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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the PhD

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Speaker 1: podcast It Sugar eban A. Before we begin, let's do

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Speaker 1: a little bit of housekeeping. UM, make sure you follow

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Speaker 1: me on Instagram at the Professional home Girl. Also for

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Speaker 1: the podcast the p h G podcast, and also I

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Speaker 1: just launched my own beauty line called eban A Beauty.

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Speaker 1: UM My mink lashes are beautiful. My guest has them

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Speaker 1: on now. UM if you want to see you'll get

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Speaker 1: a preview of the latest collection, the pH G collection.

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Speaker 1: You can either follow me on Instagram at eban A

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Speaker 1: Beauty E B O N E B e A U

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Speaker 1: T y, or you can visit the website at www

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Speaker 1: dot evan a beauty dot com. So let's jump right

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Speaker 1: into this episode. As you know, I don't have the

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Speaker 1: luxury of introducing my guests. All of my guests are anonymous,

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Speaker 1: So for this week episode, I thought that we switched

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Speaker 1: it up a little bit. UM. I didn't know about

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Speaker 1: this topic until I met my guests and she expressed

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Speaker 1: to me how it's been very painful for her to

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Speaker 1: have sexual in the course. And I thought this topic

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Speaker 1: was intriguing because I know after a long day, either

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Speaker 1: I want to drink or I want to bust a nut.

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Speaker 1: So with that being said, please tell us a little

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Speaker 1: bit about your experience with sex. So sex for me, um,

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Speaker 1: just to preface this with my sexual history actually having sex, um,

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Speaker 1: my parents did speak a lot about it. It was

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Speaker 1: always uh no, don't even think about doing that. So

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Speaker 1: anything that I did learn about sex was through my

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Speaker 1: health class and high school friends who are having which

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Speaker 1: is not the best teacher. Yeah, friends who are having sex,

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Speaker 1: and porn actually to believe it or not, which I

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Speaker 1: knew later on. I was just like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: this is terrible. Right. But the first time I actually

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Speaker 1: had uh sexual intercourse with penetration, um, well pagional penetration,

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Speaker 1: i should say, was when I was twenty one. I

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Speaker 1: did it with one of my friends at the time,

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Speaker 1: which I figured it was safe and cool. Um. And

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Speaker 1: one thing that I had remembered from just previous conversations

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Speaker 1: with my friends is that they would all say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it hurts at first, but it would feel better the

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Speaker 1: you know, the longer you do it. So you know,

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Speaker 1: he's you know, doing his thing, and I'm just laying

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Speaker 1: there and I'm like, when does it start to feel better?

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Speaker 1: So it was paying for pretty much about the whole

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Speaker 1: It was just it just felt like I just felt

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Speaker 1: like there was something inside of me. There was nothing

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Speaker 1: feeling good. It was just like it was just it

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Speaker 1: just felt like a lot of friction and rubbing where

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Speaker 1: you Yes, I was, and I know that's like a

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Speaker 1: big thing for a lot of women. It is more

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Speaker 1: painful if you're not wet, So I know I was

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Speaker 1: definitely aroused, like I wanted to do it, but it's

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Speaker 1: just feeling like, so did you tell him that it

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Speaker 1: was painful? And maybe we need to like no, see,

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Speaker 1: And that's one of the things that I've learned throughout

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Speaker 1: my journey with my partners is just to be more memunicative.

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Speaker 1: But um no, I didn't tell him anything because I thought,

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Speaker 1: you know, this is my first time. It's supposed to

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Speaker 1: be from your friends, that the first time is supposed

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Speaker 1: to be hurt, right, Yeah, But yeah, that whole time,

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Speaker 1: I was just kind of like laying there and then

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Speaker 1: when he finished, I was just like, oh, that's it.

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Speaker 1: I kind of don't want to do this again. Um

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Speaker 1: So after that, I actually didn't have sex for a

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Speaker 1: really long time because I was like, well, if that's

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Speaker 1: what it is. I don't want it um, you know.

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Speaker 1: And then with my next partner, it was kind of

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Speaker 1: like the same thing. But then I thought, okay, well

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Speaker 1: he's a little bit bigger. It's definitely gonna another thing.

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Speaker 1: I felt like my limbs were being torn. It hurts

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Speaker 1: so much, and he barely had anything and it was

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Speaker 1: just a tip and I'm like, yeah, I like walk

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Speaker 1: us through. So it was so painful because I know,

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Speaker 1: like when I'm in pain, like my stomachs are hurt

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Speaker 1: and I get the swend, like I feel like I

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Speaker 1: got up like yeah, I mean, so with him again,

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Speaker 1: it just felt like my twisshoe walls are going to rip,

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Speaker 1: like that's what it felt like. It hit so much

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Speaker 1: and oh my god, yeah, it just felt like a

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Speaker 1: ripping like I felt like I was being ripped open.

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Speaker 1: And then when he was like fully inside, I just

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Speaker 1: felt like full like I felt. Did you tell on

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Speaker 1: the stock um after a while, yeah, I mean, because

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Speaker 1: it's just kind of embarrassing to for me to trying to,

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Speaker 1: you know, have a connection with your partner and you

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Speaker 1: have to stop every few minutes or seconds. And then

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Speaker 1: after while, I was just like, no, I can't do this,

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Speaker 1: So did you ever went to the doctor or After

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Speaker 1: years and years and years of dealing with it, I

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Speaker 1: finally went to my going to collegees and I was

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Speaker 1: just like, you know, I have a question, you know,

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Speaker 1: and sex doesn't feel good to me. So I actually

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Speaker 1: went to two doctors. One doctor um, when she was

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Speaker 1: examining me, she was like, oh, your muscles rushed strong.

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Speaker 1: I was like okay. She was like, you know, that's

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Speaker 1: that's good for the man, but it's not so much

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Speaker 1: good for you. And basically what she meant that I'm

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Speaker 1: like super super tight, like I'm really small down there.

