WEBVTT - Personal ED Stories From the Outweigh Archives 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.520 I won't let my body out be outwell everything that 0:00:04.640 --> 0:00:07.920 I'm made dope, won't spend my life trying to change. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.440 I'm learning to love who I am. I get I'm strong, 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:15.840 I feel free, I know who every part of me. 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:24.000 It's beautiful and now will always out way if you 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.200 feel it with yours in the air, She'll love to 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:31.240 the poop there. Let's say good day and did you 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:37.960 and die out? Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy here and 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:40.600 I got a little treat for you today and it 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:44.320 is our o G interview with Cat Defata from Outweigh 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:47.800 before Outweigh was even its own podcast. So Lisa is 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:50.599 on maternity leave and I was thinking the other day 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:53.440 how Cat is such a big part of our lives 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:55.840 now and Lisa too for that matter, and kind of 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:58.560 just cool how things work out and you meet people 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:01.920 because I met Lisa on Instagram because she had her 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:06.360 program Fork the Noise, which was a instrumental piece to 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:10.440 my recovery puzzle. I had struggled with eating disorders and 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:14.240 disordered eating patterns and habits since I was a teenager, 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:19.720 and Lisa was a big, big reason why I finally 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:24.119 had some lightbulbs go off because I was so in 0:01:24.560 --> 0:01:27.240 deep with a lot of disordered behaviors that I actually 0:01:27.240 --> 0:01:29.760 thought they were healthy. I didn't realize they were disordered. 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:33.839 And again the lightbulb kind of went off when I 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:37.399 was doing some of Lisa's fork the Noise Curriculum, and 0:01:37.440 --> 0:01:39.680 it all started to make sense and I had to 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:44.000 unlearn a lot and rewire my brain. I had already 0:01:44.040 --> 0:01:46.920 been in the process of that after reading the book 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:50.559 Brain over Binge, because ben Jing was one of my behaviors. 0:01:51.040 --> 0:01:54.080 But Lisa really helped me, and from that I thought 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:56.640 I had this idea for the Outwegh podcast, and then 0:01:56.720 --> 0:01:58.120 we knew we were going to do a four part 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:01.000 series that would live on my fourth Things podcast, Four 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:03.520 Things with Amy Brown, and that's it. It was gonna 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:06.240 be a four part series, four Saturdays. We'd release an 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:09.040 episode for like the month, and we'd be good to 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:11.440 go call it a day. Well, it ended up going 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:13.440 so well that we were like, Okay, this is so cool. 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.160 Outweigh can be its own podcast and it's a passion 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:18.520 of ours, Like it's not something we were like, oh, 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.560 this is something where we can have a podcast and 0:02:21.600 --> 0:02:24.200 make money off of it and different things. No, like 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:27.640 if we never made a dime from Outweigh, It would 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:32.160 be amazing because we were able to share so much 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:34.880 of our stories and get other people on, so that 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:37.560 you out there, if you happen to be dealing with 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:39.760 any of this on any given day, you can pull 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:42.440 up a podcast and know that you're not alone. And 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:44.200 I've been able to do that with other podcasts that 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:46.280 don't have anything to do with eating disorders. Sometimes I 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:48.200 don't even know how you found that way. Are you 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:51.880 an original listener? Were you searching up eating disorders and 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:55.640 our recovery or disordered eating and an outweigh came up 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:59.680 as an option, And if so, welcome, And I hope 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:02.400 that this is a good resource, a good tool for 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:04.720 you to have in your back pocket if you happen 0:03:04.760 --> 0:03:07.840 to be going through some things as you're navigating towards 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:10.120 recovery or you're trying to stay in recovery or whatever 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:12.440 that looks like for you. With other things I've had 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:13.960 in life that don't have anything to do with this, 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:17.320 I've searched up podcasts and found some amazing help that way. 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:19.760 And I don't even know who these podcasters are. Sometimes 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:21.639 the guests that they're having on but what they had 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:24.160 to say met me where I was at that moment, 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:27.200 and it was exactly what I needed. And suddenly I 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:31.200 knew it wasn't so isolating. I wasn't alone. So I 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:33.680 want you to know that's why we started out Wigh, 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:38.120 And in the beginning, we didn't know Cat Defata, And 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:40.600 now she's a big part of that WAG. She has 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.720 her own podcast on our network called You Need Therapy. 