Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: I wish I had a beautiful crystal bottle trimmed in
Speaker 1: gold with a lovely on a cap on it. And
Speaker 1: if I did, I would speak into that bottle, you
Speaker 1: can have what you want, and I would sell it.
Speaker 1: I'd sell it on eBay. I'd sell it on Etsy
Speaker 1: for five cents. I wouldn't even charge a lot for it.
Speaker 1: But the beauty of it, this crystal bottle trimmed and
Speaker 1: gold with the ornate cap, filled with the statement, the belief,
Speaker 1: the declaration, the affirmation you can have what you want.
Speaker 1: I want to just make it available and hopefully it
Speaker 1: will help people believe it. You can have what you want.
Speaker 1: You don't have to accommodate crazy, you don't have to
Speaker 1: tolerate bad behavior, you don't have to eliminate your values.
Speaker 1: You can have what you want. And so very often
Speaker 1: when we make a choice that takes a left turn,
Speaker 1: we think we've done something wrong from which we will
Speaker 1: never recover, and we accept, accommodate, and tolerate crazy. You
Speaker 1: can have what you want, and it doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: many bad choices you make, you can have what you want.
Speaker 1: My guest today thinks this is about children, and it's
Speaker 1: really not. It's really about believing that you can have
Speaker 1: what you want. And if you don't believe you can
Speaker 1: have what you want, the way you will set yourself
Speaker 1: up the fall flat on your face. Good morning, beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the art spot. And what is the challenge
Speaker 1: issue question that you have that we can dig into today?
Speaker 1: So my biggest problem is negative thinking, more of really
Speaker 1: for the past and for the future. So like the past,
Speaker 1: definitely get to my way currently, you know, which makes
Speaker 1: me fearful for the future. As it retains to my relationship.
Speaker 1: Is there a particular area of the relationship, is in
Speaker 1: particular issue in the relationship that negative thinking is impacting? Yeah, so, um,
Speaker 1: he he has a son. I don't have any children,
Speaker 1: and so right away it's like okay, and so just
Speaker 1: seeing how as of as of late, it just doesn't
Speaker 1: feel like it just makes me wonder if he'll be
Speaker 1: able to like not necessarily provide, but also be able
Speaker 1: to contribute to our relationship. UM, Like in starting like
Speaker 1: a life with me, Me and son have a really really,
Speaker 1: really good relationship. We talked more than him and his
Speaker 1: dad talk. But it just worries me, like how that
Speaker 1: transition will be when I'm I've always been by myself
Speaker 1: and always on the go by myself, and now it's
Speaker 1: like I don't want to be just like a step
Speaker 1: mom and now my life is family and I can't
Speaker 1: live a life that I've been living or traveling and
Speaker 1: being very carefree. We'll not necessarily care free, but just
Speaker 1: more free with my life than he's able to be.
Speaker 1: So that's what worries me about the future. And then
Speaker 1: it just becomes a spiral of well if you had
Speaker 1: done this in the past, you know, So then I
Speaker 1: just begin to get very hard on him about the
Speaker 1: choices he made. How old is your relationship? UM? Since
Speaker 1: last June twenty one, so a year in a couple
Speaker 1: of a year about four months, So you are in
Speaker 1: a one year relationship with a man who has a
Speaker 1: seven year old son. Yes, let me acknowledge him m
Speaker 1: for being in his son's life. Let me just acknowledge that.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you acknowledge it, but I just
Speaker 1: want to acknowledge that. And I'm assuming that he sees
Speaker 1: his son what on the weekends regularly? Does he live
Speaker 1: with you all? What is? What is the situation? So
Speaker 1: we both moved to Detroit. He moved last year last
Speaker 1: mate from North Carolina. So his son is in North Carolina.
Speaker 1: My parent and I don't live together. We live just
Speaker 1: in the same like surrounding city. So he's come, his
Speaker 1: sons came to visit twice, but I'm usually they're watching
Speaker 1: him because his dad works at night. So you are
Speaker 1: in a one year old relationship with a man who
Speaker 1: has a seven year old son who lives in another state.
