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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session one twenty of the the

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Speaker 1: Epy for Black Girls Podcast. I know that for many

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Speaker 1: of you it's back to school time or it soon

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Speaker 1: will be, so I wanted to dig into a topic

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Speaker 1: to hopefully help stave off a few mail downs for

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Speaker 1: both you and your kids. In today's episode, we'll be

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Speaker 1: talking about how we can work to better regulate our

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Speaker 1: own emotions so that we can help our kids regulate theirs.

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Speaker 1: For this conversation, I was joined by Dr and Louise Lockhart.

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Speaker 1: Dr Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, national speaker, author,

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Speaker 1: and business owner of a growing psychology practice in San Antonio, Texas.

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Speaker 1: She was born and raised on the island of St. Croix.

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Speaker 1: Dr Lockhart and I discussed what co regulation is, how

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Speaker 1: it can be useful in strengthening your relationship with your kids,

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Speaker 1: how we can make sure we have enough reserves to

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Speaker 1: manage our own emotions, and the important distinction between discipline

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Speaker 1: and punishment. If you hear something that really us and

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Speaker 1: need to with you while listening, please make sure to

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Speaker 1: share it with us on social media using the hashtag

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Speaker 1: tv G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for joining us today, Dr Lockhart, Thank you for

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Speaker 1: having me. I appreciate it. Yeah, so it is back

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Speaker 1: to school time. You know, parents are soon to be

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Speaker 1: back to school for some people. My little ones went

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Speaker 1: back last week, and so you know, we want to

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Speaker 1: like make sure that we're starting the school year off right,

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Speaker 1: thinking about like what kinds of plans we can have

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Speaker 1: in place, what kinds of routines we maybe need to

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Speaker 1: adjust to kind of make sure that we're kind of

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Speaker 1: starting off on the right foot. And I know, in

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Speaker 1: the conversation you and I had before we started recording,

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Speaker 1: you know, we often want to look at like what's

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Speaker 1: going on with our kids as opposed to what may

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Speaker 1: actually be going on with us that is actually impacting

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Speaker 1: our kids. So that's what I want to chat with

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Speaker 1: you about today, about how we as parents can do

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Speaker 1: a better job of kind of taking care of ourselves

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Speaker 1: and regulating ourselves so that we can then share that

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Speaker 1: with our children. Definitely, that's a great idea. We need

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Speaker 1: a lot to help with that, and I think, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think it is something that we do have to

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Speaker 1: be careful about because I think sometimes we get too

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Speaker 1: much into kind of picking up our kids behaviors that

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Speaker 1: we don't recognize that the issue may actually be with us.

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Speaker 1: That's exactly right. And I think that it's a fine

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Speaker 1: line between parents actually targeting what's going on with their

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Speaker 1: kids and then blaming themselves. And I think when people

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Speaker 1: engage a lot of that parent guild and shame and

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Speaker 1: say well, my kid is bad because of me, I

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Speaker 1: was like, Okay, just stop that. It's not about blaming

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Speaker 1: and it's not about pointing the finger, but it's about

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Speaker 1: knowing that we impact our kids behavior, that our mood

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Speaker 1: impacts are our kids moved as well too. So if

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Speaker 1: we're rushed and we're hurry and we're in a skinky

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Speaker 1: old mood. Then our kids are going to pick up

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Speaker 1: on that and they're going to reflect that back, except

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Speaker 1: they don't know how to control their impulses and their behavior,

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Speaker 1: so it's going to come across as more irritating and

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Speaker 1: annoying for us. Right, right, right, Really, I'm really glad

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Speaker 1: you made that distinction, right, But is I think it's

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Speaker 1: important to remember that parenting does not come with a manual, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: so much of this is on the job training and

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Speaker 1: kind of figuring out as you go along, and so

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Speaker 1: I think it can be easy to kind of get

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Speaker 1: into some of those behaviors of blaming yourself and like,

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Speaker 1: oh I could have showed A would have But really

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Speaker 1: it's just an opportunity for you to learn something differently

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Speaker 1: in to try to do a better job. The next

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Speaker 1: thing exactly exactly that. It's that there's lots of different

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Speaker 1: things that we can read and look at Google about parenting,

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Speaker 1: but when it comes down to what we have two

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Speaker 1: parent based on our individual child need, their personality, their temperament,

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Speaker 1: and life circumstance, there's so many different things to keep

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Speaker 1: in mind and to keep other considerations. So I think

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Speaker 1: parents need to be more gentle with themselves and give

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Speaker 1: themselves more of a break when it comes to it,

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Speaker 1: because every time you think you've mastered one stage, they

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Speaker 1: switched it up on you and it's a whole new thing.

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Speaker 1: Right just when you thought you had it under control,

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Speaker 1: here they go with like a new thing. Yeah, they're like,

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Speaker 1: where the heck did this come from? Their human beings

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Speaker 1: and their minds and their brain are growing at a

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Speaker 1: very rapid rate. So yeah, we just have to make

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Speaker 1: sure we respond properly and as effectively as possible, and

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Speaker 1: then that way we can really shape their behaviors for

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Speaker 1: the better rather than just focusing on so much punishment

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Speaker 1: all the time. So I know something after a lockhood

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Speaker 1: that you work with a lot with the parents that

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Speaker 1: you work within your practice is on coregulation. So can

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Speaker 1: you tell us what that is? Yes, definitely. So co

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Speaker 1: regulation is a term that I learned about quite recently

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Speaker 1: the past few years as well. Even after doing this

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Speaker 1: for so long, I had learned a lot about regulation

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Speaker 1: and self regulation, but coregulation was kind of a new

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Speaker 1: term for me and for a lot of people. So

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Speaker 1: regulation is when you can basically practice some level of

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Speaker 1: control over your thoughts, your behaviors, your actions. You're regulating.

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Speaker 1: You're saying, Okay, this person just gave me, you know,

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Speaker 1: funny look, and I could custom out or I could

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Speaker 1: walk away. Like regulated behavior means I don't respond to

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Speaker 1: every impulse that I have. Okay. So we learned that

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Speaker 1: what we should be learning this as we grow older,

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Speaker 1: so that by the time we're fully functioning adults, that

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Speaker 1: we should be pretty regulated. But as we know, not

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Speaker 1: every adult is a regulated adult, and not in every situation.

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Speaker 1: For us personally, we can say that we're always regulating

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Speaker 1: ourselves properly. Okay, m hm. So co regulation is something

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Speaker 1: that occurs in a much more basic level that occurs

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Speaker 1: really when we're younger because we need someone else to

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Speaker 1: help us do it. So as children and parents, the

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Speaker 1: way we help co regulation is by basically it occurs

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Speaker 1: in the form of a close relationship with a caregiver

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Speaker 1: and someone who we have a healthy attachment with. So

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Speaker 1: that would include if you have a little baby, for example,

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Speaker 1: and they're fussy and they're crying, coal regulation would involve

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Speaker 1: going in and rubbing their back in the crib for example,

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Speaker 1: not putting them to sleep or picking them up necessarily,

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Speaker 1: but it may just be soothing them because you know

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Speaker 1: all their needs have been met and you're helping them

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Speaker 1: to regulate themselves by giving them some coregulation by rubbing

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Speaker 1: their back. For a toddler, it might mean they're fussy,

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Speaker 1: they're crying, they're upset about somebody hurting their feelings, for example,

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Speaker 1: So a coregulation might be rocking them and speaking to

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Speaker 1: them in a calm voice to help bring down the energy.