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Speaker 1: And she suggested kind of like doing exercises to stretch

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Speaker 1: them out, so using like dilators and things of that nature.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't really want to stretch

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Speaker 1: it right, because I mean I kind of just always

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Speaker 1: considered having loose Jana is a bad thing, but maybe

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Speaker 1: for me maybe a good thing. So but none of less,

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Speaker 1: I didn't try. I was like nah. And then I

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Speaker 1: went to another doctor, which I feel like she was

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Speaker 1: a little bit more thorough um, and she actually told

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Speaker 1: me that my uterus was slanted, so she was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe you would have to when you do

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Speaker 1: have intercourse to have them go at an angle so

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Speaker 1: towards my left side, because she was like a hook. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so maybe someone was a little bit more sense, but

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Speaker 1: she was just like yeah, because otherwise he's hitting your

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Speaker 1: uterus and that's but yeah. So then I was just like, okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe so with So the next time I had InterQuest

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Speaker 1: with my same partner, we tried it at you know

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Speaker 1: how she said, at an angle, and it did help,

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Speaker 1: like it wasn't as uncomfortable, but I still wasn't feeling

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Speaker 1: any pleasure. It was just have you ever felt pleasure? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Not not by a penetration, so obviously when you receive

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Speaker 1: head and stuff. Yeah, because it's not like something that's

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Speaker 1: actually corn. Yeah. The only time my climax is by

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Speaker 1: Clear's actions. So um, So I think this is so

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Speaker 1: funny because like I've been normally my guest for like

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Speaker 1: almost a year now, and I was so intrigued by this.

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Speaker 1: So I started doing research and I was looking at

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Speaker 1: the girl. I found a doctor for you, and I

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Speaker 1: was doing research and it was a video on YouTube

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Speaker 1: and we talked about this. Um this woman the doctor

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Speaker 1: like stick the cue tip or something to her and

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Speaker 1: she was going crazy. It's crazy because I thought it

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Speaker 1: was just me. I was like, damn, something's wrong with me. Great,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm not going there's a lot of women like yeah.

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Speaker 1: I didn't really know it was a thing until that conversation.

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Speaker 1: Until I saw these Cupid I was like, oh, wow,

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Speaker 1: there's really a thing that there are women who just

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Speaker 1: don't enjoy sex. Now, the woman that was basically crying

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Speaker 1: by the doctor putting a cue at my situation is

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Speaker 1: not like that, mind you. When I get pap smears, yes,

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Speaker 1: it's the most uncomfortable thing ever. And you know, I

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Speaker 1: can stand the pain going through sexual in of course,

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Speaker 1: but it's just like I just don't feel anything. It's

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Speaker 1: like there's no sensation down there at all. So have

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Speaker 1: you thought about experience and other partners, like other women?

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Speaker 1: And the reason why I asked because I always feel

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Speaker 1: like when I do speak to like my lesbian friends,

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Speaker 1: they always tell me like that's how I know I'm

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Speaker 1: not into men because the ship hurts, It don't feel good.

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Speaker 1: They don't do nothing for me. And of course you're anatomy,

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Speaker 1: like you're gonna get wet because you're excited. Your body

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Speaker 1: can't help what it likes, but it's just like ship,

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Speaker 1: I want to sucking what's a nut? Like? Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: I actually did end up having sex with a woman,

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Speaker 1: and not because like I was going through something where

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Speaker 1: like you know, forget these man I'm not, but it

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Speaker 1: was actually like a real connection, right. Um, just like

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Speaker 1: super quick backstory. In high school, I kind of saw

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Speaker 1: myself being attracted to women. Well, I would just pay

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Speaker 1: attention to them a lot more, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: why am I looking at these girls as like why

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Speaker 1: am I like observing that girls? And like I see

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Speaker 1: it pretty Goo'm like, oh, she's really right. Yeah, so

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Speaker 1: that's what I thought. So I was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe it's because you know, I admire the body of

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Speaker 1: a woman because I am a woman. Also, I was

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Speaker 1: super artsy in high school, so I was like, you

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Speaker 1: still are artsy. Well it's not as much now, but

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Speaker 1: you know, at the time, I thought like, oh, maybe

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Speaker 1: it's just because I'm super into art and I love

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Speaker 1: drawing the female anatomy. So seriously. So fast forward to

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Speaker 1: you know, I graduate high school and in college and

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Speaker 1: in my orientation and I see this woman and so

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Speaker 1: I was a freshman. She had to be like a

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Speaker 1: sophomore junior. And it was just like an immediate like

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Speaker 1: a magnetic attraction, and like it's not love at first

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Speaker 1: sight because I wasn't in love with her, but I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, like I have to get

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Speaker 1: to know what I have to be, like, I just

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Speaker 1: have to be in her presence. But I'm super shy,

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Speaker 1: so I'm not gonna, you know, approach you or anything,

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Speaker 1: but I will watch you from a distance, you know.

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Speaker 1: Not that's like that the Netflix show you. Um, I'm

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Speaker 1: just playing. I wasn't stalking the girl, but I was

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Speaker 1: just but you know, if I saw her on campus,

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Speaker 1: I would just be so in awe. And it wasn't like,

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Speaker 1: you know, she how do you feel like that with

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Speaker 1: a man? So that no, like there have been men

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Speaker 1: that you know, I've been in love with, you know,

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Speaker 1: but that but that first immediate like first sight attraction.

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Speaker 1: Now it was just her. So I don't know how

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Speaker 1: the universe ended up getting us together. But you know,

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Speaker 1: when you think what you are or you are what

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Speaker 1: you think. So when you think about seven certain things,

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Speaker 1: it just comes to you because you put it out

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Speaker 1: there in the universe, specially if you're speaking about it. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: so we ended up just like you know, hanging out,

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Speaker 1: kicking it in her dorm room. And then one day,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, like we just ended up. We ended

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Speaker 1: up making out, and so we didn't have sex at

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Speaker 1: that moment. We didn't have sex like years later, but

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Speaker 1: I was just like seeing freaking fireworks and I remember

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Speaker 1: going home that night thinking like, oh my god's gay.

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Speaker 1: What's going I was just like this is so exciting.

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Speaker 1: But you know, fast forwarding to like my sexual experience

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Speaker 1: with her, I would say she gave me the best

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Speaker 1: sex ever. Like I will say that the day I died,

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Speaker 1: whether we end up together in the future or not,

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Speaker 1: if I'm married to a man or whatever. That was

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Speaker 1: she you know, it was the best sex. And it

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Speaker 1: was because there was no penetration, Like it was a

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Speaker 1: lot of like yeah, and that's and for me, that's

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Speaker 1: what gets me off and that's what makes me climax.

