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Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapot. Hi, you guys, I am so

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Speaker 1: excited to get into another week. I have Jen swallowed

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Speaker 1: joining me today. Hi, And I mean, we are going

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Speaker 1: to do your breakup? Should we call it bible? The Bible?

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Speaker 1: It's the Bible. It's all the things you need to

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Speaker 1: know to either get through a breakup, move on, find

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Speaker 1: your voice whatever it is, divorced, get divorced, find somebody new. Um,

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Speaker 1: I mean I can only start. I didn't have a

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Speaker 1: ton of breakups. I mean I had high school breakups

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Speaker 1: where it was like you did drive buy their house,

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Speaker 1: drive by their houses and just to see if they

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Speaker 1: were wrong. Is that stalking? I'm telling you in the nineties,

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Speaker 1: that was a thing. We've all done it, um. But

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Speaker 1: then no other than that, Like as an adult, I

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Speaker 1: think I only had one serious boyfriend and he ended

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Speaker 1: up being my first husband. And the way I kind

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Speaker 1: of healed from it was just meeting somebody else. I think,

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Speaker 1: you know, I knew it was time for us to

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Speaker 1: be done. Like we broke up. I was sad because

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Speaker 1: I missed him as a best friend. Wasn't mutual, it

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Speaker 1: was it was mutual, So there wasn't that he didn't

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Speaker 1: do anything to me. I didn't do anything to him.

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Speaker 1: We just met too young, and we weren't in a

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Speaker 1: place where we were willing to work to grow together,

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Speaker 1: and so there was no anger. So it was like, yes,

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Speaker 1: the first Christmas was really sad because it was the

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Speaker 1: first Christmas I had spent without him. Um. And then

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Speaker 1: you know, one day later, I met my husband out

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Speaker 1: at a nightclub and headset with him the first time.

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Speaker 1: You know, I didn't know that I'm the best. I

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Speaker 1: did some research and we're bringing professionals in. That's fantastic.

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Speaker 1: That's one way to get over it. Just move on.

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Speaker 1: I mean the first couple of months Edwin and I

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Speaker 1: were very messy because both of us were kind of

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Speaker 1: not in a place where you you know, you think

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Speaker 1: you're ready to be in a committed relationships, so we weren't.

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Speaker 1: And then it just with time he realized like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I kind of like this person. I should probably make

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Speaker 1: an effort and it's not just a one night stand,

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Speaker 1: because now it's been six months, and shoot, I love

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Speaker 1: this freaking guy. You know, And when did you have

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Speaker 1: the exclusivity conversation? I think the first time, well, it

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Speaker 1: was two big combos. So he used to have a ponytail.

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Speaker 1: He hit at night one that it was disguised and

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Speaker 1: a hat like it was a hat like he had

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Speaker 1: a bean me on and I didn't realize. And then

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Speaker 1: the next morning I woke up at like six to

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Speaker 1: my alarm and I was like, oh no, this is

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Speaker 1: a hard note for me. I'm like, you gotta get

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Speaker 1: out of here. And he's like, I'm like, you have

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Speaker 1: a ponytail. This is a real situation. He was like,

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Speaker 1: you didn't seem to mind last night. I was like,

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Speaker 1: no time for kind of sexual INU window jokes either,

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Speaker 1: like let's sip through it um. But we we had

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Speaker 1: a lot of fun together, and then what ended up

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Speaker 1: happening there was a wedding that we had gotten more

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Speaker 1: serious where we were seeing each other a couple of

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Speaker 1: times a week and I had a wedding hand needed

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Speaker 1: to take him to. And I was like, you need

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Speaker 1: to cut your ponytail and I need to know what

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Speaker 1: to call you. But really what ended up happening is

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Speaker 1: it led us to much more serious conversations about how

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Speaker 1: we both need to make the decision if we're ready

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Speaker 1: to commit, and then also if I'm going to be

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Speaker 1: meeting his daughter. And then honestly, once I met his daughter,

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Speaker 1: everything changed. He no longer was the guy I met

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Speaker 1: at the club. He was a dad, and Isabella changed

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Speaker 1: my life. I fell in love with her and everything

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Speaker 1: became more serious then because you know, I was able

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Speaker 1: to see the full picture and I was able to

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Speaker 1: see our life together, and I knew all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: I did want children, and that I wanted to be

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Speaker 1: a part of Edwin's life and Isabella's life, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to be somebody that was committing or wasn't

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Speaker 1: having those conversations that's beautiful. So I mean that was

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Speaker 1: really how it was for us. It was once I

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Speaker 1: got close with once I met his daughter, then everything

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Speaker 1: started shifting. We you know, we had the conversation prior,

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Speaker 1: because before even meeting his daughter, we wanted to have

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Speaker 1: that conversation as right. So it was a wedding, his

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Speaker 1: daughter everything. And you know that's why when people say like, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's it's got to be right timing or this has

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Speaker 1: to happen, I just I don't necessarily believe that. I

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Speaker 1: think if it's going to happen, it's going to happen,

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Speaker 1: and if you both really wanted to make it work,

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Speaker 1: you can you can't, but you both have to be

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Speaker 1: in the space correct And I don't But I don't

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Speaker 1: think there's any amount of games or anything like that

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Speaker 1: that you're gonna do that's going to make some guy

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Speaker 1: more into you than he is get over another situation

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Speaker 1: and or commit. Yeah, it's impossible. And when people like, oh,

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Speaker 1: maybe if I wait longer to text back, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: absolutely not there. Either I cue enough that they don't

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Speaker 1: care when you text back, or they don't exactly. We

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Speaker 1: have Samantha Burns coming on from love successfully dot Com

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Speaker 1: and she is going to help us just truly with

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Speaker 1: breakup tips. Samantha yea, Hi, it's Teddy and Gin here. Hi. Hi,

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Speaker 1: how's it going. We're good, We're good. We're excited to

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Speaker 1: have you on. Thanks so much for inviting me. So

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Speaker 1: we're just getting right to business. We we really just

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Speaker 1: need to know if you're in the throes of like

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Speaker 1: a terrible breakup, what are five things someone can do

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Speaker 1: to move on and heal? And like we can't get

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Speaker 1: the like you need to take a bath because like

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Speaker 1: someone told us that and we're all wrapped up about it.

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Speaker 1: We need, We need real things you can do. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so let's jump in the first thing you need to

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Speaker 1: do is understand that the pain you're in is actually

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Speaker 1: a physiological withdrawal from love. So what I mean by

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Speaker 1: that is we know through neuroscience studies, so when you

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Speaker 1: fall in love, you become physically addicted to your partner,

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Speaker 1: and it obtivates the same brain regions that you see

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Speaker 1: in drugs, alcohol, gambling, different types of addiction. So when

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Speaker 1: we go through a breakup and we can't communicate with

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Speaker 1: our X and we can't get their physical affection and

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Speaker 1: we don't spend time with them anymore, our body goes

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Speaker 1: through withdrawals and our minds a grubbing itself up, looking

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Speaker 1: for that next fix, that next hie. And that's why

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Speaker 1: we stop our X on social media, we drive by

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Speaker 1: their apartments, we can't get them off of our mind.

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Speaker 1: So if you can reframe your breakup pain instead of

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Speaker 1: it being the one that got away, turn it into

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Speaker 1: this is just a physical process of how my body

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Speaker 1: responds to falling out of love. That's cool. I actually

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Speaker 1: a loss of words right now. Okay, So that's one way.

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Speaker 1: What's what's our next is so of course that healthy

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Speaker 1: boundaries because your brain and body needs time and space

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Speaker 1: to fall out of love. So you have to go

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Speaker 1: around and set healthy boundaries like removing them from social media,

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Speaker 1: taking down old photos, taking their number out of your

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Speaker 1: speed dial, basically removing any triggers. So people places things

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Speaker 1: in your life that reminds you of your ex, and

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Speaker 1: I know that back to you really hard if you

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Speaker 1: might work together or you share kids together. But as

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Speaker 1: much as possible, minimize, minimize different triggers in your environment.

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Speaker 1: And how do you do that if you see your

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Speaker 1: ex with maybe a new partner. So we have to

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Speaker 1: also face reality that our partner is our X I

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Speaker 1: should say, is going to be dating new people and

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Speaker 1: that can be really hard. Um, which I think also

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Speaker 1: ties into another tips is that like your your partner's

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Speaker 1: inability to see your worth doesn't mean that you don't

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Speaker 1: have any, so don't. Um. You should never have to

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Speaker 1: convince or beg someone to see you with you or

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Speaker 1: love you. So when you see them with a new partner,

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Speaker 1: kind of said, you know what they weren't They weren't

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Speaker 1: my person. And if you do the work and you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm a breakup coach. I help people get from that

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Speaker 1: place of I just lost the love of my life

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Speaker 1: to thank God, I just dodged a bullet. So when

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Speaker 1: you do the work, you're gonna be like, oh, good riddance,

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Speaker 1: like that person can have them. Okay, I love that.

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Speaker 1: Samantha makes sense. Alright us too. Now we're moving on

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Speaker 1: to number three. Okodness, let's see put me on the spot.

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Speaker 1: I think, um, you can do it. Avoid what I

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Speaker 1: call the frank and boyfriend effect. So the frank and

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Speaker 1: boyfriend is when you start digging again. So many people

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Speaker 1: make the mistake of trying to find a new partner

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Speaker 1: who has all of the qualities that you adored and

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Speaker 1: cherished about your ex mixed with all of the things

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Speaker 1: that they were lacking. And you're trying to create this

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Speaker 1: mythical Frank and boyfriend of human being. And that just

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Speaker 1: keeps these stuff looking backwards instead of really reopening your heart,

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Speaker 1: um to someone knew who has different qualities and attributes

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Speaker 1: and interests. Does that go the same as like, uh,

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Speaker 1: I have a type, this is my type. I'm only

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Speaker 1: looking for this type. Is that the same? And how

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Speaker 1: do you get out of that pattern? So that's a

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Speaker 1: million dollar question, I actually passed that and breaking up

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Speaker 1: and advancing back that has more to do So, yes,

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Speaker 1: we are attracted to certain physical types and features, but

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Speaker 1: that has more to do with your attachment style. So

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Speaker 1: when we talk about attachment style, what that is is

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Speaker 1: your level of comfort with intimacy and closeness in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: And what we see over and over again is typically

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Speaker 1: if you're someone who really desperately wants of an affection,

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Speaker 1: you also tend to be someone who maybe is afraid

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Speaker 1: of being rejected, who's afraid that your partner is going

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Speaker 1: to leave you. You might be afraid that they won't

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Speaker 1: like the version of you once they get to know

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Speaker 1: the real you. And we tend to attract people who

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Speaker 1: they're issue is they are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy

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Speaker 1: and they tend to sabotage relationships by they're basically like

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Speaker 1: the bad boy or the game players. So they have

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Speaker 1: what's called an avoidant attachment style, and they don't like

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Speaker 1: their freedom being encroached upon. So they basically, if you

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Speaker 1: think of seximis city um Carry and Big were that

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Speaker 1: perfect example of he was anxious, he was avoidant, and

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Speaker 1: they went around and around it in these cycles. So

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Speaker 1: when we talk about the type, it's really ultimately like,

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Speaker 1: are we at passing people who are going to hurt

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Speaker 1: us leave us, who aren't truly emotionally available? And we

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Speaker 1: tend to repeat those comments until we feel some of

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Speaker 1: our more longstanding childhood wounds or wounds from past relationships. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so nine times out of ten it's something in your

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Speaker 1: past that you just haven't worked through that's just drawing

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Speaker 1: you to this person over and over and over again. Yes,

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Speaker 1: And that person can come in different passages, right, They

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Speaker 1: can look like different people, they can have different jobs

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Speaker 1: that ultimately, like that core wound keeps getting tapped into

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Speaker 1: over and over again. Okay, So what about in the

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Speaker 1: form of a cheater and it's not someone you're dating,

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Speaker 1: it's somebody you're married to, Um, how do you come

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Speaker 1: to or you have kids even together, how do you

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Speaker 1: come to terms with leaving that person? Or will they

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Speaker 1: actually change? Or what is it in us that makes

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Speaker 1: us want to stay? Yeah? So that's such an end

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Speaker 1: up question, um that I always tell people when I

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Speaker 1: work through with couples through infidelity, I say, there's no

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Speaker 1: shame in leaving, and there's no shame in staying. And

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Speaker 1: it's such an individualized descision, UM, like you that taking

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Speaker 1: into account kids and history and finances, there's so much.

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Speaker 1: But ultimately, UM, we need to be in a relationship

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Speaker 1: that honor are worth. And usually when we have low

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Speaker 1: self esteem or we don't think we're worthy of love

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Speaker 1: and commitment UM, or you know, we have these past

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Speaker 1: wounds that keep getting activated, we kind of start settling

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Speaker 1: and we start putting up with less than we deserve.

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Speaker 1: And then when I see people sticking it out too

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Speaker 1: long in relationships, it's because they've invested time and energy

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Speaker 1: and love and commitment and finances and they almost feel

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Speaker 1: like it's a failure if they were to leave. And

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Speaker 1: what I always emphasize is that there's no failures in

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Speaker 1: relationships if you and and also for the longevity of

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Speaker 1: which you're with someone, you don't get like an award

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Speaker 1: if you're in an a miserable marriage for twenty years, UM,

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Speaker 1: versus if you call it off with someone after a year,

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Speaker 1: after a great relationship, that you ultimately realize they're not

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Speaker 1: your person. Because we can love someone m that it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they our best match. So in the

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Speaker 1: case of infidelity. I mean, of course, always go work

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Speaker 1: with a professional to sort through it. One thing I

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Speaker 1: see sometimes you know couples, I've worked with couples who

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Speaker 1: come out stronger on the other side of enough their infidelity.

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Speaker 1: But there has to be commitment to strengthening the relationship.

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Speaker 1: There has to be remorse, there has to be accountability, um,

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Speaker 1: and there has to be changed. So if your partner

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Speaker 1: to be straying is not willing to put in the work,

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Speaker 1: then you need to walk away um before you And

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Speaker 1: that's even more emotional energy and time. And you also

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Speaker 1: have to be able to look in the mirror and say,

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Speaker 1: how have I potentially contributed to relationships to satisfaction That

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to a part in their behavior right for

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Speaker 1: cheating or straying. That you have to be able to

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Speaker 1: look at yourself and say, where can I take responsibility

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Speaker 1: for this? And then also just taking it a little

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Speaker 1: bit to the side. A lot of what I've realized

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Speaker 1: in my life and I've seen throughout is I've had

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Speaker 1: either friends or maybe it's a brother or sister whom

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Speaker 1: I have where it is that's in a bad relationship,

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Speaker 1: you're watching it happen. They're kind of quiet about it.

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Speaker 1: Every once in a while you'll get a piece of

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Speaker 1: like this is happening. I want to get out of it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how What is your best way to

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Speaker 1: be a supportive friend and help that person without them

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Speaker 1: then closing off because sometimes I'm a little bit of

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Speaker 1: a note it. Also, I like we'll over talk about

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Speaker 1: like come on, you know, he's a total narcissist. He's

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Speaker 1: not coming home at night. It's obvious what he's doing,

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Speaker 1: you know, And that's not necessarily the most helpful way

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Speaker 1: to be a friend. So how do you think you

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Speaker 1: can help build your friend up? But also you're still

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Speaker 1: in your lane. I know that that is such a

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Speaker 1: delicate balance. Um So I think empathy is always is

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Speaker 1: always an important like communication skill and just human still

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Speaker 1: in general. So when your friend expressive concerns or you

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Speaker 1: can see there in pain, first making an empathetic non

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Speaker 1: just mental comments like I can see you're really hurt,

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Speaker 1: or hey, I've noticed you seem really stress lately, look

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Speaker 1: what's going on? Or you know, gosh, I would feel

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Speaker 1: really upset to in that situation. So first just to

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Speaker 1: get them to sausen by feeling empathy, and once they're

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Speaker 1: feeling like hurt or understood, then maybe UM, I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: necessarily give your opinion unless they're asked or you say, hey,

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Speaker 1: do you want my thoughts on this? Or how can

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Speaker 1: I support you? Um, And at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: you can, you know, plant little seeds like, hey, I

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Speaker 1: noticed that you seem really unhappy or dissatisfied in your

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Speaker 1: marriage lately. Are you okay? Or what's going on? Kind

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Speaker 1: of asking the open ended questions so like they can

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Speaker 1: take you where they want to go. But the worst

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Speaker 1: thing ever is like if you point out something to

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Speaker 1: them and they're not ready to hear it, they're just

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Speaker 1: gonna get offensive and full away from you even though

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Speaker 1: you're trying to point out what air partner is makes sense?

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Speaker 1: What about the friend that just never stops talking about

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Speaker 1: the breakup five years later, six years later, ten years later.

