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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability. It's a real guest.

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Speaker 2: If we don't know something about ourselves at this point

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Speaker 2: in our life, it's probably because it's uncomfortable to know.

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Speaker 1: If you can die before you die, then you can

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Speaker 1: really live. There's a wisdom at death's door. I thought

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Speaker 1: I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what to

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Speaker 1: do because there was no internet.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything

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Speaker 2: is hard.

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Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. I'm a human first

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Speaker 1: and a licensed therapist second. And right now I'm inviting

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Speaker 1: you into conversations that I hope encourage you to become

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Speaker 1: more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, and the

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Speaker 1: world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi, guys,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast.

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Speaker 1: My name is Kat and I'm the host. Today's episode

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Speaker 1: is a solo episode with just me, which sometimes I

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Speaker 1: love and sometimes I feel crazy when I do these,

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Speaker 1: because again, it just feels like I'm ranting to myself.

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Speaker 1: But here we are. I'm gonna rant to myself, not

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Speaker 1: really rant. We're gonna be talking about something specific and

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Speaker 1: hopefully you guys will get something out of it up

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Speaker 1: top quickly if you're new or newer to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: I like to remind everybody every week that although I'm

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Speaker 1: a therapist, and although the podcast is called You Need Therapy,

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Speaker 1: this is not a substitute for therapy or replacement. However,

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Speaker 1: my hope is that no matter what it can help you,

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Speaker 1: whether it's in your own therapy process or help you

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Speaker 1: get into therapy, things like that, this can still be

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Speaker 1: a tool in something that I'm gonna use. This sport

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Speaker 1: again is helpful. So this week, I well, I've been

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Speaker 1: watching it for a while, but this week I specifically

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Speaker 1: was watching only Murders in the Building. And first of all,

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Speaker 1: if you haven't watched this, I highly recommend it. I

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Speaker 1: for some reason, was trying to avoid watching it. I

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Speaker 1: just didn't think it looked very good. But it's so good,

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Speaker 1: and I just love the relationship that the three main

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Speaker 1: characters have and it's just sweet and it keeps you

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Speaker 1: interested in the same time, it's like wholesome even though

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Speaker 1: it's about murders. This is not a TV review podcast,

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Speaker 1: but I recommend that show. And the point of you

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Speaker 1: bringing that up. It's because I was watching this episode

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Speaker 1: the other night and one of the characters had this

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Speaker 1: monologue where she was talking about the lies that we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves. And I try to look up the monologue

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Speaker 1: so I could read some of it, but I couldn't

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Speaker 1: find it, and I accidentally, Oh my gosh, so frustrated

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Speaker 1: by this. But as I was looking it up, I

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Speaker 1: was like typing in the person's name and then quotes

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Speaker 1: by them, and I was reading quotes and then I

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Speaker 1: accidentally spoiled the ending for myself. So that's just a

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Speaker 1: lesson and that I've learned today is do not google

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Speaker 1: quotes from a show that you don't know the ending of,

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Speaker 1: because you might accidentally read something that sets you up

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Speaker 1: to be very sad. Although I since have watched the

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Speaker 1: ending of it and it still surprised me. I still

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Speaker 1: like I knew what was going to happen, but I

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Speaker 1: still didn't. It had a hard time not being surprised,

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Speaker 1: which is strange. Anyway, Like I said, I was watching

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Speaker 1: it and she was talking about the lies that we

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves, and it got me thinking because we haven't

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Speaker 1: talked about that directly, and I think it's about time

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Speaker 1: we've talked about manipulation by others and gas slighting and

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Speaker 1: when others lie to us, and we've talked about defense

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Speaker 1: mechanisms more broadly, a lie could be a defense mechanism,

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Speaker 1: denial of defense mechanism. But we haven't really sat down

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Speaker 1: to talk about the lies that were actually perpetually telling ourselves,

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Speaker 1: like undercover, and sometimes we don't even know we're lying.

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Speaker 1: Us are so good at lying about it. Now, there

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Speaker 1: are a couple angles that I thought I could go here,

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Speaker 1: and it kind of for a second, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: how am I going to make this episode? Because we

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Speaker 1: could talk about the lies that we tell to feel

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Speaker 1: better about ourselves, the lies we tell in order to

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Speaker 1: avoid parts of our lives that are hard, the lies

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Speaker 1: we tell in order to stay in denial about certain situations,

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Speaker 1: the lies we tell to remain victims. I mean, the

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Speaker 1: list I could keep going. So what I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to do is separate all this out. We lie to

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Speaker 1: ourselves for a bunch of different reasons at different times,

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Speaker 1: and we do it in different ways. And when you

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Speaker 1: think about lying, it's kind of automatically, I mean not

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Speaker 1: kind of like it automatically comes up as this bad

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Speaker 1: thing we shouldn't do right. It seems so obvious, to

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Speaker 1: the point where I'm like, why am I even saying this?

