1 00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, 3 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. 4 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:26,640 Speaker 1: Episode nine Blackout. So here's the thing about family cycles. 5 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: They're really hard to break. In my family. We've got 6 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:38,480 Speaker 1: quite a few addiction, violence, incarceration. At just eighteen years old, 7 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: I thought I could break the cycles by myself. I 8 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,879 Speaker 1: thought I could be the hero and save my family. 9 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,960 Speaker 1: I put my own dreams on hold, going to college, 10 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: pursuing an acting career to take care of my sisters. 11 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: I got a job, I got an apartment. I thought 12 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: I had it figured out, but it was a lot 13 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: of pressure. All these unreasons things from my childhood, neglect, 14 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: sexual abuse, resentment towards my mom started bubbling up. I 15 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 1: felt like I was in the pressure cooker. I needed 16 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:15,119 Speaker 1: to let off some steam. So I started parting, partying hard. 17 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,199 Speaker 1: I was drinking, and then I was drinking more and more. 18 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 1: I was blacking out almost every weekend. Then it wasn't 19 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 1: just the weekends. I started using drugs. And when I 20 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 1: used drugs, I realized I wouldn't black out as much. 21 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 1: And then I was drinking more and more, and then 22 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:39,680 Speaker 1: things got really out of control. Sounds familiar, right. I 23 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: had spent years trying to be the opposite of my mom, 24 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: and basically every way I wanted to be clean, calm, 25 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: and in control, just like my militia. But now suddenly 26 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: I had a lot more in common with my mom 27 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: than I cared. To admit, you've heard a lot about 28 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: my mom's struggles. In this episode, we're gonna talk about 29 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: my addiction. I'm Emmy and this is Crumbs. It's a 30 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: show about the things we settled for and the bits 31 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: of ourselves that make us who we are. So Mom, 32 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,359 Speaker 1: I want to start from the beginning. The first time 33 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: I ever used drugs was when I was actually fifteen. 34 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,519 Speaker 2: I didn't know that. 35 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, it was the summer that I spent in Tijuana. 36 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,320 Speaker 1: You were doing the business with Latin and your friend 37 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,000 Speaker 1: from jail, and I was hanging out with her daughter, Jasmine. 38 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 1: I mean we had a lot of fun. We would 39 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: go out. 40 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,519 Speaker 2: Yeah, that was a really nice summer. It was. 41 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,400 Speaker 1: So one day you went back to the US for 42 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: something and I was hanging out with Jasmine. At this point, 43 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: I drank before I had tried marijuana before. But then 44 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: Jasmine her boyfriend are doing something else and I was curious, 45 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: so I asked for some and I think at first 46 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,799 Speaker 1: jazz and I was like, no, you shouldn't do that, 47 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:10,880 Speaker 1: but then her boyfriend was. 48 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 2: Like, yeah, just it's fine. 49 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: It was crystal meth, and I snorted it so it 50 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: burned like how going up my nose. 51 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 2: I didn't like it. 52 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: It was I felt very nervous and sweaty. My heart 53 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 1: was racing. I'm more of a downer than an upper 54 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 1: kind of person. Although I did love cocaine, this was different. Yeah, 55 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: I didn't like it. 56 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 2: I can't believe that I missed all of that. 57 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 1: So let's fast forward a few years. I'm taking care 58 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: of the girls while you're in prison. I'm working a lot. 59 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 1: Mamilicha is not around as much. It was okay at first, 60 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: like I had the job at the phone company. I 61 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: was making good money. I got the girls into a routine. 62 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: But then the stress got to me and I was max, 63 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: I had to put my life on hold to do 64 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: your job. 65 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, to take over that's a lot. 66 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: So I was feeling very resempful and overwhelmed and started 67 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 1: parting on weekends with my coworkers, which was really fun. 68 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,039 Speaker 1: I felt like I needed a distraction. 69 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, just normal eighteen year old stuff. 70 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:33,040 Speaker 1: Right, But then it escalates. I'm drinking, I'm using and 71 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: the girls, even though they lived a cushy lifestyle, Like 72 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: I'm putting them through the same things that you have 73 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,360 Speaker 1: in a different way, but I'm still putting them through 74 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 1: like those situations, the instability, instability of chaos. So, like, 75 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: who's going to watch my girls now? So I can 76 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: go party? Right? Can I relitch? 