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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Professional. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls and it's your girl eban a from

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Speaker 1: the PhD Podcast. The only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from women anoviously on stories that were enlightened and

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Speaker 1: expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear someone that

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Speaker 1: sounds familiar, mind abits to pays you child. If you

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Speaker 1: like the PhD Podcast, please rate, review and subscribe on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. Please find star reviews only hold me down,

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Speaker 1: don't hold me up. You can connect with me on

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Speaker 1: Instagram at the Professional home Girl, at the PSC podcast

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Speaker 1: and last not Least at and a Beauty. If you're

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Speaker 1: all caught up with episodes, listen to bonus episodes by

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Speaker 1: supporting the PSC podcast Patreon account. To support, please visit

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Speaker 1: www dot patreon dot com. Forward slash the PSC podcast. Now.

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Speaker 1: Please keep in mind that all of my guests aren't honest,

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Speaker 1: So let's again this week's episode. I am always excited

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Speaker 1: to speak to my guests. Fun fact before we begin,

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Speaker 1: So we recorded your first episode this exact same day

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Speaker 1: last year. I was dying to tell you funny wow.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know me either. I was doing like

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Speaker 1: listen to the last episode, I was like, damn, I

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Speaker 1: know it's meant to be so First of all, I

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Speaker 1: want to say thank you so much for coming back

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Speaker 1: to the show to speak with me about your second

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Speaker 1: book title, Please Radical Self Careing for Wild Women of Color.

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Speaker 1: Your first episode is still number one since last year,

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Speaker 1: and my listeners I know, all right and they've been

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Speaker 1: seen it or follow up. So but loveing. How are

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Speaker 1: you doing. I'm doing alright. I'm making it for them,

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Speaker 1: good good. How has it been the pandemic been treating you?

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Speaker 1: Oh it's been okay, it's been okay. I'm typically a

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Speaker 1: homebody anyway, but even for me, this has been just

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Speaker 1: a little right. It's like, oh, welcome, I want to

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Speaker 1: go outside just for a little bit, right exactly. I'm

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Speaker 1: missing places that I haven't been to or forever. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I want to go to the mall. I go to

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Speaker 1: the mall and I don't know, oh, I love one

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Speaker 1: to them all. I just put a whop around the mall.

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Speaker 1: I just want to go like drink and smoke cooker,

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Speaker 1: Like you don't do that? What do you you know?

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Speaker 1: I missed going to the movies. I love going to

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Speaker 1: the movies, so but yeah hopefully. So I don't see

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Speaker 1: it soon. I time soon, but I might as well

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Speaker 1: settling for another year and maybe we'll get you. I

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Speaker 1: know you were able to push out a book this

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Speaker 1: year but last year, so I was like, damn that

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Speaker 1: I had nothing else to do. And what really happened

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Speaker 1: is that, um, I kind of outlined everything all at

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Speaker 1: once and then realize, oh, this is pretty different books.

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Speaker 1: So I had the you know, I had the bone. Um,

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Speaker 1: so all the tip was just lessing things out and

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Speaker 1: getting it done. It was way overdue. I was supposed

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Speaker 1: to do it in like twenty nicely or something. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I was looking at you reviews an Amazon.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, everybody loves like just your platform, Like

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Speaker 1: the first book was amazing, the second book was amazing,

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Speaker 1: So what is no, it really was. I'm not even

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Speaker 1: saying it because I like her. Her book was really good,

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Speaker 1: and I like your book because it's easy to follow.

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Speaker 1: I'm glad. So what inspire you too? Write? Please radical stuff?

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Speaker 1: Care for a while Wing the color. So it's the

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Speaker 1: first thing I thought about was the fact that just

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Speaker 1: um the platform black girl Bliss is committed to pleasure

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Speaker 1: and helping black women in THEMS explore pleasure, and just

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Speaker 1: from my own sort of theorizing and reading and research,

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Speaker 1: I see pleasure happening in three different sort of areas

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Speaker 1: of life, so sexuality, sirtuality, and self care. And so

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Speaker 1: when I thought about writing a book, and at first

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Speaker 1: I was gonna put everything in one book, but when

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Speaker 1: I realized it made more fans to make free, I figured, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll make one for sexuality, one for spirituality, and one

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Speaker 1: for self here, so I know that things would like

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Speaker 1: overlap and that you know, the same sort of messages

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Speaker 1: would probably be in all three books. But I figure,

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Speaker 1: you know, for the person who's like hookey prayers, maybe

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Speaker 1: not so much. I don't know, he's like something not

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Speaker 1: for me. Maybe they like please, you know, maybe they

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Speaker 1: relate to that a little bit more um. And it's

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Speaker 1: just a lot more um, I don't know, like inWORD

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Speaker 1: focus like it's a lot more like itself thinking about

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Speaker 1: yourself and not in like all the fun ways the

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Speaker 1: posy prayers, but in the ways of like, you know,

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Speaker 1: you gotta deal with you, and you gotta figure out

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Speaker 1: what's want to make you happy so that you are

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Speaker 1: responsible for that and maintaining that, you know, regardless of

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Speaker 1: what is going around. So that is why I wrote please. So,

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Speaker 1: being a research in myself, I love the background history

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Speaker 1: you always give when I read each of your books.

