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Speaker 1: If you have your own story of being in a

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Speaker 1: cult or a high control group, or if.

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Speaker 2: You've had experience with manipulation or abusive power that you'd

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Speaker 2: like to share.

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Speaker 1: Leave us a message on our hotline number at three

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Speaker 1: four seven eight six trust.

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Speaker 2: That's three four seven eight six eight seven eight seven eight.

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Speaker 1: Or showed us an email at trust Me pod at

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Speaker 1: gmail dot com.

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Speaker 3: Trust me, trust me, trust me.

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Speaker 1: I'm like a swat person.

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Speaker 4: I've never lived to you.

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Speaker 5: And we never have a live.

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Speaker 2: If you think that one person has all the answers,

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Speaker 2: don't welcome to trust Me. The podcast about cults Extreme

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Speaker 2: belief of manipulation from two journeyers who've actually experienced it.

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Speaker 2: I'm low Lablanc and I'm Megan Elizabeth. And Today is

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Speaker 2: part two of our interview with Lauren Drayne, former member

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Speaker 2: of the Westborough Baptist Church as well as a fitness model,

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Speaker 2: a trainer, a registered nurse and an author. In this episode,

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Speaker 2: we'll hear more about how she got kicked out, dropped

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Speaker 2: off at a motel with no one in her life

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Speaker 2: but her coworkers, and that didn't turn out to be

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Speaker 2: so great.

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Speaker 5: All the ways the.

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Speaker 2: Group would make people too afraid to leave and how

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Speaker 2: she slowly rebuilt her life.

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Speaker 1: She'll tell us all about her healing journey, including emdr

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Speaker 1: for trauma and fitness, which gave her something that she

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Speaker 1: could control in a very out of control time in

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Speaker 1: her life. We'll talk about how that can sometimes lead

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Speaker 1: to eating disorders as it did for her, and the

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Speaker 1: profound journey of forgiveness and letting go that doing ayahuasca

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Speaker 1: helped her process.

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Speaker 2: Plus an incredible update on her family's current status.

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Speaker 3: Oh it's good.

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Speaker 2: Before we dive in with her and this incredibly interesting

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Speaker 2: and engaging conversation, What is the cultiest thing that's happened

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Speaker 2: to you this week?

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Speaker 1: Well, we are recording this a week earlier than when

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Speaker 1: it's coming out, so you might be like, wow, Megan,

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Speaker 1: way to stay on top of the news.

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Speaker 3: But it is news today.

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Speaker 1: And that is that Gwen Stefani just gave an interview

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Speaker 1: saying that she's Japanese, which I'm obsessed with the cult

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Speaker 1: of celebrity and especially the cult of the rock star.

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Speaker 1: I can't get enough of how completely delusional human psyche

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Speaker 1: becomes once it's so taken away from reality. And she's

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Speaker 1: not Japanese at all. And she truly thought it was

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Speaker 1: fine to say that, and such a climate as now

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Speaker 1: so interesting stuff.

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Speaker 3: Kind of don't think being a celebrity is good for you.

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Speaker 2: I was confused when you told me she said that.

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Speaker 2: So I looked it up and like, no, this is

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Speaker 2: not from a blood test. This is just her being

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Speaker 2: like she's basically saying, like, oh, I identify, like I'm

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Speaker 2: spiritually Japanese, Like I identify so much with Japanese people

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Speaker 2: that I myself am basically Japanese. It's like she's calling

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Speaker 2: herself an honorary Japanese versus.

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Speaker 1: Only someone enabled so much away from the reality of

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Speaker 1: normal life would think that in two day's time, that

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Speaker 1: is a thing to say to By the way, the

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Speaker 1: Asian person interviewing her, really yeah, oh no, qus my girl,

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Speaker 1: why yeah, I know, I know. So you know, it's

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Speaker 1: interesting because I was just talking to somebody about this.

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Speaker 1: I was like, damn, she got away with all of it,

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Speaker 1: you know, like back in the Magic Kingdom days. It

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Speaker 1: was kind of like that she wore the what's it

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Speaker 1: called in the middle of her forehead?

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Speaker 3: Is it a bendi in the middle of her forehead,

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Speaker 3: and you know.

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Speaker 1: Did a lot of appropriation stuff, and no one's really

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Speaker 1: ever called her on it.

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Speaker 3: But then she had to drop this bomb.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, well when she was doing that, the level

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Speaker 2: of appropriation in the culture was strong for sure, all

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Speaker 2: around in fairness, but yeah, no, it is crazy that

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Speaker 2: she never she never faced like blated.

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Speaker 3: Backlash for that. Yeah, but I don't know, man.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you get in a bubble and you're like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: everyone lost me. I'm just being loving, Like I think

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Speaker 2: she really thinks she's like just being loving.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you can certainly love cultures and feel spiritually

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Speaker 1: very connected with them. Would I suggest saying it in

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Speaker 1: a national interview?

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Speaker 2: Probably no, probably not, Probably not too an Asian person,

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, Gwenn, I loved her so much.

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Speaker 3: I loved her so much, of course, of course.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it's just I think it's the cult of celebrities.

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Speaker 1: So I don't know if I'm reaching there, but living

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Speaker 1: in Hollywood, I see it a lot, and it's always

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Speaker 1: intriguing to me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel that I'm with you.

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Speaker 3: What about you? What's the cultiest thing that happened to

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Speaker 3: you this week? For next week?

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Speaker 2: Don't tell them it's not those exact week. I'm going

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Speaker 2: out of town. You guys, we're doing it.

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Speaker 3: Sorry.

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Speaker 2: I watched this documentary on HBO, which I actually texted

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Speaker 2: you about, called This Place Rules, which I was really

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Speaker 2: excited to see because it was like, you know, the

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Speaker 2: tone is very vice.

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Speaker 3: It's like this.

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Speaker 2: Young guy, moppy haired guy who goes who was going

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Speaker 2: to all these like qan on rallies, And the documentary

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Speaker 2: looks super interesting. You know, he's just like exploring conspiracy

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Speaker 2: theorists and people who engage in extreme thinking in America.

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Speaker 2: Didn't love the doc I didn't think it was most

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Speaker 2: nuanced documentary I've ever seen, but it was like interesting.

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Speaker 2: And then, of course today the news then broke that

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Speaker 2: there are there's more than one girl now on TikTok

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Speaker 2: who are like, yeah, he like didn't let me say

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Speaker 2: no when we were having sex and basically coerce me

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Speaker 2: into having sex.

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Speaker 5: So damn.

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Speaker 2: You think you got a good one, and you think

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Speaker 2: you got someone who's on the team, and then you

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Speaker 2: find out it's just another one of the other guys.

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Speaker 2: Not so much so anyway, that's that guy. There are

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Speaker 2: some fascinating characters in that doc but but yeah, I

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Speaker 2: guess don't love his behavior.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I enjoyed it. He watched it, Yeah, I did.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was interesting and unfortunate to hear that

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Speaker 1: news today, But.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, I'm sorry to talk about it. After we watched it,

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Speaker 2: I was like, I feel like I would do it better,

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Speaker 2: a better political documentary.

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Speaker 3: If you do a better one, you know what you should.

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Speaker 3: I think that's exactly what the world needs for real.

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Speaker 3: I'm not being sarcastic. It sounds like I am. I'm

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Speaker 3: very my Western, and people thinks I'm being sarcastic a

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Speaker 3: lot when I'm just enthusiastic.

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Speaker 2: I thought you were making fun of me, but.

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Speaker 3: I'm not. I'm truly not something ever, Suin's really mean.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, very passionately serious. Thank you, very nice? Yeah

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Speaker 3: uh yeah.

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Speaker 2: I just think I would love to see an approach

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Speaker 2: to that that's more like Louis Thrustyle.

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Speaker 3: That's more like.

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Speaker 2: Trying to understand people instead of like making them all

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Speaker 2: look as ridiculous as humanly possible. A couple of the

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Speaker 2: characters in there are so over the top it's like, well,

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Speaker 2: come yeah, why are we even highlighting them?

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Speaker 3: I think about those little kids all the time. They

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Speaker 3: are so sweet. It's really sad.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: In the QAnon family, yeah, and.

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Speaker 3: The little boys like I don't have any friends. I

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Speaker 3: was like, I know.

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Speaker 2: But then when nothing none of the like revelations or whatever,

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Speaker 2: game true, then the kid was like, I guess it

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Speaker 2: was all for nothing. Poor sweetie, Poor sweetie.

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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 3: Anyway, all right, well, are we ready to talk to.

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Speaker 2: Lauren Rain again?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, let's talk to Lauren. Yeah, let's do it all right,

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Speaker 3: here we go.

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Speaker 2: This show is sponsored by Betterhelp. I know that I

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Speaker 2: am out my best self when I have people in

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Speaker 2: my life that I can talk to about what is

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Speaker 2: going on with me, like challenges, when I'm isolated or

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Speaker 2: like don't have a lot of people to like talk

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Speaker 2: it through with me, can seem so much bigger than

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Speaker 2: when I have someone there who can just kind of

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Speaker 2: help me tease it apart and figure out what's going

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Speaker 2: on and get to the root of it. And for me,

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Speaker 2: that is best provided by a therapist. That truly is

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Speaker 2: what makes me feel like my best self. I feel supported,

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Speaker 2: I feel like I have someone, I feel like I'm

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Speaker 2: not alone.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, someone who never stops talking with their friends. I

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Speaker 3: always used to say, I don't need a therapist. I

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Speaker 3: talk to people about my emotions and issues all of

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Speaker 3: the time.

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Speaker 1: At very different to talk to somebody who is highly

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Speaker 1: trained and knows what to look for and what to

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Speaker 1: pick up on to help you overcome patterns. Pattern patterns, baby,

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Speaker 1: recognize them, fix them, get up over Yes, love it.

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Speaker 2: And one great way to do that is by using

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Speaker 2: better Help. It is convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online

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Speaker 2: and all you have to do is fill out a

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Speaker 2: brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and

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Speaker 2: you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge, which

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Speaker 2: is a very important feature.

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Speaker 1: I think if you want to live a more empowered life,

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Speaker 1: therapy can get you there. Visit Betterhelp dot com slash

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Speaker 1: trust today to get ten percent off your first month.

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Speaker 1: That's Better Help h e LP dot com slash trust.

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Speaker 2: We always wonder when it comes to leaders of groups

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Speaker 2: like this, like are they just like narcissists psychopaths who

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Speaker 2: like just want that power or are they mentally unstable

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Speaker 2: and like really believe Lola?

