1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: for sam in a soft place to fall for others. 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until 4 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,919 Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,320 Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a 6 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:33,880 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 7 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:43,920 Speaker 1: I wish I had a beautiful crystal bottle trimmed in 8 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: gold with a lovely on a cap on it. And 9 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: if I did, I would speak into that bottle, you 10 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: can have what you want, and I would sell it. 11 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160 Speaker 1: I'd sell it on eBay. I'd sell it on Etsy 12 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: for five cents. I wouldn't even charge a lot for it. 13 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 1: But the beauty of it, this crystal bottle trimmed and 14 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: gold with the ornate cap, filled with the statement, the belief, 15 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: the declaration, the affirmation you can have what you want. 16 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 1: I want to just make it available and hopefully it 17 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,279 Speaker 1: will help people believe it. You can have what you want. 18 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: You don't have to accommodate crazy, you don't have to 19 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,839 Speaker 1: tolerate bad behavior, you don't have to eliminate your values. 20 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 1: You can have what you want. And so very often 21 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: when we make a choice that takes a left turn, 22 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: we think we've done something wrong from which we will 23 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: never recover, and we accept, accommodate, and tolerate crazy. You 24 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 1: can have what you want, and it doesn't matter how 25 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 1: many bad choices you make, you can have what you want. 26 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: My guest today thinks this is about children, and it's 27 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: really not. It's really about believing that you can have 28 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: what you want. And if you don't believe you can 29 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 1: have what you want, the way you will set yourself 30 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:36,160 Speaker 1: up the fall flat on your face. Good morning, beloved, 31 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,519 Speaker 1: Welcome to the art spot. And what is the challenge 32 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: issue question that you have that we can dig into today? 33 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:51,800 Speaker 1: So my biggest problem is negative thinking, more of really 34 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 1: for the past and for the future. So like the past, 35 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:02,360 Speaker 1: definitely get to my way currently, you know, which makes 36 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: me fearful for the future. As it retains to my relationship. 37 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,640 Speaker 1: Is there a particular area of the relationship, is in 38 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:20,520 Speaker 1: particular issue in the relationship that negative thinking is impacting? Yeah, so, um, 39 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: he he has a son. I don't have any children, 40 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:28,680 Speaker 1: and so right away it's like okay, and so just 41 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 1: seeing how as of as of late, it just doesn't 42 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: feel like it just makes me wonder if he'll be 43 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: able to like not necessarily provide, but also be able 44 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: to contribute to our relationship. UM, Like in starting like 45 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: a life with me, Me and son have a really really, 46 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,480 Speaker 1: really good relationship. We talked more than him and his 47 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: dad talk. But it just worries me, like how that 48 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960 Speaker 1: transition will be when I'm I've always been by myself 49 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: and always on the go by myself, and now it's 50 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: like I don't want to be just like a step 51 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:17,640 Speaker 1: mom and now my life is family and I can't 52 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: live a life that I've been living or traveling and 53 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: being very carefree. We'll not necessarily care free, but just 54 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: more free with my life than he's able to be. 55 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 1: So that's what worries me about the future. And then 56 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: it just becomes a spiral of well if you had 57 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 1: done this in the past, you know, So then I 58 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,359 Speaker 1: just begin to get very hard on him about the 59 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:43,360 Speaker 1: choices he made. How old is your relationship? UM? Since 60 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,599 Speaker 1: last June twenty one, so a year in a couple 61 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: of a year about four months, So you are in 62 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: a one year relationship with a man who has a 63 00:04:54,839 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: seven year old son. Yes, let me acknowledge him m 64 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 1: for being in his son's life. Let me just acknowledge that. 65 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 1: I don't know if you acknowledge it, but I just 66 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 1: want to acknowledge that. And I'm assuming that he sees 67 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: his son what on the weekends regularly? Does he live 68 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 1: with you all? What is? What is the situation? So 69 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 1: we both moved to Detroit. He moved last year last 70 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 1: mate from North Carolina. So his son is in North Carolina. 71 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,600 Speaker 1: My parent and I don't live together. We live just 72 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: in the same like surrounding city. So he's come, his 73 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: sons came to visit twice, but I'm usually they're watching 74 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: him because his dad works at night. So you are 75 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: in a one year old relationship with a man who 76 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 1: has a seven year old son who lives in another state. 77 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,840 Speaker 1: And in that year, you've seen this boy, this child 78 00:05:54,720 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: two three times maybe yeah, three times? His son had 79 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: you know, I had taken him to the pool and 80 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: I said, you know, and I was like, all right, 81 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: you need to go take a shower. There's an attery. 