Speaker 1: Hey guys, this is Matt Rogers. I'm sitting here with
Speaker 1: my best friend in the world, Bowen Yang, and we
Speaker 1: are the duo that serves the Last Cultures podcast. He's
Speaker 1: trying to cut me off right there. I'm sorry, but
Speaker 1: that's the dynamic. But here's the thing. I have to
Speaker 1: be here for business right now because I have an
Speaker 1: important thing to talk about. It's our live show I
Speaker 1: Don't Think So Honey Live, which is going to be
Speaker 1: at the Bellhouse on November eighteen at ten pm. Is
Speaker 1: part of bo Podcast Festival. So I don't cut a
Speaker 1: bit off. I'm so sorry, but look, I was just
Speaker 1: so excited to talk about our next live show, I
Speaker 1: Don't Think So Honey Live on November eighteenth at ten
Speaker 1: pm at the Bell House. That's part of the Brooklyn
Speaker 1: Podcast Festival. Is it because we have amazing people like
Speaker 1: Francesco Ramsey, Jill Kim Booster, Achilla Hughes, Brandon, Scott Jones,
Speaker 1: Sarah Tola, Mush, Mike Kelton in so much more, all
Speaker 1: serving one minute rans on culture. It is. And it's
Speaker 1: so funny because I was going to say that same
Speaker 1: exact thing. That's because that's what's on the paper in
Speaker 1: front of us. We don't have a paper in front
Speaker 1: of us. Who's right, Who's wrong? Find out at the show. Now,
Speaker 1: this next battle our Southern bells, the Southern Bells, Now, Matt,
Speaker 1: why don't you describe your your contestant. Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm so fucking excited to bring my contestant to the stage.
Speaker 1: My contestant is on the mod team of the Classic
Speaker 1: and is a veteran of characters. Welcome, and guess what,
Speaker 1: She's a fucking teacher at the UCB. So if you
Speaker 1: want to fucking learn something, you better open your goddamn
Speaker 1: dumbass eyes and peel them and stick it up here.
Speaker 1: Stick your eyes up here. That's what I said. This
Speaker 1: motherfuck Chris is Chrissy Shacob. Motherfuck Chris has shacks. There's
Speaker 1: some thirsty gays just up on this stage. The gays.
Speaker 1: We're up here. And now a thirsty Southern bell And
Speaker 1: now my contestant, my Southern bell hailing from the great
Speaker 1: state of Georgia, is coming up here. And listen. She
Speaker 1: and I have been in the trenches together. We've stuffed
Speaker 1: food in each other's mouths as a bit on stage
Speaker 1: at the now defunct over the eight mean, she rests
Speaker 1: and she is someone who books the house down boots.
Speaker 1: You see her all over the fucking city. She's iconic.
Speaker 1: I love her. She's in Atlanta, Queen, please welcome. Chill
Speaker 1: was sharp. Oh my god, you're gonna if you're gonna, now,
Speaker 1: you're gonna. Now. You got it all right? So the
Speaker 1: Great State of Texas is gonna stick. Take the stage first.
Speaker 1: Chrissie is up, Bowen, Are you ready to give her
Speaker 1: a damn? This is Chrissy Shackleford. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Time starts now. I don't think so, honey. People who
Speaker 1: don't know how to act in a Starbucks, Okay, I
Speaker 1: am talking to all of you. Brooklyn A drink local coffee,
Speaker 1: go funk yourself. When you go into a Starbucks, learn
Speaker 1: how to act. I see you walk in there, like,
Speaker 1: where's the line? Bitch? All the Starbucks look exactly the same.
Speaker 1: The lines are by the little snacks. And then you
Speaker 1: go to the register, you order your coffee, you pay
Speaker 1: for it, and then you wait at the register for
Speaker 1: your coffee. Are you stupid? I'm standing behind you, ready
Speaker 1: to order my skim caramel latte. Thank you watching the
Speaker 1: wait and you are standing in front of the register,
Speaker 1: not knowing to get your dumb mass down to the
Speaker 1: counter where they're gonna call your fucking name. Okay, you
Speaker 1: Brooklyn Wednesday, Adam's Halloween costume. Bitches, come into my basic
Speaker 1: Heaven Starbucks and Buck shut up. I'll see you while
Speaker 1: I'm watching. This is one but this is us, all right,
Speaker 1: here we go. It's time, It's time for sale. Was
Speaker 1: sharp your I don't think so, honey. Time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. People who assume I know
Speaker 1: how to twork fucked up. I know how the ass looks,
Speaker 1: I know it's big, but I'm not here to teach
Speaker 1: you how to do with Becky. I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1: I don't do line dances. Quit asking me to start
Speaker 1: the electric slide. I don't do it. That's fucked up.
Speaker 1: I come from a time when all you had to
Speaker 1: do was look good in your genes. You didn't have
Speaker 1: to then move it like you're nervous all the goddamn talk.
Speaker 1: What is scared off? Me and j Lo? We don't twork.
Speaker 1: Check it out. Watch that video she made with one
Speaker 1: of them, one of them flower bitches. The Australian one
Speaker 1: with the long blonde hair. All they're doing is just
Speaker 1: nothing meat together. They're not actually talking. She didn't have
Speaker 1: to twork, She teasing red lips, a tight jean, a
Speaker 1: high heel. That's what I do. I don't shake that
Speaker 1: ship funk all of y'all. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: I'm not teaching you all the stick a girl. Mom
Speaker 1: boons are internal. I think you'll dick in half, but
Speaker 1: I stuff to break your dick in half. Cho Wow,
Speaker 1: let's throw it over to the go for a comment
Speaker 1: from Joel can booster our judge? Wow, Um, this one's
Speaker 1: gonna hurt me. I have so much deep respect for
Speaker 1: both of you women. Um, I really don't know which
Speaker 1: one I'm going to go with at this time. Starbucks
Speaker 1: is it culture? It is food culture. I guess drinking culture,
Speaker 1: line culture, that sort of thing. I like your call
Speaker 1: the snacks. My one critique for you, Chrissie is, um,
Speaker 1: I don't feel like you showed up to work dressed
Speaker 1: to work today? Can I fucking tell you? Bitch? I
Speaker 1: have not a penny to my name, and I do
Speaker 1: not wear red. I'm waiting for a paycheck to come in,
Speaker 1: and I could not go out and buy a shirt.
Speaker 1: It's he was in saying to me that you don't
Speaker 1: know own any red. Um. And then over here we
Speaker 1: have um a sort of oriental inspired dress, which does
Speaker 1: feel directly like it's attacking me. I don't feel attacked,
Speaker 1: don't I have to say I don't. I don't feel attacked.
Speaker 1: I'm an immigrant. I'm an immigrant. I don't speak for
Speaker 1: the entire community. I don't speak for the entire community,
Speaker 1: but I will say I was taken aback, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's sort of startorial. Lee is sort of a
Speaker 1: draw for me in that way. Um, but god, I
Speaker 1: loved it. I loved I think it's the first I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey about dance. And I loved that,
Speaker 1: um because again a big pillar of culture dance. Yeah, alright,
Speaker 1: let's start over to Michelle Collins. Michelle, Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make this pick just kidding. You are adorable. UM. I
Speaker 1: love Starbucks. I get I have a hundred and twenty
Speaker 1: five points in my account every day. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I spend a lot of money there, and I agree,
Speaker 1: But also that's kind of the fun of Starbucks, isn't it.