Speaker 1: And in that year, you've seen this boy, this child
Speaker 1: two three times maybe yeah, three times? His son had
Speaker 1: you know, I had taken him to the pool and
Speaker 1: I said, you know, and I was like, all right,
Speaker 1: you need to go take a shower. There's an attery.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, this is this is a shampoo, this
Speaker 1: is a conditioner. And he was like, you're acting like
Speaker 1: a bi c A. She didn't spell it right. You
Speaker 1: know he seven, but I told him my partner and
Speaker 1: he did nothing tact. You know. It's like, I really
Speaker 1: rather not even deal with kids, but I'm embracing what
Speaker 1: you come with. But you can at least be a
Speaker 1: partner and put him being more assertive with him and
Speaker 1: stuck up for me at the same time. Okay, and
Speaker 1: what did you say in this good relationship with the
Speaker 1: sun when he said that to you? What did you
Speaker 1: say to him? At the time, I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: more observing how my partner is going to take on
Speaker 1: this situation. But when his sons and when his unsaid it,
Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, you just go ahead in
Speaker 1: the shower, you know, because I'm we're already about to
Speaker 1: go home. My mom is visiting, you know, from l A,
Speaker 1: so we went to her hotel to swim there. So
Speaker 1: we're already about to leave and go back to your
Speaker 1: dad's house, and you know, we can take care of
Speaker 1: it then. And so I talked about it. He didn't
Speaker 1: do any things, an's your question. I did not necessarily
Speaker 1: say much, but all right, we're leaving, you know, because
Speaker 1: I perfectly did not have kids so I could discipline them. Well,
Speaker 1: the question that I asked, was what did you say
Speaker 1: to you, as an adult woman, fully in controlablr faculties,
Speaker 1: what did you say to a child when he called
Speaker 1: you out of your name? I made sure he meant
Speaker 1: the actual word. And that's honestly like all I remember
Speaker 1: me saying. I was in the supermarket with my great
Speaker 1: grandson and he met up with another little boy in
Speaker 1: the supermarket, and the little boy in him kind of
Speaker 1: I don't know, interacted with one another, and my grandson,
Speaker 1: who was very friendly, said to him, are you going
Speaker 1: to be my friend? And the little boy said, fool.
Speaker 1: I don't know you. And as an adult in full
Speaker 1: control of my faculties, I said to the child, beloved,
Speaker 1: it is you don't get to call people you don't
Speaker 1: know a fool, At which point his mother came over,
Speaker 1: another adult and full control of her faculties, and she
Speaker 1: said what did he say? I said, no, no, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, I said, you you don't know this person.
Speaker 1: He's a stranger to you, but he's also your brother,
Speaker 1: and so it's not kind, into a loving or respectful
Speaker 1: to you or him to call him a fool. And
Speaker 1: the mother said, like what he called? Who did he
Speaker 1: call it? I said, it's okay, mom, it's okay. I said,
Speaker 1: Now tell me what you heard me say. He said,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't say fool. I said, well, you may say it,
Speaker 1: but you shouldn't say it to strangers, because that makes
Speaker 1: you seem mean and disrespectful, and you don't want to
Speaker 1: see mean and disrespectful, do you? And he said no.
Speaker 1: I said, okay. So I said to my great grandson,
Speaker 1: so what do you want to say to him? And
Speaker 1: he said, I forgive you. And the little boy said
Speaker 1: thank you. Little boy said thank you. And I said
Speaker 1: to his mother it's okay. This guy stuff going on,
Speaker 1: you know. And I went on and got my my
Speaker 1: milk and mine everything. So I just am not getting
Speaker 1: why in that moment you didn't correct the child with
Speaker 1: the understanding that I'm new in this child's life. Um,
Speaker 1: if we're going to have this ongoing relationship, I need
Speaker 1: to establish boundaries with him right now. But I'm hearing
Speaker 1: you say you didn't as an adult. I don't care
Speaker 1: if it was your boyfriend's child, the neighbor's child, a
Speaker 1: strange child in the supermarket, that as an adult you
Speaker 1: didn't correct the child and create a boundary with him.
Speaker 1: But instead told your partner and then have issue with
Speaker 1: the way he handled it. That goes way beyond negative thinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I told the month prior was the first time I
Speaker 1: met him in Martrolina, and I had already seen his behavior,
Speaker 1: and so at this point I'm like, Okay, you guys,
Speaker 1: let him do whatever over the smallest theme, like not
Speaker 1: get hit Dr Pepper. And he's not east at least
Speaker 1: grateful that he just got like everything he wanted, you know.