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Speaker 1: So can you please elaborate on the history of black

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Speaker 1: women being tired from the lack of self care due

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Speaker 1: to the systems designed to keep us that way? Yes.

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Speaker 1: So when I was thinking about this, you know, I

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Speaker 1: like to reach all the way that to those things

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Speaker 1: that we just hate as you know, that's just what

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Speaker 1: it is. This is the culture, this is just what

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Speaker 1: we do UM, and I like to expand on those

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Speaker 1: and try to figure out where it comes from. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of things that we don't necessarily explore. We

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Speaker 1: just kind of take them for what they are. Our

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Speaker 1: grandma said it, our mama said it, and so that's

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Speaker 1: what that is. And I think the beauty of UM,

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Speaker 1: the younger generations, millennials and gen Z is that we

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Speaker 1: are not afraid to ask questions. We're not afraid to

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Speaker 1: be like, no, I don't like this, this is secret.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why we don doing this. And so

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Speaker 1: in that same energy, I was like, Okay, how did

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Speaker 1: we get here? Like, what are the things that led

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Speaker 1: us to feel like we've gotta constantly be productive to

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Speaker 1: be valuable, but we gotta constantly give of ourselves for

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Speaker 1: people to say that we are good or kind or

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Speaker 1: worthy of anything that we've got to constantly, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: do for other people, and that learning that energy towards

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Speaker 1: ourselves is now selfish or whatever else. So that really

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Speaker 1: just came for me doing a lot of um, just reading,

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Speaker 1: reading a lot of women's fiction, black women's fiction especially.

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Speaker 1: It's like some older stuff I read, like Gloria Naylor,

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Speaker 1: I read, UM, Tony Morrison. I mean everything you think

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Speaker 1: of like I probably have it on my mother. I

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Speaker 1: mean everybody who's just like either are illustrating how black

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Speaker 1: women consistently show up for everybody but themselves, or are saying, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we consistently do this, and here's how we can, like not,

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Speaker 1: how can we turn that towards ourselves because if we don't,

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Speaker 1: we are literally going to die. Mm hmmm. So what

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Speaker 1: does pleasure mean? And the reason why I act it

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Speaker 1: is because when people here the word pleasure, they automatically

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Speaker 1: think of sexy, and that has been something that UM

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Speaker 1: just in UM working with Black Girl Bliss like across

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Speaker 1: platforms and things like that. People think it's just about that,

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Speaker 1: it's just about sexuality. So I'm always like, no, these

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Speaker 1: three different things over here, spirituality, sexuality, and self care. UM.

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Speaker 1: But if you look at a textbook or not textbook

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Speaker 1: but dictionary definition, it's it's like statisfaction, it's joy, it's

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Speaker 1: feeling good, you know, It's that basics and can be

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Speaker 1: applied to so need so many different ways. So I

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Speaker 1: like to say that pleasure is sort of a combination

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Speaker 1: UM or not of satisfaction, joy, comfort, UM, and love.

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Speaker 1: I think, hmm, all of those who need UM can

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Speaker 1: be found. I think in pleasure. When you're doing something

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Speaker 1: that brings with pleasure, those are typically the feelings that

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Speaker 1: you have UM. And depending on what you need, you know,

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Speaker 1: you may need less joy but more comfort. You know,

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Speaker 1: you may want to feel more love or something like that.

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Speaker 1: So all of those are just kind of how under pleasure?

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Speaker 1: Now can you explain what pleasure is not? Because people

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Speaker 1: me thinking they're doing other things and I was like, na, child,

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Speaker 1: so you're not doing it right. So I think that true,

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Speaker 1: true pleasure is not something that you feel obligated to

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Speaker 1: do UM for somebody else, it's not anything that detracts

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Speaker 1: from your obligations and responsibility. So you know, I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying neglect your kids. I'm not saying, you know, not

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Speaker 1: go to work, and I'm not saying none of that.

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Speaker 1: I say, you know, what do you need to do

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Speaker 1: to feel good? That is really the question, right, you

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Speaker 1: deserve to feel good? So how are you going to

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Speaker 1: make it your business to make sure that you feel

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Speaker 1: that more often than not? It's not just about sex,

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Speaker 1: and it's not really you know, it doesn't really involve

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Speaker 1: another person, like this can involve this and whatever you

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Speaker 1: want to do, like it doesn't have to be this

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Speaker 1: thing you have to tell the world about or let

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Speaker 1: everybody know that you're doing. But it does require some boundaries.

