Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, you know the deal. It
Speaker 1: is very great to have you here. Back for another
Speaker 1: episode as we dive into the psychology of our twenties. Today,
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about something a little bit different.
Speaker 1: I think Normally on this show we love to take
Speaker 1: a specific topic and dive into all of the studies,
Speaker 1: dive into all of the of course science behind it.
Speaker 1: But we're going to step back for today's episode and
Speaker 1: just look at the lives that we are creating from
Speaker 1: a holistic point of view, and the ways in which
Speaker 1: we can actually design a life that we truly love
Speaker 1: based on of course, like some of those core propositions
Speaker 1: and core theories to do with what makes us happy,
Speaker 1: what makes us satisfied, what it actually means to enjoy
Speaker 1: life from a psychological perspective, I think a big worry
Speaker 1: for a lot of us in our twenties and me.
Speaker 1: Included is this kind of lingering question of how do
Speaker 1: I get the most out of my life. How do
Speaker 1: I ensure that when the time comes and I'm on
Speaker 1: my deathbed, there's nothing left to do, there's nothing left
Speaker 1: to say that I can look back and be like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, wow, I had a really great life, not
Speaker 1: just that I had a life that I really loved.
Speaker 1: I think that very existential questioning of feeling like we
Speaker 1: have to make a lot of decisions right now to
Speaker 1: set ourselves up for future happiness can keep us up
Speaker 1: at night. You know, we want to feel in control.
Speaker 1: We want to feel like we have some say in
Speaker 1: choosing what we want from these you know, seventy to
Speaker 1: eighty odd years that we get if we're lucky. And
Speaker 1: I think more than that general just sense of purpose
Speaker 1: and general sense of satisfaction, we also want that daily enjoyment.
Speaker 1: We want to wake up and be excited by the
Speaker 1: lives that we are creating, but also the lives that
Speaker 1: we are currently living. I think it's one of the
Speaker 1: best feelings in the world when you go to sleep
Speaker 1: at night and just feel grateful. You feel grateful for
Speaker 1: your friends, you feel grateful for where you're at in
Speaker 1: your career. You feel grateful for all the joy and
Speaker 1: the happiness that you're experiencing and bringing. So how do
Speaker 1: we make that a reality. I think it's, you know,
Speaker 1: one of those big conundrums where at some stage you're
Speaker 1: going to reach a turning point and realize that what
Speaker 1: you've been doing so far might not actually create a
Speaker 1: future that you're really excited about, especially during this decade
Speaker 1: when we feel like we are on the cusp of
Speaker 1: a lot of huge life decisions, but also kind of
Speaker 1: at a crosswords where we're trying to make the best
Speaker 1: choice for us that's going to set us up for
Speaker 1: long term happiness. I want to take some of the
Speaker 1: pressure off. I want to take some of the pressure
Speaker 1: off from feeling like there is a singular decision that
Speaker 1: is going to make you happy in the future, a
Speaker 1: singular decision that is going to allow you to build
Speaker 1: a life that you love and focus on those core
Speaker 1: principles and five kind of practical things that you can
Speaker 1: do that regardless regardless of what's going on around you,
Speaker 1: regardless of what the world throws at you, regardless of
Speaker 1: your choices, you can still be happy. You can still
Speaker 1: feel contentment, and I don't think it's going to be
Speaker 1: necessarily easy. I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, just follow these five simple steps, you'll be
Speaker 1: done in thirty minutes. Like obviously, not anything worth having.
Speaker 1: I think comes with hard work, it comes with self reflection,
Speaker 1: it comes with dedication. But the person that you are
Speaker 1: investing in is yourself. That's what I really want to
Speaker 1: remind you, Like, this is your best investment, best investment ever,
Speaker 1: is to set yourself up for a beautiful life. To
Speaker 1: set yourself up for a life that you love. So
Speaker 1: let's talk through it today. I'm super excited for this episode,
Speaker 1: and I think if you're listening, hopefully you're excited as well.
Speaker 1: When we begin this process of essentially designing our lives
Speaker 1: and designing our futures, we cannot go into this transformation
Speaker 1: from a place of blindness. You know. We actually need
Speaker 1: to identify those crucial points where we are dissatisfied, where
Speaker 1: we are perhaps getting ourselves into a rut, Like what
Speaker 1: is actually the problem here that is causing us to
Speaker 1: want to take action? I think we tend to get
Speaker 1: stuck in the life that is easiest for us, the
Speaker 1: life that is convenient and comfortable, even though it's maybe
Speaker 1: not what we truly want. I think this is because
Speaker 1: as humans, we naturally crave our creature comforts and you know,
Speaker 1: what seems familiar. We are innately scared of situations, events,
Speaker 1: choices that are going to disrupt the norm. It also
Speaker 1: might be that we don't necessarily feel like we have
Speaker 1: the tools that are necessary to redesign our life because
Speaker 1: we have become so stagnant and stuck in our patterns
Speaker 1: and stuck in our daily routine. We've kind of reached
Speaker 1: this point where we've stopped believing in our agency and
Speaker 1: in our self efficacy, which is essentially our sense of
Speaker 1: feeling in control of our decisions and our future. That
Speaker 1: is a really hard pattern to break out of, and
Speaker 1: before we can build a life we love, I think
Speaker 1: we actually have to deconstruct the one that we have.
Speaker 1: And even if you are at like a seven or
Speaker 1: an eight, or even a nine out of ten on
Speaker 1: like life satisfaction, it's still possible to really raise that
Speaker 1: ceiling for what you want and what you expect. So
Speaker 1: this first tip, this entire approach of deconstructing the life
Speaker 1: you have, really relies on choosing courage over comfort, and
Speaker 1: challenging what you have come to expect from life by
Speaker 1: identifying where maybe certain events and experiences are not contributing
Speaker 1: to your expectations and shaping your life around that potential,
Speaker 1: that potential for improvement. So what we need to look
Speaker 1: at in general is kind of the four biggest areas
Speaker 1: of life where we feel the most dissatisfaction. We have
Speaker 1: money and career, of course, we have our relationships. We
Speaker 1: have our health, which includes mental health. And then this
Speaker 1: final one which I think we don't often discuss, which
Speaker 1: is values and spirituality. And I'm including that last one
Speaker 1: because I think it is a facet of our mental
Speaker 1: and psychological well being that we often neglect. It's very hard, though,
Speaker 1: to feel like you are building this life that you
Speaker 1: love when you don't actually believe in anything, when you
Speaker 1: have nothing to put your faith in, and that doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily have to do with religion. I think values are
Speaker 1: equally as important, but more than that, a sense that
Speaker 1: you have a mission and a purpose in life. That
Speaker 1: could be a mission to improve the lives of others,
Speaker 1: a mission to create something beautiful, to solve some problem
Speaker 1: that we see. I think we all need something that
Speaker 1: we're passionate about and something that drives us. It is
Speaker 1: very hard to even feel like you want to change
Speaker 1: your life if there's no direction for that. You know,
Speaker 1: the other areas are pretty self explanatory. I think we
Speaker 1: all know what it means to be dissatisfied in it
Speaker 1: in a job or in a relationship, or dissatisfied with
Speaker 1: our health. You know who doesn't worry about those things
Speaker 1: at least once a week or even daily, You know,
Speaker 1: because they are truly a foundation for a happy life.
Speaker 1: The easiest way, though, to identify what your main source
Speaker 1: of dissatisfaction is is to actually follow the stress, to
Speaker 1: notice where you carry the most stress. What do you
Speaker 1: think about the most when your thoughts are wondering, or
Speaker 1: when you're falling asleep and all the busyness of the
Speaker 1: day has kind of ceased. What are you left thinking
Speaker 1: about in those moments? Is it? You know? I wish
Speaker 1: I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I wish
Speaker 1: that I was doing something I was genuinely excited to do.
Speaker 1: I wish I had more friends. I wish I felt
Speaker 1: more like myself in my own skin. Our anxiety and
Speaker 1: worries might seem really scary and really frustrating, and we
Speaker 1: might choose to avoid them because of the discomfort that
Speaker 1: they bring. However, I think that is the biggest mistake
Speaker 1: we make is and that the reason why is because
Speaker 1: these worries, these fears. Firstly, when we ignore them, we
Speaker 1: know that suppression inevitably will lead to these fears just
Speaker 1: gaining more power over us because we are avoiding them.
Speaker 1: But when it comes to building a life we love,
Speaker 1: those worries are your best friend because they are shining
Speaker 1: a bright neon flashing light exactly where you should be
Speaker 1: starting where there is the most room for improvement. So
Speaker 1: maybe you're at this point where I going to use
Speaker 1: that example of like you're super dissatisfied with your career.
Speaker 1: That's a really big one for a lot of us.
Speaker 1: It's not fulfilling, you're bored, you're annoyed at your coworkers.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the reason why we continue to stay in those
Speaker 1: situations in a life we don't love is because we
Speaker 1: don't know what it means to pursue a different kind
Speaker 1: of future, and we are scared of what that future
Speaker 1: might look like, that it might be worse if the
Speaker 1: life you have found yourself in is not the life
Speaker 1: that you love. You really have a duty to question
Speaker 1: not only what needs to change and in what area,
Speaker 1: but what the potential outcome of a change might be.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna explain this a little bit further. There
Speaker 1: is an incredible book actually on this topic, and it
Speaker 1: is literally called Designing Your Life. It's written by two
Speaker 1: Stanford professors. There's also a Ted talk about it that
Speaker 1: I really recommend, and they talk about this exercise called
Speaker 1: the Odyssey plan. So the time between like our twenties
Speaker 1: and our thirties is what they call our odyssey years,
Speaker 1: like our years of exploration, where we are in this
Speaker 1: strange vacuum between childhood and what we see is real adulthood.
Speaker 1: And during this time it is absolutely necessary to test
Speaker 1: in your mind different life paths or ideas about your future.
Speaker 1: A lot of the time, though, the way we are
Speaker 1: told to approach this is super limiting, you know. So
Speaker 1: we're always told to think about our five year plan,
Speaker 1: or what do you want to be when you grow up?
Speaker 1: Or what are you going to do next? What are
Speaker 1: you going to do after graduation, after high school? After
Speaker 1: this job contract ends That way of approaching the future
Speaker 1: doesn't actually allow us to be creative because it suggests
Speaker 1: that there is one answer. But the idea behind this
Speaker 1: Odyssey plan exercise is to think a bit broader and
Speaker 1: to come up with three different plans or versions of
Speaker 1: your future life by asking yourself three questions. If your
Speaker 1: life was to continue the way it was, what would
Speaker 1: a day in five years time look like? Go into
Speaker 1: as much detail as possible. We've talked about this before.
Speaker 1: But what are you eating for breakfast? Who are you
Speaker 1: living with, where are you living? What does your day
Speaker 1: look like? What do you do for fun? Imagine that
Speaker 1: situation five years from now. Nothing changes now, think about
Speaker 1: what happens if this plan that you're currently living out
Speaker 1: doesn't work. What would you want from your life instead?
Speaker 1: And what would a day in your life in five
Speaker 1: years time look like? Then? If this plan a of
Speaker 1: this current routine doesn't work out, what would you choose instead?
Speaker 1: Would it be any different? Are you maybe picturing yourself
Speaker 1: happier or more fulfilled? And finally, what would a day
Speaker 1: in your life look like in five years time? If money, time,
Speaker 1: and social expectations did not matter, if you could do
Speaker 1: exactly what you wanted, how do you feel then, So
Speaker 1: I think the last question always gets people in a
Speaker 1: bit of a tizzy because they're like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: money and time and social expectations do matter. Of course
Speaker 1: they do, of course they matter. They are so limiting,
Speaker 1: very limiting. And it's not to say that you need
Speaker 1: to picture this ideal life and live it out. It's
Speaker 1: more so being like, if if you take away all
Speaker 1: of these external factors that control our happiness, what is
Speaker 1: the core of your idea of a happy life when
Speaker 1: none of these things matter. And it's really interesting to
Speaker 1: see how this exercise changes the older you get. So
Speaker 1: for example, when I first did this exercise a few
Speaker 1: years back, I was twenty and I was, oh, my gosh,
Speaker 1: I think I was still working in hospitality. I must
Speaker 1: have been. I was still working in hospitality. And you
Speaker 1: know what, if I was still working in hospitality now,
Speaker 1: I think I would be miserable my year, you know,
Speaker 1: day in a life five years from back then would
Speaker 1: not be a life that I necessarily want. Now. My
Speaker 1: backup plan was I'm going to go into consulting, which
Speaker 1: I did actually end up doing. And you know what,
Speaker 1: that life was really amazing for some time. But when
Speaker 1: I really thought about it, and I started contemplating that
Speaker 1: fine idea of a life where you are not constrained
Speaker 1: by money, time, social expectations. I got a better idea
Speaker 1: of what I really wanted to do, and that was
Speaker 1: to do something where I was creative, where I was
Speaker 1: my own boss, and where I lived according to that
Speaker 1: mission that we were talking about before. So this multiverse exercise,
Speaker 1: I think the real power and significance in it is
Speaker 1: that it allows you to recognize what life has to offer,
Speaker 1: and it allows you to not be scared when things
Speaker 1: don't go according to plan and embrace the courage of
Speaker 1: change and practical change things that you are going to change. So,
Speaker 1: after deconstructing your life and identifying where you aren't dissatisfied
Speaker 1: and how that might need to change in the next
Speaker 1: five years, what it could look like, you need to
Speaker 1: start prototyping and testing those different versions of the future
Speaker 1: to start with, choose one area that you can improve
Speaker 1: where you will se the most growth. So, for example,
Speaker 1: we've talked about the career one quite a bit, but
Speaker 1: health is another really big element of this, and often
Speaker 1: it is a huge source of dissatisfaction for us. We
Speaker 1: don't like how we feel in our bodies. We don't
Speaker 1: like how we're treating ourselves. We don't like X, Y
Speaker 1: and z. That is holding you back from a happy
Speaker 1: life and is your duty to change it. So instead
Speaker 1: of going in and being like, oh or nothing, I'm
Speaker 1: going to become like the fittest version of myself. I'm
Speaker 1: going to be so healthy. I'm never going to have
Speaker 1: a depressed or anxious thought ever. Instead, what you want
Speaker 1: to do is spend just fifteen minutes a day working
Speaker 1: on that area of your life in a positive direction,
Speaker 1: whether it is exercising for fifteen minutes, building your resume
Speaker 1: for fifteen minutes, or finding a passion project that you
Speaker 1: do every day fifteen minutes that contributes to future career opportunities,
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes of texting back all your friends or giving
Speaker 1: them a call, building that community. That little change is
Speaker 1: going to go a long way. I think the reason
Speaker 1: why is twofold. Firstly, when we think about like creating
Speaker 1: our dream life, often we do think about this big
Speaker 1: future right that's like twenty years down the line, and
Speaker 1: that is so daunting, And when we just think about
Speaker 1: the outcome, it is so big in our minds and
Speaker 1: we want to get there so fast. We're such impatient
Speaker 1: creatures that we forget that we actually have to be
Speaker 1: acting on our dreams and goals. Your dream life might
Speaker 1: involve a really nice terrorist in a big city. Sadly,
Speaker 1: that's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen
Speaker 1: if you take fifteen minutes a day to educate yourself
Speaker 1: on investing or to go over your spending. If you
Speaker 1: want to one day write a book that you get
Speaker 1: a hold in your hands and say, you know, I
Speaker 1: wrote this book. I wrote every word. That doesn't happen
Speaker 1: from wishful thinking. It happens from writing for just fifteen
Speaker 1: minutes every day. And the fifteen minute rule really helps
Speaker 1: us overcome our all or nothing thinking that keeps us
Speaker 1: in a place where we are scared of even starting.
Speaker 1: I think this fear of starting comes from a few things.
Speaker 1: The biggest one to me is perfectionism. I talk about
Speaker 1: this quite a bit, this idea of perfectionism procrastination. If
Speaker 1: we aren't completely sure that our plan is going to work,
Speaker 1: that our future is going to be perfect, why start?
Speaker 1: Why even begin? Because we are so held back by
Speaker 1: this sense that if it's not exactly what I want
Speaker 1: Why should I put in the effort. Why should I
Speaker 1: face the possibility of failing, the possibility of setting my
Speaker 1: sights really high and not be able to reach them
Speaker 1: and being disappointed. So that's one of the first reasons
Speaker 1: is when we want to create our dream life, when
Speaker 1: we want to change something really significant, it's very daunting
Speaker 1: because there's a lot of room for failure. And the
Speaker 1: other thing is to do with analysis paralysis. Something that
Speaker 1: I really like to talk about is choice overload. This
Speaker 1: idea that there is a lot of different choices for
Speaker 1: people like you and I in our twenties, and often
Speaker 1: we think that having a lot of choice brings about
Speaker 1: a lot of freedom, brings about a lot of options.
Speaker 1: It actually does the opposite. It creates this thing called
Speaker 1: analysis paralysis, where because there are so many paths that
Speaker 1: we can take into our future lives, because there are
Speaker 1: so many different things that we want to do. We
Speaker 1: want to travel, we want the career, we want to
Speaker 1: settle down, we want to go and pursue acting or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Because there are so many different dreams
Speaker 1: that we hold at one time, it is so hard
Speaker 1: to choose one. So we don't choose any of them
Speaker 1: at all that means that not only do we not create,
Speaker 1: we just don't end up creating any life that we
Speaker 1: love because it's so much easier, like I said, to
Speaker 1: just stay in the place where we're comfortable. We don't
Speaker 1: have to challenge ourselves. We don't have to potentially go
Speaker 1: through mentally and emotionally unco comfortable experiences such as failure.
Speaker 1: But I think the fifteen minute rule allows us to
Speaker 1: get comfortable with the risk, and get comfortable with some
Speaker 1: of the discipline that we need, and slowly see improvements
Speaker 1: such that when the time comes that we might have
Speaker 1: to make a big change, we already feel prepared. And
Speaker 1: my mom used to always have this saying, shout out
Speaker 1: to my mum, she's amazing, very wise woman. And you
Speaker 1: know what, it probably isn't even her saying, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to give her credit for it, but she is
Speaker 1: to always say the easiest things aren't always worth having
Speaker 1: because if everyone could have it, they would. And when
Speaker 1: you think about fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes to devote to
Speaker 1: just something that you really want in your life that's
Speaker 1: really going to improve your life, the majority of people
Speaker 1: don't take that time at all. You also discover that
Speaker 1: with each of these these days, that you continue to
Speaker 1: do something that you love and do something that's good
Speaker 1: for you, what you're actually going to find is what
Speaker 1: you really want in life. So I'm going to explain
Speaker 1: that a little bit. When we set our sides and
Speaker 1: me saying Okay, I want to do this thing for
Speaker 1: fifteen minutes, say for example, that's writing, When we begin
Speaker 1: to notice that that fifteen minute starts turning into an
Speaker 1: hour or even more, you realize that you're doing it
Speaker 1: because it's something that you love and it's become part
Speaker 1: of your lifestyle. Creating the life you love is not
Speaker 1: about huge, massive decisions that are going to completely like
Speaker 1: move you to a whole new spectrum of life, and
Speaker 1: they're not going to completely change your path in the moment.
Speaker 1: It's also about building up good habits towards the practices
Speaker 1: and the future that you want to build over time.
Speaker 1: So we've spoken a lot about the planning phase and
Speaker 1: what we can contribute to our lives through those small moments,
Speaker 1: and you know that is really amazing to have vision,
Speaker 1: But we equally need to identify the things that don't
Speaker 1: make us happy. I think improving your life isn't always
Speaker 1: about addition. Sometimes it's about subtraction as well, and I
Speaker 1: think that's something that the self help space sometimes misses.
Speaker 1: You know, it's always a new lifestyle plan or a
Speaker 1: new trending exercise, or a book or a product, or
Speaker 1: more relationships or more healthy foods or more whatever. But
Speaker 1: sometimes we actually need to be in the space and
Speaker 1: the mindset of removal. We kind of need to, you know,
Speaker 1: Marie Condor our lives and the habits that are holding
Speaker 1: us back. It's hard to fully love the life that
Speaker 1: you are creating when you are beholden to a nasty friendship,
Speaker 1: or you are eating food that makes you feel unwell
Speaker 1: all the time, or you have a routine that leaves
Speaker 1: you bored and miserable and unable to wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning, or a job that is completely draining you.
Speaker 1: There is nothing that you can continue to add to
Speaker 1: your life that is ever going to replace the things
Speaker 1: that continue to drain your energy. And there's a quote
Speaker 1: I saw the other day that I think really puts
Speaker 1: this quite well, which is your new life is going
Speaker 1: to cost to your old one, and that includes those
Speaker 1: habits that hold us back that we might might make
Speaker 1: us happy in the moment, or which are too difficult
Speaker 1: to address, but in the long term end up acting
Speaker 1: as almost a form of self sabotage. I have an
Speaker 1: example of this for you. It's around drinking. And if
Speaker 1: you listen to an episode I did a while back
Speaker 1: around Should You Quit Drinking in your twenties, you'll know
Speaker 1: a bit about this story. But for the longest time,
Speaker 1: I had a really bad relationship with alcohol. I think
Speaker 1: that I grew up really wanting to be cool and
Speaker 1: really wanting to fit in, and also being kind of
Speaker 1: socially anxious and alcohol. When I entered UNI, and even
Speaker 1: like post grad life, alcohol is like the most amazing
Speaker 1: social lubricant, and it makes everything feel more fun and
Speaker 1: more free, and it's just such an easy way to
Speaker 1: socialize with people. I began to realize though, that actually
Speaker 1: alcohol was the one of the big things that was
Speaker 1: almost acting to undermine the life that I wanted. Every
Speaker 1: time I would drink, I would always I didn't really
Speaker 1: know when to stop, if that makes sense. I didn't
Speaker 1: really know what it was like to not drink every day,
Speaker 1: and I would always kind of find a way to
Speaker 1: kind of do that. And what ended up happening. Was
Speaker 1: I was always completely you know, physically drained. I didn't
Speaker 1: feel healthy. I didn't always have a hangover, but when
Speaker 1: I did, it really like wasn't great. I couldn't be productive.
Speaker 1: And I think that that's a great example of almost
Speaker 1: like addition by subtraction, your life improving by removing things
Speaker 1: that you might feel completely reliant on but which are
Speaker 1: actually causing you a lot of long term suffering. And
Speaker 1: it's about identifying what's a driving you to keep those
Speaker 1: things in your life even when they're at the expense
Speaker 1: of your future self. Is it peer pressure, is loneliness,
Speaker 1: is it dependence? Those things all take away our ability
Speaker 1: to control our lives and kind of be the director,
Speaker 1: you know, like we want to be the writer, the producer,
Speaker 1: the director of our lives. We want to be in control,
Speaker 1: not our impulses, not our cravings, not our fixations, not
Speaker 1: our bad relationships. So I think cutting things out obviously
Speaker 1: takes a lot of focus. The thing that a lot
Speaker 1: of us make, I think the biggest mistake a lot
Speaker 1: of us make is that we just want to try
Speaker 1: and transform every domain of our life at once, and
Speaker 1: we want to just do a whole big cleanse. Instead,
Speaker 1: I want you to think about the one thing that
Speaker 1: is holding you back right now, only one, and focus
Speaker 1: on that put your energy into removing that from your life.
Speaker 1: I always like to imagine the kind of final hero story,
Speaker 1: if that makes sense, what it will feel like to
Speaker 1: tell someone one in six months, in a year, and
Speaker 1: five years what that journey was like for me, Like, Wow,
Speaker 1: that was a really hard decision, but I'm glad that
Speaker 1: I did it. I can tell you that I did
Speaker 1: this from the point of hindsight, being in a space
Speaker 1: where that thing is no longer in my life. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that I quit vaping when I was
Speaker 1: twenty five, and not at forty. I'm so glad I
Speaker 1: decided to stop drinking every night. I'm so glad that
Speaker 1: I realized at twenty three that that person was not
Speaker 1: good for me, and not at thirty when I had
Speaker 1: seven years to act. And all along these things were
Speaker 1: actually keeping me from being truly fulfilled by a life
Speaker 1: that is my own. So we're going to take a
Speaker 1: quick break now, but when we return, I want to
Speaker 1: talk about a few more kind of joyous habits and
Speaker 1: practices that I think we all need to apply when
Speaker 1: designing a life that we don't just love but we
Speaker 1: absolutely and truly adore. So will we be back after
Speaker 1: this short break? I don't know who needs a reminder
Speaker 1: of But life is meant to be really, really fun,
Speaker 1: and there are meant to be really amazing moments, And
Speaker 1: it's okay and totally amazing to be excited by things
Speaker 1: and to be pursuing happiness and pursuing joy and pursuing
Speaker 1: nostalgia and like ecstasy and like all the good and
Speaker 1: happy feelings. Sometimes I think we forget that in kind
Speaker 1: of the structures of daily living, and particularly in a
Speaker 1: world that really focuses on material possessions and material wealth.
Speaker 1: But if you've listened to this podcast for a while,
Speaker 1: you will know that joy is such an important emotion
Speaker 1: and such an important emotion for creating a life that
Speaker 1: you love is putting joy at the center of what
Speaker 1: you choose to do. We overlook this feeling in so
Speaker 1: many conversations, and sometimes we overlook it for things like love,
Speaker 1: and we are look for things like happiness. But joy
Speaker 1: is so much more delicate and beautiful and easy to
Speaker 1: kind of cure and easy to find. I think it's
Speaker 1: also something that is so immaterial and yet such a
Speaker 1: key ingredient to happiness and life satisfaction. I've actually been
Speaker 1: looking into this a lot recently, and we're seeing so
Speaker 1: much evidence for the power of joy coming out of
Speaker 1: a bunch of really huge research institutions like Harvard and Stanford,
Speaker 1: all of them saying that more than money, more than fame,
Speaker 1: more than success, more than even good genes, joy is
Speaker 1: one of the most powerful factors in what determines a
Speaker 1: good life. One of the longest longitudinal studies ever conducted
Speaker 1: in the history of modern psychology and modern medicine focused
Speaker 1: on what made a good life. They recruited two hundred
Speaker 1: and sixty eight sophomores from Harvard back in the nineteen thirties,
Speaker 1: and they followed them for eighty years, and then they
Speaker 1: also followed their children, and these days only nineteen of
Speaker 1: the origine n two hundred and sixty eight are alive.
Speaker 1: But by tracking these individuals for essentially their whole lives,
Speaker 1: so you're able to see exactly what determined longevity and
Speaker 1: happiness and health into those later decades. And what they
Speaker 1: found was amazing. They showed how protective healthy relationships are
Speaker 1: for our health. How important empathy is, and also optimism,
Speaker 1: and how things like joy and looking for good things
Speaker 1: in your life even when they're not there and hard
Speaker 1: to find, keeps you mentally sharp. It keeps you curious,
Speaker 1: it keeps you excited. We are often really hard at
Speaker 1: work designing our dream life that it means that we
Speaker 1: sacrifice daily enjoyment. We get really focused on being productive
Speaker 1: and working hard, and that negates a lot of the
Speaker 1: significant beauty that we'll find in small, silent moments. So
Speaker 1: I want you to create joy for yourself and every day,
Speaker 1: I want you to find three things that make you think,
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's really amazing that I get to
Speaker 1: be alive. Is just so beautiful and special and human
Speaker 1: and whatever. It is. The example i'd love to give
Speaker 1: is this time that really sticks in my memory when
Speaker 1: I was coming home from back when I worked my
Speaker 1: nine to five when I was a consultant, and it
Speaker 1: was really late at night. I was so exhausted. I'd
Speaker 1: been working so hard those few months. And there was
Speaker 1: this little girl on the train and she had this
Speaker 1: big brown leaf and she was just twirling it and
Speaker 1: patting it and petting it, and I was like, that
Speaker 1: is the most joyous, beautiful thing is looking as like
Speaker 1: observing someone else's acknowledgment of like beauty and observing someone
Speaker 1: else's curiosity. And when I started looking for that joy
Speaker 1: more often, my life did get better because in that
Speaker 1: joy is also opportunity, right there's opportunity for adventure, There's
Speaker 1: opportunity to just have a better outlook about the state
Speaker 1: of the world, as hard as that is right now,
Speaker 1: and especially when it seems hard to find. Search for
Speaker 1: those joyful moments, search for those three things during every
Speaker 1: day that make you be like, okay, like this is
Speaker 1: truly a blessing. I'm really happy to be here, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to make the most out of this, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to just actually enjoy my life because that's
Speaker 1: what I'm here to do, I think, or up to
Speaker 1: my fourth tip now, yeah, my fourth tip, and that
Speaker 1: is to take time to actually be an interesting person
Speaker 1: and not just about being interests, not just about being
Speaker 1: interesting to other people, but being interesting to yourself. I
Speaker 1: think we all know the experience of talking to someone
Speaker 1: and feeling like our life is one dimensional in comparison
Speaker 1: to theirs, and I think, especially in this generation, we
Speaker 1: spend a lot of time doing things that don't necessarily
Speaker 1: contribute to long term happiness or really anything that good.
Speaker 1: The one that I always think about is like scrolling
Speaker 1: on our phones and just like spending hours and hours
Speaker 1: on TikTok or Instagram or I don't know, do people
Speaker 1: use Facebook. I don't use Facebook, but Facebook, there you go,
Speaker 1: Twitter x whatever it is. Those kind of activities have
Speaker 1: begun to surpass a lot of the activities that previous
Speaker 1: generations were involved in, you know, reading and being outdoors.
Speaker 1: And not to say that there is like some form
Speaker 1: of elitism there, but I do think that when you
Speaker 1: are getting lost in your phone constantly and getting pulled
Speaker 1: in by that dopamine, it is not going to last,
Speaker 1: and it is not going to contribute to making you
Speaker 1: someone who was interested in the world or interesting. One
Speaker 1: way that I really put this into perspective for myself
Speaker 1: was thinking about if I could remember the last five
Speaker 1: Instagram posts or tiktoks that I watched, or the last
Speaker 1: five or at least tell myself five things that I
Speaker 1: saw on one of those apps in the past twenty
Speaker 1: four hours, and I could never remember a single one
Speaker 1: of them. I could not remember it. And I realized
Speaker 1: that every part of my brain that I wanted for myself,
Speaker 1: that I really wanted to keep active, that I wanted
Speaker 1: to be healthy, was getting absolutely consumed during those periods,
Speaker 1: and there were no memories being made. There was nothing
Speaker 1: really going on behind my eyes. Sometimes that's great, you know,
Speaker 1: it's really good for like relaxing and decompressing and turning
Speaker 1: on our lizard brain. But is that really a sustainable
Speaker 1: and healthy source of dopamine? And in this kind of
Speaker 1: short amount of time that we have on earth, is
Speaker 1: that making us someone who is interested and interesting. I
Speaker 1: think that that's not necessarily a question that I can
Speaker 1: answer for you. It's a question that you have to
Speaker 1: answer for yourself. Is the time that you spend online
Speaker 1: detracting from the brilliant memories and experiences you could be
Speaker 1: making offline. So I think the reason that this has
Speaker 1: a place in this whole episode around building a life
Speaker 1: that you love is that you kind of want to
Speaker 1: end things and be at the end of your life
Speaker 1: and have stories and have moments that you can look
Speaker 1: back on and say, like, I did those things, I
Speaker 1: did that memories and moments that contribute to kind of
Speaker 1: like the fabric of a lovely, beautiful, spectacular, interesting life.
Speaker 1: Part of that involves really pursuing hobbies. And I know
Speaker 1: that people kind of throw out hobbies as like a
Speaker 1: this is just kind of like all healing antidote of
Speaker 1: like just get a hobby, just do this, just do that.
Speaker 1: But no, I seriously do believe that some of the
Speaker 1: best people and happiest people in this world are people
Speaker 1: who have something beyond themselves that they really enjoy doing.
Speaker 1: They have something that they are working towards being better at.
Speaker 1: Not because it's going to really get them anything material,
Speaker 1: not because it's going to be impressive or anything like that,
Speaker 1: but just because they're really tapped into what it means
Speaker 1: to do the things that they love and do the
Speaker 1: things that can true to not just a healthy life,
Speaker 1: but a vibrant one. My final tip, and I know
Speaker 1: I said five, but my final tip is to engage
Speaker 1: in positive future planning. I hope for everyone listening to
Speaker 1: this that you have a very long and beautiful life.
Speaker 1: Part of enjoying that long and beautiful life is actually
Speaker 1: giving yourself things to look forward to and planning for
Speaker 1: a future, happy version of yourself and what they need
Speaker 1: to be happy. So there's this idea called dopamine scheduling,
Speaker 1: where we deliberately not deprive ourselves of dopamine, but deliberately
Speaker 1: put ourselves through hard periods where we're working hard, where
Speaker 1: we're pursuing our dreams, with the knowledge that at the
Speaker 1: end of that there will be some incredible outcome. It
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have that kind
Speaker 1: of rollercoaster of you know, head down, bum up, really
Speaker 1: hard over working, and then you can go on a holiday.
Speaker 1: It's more about making sure that you take time during
Speaker 1: your life to schedule activities and memories and moments that
Speaker 1: are going to make you happy. You don't have to
Speaker 1: wait until you retire to travel. You don't have to
Speaker 1: be rich to have rich experiences. You don't need someone
Speaker 1: to go with you to enjoy an experience. I think
Speaker 1: that's the big thing that comes down to creating a
Speaker 1: good life is that so often we are waiting for
Speaker 1: the conditions to be perfect before we take action. We
Speaker 1: are waiting for some kind of marker of success or
Speaker 1: some kind of event that's going to give us permission
Speaker 1: to do the things that we want to do. I
Speaker 1: have a really sad story for you about this, about
Speaker 1: a family friend of mine who's grandparents were married for
Speaker 1: quite a while, and they were around sixty five and
Speaker 1: sixty seven, and the grandfather kept saying, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: going to retire next year. I'm going to retire next year,
Speaker 1: and we're going to go on this big cruise. We're
Speaker 1: going to do all the travel that we never got
Speaker 1: to do while we were working. Next year will be
Speaker 1: the year. Next year will be the year. Let me
Speaker 1: just get a little bit more money so that we're
Speaker 1: more comfortable. And she actually ended up passing away before
Speaker 1: they ever got to do any of those things. So
Speaker 1: I think, don't wait, don't wait. That story has always
Speaker 1: stuck with me. And you know, I didn't know this
Speaker 1: person quite well. I can't say I'm sure she had
Speaker 1: a beautiful life, but I think just treating it as
Speaker 1: like a bit of a folk story is important and
Speaker 1: thinking about the fact that there are people out there
Speaker 1: who really do wait their entire lives to cram me
Speaker 1: in everything they wanted to do in the last ten
Speaker 1: fifteen years. And I don't think that that's the way
Speaker 1: to go. I don't think that that's the way to go.
Speaker 1: I think that there is so much beauty in giving
Speaker 1: yourself the experiences when you can, whilst you can, and
Speaker 1: as much as you can. It also just contributes to
Speaker 1: more optimism about the future. And if we think back
Speaker 1: to that Harvard study we were talking about, people who
Speaker 1: have positive past experiences like kind of have more expectation
Speaker 1: about future positive experiences. They have this sense of like,
Speaker 1: there are still good things coming. There are good things
Speaker 1: in the future, and I want to be there for them,
Speaker 1: and I want to stay optimistic for what that life
Speaker 1: will look like, even when maybe my youth is passed,
Speaker 1: even when my bones ache, like, there are still good
Speaker 1: things in my future because I am planning on them,
Speaker 1: I'm rooting on them. So I think that is all
Speaker 1: that we have for today. My five practical tips to
Speaker 1: build a life that you love, I'm going to quickly
Speaker 1: go back and remind you of what they are. Firstly,
Speaker 1: before we can build the life you love, you have
Speaker 1: to deconstruct your old life. Next is the fifteen minutes rule.
Speaker 1: Start prototyping and testing what a different version of your
Speaker 1: future could look like, and start implementing ways to bring
Speaker 1: that future you into your current and present self. Next,
Speaker 1: it's not all about addition. It's also about subtraction, what
Speaker 1: are the things in your life that are not bringing
Speaker 1: you happiness that you can realistically remove. Number four is
Speaker 1: to pursue daily joy and of course take time to
Speaker 1: be an interesting person and to be interested in yourself
Speaker 1: and finally engage in that positive future planning. I really
Speaker 1: hope that this episode brought you in your perspective, gave
Speaker 1: you something to think about. It's something that I think
Speaker 1: about a lot, in the sense of one of my
Speaker 1: biggest fears is living with regret, and I really worry
Speaker 1: that I'll get to a certain age and realize that
Speaker 1: the things that I always wanted to do are no
Speaker 1: longer available to me. That I won't have the money,
Speaker 1: I won't have the time, I won't have the freedom,
Speaker 1: I won't have the physical ability to do them. And
Speaker 1: it's a really scary kind of idea to me. It's
Speaker 1: a really scary worry that I might regret my life
Speaker 1: and that maybe one day I won't. I will look
Speaker 1: back and realize that I didn't take the chances that
Speaker 1: I needed to. However, this perspective, I think allows for
Speaker 1: that allows for the fact that there is not a
Speaker 1: single thing in your life that is going to make
Speaker 1: you the happiest person alive or is going to bring
Speaker 1: you complete, utter fulfillment and satisfaction. It's a mindset. It's
Speaker 1: a mindset of doing things every day that put you
Speaker 1: on a path for happiness and that proved to you
Speaker 1: day in and day out that you're investing in that
Speaker 1: future version of you and that you are dedicated to
Speaker 1: this current version of you and giving them the best
Speaker 1: kinds of experiences, giving them all the joy they could
Speaker 1: ask for, but also inserting that discipline to make sure
Speaker 1: that you keep doors open, you have opportunities, and that
Speaker 1: you get to really design a brilliant, brilliant future. So
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to this episode. If
Speaker 1: you enjoyed it, please feel free to share it with
Speaker 1: a friend who you think may need to hear this advice.
Speaker 1: Make sure you leave us a five star review on
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Speaker 1: says this, but I truly do read them more I
Speaker 1: read them, or probably at at my expense. Sometimes when
Speaker 1: I see like a one star review, it really gets
Speaker 1: in my head. But there's always so much love and
Speaker 1: positivity there that makes me feel better. So thank you.
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