Representatives. It's like, you know, based on population or
Speaker 1: size of state or whatever, you have like local senators
Speaker 1: or something like that. I didn't know that ship. So
Speaker 1: I meet this guy and he's a state senator. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I've never met a senator. This is so cool. I
Speaker 1: was like, I feel like I'm on veep. I went
Speaker 1: up to him. I was like, what about this reform bill?
Speaker 1: Are we getting it past? Like? I was so excited
Speaker 1: to be v per second and then now wait home.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's cool. How many senators have you
Speaker 1: guys met? This pretty awesome. He's like, well, it's a
Speaker 1: state senator. I go, I know there's two per state.
Speaker 1: That's like, there's only you know, a hundred senators And
Speaker 1: he was like, no, it's a state center. I go,
Speaker 1: what the funk are you saying? And there is state
Speaker 1: senators because they have their own Congress or whatever per state.
Speaker 1: That there's state senators and then there's and then there's
Speaker 1: just senators and I'm telling you, if you want to
Speaker 1: get a ton of political pussy, become a state senator,
Speaker 1: because no one thinks you're a state senator. They just
Speaker 1: think you're a senator. I didn't know they were separate senators.
Speaker 1: You didn't refused. I'm confused. I don't know any of this,
Speaker 1: and so many people I can feel your judgment. Who
Speaker 1: are these listeners? You? We should know this, but we
Speaker 1: were what we did not educated properly. Well, you should
Speaker 1: educate yourself. I don't know. It's not gonna stick. I'm
Speaker 1: only too senators per state. There are hundred senators all
Speaker 1: at all, But does that mean that there are more
Speaker 1: there are other senators or those maybe he is important.
Speaker 1: No state senators are at the state level, so even
Speaker 1: the state has a like a so a state. The
Speaker 1: senators you're talking about are for the United States, there's
Speaker 1: two per state and the Washington d C. And then
Speaker 1: there's the state ones who can come to your shows
Speaker 1: and see you because their local. Yeah, and there's probably
Speaker 1: two per county or something. I don't even know. But
Speaker 1: but all I'm saying is like you would think it
Speaker 1: was like it would like be like saying you're in
Speaker 1: Destiny's Child. But you were like auditioned for it or something.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know what, or like you
Speaker 1: were the girl that was in it for like one week.
Speaker 1: It's like we were falling all over ourselves. I was like, Senator,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I know it is a big deal, but
Speaker 1: I thought it was one of the hundred. I think
Speaker 1: how many states senators are there? And then we'll see
Speaker 1: how impressive it was. I was blown away how dumb
Speaker 1: I am when it comes to politics. Someone said recently,
Speaker 1: there's some joke made about no, I don't vote. I'm
Speaker 1: not what. I forget what the joke was. What? Oh
Speaker 1: I saw that too? Who was it? Wait? Where do
Speaker 1: we see that? Was that on It's Nerdy? Oh? It
Speaker 1: was it? Karen Fiehan, Yes, oh my god, we say
Speaker 1: this on the same clip. She was like, that's for nerds. Yeah.
Speaker 1: She was like, because she's like, I vote with my
Speaker 1: pussy now, just kidding, I don't vote. Voting is for nerves.
Speaker 1: She was joking about her only fans and how it's
Speaker 1: changed her like voter status. She has money now she's
Speaker 1: a new tax bracket and changed how she votes. I
Speaker 1: love it. Karen fihan comedian does only fans. Fuck yes,
Speaker 1: and she's making more money than all of us probably,
Speaker 1: I know what are we doing with our lives. I
Speaker 1: gotta get on there and see what she's up to.
Speaker 1: I bet so many of her subscribers are just people
Speaker 1: who are curious. You know, she's got a lot of goods.
Speaker 1: I like her. Weares that she's she's freaking awesome. She's badass.
Speaker 1: I was telling Chris about her last night. Actually, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, we gotta look at Karen Fan. You're
Speaker 1: gonna love her because she's just like sexy and so funny.
Speaker 1: I was telling about Karen what the fuck? And it
Speaker 1: was yesterday r R y N. For anyone who's f
Speaker 1: had f e h A N. She's so funny. She's
Speaker 1: to be on you Up a lot um when we
Speaker 1: did the serious show, She's great. She's gonna come to
Speaker 1: my show at the Beacon in New York and hangbackstage.