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Speaker 1: So so you get them a copy of my book,

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Speaker 1: you have them come into my coaching program, and they

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Speaker 1: need to realize like that they need some serious help,

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Speaker 1: because I've lot of people come to me who are

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Speaker 1: in like just twenty or miserable marriages and they're like

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Speaker 1: finally taking the process of getting divorced or they put

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Speaker 1: their ex on the pedestal and they have these rose

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Speaker 1: colored glasses and all of that is just so painful,

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Speaker 1: like being stuck and ruminating and obsessing. And that's where

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Speaker 1: I see people rated the moment most amount of times,

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Speaker 1: and actually too they talk to that point. There's absolute

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Speaker 1: stages of break up Greeks that we go through, similar

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Speaker 1: to when we grieve a death of someone. So you know,

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Speaker 1: if you've ever talked to a widow or something who's

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Speaker 1: still breathing a death for a long time. We we

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Speaker 1: get stuck in those same stages. So we go through

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Speaker 1: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, and anxiety. So bargaining can

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Speaker 1: make it work, making like promises that you'll go to

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Speaker 1: therapy or that you'll team anxiety. I added anxiety into

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Speaker 1: the stages of brief because I think that's where we

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Speaker 1: do ruminate and obsess over this breakup and we kind

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Speaker 1: of have difficulty letting go, and eventually they go through

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Speaker 1: depression and finally acceptance. And the problem is it doesn't

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Speaker 1: always go in a linear question, so we can bounce

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Speaker 1: around from the stages, which is one day maybe we

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Speaker 1: feel like we're finally getting over it, but then we

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Speaker 1: bump into our ex with their new partner, and it

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Speaker 1: kind of sends us back into those earlier stages of

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Speaker 1: anger or depressions. Um, so it's gonna be ruling process

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Speaker 1: to get over a breakup, and there's no set amount

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Speaker 1: of time, and there's no set amount of time. I

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Speaker 1: always say, like, you know, everyone grieves in a different way.

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Speaker 1: But for me, it's like if you're not seeing them

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Speaker 1: progressed through the stages and have more signs of acceptance.

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Speaker 1: So to me, acceptance means you know, you might not

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Speaker 1: be happy about the outcome of the relationship ended, that

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Speaker 1: you're at a more contented place, you're at peace with

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Speaker 1: what's happened, and you also have optimism about your own

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Speaker 1: future dating life and reopening your heart. So they're just

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Speaker 1: stuff more not anger and grief. Like that's what I

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Speaker 1: would say. You know, it's more than a few weeks,

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Speaker 1: is probably more than a few months even but by

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Speaker 1: that year point, if they are making no effort to

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Speaker 1: take care of themselves to let go their harboring anger, um,

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Speaker 1: they're really depressed and having difficulty even like getting out

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Speaker 1: of better going to work, where they're abusing drugs and alcohol.

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Speaker 1: That's the time to say, hey, it sounds like maybe

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Speaker 1: you could use some professional support. Yeah, that's true. And

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Speaker 1: then my last question, I know that I'm keeping you

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Speaker 1: longer than I should, but I have so many questions.

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Speaker 1: What about when it comes to loneliness or the fear

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Speaker 1: of loneliness. I feel like so many people don't end

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Speaker 1: up breaking up or ending a bad relationship because they

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Speaker 1: just don't want to be alone and they don't really

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Speaker 1: have a network of friends or whatever because they've kept

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Speaker 1: so far just inside of this dysfunctional relationship that they

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Speaker 1: don't really have anyone left. Right. So there's this really

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Speaker 1: interesting uh psychological research that found that when we don't

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Speaker 1: know the outcome of like making a big change or

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Speaker 1: taking a risk, if we can't guarantee ourselves that the

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Speaker 1: outcome is going to be better, so we're in a grumpy,

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Speaker 1: horrible relationship and we don't know for a fact that

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Speaker 1: we're going to meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after,

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Speaker 1: we actually don't make change and it's really hard. So

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Speaker 1: that's why you see so many people stuck in these lousy,

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Speaker 1: dead end relationships. Um and so loneliness it's kind of

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Speaker 1: for them, it's going to be about learning to strengthen

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Speaker 1: their sense of self and rediscover their identity. And so

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Speaker 1: in a big breakup, we often feel really lost or

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Speaker 1: even in a toxic relationship, we feel like we've lost ourselves.

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Speaker 1: And so the breakup process from beginning to date again

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Speaker 1: is all about rediscovering yourself, working towards goals and hobbies

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Speaker 1: and interests like creating your own fulfilling life. That means

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Speaker 1: making new friends, investing. I'm into yourself. Um, I think

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Speaker 1: over time and an unhealthy relationship are like self esteem

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Speaker 1: gets tripped away, and so we don't think we're worthy

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Speaker 1: or deserving something better, or we don't even know how

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Speaker 1: bad it's gotten. So when you do have the courage

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Speaker 1: to end a relationship where you're not happy, then this

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Speaker 1: whole time, this is kind of transitional time into getting

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Speaker 1: ready to date again, is all about investing in yourself.

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Speaker 1: So we know the common theme. You have to take

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Speaker 1: care of yourself in order to move on from any

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Speaker 1: relationship or feel your best, you have to invest in yourself.

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Speaker 1: Self care. Self care so totally, and self care like

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Speaker 1: that is an act of love and respect and value

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Speaker 1: to yourself every day and so many people you know,

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Speaker 1: especially in my industry with dating and break up, the

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Speaker 1: term like self love gets tossed around, and I just

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Speaker 1: like to debunce the myth like we don't love ourselves

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Speaker 1: a hundred percent of a time every single day. It's

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Speaker 1: the same way that you create how happiness? Will you

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Speaker 1: create self love by doing these little acts of self

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Speaker 1: care whether it is, um, you know, making new friends

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Speaker 1: or going to the gym or eating healthy like whatever

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Speaker 1: it is, that's respecting yourself, your body, your mind, meditating. Um,

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Speaker 1: it's a it's a daily practice. So I just like

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Speaker 1: to I think people think like, oh, I love myself today,

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Speaker 1: so therefore I will love myself tomorrow. And that's a myth.

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Speaker 1: It's like a daily intentional act. Well, I love it.

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Speaker 1: I think I love myself today. You know what, I'm

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Speaker 1: not writing it down right here? Uh no. Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much, so many great tips for our listeners and

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Speaker 1: you know, for even us, So we appreciate it. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: thanks for having me. Bye good bye. So now we're back.

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Speaker 1: And I originally was turned on to Catherine because a

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Speaker 1: friend of mine has read your book and she is

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Speaker 1: following all of the steps and so like the journal

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Speaker 1: with what do I love to do what comes naturally

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Speaker 1: to me. What do I feel passionate about? She was

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Speaker 1: telling me about these things, and I was like, Okay,

399
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Speaker 1: now I need to really dig into these breakups. We

400
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Speaker 1: have so many questions. I figured, maybe first you could

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Speaker 1: tell us a little bit about yourself and what led

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Speaker 1: you to start on this. Well, who else would make

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Speaker 1: it their life's mission to have healthy, happy love than

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Speaker 1: someone who had a decades of unhealthy unhappy I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's really where I started. I think, Um, you know,

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Speaker 1: we have some most of us have some relational traumas

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Speaker 1: in our youth, and that causes us difficulty as we

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Speaker 1: get older. In my situation, I had my mother was

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Speaker 1: pregnant at eighteen, and this is in the fifties, so

410
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,800
Speaker 1: you definitely got married if you were pregnant, and they

411
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Speaker 1: had kind of a disaster us marriage, a disastrous divorce.

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Speaker 1: You know, a lot of people, a lot of anger

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Speaker 1: and hostility that kind of festered around for a lot

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Speaker 1: of years. And uh, and so consequently I was kind

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Speaker 1: of a poster child for unconscious uncoupling, for what happened

416
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Speaker 1: in a nasty divorce to the kids that I really struggled.

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Speaker 1: I had like addiction issues. I had self esteem issues.

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Speaker 1: It was incredibly codependent. I had um insecure attachment. I

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Speaker 1: was totally love avoidant. I wanted love. It was like

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Speaker 1: the central drama of my life. But anybody who got

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Speaker 1: too close, I pushed them away as quickly as I could,

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Speaker 1: like I was just you know, kind of a messed

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Speaker 1: up girl. And and that fortunately led me into therapy

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Speaker 1: and into transformational work and into meditation and spiritual work.

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Speaker 1: And I basically made it my full time job to

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Speaker 1: work on myself for years. It was also a singer

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Speaker 1: songwriter and and mostly a waitress for years while I

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Speaker 1: did all this and um and then one foot in

429
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:03,239
Speaker 1: front of the other. I'm just somebody who kind of

430
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 1: when I work it out, I like to share it

431
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: with people, and somehow became a therapist in the process.

432
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 1: It was a very organic process. And when I was

433
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,399
Speaker 1: in my early forties, after all of these kind of

434
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:23,560
Speaker 1: disastrous love relationships, where my main pattern was unavailable people

435
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,119
Speaker 1: because when I lost connection with my dad was because

436
00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 1: he went to his wife. So I always had like

437
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,359
Speaker 1: this married men thing because I was going to get

438
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 1: the guy back, right, So I had, you know, any

439
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 1: kind of impossible love I was in but when I

440
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 1: was in my forties, I really was learning about transformation

441
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,320
Speaker 1: and metaphysical principles. And I created a miracle just by

442
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:48,200
Speaker 1: standing for a future that wasn't predictable and organ organizing

443
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 1: like who would I need to be to fulfill in

444
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,960
Speaker 1: that future? And I ended up connecting with this beautiful

445
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 1: man who I dated six years earlier, who I thought

446
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,119
Speaker 1: of for years is the one that got away in

447
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:03,080
Speaker 1: this very magical way. And we got married and had baby,

448
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,040
Speaker 1: my first baby, my only baby, at the age of

449
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 1: forty three. And then I thought, well, I know a

450
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,879
Speaker 1: lot of other people are struggling and suffering, So what

451
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,119
Speaker 1: did I just do to create this? And that's what

452
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,479
Speaker 1: became then calling in the one seven Weeks to attract

453
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,040
Speaker 1: the love of your life. And then it went and

454
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 1: I wrote a book about it and became a national bestseller,

455
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,800
Speaker 1: and I started teaching, and then I had thousands of

456
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,399
Speaker 1: students from all over the world, and I had this,

457
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,040
Speaker 1: you know, an online course, and I have a coach

458
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:34,359
Speaker 1: training and I'm known throughout the world for helping people

459
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,880
Speaker 1: to manifest a miracle, particularly those who had a really

460
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 1: tough time and love. And then ten years in my

461
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:47,760
Speaker 1: husband and I got divorced. I had a little pr problem,

462
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 1: think you're going there, so good, so so, but the

463
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 1: saving graces, we did it really well because we both

464
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 1: had come from families where the parents were divorced, and

465
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,639
Speaker 1: we both had had that parental alienation thing. I lost

466
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: connection with my father, he lost connection with his mother.

467
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 1: So we made a decision to just figure out what

468
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: it looks like to be a happy post divorced family

469
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 1: so that our daughter could have a happy childhood. And

470
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,960
Speaker 1: that's what we did, and that then became conscious uncoupling,

471
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,959
Speaker 1: which then Gwyneth Paltrow heard of and kicked into the lexicon.

472
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,880
Speaker 1: So in a perfect world, I think you do conscious

473
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 1: uncoupling before calling in the one, so that you're free

474
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 1: and clear and you're not bringing baggage into a relationship.

475
00:26:36,359 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 1: But it's really good, I am. But then I when

476
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,240
Speaker 1: I was ready, after you know a few years after that,

477
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,399
Speaker 1: then I decided to recouple, and I recently called in

478
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:49,640
Speaker 1: the next one. So I'm very happily partner. Where are you, Frisen?

479
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,400
Speaker 1: It's absolutely amazing to me, Like I just called him

480
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 1: in wait up, like I had, you know, six vodka

481
00:26:56,359 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 1: SODA's night Dad's called him, right, Yeah, that was my call,

482
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 1: my dating call. Um. Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. So anyway,

483
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 1: I and and of course I'm a psychotherapist now, so

484
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,639
Speaker 1: I mean the work is actually quite deep when you

485
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,919
Speaker 1: really stop to think, like how are we getting in

486
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,679
Speaker 1: our own way? It's quite deep and it's quite profound.

487
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: And the reason I love to look at it like

488
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 1: that is because I think we feel so powerless if

489
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 1: we've had bit toxic patterns. Like you know, if you

490
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 1: want to go get a medical degree, you kind of

491
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,960
Speaker 1: know I need to get these scores, I need to

492
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: go to school for this many years, Like it's a

493
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,399
Speaker 1: pretty clear path. But if you want to say I

494
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,160
Speaker 1: want to create true love, and all you've ever had

495
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,120
Speaker 1: is kind of messed up love, and you come from

496
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 1: this really screwed up fat background, and there's even maybe

497
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 1: a normal kind of screwed up background, but you still

498
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 1: have problems. You feel kind of hopeless about it. So

499
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,200
Speaker 1: the key to accessing powers to really take profound personal

500
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:03,520
Speaker 1: responsibility for how we are the source of our patterns.

501
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: And it doesn't occur like that incurs like men are

502
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 1: like this, women are like this, dating sites are like this.

503
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: There's no good men in my city. There's no you know,

504
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,639
Speaker 1: it just it really likes a lot of reasons external

505
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,479
Speaker 1: to us. But if you really say, okay, you know,

506
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,879
Speaker 1: I'm the through line of all of the patterns, and

507
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,920
Speaker 1: so it's almost like you're taking accountability for anything that's

508
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 1: happening with the accounability to coach yourself. That's right. It's

509
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: internal accountability to live consistent according to the future you're

510
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:37,720
Speaker 1: standing for. So even if you've gotten into multiple bad relationships,

511
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,000
Speaker 1: instead of saying it's because he was a narcissist, he's

512
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,720
Speaker 1: a cheater or this and that, it's you taking in

513
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: what it is that you've put out there and why

514
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 1: you continue to attract these men. Yeah, And so I

515
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: like to say, because especially in a breakup, like people

516
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 1: are so filled with there's you know, and probably the

517
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: other person did behave badly, you know, if you're filled

518
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: with feeling of having been victimized. But I'd like to say,

519
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 1: even if it's the other person's fault, the gold is

520
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:08,640
Speaker 1: in your three percent, because you have to be able

521
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:12,800
Speaker 1: to trust yourself to never do this again. So that

522
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 1: kind of brings me to a question that you know,

523
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,360
Speaker 1: if you are in a pattern where you consistently going

524
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 1: after a married man or a married woman, or you're

525
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: okay being cheated on repeatedly. Are these things like, what

526
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 1: are what are ways that you can stop that pattern? Well,

527
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: a lot of us are doing our work. You know,

528
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 1: we're looking backwards, which is good. You know what happened

529
00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,360
Speaker 1: in my childhood, who did happen with, where did it happen?

530
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 1: And we're all kind of steeped in that world. But

531
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: I think the fastest track to change something that's been

532
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 1: a habitual pattern that's given you pain is to start

533
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: with the future. Right, So you actually say, look, I'm

534
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: going to set an intention. And this is what I

535
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 1: did when I was in my early forties. I was

536
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,720
Speaker 1: with a group of people were all like supporting each

537
00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:04,000
Speaker 1: other to set intentions. One person doubled their income, another

538
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: person bought a house for the first time. And I

539
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,000
Speaker 1: had just had like another crash and burn with some

540
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: man I thought was available who wasn't, And so I

541
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,440
Speaker 1: was So I was in so much pain that I

542
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,400
Speaker 1: called up a friend and I said, Okay, I know

543
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:23,000
Speaker 1: this is crazy, but I'm gonna I'm gonna just set

544
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 1: an intention to be engaged by my second birthday and

545
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 1: that was eight months away, and I had no prospects

546
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 1: where I have been living right one and I've been

547
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 1: trying to find the one for like two decades by then.

548
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,240
Speaker 1: But she said something that really changed my life because

549
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 1: she said, Catherine, I'm going to hold that intention with

550
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:45,120
Speaker 1: you if you give me permission to hold you accountable

551
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 1: to being the woman you would need to be in

552
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: order for that to happen, so all the changes you

553
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: need to actually and it shifted my focus immediately. Like

554
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,640
Speaker 1: I said, I wasn't running out to find love. I

555
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 1: really was going within. I was connecting with my intuition.

556
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: I was taking personal responsibility, but not like a psychological issue.

557
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 1: I think the key to all of transformation is getting

558
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 1: out of victimization and taking personal responsibility. And sometimes when

559
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 1: we do our work, we're looking backwards. We're kind of like, well,

560
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: my mother did this to me and my brother did that,

561
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: so we're kind of looking at it from a victimized perspective.

562
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 1: So what we have to do is to say, yes,

563
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: that happened, and what did I make it mean about me?

564
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:33,360
Speaker 1: And how have I been living out inside of that

565
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 1: that worldview in a way that keeps perpetuating it. How

566
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 1: am I showing up and relating to people in a

567
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,400
Speaker 1: way that's communicating that I'm not valuable, or that's communicating

568
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 1: that I'm invisible and I'm somehow there needs matter more

569
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 1: than mine, Like we have to actually see because when

570
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,600
Speaker 1: you can really see the specifics of how you're showing

571
00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: up in that way, that's keeping that story alive. That's

572
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: when you get to make a different choice and you

573
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 1: get to actually say no, I need to I need

574
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 1: to let that go. Like maybe that was something I

575
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 1: did when I was twelve, a decision I made, and

576
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,880
Speaker 1: then I've been trying to keep myself safe. Like I'm

577
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,360
Speaker 1: twelve and I have no skills, but I'm an adult

578
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: woman now I know how to keep myself safe. I

579
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: can learn some skills that I didn't have back then,

580
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 1: and we take responsibility for like growing ourselves in a

581
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,840
Speaker 1: way that would allow health and happiness and love to

582
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 1: finally happen for us. So I have a question though,

583
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: I mean a lot of our listeners wrote in and said,

584
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 1: you know, I've been married for you know, seven years.