0:03:45.040 --> 0:03:47.640 She now co hosts the fifth thing of my podcast 0:03:47.680 --> 0:03:50.040 with me called the Amy and Cat Chat. So she's 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:54.840 a big part of our podcasting world now. And we 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:57.040 wouldn't have met her if Lisa and I hadn't decided 0:03:57.080 --> 0:04:00.280 to do Outweigh, And it's so cool that got to 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:03.320 meet her. Because of that. Lisa flew to Nashville from 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:06.200 New York to record for two days straight and we 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:08.480 booked a lot of interviews and had all kinds of 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:10.680 things ready to go so that we could just knock 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:13.000 it all out in two days and then get everything 0:04:13.120 --> 0:04:15.040 edited and loaded up and put it up on the 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:17.559 podcast for an April release. And so it was March, 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:20.960 right before COVID we were recording all this. We had 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:23.279 no idea that COVID was even coming and was going 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:26.080 to rock our world and change our lives wherever. But 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:29.599 we were at the Bobby Bones Show studio recording and 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:33.160 Cat happens to have an office nearby, and she had 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:35.040 emailed us saying that she would love to come on 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:37.800 as an expert since she's a licensed therapist that specializes 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:40.359 and eating disorders. And she walked on over to the 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:43.719 studios and she recorded with us, and it was so cool, 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:45.800 and I remember thinking like, Oh, I just love the 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:49.000 way this girl puts stuff and she makes it easy 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:51.800 to understand and she's not intimidating at all, but she's 0:04:51.800 --> 0:04:54.880 so smart. And she too has had an eating disorder 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.080 as well, and then now she's trying to help people 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.280 through it by specializing in it and working with her 0:04:59.320 --> 0:05:02.080 clients on it, and then yeah, making it a main 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:05.760 feature of her podcast. And she's just awesome. So I thought, 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:09.080 what a cool thing to do, maybe because we might 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.839 have new listeners have never heard the O G Outweigh episodes, 0:05:13.160 --> 0:05:17.400 Let's play Cat's original interview with Lisa and myself. So 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:19.920 that's what we're gonna do right now, the O G 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:24.720 Cat Defata interview that we did, and in case you 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:26.960 are new. I just want to say the reason why 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:30.119 this podcast is called Outweigh is because a life without 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:33.680 disordered eating outweighs everything. And I hope if you're not 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:36.000 to a place where you truly believe that that one 0:05:36.040 --> 0:05:38.560 day you will get there, because it is so true, 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:43.240 a life without disordered eating outweighs everything. And for so long, 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:46.840 for so many years of my life, I prioritized food 0:05:47.080 --> 0:05:52.400 and obsessing over food and exercise and avoiding social gatherings 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:57.240 because of food. I was prioritizing everything else, and my 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:01.359 relationship suffered, and memories that I have I suffered my 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:05.440 anxiety around food. I mean, I was definitely suffering. So 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.440 just know that you're not alone, and that once you 0:06:08.520 --> 0:06:10.599 can get to a point of truly believing that a 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:14.159 life without all this junk will outweigh everything, it'll be awesome. 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:16.960 And there is hope because if I can do it, 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:19.520 Lisa can do it, Cat can do it. I don't 0:06:19.520 --> 0:06:21.360 want to be cliche and say, well, then you can 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:24.080 do it, because it's not easy and it will take 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.520 hard work, but you can rewire your brain and you 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:30.920 can get there, and my hope is that you do. So. 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.920 Right now, we're going to play Cat's interview. Here you 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:37.960 go enjoy. So we've got Katherine de Fata in the 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:40.800 studio with us, So you're a guest that's actually here 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.440 in person. A lot of our interviews have been over 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:45.760 the phone just because of where people are in the country, 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:47.880 but you're right here in Nashville with us, which is 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.680 super cool. And you're a therapist here in town. But 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:55.280 you specialize in eating disorders, and so I talked about 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.400 it on the podcast and you listen to Four Things 0:06:57.400 --> 0:06:59.600 with Amy Brown, and you sent me a note and 0:06:59.640 --> 0:07:02.120 said that if you could be a part of it, 