Speaker 1: She's just like no nonsense, nice but like also really intimidating,
Speaker 1: so funny, and she does only fans, so fun yeah,
Speaker 1: and she holds nothing back. Remember she had that breakup
Speaker 1: when we were talking about it on You Up and
Speaker 1: she told us every detail and how much she hated
Speaker 1: him and she had just broken up with him like
Speaker 1: the day before, and then I think she didn't want
Speaker 1: and she she's sober too, and she has do not
Speaker 1: serve on her wrist. Oh yeah, tattoo. Yeah, she's fucking great. Um,
Speaker 1: I love anyone that's out is that bold and out there.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be more so. But the more that
Speaker 1: I think of, like just saying it like it is,
Speaker 1: I even get scared about talking about Gwyneth. I'm like,
Speaker 1: someday I'm going to meet her and be like I
Speaker 1: love you, and be like, I hope you've never seen
Speaker 1: the episode from Tuesday, January six or whatever day it's
Speaker 1: going to be when this air is like, I do
Speaker 1: have those fears, but Karen doesn't seem to give a fuck.
Speaker 1: But yeah, have you ever been in a fight before?
Speaker 1: Have you ever gotten assaulted? I feel like Noah has
Speaker 1: a yes on this. Noah probably doesn't in training. I
Speaker 1: do it in training, And I wanted to say that it's. Um,
Speaker 1: you told the story about your dad getting into an
Speaker 1: argument with his friend and you gave him very sage advice,
Speaker 1: which was dead. Just drop it. It's not worth it
Speaker 1: because what happens to your corticil levels and the stress
Speaker 1: that you put on yourself with his friends, and he's old,
Speaker 1: he can't take a punch if you If you think
Speaker 1: about like how you feel after you get really angry,
Speaker 1: Like did you feel really exhausted when you gone home?
Speaker 1: I felt invigorated. No, I felt like I felt really
Speaker 1: I felt good because I felt like I won because
Speaker 1: I got the last moment, But after it, I felt
Speaker 1: I was worried about Chris being embarrassed because I don't
Speaker 1: want him to think he has like a white trash
Speaker 1: girlfriend that's like trying to get in fight. So I felt,
Speaker 1: but you know what, Chris kind of likes when I
Speaker 1: get like that. He I've only said it twice in
Speaker 1: my life where I was like, I I said about
Speaker 1: Andrew Tate, and I said about this other woman who
Speaker 1: was trying to like get in the way of our relationship,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I want to kick him in
Speaker 1: the fucking throat. I said that about Andrew Tate the
Speaker 1: other night. I was like, He's one guy that I
Speaker 1: would fear would be like you're ugly and old, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I wouldn't give a fun I want
Speaker 1: to kick him in the throat. I've never really wanted
Speaker 1: to be that violent to anyone. And then there was
Speaker 1: this other girl that I used to just joke with Chris,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't joking. I was like, I want to
Speaker 1: fight her. I'm hard to fight. So what I was
Speaker 1: gonna say, I know, you get winded, like all this
Speaker 1: adrenaline comes up and it's great and you have this
Speaker 1: burst of energy, but then you are exhausted. It's not
Speaker 1: it's not like in the movie. No one ever looks
Speaker 1: cool after a fight. But I like wanting to fight.
Speaker 1: I like that adrenaline. I think it's like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: fucking do it. I guess I don't really want it
Speaker 1: to happen, but I don't. I don't want to win
Speaker 1: a fight. I just want someone to punch me and
Speaker 1: then I look like the winner because I didn't fight back,
Speaker 1: because I don't think violence is the answer. So I
Speaker 1: kind of I want them to prove what losers they
Speaker 1: are and then get arrested and then have to like
Speaker 1: they she loses custody of her fucking child that I
Speaker 1: know what she has and is abandoning and trying to
Speaker 1: find the people's desks. Yeah, yeah, that's what I want.
Speaker 1: But if good a copy of Alan Carr's book, you
Speaker 1: could have just dropped it in her lap. She can't read.