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Speaker 4: Can I draw one more parallel?

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Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, the.

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Speaker 4: Person who created the church I was raised in very

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Speaker 4: similar trajectory. The entire Christian religion is wrong here's the

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Speaker 4: right way, blah blah blah blah blah. But then he

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Speaker 4: started to turn on it and be like, no, this

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Speaker 4: isn't right, so his followers were.

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Speaker 5: Like, get the hell out.

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Speaker 4: He ended up dying by himself on the streets of India.

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Speaker 4: Like he's a man with mania and OCD who reads

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Speaker 4: the Bible and sees it one way because he's mentally ill,

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Speaker 4: and then he convinces people it's correct, and then when

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Speaker 4: he's like, wait, it's not right, they're like, get out.

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Speaker 4: And that just keeps repeating itself forever. Oh wow, that's crazy.

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Speaker 2: Wow, that's so fascinating. I want to do a character

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Speaker 2: study film on one of these people. There's something so

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Speaker 2: poetic about like creating this monster that experience you alone. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that that leaves you alone in your death and completely

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Speaker 2: turns on you and I don't know, it's fucking really sad.

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Speaker 5: It's so bizarre. It's like this cruel irony that, yeah,

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Speaker 5: you should have seen it coming, but you did, Like,

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Speaker 5: because people still stay? How are people still there after

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Speaker 5: that shit? Right? I left over like some normal weird shit.

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Speaker 5: They're staying after they pushed their own pastor out, they

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Speaker 5: did some weird shit with his wife too. She passed

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Speaker 5: away also when I wrote my memoir, These are what

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Speaker 5: I the facts that I remember, even if I remember

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Speaker 5: them correctly, Like whatever, do'ssume me? The pastor's wife, who

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Speaker 5: was a very gentle, sweet woman, a lot different in

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Speaker 5: character than him, She also passed away, and they drove

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Speaker 5: her body away, like to some random branch. They kept

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Speaker 5: her body like away from like whatever the public eye.

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Speaker 5: I don't know. To me, this is so disturbing and dehumanizing,

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Speaker 5: Like what in the actual book, This is a human

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Speaker 5: who passed away. Why are we folding her body and

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Speaker 5: driving it off to a weird location? Why are we

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Speaker 5: not I don't know correctly if I'm wrong, it just

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Speaker 5: seems so fucking weird.

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Speaker 4: No, you're very correct.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, your assessment spot on. And people stay after that,

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Speaker 5: Like I would be like, okay, you guys breaking up

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Speaker 5: families and in suing me over emailing a guy. That's

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Speaker 5: fucking stupid. But I'd like, uh, past your wife, I'm out,

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Speaker 5: you guys.

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Speaker 4: Like the the fear is so real, I mean, because

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Speaker 4: I can already hear in my head somebody being like,

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Speaker 4: why did you hold the sign? You know you shouldn't

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Speaker 4: have hold the mean sign. But it's like our brains

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Speaker 4: are so attuned to fear that if you're that scared,

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Speaker 4: choice becomes a really difficult thing to pen down.

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Speaker 2: Well, if I mean, you can speak to this obviously,

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Speaker 2: but like if you're gonna lose your family, you're gonna

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Speaker 2: lose your community, you're gonna lose.

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Speaker 4: Your yourself, your salvation, your children, your children, everything, everything.

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Speaker 5: Yes, very powerful. It's very powerful. That's why when people

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Speaker 5: ask me, oh, when you're gonna leave, I tell them

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Speaker 5: I don't know, because I didn't leave. They kicked me out,

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Speaker 5: so I had no choice. And I'm like, I'm actually,

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Speaker 5: it's a blessing in disguis for me because I needed

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Speaker 5: to be out. I was fighting the system. I didn't

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Speaker 5: believe in this shit anymore. I didn't belong there. But

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Speaker 5: I the fear, like you guys said, losing my life,

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Speaker 5: my family and these my friends, use of salvation, all

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Speaker 5: this stuff was so real to me that I was like, well,

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Speaker 5: that's not territory. I want to go down right now,

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Speaker 5: you know. And when the longer people stay, they stay

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Speaker 5: more ingrained because they're more brainwashed, they're more connected to

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Speaker 5: people they're more isolated from the outside they have Now

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Speaker 5: they're married, they have children, they have the fear of

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Speaker 5: like because they will take your children like a mother

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Speaker 5: who bore her children. They're like, we don't give a fuck.

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Speaker 5: We have nine or ten attorneys. We'll get the children

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Speaker 5: taken from you. We'll get full custody.

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Speaker 2: You're fucked, like so scary glory that they're fucking attorneys

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Speaker 2: and they're good ones.

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Speaker 4: And then like, I'm in a Facebook group now for

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Speaker 4: people who've left their religion. I was brought up in

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Speaker 4: and a lot of mothers are like I brought up

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Speaker 4: my children in it. I left, and now they disowned

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Speaker 4: me because I put the system of thinking into them.

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Speaker 4: I can no longer override. It's so wild, it's wild.

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Speaker 5: So so you guys, I don't know if you know,

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Speaker 5: but my my family has left my dad.

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Speaker 2: Thank god they have. Oh my god, Oh my god.

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Speaker 5: So they haven't come out with it publicly yet, so

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Speaker 5: I didn't want to want to speak for them or anything,

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Speaker 5: but they did say if someone asks that they that

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Speaker 5: I can say that we're in contact. Oh so I

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Speaker 5: can't give.

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Speaker 2: You cry so happy.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, So it's very amazing. I might be visiting them

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Speaker 5: in person in March. They oh, my dad, and they

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Speaker 5: were in it for twenty years. So I have a

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Speaker 5: twenty year old brother and eighteen year ol sister that

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Speaker 5: have left, but they were born and raised in it.

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Speaker 5: So I joined when I was you know, So I

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Speaker 5: get to meet them and it's it's very it's very ractous.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, this is so awesome.

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Speaker 4: Did Taylor?

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Speaker 5: Did Taylor leave as well? So Taylor is still there,

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Speaker 5: which breaks my heart because our family's now been fractured

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Speaker 5: three times because it was when I first left and

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Speaker 5: then when my parents left, so Taylor lost them, so

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Speaker 5: she kind of lost her family twice.

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Speaker 2: We tell tell the audience who Taylor is.

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Speaker 5: Oh, Taylor is my younger sister. So I'm the oldest

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Speaker 5: of four. She's five and a half year secret. So

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Speaker 5: she was the one that had kidney cancer.

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Speaker 3: Okay, she had.

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Speaker 5: Kidney cancer, yes, and she's probably around thirty two years

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Speaker 5: old now and she's married with kids. She's married to

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Speaker 5: a Phelps in the church with kids.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, so she so, like I said, she lost me,

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Speaker 5: then she lost my my siblings that left in August

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Speaker 5: of twenty twenty, and then now that like she can't.

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Speaker 5: She doesn't communicate with them anymore. So my family lost

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Speaker 5: her because she cut them off. So it's kind of

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Speaker 5: what you just said about raising kids to turn on you.

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Speaker 5: So they raised her, they raised her, and she turned

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Speaker 5: on them. Yeah do you see what I'm saying. So

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Speaker 5: it's like it's all it's all coming from full circle.

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Speaker 5: It's like, and that same thing happened to the pastor

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Speaker 5: all his kids. He has freaking nine kids in the church.

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Speaker 5: All of them turned on it. No one stood up

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Speaker 5: and said, hey, this is some fucking stupid, crazy shit.

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Speaker 5: Like they they hold you guys. They hold meetings like

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Speaker 5: like you know, when you go to vote for something.

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Speaker 5: They hold meanings to vote on things like whether or

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Speaker 5: not you're going to kick someone out, whether or not

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Speaker 5: someone should stay, whether or not someone you know, whatever,

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Speaker 5: And they no one in the whole room hold their

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Speaker 5: hands up to defend him, like because this is how but.

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Speaker 2: Why would you because then they'll turn on you and

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Speaker 2: then you'll be labeled evil.

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Speaker 3: So like there's no way to.

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Speaker 2: Do it unless until the first person does it and

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Speaker 2: gives you courage. Like no one is going to want

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Speaker 2: to be that first person. So it's an impossible situation.

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Speaker 4: The fear spral just keeps going down and down and

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Speaker 4: down in it really doesn't spare anyone in the end,

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Speaker 4: but wow, does it have a hold on you?

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Speaker 2: While yeah, I mean I'm so I mean, that's so

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Speaker 2: fucking great about your family, though, I mean, are you

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Speaker 2: how do you feel? Are you excited?

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Speaker 5: It's it's freaking amazing. I mean I really did believe

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Speaker 5: I would never see them again. Like I know, when

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Speaker 5: you grieve the loss of someone a boyfriend or mother,

341
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Speaker 5: someone passed away, you grieve it right. You have to

342
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Speaker 5: go through all the stages and you know, sadness, anger, hear,

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Speaker 5: the whole thing, all the way to acceptance. I went

344
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Speaker 5: all the way there with my family. I was like,

345
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Speaker 5: that's it gone. They might as well die to cancer.

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Speaker 5: And so like when they like left them, like this

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Speaker 5: isn't part of my reality, Like I don't they they

348
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Speaker 5: left me or they were done. So I had to

349
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Speaker 5: like reprocess, like wait, they can leave, They're not bad,

350
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Speaker 5: Like is there a way for you to forgive them

351
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Speaker 5: for what happened? Like that was a major journey, Like

352
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Speaker 5: I just it's taken me two years to be able

353
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Speaker 5: to forgive, like what happened to me because I don't know.

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Speaker 5: I don't know if you guys know, but I suffered

355
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Speaker 5: from complex DTSD. I have like seizure like panic attacks

356
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Speaker 5: where I just seize up and I can't I can't function.

357
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Speaker 5: Like I did it one time in the back. I

358
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Speaker 5: did it one time in the bathtub and I was drowned.

359
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,960
Speaker 5: I was just like, you know, if I get a trigger,

360
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Speaker 5: I just that's it. I'm full blown into it. So

361
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Speaker 5: I've been doing really a lot of healing this year.

362
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Speaker 5: So I've been doing like a m d R. I've

363
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Speaker 5: been Yeah, I did Iowaska Journeys to Oh my god,

364
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:16,439
Speaker 5: plant medicine doing the healing. Yeah, I'm doing healing and

365
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,919
Speaker 5: I'm not only there yet, but it does help, you know.

