WEBVTT - Befriending Your Inner Critic! (Outweigh) 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:04.840 I won't let my body outly outway everything that I'm 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:08.799 made do, won't spend my life trying to change. I'm 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:12.880 learning to love who I am again. I'm strong, I 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:16.480 feel free and know who every part of me it 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:24.000 is beautiful and then will always out way if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.159 feel it with joy in the here, she'll love to 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:31.200 the boom there. Let's say good day and did you 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:38.040 and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam amy here and 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:41.400 my guest today is Aubrey Henderson, who is a self 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:46.120 love coach and author and pleasure activist. So, Aubrey, welcome 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:49.480 to Outweigh. Thank you for having me. We're gonna talk 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:54.600 today about befriending your inner critic, and this is something 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.760 that well, I feel like we all could benefit from, 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:01.920 whether you're exploring whether or not you have needing disorder 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:05.160 or disordered patterns with food or body image issues Like 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.959 I can think of ways, certainly when I was in 0:01:08.000 --> 0:01:10.600 the throes of my eating disorder that my inner critic 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:13.039 was very, very very loud. But it shows up in 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:15.759 other ways too, even when I'm at work, like oh 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:18.039 so stupid, why did I just do that? Or why 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:21.040 can't you know? So it doesn't. It's not just specific 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.640 to outweigh. So I really feel like whatever you do 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:26.600 share today, people may be able to take these tools 0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:30.000 and just plug them into different areas of their life 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:33.440 where they need to be more compassionate and kind. Yeah. Absolutely, 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:36.399 I feel like this is something that people experience their 0:01:36.440 --> 0:01:39.479 inner critic in so many different environments. Like you said, 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:43.520 it comes out anywhere, really that we feel vulnerable or 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:46.080 insecure in any way, that inner critic is going to 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:48.880 jump in there. So do you ever work with people 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:52.280 that don't even really recognize that the inner critic is 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.000 actually a problem Because I could see where so much 0:01:55.040 --> 0:01:57.920 of my life it was always there for me, so 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:00.720 it's like my little companion. So I actually didn't see 0:02:00.720 --> 0:02:03.560 it as a problem. Absolutely, And it's funny. This is 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:07.160 this kind of ties into how I found myself working 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:10.960 as a self love coach and focusing in this area specifically. 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:14.000 Is because when I started as a coach, I actually 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:17.960 was working with people around like organization and goal setting 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:20.720 in their lives, like very much not focused in on 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:22.919 the like inner world of emotion at all. It was 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.760 just very much like, let me help you to organize 0:02:25.800 --> 0:02:27.720 your life in ways that feel good and take steps 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:31.400 towards your goals and accountability, And through that, I was 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:34.320 seeing that the common theme really with everybody was there 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:37.560 is this inner voice underneath that when we're trying to 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:40.799 pursue something that's important to us, when we are feeling 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:43.280 kind of vulnerable and putting ourselves out there in any way, 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:46.400 which comes up when we're pursuing goals, It comes up 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:48.639 when we're trying to get organized and trying to move 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:51.160 forward on things that people were like, why am I 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:53.600 struggling so much? Why is this so hard? And often 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:56.120 it is that inner critic voice that's creeping in there, 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:58.919 that is where that negative self talk is coming from. 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:01.360 And I think for so many people, we've lived with 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.320 it for so long, and I would include myself and 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:07.600 that somebody who considers myself a recovering perfectionist. Just in 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:10.440 so many ways, that inner critic was just always there, 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:13.600 and so to notice it and sort of pay attention 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.600 to it and draw it out can really be mind 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:19.040 blowing for people, because we get so used to it 0:03:19.080 --> 0:03:22.320 being there that the idea that it could be another 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:25.280 way is just kind of foreign to us. Unpacking stuff 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:27.040 like this is longer than what we have here in 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:29.440 the episode today, but we'll kind of get the cliffs 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:32.920 notes version of what you like to encourage people to 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:38.279 do to start recognizing that voice and then flipping the script. Absolutely, 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:40.800 and I think really a lot of it is exactly 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:44.000 what you just said. It's recognizing first that that inner 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:46.920 critic is there. And so if you're somebody who struggles 0:03:46.960 --> 0:03:49.520 with a low sense of self esteem or low self 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:53.040 worth in any way, or struggles with loving yourself, and 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:54.400 that's where a lot of people come to me and 0:03:54.400 --> 0:03:56.720 they're just like, I have issues with my self esteem. 