Speaker 1: This woman was just the biggest fucking more. And as
Speaker 1: someone who does not know who the Speaker of the
Speaker 1: House was or who Nancy Pelosi was, I admit I'm
Speaker 1: not the smartest to in the fucking crayon box, but
Speaker 1: I am I at least she was one of the
Speaker 1: dumbest people ever. And she was also so drunk. And
Speaker 1: here's this other thing. I don't understand. If you're drunk,
Speaker 1: I know that you're drunk. I used to be a
Speaker 1: drunk too. Okay, when you get out of hand and
Speaker 1: you get too drunk, I know that you're embarrassing. I
Speaker 1: have a little voice in the back of your head
Speaker 1: that says you're drunk, You're embarrassing. When I used to
Speaker 1: get black out drunk, I knew when the world started spinning,
Speaker 1: I knew I was embarrassing people. I knew I was
Speaker 1: embarrassing myself, and I would try to like crawl off
Speaker 1: and die alone in the corner. I would try to
Speaker 1: isolate myself from the mayhem. But people were showing up
Speaker 1: that shows this weekend fucking wasted and be like naked
Speaker 1: out and grabbing me. One girl grabbed me so hard
Speaker 1: she her head slammed into mine. I felt concussed. She
Speaker 1: ran at me, She ran and was like beastie and
Speaker 1: I can't even believe she was a bustie and shout
Speaker 1: out to you pick up that Alan carbook. But she
Speaker 1: was so sweet, but she ran up slam my head
Speaker 1: and then she grabbed my head graceful and she goes,
Speaker 1: I just want you to be more delicate with yourself
Speaker 1: with yourself, and I'm like, you literally just concustom me
Speaker 1: to the point that Matt On your boyfriend was about
Speaker 1: to call the security guard over and like and afterwards
Speaker 1: he was like, are you okay? And this woman told
Speaker 1: me to be more gentle with myself. I was like,
Speaker 1: the irony, just I just were you guys, we'll get
Speaker 1: back from the break. I want to know on you
Speaker 1: were you kind of drunk that you were like proud
Speaker 1: and loud, being a really embarrassed drunk and knowing that yes,
Speaker 1: I need this thing. But I'm also like, I'm that
Speaker 1: kind of pothead. I know what I'm doing is obnoxious.
Speaker 1: To others. I don't like blowing smoke in other people's faces.
Speaker 1: I'm very cognizant of how annoying my addiction is. What
Speaker 1: happened to being a little bit of a empathetic addict.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that when we get back us fan thracks.
Speaker 1: Like the other day I was engaging in some pot
Speaker 1: smoking with a friend and they did not seem to
Speaker 1: care that there were people next to us that we're
Speaker 1: going to have to breathe in the smoke. And I
Speaker 1: was like, no, we can't do this here, there's people
Speaker 1: right there. And he's like, but it's it's pot smoke.
Speaker 1: It doesn't linger. And I know I just said it
Speaker 1: didn't linger in hotel rooms, it really doesn't. You click
Speaker 1: at it a cleaning, it does not linger. Cigarette smoke
Speaker 1: is different, but in public, I don't like to blow
Speaker 1: plumes of smoke in people's faces. I'm very embarrassed of
Speaker 1: this thing that I need to do that's inconveniencing other
Speaker 1: I know it's toxic any kind of smoke. The same
Speaker 1: with alcohol, like being loud or cigarettes, like just mindful
Speaker 1: of others? Did you when you drink you guys and
Speaker 1: would get belligerent. Were you aware of what a fucking
Speaker 1: mess you were and embarrassing? Yes? I was aware. And
Speaker 1: you have to have appropriate shame, and you have to
Speaker 1: have shame, like some appropriate shame. That's the word I'm
Speaker 1: looking for, just a little shame, dose of appropriate shame,
Speaker 1: like oh what did I do? The oh nose? The
Speaker 1: next morning I would be like, what did I do?
Speaker 1: But when you're drinking, it's always magnified, so you always
Speaker 1: think you are so much worse than you actually were,
Speaker 1: at least maybe women do. I don't know. I think
Speaker 1: it's they think it's I think they don't know how
Speaker 1: bad it is. I think everything is amplified. But that's
Speaker 1: why people scream so loud, because your senses get old
Speaker 1: when you're drinking, because you get more dumb word but
Speaker 1: you know the R word. You get more of that
Speaker 1: when you drink. So you're not getting more brave. You're
Speaker 1: not getting more brazen. You're not like getting liquid courage.
