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Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rad and I

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Speaker 1: Heart Radio and two time People's Choice Award winning podcast.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, it is Monday. We are scrubbing in. It

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Speaker 1: is Tanya kicking things off because we are songs Becca today,

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Speaker 1: but have no fear. Tanya is here, Mark is here,

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Speaker 1: Easton is here, Lisa Vanderpump is going to be joining us.

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Speaker 1: And we have a special guest who I'm really excited about.

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Speaker 1: Her name is Amy Chan and she wrote this book.

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Speaker 1: Um it's like basically break Up boot Camp. So she's

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Speaker 1: coming on a little bit later. But gangs all here.

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Speaker 1: We're just songs back in to day and I'm thrilled

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Speaker 1: to be here as m I, as m I because

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Speaker 1: let me tell you something. I went back to church

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Speaker 1: in person for the first time, uh like to my

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Speaker 1: actual regular church that I go to that I used

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Speaker 1: to go to pre handy. Um, I've been doing everything

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Speaker 1: virtually since you know, quarantine hit. And it was Easter

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Speaker 1: Sunday and I was just like, you know what, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to go and I cried twice during service. I

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Speaker 1: didn't realize how much I missed being in community with people,

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Speaker 1: singing with people praying with people like it was so

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Speaker 1: like and the crying was like joy. It wasn't sadness.

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Speaker 1: It was just like pure joy. And I I'm honestly

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Speaker 1: kind of blown away by it. That's fantastic. This is

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Speaker 1: your your back in your natural element of people, just

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Speaker 1: people being social exactly. And I don't even think I

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Speaker 1: don't even think I realized how much I missed it

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Speaker 1: until I was there, you know what I mean, Like

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Speaker 1: I knew I was, like, I knew a people person.

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Speaker 1: I like being around people. But not until I was

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Speaker 1: like there, did I realize how much of an impact

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Speaker 1: it has on on me mentally. For sure. We went

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Speaker 1: out to dinner Saturday night, we had some friends over

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Speaker 1: last night. It's really it's been nice that we're wrapping

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Speaker 1: this up again. It's really been beautiful. And we're all

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Speaker 1: going to be eligible in ten days to get our vaccines.

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Speaker 1: And I'm still a little concerned about some of the

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Speaker 1: spikes were seeing in some states and some of the variants,

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Speaker 1: but I'm trying to keep it totally focused and positive. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it feels, it feels good, and I just I can't

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Speaker 1: even believe that I fully just full blown cried. But

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Speaker 1: here we are. Well, you're an easy crier. Let's be honest.

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Speaker 1: I'm an easy crier, and I've also been emotional lately.

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Speaker 1: I feel like everything's kind of come like and like waves,

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Speaker 1: you know, highs, lows, peaks, valleys, and I kind of

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Speaker 1: hit a little bit of a valley recently where I

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Speaker 1: just I've never really struggled And I know this is

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Speaker 1: very lucky me, but I've never really struggled with mental

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Speaker 1: health stuff like ever and until this year, and so

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Speaker 1: it's kind of been something that I've had to really

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Speaker 1: like pay attention to and one things, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean, like just really put a lot of energy

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Speaker 1: and focus into like making sure I'm good because I've

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Speaker 1: never had to do that before. I've always just been

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Speaker 1: good and I can be there for people and be that,

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Speaker 1: you know, like I can keep going on the energizer bunny,

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Speaker 1: and I finally just realized, like I can't do that

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Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, I like a lot of people have

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Speaker 1: gone through that. In fact, you know, my daughter's therapist said, Wow,

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Speaker 1: she's never been this busy in her entire career. Oh really, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean I had didn't start going to therapy until

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Speaker 1: this year, probably like six months ago. But a lot

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Speaker 1: of kids she's specifically with with children, and she says,

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Speaker 1: it's just NonStop, all the day long. She's booked up

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Speaker 1: because a lot of kids have really struggled with this too.

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Speaker 1: It's so wild you don't even realize it, Like it's

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Speaker 1: pretty intense. So here we are, Here we are? Can

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Speaker 1: we talk about Grays before Lisa jumps on just because

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Speaker 1: she may not have seen it. She may not have

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Speaker 1: seen it, and wow, what a comeback? What to come back?

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Speaker 1: You know? And Grey's enemy is really in tune with

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Speaker 1: society because it's like peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys,

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Speaker 1: and last week was a valley and this week was

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Speaker 1: a peak. Great episode. I was not expecting to see

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Speaker 1: Mark Sloan fantastic, fantastic the takeaways or fantastic. I will

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Speaker 1: say this and people might come at me. Was Alexei

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Speaker 1: a little awkward? A little bit? Yes? I noticed that too.

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Speaker 1: She seemed a little bit like, I don't remember how

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Speaker 1: to play this character. I don't remember how to act

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Speaker 1: in general. I was like, what is going on with

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Speaker 1: Alexei Gray? Like, come on, girl, The afterlife can be

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Speaker 1: very traumatizing. I would imagine she did die some slack. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I just found it to be like a little bit off.

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Speaker 1: You know, like she was such a dynamic character when

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Speaker 1: she was there, and I felt her. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: was so happy to see her, and her takeaways were

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Speaker 1: really just hit me in the fields. But like there

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Speaker 1: was another part of me that I was just like,

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Speaker 1: is she good? You know what? I also thought for

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Speaker 1: this season, which I mean, that's episode is excellent. You know,

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Speaker 1: they want to keep Ellen Pompeo as happy as possible, right,

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Speaker 1: So it's like they went into the season and said,

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Speaker 1: tell you what, for this season, You're gonna be one

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Speaker 1: of two places, laying in bed doing nothing with your

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Speaker 1: eyes closed, or hanging out on a beach with your

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Speaker 1: old friends. Right. She's like signed me up for that.

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Speaker 1: That's fantastic. I don't have to memorize a lot of

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Speaker 1: medical mumbo jumbo, I don't have to do a lot

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Speaker 1: of acting. I can just be happy on the beach

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Speaker 1: or a sleep. It's so true. That's so true. I

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Speaker 1: didn't even think of that. Yeah, I mean, figure out

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Speaker 1: how to bring her back next year for another season.

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Speaker 1: You gotta come up with a storyline that, um, Meredith

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Speaker 1: Gray must constably be getting massaged the entire season, or

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Speaker 1: she'll die. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: that's really funny. I didn't even think of that. It's

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Speaker 1: pretty sweet gig this year. It is a pretty weekend.

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Speaker 1: But honestly, seeing Mark and LEXI was just like, I

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Speaker 1: don't even know how like they could top it at

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Speaker 1: this point. Well, it sounds like she's starting to come

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Speaker 1: out maybe, right, she's starting to come out like she

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Speaker 1: she They're starting to ween her off the vent and

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Speaker 1: so maybe she's gonna come back. It's almost the end

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Speaker 1: of the season. I don't know how many more there are. Actually,

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Speaker 1: don't They usually go till May? They do usually, and

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Speaker 1: I would think they would because they haven't done it

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Speaker 1: as many as usual because of the pandy as you

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Speaker 1: call it. Yeah yeah, but I was throwing all over

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Speaker 1: the place, and not just them. I thought the medical

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Speaker 1: storylines were salid. I thought the rest of it was

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Speaker 1: really good, really really good. I do have to say, uh,

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Speaker 1: great episode. And I also want to give a shout

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Speaker 1: out to my Arizona Wildcat basketball women because what a season.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to pretend to act like I know much,

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Speaker 1: but what I do know is that they got to

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Speaker 1: the championship, which is the final. So basically it was

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Speaker 1: them or this team Stanford, right, and they ended up

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Speaker 1: losing in the finals and the champion one by one point.

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Speaker 1: They played so well and I don't even know, like

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Speaker 1: I'm not want to judge, but they played well to

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Speaker 1: what I think. Oh yeah, of course absolutely, and the

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Speaker 1: fact that they got that far is wild. Well, you

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Speaker 1: know what's funny is I've never really watched much of

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Speaker 1: the women's tournament either, and so this year we we

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Speaker 1: we we had that episode. We talked about the how

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Speaker 1: slighted the women were and all that stuff. We decided

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Speaker 1: we should get in on this. So I wrote up

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Speaker 1: the bracket and I was like, I wonder if Arizona

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Speaker 1: playing this year. I didn't know because you went to

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Speaker 1: Arizona right playing we just beat one team there in

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Speaker 1: the field. That all right, let's for them, Like I

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Speaker 1: had no idea. Yeah, the finals, I know. And you

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Speaker 1: know what's funny. I used to make fun of those

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Speaker 1: sports people who have those like weird, like, um, what

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Speaker 1: are they called superstitions or whatever? So I ordered um

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Speaker 1: Arizona women's basketball t shirt and baseball right, and I

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Speaker 1: put it on the day before they played one of

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Speaker 1: the games. I don't I don't know. I'm not good

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Speaker 1: with the tears. But it was one of the games.

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Speaker 1: It was early on and they won. I didn't wear

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Speaker 1: it the day that they played the game. I wore

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Speaker 1: it the day before because I think that's the day

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Speaker 1: I got in. I was just excited. So then when

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Speaker 1: they won and everyone's like, oh my gosh, they're going

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Speaker 1: into the next bracket, which was a big deal, I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, so I have to wear my merch

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Speaker 1: the day before they play again, and so I so

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Speaker 1: then I did it again and they won again, and

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Speaker 1: I was like I have to keep doing this, Like

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Speaker 1: I can't not do this. And then I almost wore

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Speaker 1: the the hat on Sunday for my son run and

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Speaker 1: I was like, I can't wear it on game day

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Speaker 1: because I never wear it on game day or the

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Speaker 1: day before. And so I was like, I've turned into

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Speaker 1: one of those weird tradition sports people, which is so weird.

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Speaker 1: It's easy. It's easy to fall into that. I do

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Speaker 1: it all the time. It's so of course, yeah, like

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Speaker 1: what do you do well. The most recent one is

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Speaker 1: last year for my birthday, I got some really cool

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Speaker 1: new Brewers merch because they tweaked the logo and stuff,

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Speaker 1: and so I wore one for a game and they lost.

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Speaker 1: It's like, you know, whatever you think about it, three

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Speaker 1: s three times I wore that shirt, they lost, and

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Speaker 1: I never worried again the rest of the season. I

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Speaker 1: did wear an opening day this year, New Season, Fresh Start,

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Speaker 1: and they won. So I think that that shirt's got

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Speaker 1: its mojo back. It's got its mojo back, but it

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Speaker 1: is ludicrous, And I know there's ludicrous that what I'm

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Speaker 1: wearing in southern California there's any effect on those twenty

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Speaker 1: five people playing. I used to make fun of those

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Speaker 1: people that did those things, and here I am today

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Speaker 1: one of those people. Well, I got a Brewer shirt

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Speaker 1: on right now. We'll see how they do today. If

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Speaker 1: they weren't great. If they don't, we might have to

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Speaker 1: retire this one for a little while. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: let me tell you, I'm keeping that merch next season

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Speaker 1: because my girls are going to come back strong. That

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Speaker 1: was I really enjoyed that. I watched the game there

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Speaker 1: when they were playing Yukon, which they had no nobody

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Speaker 1: ever beat to Yukon. When they were playing UK and

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Speaker 1: I was watching that game and I was like, what's

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Speaker 1: happening to me? I'm way into this? I know. It

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Speaker 1: was so funny. I feel like like I have a

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Speaker 1: little community of you know, you have a supporters now

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Speaker 1: because people were deeming me being like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: they made it here, and I was like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: I'm so. I'm like, how am I so invested? So

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Speaker 1: I almost feel like I'm part of this like sports

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Speaker 1: culture now kind of ore. It was fun to watch.

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Speaker 1: It was a really fun and that last game was

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Speaker 1: really a nail biter. Nail nail biter or somebody say, yeah,

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Speaker 1: so really, it's just been a thrilling week so far. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's been. It's been great. I'm glad you had to

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Speaker 1: go to Easter. Did you see your family? Um? Nope,

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Speaker 1: because it's not Serbian Easter, it's Christian Easter. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I went to church and did the church thing and

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Speaker 1: uh yeah, just like I was thriving in it is

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Speaker 1: knuts on maya. Yeah, you know, it's just like different calendar, eater,

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Speaker 1: more fun, right, more cadburry eggs. I really only had

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Speaker 1: one yesterday. Like, let's be real, but what do you

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Speaker 1: guys do for Easter. My wife and I just hung

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Speaker 1: out at home and we we we had an Easter

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Speaker 1: egg hunt with our neighbors who are also two adults.

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Speaker 1: And we've been doing adult Easter egg hunts for the

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Speaker 1: last like five years. And let me tell you, it's

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Speaker 1: a blast. It is a lot of fun. Uh, And

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Speaker 1: we was We didn't do anything last year, but this

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Speaker 1: year we had our neighbors over and the hunted eggs

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Speaker 1: with us. And in the eggs, you know, so we

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Speaker 1: we the eggs are empty. Even at the very end.

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Speaker 1: We have like a golden egg that usually has yesterday.

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Speaker 1: We put seven dollars and twenty six cents in there,

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Speaker 1: and then we gave them a candle that was sent

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Speaker 1: to us by like Atlantic Records or something like something

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Speaker 1: I got from the Radius. Say. They were thrilled, so

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Speaker 1: like they make the Easter hump for you guys, and

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Speaker 1: then you make it for them. No, no, we we

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Speaker 1: just made it for them because I think when they

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Speaker 1: got the invite, I don't think they were prepared for

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Speaker 1: something like that. You're invited them to your home. I see,

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Speaker 1: are you hey, you guys wanna come over for an

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Speaker 1: egg hunt? They're like yeah, like are their kids. They're like, no,

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Speaker 1: it's it's just just for you and we're gonna make

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Speaker 1: it for you. And they said they had a great time.

