1
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,840
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

2
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,480
Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

3
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,880
Speaker 1: and if you are new and unfamiliar with what couch

4
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,440
Speaker 1: Talks is, it is the special bonus episode that comes

5
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:28,080
Speaker 1: out every single Wednesday of You Need Therapy where I

6
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,240
Speaker 1: answer questions that you guys send to me and you

7
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,520
Speaker 1: can send those to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast

8
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,199
Speaker 1: dot com. We usually answer one question a week and

9
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,240
Speaker 1: we always keep it anonymous. So that's what we're gonna

10
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,959
Speaker 1: do today. And I think it's one of those days

11
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,680
Speaker 1: where we're just going to get right into the question.

12
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,080
Speaker 1: So here is the email. Hey, Kat, I have a

13
00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:51,280
Speaker 1: question about friendship. It's a kind of long story, but

14
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,080
Speaker 1: I feel like you need the information to answer the question.

15
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,560
Speaker 1: I have been friends with X since fifth grade. We

16
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,440
Speaker 1: are now thirty nine. Her sister Why, and I have

17
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,640
Speaker 1: been close for the last ten to fifteen years too.

18
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,840
Speaker 1: There has been no issue with X, as she was

19
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,800
Speaker 1: also very close with Why. We often do things all together.

20
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,880
Speaker 1: Why is Mary to z Z is an okay guy,

21
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,920
Speaker 1: but he does some things that I don't always agree with.

22
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,600
Speaker 1: Their relationship started to get sour last fall and things

23
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,080
Speaker 1: really came to a head the end of this winter.

24
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,880
Speaker 1: There is a lot of alcohol involved, and a lot

25
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:28,880
Speaker 1: of fighting and swearing. X babysat Y and Z's kids

26
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,560
Speaker 1: and learned that the fighting was happening in front of

27
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,240
Speaker 1: them at least this one time. So X called the

28
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,680
Speaker 1: Department of Children and Family. There's a whole investigation going

29
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,000
Speaker 1: on now. I have told them both that I will

30
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,760
Speaker 1: not be choosing sides, but I also will not be

31
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:48,240
Speaker 1: talking to one about the other. Call me Switzerland. Anyways.

32
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:52,440
Speaker 1: Why asked me to write a character statement for DCF

33
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,920
Speaker 1: so that this whole thing could be resolved. I did,

34
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,480
Speaker 1: But now I'm wondering if X is going to be

35
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,440
Speaker 1: upset with me. In my whole heart, I believe that

36
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,960
Speaker 1: Why is a fantastic mom. There's not an ounce of

37
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,760
Speaker 1: me that thinks that she'd ever hurt her babies or

38
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,440
Speaker 1: she should be separated from them. But X has been

39
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,480
Speaker 1: by my side for twenty eight years. My question to

40
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,720
Speaker 1: you is should I come out in front of this

41
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,960
Speaker 1: and tell X that I wrote the statement or should

42
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,880
Speaker 1: I wait and see if she brings it up? Will

43
00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:23,760
Speaker 1: she ever find out? All? Right? So this is very tough.

44
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,680
Speaker 1: It sounds like you are stuck in the middle of

45
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,040
Speaker 1: one doing what you think is right and two doing

46
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,280
Speaker 1: what a friend thinks is right or just people pleasing.

47
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,200
Speaker 1: And I think it's a great quality to not want

48
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,640
Speaker 1: to make anybody upset, and I think it's pretty normal

49
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,040
Speaker 1: to not want anybody to be upset with you. And

50
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,320
Speaker 1: it's a pretty problematic idea to think that we can

51
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:55,160
Speaker 1: go through life without that happening, now, which I'm sure

52
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 1: you have assumed I would say this, but I can't

53
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,000
Speaker 1: tell you what to do, and actually can't tell you

54
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,640
Speaker 1: if I think she would find out. There's definitely a

55
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,080
Speaker 1: possibility that she can find out from multiple different ways.

56
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,799
Speaker 1: But is that really the biggest issue. I'm not sure

57
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,000
Speaker 1: if that really is the biggest issue. I'm more curious

58
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,200
Speaker 1: about what it's like to be stuck between, for you,

59
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,120
Speaker 1: doing what is right and pleasing somebody else. We can

60
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:27,280
Speaker 1: support people and be their friend without agreeing with them.