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Speaker 1: At the same time, I think that lying is not

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Speaker 1: a good option. It seems like that's not what we

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Speaker 1: should do. And this is not going to be what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. I just want to make sure that this

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Speaker 1: is not going to be giving permission to just go

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Speaker 1: out and lie about what whatever you want. But honesty,

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Speaker 1: in my humble opinion, isn't always the best policy. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot more nuance to that. Sometimes in order to

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Speaker 1: maintain safety, we need to lie. In order to maintain

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Speaker 1: our own privacy, we need to lie in order to

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Speaker 1: get what we need. Sometimes we need to lie. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to categorize lying as all bad or

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Speaker 1: all good today, because what therapy loves to do continuously

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Speaker 1: is bring up the messy gray area of life that

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Speaker 1: makes you go, huh what. At the same time, it's

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Speaker 1: offering you freedom to make your own decisions. And at

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Speaker 1: the same time that freedom creates this like what, this

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Speaker 1: doesn't make any sense? The greatness? And people like to

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Speaker 1: fit things in boxes. People like things that can be

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Speaker 1: easily organized and put in the right, place, good, bad,

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Speaker 1: right wrong. Therapy, however, often unlocks us from that way

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Speaker 1: of thinking. And while it's nice to be able to

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Speaker 1: own the judgment in our own story, it's nice to

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Speaker 1: have that autonomy, it's also really scary because it comes

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Speaker 1: with a lot of responsibility, a lot of difficult and

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable feelings. And yeah, you know, we don't really love that.

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Speaker 1: I don't really love that. Now I'm getting on a tangent.

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Speaker 1: But my point is, and what I just said, is

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Speaker 1: that we all lie for different reasons. Some reasons suck,

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Speaker 1: and some reasons are super valid and can be justified.

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Speaker 1: And so what I'm not going to do is be

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Speaker 1: the teller of what is right or wrong for you today.

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Speaker 1: What we're going to do is we're going to look

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Speaker 1: at a list of common lies that we might tell

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Speaker 1: ourselves at times why we tell them, like what they

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Speaker 1: might give us if they're actually helping us, and if

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Speaker 1: they're actually hurting us. And you can be the judge

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Speaker 1: of what fits and what works in your life or

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Speaker 1: where you are and what you need in it right now.

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Speaker 1: These won't all apply to you, because they can be

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Speaker 1: opposite sides of the spectrum sometimes, but chances are you

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Speaker 1: know someone who each one of the lies that I've

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Speaker 1: chosen today applies to. So with that, they basically they

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Speaker 1: are all relevant to everybody. Everything I'm about to say

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Speaker 1: is relevant to everybody that's listening in the world and

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Speaker 1: the people that are not listening. I mean, I think,

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Speaker 1: but I'm also being sarcastic. Okay, So I came up

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Speaker 1: with a list of six common lies that we tell ourselves.

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Speaker 1: Now this is not at all encompassing list. We don't

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Speaker 1: have time for that, but I just I made a

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Speaker 1: big lesson and I picked six of my favorite ones

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Speaker 1: that I want, not favorite like I love to tell them,

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Speaker 1: but favorite ones out of that list that I want

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Speaker 1: to talk about. So this is like a starting point,

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Speaker 1: at jumping off point. These I hope will help you

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Speaker 1: dig into the lies that you tell yourselves outside of

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Speaker 1: the ones I'm gonna mention. So let's get into it

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Speaker 1: and start with number one. So I combined this so

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Speaker 1: it is a combination of if I ignore it, it

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Speaker 1: will go away, and I'm okay. These lies remind me

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Speaker 1: of how people tell you to ignore a child's attention

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Speaker 1: seeking behavior and like hop hoping that they will stop,

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Speaker 1: like just ignoring them, they'll stop. They're just seeking attention.

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Speaker 1: And I don't often agree with this strategy because often

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Speaker 1: a child is seeking attention because there's a need that

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Speaker 1: needs to be tended to, and that can be applied

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Speaker 1: to the things in your life that you're ignoring in

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Speaker 1: hopes that they will also go away too. I used

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Speaker 1: to do this with injuries, and honestly, I feel like

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Speaker 1: I still do this with some injuries, Like if I

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Speaker 1: hurt something, if I hurt myself, whether I was just

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Speaker 1: like walking in trip door, I hurt myself running or

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Speaker 1: exercising or something like that, I would just go on

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Speaker 1: business as usual and hopes that whatever it was would

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Speaker 1: just magically heal itself. And this might have worked better

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Speaker 1: when I was like fifteen rather than now I'm in

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Speaker 1: my thirties. I don't have the luxury as much as

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Speaker 1: I used to be able to do that, but things

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Speaker 1: rarely just like went away when I hurt myself. And

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Speaker 1: this also brings me back to one of my favorite

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Speaker 1: parts in the book, Maybe you should talk to someone.