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Speaker 1: It does require you to stand up confidently and say

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Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing over here, and you can

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Speaker 1: get with it or get up mm hmm. Now, one

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Speaker 1: of the questions I had the bar from your book

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Speaker 1: because this made me think for a minute, is what

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Speaker 1: do you believe about pleasure? I was like, man, that's

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Speaker 1: a good question. So for anybody familiar with astrology, I

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Speaker 1: am a Sagittarius, fun with horrors rising and a cancer

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Speaker 1: moment with me, I like to do what I like

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Speaker 1: to do, and that is what I believe is my right,

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Speaker 1: Like that is the end all be all of my

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Speaker 1: entire life is just I'm doing what I'm doing, and

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Speaker 1: I'm doing it whether you like it or not. And

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Speaker 1: as a child that didn't really go over very well,

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Speaker 1: but as an adult who had to remind herself, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: you're not you know, you don't have to answer to

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Speaker 1: anybody anymore. You're not gonna get intuble for doing what

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Speaker 1: you want to do because somebody doesn't like. Like for me,

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Speaker 1: when I think about pleasure, I think it is my

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Speaker 1: right as a human being on this earth two do

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Speaker 1: the things that make me happy. And anything that's in

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Speaker 1: the way of that is I don't know. They don't

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Speaker 1: need to be around me. Um, but I will say,

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Speaker 1: when I think of pleasure, you know, some folks may

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Speaker 1: think that very I don't know. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: I don't want to send anybody, but like very strange

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Speaker 1: things they find pleasure in, you know, like thing that

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Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe considered like anti social, like brings

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Speaker 1: you probably shouldn't do in public. And I always want

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Speaker 1: to let folks know, like if you're seeing somebody who's

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Speaker 1: saying like, oh, this horrible thing makes me happy, or

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Speaker 1: this you know, saying that it is taboo makes me happy,

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Speaker 1: like they need some help, they have some other underlying

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Speaker 1: things that are causing them to think that, probably their

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Speaker 1: own trauma and issues and things like that, because that's

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Speaker 1: not I don't believe that that's our natural say to being.

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Speaker 1: I don't believe that's our natural information towards pleasure is

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Speaker 1: harming anyone, hurting anyone, um and danger, put people in danger,

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Speaker 1: and things like that. That is not pleasure. And I

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Speaker 1: will also say that food pleasure is not anything that's

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Speaker 1: gonna make you feel badly, you know, like I can

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Speaker 1: sit on the couch and eat this kind of ice

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Speaker 1: cream and call that pleasure. But if I know I'm

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Speaker 1: lack token tolerance, that ain't pleasure. Like that awful. So

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Speaker 1: this being being for real with yourselves, like is this

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Speaker 1: really pleasure? Or am I soothing? You know? Am I?

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Speaker 1: Am I feeling away? And I just want to not

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Speaker 1: feel that way for right now? But you're fine? Or

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Speaker 1: am I really engaging in something that's going to restore me,

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Speaker 1: make me feel good, feel me, give me the energy

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Speaker 1: I need to go and do whatever it is that

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to do in my life now. I would say,

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Speaker 1: between both books, you really put an emphasis on pleasure

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Speaker 1: being a source of power. Why do you think so?

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Speaker 1: Because if you think about how you feel when you

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Speaker 1: are burnt out, you have given everything you have to

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Speaker 1: give to everybody else you, I mean, you're at the

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Speaker 1: point where you're just like, I can't, I can't, I

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Speaker 1: can't do anything else here. I Am gonna lay here

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Speaker 1: in the dark until I don't know, forget everything because

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Speaker 1: you don't have the energy. You've given it to everybody

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Speaker 1: else and you haven't turned any of that forward yourself.

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Speaker 1: So when you are doing the things that you do

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Speaker 1: for other people for yourself, when you're feed in yourself, well,

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Speaker 1: they're making sure you're comfortable, when you're making sure you're happy.

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Speaker 1: You have the things you want, you have the things

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Speaker 1: you need to you know, are doing the things that

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Speaker 1: you like to do. You're going to places you like

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Speaker 1: to go. You're saying no when you feel like saying no, Like,

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Speaker 1: all of that is going to maintain and restore that

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Speaker 1: energy that you're given out to everybody else, and to me,

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Speaker 1: that's their power. That's your power to, you know, do

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Speaker 1: the things that you want to do. You can't, I

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Speaker 1: don't know, write a book that you've been wanting to

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Speaker 1: write if you spend all your energy elsewhere and don't

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Speaker 1: have no energy left at the end of the day

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Speaker 1: because the stock you gave it away. But if you're

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Speaker 1: really taking care of yourself, which is why I say

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Speaker 1: that pleasure is radical self care. Its censoring yourself, putting

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Speaker 1: yourself first, which is taboos, especially for women, to say, no,

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Speaker 1: I don't care who else is over here, this is

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Speaker 1: about me and put in that energy port yourself. You

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Speaker 1: can do anything. You got the energy, the right that

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Speaker 1: you got the energy to, you know, do those things,

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Speaker 1: those dreams that come to your mind. You have the energy.