Speaker 1: You're getting more are Okay. That's what happens to your brain.
Speaker 1: It's closer and closer to being shut down. So that's
Speaker 1: why you're more like I'm gonna dance like an idiot
Speaker 1: and feel free to like celebrate and like live it up.
Speaker 1: It's because you're getting stupider, you know, like people that
Speaker 1: have mental handicaps and how they're a little bit more
Speaker 1: free with hugs and enthusiasm, and they like things more
Speaker 1: and they scream what they like things. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm talking about, the things we can't make fun of.
Speaker 1: You know, the enthusiasm that people that have mental handicaps
Speaker 1: have for life. That's you when you're drunk. There's no difference, okay,
Speaker 1: it's it means you aren't as smart, you don't have intelligence,
Speaker 1: you don't have a moral compass is not more a compass,
Speaker 1: but just so you just so, that's why people scream,
Speaker 1: is like everything's deadened. Their ears are deadened there, their
Speaker 1: senses are deadened. I don't feel like but I don't
Speaker 1: think the thing that went away. There was always a
Speaker 1: little bit of a glimmer in me, my little like
Speaker 1: a little candle inside of me that was like, you're
Speaker 1: embarrassing right now, because I think I grew up seeing
Speaker 1: so much embarrassing alcoholism that I knew no matter what's happening,
Speaker 1: take it. Just pull back a little bit. Even though
Speaker 1: you feel like this is the right move. That's why
Speaker 1: everyone who drinks wants everyone around them to drink yes,
Speaker 1: so that they can let that. So there's no witnesses.
Speaker 1: But now there's CCTV cameras and there's there's videos. There's
Speaker 1: a one way that I ever got someone in my
Speaker 1: life to quit drinking was to show them a video
Speaker 1: of themselves when they were drunk, and they were like,
Speaker 1: and then they stopped for a really long time. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It actually it gets people to start. It doesn't it
Speaker 1: doesn't last, but it is a quick fix. If you
Speaker 1: need someone to like kind of get sober fast, is
Speaker 1: to show them how bad they're because you don't know
Speaker 1: when you're drunk. You look in the mirror and you're like,
Speaker 1: I'm freaking hot, I'm entertaining, I'm sexier, like i've I've
Speaker 1: never felt better about myself than That's why when I
Speaker 1: watched The Real Housewives, I'm always shocked that, like months later,
Speaker 1: when they've had all this time to look back and
Speaker 1: watch the episodes, these women will like, Sonia clearly has
Speaker 1: a drinking problem so bad, and then she'll just double
Speaker 1: down on it and be like, no, I was fine,
Speaker 1: I was having fun. Everyone needs to lighten up. It's
Speaker 1: like she does not have any guess she's not watching
Speaker 1: the episodes they show clips. They'll be like, what was
Speaker 1: this reunion? It's probably drunk when they show them. I'm
Speaker 1: not kidding you, Like I've been that way before with
Speaker 1: stuff where you don't want to see it because you're
Speaker 1: not ready to give it up to you know, like
Speaker 1: you just you cannot. Yeah, I think it. And but
Speaker 1: the problem is the only antidote to feeling terrible about
Speaker 1: how much you drank is what drinking more? Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: drinking more. That's all they have, you know, and that's
Speaker 1: the only thing they can reach to to feel better.
Speaker 1: They don't have good friends, they don't have a support system.
Speaker 1: They have a husband that's probably cheating on them, they
Speaker 1: don't their daughters fucking hate them. They have no So
Speaker 1: when they're feeling anxious, they gotta go to the And
Speaker 1: it's so ironic because you're feeling anxious about the thing
Speaker 1: that made you feel anxious in the first like you
Speaker 1: have to. That's that's your safety blanket, that's causing you
Speaker 1: the pain, And that's fucking addiction for you actually have
Speaker 1: a practice. Oh yes you do. Let's get to it.
Speaker 1: All right, great, m okay, let's um get Lauren's take
Speaker 1: on this. My sister, Hi, Nikki, and know this is Lauren.