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Speaker 1: They had a wonderful time according to them, So that's

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Speaker 1: that's all that matters. It was fun, how about you, Mark?

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Speaker 1: We we did an we hide Easter baskets for the kids.

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Speaker 1: Even though they're fourteen and eleven and nearly fifteen and twelve,

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Speaker 1: they've outgrown that. But we just put gifts in the

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Speaker 1: baskets along with some candy and hied them and it's fun.

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Speaker 1: Did that. Amer has made a great brunch and then

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Speaker 1: we had some friends come over and we grilled out

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Speaker 1: and we christened our new little that pool thing that

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Speaker 1: we put in. So wow, yeah, it was it was good.

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Speaker 1: It was my thing. Yeah, it really just I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lie. It just did. It did something to me

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Speaker 1: internally excellent. You know, he has risen and and so

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Speaker 1: have I Is that offensive? We make that the title,

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Speaker 1: you know when it's like he has risen and so

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Speaker 1: has my spirit? Okay, yeah that's why. Less offensive? Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: a little more PC. Yeah, but it's true, like it's

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Speaker 1: resurrection Sunday and I just feel like there was a resurrection,

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Speaker 1: you know, like just the vibe. Well, Lisa vander Pump

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Speaker 1: has joined us. Okay, great, we will take a break

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Speaker 1: and we'll be right back with Lisa vander Pump. And

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Speaker 1: we're back and we are here with the one and

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Speaker 1: only Lisavaner Palm. Ladies and gentlemen. So good to see

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Speaker 1: you again. So goo to see you two. I say

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Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen. Um, but I really believe that our

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Speaker 1: listeners are probably like female. Um. Oh interesting. Have you

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Speaker 1: ever done research on that? We haven't. But we have

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Speaker 1: a Facebook group and I'm yet to see any mail

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Speaker 1: aside from Market Easton who are on the podcast in

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Speaker 1: that Facebook group. So I'm just kind of going fased

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Speaker 1: off of that because on my current Twitter, and you know,

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Speaker 1: because I'm quite interactive or not, I see a lot

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Speaker 1: of men. I see a lot of gay men as well,

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Speaker 1: because I've been a huge geogy bt Q activist. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I do have quite a lot of men follow me,

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Speaker 1: which I like, Yeah, you like, Okay, Well I'm excited

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Speaker 1: to have you on because I is on your podcast,

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Speaker 1: which is All Things vander Pump. Yes, and I had

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Speaker 1: so much fun with you and I just feel like

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Speaker 1: you're somebody who I mean, you're you truly are a

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Speaker 1: modern woman. You have so much. I mean, if I

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Speaker 1: went through the list, if you looked you up on Wikipedia,

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Speaker 1: the list of things that you have done, accomplished like

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Speaker 1: career wise, personally, it's it's a lot. I've never looked

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Speaker 1: it up. Actually, that's interesting. They say, don't google yourself really,

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I've never really kind of gone down that route.

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Speaker 1: But I've had a very um the things I've been

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Speaker 1: evulged in reached far and wide. I think with my activism,

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Speaker 1: working with the homeless, um l g B t Q activism,

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Speaker 1: working with my Dog Foundation, speaking United Nations, you know,

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Speaker 1: speaking Congress, co writing resolutions. There's been a lot of

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Speaker 1: things I've been invulged in politically as well. And I

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Speaker 1: believe that if you're lucky enough to have a platform

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Speaker 1: in life, use it wisely. But I also believe you

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Speaker 1: have responsibility to speak up for certain things. And you know,

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Speaker 1: people will say to me, at least you care so

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Speaker 1: much about jobs. I care so much about a lot

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Speaker 1: of things, you know, and I can only do so much.

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Speaker 1: So if you're passionate about something else, it doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to be aligned with me, but be passionate about something.

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Speaker 1: You know. It's very very true. I think I've kind

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Speaker 1: of it is interesting because you can kind of find

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Speaker 1: your the things that you are passionate about, and you

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Speaker 1: can really just kind of go, you can dive deep.

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Speaker 1: I mean, there's so many ways that you can get involved.

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Speaker 1: And then also as you grow and you can give

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Speaker 1: more in different ways. You can give time, you can

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Speaker 1: give money, you can give energy, and so I think

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Speaker 1: it's kind of important too. For me, it's really women's issues,

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Speaker 1: women's charities and children's hospitals, so like those are kind

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Speaker 1: of where I kind of really passionate. I mean, I yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've got a very soft heart in terms of things

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Speaker 1: I see and I get emotional about things. I think, oh,

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Speaker 1: I want to get involved with that. For me, what's

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Speaker 1: really important though, is I like to be involved in

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Speaker 1: things that are tangible that I can actually get my

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Speaker 1: hands on. Like when we used to host the biggest

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Speaker 1: events in London, the Children's Wish every year, it would

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Speaker 1: actually be the party for the children. And when I

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Speaker 1: was involved with feeding the homeless, it was actually serving

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Speaker 1: the food on making the food, rather me sitting on

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Speaker 1: a board so much. Isn't something I like to be

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Speaker 1: very involved, touch it, feel, let's see it the same

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Speaker 1: way with my dog foundation. Um yeah, but yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: passionate about a lot of things. And there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of sadness in the world, you know, and you see

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Speaker 1: things and you think, how how can I make a difference.

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Speaker 1: I do what I can, but I have a busy

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Speaker 1: life and I also have to try and keep our

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Speaker 1: own heads above water, you know, in terms of business,

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Speaker 1: and it's been a terrible year obviously, with all the

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Speaker 1: restaurants being closed down. I don't think a lot of

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Speaker 1: people can understand. They think of a restaurant's closed, that's it,

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Speaker 1: staff aren't working, But it's not like that at all.

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Speaker 1: Just to get it back up and running, just get

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Speaker 1: staff back into place, a lot of people have gone home,

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Speaker 1: you know, have let the city to pay all the insurances,

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Speaker 1: to pay the rents. To get it all back up

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Speaker 1: and going is is pretty challenging, and financially what it

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Speaker 1: costs you just to keep it there is being a struggle. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because how many restaurants do you have? Now? I have Sir,

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Speaker 1: which is open, and I just opened pump. I mean

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Speaker 1: I have to say they're busy. We've felt a lot

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Speaker 1: of support from people. People come in and they're so

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Speaker 1: happy to be out about I haven't opened Tom Tom

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Speaker 1: yet because it's more bar orientated, so the menu, but

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Speaker 1: it's got two great gardens were developing out the front

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Speaker 1: as well. And then I have Vegas in Caesar's Palace.

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Speaker 1: BILLI Blanc has sadly closed through COVID, but it was

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Speaker 1: the end of the least. We've had it for fourteen years,

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Speaker 1: so we were looking at it think thinking can we

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Speaker 1: open up again, you know, in time to have the

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Speaker 1: restrictions lived, but it was it was the end of

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Speaker 1: the lease. Because okay, so you I mean, okay, so

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Speaker 1: you have your podcast, you have this new show on

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Speaker 1: e Overserved, you have all your charities and you I mean,

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Speaker 1: you're also a mom and a wife and you have

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Speaker 1: these restaurants and COVID hits right, what's that thought process?

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Speaker 1: Like like when when they basically say everything shuts down,

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Speaker 1: you still have to pay these like how where did

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Speaker 1: you even start? And then like making the decisions to

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Speaker 1: reopen up and all that stuff. It was very complicated.

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Speaker 1: It was very challenging. Most of the most employees were furloughed,

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Speaker 1: they were on unemployment. Some we kept on, but obviously

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Speaker 1: we can't as a group of four to keep on

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Speaker 1: hundreds of employees when we just shut down. Honestly, time

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Speaker 1: we thought it would be for months. I think that's

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Speaker 1: what we thought. Maybe a two or three weeks about

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Speaker 1: the future said to me a year ago that it

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Speaker 1: would be for over a year. I thought we won't

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Speaker 1: survive this. Um. But also we've got personal guarantees on

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Speaker 1: a lot of things our lives to guarantee. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people friends that I knew, walked away because they

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Speaker 1: didn't have personal guarantees so they could just walk away

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Speaker 1: from business. We didn't want to because our restaurants are

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Speaker 1: our life as well as our business. So yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: been difficult. But I got really busy, being very proactive,

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Speaker 1: starting my podcast, writing a book which I still need

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Speaker 1: to deliver. The last bit of it is kind of challenging. Um.

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Speaker 1: But I got very busy, and then I was doing

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Speaker 1: three shows through through after nine months of being in

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Speaker 1: in quarantine, and I took on my house on my own.

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Speaker 1: I didn't see anybody in the house. We had somebody

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Speaker 1: in the garden outside, you know, because there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of land here, but in the house it was just me,

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Speaker 1: and I thought, Okay, I'm going to rise to this

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Speaker 1: challenge and try and keep it and not drop our standards.

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Speaker 1: So I have a renewed respect for people to do

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Speaker 1: this was like Rosete. It came back. I'm like, shoure like,

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Speaker 1: nominate her with a Nobel piece. Um. I was really

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Speaker 1: good at everything. I'm all about know your business from

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Speaker 1: the ground up. Try to know every single component. Then

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Speaker 1: it gives you, you know, a chance bit with authority

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Speaker 1: if you can do the job yourself. But in the house,

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Speaker 1: I don't really know how to do laundry. I thought

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Speaker 1: I knew. I didn't even know there was a filter

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Speaker 1: in the dryer until smoke started coming out of the machine. Lies. Lies.

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Speaker 1: That is so funny. So you really like you really

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Speaker 1: kind of did everything in reverse. Yeah, but you know

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Speaker 1: I was. So I'm that person that I will take

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Speaker 1: on a challenge. You know, I'm like, this isn't gonna

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Speaker 1: beat me down. I'm kind of your person that you'd

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Speaker 1: want on the road trip, like, Okay, we got this.

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Speaker 1: You know. So I've stuffered with depression in my life.

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Speaker 1: When my brother died I went through a very dark

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Speaker 1: hole and I thought, how can I get out of this?

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Speaker 1: And I understand depression. In fact, one of my other

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Speaker 1: organizations that being involved with there's been the Trevor Project

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Speaker 1: suicide prevention, but that also because I saw statistics of

404
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Speaker 1: being three times more likely for young lgbt q UM

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Speaker 1: people too, you know, more likely to commit suicide. So

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Speaker 1: I was very involved with the Trevor Project. So I

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Speaker 1: understood suicide, or thought I did. I don't understand it,

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Speaker 1: but I empathized with it. Empathy is about, you know,

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Speaker 1: trying to have an understanding what people go through them.

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Speaker 1: So I was involved with them, but I just never

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Speaker 1: thought that that would touch my life. And then when

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Speaker 1: I kind of went down that that was probably the

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Speaker 1: only time in my life I've really been challenged emotionally

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Speaker 1: in terms of feeling how do you get out of this?

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Speaker 1: How can you put yourself together? Apart from the hormonal

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Speaker 1: stuff that women goes where you wake up. I was like,

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Speaker 1: I can't cope. I think you will go through that,

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Speaker 1: you know. I was actually saying earlier that I honestly

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Speaker 1: I've never had UM and I'm so grateful for it

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Speaker 1: that I've never had to struggle with any sort of

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Speaker 1: mental like mental illness or mental stability in a way

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Speaker 1: like I have the last year. Um, because I I've

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Speaker 1: always just had this abundance of joy and abundance to

424
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,440
Speaker 1: give an abundance to like keep going. And then when

425
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 1: the pandemic hit and I was at all the people

426
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,639
Speaker 1: were like taken away out of my life and like

427
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: all the things, and I don't know it like just

428
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,160
Speaker 1: started doing things to me. And I, you know, started

429
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 1: going to therapy and really being intentional about my mental

430
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 1: health in a way that I've never had to before.

431
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:50,359
Speaker 1: And I went back to church for the first time

432
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,240
Speaker 1: yesterday actually for Easter, uh, since the pandemic happened, and like,

433
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: I feel almost like a changed person, just like being

434
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 1: back at church. I cried twice Ethan, which is really

435
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 1: emotional about like having community again, you know, And I

436
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,160
Speaker 1: think that that's something that's really really important for me.

437
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:11,520
Speaker 1: I I in fact, I'm very close to a priest,

438
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 1: father Greg, who he renewed our vows. I saw him

439
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 1: this week as well. And you know, I've always been

440
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,760
Speaker 1: quite religious and not not as dedicated as going to church,

441
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 1: but obviously our homeless mission was always at our church.