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Speaker 1: And your book you call it Stay Juicy. You see,

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Speaker 1: it's real doucy. Like I always heard that quote um

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Speaker 1: that you um fill up your own cup first and

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Speaker 1: U you know, care your overflow or whatever. And I'm

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Speaker 1: just like, do I have to share like I do

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Speaker 1: as the universe to care of yourself first? Right? That

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Speaker 1: is our natural way of being. And I'm also an

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Speaker 1: only child on my mom's side, I'm like sharing, what

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Speaker 1: is it I don't understand, So I'm like, no, I don't,

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Speaker 1: that's mine. I don't have to give that any But

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Speaker 1: I am not obligated to give of myself, of my juiciness,

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Speaker 1: of whatever in my up to anybody. That's funny, that's

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Speaker 1: like you when my when all y'all cups are feeled

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Speaker 1: and manage who going? Who going for it? To me?

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Speaker 1: Nobody now exactly eular they ain't got it. They can't

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Speaker 1: do it, okay, So all the duty over years for

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Speaker 1: me and if I feel like they're if it would

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Speaker 1: make me happy to share, then yeah, sure, but I'm

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Speaker 1: not obligator. And people, you know, when you start setting

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Speaker 1: out kind of boundaries, people start calling you everything but

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Speaker 1: the child of guy. You you know that. But it's

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Speaker 1: because people feel entitled your energy, They feel entitled to

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Speaker 1: what do you do for them, and they just can't

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Speaker 1: a lot of entitling niggas out here too, they can't.

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Speaker 1: They just that you would be able to say no,

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Speaker 1: and it also highlights in them where they haven't said

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Speaker 1: no when they can, So then they're triggered because they're like,

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Speaker 1: I do it? So how dare you feel like you

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Speaker 1: don't have to do it all right, right. Why do

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Speaker 1: you think still that most women of color have a

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Speaker 1: complicated relationship with pleasure? Um, I think we've been talking

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Speaker 1: not to trust ourselves. I think we've been talking not

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Speaker 1: to trust our bodies. We've been taught that homemakings were unclean.

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Speaker 1: We're not smart, we can't lead, we can't decide. We

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Speaker 1: gotta have a man tell us you know what's right

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Speaker 1: and what's wrong, and what's to do and what not

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Speaker 1: to do. It wasn't that long ago that we couldn't

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Speaker 1: even have a bank account or credit card in our

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Speaker 1: own name without a man like. And then you bring

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Speaker 1: in religion, which tells you that some supreme man is,

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Speaker 1: you know, the end all be all, and that who

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Speaker 1: you listen to, and that who makes all the decisions

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Speaker 1: in your life. So I think that women and feminine

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Speaker 1: people have a bit of a talent unlearning that idea

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Speaker 1: that the maculine is the one who take the weed

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Speaker 1: and take cards and teep to the truth and all

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Speaker 1: these kinds of things. Um, and I blame everything on

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Speaker 1: sitting their white heteropptual patriarchy. It's all, you know. What's

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Speaker 1: so funny. I was telling one of my listeners that

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Speaker 1: I was doing um a recording with you about this

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Speaker 1: your book, and she was telling me how when she

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Speaker 1: was to this day, she doesn't feel comfortable when masturbating

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Speaker 1: because when she was younger, she was raising a very

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Speaker 1: strict religious home and her father called her masturbating and

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Speaker 1: he told her that she was going to hell. So

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Speaker 1: every since till this day, like she said, she always

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Speaker 1: felt bad after she masturbates. Yeah, it's like very deep

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Speaker 1: un learning that we have to do. And it's even

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Speaker 1: deeper when, like you said, you're growing up in that household,

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Speaker 1: you're currently giving these messages that everything that you feel naturally,

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Speaker 1: all of your natural inclinations, are wrong, and so you

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Speaker 1: have to grapple with that when you're then trying to

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Speaker 1: explore that part of yourself. You're like, the way somebody

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Speaker 1: that I know and love and trust told me this

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Speaker 1: was wrong, So now I have to unlearn. You know, No,

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Speaker 1: it's not. And they were taught that by somebody, and

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Speaker 1: that person will talk that by somebody, but it's not

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Speaker 1: the truth just because it's been past them. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: I also feel like a lot of people feel like

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Speaker 1: they are they are unworthy of pleasure. Mmmmmm. Yeah, we

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Speaker 1: have who's how the red the hole goes deep. So

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Speaker 1: when you you know it's it's the same thing for

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Speaker 1: when like people are like, oh, I hate money and

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Speaker 1: money it's terrible and I hate rich people. But it's

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Speaker 1: really because like they never had money for real, and

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Speaker 1: they created these ideas about money or about people with

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Speaker 1: money because they didn't have it. So they're like, it's

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Speaker 1: easier to hate it, not wanted despise it than to

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Speaker 1: admit to your so how much you really really want it?