61
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,880
Speaker 1: And it sounds like, to some extent you don't agree

62
00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,560
Speaker 1: with what your friend did. It can be true that

63
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,680
Speaker 1: your friend did what she thinks is right and you

64
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,080
Speaker 1: did what you think is right. There might not be

65
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,200
Speaker 1: a universal right in this scenario, and that's one thing

66
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:47,280
Speaker 1: that's pretty important to take into consideration when this kind

67
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,760
Speaker 1: of stuff happens. This continues to be one of the

68
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:55,120
Speaker 1: hardest things for humans to grasp and I struggle with

69
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,960
Speaker 1: it a lot of times too, that there's not always

70
00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,920
Speaker 1: a right thing to do and a wrong thing to do.

71
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,440
Speaker 1: There's so many different pieces of information and experiences and

72
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,320
Speaker 1: lenses that we look through that change our perception of that.

73
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,160
Speaker 1: And so for us to say that there's one right

74
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:15,440
Speaker 1: answer and one wrong answer in some instances, sure that

75
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,839
Speaker 1: can happen, but most things in life, there's no black

76
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,480
Speaker 1: and white. You wrote a letter of character for your friend,

77
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,400
Speaker 1: who you believe is a good mom. Doesn't sound like

78
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,520
Speaker 1: you lied about anything on this. And also, I don't

79
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,159
Speaker 1: know that you writing a letter of character is going

80
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:35,120
Speaker 1: to totally dissolve the situation. You don't have that kind

81
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,279
Speaker 1: of power and control. You are just telling the truth.

82
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,320
Speaker 1: You're being a truth teller, which is interesting because of

83
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,040
Speaker 1: the episode that came out on Monday. If you haven't

84
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,360
Speaker 1: listened to that one, I really suggest that you do.

85
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,240
Speaker 1: If you have, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

86
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,440
Speaker 1: But I think it's pretty fair for you to be

87
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,520
Speaker 1: able to tell your truth in this scenario, and if

88
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,080
Speaker 1: you wanted to talk to your friend, I think it

89
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,120
Speaker 1: would be pretty fair to share, like, Hey, I know

90
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,200
Speaker 1: you were concerned about your sister's kids, and I respect that,

91
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,680
Speaker 1: and I totally respect and believe that you did what

92
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,600
Speaker 1: you felt was right to you. I also know your

93
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,520
Speaker 1: sister would be a good mom, and I believe her

94
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,640
Speaker 1: kids are safe with her. So I wanted to let

95
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,680
Speaker 1: you know that I wrote a letter of character for her,

96
00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:21,839
Speaker 1: telling what I believe is the truth about her. If

97
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,800
Speaker 1: you want to talk about that, I'm open, and I

98
00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,279
Speaker 1: love both of you guys, and I am trying to

99
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,320
Speaker 1: be the best friend that I know how to be

100
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,320
Speaker 1: to both of you now, and these times, I think

101
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,440
Speaker 1: often we look for the answer that's going to bring

102
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,360
Speaker 1: us the least amount of discomfort. And I'm coming back

103
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:42,200
Speaker 1: to you kind of asking, or you definitely asking what

104
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,000
Speaker 1: should I do? Should I tell her? Should I not

105
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,360
Speaker 1: tell her? So we often look for the answer that's

106
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,000
Speaker 1: going to bring us the least amount of discomfort, But

107
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,760
Speaker 1: comfortable doesn't always mean good or right, And so I

108
00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,520
Speaker 1: want to just put that out in the open so

109
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,960
Speaker 1: you can pay attention to if that's a driving force

110
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,680
Speaker 1: and you figuring out what you want to do. I

111
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,720
Speaker 1: think I've talked about this before, but I'm about to

112
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,320
Speaker 1: give a spoiler alert or a spoiler for anybody who

113
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,360
Speaker 1: has not watched The Crowded Room and wants to. You

114
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,520
Speaker 1: might want to like fast forward fifteen seconds. But in

115
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,640
Speaker 1: The Crowded Room, which is a show I think it's

116
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,320
Speaker 1: on Apple TV, there's a psychologist in the show and

117
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,919
Speaker 1: she's trying to get the mom of one of the

118
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,400
Speaker 1: characters who was being abused to tell the truth about

119
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,400
Speaker 1: the fact he was being abused as a kid. And

120
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,880
Speaker 1: the mom was scared because she was scared of what

121
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,680
Speaker 1: was what was going to happen to her relationship if