442
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 1: Always want to support the church. But yeah, I do

443
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:32,159
Speaker 1: think it gives you a feeling of comfort and to

444
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,879
Speaker 1: see people. It's a very important part of our lives,

445
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 1: which is it's good. You know that Keim feels the

446
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,679
Speaker 1: same way. But yeah, it's been a tough year and

447
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,119
Speaker 1: it's brought up so many different emotions. I felt a

448
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 1: little bit isolated in terms of, you know, my family

449
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,160
Speaker 1: being in England. My mother had died and my brother

450
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,399
Speaker 1: had died within a year suddenly, and it was just

451
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 1: the four of us, and suddenly my father had broken

452
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: his hip and his shoulder. But you can't go over there,

453
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 1: you know. So that was you know, that's been hard

454
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 1: because the physical contact as well, it's that's weird and

455
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: on over served you see, you know, they walk in

456
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,600
Speaker 1: on the show and we're like hi, yeah, and it

457
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,200
Speaker 1: feels so strange and I don't know, how's it gonna

458
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 1: kill when we actually are I'm hugging good friends now,

459
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 1: I'm hugging good friends. Have been vaccinated, fully vaccinated. I'm

460
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:31,400
Speaker 1: fully vaccinated, and it has It's amazing what we take

461
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 1: for granted until it's takes I actually I went to

462
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 1: a restaurant last weekend and um, I saw two people

463
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: that obviously haven't seen in a year, but they're friends,

464
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,520
Speaker 1: Like I know them very you know, like I would

465
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,960
Speaker 1: normally go up to their table and say Hi, how

466
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,240
Speaker 1: are you? And I felt so uncomfortable doing it because

467
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,119
Speaker 1: there was another person sitting at their table that I

468
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 1: didn't know, and so I was like, I don't want

469
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 1: to go over and like have my you know, offering

470
00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:58,560
Speaker 1: a mask, but like you know what I mean, I

471
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,040
Speaker 1: was like, I don't want to make them uncomfortable. So

472
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,840
Speaker 1: I was like awkwardly waving and like dm NG. I

473
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: was just like, it's made everybody so socially awkward. Now

474
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,160
Speaker 1: you have the vaccine, No I haven't. Oh you see,

475
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,280
Speaker 1: we waited outside. It took us as a family a

476
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,919
Speaker 1: few days of waiting because the front line work. Because

477
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 1: they said if we opened some and there's some left over,

478
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 1: then you can have it. So Ken was recommended first

479
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:26,080
Speaker 1: to go down there, and they said two days. It

480
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,120
Speaker 1: was two days, and then the second day they said, okay,

481
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:32,320
Speaker 1: we've got some left over, and Pandora, my daughter, went

482
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,560
Speaker 1: with Jason. Um. But they waited I think it was

483
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 1: three days, you know, four hours each time. And then

484
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,840
Speaker 1: they said, no, we've opened it, and we knew a

485
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,040
Speaker 1: lot of people that got it like that. They just

486
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 1: have a lot of friends that have have done the same,

487
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,200
Speaker 1: and like they've waited in line for the X amount

488
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,120
Speaker 1: of hours for the for the extras. And I think

489
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,159
Speaker 1: it's great because I don't let them go to waste,

490
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, I'd rather than go. But

491
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 1: I am just like, you know, are you going to

492
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,560
Speaker 1: have it? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, but I don't. I'm not

493
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: um chasing it. Yeah yeah, I mean for us. Also,

494
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,679
Speaker 1: all the restaurant workers. I've encouraged my staff to have

495
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,360
Speaker 1: it because you know, it's just you feel so different.

496
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,520
Speaker 1: So most of the people that worked for me are

497
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 1: kind of out there have had it now, so that's

498
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 1: really good. And we kept our rescue open all through COVID,

499
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,440
Speaker 1: was open all through COVID. It was Yeah, it's been

500
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 1: a challenge, and you like started a brand new show. Actually,

501
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,160
Speaker 1: you know what, I do want to ask you about

502
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 1: that because a lot of people that a lot of

503
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 1: people watched you on the real house sides of Beverly Hills,

504
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 1: and I have never been a fan of that franchise

505
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,479
Speaker 1: No Fence because it's I feel like it's like women

506
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,400
Speaker 1: bashing each other and you're like the opposite of that.

507
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:52,680
Speaker 1: That's why I left. Yeah, it's so true though, Like

508
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,119
Speaker 1: I feel like, I feel like when I came on

509
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,160
Speaker 1: your podcast, you were such like, um, I'm a woman woman,

510
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: but I'm a girl's girl, you know, and I like,

511
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 1: I don't know, I just I associate that with with

512
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 1: a lot of negativity, you know, And so I was like,

513
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,159
Speaker 1: I don't know, none, never, no, none of it matched up.

514
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: But now you're starting this new show with he Yeah,

515
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:18,639
Speaker 1: that's been hilarious. And you started during the pandemic, right, yes, yeah, absolutely, Well,

516
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:21,680
Speaker 1: you know what, I never want to denigrate the franchise

517
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: of the Real Housewives because it gave me so much.

518
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: Of course, when I started off, you know, when I

519
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 1: started off that show, it was an organic group of

520
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 1: friends and it was it seemed like a fun thing

521
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: to do. But I remember Jennifer Stallone slice Sta Loane's

522
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: wife shown me the New York Housewives and she said

523
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: they're casting for Beverly Hills. You've got to do it.

524
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 1: And I saw them arguing, and I said, that is

525
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 1: so not me, so not me, And I went in

526
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,480
Speaker 1: with the audition, and I said, silly crap, you know.

527
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,960
Speaker 1: I remember they asked me a question like, what's yours?

528
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 1: Tell us about your sex life? And I said, well,

529
00:28:57,520 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: do you want to know about the woman my husbandal

530
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 1: with everybody else? You know, And I really didn't care.

531
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,880
Speaker 1: I was just laughing, you know, and having fun. Well

532
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: that's They came back to me and they said, oh, no,

533
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 1: we love you, would like you shoul join the cast.

534
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,440
Speaker 1: But I'm just not a very kind of combative person.

535
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 1: I mean, even my kids don't remember kind of fights

536
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 1: in you know, the household. I'm not really I didn't

537
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: like that part of it at all. It made me

538
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 1: very uncomfortable. But in the last season when I was there,

539
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,720
Speaker 1: I wasn't in the same place as I said. I've

540
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:34,440
Speaker 1: been very honest about that. I've always been really stable emotionally.

541
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:39,000
Speaker 1: But when I lost my brother, you know, sixteen months old,

542
00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 1: me my only sibling, I just I just I was

543
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: looking for things that made me happy. I was trying

544
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 1: to come out of it, you know. And I did

545
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: be almost very soon after. And then I just said

546
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: I and he said, we should have given you the

547
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: year off. But actually I don't like any negativity at all.

548
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,520
Speaker 1: I think, good luck to them. If they want to

549
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 1: do that, let them do that, but just not for me.

550
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:05,880
Speaker 1: And when one door closes, another door opens exactly and

551
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 1: three open. So yeah, and now you're just thriving and

552
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,400
Speaker 1: you love it. I love it. I mean, I love working,

553
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,240
Speaker 1: I love to keep busy, I love I'm passionate about

554
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 1: so many things. I had a great time during Pitch

555
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 1: Perfect ABC show. We had a wonderful time, you know,

556
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,720
Speaker 1: on the vander Pump Dog Rescue a show, because that's,

557
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: you know, something very very dear to my heart and

558
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:36,719
Speaker 1: over served was a complete giggle being able to choose

559
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 1: people that you want to have come to dinner. I mean,

560
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:43,400
Speaker 1: the first episode having vivicar Box and Lance Bass and

561
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,800
Speaker 1: Michael duch And and Lancer. Michael is just such lovely people,

562
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: very good old friends of mine and I was even

563
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 1: in their wedding years ago. I just adore them, and

564
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,479
Speaker 1: then saying, okay, let's try and see if we can

565
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: get vivicar Box, Vivic gary Box, you know, and when

566
00:30:57,520 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: she said she could come, we just had so many

567
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 1: one well guests, Trixy matil Iggy Azalea together. Everything was

568
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: such a hoot and it gave Pandora and I my

569
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: daughter a chance. We were to cook and we were

570
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: just cooking and setting tables, ridiculous scenarios and different settings.

571
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,280
Speaker 1: It was just really good and we did twelve episodes.

572
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: It's been such a laugh, it really has, and on

573
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: social media, people are loving it. You know, they're really

574
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 1: kind of saying, I've never laughed so much. That's awesome.

575
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:33,040
Speaker 1: That is so awesome. And I know that you said that,

576
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:37,760
Speaker 1: um that you know, you made that joke about your

577
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 1: sex life when you were doing that audition for Real Housewives.

578
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 1: I love that you have that relationship with your husband

579
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,440
Speaker 1: that you guys can kind of laugh and you know,

580
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,280
Speaker 1: make jokes about those kind of things. Is that, like,

581
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 1: what's the key? Because you guys have been married now

582
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: for how many years? I mean that is tremendous, Like

583
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: that is so awesome. And I just feel like relationships

584
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 1: aren't easy. Like no, I don't think anybody can sit

585
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: sit there and say that relationships are any relationship is easy.

586
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 1: Especially I can't even imagine for thirty nine years keeping

587
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:15,120
Speaker 1: it like together, you know, like just hat and you know,

588
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 1: you grow as an individual, your relationship grows. What are

589
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 1: some of the things that you've learned along the way

590
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 1: that really kind of have helped you and can stay strong. Well.

591
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,320
Speaker 1: I think that you have to understand going through relationship.

592
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 1: I want to ask you if for still with Socrates?

593
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 1: Are you no? We broke up? No? Yeah, when all

594
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: right before Christmas? Why would anybody break up with you?

595
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,400
Speaker 1: You're so sweet? I like, honestly can't. I still can't

596
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:53,960
Speaker 1: talk about it without crying. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're fine,

597
00:32:54,000 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 1: It's fine. No, it's not. You still. Oh gosh, I

598
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 1: wish I hadn't asked. No, it's okay, It's okay, because

599
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,040
Speaker 1: you know what, I hope is still alive. I'm still

600
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 1: I thought st hope in my heart. You are such

601
00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:16,160
Speaker 1: a blessing your energy. Anybody that I know that knows

602
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 1: you speaks the same way about you. You've got such

603
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: a feel good factor to you. You are in addition

604
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:27,080
Speaker 1: to somebody's life. You should be a bonus to somebody.

605
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 1: You shouldn't compromise. Look, we're all flawed human beings, and

606
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: I understand your question for me being married, being married

607
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,480
Speaker 1: to anybody for that amount of time, we have to

608
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:43,400
Speaker 1: understand that we're all flawed individuals. Were all going to

609
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 1: make mistakes. There has to be forgiveness, There has to

610
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 1: be acceptance, there has to be supported. There has been

611
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:52,640
Speaker 1: so many components and all those things. To get all

612
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:55,640
Speaker 1: those things to align to make a successful relationship is

613
00:33:55,760 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: very difficulty. Now, I was funny one when I got married.

614
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 1: So I married somebody sixteen years older than me. So

615
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:05,440
Speaker 1: he'd been a friend of my brother, you know, As

616
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,280
Speaker 1: I said, my brother was kind of like my partner

617
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,680
Speaker 1: in crime. You know. That's why it was so difficult

618
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: to lose him, you know. But when I met Ken,

619
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 1: he was a man that he he always gave me

620
00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:21,160
Speaker 1: the confidence to do whatever I wanted. And he was

621
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,120
Speaker 1: also smart enough to let me grow, and I was

622
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:27,600
Speaker 1: always I think it's very important that as much time

623
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,719
Speaker 1: as you spend together, because people ask me, you guys

624
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:35,280
Speaker 1: spend so much time together, working together, he lets me developed.

625
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,839
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not the same person now. I just

626
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,880
Speaker 1: turned sixty. I'm not the same person that I was

627
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:45,360
Speaker 1: at twenty one. But he has allowed me to flourish.

628
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,319
Speaker 1: And and of course I've made mistakes, and you all

629
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 1: make mistakes, you know, And the relationship there has to

630
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:54,279
Speaker 1: be forgiveness in so many aspects. And I'm not talking

631
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: about infidelity, I'm not talking about any one thing. I'm

632
00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:00,719
Speaker 1: talking about just in life. Just generally. You're gonna you're

633
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:02,839
Speaker 1: gonna get drunk, you're gonna say the wrong thing. You're

634
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,200
Speaker 1: gonna pull out with his parents or his ball out

635
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,880
Speaker 1: with yours, or your sibling gets in the way, or

636
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,880
Speaker 1: you flirt with somebody or something. You know, it's always

637
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:14,560
Speaker 1: gonna happen, and it's how you deal with it and

638
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 1: how you you realize what you've got to hold onto.

639
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:20,439
Speaker 1: I mean, if this didn't work out with socks Shee's,

640
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 1: then I see you're you're you're very cheerful over it.

641
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,720
Speaker 1: But if it wasn't worth saving enough for you both

642
00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:29,839
Speaker 1: to really kind of saying, Okay, this is why it's

643
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,960
Speaker 1: not working, then it wasn't for you. You should be

644
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:39,040
Speaker 1: why didn't it work? What happened? It's a long story.

645
00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:42,360
Speaker 1: We need to go. We didn't have a drink. I

646
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:49,399
Speaker 1: need a cocktail and a dinner party. But done. But

647
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: was he heartbroken as well? Or yes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

648
00:35:55,360 --> 00:36:01,359
Speaker 1: yeah not it's no, it's just it's sad sometimes, you know,

649
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,719
Speaker 1: And I think that, I mean, I grew a lot.

650
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:08,799
Speaker 1: I think also to like, Um, because of that, not

651
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,880
Speaker 1: because of that relationship, but I think also because of

652
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: the pandemic. I started doing a lot of work on

653
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:15,480
Speaker 1: myself and like going to this to this therapist, and

654
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 1: I think I've realized a lot um and I've grown

655
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,120
Speaker 1: a lot, which is good, you know, like I feel

656
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: like I'm trying to look at the good in it.

657
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 1: And I grew up a lot. And what would you

658
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 1: think that the mistakes that you've made in relationships? Do

659
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:36,320
Speaker 1: you keep repeating those mistakes or you know what's interesting?

660
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,920
Speaker 1: So I just read or I'm reading this book. It's

661
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 1: called Think Like a Monk. Have you heard? It's from J.

662
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:46,080
Speaker 1: Shetty And Um, there's this exercise in the book that

663
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:50,319
Speaker 1: he says, ask uh ten to twenty people in your

664
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 1: life to really pinpoint a moment where you were thriving,

665
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,399
Speaker 1: like where you were at your best in life and

666
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: really be like almost come up with like a date.