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.760 I don't feel great about myself. It's first really tuning 0:03:59.800 --> 0:04:02.560 in to what are those thoughts that you're having about yourself? Right? 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:04.560 What is that? And some people it's like, I know 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:07.240 what my inner critics sounds like, I know what she's 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:09.640 saying to me. Here are the thoughts that I'm having. 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:12.280 And for some people, they really have to pause and 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:15.800 sit and be still and listen and tune into what 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:18.320 that inner critic is saying, what the thoughts are. And 0:04:18.360 --> 0:04:21.960 I actually encourage people when they're first getting acclimated to 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:24.920 this to write those thoughts down. They're not usually nice 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:27.480 thoughts that we're writing down, But there's something powerful in 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:31.600 channeling it onto paper and looking at the words that 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:33.880 you are saying to yourself. It's like having a tape 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:36.680 playing in the background, and until we pause and really 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:38.560 listen to and look at what it's saying, it's just 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:42.160 we're kind of accepting that it's there, but instead translating 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:44.080 that onto paper and writing out, well, what are these 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:46.760 thoughts that I'm having? What is this inner critics saying 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:49.360 and actually writing it out and looking at it can 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:51.479 just be a powerful exercise to kind of get you 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:54.119 started at realizing, oh wow, this is what I'm saying 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:56.360 to myself on a continuous basis. It can kind of 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.320 be a little bit shocking to see. But from there 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:04.120 that is where we can actually script something different. And so, 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:06.560 for example, if you're inner critic is saying like, I'm 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:09.960 such a failure, right, for example, I'm I'm a failure, 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:11.479 then then that can come up when you make a 0:05:11.480 --> 0:05:13.960 mistake at work. That can come up if you're a 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:16.360 person who's in recovery and has a relapse or has 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:18.320 an experience that you're not feeling good about, and there 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:20.960 can be that inner voice of I'm a failure. Then 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:23.279 if we know that's the thought we're having. We say, okay, 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.800 there's that inner critic again. How can we reframe this? 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:29.599 It's literally rewriting that thought, so coming up with what 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:31.760 is the alternative to that thought. I could look at 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:33.680 this as Okay, I'm a failure. Or I could say, 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:35.520 you know what, I'm trying and I'm going to make 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:39.000 mistakes and that's normal. Or I have compassion for myself 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:41.640 when I make mistakes. Right, there is that shift so 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:44.400 that every time you're having that thought and you recognize it, 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:46.920 you have something to grab onto to replace it with, 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:48.800 to say, oh, nope, I'm having the thought that I'm 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:52.360 a failure, but actually I know that I can have 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:55.040 compassion for myself when I make mistakes. So it's actually 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:58.760 about literally rescripting that and replacing that thought as you're 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:02.480 having it. My friend Ali Fallon actually wrote a book 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:06.200 called The Power of Writing It Down, and she she believes, 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:08.680 you know, everybody has a story, and there's so much 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.960 power in putting a pin to paper, and so I 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:15.320 love that activity so much because yes, you're taking it 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:18.080 from your brain to the paper and then your eyeballs 0:06:18.080 --> 0:06:21.440 are forced to look at it, and then you have 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:25.160 the next step in this. You know, I'm calling it activity, 0:06:25.200 --> 0:06:27.440 But this tool or this um what you can do 0:06:27.520 --> 0:06:30.520 to help get yourself out of this of rewriting it. 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.680 I feel like though sometimes people might get, you know, 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:36.159 stuck on well, I don't know really what to write. 