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:04.880 just like you know, and we started emailing back and forth, 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.279 and I was like, yes, can you come to the 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:11.640 studio and and let's record some stuff. So just before 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:14.600 we hit record, we were having an off air conversation 0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:18.640 about eating disorder being an addiction and when I'm trying 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:20.840 to talk to my husband about it, or when I 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:22.080 was eating a lot and I just felt like I 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:25.160 couldn't stop, and he didn't understand. I would say, and 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:26.640 I don't know if I was right and how I 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:28.320 was saying it at all, but to me it felt 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:30.480 like I was like, I don't know, It's like an 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:35.040 alcoholic can't stop drinking. I was like, but you can 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:38.080 take alcohol out of your life and survive, Like with food, 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:40.720 I can't eliminate food from my life because you need 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:43.120 food to survive. I just remember that being like some 0:07:43.200 --> 0:07:45.080 language out thrown out. I'm sure I heard it somewhere, 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:49.160 but that's I mean, that's comparing alcoholism is seen as 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:52.160 as an addiction. So one of the things that you 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:55.800 asked me was what's difference between self work and therapy 0:07:56.040 --> 0:07:59.200 with an actual therapist? And I thought about it, and 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:00.600 I actually like, I had a different answer, and then 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:03.440 I was like, that's not right. The difference is the relationship, 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:07.560 and the relationship between a therapist and a client is 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:09.760 like the number one predictor of if it's going to 0:08:09.800 --> 0:08:12.440 be successful, Like if you hate your therapist, you probably 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.040 won't get a lot done. So that goes into just 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:18.040 attachment theory and what that means. And do you guys 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:20.760 know what that is. No. Attachment theory comes from this guy. 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:24.200 His name is John Bowlby, and he was doing research 0:08:24.280 --> 0:08:28.200 in orphanages and he was noticing that like these babies 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:32.320 that were getting everything that they needed like shelter, food, water, 0:08:32.400 --> 0:08:34.960 they were dying or they're getting really really sick, but 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:37.720 there's no reason for it except they weren't being touched, 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:40.720 so there's no touch at all, which is crazy. And 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:44.760 what he came up was that a relationship is necessary 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.000 to survive. He did a lot of research and there's 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:48.800 a lot of stuff that I won't go into because 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:50.839 it might be a little bit boring, but he came 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:54.640 up with these three attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, And 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:58.760 we get those attachment styles based on the relationships we 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.720 usually have with our primary caregiver. So if I have 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:04.480 a really great, loving environment and all my needs are 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:06.439 met all the time, I'm going to have a secure attachment. 0:09:06.520 --> 0:09:08.920 But and that's the majority of people, But also I 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:11.120 see it on a spectrum to the majority of people 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:13.840 do have a sect relationship. Yeah, that's what they say 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:16.920 in the research, but also doing air quotes and they 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:20.400 can't see that's what they say. However, I think really 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:23.040 people are on a spectrum with this. So and then 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.600 anxious attachment would be when sometimes your needs are being met, 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:29.599 sometimes they're not, and so you don't know whether to 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:32.360 trust or not to trust. And then avoidant is when 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:35.560 your needs aren't really being met, and so you kind 0:09:35.559 --> 0:09:37.400 of developed this idea of like I gotta go do 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:40.120 everything on my own, Like I gotta go figure everything 0:09:40.120 --> 0:09:42.560 on my own. Okay, I'm gonna interject just a second, 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:44.920 because I do have two adopted children from Haiti, and 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:46.920 some people may know that, some people may not depending 0:09:46.960 --> 0:09:50.640 on what they've listened to. And I had not heard 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:53.360 and described as attachment theory, but I know that my 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:56.960 kids and I've witnessed it. They have attachment disorder, yes, okay, 0:09:57.120 --> 0:09:59.880 and the lack of stimulation that my son had, I 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.520 now see how it comes out in certain times, like 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:06.720 how he responds and reacts, and then even my daughter, 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:10.959 this is just is this even the same thing? Okay? 