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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that has the perfect stocking stuffer

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Speaker 1: for the ones you love this holiday season. A twelve

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Speaker 1: pack of tickets to your favorite Pyramid Scheme meetings.

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Speaker 2: Oh wow, you.

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Speaker 1: Can go to all of us, one for every month.

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Speaker 2: It's called the Dirty Dozen. Man.

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Speaker 1: You are welcome, Grandma. Send your gratitude over to Laser Story.

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Speaker 2: Don't wait to hear about those stretch pants, the.

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Speaker 1: Segment where we read weird news stories around the globe,

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Speaker 1: just like everyone else does, except we've got a laser.

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Speaker 2: Those other Ponzi pals just don't.

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Speaker 1: This first Laser Story is out of that doesn't taste

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Speaker 1: quite right Headquarters if you're not familiar, The restaurant chain

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Speaker 1: Chopped has about eighty locations around the country and they

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Speaker 1: call themselves the Creative Salad Company.

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Speaker 3: Oh okay, it's one of those salad bowl mixing places

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Speaker 3: where you go in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the main thing they serve.

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Speaker 1: But a Connecticut woman named Alison Cozy just filed a

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Speaker 1: lawsuit after an ingredient she did not ask for ended

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Speaker 1: up in her salad.

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Speaker 3: Please tell me it wasn't someone's finger. Well, I mean

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Speaker 3: it's chopped right, So it seems like there's some problems.

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Speaker 2: That's why you think.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Well, according to reports, after taking a fork full, she

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Speaker 1: started chewing on something a little weird. A few seconds later,

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Speaker 1: she realized the thing she was gnawing on was part

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Speaker 1: of someone's fingers.

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Speaker 3: That was like, that was oh hah, it's obviously going

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Speaker 3: to be a dead rat. What.

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Speaker 1: According to the lawsuit, the manager of the store was

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Speaker 1: chopping arugula, lopped off part of her left index finger

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Speaker 1: and then had to be rushed to the er.

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Speaker 3: But my god, it's like eating at my mom's house.

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Speaker 3: I mean, there's always a little bit of my mom's blood.

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Speaker 2: In our floor. She cuts herself no matter.

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Speaker 3: What, I be honest.

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Speaker 1: But the store stayed open and they still serve some

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Speaker 1: of the lettuce that she'd been prepared.

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Speaker 2: Why are you chopp at arugula too? It's like already

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Speaker 2: so small.

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Speaker 1: Even though this happened more than six months ago, Alison

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Speaker 1: just filed her lawsuit on Monday. Her lawyer says she's

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Speaker 1: been dealing with stress, anxiety, and panic attacks for months.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't blame her. She's not only her own fingernails,

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Speaker 2: she's biting other people's. No word on how much she's

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Speaker 2: suing for, but apparently it's a lot. Yeah, I will do.

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Speaker 3: She can't ever eat a salad again though.

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Speaker 2: That's her chopped.

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Speaker 1: They're getting a lot of bad press for this, but

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Speaker 1: it is pretty on brand with their names, so maybe

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Speaker 1: that just evens out.

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Speaker 2: Okay, we were wishing for an equal I.

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Speaker 3: Breakout justeotype this next.

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Speaker 2: The story is out of Bethesda, Maryland.

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Speaker 1: A man named Dan Stanford pulled up to a business,

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Speaker 1: put his Porsche in park, and right as he was

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Speaker 1: getting out of the car, three men grabbed him and

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Speaker 1: demanded his keys.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, see that's why you got to drive

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Speaker 3: not such a nice car.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, that's true. And then they started pistol whipping

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Speaker 2: him with a gun. Is terrible. How scary guys? Do

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Speaker 2: you know how quickly I would give up my car?

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Speaker 2: Why are you pistol whipping me? You're gonna look at

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Speaker 2: me weird, and I'm like, I'll give it to you.

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Speaker 1: Eventually, Dan threw the keys at the men and ran

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Speaker 1: into the nearby business to call the cops. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: when he looked out the window and saw his Porsche

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Speaker 1: SUV jolt forward and then stall out, jolt forward again,

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Speaker 1: only to stall again.

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Speaker 2: Is it a manual? Is somebody put in the stick shore?

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Speaker 1: Problem? Is Dan's porch is a stick shift? A thieves

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Speaker 1: could not figure it out?

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Speaker 3: That's like embarrassing heavy nightmares to be in sixteen and

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Speaker 3: my dad teaching me all over kaling the car.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, balance the clutch, no, no, no, pull the clutch slow.

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Speaker 1: After watching his cargo hrky jerky for four straight minutes

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Speaker 1: in the parking lot, the carjackers all finally jumped out

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Speaker 1: and back into their beat up Civic to escape.

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Speaker 2: Bust the transmissions embarrassing.

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Speaker 1: Dan said the scene looked like something from a dumb

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Speaker 1: comedy film. He's recovering from his injuries now as the

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Speaker 1: police are searching for the suspects. Afterwards, officers said owning

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Speaker 1: a manual transmission car might just be the best way

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Speaker 1: to deter theft, adding that only eighteen percent of Americans

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Speaker 1: know how to drive stick neck.

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Speaker 2: I missed driving.

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Speaker 3: I mean there's no better way to peel out than

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Speaker 3: with a stick chi Oh yeah.

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Speaker 1: Next laser stories out of Food News.

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Speaker 2: If you buy Kraft mac and cheese, you know what

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Speaker 2: to expect.

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Speaker 1: Macaroni cheese and one of the cheapest easiest least nutritious

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Speaker 1: meals of the entire waste.

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Speaker 2: You could add broccoli.

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Speaker 3: It's delicious.

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Speaker 1: But all that's about to change because reports are out

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Speaker 1: that Craft is actually mixing the cheese in the mac

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Speaker 1: and cheese.

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Speaker 3: It's too spicy for Alexis.

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Speaker 1: I know that it's a little confusing, but it won't

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Speaker 1: just be a box of noodles. There's a new product

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Speaker 1: called Craft Not Mac and Cheese, and it features a

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Speaker 1: dairy free cheese.

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Speaker 2: Alternative to its usual powdered concoction.

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Speaker 1: Yes, believe it or not, that powdered cheese actually has.

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Speaker 2: Dairy in it.

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Speaker 3: Wow, that's crazy. So they're like, we're just gonna remove

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Speaker 3: the point one percent of milk that was in there.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be showing up in grocery stores soon. It'll

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Speaker 1: come in two varieties, original and white cheddar with shells.

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Speaker 1: Both will be priced at three dollars forty nine centsy.

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Speaker 2: Plant based just makes it sound fancier. That's why its.

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Speaker 1: The first time Kraft has offered a vegan plant based option,

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Speaker 1: which they say has a similar taste looking feel to

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Speaker 1: dairy based mac and cheese. In other words, it's better

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Speaker 1: than it sounds.

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Speaker 3: I will say, I've been to a couple vegan restaurants

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Speaker 3: and when I've ordered the mac and cheese, it's surprisingly

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Speaker 3: amazing real, yes, like.

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Speaker 2: Rich and creamy.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, how is this possible to give it a shot?

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Speaker 2: Well, if you lower your standard so much, like anything

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Speaker 2: is gonna taste come on, we'll check a.

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Speaker 1: Chance that's going in this body, out of this next

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Speaker 1: Lazer stories, out of tech trends dot Wow, you're probably

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Speaker 1: familiar with the nerd emoji. Yeah, the dark glasses and

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Speaker 1: the buck teeth.

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Speaker 2: I know it, I know it.

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Speaker 1: I know A ten year old boy in the UK

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Speaker 1: named Teddy is uncomfortable with it and thinks it is

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Speaker 1: insulting to people like him who wear glasses.

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Speaker 3: Oh, Teddy, come on now, I've worn glasses since third grade.

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Speaker 2: Teddy, get on board.

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Speaker 3: Just embrace who you are Teddy.

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Speaker 2: No, he refuses to do that.

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Speaker 1: Instead, he's launched an online petition to have it tweaked.

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Speaker 1: He wants the teeth replaced with a proper smile, and

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Speaker 1: for it to be renamed the genius emoji. Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: sounds exactly like something a nerd would say.

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Speaker 3: Listen, Teddy, changing the emoji is not going to change.

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Speaker 2: How we live. Yeah, I'm with you, buddy.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, who is a ten year old? Long before the emoji,

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Speaker 3: let me tell yeah, there was still a stigma.

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Speaker 2: I wanted to be the CEO super billionaire.

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Speaker 1: Last week check though the petition only had two hundred

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Speaker 1: and nine signatures, but it's still early.

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Speaker 2: Teddy even drew a photo of what.

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Speaker 1: He'd like to see the genius emoji look like, but

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Speaker 1: surprisingly Apple has not responded to him.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and Teddy's got to remember the people making these

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Speaker 3: emojis also nerds.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Not sure if you know this, but this guy also

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Speaker 1: has his own petition out. Not allowed to say what

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Speaker 1: he's asking for, at least not on the radio. But

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Speaker 1: I can tell you he's got exactly sixty nine signatures

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Speaker 1: and he is stopping right there, no more, no less.

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Speaker 1: That's how he likes it, And that means Laser Stories

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Speaker 1: has come to an end for the day.

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Speaker 2: We'll do it again, same time on Monday again.

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Speaker 3: Jeffrey in the morning,