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Speaker 1: Um and again goes back to messaging about you know,

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Speaker 1: what we're allowed to have, what we should be focused on.

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Speaker 1: People like to say all that self care stuff is

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Speaker 1: for white people, or that you know, indulging in whatever pleasures,

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Speaker 1: that's frivolous, that's a waste of time. You need to

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Speaker 1: be working, you need to be giving back, You need

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Speaker 1: to do this and this and that, and you'll ever

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Speaker 1: be none of that. You have a choice. You have

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Speaker 1: a choice. You always, always always have a choice. And

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Speaker 1: I think that people think that, oh, I I don't

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Speaker 1: get to spend this time on myself when other people

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Speaker 1: are in need. I don't get to spend this time

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Speaker 1: on my self when I could be working I don't

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Speaker 1: get to spend this time on myself when I got

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Speaker 1: kids or whatever the case might be. But if you

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Speaker 1: are not okay, if you are not doing well, you

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00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,119
Speaker 1: are not going to be okay for any of the

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Speaker 1: other people in places and things that you feel needs you.

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Speaker 1: And you're probably going to be surprised that these folks

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Speaker 1: and places don't need you as much as they play.

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Speaker 1: They'll figure out they've been figuring out. Do you think

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Speaker 1: that the media plays into the misconceptions about pleasure and

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Speaker 1: self care? Um? M hm, yes, and no, I think

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Speaker 1: that uh, there is m there's just one sort of

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Speaker 1: stereotype of what self care looks like. And of course

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Speaker 1: it looks like you know, stopping and manicures and pedicures,

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Speaker 1: and they castion by they other kinds of things, and

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Speaker 1: that can be your self care, I mean sounds like mine,

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Speaker 1: but it's not like you know, and people think that's

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Speaker 1: all it is, right, And that's why I tried to

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Speaker 1: make the distinguish the what am I think the distinct

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Speaker 1: in the hood like happening in my mouth? Okay, try

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Speaker 1: to make the distinction. Um that there are soothing activities

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Speaker 1: right that they are going to get you out of

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Speaker 1: that phone quickly, which maybe you're shopping, you're traveling, whatever,

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Speaker 1: But that real deep inner work, that pleasure work like

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Speaker 1: that is not that that's not gonna happen. By betting

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Speaker 1: your toes, that's not gonna happen, getting new Glucci dag

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Speaker 1: or you know, going on a trip to saloon for

365
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Speaker 1: the next two days, like, that's not gonna happen. You're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to actually do be emotional way and you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to sit with yourself and figure out like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm not happy, Why am I not happy? What part

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Speaker 1: did I play in this unhappiness? And how do I

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Speaker 1: make sure that that doesn't ever happen again? And that's

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Speaker 1: ugly word. When you really get down through it, it

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Speaker 1: don't seem fun, It don't seem like pleasure at all.

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Speaker 1: But that is part of the word, because once you

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Speaker 1: come out on the other side, you have a much

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Speaker 1: better understanding of the things you need to do and

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Speaker 1: not do to make sure that you are in a

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Speaker 1: state of satisfaction, joy, love's comfort more most times, if

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Speaker 1: not all the time. M HM. And I feel like

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Speaker 1: people get the too confuse self care and self so

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Speaker 1: they definitely do. I think more of what is shown

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Speaker 1: in the media is using um, but it's not. It's

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Speaker 1: not true self care. It's not true self here. When

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Speaker 1: I think of true self care, I think of like theory,

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Speaker 1: you know, I think of like establishing boundaries. I think

385
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Speaker 1: of doing that deep emotional work. Um. And that's not easy,

386
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 1: that's not easy at all. But it's like planting a garden,

387
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 1: you know, and not even a garden, like a like

388
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,639
Speaker 1: a farm, Like you gotta you gotta get in there. Indeed,

389
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 1: you gotta get in that there. You gotta you know,

390
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 1: do all of that stuff before you even put a

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Speaker 1: seed in the ground. And then you gotta wait for

392
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Speaker 1: the seed. Like you know what I'm saying, Like this

393
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: is not at all, it's it's ongoing. It never stops,

394
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,960
Speaker 1: it never ends. It's always gonna be some new work

395
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 1: to do. There's always gonna be some new place where

396
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,080
Speaker 1: you're like, oh wait a minute, I don't like that

397
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Speaker 1: at all. How do I you know this and really

398
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: take an accountability for that? So how can someone create

399
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:57,400
Speaker 1: space for pleasure consistently without making it feel like another job? Um?