667
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 1: Lunks don't have sex, no, no, no, it's like he's

668
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 1: a former monk. I think he was a monk for

669
00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,360
Speaker 1: I don't know how many years, but he's not anymore.

670
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,520
Speaker 1: But the book is about like peace and living a

671
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 1: more peaceful life and just being in the moment in

672
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:24,360
Speaker 1: present um. And this exercise actually was really interesting because

673
00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:28,160
Speaker 1: everybody that got all my friends that got back to me, UM,

674
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 1: the feedback was really consistent and every time, every it

675
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 1: was very uh a time in my life where I

676
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 1: was so focused on on me and one of my

677
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 1: friends was like, do you want me to be honest

678
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,440
Speaker 1: with you? And I said yeah, and he goes, I

679
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 1: think you let men throw you off your course. You

680
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:50,799
Speaker 1: get so invested and you put so much energy, and

681
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:54,560
Speaker 1: you put so much into because like I have this

682
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 1: a little bit of a pie in the sky image

683
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 1: of what my husband is going to be and what

684
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,200
Speaker 1: that relationship is going to be. Like I'm a little

685
00:38:01,239 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: I have it's more realistic, but I do have a

686
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:07,280
Speaker 1: little bit of that fairy tale in me. And so

687
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:10,799
Speaker 1: he was like, when when this happens or when a

688
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,200
Speaker 1: guy comes in and you you know, you put all

689
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,319
Speaker 1: of your energy into it and you get thrown off

690
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:19,360
Speaker 1: of your Tanya pursuit which is so strong. And I

691
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 1: was like that was kind of a big like Eureka moment.

692
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,840
Speaker 1: I was like, you're right, I do I put I'm

693
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,200
Speaker 1: really good at putting other people's needs before my own.

694
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,839
Speaker 1: So you think that you lose your channeling, your ambition,

695
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,879
Speaker 1: and you focus and maybe you put too much importance

696
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:38,520
Speaker 1: on the relationship rather than just letting it grow together

697
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: and still having your individuality. I think that's very important.

698
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,840
Speaker 1: As I say that Ken has been very smart. Listen,

699
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:51,239
Speaker 1: our relationship has not been perfect compared to most of

700
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,279
Speaker 1: my friends that were at all wedding. I guess it

701
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:56,840
Speaker 1: has been perfect because most of the course, you know

702
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,960
Speaker 1: all the vehicle that were at all our wedding. But

703
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,000
Speaker 1: no relationship is ever perfect, and you shouldn't. I do

704
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 1: think if you try to put each other first. But

705
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:13,359
Speaker 1: I also think your individuality is what makes you you,

706
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:16,920
Speaker 1: and that is why you're so attractive. Your zest for life,

707
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 1: your passion just about the passion you also bring to

708
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: your podcast. You have this energy that emanates, that radiates

709
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:30,120
Speaker 1: from you, and I don't think to focus that on

710
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,319
Speaker 1: somebody else. You just need to be you and you

711
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:36,399
Speaker 1: will be loved for being you. But also and so

712
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: it's it's interesting because it's like my therapist has really

713
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 1: gotten me to figure out. She's like, you feel like

714
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,759
Speaker 1: you need to always be like doing something for them,

715
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,319
Speaker 1: or like it's almost like you just it's you need

716
00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 1: to keep going on a little more and more and more.

717
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:50,320
Speaker 1: And he's like, She's like, you can just be you

718
00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 1: by just being you. And I was like, wow, that

719
00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 1: is what was your upbringing? Like? Was your mother kind

720
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,560
Speaker 1: of differential to your father and try to make him

721
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 1: happy and and and tried to kind of create the

722
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 1: perfect life you know it? No, no, at all. My

723
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 1: mom was like such a modern woman. Um. But when

724
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 1: I was in school, I was always a little bit

725
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 1: like different than everybody when I was in school because

726
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 1: I was in a Catholic school and I was serving Orthodox.

727
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 1: My last name is very very long, and I wasn't like,

728
00:40:19,280 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 1: you know, they all were doing first community and my

729
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,720
Speaker 1: parents sent me to school in like a blue dress.

730
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,439
Speaker 1: So I was always just kind of I never really

731
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,920
Speaker 1: fit in, and so I always felt like I needed

732
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,800
Speaker 1: to kind of do like this like dog and Pony

733
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 1: trick to almost like be seen in a weird way.

734
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:36,200
Speaker 1: And it's helped me professionally because I definitely think that's

735
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:41,960
Speaker 1: how I've gotten where I am today. Kind of quality.

736
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,839
Speaker 1: But it is you don't need to you know what.

737
00:40:47,239 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: I thought it was very interesting, Gosha, don't Jakebanner DOMINIQUEA

738
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:57,760
Speaker 1: don't chake. He came to my house for lunch, and

739
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,680
Speaker 1: I remember him telling me this story and he turned around.

740
00:41:01,719 --> 00:41:04,640
Speaker 1: He was talking about his parents marriage and how his

741
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:08,840
Speaker 1: mother was a bit older, you know, when she marriages father,

742
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,000
Speaker 1: and she turned around. He said, what a wonderful woman

743
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:15,479
Speaker 1: she was as she turned around, and said, we're gonna

744
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 1: make it work. We're gonna make it work. So how

745
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,400
Speaker 1: do you know it work? No, No, we're going to

746
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 1: make it work. And I think you can still be

747
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:28,120
Speaker 1: committed to relationship but not give up yourself. I'm not

748
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:31,760
Speaker 1: gonna change to kind of be trying to keep you happy.

749
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:34,439
Speaker 1: I want you to be happy just because you're with me,

750
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: you know, And I think that you are enough and

751
00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have to literally bend over. Well, of course

752
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,560
Speaker 1: you have to, you know. And it's it's it's funny

753
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 1: because he never made me feel that way. Wasn't about

754
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: him making me feel like. It was me that was

755
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:52,400
Speaker 1: doing it just because. And so it's definitely something that

756
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:56,640
Speaker 1: I need to change and work on internally. Um, because

757
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 1: it wasn't like it was expected of me or he

758
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 1: was telling me he needed these things. It was all me,

759
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: you know, and so that is where the like, that's

760
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: where I need to do the work. There's no spection though,

761
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:10,320
Speaker 1: there's no perfect man. It doesn't exist, you know, And

762
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:14,920
Speaker 1: I think that, yeah, it really doesn't. I think somebody

763
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,680
Speaker 1: and you really have a good physical connection and you

764
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,800
Speaker 1: both have the same I do think it's harder here

765
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:25,760
Speaker 1: and this kind of environment. There's just so many women

766
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 1: convert to men. I think it's differently in London. I

767
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:34,160
Speaker 1: definitely felt very different energy than I feel in Los Angeles.

768
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,080
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not I I you know, I definitely still

769
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 1: have hope in my heart for him as well. Um,

770
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: I don't think like normally I closed the door on

771
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:45,920
Speaker 1: any guy that I date when it's done, and I

772
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:50,360
Speaker 1: definitely haven't done that with him. So TVD but um,

773
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 1: Amy Chan is in the waiting room, and so I

774
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:56,480
Speaker 1: want to take a little break and then we will

775
00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:59,319
Speaker 1: be right back with Amy Chan and the Breakup boot Camp.

776
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:17,359
Speaker 1: We are back. We have Lisa vanderpub I'm still here.

777
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,880
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sticking around and co hosting

778
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 1: with me. Lisa, and I'm really excited because we are

779
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 1: bringing in Amy Chance. She is the author of Breakup

780
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 1: boot Camp, which is very fitting um, and I'm really

781
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:34,879
Speaker 1: excited Amy to have you on because I heard you

782
00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:39,240
Speaker 1: on the Lady Gang podcast, which is another fully female podcast,

783
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:41,479
Speaker 1: and I love to support women, so I'm gonna shout

784
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: them out. But I heard you on their podcast and

785
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:47,200
Speaker 1: I was just so engrossed in everything that you were saying,

786
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:50,640
Speaker 1: and I was like, we need her on our podcast immediately. Awesome,

787
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:54,080
Speaker 1: thanks for having me. So I want you to tell

788
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,280
Speaker 1: our scrubbers, you know, kind of the concept of the book,

789
00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:59,560
Speaker 1: why you started it, and then I want to kind

790
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,359
Speaker 1: of get down to some like rules are you yeah, Am,

791
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:07,320
Speaker 1: I let me just ask are you going to ask

792
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 1: her from a personal place as well? Amy, her advice?

793
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:17,480
Speaker 1: Because literally I see everything so kind of near boiling

794
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:21,400
Speaker 1: point with you, Tony, you know, how is bubbling And

795
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 1: I think maybe personally you could wait in on that. Amy.

796
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,919
Speaker 1: It's it's interesting because I feel like your Breakup boot

797
00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 1: Camp is it more for people who are like newly going,

798
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:35,359
Speaker 1: like just fresh out of a breakup. Here's the thing,

799
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: It's never just about the X. It's recycled pain. So

800
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:44,920
Speaker 1: a breakup is sometimes a wonderful catalyst that helps someone,

801
00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 1: you know, the breakup is a shake up, eat to

802
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: redirect your life, and so people don't deal with some

803
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 1: of these patterns or these old wounds until there's this

804
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:57,160
Speaker 1: devastating breakup. But anyone who comes through breakup boot camp,

805
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,840
Speaker 1: they always realize on the last day, they're like, this

806
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,680
Speaker 1: is it about my acts? It's not about a person.

807
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:06,480
Speaker 1: It's about these patterns and these belief systems that I

808
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:09,799
Speaker 1: have been kicking around since childhood that's causing the same

809
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:13,600
Speaker 1: emotional experience to repeat over and over again. Was it

810
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:17,880
Speaker 1: one Was it one relationship that really motivated you to

811
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,839
Speaker 1: write this book or was the cumulative of many experiences

812
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 1: that you've been through that you thought, Hold on a second,

813
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:27,960
Speaker 1: I see it bad in here with yourself. Yeah, great questions.

814
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:31,680
Speaker 1: So I have struggled with my heart my whole life,

815
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:34,040
Speaker 1: and it was something I couldn't understand because I was

816
00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 1: an overachiever. I was successful, but when it came to

817
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:40,719
Speaker 1: matters of the heart, I was constantly suffering and I

818
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,360
Speaker 1: was It's so funny that you say this, because I

819
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:46,000
Speaker 1: always say that my heart is the best thing about me,

820
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: and it's also my chilees heel. It's just like it's

821
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 1: the it's the greatest, and it causes me the most pain. Yeah. Yeah,

822
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 1: And for me, I I went through this one breakup

823
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,399
Speaker 1: and I thought, you know, I was dating this guy.

824
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 1: I thought this was gonna be my happy forever after.

825
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 1: And to me back then, living the dream was date,

826
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:09,399
Speaker 1: get married, you know, have children, work on the side

827
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,520
Speaker 1: for fun. And I was on that path. And when

828
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 1: that relationship ended because of infidelity, I completely fell apart.

829
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,800
Speaker 1: I put so much of my identity in him and

830
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:22,239
Speaker 1: us that I didn't know who I was. And not

831
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,040
Speaker 1: only was I mourning the relationship and this person who

832
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 1: I thought was my best friend, I was now mourning

833
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,919
Speaker 1: the future I would not not have. It will never

834
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:34,760
Speaker 1: be actualized. And so I think that's what really caused

835
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 1: me to go on this journey of healing the heart.

836
00:46:38,239 --> 00:46:42,480
Speaker 1: And I tried everything, therapy, psychics, yoga, retreats. I tried it.

837
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,920
Speaker 1: I've been to like psych and and and while you know,

838
00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:50,759
Speaker 1: I would go to say a retreat and it was

839
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,400
Speaker 1: great for a week, I would come back and I

840
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:54,839
Speaker 1: would have to deal with my same weld demons. And

841
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 1: so I realized I needed to be the one to

842
00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:59,839
Speaker 1: create the world's first ever break up boot camp where

843
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:03,520
Speaker 1: you physically come you're out in nature, you have your

844
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:06,839
Speaker 1: phone off, that's one of the rules, and you leave

845
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:11,360
Speaker 1: different because you actually have experts, the best relationship experts

846
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:15,399
Speaker 1: from psychologists to behavioral scientists to even a dominatrix who

847
00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: helps you understand don't yes, yes, yeah, that a sex person. Well, so,

848
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,759
Speaker 1: oh my god, I don't know if that is. You

849
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 1: have a professional dominatrix who has a PhD from Berkeley

850
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:34,320
Speaker 1: and she works with power and the psychology of power.

851
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:37,839
Speaker 1: And the common thing that everyone struggles with when they

852
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:41,080
Speaker 1: come through breakup boot camp is they feel like they've

853
00:47:41,120 --> 00:47:44,480
Speaker 1: lost their power. They feel disempowered and this either happened

854
00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 1: in the relationship where they started off independent and suddenly

855
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:51,720
Speaker 1: their entire sense of self worth and validation is based

856
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:53,719
Speaker 1: off their partner, and when it's over, they don't know

857
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:58,160
Speaker 1: who they are anymore. To the struggle of pining over

858
00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:01,759
Speaker 1: someone who doesn't return their affection. Um, So we bring

859
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:05,920
Speaker 1: in a dominated to understand the psychology of power dynamics

860
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 1: and the interplay of dominance and submission that is in

861
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:15,799
Speaker 1: all of our relationship dynamics. Wow interesting, so very can

862
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 1: I can I ask you? Because I find this all

863
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:20,959
Speaker 1: very fascinating Because I was reading about this so human,

864
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:25,600
Speaker 1: this relationship. For how long with this It was two years?