82 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: So I'm like, this is this is a shampoo, this 83 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 1: is a conditioner. And he was like, you're acting like 84 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: a bi c A. She didn't spell it right. You 85 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: know he seven, but I told him my partner and 86 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:26,599 Speaker 1: he did nothing tact. You know. It's like, I really 87 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 1: rather not even deal with kids, but I'm embracing what 88 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 1: you come with. But you can at least be a 89 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,839 Speaker 1: partner and put him being more assertive with him and 90 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: stuck up for me at the same time. Okay, and 91 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: what did you say in this good relationship with the 92 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: sun when he said that to you? What did you 93 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 1: say to him? At the time, I was like, I'm 94 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,680 Speaker 1: more observing how my partner is going to take on 95 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: this situation. But when his sons and when his unsaid it, 96 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 1: I was just like, okay, you just go ahead in 97 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,159 Speaker 1: the shower, you know, because I'm we're already about to 98 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 1: go home. My mom is visiting, you know, from l A, 99 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: so we went to her hotel to swim there. So 100 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: we're already about to leave and go back to your 101 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: dad's house, and you know, we can take care of 102 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,280 Speaker 1: it then. And so I talked about it. He didn't 103 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 1: do any things, an's your question. I did not necessarily 104 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: say much, but all right, we're leaving, you know, because 105 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: I perfectly did not have kids so I could discipline them. Well, 106 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: the question that I asked, was what did you say 107 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:42,800 Speaker 1: to you, as an adult woman, fully in controlablr faculties, 108 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 1: what did you say to a child when he called 109 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 1: you out of your name? I made sure he meant 110 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:54,320 Speaker 1: the actual word. And that's honestly like all I remember 111 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: me saying. I was in the supermarket with my great 112 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: grandson and he met up with another little boy in 113 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: the supermarket, and the little boy in him kind of 114 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: I don't know, interacted with one another, and my grandson, 115 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 1: who was very friendly, said to him, are you going 116 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: to be my friend? And the little boy said, fool. 117 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: I don't know you. And as an adult in full 118 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: control of my faculties, I said to the child, beloved, 119 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 1: it is you don't get to call people you don't 120 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 1: know a fool, At which point his mother came over, 121 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: another adult and full control of her faculties, and she 122 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: said what did he say? I said, no, no, wait 123 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 1: a minute, I said, you you don't know this person. 124 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,319 Speaker 1: He's a stranger to you, but he's also your brother, 125 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,760 Speaker 1: and so it's not kind, into a loving or respectful 126 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: to you or him to call him a fool. And 127 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: the mother said, like what he called? Who did he 128 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: call it? I said, it's okay, mom, it's okay. I said, 129 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: Now tell me what you heard me say. He said, 130 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: I shouldn't say fool. I said, well, you may say it, 131 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: but you shouldn't say it to strangers, because that makes 132 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 1: you seem mean and disrespectful, and you don't want to 133 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: see mean and disrespectful, do you? And he said no. 134 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,920 Speaker 1: I said, okay. So I said to my great grandson, 135 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 1: so what do you want to say to him? And 136 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: he said, I forgive you. And the little boy said 137 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,720 Speaker 1: thank you. Little boy said thank you. And I said 138 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,760 Speaker 1: to his mother it's okay. This guy stuff going on, 139 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,080 Speaker 1: you know. And I went on and got my my 140 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:53,439 Speaker 1: milk and mine everything. So I just am not getting 141 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: why in that moment you didn't correct the child with 142 00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 1: the understanding that I'm new in this child's life. Um, 143 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: if we're going to have this ongoing relationship, I need 144 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: to establish boundaries with him right now. But I'm hearing 145 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 1: you say you didn't as an adult. I don't care 146 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 1: if it was your boyfriend's child, the neighbor's child, a 147 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: strange child in the supermarket, that as an adult you 148 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: didn't correct the child and create a boundary with him. 149 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: But instead told your partner and then have issue with 150 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: the way he handled it. That goes way beyond negative thinking. Yeah, 151 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: I told the month prior was the first time I 152 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:47,079 Speaker 1: met him in Martrolina, and I had already seen his behavior, 153 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,959 Speaker 1: and so at this point I'm like, Okay, you guys, 154 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,040 Speaker 1: let him do whatever over the smallest theme, like not 155 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 1: get hit Dr Pepper. And he's not east at least 156 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 1: grateful that he just got like everything he wanted, you know. 157 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 