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Speaker 1: So it's unfortunate. What do you think? So, have you

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Speaker 1: ever spoke to a partner that you've been with that

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Speaker 1: was a man that and you told him exactly like, hey,

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Speaker 1: let's try something else, let's do something different, Like like,

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Speaker 1: have you ever been open open enough to a man like, Hey, like,

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Speaker 1: I have a couple of issues when it comes to penetration,

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Speaker 1: so let's try to do it this way. Only done

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Speaker 1: it with my long term partners, so I would say

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Speaker 1: my last I would say real boyfriend or someone I

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Speaker 1: was seriously and too. We did have a lot of

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Speaker 1: conversations about it, um and mind you, we tried a

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Speaker 1: lot of positions. We ended up buying like Lou because

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Speaker 1: we figured that you know, the water I am, the

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Speaker 1: easier it is, UM. And you know, it helped, I

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Speaker 1: think because he and I had a connection at the time,

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Speaker 1: like its a lot easier, Like he was my best friend.

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Speaker 1: You know, I wasn't like we were in love with

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Speaker 1: each other and we had a connection and felt better

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Speaker 1: mentally for me knowing that he was getting pleasure, but

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Speaker 1: physically I still wasn't really receiving any pleasure. And he

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Speaker 1: felt really bad. He was just like, you know, I

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Speaker 1: want you to feel what I Yeah, yeah, I felt

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Speaker 1: really bad for but like, you know, he was really

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Speaker 1: really really sweet about it, but he was just like, damn,

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Speaker 1: like I feel bad that I'm getting mine, but you're

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Speaker 1: not really getting yours in the way that we can

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Speaker 1: both you know, receive so I mean for him, you know,

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Speaker 1: he would have to give me head for like a

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Speaker 1: really long time. That's not you know, yeah, but you

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Speaker 1: know what, honestly, yeah it was. It sucks. Um. But

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Speaker 1: like for my other partners that you know, they would

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Speaker 1: just be flings, just like your friends of benefits of

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Speaker 1: someone I'm just working with. Um. I did not really

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Speaker 1: have those conversations because we were just sucking. And I

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Speaker 1: feel like, but how can you just be fucking if

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Speaker 1: it was like uncomfortable for you? Because you know it's

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Speaker 1: so it's I and you know what, my friends asked

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Speaker 1: me that all the time. They're like, it's not you're

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Speaker 1: sucking one if it's painful, I know, but I kind

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Speaker 1: of like psyched myself out. I'm like, I'm going there

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to write that dick, because seriously, that's

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Speaker 1: my mentality. Yes it hurts, and yes it's uncomfortable, but

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Speaker 1: it's like I still want it, like I'm just trying

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Speaker 1: so hard to enjoy it. Um. But yeah, it would

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Speaker 1: just end up the same all the time, like damn yeah,

258
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Speaker 1: because I want to go to sleep, the kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: So I remember you saying like when you had your

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Speaker 1: experience with the um with the woman he was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm gay or anything like how did

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Speaker 1: that feel like afterwards? Like did you like feel like

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Speaker 1: it was something wrong with you? Or like, you know,

264
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Speaker 1: I can imagine like it's something enjoying sex more with

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Speaker 1: a woman than with a man. Yeah, like were you

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Speaker 1: being with your long term relationships with women and you

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Speaker 1: felt like, you know, you felt kind of down And

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Speaker 1: if a guy is really into you and he really

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Speaker 1: loves you and he can't please you the way that

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Speaker 1: he that you want to be pleased, like I can

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Speaker 1: only imagine the conversations y'all had with in your relationship. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's definitely a conflict. I didn't think anything was wrong

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Speaker 1: with me, but now I'm just like, well, ship, Like

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Speaker 1: what am I gonna do? Because I enjoy having sex

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Speaker 1: with a woman, But mind you, the woman that I

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Speaker 1: was with, she's the only woman that I've ever been

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Speaker 1: attracted to in that sense. Like, yes, I think women

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Speaker 1: in general are attractive and I can see a woman

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Speaker 1: and we're like, oh, she's beautiful, but it's never been

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Speaker 1: at a point where I'm like I want to have

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Speaker 1: an intimate relationship with her or you know, a romantic relationship.

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Speaker 1: UM it's or for the most part, it's been that

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Speaker 1: way with men by default. But the kinds you that

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Speaker 1: I've had with my ex girlfriend at the time, it

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Speaker 1: is never the same as a man. So right now

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Speaker 1: I'm at a conflict where it was just like, well,

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Speaker 1: do I want to be with a woman be just

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Speaker 1: because I get more sexual pleasure or am I just

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Speaker 1: gonna have to stick it out and end up being

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Speaker 1: with a man that you know, knowing that I'm never

291
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Speaker 1: gonna have pleasure having. But is this something that you

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Speaker 1: can go to a doctor and you and possibly get fixed.

293
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Speaker 1: So there's no cure and you and I have talked,

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Speaker 1: but you did find a specialist who kind of I

295
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,040
Speaker 1: was up at like two o'clock in the morning, y'all.

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Speaker 1: I was like, Yeah, we're gonna get you to this

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Speaker 1: nut we're nutting in twenty eight because when I was

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Speaker 1: on my research, UM, some of the reason why UM

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Speaker 1: sex can be painful us because like not enough that

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Speaker 1: adual lubrication. Uh five boys, um ovarre problems, menopause, which

301
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,400
Speaker 1: obviously my guests don't have UM injury to the volva,

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Speaker 1: like maybe somebody ripped something or like something something had

303
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,080
Speaker 1: to happened inside of you. Um or like a rough

304
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,640
Speaker 1: sex which can be like extremely painful caused I don't

305
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,400
Speaker 1: like to be roughed up, like save that ship for

306
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,960
Speaker 1: somebody else. Um or like negative negative feelings towards openis

307
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Speaker 1: like because I know when I was growing up and

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Speaker 1: I'm from the South, a lot of people like we

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Speaker 1: gotta wait to you marry if you don't have a sex,

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Speaker 1: if you have sex before you marry, or you have

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Speaker 1: sex now you consider a whole or like you can

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Speaker 1: get pregnant, and that was scared. They used to scared

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Speaker 1: of ship at me when I was growing up. So

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Speaker 1: I can imagine with you, and we spoke about this early,

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Speaker 1: especially you being from um you being Haitian and I

316
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,320
Speaker 1: was thinking, to somebody else, that's Haatian, And I'm realizing

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00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,640
Speaker 1: that especially in the West Indian community. You know, it's

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00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,640
Speaker 1: kind of like the same with being from the South. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of there's not enough education sex. And

320
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Speaker 1: as I stated in the beginning, like my parents are

321
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,160
Speaker 1: just like, no, you're not you're not doing it. Um.