585
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: My husband's cheated on me two times. You know how

586
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 1: many times do I forgive him or you know, my

587
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: husband and I are great, but then sometimes I feel

588
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 1: like maybe he is emotionally abusing me because of some

589
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: of the words he says, and then I feel like

590
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 1: I lash out, Like there's people in unhealthy marriages that

591
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 1: don't really know when it's time to say goodbye. Well,

592
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: a lot of people, by the way, who are in

593
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,800
Speaker 1: marriages and are committed to stay in marriages actually do

594
00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: the conscious uncoupling process that I created because there's there's

595
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:09,960
Speaker 1: some missing development that would allow the relationships to actually

596
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,600
Speaker 1: realize their potential for greater happiness. Can you explain that

597
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 1: to me in an easier for example. So, for example,

598
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,959
Speaker 1: just to even know your own filters, right, So, if

599
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 1: you have a if you have like a wounding in

600
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 1: your past where you had like a narcissistic mother, let's say,

601
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,920
Speaker 1: so you always have this feeling like I'm not good

602
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 1: enough and always have to prove myself. So you're and

603
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,400
Speaker 1: how you're showing up in the relationship is kind of

604
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: you're always looking for approval, You're always looking for validation,

605
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 1: or you're always doing something to try and earn the

606
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:47,200
Speaker 1: other person's love. And and any time they do something,

607
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 1: let's say they do something horrible. They cheat. The filter

608
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,719
Speaker 1: you have is see I'm not good enough. That becomes

609
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:57,719
Speaker 1: evidence for that filter. So you're not actually dealing with

610
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 1: it from an adult center. You're kind of this wounded

611
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 1: eight year old again who's who's kind of now stuck

612
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: with more evidence that somehow you're not good enough, and

613
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:11,400
Speaker 1: you know now you're compiling evidence. So I think what

614
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: the conscious uncoupling process does, we're calling in the one.

615
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 1: I mean, basically all of my work is to really

616
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 1: unpack how we are showing up in a way that

617
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,200
Speaker 1: almost pulls on people to kind of validate the old story,

618
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: and that when we're in that story, we're centered in

619
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:30,880
Speaker 1: that story emotionally because most of us tend to believe

620
00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:34,320
Speaker 1: everything we feel. So if you're kind of triggered into

621
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: that experience again, you're literally kind of showing up trying

622
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:43,000
Speaker 1: to repair from an eight year old center as opposed

623
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: to a more adult center, which is very grounded in

624
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: your value and may be very grounded in the value

625
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,000
Speaker 1: of your marriage, and so you might end up fighting

626
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,200
Speaker 1: for that marriage. But something is going to change in

627
00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:00,719
Speaker 1: the dynamic between you and your partner, and you're and

628
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 1: you can you can't change it from the eight year old,

629
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: you can change it from the adults setting new boundaries

630
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,680
Speaker 1: and yes, but see, I like to work on a

631
00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:14,080
Speaker 1: consciousness level first, because it's not behavioral what I'm talking about.

632
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 1: It ends up out picturing on a behavioral level. But

633
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:21,880
Speaker 1: we all know, like you know, sometimes the communication skills class,

634
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,279
Speaker 1: you take all that stuff, or you learn how to

635
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 1: speak with eye statements, and they still don't work, and

636
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,520
Speaker 1: you're still kind of left with the residue of, you know,

637
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:34,480
Speaker 1: being humiliated or mistreated in that relationship. You think that

638
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,120
Speaker 1: if somebody is in a situation where they're humiliating you

639
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 1: or they're any of those types of things, that they

640
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,600
Speaker 1: can change. Yeah, and the only way it's going to

641
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:45,040
Speaker 1: change is if you see your role in it. And

642
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 1: that's why I start with the person, not because I

643
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,400
Speaker 1: think the person is to quote unquote blame. Never can

644
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,520
Speaker 1: I give a weird example. This is just what came

645
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 1: into my mind. So I have a guy friend, let's say,

646
00:35:56,520 --> 00:36:00,680
Speaker 1: who we communicate differently. I need a lot of communication.

647
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:04,480
Speaker 1: He needs like minimal communication. But I'm really trying to say, like, hey,

648
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,680
Speaker 1: just hit me back if you're busy. So I know

649
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:09,799
Speaker 1: you're busy, and then I won't worry about it. So

650
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:12,240
Speaker 1: the other day I had sent a text and called

651
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 1: and he hit back and said, can't talk. I'm really

652
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 1: busy today. And my initial reaction was like yuck, like

653
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,799
Speaker 1: why is he writing that? And I was all kind

654
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:28,360
Speaker 1: of about it, and then I took a minute and realized, like,

655
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:31,080
Speaker 1: that's all about me. He's doing exactly what I sort

656
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:35,240
Speaker 1: of wanted him, and now it's landing on me weird

657
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,080
Speaker 1: because I feel like, oh, he's too busy for me,

658
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,000
Speaker 1: Like I just try to stood up again. So I

659
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:43,360
Speaker 1: took a beat and was like, oh, he's being cool.

660
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:49,319
Speaker 1: It's like we internalize everything. No matter what we do,

661
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 1: you can't win. Well, you can if you wake yourself up,

662
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 1: like we all have certain defaults. I've actually been unpacking

663
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,000
Speaker 1: for over a decade now what I call like the

664
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:03,440
Speaker 1: twenty one most salient core beliefs, and that becomes the filter.

665
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,680
Speaker 1: And here's the thing about core beliefs. If you have

666
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:12,080
Speaker 1: like an I'm alone, for example, inside of the energetic

667
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 1: of that, which is i e. The emotions of that,

668
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,319
Speaker 1: like loneliness, you feel kind of separate from people. You

669
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,640
Speaker 1: feel like you're on the outside looking in that nobody

670
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: really cares about you, that everyone's always going to leave you,

671
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: so you have anxiety. Like you know, beliefs are not

672
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:27,520
Speaker 1: in the mind, they're actually in the body, like an

673
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:33,000
Speaker 1: emotional default place. So when you're centered there, what you

674
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:35,879
Speaker 1: might do when somebody disappoints you is kind of put

675
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,319
Speaker 1: up a wall and do a preemptive strike of just

676
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 1: kind of energetically pushing them away. Totally. I've been having

677
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:44,399
Speaker 1: a conversation in my head for about two months now

678
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 1: that has not happened, like in this attempt to prepare

679
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,839
Speaker 1: myself for what could happen, and I finally was like,

680
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,800
Speaker 1: I'm done with that, Like it's so dumb, it's so dumb.

681
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,279
Speaker 1: I love that you're so self aware. This is so

682
00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:01,960
Speaker 1: cool because what you want to do well, but so

683
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: so you're like in the middle of the breed canal,

684
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,839
Speaker 1: but you know you have this filter and that you're

685
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:09,440
Speaker 1: interpreting a certain way that almost sets people up and

686
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 1: sets that situation up because if you energytic, I couldn't

687
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 1: win because I was already yeah, that's it, right. So

688
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 1: I finally said, like I'm not gonna like try and

689
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:25,799
Speaker 1: have this conversation in my head, all right, so let

690
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:27,319
Speaker 1: me give you a trick about it. Let me give

691
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 1: you a trick when you notice that, and maybe it's

692
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 1: an invisibility, Maybe it's an a loneness. Maybe it's a

693
00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:36,440
Speaker 1: feeling of not being good enough. Maybe it's not feeling

694
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,919
Speaker 1: wanted by anyone. So you're always kind of anticipating people

695
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: don't like you and they're going to reject you. You

696
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,839
Speaker 1: have to take a deep breath and ask yourself, how

697
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 1: old am I here? It's a young, huge part of you.

698
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,920
Speaker 1: Something happened. It was either like an acute crisis or

699
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:57,640
Speaker 1: is what we call a developmental crisis where you never

700
00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:01,799
Speaker 1: really got what you needed over period of time. But

701
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 1: you have to then extend love to that part of

702
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,360
Speaker 1: you and say, sweetheart, let me tell you what's really

703
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:11,359
Speaker 1: true about this idea that you're not loved or you're

704
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:14,360
Speaker 1: not wanted or you're all alone. And then you start

705
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:16,600
Speaker 1: with you know, if it's I'm alone, you say, I'm

706
00:39:16,719 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 1: right here with you. You're not alone, I'm here, I

707
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 1: love you, we're together. Right, you're kind of befriending that

708
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 1: wounded part of yourself. But then there's a whole different

709
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: set of skills that you might not know. So your

710
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,759
Speaker 1: way of dealing with conflict is number one, to avoid it,

711
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: because God forbid any conflict happened, because that's the beginning

712
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 1: of the end if you have that cluster of beliefs.

713
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 1: But you also might then put up a wall and

714
00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:45,120
Speaker 1: push people away energetically, which gives them the signal they

715
00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: should leave now, which then fulfills on your you know,

716
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 1: your worldview. Um, but what you need to do is

717
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,839
Speaker 1: learn like something that is maybe completely foreign too, which

718
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,760
Speaker 1: is when there's a breakdown, you pick up the phone,

719
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:02,240
Speaker 1: you say, Hey, I really care about our relationship matters

720
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 1: to me. I'm noticing that I'm feeling kind of disconnected

721
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 1: and a little out of the loop with you, and

722
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,840
Speaker 1: I wonder if we could talk about it, because I

723
00:40:11,239 --> 00:40:14,240
Speaker 1: want to make sure that we're good. It's so interesting

724
00:40:14,239 --> 00:40:17,920
Speaker 1: that you say that, because, um, I would say the

725
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:21,239
Speaker 1: hardest time and that I've had in my marriage was

726
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:25,320
Speaker 1: after I had my kids. We had, you know, two kids,

727
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 1: and I remember this moment of feeling really alone and

728
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:35,160
Speaker 1: feeling like lost. You know, I I was no longer

729
00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 1: going to a job every day that was telling me

730
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,759
Speaker 1: I was doing a good job, or I was no

731
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:42,880
Speaker 1: longer you know, seeing the same type of you know,

732
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 1: I did a competitive sport, was my job, so like

733
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 1: a first place told me you did good, you know,

734
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:50,320
Speaker 1: a sixth place told me work harder, you know, whatever

735
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,040
Speaker 1: it was. And so after I had the kids, I

736
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 1: really became silent, and then I would look to my

737
00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 1: husband to validate me when he got home and if

738
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: he had a stressful day at work or if something

739
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:05,920
Speaker 1: was going on and he didn't have a certain reaction

740
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 1: to something that I said, like the kids and I

741
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:12,839
Speaker 1: did babba, I would immediately go to this deep dark

742
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:17,200
Speaker 1: place of like, we're failing, this is terrible, this is

743
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:20,040
Speaker 1: the world, you know, whatever it is. And it wasn't

744
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,800
Speaker 1: until I like made a shift in myself and changed

745
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:26,880
Speaker 1: my life that had nothing to do with him that

746
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 1: then I felt comfortable to even say to him like, hey, Ed,

747
00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:32,439
Speaker 1: can you tell me if you've had like a bad

748
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 1: day at work or something's happened, so I don't take

749
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,240
Speaker 1: it personally when you come home if you're a little quiet,

750
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:42,000
Speaker 1: And he was like, you took it personally, and I'd

751
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:43,879
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, like if I come if you come

752
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,440
Speaker 1: home and I'm asking you questions and you're kind of

753
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,799
Speaker 1: short with me, I assume you're mad at me, And

754
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 1: he's like, what, why would you think that there would

755
00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:52,320
Speaker 1: be nothing for me to be mad at you about?

756
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 1: But it was all of this pressure I was putting

757
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 1: on myself every single night that I would base my

758
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,360
Speaker 1: mood on whatever his mood us and how he was

759
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:05,359
Speaker 1: validating me. So it really became like but once I

760
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:07,640
Speaker 1: asked him, like that was such a simple like he

761
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:10,320
Speaker 1: was like, for sure, I can send you a text

762
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:11,960
Speaker 1: on the way home and be like great day, can't

763
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:14,080
Speaker 1: wait to see you. Or I can be like gnarly day.

764
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 1: Should we just zone out and watch a movie? You know,

765
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,719
Speaker 1: like whatever, we all gets strong enough so that we

766
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 1: don't make everything about us? Yeah, what is that? And

767
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,880
Speaker 1: also why the dark place? Like? Why do I always

768
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:30,760
Speaker 1: go negative? So if I'm making crap up, why can't

769
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:34,600
Speaker 1: I make a positive crap instead of like negative crap?

770
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:36,879
Speaker 1: Like he hates me, he's not gonna text me back,

771
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 1: I suck? Why not just be like I'm hot, He's

772
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:43,080
Speaker 1: gonna text me back, and if he doesn't, it's because

773
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:50,279
Speaker 1: his loss is busy. Whatever? Why do I make up? Yeah? Well,

774
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:54,320
Speaker 1: I think I think that we default to an old

775
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:57,919
Speaker 1: place inside of us it's like a wounded identity. It's

776
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 1: it's an untrue, false identity. And we're because we're you know,

777
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:04,680
Speaker 1: when we were children like two, three, four, Like, our

778
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,120
Speaker 1: whole job was to create a sense of who am

779
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 1: I and what's possible between myself and other people, and

780
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:16,719
Speaker 1: we solidified that as the years went on because inside

781
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:23,400
Speaker 1: of making those decisions, we actually never learned certain ways

782
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:26,680
Speaker 1: of showing up that would give us evidence to the contrary.

783
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:31,400
Speaker 1: So an example is like, if you have a narcissistic mother,

784
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:35,920
Speaker 1: you might just, you know, just assume that nobody cares

785
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,839
Speaker 1: about your feelings and needs and that it's even dangerous

786
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: to be seen because it could make someone angry. And

787
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:45,720
Speaker 1: so you never learn how to negotiate for your needs

788
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 1: with anyone. You You just keep disappearing yourself. And do

789
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,399
Speaker 1: you think your past prior relationships kind of feed into

790
00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 1: it too, Like a lot of people ask me, you know,

791
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:58,720
Speaker 1: like why do I feel like when I when somebody

792
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,799
Speaker 1: breaks up with me, their lying about their reason? Like

793
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,960
Speaker 1: why do people need to lie about the reason? Like

794
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 1: a lot of the time of a man's reason would

795
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:07,920
Speaker 1: be you know, I'm just not in this place yet,

796
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,320
Speaker 1: I'm really focusing on my career, I'm doing this or

797
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:12,640
Speaker 1: doing what we're like, nine times out of ten it's

798
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 1: probably a lie and they're just not that into you.

799
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:17,720
Speaker 1: But what's the bother? Why not just say, like, listen,

800
00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:20,239
Speaker 1: I think you're great, but like I'm not feeling a connection.

801
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:23,560
Speaker 1: Wouldn't that be easier for us all to process? Why

802
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:28,719
Speaker 1: why do people want to lie? Yeah? Well, um boy,

803
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 1: that's a whole. That's a whole gnarly not, isn't it.

804
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:34,799
Speaker 1: I Mean, I think it's just polite what you're talking about.

805
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 1: And frankly, I think if somebody has already chosen to leave,

806
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:42,399
Speaker 1: to tell the truth is to then open the door

807
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:46,279
Speaker 1: to further engagement. Right, So, in a way, they're kind

808
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,960
Speaker 1: of done with you. I mean that's where I came in,

809
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:50,239
Speaker 1: and Jim was talking like I was done. When I

810
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:53,920
Speaker 1: said goodbye, I was like done because and and probably

811
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:55,680
Speaker 1: I don't know how you said goodbye, and it sounds

812
00:44:55,719 --> 00:44:59,000
Speaker 1: like a long relationship. So it's obviously more than you know.

813
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:02,279
Speaker 1: I'm into other things now. But um but I think

814
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,759
Speaker 1: that if people are done, they're done. If they've been

815
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:07,960
Speaker 1: processing individually or they've been trying to work it out

816
00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: the other person isn't meeting them. At some point they're

817
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:13,319
Speaker 1: ready to move on and then they just kind of

818
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:14,960
Speaker 1: want to tie it up with a bow and not

819
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 1: do any more damage. And do you think if they're

820
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 1: because after that breakup happens, and the person and that

821
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,399
Speaker 1: the other person tends to always want to have those

822
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 1: additional calls because there's something else they think that needs

823
00:45:27,719 --> 00:45:29,799
Speaker 1: to be said. Do you think those calls help? Do

824
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:33,600
Speaker 1: you think there's no? Not really, because because the impulse

825
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,000
Speaker 1: is to go from soul mate to soul hate, and

826
00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 1: like a positive bond to a negative bond. You know,

827
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,520
Speaker 1: nature has designed us to bond either way. Nature will

828
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,680
Speaker 1: take a negative bond over if you think, you know,

829
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:47,480
Speaker 1: hatred is not the opposite of love. Hatred is very

830
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:51,279
Speaker 1: engaged and high energy and a lot of investment, a

831
00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:54,920
Speaker 1: lot of energy going into more energy. It's so much energy.

832
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:59,160
Speaker 1: I mean, indifference is actually the opposite of love. Swift,

833
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:08,040
Speaker 1: says Taylor. Which one what is it called, you guys,

834
00:46:08,120 --> 00:46:11,839
Speaker 1: the one that says, uh, I forgot you existed. Ah,

835
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 1: it's not love, it's not hate, it's just indifference. There

836
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:19,600
Speaker 1: you go. That's what we're talking to. The swift, I mean,

837
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:22,120
Speaker 1: sometimes conscious you know a lot of times when when

838
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 1: people saw Gwyneth and Chris, they thought, oh, conscious uncoupling

839
00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 1: is staying really good friends with your former partner. It's not.

840
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:33,080
Speaker 1: It's about being empowered and free. So sometimes it's being

841
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 1: to me, you're not talking to the other person. But

842
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,600
Speaker 1: there is a difference between times. Can you talk, Oh yeah,

843
00:46:38,719 --> 00:46:41,200
Speaker 1: of course, and especially if you have children, you know,

844
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 1: shared community and talk and communicate. I only communicate with

845
00:46:47,560 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 1: my acts about our son, but I see other I

846
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:56,240
Speaker 1: have friends who are divorced who have kids, and there's

847
00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 1: no communication. There's a lot of screaming and name Colleen

848
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:06,319
Speaker 1: and the tax. They can't even taught. But he's he's

849
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:09,640
Speaker 1: a gate opener to my house, so that he's able to,

850
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,520
Speaker 1: you know, drop stuff off or pick stuff up or

851
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:17,360
Speaker 1: you know. It's very it's we're not friends but friendly.