1: But he's like, but he's got back there throwing a tantrum, 158 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: I mean, extremely rude towards you because he didn't get that. 159 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 1: So I guess at the time, I'm like, I'm a 160 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: verbing Okay, how do you raise your like your set? Yeah, 161 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,080 Speaker 1: but you don't have children, and he's the weekend dad. 162 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 1: You don't have children except for this child that's in 163 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 1: your life, and he is a weekend dad. And one 164 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: of the major issues that comes up in very many 165 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 1: relationships are the different parenting styles. Mother may have one, 166 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 1: father may have the other. You know, you may have 167 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: a drill sergeant dad and make the child happy mom, 168 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,920 Speaker 1: or you have a drill sergeant mom and I'm your 169 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:46,280 Speaker 1: friend dad. So that's a common issue. What I'm hearing 170 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: that I really want to support you in. It's not 171 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 1: about negative thinking. It's about judgments and the fact that 172 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 1: you would do it one way and he's doing it 173 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 1: another way, and you have to ments about that. Yes, okay. 174 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 1: Have you and your partner had a conversation about how 175 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: he wants you to interact with his son when he comes. 176 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,120 Speaker 1: He never put expectations on me on how we should interact. 177 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: Have you and him had a conversation about your different 178 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: parenting styles? And it doesn't have to be a judgment 179 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 1: or an accusation. It could be I see that you're 180 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 1: really permissive with your son, and perhaps that's because he comes, 181 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: you know, so irregularly, or you see him so sparsely. 182 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: I have a different parenting style, and I just want 183 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,760 Speaker 1: to share that with you so that when you see 184 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 1: it it won't be a shock to you. Have you 185 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:52,679 Speaker 1: had that conversation with it? No, Oh, that might be helpful. 186 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: But I'm also hearing the fact that you have a 187 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: concern or a fee, or even a judgment that should 188 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 1: you and your partner become permanent in your relationship or 189 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,680 Speaker 1: committed or married or whatever you want to call it, 190 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,480 Speaker 1: I don't want to use the wrong language. You're concerned 191 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 1: about how his resources and his time and his energy 192 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: will be split between you and his son. Would that 193 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:28,040 Speaker 1: be accurate? Yes, M Then we'll talk about that when 194 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's 195 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. What are you telling yourself 196 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: about how you see sense field think worry? Are afraid 197 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: that your partner will split his time and his resources 198 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: between you and his son. So you, like you hit 199 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: it right on the head. He said it that you know, 200 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: because he comes not so often, there are certain ways, 201 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 1: like there are certain things that he just doesn't do. 202 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:14,080 Speaker 1: And I wholeheartedly understood that right out of guilt, out 203 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: of saying, hey, like I'm leaving to find a new job, 204 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,240 Speaker 1: and also stuff that he does not, you know, do 205 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: certain things, and so seeing that, like he will allow 206 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 1: his son just to talk to any type of way, 207 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,120 Speaker 1: do whatever. But you have a lot of judgments about 208 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,320 Speaker 1: what you've seen I do. Okay, Well that's your stuff, 209 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: that's not his stuff. I have a hard time not 210 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:46,560 Speaker 1: making it his stuff. Well that's a problem. That's a problem, 211 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:51,800 Speaker 1: particularly because you don't have children of your own, you know, 212 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 1: and it's usually the other way around. Usually the woman 213 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,720 Speaker 1: has children and she's bringing them into the relationship with 214 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: a man who may not have children. But be that 215 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: neither here nor there. Here's what I'm hearing for you. 216 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 1: You make it about past and future. It's about right now. 217 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:16,920 Speaker 1: And I could be very wrong. I could be wrong. 218 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: Please forgive me. If I am I'm hearing in here 219 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: that you don't want children? Would that be accurate? So 220 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: when you marry this man, am I to understand that 221 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: you and he are not going to have children? So okay? 222 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 1: So I just find it so interesting that a woman 223 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 1: who doesn't want children is in partnership with a man 224 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,680 Speaker 1: who has a child. And you don't want children for 225 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 1: a reason. So it doesn't matter whether you birth them 226 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: or whether they're present. If you don't want children, this 227 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 1: is going to be a problem, beloved, This is going 228 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 1: to be a problem past thinking, future thinking, present, right 229 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:07,320 Speaker 1: now thinking. It is going to be a problem because 230 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: I'm hearing, and again I could be wrong. Please forgive me. 231 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: If I am, I'm hearing you want undivided, full attention 232 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:23,680 Speaker 1: from your partner. No, I can't say undervided because I 233 