Speaker 1: But he's like, but he's got back there throwing a tantrum,
Speaker 1: I mean, extremely rude towards you because he didn't get that.
Speaker 1: So I guess at the time, I'm like, I'm a
Speaker 1: verbing Okay, how do you raise your like your set? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you don't have children, and he's the weekend dad.
Speaker 1: You don't have children except for this child that's in
Speaker 1: your life, and he is a weekend dad. And one
Speaker 1: of the major issues that comes up in very many
Speaker 1: relationships are the different parenting styles. Mother may have one,
Speaker 1: father may have the other. You know, you may have
Speaker 1: a drill sergeant dad and make the child happy mom,
Speaker 1: or you have a drill sergeant mom and I'm your
Speaker 1: friend dad. So that's a common issue. What I'm hearing
Speaker 1: that I really want to support you in. It's not
Speaker 1: about negative thinking. It's about judgments and the fact that
Speaker 1: you would do it one way and he's doing it
Speaker 1: another way, and you have to ments about that. Yes, okay.
Speaker 1: Have you and your partner had a conversation about how
Speaker 1: he wants you to interact with his son when he comes.
Speaker 1: He never put expectations on me on how we should interact.
Speaker 1: Have you and him had a conversation about your different
Speaker 1: parenting styles? And it doesn't have to be a judgment
Speaker 1: or an accusation. It could be I see that you're
Speaker 1: really permissive with your son, and perhaps that's because he comes,
Speaker 1: you know, so irregularly, or you see him so sparsely.
Speaker 1: I have a different parenting style, and I just want
Speaker 1: to share that with you so that when you see
Speaker 1: it it won't be a shock to you. Have you
Speaker 1: had that conversation with it? No, Oh, that might be helpful.
Speaker 1: But I'm also hearing the fact that you have a
Speaker 1: concern or a fee, or even a judgment that should
Speaker 1: you and your partner become permanent in your relationship or
Speaker 1: committed or married or whatever you want to call it,
Speaker 1: I don't want to use the wrong language. You're concerned
Speaker 1: about how his resources and his time and his energy
Speaker 1: will be split between you and his son. Would that
Speaker 1: be accurate? Yes, M Then we'll talk about that when
Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. What are you telling yourself
Speaker 1: about how you see sense field think worry? Are afraid
Speaker 1: that your partner will split his time and his resources
Speaker 1: between you and his son. So you, like you hit
Speaker 1: it right on the head. He said it that you know,
Speaker 1: because he comes not so often, there are certain ways,
Speaker 1: like there are certain things that he just doesn't do.
Speaker 1: And I wholeheartedly understood that right out of guilt, out
Speaker 1: of saying, hey, like I'm leaving to find a new job,
Speaker 1: and also stuff that he does not, you know, do
Speaker 1: certain things, and so seeing that, like he will allow
Speaker 1: his son just to talk to any type of way,
Speaker 1: do whatever. But you have a lot of judgments about
Speaker 1: what you've seen I do. Okay, Well that's your stuff,
Speaker 1: that's not his stuff. I have a hard time not
Speaker 1: making it his stuff. Well that's a problem. That's a problem,
Speaker 1: particularly because you don't have children of your own, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's usually the other way around. Usually the woman
Speaker 1: has children and she's bringing them into the relationship with
Speaker 1: a man who may not have children. But be that
Speaker 1: neither here nor there. Here's what I'm hearing for you.
Speaker 1: You make it about past and future. It's about right now.
Speaker 1: And I could be very wrong. I could be wrong.
Speaker 1: Please forgive me. If I am I'm hearing in here
Speaker 1: that you don't want children? Would that be accurate? So
Speaker 1: when you marry this man, am I to understand that
Speaker 1: you and he are not going to have children? So okay?
Speaker 1: So I just find it so interesting that a woman
Speaker 1: who doesn't want children is in partnership with a man
Speaker 1: who has a child. And you don't want children for
Speaker 1: a reason. So it doesn't matter whether you birth them
Speaker 1: or whether they're present. If you don't want children, this
Speaker 1: is going to be a problem, beloved, This is going
Speaker 1: to be a problem past thinking, future thinking, present, right
Speaker 1: now thinking. It is going to be a problem because
Speaker 1: I'm hearing, and again I could be wrong. Please forgive me.