852
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 1: We're friendly. Well as saying as there's no festering resentment

853
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:27,280
Speaker 1: between you, because if there is unresolved resentment, the children

854
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:29,800
Speaker 1: do feel it, even when we're on the surface friendly.

855
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 1: And I will say that part of why I wrote

856
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: conscious un coupling is like, I'm a big advocate of

857
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:38,400
Speaker 1: marriage and long term relationships, but you know, people break

858
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:41,320
Speaker 1: up in relationships and when happily ever after he was created,

859
00:47:41,360 --> 00:47:43,680
Speaker 1: the lifespan was less than forty years of age and

860
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 1: nobody was mobile. So like you know that we live

861
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:50,160
Speaker 1: in a very different universe than when that was created.

862
00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:53,840
Speaker 1: We need to up level, you know, how we're doing things.

863
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:57,799
Speaker 1: So there's a way consciously to separate. But you know,

864
00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:02,120
Speaker 1: you have you have these child written and if if

865
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:04,680
Speaker 1: you are going back and forth and kind of shuffling

866
00:48:04,719 --> 00:48:08,759
Speaker 1: between two different families, you're always asking your children to

867
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 1: be in a state of loss because they're losing one

868
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,040
Speaker 1: family to join other family. So even if you're quote

869
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,200
Speaker 1: unquote friendly, that's why I mean in conscious uncoupling, we

870
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:22,840
Speaker 1: have this idea of expanded family. We expand our family.

871
00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:26,440
Speaker 1: So and I still have a family with my former husband.

872
00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 1: I call him my husband, my husband denied and his

873
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:35,320
Speaker 1: his girlfriend and now my sweetheart, and we all spend

874
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:38,680
Speaker 1: holidays together. Still, you know, I'm not sure how long

875
00:48:38,719 --> 00:48:40,880
Speaker 1: we'll do that because we just sent my kid to college,

876
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 1: so we're kind of winding that stage down and now

877
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:46,560
Speaker 1: I'm free to go to Italy for the holidays or something.

878
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:50,920
Speaker 1: But but we really work to have one more you know,

879
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,240
Speaker 1: and look, I don't know. I'm almost like a hippie

880
00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 1: with it. Because my he had been married before and

881
00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:59,200
Speaker 1: he has another daughter, and so they would come to her.

882
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:01,799
Speaker 1: I'm invited them to her home for the holidays so

883
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:04,560
Speaker 1: that our daughters could have a relationship with each other.

884
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 1: And then at one point my daughter was six and

885
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 1: she said, you know, can my sister's mother be my godmother?

886
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 1: Because I want to have the same mother as my sister.

887
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 1: So I said, okay, so I really see. But here's

888
00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:20,360
Speaker 1: coming from divorced parents like I. Once they were divorced,

889
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: I didn't really want that. So I'm confused, like because

890
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:25,960
Speaker 1: I knew that when I was with my dad, I

891
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 1: was with my dad, and when I was with my mom,

892
00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:30,160
Speaker 1: I was with my mom. If there was an event,

893
00:49:30,200 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 1: and even if they were getting along, I felt unneeded

894
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 1: pressure because I wanted to make sure everything was going

895
00:49:36,239 --> 00:49:38,600
Speaker 1: to be good and smooth and blah blah blah. So

896
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 1: I wonder, like, yes, but yes, it is such a

897
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:44,920
Speaker 1: great thing to be able to all be together and

898
00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 1: do that. But like, kids were smart and we can

899
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:51,359
Speaker 1: feel any little thing. But that's what I'd say, that's

900
00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 1: what conscious uncoupling actually clears the field. You're not. But

901
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: don't you think you can. You think you're cleared and

902
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 1: you're not cleared. I it's not just an instruction to

903
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 1: clear the field, like I literally tell people what to

904
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:08,520
Speaker 1: do to complete and to clear it. It's no like

905
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:13,200
Speaker 1: room freaking out that you invented conscious uncomforting. I didn't

906
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:17,319
Speaker 1: like that until now, And like Gwyneth made that so

907
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:22,120
Speaker 1: famous that I actually was like googled who invented conscious uncomming?

908
00:50:22,239 --> 00:50:26,520
Speaker 1: To make sure that you weren't wrong. I mean, so

909
00:50:26,719 --> 00:50:30,719
Speaker 1: Gwynneth got that from you, She actually got it from

910
00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:34,440
Speaker 1: Habib's today he who got it from me. That's how

911
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 1: that happened. Habib was a fan of mine and he

912
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:40,960
Speaker 1: followed my work. He and his wife Dr Sammy, and

913
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:44,120
Speaker 1: they followed my work and they were fans. And then

914
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:47,480
Speaker 1: we are in the presence of greatness, which is why

915
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:49,680
Speaker 1: I really need to understand that. I feel like, if

916
00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:52,839
Speaker 1: you believe in conscious uncoupling, then it isn't that weird

917
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:59,520
Speaker 1: that I'm friends with exs no praise, like, but I

918
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:02,040
Speaker 1: have a question, so and I still want to address

919
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:05,799
Speaker 1: what you said about your parents and regards to conscious uncompling.

920
00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:09,760
Speaker 1: Is there a need to be friends with your exes

921
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 1: if you don't have children together. No, that's what I'm saying.

922
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:15,399
Speaker 1: There's no, but it's just about being complete with them

923
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:19,680
Speaker 1: and not having baggage but angst so they don't like

924
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:22,840
Speaker 1: knowing there's someone in the world that I loved that

925
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,600
Speaker 1: I have like but not some kind of it. So

926
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,880
Speaker 1: I work it out. I just work right, but work out.

927
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,440
Speaker 1: Working it out and saying I'm okay with this person

928
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:34,240
Speaker 1: and still being friends with them are two totally different

929
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 1: things in my opinion. So so so what is what

930
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:40,960
Speaker 1: is disturbing you about that? No, I'm saying, Okay, let's

931
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:45,000
Speaker 1: say that you were to get married tomorrow to somebody

932
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:47,760
Speaker 1: else and she's good friends with all of her exes,

933
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 1: eating dinner together, like all of those things. To me,

934
00:51:51,239 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 1: is that going to bother her her husband? I think

935
00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:57,799
Speaker 1: it's slightly disrespectful to her new Well, we'll ask him. Like,

936
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 1: but I'm saying if it were me and I was

937
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:03,840
Speaker 1: friends example, I was, I was married before. We didn't

938
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:07,160
Speaker 1: have a nasty breakup, we were friends. It was not

939
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,760
Speaker 1: a problem for edwyn Um. But then when my ex

940
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:14,200
Speaker 1: got with his new girlfriend now wife, she was like

941
00:52:14,239 --> 00:52:16,280
Speaker 1: you know what, we could kind of that could be

942
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:19,799
Speaker 1: you know, nipped in the bud. You guys don't And

943
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:22,480
Speaker 1: you know what I was like, Yeah, you're probably right,

944
00:52:22,520 --> 00:52:24,879
Speaker 1: because it is some sort of little crutch holding on

945
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:27,040
Speaker 1: to one another because of something you used to have.

946
00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:29,800
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean you like that, that you are in

947
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:32,520
Speaker 1: love with that person anymore, but having that kind of

948
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:35,120
Speaker 1: connection with somebody that you used to either be married

949
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:38,400
Speaker 1: to or have sex with, to me, is a little

950
00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:41,239
Speaker 1: touchy to the new partner. Yeah, which it could be,

951
00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:43,239
Speaker 1: and you have to take that into account. So you

952
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:46,480
Speaker 1: all did the right thing because you honored her. However,

953
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:50,320
Speaker 1: I think conscious uncoupling is neutral on what one chooses

954
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:54,319
Speaker 1: to do. Conscious uncoupling is really about being free. It's

955
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:59,440
Speaker 1: about learning your lessons, going deeper, taking personal responsibility, graduating

956
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:02,000
Speaker 1: from oldt Because when I don't do it, all I

957
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,120
Speaker 1: do is just hold onto that. I'm just holding onto

958
00:53:05,160 --> 00:53:09,200
Speaker 1: the relationship where I didn't consciously uncouple, and it just

959
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:13,160
Speaker 1: causes me pain or angst or I think I love

960
00:53:13,239 --> 00:53:15,600
Speaker 1: them or in my brain I'm talking about it all

961
00:53:15,640 --> 00:53:18,120
Speaker 1: the time. It's like, when I do it right, Yeah,

962
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,960
Speaker 1: it's free. You're free. You're just free. Of it, and

963
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:22,880
Speaker 1: then of course it's a choice and you have to

964
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:26,239
Speaker 1: and I think conscious uncoupling is always The other thing

965
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:31,279
Speaker 1: is that we honor the whole community. We don't honor

966
00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:35,640
Speaker 1: just um. We don't honor just the two people who

967
00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 1: are breaking up in a conscious uncoupling because relationship, because

968
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:42,680
Speaker 1: relationships belong to the community, to the children, to the school,

969
00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:46,319
Speaker 1: to the neighborhood, to the extended family, your cousins and

970
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 1: your aunts, and you know, there's a lot of other

971
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:53,360
Speaker 1: people who have invested in that relationship. So it's about

972
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:56,759
Speaker 1: everyone being well and happy. And that would of course

973
00:53:56,800 --> 00:53:59,799
Speaker 1: include a new partner and being respectful of what that

974
00:54:00,000 --> 00:54:02,520
Speaker 1: person can handle and what they're needing. I guess what

975
00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:07,080
Speaker 1: I'm struggling is I almost feel like it's unfair to

976
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,400
Speaker 1: go into a serious relationship with somebody else and be like, listen,

977
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:14,399
Speaker 1: you're also taking on my ex husband and we're gonna

978
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 1: we have dinner every Wednesday night because that's our thing

979
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:20,799
Speaker 1: and we are you know, that's who are you cool

980
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: with it? I mean, anybody's gonna be like, oh well.

981
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:27,279
Speaker 1: I think what needs to happen in that situation is

982
00:54:27,320 --> 00:54:29,520
Speaker 1: that there needs to be an effort for the for

983
00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: the former, like if you would if she had, if

984
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:33,960
Speaker 1: she had reached out to me and said, what should

985
00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:37,680
Speaker 1: I do, Catherine, I would have said, called Teddy and

986
00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:41,120
Speaker 1: invite her to lunch. And you create your own relationship

987
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:46,080
Speaker 1: with and some people are cool with the world is

988
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:49,800
Speaker 1: small sometimes, like I date somebody that's friends with somebody

989
00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:51,840
Speaker 1: I dated before, and I'm not going to make it weird.

990
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:55,400
Speaker 1: We're all friends. It's all good. My circle is a

991
00:54:55,440 --> 00:55:01,359
Speaker 1: tad small. I have a question, what So when you

992
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:06,520
Speaker 1: got forced? Was it ten? It was ten years ago? Correct?

993
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:11,680
Speaker 1: When did I get divorced into? In this book? Conscious

994
00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:17,560
Speaker 1: Uncompanying came out of that divorce. So did you test

995
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:21,200
Speaker 1: it on that divorce? I did? I did, and then

996
00:55:21,320 --> 00:55:24,960
Speaker 1: you wrote about it. Yeah, and what happened after your divorce?

997
00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,960
Speaker 1: You wrote, wrote the book after my divorce? Yeah, but

998
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:32,600
Speaker 1: it was your process, Well, it was my process informed

999
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:35,600
Speaker 1: by the many bad breakups I've had because I wasn't

1000
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,759
Speaker 1: doubled over in pain, but I have had breakups were

1001
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:40,759
Speaker 1: like half the hair on my head fell out because

1002
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:43,000
Speaker 1: I was in so much grief, and I started smoking

1003
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:45,239
Speaker 1: again and I didn't need for you, what do you

1004
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:47,640
Speaker 1: do when you're in that much pain and that's what

1005
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,680
Speaker 1: we needed. Another add on to that, what is the

1006
00:55:49,719 --> 00:55:55,319
Speaker 1: difference between heartbreak and depression? Yes, good question, Okay, which

1007
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:57,000
Speaker 1: one do we want to go to? First? Start break?

1008
00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 1: What do you do that survived that pain of heartbreak

1009
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,040
Speaker 1: where I'm in the shower and I say to myself,

1010
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:08,080
Speaker 1: this is excruciating. Well, look at depression is actually, if

1011
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:12,319
Speaker 1: you look at the stages of grief, depression is um

1012
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:18,000
Speaker 1: is a step down the road towards recovery from the

1013
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:22,120
Speaker 1: initial angst of heartbreak. Because depression means you're kind of

1014
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:26,400
Speaker 1: inching your way towards acceptance of this is WHAT'SO. And

1015
00:56:26,440 --> 00:56:29,239
Speaker 1: you feel depressed because you're not fighting it anymore. But

1016
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:31,600
Speaker 1: you know, you have the five stages of greep. You

1017
00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:34,279
Speaker 1: have denial, this can't be happening. You have anger, how

1018
00:56:34,440 --> 00:56:37,840
Speaker 1: dary you know do this to me? You have bargaining

1019
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,520
Speaker 1: maybe if I had, you know, maybe if I lose

1020
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:42,200
Speaker 1: ten pounds, or maybe if I you know, do this

1021
00:56:42,320 --> 00:56:44,239
Speaker 1: or that, or let's go to counseling. You know, now

1022
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:46,879
Speaker 1: we're in the bargaining, you start to get depressure, like, oh,

1023
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:50,560
Speaker 1: this is really happening. And then in those moments what

1024
00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,880
Speaker 1: if you have the urge of like, maybe I should

1025
00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:56,120
Speaker 1: get back with him, Well, you probably will, and so

1026
00:56:56,160 --> 00:56:58,719
Speaker 1: what I do is I kind of unpack. In the

1027
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:02,719
Speaker 1: book Counts Uncoupling, Eye unpack what's happening in our biology

1028
00:57:02,760 --> 00:57:08,680
Speaker 1: because love, you know, love withdrawal, it simulates drug withdrawal

1029
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:12,000
Speaker 1: in our brains, in our bodies. Nature has hardwired us

1030
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:15,640
Speaker 1: to stay connected. We are not born to break up.

1031
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:19,480
Speaker 1: So that you know, uh lu Casalino. Dr lu Casalino

1032
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,160
Speaker 1: will talk about how the brain is actually a social organ.

1033
00:57:22,520 --> 00:57:25,240
Speaker 1: So we regulate our body functions with each other, We

1034
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:28,760
Speaker 1: regulate our emotions with each other. It's that phenomenon of

1035
00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:32,000
Speaker 1: when somebody is hurting you and they're they're they're breaking

1036
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:34,120
Speaker 1: your heart there withdrawing and then and you're in so

1037
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:36,160
Speaker 1: much pain, and then they call you and you hear

1038
00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:39,720
Speaker 1: their voice and your whole body comes down like finally right.

1039
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,680
Speaker 1: But this is the person hurting you so so so

1040
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:45,040
Speaker 1: we regulate each other. And so what happens in a

1041
00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:49,520
Speaker 1: breakup is we are deregulated. We are in a relational trauma,

1042
00:57:49,640 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 1: which is which Judith Herman from the Harvard Medical School

1043
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:55,040
Speaker 1: will say is one of the worst traumas we can

1044
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:59,120
Speaker 1: ever go through um and you know, the rejection that

1045
00:57:59,160 --> 00:58:03,400
Speaker 1: we're feeling maybe is simulating, uh, it's it's hitting all

1046
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:06,440
Speaker 1: the pain centers in the brain, so the brain is

1047
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:09,760
Speaker 1: experiencing it almost is physical pain. Lately, doctors have been

1048
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:14,480
Speaker 1: prescribing aspirin for heartbreak because of this. So we're really

1049
00:58:15,080 --> 00:58:20,840
Speaker 1: out of cutwork. It's shown to I don't know what

1050
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:29,400
Speaker 1: right had. This podcast is Stomach. This week's podcast by

1051
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:41,479
Speaker 1: asprit I Love. Okay, okay, good, alright, I'm pretty sure.

1052
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:44,439
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure. But so this is the person who

1053
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:48,440
Speaker 1: is like here, like being left, mostly because the person

1054
00:58:48,480 --> 00:58:52,200
Speaker 1: who's leaving has had time to build an identity outside

1055
00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:55,280
Speaker 1: the relationship is pretty acclimated. By the time they finally

1056
00:58:55,320 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: put their foot down, they've you know, they've, they've they're

1057
00:58:58,520 --> 00:59:01,720
Speaker 1: they're onto the next thing already. Internally, there's the person

1058
00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:05,360
Speaker 1: who's being left that's this traumatized. Even if they've been

1059
00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:07,640
Speaker 1: told over and over again, if this doesn't happen, I'm

1060
00:59:07,640 --> 00:59:10,360
Speaker 1: going to be leaving, they somehow didn't think it was

1061
00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:13,360
Speaker 1: going to happen. And so they're the ones that you know,

1062
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:16,400
Speaker 1: this particular step one is for, and that is when

1063
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,840
Speaker 1: you're kind of wildly out of control, and that's when

1064
00:59:18,840 --> 00:59:20,880
Speaker 1: you want to pour bleach on all his good suits

1065
00:59:21,040 --> 00:59:24,520
Speaker 1: and you want to like his car. I don't have that.

1066
00:59:24,760 --> 00:59:27,440
Speaker 1: So if you were to follow all these steps, you

1067
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:29,800
Speaker 1: could do it in seven weeks. Well that now that's

1068
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:33,040
Speaker 1: calling in the one. So there's two books, right, But

1069
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:35,720
Speaker 1: then I have just uncoupling and calling in. How long

1070
00:59:35,800 --> 00:59:39,720
Speaker 1: does it take to conscious uncouple? It depends on the person.