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:27,040 Speaker 1: love when he's a way it's a partect. I just 234 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:32,440 Speaker 1: like I just want to know, like I enjoy being alone, 235 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,720 Speaker 1: so I just want to know that it is the 236 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: places where he is not assertive when it comes to 237 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: in my eyes, parenting, behavior, parenting, certain things that he does, 238 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:54,560 Speaker 1: and how that will affect the future because it's like 239 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,440 Speaker 1: the odor they get is going to be harder say oh, well, 240 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: now I'm trying to change this because I didn't do 241 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: it here, you know, and so like, well, how will that? 242 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 1: I just want to make sure I'm coming home to 243 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 1: something like to a peaceful house, you know, Like that's 244 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,639 Speaker 1: not going to happen because you don't want kids, so 245 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:19,200 Speaker 1: you're always going to find something wrong. Mhm. You don't 246 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:22,680 Speaker 1: want children, and yet you're looking to marry a man 247 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:28,640 Speaker 1: who has a child. So you with your judgments and 248 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,119 Speaker 1: with the way that there's a piece here that you 249 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: are not speaking. I don't know what it is. I 250 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: don't I don't know, and I'm not going to assume 251 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,439 Speaker 1: a guess, but I'm I sure hit the nail on 252 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,479 Speaker 1: the head when I said you don't want children deeper 253 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: than that I said, And see that perhaps you don't 254 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,679 Speaker 1: believe that you can have what you want, which is 255 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 1: a peaceful, loving, committed relationship between you and a man. Yeah, 256 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: you've attracted a man who has children, which is set 257 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,600 Speaker 1: up you having to accept and deal with what you 258 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:10,200 Speaker 1: don't want, and you're making it about his parents style 259 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,160 Speaker 1: and it's not about that at all. It's about you 260 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: not being clear that you can have what you want. 261 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,600 Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you don't love this man, but you have 262 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: set it up so that you do not get what 263 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,880 Speaker 1: you want. In my mind, it's like the older right yet, 264 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: as a black woman, finding a man who like does 265 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 1: the things he does, he does do for me and 266 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:43,680 Speaker 1: how he's there for me like finding that and actually 267 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: am not having the kids is like the chances are 268 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: very limbed to none. That's what you tell yourself. So 269 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 1: that's exactly what your experience because the position you take 270 00:18:55,359 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 1: on any subject determines how you see the subject. Your 271 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:07,680 Speaker 1: position is, I can't have what I want and then 272 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: be clear about what you want because the truth is, 273 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,360 Speaker 1: if you want it, it has to exist, it has 274 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: to But if you don't believe you can have it, 275 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:22,119 Speaker 1: oh well you won't get it. So you'll take what 276 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 1: you have and try to make it work. But unless 277 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,439 Speaker 1: you change your position about it. It's not going to 278 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,480 Speaker 1: And again that doesn't mean that you don't love this child. 279 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: Doesn't mean you don't love this man. But that thing 280 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: about settling for it, because this is what has shown 281 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: now you might want to work on that. Oh should 282 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 1: I stay in this relationshship? That's up to you. That's 283 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 1: up to you, beloved, hear me. You are not telling 284 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: yourself the truth. You do not want to be in 285 00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:58,680 Speaker 1: a relationship with a man who That's true, you don't 286 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:02,840 Speaker 1: but this and that has come into your life as 287 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,960 Speaker 1: a job. So there's a conflict there. And then there's 288 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 1: a fear if I let him go, am I gonna 289 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,600 Speaker 1: be able to find another man who don't have kids? 290 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,200 Speaker 1: But that's not the crux of this matter. You are 291 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,479 Speaker 1: attached to a man who is giving you what you 292 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 1: don't want children. You don't want the responsibility of them. 293 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 1: You don't want to share the time, in space and 294 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: resources with them. And a part of you knows that 295 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,439 Speaker 1: if this man is in relationship with his son that 296 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: lives many states away, that's somehow or another that's going 297 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:45,479 Speaker 1: to impact you, and you don't want that mhm. So 298 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: you have to reconcile that within yourself. Yeah, like, yeah, 299 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,920 Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with responsibility. I don't want 300 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: to deal with like trying to share resources in the 301 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,399 Speaker 1: same house, mind working, you know. And I's going to 302 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: a child who has like sometimes very bratty and can 303 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: have like the worst attitude, you know, But I like 304 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: and deeply in love with his father and I love 305 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 1: him his son a lot. Shift your position or get out. 306 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 1: And the other thing I would say to you is 307 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,400 Speaker 1: get clear about