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Speaker 1: Maybe modeling breaths, not telling them just breathe and calm down.

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Speaker 1: That's not a co regulation, but it's about maybe just

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Speaker 1: holding them against your chest so they can feel you

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Speaker 1: breathing in and breathing out. So they learned to co

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Speaker 1: regulate through you because you're staying calm. But it also

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Speaker 1: happens in adult relationships. So if you're like super upset

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Speaker 1: about something that happened at work and your spouse or

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Speaker 1: your partner is telling you, oh, man, that sounds like

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Speaker 1: that was really hard. How can I help you with that?

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Speaker 1: They're actually helping you with coregulation because they're forming an

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Speaker 1: emotional fund and connection with you to help you kind

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Speaker 1: of calm yourself down, rather than them telling you it's

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Speaker 1: not a big deal, calm yourself down. So it's all

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Speaker 1: formed on a lot of attachment and connection and relationships.

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Speaker 1: That's what coregulation is all about. So if I'm understanding correctly,

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Speaker 1: it really is about so you're still regulating yourself, but

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Speaker 1: a lot of it comes from kind of being connected

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Speaker 1: to this other person who is in your presence right

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Speaker 1: that they're helping you kind of be there's sensitive enough

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Speaker 1: to your emotional distress or your physical distress, and they're

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Speaker 1: helping you get to the point where then you could

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Speaker 1: start doing it, but don't. You don't always have to

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Speaker 1: become dependent on them to do it. But they're kind

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Speaker 1: of serving as a support, as a crush in a

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Speaker 1: sense to to help you get through and not crushing

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Speaker 1: a bad way, crushing in a very supportive way, so

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Speaker 1: that you're they're helping you kind of get through it

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Speaker 1: in a sense, to get through on the other side. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so of course, you know, I mean you already mentioned that,

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Speaker 1: like to be able to do this, you have to

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Speaker 1: kind of have enough emotional presence to be able to

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Speaker 1: kind of step in and see what needs to happen.

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Speaker 1: But if you don't know, then it makes it difficult

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Speaker 1: for you to and offer that to someone else to correct.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I tell parents so much why being

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Speaker 1: a martyr for your kids is not healthy for you

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Speaker 1: or your children, because if you are running yourself ragged,

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Speaker 1: always on the go, always being a mom or a

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Speaker 1: dad to your child all the time, never taking time

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Speaker 1: for yourself, never going on dates with your spouse, to

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Speaker 1: your partner, I'm never going up with your girls, never

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Speaker 1: just taking a nap. If you are so spent and

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Speaker 1: stressed and kind of stressed out all the time, then

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Speaker 1: you're not going to have any reserves left for your child.

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Speaker 1: You're going to be so worn out that when they

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Speaker 1: need health regulating, you can't offer it to them because

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Speaker 1: you're so tapped out yourself. So I strongly believe in

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Speaker 1: having a balanced life because when and my kids know that.

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Speaker 1: My kids are nine and seven, and they understand that

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Speaker 1: when I'm taking a nap, that's for their own safety.

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Speaker 1: Because if i'm that's time that I don't even take

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Speaker 1: of nap. But I love these naps like that helps

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Speaker 1: me to be a better mom because then I am arrested,

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Speaker 1: I'm taking care of and I will respond to them

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Speaker 1: in a more in a healthier way, so that if

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Speaker 1: they're disregulated, I can help them calm down rather than

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Speaker 1: yelling across the room to calm down or to deal

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Speaker 1: with it, or to stop crying or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's why it's so important for parents

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Speaker 1: to really understand that they have to take care of

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Speaker 1: themselves as well before they take care of their kids.

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Speaker 1: Kind of like when you're on a plane, right, you

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Speaker 1: don't put the oxygen mass on your kid or the

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Speaker 1: dependent person. You put it on yourself first. And that's

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Speaker 1: an analogy I hear often is that you can't pour

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Speaker 1: from an empty cut all these different you know, sayings

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Speaker 1: and inspirational quotes, there's truth to that, is that you

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Speaker 1: can't pour from something that's spent and that's empty. And

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Speaker 1: that's what we do so often when we run ourselves ragget,

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Speaker 1: and then we think we could be an effective parent. No,

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Speaker 1: we can't, because you're not going to be because you

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Speaker 1: don't have your reserves. Your reserves are spent. Got it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So let's say somebody's listening now and they recognize, like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is me. I struggle with this

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Speaker 1: where can they start to maybe make some improvements so

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Speaker 1: that they can do a better job of regulating themselves

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Speaker 1: and then helping their kids to co regulate. That's a

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Speaker 1: great question. So I know, because so many of us

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Speaker 1: are away from our families and their support system. We're

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Speaker 1: in a much more mobile society and we're not raising

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Speaker 1: our kids or growing up in areas where we have

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Speaker 1: a lot of support. So this could be a strouble

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Speaker 1: when you don't have that. So I think that one

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Speaker 1: is if you are near supportive, healthy family members, to

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Speaker 1: utilize those family members. I think so often so many

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Speaker 1: of us, especially as black women, we think we got

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Speaker 1: to do it all ourselves and that we don't need

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Speaker 1: nobody and we don't need no help. And I think

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Speaker 1: that there is we can't follow that total independent way

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Speaker 1: of operating because that's not going to help us with

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Speaker 1: the regulation. So it's about really using the people in

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Speaker 1: our lives who are healthy, who can help us detach

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Speaker 1: so that we can reconnect. So whether it's taking care

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Speaker 1: of the kids, whether it's going over to the house

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Speaker 1: and hanging out, whatever it is, but using those supports

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Speaker 1: that build edge that can help you kind of balance

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Speaker 1: life out. If you don't have the family. I think

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Speaker 1: that's where it's important to form a good social support

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Speaker 1: network because there's lots to be said where there's healing,

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Speaker 1: where there's connection. So if you can have that connection

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Speaker 1: with other friends, whether it's in your church, whether it's

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Speaker 1: with work, whether it's just people in your neighborhood, but

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Speaker 1: other support systems that can really help you that there's

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Speaker 1: there's lots of research at points to enjoyable activities, social

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Speaker 1: activities and physical activities, and the enjoyable social and physical

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Speaker 1: are what helped keep us safe, rounded, and it's kind

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Speaker 1: of staves off anything like anxiety, depression, isolation, all of

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Speaker 1: those things. And it's the same thing that goes for parenting.

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Speaker 1: And so that's a good way to regulate as well too,

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Speaker 1: is that you use your family you don't have that,

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Speaker 1: make sure you ever get social support network to help

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Speaker 1: you through a lot of those times that are going on.