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Speaker 1: Laurie Gottlieb, the author wrote, but Wendell, who missus Kat

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Speaker 1: was her therapist. Back to the quote, but Wendell told

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Speaker 1: me that by diminishing my problems, I was judging myself

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Speaker 1: and everyone else whose problems I had placed lower down

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Speaker 1: on the hierarchy of pain. You can't get through your

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Speaker 1: pain by diminishing it, he reminded me. You get through

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Speaker 1: your pain by accepting it and figuring out what to

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Speaker 1: do with it. You can't change what you're denying or minimizing.

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Speaker 1: And of course, often what seemed like trivial worries are

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Speaker 1: manifestations of deeper ones. And that's the end of the quote.

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Speaker 1: The thing about like avoidance and ignoring things is, I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of times it seems like a really

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Speaker 1: simple way of coping by choosing not to cope, right

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Speaker 1: Like I'm coping by not having to cope with this.

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Speaker 1: I'm dealing with this by not dealing with it. But

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Speaker 1: it often perpetuates the thing you're avoiding, like your avoidance

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Speaker 1: perpetuates whatever it is that you're avoiding. Pretending that you

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Speaker 1: aren't in some kind of pain doesn't make the pain

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Speaker 1: go away. It just turns that pain into suffering. Pretending

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Speaker 1: I didn't sprain my ankle doesn't feel my ankle. What

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Speaker 1: it does is it creates a longer road for recovery

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Speaker 1: when I decide to take care of myself, and when

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Speaker 1: it comes down to it, I think that oftentimes we

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Speaker 1: might need to tell this lie until we are ready

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Speaker 1: to deal with things, until we have the space and

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Speaker 1: the energy and the whatever it is that we need

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Speaker 1: in order to actually face whatever this is that we're

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Speaker 1: ignoring or we're avoiding and telling ourselves that we're okay about.

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Speaker 1: But eventually we're going to have to come back to it.

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Speaker 1: And that's really the moral of the story is. We

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Speaker 1: can use this lie as much as we want, and

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Speaker 1: we're going to have to continue to use the lie

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Speaker 1: forever and ever and ever and never and ever and

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Speaker 1: ever until we stop using the lie, because we're gonna

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Speaker 1: have to eventually come back to it. Yeah, okay, so

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Speaker 1: let's move to lie number two. I have a feeling

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Speaker 1: a lot of you guys are going to be like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: that is me. The lie is I have to be perfect.

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Speaker 1: This can show up in a multitude of ways. I

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Speaker 1: have to be perfect to be loved, to be accepted,

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Speaker 1: to be seen, to matter, to make a difference, etc.

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Speaker 1: That That list can also go on and on and on,

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Speaker 1: and one of the most interesting parts of this lie

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Speaker 1: is that there's no way to objectively measure perfection of

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Speaker 1: a human being. It's just like not a thing. We

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Speaker 1: can't do that. So when we say this, really it

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Speaker 1: means something else, because perfection and a human being is

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Speaker 1: not a thing. So when we say this, we're actually

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Speaker 1: meaning something else that we're not saying. I have to

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Speaker 1: measure up to someone else's expectations. I can't make mistakes.

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Speaker 1: I have to have all the answers that others deem

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Speaker 1: acceptable and right. I have to be perfect in somebody

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Speaker 1: else's eyes means something other than just I have to

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Speaker 1: be perfect. This can do a couple of things for us.

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Speaker 1: It pushes us to strive for more often. It can

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Speaker 1: motivate us to work hard. It can also do the opposite.

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Speaker 1: If one operates out of the idea that they never

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Speaker 1: will measure up, then what's the point? Right? Why try?

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Speaker 1: If I know it's going to end up in a loss.

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Speaker 1: Operate under the lie I have to be perfect can

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Speaker 1: also send us into the lie that we can control

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Speaker 1: our outcomes completely. It helps us develop this false sense

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Speaker 1: of control that can easily bring us into self loathing

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Speaker 1: when things don't turn out as we plan, well, I

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Speaker 1: can't be perfect, so now I'm worthless. People try really

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Speaker 1: really hard not to acknowledge that you can do everything

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Speaker 1: in quotes right and things will still not go as planned.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you didn't do things right. And

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Speaker 1: when we refuse to acknowledge this, we refuse to acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that even when things don't go the way that we planned,

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Speaker 1: we can still end up with good results. Because once

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Speaker 1: we accept reality, a lot more options open up. And

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Speaker 1: if we can't accept the idea that we can do

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Speaker 1: things correctly in it not go the way it planned

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean that we're just these big mess ups.

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Speaker 1: We can accept that we are open up a lot

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Speaker 1: more options. And I was talking to Stacey, who is

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Speaker 1: a therapist that works at my practice, and we talked

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Speaker 1: about something really similar to this. She said to me,

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Speaker 1: there are things that I can't control. I can't control

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Speaker 1: what the traffic is going to be, like, I can't

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Speaker 1: control if I'm going to get a flat tire on

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Speaker 1: the way to work, things like that. So when I

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Speaker 1: wake up with this idea that I have to get

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Speaker 1: my Starbucks on the way to work or my day

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Speaker 1: is going to be ruined, I set myself up for failure.