400
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 1: So the first thing I would say it is start

401
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,760
Speaker 1: with what you have where you are. I don't believe

402
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,639
Speaker 1: that any of this work has to cosse money. I

403
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,160
Speaker 1: don't think that you have to buy anything. I don't

404
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,040
Speaker 1: think that you have to pay anybody to do anything

405
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,880
Speaker 1: for you. But you do have to, like I said,

406
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:19,480
Speaker 1: do that deep, die emotionally and think about what is

407
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:24,720
Speaker 1: it that you know I don't like and and start there.

408
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 1: So if you know that, I think it's something super simple. Uh,

409
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:37,000
Speaker 1: if you know that you don't like that your partner

410
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,639
Speaker 1: and your kids eat up all the food that you

411
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,520
Speaker 1: just could and then you get a little frap and

412
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,600
Speaker 1: that'st your dinner, then you need to say something you

413
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,840
Speaker 1: need to you know, undress that and say, you know, right,

414
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 1: how do I figure out how to not be so

415
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:56,639
Speaker 1: resentful at dinner time? Because I know I don't put

416
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,399
Speaker 1: in all this work and I'm getting a frap that

417
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 1: ain't fair to me? So how do you make your

418
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 1: fare to you? And also make sure everybody get what

419
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: they need? Tell them Joe, because they need to wait them.

420
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,479
Speaker 1: They can't be getting three or four plays if they

421
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:18,960
Speaker 1: didn't make sure that you ate, like exactly like let

422
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 1: them know the same consideration and care that I showed

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00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: for as y'all, I need to got to give me

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00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 1: that that because I'm not gonna keep surviving off the crap.

425
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,399
Speaker 1: If you don't deserve that, you don't deserve that at all.

426
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 1: And that's just a very likely basic you know things

427
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 1: that I thought of just now be just generally like

428
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: you gotta start where you are. You gotta start with

429
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,200
Speaker 1: the thing that's most like like the red flag is

430
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 1: flagging over there, you gotta go over there and see

431
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,000
Speaker 1: what in the world is going on. If that means

432
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,160
Speaker 1: like you gotta start talking to somebody, because every time

433
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 1: you talk to them, you feel terrible and you know

434
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,480
Speaker 1: it's the time and they don't respect you or whatever

435
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:03,440
Speaker 1: the case, deplete your energy. You gotta set that boundary.

436
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 1: You really got to do that work. And so I

437
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,680
Speaker 1: don't think that that is making it a job so

438
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,840
Speaker 1: much to get making it a responsibility of yours. If

439
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 1: you want to live a life that feels better to

440
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,240
Speaker 1: you and give you what you to do, what you

441
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,119
Speaker 1: want to do, do what you want to be, have

442
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,200
Speaker 1: what you want to have, now you'll have to do that.

443
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 1: You think keep walking around that to be a resimble

444
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: and unhappy, and that's your business. But for those folks

445
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 1: who really are ready to do that work. I do

446
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 1: think that it definitely has to be a priority and

447
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,560
Speaker 1: it has to be a responsibility that it doesn't have

448
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 1: to feel like a job. Mm hmm. One of my

449
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 1: listeners want to know, is there a such thing as

450
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 1: pleasuring yourself too much? No? I was like, yeah, I

451
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,400
Speaker 1: saw what you guys, I what you got going on

452
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: over there? No, I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

453
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna assume, but I don't know. The I

454
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,640
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know. But that is your business.

455
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,800
Speaker 1: Time you do whatever you want to do. If you

456
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 1: want to lender yourself every hour to day, that is

457
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: your busic. But and big, big but, I would say

458
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,600
Speaker 1: to think about whether you are truly engaging in pleasure

459
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: or if yourself too because if it's something that you

460
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 1: feel obligated to do or feel some help to do

461
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 1: that often that makes me think that it is a

462
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,760
Speaker 1: footing technique and makes me think that you may be

463
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: uh again, trying not do it. So but like you

464
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 1: may be very attacked to those feelings had after engaging

465
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,120
Speaker 1: in that um and that feels better than your current,

466
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: you know, natural state. So I would just um, you know,

467
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 1: just just taking a deeper look, maybe doing some journaling

468
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,480
Speaker 1: or maybe just from freewriting or something like that, just

469
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 1: to maybe you look comes up, um, because it may

470
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,000
Speaker 1: be that you're trying to escape from something on the regular,

471
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 1: or that that is the only time that you feel

472
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 1: good or feel anything. Um. And and that I would

473
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 1: say require some more to be for work. I am

474
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,840
Speaker 1: not a therapist, I am not a doctor. I am

475
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: not anybody who any of that sort of you know information,

476
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 1: But I do think that that would be worth looking into.