Speaker 1: If I am, I'm hearing you want undivided, full attention
Speaker 1: from your partner. No, I can't say undervided because I
Speaker 1: love when he's a way it's a partect. I just
Speaker 1: like I just want to know, like I enjoy being alone,
Speaker 1: so I just want to know that it is the
Speaker 1: places where he is not assertive when it comes to
Speaker 1: in my eyes, parenting, behavior, parenting, certain things that he does,
Speaker 1: and how that will affect the future because it's like
Speaker 1: the odor they get is going to be harder say oh, well,
Speaker 1: now I'm trying to change this because I didn't do
Speaker 1: it here, you know, and so like, well, how will that?
Speaker 1: I just want to make sure I'm coming home to
Speaker 1: something like to a peaceful house, you know, Like that's
Speaker 1: not going to happen because you don't want kids, so
Speaker 1: you're always going to find something wrong. Mhm. You don't
Speaker 1: want children, and yet you're looking to marry a man
Speaker 1: who has a child. So you with your judgments and
Speaker 1: with the way that there's a piece here that you
Speaker 1: are not speaking. I don't know what it is. I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know, and I'm not going to assume
Speaker 1: a guess, but I'm I sure hit the nail on
Speaker 1: the head when I said you don't want children deeper
Speaker 1: than that I said, And see that perhaps you don't
Speaker 1: believe that you can have what you want, which is
Speaker 1: a peaceful, loving, committed relationship between you and a man. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you've attracted a man who has children, which is set
Speaker 1: up you having to accept and deal with what you
Speaker 1: don't want, and you're making it about his parents style
Speaker 1: and it's not about that at all. It's about you
Speaker 1: not being clear that you can have what you want.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you don't love this man, but you have
Speaker 1: set it up so that you do not get what
Speaker 1: you want. In my mind, it's like the older right yet,
Speaker 1: as a black woman, finding a man who like does
Speaker 1: the things he does, he does do for me and
Speaker 1: how he's there for me like finding that and actually
Speaker 1: am not having the kids is like the chances are
Speaker 1: very limbed to none. That's what you tell yourself. So
Speaker 1: that's exactly what your experience because the position you take
Speaker 1: on any subject determines how you see the subject. Your
Speaker 1: position is, I can't have what I want and then
Speaker 1: be clear about what you want because the truth is,
Speaker 1: if you want it, it has to exist, it has
Speaker 1: to But if you don't believe you can have it,
Speaker 1: oh well you won't get it. So you'll take what
Speaker 1: you have and try to make it work. But unless
Speaker 1: you change your position about it. It's not going to
Speaker 1: And again that doesn't mean that you don't love this child.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you don't love this man. But that thing
Speaker 1: about settling for it, because this is what has shown
Speaker 1: now you might want to work on that. Oh should
Speaker 1: I stay in this relationshship? That's up to you. That's
Speaker 1: up to you, beloved, hear me. You are not telling
Speaker 1: yourself the truth. You do not want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship with a man who That's true, you don't
Speaker 1: but this and that has come into your life as
Speaker 1: a job. So there's a conflict there. And then there's
Speaker 1: a fear if I let him go, am I gonna
Speaker 1: be able to find another man who don't have kids?
Speaker 1: But that's not the crux of this matter. You are
Speaker 1: attached to a man who is giving you what you
Speaker 1: don't want children. You don't want the responsibility of them.
Speaker 1: You don't want to share the time, in space and
Speaker 1: resources with them. And a part of you knows that
Speaker 1: if this man is in relationship with his son that
Speaker 1: lives many states away, that's somehow or another that's going
Speaker 1: to impact you, and you don't want that mhm. So
Speaker 1: you have to reconcile that within yourself. Yeah, like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with responsibility. I don't want
Speaker 1: to deal with like trying to share resources in the
Speaker 1: same house, mind working, you know. And I's going to
Speaker 1: a child who has like sometimes very bratty and can
Speaker 1: have like the worst attitude, you know, But I like
Speaker 1: and deeply in love with his father and I love
Speaker 1: him his son a lot. Shift your position or get out.