77 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:54,280 Speaker 2: I watched them? 78 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: Can I not watch them? 79 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:55,359 Speaker 3: Like? 80 00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: It was like that kind of thing. And so here's 81 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: starts this cycle for me of like being very similar 82 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,599 Speaker 1: to what you were doing, you know. 83 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 2: And it's interesting. 84 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,919 Speaker 1: Because now, as part of the service work that I 85 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,360 Speaker 1: do in recovery, I go around two different conferences and 86 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,479 Speaker 1: give talks about my disease to hundreds of people, and 87 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 1: I'm super open about it. But for some reason, I 88 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 1: have a hard time talking about it with you, And 89 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,359 Speaker 1: I'm not really sure why. 90 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's funny because I'm an addict as well. But 91 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 3: then again I get it. I was like that with 92 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 3: my mom as well. I just think maybe I don't know. 93 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,640 Speaker 3: Maybe it could be pride. I spend so much of 94 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,480 Speaker 3: my life trying not to be like you. I wanted 95 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,560 Speaker 3: to be like Mamlitia. So just talking about this with 96 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 3: you reminds me of how similar we are in that way. 97 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 2: I get it, and we don't have to talk about it. 98 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,160 Speaker 1: I do want to talk about it with you. It's 99 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 1: important to talk about these cycles. And also since you 100 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: were gone for most of it, Like the girls, even Mamilicia, 101 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,520 Speaker 1: they all saw me in my addiction, but you never 102 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,279 Speaker 1: really did, which is maybe why it's harder for me. 103 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I saw very little of you and your addiction 104 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,360 Speaker 2: to me. You've always been so well composed. 105 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 3: I've always had like the utmost respect for you, and 106 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,160 Speaker 3: that's never going to go away. 107 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 2: Thank you. So if you want, let's talk about it. 108 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 2: Tell me about your addiction. 109 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 4: Okay. 110 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: So, Emmy drinking is not a nice person. I am obnoxious, belligerent, violent, 111 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: I become a monster. If you invite me to your 112 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: kids party, I will get so drunk and black out 113 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: and knocked down the birthday cake because I thought it 114 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: was funny to do that. I did that my own 115 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: goddaughter's birthday part. I just like shove the cake on 116 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 1: the floor. I was hanging out with one of my 117 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: coworkers who was dating this guy who was connected to 118 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: the drug dealers and TJ, and so we would go 119 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: out a lot. We'd be going out three nights a week, 120 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: all the free cocaine that I wanted, and that helped 121 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 1: me not black out a little bit, but sometimes I 122 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:38,119 Speaker 1: would block out. I came out of a blackout once 123 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 1: I had disrespected one of the drug dealers. I think 124 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 1: I grabbed disass for something and they took out an 125 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,480 Speaker 1: ak forty seven pointed out of my head and told 126 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,040 Speaker 1: my friend that they better get me out of there 127 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 1: before they killed me. And so my friend was very 128 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: upset and embarrassed that he was babysitting me. So he's 129 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: like he threw my car key and said, here, just 130 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 1: get the fuck out of here. And I was parked 131 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: in between two cars and I just like backed into 132 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: a car. So I hit a parked car, and then 133 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: like they arrested me and I went to jail in Mexico. 134 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: You know, this was pre transition. So I was in 135 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: the cell with all these men and there was like 136 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: ten of us there, and it was cold and there 137 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,440 Speaker 1: were no blankets. It was just a concrete cell, like 138 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: no toilet, It was just like a hole. Because I 139 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: was a US citizen, they could call a consulate. I 140 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: got arrested on a Friday night and they didn't call 141 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: a console till Monday morning. And they don't feed you 142 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: there like I was. I was being fed by like 143 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: my cellmates that were getting food from their families, delivered 144 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,120 Speaker 1: like some guy had just murdered somebody. And then my 145 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: cell he was there seeing you. Probably on Sunday morning, 146 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 1: the nuns came with like buckets of hot chocolate and 147 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 1: bread and eating us, which was nice. But yeah, I 148 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:08,199 Speaker 1: came out of that Mexico mess because of my grandparents, 149 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: all three of them. 150 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 2: They helped me. 151 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,520 Speaker 1: They were the ones who bailed me out. They were 152 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 1: the ones who took me back to the court. They 153 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,560 Speaker 1: were the ones who found my car, and they were 154 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 1: the ones who paid pretty much for everything. I was 155 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,200 Speaker 1: just so depressed, and I remember Melicha. I was like, 156 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:31,479 Speaker 1: what's happening, Like what is hurting you so deep inside? 