Speaker 1: I've been listening since you updates, and I just feel
Speaker 1: like I really need to say thank you to Nikki
Speaker 1: for always being so open and real when talking about alcohol, um,
Speaker 1: in regards to your personal life and society as a whole.
Speaker 1: I was a heavy drinker for years, and I feel
Speaker 1: like you were kind of planting sobriety seeds in my
Speaker 1: head um the whole time I've been listening to you. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then this past summer when my boyfriend was hospitalized
Speaker 1: for a week because of his alcohol consumption, I felt
Speaker 1: like I had you in the back of my head
Speaker 1: and the advice and resources you have given on this
Speaker 1: podcast um to help me sober up and help him
Speaker 1: sober up. So seriously, thank you, And just a reminder
Speaker 1: to everyone out there. I'm young, he's young. I'm twenty five,
Speaker 1: he's thirty five. Yes, I have an old soul, um,
Speaker 1: But just a reminder that alcohol can really funk you up,
Speaker 1: even when you're young, and I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people don't remember that anyway. Thank you. Jack Daniels almost
Speaker 1: killed my boyfriend. Oh my god, dude, UM, that's so
Speaker 1: awesome to hear. Thank you so much, and it's yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's it's just good to have. That's why
Speaker 1: I do a little messaging here and there, because it
Speaker 1: just takes some time sometimes for things to get through,
Speaker 1: and even for me, like I fall back on stuff
Speaker 1: like I you know, no one's perfect, of I was
Speaker 1: lucky enough to just not touch alcohol after I gave
Speaker 1: it up. But even if you're struggling to quit and
Speaker 1: it's not that easy for you, just keeping the ball
Speaker 1: up in the air of talking about how it's just
Speaker 1: isn't the answer to your problems and it isn't as
Speaker 1: much fun as you've convinced yourself it is. And all
Speaker 1: these things that are you unequivocally true about alcohol are
Speaker 1: nice to know. It's so you're so inspiring to me
Speaker 1: ave to be done and to help your boyfriend through that.
Speaker 1: That's so fucking cool. I hope he's doing. Wow, it
Speaker 1: took me two more, It took me seven to say
Speaker 1: goodbye to it. And and the more that I live,
Speaker 1: the more it just gets easier and easier, because it's
Speaker 1: just you get pulled over. You don't worry about anything.
Speaker 1: You're never gonna be drunk when you get pulled over.
Speaker 1: That's a whole thing. You you forget someone's name, don't
Speaker 1: worry you weren't drunk. You don't have to feel like
Speaker 1: an asshole. You don't remember stories someone told you you
Speaker 1: weren't drunk. It's it wasn't your fault that you don't remember.
Speaker 1: It wasn't an interesting story. Like you don't realize all
Speaker 1: the things that the shame you carry around when you
Speaker 1: drink too much of like that you just are free
Speaker 1: from when you when you just don't have it as
Speaker 1: an option to like always shoot on yourself about. So
Speaker 1: that's so cool, Lauren, thank you for sharing that. Okay um.
Speaker 1: On one of the Redded Dumps, we talked about finding
Speaker 1: hair and food. Oh yeah, so this is a response
Speaker 1: to that from Marissa. It just made me gaggle Massa.
Speaker 1: I was just listening to your episode about the Redded
Speaker 1: Dump about the hair and hair really doesn't gross me
Speaker 1: out at all. In fact, something my partner, my girlfriend
Speaker 1: hates it is literally so disgusted by about me is
Speaker 1: that I use my hair to floss when there's no
Speaker 1: floss available. You have strong hair so I just wanted
Speaker 1: to let you know, but that is an option. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, aren't grossed out by hair. This woman doesn't
Speaker 1: color her hair. That is incredible. But she what kind
Speaker 1: of hair do you think she has? Send us your hair? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you want to see a picture. I need some new floss.
Speaker 1: It's that is awesome because my hair would break immediately.
Speaker 1: And there have been times where I've thought, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe I could because you get something caught in your tooth.
Speaker 1: I've been awesome, but I feel like my hair would
Speaker 1: get caught in my tooth and then i'd have a backup.
Speaker 1: There will be a bumper to bumper ship my teeth. Um.