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Speaker 1: So I think that is the most important thing. And

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Speaker 1: I know for me that's what helps me the most

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Speaker 1: is to be able to detach from the kids so

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Speaker 1: that I can reconnect with the kids and using people

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Speaker 1: in my life that I can also be helpful. So

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Speaker 1: I think those are really really, really important. So creating

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Speaker 1: some space for you to kind of even just step away,

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Speaker 1: like you said, and to you know, make sure that

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Speaker 1: you are um involving yourself and enjoying yourself in other

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Speaker 1: parts of your life besides your role as a parent,

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Speaker 1: exactly exactly, so you have that social support, but you

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Speaker 1: also do the fun things like don't feel guilty if

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Speaker 1: you've mane important to get at your hair done or

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Speaker 1: your nails done, or to just hang out by yourself

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Speaker 1: like those. We need time away from our kids. We

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Speaker 1: can't be a parent Tony Fourse something that's not realistic,

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Speaker 1: and we're not going to do a very good job

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Speaker 1: regulating ourselves or helping to co regulate our kids if

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Speaker 1: we're so exhausted. So I think that that's one piece

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Speaker 1: of it, right, like the you know, being able to

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Speaker 1: kind of create some space for yourself. But I think

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Speaker 1: another part of this, and what I'm hearing from you,

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Speaker 1: is that it is also really important that we learn

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Speaker 1: how to or that we know how to regulate our

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Speaker 1: own emotions. And so if that is not something that

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Speaker 1: we have been taught, then what kinds of things can

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Speaker 1: we maybe do as adults to even do a better

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Speaker 1: job of regulating our own emotions. Yeah, that's great, great, great,

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Speaker 1: great question. So I think a lot of it goes

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Speaker 1: back to that whole. The foundation of the social, enjoyable,

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Speaker 1: and physical is that we do those things as well too,

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Speaker 1: So we do things that are engaging, that we do

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Speaker 1: things that are physical. So so whether that's yoga, exercised,

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Speaker 1: joining a gym, going for a walk, doing stretches at home,

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Speaker 1: but really uh, involving ourselves with taking care of our body,

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Speaker 1: because when our body is stressed, we are going to

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Speaker 1: be stressed and vice versa. Our minds and our body

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Speaker 1: are very much connected. So if we don't take care

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Speaker 1: of our mind and how we think about things and

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Speaker 1: we're overstressed, we're gonna'll be more likely to get sick,

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Speaker 1: to have a lot of physical symptoms like stomach aches,

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Speaker 1: back aches, headaches, all of those kinds of things. And

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Speaker 1: so I think that's a really really important part of

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Speaker 1: it is is the exercise. But another part of it

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Speaker 1: too is being able to practice mindfulness. So that's really

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Speaker 1: be present and whatever you're doing, and mindfulness is not

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Speaker 1: some big task. It's about being fully present with whatever

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Speaker 1: you're doing. So if you're at work, being present at

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Speaker 1: work rather than worrying about all the other things in

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Speaker 1: the world when you're with your kids, being present with

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Speaker 1: your kids. And a lot of parents have a hard

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Speaker 1: time with that. They say they're playing with them, but

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Speaker 1: they're not really playing with them. So it's about, really,

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Speaker 1: rather than feeling guilty about not spending time with your

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Speaker 1: kids and it doesn't help to be a ton of time,

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Speaker 1: is that when you're with them, you're fully present with them,

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Speaker 1: engaging and activity they enjoy. And that's a great way

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Speaker 1: to take care of yourself too, so that when you're

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Speaker 1: with them, you know that you know what, even though

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Speaker 1: I just spent fickting this with my kids before they

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Speaker 1: went to bed, I was fully present with them. So

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of that is important to be

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Speaker 1: Mindfulness is making sure that you do a lot of

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Speaker 1: exercising something physical to engage with yourself, but also practicing

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Speaker 1: a lot of the mindfulness. So whatever you're doing, rather

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Speaker 1: than guilt tripping yourself when you're doing it, is that

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Speaker 1: you're fully present. And I would imagine d call it that.

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Speaker 1: This definitely becomes difficult for any parents who may be

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Speaker 1: struggling with like a mental illness, so something like depression

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Speaker 1: or anxiety or bipolar disorder where regulation of emotions is

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Speaker 1: already kind of inherent. Um, then they would have more

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Speaker 1: difficulty in doing this, and then therefore I have more

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Speaker 1: difficulty in doing this with their kids. Right, definitely if

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Speaker 1: it's harder, because if you are a parent that is

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Speaker 1: dealing with or suffering with depression, then you don't want

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Speaker 1: to spend time with anybody, and many times they want

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Speaker 1: to isolate or it takes. One big thing about depression

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Speaker 1: is that it drains the life out of you, so

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Speaker 1: you don't even feel like you have energy to spend

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Speaker 1: time with your kids or really with yourself. So I

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Speaker 1: think that it's a big challenge, but again it always

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Speaker 1: goes back to that you you're facing the very thing

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Speaker 1: that you avoid or that you have a hard time doing,

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Speaker 1: and that's what starts to build a connection, because with

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Speaker 1: depression on what people often want to do is isolate

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Speaker 1: themselves and become very a sedentary. They don't want to

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Speaker 1: engage in other activities. They're kind of staying at home,

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Speaker 1: they're not being physical, they're not really engaging at anything

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Speaker 1: that's that's going to be physically engaging with anybody. Else,

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Speaker 1: and those are the very things that you should do.

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Speaker 1: So it's about pushing yourself and doing the things that

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Speaker 1: you know are going to be enjoyable and maybe take

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Speaker 1: very minimal effort at first, and then working your way up.

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Speaker 1: So if all you can handle is ten minutes of walking,

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Speaker 1: then just do ten minutes of walking. If all you

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Speaker 1: can do is spending a few minutes with your kids

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Speaker 1: five seven minutes doing a card game, then just do that.

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Speaker 1: Kind of meeting yourself where you're at, not beating yourself up,

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Speaker 1: but always goes back to that, because we do a

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Speaker 1: lot of beating ourselves up and then just remaining present

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Speaker 1: while you're doing it. And so I think it's just

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Speaker 1: about making those little small steps so that you can

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Speaker 1: get into that eventual big goal. So, what are some

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Speaker 1: difficulties we might see dr lockhard If we are not

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Speaker 1: doing such a great job at either regulating ourselves or

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Speaker 1: cool regulating with our children, how might we see this

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Speaker 1: show up? You mean, like kind of the behaviors that

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Speaker 1: we might seeing ourselves and all the kids. Okay, so

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Speaker 1: kids pick up a lot on their parents emotions, like

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Speaker 1: we talked about in the beginning, and so if we

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Speaker 1: are very stressed and we are feeling overwhelmed. We might

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Speaker 1: see things like irritability so we kind of fly up

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Speaker 1: on the handle, maybe excessive yelling. We might see ourselves

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Speaker 1: is feeling easily frustrated, even over small things that maybe

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Speaker 1: didn't bother us before. We probably are sleep will definitely

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Speaker 1: be impacted, where we have a hard time falling asleep

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Speaker 1: or staying asleep. And then even after we think we've

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Speaker 1: gotten a full night's rest, you might see a lot

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Speaker 1: of very extreme fatigue and low energy throughout the day,

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Speaker 1: where you just when even have energy to get going.