865
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:29,680
Speaker 1: Two years? And then I don't like to assume it

866
00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 1: anything a man or I never had to assume these days.

867
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,759
Speaker 1: So you're in this relationship with this man for two

868
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:41,640
Speaker 1: years and suddenly you obviously discover something he was I'm

869
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:44,359
Speaker 1: assuming when you said infidelity, I'm putting it on him

870
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 1: rather than you. He said infidelity. Was again never wanting

871
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:51,080
Speaker 1: to assume. Did you ever think could you look at

872
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,799
Speaker 1: the situation and think, you know what, I could get

873
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:57,840
Speaker 1: past this? Or was it absolutely that was it? It

874
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:00,280
Speaker 1: was a done deal? Or did you ever think, Okay,

875
00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:03,560
Speaker 1: let me try and understand how this has happened, and

876
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:05,879
Speaker 1: am I in any way responsible for it? Or did

877
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 1: you just think okay, nope, I caught you with your

878
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:13,239
Speaker 1: trousers down and I'm gonna that's a that's a really

879
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:19,040
Speaker 1: great question. You see, back then, I the infidelity and

880
00:49:19,080 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 1: the breakup was the band aids that got ripped off,

881
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:25,000
Speaker 1: and I now had to deal with all of my

882
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:29,040
Speaker 1: childhood wounds, starting with the relationship with my unavailable father

883
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:32,759
Speaker 1: and all the heartbreaks in between, and I didn't have

884
00:49:33,239 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 1: the tools to understand what was going on. So I

885
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 1: just put all of the blame onto this person. Everything

886
00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 1: was my excess fault. He was a villain and I

887
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 1: was a victim of the story. And because of that,

888
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:51,399
Speaker 1: there was no way I could work through what had happened. Uh.

889
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:55,719
Speaker 1: It just poured salt in an abandonment wound that I've

890
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:59,120
Speaker 1: been carrying around with me for decades. And that's why

891
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 1: I fell apart. The way that I did so interesting,

892
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:05,719
Speaker 1: I think you know, I went through a similar breakup

893
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:11,000
Speaker 1: ten years ago actually, and um, it's so wild because

894
00:50:11,280 --> 00:50:15,640
Speaker 1: I completely lost myself in that relationship. I everything was

895
00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:18,480
Speaker 1: on his time. We did long distance for the last

896
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,960
Speaker 1: two years, and I was always traveling to him. I

897
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 1: was it was always everything was on his time. Right,

898
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:25,600
Speaker 1: I was going to quit my job. I was working

899
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:27,600
Speaker 1: for the morning show on Earth or and Seacrest as

900
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:29,319
Speaker 1: a producer at the time. I was going to quit

901
00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 1: moved to be with him, get married. Have you know

902
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,840
Speaker 1: the whole thing, imagine the whole thing. When that breakup happened,

903
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:38,120
Speaker 1: it was like the rug was pulled up from under me.

904
00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 1: I didn't know. I was like, I was gonna quit

905
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:42,880
Speaker 1: my job. Now I'm I'm still here, and like I

906
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 1: don't know what to do. When I had painted this

907
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:45,919
Speaker 1: whole picture of what my future was going to look

908
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:48,399
Speaker 1: like and it just completely changed. And I will never

909
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:53,200
Speaker 1: find I will never forget how my life trajectory changed

910
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,600
Speaker 1: in those six months. They put me on air for

911
00:50:55,680 --> 00:50:58,520
Speaker 1: the Morning Show, and like, my career took a complete

912
00:50:58,600 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 1: turn that I never would have maxed sspected. And I

913
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:02,719
Speaker 1: made a vow to myself, and I think that's why

914
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:04,879
Speaker 1: I stayed single for so long. I dated a ton

915
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:08,000
Speaker 1: of guys, but I was like, I will never lose

916
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:14,240
Speaker 1: myself in a relationship again, because that was so crazy

917
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:17,840
Speaker 1: to come back from. It was like I wasn't eating,

918
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: I wasn't like. It was like it was wild, you know.

919
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:25,879
Speaker 1: And I see you telling you too much of a

920
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 1: person to ever give yourself up. You've got too much energy.

921
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:34,960
Speaker 1: You have to have your own outlet in anything. And

922
00:51:35,680 --> 00:51:37,919
Speaker 1: I felt like I was. I was getting a good

923
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:39,480
Speaker 1: place in this last one that I was in, like

924
00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 1: I was. But I think the pandemic also kind of

925
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:45,600
Speaker 1: hit and it was easier to kind of channel that

926
00:51:45,800 --> 00:51:49,840
Speaker 1: energy into a person versus myself, you know. Yeah, And Tana,

927
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:52,000
Speaker 1: you bring up an important topic that I think a

928
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:56,239
Speaker 1: lot of people deal with disempowerment sneaks up on you

929
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:59,400
Speaker 1: like death by a thousand cuts. It's not like you

930
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: meet someone and then on day two you're like, you

931
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: know what, I'm just gonna merge into you, and my

932
00:52:03,640 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 1: identity is going to be you and all of my

933
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:08,560
Speaker 1: validation is going to become from you. Right. It starts

934
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:11,919
Speaker 1: off that first weekend You're like, you know what, I'm

935
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,600
Speaker 1: gonna just you know, I'm not going to see the

936
00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:16,520
Speaker 1: girls this weekend because he only has this or he

937
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:19,920
Speaker 1: or she has this, you know, availability on Saturday. And

938
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:21,560
Speaker 1: then the next weekend where you're like, you know what,

939
00:52:21,719 --> 00:52:25,480
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do that singing class, yoga, meditation thing

940
00:52:25,560 --> 00:52:27,920
Speaker 1: because you know this is he's really busy, and you know,

941
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:29,879
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna drive out to the suburbs to meet

942
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:32,759
Speaker 1: them this one time. Right, It's very slow, and it's

943
00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:37,279
Speaker 1: very gradual until enough times happens, each limit breach, each

944
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 1: boundary breach, each time you silence your truth, and you

945
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:43,040
Speaker 1: get to this point where the very foundation of the

946
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,840
Speaker 1: ground that you're standing on is based on someone else.

947
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,560
Speaker 1: And that's what happens to a lot of people who

948
00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 1: do have a lot of energy and passion. It happens

949
00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:55,759
Speaker 1: very slowly and gradually. Yeah, it was. It was I

950
00:52:55,760 --> 00:53:00,160
Speaker 1: will never forget that feeling and like really uh that

951
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:04,840
Speaker 1: like I will never lose myself in another human again.

952
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,719
Speaker 1: And it's actually funny because I did the reverse. So

953
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:10,680
Speaker 1: when I started dating again, it was like if somebody

954
00:53:10,680 --> 00:53:12,600
Speaker 1: asked me out to dinner at eight o'clock, I was like, oh,

955
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:14,000
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I work on the morning show. I

956
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:15,200
Speaker 1: have to be up at five am. If you want

957
00:53:15,239 --> 00:53:16,320
Speaker 1: to take me out, you can take me out of

958
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,640
Speaker 1: the sixth I was very like almost like putting my

959
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:21,839
Speaker 1: foot down in a in a more extreme way on

960
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:23,840
Speaker 1: that side, because I was like, I'm gonna now like

961
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:26,759
Speaker 1: make these people, these men respect me and my drive

962
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,319
Speaker 1: and my job and did it. So it was like

963
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:31,280
Speaker 1: I went through that whole journey for a few years

964
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: and then I finally kind of found a nice balance

965
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:40,000
Speaker 1: of making it, you know, like nice sometimes. Having been

966
00:53:40,040 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: on this planet considerably a lot longer than both of you,

967
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:47,480
Speaker 1: young beautiful women, I just feel that any time you

968
00:53:47,640 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 1: generalize with I am going to say this or I

969
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:55,480
Speaker 1: am going to do that, is gonna shoot you, you know,

970
00:53:55,600 --> 00:54:00,000
Speaker 1: in the foot, because every relationship with every different person,

971
00:54:00,360 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 1: even when you have children, they are different beings that

972
00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:07,200
Speaker 1: are also individual. And I think that you are smart

973
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:11,759
Speaker 1: enough to actually ascertain which direction and choice you take

974
00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:15,000
Speaker 1: as you go along the road, rather than say no, no,

975
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:17,640
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that again, because the next

976
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 1: relationship you have might be a thousand percent different. And

977
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:23,680
Speaker 1: I think you've just got the thing. I'm going to

978
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:27,399
Speaker 1: be me and I'm a bonus to somebody's life, and

979
00:54:27,480 --> 00:54:31,000
Speaker 1: you know it's it's not that cut and dried that

980
00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:33,440
Speaker 1: you can never say this is how it's going to be,

981
00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:35,719
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to do that again. I think

982
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:39,720
Speaker 1: you've just got to super very wise words of wisdom.

983
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:46,720
Speaker 1: I told you, Antaniel, so that you understand the actual

984
00:54:46,760 --> 00:54:50,080
Speaker 1: psychology of what happened was what happens is when we

985
00:54:50,160 --> 00:54:53,920
Speaker 1: get hurt, that we then learn a new coping mechanism,

986
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:56,960
Speaker 1: and so we adapt to that hurt by being like, Okay,

987
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna swing to the other side of the pendulum

988
00:54:59,520 --> 00:55:01,839
Speaker 1: and then now I'll built a wall and then you

989
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:04,520
Speaker 1: can't hurt me and do what that happen in the past.

990
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:08,200
Speaker 1: And so it seems like eventually you came back from

991
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:11,480
Speaker 1: that swing to that extreme to a balance of what

992
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:15,000
Speaker 1: feels authentically you for sure, for sure. But it's it

993
00:55:15,080 --> 00:55:18,080
Speaker 1: is interesting because I think, um, and we can actually

994
00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 1: talk about some of your some of the like the

995
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:23,720
Speaker 1: breakup boot camp rules, because like everybody has those things,

996
00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:26,440
Speaker 1: you know, they're like on follow him on Instagram and

997
00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:29,080
Speaker 1: block his number and do all these things. And I'm like,

998
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:32,480
Speaker 1: but that's not Tanya, Like, that's so the antithesis of me, Like,

999
00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:35,759
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not a blocker, I'm not a that's

1000
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,239
Speaker 1: just not me. And so it's like, I think you

1001
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,440
Speaker 1: kind of have to find out or figure out what's

1002
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:43,080
Speaker 1: best for you in every situation, and it's hard to

1003
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,120
Speaker 1: kind of necessarily follow specific rules, but there are some

1004
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:51,080
Speaker 1: general guidelines that are helpful, such as I know I've

1005
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 1: put one yea saying you're the most negative thing about him,

1006
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:59,480
Speaker 1: saying write down the things that you didn't like, thank

1007
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:02,480
Speaker 1: of all the negative things him sitting on the toilet,

1008
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,680
Speaker 1: not that I ever see that. With still kind of

1009
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:08,200
Speaker 1: quite um formal when it comes to that respect, and

1010
00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:10,640
Speaker 1: after thirty nine years, will still give each other a

1011
00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:13,960
Speaker 1: space in many but in that respect, yeah, you've always

1012
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,279
Speaker 1: got to keep that respect in relationship if it ever

1013
00:56:16,360 --> 00:56:18,359
Speaker 1: goes down that park, you need to stay stop right there.

1014
00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:21,480
Speaker 1: I'm not having this conversation. But I think sometimes if

1015
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:23,480
Speaker 1: you can write down all the things that irritate you

1016
00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 1: and keep them on your phone, and when you start

1017
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:29,640
Speaker 1: to lament over the good times, you can say, hold

1018
00:56:29,719 --> 00:56:32,920
Speaker 1: on a second, this was really annoying. You know, you

1019
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:35,319
Speaker 1: can kind of talk yourself into getting over them a

1020
00:56:35,320 --> 00:56:37,520
Speaker 1: little bit. But Amy, I want to hear your rules.

1021
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:40,399
Speaker 1: I want to hear Yeah. So at least so that's

1022
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,080
Speaker 1: a really great point. So for those who have a

1023
00:56:42,120 --> 00:56:46,239
Speaker 1: tendency to idolize or excess, having that list you go

1024
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:49,200
Speaker 1: back to will snap me back into reality in the

1025
00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:53,200
Speaker 1: present moment and the actual reasons why the relationship ended.

1026
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:58,240
Speaker 1: So for for other people who have a tendency to blame,

1027
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:01,480
Speaker 1: and you know, you might of experiences. You get together

1028
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:03,600
Speaker 1: with your friends and you're like, what a narciss of?

1029
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:06,359
Speaker 1: What a psychopath? And everyone kind of feeds each other

1030
00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:08,120
Speaker 1: and you feel great to the moment and we feel

1031
00:57:08,160 --> 00:57:11,359
Speaker 1: awful afterwards. So our number one rule at breakup boot

1032
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,480
Speaker 1: Camp is do not vilify your ex. Because here's the thing.

1033
00:57:14,800 --> 00:57:18,160
Speaker 1: If you are still blaming your ex, psychoanalyzing your ex,

1034
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:21,440
Speaker 1: hoping for your extra change. You are still in our

1035
00:57:21,480 --> 00:57:25,040
Speaker 1: relationship with your ex, and the emotional charge is keeping

1036
00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:28,880
Speaker 1: you hooked. And sometimes we hold onto the pain because

1037
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,280
Speaker 1: as is the last part of the relationship that we

1038
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:33,919
Speaker 1: got left. And so we don't understand that we by

1039
00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:38,040
Speaker 1: focusing our energy, by by hating on them, by abilifying them,

1040
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 1: we are detracting from our energy of moving ourselves forward.