477
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:29,520
Speaker 1: But otherwise, you deserve to feel as good as you

478
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 1: want to feel all day, any day. I'm missing. Another

479
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,600
Speaker 1: question I took from your book is did you have

480
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: anybody to model self care for you? And if so,

481
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: what did that look like? No? No, not until very

482
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:50,479
Speaker 1: very recently. UM. No that I guess older women, um

483
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:55,400
Speaker 1: in my in my community, who just excuse this way,

484
00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: you know, I hear about me. You know this is

485
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 1: and not in a selfish way, or even if it

486
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 1: is in a selfish way, it's like they're just just

487
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: radiance about them that you can just tell they pay

488
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: good care of themselves and they poloritize the things that

489
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: they want to do and you can see it self

490
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,960
Speaker 1: up in their lives as well. You know, they have

491
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: different things that they've always wanted to do and be

492
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 1: and have they're making it happen and what's good while

493
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 1: they do with it? And you know all of that.

494
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 1: And so when I was introduced to old women, I

495
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I'm not crazy. This impossible. I thought

496
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,440
Speaker 1: it was people, you know in my mind and I

497
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:39,880
Speaker 1: did my best, but you know, here's a blueprint, here

498
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 1: is some possibility. So but no, like now, no, when

499
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: I was reading your book, I always wonder about our

500
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 1: elders and how their life would have been different if

501
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,240
Speaker 1: they would have took more time for their self care. Okay,

502
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:01,160
Speaker 1: like I think right it would have been. There are

503
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: so many, so many areas that just would have been

504
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,960
Speaker 1: im food if folks really took care themselves, I think

505
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,560
Speaker 1: I said in the book um Angela Davis said that

506
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 1: if more folks in the black, like, how much different

507
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:19,720
Speaker 1: it could have been if they didn't turn into drugs

508
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 1: and all kinds of other things because they needed to

509
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 1: feel better. You know, they were so deep in the

510
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 1: works that they couldn't really see any other option. And

511
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: I did it but like if they had just taken

512
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: some time for themselves, I think that would have been

513
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: incredible to see. And I think the same thing about

514
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: our elders. And honestly, I do think that as folks

515
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: get older, they do start to realize the way, right,

516
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: I'm not responsible to nobody. I raised my fears, I did,

517
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 1: you know, I did what I was supposed to do.

518
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 1: I'm not to go do whatever because now I can.

519
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: And so they started to work through that as well. Um,

520
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 1: even if it's a little later, but I do think

521
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 1: it would have made, I mean all the difference how

522
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:09,120
Speaker 1: they treated other people, how they treated their ship, how

523
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:13,200
Speaker 1: they you know, what they did for work, like, you know,

524
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 1: like how they treated themselves, how they treated themselves, what

525
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: they stopped doing for people. Oh yeah. When I interview

526
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: a lot of older women for my UM on the

527
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,520
Speaker 1: podcast That's My Thing, they always say that how they

528
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 1: wish they would have good things for themselves first before

529
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:36,600
Speaker 1: putting everybody else first. M And I'm like, damn, And

530
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 1: that's what I saw in real time, especially with the

531
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 1: with the women in my family. It was like, you

532
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,160
Speaker 1: haven't constantly doing for others. I have to remind my

533
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 1: own mama, like I am thirty. Yeah, I you don't

534
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 1: have to do things because oh I got a diopathy

535
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 1: and that you know, that's that urgency and that that

536
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 1: I'm desperation. Honestly, it's not there anymore. You are free

537
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 1: to do whatever it is you want to do. You know, time,

538
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,879
Speaker 1: your energy, your money, you're attention, that's all yours now,

539
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 1: like and I hope to do something with it. Same

540
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,719
Speaker 1: thing with like my aunts and people like them, just

541
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,880
Speaker 1: like you don't have to. You know, your work is

542
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,440
Speaker 1: not tied to what you do for people. People are

543
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:28,720
Speaker 1: going still love you if you don't answer their every

544
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,279
Speaker 1: beck and call or you know, make yourself available every

545
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:35,839
Speaker 1: time they need you, Like, they'll be all right if

546
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,000
Speaker 1: you just want to sit here, because I can very

547
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:41,839
Speaker 1: clearly he hired, you know, done all kinds of things

548
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,360
Speaker 1: for the day, and now somebody else to ask you

549
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 1: for something, and you see, I've agate to go. You

550
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:50,600
Speaker 1: don't have to do that. Um. One of the things

551
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,520
Speaker 1: that I took away from your book, but I'm very

552
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: advocate on this is closed now, so don't get to

553
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,759
Speaker 1: So you spoke about the importance of asking for what

554
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: you want in life. Um, but no, I I believe

555
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: that wholeheartedly. I believe that you can't be mad about

556
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,120
Speaker 1: what you didn't get if you didn't ask for it. Now,

557
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: if you ask for it and you still got, you

558
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 1: still didn't get it, be that absolutely. But if you

559
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,080
Speaker 1: you know and this, but you put it out there,

560
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 1: you made it known. I know, um. And I learned

561
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,360
Speaker 1: that from my family as well, because I've seen the

562
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:26,520
Speaker 1: women in my family be like, well, I just feel

563
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:28,680
Speaker 1: like I didn't have to say that thing. I feel

564
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,759
Speaker 1: like they should just know. And I'm like, you know,

565
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: in my short to be like you're on this earth,

566
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:38,040
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure it never works like this, Like it

567
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,799
Speaker 1: never does, and all it gets to you it's being

568
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,239
Speaker 1: resentful and you're mad and you're like, well, why don't

569
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:48,120
Speaker 1: they know? Don't they realize? And I'm like, no, they don't.