what you want and if you don't 308 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 1: want children, if you don't want to share the responsibility 309 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: of raising a child, if you don't want to share 310 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:41,400 Speaker 1: your time, resources and energies, and if you have any 311 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,920 Speaker 1: concerned judgment, hesitations. When he offers you the engagement right, 312 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:51,199 Speaker 1: don't accept it until you're clear that this is something 313 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 1: you want to do, this is something you can do, 314 00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:56,960 Speaker 1: this is something you're willing to do, this is something 315 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:02,320 Speaker 1: you're ready to do. Don't accept the right. Don't because 316 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,679 Speaker 1: you're setting yourself up, you're setting the child up, and 317 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,639 Speaker 1: you're eventually gonna beat your partner up about it. Because 318 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 1: I can hear it coming out your mouth. He my son, 319 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:19,640 Speaker 1: that's your son. I did try therapy, and I can 320 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:25,400 Speaker 1: admit I'm honestly not the best, but even showing up 321 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 1: for me, you know, like it was shown when I 322 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,200 Speaker 1: didn't really say much about you know it really didn't 323 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: say much to his son in the like during that situation. 324 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: I'm not the death step showing up for me, but 325 00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:42,119 Speaker 1: I am good at showing up for other people. So 326 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 1: do some work around that if you if you still 327 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,919 Speaker 1: have a counselor of therapists, do some work about owning 328 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,080 Speaker 1: your desires, what it is you say you want, and 329 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: being able to stand up for it, stand up in it, 330 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: believing you know that you can have what you want 331 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:05,280 Speaker 1: one and if you choose to stay, then I would 332 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: just say, create clear boundaries for yourself. That's how you 333 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:12,320 Speaker 1: show up for yourself. And don't expect your partner to 334 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: do for you what you won't do for yourself. Yeah. Sorry, 335 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: no worries, No worries, no worries. It's it feels I 336 00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: feel you're suffering. I feel it, so outside support may 337 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:36,680 Speaker 1: be helpful for you. Our job gives us twenty five 338 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:43,640 Speaker 1: three sessions a year with with certified therapist a life coaches. 339 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 1: I just every time I've used it, it's about the 340 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:52,080 Speaker 1: relationship and that let's about me. Well, take a new position, 341 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 1: take a new position. You got an endless supply, and 342 00:23:55,240 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: do over. Okay, thank you for loving, thank you, but bye. 343 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: So very often we say we want something and then 344 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:11,400 Speaker 1: we set ourselves up so nice and proper that we 345 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,639 Speaker 1: can't have what we want. And then something shows up 346 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: that is not what we want, and we will twist 347 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: ourselves into a pretzel to make it work, knowing it's 348 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:29,160 Speaker 1: not what we want. So when that happens, it's very, 349 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:35,160 Speaker 1: very important to tell the truth about what you want, 350 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:40,199 Speaker 1: tell the truth about what you're doing, and get clear 351 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:46,160 Speaker 1: about which direction you're gonna choose, going for what you 352 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:52,600 Speaker 1: want or accommodating what you have from a new position. 353 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how far left the road goes. You 354 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,879 Speaker 1: can have what you want. And I want my next 355 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,280 Speaker 1: caller to really get that. We'll talk to her when 356 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. One 357 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,560 Speaker 1: of the most challenging things I've ever faced as a 358 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: mother is recognizing that while I want to be a 359 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:33,119 Speaker 1: responsible parent, that I have an obligation to safeguard my 360 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:38,159 Speaker 1: children and give them the best of who I am. 361 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that I have to eliminate my human 362 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,960 Speaker 1: needs and desires, and I think many mothers struggle with that, 363 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,520 Speaker 1: and we try to put the needs of our children 364 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:55,679 Speaker 1: ahead of our own. Coupled with the belief that many 365 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:59,160 Speaker 1: women hold, which is that we can't have what we want, 366 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: particularly when we become mothers, that our needs sit on 367 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:07,439 Speaker 1: the back burner. My next caller is facing that very issue. 368 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 1: Take a listen. Hello, Greetings, be love, and welcome to 369 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,359 Speaker 1: the our spot. Thank you for calling in today. And 370 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 1: what is your challenge issue dilemma that we can sink 371 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:24,200 Speaker 1: our teeth into. I've been separated for almost five years. 