157 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: And I came clean about my sexual abuse to her. 158 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: I'm not ready to go into details just yet, but 159 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 1: growing up I was sexually abused by people on both 160 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: sides of my family. And Mom, I told you this 161 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: years later, but yeah, that's when I told Mamilicha. 162 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 2: And what does she say? 163 00:09:54,200 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: She was very heartbroken. This affected her a lot because 164 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:07,559 Speaker 1: she felt responsible. She felt like she failed. 165 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 2: Me and I'm sure betrayed by him. 166 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 1: And I told her, like I I can't seem to 167 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 1: be comfortable with myself because I don't like anybody touching me, 168 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: and like my way of numbing myself was like with 169 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: drugs and alcohol, and I never paid for my drugs, 170 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 1: like I got them for free. So this was very 171 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: hard on her. But like I was so scared to 172 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: like ruffle the family's feathers because I didn't want the 173 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,640 Speaker 1: family to get upset. So I asked my grandma not 174 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: to do anything. And it was like it was a 175 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: hard time for me. 176 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,760 Speaker 3: Yes, I'm sure she understood in some ways too because 177 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:04,400 Speaker 3: of her own experience. Mommy Lee Chant, she started opening 178 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 3: up to me, just telling me things about her life. 179 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 3: The man that molested her was like way older than her. 180 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 3: She was probably like twelve. He was an older. 181 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:24,000 Speaker 2: Man and I now know that he was her mother's boyfriend. 182 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,800 Speaker 3: And you know, I guess what she was trying to 183 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 3: tell me is that her mom knew about this abuse. 184 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,680 Speaker 3: You know, but back in those days it was something 185 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 3: that you don't talk about, you keep quiet. And I 186 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,200 Speaker 3: feel like she needed to get this out. 187 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: It's so crazy because, yeah, the traumas that we we endure. 188 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 2: What about your nana? Did you ever talk to her 189 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:54,320 Speaker 2: about that? 190 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: Yes, it was at the same time. I talked about 191 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: them at the same time. And what was her reaction? 192 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: I think for my nana and Mamilica, they have to 193 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: explain why I was getting into trouble and they felt 194 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 1: compassion for me. So yeah, they built me out from 195 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:18,679 Speaker 1: my dui in Mexico. And like the girls are just 196 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: like watching all of this unfold. So what do I do? 197 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,679 Speaker 1: Like I said, Andrea, on a cruise, I'm so sorry 198 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: that this is happening. Go on a cruise. Oh, I'm 199 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 1: so sorry that this happening. Let me take you to Hawaii. 200 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,840 Speaker 1: I took and to Hawaii and then I blacked out 201 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,720 Speaker 1: over there. Like I remember like doing meth in Hawaii 202 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 1: with like some random people and then fighting them and 203 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,319 Speaker 1: then bringing them back to the whole term where the 204 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: girls were sleeping. That putting them in dangerous situations, you know, 205 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,120 Speaker 1: Like that's what my disease like really really was like bad. 206 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: Like I didn't care, so all that structured. I had 207 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: a creative. The girls when they first came to live 208 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: with me was gone. I was a mess, and they 209 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,560 Speaker 1: didn't really want to be around me. They were around 210 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: what like sixteen and twelve. They were sick of me, 211 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,439 Speaker 1: so they started doing their own thing, hang out with 212 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 1: their friends, not coming home, and that's when Andrea fell 213 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: in love with Richie. So what happened is I was 214 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: out the night before and I had just taken a shower, 215 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: and I was like I felt like I needed I 216 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: needed a fix, and so I got like really high, 217 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,640 Speaker 1: and then I hear a knock on the door, and 218 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 1: I was like, who is it right now? Like I 219 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 1: just wanted to enjoy like my coke and my the 220 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 1: Aschawy walks in and I'm just like, oh God, I 221 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: love people, because you know, it was like a buzzkill. 