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Speaker 1: Maybe Starbucks is closed or they're out of what I need,

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Speaker 1: or I end up not having the time because of

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Speaker 1: that flat tire, or because of the traffic, or because

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Speaker 1: of the weather, whatever. I can be pissed and decide

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Speaker 1: that my day will be horrible, or I can accept

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Speaker 1: that it didn't work out how I planned and then

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Speaker 1: see all the other ways that I can get caffeine today.

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Speaker 1: I can text the client and say, hey, I'm five

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Speaker 1: minutes lay. I'm gonna run down the street to the

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Speaker 1: coffee shop by our office. I can look in the

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Speaker 1: fridge and see that there's a box of Celsius in

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Speaker 1: there and say, oh, here, I can have this instead

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Speaker 1: of coffee. I can text you and ask if you

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Speaker 1: have time to make a stop in your way to

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Speaker 1: the office. But I can't do any of those if

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Speaker 1: I've already decided there's only one way to be satisfied,

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Speaker 1: and that is to get my Starbucks on the way

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Speaker 1: to work, or everything is going to go to shit.

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Speaker 1: And I really liked that kind of I mean, I

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Speaker 1: don't know that it's a metaphor because it's a true story,

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Speaker 1: but I really liked that in context of what we're

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Speaker 1: talking about here of like I have to be perfect,

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Speaker 1: but also we can put this line things have to

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Speaker 1: go perfectly for them to go well, or things have

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Speaker 1: to go perfectly for them to go right, or things

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Speaker 1: have to go perfectly for things to work out, and

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Speaker 1: it's just not true. Again, we do this, and we

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Speaker 1: tell this lie for many different reasons. And what I

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Speaker 1: see over and over is it holds us back because

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Speaker 1: even if it is this perfection a motivator to work harder,

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Speaker 1: then it sets us up to like never be satisfied,

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Speaker 1: because again this is an elusive thing. Now number three,

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Speaker 1: I combine two lies with this one as well because

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Speaker 1: I just felt like they fit. So number three is

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Speaker 1: that's just who I am, combined with people never change.

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Speaker 1: Now Here is the thing. Sometimes this is not a lie.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes people don't change, and often people don't change. And

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Speaker 1: I do not believe in holding on hope for relationships

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Speaker 1: and that you can change people or people will change,

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Speaker 1: because often that's what keeps us in a cycle of

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Speaker 1: unhealthy relationships. However, at the same time, often people don't

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Speaker 1: change because of the lie that we tell ourselves. That's

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Speaker 1: just who I am, which means you'll always be that

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Speaker 1: way and there's nothing you can do about it. And sure,

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Speaker 1: we're all born with certain temperaments that play a huge

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Speaker 1: role in the development of our personalities. And also we

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Speaker 1: have the ability to make choices and respond and learn

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Speaker 1: and experiment and try. We have the ability to do

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Speaker 1: things differently if we choose. And when people say that's

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Speaker 1: just who I am, I often wonder how do you

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Speaker 1: know that? Because a lot of times as we grow up,

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Speaker 1: we end up morphing ourselves into the versions that we

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Speaker 1: expect to be or the visions that we think will

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Speaker 1: lead us closer to getting it is that we're what

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Speaker 1: we're looking for. Speaking of the lie we just talked

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Speaker 1: about that, So a huge part in really knowing yourself

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Speaker 1: is figuring out how to really unknow the limiting stories

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Speaker 1: you've told yourself about who you are and who you

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Speaker 1: should be. So maybe that's not just who you are.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's who you thought you had to be or

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Speaker 1: who you were taught to be. We are always, always,

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Speaker 1: always allowed to change our minds with new information. We

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Speaker 1: get to make new choices again and again and again

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Speaker 1: and again. There's not like an end point for that.

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Speaker 1: And since we are always getting new information, you have

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Speaker 1: the opportunity to evolve continuously. It's one of my favorite

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Speaker 1: parts of life. Honestly. I get to change when I want.

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Speaker 1: When I see that it makes sense to not be

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Speaker 1: the same that I once was, I get to make

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Speaker 1: that choice. Now. It can be really hard. And what

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Speaker 1: can be really hard about this is we can't have

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Speaker 1: change without loss. Which is why so often people say

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Speaker 1: they want to change, but then they don't and they

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Speaker 1: keep doing the same. Thing is because when you make

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Speaker 1: a change, you're automatically going to lose something. And if

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Speaker 1: we're really trying to avoid loss, we're going to stay

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Speaker 1: in this lie of that's just who I am. I

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Speaker 1: can't change. Here's the thing I personally believe, I don't

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Speaker 1: get to use the line that's just who I am

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Speaker 1: to excuse poor behavior or an inability to be adaptable