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Speaker 1: I mean that's yeah. I was definitely like always super

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Speaker 1: nervous having sex because again I was always nervous that

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Speaker 1: I would had something, even though I always whose protection

325
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,040
Speaker 1: for the most part, especially when STDs nothing called you

326
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:10,359
Speaker 1: go off STD. I was so right listen, even with

327
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:15,280
Speaker 1: four put on a condom, but we're not. When I

328
00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:19,720
Speaker 1: first realized you can get pregnant from free comp you

329
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,119
Speaker 1: don't know how many pregnancy scares that I you. Oh

330
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,760
Speaker 1: my goodness, I'm like, but there was stuff and did

331
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,520
Speaker 1: it come. It's so crazy and a lot of times,

332
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,119
Speaker 1: like people don't realize that you put that negative connotation

333
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,600
Speaker 1: with me. It's scared of shout of these girls. I

334
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,679
Speaker 1: was super scared of catching in the TD. I was

335
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,280
Speaker 1: super scared of becoming pregnant. Like becoming pregnant for me

336
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,600
Speaker 1: was like the worst. Yes, the same for me, Yeah,

337
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,280
Speaker 1: because I had an aunt manger. She was a grown woman,

338
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,639
Speaker 1: but she got pregnant and the man kind of like left.

339
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Speaker 1: So my parents always used that story on me, like

340
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,239
Speaker 1: look what happened to your aunt herself? And I'm just, oh,

341
00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:01,879
Speaker 1: damn sh it, Like you know, I don't want to

342
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:05,480
Speaker 1: be like that. So I would definitely say, you know,

343
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,760
Speaker 1: when I did have sex, I think that would always

344
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:13,120
Speaker 1: be in the back of my mind. Um, along with

345
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,280
Speaker 1: knowing like ship, this ship is going to hurt, and

346
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:22,800
Speaker 1: I know I'm not going to enjoy this, right, So yeah,

347
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,879
Speaker 1: they're definitely there were some negative thoughts, um, but I

348
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,600
Speaker 1: think for the most part, a lot of the men

349
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,600
Speaker 1: that I've dealt, but they were really nice. You know.

350
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,680
Speaker 1: There was never anyone who wanted to like just choke

351
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:38,040
Speaker 1: me out or you know, do some crazy shit. I mean,

352
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,479
Speaker 1: I think some of them did get a little bit

353
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,639
Speaker 1: too excited and they were acting like point stars that

354
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,080
Speaker 1: I'd be like, what are you doing? Like, yeah, I

355
00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:49,920
Speaker 1: mean the last situation you told me about, so you

356
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,800
Speaker 1: gotta tell the listeners about this, this last session you

357
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,479
Speaker 1: had with this just having sex. But I felt so

358
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,680
Speaker 1: uncomfortable when you was telling me because I was like

359
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,399
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, like I felt okay. So one thing that

360
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,720
Speaker 1: I always tell myself, like I'm not gonna feel bad about,

361
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:13,040
Speaker 1: you know, my sexual encounters with people, Yes, right, but

362
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,360
Speaker 1: this last one, like I felt bad because I think

363
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:19,240
Speaker 1: that on my part, I didn't make it enjoyable, enjoyable

364
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:27,399
Speaker 1: for him at all. I So my last sexual encounter

365
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,280
Speaker 1: a few months ago, and I was dealing with someone

366
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:35,960
Speaker 1: who's a little younger than me, um, and it was

367
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:39,880
Speaker 1: so I don't even know, but it was bad because

368
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,359
Speaker 1: again I kind of tricked myself into thinking like this

369
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Speaker 1: is gonna be good. This is gonna be my moment

370
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,719
Speaker 1: where it feels good. Mind you, it was not feeling

371
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,480
Speaker 1: good at all. But I didn't tell him to stop

372
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,960
Speaker 1: normally like with other people that I'm you, don't tell

373
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Speaker 1: him stop. I don't know, man. I was just like,

374
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,240
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna thug it out and I'm

375
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,600
Speaker 1: just gonna take it. And it was really bad because

376
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:08,960
Speaker 1: he was I really yeah, but it was just so bad,

377
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,520
Speaker 1: like I felt like I was going to throw up.

378
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,800
Speaker 1: It wasn't feeling good. And then I was just like yo,

379
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:20,439
Speaker 1: like but also my body when I'm in pain like

380
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,679
Speaker 1: that or just uncomfortable, my body like turns this up.

381
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,640
Speaker 1: And my hands were like pushed back. So he kept

382
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:30,760
Speaker 1: like you know because running from yeah, yeah, yeah, he

383
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,639
Speaker 1: had to take my hands and hold it back and

384
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,240
Speaker 1: I'm like no, no, no, I'm in pain. Stop. So

385
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 1: I mean I felt bad because he was like, do

386
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,200
Speaker 1: you want to do it in the shower and I'm

387
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,440
Speaker 1: like in the shower, I was like what. I felt

388
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,040
Speaker 1: bad because I was yelling at I was like, why

389
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,520
Speaker 1: would made you think at the show? He's like, I

390
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,480
Speaker 1: don't know, it might be you know a little. I'm like, no,

391
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 1: it's like just hurry up. So and you could tell

392
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,400
Speaker 1: like the poor kid was just focusing. Like I think

393
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:59,200
Speaker 1: me yelling at him made him lose his ego a

394
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,960
Speaker 1: little bit, but I mean he got his I guess

395
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,440
Speaker 1: that was the goal, right, No, No, no, the goal