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Speaker 1: A lot of times you'll see how it impacts your

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Speaker 1: other relationships, so you'll feel like you don't want to

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Speaker 1: connect with people, or where you do, it's very tense

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Speaker 1: and not very productive interactions because you feel like you're

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Speaker 1: on edge all the time. And then you can see

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Speaker 1: very extreme things like seeing lots of cases with people

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Speaker 1: when they just not taking care themselves, are not very regulated,

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Speaker 1: they're overly stressed. They may have things like breakouts in

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Speaker 1: their skin. They're here might start stop growing, they might

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Speaker 1: get sick more often. They're more vulnerable to allergies and

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Speaker 1: coals and viral infections. Those kinds of things because your

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Speaker 1: body is literally wearing down, so you can see a

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Speaker 1: lot of that stuff. I know from personal experience when

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Speaker 1: I was in a work situation where there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of work toxicity. There's a lot of actually workplace believe

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Speaker 1: where I was a target, a lot of discrimination going on,

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Speaker 1: and I was trying to deal with it but not

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Speaker 1: really and I started getting nosebleeds and never had a

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Speaker 1: nosebleed in my life, so again, really bad headaches, and

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Speaker 1: I would literally be playing with my son and my

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Speaker 1: nose just start bleading and um. For what I saw

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Speaker 1: with my kids in those situations, and what parents would

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00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,800
Speaker 1: see if they're not well regulated, is you'll see more

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Speaker 1: tantrum behaviors because they're trying to figure out what's going

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Speaker 1: on with their parents and they're not quite sure how

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Speaker 1: to deal with it. You might see more refusal, so

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Speaker 1: they'll just flat out refuse to do things that you've

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Speaker 1: asked them to do because of the way that it's

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Speaker 1: coming across to them. That their sleep may also be

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Speaker 1: affected as well as they're eating and their appetite. But

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Speaker 1: mostly what you see in kids a lot is a

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Speaker 1: lot of those external behaviors that we don't like those tantrums,

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Speaker 1: the defiance, the refusal to do things, a lot of

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Speaker 1: those disobedience, all of those negative quote misbehaviors that we see.

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Speaker 1: You'll see them acting it out because they're trying to

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Speaker 1: reflect back what they're seeing their parents. Mm hmm, okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I know that that's a big one, right, Like

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Speaker 1: when either a toddler, a middle school or a teenager,

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Speaker 1: like when those tantrums present, I think that that is

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Speaker 1: a very difficult situation to manage. And I think so

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Speaker 1: I would love to hear any like tips or strategies

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Speaker 1: you have for this, because I think it is really

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Speaker 1: hard to catch yourself in the moment when your child

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Speaker 1: gets so activated that you then have to do a

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Speaker 1: really good job of kind of bringing yourself back down

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Speaker 1: so that you don't measge their energy, right, because of

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Speaker 1: course that does makes it worse, right when you kind

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Speaker 1: of know where they are. So what kind of is

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Speaker 1: if their strategies do you have for somebody to try

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Speaker 1: to do a better job maybe of kind of catching

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Speaker 1: themselves before they match the tantrum energy. That's a great question.

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Speaker 1: I think one of the biggest things and the hardest

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Speaker 1: things for us to do as parents, including myself, is

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Speaker 1: when your child is activated in some way, we have

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Speaker 1: to quickly figure out. We kind of have to see

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Speaker 1: things from their perspective and and see what seeing it

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Speaker 1: from their point of view so quickly looking at a

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Speaker 1: lot of the research talks about serving as a detective

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Speaker 1: in a sense, being able to mind read. As my

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Speaker 1: colleague doctor Lana had talked about in her post recently,

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Speaker 1: is what in the world could be driving this behavior?

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Speaker 1: Why is this child responding in this way? Are they hungry?

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Speaker 1: Are they tired? Do they need attention? That's usually the

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Speaker 1: biggest reasons why I kid might be acting something hungry, tired,

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Speaker 1: or needing attention. So we want to quickly kind of

432
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 1: assess that because we pretty much know our kids for

433
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,119
Speaker 1: the most part, we know why they're acting the way

434
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,400
Speaker 1: they do. Are they angry, they're blood sugar low? Are

435
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,640
Speaker 1: they tired and not getting enough sleep? Or do they

436
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:09,000
Speaker 1: just need my time? And then we want to then

437
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,520
Speaker 1: make sure we don't take the behavior personally. So often

438
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,440
Speaker 1: we see our kids acting up and we instantly judge ourselves.

439
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 1: I hear this so much when I do parent coaching

440
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,200
Speaker 1: with parents. If they instantly think oh, if my teenager

441
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,360
Speaker 1: is mouthing off, if my toddler is having a tantrum,

442
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,600
Speaker 1: I must be a bad mom. I'm like, okay, wait,

443
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 1: how did you jump to that conclusion. Well, if I

444
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,399
Speaker 1: was a good mom, they wouldn't behaving this way. Okay, okay, No,

445
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 1: that's not true. All right. Kids have free will, they

446
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,160
Speaker 1: have their own personalities, they have their own hang ups,

447
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,200
Speaker 1: but so do we. So why in the world would

448
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,160
Speaker 1: we say this child is acting this way because we're

449
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,920
Speaker 1: a bad parent. Because on a side note, I have

450
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,040
Speaker 1: worked with parents who are legit not doing a good job,

451
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,840
Speaker 1: kids who are coming from a piece of homes, parents

452
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,400
Speaker 1: who are doing very horrible things to their kids, and

453
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,400
Speaker 1: those were some of the best kids I ever met.

454
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 1: So I'm just like, Wow, they had a legit bad parent,

455
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,760
Speaker 1: bad parenting situation going on, and these kids were still thriving.

456
00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:12,200
Speaker 1: So there's not a one to one relationship between good

457
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: or bad parenting. However, we want to label it and

458
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,440
Speaker 1: how our child acts. So we have to stop ourselves

459
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: from like over personalizing our kids behaviors and thinking they're

460
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 1: acting this way because it is about us. And then

461
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,479
Speaker 1: the other part of it, too, is then looking at

462
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:33,200
Speaker 1: making sure we reflect how we're feeling and why we're

463
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,400
Speaker 1: being triggered by this behavior. I had a post about

464
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,400
Speaker 1: this on Instagram and it got a lot of responses

465
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 1: and questions. A lot of parents were like, wow, I

466
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,080
Speaker 1: didn't really think about it this way. Is that when

467
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:46,720
Speaker 1: my child is acting this way? What instant thing am

468
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,920
Speaker 1: I telling myself? What am I? Why am I being

469
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,480
Speaker 1: triggered by this behavior? And you know what story am

470
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 1: I telling myself behind this behavior? Okay, they're acting this way?

471
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,600
Speaker 1: And I had a parent tell me one time, oh,

472
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 1: my three year old was having a tantrum and treating

473
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 1: his little sister Bamian, and I was like, oh my gosh,

474
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,000
Speaker 1: what if he grows up to be up with I'm

475
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,400
Speaker 1: like what, what? How did you? How did you jump

476
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,480
Speaker 1: to that conclusion? But all of a sudden, he's a

477
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: wife theater because he treated his child, his sister at three.