366
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Speaker 5: I I was panic attack free for I think almost

367
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Speaker 5: a whole year. And it's it's getting there, you know.

368
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Speaker 5: And it's a learning process and it's adapting and coping

369
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,800
Speaker 5: and meditating and all that stuff. Reading books, you know.

370
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Speaker 5: I love listening to Jordan Peterson and got bor Mate

371
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Speaker 5: and all these big you know, public speakers and stuff.

372
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Speaker 5: But yeah, it's it's taken me two years. My dream

373
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Speaker 5: of my whole life was to see them again. Like

374
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Speaker 5: I literally envisioned, Okay, Lauren, if you don't see them

375
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Speaker 5: this lifetime, in like the next lifetime, you'll see them.

376
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Speaker 5: And that's what you'll read tonight. And I used to

377
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Speaker 5: like that was my that was my like fantasies, I'll

378
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Speaker 5: see them in the afterlife. So I was just like,

379
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Speaker 5: I was just like, Okay, we're going to reunite then,

380
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,200
Speaker 5: kind of the story of Joseph. Joseph was separated from

381
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Speaker 5: his family all over his lifespan, like they sold they

382
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Speaker 5: were they were going to kill him, and then they

383
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,320
Speaker 5: sold him into slavery. And then he became next to

384
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,520
Speaker 5: the prince of Egypt and he's like, Hi, remember me,

385
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,399
Speaker 5: Like I'm your brother, and they're like, oh fuck, Like

386
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Speaker 5: we shouldn't have done that.

387
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Speaker 4: Oh no, what a dream?

388
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Speaker 5: What a dream? I want to do that. That's cool.

389
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,639
Speaker 5: But guys, I'm telling you, forgiveness is like so freaking hard.

390
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,200
Speaker 5: You could say you forgive someone, but to actually forgive

391
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,160
Speaker 5: someone for doing something that you feel like ruined your

392
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 5: life is is is really hard. So it's been a

393
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Speaker 5: journey for me to get there. And I'm getting there

394
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,240
Speaker 5: and and and I and I love them they're beautiful humans.

395
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Speaker 5: Uh somehow they're not completely They're they're still very kind,

396
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,879
Speaker 5: they're loving, they're open, and they're they're more about like Christ.

397
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Speaker 5: Like they've actually left the church themselves because they did not.

398
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Speaker 5: They felt they were starting to believe. Okay, this is

399
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Speaker 5: what happened during quarantine. Instead of the church holding meetings

400
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Speaker 5: with everyone together, they started breaking off and doing household

401
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:10,000
Speaker 5: Bible studies, right, you know, COVID exposure whatever. And as

402
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,400
Speaker 5: they were doing household Bible studies, they started studying on

403
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:16,040
Speaker 5: their own and learning, Okay, Christ is very salvation based.

404
00:19:16,119 --> 00:19:18,680
Speaker 5: We need to we need to you know, actually believe

405
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,880
Speaker 5: in salvation, talk about it, talk about Christ more. We're

406
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,200
Speaker 5: always talking about God hating everyone. What about who God

407
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,000
Speaker 5: loves or who God wants to save? So it became

408
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,840
Speaker 5: like more Christ centered and they changed this whole mentality.

409
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,800
Speaker 5: And when when my dad, I guess he wrote like

410
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,399
Speaker 5: a fourteen page document to the church saying like we

411
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,000
Speaker 5: were way too hateful, we're not inclusive, we don't bring

412
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,920
Speaker 5: salvation or we don't bring the good news to gospel.

413
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Speaker 5: The church is like, yeah, no, you're changing our doctrine.

414
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Speaker 5: You can get the fuck out. So yeah, so they

415
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,919
Speaker 5: ended up leaving all together. But they kind of had

416
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,679
Speaker 5: ability to my mom, my dad, my brother Bo, and

417
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,159
Speaker 5: my sister Faith to come to these conclusions themselves because

418
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,200
Speaker 5: they weren't. They were more isolated in their family unit

419
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,160
Speaker 5: instead of with the church and their inform So being

420
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,080
Speaker 5: able to be broken off into your own little you know,

421
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:06,880
Speaker 5: you can start to assess things yourself instead of constantly

422
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,560
Speaker 5: been barded with whatever whatever the doctrine is. So they

423
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Speaker 5: were COVID.

424
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Speaker 4: COVID brought so many people out of religions that yeah,

425
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Speaker 4: it's very.

426
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Speaker 2: Strange other people into them and to them of course, yeah, yeah,

427
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,240
Speaker 2: but I mean that really speaks to the power of

428
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:31,040
Speaker 2: like being able to have time to think independently and

429
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,880
Speaker 2: to like not constantly be bombarded why they.

430
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Speaker 4: Keep you so busy and always with each other and talking,

431
00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:39,800
Speaker 4: and then think for yourself, like what.

432
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,199
Speaker 2: Do you actually think when you aren't being forced to

433
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Speaker 2: engage in activities at all times and like adhere to

434
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Speaker 2: whatever the group is saying, and like do what the

435
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,640
Speaker 2: group wants, Like what do you actually think? That's when that,

436
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:55,800
Speaker 2: you know, deprogramming kind of starts to happen.

437
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,159
Speaker 5: And yes, and like another member she's one of my

438
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,800
Speaker 5: best friends where exact for the same age, went to

439
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,879
Speaker 5: high school of college together. Megan Helps Roper, she's another member.

440
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,560
Speaker 5: She's the granddaughter of pastor of friend Phelps, and she's

441
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,520
Speaker 5: a pretty big public speaker too. She just like Ted

442
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:13,280
Speaker 5: Talks and this stuff. She's very great. She's awesome, And

443
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 5: she said, so she's kind of left because she was like, Okay,

444
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,959
Speaker 5: she started doing Twitter, start interacting like you know, those

445
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,560
Speaker 5: hygher profile people and defending their religion because she's very

446
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,399
Speaker 5: good at it. But then like when she got a

447
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,800
Speaker 5: chance to actually have these like overtime, these conversation with people,

448
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,159
Speaker 5: and she like sat with it and processed it, you know,

449
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 5: because with Twitter, it's not of like great this like

450
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,600
Speaker 5: I don't have to answer you right now, like I

451
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,600
Speaker 5: can answer tomorrow, I can answer a couple of hours,

452
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 5: like I have time to process with being said. And

453
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,160
Speaker 5: so she got that, and then she'd be like, wait

454
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,639
Speaker 5: a minute, okay, wait, we do say homosexuals can't repent.

455
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,639
Speaker 5: She's like, but that, how does that make sense? Because

456
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:53,200
Speaker 5: basically were saying that they can't be forgiven. We hold that,

457
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,639
Speaker 5: but then we want them to be forgiven and She's like,

458
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,119
Speaker 5: I know that that's not true either. So it's like

459
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,399
Speaker 5: she she but our mentality, our mantra was just like

460
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,480
Speaker 5: say it, say it, say it, say bold designed whole

461
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 5: the time, do it. There's no time to sit down

462
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,359
Speaker 5: and be like are we freaking right or are we wrong?

463
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,879
Speaker 5: Or are we just got a power struggle? We're just

464
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 5: so yeah. Like her story is very similar to that,

465
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,879
Speaker 5: being exposed to outside influences and actually being able to

466
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 5: sit with it and like we sit down like, Okay,

467
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,800
Speaker 5: I know what I'm supposed to tell you right now,

468
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 5: But do I believe what I'm supposed to tell you

469
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 5: right now? Like right, and I don't. And her story involved.

470
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,720
Speaker 4: Somebody I don't remember exactly, so correct me if I'm wrong,

471
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,040
Speaker 4: but somebody speaking like gently to her. Correct Like people

472
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,359
Speaker 4: engaging in a lot of non confrontation.

473
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, just like attacking her.

474
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,479
Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, yes, that was a huge part of it.

475
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 5: I think it was. He was a Jew. There's a

476
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,880
Speaker 5: Jewish festival every year called jew Delicious. It's in la

477
00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:49,240
Speaker 5: and he was one of the found founders of it,

478
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,240
Speaker 5: and so he's of the Jewish community, and he did

479
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,679
Speaker 5: a lot of like tweeting, and they tweeted back and

480
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 5: forth and she became friends with a bunch of people

481
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,200
Speaker 5: on there, but he was one of the pivotal characters.

482
00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,960
Speaker 5: It was like, I'm not going to be mean to you.

483
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,199
Speaker 5: I'm not going to shame you. I'm out a familiate you.

484
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna simply keep asking you somewhat intriguing questions

485
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 5: and see if you have a response. You know, ryh,

486
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:10,199
Speaker 5: So I love that.

487
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,800
Speaker 2: That's my favorite part of all of this, just like

488
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,359
Speaker 2: hearing the stories of how that crack began, you know,

489
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,000
Speaker 2: where the light kind of begins to show through because

490
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 2: it gives me such hope for so many other people

491
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 2: who are still in this situation. It can be very

492
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 2: easy to feel hopeless about it, but like there is

493
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,239
Speaker 2: that hope is there, But it's just a matter of

494
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,959
Speaker 2: i mean, the right things coming together at the right

495
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,119
Speaker 2: time to give them that space to think for themselves,

496
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,360
Speaker 2: you know, yeah.

497
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,040
Speaker 5: Exactly, Yeah, well fast. It's fascinating to me too, guys

498
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 5: because like we we as members, like me and Megan

499
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 5: we grew up there and I obviously was kicked out

500
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,720
Speaker 5: before she left, but her and I wouldn't be able

501
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,520
Speaker 5: to have that conversation like if we were there. We're

502
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 5: both looking at each to like, what the fuck just happened?

503
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,200
Speaker 5: Why did that person get cap kicked up? Why do

504
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,439
Speaker 5: we hate her brother? Now? We just used to love

505
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,680
Speaker 5: her brother, but her brother left and now we hate him.

506
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 5: We're looking at you like, okay, do you believe this?