396
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,920
Speaker 1: is for you. But the goal is for you. The

397
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,840
Speaker 1: bus are good nut, Yeah, it doesn't happen, man, No,

398
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,879
Speaker 1: we're gonna get you to that nut. Yeah. So right

399
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,480
Speaker 1: now my goal at some point, I do want to

400
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,200
Speaker 1: make an appointment with that specialist because I do feel

401
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:27,639
Speaker 1: it's super important to really. Yeah, so you're going to

402
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 1: release that ship? Yeah, I mean you know, and vibrators

403
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 1: aren't going to cut it. No, I'll be wearing my

404
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,560
Speaker 1: vibrant out. But I mean yeah, like me too. But

405
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,360
Speaker 1: then after watch, just like damn, like I can't keep

406
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,560
Speaker 1: doing this again? Right, Um, yeah, that is a goal

407
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 1: of mine to see a specialist to see if there

408
00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:47,199
Speaker 1: are other options or something that can make this a

409
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,600
Speaker 1: bit more enjoyable for me at least. So I know

410
00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 1: earlier were talking about you know, because you're pretty close

411
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,720
Speaker 1: to your dad, and like I was pretty I was

412
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 1: really close to my grandmother grandmother, so I used to

413
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,480
Speaker 1: always any and everything because I knew she wouldn't like

414
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,680
Speaker 1: going to judge me or anything or like and really

415
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,040
Speaker 1: just keeping one hunding me. So we was having a

416
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 1: conversation earlier before we started recording, and you was telling

417
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: me about how you felt like what's the word you felt? Lonely? Maybe? Yeah,

418
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 1: like with my because I can imagine with you in

419
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 1: your situation and like you're not being a young girl,

420
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,880
Speaker 1: like you're not being able to like fully express yourself

421
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 1: or you don't know what's going on. And then like, um,

422
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 1: how did I feel talking to your dad about that though? Like,

423
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 1: so he is a man, you know, man will be understanding. Yeah.

424
00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,520
Speaker 1: So there are two specific moments with my father that

425
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:50,159
Speaker 1: I remember talking to him about just my sexual history

426
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,280
Speaker 1: and just preference. So the first time you must be

427
00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: really close with your dad to talk to him he

428
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,399
Speaker 1: is like my best friend, Like I don't know what

429
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:02,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do when you know he's no longer with us.

430
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:06,960
Speaker 1: But um, so the first time that I told him

431
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:15,400
Speaker 1: that I was I would say, like maybe nineteen twenty. Um,

432
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 1: it was when me and my girlfriend, the woman that

433
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,359
Speaker 1: I had an experienced with, broke up, and I was

434
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:25,120
Speaker 1: just so depressed, like I was just so in love

435
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,960
Speaker 1: with her. That was her first heartbreak, like my first

436
00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 1: real detriments on one. Yeah. So I just remember just

437
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,439
Speaker 1: moping around the house, just being in my room. I

438
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: wasn't really eating. I was crying a lot. Like my

439
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 1: dad didn't know why. My sister was pissed because she

440
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: knew the situation and she was just really upset. So

441
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: one day, you know, I had to tell my dad like,

442
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,960
Speaker 1: you know, um, I'm sad because I was in this

443
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 1: relationship and I was with a woman and you know,

444
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:53,960
Speaker 1: and my dad he was just, you know, he was

445
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 1: super supportive. Mind you. I feel like a lot of

446
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,720
Speaker 1: Caribbean parents made not take that very well. But my

447
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,119
Speaker 1: dad he's very liberal and he's very understanding, so he

448
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 1: was just like, well, he was like, well, what's wrong

449
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 1: with men? Like do you not like man? And I

450
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: told him, I was like, you know, being intimate with

451
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,159
Speaker 1: a man is it's not really enjoyable for me? And

452
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, I don't, you know, I

453
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 1: don't feel pleasure don't feel fulfillment, so and I firstly

454
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: thought it was a face. He was just like, yeah,

455
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 1: I understand. He was like, but I think it's something

456
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,760
Speaker 1: that you'll grow out of. And he'd be like, yeah,

457
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:36,239
Speaker 1: it's okay, baby. You know. He was like, you know,

458
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,960
Speaker 1: I had a few girlfriends at my time who ended

459
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:43,439
Speaker 1: up being lesbians, and I'm just like, okay, dad, So

460
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 1: that was the one. I mean, and it felt comforting

461
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:47,120
Speaker 1: to know that, you know, he was okay with it.

462
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,200
Speaker 1: I mean, mind you he was like, I don't tell

463
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,040
Speaker 1: your mother because my mother, my step mom, she's like

464
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,920
Speaker 1: super hardcore Catholic. You know, does she even know that?

465
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: I yeah. It came to a point where I was

466
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,960
Speaker 1: actually really nervous because even though me and my girlfriend,

467
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 1: like for ten years, like we've just been on and off,

468
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,280
Speaker 1: on and off, on and off, um, and this last

469
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,679
Speaker 1: year or the last few months that we were together,

470
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,240
Speaker 1: like I really thought we were going to make it,

471
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: and we were talking about marriage, and I remember my

472
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,160
Speaker 1: sister would be like, I don't know how you're gonna

473
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 1: tell the family because nobody likes her. And I'm like,

474
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,479
Speaker 1: oh god, so, but I mean it didn't end up

475
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 1: working out, so I didn't have to tell anyone. Um so.

476
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,920
Speaker 1: I mean that was that. But then the other experience

477
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: that I've had having to talk to my dad was

478
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 1: when I first lost my virginity and I was crying

479
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,360
Speaker 1: just because not because of like how much it hurt

480
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:47,399
Speaker 1: or whatever, but just because, like the guy that I

481
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,480
Speaker 1: had lost my virginity to, yes, we were friends when

482
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:55,879
Speaker 1: I actually really liked them, And the day after we

483
00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:58,879
Speaker 1: had sex, I was just like, so, how did it

484
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: feel for you? And he was just like, it's sex.

485
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, okay, you know, I thought he'd

486
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 1: be like, oh it was great. I enjoyed, I enjoyed you.

487
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,800
Speaker 1: He was just like, it's just sex. And I'm like, ye,

488
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,359
Speaker 1: so yeah, I think And that also just pays a

489
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,200
Speaker 1: part with um you know, my view and sex. It's

490
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,840
Speaker 1: just that I think men they just think sex, yeah,

491
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,159
Speaker 1: And I feel like for me being a woman, like

492
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: it's more of a connection. Um So. And then shortly

493
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:32,200
Speaker 1: after that, I realized that he got with this girl

494
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,800
Speaker 1: who I did not like because she just treated him

495
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 1: so badly, and I was like, I don't know why

496
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,760
Speaker 1: you're with Like you're trying to be with someone who

497
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,679
Speaker 1: can't love you or doesn't want to love you. Meanwhile,

498
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 1: I'm here and I just gave something to you, and

499
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,680
Speaker 1: you know, I knew me something, so that hurt a lot.

500
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 1: And I remember me breaking down and I didn't even

501
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,840
Speaker 1: want to tell my dad and I just remember me

502
00:26:54,000 --> 00:27:01,160
Speaker 1: like sitting on the floor crying and like my dad

503
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,560
Speaker 1: was just so scared. He because it's not something happened

504
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:08,120
Speaker 1: to me like that was just like, nah, I don't

505
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,240
Speaker 1: tell me, don't tell me. And I was just like,

506
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 1: you know, um, I lost my virginity and he just

507
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,560
Speaker 1: didn't even care. And like my dad, he's not a

508
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,000
Speaker 1: very like he's not going to coddle you. You know,

509
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 1: he's not gonna be like, oh baby, it's okay. But

510
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 1: he was just like, you know, he was like, you

511
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 1: know what, stuff, this is a good lesson for you

512
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,919
Speaker 1: to learn, because he was like men are dogs and

513
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: they would say anything and everything they want and he

514
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 1: was like, you know, you have to be smarter than

515
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 1: that and wipe on the air. I don't want you

516
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 1: if you make up. And I don't know, man, I

517
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: don't know why that just brought so much out of

518
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 1: me right now, but I was just like, ship, do

519
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,720
Speaker 1: you think that experience. You know, I don't have your story.

520
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,119
Speaker 1: I'm act no. Yeah. So then you know after that,

521
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,360
Speaker 1: you know, because I would have really hurt my feelings, like,

522
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,440
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm dealing with that. Yeah, why I

523
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 1: gave you something that cannot get to anybody else and

524
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 1: you're gonna make a comment like that. Like it was.

525
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,159
Speaker 1: It was super crazy and like you know, again like

526
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,120
Speaker 1: my Daddy's not gonna call me. But I did see

527
00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:12,120
Speaker 1: the hurt in him, Like I knew that he fell

528
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 1: back because I'm like kids for his daughter, you know,

529
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,600
Speaker 1: I'm definitely like a daddy's girl, and he was just like,

530
00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:18,760
Speaker 1: you know, it's what I tried to focus on school.

531
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: You know, it's just like, oh god, but don't know, man,

532
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: when I see their daughter like going through that. Yeah.

533
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,600
Speaker 1: So I mean after that, I took a break from

534
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:33,880
Speaker 1: like just being with people and just a really long time,

535
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,359
Speaker 1: like I had to get my head together and like

536
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 1: realize my priorities, you know, because you know, I feel

537
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: like at the end of the day, like we all

538
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 1: want to be loved, we all want to have that

539
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 1: connection with another person. Um. So that was that, and

540
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 1: then another experience that I actually remember and all of

541
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:52,000
Speaker 1: these played into like just my overall feelings. I was

542
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: just about to say that, do you feel like all

543
00:28:53,680 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 1: these um situations that you've been through kind of the

544
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 1: overall outlook of how you feel about it's hard because

545
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 1: sex and men, And I'm just like, yeah, it's definitely

546
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 1: a confidant because at one point, like I kind of

547
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: see sex as like a form of power, you know,

548
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 1: And we had like a little conversation about this before.

549
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:16,080
Speaker 1: When you know, women, they would use their bodies so

550
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 1: their advantages to go what they want, which I kind

551
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 1: of felt sometimes. And there are also times I'm just like, no,

552
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:23,840
Speaker 1: my body is my temple and I want to give

553
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,480
Speaker 1: it to someone who's appreciative. So I'm kind of like

554
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: going back and forth with that right now. Um, And

555
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,959
Speaker 1: then I would say, I know, I said there were

556
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 1: two instances, but there was this last instance, uh happened

557
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 1: a few years ago. Like I'm okay about it now,

558
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: but this really like shapes my view on sex. And

559
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 1: it was just like I would say, after that, I

560
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,160
Speaker 1: really didn't want to have sex with anyone for the

561
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:50,600
Speaker 1: rest of my life. And it was basically, Um, I

562
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 1: went out with my aunt and she introduced me to

563
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:56,640
Speaker 1: her boyfriend and we're just all out getting drunk um,

564
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:58,200
Speaker 1: and my aunt was like, you know what, you should

565
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: just sleep over because I don't want to give you

566
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,200
Speaker 1: back to your father with you like this. So I'm like, yeah,

567
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 1: that's fine. So you know, I'm sleeping in the middle

568
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 1: of the night, I wake up and there's like someone

569
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 1: in the room with me, like, you don't tell me

570
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:14,760
Speaker 1: the story. It just came up. I'm like, oh sh

571
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 1: it um and like, you know, he's pulling down my parts.

572
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 1: Well yeah, and I'm not going to go into details

573
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 1: because because I don't want me live it. But basically,

574
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:30,120
Speaker 1: I was molested by my wild aunt's boyfriend and I

575
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:38,520
Speaker 1: was so scared. Yo, i'd be learning so much A yes,

576
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 1: so crazy. Yeah. And I just remember like thinking, it's

577
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:52,040
Speaker 1: just your aunt. Yeah so and I just remember I

578
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 1: was super scared and I just didn't know you. Oh god,

579
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: um oh am, I now I was maybe yeah, I

580
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: cannot ye then are just so fucking disgusted. I just

581
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,360
Speaker 1: remember like trying to reason with him. I'm like, yo, man,

582
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 1: aunts in the next room, if you want to fuck,

583
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,240
Speaker 1: like go fund her, like why are you in here?