372 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:29,840 Speaker 1: I stayed too long in a relationship that produced three 373 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: wonderful children, but my husband was an alcoholic and emotionally, 374 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:41,159 Speaker 1: psychologically and sometimes a small bit physically abusive. Um. The 375 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted sexual 376 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 1: assault on our at the time nine year old daughter 377 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:55,720 Speaker 1: that created a big thing with police, our child services, 378 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: and I honestly just didn't think it would get that 379 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,960 Speaker 1: far and that horrid. I'll be honest and say it 380 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:09,880 Speaker 1: was probably the worst time in my life. Um, breathe, 381 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,399 Speaker 1: just breathe, just breathe, just breathe don't try to talk. 382 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere. UM. That was incredibly embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, 383 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:25,720 Speaker 1: and I wind up kind of leaving right away. And 384 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: when he stayed with my family over the last uh 385 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 1: four and a half years of work to get my 386 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: daughter's health right, to get my get us back on 387 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:41,439 Speaker 1: my feet, and he's cultivated a wonderful, very intense close 388 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:45,040 Speaker 1: relationship with our son who's alman. Um. My daughter, who's 389 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:50,520 Speaker 1: now fourteen, tolerates him. That means he'll say hello, she'll 390 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:55,400 Speaker 1: say goodbye, but she does not want any close relationship 391 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,280 Speaker 1: to him at all anymore. UM. I have an issue 392 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:06,320 Speaker 1: because he is wanting to reconcile badly, wants to try 393 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:10,359 Speaker 1: to repair, but you know, I don't trust him. But 394 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,880 Speaker 1: I feel like, um, this is my second marriage. If 395 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:18,119 Speaker 1: I don't allow some kind of something that I'll be 396 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:23,359 Speaker 1: letting everyone down. My son comes and talks to me often, Mom, 397 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,359 Speaker 1: Why aren't you trying to work it out with dad? 398 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,200 Speaker 1: You know? UM, he tries to say things when when 399 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: him and my daughter have you know, conversations every now 400 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,439 Speaker 1: and again. You know, I really I'm trying to do 401 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 1: better with you. But your mom won't let me you 402 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 1: know it, won't try to get us all back together 403 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:47,360 Speaker 1: as a family. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, right there, 404 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: I want you to go to the nearest mina slap 405 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: the first person that's yours up in that name, that 406 00:28:55,760 --> 00:29:00,720 Speaker 1: would say to you that you have to consider being 407 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: back in a relationship with a person who has a 408 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:11,640 Speaker 1: substance abuse issue that has been physically, verbally, psychologically, emotionally 409 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:18,320 Speaker 1: abusive and attempted to sexually abuse your daughter. And somebody 410 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 1: would say to you you have to consider anybody else's feelings. 411 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: Please please slap that that um, the issue is somebody 412 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:37,400 Speaker 1: needs to be slapped. That's the issue. I am. I 413 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: feel stuck in the middle, and I no longer want 414 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 1: to be stuck. Well, they make a decision, make a 415 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 1: decision right here, right now. I'm done. Done, So there 416 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 1: is no more conversation. There's no more conversation. But as 417 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,800 Speaker 1: long as you even have a question about it in 418 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 1: your consciousness, it will continue to come up. Shut it down. 419 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: Not going to happen. Ever, maybe on the fifth of 420 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 1: never Weary, are you available? On that day? Are you available? 421 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:17,880 Speaker 1: That's the day I will consider being back in intimate 422 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 1: loving live with you relationship on the fifth of Never Weary, 423 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: can you can you show up on that day? Please? Yeah, 424 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: because you think you're in the middle, you will even 425 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: consider entertaining it. And when he starts that, shut it down. No, no, no, no, 426 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,320 Speaker 1: no no. Listen, beloved, your father is a beautiful soul, 427 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:41,080 Speaker 1: blessed child of God. But there is no way that 428 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: we are ever going to be back together. Doesn't mean 429 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:45,920 Speaker 1: we can't be a family. This is our new normal. 430 00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,840 Speaker 1: He's over there, well over here. So the work is 431 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,960 Speaker 1: with me now, are y'all? Because I know in my 432 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: soul of souls that I don't want to be back. 433 00:30:56,760 --> 00:31:00,240 Speaker 1: But this is a second field marriage. That's not the 434 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:04,800 Speaker 1: way you frame this. I am not choosing because choice 435 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,440 Speaker 1: is your power. You girl, You don't got me heated 436 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:12,280 Speaker 1: up over here. I am not choosing to be back. 437 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: But now I have to cut out all of the stuff, 438 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:20,280 Speaker 1: my stuff, which is second film marriage. No no, no, no, no, no, 439 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 1: no stop stop stop. Let's go back to the mirror. 440 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: Let's go back to the mirror. There's a slapping. There's 441 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 1: a slapping. There is a slapping required here. It's not 442 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,480 Speaker 1: a failed marriage. You made the wrong choice. Oops. That 443 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,080 Speaker 1: didn't work. Let me try again. It's not a failed marriage. 444 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 1: What does a failed marriage? What does that mean? That 445 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 1: means that somehow you're wrong, or you're guilty or whatever. 446 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 1: Maybe you want to look at why you chose that 447 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:54,920 Speaker 1: in the first place, maybe your choices or or where 448 00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:59,160 Speaker 1: you need to investigate. But you've made a wrong choice. Oops, 449 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:00,880 Speaker 1: that didn't work. Can you say that? Let me hear 450 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:03,600 Speaker 1: you say that that. I'll take that instead of a slap. 451 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:12,120 Speaker 1: That didn't work. What was I thinking? Yeah? I was thinking, yeah, 452 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,239 Speaker 1: oh my lord, let me get up out of it 453 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: this quick. Yeah. I bought this fabulous pair of shoes. Uh, 454 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,760 Speaker 1: last month. They were sexy, they were on sale. I 455 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: brought them shoes. Yeah. And then I was going out 456 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,840 Speaker 1: and I put them shoes on my feet, and I said, oops, 457 00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,840 Speaker 1: what was I thinking? Well, I can't go nowhere in 458 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,840 Speaker 1: these shoes. I can't even walk out the closet in them. 459 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 1: Oh my lord, not do the received away and everything. 460 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: I took them right to the donation box and put 461 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,720 Speaker 1: them right in their brand new ain't never warm. What 462 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:50,240 Speaker 1: was I thinking? It cost me a little bit? Can 463 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: you hear me? It cost me a little bit, But 464 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,440 Speaker 1: I am not gonna torture myself because I bought these 465 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,560 Speaker 1: fabulous shoes that made my legs look sexy on sale 466 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: to make your behind right over there to the donation. 467 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: But can you hear me, lighten this thing up a 468 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,840 Speaker 1: little bit? I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. 469 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 1: And when he starts that, when he says that to 470 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 1: your daughter, say wait a minute, let me step in 471 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:20,640 Speaker 1: here and let me just say this. I'm gonna say 472 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 1: this to you, beloved, the fifth of denver weary. That's 473 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 1: when we're going to get back together, the fifth of 474 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,560 Speaker 1: never wearing. And to your daughter, say, your father has 475 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:32,000 Speaker 1: a beautiful soul, loving the death. I want you all 476 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,360 Speaker 1: have a wonderful relationship, but I will not be in 477 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,800 Speaker 1: relationship with your father the way we used to be. 478 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 1: We've got a new normal. Now he's over there, I'm 479 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: over here. Shut it down. Otherwise, a deceptive intelligence in 480 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:50,080 Speaker 1: you will continue to make you wrong. And what if? 481 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: What if? What if you never get married again? Have 482 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: play dates, find you some nice, sweet little thing that 483 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,440 Speaker 1: you can take to the red move in, and then 484 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: go what the hell? Now here's okay. Now here's the 485 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,320 Speaker 1: second part. Here's the other side of this. I'm working 486 00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,880 Speaker 1: through my stuff, right, I'm working through my stuff. He's 487 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:21,480 Speaker 1: going to he's going to further distance himself from the 488 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:26,560 Speaker 1: children by his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours, 489 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,280 Speaker 1: his choice, not yours. Did I mention that's his choice, 490 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,880 Speaker 1: not yours? Did I mention that his choice not yours? 491 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,560 Speaker 1: That's called emotional blackmail. Okay, So you're not doing what 492 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:42,040 Speaker 1: he's wants you to do. So he's gonna threaten to 493 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:46,439 Speaker 1: harm your children, he's their father. Yeah, Then he said 494 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 1: he'll move, He'll move to leave the state and leave 495 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,160 Speaker 1: the country. Can you help him get the Trump? Can 496 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: you help him? So here I am, well, here I 497 00:34:56,120 --> 00:35:02,359 Speaker 1: am with these three kids, and um doing it on 498 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:07,360 Speaker 1: my own, which I'm at about eight percent right now anyway. 499 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: And so that's the part that I'm cleaning up right now, 500 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:15,160 Speaker 1: I'm cleaning up where I'll be. It's called court, family court, 501 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:19,120 Speaker 1: it's called child support. Listen, I know I'm being hard 502 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,839 Speaker 1: on this, brother, But if I heard you correctly, I 503 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 1: heard you say that this man who sired a child 504 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 1: with you and a drunken, stupid or a fit of insanity, 505 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:37,120 Speaker 1: tried to sexually assault her. Is that did I hear 506 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:39,799 Speaker 1: you say that you know me correct. He does not 507 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,360 Speaker 1: give any benefit of the doubt. Love you mean it, 508 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:47,719 Speaker 1: forgive you. I'm sorry, I'm I know I'm being hard 509 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:50,479 Speaker 1: on him. Yeah, I'm That's why I left. I felt 510 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:51,960 Speaker 1: like we left in the middle of the night, the 511 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 1: way we left about I left in the middle of 512 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 1: the night with three bags and three kids. I left 513 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,960 Speaker 1: with three bags and three kids. Okay. Why because when he, 514 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:04,720 Speaker 1: at six ft four two hundred and sixty pounds, picked 515 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 1: up a bed slat ready to hit me in my head, 516 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: and the Holy Spirit said to me, leave, leave now, 517 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:15,120 Speaker 1: or he's gonna kill you. Oh my god. Okay. That's 518 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,480 Speaker 1: when I laughed at two thirty in the morning with 519 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,880 Speaker 1: three children and three bags of close okay. And I 520 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:25,840 Speaker 1: never went back ever, didn't go back, you know, because 521 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 1: you can beat me, you can cheat on me, you 522 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,120 Speaker 1: can't kill me. I don't give you permission to kill me. Okay. 523 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,760 Speaker 1: Back then I had said, okay, I'm just gonna get beaten. 524 00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,560 Speaker 1: Back then is okay, he's just gonna cheat. But when 525 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:44,160 Speaker 1: you start talking killing people, h no, I'm out. Yeah. 526 00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:48,719 Speaker 1: That was the straw and if sexual violation of his 527 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,040 Speaker 1: own child is not the store for you. Go to 528 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:57,120 Speaker 1: the mirror. It was strong, It's still the strong. I'm 529 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,880 Speaker 1: just dealing because I don't want to be back with 530 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,319 Speaker 1: this fool. But I um, you know, he's with the sun, 531 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,480 Speaker 1: and I just I you know, I guess we'll have 532 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,399 Speaker 1: to deal with whatever comes next. If it means he's 533 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: not going to be in their lives, and so be it. 534 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,839 Speaker 1: He's blackmailing you. How do you deal with a blackmailer? 535 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:20,560 Speaker 1: You call the police. Let me just say this to you. 536 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:26,399 Speaker 1: Belove it. You can have what you want. You can 537 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,719 Speaker 1: have a man that accepts you, loves you, respects you, 538 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:34,480 Speaker 1: and values treasures and love your children. You can have that. 539 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:38,719 Speaker 1: As soon as you believe it is possible. You can 540 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:43,399 Speaker 1: have that because you can get you some shoes that 541 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:47,080 Speaker 1: fit your feet. They're whipping on it and he'll be 542 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:50,640 Speaker 1: right there. Okay. I want you to repeat this with me. 543 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 1: I pledge allegiance to myself. Say that I pledge allegiance 544 00:37:55,080 --> 00:38:00,279 Speaker 1: to myself that I will never accommodate or tolerate or 545 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:04,400 Speaker 1: accept a man in my life who does not honor 546 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:10,120 Speaker 1: the glory that I am, and I will not entertain 547 00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:17,400 Speaker 1: a man who poses a threat to my daughters. Yeah, 548 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:21,319 Speaker 1: that's your pledge of allegiance. You start there. M hmm. 549 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 1: And stop talking to man. Don't listen to their conversations. 550 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:32,000 Speaker 1: They talk out their neck, you know. I say, every 551 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:37,319 Speaker 1: woman has a queen, and she has a princess, and 552 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:41,280 Speaker 1: she has a wife, and she has a mother inside 553 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,640 Speaker 1: of us every woman, there's a queen in there, there's 554 00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:47,359 Speaker 1: a mother in there, there's a wife in there, there's 555 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:51,920 Speaker 1: a mistress in there, this a hole in there, and 556 00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:53,839 Speaker 1: there's a b I t c h in there. Two. 557 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,719 Speaker 1: You need to put the b I t c h 558 00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,120 Speaker 1: in the throne right now? Do you get the until 559 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,880 Speaker 1: you get the mother woman and the queen in order? Okay, 560 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:08,360 Speaker 1: put her in the throne. Yeah, okay, I'm so glad 561 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,799 Speaker 1: we talked. This has been very hopeful and clarifying. Yes, 562 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: I am too. Okay, tell me something you know now 563 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:19,120 Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you call me. I always 564 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:23,640 Speaker 1: need the answer. Um, you need to put some things 565 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:30,160 Speaker 1: in perspective and be okay, and do give myself a 566 00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:35,919 Speaker 1: little bit more grace. Yeah, yeah, and put the bitch 567 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:38,279 Speaker 1: in the throne. Put her in the throne. Put the 568 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:48,800 Speaker 1: bit in the throne. Okay. So she will slack. Somebody 569 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:54,600 Speaker 1: let me know how you make out, darling. Okay, okay, 570 00:39:54,840 --> 00:40:02,359 Speaker 1: you take good care, Thank you, Bye bye. Life is complicated, 571 00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,560 Speaker 1: It really really is. Let's just put that outfront. Life 572 00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:09,400 Speaker 1: is complicated for us as individuals. But then when you 573 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:13,160 Speaker 1: drop children into the mix, when you are a parent, 574 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:19,960 Speaker 1: life goes from challenging and difficult to mind boggling. Both 575 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:25,120 Speaker 1: of my guests today have issues related to children. They 576 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:30,880 Speaker 1: think the issues are really about them being clear and 577 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,759 Speaker 1: believing that they can have what they want. So when 578 00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:37,400 Speaker 1: life throws a curveball your way and their children involved, 579 00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 1: if you stop long enough to look at you first 580 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:47,040 Speaker 1: and get clear about what you want and how can 581 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:52,040 Speaker 1: you support, protect, and be responsible for your children in 582 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,520 Speaker 1: the process, you get to the finish line a lot 583 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:58,520 Speaker 1: quicker than if you just try to do what you 584 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,359 Speaker 1: think needs to be done for the children. Children are 585 00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:08,799 Speaker 1: a blessing, but you, beloved, are your biggest blessing. Vote 586 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:13,680 Speaker 1: for you first. I hope this has been helpful to someone, 587 00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,040 Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any 588 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:21,280 Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven 589 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:25,000 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now 590 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,880 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 591 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:31,600 Speaker 1: of the calling times and until then, stay in peace 592 00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:40,120 Speaker 1: and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of 593 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:44,799 Speaker 1: Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more 594 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:49,080 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, 595 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:53,240 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.