WEBVTT - My Boss is a Jerk to Me 0:00:03.360 --> 0:00:05.680 That's my colleagues, We'll stop commenting on everything I get 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:08.840 my assistants at people and meeting? Why does my coworker 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.240 keep taking credit for all my idea? Have any wisdom 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.360 for me? Hi, I'm Alison Green. Welcome to the Aska 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:18.640 Manager Podcast. Right answer questions from listeners about life at work, 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:21.080 everything from what to say if you're allergic to your 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:23.599 coworkers perfume to what to do if you drink too 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:29.120 much at the company party. Let's get started. Managers can 0:00:29.200 --> 0:00:31.720 have a huge amount of influence over your day to 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:34.400 day quality of life at work. A good boss can 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:38.000 make even boring jobs pretty good, and a bad boss 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:41.559 can take a great job and destroy it. Bad bosses 0:00:41.680 --> 0:00:43.800 come in a lot of different flavors, but one of 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:46.040 the hardest to deal with is a boss who is 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:49.560 just mean. Today's guest is worried that might be the 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:52.040 boss she has ended up with at a new job. Hi, 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:54.800 and welcome to the show. Hi, thank you so much 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:56.440 for having me. I'm so glad to have you here. 0:00:57.400 --> 0:01:00.279 So you wrote to me and you said, basic, your 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:03.080 boss is pretty awful to you. You've been there a 0:01:03.120 --> 0:01:05.520 few months and it feels like the way she treats 0:01:05.560 --> 0:01:09.120 you is abusive. When she gives you feedback in your work, 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:12.040 she makes it personal, and it feels like she talks 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:15.600 to you with real hostility when you've tried to defend yourself, 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:18.000 like one time where she thought you had forgotten to 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:20.560 include something in a draft and you pointed out that no, 0:01:20.680 --> 0:01:23.280 actually you had included it. She's told you to just 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:27.319 stop being defensive. And then a complicating factor is that, 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:30.319 well she's pretty mean to you, everyone else seems to 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:32.520 like her, and it doesn't seem like she's treating other 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:35.200 people this way. Am I getting that right? And is 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:38.319 there anything you would want to add to that? Yes? Yeah, 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:41.920 I mean that's spot on. Um, she's you know, she's 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:44.959 been therefore, I think like probably two years now, and 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:48.480 I've just joined recently, and I'm I'm one of two 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:50.600 people that she manages, and she seems to be pretty 0:01:50.600 --> 0:01:52.800 close with the other person that she manages who's been 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:55.760 there for a while, and she does kind of just 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:58.800 like right from the get go, I've just really sensed 0:01:58.840 --> 0:02:02.120 this kind of like hostile vibe from her, and it 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:05.920 just makes working with her really difficult, and especially when 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:08.079 I'm like in a new job and I'm like trying 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:10.800 to get trained and like up to speed on things, 0:02:10.840 --> 0:02:14.160 Like it almost feels like she doesn't want me to 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:17.120 get better or that that I'm just kind of like 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.640 her punching bag or something. And was it like that 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:25.480 from day one? Um? Pretty soon? Maybe not the first week, 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:29.720 but the first week was such a whirlwind. Um, I guess, yeah, 0:02:29.760 --> 0:02:33.280 I mean it was really pretty soon right away, Like 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:37.040 she was just immediately like hypercritical of everything I did 0:02:37.680 --> 0:02:42.200 or said, will you tell me more about like specifically 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:46.760 what sorts of things she says to you that feel abusive? Sure? So, 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:50.720 as you said, I mean, recently, I made a draft 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:53.000 for her and she asked for a specific finding to 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:56.000 be included in, which I did, but she reviewed it 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:58.760 like late at night and she missed, did I guess? 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:00.320 And so she came in the next day and she asked, 0:03:00.320 --> 0:03:02.919 you know, hey, why or why why wasn't this in 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:05.440 the draft? And I said, oh, actually it's right here, 0:03:05.480 --> 0:03:06.840 like there was a paragraph and I showed it to 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.800 her on my computer and she looks at me and says, 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:14.800 that wasn't there yesterday And I said, no, actually it was, 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:20.680 and she said, all right, you should not be so defensive. 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:23.840 It's not about you being right or me being wrong, 0:03:24.760 --> 0:03:27.520 which I was just really taken it back by because 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:29.960 I just didn't know how to respond. Like I was 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:32.600 just you know, kind of flagging that for her because 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:34.720 since it wasn't the draft, she wasn't going to have 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:37.440 to do it herself. The hostility right off the bat 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:40.840 was just, you know, really just difficult to deal with. 