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Speaker 1: if I allow myself to evolve. If I'm saying that's

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Speaker 1: just who I am. If I'm using that line, that

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Speaker 1: the truth is I don't want to be adaptable, I'm

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Speaker 1: saying I don't want to be held accountable. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to face what it is that I may have

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Speaker 1: done to cause harm to others because I don't want

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Speaker 1: to make those changes and face that loss and then

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Speaker 1: face those feelings. It's that whole idea of when someone

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Speaker 1: says I'm just honest, I tell it like it is,

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00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 1: when they really are making an excuse for being mean

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Speaker 1: or unkind and not choosing to take other people's feelings

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Speaker 1: into consideration. And again, like I said, and like a

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Speaker 1: lot of these lies that we're talking about, sometimes they

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Speaker 1: might be true. Like sometimes it that's just who I am.

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Speaker 1: That might be an innate part of you. However, I'm

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Speaker 1: really just asking you guys to like dig in when

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Speaker 1: I say that, Am I using that as an excuse

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Speaker 1: to avoid something? My using that as an excuse to

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Speaker 1: not feel sorry, or to not have a hard conversation

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Speaker 1: or not to feel that guilt. So then I tell

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Speaker 1: myself I need to have that conversation or is it real?

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00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,040
Speaker 1: Now you might be the only one that's really truthfully

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Speaker 1: allowed and able to make that decision. So we're going

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Speaker 1: to move to number four, I'm too young or I'm

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Speaker 1: too old. This one, I believe is in excuse to

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00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,840
Speaker 1: stay comfortable while we trick ourselves into thinking it's keeping

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Speaker 1: us safe. Now, what it really does a lot of

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00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,320
Speaker 1: times is create deep belongings that never get fulfilled again.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes this is true. Sometimes we're too old or we're

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Speaker 1: too young, but often we aren't. We're just really, really afraid.

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Speaker 1: This keeps us from trying and forces us to stay

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Speaker 1: in the dream phase for way, way too long, sometimes

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Speaker 1: literally forever. This can sound a lot of different ways.

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Speaker 1: I'm too old to go back to school. I'm too

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00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,480
Speaker 1: old to get on a dating app. I'm too old

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Speaker 1: to start a new hobby. I'm too old to leave

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Speaker 1: this relationship and start a new one. All of that,

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Speaker 1: I'm too young to be taken seriously. I'm too young

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Speaker 1: to start planning for whatever it is. I'm too young

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Speaker 1: to ask for what I want. I'm too young to

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Speaker 1: have expectations. These are excuses, And truly things might be

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Speaker 1: harder for you because of where you are in life,

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Speaker 1: in age, all of that, but it doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: they are impossible. And if you don't want to do

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Speaker 1: hard things, I guess that's okay. If you're choosing that,

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Speaker 1: and with that, who you're going to be disappointing the

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00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,920
Speaker 1: most is going to be yourself. We can't redo life,

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Speaker 1: and I know we know that this is not like

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Speaker 1: a light bulb moment for you guys as I say that,

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Speaker 1: But I think sometimes we live life thinking that we're

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Speaker 1: going to get a second shot. We fantasize about what

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00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,280
Speaker 1: could have been if we would have taken a chance

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Speaker 1: back then, and it doesn't change a thing. Like my

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00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,639
Speaker 1: lawyer told me, which some of you guys might know

388
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Speaker 1: that story, but I had the situation and I I

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Speaker 1: did something before I processed and figured out what I

390
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,919
Speaker 1: needed to do, and I was talking to a lawyer

391
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,600
Speaker 1: about it and kind of like kicking myself. Again, this

392
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,320
Speaker 1: isn't like a I wasn't like arrested, but I was

393
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,040
Speaker 1: kicking myself for just a decision that I made. And

394
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,639
Speaker 1: she said to me, which was really helpful in the moment,

395
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,000
Speaker 1: we can't go back and change what happened. We can

396
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,960
Speaker 1: only make a plan on how we want to move forward.

397
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,879
Speaker 1: And I really needed to hear that, because the truth

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00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,600
Speaker 1: is that at some point in our lives, we have

399
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,080
Speaker 1: to let go of the fantasy that we can create

400
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:33,240
Speaker 1: a better past and live into the idea of creating

401
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 1: a better right now. And to do that we have

402
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 1: to be honest about if we really are too old,

403
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,840
Speaker 1: is that really impossible, or are we really just scared

404
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,120
Speaker 1: and we need some help and some support. All right,

405
00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:57,639
Speaker 1: Number five, all right, number five, I don't have any regrets.

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00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,200
Speaker 1: I almost didn't put this one in there, and I'm

407
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,880
Speaker 1: not going to spend too much time on this one

408
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,960
Speaker 1: because I think depending on how you're looking at this,

409
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,000
Speaker 1: it can be true for a lot of people. And

410
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,879
Speaker 1: there are people who say this as a means to

411
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,800
Speaker 1: avoid the parts of their lives that have been hard

412
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,159
Speaker 1: or have hurt people, including themselves. There are a lot

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00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,680
Speaker 1: of things in my life that if I could, I

414
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 1: would go back and do differently. I one hundred percent would.