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:12.680 So I'm just making sure on the same page because 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:14.920 I also want to be aware of, like now that 0:10:14.960 --> 0:10:19.320 i'm their primary caregiver, that I'm focused on whatever they're 0:10:19.360 --> 0:10:22.720 going to need from me. But there's already walls built, 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:26.080 there's already My daughter came here at ten, she's twelve now, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:30.920 but day one from her arrival was resistance. I can 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:33.800 handle this on my own. I don't need you should 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:36.800 basically give us the heisman anytime. I mean, it's been 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.880 two years of breaking it down and we're finally getting there, 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:43.840 but they're still testing, like I don't really trust you. 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:46.679 Are you going to really love me? What about if 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:49.160 I do this, You're still gonna love me? What if 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:52.600 I Okay, I'm gonna try this out. And so my 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:55.680 husband and I just have to remain consistent and so Yes, 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:58.280 at first when you talked about attachment theory, was like, no, 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:00.480 I don't know what you're talking about them, Like, way 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:03.040 does I get I do know this, but I'm also 0:11:03.080 --> 0:11:05.080 trying to think of my childhood and how it was 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:09.640 with my So think about this. You've talked about your 0:11:09.640 --> 0:11:12.760 own like issues with food and disordered eating, all that 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:15.480 I have that to think about as I explain this 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:17.840 kind of where your story pops up. Also, this is 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:20.360 going to be helpful because you're probably doing the things 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:22.520 you need to do with your children without even knowing 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:25.160 that you're doing them, just because you're a good caring person, 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:28.400 So you can develop a certain attachment style. Good news 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:32.040 is it's not static. It's fluid. So going back to 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:34.400 just describing this and how it relates to what we 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:37.320 were talking about in the beginning, is people develop these 0:11:37.360 --> 0:11:41.280 attachments and they're all based on feeling like loved, like 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:44.160 you belong and so I have developed my own theory 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:46.400 that we all are born with these two desires to 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:49.280 be ourselves and then to have love and belonging, and 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:52.280 throughout our lives the desire for love and belonging becomes 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:56.439 very very, very very strong, and so we drop parts 0:11:56.440 --> 0:11:59.160 of ourselves or pick parts of ourselves or pick things 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:01.680 up that aren't really parts of ourselves to get that 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:06.280 love and belonging. And so that's when the addiction comes in. 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:08.920 I'll use an example from my life to explain this. 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:12.760 So I never felt like I like really really really 0:12:12.880 --> 0:12:16.040 fit into or had like a thing, or we're special 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:19.520 in certain parts of my friend groups, in certain areas 0:12:19.520 --> 0:12:22.800 in my family, and so I started to do things 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.520 to get me attention. I attributed that attention to love, right, 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.199 I always say, like, any attention is good attention. So, 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:32.199 going back to what you said, what's the difference between 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.600 therapy and self work is a therapist is what we 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:39.840 call a secure base, which helps somebody develop a secure 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:42.439 attachment style. Because somebody's going to come into my office 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.160 probably not knowing that they have any of this or 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:47.920 any kind of drama I'm going to be that person. 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:50.560 Like you're explaining with your daughter, what if I do this, 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:52.640 you still love me? What if I yell at you? 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:54.800 Can I still come back? What if I miss a session? 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:56.560 What if I tell you that you're wrong? What if 0:12:56.600 --> 0:12:59.120 I disagree with you? Um? What if I act out? 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.160 What if I really laps in what you told me 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:03.160 not to do? Are you still going to let me 0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:06.760 come back in? And the answer is always yes, yes, yes, 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:10.320 with safe boundaries, and it helps them learn that like, hey, 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:12.079 I don't have to be a certain way. I can 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.240 show up as I am and like I can find love. 0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:17.920 So when you say you were doing things to get attention, 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:20.360 what were those things? So it depends on which part 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:21.880 of my life. Well, let's go ahead and talk about 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:24.720 the eaty So in college, Yeah, it's easy for me 0:13:24.760 --> 0:13:26.640 to talk about this. Now, I didn't know that this 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:30.120 was happening, no clue, which most people don't. But I 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:34.600 