570
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,520
Speaker 1: They don't realize. They know if they call you, you're

571
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 1: gonna do it. So they call you. We don't ever

572
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 1: say to themselves you know what. I called them a

573
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,439
Speaker 1: bunch of times this month. I'm gonna give it a break,

574
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,400
Speaker 1: gonna do that, Especially you're going there with a smile

575
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,359
Speaker 1: and you know, acting like everything's okay. They're gonna think

576
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:11,320
Speaker 1: you love it so especially okay, so you have to say, like, hey, listen,

577
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,480
Speaker 1: don't call me after this certain time, or you know,

578
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 1: I can do this once a month, but after that,

579
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 1: I can't do this no more. Like you have to

580
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:23,680
Speaker 1: let people know what's going on. You have to ask

581
00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 1: for what you want, like I said with the example

582
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:30,200
Speaker 1: about the mama getting the scraps from the dinner she made,

583
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,799
Speaker 1: like she's gonna have to say, listen here, y'all gonna

584
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:39,040
Speaker 1: have to on this school. So here's what's gonna happen. Now.

585
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:44,480
Speaker 1: If you say that and then nothing changes, then you know,

586
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:50,320
Speaker 1: ray like you have every right rave hell go on

587
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 1: strike just up here, like I think it's fine, but

588
00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,279
Speaker 1: you know, like you can't just keep allowing people to

589
00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 1: seek to cut away. So you gotta let to know

590
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:02,680
Speaker 1: how you are going to copse this so they can

591
00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:08,000
Speaker 1: step up, if I will accordingly. Now before we leave,

592
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,359
Speaker 1: what is one thing you want people to take away

593
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:14,399
Speaker 1: from your book? One thing? One thing, one thing, one thing.

594
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 1: If I have to say one thing, it is that

595
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 1: you are deserving of pleasure, of satisfaction, of joy, of comfort,

596
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: of tea, of love in every single area of your life.

597
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:37,319
Speaker 1: Your worst is not tied to doing for people. It's

598
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 1: not tied to being the one who's always there. You

599
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,720
Speaker 1: do not have to do this. You can do nothing

600
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,600
Speaker 1: and still be worthy of pleasure. And I really hope

601
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 1: that people realize that this is not, you know, a

602
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 1: frivolous thing. You're not neglecting the other people you're responsible to.

603
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:00,800
Speaker 1: You're not neglecting the people that you love. But you

604
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,399
Speaker 1: are prioritizing yourself. And you deserved it. And not only

605
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 1: do you deserve that, it's your responsibility as a person

606
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 1: on her it is your responsibility to make sure that

607
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:16,240
Speaker 1: you are okay before you go and try to address

608
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 1: anybody else. Mm hmm, Well, I don't want to say

609
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,080
Speaker 1: I am super proud of you and then work that

610
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 1: you are doing with your platform, and as always a

611
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,320
Speaker 1: pleasure of course to speak with you. So if you

612
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,319
Speaker 1: all are interested in partising purchasing her book, please visit

613
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,319
Speaker 1: the link in the show notes below. Now, before we leave,

614
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: you gotta keep the tradition going, and you gotta leave

615
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:42,640
Speaker 1: us with a prayer. Yeah, I forgot I did that, Okay, Okay, okay,

616
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 1: So every time you come on the show, wasn't here, Okay, Um,

617
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,359
Speaker 1: I know I didn't want to tell you. Why don't

618
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:57,440
Speaker 1: you tell you last time? I guess I did do it? Okay, UM,

619
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: all right, So for everyone under the sound of my voice,

620
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:09,799
Speaker 1: I wish you immense pleasure. I wish that everyone who

621
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:13,799
Speaker 1: is listening to this, everyone who has purchased the book,

622
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: read the book, or is just interested in adding more

623
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,919
Speaker 1: pleasures to their lives. I really do hope that all

624
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:26,359
Speaker 1: of the ancestors and DPS and universe conspires into your

625
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: favor and that you have everything you need to have

626
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: everything you want. I am agreeing and believing for you

627
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,839
Speaker 1: and wish you that you deserve pleasure in every way

628
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 1: that you can imagine, and even some ways that you

629
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:47,959
Speaker 1: can't imagine. And I am confirming that if you don't

630
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,360
Speaker 1: have it now, it is on its way too. I

631
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:57,400
Speaker 1: seek amen. Until next time, everyone,