1041
00:57:43,120 --> 00:57:46,200
Speaker 1: I agree with that. It's just everybody alays quoted me

1042
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:49,439
Speaker 1: in my show. I mean, you probably never watched by show,

1043
00:57:49,480 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 1: but Inbound Pomp rules when Stasi says, we at least

1044
00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:55,080
Speaker 1: say you hate me, and I'm like, you're not important

1045
00:57:55,200 --> 00:57:59,480
Speaker 1: enough to hate sit down, you know. It's just so

1046
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:03,360
Speaker 1: you know exactly, I've got to you know, I've got

1047
00:58:03,360 --> 00:58:08,760
Speaker 1: to unpack that emotional baggage, leave it there and not

1048
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:11,320
Speaker 1: take it with you. Imagine you're going on a trip

1049
00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:14,440
Speaker 1: with somebody you're dating, and you take, oh, your dirty

1050
00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 1: laundry with it, and you have to unpack it from them. No,

1051
00:58:17,920 --> 00:58:22,560
Speaker 1: it's a different relationship, it's a different situation, you know. Yeah.

1052
00:58:22,720 --> 00:58:26,720
Speaker 1: The page one accordingly, Yeah, And another thing I would

1053
00:58:26,720 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 1: say is how you the strategy you take after a

1054
00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:34,919
Speaker 1: breakup depends on what stage you're at. So Ryan, you're

1055
00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:37,480
Speaker 1: right out of a breakup, you are in the stage

1056
00:58:37,520 --> 00:58:41,480
Speaker 1: of shock and denial, and so it is really important

1057
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:45,320
Speaker 1: during the stage that you think of your X like

1058
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:48,600
Speaker 1: they're your drug dealer. And here's why, when you are

1059
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:51,480
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone, you have neural pathways that

1060
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:56,320
Speaker 1: have been wired together. After the breakup happens, even though

1061
00:58:56,320 --> 00:58:58,560
Speaker 1: you know on a cognitive level that it's over, your

1062
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:01,800
Speaker 1: body doesn't it is used to setting its doses of dopamine,

1063
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:05,440
Speaker 1: of oxytocin, of all those field good chemicals from this person,

1064
00:59:05,920 --> 00:59:07,520
Speaker 1: and it's like, what the hell is going on? Where

1065
00:59:07,600 --> 00:59:10,720
Speaker 1: is it? Give it to me? And your your body

1066
00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:13,760
Speaker 1: is craving that don't mean hit. So that's why you're like,

1067
00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:16,600
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm just gonna check your Instagram story. Oh,

1068
00:59:16,640 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna reread these text messages. It's your brain

1069
00:59:19,480 --> 00:59:23,800
Speaker 1: craving for that kind. The rereading the text messages is

1070
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:27,840
Speaker 1: the most Tanya move ever, Like literally, that is that

1071
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:31,000
Speaker 1: is me to achieved looking at photos, looking at old

1072
00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:34,439
Speaker 1: text messages. That's me. Yeah, and Tanya, when you do that,

1073
00:59:34,560 --> 00:59:37,280
Speaker 1: when you're you know, going down memory lane. You have

1074
00:59:37,320 --> 00:59:40,240
Speaker 1: to understand what's happening in your brain. You're seeing those

1075
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:44,040
Speaker 1: old neural pathways, you're strengthening those old neural pathways, and

1076
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:47,760
Speaker 1: you're not allowing you neural pathways to grow. That is

1077
00:59:47,880 --> 00:59:50,439
Speaker 1: why in the beginning, even though it might not feel

1078
00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 1: natural for you, it is important that you have some

1079
00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:56,600
Speaker 1: time and space to allow those old neural pathways to

1080
00:59:56,600 --> 00:59:59,880
Speaker 1: prune away. And I would recommend usually around sixty days.

1081
01:00:00,560 --> 01:00:03,120
Speaker 1: And you want to really create systems so that you're

1082
01:00:03,120 --> 01:00:06,760
Speaker 1: not craving, contacting your ex or thinking are they contacting

1083
01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:09,320
Speaker 1: me back? And that's why you might have heard the

1084
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:12,280
Speaker 1: advice of okay, just block them just for a period

1085
01:00:12,280 --> 01:00:15,640
Speaker 1: of time to allow yourself that time to have your

1086
01:00:15,680 --> 01:00:22,040
Speaker 1: brain recalibrate, so you know it's not an option, right right, Yeah, okay, okay,

1087
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,200
Speaker 1: I do like that. That is really good advice. Um,

1088
01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:27,760
Speaker 1: that's really opposite advice as to anything I would ever give.

1089
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:32,840
Speaker 1: So that's great. I think sometimes it's it's it's helpful

1090
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,160
Speaker 1: to understand what's actually going on in the brain and

1091
01:00:35,200 --> 01:00:37,440
Speaker 1: the body, right because if you're to be like just

1092
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,280
Speaker 1: don't contacting them, don't look at the pictures, I'd be

1093
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:42,640
Speaker 1: like screw you, I'm gonna do it. But when you understand, like, oh,

1094
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:45,960
Speaker 1: I'm not going crazy. That's why I'm getting this anxiety

1095
01:00:45,960 --> 01:00:48,360
Speaker 1: of wanting to reach out to pick up my phone.

1096
01:00:48,680 --> 01:00:52,280
Speaker 1: It's your brain craving chemicals. It's not because you're crazy.

1097
01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:55,240
Speaker 1: So when you understand that, I think it gives you.

1098
01:00:55,400 --> 01:00:57,600
Speaker 1: It arms you with the tools so that you can

1099
01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:02,360
Speaker 1: make choices that are empowering. Verse says toxic, Where are

1100
01:01:02,400 --> 01:01:06,720
Speaker 1: you now, Amy in your relationship status? You know, after

1101
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:10,320
Speaker 1: you kind of got over this relationship and the infant dolity,

1102
01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:13,680
Speaker 1: Where are you now that I'm in a really healthy

1103
01:01:13,680 --> 01:01:17,840
Speaker 1: partnership with someone and it's just a very different relationship.

1104
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:21,360
Speaker 1: I think most of my life I I dated people

1105
01:01:21,560 --> 01:01:24,760
Speaker 1: who mirrored the emotional experience I had with my father.

1106
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:28,600
Speaker 1: My father was very unavailable. I only got love when

1107
01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:30,720
Speaker 1: I got good grades, and I learned at a very

1108
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:34,160
Speaker 1: young age that love is earned and I'm not enough

1109
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:37,919
Speaker 1: as I am and so fast forward, I would choose

1110
01:01:38,040 --> 01:01:41,240
Speaker 1: men that were always too busy. I was tent on

1111
01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:44,080
Speaker 1: the priority list. They were charismatic, they were flying around

1112
01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:46,640
Speaker 1: the world, and I was like, oh, okay, just pick me,

1113
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:49,280
Speaker 1: Like if you picked me I'm special, and I didn't

1114
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:52,560
Speaker 1: recognize that the same emotional experience was repeating over and

1115
01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:56,680
Speaker 1: over again. I constantly felt anxiety. I never knew if

1116
01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,840
Speaker 1: the love was gonna last, if they're gonna be there

1117
01:01:59,360 --> 01:02:01,480
Speaker 1: and so. But I was like, no, there's no pattern

1118
01:02:01,520 --> 01:02:04,440
Speaker 1: because they look very different, but the emotional experience was

1119
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:07,480
Speaker 1: the same. And now that I'm in a healthy partnership,

1120
01:02:08,080 --> 01:02:11,240
Speaker 1: it's very different from what experience in the past. It's peaceful,

1121
01:02:11,720 --> 01:02:14,400
Speaker 1: it's not up and down, it's not intense. I'm not

1122
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:19,280
Speaker 1: guessing all the time if if my partner hass my back. Um,

1123
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:22,840
Speaker 1: And that's another thing that absolutely I agree with you.

1124
01:02:23,360 --> 01:02:26,680
Speaker 1: Having a partner that's supportive of you, that's really there

1125
01:02:26,680 --> 01:02:30,880
Speaker 1: and has your back speaks volumes to me. It really

1126
01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:34,160
Speaker 1: really does. So having somebody on my side, of course,

1127
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:36,280
Speaker 1: you're going to disagree with them, and you're going to

1128
01:02:36,360 --> 01:02:39,840
Speaker 1: have your challenges, but when you have somebody that's on

1129
01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:41,800
Speaker 1: your side, it means the world. You just feel so

1130
01:02:41,880 --> 01:02:46,920
Speaker 1: much stronger. Yeah, and I love that you say peaceful

1131
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,760
Speaker 1: because I think you know, that's something that I think

1132
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:52,439
Speaker 1: a lot of people struggle with, not necessarily in terms

1133
01:02:52,440 --> 01:02:55,960
Speaker 1: of relationships specifically, but just in life. I feel like

1134
01:02:56,160 --> 01:03:01,480
Speaker 1: peace is such a um it's such an unutilized word

1135
01:03:01,600 --> 01:03:03,960
Speaker 1: these days, because I think everybody right now is struggling

1136
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:08,320
Speaker 1: with anxiety and things which is all preconceived you know

1137
01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:12,560
Speaker 1: thoughts when peace is so important, and I feel like

1138
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:16,560
Speaker 1: that's the key. I think what everybody has been through

1139
01:03:16,600 --> 01:03:19,280
Speaker 1: in the last year, though, is so out of them,

1140
01:03:19,440 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 1: you know, realms of normalcy and normality is everything's been

1141
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:27,480
Speaker 1: pushed in in each direction. What are your thoughts about that?

1142
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:32,120
Speaker 1: Amy you can't react, I think, Um, you know so

1143
01:03:32,120 --> 01:03:35,920
Speaker 1: so many situations would react differently because of the isolation factor.

1144
01:03:36,080 --> 01:03:41,960
Speaker 1: And yeah, I mean the anxiety if you struggled with

1145
01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:44,560
Speaker 1: anxiety in the past, and um, if you have an

1146
01:03:44,600 --> 01:03:47,200
Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, Tanya, I don't know have you ever

1147
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:51,280
Speaker 1: explored attachment theory? I'm anxious attachment? Okay, So do you

1148
01:03:51,280 --> 01:03:52,760
Speaker 1: want me to just give a recap of what it

1149
01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:55,920
Speaker 1: is for listeners who might not know what attachment theory is? Yes, Actually,

1150
01:03:55,960 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 1: because I do want to add a podcast following. I

1151
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:02,440
Speaker 1: do want to dive into that those things because I'm

1152
01:04:02,480 --> 01:04:04,600
Speaker 1: i newly just found out I was anxious attachment and

1153
01:04:04,640 --> 01:04:06,720
Speaker 1: it was like it was like a key that I

1154
01:04:06,840 --> 01:04:12,160
Speaker 1: just opened and it was like yeah. So, attachment theory

1155
01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:14,520
Speaker 1: is basically the idea that by the age of around

1156
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:17,680
Speaker 1: two years old, we develop an attachment system which will

1157
01:04:17,680 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 1: pretty much determine how we relate romantically as adults. And

1158
01:04:21,160 --> 01:04:24,360
Speaker 1: there's three main types. Half the population falls under secure,

1159
01:04:24,560 --> 01:04:29,400
Speaker 1: meaning they're not afraid of intimacy. They're also not um codependent.

1160
01:04:30,160 --> 01:04:32,800
Speaker 1: When there's a problem, they're able to communicate their needs,

1161
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,560
Speaker 1: and these people have the strongest measures of success and

1162
01:04:36,600 --> 01:04:40,880
Speaker 1: happiness in their relationships. Now, the next type is avoidantly attached.

1163
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:46,040
Speaker 1: Those who have an avoidant attachment system subconsciously suppressed their attachment,

1164
01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,800
Speaker 1: meaning when someone gets a little bit too close, they

1165
01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:51,840
Speaker 1: will do what's called deactivating strategies. These are ways to

1166
01:04:51,920 --> 01:04:54,640
Speaker 1: push some away. That might mean you go on a

1167
01:04:54,760 --> 01:04:57,640
Speaker 1: romantic weekend with someone and instead of following up, they

1168
01:04:57,880 --> 01:04:59,800
Speaker 1: disappear for a week and they go in their cage.

1169
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:02,120
Speaker 1: This is the So Becca is who I do the

1170
01:05:02,120 --> 01:05:03,919
Speaker 1: podcast with, she's out of town this week, but she's

1171
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:07,360
Speaker 1: avoidant attachment. Okay, right at least, And then there's a

1172
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:10,120
Speaker 1: rationalization like no, no, no no, I just haven't met the one. No,

1173
01:05:10,280 --> 01:05:11,880
Speaker 1: just not the one, But no one's ever the one.