started with a diet, counting calories. And again in my family, 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:36.960 all my siblings went and played dan one sports and 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:39.960 I just went to college. And so I felt like 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:42.320 I was missing something because didn't have anything that my 0:13:42.360 --> 0:13:45.120 parents would really brag that much about no fault to them, 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:47.640 my parents are great. And so I went on this diet, 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:51.240 started losing all this weight. I was getting tons of attention, 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:55.560 like tons, you look so good this this whatever. Guys 0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:58.520 like started talking to me more. And so I attribute 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:00.480 that to that of like, Okay, now I fit and 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:03.360 now I belong belonging as love, I'm good, And then 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:05.600 I became a shell of a human. Tap into that 0:14:05.640 --> 0:14:07.840 a little bit more. What were you feeling at that time? 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.080 Like what I mean, first, you're on the high. What 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:11.720 does it mean to be a shell, because you're certainly 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:16.920 not a shell today with the vibrants and your radiant ye. 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:20.160 So just so that people, because really we're doing this 0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:22.440 so people don't feel alone. And I feel like with 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.720 each person that's sharing part of their real story, which 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:29.080 you just did, somebody's relating and they're like, wait, tell 0:14:29.160 --> 0:14:32.320 me more. I would say. People would always describe me 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:35.720 as like loud and bubbly and like fun. I'm a 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:39.240 seven on the Instagram, so that which I didn't know 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:40.840 what the Instagram was back then. So that's how I 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:44.080 always was. So when I started restricting my food, I 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:47.040 ended up restricting every single part of my life because 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:49.440 I couldn't go to that party because what if I 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:51.600 drank alcohol and their scalaris and alcohol, and then what 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:53.560 if I got drunk and then I wanted to eat 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:56.560 something that I ate something I shouldn't eat that crippled me. 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:58.800 Or I can't go to that that restaurant because I 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:00.880 can't eat anything there. Then people are going to ask 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:02.240 me like, why aren't you eating and I I don't have 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:04.800 to come up with some excuse. Or I can't go 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.240 to that thing at night because I have to get 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:09.160 up and work out at six am and I need 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:12.640 my energy. And so I started cutting things out of 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:15.120 my life. I remember the start of my junior year 0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:19.720 of college. That summer junior to senior year, I like 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:22.640 never left my parents house when I came home, and 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:24.320 I never saw any of my friends from high school, 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:26.680 which we were always very close. I remember I did 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:28.440 one thing. I went to my best friend from high 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:31.240 school's birthday party and then started at her house and 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:32.880 they all went out. I think it might have been 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:35.320 her twenty first birthday, and I went home after her 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:37.040 house that everybody else went out, and I went home 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.240 because I was like, I can't do that. So the 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:40.840 thing that got me all this attention, and all of 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.320 a sudden, then I was like, what's the point of 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:46.520 the attention because I'm not letting myself engage with anybody. 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:49.560 And then I came back that next year, my senior year, 0:15:49.800 --> 0:15:52.720 and I didn't do anything. I didn't I was in authority. 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:54.880 I like would skip some of our date parties or 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.000 I would go I remember one time I also was 0:15:58.040 --> 0:16:01.360 really into school. I like I went to a party. 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:02.840 It was a swaps which one that you would like 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:05.040 dress up like and where a costume, And I like 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.200 loved doing that, and I like took my note cards 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:10.120 to the bar and like study for my test. You 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:12.560 just like withdrew and lost interest in all the things 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:14.840 that you love to do. My friends did not love that. 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:17.520 So that's a part where that's just part of your 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:20.960 story of what you did to get attention to feel belonging. 