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:38.760 I know you give one example there for that, But 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.359 what do you do if you don't When you've been 0:06:41.400 --> 0:06:43.200 stuck with the script for so long in your head 0:06:43.200 --> 0:06:45.919 and that's what's looped, it might be really, really really 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:49.360 hard to come up with your new script. Yes, absolutely, 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:52.080 that's a great question. And I think we can look 0:06:52.080 --> 0:06:54.840 at two different ways. Right. One of these is for me, 0:06:54.920 --> 0:06:57.000 if if you're ever having trouble coming up with a 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.800 self compassionate thought, look to the people close to you 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:01.800 who are encouraging to you. And most of us have 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:05.240 at least someone in our lives who has offered us encouragement, 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:06.839 who has said kind words to us. And if we 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.800 can't generate the words, think about, well, what would this 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:12.360 person who loves me say to this thought or what 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.920 would they offer to me? Right, And you can pull 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.480 kind of language from there if you're struggling to kind 0:07:17.520 --> 0:07:20.120 of come up with that yourself. But what this makes 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:22.560 me think of is another piece of how we think 0:07:22.560 --> 0:07:25.040 about our inner critic, which is that I think so 0:07:25.080 --> 0:07:27.080 many of us think about this inner critic voice and 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:28.800 we're like, I just want to turn the volume off 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:30.280 on this. I just want to mute it. I want 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:32.320 to get rid of it. I don't want to have 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:35.440 this part of me because it's bad, it feels bad. 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:38.880 And when I work with clients, I actually really like 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:42.280 to help them to build compassion for what that inner 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:44.920 critic part is trying to do. And so the way 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.280 I do that is really looking at, Okay, what is 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:49.320 the thought, what is the fear that's coming up? So 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:51.840 the idea of, you know, if we're using the example 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:55.600 of I'm such a failure, thinking about what that part 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:58.040 of you that is saying, you know, you're a failure, 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:01.040 there's something wrong with you. What is part trying to 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:03.840 do right? And it's doing it in a backwards way, 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:06.320 but it's trying to protect you from something. It's trying 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:09.600 to stop you from putting yourself out there again. It's 0:08:09.640 --> 0:08:12.600 trying to stop you from taking a risk. It's trying 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:16.440 to avoid any scenario where you could be disappointed or 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.400 sad or hurt or upset. Right, So this is a 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:22.000 part of yourself that, again in a way that is 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:24.800 now harmful and no longer adaptive, is trying to protect you. 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:28.440 And often this is something that in our lives before 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:31.520 has protected us, right, we have for many of us, 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:34.160 I consider myself to be somebody who was an overachiever 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:36.400 growing up in a lot of different ways, and so 0:08:36.480 --> 0:08:38.960 for me, being successful was the way that I got 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.640 love and the way that I got affection and attention, 0:08:42.040 --> 0:08:43.840 and so it was very adaptive for me to have 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.040 that inner critic that's like, you're not good enough, it's 0:08:46.080 --> 0:08:49.720 never good enough, keeping better, keep doing this, keep doing that, 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:52.480 because it's that part of us that wants us to 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:56.160 access love and attention and affection and safety. And then 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:59.320 in adulthood we find ourselves saying this feels crappy, like 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:02.480 this feels off full, and it's no longer helping me. 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:04.679 So we have to shift how we look at that 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:07.400 narrative and how we relate to that part of ourselves. 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:10.000 And so we can look at that part and say, listen, 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:13.240 thank you, I see that you tried to help me here. 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:16.440 You're trying to warn me about a risk that I'm 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.200 going to take. You're worried about what if we make 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:23.440 ourselves vulnerable and we're rejected. I see that, and also 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:25.840 like that commentary isn't helpful. I think of an inner 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:28.680 critic like a kid, right, I'm a parent. My kids 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:32.120 often say things that are not helpful. Right. They offer opinions, 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:34.679 they offer thoughts, they say I don't want to do 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:38.120 this thing. They say this sucks and I'm mad at you, right, 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:40.839 And I can hear them, and I'm not going to 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:42.920 say I'm banishing you away. I'm not going to say 0:09:42.960 --> 0:09:44.640 get out of here. I'm not gonna say I want 0:09:44.640 --> 0:09:46.760 to get rid of you. I'm gonna say, Okay, thank you, 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:49.760 thank you for offering that. But I'm driving the bus now, 0:09:49.800 --> 0:09:52.760 I'm the grown up, and so we're gonna go my way, 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:55.040 and so I hear what you're saying and we're just 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:56.960 going to leave that there. Right. It's having a more 0:09:57.640 --> 0:10:01.160 neutral to almost even compassionate or orientation toward that inner 0:10:01.160 --> 0:10:04.920 critic voice and saying, Okay, see where this is coming from. 