1174
01:05:11,880 --> 01:05:15,960
Speaker 1: There's always chasing a unicorn or even putting an ex

1175
01:05:16,040 --> 01:05:19,080
Speaker 1: on a pedestal. But there are people with impossible futures

1176
01:05:19,120 --> 01:05:22,360
Speaker 1: because this is a way of avoiding intimacy. Now the

1177
01:05:22,520 --> 01:05:26,040
Speaker 1: third type, which is what the population, this is what

1178
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:27,800
Speaker 1: I used to be, and it seems like what you

1179
01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:32,000
Speaker 1: are is anxiously attached. Anxiously attached have a fundamental fear

1180
01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:36,000
Speaker 1: of being abandoned or rejected, and so um when they

1181
01:05:36,080 --> 01:05:38,440
Speaker 1: don't hear back, say it takes you know, you text

1182
01:05:38,480 --> 01:05:40,360
Speaker 1: and it takes your the person you like four hours

1183
01:05:40,360 --> 01:05:43,120
Speaker 1: to taxied back. Instead of being like, oh, they're probably busy,

1184
01:05:43,560 --> 01:05:46,960
Speaker 1: you've now created a whole scenario of like, they don't

1185
01:05:47,040 --> 01:05:49,880
Speaker 1: like you, they are moved on, they're cheating, whatever it is,

1186
01:05:49,920 --> 01:05:52,240
Speaker 1: and you get this panic and then you'll do what's

1187
01:05:52,240 --> 01:05:55,720
Speaker 1: called protest behavior, meaning you might go call it crazy

1188
01:05:55,800 --> 01:05:58,000
Speaker 1: or show up that's what I used to do. Don't

1189
01:05:58,040 --> 01:06:01,800
Speaker 1: do that. As the part, you might swing to the

1190
01:06:01,840 --> 01:06:03,600
Speaker 1: other side of the pendulum and be like, you know what,

1191
01:06:03,640 --> 01:06:06,160
Speaker 1: it took you four hours, screw you, I'm gonna punish you.

1192
01:06:06,320 --> 01:06:08,480
Speaker 1: I'll take four days. See how you like it. Right,

1193
01:06:08,520 --> 01:06:11,520
Speaker 1: there's this kind of strategic counting down to the time

1194
01:06:12,280 --> 01:06:16,320
Speaker 1: and and basically, avoidance are drawn to anxious and anxious

1195
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:20,840
Speaker 1: are drawn to avoidance, and so they both reconfirm each

1196
01:06:20,840 --> 01:06:23,920
Speaker 1: other's world view. And here's the thing, whether you're anxiously

1197
01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:27,320
Speaker 1: attached or avoidance, there there are two different sides of

1198
01:06:27,360 --> 01:06:31,320
Speaker 1: the same coin. They are both fearing that intimacy is

1199
01:06:31,360 --> 01:06:35,440
Speaker 1: not safe. The anxious fears that intimacy will cause rejection

1200
01:06:35,960 --> 01:06:38,720
Speaker 1: and kind of pour salt on that abandonment wound, and

1201
01:06:38,760 --> 01:06:42,600
Speaker 1: the avoidant fears that intimacy will suffocate them and take

1202
01:06:42,640 --> 01:06:46,720
Speaker 1: away their freedom. Um, what would you say in parenting

1203
01:06:46,800 --> 01:06:50,440
Speaker 1: skills determines when you're at that very young age your

1204
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:54,400
Speaker 1: children which direction what do you think is the catalyst

1205
01:06:54,440 --> 01:06:59,520
Speaker 1: but you know resulting in and who we become. Yeah,

1206
01:06:59,520 --> 01:07:02,400
Speaker 1: that's a great questions. So some people be like, oh, well,

1207
01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:05,040
Speaker 1: my parents were great, but why do I have this

1208
01:07:05,080 --> 01:07:07,480
Speaker 1: anxious attachment style. It doesn't mean that you have bad

1209
01:07:07,480 --> 01:07:11,440
Speaker 1: parents or you know, bad intentioned parents. But when a

1210
01:07:11,560 --> 01:07:16,840
Speaker 1: parent can't read the cues of their child, that's when

1211
01:07:16,960 --> 01:07:19,160
Speaker 1: and sometimes this is from what how they learned when

1212
01:07:19,160 --> 01:07:22,600
Speaker 1: they were raised. Right. So the person the mother or

1213
01:07:22,640 --> 01:07:25,760
Speaker 1: the father that raises a child that becomes avoidant typically

1214
01:07:25,800 --> 01:07:30,280
Speaker 1: tends to smother the child or live vicariously through the child.

1215
01:07:30,960 --> 01:07:33,240
Speaker 1: And or there might have been, say a divorce in

1216
01:07:33,280 --> 01:07:36,720
Speaker 1: the family, and suddenly your son or your daughter, instead

1217
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:38,760
Speaker 1: of you know, being a child and being able to

1218
01:07:38,800 --> 01:07:42,560
Speaker 1: be a kid, becomes the therapist and you divulge the

1219
01:07:42,640 --> 01:07:45,040
Speaker 1: secrets and you go to them for therapy or talk

1220
01:07:45,400 --> 01:07:48,360
Speaker 1: you talked about, you know, the dad that's you know,

1221
01:07:48,520 --> 01:07:52,480
Speaker 1: drinking alcohol. And then that child grows up with the

1222
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,240
Speaker 1: subconscious belief that, oh, my gosh, intimacy, it's gonna smother me.

1223
01:07:56,320 --> 01:07:59,720
Speaker 1: It's it's gonna take away my freedom. And the parents

1224
01:07:59,760 --> 01:08:03,640
Speaker 1: who raises a childhood ends up being anxious, misreads and

1225
01:08:03,880 --> 01:08:08,440
Speaker 1: is inconsistent with caregiving, meaning sometimes they're they understand that

1226
01:08:08,480 --> 01:08:11,240
Speaker 1: the child is is hungry, or needs affection, or needs

1227
01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:13,520
Speaker 1: to be help, and sometimes or not so the child

1228
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:16,280
Speaker 1: learns at a very young age, I may not get

1229
01:08:16,280 --> 01:08:18,599
Speaker 1: my needs met, and to me, that is deaf. And

1230
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,759
Speaker 1: that is why when you grow up, not hearing back

1231
01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:24,439
Speaker 1: is a threat to the connection, and a threat to

1232
01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:28,599
Speaker 1: the connection raises up your nervous system as if you're

1233
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:30,760
Speaker 1: going to be attacked and you're going to die and

1234
01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:34,720
Speaker 1: that's why you feel the sense of panic. Yeah, can can?

1235
01:08:34,760 --> 01:08:38,120
Speaker 1: I ask you? So when you look at your parents

1236
01:08:38,640 --> 01:08:42,840
Speaker 1: marriage China and you Amy, do do you look at

1237
01:08:42,880 --> 01:08:45,479
Speaker 1: them and think I want to emulate that marriage, I

1238
01:08:45,560 --> 01:08:48,760
Speaker 1: want what they had, or because I know for me,

1239
01:08:49,040 --> 01:08:53,360
Speaker 1: my my mother dies, I say two years ago now,

1240
01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:56,640
Speaker 1: when I used to look at my parents marriage, it

1241
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:59,559
Speaker 1: was something that I didn't want. And I'm not saying

1242
01:08:59,560 --> 01:09:01,720
Speaker 1: they weren't happy in their own you know, they were

1243
01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:05,120
Speaker 1: married forever. I mean verse sixty something is, but the

1244
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:09,559
Speaker 1: bickering and the backwards and forwards, it was such a

1245
01:09:09,680 --> 01:09:13,640
Speaker 1: lesson to me about what I didn't want. And I

1246
01:09:13,640 --> 01:09:16,879
Speaker 1: think in life when people talk about perpetuating the cycle,

1247
01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:20,400
Speaker 1: you don't have to perpetuate the cycle. You can take

1248
01:09:20,439 --> 01:09:24,160
Speaker 1: the opposite turn. So for me, I never wanted bickering

1249
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:27,320
Speaker 1: in my house because I knew how that made me

1250
01:09:27,400 --> 01:09:30,880
Speaker 1: feel as a child. It made me feel anxious, saying

1251
01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:33,720
Speaker 1: the two kind of My parents were very young when

1252
01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:36,200
Speaker 1: they had us. They really you expect your parents to

1253
01:09:36,240 --> 01:09:40,120
Speaker 1: be these infallible human beings. But when they're only twenty

1254
01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:42,639
Speaker 1: five or whatever and they've had you, how can they

1255
01:09:42,680 --> 01:09:44,639
Speaker 1: know what they're doing. They're probably just doing the best

1256
01:09:44,680 --> 01:09:48,040
Speaker 1: they could. You know, Yeah, do you look at your

1257
01:09:48,080 --> 01:09:50,479
Speaker 1: parents marriage and think that's kind of marriage I want

1258
01:09:50,640 --> 01:09:54,640
Speaker 1: both of you? Uh, definitely not. My parents are in

1259
01:09:54,640 --> 01:09:58,160
Speaker 1: a very dysfunctional, codependent relationship and they're still together. They

1260
01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:01,280
Speaker 1: don't believe in divorce, and so there was so much

1261
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:05,599
Speaker 1: chaos as a child that I experienced, and um, yeah,

1262
01:10:05,640 --> 01:10:08,920
Speaker 1: I was my mother's therapist and I dealt with a

1263
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:14,400
Speaker 1: very unavailable, very explosive father, and so on a cognitive level,

1264
01:10:14,479 --> 01:10:16,000
Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, no, no, I don't want any

1265
01:10:16,040 --> 01:10:18,320
Speaker 1: of this. But here's a thing. A lot of our

1266
01:10:18,360 --> 01:10:22,320
Speaker 1: patterns come from very deeply subconscious beliefs, and so on

1267
01:10:22,360 --> 01:10:24,280
Speaker 1: a cognitive level, I'll be like, I don't want the

1268
01:10:24,360 --> 01:10:27,439
Speaker 1: unavailable person. No, But then I would be drawn and

1269
01:10:27,479 --> 01:10:31,800
Speaker 1: I would only feel chemistry with that unavailable person that

1270
01:10:31,840 --> 01:10:34,040
Speaker 1: could wound me in a very similar way to how

1271
01:10:34,080 --> 01:10:37,320
Speaker 1: I was wounded as a child. So it's interesting because

1272
01:10:37,640 --> 01:10:39,519
Speaker 1: full through the work that I've been doing with my therapist,

1273
01:10:39,560 --> 01:10:43,160
Speaker 1: I've figured out that my I wasn't mind and stem

1274
01:10:43,160 --> 01:10:46,160
Speaker 1: from so my my anxious attachment isn't so severe, like

1275
01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:50,240
Speaker 1: I'm not super super am I used to be securely attached,

1276
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:53,320
Speaker 1: and then that gnarly breakup that I had ten years

1277
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:55,920
Speaker 1: ago that came from nowhere, and did all of these

1278
01:10:55,960 --> 01:11:00,639
Speaker 1: things caused this knee jerk because it came out of nowhere,

1279
01:11:00,680 --> 01:11:03,240
Speaker 1: like it was so unexpected, and like, you know what

1280
01:11:03,280 --> 01:11:04,920
Speaker 1: I mean, Like your mind's going one way and then

1281
01:11:04,960 --> 01:11:07,400
Speaker 1: all of a sudden one day, it's like the bandaids

1282
01:11:07,479 --> 01:11:10,400
Speaker 1: ripped off. And so that caused me to create this

1283
01:11:10,640 --> 01:11:14,960
Speaker 1: spiral anxious attachment that I have. So it's not quite

1284
01:11:15,760 --> 01:11:18,479
Speaker 1: so ingrained. And with the work that I've been doing,

1285
01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:20,680
Speaker 1: I've been able to kind of I can kind of

1286
01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:22,840
Speaker 1: correct it, you know what I mean. So it's not

1287
01:11:23,520 --> 01:11:27,280
Speaker 1: it's still work on myself, but it's not deeply rooted.

1288
01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:31,080
Speaker 1: Does that mean yeah? But it still takes awareness, right,

1289
01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:33,639
Speaker 1: And I think Lisa, you made a great point. It's

1290
01:11:33,680 --> 01:11:37,040
Speaker 1: like when you don't have awareness, you're like, like, all

1291
01:11:37,080 --> 01:11:38,599
Speaker 1: these things are happening, I don't know why. But when

1292
01:11:38,640 --> 01:11:40,920
Speaker 1: you start have awareness like oh wait, this is a pattern, Wait,

1293
01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:43,160
Speaker 1: this isn't what I want, then you can kind of

1294
01:11:43,240 --> 01:11:45,599
Speaker 1: packed and make the choices and be empowered to make

1295
01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:48,760
Speaker 1: choices differently. So you've made that choice because you're in

1296
01:11:48,760 --> 01:11:52,360
Speaker 1: a relationship with somebody that clearly is the antithesis of

1297
01:11:52,439 --> 01:11:55,439
Speaker 1: your father and what you knew, and now you found

1298
01:11:55,439 --> 01:11:59,080
Speaker 1: happiness in that relationship. No. Yeah, and it takes a

1299
01:11:59,120 --> 01:12:01,640
Speaker 1: lot of work from you. Though. I recognize I had

1300
01:12:01,640 --> 01:12:04,760
Speaker 1: an anxious attachment style about five years ago, and I

1301
01:12:05,240 --> 01:12:08,080
Speaker 1: realized how it was I was sabotaging my relationships. It

1302
01:12:08,160 --> 01:12:10,720
Speaker 1: was from the people I chose to. Even when I

1303
01:12:10,760 --> 01:12:13,240
Speaker 1: was in something secure, I would sabotage it and create

1304
01:12:13,320 --> 01:12:16,960
Speaker 1: some sort of anxiety or catastrophe. And I was like,

1305
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:19,800
Speaker 1: if I don't figure this out, you know, I'm gonna

1306
01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:22,800
Speaker 1: keep continuing this. It's just, you know, the pattern is

1307
01:12:22,840 --> 01:12:24,800
Speaker 1: the same. There's a point when I have to stop

1308
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,519
Speaker 1: pointing the finger of the blame that all the people

1309
01:12:26,520 --> 01:12:29,400
Speaker 1: I'm dating and be like, wait, there's a pattern that's

1310
01:12:29,400 --> 01:12:34,200
Speaker 1: repeating here. That pattern is me. But also John, I feel,

1311
01:12:34,360 --> 01:12:38,640
Speaker 1: you know, when I look at young women today, you know,

1312
01:12:38,800 --> 01:12:42,920
Speaker 1: as they're kind of going through this ridiculous kind of

1313
01:12:44,439 --> 01:12:48,920
Speaker 1: m you know, all this white left shite, right, everything's disposable,

1314
01:12:49,320 --> 01:12:53,160
Speaker 1: people looking around the corner for something better. You know,

1315
01:12:53,240 --> 01:12:56,759
Speaker 1: it's much harder. But when you think of there's seven

1316
01:12:56,800 --> 01:13:00,439
Speaker 1: billion people on this planet. You cannot let one person

1317
01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:05,880
Speaker 1: to find your happiness. There's there's so many right there

1318
01:13:05,920 --> 01:13:09,000
Speaker 1: out there, There's so many people that you could just

1319
01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:12,639
Speaker 1: have an incredible relationship with. It's not just one person.