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:22.800 But then you realize, like it's kind of like it 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:24.480 goes up, up up, and it's like this is where 0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:27.120 I'm getting belonging love, And then all of a sudden, 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:29.000 you just it's like we just I think it happened 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:30.400 all of us, and you crash and burn because you 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:32.640 realize you have nothing around you and what is this for? 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:36.520 So then what do you do well? And I love 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.720 looking back at this because I don't know you'all's experiences, 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.600 but from my experience, I had no clue that I 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:45.400 was struggling, so like, not a clue. I thought I 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:47.560 was like on top of the world, like this actually 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:51.760 makes me want to cry. But my senior year, I 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:53.760 thought that I was killing it, like I had gotten 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:56.720 into all these graduate programs. I was like, gonna go 0:16:56.800 --> 0:16:59.960 do all these things. And looking back, like another thing 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.040 I did that I have so much grief over it 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:05.480 is I skipped my last date party ever to come 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:07.560 back to Nashville and run the half marathon. I can 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:10.359 run that marathon whenever I want. I can never go 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:12.880 back and have my last party with my best friends. 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:15.720 I did not know that. I still was like, yeah, 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:18.040 I'd rather go run this marathon. This is my lifestyle. 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:20.560 I'm healthy. I don't like to drink, almost like this 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:27.080 grandiose sense of self healthy so us yea, And I 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:33.080 probably I was a brat, yes, like because yeah, because 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:34.840 I wouldn't judge what people are eating. You're going to 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:37.399 eat that? And I'm like, in my head, I wish 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:39.720 I could eat that, Like I wish I could eat that, 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:42.000 but I have eating distor. As we talk a lot 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:44.040 about how you have so much control, I had no control, 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:47.159 right well, it was like not like I could eat that, 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:49.000 Like wow, look at me, I have so much willpower 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.600 for not eating. But I don't really think I did 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:54.359 have willpower. Because I had willpower, I would eat a doughnut. 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:55.760 But that's what people would say to me. I'm like, 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:58.280 I wish I could be like Catherine, and like, you 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:00.560 don't want to be like me. Yeah, I know, because 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:02.920 they don't really know the struggle. That's why it's important, 0:18:02.920 --> 0:18:05.119 and we'll reiterate it now since it's kind of coming up. 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:06.879 That's why it's important. You never know what's going on 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.200 inside someone's body. You might think it's all they've got 0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:11.520 it all figured out and their life is together, and 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:15.359 then you can reinforce their behavior by complimenting something about 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:17.680 their body, and then that keeps them on that hamster 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:20.520 wheel and really you have no idea you contributed to 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:23.600 the problem just by giving the compliment. We've been trying 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:27.440 to just get it into people and even myself over 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:30.159 and over, to stop complimenting on people's bodies. There's so 0:18:30.160 --> 0:18:32.679 many other things that we could probably compliment that like 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:35.760 do that's not necessary. It's kind of story quick. So 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:39.679 this is why I started to look at before I 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:42.359 really got into being like a eating disorder therapist. This 0:18:42.480 --> 0:18:44.640 is like, I have a shame about this now, but 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:47.320 again I'm trying to not have that. I went to 0:18:47.440 --> 0:18:50.359 grad school, I went to Vanderbilt in Nashville, and thinking 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.320 I was going to be eating disorder therapists, and guess 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:55.560 what I wanted to specialize in. I wanted to work 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:58.560 with specifically binge eating disorder and help them lose weight, 0:18:58.720 --> 0:19:00.879 which is not how you do. It's not okay. I 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:03.800 could understand, not understand, not understanding. Yes, now I'm like, 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:06.439 oh my gosh, maybe explain why though that that wouldn't 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:08.920 be Yeah, that may not hand it. Yeah, because I 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:11.239 know more of that because I've been doing I've been 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.280 working alongside people, like he said, where y'all understand why 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:16.600 that would be bad, but someone else might not get why. 0:19:16.680 --> 0:19:19.919 That's probably not like the best thing. So it's not 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:24.000 about the weight. And so with binge eating disorder, there's 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:26.920 something else going on, and if I help them lose weight, 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:30.320