415
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,320
Speaker 1: Now that isn't possible. I mean, I was just talking

416
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Speaker 1: about how my lawyer said, like, we can't go back,

417
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,200
Speaker 1: so there's no use in dwelling on it. Let's look

418
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:31,280
Speaker 1: at how we can do things differently. Now. However, if

419
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,359
Speaker 1: I was given the option, I would occasionally ask for

420
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Speaker 1: a redo, So it would be a lie to say

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00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 1: I have no regrets if I was given an option

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00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,280
Speaker 1: in that situation I was telling you about with that

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00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 1: I had the lawyer for if I had an option,

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00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:48,679
Speaker 1: I would go back and redo the thing. Again, I couldn't,

425
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,560
Speaker 1: so I had to make a plan for the now,

426
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,840
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie to myself and say I didn't

427
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,240
Speaker 1: regret that I do. So I'm grateful for the lesson.

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00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,639
Speaker 1: I learned something about patience, about like consultation and you know,

429
00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 1: calming myself down in certain situations. I'm grateful for that lesson,

430
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 1: and I totally wish I didn't have to learn that one,

431
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 1: And especially in that way, this sentence is so black

432
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,680
Speaker 1: and white, like I have no regrets. When I say

433
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,000
Speaker 1: I have no regrets, that means none zero. There are

434
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:19,919
Speaker 1: things that I royally have messed up on that have

435
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,679
Speaker 1: given me a huge gift in the cleanup process. This

436
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,200
Speaker 1: is important. So there's that, And then there's also things

437
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:30,800
Speaker 1: that I can't gather enough benefit from to make whatever

438
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,479
Speaker 1: it is I do dwindle on the regret scale, like

439
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,879
Speaker 1: there isn't the benefit did not weigh the ick I feel.

440
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:42,359
Speaker 1: So yeah, some things I might be both regretful and

441
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,439
Speaker 1: grateful for and some things I might just be, like

442
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:48,480
Speaker 1: h regretful. The reason I added this one to the list,

443
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 1: and I know I said I wouldn't talk about this

444
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,639
Speaker 1: one a lot, and I guess I am. But the

445
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,800
Speaker 1: reason I added this one to the list is because

446
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: often I see people using this lie because either pride

447
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:01,760
Speaker 1: is getting in the way or they think they should

448
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,200
Speaker 1: feel this way, when in reality, we can't make ourselves

449
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 1: feel in ways we don't feel. We can't force our feelings.

450
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,240
Speaker 1: If we could do that, man, that would be awesome.

451
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 1: In therapy would be a whole different situation. What I

452
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,360
Speaker 1: want people to know is it's okay to regret a decision.

453
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,159
Speaker 1: Sometimes pure regret is important to just let us know

454
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: we don't want to do that again. The regret helps

455
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,280
Speaker 1: us learn the lesson. If I didn't regret what I did,

456
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,120
Speaker 1: then I would never sit here and process what it

457
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 1: is that I learned and figure out the lesson. I

458
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: would just keep on going with my life. And the

459
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 1: last thing I want to say here, and I think

460
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,439
Speaker 1: i've said this in not so many words, is that

461
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,920
Speaker 1: this lie really and unpeeling the truth from it really

462
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,639
Speaker 1: hammers in on the both and right, having two things

463
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 1: that conflict and don't really make sense sitting together, but

464
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,760
Speaker 1: at the same time they exist together. I regret this,

465
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,600
Speaker 1: and I'm grateful for the lesson or where it brought me.

466
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,960
Speaker 1: It's confusing, but this is what I meant when therapy

467
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 1: opens up space for freedom to really feel authentic rather

468
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 1: than feel what we think is right. And sometimes the

469
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 1: authenticity is confusing because we're just used to doing what

470
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,800
Speaker 1: is right or what we're told, or going with the

471
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 1: status quo or what the group is doing, and well, oh,

472
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,119
Speaker 1: this makes sense to not regret things, So I'm just

473
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:22,960
Speaker 1: gonna not regret things. But like, sometimes things make sense,

474
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: but that's not how we feel. Logic and emotions don't

475
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,160
Speaker 1: always match up, which brings us to the last one

476
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about today, and that is what

477
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:37,359
Speaker 1: I do doesn't matter. It is impossible for this to

478
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,440
Speaker 1: be true because all of our lives are built off

479
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: of the very small decisions we make every day. This

480
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,080
Speaker 1: is also an easy lad to latch onto, because as

481
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 1: much as it feels icky, it can also feel soothing,

482
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,640
Speaker 1: like some of the other lives we've talked about. If

483
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: I don't matter, then when I fail, who cares? When

484
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,800
Speaker 1: I embarrass myself? Who cares? When I don't show up

485
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,520
Speaker 1: to the party because I'm too tired to get up

486
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,360
Speaker 1: or too nervous to go alone. No one will care.