Speaker 1: And the other thing I would say to you is
Speaker 1: get clear about what you want and if you don't
Speaker 1: want children, if you don't want to share the responsibility
Speaker 1: of raising a child, if you don't want to share
Speaker 1: your time, resources and energies, and if you have any
Speaker 1: concerned judgment, hesitations. When he offers you the engagement right,
Speaker 1: don't accept it until you're clear that this is something
Speaker 1: you want to do, this is something you can do,
Speaker 1: this is something you're willing to do, this is something
Speaker 1: you're ready to do. Don't accept the right. Don't because
Speaker 1: you're setting yourself up, you're setting the child up, and
Speaker 1: you're eventually gonna beat your partner up about it. Because
Speaker 1: I can hear it coming out your mouth. He my son,
Speaker 1: that's your son. I did try therapy, and I can
Speaker 1: admit I'm honestly not the best, but even showing up
Speaker 1: for me, you know, like it was shown when I
Speaker 1: didn't really say much about you know it really didn't
Speaker 1: say much to his son in the like during that situation.
Speaker 1: I'm not the death step showing up for me, but
Speaker 1: I am good at showing up for other people. So
Speaker 1: do some work around that if you if you still
Speaker 1: have a counselor of therapists, do some work about owning
Speaker 1: your desires, what it is you say you want, and
Speaker 1: being able to stand up for it, stand up in it,
Speaker 1: believing you know that you can have what you want
Speaker 1: one and if you choose to stay, then I would
Speaker 1: just say, create clear boundaries for yourself. That's how you
Speaker 1: show up for yourself. And don't expect your partner to
Speaker 1: do for you what you won't do for yourself. Yeah. Sorry,
Speaker 1: no worries, No worries, no worries. It's it feels I
Speaker 1: feel you're suffering. I feel it, so outside support may
Speaker 1: be helpful for you. Our job gives us twenty five
Speaker 1: three sessions a year with with certified therapist a life coaches.
Speaker 1: I just every time I've used it, it's about the
Speaker 1: relationship and that let's about me. Well, take a new position,
Speaker 1: take a new position. You got an endless supply, and
Speaker 1: do over. Okay, thank you for loving, thank you, but bye.
Speaker 1: So very often we say we want something and then
Speaker 1: we set ourselves up so nice and proper that we
Speaker 1: can't have what we want. And then something shows up
Speaker 1: that is not what we want, and we will twist
Speaker 1: ourselves into a pretzel to make it work, knowing it's
Speaker 1: not what we want. So when that happens, it's very,
Speaker 1: very important to tell the truth about what you want,
Speaker 1: tell the truth about what you're doing, and get clear
Speaker 1: about which direction you're gonna choose, going for what you
Speaker 1: want or accommodating what you have from a new position.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how far left the road goes. You
Speaker 1: can have what you want. And I want my next
Speaker 1: caller to really get that. We'll talk to her when
Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. One
Speaker 1: of the most challenging things I've ever faced as a
Speaker 1: mother is recognizing that while I want to be a
Speaker 1: responsible parent, that I have an obligation to safeguard my
Speaker 1: children and give them the best of who I am.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that I have to eliminate my human
Speaker 1: needs and desires, and I think many mothers struggle with that,
Speaker 1: and we try to put the needs of our children
Speaker 1: ahead of our own. Coupled with the belief that many
Speaker 1: women hold, which is that we can't have what we want,
Speaker 1: particularly when we become mothers, that our needs sit on
Speaker 1: the back burner. My next caller is facing that very issue.
Speaker 1: Take a listen. Hello, Greetings, be love, and welcome to
Speaker 1: the our spot. Thank you for calling in today. And
Speaker 1: what is your challenge issue dilemma that we can sink
Speaker 1: our teeth into. I've been separated for almost five years.
Speaker 1: I stayed too long in a relationship that produced three
Speaker 1: wonderful children, but my husband was an alcoholic and emotionally,
Speaker 1: psychologically and sometimes a small bit physically abusive. Um. The
Speaker 1: straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted sexual
Speaker 1: assault on our at the time nine year old daughter
Speaker 1: that created a big thing with police, our child services,
Speaker 1: and I honestly just didn't think it would get that
Speaker 1: far and that horrid. I'll be honest and say it
Speaker 1: was probably the worst time in my life. Um, breathe,
Speaker 1: just breathe, just breathe, just breathe don't try to talk.
Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere. UM. That was incredibly embarrassed, incredibly ashamed,
Speaker 1: and I wind up kind of leaving right away. And
Speaker 1: when he stayed with my family over the last uh
Speaker 1: four and a half years of work to get my
Speaker 1: daughter's health right, to get my get us back on
Speaker 1: my feet, and he's cultivated a wonderful, very intense close
Speaker 1: relationship with our son who's alman. Um. My daughter, who's
Speaker 1: now fourteen, tolerates him. That means he'll say hello, she'll
Speaker 1: say goodbye, but she does not want any close relationship
Speaker 1: to him at all anymore. UM. I have an issue
Speaker 1: because he is wanting to reconcile badly, wants to try
Speaker 1: to repair, but you know, I don't trust him. But
Speaker 1: I feel like, um, this is my second marriage. If
Speaker 1: I don't allow some kind of something that I'll be
Speaker 1: letting everyone down. My son comes and talks to me often, Mom,
Speaker 1: Why aren't you trying to work it out with dad?
Speaker 1: You know? UM, he tries to say things when when
Speaker 1: him and my daughter have you know, conversations every now
Speaker 1: and again. You know, I really I'm trying to do
Speaker 1: better with you. But your mom won't let me you
Speaker 1: know it, won't try to get us all back together
Speaker 1: as a family. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, right there,
Speaker 1: I want you to go to the nearest mina slap
Speaker 1: the first person that's yours up in that name, that
Speaker 1: would say to you that you have to consider being
Speaker 1: back in a relationship with a person who has a
Speaker 1: substance abuse issue that has been physically, verbally, psychologically, emotionally
Speaker 1: abusive and attempted to sexually abuse your daughter. And somebody
Speaker 1: would say to you you have to consider anybody else's feelings.
Speaker 1: Please please slap that that um, the issue is somebody
Speaker 1: needs to be slapped. That's the issue. I am. I
Speaker 1: feel stuck in the middle, and I no longer want
Speaker 1: to be stuck. Well, they make a decision, make a
Speaker 1: decision right here, right now. I'm done. Done, So there
Speaker 1: is no more conversation. There's no more conversation. But as
Speaker 1: long as you even have a question about it in
Speaker 1: your consciousness, it will continue to come up. Shut it down.
Speaker 1: Not going to happen. Ever, maybe on the fifth of
Speaker 1: never Weary, are you available? On that day? Are you available?
Speaker 1: That's the day I will consider being back in intimate
Speaker 1: loving live with you relationship on the fifth of Never Weary,
Speaker 1: can you can you show up on that day? Please? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you think you're in the middle, you will even
Speaker 1: consider entertaining it. And when he starts that, shut it down. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. Listen, beloved, your father is a beautiful soul,
Speaker 1: blessed child of God. But there is no way that
Speaker 1: we are ever going to be back together. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: we can't be a family. This is our new normal.
Speaker 1: He's over there, well over here. So the work is
Speaker 1: with me now, are y'all? Because I know in my
Speaker 1: soul of souls that I don't want to be back.
Speaker 1: But this is a second field marriage. That's not the
Speaker 1: way you frame this. I am not choosing because choice
Speaker 1: is your power. You girl, You don't got me heated
Speaker 1: up over here. I am not choosing to be back.
Speaker 1: But now I have to cut out all of the stuff,
Speaker 1: my stuff, which is second film marriage. No no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no stop stop stop. Let's go back to the mirror.
Speaker 1: Let's go back to the mirror. There's a slapping. There's
Speaker 1: a slapping. There is a slapping required here. It's not
Speaker 1: a failed marriage. You made the wrong choice. Oops. That
Speaker 1: didn't work. Let me try again. It's not a failed marriage.
Speaker 1: What does a failed marriage? What does that mean? That
Speaker 1: means that somehow you're wrong, or you're guilty or whatever.
Speaker 1: Maybe you want to look at why you chose that
Speaker 1: in the first place, maybe your choices or or where
Speaker 1: you need to investigate. But you've made a wrong choice. Oops,
Speaker 1: that didn't work. Can you say that? Let me hear
Speaker 1: you say that that. I'll take that instead of a slap.
Speaker 1: That didn't work. What was I thinking? Yeah? I was thinking, yeah,
Speaker 1: oh my lord, let me get up out of it
Speaker 1: this quick. Yeah. I bought this fabulous pair of shoes. Uh,
Speaker 1: last month. They were sexy, they were on sale. I
Speaker 1: brought them shoes. Yeah. And then I was going out
Speaker 1: and I put them shoes on my feet, and I said, oops,
Speaker 1: what was I thinking? Well, I can't go nowhere in
Speaker 1: these shoes. I can't even walk out the closet in them.
Speaker 1: Oh my lord, not do the received away and everything.
Speaker 1: I took them right to the donation box and put
Speaker 1: them right in their brand new ain't never warm. What
Speaker 1: was I thinking? It cost me a little bit? Can
Speaker 1: you hear me? It cost me a little bit, But
Speaker 1: I am not gonna torture myself because I bought these
Speaker 1: fabulous shoes that made my legs look sexy on sale
Speaker 1: to make your behind right over there to the donation.
Speaker 1: But can you hear me, lighten this thing up a
Speaker 1: little bit? I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
Speaker 1: And when he starts that, when he says that to
Speaker 1: your daughter, say wait a minute, let me step in
Speaker 1: here and let me just say this. I'm gonna say
Speaker 1: this to you, beloved, the fifth of denver weary. That's
Speaker 1: when we're going to get back together, the fifth of
Speaker 1: never wearing. And to your daughter, say, your father has
Speaker 1: a beautiful soul, loving the death. I want you all
Speaker 1: have a wonderful relationship, but I will not be in
Speaker 1: relationship with your father the way we used to be.
Speaker 1: We've got a new normal. Now he's over there, I'm
Speaker 1: over here. Shut it down. Otherwise, a deceptive intelligence in
Speaker 1: you will continue to make you wrong. And what if?
Speaker 1: What if? What if you never get married again? Have
Speaker 1: play dates, find you some nice, sweet little thing that
Speaker 1: you can take to the red move in, and then
Speaker 1: go what the hell? Now here's okay. Now here's the
Speaker 1: second part. Here's the other side of this. I'm working
Speaker 1: through my stuff, right, I'm working through my stuff. He's
Speaker 1: going to he's going to further distance himself from the
Speaker 1: children by his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours,
Speaker 1: his choice, not yours. Did I mention that's his choice,
Speaker 1: not yours? Did I mention that his choice not yours?
Speaker 1: That's called emotional blackmail. Okay, So you're not doing what
Speaker 1: he's wants you to do. So he's gonna threaten to
Speaker 1: harm your children, he's their father. Yeah, Then he said
Speaker 1: he'll move, He'll move to leave the state and leave
Speaker 1: the country. Can you help him get the Trump? Can
Speaker 1: you help him? So here I am, well, here I
Speaker 1: am with these three kids, and um doing it on
Speaker 1: my own, which I'm at about eight percent right now anyway.
Speaker 1: And so that's the part that I'm cleaning up right now,
Speaker 1: I'm cleaning up where I'll be. It's called court, family court,
Speaker 1: it's called child support. Listen, I know I'm being hard
Speaker 1: on this, brother, But if I heard you correctly, I
Speaker 1: heard you say that this man who sired a child
Speaker 1: with you and a drunken, stupid or a fit of insanity,
Speaker 1: tried to sexually assault her. Is that did I hear
Speaker 1: you say that you know me correct. He does not
Speaker 1: give any benefit of the doubt. Love you mean it,
Speaker 1: forgive you. I'm sorry, I'm I know I'm being hard
Speaker 1: on him. Yeah, I'm That's why I left. I felt
Speaker 1: like we left in the middle of the night, the
Speaker 1: way we left about I left in the middle of
Speaker 1: the night with three bags and three kids. I left
Speaker 1: with three bags and three kids. Okay. Why because when he,
Speaker 1: at six ft four two hundred and sixty pounds, picked
Speaker 1: up a bed slat ready to hit me in my head,
Speaker 1: and the Holy Spirit said to me, leave, leave now,
Speaker 1: or he's gonna kill you. Oh my god. Okay. That's
Speaker 1: when I laughed at two thirty in the morning with
Speaker 1: three children and three bags of close okay. And I
Speaker 1: never went back ever, didn't go back, you know, because
Speaker 1: you can beat me, you can cheat on me, you
Speaker 1: can't kill me. I don't give you permission to kill me. Okay.
Speaker 1: Back then I had said, okay, I'm just gonna get beaten.
Speaker 1: Back then is okay, he's just gonna cheat. But when
Speaker 1: you start talking killing people, h no, I'm out. Yeah.
Speaker 1: That was the straw and if sexual violation of his
Speaker 1: own child is not the store for you. Go to
Speaker 1: the mirror. It was strong, It's still the strong. I'm
Speaker 1: just dealing because I don't want to be back with
Speaker 1: this fool. But I um, you know, he's with the sun,
Speaker 1: and I just I you know, I guess we'll have
Speaker 1: to deal with whatever comes next. If it means he's
Speaker 1: not going to be in their lives, and so be it.
Speaker 1: He's blackmailing you. How do you deal with a blackmailer?
Speaker 1: You call the police. Let me just say this to you.
Speaker 1: Belove it. You can have what you want. You can
Speaker 1: have a man that accepts you, loves you, respects you,
Speaker 1: and values treasures and love your children. You can have that.
Speaker 1: As soon as you believe it is possible. You can
Speaker 1: have that because you can get you some shoes that
Speaker 1: fit your feet. They're whipping on it and he'll be
Speaker 1: right there. Okay. I want you to repeat this with me.
Speaker 1: I pledge allegiance to myself. Say that I pledge allegiance
Speaker 1: to myself that I will never accommodate or tolerate or
Speaker 1: accept a man in my life who does not honor
Speaker 1: the glory that I am, and I will not entertain
Speaker 1: a man who poses a threat to my daughters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's your pledge of allegiance. You start there. M hmm.
Speaker 1: And stop talking to man. Don't listen to their conversations.
Speaker 1: They talk out their neck, you know. I say, every
Speaker 1: woman has a queen, and she has a princess, and
Speaker 1: she has a wife, and she has a mother inside
Speaker 1: of us every woman, there's a queen in there, there's
Speaker 1: a mother in there, there's a wife in there, there's
Speaker 1: a mistress in there, this a hole in there, and
Speaker 1: there's a b I t c h in there. Two.
Speaker 1: You need to put the b I t c h
Speaker 1: in the throne right now? Do you get the until
Speaker 1: you get the mother woman and the queen in order? Okay,
Speaker 1: put her in the throne. Yeah, okay, I'm so glad
Speaker 1: we talked. This has been very hopeful and clarifying. Yes,
Speaker 1: I am too. Okay, tell me something you know now
Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you call me. I always
Speaker 1: need the answer. Um, you need to put some things
Speaker 1: in perspective and be okay, and do give myself a
Speaker 1: little bit more grace. Yeah, yeah, and put the bitch
Speaker 1: in the throne. Put her in the throne. Put the
Speaker 1: bit in the throne. Okay. So she will slack. Somebody
Speaker 1: let me know how you make out, darling. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: you take good care, Thank you, Bye bye. Life is complicated,
Speaker 1: It really really is. Let's just put that outfront. Life
Speaker 1: is complicated for us as individuals. But then when you
Speaker 1: drop children into the mix, when you are a parent,
Speaker 1: life goes from challenging and difficult to mind boggling. Both
Speaker 1: of my guests today have issues related to children. They
Speaker 1: think the issues are really about them being clear and
Speaker 1: believing that they can have what they want. So when
Speaker 1: life throws a curveball your way and their children involved,
Speaker 1: if you stop long enough to look at you first
Speaker 1: and get clear about what you want and how can
Speaker 1: you support, protect, and be responsible for your children in
Speaker 1: the process, you get to the finish line a lot
Speaker 1: quicker than if you just try to do what you
Speaker 1: think needs to be done for the children. Children are
Speaker 1: a blessing, but you, beloved, are your biggest blessing. Vote
Speaker 1: for you first. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any
Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times and until then, stay in peace
Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of
Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.