Speaker 1: That is so funny. And I remember someone on some
Speaker 1: show being like, you think that's a bad first date.
Speaker 1: I went without without with a guy who leaned across
Speaker 1: the table and pulled out one of my hairs and
Speaker 1: started flossing with it. And I always it's in some
Speaker 1: kind of movie or show I really like, And I
Speaker 1: always thought that is the worst line. No one would
Speaker 1: ever do that on a first date. But I guess
Speaker 1: you're someone want a first date with you could, but
Speaker 1: if they pulled out your hair, that would be insane.
Speaker 1: At that joke. It got me. I forget what it's from.
Speaker 1: I wish I could find the reference, but whenever it
Speaker 1: comes up, I'm always like, I'll ignore this joke. The
Speaker 1: rest of the show is amazing. Um, all right, next up, okay,
Speaker 1: next up. Uh, we have renee hies. So I am
Speaker 1: a therapist. No brag, but I just wanted to say,
Speaker 1: based on your guys conversations about you know, worrying about
Speaker 1: what people think, if people don't like me, I have
Speaker 1: a rule for my clients, and that is, if you
Speaker 1: wouldn't take their advice, you don't take their criticism. I
Speaker 1: hope you can't buy that rule. I also talk. My
Speaker 1: doctor shared a story with me where, um, she had
Speaker 1: a patient who was like in her seventies and she
Speaker 1: was due for a pelvic exam or whatever. And she
Speaker 1: shows up and lays on the table and it's all
Speaker 1: giggly and my doctor, you know, spreads are open to
Speaker 1: get in there, and the patient yells out tea time
Speaker 1: and had pulled had put a tea bag up her
Speaker 1: pussy for my my doctor to find, and just thought
Speaker 1: it was the funniest thing and couldn't stop laughing at herself.
Speaker 1: So I just had to share that because I mean,
Speaker 1: I can see my real life half going that way
Speaker 1: at seventy to show Tea bags up my cooter for
Speaker 1: a laugh. But anyway, so much she's doing what you
Speaker 1: do and take the care girl than Tee. Was it
Speaker 1: steeped or had it not been steep guessing that well,
Speaker 1: I'm guessing if she was in her seventies, that thing
Speaker 1: was dry as a fucking pair of fresh socks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that is so funny, and it really because I've been
Speaker 1: talking about when I pulled out a tamp on wefter,
Speaker 1: Like one time I was in I have a joke
Speaker 1: where I talk about masturbating and I kind of forgot
Speaker 1: I had a tamp on it and then I wanted
Speaker 1: to like funk myself, and so I had to pull
Speaker 1: out the tampon and I didn't. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: walk into the bathroom before I masturbated, because you know,
Speaker 1: when you're ready to fund yourself, you just want it.
Speaker 1: So I just said it on top of something on
Speaker 1: my desk beside table. I don't want to give away
Speaker 1: the whole joke, so I said it on top of
Speaker 1: something because I didn't want it like touching. But it's
Speaker 1: a bloody tampon that I like. But I was going
Speaker 1: to throw it away, like it's not like I was
Speaker 1: like leaving it there for like decor, right, But I
Speaker 1: said at one point in it, I go, I don't
Speaker 1: want to walk into the bathroom like holding like a
Speaker 1: dead mouse. And people aftert that that was a Sarah
Speaker 1: Lena line. She once said that, um, a guy pulled
Speaker 1: out a tampon when they were like having they're about
Speaker 1: to have sex, and he was like, she was like,
Speaker 1: it looked like he was like carrying a dead mouse.
Speaker 1: And I was thought that was funny. But now I
Speaker 1: have a new one of like a steeped tea bag.
Speaker 1: It's so funny. And I bet she I mean, that
Speaker 1: old woman had not worn a tamp on for a while,
Speaker 1: so she just want to put something up there. And
Speaker 1: I want, as someone who once put a gummy of
Speaker 1: sugar gummy worm up my vagina, to go pick up
Speaker 1: my boyfriend who I knew was going to finger me
Speaker 1: within seconds of getting in the car, and I knew
Speaker 1: he liked gummy worms and was probably hungry from his
Speaker 1: long trip across America. That I like a good vagina surprise,
Speaker 1: U like like what are those little kinderballs or whatever,
Speaker 1: or like inside there's just like kinder balls and inside
Speaker 1: it's like a little like Lego, Pikachu or something. A girlfriend. Yeah, fun,
Speaker 1: I mean some fun stuff. Final thought, Chris and I have.
Speaker 1: I have so much fun. I'm just like give me it.
Speaker 1: Like I do this thing where I'll just like try
Speaker 1: to grab his you know thing, and I just go like,
Speaker 1: but give it to me, like I want it. Like
Speaker 1: I start like complaining, like this will be in public,
Speaker 1: and I'm like when I want it, and He's like,
Speaker 1: but like, what are you gonna do with it right now?
Speaker 1: I'm just like just give it to me, and I
Speaker 1: still keep trying to get it. Um. He also was
Speaker 1: tickled by what kind of funny stuff have I done with?
Speaker 1: I mean so much, there have been so many. There's
Speaker 1: a I oftentimes, like early on in our relationship, by
Speaker 1: like was naked under this like robe thing because we
Speaker 1: met when I was doing a TV show and on
Speaker 1: this TV show, we would get our hair and makeup
Speaker 1: done in these velvet robes and then we would change
Speaker 1: it do our like you know, binding wardrobe. And one
Speaker 1: time I went to go meet him like somewhere in
Speaker 1: this building because he had worked there at MTV for
Speaker 1: a while, so he knew like all these like edit
Speaker 1: bays that were abandoned. We had just started sneaking around
Speaker 1: and fooling around. He was like made me on the
Speaker 1: seventeen floor and I went up there and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: so when we're gonna show you his edit down here,
Speaker 1: when I was acting like I was gonna go look
Speaker 1: at a cut of a thing, and then we went
Speaker 1: in there and he thought I was going to have
Speaker 1: like clothes on underneath, and I opened up and it
Speaker 1: was like nothing. And so that's always been like a
Speaker 1: very thrilling thing is where he thinks that I have
Speaker 1: clothes underneath something Like the other day I met him
Speaker 1: in a garage to give him keys to my car,
Speaker 1: and I put on a trench coat because it was
Speaker 1: like the appropriate weather for it, and I put on
Speaker 1: this really slutty thing underneath that um I had bought
Speaker 1: for the Strip Club Surprise, you know that I did
Speaker 1: in London, but it had arrived really lay. It was Amazon,
Speaker 1: and it's like Taylor was like cleaning my room and
Speaker 1: she goes what he's It was just like a tangle
Speaker 1: of strings and I'm like, oh, it's the slut way
Speaker 1: I got. So I put it on once for him.
Speaker 1: It looked amazing, Like I was like, oh, this is great.
Speaker 1: So I went down there to give him the keys
Speaker 1: and we got into an argument like while I was
Speaker 1: giving him the keys, and like it was just over
Speaker 1: something dumb, but we were just it was tense, right,
Speaker 1: like I was like, well, why would you say that?
Speaker 1: And he's like, but why would you say that? And
Speaker 1: so we're like in the middle, and so it's at
Speaker 1: a point where it's like we have to go, and
Speaker 1: he's like, Okay, well I guess i'll see tomorrow, and
Speaker 1: I go, I want to I have I have a
Speaker 1: surprise for you, and he was like what. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: just like, there's I'm dressed all slutty underneath this and
Speaker 1: he's like wait what. And I was just gonna flash
Speaker 1: him like in my parking garage and he's like you are,
Speaker 1: and I go, can I just show you? And he's like,
Speaker 1: I think it'd be better when we're like better and
Speaker 1: I go, I go no, he goes, I think it'd
Speaker 1: be better when we could actually like touch each other.
Speaker 1: Because he couldn't spend the night he was like, what
Speaker 1: about when we can actually like do something with it,
Speaker 1: and I go, but just like now please, and he
Speaker 1: was like really like I think it'd be better, and
Speaker 1: I go, just for your spank bank. And it was
Speaker 1: so good because it got him out of like whatever
Speaker 1: mood he was in. He was like kind of mad
Speaker 1: at me. Probably I was mad at him, but he
Speaker 1: was like annoyed with me, and it just like cut
Speaker 1: him out of it because I go, it was for
Speaker 1: your spank bank, meaning like you can think about it
Speaker 1: later and dirt off. And then I just like unbuttoned
Speaker 1: it and like opened up and he was like that
Speaker 1: is really good, and then he and then we just
Speaker 1: parted ways. It was like a drug deal, but where
Speaker 1: I just showed him like a tit um. Do you
Speaker 1: have little fun things like that ever, like just like
Speaker 1: horny jokes? No, I can't think of them because you're
Speaker 1: like I don't. I don't think I have any. All
Speaker 1: mine are like goofy, like just working in the kitchen
Speaker 1: out of nowhere. That's cute. I just had one the
Speaker 1: other day, like just say something to Avy and then
Speaker 1: I'll just like really quickly, I'll be like oh, and
Speaker 1: then you're gonna come in a face later, and I
Speaker 1: was like, yes, yes, yes, that's so good. And then
Speaker 1: like the casually like we'll go to home depot and
Speaker 1: then we gotta get that we gotta plug in that
Speaker 1: new um, you know, the new faucet and have that
Speaker 1: so and then you come on my face like like that.
Speaker 1: It's exactly started to think of had another one. I
Speaker 1: always just after sex and like, oh god, that was good.
Speaker 1: I'm always just like momy like and he's just like stopping.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh god, I feel like I just
Speaker 1: gave birth. Like I'll just say weird ship that He's
Speaker 1: just like I don't even know what any of that means,
Speaker 1: but it's obviously like I'm just like kind of I'm
Speaker 1: like five stars formidable performance. I'm just like call Cisco neighbor,
Speaker 1: because that's one's getting in the books. Like I just
Speaker 1: say weird ship, but like it's and I have, um,
Speaker 1: I screenshot it, um whoever makes our stills for the
Speaker 1: YouTube video Baravo. They always look so good. And the
Speaker 1: other day they had Chris's and I was like on
Speaker 1: my YouTube looking at my new you know, the new
Speaker 1: videos put up, and I saw Chris's face, and I
Speaker 1: was like, that guy's fucking hot and I was like,
Speaker 1: it's fine, and it was so nice. And then I
Speaker 1: sent him a picture and I go, uh, we have
Speaker 1: a problem. There's like too hot of a guy on
Speaker 1: YouTube and we have to pull this video. So and
Speaker 1: he was like loved it, thank you, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you. Look at this. This is not okay.
Speaker 1: Things need to change. Rapiats just getting mad about how
Speaker 1: he was and then I um put that I screenshot
Speaker 1: at that still and it's now my it's not it's
Speaker 1: not my spake bank, it's on my phone. It replaced
Speaker 1: Leon Sealy and his baby and because his face just
Speaker 1: looks so cute and we didn't even talk about how
Speaker 1: into his fucking hair, how sexual it is to me
Speaker 1: when he was on. But um, it was good. It
Speaker 1: was so fun. Well, so this has been the show.
Speaker 1: Fan tax was amazing. Thank you all for listening, Thank
Speaker 1: you for coming to shows. This week, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: in New Haven, Connecticut, and then I'm going to be
Speaker 1: in um New York City at the Beacon Theater on Saturday.
Speaker 1: Tickets available still to each shows, I think, but they
Speaker 1: are running low. So if you want to go, and
Speaker 1: also if you want to do a meet and greet,
Speaker 1: just message me UM in my d M s and
Speaker 1: let me know and UM And then just announced I'm
Speaker 1: doing a kind of I don't think you'd call it
Speaker 1: a residency, but I have force weekends of dates with
Speaker 1: David Spade in Las Vegas at the Venetian and that
Speaker 1: is so exciting. Sale for that started today on Tuesday, UM,
Speaker 1: and you can get the link at my So like,
Speaker 1: if you want to plan a trip to Vegas, plan
Speaker 1: it around these shows. I want to do shows that
Speaker 1: David Spade the rest of my life, so please let's
Speaker 1: sell us out. So it's me and David Spade April
Speaker 1: July one, September twenty nine, thirty, November seventeenth and eighteenth,
Speaker 1: So get your gals together, get your guys together, come
Speaker 1: out and see us in Vegas. Pre sale is on now.
Speaker 1: You can find that at my Instagram. And don't Peke
Speaker 1: and Jack Daniels