478
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,880
Speaker 1: So I think that we want to make sure we're

479
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 1: not telling ourselves some story based on our fear, because

480
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,359
Speaker 1: if we start parenting out of fear, that's going to

481
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,359
Speaker 1: be a bad formula. I'm really glad you brought that up,

482
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,320
Speaker 1: doctor Loca, because I think you know, especially just again,

483
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,000
Speaker 1: as we kind of read more on social media, I

484
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,199
Speaker 1: think as parents, you're already kind of prone to just

485
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,400
Speaker 1: wanting to kind of have the best outcome for your child,

486
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,600
Speaker 1: right like you want to try to do a good job,

487
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,639
Speaker 1: you know. I mean, I think that that is typically

488
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,639
Speaker 1: the goal for parents. But I do think, like you said,

489
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 1: that we can't kind of go so far, and that

490
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 1: then we are parenting from a place maybe of anxiety

491
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,119
Speaker 1: and fear as opposed to like actually paying attention to

492
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,440
Speaker 1: the child that is unfolding in front of our eyes

493
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 1: exactly exactly, and we can't pair it out of fear,

494
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 1: and we can't also aren't imaginary kids, meaning don't parent

495
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,080
Speaker 1: a child you don't have. Many times parents are parenting

496
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,960
Speaker 1: a child that they wish they had, or a child

497
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,399
Speaker 1: that they were or a child they're afraid of having,

498
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,119
Speaker 1: and it's like you're forgetting the kid that's actually in

499
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 1: front of you. So if you're always kind of parenting

500
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 1: with this kind of story in your head, you're gonna

501
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 1: kind of get out of the whole mindful parenting state

502
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 1: and consciously parenting your kid, and then you go into

503
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,400
Speaker 1: a whole different realm. So then when you're disciplining them

504
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 1: or punishing in most of the case cases is that

505
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 1: you're punishing them based on this fear of who they

506
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,840
Speaker 1: might be or how they turned out to be, or

507
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: who you were. So I've spoken to parents of teenagers

508
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 1: who they were terrible, They've made terrible decisions as a teenager,

509
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 1: and they have this great kid in front of them

510
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,439
Speaker 1: who's really conscientious and respectful and obeys all the rules,

511
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 1: but yet they don't give them that freedom because well,

512
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,359
Speaker 1: I know when I was a teenager that I did

513
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,320
Speaker 1: is I'm like, yeah, but your kids not doing that,

514
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: So why are you parenting them based the person you were?

515
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,640
Speaker 1: And so we have to really be aware that that's

516
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,159
Speaker 1: why all of this parenting stuff, even though there's a

517
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,640
Speaker 1: whole bunch of techniques you can read about, learn and do,

518
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,239
Speaker 1: it has to start with the mindset change. Because if

519
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,480
Speaker 1: your parenting mindset is based on one out of fear, anxiety, worry,

520
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,680
Speaker 1: and parenting these imaginary kids, you're going to do parenting

521
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,919
Speaker 1: very ineffectively, and you're going to not enjoy it. You've

522
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,159
Speaker 1: got to actually hate it because you have all of

523
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 1: these things whirling swirling around in your head that are

524
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:35,160
Speaker 1: not even really true, because you have this story, you created,

525
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 1: this dramatic, epic story about your kid that they're not

526
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,200
Speaker 1: even really doing because your mind is not in the

527
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,919
Speaker 1: right place. So how do you suggest we kind of

528
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,760
Speaker 1: get out of the doctor lock car? Because, like we've

529
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,359
Speaker 1: already talked about, you know, parenting doesn't come with a manual,

530
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,239
Speaker 1: and so I think for a lot of us, we

531
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,720
Speaker 1: are parenting how we were parented, right, because that's the

532
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 1: only real formula or model that you maybe have. So

533
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 1: how do you kind of suggest people get out of

534
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,439
Speaker 1: kind of parenting the child they wish they had, the

535
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 1: child they were and actually get connected to the child

536
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: that they actually have. That's a great question. That's a

537
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:15,440
Speaker 1: hard thing to do. So I think a big part

538
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: of it is once you ask yourself strategic questions, like

539
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,480
Speaker 1: we just talked about, you just you really say, Okay,

540
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 1: what is going on with this child? What is the need?

541
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: What is the underlying need that needs to be met?

542
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,760
Speaker 1: What are they communicating through their behavior? Rather than saying

543
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 1: this is a bad kid, No, they're making these choices

544
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 1: because of a need, an unmet need. So let's look

545
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: at that first. So once we can identify that, then

546
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,719
Speaker 1: we can say Okay, how am I being triggered by

547
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 1: this behavior? What story am I telling myself based on

548
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,720
Speaker 1: this behavior? And then you say, okay, take a breath,

549
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,199
Speaker 1: respond to him, and meet the need in the moment. So,

550
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: if your kid is having a tantrum because you're starving

551
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,439
Speaker 1: something nasty that they don't like. They think it's nasty,

552
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: it's dinner time and you're like, I've been looking all day.

553
00:27:58,119 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 1: You know, I can't believe I'm putting up with this.

554
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,560
Speaker 1: You never do this, and you start yelling and complain

555
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 1: about your kid when I was a kid, mo mom

556
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 1: and there, but we go, you start doing all this stuff.

557
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 1: You gotta stop and say, Okay, my child tends to

558
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 1: be a picky eater. I know this. This is not

559
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,159
Speaker 1: new information. So instead I say, okay, what is the

560
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,160
Speaker 1: underlying need? My kid is tired, they're hungry, and they're

561
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: upset because they're not getting what they want. So one

562
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,600
Speaker 1: of the best ways to do this, for example, and

563
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,639
Speaker 1: the feeding issue, is give them the food that I

564
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 1: have prepared, but also give them a preferred food. Doesn't

565
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,439
Speaker 1: mean you make a whole different meal for them, no,

566
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 1: but you know that if this is going to be

567
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,639
Speaker 1: a battle because it's a new situation for them, a

568
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,080
Speaker 1: new food item. You basically give them something that's preferred,

569
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: But it goes back to meeting the need something that's

570
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 1: preferred and something that's non preferred. To be able to

571
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 1: expose yourself to new situations, whether it's food or activities

572
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,560
Speaker 1: or anything else, you have to slowly get a kid

573
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: to engage in that. Some kids are more rigid and

574
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,160
Speaker 1: less flexible, so we have to kind of meet them

575
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: where they're at and slowly get them there. So we

576
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 1: have to kind of go to saying okay, let me

577
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 1: not get into this stuff. Mindset about how my mom

578
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 1: or my dad, parents and me and I have to

579
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,520
Speaker 1: see my child through a different lens. So once we

580
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 1: can do that, then we can kind of step back

581
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 1: from the situation and say, Okay, I know I'm taking

582
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,160
Speaker 1: this behavior way too personally. I'm over personalizing it and

583
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 1: I'm reacting to it. Rather we step back and say, okay,

584
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: let me respond differently. So I said, okay, sweetheart, you

585
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 1: know it seems like you're really upset today. What's going on?