507
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,679
Speaker 5: And she's like do you? But we can't say anything

508
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,200
Speaker 5: because if we say anything, we're gonna get kicked out

509
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 5: or can well called something. And so it's just a

510
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,479
Speaker 5: very hard line to walk. Although her Megan and her

511
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,240
Speaker 5: sister Grace, I'm very very close to both both sisters,

512
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 5: they were able to communicate somehow. They they like solidary,

513
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 5: are you doing what I'm saying? And like look at

514
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 5: talk for a second. And they had the bravery and

515
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:28,760
Speaker 5: the courage to be like, let's talk about this. This

516
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:33,240
Speaker 5: seems wrong. There's injustice is happening, there's hypococrisy happening, like

517
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,199
Speaker 5: this is our family, this is our life, but this

518
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,440
Speaker 5: is also like not okay. So it takes a lot

519
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 5: of courage, but they did it. Those two sisters did it,

520
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 5: And I give them a lot of credit because as

521
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,840
Speaker 5: soon as you tell someone that you're thinking something different,

522
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 5: they're gonna go tell on your ass they're gonna go,

523
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 5: and your ass is on the line. And so I

524
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 5: tried a tiny bit with Taylor. So there's a five

525
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 5: year gap, but we were very very close. She's she's

526
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,119
Speaker 5: so freaking intelligent. She's way more intelli, the valedictorian of

527
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:04,400
Speaker 5: her class. She helped me with my college papers while

528
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,200
Speaker 5: she was in high school.

529
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,040
Speaker 2: She's just wow.

530
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 5: And so when our age gap started to close as

531
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,600
Speaker 5: we were teenagers, because she was so you know, on

532
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 5: my level that I was like I would share shit

533
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,159
Speaker 5: with her sometimes and I was like, hey, Taylor, what

534
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 5: about this? And she's like, oh no, Like I wouldn't

535
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 5: do that. I wouldn't think that. Like we talked about

536
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 5: her dad, and she was always like, you know, very

537
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,240
Speaker 5: fly under the radar, Like that's not who we do.

538
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,400
Speaker 5: We go the line. And she's very obedient, incredibly obedient

539
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,160
Speaker 5: human and very just sensitive and soft and just she's

540
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 5: a beautiful human. But I'm just very different, Like I'm

541
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 5: just like I don't understand, that doesn't make sense. I'm rebellious,

542
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,720
Speaker 5: I'm curious, I'm stupid, Like I want to learn the

543
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:47,960
Speaker 5: hard way every time, and so I learned the hard

544
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:48,640
Speaker 5: way every time.

545
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:55,080
Speaker 4: So thank God, I mean, yeah, yeah, God, no stupid nurses.

546
00:25:55,119 --> 00:26:00,520
Speaker 5: Also, we must we must say it's amazing. Yeah, I'm so.

547
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 4: I'm so inspired by your story and just it reminds

548
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,359
Speaker 4: me a little love. When we interviewed that girl who

549
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 4: was the woman who wrote the book about growing up

550
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,880
Speaker 4: on the mountain, Alicia, but how she was just like

551
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,879
Speaker 4: inside of me was a flower that was always growing

552
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,560
Speaker 4: towards the light, even if I couldn't see it or no,

553
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 4: and I don't know, it's just it's so beautiful to

554
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 4: think of it that way.

555
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,120
Speaker 5: And you know, guys, when I left, we there wasn't

556
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 5: Netflix about colts, like there was so here. Here's my confusion, right,

557
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 5: I left because I was like, there's no other life.

558
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 5: I'm the only person that's ever left a colt. Like

559
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 5: everything's over, My life's over. And now I'm like there's

560
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 5: colts everywhere, all overwhere. Yeah, that's all the world is.

561
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 5: So I would I would hope, and I would hope

562
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 5: that like it gives people that are stuck inside a

563
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 5: religious cult some hope and like, oh, like maybe I'm

564
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 5: part of that, or maybe I can leave, or maybe

565
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,919
Speaker 5: I can live a different life, and maybe maybe it's not.

566
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 5: I shouldn't be stuck in this peer based mindset, you know,

567
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 5: because it's like there's there's encourage it right, there's inspo,

568
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,439
Speaker 5: there's mentors, there's now public speakers that have left and

569
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 5: they're surviving and thriving. I was before I left that

570
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 5: you will die a horrible disease. You'll get hit by

571
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:15,640
Speaker 5: a car. God will kill you. So like, not only

572
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 5: when you leave you're losing everything else, but I will

573
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 5: die Like I'm I'm going to die in carks and

574
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 5: I'm going to die by cancer. I'm going to die

575
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,640
Speaker 5: by something. And so I'm constantly walking around just about

576
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 5: eggshells with myself, with no one else yelling at me.

577
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,880
Speaker 5: I'm just like I'm a piece of shit.

578
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,240
Speaker 3: Trust Me is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

579
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,400
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580
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582
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590
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602
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603
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Speaker 2: to know a little bit more about like what that

604
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 2: time like right after I mean, you were dropped off

605
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 2: at a motel, right, Yeah, you're twenty two years old,

606
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 2: and they told you you're out because you talked to

607
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 2: a boy, and like, so what did you do?

608
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,840
Speaker 5: What next? I honestly. Okay, yeah, so you got to remember,

609
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 5: I'm like a sixteen year old night person, Like I

610
00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 5: really did you know what about your typical twenty one

611
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 5: year old. I've never had a drink, I've never gone

612
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 5: to a date, and I go out, like I stayed

613
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,880
Speaker 5: at home tours with the kids. So I was used

614
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 5: to a lifestyle of like I watched the three and

615
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,760
Speaker 5: five year old at home, you know, and I do

616
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 5: chores that kind of twenty year old. So when I left, like,

617
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 5: I'm devastated, right because my heart is at home, my babies,

618
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 5: like the three and five year old Boe in faith.

619
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 5: That was my life and so I got separated from that.

620
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 5: So I was like, Okay, I have so much time

621
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 5: on my hands. I've never had time before. I've never

622
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 5: had the ability to choose what I do throughout my day,

623
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 5: Like it's always structured. You're going to do this tour,

624
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:31,400
Speaker 5: You're going to go to church, you're going to go

625
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,960
Speaker 5: to work. And so I was just like felt very

626
00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,440
Speaker 5: frozen with it. But then I was like, Okay, I

627
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 5: know I want my family back. I know I want

628
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,840
Speaker 5: to be forgiven. I know if I messed up that

629
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 5: maybe this is a punishment I need I'm deserving of.

630
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 5: So I just like literally I went to CBS. I

631
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,520
Speaker 5: think I got this huge poster board. I wrote down

632
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 5: like everything I'm sorry for in big letters. I put

633
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,719
Speaker 5: it in front of me, and I like laid down

634
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,080
Speaker 5: and it just prayed. I prayed all day for like

635
00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 5: two to three days, like just I don't know where

636
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,120
Speaker 5: I need to Oh, help me find a path. Uh,

637
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 5: I'm sorry for what I've done. Like I'm so simple,

638
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 5: I'm so sorry, And I just prayed. I say, God,

639
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,040
Speaker 5: please show me a place to go. Please show me

640
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 5: where I need to be. Please show me, like where

641
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 5: if you know, I need to second chance. I don't

642
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:16,520
Speaker 5: know what else to do with my.

643
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 2: Life, like in a motel you're doing this.

644
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,280
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah. I didn't have a friend. I didn't have

645
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,520
Speaker 5: friends because we weren't really supposed to associate people on

646
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:26,800
Speaker 5: the outside. So I granted I did. I was did

647
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:28,760
Speaker 5: have a job. I had a full time job as

648
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,800
Speaker 5: a nurse at the hospital, and so I knew my coworkers,

649
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 5: but we had never hung out outside of works. And

650
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 5: I was a very weird, like I was that weird

651
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 5: cult girl, you know. I wasn't like a cool coworker.

652
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 5: I was like, oh no, I wasn't a cool cult girl.

653
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 4: I was a weird.

654
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 5: So I didn't even know how to like relate to

655
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 5: my coworkers. What am I gonna say? I know? So

656
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 5: I think I think what ended up happening for me

657
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 5: after that? I you know, I threw my whole self

658
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 5: into work, right, So I knew that I could be

659
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 5: a good nurse and you can make money, and I

660
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,560
Speaker 5: knew it was productive and I knew it wasn't simple.

661
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 5: So I was like, Okay, this is what I got

662
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 5: to do, this is my calling. And I just would

663
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 5: work five, six, seven days a week, and I would

664
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 5: work so much that my manager my chargers had to

665
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 5: call me out because there's only so many hours you

666
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 5: could work as a nurse that's like legally allowed, and

667
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 5: they were always under staffed. So it was like, I'll

668
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 5: take the shift. I'll take the shift, and like for

669
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,840
Speaker 5: a while, they kind of let me slide and take

670
00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 5: six shifts a week and stuff, because I was like,

671
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 5: I have nothing to do, I'm going to go home

672
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 5: and cry, and yeah, they would just send me home,

673
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 5: like Lauren, you can work twenty four hours. You need

674
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:33,959
Speaker 5: to get your ass out of here.

675
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 3: Wow.

676
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,320
Speaker 5: So I threw myself into work for a good six

677
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,720
Speaker 5: months and that became like my salvation and my steady,

678
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,920
Speaker 5: like keeping me afloat. And you know, I worked. I

679
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 5: lived in this shitty shipbox furnished apartment, and I just

680
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 5: I ate TV dinners every night, got up, went to

681
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,640
Speaker 5: work again. Then I realized right around six months I

682
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 5: did okay, So I wasn't aware that, Like I knew

683
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,200
Speaker 5: depression is a thing, but I didn't know to look

684
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,280
Speaker 5: out for it myself because if Church always said when

685
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,320
Speaker 5: you're when you're not doing things, that means are just

686
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 5: like a lazy pieces shit. So I was just like, yeah,

687
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 5: So even though I knew like it was a thing,

688
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,640
Speaker 5: like right, I learned in nursing school, there's depression, there's anxiety,

689
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 5: blah blah blah blah, I didn't pick up on it

690
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 5: on myself. So what happened was I started to shift

691
00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:27,960
Speaker 5: into depress a major depressive episode. But I wasn't like

692
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:29,400
Speaker 5: picking up on it and I didn't know how to

693
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 5: fix it. So yeah, I would just like, so I

694
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 5: went from full work to burnout, Like I was burnt

695
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 5: out and I just stopped showing up for work. I

696
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,040
Speaker 5: stopped checking my schedule, I stopped talking to my workers,

697
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,360
Speaker 5: I stopped answering to my phone, and they're like, yo,

698
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,720
Speaker 5: like you did like one or two no shows at work,

699
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 5: Like you're gonna get fired, Like you have to come in,

700
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 5: Like we think that maybe there's you need to seek

701
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 5: somebody for therapy or mental health because we're worried about you.