487
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 1: So sometimes it feels nice if I don't matter, or

488
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 1: if what I do doesn't matter. I don't really have

489
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:10,719
Speaker 1: to take risks or do things that I don't want to,

490
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,359
Speaker 1: or I don't have to care about risks because nobody cares.

491
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 1: This lie can keep us from trying, and it can

492
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,359
Speaker 1: keep us from dreaming, and it also can just keep

493
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,200
Speaker 1: us from operating outside of the current norms. It also

494
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,240
Speaker 1: can keep us from a lot of safety that when

495
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 1: we do think we matter, we take ourselves more seriously,

496
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,040
Speaker 1: and we take the risks that we do choose to

497
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 1: take more seriously. And many of you guys will recognize

498
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 1: this quote I'm about to share because it's one of

499
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,119
Speaker 1: my favorites and I feel like I talk about it

500
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,040
Speaker 1: a lot, but it's one by Margaret Mead, and she said,

501
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:44,720
Speaker 1: never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens

502
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: can change the world. Indeed, they're the only ones that

503
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 1: ever have. And I think that's so important because the

504
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 1: truth is, most big transformations come from the beginnings of tiny,

505
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 1: little baby steps. A couple people start a movement, It

506
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,679
Speaker 1: takes one person to have a idea that then that

507
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: shares that idea with other people, and then that spreads again.

508
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,959
Speaker 1: Most of our big transformations come from a lot of

509
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 1: baby steps. We take along the way, and this speaks

510
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: to transformations within ourselves, to transformations within the greater good,

511
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 1: policy changes, relationship development, all of the things. And because

512
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 1: something doesn't feel like it matters now doesn't mean that

513
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:26,639
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter and won't continue to matter. Just because

514
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,040
Speaker 1: you're a hummingbird and not a jackhammer, it doesn't mean

515
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,040
Speaker 1: that you don't have a special or important role in

516
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 1: the world. And if you didn't catch that reference, I'm

517
00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:41,399
Speaker 1: referring to a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that I actually

518
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 1: talked about a long time ago on the podcast, in

519
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,160
Speaker 1: the episode about passion and curiosity. And in her talk,

520
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: she said, and I'm basically quoting her here, that the

521
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 1: world is divided into two types of people. There are

522
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,800
Speaker 1: the hummingbirds and there are the jackhammers. And Elizabeth said

523
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,440
Speaker 1: that she identifies in the jackcammer category, which is defined

524
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,240
Speaker 1: by her as someone who becomes consumed by their passion.

525
00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: And she said, we don't look up, and we don't veer,

526
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 1: and we're just focused on that until the end of time.

527
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,160
Speaker 1: It's efficient, you get a lot done, but we tend

528
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,119
Speaker 1: to be obsessive and fundamentalists and sometimes a little difficult

529
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,000
Speaker 1: and loud and then she said, there's the hummingbird, the

530
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,360
Speaker 1: colorful bird that floats around. Hummingbirds spend their lives doing

531
00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:25,400
Speaker 1: it very differently. They move from tree to tree, from

532
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:29,360
Speaker 1: flower to flower, to field to field, trying this and

533
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,480
Speaker 1: trying that. She then explained while hummingbirds might feel anxious

534
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,480
Speaker 1: about not immediately finding their passion, that they really don't

535
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,880
Speaker 1: need to feel pressure to change. They create incredibly rich,

536
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: complex lives for themselves, and they also end up cross pollinating.

537
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,439
Speaker 1: This is the service you do if you're a hummingbird person,

538
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: she said. You bring an idea from here to over

539
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: here where you learn something else, and you weave it in,

540
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 1: and then you take it here to the next thing

541
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,040
Speaker 1: you do. Your perspective ends up keeping the entire culture

542
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,639
Speaker 1: rated and mixed up and open and new. And I

543
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:08,359
Speaker 1: just feel like that's really important to come back to continuously.

544
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,480
Speaker 1: Just because something doesn't feel big and like you're being

545
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,120
Speaker 1: paid attention to right now all the time, and there's

546
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,199
Speaker 1: a big splash around what it is that it's happening

547
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 1: in your life, it doesn't mean that things aren't happening

548
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 1: in your life. The truth is also that sometimes what

549
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: you do won't matter to certain people, but it can

550
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 1: always matter to you as long as you matter to you.