586
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,719
Speaker 1: Or if your child is having a tantrum, you go

587
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: over to them, help them co regulate, say come on,

588
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:30,920
Speaker 1: come on with mama, Sit in my lap, tell me

589
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: what's going on. If they're way to speak, If not,

590
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 1: you help them just calm down. And so you're basically

591
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: always looking at ways rather than looking at punishing and

592
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 1: sending the kid away and yelling at them, but you

593
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:43,960
Speaker 1: look at what is the need that needs to be

594
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: met and how can I help them meet that need?

595
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 1: And it goes right full circle back to coregulation. They

596
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 1: have an unmet need. Kids misbehave in our mind because

597
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:55,840
Speaker 1: there's an unmet need. It always goes back to that.

598
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: Every time, whether they're kicking their sibling, they hit you,

599
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:01,960
Speaker 1: they run out of the house, they sneak out of

600
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 1: the house, they whatever it is, there's an unmet need

601
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,840
Speaker 1: that we need to address, and we have to sometimes

602
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: be very kind of huge detectives in the process. We

603
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,480
Speaker 1: always have to go back and say, what is that

604
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 1: on the need and how can I help them? At

605
00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:18,880
Speaker 1: me by collaboratively kind of being collaborative, asking them, you know,

606
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 1: it seems like you're having a really hard time. How

607
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 1: can I help you with this situation. It seems like

608
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,720
Speaker 1: you had a really rough day at school. How can

609
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 1: I help you with this? And being able to collaborate

610
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,160
Speaker 1: on that rather than saying, well, what you need to

611
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 1: do is because that's not collaborative, that's one sided, and

612
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,280
Speaker 1: they're going to reject it. M m okay. So if

613
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 1: we go back to your food example, right, like I

614
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 1: think a normal reaction might be to like, well, what

615
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: you need to do is what I have prepared, right,

616
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,600
Speaker 1: And you're actually suggesting that you can offer that, but

617
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: also maybe offer something that they enjoy as well. It's

618
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: exactly introducing them through the new exactly. Because really, when

619
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: it comes down to it, if you're gonna get real

620
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,440
Speaker 1: technical with feeding and eating, there are like twenty I

621
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 1: think it's twenty six steps to eating, which means that

622
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,920
Speaker 1: it's not just about showing the food in your mouth

623
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: and eating there. It's about being able to smell the food,

624
00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:17,520
Speaker 1: cooking about it being prepared, seeing it being prepared, having

625
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: it on the table, having it next to your plate,

626
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,920
Speaker 1: having in your plate, having a touch of food, having

627
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: it in your mouth, chewing it, swallowing it. Like, there's

628
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 1: so many steps to the eating. So when there's something

629
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: new being introduced to a kid, there's some foods they're

630
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:32,720
Speaker 1: gonna like automatically, and there's others that they need to

631
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,680
Speaker 1: be slowly introduced to. And so we have to then say,

632
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:38,640
Speaker 1: it looks like you're having a really rough time with

633
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:41,719
Speaker 1: this food. Huh, what would help you in terms of

634
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: being able to eat this food tonight? What would you

635
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,440
Speaker 1: prefer to be with along with that food that you

636
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: can try? I know you don't like potatoes, but you

637
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 1: sure like some French fries. What about if we do

638
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 1: a baked potato and French fries. And because it takes

639
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: ten to fifteen introductions, for example, for food before a

640
00:31:57,800 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 1: child can literally say they like a food or not.

641
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 1: So you can give them a food to three or

642
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 1: four times and they's still look like it, but it

643
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,720
Speaker 1: takes about ten to fifteen times for your your palette,

644
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: your tongue to actually start to accept for food and

645
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:14,920
Speaker 1: like it. So see, I think that go ahead, go ahead. Um.

646
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,960
Speaker 1: I was just thinking, you know, this kind of goes

647
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: back to your conversation earlier about kind of making sure

648
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 1: that you have done your work in terms of kind

649
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 1: of taking care of yourself there so that you have

650
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: the bandwidth to be able to address something like this,

651
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: Because I'm just imagining like this kind of conversation at

652
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: like six o'clock after you have been working all day,

653
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 1: you pick them up, you've been in traffic, you know,

654
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:38,760
Speaker 1: you just want to Then you gotta do best and

655
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 1: homework and you know, so I'm thinking, like what kind

656
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 1: of time is this conversation taking, right, But again, you

657
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 1: have to have done your self care so that you

658
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 1: have the bandwidth to be able to support them in

659
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 1: eating this broccotly exactly, or at least being introduced to

660
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: it right. And you know, sometimes we don't have the time.

661
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,160
Speaker 1: I mean you literally, if you're a single parent or

662
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: you're working parents outside the home, I mean you sometimes

663
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,600
Speaker 1: don't have the time because you're leaving work, picking up

664
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 1: the kids, ticking a home, you have to make dinner.

665
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 1: I mean you literally don't have the time. But that's

666
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,960
Speaker 1: where those reserves are important, so that maybe you're not

667
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 1: finding the time in the middle of the day for

668
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,040
Speaker 1: at the end of the day. But you did it

669
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: on the weekend. You did it earlier in the day.

670
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,440
Speaker 1: You took a lunch break away from your desk, you

671
00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: called up a friend, You called a friend on the

672
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: way home, like you find other ways. Maybe you don't

673
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 1: go home straight. You go to our restaurant let a

674
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: restaurant deal with your kids, you know, you know, maybe

675
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 1: it's going to a park, changing up the routine on

676
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 1: the way to home so that you can find time

677
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 1: to just decompress while your kids play. Maybe they're doing

678
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: their homework at the library before you get home. Like

679
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:46,800
Speaker 1: finding ways, little little small ways to basically find ways

680
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: to kind of rejuvenate and like you said, increase kind

681
00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,320
Speaker 1: of the bandwidth and your ability to be able to

682
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 1: handle that so that way, by the time you're getting

683
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: to the point of feeding them, you can handle it

684
00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 1: because you've had that break you had that you had

685
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,280
Speaker 1: that time to disconnect so that you can reconnect again.

686
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,080
Speaker 1: And maybe you don't introduce a new food at six

687
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,839
Speaker 1: o'clock at the end of the day. There are things

688
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,960
Speaker 1: that are more familiar, because why why engage in the

689
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 1: fight when you know they can't stand liver and lime

690
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:20,480
Speaker 1: of beans that at six o'clock. Maybe that is like

691
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 1: a weekend meal that you try to do exactly to

692
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,840
Speaker 1: expose them to. Right. So again it goes back to

693
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 1: like knowing your kid and knowing what kinds of things

694
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 1: they're likely to kind of resist you on and working

695
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 1: in your schedule so that you make time to be

696
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 1: able to handle those things exactly exactly. And you know

697
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,000
Speaker 1: another really practical too. Learned this with my kids last

698
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,680
Speaker 1: school year. I'm going to do it again this year

699
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: is you have them involved in, for example, a menu

700
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 1: and meal planning. So at the beginning of the week,

701
00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 1: on a Sunday, I tell my kids, Okay, we have

702
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: five days of this school coming up school week, so

703
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 1: what do you want to have off for breakfast on

704
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 1: Monday on Tuesday? Like they literally look at them, We

705
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,359
Speaker 1: look at everything, and we find them and we all

706
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 1: agree to it. Okay, how about lunch, So this is

707
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:03,919
Speaker 1: what the school is serving on these days. You want

708
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,319
Speaker 1: to order lunch or bring a hot bring a lunch

709
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,880
Speaker 1: from home. You do that each day. Okay for dinner,

710
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,440
Speaker 1: what do you want to do? So then we basically

711
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: are doing it and we create a menu. So it's collaborative.

712
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,520
Speaker 1: And if there's a day like or last year one

713
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 1: day my son was like, oh we have lasagna and

714
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 1: today yucky. I was like, dude, you chose it. It's like, oh, yeah,

715
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: that's right. So then it's it's it's less it's they're collaborative.

716
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:31,640
Speaker 1: They are it's predictable. Kids like boundaries, and they like

717
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 1: they like some sense of predictability, and so we need

718
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:37,839
Speaker 1: to make it where we're not just popping up and say, oh,

719
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 1: let's just have something and something random. If you can

720
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,960
Speaker 1: involve them in their in the meal planning, then when

721
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,360
Speaker 1: you go grocery shopping, when you're cooking, they know what

722
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:48,360
Speaker 1: to expect. Whether they're saying, well, we don't have tonight

723
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,719
Speaker 1: and then you're just kind of makeing stuff up. So

724
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: something else. You mentioned Dr Blackheart that I wanted to

725
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,440
Speaker 1: go back to um An Adam and show. I was

726
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,160
Speaker 1: gonna say briefly, but it may not be brief. Probably

727
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:03,719
Speaker 1: you you seem to make a distinction between discipline and punishment,

728
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 1: um and that those are not the same things. So

729
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 1: can you talk to us about the difference and why, um,

730
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: you know why one may be more preferred over the other.

731
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:20,080
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I can be very directive about that. Punishment

732
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,200
Speaker 1: is about the parents, about your anger, you're being annoyed

733
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,440
Speaker 1: and making sure the child feels as much discomfort and

734
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,480
Speaker 1: pain as possible so they don't they don't do it again.

735
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,560
Speaker 1: Discipline is about shaping the child's behavior so that you're

736
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 1: actually teaching them something valuable so that they can generalize

737
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,239
Speaker 1: it to other errors of their life and eventually not

738
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,000
Speaker 1: make that safe mistake again. Well, there you go. So

739
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: it sounds like we should stay away from punishment all

740
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:49,720
Speaker 1: together because punishment make us feel good in the moment,

741
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: but it really is not about shaping the child's behavior,

742
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,440
Speaker 1: not at all, and it doesn't help because if you

743
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: tell a kid or you hit your brother, go to

744
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:59,400
Speaker 1: your room, that's punishment because well, what did you just

745
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,839
Speaker 1: teach them? Nothing like? Okay, now they feel bad. Now

746
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:04,919
Speaker 1: they carry in their room, and now you feel better

747
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:07,720
Speaker 1: because they feel you know, they out by pain or whatever,

748
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 1: but they haven't learned anything about them how to treat

749
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:15,799
Speaker 1: their brother. Instead, discipline would involve saying, you know what,

750
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:17,839
Speaker 1: hitting your brother is not appropriate. That is not how

751
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:19,880
Speaker 1: we treat each other in this family. What do we

752
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 1: need to do to correct the situation? And they hug them,

753
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 1: they apologize whatever it is that you collaboratively look at,

754
00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: and then now they've learned to treat him differently. He

755
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:29,879
Speaker 1: doesn't have to go on a time out, he doesn't

756
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 1: even have to be separated for the family. The lesson

757
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 1: has been learned. That's it. Mm hmm. Okay, So do

758
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:40,280
Speaker 1: you think that things like time out are ever appropriate? Oh? Definitely,

759
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,799
Speaker 1: I think yeah, I definitely. I think that there's some

760
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,799
Speaker 1: parenting strategies that say absolutely no time out. I don't

761
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,439
Speaker 1: fully agree with that. I think there can be times

762
00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,880
Speaker 1: when time out could be good, but it doesn't have

763
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:53,799
Speaker 1: to be shaped as this huge punishment. Sometimes you do

764
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 1: need a time out. I need a time out. And

765
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,840
Speaker 1: there's times we need to physically isolate or remove yourself

766
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,719
Speaker 1: from the situation to almed down. That's part of regulation

767
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 1: that sometimes a kid is so keyed up that they

768
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,920
Speaker 1: need time away if you even call it time in,

769
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,880
Speaker 1: and it doesn't have to be where they're totally isolated

770
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: from everything, they don't have any toys, note books, on nothing.

771
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:17,879
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's about saying, hey, you know what, that was inappropriate,

772
00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 1: You need to go ahead and spend some time in

773
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,960
Speaker 1: your room. That way they can kind of take some

774
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 1: time to unwind. So if my son is really keyed up,

775
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:28,000
Speaker 1: really hyper mouth and off saying things that he shouldn't say,

776
00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:29,840
Speaker 1: I'll say, you know what, sweetheart, it seems like you

777
00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:32,840
Speaker 1: need some time to yourself to kind of relax, and

778
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:34,920
Speaker 1: then he'll go to his room and he's learned that

779
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:38,480
Speaker 1: it's not a punishment, that it's a time to basically decompress.

780
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,239
Speaker 1: And there's times when I'll go back in his room

781
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:45,400
Speaker 1: and he's asleep, okay, so what he needed was rest

782
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:48,400
Speaker 1: he was tired, or he'll be drawing, or he'll be reading,

783
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,600
Speaker 1: and now he's calm, and then I can talk to him,

784
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 1: because if I start to then try to punish him

785
00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:55,440
Speaker 1: in the midst of his behavior, he's not going to

786
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 1: hear it and he's not going to learn anything. But

787
00:38:57,760 --> 00:38:59,879
Speaker 1: then I can say, hey, it sounds like you were

788
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 1: kind of amped up. Just now what was going on?

789
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, you know, I was just feeling very tired,

790
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 1: or I was feeling very over well, or I need

791
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,759
Speaker 1: a break from my sister. I said, okay, well the

792
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: next time you need a break, instead of saying something new,

793
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:15,360
Speaker 1: then just take some time and go to your room.

794
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:18,920
Speaker 1: And so now the message can be heard. That's discipline

795
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 1: because now I'm shaping the behavior. So now he's remembering

796
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 1: that for the future and he can use that in

797
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: the future. And it sounds like a key part of

798
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 1: this is the conversation, right, like the communication about it,

799
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 1: whereas with punishment a lot. It's just like, oh, go

800
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: to your room kind of thing, and there's never any talking.

801
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 1: It's just get out of my face kind of thing,

802
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 1: as opposed to like right, as opposed to go and

803
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 1: take a break and then we can come back together

804
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,879
Speaker 1: and have a conversation about what happened exactly. Yeah, because

805
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: punishment is very much you're as au as a parent

806
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,080
Speaker 1: is talking and yelling and screaming and nagging and whining,

807
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 1: and you're doing all that stuff and the kid is

808
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,879
Speaker 1: maybe receiving it, maybe not um but it's not very

809
00:39:56,920 --> 00:40:00,440
Speaker 1: effective and that stuff sticks with people. I just how

810
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,640
Speaker 1: to post a story recently that I was talking about

811
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 1: on Instagram about how when I work with parents through

812
00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,879
Speaker 1: parent coaching, and these are parents of all ages from

813
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:11,680
Speaker 1: the twenties to the fifties, the thing that has stuck

814
00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:14,279
Speaker 1: with them the most from when they were kids is

815
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:18,759
Speaker 1: parents yelling at them too much, like like crying and

816
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:22,520
Speaker 1: emotional about it, and really how it impacts their whole

817
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:28,360
Speaker 1: life because they felt they were overpunished or nagged that

818
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 1: too much or yell that too much. The only thing

819
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 1: that really sticks and feeling they haven't learned anything from

820
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 1: any of that so we have to be very aware

821
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,120
Speaker 1: of how we speak to our kids because when we're frustrated,

822
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: we're gonna say a lot of things that we're gonna

823
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:43,839
Speaker 1: wish we did say, and it's that sticks with them

824
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:47,759
Speaker 1: more than anything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, So what are

825
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:50,120
Speaker 1: some of your favorite resources as in lack of for

826
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:52,640
Speaker 1: people who wants to know more about like cool regulation

827
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,480
Speaker 1: or you're the things you've shared about discipline. What kinds

828
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:58,279
Speaker 1: of things might you suggest for your parents? So I

829
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 1: think that it's important to make sure that we're feeding

830
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:02,479
Speaker 1: our minds with the right thing. So, like you said,

831
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:05,040
Speaker 1: there's a lot of good in social media in terms

832
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 1: of resources, but there's also something they're not very encouraging.

833
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 1: So we want to make sure that we're following people

834
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:13,040
Speaker 1: and pages that can be uplifting for ourselves as an

835
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:17,719
Speaker 1: individual as well as for learning parenting techniques. So there's

836
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:20,800
Speaker 1: a few and that I think are really great on Instagram.

837
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:24,280
Speaker 1: One is working with parents and that's Terry and Menory

838
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 1: Gay out of Ohio. She's a great parent coach. Cornerstone

839
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 1: Family Services is with Marveie Spence. She is a great resource.

840
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:36,240
Speaker 1: She's in Canada. We have Mercedes and video who's Shameproof Parenting,

841
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 1: and she's great. I really like a lot of her

842
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: resources as well too. Those are a lot of the

843
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,000
Speaker 1: parenting stuff that I really like. Of course my site,

844
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,799
Speaker 1: I do a lot of stuff at DTR in Louise

845
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 1: Lockhart with a lot of parenting encouragement and techniques, but

846
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:52,640
Speaker 1: really looking up specific individuals were either child psychologists or

847
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,960
Speaker 1: parent coaches. I really looking for things that are evidence

848
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:58,319
Speaker 1: based and things that are based on things that are

849
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 1: helpful to you. Also, American Psychological Association website, uh, they

850
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: have a resource called Imagination Press, so it's like imagination

851
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: without the eye, and they have books for parents that

852
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,319
Speaker 1: are based on research, but our children's books, which I

853
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: think is so amazing, and they have things on anxiety

854
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 1: and kids and depression and bullying and divorce and death

855
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 1: and all kinds of really great resources. So if you're

856
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,040
Speaker 1: looking for a book on a particular topic, you can

857
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:27,880
Speaker 1: just go to the A P and website and go

858
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 1: Imagination Press and find all kinds of really good resources

859
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 1: that way. And then I also have a couple of

860
00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:36,120
Speaker 1: the books that can be found on my website at

861
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:39,439
Speaker 1: a New Day Essay dot com, and I have one

862
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 1: on for parents with children who have a d h

863
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:46,360
Speaker 1: D and one on eliminating tantrums and so those are

864
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:48,560
Speaker 1: all based on kind of my personal experiences with my

865
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:50,879
Speaker 1: own kids, because they give me lots of information to

866
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,640
Speaker 1: help others as well as things I've learned from parents

867
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:56,480
Speaker 1: as well as my own training and schooling. So there

868
00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 1: are some really good resources out there. We just have

869
00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,759
Speaker 1: to make sure we get the right stuff for us.

870
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:04,239
Speaker 1: So you've already shared your website, but what are any

871
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,280
Speaker 1: social media handles that you'd like to share at? Dr

872
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: dot and Louise Blockhart Um, so that's mine, and then

873
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:16,439
Speaker 1: my practice is a you at a New Day psych Um,

874
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,040
Speaker 1: So those are the two. And is that on Twitter,

875
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:24,520
Speaker 1: Instagram and Facebook? Uh? It's on Instagram and Facebook? Actually okay,

876
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 1: Instagram and Facebook, Instagram Facebook, so um a New Day

877
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:32,440
Speaker 1: Pediatric Psychology as the Facebook. And then on Instagram it's

878
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:36,600
Speaker 1: at a New Days like got it? Yeah? All right,

879
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 1: And of course all that information would be included in

880
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,239
Speaker 1: the show notes. So anybody who wants to connect with

881
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:43,560
Speaker 1: their website and find all the resources can find it

882
00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:46,600
Speaker 1: really easily. Yes, Well, thank you so much for sharing

883
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,839
Speaker 1: your expertise with us today. Black to blackhood. I really

884
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 1: appreciate it. Yes, and thank you so much for asking.

885
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:54,319
Speaker 1: I really enjoyed talking to you, and I'm hoping this

886
00:43:54,480 --> 00:43:57,480
Speaker 1: can be helpful to parents because parenting is tough and

887
00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 1: you're not alone in this journey. There are lots of

888
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 1: people and resources that can help you out. Absolutely, thank you.

889
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that Dr Lockhart was able to share

890
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:11,360
Speaker 1: her expertise with us today. To get more information about

891
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 1: her and her practice, are to check out the resources

892
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,280
Speaker 1: that she shared. Be sure to visit the show notes

893
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:21,360
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session one twenty,

894
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:23,600
Speaker 1: and please make sure to share this episode with the

895
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 1: parents in your life so that they can hear all

896
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 1: the valuable information she shared as well. If you're searching

897
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 1: for a therapist in your area, make sure that you

898
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,080
Speaker 1: check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls

899
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,719
Speaker 1: dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue

900
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: digging into this topic and meet some other sisters in

901
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,880
Speaker 1: your area, come on over and join us in the

902
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:47,879
Speaker 1: Yellow Couch Collective, where we take a deeper dive into

903
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:51,000
Speaker 1: the topics from the podcast and just about everything else.

904
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 1: You can join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot

905
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:57,799
Speaker 1: com slash y c C and don't forget to check

906
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,280
Speaker 1: out our online store, where you can grab a copy

907
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:03,920
Speaker 1: of our guided Affirmation track, break Up Journal, or a

908
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls T shirt or mug. You can

909
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 1: grab your goodies at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

910
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 1: slash shop. Thank y'all so much for joining me again

911
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 1: this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with

912
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:33,920
Speaker 1: you all real soon. Take it care what