702
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,720
Speaker 5: And I was just like, oh God, I'm gonna lose

703
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 5: my life, like like my my job. That means I'm

704
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 5: gonna lose my place and these everything. So then I

705
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 5: like I ended up calling and my manager and I

706
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 5: talked to her and said, here's the deal. I realized

707
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 5: I can't go to work and not be depressed because

708
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,200
Speaker 5: my ex best friend worked there. She was my coworker,

709
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,040
Speaker 5: and she was so mean to me at work that

710
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 5: I was getting getting aimed she's at work, like having

711
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 5: panic attacks at work. So what she did was this

712
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 5: is how cruel of a person she turned out to be.

713
00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 5: I think she was a great person before all this,

714
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,600
Speaker 5: but she made some cruel choices. And one of them

715
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 5: was when I was at work, I'd already been separated

716
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 5: from my family for like three or four months, and

717
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,320
Speaker 5: I was already depressed about it, and I was already

718
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 5: I was trying to come actively come home, writing letters,

719
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,520
Speaker 5: sending texts, whatever, I call my mom. I got the

720
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 5: courage to call my mom and say, hey, Mom, it's

721
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,360
Speaker 5: been a couple months. Can I come home for dinner

722
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 5: and let's just have like a Bible study over dinner, like,

723
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 5: let me come home. And she heard me because she

724
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,760
Speaker 5: was my coworker and she's in the same nursing lounge.

725
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 5: So she got on the phone. She called my dad

726
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 5: and said, Lauren's trying to manipulate her way back into

727
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 5: the church. I witnessed it. If you let her come home,

728
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 5: I'll call tell the church. So she literally prevented me

729
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 5: from having My mom said, yes, I was on my

730
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,759
Speaker 5: way home. I haven't seen them like three or four

731
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 5: I haven't seen my siblings in three or four months.

732
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:15,000
Speaker 5: Like I was freaking depressed, and she's like she stopped

733
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,839
Speaker 5: it from happening. My dad called me back. He said,

734
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,279
Speaker 5: jayl said, you're trying to stir up strike at work.

735
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,960
Speaker 5: The coworkers are listening to your conversations because you are

736
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,600
Speaker 5: too loud about it. We can't let you come home

737
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 5: to dinner. So I was like, oh my god, my

738
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 5: life is over that. So I told my okay, this

739
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 5: go back to the manager. So I told the manager, listen,

740
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 5: my coworkers making my life living. Hell. I'm already already

741
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 5: depressed and now I'm doing the no show. Think can

742
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 5: you guys do me a favor? I think I want

743
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 5: to move away from Tatika, Kansas, this ship box of

744
00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 5: a city. Hopefully you guys still still live there, but Kansas.

745
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 5: I was like, I got to get out of here.

746
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 5: This is not good for my mental health. And so

747
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,640
Speaker 5: I said they had done this thing where when you

748
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 5: sign up and get a sign on books, so for

749
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 5: two years you have to work for the hospital and

750
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,000
Speaker 5: the department and if you don't, you give it back.

751
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,879
Speaker 5: Well I was not. I I was now burning through

752
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 5: my savings and everything living in a new place. And

753
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,360
Speaker 5: I was like, listen, I can't. I can't abord to

754
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 5: give you my the five thousand ars signum bonus back.

755
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,879
Speaker 5: But I worked for years I could. Can you guys

756
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,120
Speaker 5: cut me some slack. I'm very afraid that I'm either

757
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 5: going to get too depressed to show up for work

758
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 5: or something else bad's going to happen. I need to

759
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,200
Speaker 5: get away from these people, and I would burn into there.

760
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,319
Speaker 5: There would be protesting on the streets as I would

761
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,720
Speaker 5: go go to the grocery store, like I was always

762
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,800
Speaker 5: running into them everywhere, and so I was just like

763
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,319
Speaker 5: I got to get out. And they're like listen, yes,

764
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,080
Speaker 5: like we've see what's going on with you. We see

765
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,560
Speaker 5: what we've seen how they terrorize everyone in our city,

766
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:44,400
Speaker 5: like where we understand, like, well, we'll waive this for you.

767
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:46,279
Speaker 5: You don't have to give it back, and you're a

768
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 5: great nurse, and yes, absolutely, So I was just like, oh,

769
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,840
Speaker 5: thank god. So that was like my saving grace and

770
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:53,359
Speaker 5: that was my ticket out of there. I'm like, I'm

771
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 5: out of two big pants because I went. I ended

772
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,279
Speaker 5: up living in Connecticut for a while. That's where I

773
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 5: ended up meeting my husband and stuff like that. But

774
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 5: I need it.

775
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:04,279
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'm so glad you did.

776
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:09,960
Speaker 5: Holy shit, so impressive. That is a journey for you know, yeah,

777
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,320
Speaker 5: like we said, shakespeare An almost it's huge.

778
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,360
Speaker 2: So can you tell us a little bit about your

779
00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 2: life now? Because you are like the most fit person

780
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:23,480
Speaker 2: I've ever seen. My boyfriend does he's a like an

781
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 2: amateur bodybuilder or whatever, and we were looking at you like,

782
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, this is such a good shape.

783
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:34,320
Speaker 5: Oh my god. So yeah, I got obsessed with fitness

784
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 5: when I when I turned twenty eight. I had never

785
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,800
Speaker 5: really been a big gymoholic. I mean, I would you

786
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,040
Speaker 5: like Scaremaster randomly You're like a sit up here and there.

787
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 5: Like I didn't know how to train it all. And

788
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,520
Speaker 5: then one day, like Instagram, I saw these girls were

789
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,959
Speaker 5: on doing these fitness bikini shows and I started seeing

790
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,880
Speaker 5: their photos and I was like, dude, how do you

791
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 5: look like that? Like how do you get that body?

792
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:01,840
Speaker 5: And I started in research and I found like trainers

793
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 5: and coaches, and I was like, that's what I want

794
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 5: one time in my life to be like in the

795
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,800
Speaker 5: finish shape of my life. Like I think that's strong

796
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,120
Speaker 5: and seckly, and it's like it's just confidence, right, Yeah,

797
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 5: So I did. I signed up, and I got really

798
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,600
Speaker 5: addicted to the process because I didn't realize that all

799
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,840
Speaker 5: it takes is just disciplined to your food and you

800
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:20,960
Speaker 5: could get you can look sick in like twelve weeks.

801
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:22,960
Speaker 5: You know, you really do have to stick to it.

802
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 5: But if you stick to a program, you'll get in

803
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 5: freaking sick. Shape in like twelve weeks. So that was

804
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,839
Speaker 5: my first show, and I was like, oh my god,

805
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,640
Speaker 5: Like if to me it felt like I had like

806
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:34,839
Speaker 5: control back in my life. Like there's lots of things

807
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,200
Speaker 5: a time I couldn't control that. I didn't have my parents,

808
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,920
Speaker 5: I didn't have my siblings, I didn't have my family

809
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,320
Speaker 5: like I, but I had this, like this is this

810
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 5: made me feel powerful, This made me feel confident. I had,

811
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,120
Speaker 5: you know, obviously suffered some mental issues, so I didn't

812
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,200
Speaker 5: have a really strong sense of self or a strong

813
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,359
Speaker 5: sense of like loving myself for a really long time.

814
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,520
Speaker 5: So I needed for a long time. I think the

815
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 5: external valid nation was very good to me. But then

816
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,760
Speaker 5: I fell in love with the actual therapy of working

817
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,359
Speaker 5: out like I to this day, I get moody if

818
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:09,120
Speaker 5: I don't work out like I genuinely am not as

819
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 5: good as a human. Yeah, so I do it. Yes, esthetically,

820
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 5: I love looking a certain way, but I would say

821
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 5: the nude and the regulating of my energy is also

822
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,879
Speaker 5: very important for me. I get I get like any

823
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:23,400
Speaker 5: type of negative pent of energy out, and it's a

824
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:26,560
Speaker 5: lot more easier to not be depressed, to not be anxious,

825
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:28,680
Speaker 5: to not get a panic attack, Like, I just feel

826
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,360
Speaker 5: like it moves the energies of the body. And so

827
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 5: I've kind of made it my lifestyle and then on

828
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 5: top of that, I made it a career. So I'm like, well,

829
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 5: I gotta state it because otherwise people are gonna be like,

830
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,239
Speaker 5: how the hell are you?

831
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love I love that idea that like when

832
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 2: you you're coming out of a situation like that, there's

833
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 2: like you don't know what what to hold on to,

834
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,440
Speaker 2: you don't know it. I can imagine how much you

835
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 2: much I felt like you have no control of your life.

836
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 2: Your body is like the one thing that if everything

837
00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:06,560
Speaker 2: else is fucked up, Like you can actually control your body.

838
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,200
Speaker 2: And obviously there are unhealthy ways.

839
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:08,320
Speaker 5: To do that.

840
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 4: I was gonna say, she chose the good I did

841
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,879
Speaker 4: not very bad.

842
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can also do eating disorders, but it totally.

843
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, I had one. I had one in a little

844
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:26,239
Speaker 5: period of time, so mine I didn't last for long.

845
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:30,520
Speaker 5: And I think I'm very prone to addict like addictive personality,

846
00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 5: you know, addictive things, right, whether it's addicted to fitness,

847
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 5: addicted to eating a certain way, whatever. But I would

848
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 5: say when I got in the fitness competitions, and that's

849
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 5: why I kind of distanced myself competing because it's such

850
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 5: a it's such a ridiculously low body fat, and it's

851
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:48,680
Speaker 5: such a ridiculously unattainable, non stop way to look and

852
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,320
Speaker 5: feel that I in order to keep it going, like

853
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:54,919
Speaker 5: I think I did, I competed NonStop for about two years.

854
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:56,680
Speaker 5: So you're doing a show every like a couple of

855
00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 5: weeks or every couple of months.

856
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:00,279
Speaker 2: Wow, I I was.