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:44.400 That's so bizarre because I'm trying to imagine how you 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.920 could have responded to that in any other way. I mean, 0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:50.080 she was saying when there, you were pointing out that 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:53.760 it was It's it's hard to picture what response she 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:57.240 wanted from you. I don't know. She I felt like 0:03:57.280 --> 0:03:59.160 she she wanted it to not be there, and she 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:02.200 wanted to break me for not being there, and I 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.600 like I took that away from her or something. Yeah, 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:07.400 And I think I think you said to me in 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:12.720 your original email that it feels like she tries to 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:17.560 she's almost putting down your work. Yeah, she is. She 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.479 she definitely does try to put down my work, like 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:23.880 she she almost wants to make me feel like I'm dumb, 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:26.160 or like she tries to explain to me what our 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:27.960 line of work is all about. But I've done our 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.560 line of work for four years and I've always like 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:33.479 had good reviews and and my last company, you know, 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:36.760 I really rose to the top of my team pretty quickly, 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:39.400 and I was a go to person for questions. It 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:41.839 does feel kind of condescending, like she's trying to put 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:44.520 me down. Like she actually told me the other day that, 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.200 in so many words, that I'm not curious enough for 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:50.240 this line of work, and her exact words were, I 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.960 just don't know how to teach curiosity. And I didn't 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:55.800 know what to say to that, because I've done the 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:58.560 work for four years and I always, you know, did 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:00.440 a good job, and I kind of probably myself on 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:03.240 going like the extra mile, and especially when I'm in 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:05.560 a situation where someone doesn't think my work is good enough, 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:08.159 that really kind of puts me into like turbo mode, 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:10.760 and I really want to do a good job. But 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:12.880 it just it just feels like even if I do 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:17.120 go that extra mile, if I somehow squeak by, you know, 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:20.000 she she says nothing, but if there's even a small mistake, 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.000 she jumps on it and harps on it and explains 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:27.920 it in a very patronizing, condescending way about how how 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.960 I should have known better. But it's just feels like 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:33.159 she doesn't want to help me. She just kind of 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:36.760 wants to break me, you know. Yeah. And is the 0:05:36.839 --> 0:05:39.919 hostility that you're feeling from her, is that present in 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.400 the majority of your interactions with her or is it 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:46.640 more just occasional. I would say that it's present in 0:05:46.760 --> 0:05:50.000 most of our interactions. Like I've actually in the past 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:52.560 two weeks, like center broke, since I wrote in, I've 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:55.839 kind of tried to just distance myself from her a 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:59.039 little bit because I figured that, you know, maybe that 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:03.080 would be one way to kind of dial back on 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:05.960 the abusive nature of the interactions. Like I just I 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:08.520 don't ask questions to her anymore. I asked my coworker, 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:12.000 who is a very sweet person, and I just I 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:14.159 just really try to keep my distance because that just 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:18.440 seems to be working out a little bit better for me. Yeah. 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:20.680 And so your coworker, so this is the one other 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.000 person that your boss manages and they have a pretty 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:25.680 good relationship. You don't see your boss treating your coworker 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:30.240 that way. No, I don't. Um. She has been here 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:33.120 for for probably like eight months or so. My coworker 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:37.039 and so she's definitely been doing the work for longer. Um. 