1071
00:59:39,880 --> 00:59:42,680
Speaker 1: It depends on the situation. I mean, because like I

1072
00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:45,160
Speaker 1: have these friends that will break up, and I have

1073
00:59:45,240 --> 00:59:48,960
Speaker 1: been hearing about this breakup for three years or five years.

1074
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:51,560
Speaker 1: And then you know, and you for a while, you're

1075
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:55,200
Speaker 1: empathetic and you're like, listen, I feel you. I'm there,

1076
00:59:55,280 --> 00:59:57,040
Speaker 1: you know, and then you get to the point where

1077
00:59:57,040 --> 01:00:01,000
Speaker 1: you're like, if I hear Jonathan's name one more time,

1078
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:04,840
Speaker 1: I'm gonna call Jonathan myself, have him changed his phone number,

1079
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:09,560
Speaker 1: you know, Like Google did extensively, and it said there's

1080
01:00:09,600 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 1: lots of different ones, but one said eleven weeks, and

1081
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:16,480
Speaker 1: I sort of settled in on that one. Eleven weeks.

1082
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:19,840
Speaker 1: Felt like, okay, all right, I don't think so. I

1083
01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:23,720
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm I'm I'm in the camp like this

1084
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:26,840
Speaker 1: could go on for years, you know, I mean my look,

1085
01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:31,280
Speaker 1: my mother has been divorced from her third husband for

1086
01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:34,919
Speaker 1: about thirty five years, and a couple of years ago

1087
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:37,400
Speaker 1: he was still taking her to court saying she owed

1088
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:42,280
Speaker 1: him more money. So if you family, if you are

1089
01:00:42,520 --> 01:00:45,600
Speaker 1: if you are the friend that has the friend that's

1090
01:00:45,640 --> 01:00:48,880
Speaker 1: been talking about the same breakup for multiple years, and

1091
01:00:48,920 --> 01:00:51,560
Speaker 1: you it's at this point, what is a good thing

1092
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:53,560
Speaker 1: to do as a friend to that person? You would

1093
01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:55,560
Speaker 1: buy her the book and you'd say, look, you really

1094
01:00:55,560 --> 01:00:57,919
Speaker 1: need to complete this, Like how do we actually get

1095
01:00:57,960 --> 01:01:01,520
Speaker 1: complete when something has been that fair for somebody who

1096
01:01:01,600 --> 01:01:04,360
Speaker 1: can't buy the book, somebody that's listening right now, what

1097
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:07,760
Speaker 1: is a good first step? Six bucks? I just ordered

1098
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:12,680
Speaker 1: it while on Amazon right now, but can okay, can

1099
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:15,520
Speaker 1: there you go? But but I actually have a whole

1100
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:20,400
Speaker 1: free starter kit Unconscious Uncoupling dot Com Forward Slash starter kit.

1101
01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:22,600
Speaker 1: People can do that for free and I and I

1102
01:01:22,640 --> 01:01:25,560
Speaker 1: take people through the five steps, and I have audios

1103
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:28,120
Speaker 1: and people can listen to the audios. But there's there's

1104
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:31,560
Speaker 1: a process that people need to go through to really

1105
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:37,240
Speaker 1: come out the other side of it wiser, stronger, more

1106
01:01:37,400 --> 01:01:40,960
Speaker 1: capable of loving. I feel sort of good listening to you.

1107
01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:46,080
Speaker 1: Do you have private practice? I do, although it's narrow

1108
01:01:46,320 --> 01:01:49,600
Speaker 1: because I'm mostly trained coaches, but really yeah, I have

1109
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:52,080
Speaker 1: all go a whole body of coaches that I trained.

1110
01:01:52,280 --> 01:01:55,520
Speaker 1: So if somebody can't get over break up the same way,

1111
01:01:55,560 --> 01:01:57,920
Speaker 1: I'm just talking about three years. But what do you

1112
01:01:57,960 --> 01:02:00,520
Speaker 1: think is actually going on, is that there's too angry

1113
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:03,360
Speaker 1: or well, so they might they might be creating a

1114
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:06,600
Speaker 1: negative bond as a replacement for the positive bond that

1115
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:10,600
Speaker 1: sets soul mate to soul hate phenomenon and um, as

1116
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:13,440
Speaker 1: I said, nature hates you know, it is kind of

1117
01:02:13,440 --> 01:02:17,040
Speaker 1: structured so that we stay together and in in Nature's universe.

1118
01:02:17,080 --> 01:02:20,320
Speaker 1: Better a hate bond than no bond at all. So

1119
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,880
Speaker 1: it's understanding the cost and the consequences of that. You know,

1120
01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,160
Speaker 1: resentment is as hard on the body as if we're

1121
01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:29,040
Speaker 1: smoking a half a pack of cigarettes a day. Studies show,

1122
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,120
Speaker 1: I mean, there's all sorts of reasons. Certainly, if you

1123
01:02:31,120 --> 01:02:33,600
Speaker 1: have children, if you ever hope to be in another

1124
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:36,200
Speaker 1: happy relationship, we don't want to be taking that baggage

1125
01:02:36,200 --> 01:02:39,680
Speaker 1: in um if you are you know, the if you

1126
01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:41,880
Speaker 1: have children and your and you're and you're in the

1127
01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:45,280
Speaker 1: process of separating. You want to start to to to

1128
01:02:45,360 --> 01:02:47,800
Speaker 1: do the work immediately because you're in the midst of

1129
01:02:47,840 --> 01:02:50,600
Speaker 1: trauma and crisis and every action you take, every choice

1130
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,320
Speaker 1: you make, or creating consequences that you and your children

1131
01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:55,080
Speaker 1: are probably going to be living with for the rest

1132
01:02:55,360 --> 01:02:57,240
Speaker 1: of your lives, or at least for the next decade

1133
01:02:57,320 --> 01:02:59,760
Speaker 1: or so. Do you still believe in marriage? I do

1134
01:03:00,360 --> 01:03:03,880
Speaker 1: you do? Do you well? Because I believe the container

1135
01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:09,120
Speaker 1: of all in commitment is beautiful and healing and and

1136
01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:12,160
Speaker 1: um a container for growth. I think it's the highest

1137
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:14,840
Speaker 1: and the best creates a lot of safety. What do

1138
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,280
Speaker 1: you think about this one? I have a friend who

1139
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:20,800
Speaker 1: said he's not getting divorced because his kids are begging

1140
01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:24,280
Speaker 1: him not to. They're eight or seven or five or

1141
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:28,680
Speaker 1: something like that. It's like, ah, well, I think, so

1142
01:03:28,720 --> 01:03:30,800
Speaker 1: it's a new frame. You know what, We're going to

1143
01:03:30,960 --> 01:03:34,000
Speaker 1: design our family like this, I mean, truthfully and a

1144
01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:37,720
Speaker 1: conscious uncoupling in a way you still decide to stay

1145
01:03:37,800 --> 01:03:40,120
Speaker 1: a family so that the kids are saying no, don't,

1146
01:03:40,200 --> 01:03:42,880
Speaker 1: don't let me come from a broken home. I don't

1147
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:46,680
Speaker 1: want my poem to be broken. And conscious uncoupling started

1148
01:03:46,720 --> 01:03:50,040
Speaker 1: from this inquiry, like, could you actually have a divorce

1149
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:54,440
Speaker 1: where you don't break the family, where you expand the family,

1150
01:03:54,520 --> 01:03:58,000
Speaker 1: You accommodate the new relationship that the parents want to create,

1151
01:03:58,160 --> 01:04:01,040
Speaker 1: and you evolve the family into a different place. But

1152
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:03,479
Speaker 1: a lot of the times these divorces are stemming from

1153
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:05,920
Speaker 1: you're married to a narcissist or you're married to an ada.

1154
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:09,280
Speaker 1: So how do you consciously uncouple from one of those? Right?

1155
01:04:09,320 --> 01:04:12,240
Speaker 1: That's beautiful, So I and ideal a lot with that.

1156
01:04:12,720 --> 01:04:15,120
Speaker 1: People come to me when they've had, you know, really

1157
01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:17,920
Speaker 1: a tremendous amount of pain from narcissist. So this is

1158
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:23,080
Speaker 1: at N three analogy because usually that three percent is

1159
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:27,520
Speaker 1: a pretty helpful piece to look at about how someone

1160
01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:31,240
Speaker 1: has been sourcing their value from giving, how they haven't

1161
01:04:31,280 --> 01:04:35,280
Speaker 1: presence to themselves, how they source safety from disappearing themselves

1162
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:38,200
Speaker 1: and focusing another person. So what you say is this

1163
01:04:38,280 --> 01:04:43,000
Speaker 1: is your grand opportunity to graduate forever so that you

1164
01:04:43,040 --> 01:04:46,280
Speaker 1: really could actually be capable of creating relationship where somebody

1165
01:04:46,320 --> 01:04:49,959
Speaker 1: sees you, somebody hears you, you see them, there's mutuality,

1166
01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:53,800
Speaker 1: there's maturity, but you're still having to be with that person.

1167
01:04:54,040 --> 01:04:59,600
Speaker 1: But well, if you have children, Okay, so you have

1168
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:01,600
Speaker 1: to be response. You know, we all have karma. We

1169
01:05:01,600 --> 01:05:04,640
Speaker 1: all make decisions, and those decisions generate things, and then

1170
01:05:04,680 --> 01:05:07,080
Speaker 1: we have to be responsible for the decisions we make.

1171
01:05:07,120 --> 01:05:10,120
Speaker 1: If you marry a narcissist, you probably saw some of

1172
01:05:10,120 --> 01:05:13,560
Speaker 1: the red flags and did it anyway, and there are

1173
01:05:13,680 --> 01:05:17,240
Speaker 1: consequences to that, so you know, you make the best

1174
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:19,400
Speaker 1: of it. But one of the things I teach unconscious

1175
01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:24,760
Speaker 1: uncoupling also is how to de escalate someone's rage, because

1176
01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:27,520
Speaker 1: if you're breaking up from a narcissist, they're going to

1177
01:05:27,600 --> 01:05:30,640
Speaker 1: have a lot of rage. It's called narcissistic rage. Do

1178
01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:32,600
Speaker 1: you de escalate because I just do that. I'm sorry,

1179
01:05:32,600 --> 01:05:34,120
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right,

1180
01:05:34,160 --> 01:05:38,600
Speaker 1: you're right, you're right. Well, so dumb, No, it's not dumb.

1181
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,640
Speaker 1: You could probably do it even more effectively. But you

1182
01:05:40,640 --> 01:05:44,800
Speaker 1: have really good instincts. Saymy, you have really really good instincts.

1183
01:05:45,520 --> 01:05:47,880
Speaker 1: Um on, how to you know? If you have children,

1184
01:05:48,560 --> 01:05:52,480
Speaker 1: you want to be able to kind of salvage the

1185
01:05:52,600 --> 01:05:56,840
Speaker 1: good and build on that, So you might do something like, wow,

1186
01:05:57,200 --> 01:06:00,560
Speaker 1: I while you're really angry, you kind of mirror their

1187
01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:02,800
Speaker 1: feelings back to them, Wow, you're really angry. Can you

1188
01:06:02,840 --> 01:06:05,360
Speaker 1: tell me more about that? Because and then your generative

1189
01:06:05,600 --> 01:06:07,640
Speaker 1: I really want us to understand each other so that

1190
01:06:07,720 --> 01:06:10,200
Speaker 1: this doesn't happen again, and we can you know, we

1191
01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:16,400
Speaker 1: can do co parenting. They're almost feeding the little narcissistics

1192
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:22,400
Speaker 1: apply in the narcissist. You feed the beast what you want,

1193
01:06:22,600 --> 01:06:25,200
Speaker 1: you kind of do and you do it sweetly, and

1194
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:27,800
Speaker 1: you keep your eye on what's the most important. But

1195
01:06:28,400 --> 01:06:31,440
Speaker 1: the narcissist then they don't think it even more confused

1196
01:06:31,480 --> 01:06:33,880
Speaker 1: and then dig in even deeper like them. No, you

1197
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:36,760
Speaker 1: can diffuse them. You can. They're they're pretty once you

1198
01:06:36,880 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 1: kind of catch it. They're they're a little easy to man.

1199
01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 1: I feel like anyone dealing with all of this, you

1200
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:45,600
Speaker 1: have to be so strong, well core, This is what

1201
01:06:45,640 --> 01:06:47,480
Speaker 1: I was going to say. What you do? You need

1202
01:06:47,560 --> 01:06:49,720
Speaker 1: to do the internal work to get them out of

1203
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:52,120
Speaker 1: the power position, because if you've been with a narcissist,

1204
01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:55,120
Speaker 1: it means you've given your powerway to that person. So

1205
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:59,800
Speaker 1: the first three steps of conscious uncoupling are all about you.

1206
01:07:00,640 --> 01:07:02,720
Speaker 1: They're not about going there and do this with them.

1207
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:05,440
Speaker 1: You have to, you know, Number one, get a handle

1208
01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:09,320
Speaker 1: on your emotions. That's fine. Emotional freedom is the first step.

1209
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:12,560
Speaker 1: Number two is reclaim your power and your life, and

1210
01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:15,960
Speaker 1: believe it or not, it's about taking responsibility for your

1211
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:18,840
Speaker 1: three percent so that you start knowing the amends to

1212
01:07:18,840 --> 01:07:21,840
Speaker 1: make yourself so someone. For a narcissist, one of the

1213
01:07:21,840 --> 01:07:25,360
Speaker 1: mechanisms is, you know, I always gave in. I never

1214
01:07:25,480 --> 01:07:29,080
Speaker 1: presence to myself, and so the amends to self is

1215
01:07:29,160 --> 01:07:32,080
Speaker 1: you need to presence yourself everywhere with everyone you call.

1216
01:07:32,200 --> 01:07:34,440
Speaker 1: What about you tell your boss what you're really feeling?

1217
01:07:34,440 --> 01:07:43,120
Speaker 1: You tell your someone that's you know, uh, mentally abusing you. Well, again,

1218
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:47,480
Speaker 1: I'm not letting them off the hook for their crappy behavior.

1219
01:07:47,960 --> 01:07:50,480
Speaker 1: But if somebody comes to me because they're suffering from

1220
01:07:50,520 --> 01:07:54,280
Speaker 1: the from the horror of going through that experience, the

1221
01:07:54,320 --> 01:07:57,160
Speaker 1: best thing, the best medicine I can tell I can

1222
01:07:57,160 --> 01:07:59,040
Speaker 1: give to them is how have you been lying to

1223
01:07:59,080 --> 01:08:02,720
Speaker 1: yourself to stay in this relationship? What parts of your

1224
01:08:02,760 --> 01:08:04,880
Speaker 1: knowing have you been cutting off and throwing under the

1225
01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:07,959
Speaker 1: bus to try and salvage something? He does feel better.

1226
01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:11,480
Speaker 1: Even if you stand up a little bit and you

1227
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:15,400
Speaker 1: have to be like strong and you do it, and

1228
01:08:15,440 --> 01:08:18,240
Speaker 1: then you don't back down because I have that sort

1229
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:21,840
Speaker 1: of weird thing like where I stand up for myself.

1230
01:08:21,840 --> 01:08:23,519
Speaker 1: We hang up and then it's like I need to

1231
01:08:23,520 --> 01:08:25,160
Speaker 1: call back. I need to call back, I need to

1232
01:08:25,200 --> 01:08:28,320
Speaker 1: go back in again and something, and then you go nope,

1233
01:08:28,680 --> 01:08:37,920
Speaker 1: I'm good. Yeah, wow, that's great. Well, well, well so

1234
01:08:38,080 --> 01:08:40,559
Speaker 1: we're talking so which it's almost like which self are

1235
01:08:40,600 --> 01:08:42,960
Speaker 1: you sourcing the relationship from? Are you going to source

1236
01:08:43,000 --> 01:08:46,240
Speaker 1: yourself from the I'm you know, not good enough self?

1237
01:08:46,439 --> 01:08:48,160
Speaker 1: You're going to be in that conversation from the I

1238
01:08:48,200 --> 01:08:50,080
Speaker 1: don't matter self? Or are you're going to be in

1239
01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:53,559
Speaker 1: the conversation from I matter my feelings and needs mighter

1240
01:08:53,640 --> 01:08:59,600
Speaker 1: than letter to me to others. That's so cool. My

1241
01:09:00,920 --> 01:09:05,679
Speaker 1: I am so different in my current relationship then I

1242
01:09:05,720 --> 01:09:10,800
Speaker 1: was in the seventeen year marriage because I over communicate.

1243
01:09:10,880 --> 01:09:14,200
Speaker 1: I don't want to say over communicate, but I'm a

1244
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:17,120
Speaker 1: pretty calm person. I really don't raise my voice, but

1245
01:09:17,200 --> 01:09:21,640
Speaker 1: I am I'm forced. I had to force myself to

1246
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:26,000
Speaker 1: communicate my needs or if something was bothering me or

1247
01:09:26,040 --> 01:09:30,720
Speaker 1: if something triggered me. And he appreciates that because he

1248
01:09:30,720 --> 01:09:33,320
Speaker 1: doesn't have to guess. The guests were taking out the

1249
01:09:33,360 --> 01:09:37,120
Speaker 1: guesswork has been a game changer in my because we

1250
01:09:37,160 --> 01:09:39,760
Speaker 1: all want to assume the worst. Well I do. I

1251
01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:42,920
Speaker 1: want to assume the worst. And I actually that's something

1252
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:46,639
Speaker 1: I do with my kids now too, and it's really

1253
01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:48,519
Speaker 1: helped us because you know, when they were first born,

1254
01:09:48,760 --> 01:09:51,840
Speaker 1: they were my hundred percent. It was us all the time.