857
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 5: I got so obsessive, like not even really consciously obsessed it,

858
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:07,080
Speaker 5: but I would like, eat a donut and throw it up,

859
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:08,560
Speaker 5: Eat a donut and then throw it up, like I

860
00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,480
Speaker 5: would do this kind of stuff. And then one day

861
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:12,320
Speaker 5: I was like, wait a minute, like that wasn't just

862
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,200
Speaker 5: a mistake or a tummy that was like I made

863
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:17,160
Speaker 5: a decision, and I keep making the same decision. Now

864
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,880
Speaker 5: it's a phoeboll pattern, Like this is not right. And

865
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,400
Speaker 5: I remember thinking like, oh, I got into this for

866
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 5: health and fitness. I got into this for confidence and strength,

867
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:27,920
Speaker 5: and now all of a sudden, I feel like I

868
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 5: lost my strength and lost my control and now I

869
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:35,040
Speaker 5: feel shame and discussed and like, you know, I actually

870
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,800
Speaker 5: physically feels kind of sick because your pipe starts to

871
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 5: hurt and stuff like that. It only went on, I

872
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:44,040
Speaker 5: would say, a couple months, but it was going on

873
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 5: at work. It was at work, so I was working

874
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 5: in a nursing unit, and the nurses would always bring

875
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:55,279
Speaker 5: every day for no fucking reason. There's yeah, every day,

876
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:57,879
Speaker 5: every day there's donuts and cookies, and like, where else

877
00:40:57,920 --> 00:40:59,880
Speaker 5: in the world are you constantly exposed to jonas of

878
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 5: maybe duck in donuts. That's it. I was so I

879
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:06,399
Speaker 5: was so good at my at my diet. I brought

880
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,120
Speaker 5: all three of my meals every single day. I had

881
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:10,960
Speaker 5: them prepped, I had them weighed, they were ready to go.

882
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:12,839
Speaker 5: I wasn't gonna eat shit. I had like a couple

883
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,840
Speaker 5: of like protein bars if I got like, you know,

884
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:17,359
Speaker 5: a little craving here and there. But I was good

885
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:19,400
Speaker 5: and I was fine, except for when they bring the

886
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 5: donuts in. Every time I brought the donuts, and I

887
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,800
Speaker 5: would even en purge. And I was so ashamed about

888
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 5: this because I'm like, what the fuck, Like I lost

889
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 5: my control and I feel like I'm it's not even nothing,

890
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,640
Speaker 5: it's not my fault, but like I didn't expose myself

891
00:41:32,719 --> 00:41:35,440
Speaker 5: to this temptation. I keep getting re exposed to it,

892
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 5: and I was so angry about it that, like I

893
00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:40,239
Speaker 5: wouldn't binge and purge on my days off, I only

894
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:43,399
Speaker 5: didn't work. And then I started getting pissed off about

895
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 5: working in the nursing lounge and I started avoiding the

896
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,640
Speaker 5: nurse lounge, I waiting to eat there anymore, like it

897
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,040
Speaker 5: was a whole thing. But then I remember telling my

898
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,240
Speaker 5: husband one day, like, this is a this is a disorder,

899
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:54,360
Speaker 5: this is a full blown disorder. I feel super ashamed.

900
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 5: I didn't ask for this. We got to come up

901
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,120
Speaker 5: with something, and you know, we started coming up with

902
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:01,200
Speaker 5: a plan ourselves, and at the time actually just happened

903
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:03,279
Speaker 5: to be at the same exact time in my life

904
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,840
Speaker 5: where I was transitioning from full full time nursing to

905
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 5: part time prettyum nursing. So I was able to like

906
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:12,440
Speaker 5: limit my exposure to that and I ended up just

907
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 5: just like correcting my ways and I didn't I didn't

908
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:18,840
Speaker 5: end up competing too much longer, but I stopped it.

909
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:20,480
Speaker 5: I was like, I didn't. I did not get it

910
00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:24,400
Speaker 5: into this to create either an eating disorder myself or

911
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,600
Speaker 5: other people. And I don't want to be the face

912
00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 5: of something and make someone else have a disorder like

913
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,400
Speaker 5: that is that's gross to me, Like I would if

914
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 5: I if I earned this body, that's fine, But I

915
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 5: want to earn it to an eating disorder and then

916
00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:40,320
Speaker 5: make other people do that same shit, you know. So

917
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:43,320
Speaker 5: after that, I talked about it. I talked about it

918
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,279
Speaker 5: to my talk about to my clients. And I have

919
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 5: a lot of clients that are recovering either binge and

920
00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:51,880
Speaker 5: purge or anarexia disorder, a lot of anarexia that come

921
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 5: to me and we get them back on board. We

922
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,439
Speaker 5: get them excited about weight training, We get them excited

923
00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,160
Speaker 5: about building muscle, excited about eating food again. Like it's

924
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:03,960
Speaker 5: a whole journey. It's actually it's therapy. It's a like actually,

925
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,399
Speaker 5: like when I went to my Aahuasca ceremony, a bunch

926
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:09,719
Speaker 5: of the people, not a bunch, but a decent percentage

927
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:12,800
Speaker 5: of twenty thirty percent people have struggled eating disorders and

928
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,440
Speaker 5: they had gone to every rehab you can talk about

929
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,200
Speaker 5: or whatever, and it was it was an internal thing

930
00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 5: that they need to heal, and like plant medicine was

931
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:24,320
Speaker 5: helping them heal from it. Like one of the shaman

932
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 5: that helped me recover. She had been a baalimic for

933
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 5: like twenty years or something, and she you know, did

934
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 5: several ceremonies. She haded becoming a shaman. She couldn't get

935
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:39,319
Speaker 5: pregnant because of her eating disorders, like it was throwing

936
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:45,000
Speaker 5: her hormones all off. So she she she did her ceremonies,

937
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 5: she healed what was you know, going on inside for her?

938
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:49,840
Speaker 5: For her, it was like stemming from like a sexual

939
00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 5: abuse and physical verbal abuse that she hadn't healed in

940
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,439
Speaker 5: a long time. And then once she healed the inner part,

941
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:58,759
Speaker 5: she started to like heal her outer part and she

942
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:04,040
Speaker 5: ended up getting pregnant with me. Really is a really well,

943
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:05,560
Speaker 5: very powerful story.

944
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,680
Speaker 4: We definitely want to do an episode on eating disorders.

945
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:13,320
Speaker 4: I want to interview the woman who helped me recover,

946
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 4: who's helped a lot of people recover, because I think

947
00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:19,400
Speaker 4: there are occult And I also cannot let you go

948
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,480
Speaker 4: without asking you what you learned on your ayahuasca ceremony,

949
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:24,080
Speaker 4: Like what did.

950
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,759
Speaker 5: You see what helped you heal? What?

951
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:27,719
Speaker 4: What what helped about that?

952
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:33,040
Speaker 5: So ayahuasca for those who don't know plant medicine, what's

953
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,359
Speaker 5: supposed to help you with a lot of the time

954
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 5: is to see like past traumas that you've hidden, your

955
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,600
Speaker 5: ego that has is that it helped protect you. Right,

956
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:44,839
Speaker 5: your ego serves as a purpose to protect you when

957
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 5: you're not when you're not protectable. But then at some

958
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 5: point it becomes it disturbs you, like it goes into

959
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:54,840
Speaker 5: overdrive or whatever. So for me, the plant medicine, I

960
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,280
Speaker 5: was fight fighting the medicine. My ego was for two hours,

961
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 5: so that it's the ceremony about six hours, and you

962
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:04,880
Speaker 5: kind of just like hallucinate. You see visions of your trauma.

963
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:07,520
Speaker 5: You see visions of who you're supposed to become. You

964
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 5: see visions of how you're supposed to love better, forgive more.

965
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 5: How you can release the pain of like anger towards someone,

966
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:21,440
Speaker 5: or sadness towards any traumatic thing. You can release it

967
00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:24,279
Speaker 5: from your body like physically or releases. So I was

968
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 5: able to see. I saw that. I once I finally

969
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 5: gave into the medicine to two hours, I was very,

970
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:33,600
Speaker 5: very scared because I've been highly controlled by everyone in

971
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 5: my life, so I don't trust anyone at all. I

972
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:40,600
Speaker 5: don't trust Shamans, I don't trust that. Basically, I thought

973
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:42,320
Speaker 5: it was part of another cult. As soon as the

974
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:45,160
Speaker 5: medicine started hitting, you start hallucinating like you're out of control.

975
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:47,960
Speaker 5: There's nothing you can do control what you see, what

976
00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:51,600
Speaker 5: you feel. It is beyond any any powerful thing you've

977
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 5: ever experienced in life. You have to submit, if you

978
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 5: don't take a deep breath and just say, okay, stop

979
00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 5: trying to stop, to go, yeah, let's go. So it

980
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,400
Speaker 5: took two hours to do that. Then I saw myself

981
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,360
Speaker 5: as a tiny little baby, like in a bassinet, and

982
00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:07,319
Speaker 5: like in a bird's eye, use you see the whole

983
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,479
Speaker 5: world right, like the planet, you see a little tiny

984
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:12,840
Speaker 5: crib a baby. And then I saw that everyone just

985
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 5: started pulling away from me. And I always thought I

986
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 5: was alone my whole life, like everyone just disowned me,

987
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:22,640
Speaker 5: abandoned me, pulled away and hated me, and I just

988
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,719
Speaker 5: was this baby. There was just like why could why

989
00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 5: woman one picked me up? Why wouln't even hold me?

990
00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:34,080
Speaker 5: And then I saw that like that mother Ayahuasca, mother Nature, God, universe,

991
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,120
Speaker 5: just like put our hands out like this and she

992
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:38,439
Speaker 5: wrapped me and she said, I've had you this whole time,

993
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:41,040
Speaker 5: when everyone else you thought abandoned you, I had you,

994
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 5: like I had you. I had you with nature, I

995
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:46,600
Speaker 5: had you spiritually. I've been watching over you. The angels

996
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,000
Speaker 5: have been watching over you, like everybody's been here for you,

997
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:51,400
Speaker 5: and you just didn't know it and you had to

998
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:54,080
Speaker 5: fight for yourself because you thought no one else was here.

999
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,000
Speaker 5: But we were here the whole time. I felt like

1000
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:59,880
Speaker 5: love enveloped my whole body. I felt like forgiveness. I

1001
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:02,440
Speaker 5: felt like I and then I saw so during that

1002
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 5: little baby like flipped into different people. So then it

1003
00:47:04,719 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 5: flipped into my mom as a little baby, and my

1004
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 5: dad is a little baby, and how she felt she

1005
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:12,000
Speaker 5: felt alone in her life, and then my dad felt

1006
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:14,480
Speaker 5: so alone in his life, and that every one of

1007
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 5: us is just a little baby that was hurt, you know.

1008
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:20,320
Speaker 5: And I was like, oh my God, like that I

1009
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:22,320
Speaker 5: should forgive them. They've been through the same shit that

1010
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 5: I've been through, you know. So that was one of

1011
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:27,520
Speaker 5: the most pivotal moments, Like I saw love, forgiveness, I

1012
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:32,560
Speaker 5: saw who I'm supposed to be. Yeah, And the second

1013
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:34,840
Speaker 5: ceremony I had, I saw like the vision was a

1014
00:47:34,960 --> 00:47:37,479
Speaker 5: beam of light between our chests. So like I still

1015
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,080
Speaker 5: had a broken relationship with them at that time, and

1016
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 5: we hadn't fully healed. We've been talking, but it wasn't

1017
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:45,359
Speaker 5: fully fixed. I feel like I still hadn't forgiven them

1018
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 5: all the way. And I just saw like a beam

1019
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 5: of lighte from my heart to their heart, just like

1020
00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 5: if you fucking forget everything, forget religion, forget like division,

1021
00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:59,880
Speaker 5: like forget the past, forget just like I love you,

1022
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:01,759
Speaker 5: you love me. That's it. That's all we need to know.

1023
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:06,759
Speaker 5: Fucking fuck history, fuck memories, all of it. Like I

1024
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:09,600
Speaker 5: love you, you love me, and that's it, Like that's

1025
00:48:09,719 --> 00:48:11,880
Speaker 5: if I could just show you that without having to

1026
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 5: explained it to you in a million words, you would

1027
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:16,480
Speaker 5: put your guard down and you just accept love and

1028
00:48:16,560 --> 00:48:18,799
Speaker 5: accept light and that we can do that for each other,

1029
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:20,960
Speaker 5: like we can. We could be that light for each

1030
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 5: other and everything else is just bullshit. And so I

1031
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:27,040
Speaker 5: saw that. I saw it between me and my mom,

1032
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 5: me and my sisters, siblings, me and my brother, and

1033
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 5: I felt so relieved because I was like, I don't

1034
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:36,200
Speaker 5: have to over I don't have to overcome this big

1035
00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:40,600
Speaker 5: bully of like explaining why I live the way I live,

1036
00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:43,840
Speaker 5: or explaining why we weren't together, Like it feels like

1037
00:48:43,920 --> 00:48:47,160
Speaker 5: this mountain that I could never ever get over and

1038
00:48:47,320 --> 00:48:50,360
Speaker 5: it's just it just is, that's it. Can we just

1039
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 5: let our guards down and stop me massholes? And that's wow.

1040
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:59,719
Speaker 2: Wow, you're reminding me how much I want to do iowaka,

1041
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:00,480
Speaker 2: I know.

1042
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's a journey, so be prepared. But I also

1043
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:08,080
Speaker 5: got to let go a lot of fears. One of

1044
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,000
Speaker 5: the things I also saw. So it's a purging experience too,

1045
00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:15,040
Speaker 5: So you have things trapped in you can be trauma, fear, pain, whatever.

1046
00:49:15,239 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 5: So as I was purging into my bucket, I saw

1047
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 5: the words like fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear

1048
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:25,120
Speaker 5: of rejection. They came out of my body and it

1049
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:28,000
Speaker 5: was black and it was gross. And the girl next

1050
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:29,799
Speaker 5: to me says she, because you know, it's a very

1051
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 5: spiritual experience. You're seeing things like but you also like

1052
00:49:33,239 --> 00:49:35,839
Speaker 5: feel things and sometimes you see each other's visions at

1053
00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:39,040
Speaker 5: the same time. It's very bizarre. She saw like some

1054
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 5: dark energy come out of my body. Like when I purged,

1055
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:45,000
Speaker 5: it was like like rage or anger or fear just

1056
00:49:45,080 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 5: came right out of me. And I kept purging these

1057
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:51,360
Speaker 5: fears and I didn't even know these were my fears.

1058
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:53,839
Speaker 5: I thought I was like this big strong woman. It's

1059
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 5: so fit and I'm so strong and blah blah blah,

1060
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:59,040
Speaker 5: And I was like, whoa dude, Like I'm a fearful person,

1061
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 5: Like look at it, look at what's coming out of me.

1062
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:02,759
Speaker 5: Like I had like ten different futures. I had to

1063
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 5: like journal them down and write them down, and I've

1064
00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:07,480
Speaker 5: been working on them like for two years since. So

1065
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:12,960
Speaker 5: it's it's very eye opening, it's powerful, it's healing, it's

1066
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:15,040
Speaker 5: it has you have to be open like to it,

1067
00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 5: because your ego will fight it if you're not, Yeah,

1068
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,399
Speaker 5: but your ego will get dissolved and I'll break you down.

1069
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 5: Like it's it's I think every human could benefit from it,

1070
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 5: but definitely someone who's really struggling a dysfunctional partner life

1071
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,640
Speaker 5: where it just the same thing isn't working for them anymore.

1072
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,239
Speaker 4: Did it need to Did they get rid of your

1073
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:34,759
Speaker 4: fear of hell?

1074
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:38,000
Speaker 5: Of hell? Oh, that's a good question. I didn't see

1075
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,880
Speaker 5: a fear of hell in there, but I had a

1076
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,160
Speaker 5: fear of cults that was still in there, and so

1077
00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:48,120
Speaker 5: when that came out. Since it's a lot of process,

1078
00:50:48,160 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 5: it's not like you could just pick it up and

1079
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:52,239
Speaker 5: throw it in the trash, like it takes work to

1080
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,640
Speaker 5: get past this. So I saw it and I was like, oh,

1081
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 5: I can't. I'm not ready for my next ceremony because

1082
00:50:56,800 --> 00:51:00,719
Speaker 5: this particular location does force running is in a row,

1083
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 5: so each night is a ceremony. So I did one ceremony.

1084
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:05,000
Speaker 5: I was like, dude, give me too much information. I

1085
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:07,839
Speaker 5: can't have anymore tonight after care. Yeah, and then when

1086
00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 5: I saw that I'm afraid afraid of colts and I

1087
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:12,360
Speaker 5: got it in my head that this might be another cult,

1088
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:15,560
Speaker 5: I left. I was like, I just need time to

1089
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:20,560
Speaker 5: process this. So, yeah, I saw the cult, but I

1090
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:23,359
Speaker 5: didn't see hell interesting. Yeah.

1091
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:27,239
Speaker 2: I think what I'm hearing from you over and over

1092
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:31,480
Speaker 2: again is that you are like constantly like looking inward

1093
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:35,400
Speaker 2: and like trying to understand yourself and be really mindful

1094
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:37,800
Speaker 2: of why you're making the choices that you're making, and

1095
00:51:37,960 --> 00:51:41,759
Speaker 2: like trying to constantly interrogate yourself. And I think that's

1096
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:44,719
Speaker 2: a really, really rare quality. It sounds like ayahuasca is

1097
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:47,360
Speaker 2: helpful with that, but like that is what I'm always

1098
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:49,880
Speaker 2: aspiring to do as well, Like, Okay, why am I

1099
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:51,839
Speaker 2: doing this? Is this what I really want? Are these

1100
00:51:51,880 --> 00:51:55,080
Speaker 2: the right reasons? Am I just going Is it just

1101
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,680
Speaker 2: the baby in me that's like making this choice for me?

1102
00:51:57,800 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 5: You know?

1103
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 2: And I just think that's so amazing that you've been

1104
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,600
Speaker 2: doing that for for so long now.

1105
00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, thank you. Yeah, everyone has that you

1106
00:52:06,520 --> 00:52:08,040
Speaker 5: have that you have the strength to do it, church

1107
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,440
Speaker 5: to do it. And every one of us has a

1108
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:11,360
Speaker 5: little girl or a little boy inside of us that

1109
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,080
Speaker 5: that's who's hurting, and we want to protect them, and

1110
00:52:14,239 --> 00:52:17,680
Speaker 5: that's why we have these defense mechanisms, these coping mechanisms,

1111
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:20,480
Speaker 5: and so some of them help us, but some of

1112
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:23,400
Speaker 5: them start to get in our lives and cause dysfunction.

1113
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,320
Speaker 5: And once you get to that point where you're like, Okay,

1114
00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:28,600
Speaker 5: I either need to step up and figure out how

1115
00:52:28,600 --> 00:52:30,480
Speaker 5: to find my intuition. I need to step up, figure

1116
00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:32,600
Speaker 5: out how to be more decisive. I need to figure

1117
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,840
Speaker 5: out why I'm in the same abusive cycle with somebody.

1118
00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:38,200
Speaker 5: Like That's where I was at, Like I just I

1119
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:41,919
Speaker 5: nothing that I else I was doing was breaking me through.

1120
00:52:42,120 --> 00:52:44,360
Speaker 5: It's just like no no amount of books was helping me.

1121
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:48,320
Speaker 5: I needed something more powerful. And it's like the biggest

1122
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:53,480
Speaker 5: it's like the biggest bullshit cutter in the world. It's basically,

1123
00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:56,960
Speaker 5: it's basically like your mind. Your mind is calling your

1124
00:52:57,080 --> 00:53:01,080
Speaker 5: own bullshit out on you. Yeah, yes, it's crazy.

1125
00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:02,439
Speaker 3: Yes yeah.

1126
00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:05,080
Speaker 2: So much of our problems come from hiding from things

1127
00:53:05,120 --> 00:53:07,160
Speaker 2: within ourselves that we don't want to face because we

1128
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 2: don't want to believe that we're vulnerable. We don't want

1129
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:11,920
Speaker 2: to like think about that thing that scares us. And

1130
00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:15,080
Speaker 2: so whether it's ayahuasca or therapy or EMDR or whatever,

1131
00:53:15,160 --> 00:53:17,600
Speaker 2: it is, like any tools to get there, I think

1132
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:19,920
Speaker 2: are only going to benefit our lives as they have

1133
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:20,680
Speaker 2: for all of us here.

1134
00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:23,799
Speaker 5: I think, Yeah, it's amazing. I actually have to run

1135
00:53:23,840 --> 00:53:25,280
Speaker 5: because I have an EMDR. Sessue.

1136
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:25,839
Speaker 3: Oh my god.

1137
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:29,279
Speaker 5: Yes, we love that for you, Thank you so much.

1138
00:53:29,320 --> 00:53:31,880
Speaker 5: I hope we can stand with you. You're amazing. Thank you.

1139
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:34,560
Speaker 2: Tell us where we can be super fun. It was

1140
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:36,560
Speaker 2: tell us where we can find you in your book.

1141
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:39,520
Speaker 5: Okay, So you guys can check out Laurendrain dot com

1142
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:44,279
Speaker 5: for my history, my programming, any more stuff. My book

1143
00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:48,720
Speaker 5: is on Amazon or Burns Noble. It's It's Banished, Surviving

1144
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:50,840
Speaker 5: My Years in the westbor Baptist Church. It was released

1145
00:53:50,880 --> 00:53:53,279
Speaker 5: in twenty thirteen. You can listen to the you know

1146
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:55,120
Speaker 5: the audio version. I speak the whole thing in the

1147
00:53:55,120 --> 00:53:57,240
Speaker 5: audio versus as well. But yeah, check me out laurendrain

1148
00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:01,480
Speaker 5: dot com. I have a challenge running this January twenty second,

1149
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:03,600
Speaker 5: so join me get fit for the new year. I

1150
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:05,839
Speaker 5: have a brand new fitness app. It's super fun to use,

1151
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:07,560
Speaker 5: and I'd love to see guys there.

1152
00:54:07,600 --> 00:54:08,720
Speaker 3: So thank you, Laaren.

1153
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:10,160
Speaker 5: I have a great session.

1154
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,960
Speaker 2: Well that's a interview, folks. I think she rules. So

1155
00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:17,440
Speaker 2: something that we've talked about before is this idea of like, often,

1156
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:21,000
Speaker 2: it seems, at least in everything that I've learned on

1157
00:54:21,120 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 2: my own therapeutic journey and and doing a lot of

1158
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:25,719
Speaker 2: reading and stuff, one of the themes that seems to

1159
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:29,520
Speaker 2: come up is this sense of like having power over

1160
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:32,000
Speaker 2: your own life or having a little bit of control

1161
00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:38,000
Speaker 2: over your circumstances or yourself. And one of the things

1162
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:40,799
Speaker 2: that makes certain experiences so painful is that it makes

1163
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:43,840
Speaker 2: people feel like they have no autonomy, they have no control,

1164
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:44,680
Speaker 2: they have no power.

1165
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:45,080
Speaker 5: Right.

1166
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:47,440
Speaker 2: You know, I feel like there's a word I'm searching

1167
00:54:47,560 --> 00:54:49,640
Speaker 2: for that is not control or power, but I cannot

1168
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:50,719
Speaker 2: think of what it is. Do you know what I

1169
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:54,080
Speaker 2: would be referring to this is feeling that like you

1170
00:54:54,719 --> 00:54:58,200
Speaker 2: aren't just like floating through the wind and whatever happens

1171
00:54:58,239 --> 00:55:00,279
Speaker 2: to you is going to fuck you and you know,

1172
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:03,520
Speaker 2: like just totally destroy it, like you have some control

1173
00:55:03,719 --> 00:55:08,120
Speaker 2: agency agency thank you, Oh my god, oh thank you.

1174
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:10,400
Speaker 2: Like you have some agency. That is the word that

1175
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,200
Speaker 2: it's exactly the word that I want to bear.

1176
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:12,480
Speaker 5: It is.

1177
00:55:12,680 --> 00:55:14,919
Speaker 2: And you know, so there are like when you're feeling

1178
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:18,520
Speaker 2: really out of control in an anxiety spiral or you know,

1179
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:21,279
Speaker 2: in a trauma trigger, like there are different ways you

1180
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:23,640
Speaker 2: can kind of feel like you have some agency again,

1181
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:26,759
Speaker 2: and whether that's that could be as small as like

1182
00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:29,560
Speaker 2: pausing to be mindful of your body and like okay,

1183
00:55:29,640 --> 00:55:33,319
Speaker 2: I am here right now and like I or as

1184
00:55:33,600 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 2: you know, just going about your life as you normally

1185
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:38,040
Speaker 2: would and not letting it change your behavior, which anyway,

1186
00:55:38,080 --> 00:55:40,719
Speaker 2: there are different like variations of what that looks like.

1187
00:55:41,520 --> 00:55:45,040
Speaker 2: So feeling a sense of agency is really important. And

1188
00:55:45,200 --> 00:55:48,279
Speaker 2: so the eating disorder stuff is really interesting because it's

1189
00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:52,920
Speaker 2: like to a point, like doing something to make yourself

1190
00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:55,120
Speaker 2: feel like you have some control over your life is

1191
00:55:55,239 --> 00:55:58,560
Speaker 2: actually really can be really useful and helpful and healthy.

1192
00:55:59,160 --> 00:56:02,600
Speaker 2: And so I just generally wonder where that line is

1193
00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:05,759
Speaker 2: between like, Okay, this is me expressing agency in my

1194
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:08,880
Speaker 2: life and oh no, this is me like trying to

1195
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:11,960
Speaker 2: control everything to the point where I am now out

1196
00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:14,840
Speaker 2: of control. Does that make any sense, of course.

1197
00:56:14,640 --> 00:56:18,120
Speaker 1: And that's what's absolutely fascinating about her is she's one

1198
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:20,000
Speaker 1: of the only people I've ever heard in my entire

1199
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:24,600
Speaker 1: life say so. I caught myself doing that and realized

1200
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:27,480
Speaker 1: because most people it takes years in people being like, hey, bro,

1201
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:30,560
Speaker 1: you're kind of fucking crazy, and you're like, no.

1202
00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,320
Speaker 3: No, no, I'm not, and then you have to do

1203
00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 3: like all this unwinding and yeah, yeah, I know.

1204
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:38,400
Speaker 1: We said in the episode, we absolutely have to do

1205
00:56:38,600 --> 00:56:41,040
Speaker 1: an episode on eating disorders and where the line is

1206
00:56:41,080 --> 00:56:44,400
Speaker 1: because it's different for everyone, but they are one of

1207
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 1: the easiest ways to start taking control, which means that

1208
00:56:47,719 --> 00:56:50,200
Speaker 1: they're one of the easiest things to let take over

1209
00:56:50,280 --> 00:56:51,239
Speaker 1: your mind and.

1210
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:52,360
Speaker 2: Buddy, let control you.

1211
00:56:52,719 --> 00:56:55,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, then you're completely gone. And I did have to

1212
00:56:55,560 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 3: go to rehab for one.

1213
00:56:56,640 --> 00:57:01,480
Speaker 1: I was an absolutely imprisoned person, so I get it,

1214
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:07,800
Speaker 1: and uh, yeah, yeah, the line is thin, ironically.

1215
00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:10,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's yeah, we need we need to have a

1216
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:12,319
Speaker 2: sense of agency. But once it gets to the point,

1217
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:14,600
Speaker 2: because I'm also just thinking in terms of I'm thinking

1218
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,120
Speaker 2: in terms of OCD, I'm thinking in terms of general

1219
00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:19,800
Speaker 2: like addiction, like. But once it gets to the point

1220
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:23,600
Speaker 2: where you feel like if you don't like, it's no

1221
00:57:23,720 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 2: longer about having a little bit of agency in the

1222
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 2: moment flexibly, and it's more about like, I must control

1223
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:34,640
Speaker 2: this experience or the doom will come or whatever.

1224
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:35,560
Speaker 5: You know.

1225
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:39,680
Speaker 3: I guess, yeah, I guess. It also comes back to

1226
00:57:39,840 --> 00:57:42,720
Speaker 3: that you need more than one guru to not be

1227
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:45,320
Speaker 3: in a cult. You know, you need more than one

1228
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:46,480
Speaker 3: way of living.

1229
00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:51,280
Speaker 1: If you have to get fifteen thousand steps every fucking day.

1230
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:55,920
Speaker 3: You're not really in control of your day anymore. And right,

1231
00:57:56,160 --> 00:57:56,760
Speaker 3: that's my thought.

1232
00:57:56,880 --> 00:57:59,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess, And it's it's obviously there's no hard

1233
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:01,640
Speaker 2: and fast rule about where that line is. It's going

1234
00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:03,680
Speaker 2: to be different for everyone, and everyone kind of has

1235
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 2: to assess that for themselves. But it's very hard to

1236
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:08,640
Speaker 2: do that. It's very hard to be that self aware

1237
00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:11,640
Speaker 2: and be able to interrogate yourself to that level, which

1238
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,880
Speaker 2: is why I think Lauren is so impressive as a person,

1239
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:15,560
Speaker 2: because it's just like, and yeah.

1240
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:17,160
Speaker 3: Why the rest of us need therapy?

1241
00:58:17,520 --> 00:58:21,280
Speaker 1: Hey, man, because it is not just hard, it is

1242
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:23,680
Speaker 1: mostly impossible to be that self aware.

1243
00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:26,680
Speaker 3: We're all really unconscious and well anyway.

1244
00:58:26,440 --> 00:58:28,760
Speaker 2: When we are self aware, super self aware and trying

1245
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:31,480
Speaker 2: really hard, it can be really difficult to identify patterns

1246
00:58:31,560 --> 00:58:34,680
Speaker 2: and absolutely an outside person will do a better job

1247
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:37,280
Speaker 2: of that. So yep, I agreed as something they are

1248
00:58:37,360 --> 00:58:39,160
Speaker 2: responsible and the right fit for you.

1249
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,720
Speaker 3: He anyway, I think that's it for us.

1250
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:42,280
Speaker 5: I do too.

1251
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:43,880
Speaker 3: Thank you guys so much for listening.

1252
00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:46,480
Speaker 1: Can't wait to see you here next week, and as always,

1253
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:48,400
Speaker 1: remember to follow your gup, watch out for.

1254
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:51,760
Speaker 2: Red flags, and never ever trust me.

1255
00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:52,960
Speaker 3: Thank goodbye.

1256
00:58:57,120 --> 00:59:01,360
Speaker 2: Trust Me is produced by Kirsten Woodward, Gabby Rapp and Delemater.

1257
00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:03,400
Speaker 1: With special thanks to Stacy Para and her theme song

1258
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:06,000
Speaker 1: was composed by Holly amber Church. You can find us

1259
00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:10,360
Speaker 1: on Instagram at trust Me Podcast, Twitter at trust Me Cultpod,

1260
00:59:10,600 --> 00:59:13,400
Speaker 1: or on TikTok at trust Me Cult Podcast.

1261
00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:16,840
Speaker 2: I'm Ula Lola on Instagram and Ola Lola on Twitter.

1262
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:20,880
Speaker 1: And I am Megan Elizabeth eleven on Instagram and Bebraham.

1263
00:59:20,440 --> 00:59:21,440
Speaker 3: Hicks on Twitter.

1264
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:23,959
Speaker 2: Remember to rate and review and spread the word