222 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:06,079 Speaker 1: And she tells me Andrea's pregnant, and I'm so coked 223 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 1: out that I can't I don't even have emotions, so 224 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:13,120 Speaker 1: I'm like okay, and I just remember like wanting her 225 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: to leave because I was like so numb, and I 226 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,040 Speaker 1: was just like, okay, can we talk about this later, 227 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: Like I just I wanted to be alone. I was 228 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,280 Speaker 1: so in my own head and my addiction that I 229 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: couldn't even think of taking care of on the raft 230 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: for a second. I think the chaba could see that. 231 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: And the next day I felt so low, so bad 232 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: about myself. That was another pattern. I get high and 233 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: I act like someone I don't recognize. When I wake 234 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: up and I hear about the terrible things that I do, 235 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,200 Speaker 1: I always want to kill myself. And so I'd end 236 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: up in these fifty one fifties and I became a 237 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,360 Speaker 1: regular at the local psych word. 238 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, I get that. I've been there a few times myself. 239 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: And so the girls were living with me, but then 240 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 1: they were hardly ever there because they didn't want to 241 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: be around me and they had already graduated high school. 242 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: I try to come in suicide and the girls found me. 243 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 1: They dragged me out of the house and they took 244 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,080 Speaker 1: me to Kaiser and that's when my liver was shutting down. 245 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: And the doctor says, you have like a lot of 246 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: high levels of cocaine in your blood, plus everything you took. 247 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: You're very lucky that you're not dead. And I was 248 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: there for seven days until my liver wasn't the clear, 249 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: and then after that they were going to discharge me. 250 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,240 Speaker 1: And then these EMTs walked in and took me the 251 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 1: sharp Masivista, which is a psych word. That was my 252 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 1: last psych Word visit. And that's when the doctor that 253 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,320 Speaker 1: saw me at the psych Word twelve step to me 254 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 1: and he said, I don't think you have mental problems. 255 00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: I think that you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. 256 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,680 Speaker 1: So why don't you check out a twelve step program. 257 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 1: Here's the number. I'm going to let you out of here. 258 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: And that's when my journey into recovery started. You know, 259 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,320 Speaker 1: my life got good really fast. And then we do 260 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: these steps in the program, and I was seeing some 261 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: like really uncomfortable things about myself that I didn't like. Like, 262 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,360 Speaker 1: first of all, I had like a huge resentment towards women. 263 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: I did not like women. You know, I felt like 264 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: my aunts were always very mean, my role models weren't 265 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:40,160 Speaker 1: that great. And so I think I was starting to 266 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: like uncover a little bit that one of the reasons 267 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 1: why I didn't like women, or why I resented women 268 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 1: so much and why I was like so envious of them, 269 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 1: and it got scary. And then you know, we're working. 270 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 1: I'm on my fourth step, which is about taking inventory 271 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 1: of your life and the harm that you've caused to others, 272 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,680 Speaker 1: and I see like the names of the people who 273 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,879 Speaker 1: had like molested me, and it was just like I was, 274 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: it was so much, It was so intense. So I 275 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: just like put that down because it was like really scary, 276 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 1: and I didn't want anyone to ever know about this stuff. 277 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,399 Speaker 1: So I stopped doing the work and I stopped going 278 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,959 Speaker 1: to meetings, and I got like comfortable, and then like 279 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 1: I relapsed and I started drinking again, and then that 280 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: just led into you know, they say that this disease 281 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:38,639 Speaker 1: is progressive, and I truly believe that because I picked 282 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 1: up like a lot worse than where I was. Like 283 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,560 Speaker 1: my relapse was really bad. So I was drinking again. 284 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,879 Speaker 1: I was doing drugs and pills, and I had scheduled 285 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,520 Speaker 1: like a lastick appointment, but I forgot about it and 286 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: went out drinking. And when I came to, like I 287 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 1: was was like on my way to get lasick with 288 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 1: my grandparents, and I was so out of it I 289 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: was drunk. I was so drunk, like coming out of 290 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 1: a black and You're like in Mexico on your way 291 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,880 Speaker 1: to get lasick, and I'm like, where are we? Well, 292 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,719 Speaker 1: you have your drugs still payment. I don't know how 293 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:18,680 Speaker 1: that happened. 