122
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,920
Speaker 1: she outed somebody that was hurting her her son. And

123
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,640
Speaker 1: a psychologist asked her, what can you live with guilt

124
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,919
Speaker 1: or grief? And that scene was so powerful for me

125
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,640
Speaker 1: because sometimes all of our options are going to include discomfort,

126
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,920
Speaker 1: They're going to include feelings that we don't really want

127
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,719
Speaker 1: to feel. But in this scenario and scenarios like this,

128
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,039
Speaker 1: we get to choose what the discomfort is. I do

129
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,800
Speaker 1: the right thing, and I might grieve the loss of something,

130
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:04,320
Speaker 1: or I go against my morality and live with the

131
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,120
Speaker 1: guilt for however long, maybe the rest of my life,

132
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,520
Speaker 1: and those two emotions might not be the exact emotions

133
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,640
Speaker 1: in question for you. But what I'm trying to say

134
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,200
Speaker 1: is that if your friend finds out about what you

135
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,120
Speaker 1: decided to do and she is upset, it doesn't mean

136
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,600
Speaker 1: that you did anything wrong. We can't keep everybody happy

137
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,920
Speaker 1: at the same time and still choose what we believe

138
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,840
Speaker 1: is right at the same time. And yeah, sometimes that

139
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,560
Speaker 1: comes with a consequence we don't want, but sometimes we

140
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:35,040
Speaker 1: don't have great options. The question that I would ask you,

141
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,360
Speaker 1: or the questions that I would encourage you to ask yourself,

142
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,840
Speaker 1: is what would be important about telling your friend what happened?

143
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,840
Speaker 1: Do you believe it is something she should know, even

144
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,000
Speaker 1: if you could keep it a secret, and what her

145
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,400
Speaker 1: being upset change your mind about doing what you did?

146
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,040
Speaker 1: Only you can decide what you want to do. Again,

147
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,280
Speaker 1: I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Yeah,

148
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,640
Speaker 1: there's something that I can say in this scenario what

149
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,800
Speaker 1: I would do, but I'm also not in your shoes

150
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,280
Speaker 1: that I'm not dealing with that, so I can't predict

151
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,920
Speaker 1: the future of what I would do either. There's not

152
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,160
Speaker 1: a right and wrong. There is what fits best for

153
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,920
Speaker 1: what's important to you. And the last thing I would

154
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,400
Speaker 1: say is, as much as we really want to be

155
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:17,320
Speaker 1: sometimes we are not responsible for managing how others feel

156
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,600
Speaker 1: or how others react, and that includes how others react

157
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:26,120
Speaker 1: to us. We are responsible for ourselves, doing what we

158
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,640
Speaker 1: think is right, apologizing when we make mistakes if we

159
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:36,000
Speaker 1: think that's right, learning, being open that we're responsible for ourselves,

160
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:40,160
Speaker 1: and I really want you to take that into account

161
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:44,160
Speaker 1: when you decide what you are going to do. That

162
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,360
Speaker 1: this is about me doing what I believe is right,

163
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:51,040
Speaker 1: whether that's telling her or not telling her, versus managing

164
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,000
Speaker 1: how she feels about what I did. Because jessicause someone

165
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,080
Speaker 1: has a feeling, it doesn't mean did anything wrong. I

166
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,080
Speaker 1: feel like I say that every week on the podcast.

167
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,040
Speaker 1: I hope that was helpful. Thank you for sharing this.

168
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,800
Speaker 1: Not everybody has been in this exact situation, but we've

169
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:10,000
Speaker 1: all been in situations where we're like, ooh, somebody's gonna

170
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,680
Speaker 1: be mad at me, and I also can't not do this?

171
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,880
Speaker 1: What do I do? That experience a lot of us

172
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,040
Speaker 1: can probably relate to, So thanks for sharing. I hope

173
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,400
Speaker 1: this was helpful. If you guys have any questions, feel

174
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,480
Speaker 1: free to send them Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast

175
00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:26,440
Speaker 1: dot com and I will talk to you guys again

176
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,880
Speaker 1: next week for the Monday episode of You Need Therapy.

177
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,560
Speaker 1: Until then, you can follow us at You Need Therapy Podcast,

178
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:39,319
Speaker 1: at cat dot Defada, and at Three Chords Therapy until Monday.

179
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,000
Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the days you need

180
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:42,319
Speaker 1: to have