551
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,600
Speaker 1: And I think that's a huge deal and a big

552
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,239
Speaker 1: step in uncovering this lie. Is it that, like what

553
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 1: I do doesn't matter to anybody else? Or do I

554
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,920
Speaker 1: not think what I do matters? Because what I think

555
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 1: can have a huge awakening on how I live my

556
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 1: life and what I really choose to go out and

557
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,320
Speaker 1: do and how people receive me. So that wraps up

558
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: my list for now. I mean, like I said, this

559
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: list could go on and on and on forty five

560
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,320
Speaker 1: pages long, but I don't think I could hold y'all's

561
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 1: attention that way. And I also don't know that I

562
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,440
Speaker 1: could hold my attention that long to record this in

563
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 1: one sitting. However, I do think it would be really

564
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: cool if we could make a collective list together, Like

565
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: if we got really introspective and honest and real with ourselves,

566
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,240
Speaker 1: what would be on our individual lists? And I can

567
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 1: already think of some more that applies specifically to me.

568
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 1: The first one. As I'm saying this, I don't know

569
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:21,560
Speaker 1: if I should share this or not, but I'm going to.

570
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,000
Speaker 1: Is that popped in my head is I'm I'm not mad?

571
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 1: Now trust me, I can get mad and I can

572
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 1: definitely acknowledge that at times, and I am often very

573
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,760
Speaker 1: mad when I say that I'm not mad because I

574
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: don't want to be mad. I want some other emotion

575
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: to be like the main emotion. That's like flooding me.

576
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to care in the way that I

577
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: do care. I want to care in like a better way,

578
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: if that makes any sense. So, yeah, that's a lie

579
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,320
Speaker 1: that I tell myself, and sometimes I try to convince

580
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: myself of that and doesn't again does not usually in

581
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 1: the long run work that well, there's someone repercussion there

582
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 1: because it is what it is. I feel what I feel.

583
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 1: I can't control my feelings. I can't respond to them.

584
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 1: I cannot control and what I want to kind of

585
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 1: share as I'm wrapping up. The lies we tell ourselves

586
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,920
Speaker 1: often lie in the space of our like super ego.

587
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 1: I talked about this in the Defense Mechanism episode. But

588
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 1: the super ego comes to be from like social interactions

589
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:20,000
Speaker 1: with parents and the people in whatever social environment you're

590
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: raised in. It's essentially like your conscience, but it's based

591
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 1: off of what you're taught is appropriate, and then that

592
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 1: ends up acting like your moral compass. It's like mo

593
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,000
Speaker 1: is to get the ego, which is the self that

594
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: people see, like who other people see you, how you

595
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,560
Speaker 1: present yourself to the world. So the mo of a

596
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,240
Speaker 1: super ego is to get that the person you present

597
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,960
Speaker 1: to the world to act in this like very idealistic way.

598
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,120
Speaker 1: And this part is like the summation of all your

599
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 1: internalized values and morals that you get from things before

600
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 1: you really have the ability to self reflect and really

601
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: be introspective and see multiple different ways of living and

602
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,080
Speaker 1: viewing the world. And I think these lies we tell

603
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 1: ourselves are lies that we're using to protect the thing

604
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 1: that we want others to see and how we want

605
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 1: to see ourselves as well. Like I was just saying

606
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 1: with the I'm not mad, I want to see myself

607
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: as somebody who feels these things when this stuff happens

608
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:22,960
Speaker 1: versus no, I just was pissed off, and I want

609
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:25,080
Speaker 1: other people to see me that way as well. We

610
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:29,440
Speaker 1: tell these lies and also these can be narratives as well.

611
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 1: You can use that word too, these false narratives to

612
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:36,640
Speaker 1: maintain what it is we desire to be and look

613
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 1: like and feel and do versus what we are and

614
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 1: true reconciliation is in the space between what we desire

615
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 1: to be in what we are like there has to

616
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 1: be a reconciliation between those two things for us to

617
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 1: kind of like move out of these lies and really

618
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:55,160
Speaker 1: accept the truth of what's going on. So now I

619
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 1: do I want to ask y'all, after listening to this,

620
00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,560
Speaker 1: what are the lies that you tell often? Or are

621
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: they the so the ones from this list or they

622
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 1: want more that you want to explore And if you

623
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:07,120
Speaker 1: can think of them and feel comfortable sharing them, go ahead.

624
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 1: You can email me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast

625
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,560
Speaker 1: dot com and maybe we'll do a part two with

626
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: some more collective lives from our community, because we're in

627
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,479
Speaker 1: this together and we all do this. This isn't something

628
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: that like bad people do or like people that haven't

629
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,080
Speaker 1: done enough work do. Like I go to therapy. I've

630
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: gone to therapy for years. I'm a therapist, and I

631
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: can still catch myself telling lies to myself. So if

632
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 1: you want to share, share, I would love that.

633
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:37,880
Speaker 2: If you have any questions, feedback, comments, feel free to

634
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,640
Speaker 2: send those to me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast

635
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 2: dot com. You can follow me kat van Buren on

636
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 2: Instagram and at You Need Therapy podcast until I talk

637
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,640
Speaker 2: to you guys again on Wednesday for couch Talks. I

638
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 2: hope you have the day you need to have.

639
00:32:51,600 --> 00:33:00,040
Speaker 1: Bye,