294 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:19,919 Speaker 2: It's all a blur to me. 295 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,200 Speaker 1: That's insane. But I had the lasik. Then I came 296 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: home and I went blind for twenty eight days, and 297 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: then I started drinking heavily again, blacking out, got into 298 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,720 Speaker 1: fight with the screw at a bar, and then that's when, like, 299 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: my roommate sent me to rehab. Right, I went to 300 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 1: rehab with no intention of getting sober, and I've been 301 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: sober ever since. I felt a lot a shame about 302 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 1: my addiction that I think, in some ways kind of 303 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: came from with each other, because she always talked about 304 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:57,159 Speaker 1: your addiction in such a judgmental way. And you know, 305 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,639 Speaker 1: I always had that thought in my head that at 306 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: least I'm not shooting up right, that's my mom's thing. 307 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 3: Yeah that makes sense. I mean, yeah, I lived that too. 308 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 3: It's what happens. Recovery brings a lot of difficult stuff 309 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,200 Speaker 3: for us to process. 310 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:37,399 Speaker 4: I was very proud and still am. 311 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: For so many years I felt shame, shame about what 312 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:35,040 Speaker 1: had happened to me, shame about my family, and later 313 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,160 Speaker 1: shame about my addiction. I still struggle to talk about 314 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: it with my mom. My journey to recovery wasn't linear 315 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,280 Speaker 1: or easy it rarely is, but it opened up so 316 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,879 Speaker 1: many new and amazing paths for me, like learning how 317 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: to have relationships that's all good. Learning how to forgive 318 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,920 Speaker 1: my family and how to take ownership from my role 319 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:02,800 Speaker 1: and the damage I caused, and eventually realizing who I 320 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,119 Speaker 1: really am as a person. So much of who I 321 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: am today I credit to my recovery journey. It helped 322 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,280 Speaker 1: me move through my past and build a future that 323 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 1: is so much brighter and happier. And because of the 324 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,439 Speaker 1: work that we do in recovery, I was able to 325 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 1: build a relationship with my mom. I can even talk 326 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,919 Speaker 1: about my addiction with her now, just like you heard. 327 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 1: But I didn't just jump back into things. It took 328 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: time to build what we have now and some major 329 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,360 Speaker 1: changes in our lives to make that happen. 330 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:40,200 Speaker 2: Next time. 331 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,320 Speaker 1: On crumbs like. 332 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,760 Speaker 3: Fuck, I can't do this anymore. I can't go on 333 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,600 Speaker 3: living like this. 334 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,040 Speaker 1: So I picked up the phone during the meeting and 335 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 1: I'm like hello, and they said you need to get 336 00:20:54,080 --> 00:21:02,479 Speaker 1: to the hospital right now. Hey, listeners, there's a lot 337 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,400 Speaker 1: of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. If 338 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,680 Speaker 1: you are someone you know needs help, you can reach 339 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at 340 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: one eight hundred sixty six Y two four three five seven. 341 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 1: They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's 342 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:23,639 Speaker 1: also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred 343 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:28,120 Speaker 1: two seven three T A l K. Both are available 344 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 1: twenty four to seven. You don't have to be in 345 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: crisis to reach out either. They're available for anyone who 346 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 1: needs help. Crumbs is a Sonato production in partnership with 347 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,439 Speaker 1: Iheart'smichel Thura Network and Trojan Horse. It's produced by Hannah 348 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:53,440 Speaker 1: Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher, Rodrigo Crespo and Alex Umero, 349 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 1: with support from Elizabeth Schutzel. Original music by D. Peter Schmidt, 350 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:04,480 Speaker 1: An Engineers Magna Emanuel Barra, Studio, Recording by j TV 351 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,159 Speaker 1: Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive produced by Cono Byrne and 352 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,879 Speaker 1: Giselvan Says for iHeart, Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for 353 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:17,720 Speaker 1: Chidren Horse, Camilla, Victoriano and Joshua weinsteinfer Sonoro and me 354 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: Emmi OLEA special things to Marina Cornella Gire and of 355 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:26,879 Speaker 1: course my mom Il de Gambois. Listen to Crumbs on 356 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your 357 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:31,119 Speaker 1: podcasts