1320
01:13:13,400 --> 01:13:15,639
Speaker 1: There are so many people like you can have so

1321
01:13:15,680 --> 01:13:20,160
Speaker 1: many friends. You know, it's you cannot put the pressure

1322
01:13:20,200 --> 01:13:24,040
Speaker 1: on on that one person either. You know, it's just

1323
01:13:24,240 --> 01:13:27,000
Speaker 1: I think sexually as well, and people, you've got to

1324
01:13:27,080 --> 01:13:31,040
Speaker 1: take responsibility for your own happiness and for your own orgasm.

1325
01:13:31,080 --> 01:13:34,240
Speaker 1: And you're you know, you've got to think, Okay, this

1326
01:13:34,320 --> 01:13:36,640
Speaker 1: is what I need, and I'm going to find it

1327
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:40,479
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna get I'm a big component No, I

1328
01:13:40,520 --> 01:13:42,280
Speaker 1: don't know the word is, but I'm a big believer

1329
01:13:42,600 --> 01:13:47,240
Speaker 1: in masturbation. Yes, create your own pleasure practice. Well yeah,

1330
01:13:47,240 --> 01:13:49,519
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, figure out what it does, like, figure

1331
01:13:49,560 --> 01:13:51,960
Speaker 1: out what does for you, and then you need and

1332
01:13:52,200 --> 01:13:55,880
Speaker 1: and then you should you know, dictate that or give

1333
01:13:55,920 --> 01:14:00,839
Speaker 1: the directive to what you need physically and set. Another

1334
01:14:00,960 --> 01:14:03,040
Speaker 1: thing I find very disconcerting, and I have a lot

1335
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:05,679
Speaker 1: of young people working for me, is when they say,

1336
01:14:05,720 --> 01:14:07,720
Speaker 1: you know, they start dating and then they sit down

1337
01:14:07,760 --> 01:14:10,519
Speaker 1: and they play to a guy. Okay, you know what,

1338
01:14:10,720 --> 01:14:13,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to mess about, okay, because I'm in

1339
01:14:13,040 --> 01:14:15,559
Speaker 1: this and I'm gonna want kids soon, and I want

1340
01:14:15,560 --> 01:14:18,280
Speaker 1: to commission relationship. Even if somebody said that to me

1341
01:14:18,320 --> 01:14:21,719
Speaker 1: as a friend, I want to rob the hills let alone.

1342
01:14:21,840 --> 01:14:23,800
Speaker 1: If I was just a woman or a man, you know,

1343
01:14:23,960 --> 01:14:26,840
Speaker 1: just been faced with that. You've got to let things

1344
01:14:26,920 --> 01:14:30,080
Speaker 1: evolve and find their natural kind of I mean, I

1345
01:14:30,160 --> 01:14:32,960
Speaker 1: say that I've got engaged after six weeks because we

1346
01:14:32,960 --> 01:14:35,320
Speaker 1: were just so crazily in love. But I'm saying to

1347
01:14:35,360 --> 01:14:37,559
Speaker 1: put that pressure on. I don't want to mess about,

1348
01:14:37,640 --> 01:14:39,800
Speaker 1: and you need to know that back to me, is

1349
01:14:40,320 --> 01:14:43,559
Speaker 1: is so kind of scary and such an off putting

1350
01:14:43,960 --> 01:14:47,040
Speaker 1: kind of way to start a relationship. You know. Yeah,

1351
01:14:47,120 --> 01:14:51,920
Speaker 1: I turned that in my book called Conquesting. And that's

1352
01:14:52,000 --> 01:14:55,080
Speaker 1: when someone has an idea, they have a plan, right,

1353
01:14:55,160 --> 01:14:57,760
Speaker 1: whether it's get married or have a trophy wife, whatever

1354
01:14:57,800 --> 01:15:00,840
Speaker 1: it is, and they're like, who's gonna feel like you?

1355
01:15:01,120 --> 01:15:02,840
Speaker 1: I just want to fill you into this thing? And

1356
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:06,200
Speaker 1: you're not a human anymore. You're an object, a means

1357
01:15:06,240 --> 01:15:09,679
Speaker 1: to an end, and you feel that energy it is

1358
01:15:09,880 --> 01:15:12,439
Speaker 1: not an energy that's coming from love and abundance. It's

1359
01:15:12,479 --> 01:15:18,520
Speaker 1: coming from scarcity and it's very you feel disgusted, it's

1360
01:15:18,360 --> 01:15:21,240
Speaker 1: it's too much. And I think that's what a lot.

1361
01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:23,360
Speaker 1: I think that's what And I've honestly, I've seen it

1362
01:15:23,400 --> 01:15:25,280
Speaker 1: with friends of mine where they're just like, I want

1363
01:15:25,280 --> 01:15:26,960
Speaker 1: to have a baby, so I'm just gonna get on

1364
01:15:26,960 --> 01:15:29,000
Speaker 1: this like the first guy that I started dating, Like

1365
01:15:29,040 --> 01:15:32,160
Speaker 1: that's it. And I'm like, okay, but okay in ten years,

1366
01:15:32,200 --> 01:15:35,759
Speaker 1: like you're not gonna look good. But it's fine. Everybody

1367
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:39,439
Speaker 1: has to do their own thing, you know. Yeah. Um, okay, Amy,

1368
01:15:39,600 --> 01:15:41,760
Speaker 1: I am so grateful, Thank you so much for taking

1369
01:15:41,760 --> 01:15:44,519
Speaker 1: the time. Everybody you can check out, um. Breakup boot

1370
01:15:44,520 --> 01:15:47,040
Speaker 1: Camp is an actual retreat. Where can people find out

1371
01:15:47,080 --> 01:15:50,799
Speaker 1: about that? Yeah? Renew Breakup boot camp dot com has

1372
01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:54,400
Speaker 1: my retreat info and workshops. Yeah, where is it? Where

1373
01:15:54,840 --> 01:15:58,120
Speaker 1: is it is it? Where is the I host them

1374
01:15:58,240 --> 01:16:02,599
Speaker 1: both in uh in a retreat center in California and

1375
01:16:02,640 --> 01:16:05,200
Speaker 1: in upstate New York, And we're on pause right now

1376
01:16:05,200 --> 01:16:08,679
Speaker 1: because of the pandemic, but they'll be coming back soon. Wow. Okay,

1377
01:16:08,720 --> 01:16:10,920
Speaker 1: that's fascinating, isn't it? And how long did you have

1378
01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:14,000
Speaker 1: to spend them? Normally it's four days and I bring

1379
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:17,679
Speaker 1: in thirteen experts and there's an on site chef cooking

1380
01:16:17,680 --> 01:16:20,719
Speaker 1: all your nutritious meals, so you're you know, being fed well.

1381
01:16:20,760 --> 01:16:23,400
Speaker 1: And it's all about heart, mind, body, soul, right, because

1382
01:16:23,400 --> 01:16:26,479
Speaker 1: it's all connected. You can't just work just on therapy.

1383
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:28,400
Speaker 1: You have to work on like how do you move

1384
01:16:28,479 --> 01:16:31,080
Speaker 1: this old trauma and emotions to the body. So that's

1385
01:16:31,080 --> 01:16:33,280
Speaker 1: why we have a range of like you know, from

1386
01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:38,080
Speaker 1: the scientific to the metaphysical to the spiritual and different experts.

1387
01:16:38,080 --> 01:16:41,840
Speaker 1: Fascinating and I think that sounds incredible actually that yeah,

1388
01:16:41,840 --> 01:16:45,440
Speaker 1: I should just get you over the hump, you know, yeah,

1389
01:16:45,439 --> 01:16:47,760
Speaker 1: for sure. And then the book also, everybody you can

1390
01:16:47,800 --> 01:16:51,120
Speaker 1: check that out. It's on Amazon. It's called Breakup boot Camp.

1391
01:16:51,160 --> 01:16:53,599
Speaker 1: Amy Champ, thank you so much for taking the time.

1392
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,960
Speaker 1: Actually really appreciate it. This was so fun. Thanks so

1393
01:16:57,040 --> 01:17:03,559
Speaker 1: much as buying. Wow, that was something the only bit

1394
01:17:03,640 --> 01:17:06,240
Speaker 1: I really wanted to know even more about that we

1395
01:17:06,280 --> 01:17:09,160
Speaker 1: didn't ask us what about the dominatrix? Can you imagine

1396
01:17:09,240 --> 01:17:14,880
Speaker 1: so your next relationship? We're like, okay, the interesting thing,

1397
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:17,160
Speaker 1: but she said it's about power, and I do think

1398
01:17:17,240 --> 01:17:22,479
Speaker 1: that in a lot of relationships there is when the

1399
01:17:22,520 --> 01:17:27,400
Speaker 1: power is mostly on one end. It never works. You

1400
01:17:27,520 --> 01:17:32,639
Speaker 1: really do need a balance of power, absolutely, I think

1401
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:35,200
Speaker 1: so I think I should go out and buy some

1402
01:17:35,280 --> 01:17:37,200
Speaker 1: thigh boots and a whip and beat the ship out

1403
01:17:37,200 --> 01:17:42,360
Speaker 1: of him when he gets home. Yeah there, Lisa, this

1404
01:17:42,439 --> 01:17:44,559
Speaker 1: is this is the end of our podcast. I want

1405
01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:46,719
Speaker 1: you to have some time so you can tell everybody

1406
01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:49,280
Speaker 1: where they can follow you, listen to your just give

1407
01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,559
Speaker 1: us all all the details and everything great that's going

1408
01:17:51,560 --> 01:17:53,840
Speaker 1: on with it. Gosh, well, I'm on all things ban

1409
01:17:53,960 --> 01:17:56,840
Speaker 1: the pump and cast media. You can download it on YouTube.

1410
01:17:57,280 --> 01:17:59,240
Speaker 1: I've just had a great time doing this. But you know,

1411
01:17:59,360 --> 01:18:03,200
Speaker 1: I loved talking to people, so for me, it's been fascinating.

1412
01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:05,719
Speaker 1: I have to say I'm very interesting to talk about

1413
01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:08,960
Speaker 1: relationships and things like that. But my podcast has been

1414
01:18:09,080 --> 01:18:12,679
Speaker 1: very diverse in terms of people from all different aspects

1415
01:18:12,680 --> 01:18:15,000
Speaker 1: of life, which has been quite incredible. But I find

1416
01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:19,040
Speaker 1: I'm ending up now talking more about relationships and and

1417
01:18:19,400 --> 01:18:22,960
Speaker 1: and listening to people's problems. I think having been through,

1418
01:18:23,360 --> 01:18:26,479
Speaker 1: you know, so many years of business and being a

1419
01:18:26,560 --> 01:18:30,000
Speaker 1: mother and being a wife and a businesswoman, I probably

1420
01:18:30,040 --> 01:18:32,640
Speaker 1: have got some few things. But I'm talking about that

1421
01:18:32,680 --> 01:18:34,880
Speaker 1: in my books too, So as soon as I kind

1422
01:18:34,880 --> 01:18:37,439
Speaker 1: of finished my last chapter. I'll try and get that

1423
01:18:37,479 --> 01:18:41,080
Speaker 1: one out, so that'll be probably what once you finish it,

1424
01:18:41,080 --> 01:18:43,519
Speaker 1: it's probably like six months told out. I'm a little

1425
01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:46,920
Speaker 1: bit behind because I've been so busy, but yeah, probably,

1426
01:18:47,040 --> 01:18:49,240
Speaker 1: But it's it's a book I'm trying to write that.

1427
01:18:49,880 --> 01:18:52,760
Speaker 1: It is a book that I think I would have,

1428
01:18:53,280 --> 01:18:55,439
Speaker 1: you know, I want to give to my daughter or

1429
01:18:55,479 --> 01:18:59,160
Speaker 1: while my daughters having married. But it's I often look

1430
01:18:59,200 --> 01:19:01,720
Speaker 1: at things in life and think what would I tell

1431
01:19:01,760 --> 01:19:05,839
Speaker 1: my daughter, you know, when you really care about somebody. Um,

1432
01:19:05,880 --> 01:19:08,200
Speaker 1: And it's a I think I wish I would have

1433
01:19:08,200 --> 01:19:11,599
Speaker 1: read when I was a teenager. You know. That's awesome. Well,

1434
01:19:11,600 --> 01:19:13,639
Speaker 1: we'll be looking forward to it. You can definitely when

1435
01:19:13,680 --> 01:19:15,320
Speaker 1: that book comes out, you can come back on the

1436
01:19:15,360 --> 01:19:19,000
Speaker 1: podcast and talk all about it. Send you lots of love, Darling.

1437
01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,800
Speaker 1: You're a gorgeous Thank you so much. Ever forget that.

1438
01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:25,519
Speaker 1: Thank you You're the best. All right, Bye Darling, Bye bye.

1439
01:19:25,560 --> 01:19:26,400
Speaker 1: Lisa hy