1255
01:09:52,920 --> 01:09:56,599
Speaker 1: And then things started changing where like I started developing

1256
01:09:56,640 --> 01:09:58,760
Speaker 1: all in, I created a big business. I have forty

1257
01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:01,479
Speaker 1: eight women that work with me. I went on a

1258
01:10:01,520 --> 01:10:04,640
Speaker 1: television show, like life really shifted. So I started kind

1259
01:10:04,640 --> 01:10:08,280
Speaker 1: of setting their expectations and being like, hey, guys, tomorrow

1260
01:10:08,439 --> 01:10:10,559
Speaker 1: is like a crazy work day for me. I don't

1261
01:10:10,560 --> 01:10:12,759
Speaker 1: want you to think that I'm not paying attention to you.

1262
01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:14,640
Speaker 1: I love you, I care about you. It's going to

1263
01:10:14,680 --> 01:10:17,720
Speaker 1: be crazy. But then guess what Friday, it's us you know.

1264
01:10:17,800 --> 01:10:21,000
Speaker 1: But just like then they're not acting out because they're

1265
01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:23,360
Speaker 1: not feeling like they're getting a certain level of attention,

1266
01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:26,960
Speaker 1: and you realize, wow, it really just that took two

1267
01:10:27,000 --> 01:10:30,519
Speaker 1: seconds and like really meant something, and then and me

1268
01:10:30,600 --> 01:10:32,280
Speaker 1: and then I took the guilt off me, and they

1269
01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:34,800
Speaker 1: feel secure. Yeah, they're like, oh we're good, We're good.

1270
01:10:35,720 --> 01:10:39,760
Speaker 1: But it's crazy that like why we avoid doing something

1271
01:10:39,840 --> 01:10:43,360
Speaker 1: that could make all of our lives easier. Yeah, the

1272
01:10:43,439 --> 01:10:51,640
Speaker 1: beautiful And on the same same topic, when when you

1273
01:10:51,680 --> 01:10:56,920
Speaker 1: are finally deciding to whether you know, unconscious, when you

1274
01:10:57,040 --> 01:11:03,960
Speaker 1: decided to consciously, when it consciously, how do you get

1275
01:11:04,000 --> 01:11:08,280
Speaker 1: over being so upset that it's over? Um, I think

1276
01:11:08,479 --> 01:11:12,200
Speaker 1: we've all had those moments. I know I have. And

1277
01:11:12,439 --> 01:11:19,559
Speaker 1: it's really about making meaning of the breakup in equal

1278
01:11:19,720 --> 01:11:23,040
Speaker 1: or greater measure than the pain you're in. So, for example,

1279
01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:26,519
Speaker 1: you're going to say, I can't believe I messed this

1280
01:11:26,600 --> 01:11:30,800
Speaker 1: relationship up or I lost the opportunity of this relationship,

1281
01:11:30,960 --> 01:11:34,000
Speaker 1: and I really get the cost of when I behave

1282
01:11:34,840 --> 01:11:37,280
Speaker 1: in this way, when I give my power away to somebody,

1283
01:11:37,360 --> 01:11:39,160
Speaker 1: I really get the cost of when I show up

1284
01:11:39,160 --> 01:11:42,400
Speaker 1: out of my insecurity or you know, whatever it is,

1285
01:11:42,520 --> 01:11:46,439
Speaker 1: and that will never happen again. That's just what you said.

1286
01:11:46,560 --> 01:11:50,880
Speaker 1: It will never happen again. From this moment forward, I

1287
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,719
Speaker 1: will be a different woman and I will show up different.

1288
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:57,080
Speaker 1: So you kind of have to make that level of

1289
01:11:57,160 --> 01:12:01,160
Speaker 1: dramatic meaning and I don't have. Uh, I can't parallel

1290
01:12:01,240 --> 01:12:03,400
Speaker 1: this with a breakup for me, But for me, I've

1291
01:12:03,439 --> 01:12:08,360
Speaker 1: always struggled, um with with waite and I would, you know,

1292
01:12:08,479 --> 01:12:11,519
Speaker 1: with past food things. And I used to tell myself

1293
01:12:11,520 --> 01:12:14,400
Speaker 1: for many years, this will never happen again, and then

1294
01:12:14,400 --> 01:12:18,600
Speaker 1: it would happen again. So right, I was thinking, I

1295
01:12:18,880 --> 01:12:23,160
Speaker 1: will never do this again until in the next until

1296
01:12:23,240 --> 01:12:25,400
Speaker 1: I do this next fad diet, and then I do

1297
01:12:25,520 --> 01:12:28,040
Speaker 1: this next binge, and then I do this next you know,

1298
01:12:28,360 --> 01:12:32,679
Speaker 1: whatever I'm doing to myself. You know, now I've created.

1299
01:12:32,680 --> 01:12:35,320
Speaker 1: The reason it's shifted is because I've created kind of

1300
01:12:35,320 --> 01:12:39,840
Speaker 1: like a tribe of people to help me continue myself accountable.

1301
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:44,400
Speaker 1: But before that, I you know, i'd say never do

1302
01:12:44,439 --> 01:12:45,840
Speaker 1: it again, and then I'd be like, well, you know,

1303
01:12:45,880 --> 01:12:47,400
Speaker 1: I had a bad day, so I'm doing it again.

1304
01:12:47,520 --> 01:12:49,760
Speaker 1: Here we go. But I think what you're saying is

1305
01:12:49,800 --> 01:12:51,599
Speaker 1: the key. I think that we need to be together

1306
01:12:51,640 --> 01:12:53,439
Speaker 1: in these things. I don't think that any of us

1307
01:12:53,479 --> 01:12:56,200
Speaker 1: can change in isolation. And and you know, I'm a therapist,

1308
01:12:56,280 --> 01:12:58,960
Speaker 1: so I get to pick my professional part a little bit.

1309
01:12:58,960 --> 01:13:00,960
Speaker 1: That's one of the reasons I don't really just to

1310
01:13:01,080 --> 01:13:03,960
Speaker 1: private practice, even though I know that's very valuable, is

1311
01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:06,439
Speaker 1: because I love working with groups, because I think groups

1312
01:13:06,520 --> 01:13:09,639
Speaker 1: is where it's at. And uh, and now what I'm

1313
01:13:09,680 --> 01:13:12,320
Speaker 1: doing is something called the True You Awakening, and I

1314
01:13:12,439 --> 01:13:16,000
Speaker 1: have workshops and classes in the True You Awakening so

1315
01:13:16,040 --> 01:13:19,120
Speaker 1: that we can really challenge the old beliefs and the

1316
01:13:19,200 --> 01:13:22,559
Speaker 1: identity we've been living out of standing the deeper truth

1317
01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:24,679
Speaker 1: of who we are and start to show up like that.

1318
01:13:25,120 --> 01:13:27,280
Speaker 1: And you know, you know, in any in all areas,

1319
01:13:27,520 --> 01:13:29,800
Speaker 1: so food, food would be one of them. Health and

1320
01:13:29,880 --> 01:13:32,800
Speaker 1: body image and what's my identity and my body? So

1321
01:13:32,840 --> 01:13:34,880
Speaker 1: what did you think? This is just a total sidebar,

1322
01:13:34,960 --> 01:13:38,360
Speaker 1: but I've just had to ask, okay, when everybody was

1323
01:13:38,400 --> 01:13:41,360
Speaker 1: sort of like conscious uncoupling, like and it feels like

1324
01:13:41,400 --> 01:13:44,599
Speaker 1: it was on Saturday Night Live, Like did you like that?

1325
01:13:45,040 --> 01:13:47,280
Speaker 1: I think it was on Saturday Night Love. People send

1326
01:13:47,280 --> 01:13:49,840
Speaker 1: it to me and I actually loved it. No, no, no,

1327
01:13:49,920 --> 01:13:51,920
Speaker 1: I loved it. It was you know, it's one of

1328
01:13:51,960 --> 01:13:54,479
Speaker 1: those things because I just shared about how broken my

1329
01:13:55,040 --> 01:13:58,600
Speaker 1: upbringing was and how my parents you know, had animosity

1330
01:13:58,680 --> 01:14:01,439
Speaker 1: for years, and how messed up I was. To have

1331
01:14:01,560 --> 01:14:05,799
Speaker 1: gone to a place where I would create something because

1332
01:14:05,960 --> 01:14:09,480
Speaker 1: that would kind of go global and change the conversation.

1333
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:13,599
Speaker 1: It was extraordinary. It was really extraordinary. It was almost

1334
01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:15,120
Speaker 1: like you know, it was almost like hitting a home

1335
01:14:15,200 --> 01:14:16,760
Speaker 1: run in the ball like went out of the park.

1336
01:14:16,840 --> 01:14:19,719
Speaker 1: It was. It was a really exhilarating thing. So even

1337
01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:21,800
Speaker 1: when people were doing it with humor and stuff, it

1338
01:14:21,840 --> 01:14:24,799
Speaker 1: didn't really bother me because there was an equal measure.

1339
01:14:24,840 --> 01:14:27,719
Speaker 1: People who were saying, oh, a new paradigm of of

1340
01:14:27,720 --> 01:14:30,040
Speaker 1: of divorce just got created, Like how we could do

1341
01:14:30,040 --> 01:14:32,240
Speaker 1: this differently? Just got six dollars from me, girls, So

1342
01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:35,880
Speaker 1: tell what you worried about that? And I just opened

1343
01:14:36,000 --> 01:14:39,720
Speaker 1: up the questions onto my Instagram and one of them

1344
01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:41,439
Speaker 1: that just came in that I thought was interesting is

1345
01:14:41,680 --> 01:14:44,000
Speaker 1: how do you get over someone when you truly believe

1346
01:14:44,040 --> 01:14:46,920
Speaker 1: they're the one. That's a really great question. So what

1347
01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:51,000
Speaker 1: I say about that is they are the one at

1348
01:14:51,040 --> 01:14:54,800
Speaker 1: that level of your development, and if that is so,

1349
01:14:55,280 --> 01:15:00,240
Speaker 1: then you better grow yourself healthier and stronger so that

1350
01:15:00,280 --> 01:15:05,320
Speaker 1: you literally outgrow that person. You become a better version

1351
01:15:05,360 --> 01:15:10,680
Speaker 1: of yourself. That makes sense. Wow, that's why you have

1352
01:15:10,760 --> 01:15:14,800
Speaker 1: to keep growing together if you get married you I

1353
01:15:14,840 --> 01:15:17,080
Speaker 1: try to just say the universe is going to sort

1354
01:15:17,160 --> 01:15:21,840
Speaker 1: this all out. Ah, that's sweet. Well maybe, but I

1355
01:15:21,880 --> 01:15:23,600
Speaker 1: don't know if it's helpful to that person because she

1356
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:27,400
Speaker 1: wants the universe to sort it out the way she wants, right.

1357
01:15:27,439 --> 01:15:29,080
Speaker 1: But I feel like if the universe is going to

1358
01:15:29,120 --> 01:15:32,479
Speaker 1: sort it out, it'll all come back around. And that's

1359
01:15:32,479 --> 01:15:36,880
Speaker 1: where faith true. We were earlier, you had talked about

1360
01:15:36,920 --> 01:15:39,360
Speaker 1: that you were in a relationship, and then six years

1361
01:15:39,439 --> 01:15:41,840
Speaker 1: later that ended up being your husband. For those people

1362
01:15:41,880 --> 01:15:45,200
Speaker 1: that continue to go back to an X or something

1363
01:15:45,240 --> 01:15:47,120
Speaker 1: like that, how do you know if it's the right

1364
01:15:47,160 --> 01:15:50,880
Speaker 1: thing versus the wrong thing? Well, I mean in that situation,

1365
01:15:51,040 --> 01:15:52,680
Speaker 1: I was the one who was messing it up right

1366
01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:56,000
Speaker 1: because in my scenario, there was always somebody who was unavailable,

1367
01:15:56,360 --> 01:15:58,080
Speaker 1: and most of the time it was them, But this

1368
01:15:58,120 --> 01:16:00,599
Speaker 1: time it happened to be me, So it was actually

1369
01:16:00,680 --> 01:16:03,360
Speaker 1: very trustworthy and solid, and I just created a lot

1370
01:16:03,360 --> 01:16:07,280
Speaker 1: of drama. Um, but I think that that's an excellent question.

1371
01:16:07,600 --> 01:16:13,439
Speaker 1: And um, you know, you have to really know what

1372
01:16:13,479 --> 01:16:15,759
Speaker 1: it is you're standing for having. Now we're in calling

1373
01:16:15,760 --> 01:16:18,960
Speaker 1: in the one right, like what what are you really creating?

1374
01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:22,080
Speaker 1: And what are you standing for having? If somebody is

1375
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:24,439
Speaker 1: telling you that they're different, that they're going to show

1376
01:16:24,479 --> 01:16:27,439
Speaker 1: up differently, you have to really get like you have

1377
01:16:27,479 --> 01:16:30,559
Speaker 1: to really ask them like what's different? What how do

1378
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:33,360
Speaker 1: you see this different? And why is this different for

1379
01:16:33,400 --> 01:16:35,479
Speaker 1: you now? And then you give it time to see

1380
01:16:35,600 --> 01:16:38,960
Speaker 1: if indeed it is different. I like second chances, but

1381
01:16:39,040 --> 01:16:41,599
Speaker 1: you have to go in with your eyes open and

1382
01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:44,639
Speaker 1: don't have it be a yes, you know, yes, let's

1383
01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:47,360
Speaker 1: be together again. It's more like a period of time

1384
01:16:47,560 --> 01:16:50,599
Speaker 1: so that you maybe date them and date other people.

1385
01:16:50,840 --> 01:16:54,920
Speaker 1: Maybe you're not into deep Maybe you're getting to see

1386
01:16:54,960 --> 01:16:58,320
Speaker 1: them over time to see what's different, and you you

1387
01:16:58,400 --> 01:17:02,960
Speaker 1: rebuild trust. If trust disbin breach and another question that

1388
01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:06,519
Speaker 1: keeps coming up as you're with somebody, it's not a

1389
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:10,040
Speaker 1: good situation, and then all of a sudden you threaten

1390
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:14,600
Speaker 1: to leave, or you actually do, and now they're begging

1391
01:17:14,720 --> 01:17:17,080
Speaker 1: for you back. They're saying, I'm gonna change, I'm gonna

1392
01:17:17,080 --> 01:17:18,439
Speaker 1: go to therapy, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna do

1393
01:17:18,439 --> 01:17:20,360
Speaker 1: anything just to be with you because I can't imagine

1394
01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,320
Speaker 1: my life without. They're telling you all the right things.

1395
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:26,000
Speaker 1: Yeah what what then? Yeah? I mean, look, we're all

1396
01:17:26,080 --> 01:17:28,880
Speaker 1: we're all believers in change. We wouldn't have this conversation

1397
01:17:28,920 --> 01:17:31,559
Speaker 1: if we didn't believe that we were capable of positive change.

1398
01:17:31,560 --> 01:17:35,439
Speaker 1: But I like to get very specific with people, and

1399
01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:39,880
Speaker 1: you know, the for me. It's always about how much

1400
01:17:39,960 --> 01:17:45,040
Speaker 1: personal responsibilities to someone take and not. And personal responsibility

1401
01:17:45,120 --> 01:17:47,360
Speaker 1: isn't like, well, I am the way that I am

1402
01:17:47,400 --> 01:17:50,760
Speaker 1: because my dad was like that with my mom and

1403
01:17:50,840 --> 01:17:52,920
Speaker 1: I can't help. But that's not person. That might be

1404
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:57,760
Speaker 1: some insight, but there's no personal responsibility. Personal responsibility might

1405
01:17:57,800 --> 01:18:01,080
Speaker 1: look like, yeah, I become a when I don't get

1406
01:18:01,120 --> 01:18:03,760
Speaker 1: what I want and it's been cruel and it's been

1407
01:18:03,840 --> 01:18:06,840
Speaker 1: unkind and I have no business treating anyone like that,

1408
01:18:06,880 --> 01:18:10,120
Speaker 1: and I promise you that I will no longer do

1409
01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:13,000
Speaker 1: that anymore, and I will actually I'm going to learn

1410
01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:16,280
Speaker 1: how to communicate my needs in a much more healthy way,

1411
01:18:16,320 --> 01:18:19,080
Speaker 1: and then there's action. So but in the times that

1412
01:18:19,160 --> 01:18:21,680
Speaker 1: somebody does say those things, or they don't say the

1413
01:18:21,760 --> 01:18:23,439
Speaker 1: right things, but they still are like, I want you back,

1414
01:18:23,439 --> 01:18:25,439
Speaker 1: I want you back, and then nine times out of

1415
01:18:25,520 --> 01:18:29,120
Speaker 1: ten they get you back, and then nothing really changes

1416
01:18:29,200 --> 01:18:32,280
Speaker 1: over time. What is the need in the person that's

1417
01:18:32,360 --> 01:18:34,320
Speaker 1: doing the begging to get you back? Is that just

1418
01:18:34,360 --> 01:18:37,559
Speaker 1: because loss or well that's what I'm talking about before

1419
01:18:37,680 --> 01:18:40,800
Speaker 1: that how we're hardwired to stay together. So so there's

1420
01:18:40,840 --> 01:18:43,800
Speaker 1: this even there's this thing in the brain that happens

1421
01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:48,639
Speaker 1: when we're rejected, where instead of like the sensible thing

1422
01:18:48,680 --> 01:18:51,639
Speaker 1: that the brain would kind of lessen investment in that person,

1423
01:18:52,200 --> 01:18:54,760
Speaker 1: what happens in the brains is that we're flooded with

1424
01:18:54,840 --> 01:18:57,800
Speaker 1: hormones that are similar to when we first fell in love.