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:07.800 I can see sort of the threads of how this 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:09.920 has developed over the course of my life. But now 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:12.880 I'm going to choose something different. I love painting that 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:16.520 picture of you know, you taking over the driver's seats, 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:20.000 but still welcoming all the thoughts and the things to 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:22.840 sit in the car with you. I guess if you will, 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:26.959 but they're just not going to drive. It's actually fascinating 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:29.319 sometimes how our brain tries to just protect us in 0:10:29.360 --> 0:10:32.040 all kinds of ways, which I feel like when I 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:34.680 was deep into my eating disorder, or if you have 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:37.800 another type of addiction, or I've you know, walked through 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:42.079 alcoholism with loved ones. It's wild because it's so destructive, 0:10:42.440 --> 0:10:46.360 yet it's also brilliant because it's what's you're doing to 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:51.120 survive and trying to protect you from something, whether it's 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:54.480 feelings like it's numbing out that was the your brains 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:58.440 or your body's solution to a problem. But then at 0:10:58.440 --> 0:11:01.040 some point you realize, Okay, this is no longer serving 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:04.160 me and I need to to switch this up. And 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:06.640 so that's what we have the opportunity to do with 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:14.960 the inner critic. I feel like the inner critic do 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:17.600 we learn it from somewhere or is it how does 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:19.679 it just come up? Because I feel like other behaviors 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:22.920 we see play out, we maybe watch others, but this 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:24.960 is stuff inside of our head. And a lot of 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:27.560 us started hearing these voices or this voice or this 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:30.600 inner critic when we were quite young. So I guess 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:33.120 it's just our in our brains, is like some of 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:35.760 us are wired as a way to just protect us. Yeah, 0:11:35.840 --> 0:11:37.680 And it's it's one of those things that's a little 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.120 bit different for everybody. It's a combination of things. So 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.959 when we when you talk to like an individual person 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.280 about their inner critic, you might, you know, all often 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:48.040 ask clients like, what does the voice sound like that 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:50.400 you're hearing? Right? For some people it's like, oh, it's 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:52.880 my voice. For some people it's oh, it's my mom's voice, 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:56.160 it's my dad's voice. Right, So for all of us 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.440 it develops a little bit differently. But it's the part 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:00.360 of us that says, hey that this is what you 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:02.440 need to do to earn love, This is what you 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:04.560 need to do to earn And that's really I mean, 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:06.680 I think that's what it all boils down to. All 0:12:06.720 --> 0:12:09.200 of it really is how we how we grew up 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:13.320 and learned to earn love and to feel worthy of love. 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:16.640 And so when that inner critic voice is coming up, 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:20.600 sometimes it's just ideas that we've internalized about ourselves, whether 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:24.120 it's from caregivers, whether it's you know, looking around and 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:27.400 you know, developing ideas about body image that come from media, 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:29.679 that come from our family culture, that come from all 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:34.080 kinds of things. It's influenced by just the kind of 0:12:34.240 --> 0:12:37.120 cultural marinade that we sort of exist in, right, And 0:12:37.160 --> 0:12:39.400 so for everybody, you know, it's a little different. It 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.360 might be more of an influence of your parents or 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:45.520 your caregivers if they were particularly critical or pushed you 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.720 really hard, or had phrases that you know, they said 0:12:48.760 --> 0:12:51.880 often that really burrowed in for you. For some people 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:55.720 it's peers. For some people it's more things they see 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:58.040 in media. It just it. But it all kind of 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:02.439 plays a role into basically this part of you that develops, 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:05.800 like I said, as a as an adaptive coping mechanism. 