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:39.920 But yeah, like, I mean, my coworker will go to 0:06:40.440 --> 0:06:42.760 my boss and will ask her questions, and my boss 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:46.680 will be very like forthcoming in advice, and you know, 0:06:46.720 --> 0:06:49.520 we'll actually tell her what she wants or give her 0:06:49.520 --> 0:06:53.000 a plan rather than just kind of throwing her in 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:56.720 the deep end almost and just expecting some kind of 0:06:56.760 --> 0:07:02.320 results that won't result in like rating. Yeah, I'm almost 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:05.200 getting the sense that like she might just have an 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:11.200 irrational dislike of you or something. Yeah, I'm kind of 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:15.240 thinking that too, because we do have another like, like, 0:07:15.320 --> 0:07:18.080 we have a larger team of like six or seven 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:21.880 people and the majority are women, and like, um, like 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:23.960 everyone seems to get along really well, and everyone on 0:07:24.000 --> 0:07:26.160 the team and at the company overall it's like really 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.600 friendly and nice and loves their job and it's great. 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:32.840 But I think that my boss, like as you said, 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.640 I think she just has some kind of dislike of me. 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:39.360 And actually, um, I think this this will be um 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:46.640 symbolized in my next incident where basically, like I this 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:49.000 was another time earlier on where I basically asked her 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.000 if if she would be able to help me find 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:55.840 you know, a piece of of data to be able 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:59.320 to disqualify a certain result that we found. And so 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:02.200 I said, basically, you know, you know, I'm sorry, you 0:08:02.200 --> 0:08:04.520 have to go looking for it, like, you know, just 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.600 just something like polite. I felt like, just something, you know, 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:09.720 like I know she's busy and I just couldn't find it, 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:11.720 and I wanted to see if she could help. But 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:15.040 so after I said that, you know, I'm sorry, sorry, 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:16.680 I have to go looking for it, she turned to 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:20.920 me and said, Okay, stop apologizing. I obviously have to 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:23.280 do this. How else do you think it's gonna get 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.640 done if I don't do this, really I want to 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:30.560 hear it, and she just and she she doesn't smile 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:33.040 that much in general, like well, well she kind of 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:35.240 does with other people, but never with me. But she 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:39.000 just stares at me with this like terrifying face, like 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.000 I don't know what to do. Like I just kind 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:44.240 of looked away and said, yeah, I'm sorry, you're right. 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:48.640 I was like, what was I supposed to say? That 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:51.839 sounds really awful? Is she? I'm just curious and I'm sorry. 0:08:51.880 --> 0:08:53.440 I'll start giving you some advice and I'll stop with 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:59.120 my questions after after it Um, is she a newer manager? 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:00.839 Do you happen to know if she has a lot 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:05.200 of management experience or if she's just getting her feet wet. Yes, So, 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:08.079 so I actually think, um, that I think she is 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.800 a new manager, and that's like I'm not sure, but 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:12.640 I took a look at her LinkedIn and she has 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:16.280 mostly like a lot of like contracting work and um, 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:20.880 kind of like consultant type things before this job. And 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:22.920 so I really get the sense that she has never 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:26.000 managed before. Okay, let's pause here for a quick break. 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:27.760 When we come back, I want to get into actually 0:09:27.800 --> 0:09:29.959 talking about what you might be able to do about this. 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:39.760 So I have a theory. Well, I have two theories 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:42.199 about your boss. I have absolutely nothing to back them up. There, 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:46.160 just speculation. But my gut is saying she's a brand 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:48.160 new manager, she really doesn't know how to manage, and 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:51.000 she might be really stressed out. Um. I'm actually curious 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:53.199 to know if, like what you've noticed about her stress level, 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:57.200 because what you're describing sounds like someone who who is 0:09:57.200 --> 0:09:59.760 stressed out and does not know how to manage a 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:02.880 actively and it is taking that stress out on you. 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:05.520 But my second theory is that maybe she just has 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:07.720 an irrational dislike of you, Like maybe she didn't want 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:10.000 to hire you, she wanted to hire her friend, or 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:12.840 maybe you look just like her cousin who she hates her. 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:15.400 I mean, there might just be something of really irrational 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:18.920 going on here that isn't about you at all. Well, 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:23.000 I do think that she's probably pretty stressed. Um she 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:25.880 does tend to email on the weekend and she'll like 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:29.800 review my reports on the weekend, or um, she'll I 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:32.400 don't know, she she stays up late to do things, 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:35.320 and she just she she seems like maybe a higher 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:39.400 stress individual. So that definitely I think could be contributing. 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:43.240 It is said, maybe it's just easier to take it 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.760 out on me because I'm new and like, I'm definitely 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:49.040 still learning and I'm not it takes a while to 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:51.480 get up to speed, especially on like a more like 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:56.320 technical kind of thing that we do. But I just 0:10:56.400 --> 0:10:59.720 I don't see her treating the other like my peer 0:10:59.800 --> 0:11:03.480 like that, or any of like her peers or like 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:06.679 my my grand boss. Yeah, well she definitely wouldn't do 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:09.280 it above her because people who are abusive tent to 0:11:09.440 --> 0:11:13.120 at least know that they can't aim it upward. They 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:15.280 can only get away with aiming it downward, which of 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:17.959 course just makes it even crappier because it means it's 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:20.840 actually within their control and they're picking and choosing. But 0:11:21.000 --> 0:11:24.240 I could definitely see it being that she is taking 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:26.400 her stress out on you, and the reason she's taking 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:28.960 it out on you and not in your coworker is 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:32.160 because she was able to juggle things before you got there, 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:34.679 and that you are adding having to train you and 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:36.640 having to answer your questions and having to manage you 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.000 is adding to her stress in a way that your 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:43.840 longer term co worker isn't. None of this is justified, 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:45.760 and of course all of this is speculation. I could 0:11:45.800 --> 0:11:48.600 be completely off base. Um, But if I'm right, none 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.319 of it is is justified. Certainly it doesn't make it okay, 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:53.640 but it might just be an interesting thing to have 0:11:54.320 --> 0:11:56.640 in the back of your head as you're watching the situation, 0:11:56.679 --> 0:12:01.199 to see if you see further signs that that fits. Um. 0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:04.080 That doesn't really steer you in in any particular direction 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:06.840 of action, of course, So let's talk about what to do. 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:11.120 So I think you have a few options here. The 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.640 first one, which I don't like and I don't recommend, 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.840 is that you could just give this some time and 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.000 see if it gets better once you're both more used 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:23.800 to working together. I don't like that approach because I 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.920 think it sounds pretty bad and you're understandably pretty unhappy, 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:29.720 and I don't know that it's likely to change if 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:32.600 you just try to wait it out. And you know, 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:34.839 if she were like this with everyone, that would be 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:37.240 bad in a different way. But I mean, that's it's 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.320 terrible to have a managery where that's just her style. 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:42.240 But in that case, it would be possible that maybe 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:46.160 you could end up finding ways to work reasonably happily 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.520 with a manager who just has a crappy style. But 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:52.560 the fact that she's just doing it to you says 0:12:52.640 --> 0:12:56.000 to me that there's something going on that's specific to 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:58.360 the two of you, or that the way you're approaching 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.640 the work is somehow out of ink with what she 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:03.640 wants and she hasn't figured out how to articulate that, 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:06.400 and that's not likely to go away if you just 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:10.360 leave it alone. So I don't recommend just waiting and seeing. 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:15.560 The option that I suspect will get better results but 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.200 you might not want to do it, is that you 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:21.320 can try talking to her about it head on. Um, 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:23.520 something weird is going on, you know, since she's not 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:26.319 doing this with other people, and it's probably in your 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:30.520 best interests to address it and find out what it is. Um, 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:33.079 it might be worth talking with her, you know, sitting 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:36.440 down and asking to talk about how things are going overall. 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:38.200 Your a few months into the job, so this is 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:41.040 a logical time to do that anyway, And as part 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:45.199 of that conversation you could say pretty straightforwardly that you're 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:47.280 getting the sense that she might be unhappy with your 0:13:47.280 --> 0:13:50.520 work and even frustrated with you, and asked to talk 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:53.560 about that. Now. Would you be comfortable doing that? Or 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:55.640 maybe not comfortable because it sounds like this whole thing 0:13:55.679 --> 0:14:00.240 is pretty uncomfortable. But but can you imagine doing that? Yeah, 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:03.200 I might try to pick a day when she's not 0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:06.360 under all of stress, which I don't I don't really 0:14:06.360 --> 0:14:10.240 know how to like kind of read her yet, but definitely, UM, 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:13.520 when she's less busy. I do want to definitely address it. 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:17.559 I just feel like I'm worried that if I address 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:22.240 it with her directly, she'll just say something like you 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:26.600 need to get better, or your work is bad, or 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:29.440 it's just it's just frustrating me because I really do 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:32.800 try really hard, and I try to follow her exact 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:36.680 protocols as much as possible. Like I'll copy, you know, 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.160 something that she did at a previous incident and use 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:42.680 it for a new one, the same type of incident, 0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:46.200 you know, tweak it for with the additional details, and 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:49.400 suddenly it won't be good enough, and she'll add additional details, 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:52.760 even when mine was more than sufficient and was good enough, 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:56.840 you know, a week ago. And it's just it feels 0:14:56.880 --> 0:14:59.760 like she she kind of wants to like set me 0:14:59.880 --> 0:15:03.480 up up to to not be successful. But I mean, 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:06.480 I would definitely like be interested in talking to her 0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:08.480 about it, and I think I would frame it like that, 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:11.120 like I get the sense that you're unhappy with my 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:17.040 work or maybe just with me in general, and I guess, 0:15:17.040 --> 0:15:19.960 how can we fix it? Yeah? And I think, I mean, 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:21.800 you might be thinking, gosh, I'm just going to be 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:25.400 inviting even more criticism from her, and you might, But 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:28.360 the idea is, if she is thinking something about you, 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:31.040 it's better for you to hear it. And what you 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:32.800 want to really focus on here as much as you 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:35.560 can is the big picture, like overall, how are things 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:38.400 going and overall, what does she think you need to 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:41.400 be doing differently or working on So it's not an 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:44.080 invitation for her to like get into the nitty gritty 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:45.760 complaints that she's had in the past. I mean, she 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:47.760 might do that, and you can't stop her from doing that, 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:49.800 But as much as you can, I think you want 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.920 to frame it as you're getting the sense that overall 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:55.240 you might not be approaching the job in the way 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:57.040 that she wants and you really want to. You want 0:15:57.080 --> 0:15:58.960 to do a good job at work, You want her feedback, 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:02.080 um and and you don't want to to have a 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:06.440 situation where she's frustrated or unhappy with you. UM. I 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:09.560 will say there is a risk to this option that 0:16:09.640 --> 0:16:11.760 you would have to be okay with going in because 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.040 it is possible that if you sit down with her 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:18.400 and you say that, she might move pretty quickly to yeah, 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:20.920 things are not going well, and that could move you 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:24.480 more quickly into a situation where potentially she's even talking 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:26.360 about whether or not it's the right job for you, 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:28.560 and it could take you down a path of even 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:30.680 being pushed out of the job. UM. I have no 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:34.000 idea whether or not that's likely to happen, but it 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:36.080 is certainly the case that if you bring up the 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:38.480 topic and you say, hey, let's step back and reflect 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:41.600 on how things are going, that is a possible outcome. 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.400 I'm going to argue that if that is the outcome, 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.200 it's still better to know about it and to bring 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:49.160 it to the surface so that you can figure out 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:52.000 how to proceed, because if that's the case, it's going 0:16:52.040 --> 0:16:53.600 to happen at some point, and you might as well 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:56.320 not be blindsided by it. But it is possible that 0:16:56.400 --> 0:17:00.960 initiating this conversation could make it happen soon. Does that 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:04.120 make sense? It does make sense. It's it's kind of 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.960 like one reason that I've been sort of like avoiding 0:17:06.960 --> 0:17:10.080 her a little bit, like except for like when when 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:11.879 when I have a one on one with her or 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:14.800 you know, another type of meeting, like I just I 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:17.000 do try to kind of keep my distance because I 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:19.880 figure if I can just like lay low like I've 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:24.359 been trying to lay low approach. So yeah, yeah, I 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:26.200 guess I guess there is a risk that it would 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:28.399 it would bring it to the surface, but I do 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:30.399 also really want to know about that and address it, 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:32.360 and no, if it's like if it's not going to work, out. 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:36.720 I would like to be somewhere where it will Yeah, exactly. 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:38.720 I mean I think that's exactly the right way to 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:41.360 look at it, because it would suck if that's where 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:44.480 that conversation went. But that conversation would not be the 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:46.960 cause of it going there, you know, like, if if 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:50.119 that is what happens, it wouldn't have only happened because 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:52.560 he raised it. If that's going to come of it, 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:55.520 that's going to come of it sooner or later anyway. 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:59.520 I mean, you can only lay low for for so long. Um, 0:17:59.560 --> 0:18:01.800 if that is the direction that this is going in. 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:04.119 At some point, it's going to happen anyway, And there's 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:07.560 there's some advantage to taking some control of the situation 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:09.479 and saying, hey, let's talk about what's going on so 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:11.680 that we can both figure out how to move forward here. 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:14.520 I just don't want you. I would never want to 0:18:14.600 --> 0:18:17.480 encourage you to go into this conversation without pointing out 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:19.439 this potential risk, because I wouldn't want you to do 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:21.760 it how that happen and then be blindsided by it. 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:25.960 Yeah sure, sure, definitely, Um, Yeah, but I agree, I 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.399 think it's better to kind of get it out in 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:31.240 the open. If possible. Um, And I mean, who knows, 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:33.879 there's lots of other things that you could hear. I 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:36.680 mean you might hear, I don't know, you might hear that, Yes, 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:39.840 she's been frustrated because she feels like you're not retaining 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:42.120 information she's giving you. I mean, honestly, from what you've 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:43.919 said it, it doesn't sound like that's the case. But 0:18:43.960 --> 0:18:48.000 who knows. Maybe there actually is something legitimate about her perspective, 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:51.720 and she's handling it really badly and it's making her 0:18:51.880 --> 0:18:54.840 cranky with you in a way that's completely inappropriate. But 0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:57.760 maybe there is something there at the core that's causing 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:00.680 it that actually would be helpful for you to hear. 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:03.920 But even if nothing like that does come out of it, 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:08.800 the fact that you're initiating this discussion hopefully will flag 0:19:08.880 --> 0:19:12.159 for her in a very appropriate and polite way that 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:14.479 she's being kind of a jerk to you. You know. 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:16.920 And and if if she's just a horrible person, maybe 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:19.359 she doesn't care. But if she's not a horrible person, 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:22.640 if she's just like a very bad, inexperienced manager who's 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:25.200 under a lot of stress and she's handling this terribly, 0:19:26.119 --> 0:19:29.399 it might prod her into realizing that she needs to 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:31.439 figure out how to change the way she's dealing with you. 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:34.880 Who knows. Yeah, yeah, I would like that. I mean 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:37.680 I've also considered that, you know, maybe like my work 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:42.720 quality just isn't good. But I've never like, I try 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:45.120 really hard, and I work really hard, and I usually 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:48.520 like I'm successful. And I just think that addressing it 0:19:48.600 --> 0:19:50.480 with her head on would be good just to find out, 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:52.600 you know, maybe to flag it with her maybe she 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:56.080 doesn't realize she's doing it, or yeah, maybe she's just 0:19:56.119 --> 0:19:58.920 taking out her stress on me. Yeah, And I think 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:01.760 no matter what comes out of that conversation, I think 0:20:01.800 --> 0:20:05.080 you're going to come away with much more information than 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:08.359 you have right now. I mean, even if she's just like, yeah, 0:20:08.400 --> 0:20:10.560 you need to do a better job and she doesn't 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:14.320 give you anything beyond that, Now you know that you 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:16.199 sat down and you tried to address it in a 0:20:16.240 --> 0:20:18.600 mature way and you couldn't get anywhere with her, and 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:20.800 she didn't show any sign that she plans to change 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.680