584
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,720
Speaker 1: And I think he came in like twice trying to

585
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,720
Speaker 1: do something and I would be like, no, no, thank god,

586
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 1: Like he didn't rape me, but he did do some

587
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: ship to me. Um. And I just remember me waking

588
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:37,440
Speaker 1: up that morning and like and I remember just sitting

589
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 1: in the kitchen and my aunt came out. She was

590
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 1: just like, oh, your shirt ripped, like your button fell off,

591
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: and I was just like, yeah, I don't know how

592
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: that happened. He was in the room sleeping, and I

593
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: just remember, oh, man, I'm so sorry you have to

594
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:57,000
Speaker 1: go through that. And I just remember calling my brother,

595
00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 1: ask you to pick me up. Honestly, I don't know

596
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 1: how I held it all together until I got in

597
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 1: the car. I just started bawling. And my brother, he

598
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: was so sweet. He was like, did you say a

599
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:16,240
Speaker 1: brother did? Yeah? I would imagine he was like sixteen

600
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 1: or turn around. I'm like, what are you gonna do

601
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: with it? Was a grown as a man who's like

602
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 1: twice yere height. Oh good, I know he was ready

603
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,800
Speaker 1: to shoo. Well and then that's well, and that's what

604
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:29,120
Speaker 1: you know. It kind of brings me back to my

605
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 1: dad not coddling me. Like my dad was upset. He

606
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 1: was so upset, but he was like, he was just like,

607
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,320
Speaker 1: so either you stopped crying or you call the cops.

608
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 1: He was like, what do you want to do? And

609
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,840
Speaker 1: I just stopped crying and I didn't call the cops.

610
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 1: I didn't Why do you want to call the cops?

611
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 1: I don't like, I don't know. I started thinking about

612
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 1: like kind of like the statistics, because like, yes, I

613
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:00,800
Speaker 1: was drinking, and you know, it was the middle of

614
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,360
Speaker 1: the night, and I don't know, so many things could

615
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 1: have just happened. And I was afraid that you would

616
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 1: say that I was lying and that I was drunk

617
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: and whatever, so I didn't say anything. And I remember

618
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,880
Speaker 1: calling my boyfriend at the time and he came and

619
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: he was working in New Jersey, and I remember he

620
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,400
Speaker 1: drove all the way to the Bronxes to come be

621
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: with me, and I don't know, it kind of ruined

622
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 1: our relationship after that, because I mean, of course you

623
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 1: wasn't sized like I didn't want to be in anyone

624
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,480
Speaker 1: else's bed but my own. I couldn't even like sleep

625
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: most nights, and I didn't want to be insummate with him.

626
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,320
Speaker 1: It didn't happen a nice I can imagine you suffering

627
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 1: from um like like you don't want to sleep because

628
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 1: because that happened at night, so every time night would come,

629
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:45,720
Speaker 1: you would be scared or nervous or like. Yeah, so

630
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 1: I kind of felt like after that, I was just

631
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: like sex is just something of power, you know, and

632
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: I kind of used that. And then after that I

633
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 1: kind of began some unhealthy happens of just like having

634
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 1: sex with men just because like I knew they feel

635
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 1: it and they wouldn't feel that way if I wasn't,

636
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 1: you know, doing it was just a weird mentality that

637
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:12,319
Speaker 1: I had. Um, but yeah, thinking about just everything that

638
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: I went through with men and with women and just

639
00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 1: my overall sexual experience, it just kind of like shaped

640
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 1: how I view sex. So and I guess why you're

641
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: not even into Like I can see why you're not

642
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,880
Speaker 1: into sex, Like how much has happened to you? So

643
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 1: it's just like, yeah, like physically it's one thing, but

644
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: also like mentally second other things. Well, so, yeah, that's

645
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:42,400
Speaker 1: so crazy. I did not even know that. Yeah, so

646
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: where are you at now? Like how you been feeling? Like, um,

647
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 1: you know, it's I do believe like sex is a

648
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:55,360
Speaker 1: beautiful thing, and I do believe it brings partners together.

649
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,880
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously it's responsible for you know, the upkeep

650
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:01,680
Speaker 1: of our planet and multiplying and all that stuff. I

651
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:06,279
Speaker 1: do try to think of sex as a positive, you know,

652
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing. Um. I think with me, I need

653
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,640
Speaker 1: to give myself to people who truly care about me

654
00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:18,279
Speaker 1: and who want and who want to see me and

655
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 1: joy sex and happy, not just you know, use me

656
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,360
Speaker 1: for my body. Mind. I do it to myself sometimes,

657
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:28,840
Speaker 1: but um, I think right now I'm just taking the

658
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 1: time to just really explore myself and find out what,

659
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 1: like what makes me feel good. You know, I don't

660
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 1: have a partner right now. I'm not sexually involved with

661
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:42,279
Speaker 1: anyone right now, just because, um again, I want to

662
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:47,479
Speaker 1: stop that, um, that habit of just having someone there.

663
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 1: You know, I wanted to be more meaningful. I want

664
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 1: to have a connection with someone. I think it's very

665
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,680
Speaker 1: important that you're taking accountability for that, Like you want

666
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 1: to have it because that's what you want, and not

667
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: because you just want to be doing it, Like you

668
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: really want to find something that's meaningful or have not fine,

669
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 1: but have something that's meaningful mind you, Like, you know,

670
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 1: I went through this phase of just having people, you know,

671
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 1: someone that's only used for that. But you know, because

672
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,400
Speaker 1: the connection is not there, I don't feel anything mentally

673
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:22,439
Speaker 1: or physically. So what is some advice that you would

674
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:30,080
Speaker 1: give to your younger self. I would say, you know,

675
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:38,319
Speaker 1: definitely make the decisions regarding sex for me. Yeah, not

676
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 1: because or I want him to like me or you know,

677
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,160
Speaker 1: I want him to take me seriously, make me his

678
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 1: girlfriend and things like that. You know, I when I

679
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 1: first had sex, I did it because well, yeah I

680
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,200
Speaker 1: wanted to, but also I thought like, well maybe if

681
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,080
Speaker 1: I did this, I could make me his girlfriend and

682
00:36:57,120 --> 00:37:01,759
Speaker 1: he didn't. You know. Um. Also, one thing that I'm

683
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 1: working on is communication. It's super super important to communicate

684
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:08,320
Speaker 1: with your partner the things that you do like and

685
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: the things that work for you, and you both can find,

686
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,240
Speaker 1: you know, some piece in the midd where it's enjoyable

687
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,360
Speaker 1: for both of you. You know. Um, also go to

688
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:22,719
Speaker 1: therapy because you know, it's it's it's huge, and I

689
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,920
Speaker 1: you know, lately I've been speaking about therapy. This is

690
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 1: gonna be eppisode. I think I'm on four or five,

691
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 1: and I been speaking a lot about therapy, and every

692
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:34,960
Speaker 1: guest has spoken about therapy like therapy is so needed

693
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 1: right now, especially in the in the world that we

694
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 1: live in, and it's hard trying to find a therapist

695
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,200
Speaker 1: y'all because I'm still looking. But no, yeah, I mean

696
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,479
Speaker 1: this definitely helps. And like you saw how much like

697
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 1: anger and emotion came out of me just by talking

698
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,880
Speaker 1: about it. So I imagine if I can talk to

699
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 1: like a professional about this, I think it would help

700
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:58,160
Speaker 1: a lot more, you know. So the last question is

701
00:37:58,239 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 1: what if some advice you would give to our listeners,

702
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,440
Speaker 1: which is mostly women that's going through either a similar

703
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: situation or been through this situation before, um with not

704
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 1: enjoying sex, And I think we're not enjoying sex. But

705
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,120
Speaker 1: I also think that because this is my first time

706
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:19,719
Speaker 1: here a lot about your story and just like you know,

707
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:21,839
Speaker 1: I can see why your your views or the way

708
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: they are when it comes to sex. So like, what

709
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,480
Speaker 1: would you give some advice to somebody that's been in

710
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:27,799
Speaker 1: a similar situation with you and they don't they look

711
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,920
Speaker 1: at sex. I'm not gonna say negative, but they just

712
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,719
Speaker 1: they don't want no parts of it. Like you have

713
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 1: to do a lot of digging within yourself. Like one

714
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:38,040
Speaker 1: thing that I do not like I journal, and there

715
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,280
Speaker 1: are times when I'm like, I try to push certain

716
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 1: thoughts or memories back because I don't want to deal

717
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,359
Speaker 1: with it. But you have to confront it. So I'm

718
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 1: gonna say, you know, talk to someone if you can't

719
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:50,040
Speaker 1: afford therapy, or if you don't if you're not ready

720
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 1: for therapy, talk to a trusted friend because you can't

721
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 1: reveal what you don't hear. You can't heal what you

722
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,759
Speaker 1: don't reveal exactly. And you know, this was kind of

723
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:03,279
Speaker 1: like therapy, but no, I never know. I didn't. I

724
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 1: didn't know that. Yeah, so and I didn't even think

725
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:08,960
Speaker 1: about that. Yeah, you really have to dig and find

726
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: out why you feel this one. Yes, you're going to

727
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,520
Speaker 1: confront these demons that you don't want to face or

728
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:18,279
Speaker 1: sometimes theems that you don't even know where they're. Um. So,

729
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,919
Speaker 1: I think definitely therapy, just writing things down, just doing

730
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:26,280
Speaker 1: your research, you know, finding um, you know, a doctor

731
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:29,520
Speaker 1: as well. Again, for those who are going through like

732
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:31,480
Speaker 1: the physical part of it, that you find that you're

733
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 1: not enjoying sex, don't be afraid to speak to your

734
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 1: doctor because I've been experiencing this for years since I

735
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: was like, what I say, nine teams twenty and I

736
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:43,399
Speaker 1: just saw I just spoke to my most years. Yeah,

737
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,439
Speaker 1: and I just spoke to my doctor like two years

738
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: ago about it. So when you gotta make your next appointment,

739
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 1: I have to know. I actually do have to make

740
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 1: all my appointments now. But yeah, you definitely you can't

741
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 1: be afraid to talk to you because that's what they're

742
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,720
Speaker 1: there for. You're not. Ain't a fifty out of copay girl,

743
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 1: you know that can be some Seriously, like, you gotta

744
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 1: make your doctor works. And that's one thing that I

745
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:12,239
Speaker 1: do now. Like I asked someone tonal questions, I bring

746
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:16,640
Speaker 1: up questions as every single question. You have to take

747
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 1: your health seriously. You know, your physical health, your mental

748
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:24,399
Speaker 1: health into accountability. Yeah. Um, really, just get the health

749
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,760
Speaker 1: that you need because this world is crazy and honestly,

750
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,719
Speaker 1: it's not going to get better anytime soon, and you

751
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:34,560
Speaker 1: have to make sure that you're good. Yeah, definitely that Well, guys,

752
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 1: this episode means so much to me. Not only did

753
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 1: I learned something new about my guest, who is also

754
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: one of my good friends. UM, this was the first

755
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 1: time I would recorded in an anchor studio, so I'm

756
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 1: so excited. Um, I can't wait to hear your feedback

757
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:54,240
Speaker 1: about this one. UM, this one was I just can't

758
00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:57,400
Speaker 1: express it all over the place. I think it was

759
00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 1: a little little not because I just ain't that the

760
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: whole point of this podcast is to like inspire other

761
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,880
Speaker 1: women out there that's going through some of the situations,

762
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,440
Speaker 1: because I know when I went through my ship, always

763
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 1: so like damn, like why me? Why is this happening

764
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 1: to me? And then when you start talking about what

765
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:14,600
Speaker 1: you've been going through, you find out the shorty next

766
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,600
Speaker 1: year you went through something similar or even worse. So

767
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 1: it's it's very confident to know that you're not in

768
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:22,720
Speaker 1: this alone, you know. UM, if you have any questions

769
00:41:22,719 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 1: for my guests, please make sure you email me or

770
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:28,160
Speaker 1: comments or words of encouragement, or if you've been in

771
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:31,120
Speaker 1: a similar situation that's similar as my guests, please make

772
00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:33,880
Speaker 1: sure you email me at hello at the Professional Homegirl

773
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,759
Speaker 1: dot com. UM, it's been real, guys, thank you so

774
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: much for sharing your story and until next week, guys.

775
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 1: Later