1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,719 Speaker 1: I went to beat my meat, but then I found 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,160 Speaker 1: my girlfriend in the hub, beaten somebody else's meat. 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 2: They say, like money is like one of like the 4 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 2: dirtiest objects. Like dirty money is like real, It's like 5 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 2: it literally has to be. 6 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean how do you watch thing goes everywhere? Yeah, 7 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,279 Speaker 3: and no no one washes it. 8 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:20,400 Speaker 2: Think of all the stripper buttholes just mad cracks, mad cracks, 9 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:28,320 Speaker 2: mad cracks speaking of cracks and other genitalia. Yeah, yeah, 10 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 2: that saw them. Show me your janitals, your janitals? What 11 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 2: show me your Yeah? 12 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 3: What is that? 13 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: I went to beat my meat, but then I found 14 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,920 Speaker 1: my girlfriend in the hub, beaten somebody else's meat. 15 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 2: No, you don't want your girlfriend the cook meats with 16 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 2: someone else. 17 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:47,600 Speaker 3: That's a sausage for one. 18 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,239 Speaker 2: Sweethe have you seen the the I just I love 19 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 2: my smoked meats, you know, like the Mark Zuckerberg thing. 20 00:00:55,440 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 3: Yeah that I smoked meats. I love smoked meats. I 21 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,040 Speaker 3: am a human. I am a human. You consume I 22 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:11,120 Speaker 3: do consume food, not data. Uh. This actually did happen today, 23 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 3: and I'm still kind of shaking up from my initial reaction. Basically, 24 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 3: me and my girlfriend of almost three years are now 25 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 3: in a long distance relationship due to us both being 26 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,080 Speaker 3: in college, which that sucks. But yeah, like college at 27 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 3: least hopefully like after they get out, like almost a 28 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,480 Speaker 3: senior year, like hopefully they can get together. Wow. You know, man, 29 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,400 Speaker 3: it sounds it sounds like they have such a great 30 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,919 Speaker 3: relationship based off the title. I mean, just like really 31 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:38,120 Speaker 3: really solid dude. 32 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 2: Like you know, you go with your freshman year, You're 33 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 2: you're hanging out in your dorm. H you're meeting some cuties. 34 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 3: And uh slanging some sausages, laying in some sausages. Gay. Yeah, 35 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 3: some days you want honey barbecue, other days you want 36 00:01:56,320 --> 00:02:02,200 Speaker 3: you know, honey mustard, horse radish. Yeah, it's a unique choice. 37 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 3: We're both from the same hometown. So during the summer 38 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 3: we get to see each other freely because we both 39 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 3: come home to work. Cool. Now, long distance is hard as. 40 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 2: Yes, it is. I have done long distance, yeah, multiple times. 41 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 3: It is not fun. It sucks. So summer is a 42 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:26,360 Speaker 3: great time for us to f like Catholics Are Catholics? 43 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,639 Speaker 3: Do Catholics? I know? I know they. I know they 44 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 3: take it into booty hole because it's like not because 45 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 3: it's illegal. But if you just take it just straight 46 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,080 Speaker 3: in the dumper. Then that apparently is Jesus doesn't look 47 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 3: which is like hilarious, which is just it's just hilarious. 48 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 3: Like is that actually? Does that? 49 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:47,320 Speaker 1: Is that? 50 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,320 Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know if that's like actually 51 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 3: that's just what people say say. 52 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's another song where it's like fuck me and 53 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 2: the ass because I love Jesus the Good Lord would 54 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 2: want it that way, sweet sensation of anal penetration? 55 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 3: Is is that Bo Burnham? Or is that someone I know? 56 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,679 Speaker 2: It's like this group of ladies I see see you 57 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 2: know I have all the meme songs. 58 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 3: You do? You have the meme song? Yeah, you really do. 59 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,880 Speaker 3: Actually I never put that together. You have all the 60 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 3: meme songs on deck, so we gotta have Oh it 61 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 3: is six a fun time to make up for the 62 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 3: time that we spend a part of course. Fortunately she's 63 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 3: on the pill so we don't have to use any protection. Yeah, 64 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 3: and that's great, right, wrong? How to take the glasses 65 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 3: off of that? One last night we ended up hanging 66 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 3: out and we were about to get bize, but she 67 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 3: ended up getting a headache and as a result, classic 68 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 3: it happens, it happens, and as a result, she wasn't 69 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 3: in the mood. So I went home with some blue 70 00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:01,280 Speaker 3: blue balls and decided that I was tired too, and 71 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 3: just went to sleep it off. After going in and 72 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 3: out of sleep, I eventually decided I wanted to get 73 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 3: off and uh, all reliable would have to do on 74 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:17,000 Speaker 3: this one. Fellas it comes in hand. I'm but I'm 75 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,719 Speaker 3: getting handed tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And no I'm not 76 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 3: talking fixing plumbing or maybe I am fixing somebody's pipe tonight. Tho, Hey, 77 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,520 Speaker 3: I gotta screw loose. You could screw back into place. 78 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 3: So I did what anyone would do. I loaded up 79 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 3: good Old, I loaded up the hub and started browsing 80 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 3: through the videos until I found one of those casting 81 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:52,440 Speaker 3: tapes that looked good enough for my Yeah, desires, feel 82 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,320 Speaker 3: that desire. Ope, ooh, I got the lotion ready and 83 00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 3: just lathered up my meat skepter. That is actually what 84 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 3: they wrote. I did not even change it for that one. 85 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 3: But then I stopped, oh to do a double take. 86 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,840 Speaker 3: The girl in the video kind of looked like my girlfriend. 87 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 3: Oh no, actually exactly liked my girlfriend. Oh no. I 88 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 3: was just thinking, oh cool, this is just like me 89 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 3: banging one out to some some newdies, and then I 90 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:34,080 Speaker 3: got back to Jack and my sausage. But but once this, 91 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:39,680 Speaker 3: but once this, but once the cheeks started clapping, my 92 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 3: heart stops bapping. My heart stopped. And because she had 93 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 3: the exact same birthmark that my girlfriend did. Oh no, 94 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:57,760 Speaker 3: a spot, recognizable, recognizable. I spotted it right below her booty, 95 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:02,720 Speaker 3: same shape and everything. This was not a lookalike. This 96 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 3: was my yep, this is where we're at. I grabbed 97 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 3: my earbuds to plug in, and sure enough, it was 98 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 3: her voice speaking to the camera, explaining how she was 99 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:19,039 Speaker 3: doing this because she needed some money for college and 100 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 3: she's in college. Well, I mean that's when you need money. 101 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 3: It's like it all lies. Oh, like it's happening right now, yes, yes, right. 102 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 3: So I checked below the video title and it linked 103 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 3: to the actors, and it linked to the actress, actress's name, 104 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 3: and I saw her screen name. I was hesitant, but 105 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 3: I clicked on it. Oh now I clicked out. Turns 106 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,159 Speaker 3: out this wasn't a one time, quick cash deal because 107 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 3: on my screen I was looking at page after page 108 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 3: after page of all of these videos of my girlfriend 109 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 3: being railed by giant monster ding dongs. Oh no, I 110 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 3: feel bad for Opie. Yeah, that's rough. You don't want 111 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 3: to know what My girlfriend was not as innocent as 112 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 3: I thought she was a starlet. I was so effing 113 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 3: torn in that moment. So many feelings just started running 114 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 3: through my brain. It now made sense why she suddenly 115 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,239 Speaker 3: decided to go on the pill last year without really 116 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 3: having a reason. She was always complaining about money, so 117 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 3: this makes sense that she would do it for this 118 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 3: reason too. Oh my god. I then started freaking out 119 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 3: about catching something. None of these videos had the guys 120 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 3: using protection, and several times there was a cream pie. 121 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 3: Oh no, fresh out the up ding. Your pie is ready, honey, 122 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 3: yeah it is. We were both each other's first so once. 123 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 3: So once she was on the pill, we did's using 124 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 3: protection altogether because we knew neither of us had anything. 125 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,920 Speaker 3: But now I was terrified that I had been duped. Dude, 126 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,000 Speaker 3: I mean I would be. 127 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 2: It's like because it's like one thing that that person 128 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 2: like like that persons sleeping with another person, but the 129 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 2: person that she's sleeping with is also sleeping with another person, 130 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 2: and so you have like a uh like it's like 131 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 2: it's like squared, you know, it's not a compound in compounds, dude, that's. 132 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 3: That's compound interest. I do not want to my now, 133 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 3: not to mention. We had been plowing like crazy over 134 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 3: the last few months, so my worries were heightened because 135 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,199 Speaker 3: this was very, very recent. Yeah. I realized that it 136 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:44,160 Speaker 3: was late enough that I couldn't do anything, so I 137 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 3: just went to bed. I woke up the next morning 138 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 3: in cold sweats. I was angry, pissed, and an emotional wreck. 139 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 3: I sent a text to my girlfriend, calling her a 140 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 3: salute and a liar and everything in the book I 141 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 3: could think of, oh ye flying off the handle over here. 142 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:07,440 Speaker 3: I called up my doctor's office and scheduled to get tested. Fortunately, 143 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,800 Speaker 3: they could take me in right then, so I drove over. 144 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 3: After the tests were finished, I got a text from 145 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:16,679 Speaker 3: my girlfriend, what the f are you even talking about? 146 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,679 Speaker 3: I was even angrier than before This dumb little bish 147 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 3: was gonna ask dumb about it? No. I was furious, 148 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,559 Speaker 3: but I had evidence she was not going to get 149 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:31,720 Speaker 3: out of this without some explaining. So I fired up 150 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 3: the good old Hub once again to find the videos, 151 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 3: and then I couldn't find the casting one that found 152 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 3: last night. Did she delete all of them, did she 153 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,640 Speaker 3: no worries. I remembered her stage name from all the 154 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:53,160 Speaker 3: videos I had seen, So I went and I went 155 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,720 Speaker 3: and typed it into the search bar, but again was 156 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 3: surprised by what I found, not because I was looking 157 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 3: at her being railed by other dudes again, but because 158 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 3: the videos were not there. They didn't exist. What now? 159 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 3: I was just fing confused? Yeah, us too, buddy. Wait, 160 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,200 Speaker 3: so like, maybe check the search history or something. I 161 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 3: don't Yeah, Like, are we exhausting all that? If? If, 162 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,560 Speaker 3: if you found it last night, how could it all 163 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,200 Speaker 3: just magically disappear? Like this doesn't make any sense. I 164 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 3: tried looking at other websites but came up with the 165 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 3: same results. Nothing I knew. I saw them last night, though, 166 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,480 Speaker 3: so they were there, right, And that's when the realization hit. 167 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,760 Speaker 3: Remember how I said I was drifting in and out 168 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,480 Speaker 3: of sleep before getting up to jerk my sausage. It 169 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 3: was all a dream, A very bad dream man that 170 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,800 Speaker 3: dreams about master being and and acted whacking it off 171 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 3: of all of the stuff. 172 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,679 Speaker 2: See that that shows that maybe you gotta you gotta 173 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 2: cut the cut the whacken, because if you're having dreams 174 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 2: about whacken, Yeah, you. 175 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 3: Might need to might need to switch it out up. 176 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 3: In my curb it a little bit. My brain decided 177 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 3: that a great dream to have would be my girlfriend 178 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 3: being a star, if you catch my drift, and forcing 179 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 3: me to watch her bang other dudes. So here I 180 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 3: am explaining this to my girlfriend like an idiot, about 181 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 3: how I let a dream about her, about I let 182 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 3: a dream about her doing videos without my knowledge, apologizing 183 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 3: for all the names I call I called her, and 184 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 3: sitting in awe at about how badly this has turned out. Fortunately, 185 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 3: she seems to be mostly understanding of this, So so 186 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 3: I think we're in the good for now. 187 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,079 Speaker 2: Wow, luckily she's understanding. But uh, also, like what if 188 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,199 Speaker 2: you just deleted everything? 189 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 3: I mean, that's got to be impossible. Yeah, Also, how 190 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 3: would she know? I thought that was the first thing 191 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 3: I thought of too when I was reading it. I 192 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 3: was like, wait, she just like deleted everything. But then 193 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 3: I was like, wait a second, this was like hours 194 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,280 Speaker 3: He was like, probably at like you know, early am, 195 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 3: and this was the next morning, and then she she 196 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,760 Speaker 3: would have no idea, yeah, referring to and then even 197 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 3: if she did see it, and and try like doubt 198 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 3: a long time to delete everything, and also like I 199 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 3: don't I don't even know how it works, like can't 200 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 3: like does the network own it? Like can you even 201 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:19,439 Speaker 3: take it down? You know? So like dreams, you gotta 202 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 3: stop with that one yeah, yeah, you gotta chill out 203 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,679 Speaker 3: for a sec. One one sentence of advice that is 204 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 3: going to change your life. Wake your ass up. See 205 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: you next time.