1425
01:18:57,960 --> 01:19:03,160
Speaker 1: So it desire actually increases. So people do run after,

1426
01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:06,320
Speaker 1: people do hurl themselves at the person leaving, like that's

1427
01:19:06,360 --> 01:19:11,080
Speaker 1: just what the brain and the biology is making them do.

1428
01:19:11,960 --> 01:19:14,960
Speaker 1: So um, you know, when you're in that situation, when

1429
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:18,720
Speaker 1: you're leaving, you know, you have to take responsibility for

1430
01:19:18,760 --> 01:19:21,080
Speaker 1: who you were being in the relationship that had it

1431
01:19:21,160 --> 01:19:24,080
Speaker 1: not work and look at your part of it and

1432
01:19:24,120 --> 01:19:27,040
Speaker 1: then you know, bring the course correct. Like you know, well,

1433
01:19:27,120 --> 01:19:30,000
Speaker 1: I've I've been a doormat and somehow I've been sourcing

1434
01:19:30,000 --> 01:19:32,960
Speaker 1: my self esteem from giving. And the truth is is

1435
01:19:33,000 --> 01:19:34,960
Speaker 1: that I get my value and I don't need to

1436
01:19:35,000 --> 01:19:37,840
Speaker 1: source my self esteem from giving overgiving anymore. And I'm

1437
01:19:37,840 --> 01:19:41,960
Speaker 1: not going to overfunction and have you underfunction. So you know,

1438
01:19:42,120 --> 01:19:44,600
Speaker 1: if if you want to to get me back, you

1439
01:19:44,680 --> 01:19:47,679
Speaker 1: need to really unpack this. You know, your your self

1440
01:19:47,680 --> 01:19:51,840
Speaker 1: absorption or you know, and it's so it's both. People

1441
01:19:51,880 --> 01:19:54,400
Speaker 1: actually would need to change. It's not just the other person.

1442
01:19:55,200 --> 01:19:58,960
Speaker 1: I just with me when you said that. But even

1443
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:02,599
Speaker 1: though it's percent them, it's all about your three percent.

1444
01:20:02,960 --> 01:20:05,920
Speaker 1: And even if that three percent is just tolerating crap,

1445
01:20:06,520 --> 01:20:09,560
Speaker 1: stop tolerating craps. I mean, I can say this all

1446
01:20:09,600 --> 01:20:11,840
Speaker 1: in a year, you'll be back and I'll be dated

1447
01:20:11,920 --> 01:20:18,479
Speaker 1: a little unavailable. No, don't create that future. We're creating

1448
01:20:18,479 --> 01:20:22,080
Speaker 1: a new future, creating a new future for you, Amy.

1449
01:20:22,600 --> 01:20:26,840
Speaker 1: I love narcissus. Well, they are kind of fun. I mean,

1450
01:20:26,880 --> 01:20:31,080
Speaker 1: they are the life of the party, charming and handsome

1451
01:20:31,080 --> 01:20:34,280
Speaker 1: and sexy. And I think, I think when we when

1452
01:20:34,360 --> 01:20:37,800
Speaker 1: we really start to love ourselves in those places, in

1453
01:20:37,800 --> 01:20:41,240
Speaker 1: that three percent area, you you actually lose interest. Like

1454
01:20:41,240 --> 01:20:44,600
Speaker 1: people say to me, what's the healthy response to a narcissist,

1455
01:20:44,600 --> 01:20:50,000
Speaker 1: I say, disinterest. Oh my gosh. Well, leaving it on

1456
01:20:50,000 --> 01:20:52,920
Speaker 1: that positive note, thank you so much for coming and

1457
01:20:52,960 --> 01:20:57,120
Speaker 1: helping us today. Thank you so excited that My god,

1458
01:20:57,880 --> 01:21:01,599
Speaker 1: your epic this is you know, it's awesome. I just

1459
01:21:01,640 --> 01:21:04,439
Speaker 1: only had that book and started reading just the first

1460
01:21:04,720 --> 01:21:06,720
Speaker 1: part that tells your story, and I'm like, is this

1461
01:21:06,840 --> 01:21:11,920
Speaker 1: my biography? Well, we appreciate it. Thank you so much.

1462
01:21:12,160 --> 01:21:24,360
Speaker 1: You think you gotta give me a little backstory on

1463
01:21:24,520 --> 01:21:30,320
Speaker 1: your on my recent divorce. So I was married for

1464
01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:34,559
Speaker 1: almost uh seventeen I was married for seventeen years. What

1465
01:21:35,240 --> 01:21:37,920
Speaker 1: I thought You're going to say, seventeen months. Oh, no,

1466
01:21:38,560 --> 01:21:45,480
Speaker 1: seventeen years. I was very young, Um, and I continued

1467
01:21:45,600 --> 01:21:52,080
Speaker 1: to grow as a person, and UM, he sort of

1468
01:21:52,280 --> 01:21:56,519
Speaker 1: just stayed, you know, into he was still the twenty

1469
01:21:56,600 --> 01:22:01,400
Speaker 1: five year old, right, and I had own So I

1470
01:22:01,439 --> 01:22:05,959
Speaker 1: had known for a long time, and there were issues

1471
01:22:06,080 --> 01:22:11,200
Speaker 1: that we had through throughout the years. Um, and we

1472
01:22:11,400 --> 01:22:14,639
Speaker 1: never we were really connected for a couple of years.

1473
01:22:15,600 --> 01:22:20,560
Speaker 1: But after that, I just I kept growing. When you

1474
01:22:20,640 --> 01:22:23,080
Speaker 1: got when you started feeling that you were disconnecting with

1475
01:22:23,200 --> 01:22:25,160
Speaker 1: you guys continuing to work on it or you're just

1476
01:22:25,200 --> 01:22:28,360
Speaker 1: like out of sight, out of mind. So it's so

1477
01:22:28,439 --> 01:22:33,960
Speaker 1: crazy because I'm also a psychologist, So I used every

1478
01:22:34,200 --> 01:22:39,519
Speaker 1: tool I had in my toolbox over the years to

1479
01:22:39,600 --> 01:22:44,160
Speaker 1: try and help make him grow. I couldn't. I couldn't,

1480
01:22:44,160 --> 01:22:48,640
Speaker 1: you can't, you can't. He didn't want to. He was comfortable,

1481
01:22:48,760 --> 01:22:51,240
Speaker 1: and probably the more that you wanted him to, the

1482
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:55,400
Speaker 1: more he dug his heels in. And it was just

1483
01:22:55,840 --> 01:23:01,200
Speaker 1: we just what I realized was that we were just

1484
01:23:01,280 --> 01:23:07,040
Speaker 1: fundamentally different people, how we walk through life, how we

1485
01:23:07,160 --> 01:23:14,360
Speaker 1: treated people, um our, philosophies, everything. There was the one

1486
01:23:14,439 --> 01:23:19,960
Speaker 1: time that I decided this was probably about fourteen years ago.

1487
01:23:20,080 --> 01:23:23,519
Speaker 1: I was working for a major daytime talk show and

1488
01:23:23,560 --> 01:23:26,400
Speaker 1: I had clocked in a hundred and eighteen hours that week.

1489
01:23:27,560 --> 01:23:31,679
Speaker 1: I had taken one shower. I hadn't I had been

1490
01:23:31,720 --> 01:23:36,280
Speaker 1: home for maybe three hours. I survived on diet, coking cigarettes.

1491
01:23:36,439 --> 01:23:38,960
Speaker 1: I lost twelve pounds that week. Best at on the planet.

1492
01:23:40,400 --> 01:23:46,040
Speaker 1: I got home that Friday, and uh, the first thing

1493
01:23:46,080 --> 01:23:48,400
Speaker 1: he said to me was, you know, if you don't

1494
01:23:48,400 --> 01:23:52,720
Speaker 1: make yourself more available to me, then I'm going to

1495
01:23:52,800 --> 01:23:56,879
Speaker 1: have to go outside of the marriage to you satisfy myself.

1496
01:23:58,080 --> 01:24:04,120
Speaker 1: And I was so tired that it was just like okay,

1497
01:24:04,880 --> 01:24:07,760
Speaker 1: And I went upstairs and went to sleep because I

1498
01:24:07,840 --> 01:24:11,240
Speaker 1: just I had nothing left. I was like, I hadn't

1499
01:24:11,280 --> 01:24:15,400
Speaker 1: eaten in seven days. I you know, I was filled

1500
01:24:15,439 --> 01:24:19,599
Speaker 1: with diet, coke and nicotine, and I had no sleep.

1501
01:24:20,280 --> 01:24:24,000
Speaker 1: And I was just like, all right, do it. I

1502
01:24:24,040 --> 01:24:25,840
Speaker 1: mean I didn't say do it, but I was just

1503
01:24:25,880 --> 01:24:28,439
Speaker 1: sort of like, I don't have time for this right now.

1504
01:24:28,439 --> 01:24:32,280
Speaker 1: If that's what you like is that what he did? Yeah,

1505
01:24:32,880 --> 01:24:37,160
Speaker 1: you know, I think, I think so I can. Also,

1506
01:24:37,360 --> 01:24:41,559
Speaker 1: that's when I knew. I knew, but I could not

1507
01:24:41,760 --> 01:24:44,120
Speaker 1: find my voice. I'm going to up. I mean, I'm

1508
01:24:44,160 --> 01:24:48,800
Speaker 1: going to admit a lot of stuff that at one

1509
01:24:48,840 --> 01:24:53,439
Speaker 1: point made me feel weak, but now it makes me

1510
01:24:53,520 --> 01:24:58,880
Speaker 1: feel really strong. So, um, you know, I can fast.

1511
01:24:59,600 --> 01:25:05,040
Speaker 1: I did not look at a bank account in seventeen years. Wow,

1512
01:25:05,760 --> 01:25:09,240
Speaker 1: I didn't even know the passwords. And you were the thing.

1513
01:25:09,920 --> 01:25:12,200
Speaker 1: You were the one bringing home the money he was

1514
01:25:12,280 --> 01:25:15,000
Speaker 1: bringing home. He worked in the medical field, so he

1515
01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:21,960
Speaker 1: was doing really well, but never never knew anything. So

1516
01:25:23,080 --> 01:25:29,040
Speaker 1: that was part of my fear of you know, like

1517
01:25:29,080 --> 01:25:31,720
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to like, oh my god, I

1518
01:25:31,760 --> 01:25:34,240
Speaker 1: don't even know how to how to do this. So

1519
01:25:34,280 --> 01:25:36,479
Speaker 1: it took me a long time to find my voice.

1520
01:25:37,040 --> 01:25:39,479
Speaker 1: And it's probably confusing since I have a seven year

1521
01:25:39,479 --> 01:25:43,080
Speaker 1: old with him, right, But I kept working at it

1522
01:25:43,200 --> 01:25:46,920
Speaker 1: because I kept thinking, I have to make this work.

1523
01:25:47,560 --> 01:25:49,920
Speaker 1: My mom and dad are divorced. There must be a

1524
01:25:49,960 --> 01:25:54,719
Speaker 1: way to make this work. I'm just going to continue, continue, continue.

1525
01:25:55,320 --> 01:25:59,240
Speaker 1: Every day is a new day, just you know. Um.

1526
01:25:59,280 --> 01:26:04,439
Speaker 1: And then about two years before I was pregnant, I

1527
01:26:04,520 --> 01:26:06,400
Speaker 1: was standing. We had just gotten home from a party,

1528
01:26:06,520 --> 01:26:09,679
Speaker 1: and I'm not the kind of person who snooped through phones,

1529
01:26:10,320 --> 01:26:13,160
Speaker 1: like I just don't do that. But his phone was

1530
01:26:13,240 --> 01:26:16,559
Speaker 1: charging on the counter and a text came in from

1531
01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:19,720
Speaker 1: one of the nurses that he worked with, and it said, Oh,

1532
01:26:19,800 --> 01:26:28,240
Speaker 1: don't worry, I'm not pregnant. And I was like, oh, okay.

1533
01:26:28,439 --> 01:26:31,679
Speaker 1: I was so disconnected though. It didn't even you didn't

1534
01:26:31,680 --> 01:26:36,400
Speaker 1: even cry in that moment, so I didn't say anything.

1535
01:26:37,200 --> 01:26:40,639
Speaker 1: You didn't know. And I stayed up all night going Okay,

1536
01:26:40,680 --> 01:26:43,120
Speaker 1: how do I get out of it? How do I

1537
01:26:43,160 --> 01:26:49,320
Speaker 1: just say leave, go go away? And I was still scared.

1538
01:26:49,640 --> 01:26:53,559
Speaker 1: I couldn't find my voice. So I just kept working

1539
01:26:53,640 --> 01:26:56,960
Speaker 1: and working and working and getting up every day and

1540
01:26:57,000 --> 01:26:59,839
Speaker 1: going out with friends. And we didn't really do anything

1541
01:26:59,840 --> 01:27:01,120
Speaker 1: to got there. I was going to say, were you

1542
01:27:01,160 --> 01:27:02,760
Speaker 1: at this point where you guys still going on dates,

1543
01:27:02,760 --> 01:27:05,320
Speaker 1: where you're still looking having sex, where you still like, no,

1544
01:27:06,160 --> 01:27:11,240
Speaker 1: m hm, you were roommates, right? So then cut two?

1545
01:27:13,040 --> 01:27:15,400
Speaker 1: I mean, it was it was so crazy by then.

1546
01:27:15,560 --> 01:27:20,559
Speaker 1: Now I'm what seven or eight, and we're at this

1547
01:27:20,960 --> 01:27:26,760
Speaker 1: huge party in mon Olympus pool party where there's a

1548
01:27:26,840 --> 01:27:31,160
Speaker 1: tiger and it was insane tiger in a cage pool party.

1549
01:27:31,240 --> 01:27:36,680
Speaker 1: It was crazy. Everybody drank way too much taila. We

1550
01:27:36,760 --> 01:27:42,479
Speaker 1: end up going home. I am up pregnant two weeks later. Wow,

1551
01:27:43,479 --> 01:27:46,559
Speaker 1: which is a gift, by the way, because my son

1552
01:27:46,840 --> 01:27:50,840
Speaker 1: is like my heart. Then I was just focused on

1553
01:27:50,920 --> 01:27:54,479
Speaker 1: that right, just focused on him having him. We get

1554
01:27:54,560 --> 01:28:00,760
Speaker 1: him home in my acts, did nothing to take care

1555
01:28:00,760 --> 01:28:05,799
Speaker 1: of him. Never, you know, never woke up once. Never.

1556
01:28:06,400 --> 01:28:10,120
Speaker 1: He even took three weeks fraternity leave, did nothing. I

1557
01:28:10,280 --> 01:28:13,360
Speaker 1: wasn't there to support you, wasn't there to support your son. Nothing. No.

1558
01:28:13,520 --> 01:28:16,360
Speaker 1: At one time I had had to C section and

1559
01:28:16,400 --> 01:28:18,040
Speaker 1: it was like we were home for three days and

1560
01:28:18,040 --> 01:28:20,720
Speaker 1: he was like I really need a job, and it

1561
01:28:20,800 --> 01:28:24,120
Speaker 1: was like you should really go get one. It was

1562
01:28:24,200 --> 01:28:28,160
Speaker 1: like because I have staples all the way across my stomach,

1563
01:28:28,720 --> 01:28:35,880
Speaker 1: like go away. Um. But you know, so it went

1564
01:28:36,000 --> 01:28:42,320
Speaker 1: on for three years that he did nothing, nothing, and

1565
01:28:42,360 --> 01:28:44,240
Speaker 1: I was working. I went back to work when he

1566
01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:48,000
Speaker 1: was five months old and had so you had somebody

1567
01:28:48,080 --> 01:28:50,519
Speaker 1: come in full time to help because nanny during the day,

1568
01:28:50,920 --> 01:28:53,320
Speaker 1: but she left by four and then it was me

1569
01:28:53,520 --> 01:28:59,840
Speaker 1: all night and um. Even on the weekends. He may

1570
01:29:00,000 --> 01:29:03,519
Speaker 1: have taken him to the Park three times in three years.

1571
01:29:04,760 --> 01:29:06,479
Speaker 1: He I do have to say he is a way

1572
01:29:06,520 --> 01:29:11,519
Speaker 1: better dad now because he has to be. So my

1573
01:29:11,600 --> 01:29:15,080
Speaker 1: son was about three and I was suffocating, like I

1574
01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:18,639
Speaker 1: was just like I was like, if I don't get

1575
01:29:18,640 --> 01:29:23,519
Speaker 1: out of here, I'm going to die. Oh. I was

1576
01:29:23,640 --> 01:29:28,400
Speaker 1: just I mean, I was dying, like I just couldn't breathe.

1577
01:29:29,040 --> 01:29:32,439
Speaker 1: I couldn't even stand. It got to the point that

1578
01:29:32,880 --> 01:29:37,519
Speaker 1: I couldn't even stand to hear his footprints. It was

1579
01:29:38,280 --> 01:29:40,840
Speaker 1: like it would just send me into I wouldn't say anything,

1580
01:29:40,840 --> 01:29:44,599
Speaker 1: but I would. I just had so much anxiety, like

1581
01:29:44,680 --> 01:29:48,000
Speaker 1: almost making a sec Yeah. I would feel physically ill.

1582
01:29:48,920 --> 01:29:52,360
Speaker 1: And one of my friends. I only told one person,

1583
01:29:53,840 --> 01:29:56,280
Speaker 1: and this friend kept saying, I just have to keep

1584
01:29:56,280 --> 01:29:58,920
Speaker 1: practicing with you, like you need to say, hey, can

1585
01:29:58,960 --> 01:30:04,840
Speaker 1: you pass the sugar? I want to divorce, And I

1586
01:30:05,040 --> 01:30:09,960
Speaker 1: was like I I can't, Like I can't. It was

1587
01:30:09,960 --> 01:30:13,240
Speaker 1: always something it was like, oh no, it's his birthday.