Speaker 1: That it's like a big wild West and like getting
Speaker 1: to watch people if not know what the funk they're doing,
Speaker 1: and it gets very confusing. They're ordering like these Suvie
Speaker 1: egg bites. If you want an order of each, meaning
Speaker 1: two of each, you have to say no, two of
Speaker 1: each because other ways I'll be like, we don't split
Speaker 1: them up. It's confusing. No one gets it. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: you'll try them, you'll order it. It's fine, Um and
Speaker 1: SHELI what I have to tell you that I am
Speaker 1: changing my tender bio to My moves are internal, so
Speaker 1: I'm forever indebted to you. I am also I have
Speaker 1: a big old ass. I also don't work. I also
Speaker 1: do an exercise. It's not the point, but I, Um,
Speaker 1: I really felt connected to both of your stories and
Speaker 1: I want to thank you for sharing them with us today. Okay,
Speaker 1: beautiful Tyler Coone. Um, you know, I think your your
Speaker 1: piece was so direct and and you got I mean
Speaker 1: you got there so quickly, and you stayed with it,
Speaker 1: and I respect it and I just loved it. And
Speaker 1: with I think with this was your Starbucks story. It
Speaker 1: is a story. It's a it's a true one act
Speaker 1: play in a minute, you know, and I think that
Speaker 1: you know. It gave you a place, it gave me
Speaker 1: a setting. But you know what, I could see the
Speaker 1: people that you were talking about, whether my my home,
Speaker 1: neighborhood of Park Slope children, or if I was in
Speaker 1: the Starbucks in Times Square, just Europeans who have no
Speaker 1: idea what's going on. And I just loved that. I
Speaker 1: saw the full spectrum. So again, as JULSOI very tough
Speaker 1: for me beautiful Okay, so we have a tough race again.
Speaker 1: These ladies killed it. I am going to ask for
Speaker 1: the reveal of the votes in three two one go
Speaker 1: babies across the sh advances to the next round. Thank you, La,
Speaker 1: get it up for Chrissie Shackle, for everybody Christie at Wow.
Speaker 1: Let's keep things going, shall we, Matt, what's this next one?
Speaker 1: Well learned? Well learned? All right? This next, this next
Speaker 1: round is the art queers. You can see these queers
Speaker 1: fucking around with some art. I want to welcome up
Speaker 1: to the stage right now you're about to be receiving
Speaker 1: some true fire from Gabe Gonzalez. Come on, baby, give
Speaker 1: out for game Gunzal. Here we go from my side.
Speaker 1: Please welcome they have a show at Carolines on Broadway
Speaker 1: as part of the festival this week. You can see
Speaker 1: them up from all over town. Please welcome to the stage.
Speaker 1: Peter Smith, Peter, all right, Gabe, you are first bone.
Speaker 1: Let's get time on the clock. Let's get time on
Speaker 1: the clock for Gabes. I don't think so, honey, Gabe
Speaker 1: gonzalez Is. I don't think so, honey. His time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. People who have told me
Speaker 1: to stop speaking Spanish in public, kick and get out
Speaker 1: that may And if you couldn't understand it, that's your
Speaker 1: fault for phone to get in during Miss Sandra seventh
Speaker 1: grade Spanish class and assuming the English lang would you
Speaker 1: would booie your mediocre mono lingual Anglo ass into the century.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. And news flash for you,
Speaker 1: Miss Becky bow Bundy sits up there to me and
Speaker 1: my grandma out of Walgreens in Tampa, Florida. You look
Speaker 1: like a bitch, And you look like a bitch because
Speaker 1: you're mad because I'm bilingual and at least I have
Speaker 1: a few options, and you also look like a bitch.
Speaker 1: For scream and get a lady who came before for
Speaker 1: Puerto Rico with five kids and learned your basic ass
Speaker 1: language with contradictory grammatical rules, so she could buy your
Speaker 1: flavorless food and put her kids in the second world
Speaker 1: school system in the country. But you know what, they
Speaker 1: still speak better English than you because your inbred ass
Speaker 1: keeps tripping over. There's tim bacgrawl lyrics. So I have
Speaker 1: said it by that one, don't they so jump and
Speaker 1: sucking on honey Stow lyrics? Alright, Peter Smith, take god,
Speaker 1: what the fucking theatrics? Dank? He's you're listening at home?
Speaker 1: I just sat down your I don't think so, honey
Speaker 1: begins now, I don't think so, honey. Duke of Cornwall,
Speaker 1: son of Queen Elizabeth, the second heir to the throne,
Speaker 1: Prince Charles. How dare you? You were married to the
Speaker 1: epitome of glamor. The glamorous is the most beautiful woman
Speaker 1: in the world and you ruined it. Thirty seconds you
Speaker 1: she hit with Camilla Parker balls. Your face looks like
Speaker 1: popped gum. You want to die so that your son
Speaker 1: can do all the work for you and you can
Speaker 1: just get the paychecks. This is show bizbaby, fucking plate.
Speaker 1: I know, I know he's had a rough go just kidding.
Speaker 1: Check your privilege, bitch. I don't think so, honey, popped
Speaker 1: gum ass face die. That is one minute Sater said
Speaker 1: it was stunning, fantastic, stunning. I don't think so, honey. Wow,
Speaker 1: a lot of carnage. Having two amazing takes, two different takes.
Speaker 1: Here we go to the judges. You know, I feel
Speaker 1: like I just watched like an R and B artist
Speaker 1: and a country artist. Computer. You couldn't have been too
Speaker 1: completely different energies that we were getting. Um, Gabe definitely
Speaker 1: giving me a culture in that I find bilinguals like
Speaker 1: uh six, Um, I thought I loved that. I loved
Speaker 1: it was like when Shakira was a joy a void
Speaker 1: the judge on the voice and people came and Spa
Speaker 1: saying Spanish songs for her. I speak Spanish, so I
Speaker 1: felt like it was for me. Um, you're one of
Speaker 1: the I am on the verge of a stroke. Um, Peter,
Speaker 1: when you who sat down, you made the people come
Speaker 1: to you. Um, you made them come to you, and
Speaker 1: I respect the hell out of that. So I don't
Speaker 1: know what I'm gonna do. Wow, all right, um, Okay,
Speaker 1: well let's start. I'm gonna start with Peter because I
Speaker 1: feel like let's mix it up a little bit. Peter,
Speaker 1: First of all, the look beyond, I mean just to
Speaker 1: die for those listening at home, I look great, genuinely,
Speaker 1: and I do feel like your energy is like otherworldly
Speaker 1: in a way that intrigues me so much that I
Speaker 1: never want to not look at you. I'm like, tell
Speaker 1: me everything about you, like right, like the sitting and
Speaker 1: the looking. It's just you. You have such an elegant
Speaker 1: aura and I really really appreciate that about you. And
Speaker 1: also I agree about Camilla. So let's move it. If
Speaker 1: you really want to laugh after the show, google uh
Speaker 1: Kim Miller, Parker Horse Like, just google it and I'm
Speaker 1: telling you laws for days you'll die. And then now, Gabe,
Speaker 1: you really triggered me a little bit because I failed
Speaker 1: my college Spanish class. And um that's a fact at
Speaker 1: Bernard Ideal it Um my professor was the sister of
Speaker 1: Lalo Schiffrin who rode to the Mission Impossible the same theme.
Speaker 1: So also funck that movie and show. Um am I
Speaker 1: with you guys, Okay, I'll just stop. The point is
Speaker 1: you did great. Thank you thanks Tyler code. Tyler, I
Speaker 1: gave your soap bold and you made me triggered me
Speaker 1: to to uh high school when I was taught Spanish
Speaker 1: by uh this woman from Virginia who was very white
Speaker 1: and very southern. So this very class a uh you know,
Speaker 1: tango like I don't. I lost all of it. So
Speaker 1: you know that's my failure. Um, I got seized the
Speaker 1: entire time. And Peter, you know, I feel like I
Speaker 1: was watching an episode of the Crown. So much happened, well,
Speaker 1: so little happened, but I so much. But still it
Speaker 1: made me want I need to go on Wikipedia to
Speaker 1: verify everything. I want to go on a journey for
Speaker 1: my own sake. And you know that's that's the stuff
Speaker 1: that cultures made of. All right, let's put it to
Speaker 1: a vote for the judges on the count. Let's get
Speaker 1: the results of that vote. One, two, three judges. Let's
Speaker 1: take a look. We've got Peter's across the bard. Peter
Speaker 1: Smith advances to the next round. It's okay, white people
Speaker 1: will always pickle onialism. I'monialism, fine, it's fine. I'm royalty
Speaker 1: in my heart. Royalty can't get it up anybody. Wow.
Speaker 1: All right, let's keep going. This is a crazy one.
Speaker 1: This is a nuts and one. This one is called
Speaker 1: Facebook shaker uppers. And now we're going to bring them
Speaker 1: to the stage. God put him the wholesome miss Andrew
Speaker 1: and Marcia and Ray Sanny, Marshall Belski. Here we go, Darling,
Speaker 1: here we go. Now let's welcome up my contested my
Speaker 1: teammate Nicole Silverberg. Thank you all right, So get time
Speaker 1: on the clock. Bowen, this is Marshabowski's I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Her time starts now. I'm going on the nose. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey, Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg, you wease
Speaker 1: a lot to face, fake perm piece of shit. I
Speaker 1: don't think so. I wish al Gored never invented the Internet,
Speaker 1: and I wish God had never invented you. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey, Mark. Freedom of the Internet. Your Internet
Speaker 1: maybe free. My Internet is a prison of my own making. Mark,
Speaker 1: you are Joseph Gerbel's Mark. Do you understand that this
Speaker 1: is my impression of Mark Zuckerberg. Do you want to
Speaker 1: buy an ad for Russia? I will not tell. I
Speaker 1: will not tell. Listen, Mark, if you're the first Jewish president,
Speaker 1: I will undo my b mitzvah. Okay, I will cancel
Speaker 1: birthright for everyone. Knock knock, who's there? Me? Mark always? Honey,
Speaker 1: that's one to knock me, Mark always. Now, let's get
Speaker 1: time on the clock for Nicole Silverberg. Nicole, your time
Speaker 1: starts now. I don't think so, honey. Jane Goodall, Bitch,
Speaker 1: the monkey thing is weird. I don't care that you
Speaker 1: wrote all these books. I don't care that you did
Speaker 1: all this research about chimpanzees. No matter what, your Christmas
Speaker 1: card is the saddest one in your friend group. Okay, bitch,
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey, Jane Goodall, Okay, listen, bitch,
Speaker 1: you were married twice. The last time you were married
Speaker 1: and ended in nineteen eight, and the whole reason you
Speaker 1: were even married to that fucking guy would be he
Speaker 1: had like power in Tanzania to make you fucking do
Speaker 1: your research without getting caught like, bitch, you have to
Speaker 1: move away from the monkeys. You call yourself a humanitarian.
Speaker 1: Very easy to do when you haven't met a human. Okay,
Speaker 1: but Jane Goodall, I don't buy your whole thing. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's noble. I don't think it's smart. You
Speaker 1: know what a chimp is really the least good human
Speaker 1: and that's my smart contribution. Bitch, I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Jane Goodall's very good, beautiful. That was that was amazing.
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean, I'm going to u Joel. That
Speaker 1: was some culture around there. That's truly an honor to
Speaker 1: judge two titans of white feminism. Truly, I'm not even sure. Um. Marcia,
Speaker 1: I loved your fire. You bring passion to everything you do,
Speaker 1: and that's what I love about you. I will say
Speaker 1: I did one sleep with one of the original developers
Speaker 1: of Facebook, so I did feel personally attacked. And Nicole,
Speaker 1: U mean you really went I was. It was really
Speaker 1: like left field. I did not expect it. I did
Speaker 1: not see it coming. I don't think I've ever heard
Speaker 1: Jane Goodall bitch um spoken like. I'm not sure Jane
Speaker 1: Goodall has ever been called a bitch, And it just
Speaker 1: reminded me that I love We're living in a cultural
Speaker 1: moment where bitch is just kind of a punctuation, Marca,
Speaker 1: and I love that about you. So I don't know
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do. Alright, Michelle, Hi, guys, all right, Marcia,
Speaker 1: great energy, hi. Um. I also hate Facebook and I'm
Speaker 1: every day on the verge of absolutely deleting it because
Speaker 1: even like my very sad fan page is just racists.
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, they're fans. No, Like I guess there's
Speaker 1: so mean like it is truly the garbage dump of America.
Speaker 1: I agree, it's it's awful. Um. That being said, I like,
Speaker 1: you know, getting legs and hearts, so whatever. I'm very
Speaker 1: I'm a simple girl, but I get it. But also,
Speaker 1: don't cancel Birthright. What a great journey we've all been
Speaker 1: on now, Um, I mean, really did you do birthright? Um?
Speaker 1: I did, like a birthright type thing, let's hook ups.
Speaker 1: We went to type thing, let's hook ups. I'm through, okay,
Speaker 1: but that's the whole point of Birthright is the hanicaps
Speaker 1: and like the clubs and telling vive Okay, Pine Cole,
Speaker 1: I really have to disagree with you here, Jane Goodall,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. My dream is to have a chimp rip
Speaker 1: my face off? Are you kidding me? How chic is that?
Speaker 1: That woman over? I was like, what a star? Better
Speaker 1: after the surgery? Okay? You never know? And the chimps
Speaker 1: are so fucking cute? Are you kidding me, like scooping
Speaker 1: your little go online and you watch videos of Cocoa
Speaker 1: the Gorilla playing guitar with Betty White and you tell
Speaker 1: me if that's not your fucking dream, Okay, because all
Speaker 1: I want to do is hang with Coco. Sorry I
Speaker 1: said this was so sad for me. It's very sad
Speaker 1: for me. I know I'm sad. Well. I think our
Speaker 1: votes just change. We're back, um anyways, that being sad,
Speaker 1: I love monkeys, thank you. Tyler Bowen is wiping up
Speaker 1: beer that he's spilled with his cape. Horrible. He's horrible, horrible.
Speaker 1: I hate monkeys. Suck up literally fucking can. I mean
Speaker 1: they're your uncle's please. I don't like my uncle's either,
Speaker 1: so that's mistaken. I'm prony who's pro monkey? You animal?
Speaker 1: You're all animals for not being pro monkey? My uncles
Speaker 1: are on Facebook and I hate Facebook two anyway, so
Speaker 1: fuck monkeys. I never again true surprise, however, you know
Speaker 1: I love it. Um, she needs new friends, that's friends.
Speaker 1: Let's I agree with everything you said, and Marshall, obviously
Speaker 1: I agree with everything you say. I do wish it
Speaker 1: was a surprise, That's all I'm gonna say that that's
Speaker 1: all right, all right, okay, so now count of three.
Speaker 1: Let's have our judges right down. We're gonna you have
Speaker 1: a slow countdown from three, three, two one. Reveal Nicole,
Speaker 1: Nicole is Nicole? Forgot to Nicole, get it up for
Speaker 1: Marcia balls full takes it. So so far we have
Speaker 1: Bowen has five and I have three. Bow I believe you,
Speaker 1: I believe I have I have five. You're right, yes, okay, guys,
Speaker 1: this for this round, don't match a further round. Let's
Speaker 1: do it. Let's go. Yes, all right, please welcome to
Speaker 1: the stage, I mean, the Queen of my heart, Michelle bo. Yes,
Speaker 1: come on fence, Oh, come on, come on, Michelle Wow,
Speaker 1: and please welcome. She's gonna make an entrance in some
Speaker 1: way in the Queen of my heart. Annie Dodley. Where
Speaker 1: is she coming? Where? Oh no, no, clean mind the
Speaker 1: plus size want she getting married? What the funk she doing?
Speaker 1: Is this? Cats? Is this? Cats? What is this? Cats?
Speaker 1: Were here? We go? Let's do it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's time for Michelle girl taking my motherfucker's space. Ya
Speaker 1: claiming my time, claiming my time times. I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: time starts now, I don't think so. The motherfucker that
Speaker 1: decided a mirror was a cute idea across from the
Speaker 1: toilet in the fancy hotel I'm staying at. I sat
Speaker 1: down on the toilet, I looked at myself and I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't think so, honey. Okay, if I
Speaker 1: want to see what I look like sitting down naked,
Speaker 1: I would have made a sex tape. Bitch. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey. This douche architect, motherfucker, American psycho, entitle
Speaker 1: white motherfucker that was just like, oh, yes, you gotta
Speaker 1: look at yourself. Ship, you gotta be cute. I blame
Speaker 1: the patriarchy for this ship. I do not think so, honey.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, I have not found my belly button
Speaker 1: when I sit down since I was twelve years old.
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to start, Okay, Jenny Craig, don't care.
Speaker 1: My husband don't care. I sit on his face. We
Speaker 1: make it fucking happen five seconds. I don't give a
Speaker 1: fuck who you is. Okay, you could be Idris Elba,
Speaker 1: Jason Momoa, George Clooney, The Rock, The Fat Rock, Lisa Bone,
Speaker 1: Lisa bow Hey, Holle, Barry Beyonce, salon. Okay, I don't
Speaker 1: give a funk who you are. You are not you
Speaker 1: when you take a ship. If you want to see
Speaker 1: what you look like taking a ship, get over and
Speaker 1: say to you, motherfucker. Okay I I oh, how did
Speaker 1: you even hear it? I didn't hear it. I gotta
Speaker 1: camel toe to the thirty fives like wow, she didn't
Speaker 1: even care. You're too weak. You're too weak to stop
Speaker 1: for your two week Sorry. You gotta be loud like
Speaker 1: Steve hard, like Steve Harvey. She said, this is this
Speaker 1: is Diva delox is the title this matchup and CA's
Speaker 1: safe before and please welcome my deep Annie. Don lady
Speaker 1: unwill Annie? Your time starts now? I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: Steve Harvey, with all your dating books for women, bit
Speaker 1: and like a woman, think like a man? What think
Speaker 1: like a man? Am I supposed to think about writing
Speaker 1: a memo to my coworkers. Do not distort me when
Speaker 1: I'm sitting in my makeup chair. Do not approach me
Speaker 1: in the hallway. A man, don't talk that way. Face
Speaker 1: is Steve, You're a diva. Be thirty seconds what he seconds?
Speaker 1: I will never ever for as long as I live.
Speaker 1: Yet what you did to those women in the miss
Speaker 1: you knows seconds. I know that you are a man
Speaker 1: of God, Steve, so I sulcerely hope that you are
Speaker 1: somewhere five seconds. Ship, that's one minute, right, that's one minute.
Speaker 1: Just think fresh up. Oh my word, this motherfucker's um
Speaker 1: Joel feedback. This is humiliated. Annie Donnelly just humiliated every
Speaker 1: gay person in this room, in this competition. She just
Speaker 1: gave us more drag than anybody else ever could. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing, though, I'm not sure I understood where that
Speaker 1: she screamed, Um, I know is about Steve Harvey and
Speaker 1: it was full energy. Um. Who is this person? I've
Speaker 1: never seen him in my life. Michelle the just the
Speaker 1: baddest bitch. I think it takes such guts to go
Speaker 1: thirty seconds over the prescribed one minute, and then to
Speaker 1: claim you've con here. I think it is a real
Speaker 1: bosss move. That is your white jumpsuit. Um, that is
Speaker 1: what you brought to this. So God bless you. I
Speaker 1: love you. But Michelle Collins, I'm actually going to piggyback
Speaker 1: off that and say you deserve those thirty seconds, because
Speaker 1: that rocky entrance was at least three minutes. Dam time.
Speaker 1: I loved it, but I was there for you, and
Speaker 1: I said. Now that being said, I also agree with
Speaker 1: you about toilet mirrors. Um. I don't like it. I
Speaker 1: don't like seeing it. And it also makes me realize
Speaker 1: how much roommate take up. When I sit on the subway,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh god, I'm like, no wonder. So I
Speaker 1: felt that it really I spread is real, Michelle, It
Speaker 1: really really is. It's my man's reading now, Annie, Uh,
Speaker 1: you can look at me? Okay, what she won't She
Speaker 1: won't look at me. Is this like a Steve Harvey
Speaker 1: like homage? Yes, it's just it's her nails. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Is this a personal thing? I'll kill her? Anyways?
Speaker 1: Al Right, well, great job. I guess that's it. My
Speaker 1: dad owns a Jack as Steve Harvey jacket from Sears,
Speaker 1: so that's all I have to say that that's true.
Speaker 1: But you look great. You look great. Um. I was
Speaker 1: terrified about this matchup from the start, and my expectations
Speaker 1: were not as high as they should have been. Um.
Speaker 1: I will start with Michelle. Every time you get up
Speaker 1: to a microphone, I mean, you could be pulling everything
Speaker 1: out of your ass at that moment. But it sounds
Speaker 1: like you wrote it, revised it, revised it again. It's
Speaker 1: fully formed, it's thought out, and I think you were
Speaker 1: planning to take that time and I respect that. Um. Annie,
Speaker 1: you fucking scare me. Um And I respect that too
Speaker 1: because I like being spooked. So I have that for you.
Speaker 1: Amazing feedback from the judges. What around? What a matchup?
Speaker 1: This is crazy, but you have to make a choice.
Speaker 1: Goes I. Count of three, slow, countdown, three to one.
Speaker 1: Let's get our names in and it is Michelle Michelle
Speaker 1: Route takes it home. There we guys, Annie Dunley, give
Speaker 1: it the funk up for this queen. Now now it's
Speaker 1: fine of say my second one was short, dick Man,
Speaker 1: Well you might have said that too soon, Annie, Annie Donney.
Speaker 1: There is a twist for round two. Each Bowen and
Speaker 1: I get to redeem someone and steal someone who has
Speaker 1: lost from the other team. Bowen, we'll go to you first,
Speaker 1: since you were winning as of right now. Who is
Speaker 1: your redemption? My redemption will be Oh, this is so
Speaker 1: so hard. Okay, you know what I have to redeem.
Speaker 1: Michael Hartney. Michael Hartney is bathroom the back of the
Speaker 1: mess back of the next Michael Harney, Matt, what about you?
Speaker 1: My redemption is going to be Pat Reagan because I
Speaker 1: believe in you and I believe that you can get
Speaker 1: up here and stand where you're supposed to fucking stand. Bowen,
Speaker 1: Who will you steal out of the people that have
Speaker 1: failed from my team to win? And move tons around? Two?
Speaker 1: I'm going to steal Elease Morales. Elie Morales is back
Speaker 1: in the max. Elease You're back in. That's an amazing choice.
Speaker 1: I'm really proud of. I'm really happy with that choice.
Speaker 1: And I steal Anti fucking Doddy bitch. There we go host.
Speaker 1: All right, you guys, we're gonna take a quick ten
Speaker 1: minute break. We know we're gonna take a five minute break.
Speaker 1: Right back here, drink Hi, everybody. This is Matt Rodgers.
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here with Bone Yang and we're the co
Speaker 1: host of the Last Cultures podcast, and we're so excited
Speaker 1: because we have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful live show that
Speaker 1: we want you, yes, you to be at. It's called
Speaker 1: I Don't Think So Honey Live. It's our third installment
Speaker 1: of the show and it's all going down at the
Speaker 1: Bellhouse on Saturday, Novem ten pm is part of Brooklyn
Speaker 1: Podcast Festival. Now. I am so excited for all of
Speaker 1: these guests. We picked out fifty brand new comedians who
Speaker 1: have not done and I don't think so, Honey live
Speaker 1: been one of our live shows before, to take something
Speaker 1: to task and culture that's bothering them and this is
Speaker 1: so fun. We're so excited to be part of the festival,
Speaker 1: to do our first show at the Bell House, and
Speaker 1: we hope you come out. It's always such a fun
Speaker 1: time and who knows, maybe you might get called up
Speaker 1: to do your own. I don't think so. There will
Speaker 1: be a raffle, and if you win the raffle, not
Speaker 1: only will you be heralded for giving to charity, pails
Speaker 1: will be able to do it. I don't think so, Honey,
Speaker 1: of your own, that's right, an interactive show, you bitch bit.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think you should really think about
Speaker 1: coming out to this. I think you're gonna have a
Speaker 1: good time, a lot of good talent, a lot of
Speaker 1: good friends. Possibly you know what general drinks to choose
Speaker 1: from from the bar? Yeah, they have their liquor license.
Speaker 1: That's always number one. Gotta have the liquor license, and
Speaker 1: then number two stage a stage and number three the
Speaker 1: cabaret laws are gone. You can dance all you want. Now, wow, Well,
Speaker 1: don't answering the show because you know there's a show
Speaker 1: going on and people want to be focused on that.
Speaker 1: But you know you wouldn't go to prison if you dance.
Speaker 1: We would just not not appreciate it. And that's what
Speaker 1: America is all about. See what the show by. We're
Speaker 1: gonna keep things rolling. We know, we know that this
Speaker 1: is gonna be a fucking marathon, but you know what,
Speaker 1: it's all worth it for the cultural stuff. Then awards,
Speaker 1: we're gonna streamline things a little bit. Guys, this is
Speaker 1: gonna be so fun. Matt, explain to everybody what's gonna happen. Now,
Speaker 1: here's what's gonna happen. We have thirteen contestants left. What
Speaker 1: you're about to see is thirteen I don't think I
Speaker 1: don't think so Honey is right in a row. Our
Speaker 1: judges are gonna be watching closely, and at the end
Speaker 1: of the I don't think so honey is, they are
Speaker 1: each going to choose one contestants to move on to
Speaker 1: the finals. We are then going to have a final three,
Speaker 1: and they will duke it out based on a trollbal
Speaker 1: suggestion topic from the judges. You can do anything you want.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey, any topic it alright, So
Speaker 1: we are going to be starting. I'll tell you all
Speaker 1: the order right now. We're gonna go, Tim Murray, Annie Donnley,
Speaker 1: I hope your costume changes over. Pat Reagan, Michael Hartney,
Speaker 1: Elsa Morales, Greta Titleman, Michelle Bluteau, Peter Smith, Chill with
Speaker 1: Sharp Ray Sonny, Nicole Silverberg, Dylan Maron, Dave Mazzoni. Alright,
Speaker 1: let's go. Let's do Who's ready, Who's ready? Who's ready? Yes?
Speaker 1: How here we go. Tim Murray, please make your way
Speaker 1: to the stage. Annie Donley, you are on deck all right.
Speaker 1: This is Tim Murray, who is on Team Matt, Team
Speaker 1: Matt and his I don't think so, honey. Time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. College theater programs, why are
Speaker 1: these even still a thing? There are no jobs in theater.
Speaker 1: We need to stop teaching young white blonde girls two
Speaker 1: time step. They need to fill out ball, change their
Speaker 1: major to business. There are eight hundred seventy four hundred
Speaker 1: and six young white blonde women majoring in musical theater
Speaker 1: this year. And there are three jobs and one of
Speaker 1: them is Hamilton's. They're not gonna be in that, at
Speaker 1: least I hope not. And what what what? What? Why
Speaker 1: are we even distill doing this? There? We need doctors,
Speaker 1: we need lawyers, we need people in the Peace Corps.
Speaker 1: We don't need another bitch belting the end of astonishing
Speaker 1: a half stopped flat that gets your sag eligibility will
Speaker 1: not save the world, you know, I will save the world.
Speaker 1: Nothing the programs. Fine, I don't think so. I need
Speaker 1: to get a job. That's why. Minute. That was him, Murray, everyone,
Speaker 1: Mury next, please welcome to patriganzl on deck. But please
Speaker 1: welcome Annie Dolly back stage. And here it's raining, it's raining,
Speaker 1: it's raining. Any timely, here we go. I'm t Matt.
Speaker 1: Now this is one minute. Time starts now. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey. The judges commentary on the first round, like,
Speaker 1: could it be any longer? Hey, this is at your
Speaker 1: comedy said problem anymore? Honey. This show is for Bowen
Speaker 1: and Maud and the performers. Michelle monologue, Enough, honey, time
Speaker 1: to make some friends, Honey, time to go outside and
Speaker 1: talk to somebody. Honey, you got fifty of the audience
Speaker 1: leaving because y'all motherfucker's gonna shut the funk up. We
Speaker 1: are powder, bitch, we are tired, We want to go home.
Speaker 1: We want you to make it seconds, oh fifty seconds. No,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep a brief. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Fuck you judges. I know we said we were gonna
Speaker 1: have at it, and I will just share with you.
Speaker 1: Matt texted me last night and I quote, it's hard
Speaker 1: because the crux of our entire show is the judging panel.
Speaker 1: And also, why was I the only fucking one who
Speaker 1: got called that? Joel's not talking for a just Pat
Speaker 1: Regan Michael Harney on Tech. This is Pat Reagan on
Speaker 1: Team Matt Team. His time starts new. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: People who always come for Selina Gomez to just get
Speaker 1: the funk off of her job. She's like, not a
Speaker 1: great singer. That's not her fucking job. She's fun and
Speaker 1: she's breathy, and she speaks sings and she has fun
Speaker 1: hair like I feel like she's being a fucking gambit.
Speaker 1: Medical Nightmare is like Captain Taylor Swift's fucking freezer, like
Speaker 1: Justin Bieber like, and people come for her like because
Speaker 1: she's not amazing, like it was Britney spears so fucking
Speaker 1: great at singing, at singing things, so honey, like we
Speaker 1: have seen Selena and the Pantine commercials. She found her voice.
Speaker 1: And you know what, I fucking still to this day,
Speaker 1: to this moment, ship Selena and Justin, and I love
Speaker 1: that she's going back and I love that they went
Speaker 1: to church not once but twice together. And then she
Speaker 1: took Sunday off and had some coffee by herself. And
Speaker 1: guess what, like I think like she like took some
Speaker 1: time and was strong, and I think she was fun
Speaker 1: in her bed act and Saturday Night Live. That was
Speaker 1: fun to me. And I liked the men who snapped
Speaker 1: around her. And that's one at least her house is
Speaker 1: on deck. But now please welcome my Michael, my heart
Speaker 1: to stitch. Here we go, Michael Hartney, Uh, your time
Speaker 1: starts now. I don't think so, honey. Having to consolidate
Speaker 1: my content, I don't think so, honey. Restaurants serve that
Speaker 1: little bottle of diet coke. We're gonna need a bigger
Speaker 1: boat bitch, I don't think so, honey. Bear face. That's
Speaker 1: that thing where gay men of size and hair make
Speaker 1: this face in the selfie. Oh that's what we need
Speaker 1: a Chelsea cub for your face to look rounder. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. The People's improv Theater, Honey, that
Speaker 1: place is like if a participation trophy had three stages
Speaker 1: and ten dollar beers. I don't think so, honey. And
Speaker 1: that my god, Michael Harty, I, oh my god, Michael
Speaker 1: Harney needing a real run for it in the finals.
Speaker 1: And now at least on come on this one. And
Speaker 1: this was my steel. I'm proud of stolen her. This
Speaker 1: is her time starting now. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: When you're talking about nuclear war with your friends and
Speaker 1: somebody says, um, I'd rather go out in the first blast. Okay,
Speaker 1: I hear you. I respect you. I will fucking eat
Speaker 1: you to survive. Do you understand I am not going
Speaker 1: down in this ship. I will be one of those
Speaker 1: fish that changes from male to female just to adapt
Speaker 1: to its situation. I'm gonna be fucking my melted ask
Speaker 1: is gonna survive this ship. You'll be talking to my
Speaker 1: shadow in the ground don't you misunderstand me? Okay? And
Speaker 1: so I hope, I hope that you are okay with
Speaker 1: me taking your fillings out and using it as currency
Speaker 1: and the mad Max government to come because that ship
Speaker 1: is happening. I'm robbing you, I'm taking your clothes. You're dying.
Speaker 1: That's amazing. But I am fucking done with you. I
Speaker 1: do not think so, honey, and I'm done. Wos imagine
Speaker 1: this a show was pacing showing on Michelle Please welcome
Speaker 1: gret a title. There we go. Oh you know? Okay,
Speaker 1: and this is credit time starting now. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Mandy Moore playing an old person on this is okay, bitch.
Speaker 1: That job should go to an old lady, not your
Speaker 1: dumbass and bad makeup. Okay. Also, you look like a
Speaker 1: fucking turtle. Do you want to know what make me?
Speaker 1: But made me feel uncomfortable? You dressed as a seventy
Speaker 1: five year old walking down the block with your adopted
Speaker 1: black son in a fedora. Okay, bitch, you are not old.
Speaker 1: You should not be playing old. You should be counting
Speaker 1: your lucky fucking stars. And someone was like, maybe we
Speaker 1: should put Mandy Moore in this insane television show. So like,
Speaker 1: just be lucky, be blessed, bitch, okay, because I think
Speaker 1: the old person is just a bit of an ask
Speaker 1: that seconds. There we go. Peter Smith is onto unbelievable.
Speaker 1: And now please welcome Michelle. Michelle. Here we go. Bo
Speaker 1: time starts. Now I don't think so, honey. Drunk men
Speaker 1: who want to take their little dick's out and pain
Speaker 1: the fucking street, I know you have to go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom. We all have to go to the motherfucking bathroom. Okay.
Speaker 1: Are you a dog? Are you an animal? Do you
Speaker 1: know how to go to the bathroom? Do you know
Speaker 1: how to use a toilet? Do you know how to
Speaker 1: ask if they have a toilet, then use a motherfucking toilets.
Speaker 1: Who are these drunk bitches taking their little fucking pick
Speaker 1: dicks out for everybody to see like it's fucking normal.
Speaker 1: What are you a human sprinkler? Not gotta breathe in
Speaker 1: your urbin bacteria? No, motherfucker no, I'm just saying, if
Speaker 1: it's cool for dudes to whip their dick out and
Speaker 1: pee and relieve themselves, then women should have their tits out.
Speaker 1: No brawl, breast speeding, people, even if they don't have babies,
Speaker 1: bread speeding their dogs, doing whatever the funk they gotta do.
Speaker 1: Because if you're dick out is normal than my geiographic
Speaker 1: fucking brown titty the right ones bigger I call it,
Speaker 1: John McCain. That ship should be out to out in
Speaker 1: the streets me squatting me pee and that's not a
Speaker 1: big deal either. Okay, fuck you. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: When your small tick, but that's a twelve sackey. She
Speaker 1: took the time with the only people that didn't use
Speaker 1: their time. There you go. That's how that works on
Speaker 1: jac was sharp. But now please welcome Peter. No props
Speaker 1: need at this time, Peter Smith, your time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. Shrimp sometime in nighties something
Speaker 1: people said, oh, shrimp healthy seafood, biggest lie I ever told.
Speaker 1: Shrimp is not healthy. Shrimp is the ocean's vacuum. Do
Speaker 1: I want to deep throat my vacuum? No? If I
Speaker 1: wanted to put a bottom feer in my mouth, I
Speaker 1: would read download grinder, baby, And you're thinking, oh not, Peter, Peter.
Speaker 1: Protein see food is protein, know as protein, come as protein?
Speaker 1: I want do I want to come on my salad. No,
Speaker 1: if I wanted to come all over my salad, I
Speaker 1: would read download grinder baby, and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what else it's filled with, filled with carcinogens,
Speaker 1: unregulated waters people. If I wanted something that is cancerous,
Speaker 1: bad for me, yeah, turns pink when it gets hot,
Speaker 1: I would read download seeking Arrangement, And I get a
Speaker 1: seven to year old sugar daddy with heart disease and
Speaker 1: lung cancer. And that's what I just want to stay
Speaker 1: really quickly more and Keuter show Sunday at am at
Speaker 1: Carolines on Broadway. Carolines Sense Peter ray Sony is on
Speaker 1: deck and now we have who would have helped and
Speaker 1: didn't see you? I don't think so, honey. Her time
Speaker 1: starts now. I don't think so, honey. Two pats of
Speaker 1: butter for a whole bread basket. What the funk are
Speaker 1: y'all doing? Do you seen me? Do you seen me?
Speaker 1: I am by myself. I'm asking if you have bread.
Speaker 1: That means I'm gonna need butter. Don't give me this too.
Speaker 1: I don't know why you think I'm healthy. I'm by
Speaker 1: myself asking for brett. I got issues I need all
Speaker 1: the funny you have. What the funds are, Pat, that's
Speaker 1: not even in any kind of Betty Crocker book of measurement.
Speaker 1: I need more, butter. Don't make no decisions. Give me
Speaker 1: the salt and pepper two. I don't know what y'all
Speaker 1: doing back there. I know you ain't got no ghetto
Speaker 1: or are in salt, so I know it's not gonna
Speaker 1: be enough. Give me salt, Give me butter. In fact,
Speaker 1: don't even bring your food. Why am I here because
Speaker 1: I don't feel like eating a rotisserie chicken from Cape
Speaker 1: Foods over my kitchen shink anymore. You don't bring me
Speaker 1: the goddamn butter. I don't think so. With these two
Speaker 1: little pats, she'll have a shot Shan the Calleri Sack.
Speaker 1: And now on deck is the call Silverberg. And up
Speaker 1: right now it's Ray Sunny. This is Ray Sanny's. I
Speaker 1: don't think so, honey. Her time starts now. I don't
Speaker 1: think so, honey. My big black African lives being dry
Speaker 1: as fuck as soon as October, saying there's just so
Speaker 1: much surface area for wind. It's terrible, no matter how
Speaker 1: many times I stick my face into a rosebud tin
Speaker 1: I'm dry as ship like a crackhead before I get
Speaker 1: to fifty ninth Street. The ship sucks. I have plenty
Speaker 1: of other reasons to be dehydrated. I drink, I use
Speaker 1: adderall irresponsibly. I'm not sandas right now, but that's not
Speaker 1: fair that you see that ship before I get to
Speaker 1: take it seconds. My parents came all the way from
Speaker 1: West Africa to America, work hard to get me into
Speaker 1: the best schools, and niggas couldn't find a good batch
Speaker 1: of Bird's beach. That's one minute. Dylan Marin is on deck, unvoiable?
Speaker 1: On deck is Dylan Marin? Up? Now is Nicole sillermon
Speaker 1: on team? Nicole? I don't think so, honey, Her time
Speaker 1: starts now. I don't think so, honey. Special saw bitch
Speaker 1: your thousand Island dress, saying, okay, you show me one
Speaker 1: fucking special sauce isn't hinds and Hellman's mixed together with
Speaker 1: a little bit of yellow mustard. Okay, bitch, you put
Speaker 1: in a little bit of onions. Do you think that
Speaker 1: this would do well on a cooking show? You think
Speaker 1: that a chef would look at this and go, oh wow, Yes,
Speaker 1: that's very special, very unique. Can you fucking imagine being
Speaker 1: the most pathetic bitch in the world, be like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, special sauce on a sandwich that looks amazing.
Speaker 1: I I wonder what it's gonna bring, literally to the
Speaker 1: table and then taking a bite and going wow, I
Speaker 1: have no idea what this is. Fuck you, fuck you
Speaker 1: special sauce. I don't think so, honey. Tell me if
Speaker 1: that was an island dressing, be real with me. This
Speaker 1: is okay, I don't And that's one minute, Nicole vital
Speaker 1: person on deck tables only. But now please welcome Till
Speaker 1: and Mary and the Prince. Alright, his time starts now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey. T S a pre check. Okay.
Speaker 1: It is the verified check, the elitist verified check of
Speaker 1: the skies. I don't think so, honey. Okay. I'm sitting
Speaker 1: in line with my little coach ticket, okay, because I
Speaker 1: don't have it together to get t S a pre check,
Speaker 1: and I'm jealous of all the people passing by. And
Speaker 1: you know what, today I went to JFK to get
Speaker 1: t S a pre check. And you know what, Christina,
Speaker 1: my new friend, told me, of people get approved five percent.
Speaker 1: Don't why, I asked Christina, I don't know. Randomly people
Speaker 1: get turned away for t S A pre check. Also,
Speaker 1: you know those big X ray machines that pass over
Speaker 1: you for us people who don't have t S A
Speaker 1: pre check, The pump carcinogens into your body. So what
Speaker 1: is this the American healthcare system? Because the poor are
Speaker 1: getting sick? And that's one minute, very unbrands, very unbrand
Speaker 1: for you. Gotta keep gotta stick to that brand. Oh
Speaker 1: but he doesn't. We're all a little smarter, but a
Speaker 1: little sadder. No, thank you, dad, We're the better Horry.
Speaker 1: And now we have Dave Mazzoni with a special surprise
Speaker 1: for Bowen. It is Bowen's birthday one, two three, Happy
Speaker 1: birthday to you, hippyirthday, happy and we love you, my
Speaker 1: best friend, rad Doll that you alright, Luca, bitch? Do
Speaker 1: you this is Dave Azzoni's I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: His time starts now. I don't think so, honey. Live photos?
Speaker 1: What is this meaningless technology? Why do I need it?
Speaker 1: If I wanted to see myself, we will wobble in
Speaker 1: at the Dream Hotel trying to make myself look cute
Speaker 1: in five seconds for this photo, I would have flipped
Speaker 1: up in a Harry Potter newspaper and looked at my
Speaker 1: goblin ass. This is Harry Potter technology. It is unnecessary.
Speaker 1: So the other day it was the first for me.
Speaker 1: I received my first live dick pit. Anybody got one
Speaker 1: of these yet? So you press in hold and you
Speaker 1: see that motherfucker squeezing and pulling it out on the toilet. Bitch.
Speaker 1: I see your prior moment, and I understand you, Queen.
Speaker 1: You cannot hide anything from me. I don't think so, honey.
Speaker 1: Live photos this technology, bitch, that's the same. There we go,
Speaker 1: do everything. Now, got the fun of this stage? Sunk
Speaker 1: off the stage. Oh my god. Now we have seen
Speaker 1: thirteen I don't think Johnny. Seven of them our team
Speaker 1: Bow and six of them are Team Mad. We are
Speaker 1: now going to go to the judges, who are clearly
Speaker 1: deliberating and find out who the top three. I don't
Speaker 1: think think so, honey, yours are Now. First, we're gonna
Speaker 1: go to Tyler. We're gonna mix it up a little bit. Tyler,
Speaker 1: who have you selected to move on? And why I'm
Speaker 1: gonna bring back Annie Donalding Annie Final, who's spin in
Speaker 1: the face of the judges has been brought back by
Speaker 1: the judges. She is the she is in the finals, alright,
Speaker 1: to the finals. Alright. She was gonna be the bigger
Speaker 1: person to pick Annie, but Tyler, you have it. No.
Speaker 1: I'm happy though that I didn't, because also like fuck her,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Now, I'm kidding, but I
Speaker 1: like I'm a I'm an adult, but you know what
Speaker 1: fun that? So no, I'm not picking Annie. Um, But
Speaker 1: don't come from me again, Annie, because i I'm sensitive
Speaker 1: on a cancer. Okay, another monologue, Adams, You're welcome. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go with Dave Dame and Annie Donney and Dave
Speaker 1: Mazzoni both Team matt are in the finals. Joel, who
Speaker 1: have you selected to compete in the finals. Wow, I
Speaker 1: didn't think about the teams when I was That's why
Speaker 1: you don't have to keep thinking about it. Um. So
Speaker 1: this person, if these two hags are the steamboat Willie
Speaker 1: who created the first the Originals, I believe this person
Speaker 1: is the lion king, the beauty and the beast who
Speaker 1: brought the form forward, who really made it his own,
Speaker 1: and I'm bringing back the ultimate Pat Regan. Well that
Speaker 1: is that means that I have one culture war. Sorry
Speaker 1: day I want to give a fut of applause to
Speaker 1: all my fucking teammates. You guys turned to the suck out.
Speaker 1: I want to thank any troup. Will not not any over, Peter,
Speaker 1: specially with shirt Michael Hartney meats are too hard, Sad Tagger,
Speaker 1: great Titleman, and Dylan Maron. Now in the meantime, let's
Speaker 1: get Pat, Annie and Dave up here on the stage.
Speaker 1: All of you know this is too much. Waits, there's
Speaker 1: another there's another entrance. Oh my god, this is chaos iconic.
Speaker 1: Al right, now, Anny, you, why don't you take center?
Speaker 1: And Pat, why don't you be stage right? We can
Speaker 1: figure this out right, all right. So now here's the
Speaker 1: way it's gonna work. Each judge has a troll bowl
Speaker 1: topic that is engineered to fuck you all up. You
Speaker 1: will have to I don't think so, honey, this topic. Now, Annie,
Speaker 1: you have already begun to stand center stage, So why
Speaker 1: don't you start? Joel can Booster it was gonna go
Speaker 1: second and Tyler Coates you are ready with your trothball topic.
Speaker 1: I'm ready, all right. So by the time you say it,
Speaker 1: Bowen will hit the clock. All right, Dolly, pardon this
Speaker 1: is Annie Donney's I don't think so, honey. Trouble for
Speaker 1: Dolly pardon her time starts now. I don't think so.
Speaker 1: Dolly Parton's shaking those who has making all the girls
Speaker 1: feel less of a woman. Dolly. I have something for you.
Speaker 1: It's called as Honey, get some of that batch. But
Speaker 1: you are such a diva having your own Dollywood honey.
Speaker 1: And I like you're like a like a blue color
Speaker 1: comedy tour guy. Like you're so obsessed with your brand, Dolly,
Speaker 1: Like seriously, and also I just have to say that
Speaker 1: you pander to white uh supremacist. I just have to say.
Speaker 1: I just have to say, boot scoot, boogie your way
Speaker 1: on back to the south pitch, and don't your trala
Speaker 1: law in the North, honey, because nobody wants your sequence
Speaker 1: and cowboy hats up here, honey, I'm not asking. Also,
Speaker 1: what the fund is? What the judges here? Honestly, seriously,
Speaker 1: I hope like Tyler Coats, I don't think so, honey,
Speaker 1: who is that? I don't think so? You know what,
Speaker 1: that's one minute. You can't argue, you can't. All right,
Speaker 1: Dave take center stage. Shave takes center This is David Zoni's,
Speaker 1: I think, honey, fucking whole thing. Michelle picked Dave to
Speaker 1: Michelle will assign No, Joel is Joel is Michelley alright, good,
Speaker 1: I only want you to do this. That's actually I
Speaker 1: picked you already, all right, so let's give already. Oh god,
Speaker 1: I ruined. I actually didn't. I didn't hear better. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want you to do and I don't think so
Speaker 1: honey on the view. Gells old employer Davil zonies Dave's
Speaker 1: I don't think so, honey on the view. Time starts now,
Speaker 1: I don't think so honey the view, So tell me
Speaker 1: the pitch, like, put me in the pitch meeting. So
Speaker 1: it's four girls and they kind of their friends, like
Speaker 1: their husbands work together, but like they all sit and
Speaker 1: they talk, and each one of them kind of has
Speaker 1: like their own perspective, their own their own view. And
Speaker 1: I don't know, I just think it could be really
Speaker 1: great to like, like you know, talk about issues and
Speaker 1: sell products. And also we could bring on celebrity guests
Speaker 1: and they could sell products. Um, we could also have
Speaker 1: lots of commercials in between for different Clorox products. Clorox
Speaker 1: give us a hundred thousand dollars so we can set
Speaker 1: up a coffee table for Rose O'donald Wooby Goldberg and
Speaker 1: the rest of them to sit and chats. Honestly, the
Speaker 1: gig I dreamed for gave you. Let's make it happen logo.
Speaker 1: Where are you put me on a couchs bitch? I
Speaker 1: want this gig. I deserved this gig. And that's one minute.
Speaker 1: He deserves this gig. That gig in particular, this David Zoni.
Speaker 1: Everybody wow, and finally we have this is the Lost
Speaker 1: Culture he says, I kind of would winner, and if
Speaker 1: he wins tonight, it just means we should never fucking
Speaker 1: ever have a contest again, because clearly there's already a
Speaker 1: Lost Culture Icon Award. And all comes down to this moment,
Speaker 1: Joel pat I really thought, what would be the hardest
Speaker 1: one for you to do? What's outside your wheelhouse? What
Speaker 1: would be hard for the audience to get on board with?
Speaker 1: And I would like to hear and I don't think so,
Speaker 1: honey on Hillary Clinton. This is pattery again. I don't
Speaker 1: think so honey on Hillary Clinton. Time starts now. I
Speaker 1: don't think so honey, Hillary Clinton, like on no offense,
Speaker 1: but like zero start quality. I feel, where is the present?
Speaker 1: Where is that pass? As? Like I don't know, go
Speaker 1: like get some camp, like I maybe would be in
Speaker 1: a different spot as like a country. I know that's
Speaker 1: not there, And like if she was a man would
Speaker 1: be be asking does she have presence? Honestly probably and
Speaker 1: I don't know, like for me, for me, for me,
Speaker 1: and like this is some coming from someone who really
Speaker 1: doesn't know how to engage with my hair, Like I
Speaker 1: just think, change your hair every once in a while,
Speaker 1: just for you, like have fun with it. And I'm
Speaker 1: like wondering where is she? Where is she? Never? Like
Speaker 1: I want to see what she's doing. I want her
Speaker 1: to be like kind of publicly blogging and I don't
Speaker 1: I don't want to read what happens, but I do
Speaker 1: want to know, Like I look, she's like instructing us
Speaker 1: spins class somewhere, and I want to see that, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. I just think she got a
Speaker 1: fresh start, and like I just think that she should
Speaker 1: be like fun or I don't think so, honey, Hill
Speaker 1: really climed ahead and that's one minute from cal Wow,
Speaker 1: the judges deliberate. Now, I just want to say that
Speaker 1: every single person who's done, and I don't think so, Honey,
Speaker 1: tonight has been absolutely amazing. Give it up for everyone, everybody, everybody.
Speaker 1: The finalists are Dave Marazzoni, Pat Reagan, and Annie Donley.
Speaker 1: We want to thank our judges, Tyler Coat, Michelle Collins
Speaker 1: and Joel Kim Booster. Want to thank you guys all
Speaker 1: so much for coming. Yes, it appears that we have
Speaker 1: arrived at a decision. Do we have a third place,
Speaker 1: second place, first place or do we have a first
Speaker 1: place winner? I think we have We're gonna do first
Speaker 1: place because you know what, it's fucking late, all right, Um,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not going to keep you guys into spense.
Speaker 1: I think the answer is clear. The winner, as always
Speaker 1: is Patrigan. Play the trap. If I dream, this is
Speaker 1: a make your speech, make your speech. I have very
Speaker 1: little to say. I just want to say that awards
Speaker 1: are so silly, or it's are very silly, but thank you.
Speaker 1: This was too much fun. And I do identify as
Speaker 1: having bombed, but as identify as having bombed, And yet
Speaker 1: here he is the winner of the last culture it's
Speaker 1: just Icon Award for a second time and one dollar
Speaker 1: Venmo Prize a count but he's gonna he's gonna take
Speaker 1: that a long way. He well, he want to change
Speaker 1: my financialscape. Everyone, thank you so much for coming to
Speaker 1: coach you have a great night. Go see the rest
Speaker 1: of the shows this week at the festival. Thank you
Speaker 1: to the New York Comedy Festival. Have a great now.
Speaker 1: This is so much filling, Pat take your moment. This
Speaker 1: has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Brett Boham,
Speaker 1: Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please
Speaker 1: visit Forever Dog Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our
Speaker 1: shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following
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