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.440 It's this part of you that's saying, like, hey, to 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:12.000 be safe, we need to remember this. And the way 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:14.040 that we get to that quickly is not to you know, 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:16.720 have that whole sentence of for you to feel safe 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:18.760 and loved, this is what you should try to do. 0:13:18.880 --> 0:13:22.320 It's like you're a failure. Don't be a failure. Or 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:24.880 you know your body is wrong, don't have your body 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:28.520 be this way whatever that looks like, right, And so yeah, 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.520 I think it comes from a lot of different factors, 0:13:31.840 --> 0:13:34.400 but often it stems from childhood, right. It a lot 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.480 of times when I work with clients, we can trace 0:13:36.559 --> 0:13:39.440 it back to a pretty specific time in childhood where 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.560 it's like, okay, here is where I learned that I 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:45.720 got attention from my parents if I was getting aiss 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:50.040 in school, and so achieving academically became the thing that 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:52.720 I worked toward. And if I wasn't doing that, that 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:55.280 inner critic voice comes up to kind of push me 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:57.640 to be doing that right. And that can be true 0:13:57.640 --> 0:14:00.760 for a million different things. My sister has been working 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:02.840 through and she's spoken publicly about it, so it's not 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:06.000 like I'm talking about her. But you mentioned perfectionism earlier, 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:09.120 and she has been able to stem that back to 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:13.680 when she was thirteen and our dad left and she thought, well, 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:17.120 as long as I seem as though everything is perfect 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:19.280 and I have everything tidy and in its place and 0:14:19.360 --> 0:14:22.480 I'm put together, he'll want to come back. And she's 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.600 seen how that now in her you know, mid forties, 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:28.960 has played out. Her entire life and shown up in 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:32.600 different ways, and now she's ready to shed that and 0:14:32.680 --> 0:14:38.320 no longer wants to try to be appear perfect all 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:41.640 the time because it's exhausting. So it really can show 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:43.760 up in all kinds of ways. And you know, I 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:46.760 think about me being a mom and having a twelve 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.400 year old and a fifteen year old, fifteen year old girl, 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:53.160 twelve year old son, and I think that the writing 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:56.040 activity you shared might be something good I could do 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:59.480 with them, and maybe we could even do together. I 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:03.920 and said something the other day about when he looks 0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:08.040 in the mirror, he feels ugly, and he brought it 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.040 up at school with his teacher, and his teacher reached 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:11.480 out to me, and then we were working on it. 0:15:11.520 --> 0:15:14.680 And so I'm thinking about how I wonder what would 0:15:14.680 --> 0:15:17.040 be something good that I could do with him, because 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:18.600 I know we have a lot of parents that are 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:21.640 listening to so you know, it's one thing dealing with 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:24.400 thoughts in our own brain, right, but when you're a 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:27.320 mom or a dad and you've got kids that are 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:31.320 saying negative things about themselves, because there's something that's powerful 0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:34.480 for parents to do with their kids. I love this question, 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:36.760 and I um I have an eleven year old son 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:38.720 and we have I have eleven year old son, eight 0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:41.960 year old daughter, and we you know, talk about a 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:44.120 lot of these things with them as well, and I 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:46.920 think that bringing it into writing for kids can be 0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:50.880 really powerful. I also think for kids drawing out them 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:53.640 talking about it. I think hearing a thought like that 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:56.880 of like your child expressing that they feel ugly, A 0:15:56.880 --> 0:15:59.880 lot of parents are scared by that and are like, no, no, 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:01.960 you're not ugly, and we leave it at that, and 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:03.840 we don't want to talk about it. It feels scary 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:05.960 to draw it out. And I think the best thing 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:08.920 you can do with kids is really create space to say, 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:11.600 I want to talk about this with you, like I'm here. 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:14.040 You can tell me it's okay, to name that, we 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:17.280 can unpack that, we can explore where that comes from. 0:16:17.960 --> 0:16:20.760 But to just be in a space where their feelings 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:24.440 are okay, to be something that's expressed right, that you 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:28.600 are not afraid of their feelings and their emotions and 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:33.280 them expressing that to you and just recognizing that that, yeah, 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:35.680 like kids are going to have moments of insecurity. I 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:37.640 mean that the age that your son is right now 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:40.080 is one where like we start comparing ourselves to pears 0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:42.640 in a big way. There's all kinds of factors at 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:45.200 play there, and so I think having a space where 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:48.200 you can process that and where you're encouraging them to 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:51.040 open up and share that with you and to make 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.240 that a conversation rather than I think often we have 0:16:54.320 --> 0:16:57.040 these thoughts and we say them. And I think for myself, 0:16:57.600 --> 0:16:59.760 you know, as a child, naming thoughts of feeling like 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:01.600 I have to be perfect, and my mom would of 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:03.160 course say like, no, you don't, you don't have to 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.440 be perfect, like it's fine, But that doesn't make the 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:09.240 thought go away. That's not drawing out the experience, that's 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:12.640 not helping me understand where might that be coming from. 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:13.960 And so I think the best thing you can do 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:16.239 as a parent is really just to hold space for it, 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:19.080 to say thank you so much for being willing to 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.520 talk to me about this, or to say, hey, your 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:23.720 teacher shared this with me, and I really want to 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:27.600 understand more, right, I really want to hear more from 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.240 you about this and what you're feeling because it matters 0:17:30.280 --> 0:17:32.680 to me. I love that and the good thing about 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:36.520 us or you encouraging us as parents to do that 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:40.400 now with our children is it's like, oh, my parents 0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:42.280 didn't do that for me, because I don't think they 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:44.800 knew they didn't have that they like you said, they 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:46.919 were just kind of like, oh no, you know I 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:48.879 A narrative for me when I was a kid is 0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:52.760 that I wasn't smart, and that's stuck with me even now. 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:54.920 I still struggle with. Like I said, an example is 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:56.040 that would be at work and be like, oh, you're 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:58.400 so stupid, and I'm feeding into it. I'm like, oh, yeah, 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:01.320 my teacher in high school was right, I'm not smart, 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:03.879 and I think my parents are just like no, no, 0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.200 you're smart. But then there was no real work with it. 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:10.200 And if you're hearing this now and a light bulb 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:12.680 is going off, like yeah, we have the opportunity to 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:15.159 not only work on our own inner critic voice, but 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:18.040 we can start giving our kids the tools so that 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:21.280 they're not I'm forty one now and trying to you know, 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:24.240 actively work on this stuff. Like maybe they'll have the 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:27.320 tools to work on it in these early years to 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:30.760 where they can have a healthy relationship with their their 0:18:30.760 --> 0:18:34.159 inner critic. And I love the way you have said it. 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:39.560 Befriending your inner critic and not pushing it away, but saying, Okay, 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:42.679 I'm acknowledging you're you, you're here, but you're not going 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:44.240 to control me, and you're not going to be in 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:47.440 the driver's seat. Absolutely, And I think it's the like 0:18:47.640 --> 0:18:50.000 you don't you don't scare me kind of part of that, right, 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:52.600 And even maybe initially it does scare you, and that's 0:18:52.640 --> 0:18:55.320 also okay, But getting to the place where you're saying, 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:57.520 I see that you're here, and I'm just going to 0:18:57.600 --> 0:18:59.359 be present with you the same way you would be 0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:01.679 with your child, right, And I think I love that 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:03.960 you use that example of doing this with kids because 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:07.320 I also encourage people to really have that same compassion 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:10.000 for themselves. Right to look at your inner critic the 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:12.199 same way you look at your child's inner critic, with 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:16.240 curiosity and with openness. Right, instead of saying, oh, these 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:17.879 are bad thoughts, I want them to go away. I 0:19:17.920 --> 0:19:19.760 don't like that this is here. Let's shoot it to 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:23.120 the side where it festers and grows too. Instead say okay, 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:24.719 let's bring this into the light. Let's look at what 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:27.600 we're working with here, and that way we can build 0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:30.479