1588
01:30:13,280 --> 01:30:17,320
Speaker 1: Oh no, it's our anniversary. Oh no, it's Thanksgiving. Oh no,

1589
01:30:17,400 --> 01:30:20,680
Speaker 1: it's Christmas. Now, it's New Year's now, it's Valentine's. I

1590
01:30:20,720 --> 01:30:23,799
Speaker 1: mean it was always Now my sister is getting married,

1591
01:30:23,840 --> 01:30:26,040
Speaker 1: so I don't want to steal the thunder, you know,

1592
01:30:26,720 --> 01:30:30,280
Speaker 1: I mean it was always something. So finally, it's like

1593
01:30:30,280 --> 01:30:34,680
Speaker 1: a week after Valentine's Rocco was about three and a

1594
01:30:34,760 --> 01:30:38,559
Speaker 1: half and I just I couldn't take it one more second.

1595
01:30:40,160 --> 01:30:43,599
Speaker 1: And I think it was a work night too. I

1596
01:30:43,680 --> 01:30:49,559
Speaker 1: just said, I was like, so, uh, I'm totally done.

1597
01:30:50,560 --> 01:30:57,000
Speaker 1: I'm out and we can go to therapy. I'm happy

1598
01:30:57,080 --> 01:31:02,599
Speaker 1: to I had already called a psychologist and I had

1599
01:31:02,640 --> 01:31:05,760
Speaker 1: told her what was going on over the phone, and

1600
01:31:05,760 --> 01:31:08,160
Speaker 1: I was like, therapist, a therapist, you know, I've you know,

1601
01:31:08,360 --> 01:31:10,840
Speaker 1: I was telling her the story and I would and

1602
01:31:10,840 --> 01:31:12,720
Speaker 1: I said, I would like for us to come in

1603
01:31:14,040 --> 01:31:18,559
Speaker 1: and so, you know, we can talk to you. He

1604
01:31:18,600 --> 01:31:21,120
Speaker 1: agreed to do that. By the end of that session,

1605
01:31:22,520 --> 01:31:26,280
Speaker 1: she looked at him and she said, you you guys

1606
01:31:26,320 --> 01:31:31,800
Speaker 1: are on such different planes. You know, it's um that

1607
01:31:32,120 --> 01:31:36,280
Speaker 1: you have to go see somebody for a while, and

1608
01:31:36,880 --> 01:31:39,559
Speaker 1: you know, and I'll continue to work with Jen, but

1609
01:31:39,680 --> 01:31:43,200
Speaker 1: she's done a lot of her work over the years.

1610
01:31:44,760 --> 01:31:46,360
Speaker 1: And so I was like, all right, here we go

1611
01:31:46,479 --> 01:31:50,280
Speaker 1: the waiting game, and then we um. So he kept going,

1612
01:31:50,400 --> 01:31:52,920
Speaker 1: kept going, kept going, and then why are you going?

1613
01:31:53,880 --> 01:31:57,680
Speaker 1: He was going, But then about two months into it.

1614
01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:00,400
Speaker 1: I mean, I had made up my mind. I was out.

1615
01:32:01,120 --> 01:32:03,040
Speaker 1: Two months into it. He comes home and he says,

1616
01:32:03,080 --> 01:32:06,559
Speaker 1: you know, you need to come to therapy with me

1617
01:32:06,640 --> 01:32:10,240
Speaker 1: next time because I can't figure it out and you

1618
01:32:10,280 --> 01:32:15,880
Speaker 1: need to figure it out for me. And I was like, no,

1619
01:32:16,120 --> 01:32:19,160
Speaker 1: I'm not doing your work for you. I said, this

1620
01:32:19,240 --> 01:32:23,040
Speaker 1: is why it won't work, this is why we can't

1621
01:32:24,479 --> 01:32:28,120
Speaker 1: like I can't. I didn't want my you know, I

1622
01:32:28,160 --> 01:32:30,200
Speaker 1: told him I don't want my son growing up thinking

1623
01:32:30,400 --> 01:32:34,880
Speaker 1: that this is the way a relationship is. No communication,

1624
01:32:36,840 --> 01:32:41,320
Speaker 1: you know, nobody you know, loving or talking or going

1625
01:32:41,360 --> 01:32:45,240
Speaker 1: out to eat and having conversation. Um, it was just

1626
01:32:45,760 --> 01:32:48,320
Speaker 1: I just didn't want it. Why do you think he

1627
01:32:48,360 --> 01:32:55,960
Speaker 1: didn't leave? Because so complacent and I was easy. You

1628
01:32:56,080 --> 01:32:59,320
Speaker 1: never he would say, I want to go to Vegas

1629
01:32:59,400 --> 01:33:04,519
Speaker 1: with all the guys, All right, go? And did you

1630
01:33:04,560 --> 01:33:06,320
Speaker 1: say that because you didn't want to put up a fighter?

1631
01:33:06,400 --> 01:33:10,200
Speaker 1: You just didn't care. I just didn't care. So then

1632
01:33:10,320 --> 01:33:12,800
Speaker 1: that was it. You know. We went to the therapy.

1633
01:33:13,400 --> 01:33:20,280
Speaker 1: It wasn't working, and he left for ten months and

1634
01:33:20,320 --> 01:33:25,439
Speaker 1: went to a different state and came back twice, and

1635
01:33:25,479 --> 01:33:28,759
Speaker 1: then he moved back here. And while we were going

1636
01:33:28,800 --> 01:33:32,680
Speaker 1: through all of the legal we went to a mediator

1637
01:33:34,640 --> 01:33:43,200
Speaker 1: and the deal was, he pays nothing at all. I

1638
01:33:43,280 --> 01:33:46,719
Speaker 1: do everything, so he pays no child's part. He pays nothing,

1639
01:33:47,120 --> 01:33:51,760
Speaker 1: doesn't even buy he buys nothing for him. I buy

1640
01:33:51,840 --> 01:33:56,840
Speaker 1: him out of the house. And he agreed to all that.

1641
01:33:58,560 --> 01:34:02,519
Speaker 1: And then at the very end he said, he looked

1642
01:34:02,560 --> 01:34:06,000
Speaker 1: at the mediator and he said, I want my last

1643
01:34:06,080 --> 01:34:11,160
Speaker 1: name back. I think you've been like dying to keep it.

1644
01:34:12,920 --> 01:34:17,559
Speaker 1: Oh well, you're entire, but your entire entire entertainment career.

1645
01:34:18,000 --> 01:34:20,320
Speaker 1: I didn't even think about that portion of it because

1646
01:34:20,360 --> 01:34:25,200
Speaker 1: normally that it doesn't play into it. He just wanted

1647
01:34:25,240 --> 01:34:28,360
Speaker 1: to stick it to you every single way he could. Yes,

1648
01:34:29,160 --> 01:34:33,920
Speaker 1: So we have so many mutual friends from a different state,

1649
01:34:35,320 --> 01:34:42,400
Speaker 1: and he has completely poisoned a lot of them because

1650
01:34:42,600 --> 01:34:46,720
Speaker 1: he tells them, oh my gosh, I pay for all

1651
01:34:46,760 --> 01:34:51,439
Speaker 1: the camps. I pay her child's part. She doesn't let

1652
01:34:51,439 --> 01:34:54,720
Speaker 1: me see him. You know. He takes them every Wednesday,

1653
01:34:54,760 --> 01:35:00,320
Speaker 1: every other weekend, um, whenever he wants. Really, but he

1654
01:35:00,400 --> 01:35:05,120
Speaker 1: doesn't ask for any more than that. But he he

1655
01:35:05,320 --> 01:35:11,360
Speaker 1: got off like Scott free nothing. So I do everything,

1656
01:35:12,600 --> 01:35:16,720
Speaker 1: even if he's going to be late on one of

1657
01:35:16,760 --> 01:35:19,600
Speaker 1: the nights that he has him, I still have to

1658
01:35:19,600 --> 01:35:23,479
Speaker 1: pay the nanny, right. Well, I mean this goes back

1659
01:35:23,520 --> 01:35:25,519
Speaker 1: to even what we were talking about last week when

1660
01:35:25,560 --> 01:35:29,840
Speaker 1: it comes to narcissism and when you are married to

1661
01:35:29,880 --> 01:35:33,519
Speaker 1: a narcissist and you have children with one, it's really

1662
01:35:33,560 --> 01:35:37,400
Speaker 1: just parenting with an elephant on your back. Absolutely, that's

1663
01:35:37,400 --> 01:35:42,080
Speaker 1: that's what she said. That's exactly my experience. And he

1664
01:35:42,240 --> 01:35:46,320
Speaker 1: is a narcissist. I mean, everything you're describing to me,

1665
01:35:46,360 --> 01:35:48,640
Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, I mean, but now I need to

1666
01:35:48,680 --> 01:35:50,599
Speaker 1: know is it his last name or your last name

1667
01:35:50,600 --> 01:35:53,680
Speaker 1: that you currently have? It's his? You got that, you

1668
01:35:53,760 --> 01:35:56,880
Speaker 1: got it, got it. That's one thing I thought, we

1669
01:35:57,000 --> 01:36:02,360
Speaker 1: still got a chance. I got the last name. I

1670
01:36:02,479 --> 01:36:05,479
Speaker 1: was like, I just need to know. And so now

1671
01:36:05,479 --> 01:36:09,960
Speaker 1: I'm dating. And how long ago was the divorce? We

1672
01:36:11,400 --> 01:36:17,200
Speaker 1: separated almost four years ago and the divorce was final

1673
01:36:18,000 --> 01:36:23,719
Speaker 1: a year ago. It took a long time. And even

1674
01:36:23,760 --> 01:36:26,040
Speaker 1: still talking about I can see that, like it's still

1675
01:36:26,080 --> 01:36:30,320
Speaker 1: hard to talk about it is. But I have to say,

1676
01:36:30,520 --> 01:36:35,080
Speaker 1: the second he walked out the tour, oh my god,

1677
01:36:35,160 --> 01:36:41,040
Speaker 1: I felt free everything. I was a totally different person

1678
01:36:41,320 --> 01:36:45,080
Speaker 1: I was. I was back to being me. Yeah, so

1679
01:36:45,160 --> 01:36:47,960
Speaker 1: many years of just doing what you felt like you

1680
01:36:48,000 --> 01:36:51,880
Speaker 1: had to do because I felt so trapped. So not

1681
01:36:52,000 --> 01:36:54,560
Speaker 1: only that, but I had to learn how to do everything.

1682
01:36:54,840 --> 01:36:56,760
Speaker 1: I had to log into the bank account. So do

1683
01:36:56,800 --> 01:36:59,479
Speaker 1: you think because you've been through so much pain during

1684
01:36:59,520 --> 01:37:03,000
Speaker 1: the relation and ship that the breakup was less painful?

1685
01:37:03,160 --> 01:37:07,880
Speaker 1: It wasn't painful at all because you were done. I

1686
01:37:07,960 --> 01:37:11,120
Speaker 1: was so done that as soon as I got the

1687
01:37:11,160 --> 01:37:15,600
Speaker 1: words out, I mean I had already grieved at all.

1688
01:37:16,120 --> 01:37:19,679
Speaker 1: I really had. You've been grieving for seventeen years. Yeah,

1689
01:37:20,240 --> 01:37:23,120
Speaker 1: it was a long breakup. It took you that long

1690
01:37:23,200 --> 01:37:26,800
Speaker 1: to get there. But that's a long time. Pass the

1691
01:37:26,840 --> 01:37:30,679
Speaker 1: sugar I wanted to lure. It seems like a good play.

1692
01:37:30,880 --> 01:37:35,840
Speaker 1: I need to meet that friend. Well, not bad, I know.

1693
01:37:36,000 --> 01:37:38,080
Speaker 1: And we learned today you have to know your worth

1694
01:37:38,439 --> 01:37:40,320
Speaker 1: and not be afraid to set at the table and

1695
01:37:40,360 --> 01:37:43,160
Speaker 1: eat dinner alone. And I've googled like how to get

1696
01:37:43,200 --> 01:37:46,920
Speaker 1: over a breakup like maybe like two times, and I

1697
01:37:47,040 --> 01:37:52,040
Speaker 1: just am so sick of like love yourself. But we

1698
01:37:52,160 --> 01:37:55,519
Speaker 1: learned like steps that you can take. Right. She had

1699
01:37:55,560 --> 01:37:58,759
Speaker 1: some good stuff also that it's like a drug withdrawal,

1700
01:37:58,880 --> 01:38:00,360
Speaker 1: So it's like you got to give it a minute.

1701
01:38:00,400 --> 01:38:03,280
Speaker 1: You have to remember that that feeling isn't that you

1702
01:38:03,320 --> 01:38:05,560
Speaker 1: need to be back with that person. That feeling is

1703
01:38:05,600 --> 01:38:08,639
Speaker 1: actually you're going through withdrawal, right, And when you think

1704
01:38:08,680 --> 01:38:12,000
Speaker 1: about it like that, it's like it is, isn't it

1705
01:38:12,920 --> 01:38:23,559
Speaker 1: so sorry telling me it's time to bring up I

1706
01:38:23,560 --> 01:38:27,639
Speaker 1: liked it. I still can't believe the conscious unkind here.

1707
01:38:27,720 --> 01:38:29,920
Speaker 1: And we didn't know that. We didn't even know when

1708
01:38:30,000 --> 01:38:31,599
Speaker 1: she said it. And I was about to be like,

1709
01:38:32,880 --> 01:38:35,120
Speaker 1: you know, saying a teddy type comment. I was like,

1710
01:38:35,520 --> 01:38:38,599
Speaker 1: a good thing. I didn't. Sometimes you listen to your

1711
01:38:38,640 --> 01:38:43,479
Speaker 1: guts her she still believed a marriage because I wanted

1712
01:38:43,520 --> 01:38:48,080
Speaker 1: to ask her so badly. It's Gwyneth and the new

1713
01:38:48,160 --> 01:38:52,280
Speaker 1: husband have moved into a house yet, because they did. Yeah, okay,

1714
01:38:52,320 --> 01:38:54,280
Speaker 1: I don't know how I missed that. I think because

1715
01:38:54,280 --> 01:38:56,920
Speaker 1: I'm so stuck on them living in separate houses for

1716
01:38:56,960 --> 01:39:00,960
Speaker 1: a year that they lived together. Now. God, I respect Gwynneth.

1717
01:39:01,080 --> 01:39:04,080
Speaker 1: I love every weird thing she does so much, like

1718
01:39:04,120 --> 01:39:05,840
Speaker 1: the fact that she's just like, I don't care, I'm

1719
01:39:05,880 --> 01:39:10,320
Speaker 1: gonna live in two separate houses. I think that could work.

1720
01:39:10,920 --> 01:39:13,720
Speaker 1: Apparently work, but apparent in the end, they ended up

1721
01:39:13,760 --> 01:39:16,320
Speaker 1: moving in together. They wanted to give the kids sometimes

1722
01:39:16,360 --> 01:39:18,400
Speaker 1: and I'm not making this up. I saw a given interview.

1723
01:39:18,479 --> 01:39:21,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, are you and are you and Gwyneth close? Um?

1724
01:39:21,479 --> 01:39:23,400
Speaker 1: I wish if I could be best friends with her,

1725
01:39:23,479 --> 01:39:25,560
Speaker 1: I'd be stoked. I want to be best friends with

1726
01:39:25,600 --> 01:39:29,479
Speaker 1: Gwyneth Paldrow. Can't get me on goop Her Garner. I

1727
01:39:29,520 --> 01:39:35,040
Speaker 1: think that chick is awesome to want is um and

1728
01:39:35,080 --> 01:39:39,240
Speaker 1: Drew Barrymore's one, I think I think they could be

1729
01:39:39,320 --> 01:39:43,800
Speaker 1: buffs and then I'd worship my Oprah. But whatever. Um.

1730
01:39:43,840 --> 01:39:47,439
Speaker 1: People should email us Teddy, because next week we're going

1731
01:39:47,479 --> 01:39:52,920
Speaker 1: to talk about infertility, getting pregnant later in life, getting

1732
01:39:52,920 --> 01:39:56,439
Speaker 1: pregnant on your own, like sperm donor um, all kinds

1733
01:39:56,439 --> 01:39:59,800
Speaker 1: of carriages, not having kids at all, like all the

1734
01:40:00,000 --> 01:40:04,400
Speaker 1: topics that surround women, and and honestly spent so many

1735
01:40:04,520 --> 01:40:09,200
Speaker 1: years of my life struggling with and I can't imagine

1736
01:40:09,600 --> 01:40:12,760
Speaker 1: talking not talking about this topic because so many of

1737
01:40:12,840 --> 01:40:16,400
Speaker 1: us struggle alone with it. That please, any questions you have,

1738
01:40:16,720 --> 01:40:18,920
Speaker 1: I am going to be an open book. I'm also

1739
01:40:18,920 --> 01:40:21,480
Speaker 1: going to bring in professionals that can help us understand

1740
01:40:22,120 --> 01:40:24,800
Speaker 1: and also help us get through it. Email us at

1741
01:40:24,800 --> 01:40:26,880
Speaker 1: Teddy t at I heeart radio dot com, or hit

1742
01:40:26,880 --> 01:40:29,800
Speaker 1: Teddy up on our Instagram. Thank you, I don't Thanks

1743
01:40:29,840 --> 01:40:33,160
Speaker 1: for listening. Subscribe a C. T. Pot on Heart Radio

1744
01:40:33,520 --> 01:40:35,360
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcasts.