Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce
Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever. You can
Speaker 1: see my on Purpose podcast live and in person. Join
Speaker 1: me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations
Speaker 1: with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert,
Speaker 1: or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences
Speaker 1: designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections.
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on
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Speaker 2: Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2: We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
Speaker 1: Do you believe that there's right person, wrong time.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, It's not as simple as oh, we love each other.
Speaker 2: Everything's supposed to work perfectly. Love is one thing. Relationship
Speaker 2: is another.
Speaker 1: One of the most sought after relationship coaches in.
Speaker 2: The world, the most popular voice in the relationship education space,
Speaker 2: Stefan speaks to you right now.
Speaker 1: In dating, men have a bad reputation.
Speaker 2: Is it fair, completely unfair when she goes on that
Speaker 2: date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong,
Speaker 2: she may leave out parts of what she did to
Speaker 2: contribute to the problem. I think people are not having
Speaker 2: success in dating because people are not accepting who.
Speaker 3: They are first like that.
Speaker 2: There are things about us we know, but society makes
Speaker 2: us feel shamed about it.
Speaker 1: How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate.
Speaker 2: My initial response is gonna be you don't communicate with
Speaker 2: them at all.
Speaker 3: You let them go.
Speaker 2: But if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems,
Speaker 2: things that need to be addressed.
Speaker 3: If we can't discuss it, how can we fix it.
Speaker 3: We base our.
Speaker 2: Perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables.
Speaker 2: I always say the way to determine how serious someone
Speaker 2: is about you is.
Speaker 3: The number one health and wellness podcast Shetty.
Speaker 1: Ja Shetty Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the
Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world where you come
Speaker 1: to listen, learn and grow. Thank you to all of
Speaker 1: you who made us one of the top global shows
Speaker 1: on Spotify wrapped. If you've been listening on there, I
Speaker 1: am so deeply grateful to you. It was amazing to
Speaker 1: see that connection with all of you. And today we
Speaker 1: have back the biggest episode, the biggest guest of the
Speaker 1: last twelve months on YouTube, someone you love, someone you
Speaker 1: love to learn from, who has so much great insights,
Speaker 1: so much great wisdom, so many great tools. And what
Speaker 1: we both loved is that it was a deep, meaningful
Speaker 1: conversation that you all connected with. Please welcome back to
Speaker 1: on Purpose. Stefan speaks, Stefan, it is great to have
Speaker 1: you here, Glad. Honestly, like we were just talking about it,
Speaker 1: I was so happy to see that a non clickbait conversation,
Speaker 1: a non kind of engine needed conversation. It was actually
Speaker 1: the first time.
Speaker 3: We met, yeah, exactly, and.
Speaker 1: We just got into it and the audience in community responded.
Speaker 1: It was beautiful to see. So thank you for doing
Speaker 1: this again. Absolutely, man, all right, I want to dive
Speaker 1: straight in like we Digitous do it. I want to
Speaker 1: dive straight in. What are the biggest issues that men
Speaker 1: and women are facing when trying to meet the right
Speaker 1: people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person.
Speaker 2: I think one of the biggest issues we have in
Speaker 2: this world right now is we are refusing to accept
Speaker 2: the differences between the average man and the average woman. Now,
Speaker 2: I say the average man average women, because I understand
Speaker 2: our exceptions to every rule, nothing applied to one hundred percent. However,
Speaker 2: we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're
Speaker 2: going to have conflict in relationships. So one that comes
Speaker 2: to mind, and I don't know this, this one I was
Speaker 2: recently talking about. There's this push that people want to
Speaker 2: say women want sex as much as men, right, that
Speaker 2: they want to just as match. That's an absolute lie. Okay,
Speaker 2: as far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true. Now,
Speaker 2: I was at a conference, well not a conference I
Speaker 2: was once flown into. It was one of those dating
Speaker 2: sites they had. They brought a few experts in. They
Speaker 2: had this presentation and there was a scientist who brought
Speaker 2: out this study that showed that quote unquote, women want
Speaker 2: sex as much as men. And I told her, I said,
Speaker 2: I think there's something wrong here. I think what the
Speaker 2: study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex, and the
Speaker 2: reality is that women want intimacy. Okay, if I always say,
Speaker 2: if you had door number one, door number two, door
Speaker 2: number one is just straight sex. Doing number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy,
Speaker 2: All that the majority of women are choosing door number two.
Speaker 2: The majority of men are choosing door number one. The
Speaker 2: reason why this is so important to accept, and this
Speaker 2: is just one example of the built in differences of.
Speaker 3: Who we are that we've got to learn to.
Speaker 2: Just accept it is because now if a man gets
Speaker 2: with a woman being told we are the same, we
Speaker 2: want sex the same way, he does not understand how
Speaker 2: to speak to her in a way that makes her sex.
Speaker 3: She res to him. He thinks, oh, if we just
Speaker 3: like sex, we like sex.
Speaker 2: If your honey, your horney, that's it and the story,
Speaker 2: and no, for the majority of women, there is a
Speaker 2: mental and emotional component you have to be aware of.
Speaker 2: If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed,
Speaker 2: if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire
Speaker 2: or willingness to engage sexually. So by feeding this narrative
Speaker 2: that we are the same in all these ways, we
Speaker 2: are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences,
Speaker 2: and speak to those differences, which will then allow us
Speaker 2: to have more harmony in relationships. And I feel that
Speaker 2: if we could do that and really respect the other
Speaker 2: gender's position on things. And of course you don't go
Speaker 2: in just assuming all these generalized things apply to each person,
Speaker 2: but they can be your basic foundation and then you
Speaker 2: learn that individual and understand, okay, well, with her, maybe
Speaker 2: she does want sex more than I do, right, Or
Speaker 2: with this one, maybe she wants a little bit more
Speaker 2: at this open and you are flexible. But I think
Speaker 2: if people took that approach, they would have better dating experiences,
Speaker 2: better relationships, much better marriages.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: Because I can't tell you how many times I was
Speaker 2: spoken to a husband and I was like, listen, emotionally, mentally,
Speaker 2: she's not in the right place, and he's like, that
Speaker 2: sounds stupid.
Speaker 3: That doesn't say exactly.
Speaker 2: And because and I have to say to the women,
Speaker 2: some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating,
Speaker 2: she doesn't talk about.
Speaker 3: Those things being important to her.
Speaker 2: She kind of plays along with the all right, she
Speaker 2: just wants sex that much and she's just ready to
Speaker 2: go at it with him, so he never learns and understands, no,
Speaker 2: she needs more than that, all right, So we can Again,
Speaker 2: there's so many different examples I could give, but I
Speaker 2: do think one of the key things to people not
Speaker 2: just meeting them. And I'll say I'll I'll get to
Speaker 2: that in a second, but one of the key things
Speaker 2: to mean the right person is just respecting the differences
Speaker 2: of men and women. Now, piggy backing off of that,
Speaker 2: the second thing is I think people are not having
Speaker 2: success in dating because people are not accepting who they
Speaker 2: are first.
Speaker 3: All right, Now, a lot.
Speaker 2: Of people may say you have to learn who you
Speaker 2: are or to figure it out.
Speaker 3: I think a lot of life is accepting who we are.
Speaker 2: I like that there are things about us we know,
Speaker 2: but society makes us feel shamed about it, tells us
Speaker 2: there's something wrong with this, you know, And so now
Speaker 2: we run away from certain realities of who we are.
Speaker 2: One example I give for myself, I'm extremely ambitious. Maybe
Speaker 2: two ambitious. I don't know if there's a such thing,
Speaker 2: but I'm very, very ambitious. And for me, I'm always
Speaker 2: striving for the next I gotta do more, I gotta
Speaker 2: do more. I gotta conquer the next thing. But for
Speaker 2: a long time I was told this was bad. Oh
Speaker 2: you need to just enjoy the moment, celebrate it, stop
Speaker 2: worrying about the next thing. All these things, and I
Speaker 2: remember I took a month where I said, Okay, you
Speaker 2: know what, I'm not gonna pursue anything else, I'm just
Speaker 2: gonna rest in what I have be happy with it.
Speaker 2: And it was one of my most depressed months in
Speaker 2: my life.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 2: I felt like a newter dog. It was like you
Speaker 2: took all the fire out of me. And when I
Speaker 2: finally got to a place of accepting, Okay, this is
Speaker 2: who I am, and I'm wired this way for a reason.
Speaker 2: God created me this way because there's a purpose for
Speaker 2: me to carry out. How that then opens up the
Speaker 2: dating or how that creates better dating experiences that now,
Speaker 2: by me knowing this part of me and accepting it,
Speaker 2: I understand, I can only choose someone who aligns.
Speaker 3: With that, you see.
Speaker 2: But if I'm sitting here trying to be something i'm not,
Speaker 2: then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me,
Speaker 2: and I don't fit them. And that's why you have
Speaker 2: these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up
Speaker 2: five years later from this fog, this excitement they had
Speaker 2: of their partner to finally see what's really there. And
Speaker 2: it's like, we don't really like each other, or we
Speaker 2: don't get along, or we don't really fit well together,
Speaker 2: and we're constantly in conflict with each other. So if
Speaker 2: we would just first really put more energy into understanding
Speaker 2: who we are, accepting who we are, and then we
Speaker 2: can then realize who we need to pick that alignance
Speaker 2: with that that would change the landscape. And not only
Speaker 2: would that change the landscape for so many people, it
Speaker 2: would allow us to stop letting situations drag on longer
Speaker 2: than they should. Because a lot of people, they meet someone,
Speaker 2: they really like them, but they can sense something's missing
Speaker 2: or something's off. But the problem with people is that
Speaker 2: they're being told if you have this great person, you
Speaker 2: can't pass that up.
Speaker 3: You see, if you don't.
Speaker 2: Have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid,
Speaker 2: oh well, then you're being stupid or being ridiculous. It's like, no,
Speaker 2: you have to trust your spirit, trust your intuition. Something
Speaker 2: is telling you and it's probably something that you can see,
Speaker 2: but maybe you can't articulate it, or again you don't
Speaker 2: feel like it's valid enough.
Speaker 3: But I can tell you.
Speaker 2: From my position, those little things is what turns into
Speaker 2: a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship.
Speaker 1: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, And a third one that doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be.
Speaker 2: But I would say this, so you know, we said
Speaker 2: understand the differences understand yourself, and the third one would
Speaker 2: be healing. I have to always mention that because I
Speaker 2: believe the number one issue that people are facing is
Speaker 2: a lack of healing, and that plays into figuring yourself
Speaker 2: out because again, you if you are operating out of
Speaker 2: a place of fear or shame, or you've been told
Speaker 2: you weren't good enough, or something about you wasn't good
Speaker 2: even though that wasn't the case, well, that's going to
Speaker 2: make you struggle with embracing that, right. And if you
Speaker 2: aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of
Speaker 2: relationships love because a lot of people with their words
Speaker 2: say I want love, but in reality, they're scared of
Speaker 2: it all right. They fear being that vulnerable, so they
Speaker 2: actually subconsciously choose partners who don't make them too vulnerable,
Speaker 2: but they're good enough to be with, so to speak,
Speaker 2: which is what I call the safe choice. Some people
Speaker 2: hear me say the same choice, and they miss understand
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. I'm not saying safe as in this
Speaker 2: person creates a place of safety for you. I'm saying
Speaker 2: this person doesn't take you to the true level of love,
Speaker 2: true vulnerability you're able to have emotional control and manage
Speaker 2: the situation. But because of that, you're never choosing someone
Speaker 2: you're really into, and you can never be what they
Speaker 2: really need either, And at some point it's going to
Speaker 2: fall all apart. But it all goes back to healing.
Speaker 2: We've got to heal, and not just heal from the
Speaker 2: romantic relationships, from childhood, trauma, from everything, because it all
Speaker 2: contributes to our struggle to connect with other individuals.
Speaker 1: A man, you said so many interesting things. I need
Speaker 1: to like dissact now. So the first thing that came
Speaker 1: to my mind, especially about the accepting yourself, which I
Speaker 1: really like that idea of, rather than trying to just
Speaker 1: learn about yourself or rather than trying to transform yourself,
Speaker 1: there's an acceptance like who am I? Why am I
Speaker 1: this way? What does that mean? And I feel like
Speaker 1: in relationships, people looking for someone who perfectly compliments them
Speaker 1: or perfectly fits them, as opposed to this idea that, oh,
Speaker 1: that person accepts me for who I am and allows
Speaker 1: me to be who I am. So I always say this,
Speaker 1: I'm similar to you. I'm highly ambitious, really driven, love
Speaker 1: what I get to do. I would be the same
Speaker 1: as you if I took a mol like, I get that,
Speaker 1: like I relate to all of those things, and my
Speaker 1: wife is so much more like a family person like
Speaker 1: quality Time. Wants to be ambitious, but she also wants
Speaker 1: to be present and all the rest of it right,
Speaker 1: and we are not a perfect fit in that sense,
Speaker 1: But the reason it works for us is because she
Speaker 1: allows me to be me and I allow her to
Speaker 1: be her. I've accepted who I am and I know
Speaker 1: what that means, and she accepts me and I accept
Speaker 1: her back. So if I say to her, hey, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm going to come to that family
Speaker 1: event because I got this work thing that I really
Speaker 1: want to get to, she accepts her. She's okay with that.
Speaker 1: And if she said to me, I don't really want
Speaker 1: to come up to you that business thing that you've
Speaker 1: got today, I really want to just spend time with
Speaker 1: my family, I'll be like cool. I get it, And
Speaker 1: I feel like we're just looking for someone who kind
Speaker 1: of wants to do the thing we want to do
Speaker 1: with us all the time. But then you start realizing
Speaker 1: it becomes about one person. But talking about ambition, I
Speaker 1: wanted to ask you, do you think that men today
Speaker 1: are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women.
Speaker 2: Yes, but so okay, I guess the reason why I'm
Speaker 2: hesitating in the way I answer that is when you
Speaker 2: say men today, because I would argue it's probably always
Speaker 2: been like that. I just think that there's more ambitious
Speaker 2: women now, and so there is this disconnect there. And
Speaker 2: I think that the disconnect, though, isn't simply based off
Speaker 2: of men not wanting an ambitious woman. I think we
Speaker 2: got to go a lot deeper than that.
Speaker 1: Let's do it.
Speaker 2: And the unfortunate reality is that, and I want women
Speaker 2: to understand. You know, again, I recognize that there are
Speaker 2: some women who genuinely are wired that way, all right.
Speaker 2: They it feeds them the same way it feeds us.
Speaker 2: It feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff.
Speaker 2: And I'm a firm believer. I want women to walk
Speaker 2: in their truth, whatever it is. I will say, though,
Speaker 2: there's a segment, at least a segment, a large segment
Speaker 2: of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or
Speaker 2: even fear. They've been told never rely on the man.
Speaker 2: They've been told you have to take care of yourself, right,
Speaker 2: and so with that they chase this career, but it's
Speaker 2: actually at conflict with who they really are because deep
Speaker 2: inside they actually are the women that values the family
Speaker 2: time more being at the home, and there's nothing wrong
Speaker 2: with that, but they have a segment of society telling them, oh,
Speaker 2: you can't do that's wrong. You need to be out
Speaker 2: there strong women to do your own thing. And so
Speaker 2: those women will have a conflict in data because they're
Speaker 2: already at conflict with themselves, okay, and that has to
Speaker 2: be corrected. I always encourage women like, listen, be real
Speaker 2: with yourself. There's a lot of women who they do
Speaker 2: the work that they do not because they love the
Speaker 2: work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle
Speaker 2: that affords them okay, which is why for many of them,
Speaker 2: whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date
Speaker 2: a man who's making less right, well, part of it
Speaker 2: is because in the back of her mind, if she
Speaker 2: has a dream of one day being able to leave work,
Speaker 2: she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up, okay,
Speaker 2: and if he's making less well, then in her mind,
Speaker 2: how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and
Speaker 2: maintain him It's like, no, he's got to be making
Speaker 2: as much or if not more, so I can keep
Speaker 2: this life that I've built for myself and I love
Speaker 2: very much. But again, I think it all starts with understanding, Okay,
Speaker 2: is this really who you are or not? Now going
Speaker 2: back to the men, I do think there is a
Speaker 2: struggle with a lot of men. One of the things
Speaker 2: that at least it comes to mind first for me,
Speaker 2: the issue.
Speaker 3: Of low testos wrong.
Speaker 2: And so I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue,
Speaker 2: and I do want men to understand it's deeper than
Speaker 2: just testosterone, because sometimes we're so fixed. Like you could
Speaker 2: have high testosterone, but if your quartersole levels are too high,
Speaker 2: your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly. Your stress
Speaker 2: is blocking it, if your vitamin D is too low,
Speaker 2: if you're be too there's other things that can throw
Speaker 2: it off. So don't think of life as let me
Speaker 2: just fix my testosterone and that's it.
Speaker 3: But that could be a huge game changer for out
Speaker 3: of men.
Speaker 2: So if you have a man who's already because I
Speaker 2: always say some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy, all right.
Speaker 2: And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone,
Speaker 2: his ability to handle embrace respect and ambitious. It's going
Speaker 2: to be a struggle in some ways. Well, it'll be
Speaker 2: a struggle in the sense that it might make him
Speaker 2: feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with
Speaker 2: that ambition. However, I would argue that some of those men,
Speaker 2: a lot of those men, probably want the ambitious woman
Speaker 2: simply because for him, I need somebody who can carry
Speaker 2: the load, okay, And if she's gonna come into my
Speaker 2: life and stabilize.
Speaker 3: Me, then great.
Speaker 2: The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want
Speaker 2: that man.
Speaker 3: She's probably in.
Speaker 2: Most cases looking for a man who is also ambitious.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: And this is where the disconnect comes, because now it's
Speaker 2: kind of like the whole discussion of having two alphas
Speaker 2: in a relationship, two very strong personalities. There's no real
Speaker 2: balance there, okay. And for a lot of women, what
Speaker 2: they're overlooking is what most men value, or at least
Speaker 2: most men who are ambitious themselves, who do take care
Speaker 2: of themselves. They're looking for a compliment to that. They're
Speaker 2: looking for someone who can love them, pour into them,
Speaker 2: you know, contribute to a peaceful environment. He doesn't care
Speaker 2: about your money and your ambition as much.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: But the guy who doesn't have for himself, Well, he's
Speaker 2: gonna put more value on those things, and it becomes
Speaker 2: this mismatch of individuals. So a lot of these women
Speaker 2: who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man.
Speaker 2: They're struggling to get the type of men they desire,
Speaker 2: all right. And again, as I said earlier about how
Speaker 2: we focus on the desirables not the non desirables. When
Speaker 2: she says I can't meet anyone, she's not literally saying
Speaker 2: I can't meet any man. She's just saying I'm not
Speaker 2: meeting anyone I actually like and want to pay attention to.
Speaker 3: So in her mind, I'm not.
Speaker 2: Meeting anyone, you see. And so there is a problem
Speaker 2: with a lot of men. And I do think again,
Speaker 2: I would pose the question to a lot of women,
Speaker 2: are you going to be happy in the long run
Speaker 2: in that kind of a dynamic? You know, is that
Speaker 2: really going to serve you? Or is that a right
Speaker 2: now in the moment thing. Because there's a lot of
Speaker 2: ambitious women who accepted maybe the less ambitious man right
Speaker 2: because he thinks, all right, well, he loves me is
Speaker 2: going to you know, he'll be there for me. I
Speaker 2: can trust this relationship but in over time she becomes
Speaker 2: frustrated with him. You know, he doesn't take initiative. He's
Speaker 2: not as asserative as she wants him to be. He
Speaker 2: doesn't exude the same level of mask andrew that she
Speaker 2: desires for a man, and that will take its toll
Speaker 2: and eventually it will probably blow up the whole relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's it's a tough situation to be in
Speaker 1: because you just don't have any idea where things are
Speaker 1: going to go right. You don't know, Like I always
Speaker 1: say that when my wife met me, I was in
Speaker 1: debt and had no job, and she was, you know,
Speaker 1: wonderful enough to be in love with me in that
Speaker 1: place in my life, and we didn't know that things
Speaker 1: were ever going to change. But she was kind of like,
Speaker 1: as long as we're stable and you find a job
Speaker 1: and we're good, then things will be great. And I
Speaker 1: remember that giving me a lot of confidence, Like even
Speaker 1: though I was in such a like place of like
Speaker 1: I remember, I was getting rejected from companies. I wasn't
Speaker 1: getting any jobs because I just left the monastery, like
Speaker 1: I wasn't. It was really tough getting back from the work,
Speaker 1: but her being there it kind of gave me confidence
Speaker 1: in myself and kind of made me go, oh wow, Well,
Speaker 1: if a woman like that can, you know, believe enough
Speaker 1: to be with a man like me, then then I've
Speaker 1: got to work for it now. And I think the
Speaker 1: key is are you willing to do that in a
Speaker 1: way that gives someone confidence or are you someone who
Speaker 1: gets so affected by it? Well, no matter where gender
Speaker 1: you are, well you're now making the other person feel
Speaker 1: bad for it. Right, whatever gender you are, if you're
Speaker 1: always like, oh, come on, you're just lazy, Come on,
Speaker 1: you need to do more. If you feel that way
Speaker 1: about your partner, chances are that that's going to push
Speaker 1: them away, not motivate them to do better.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But I think what has to be considered in
Speaker 2: like using your situation as example, is that she didn't
Speaker 2: have to create ambition in you. She activated it, she
Speaker 2: energized it, okay, but it already existed with her to you.
Speaker 2: So for her it was very fortunate that thing said,
Speaker 2: she found a man who actually wanted to make more
Speaker 2: of himself. The unfortunate reality is that there's a lot
Speaker 2: of women who will take that approach with a man
Speaker 2: and believe that Okay, if I love on him and
Speaker 2: point into him, this will get him to step up,
Speaker 2: and it's like, no, he does not have it in him,
Speaker 2: and nothing you can do. Like, when you think about it,
Speaker 2: anyone who's successful has had experiences where whether it be friends, family,
Speaker 2: or random people, where you've tried to help someone and
Speaker 2: no matter what you.
Speaker 3: Gave, you can give them the whole blueprint, right, you can.
Speaker 2: Fund them, you can do everything, and it still becomes
Speaker 2: nothing because it's just not in them. We cannot make
Speaker 2: them into something that they're not. So I think it's
Speaker 2: important that for a woman, if you're gonna take that approach,
Speaker 2: you have to do your due diligence of understanding who
Speaker 2: he is as a man, his true character. Are you
Speaker 2: projecting a fantasy and a POTENTI on him that doesn't
Speaker 2: really exist?
Speaker 3: All right? What does he see in himself?
Speaker 2: Like I would argue, I don't even know what conversations
Speaker 2: you guys had, but there's a very good chance that
Speaker 2: if I was there, you were speaking as a man
Speaker 2: who wanted to accomplish things. So she was just all right,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna support that, I'm gonna get behind you. That's
Speaker 2: very different from a woman saying to him like for example,
Speaker 2: well you could do this and you can become this,
Speaker 2: and it's like, okay, No, he has to want that.
Speaker 3: He has to have that vision, you see.
Speaker 2: And I think that's where people, you know, get tripped
Speaker 2: up and end up in the situations where and to
Speaker 2: your point, the key is ask yourself, as a woman,
Speaker 2: are you gonna be okay if this man never changes?
Speaker 2: Because you're placing a bet, all right, there's no guarantee
Speaker 2: you're gonna win this bet. Are you gonna be okay
Speaker 2: this man never changes? If not, I would suggest, because
Speaker 2: here's another angle. We could look at her presence. Her
Speaker 2: love gave you confidence, But did that have to be
Speaker 2: given within the context of a girlfriend boyfriend relationship exactly?
Speaker 2: So if a woman really believes in the man, but
Speaker 2: she knows if this man doesn't change, I'm gonna be
Speaker 2: really upset, all right, and I'm gonna feel cheated. Then
Speaker 2: all we're saying is maybe don't cross romantic lines yet.
Speaker 2: Let that man know, because I'll tell you that if
Speaker 2: he has it in him and he has a desire
Speaker 2: for that woman, and that woman said to him, listen,
Speaker 2: I think you can make a great partner. I would
Speaker 2: love to be with you, but I need you to
Speaker 2: get to a more stable place first. If he's serious,
Speaker 2: that's his motivation right there. That will get him because
Speaker 2: as long as he knows, oh, I can get the
Speaker 2: woman that of my dreams, a woman I love if
Speaker 2: I put in the work. Okay, I'm gonna do that,
Speaker 2: but by getting with him while in the process. For
Speaker 2: a lot of men, they only do to acquire. And
Speaker 2: if they already acquired, then what am I going to
Speaker 2: do anything for? What do I need to go work
Speaker 2: and all this extra stuff or try to do more
Speaker 2: to make more money.
Speaker 3: When I'm getting fed, I'm getting sex, have a roof
Speaker 3: over my head.
Speaker 2: For a lot of men, that is enough. There's only
Speaker 2: a smaller segment of men who you can give them
Speaker 2: all those things and it doesn't matter they.
Speaker 3: Have to do more. It's just who they are.
Speaker 2: So that has to be acknowledged and recognized when a
Speaker 2: woman's going to determine that she's going to actually engage
Speaker 2: in that kind of a dynamic.
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Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. I feel like
Speaker 1: right now, in dating, men have a bad reputation. Men
Speaker 1: get a lot of blame. Is it fair?
Speaker 3: It is unfair, completely unfair. One of the big.
Speaker 2: Problems that exists is that a lot of women are
Speaker 2: not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences.
Speaker 2: Now that isn't to say there aren't genuinely bad men
Speaker 2: out there, bad experiences and all that, but what they
Speaker 2: felt to understand is that whether it be their friends,
Speaker 2: their family, whoever, when she goes on that date or
Speaker 2: she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may
Speaker 2: leave out parts of what she did to contribute to
Speaker 2: the problem. And so you're hearing this very one sided
Speaker 2: view of the situation, which is gonna almost always paint
Speaker 2: the man in the negative light. And so the woman
Speaker 2: starts to develop this very negative perception of men based
Speaker 2: off all these stories she's being fed. Then you add
Speaker 2: the Internet, right, and the Internet is built off of
Speaker 2: sensationalism and people coming up with all kinds of craziness
Speaker 2: to make the opposite gender look bad. So whether it's
Speaker 2: men talking about women, or women talking about or the
Speaker 2: same gender talking down on their gend, whatever it is.
Speaker 2: They're trying to hype up negative stories. So even though
Speaker 2: these negative stories exist, we don't always realize they're not
Speaker 2: so much the majority. They could be the minority. They're
Speaker 2: just being pushed a lot more. And so yeah, it
Speaker 2: does create this very unfair, this unfair view of men,
Speaker 2: and I think there's again a little bit on both sides.
Speaker 3: To be honest with you.
Speaker 1: Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually
Speaker 1: affect us, because I think we don't think about that
Speaker 1: sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh yeah, this just happened. Oh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: same thing happened to my friend. Oh yeah, same thing
Speaker 1: happened to that friend. And like you said, we don't
Speaker 1: have the full data. It's not always happened to us.
Speaker 1: And then it spreads. But what is that psychologically and
Speaker 1: even emotionally due to our own mind and brain and heart.
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's just human nature to where we
Speaker 2: take our negative experiences and we projected onto that demographic
Speaker 2: of whoever it's attached to. So it's like if someone
Speaker 2: gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may
Speaker 2: start to develop a fear towards that those people, even
Speaker 2: though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious
Speaker 2: to them. So, in dating, when you start to experience
Speaker 2: or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well,
Speaker 2: you're naturally going to become more defensive, more negative.
Speaker 3: And then what you don't realize is you.
Speaker 2: Create these fulfilling prophecies because you go into the dating
Speaker 2: experience bracing for negativity or projecting it, not realizing you're
Speaker 2: creating it, okay, and so what also makes it worse?
Speaker 2: And it hit me when you were asking the question,
Speaker 2: is that And again, I don't want women to feel
Speaker 2: like I'm just saying like women don't take any responsibility
Speaker 2: or anything like that, because there's plenty of women who do. However,
Speaker 2: it is more likely when a woman goes to her
Speaker 2: friends and family to tell her that tell them that
Speaker 2: this relationship fell apart, they're gonna say, you know you're
Speaker 2: you're better than that, he doesn't deserve you. Those type
Speaker 2: of things to build her up, make her feel good,
Speaker 2: not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong.
Speaker 2: The man goes to his friends and other people about
Speaker 2: the relationship that fell apart. Man, you were stupid anyway
Speaker 2: you should have done this. Like, they're gonna come down
Speaker 2: on him regardless, and whether he likes it or not,
Speaker 2: he's gonna have to accept some level of personal accountability. Well,
Speaker 2: that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation. Now, unfortunately,
Speaker 2: I do think that there are some men who when
Speaker 2: they run to the internet and they hear women bad women,
Speaker 2: bad women bad, they become blind to their own flaws.
Speaker 2: But I think you can make the argument that women
Speaker 2: have an audience of uplifters more than men do, and
Speaker 2: that will now skew how people view the opposite sex.
Speaker 2: And now those negative stories are only going to have
Speaker 2: even more of an impact because if I'm being told
Speaker 2: as a woman, I'm great, nothing's wrong with me, These
Speaker 2: men are horrible, right, and there's nothing for me to
Speaker 2: do different. So then anything that goes wrong will always
Speaker 2: be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people.
Speaker 2: Like You're never gonna think, well, wait a minute, maybe
Speaker 2: there was something missing from this story, or maybe she
Speaker 2: could have handled things different. No, you're gonna jump right
Speaker 2: to their bad because that's what you're being told over
Speaker 2: and over again, and then it's being solidified by some
Speaker 2: of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize
Speaker 2: what's contributing to those experiences even coming about.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really interesting way to look at it.
Speaker 1: Because there was a Facebook group and I forget what
Speaker 1: it's called now, but it's basically for I think it's
Speaker 1: called are we Dating the same man? And it's been
Speaker 1: built because there are so many women who are experiencing
Speaker 1: men dating them at the same time, even though he's
Speaker 1: saying is exclusive with one. So I had this happened
Speaker 1: to someone that I know recently, and she was seeing
Speaker 1: this guy for like six months and then they were
Speaker 1: or three months, sorry, they're seeing each other for three months.
Speaker 1: They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance.
Speaker 1: He'd come out to see her, and she was about
Speaker 1: to go and see him. So she messaged him and said, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm coming out. I just want to make sure that
Speaker 1: we're taking in the right direction because she's buying a flight,
Speaker 1: she's coming over, she's investing in the relationship, and this
Speaker 1: guy who messages it every day just ghosted her. So
Speaker 1: she went onto this Facebook group and she wrote about
Speaker 1: it a few days later when she was like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, this guy's not getting back to me. I've
Speaker 1: lost the flight ticket. Not in a great place. And
Speaker 1: then this other woman messaged back and was like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's connect off line. So then she shared her story.
Speaker 1: This guy supposedly is married. He's then been dating this
Speaker 1: other girl who just found out that he's married, saying
Speaker 1: he was going to get divorced, and now he was
Speaker 1: dating the person that I know. And so I think
Speaker 1: when you hear a story like that, it's no surprise
Speaker 1: that that spreads because that's a fascinating, juicy story and
Speaker 1: it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and
Speaker 1: involved in it. And I think that empathy. Even when
Speaker 1: I heard that story, I was so heartbroken. But we
Speaker 1: have to remember that isn't the majority exact. It does exist,
Speaker 1: and it's really sad, and if it's happened to you,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, Like I feel like that could be
Speaker 1: the worst thing to go through, But it isn't the majority,
Speaker 1: and we have to be careful about how we amplify
Speaker 1: the minority experience exactly.
Speaker 2: And I think what we're not realizing as a society
Speaker 2: is that the reality is there. We base our perceptions
Speaker 2: of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables,
Speaker 2: all right, that top twenty percent of men or women
Speaker 2: who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities.
Speaker 2: And it kind of goes back to that belief of
Speaker 2: how great power can corrupt.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: So even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes
Speaker 2: a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming
Speaker 2: after him, he has.
Speaker 3: All this access.
Speaker 2: Not all, but there are many who will start to
Speaker 2: fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before, who will
Speaker 2: start to become more of a womanizer, who will start
Speaker 2: to enjoy all this access that they have, right. And
Speaker 2: the reality is that when we hear these stories, this
Speaker 2: is not a story of the average man who just
Speaker 2: wants a relationship looking for love. Is genuine. Maybe he
Speaker 2: doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most
Speaker 2: desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not
Speaker 2: where we're going to put our attention. And it's the
Speaker 2: same thing with women. When you hear men on the
Speaker 2: internet say women just want money. Women just want money,
Speaker 2: not granted, women value financial stability in men most okay,
Speaker 2: and I think that most men should strive from some
Speaker 2: level of stability. However, there are tons of women dating
Speaker 2: broke men right. There are tons of women who that
Speaker 2: is not their number one priority. It's a desire, but
Speaker 2: they want to be loved, they want quality time, they
Speaker 2: want these other things.
Speaker 3: But again, if it's.
Speaker 2: Not being said by the audience that the men fixate
Speaker 2: so much on, they don't hear those voices. They just
Speaker 2: focus on the women who are Again and I'm using
Speaker 2: the word desirables not because I'm determining what's desirable. I'm
Speaker 2: just laying out the people who get the most attention,
Speaker 2: who tend to get more attention for whatever reason, right
Speaker 2: or wrong. That's what happens in life. And so we
Speaker 2: got to realize that they do not represent the majority.
Speaker 2: And we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing
Speaker 2: too much on the wrong group of people when we're
Speaker 2: trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex?
Speaker 1: For sure? When people are dating, what some of the
Speaker 1: things to look out for when you're thinking about long
Speaker 1: term success, Because I think the challenge people are having
Speaker 1: now is like someone will love to bomb them. For
Speaker 1: three months, everything's moving amazing, It's getting really intense, like
Speaker 1: dates are great, hanging out it's great, the intimacy is great,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, it's like one person
Speaker 1: kind of checks out and goes, hey, I don't think
Speaker 1: this's working for me. We're moving too fast. Hey, we
Speaker 1: should slow this down. Hey, I think we've rushed into it.
Speaker 1: And then you're like, wait a minute. I thought we
Speaker 1: were going to get married, right, I thought this was
Speaker 1: going somewhere. What are we meant to do? What are
Speaker 1: people meant to do in those first three, six, twelve
Speaker 1: months if you had to give markers to kind of
Speaker 1: slow it down, because I think we all want to
Speaker 1: fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever
Speaker 1: work healthily that way, or it doesn't work often healthily
Speaker 1: that way.
Speaker 2: Well, before I get into what we should do with
Speaker 2: those markers, I think the I always say this love
Speaker 2: bombing is only when it's a one sided thing. So
Speaker 2: basically two people me one person is showing them with
Speaker 2: all this love and attention and going hard, and for
Speaker 2: the other person, it's not them saying, oh, I'm in
Speaker 2: love with them, it's them saying this feels so good. Yes,
Speaker 2: I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going. You see,
Speaker 2: but if you both and let's use a different example
Speaker 2: where you can have two people meet and they both
Speaker 2: feel this intense connection immediately, they are both feeling strongly
Speaker 2: about each other. To me, that's not a love bomb,
Speaker 2: all right, that's just a connection that two people are
Speaker 2: embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would.
Speaker 1: All right, good distinctions.
Speaker 2: So now if those two people moved quote unquote fast
Speaker 2: by society standards, I don't have a problem with that
Speaker 2: as long as they do their due diligence, which is
Speaker 2: part of what we got to do within those times
Speaker 2: market times. But there's nothing wrong. Like I knew a
Speaker 2: couple they came to one of my events. They got married,
Speaker 2: I think in like three four months, and they said
Speaker 2: they watched one of my videos and family and friends
Speaker 2: are like, oh, this is stupid, this is wrong. But
Speaker 2: they heard me explain it, and they're like, this was them.
Speaker 2: This applied to them. They felt a connection, they were
Speaker 2: on the same page. And what people have to understand
Speaker 2: is one couples three months is not the same as
Speaker 2: the next couples three months. So one couple in their
Speaker 2: three months may have been talking every single day, spending
Speaker 2: time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving
Speaker 2: deep to each other, meeting each other's families. They've done
Speaker 2: so much due diligence. They don't need years more to
Speaker 2: figure this out. The next couple they talk here and there,
Speaker 2: they see each other once, so a wee get every
Speaker 2: other week. They're very busy. Yeah, and so the moments
Speaker 2: together feel great, But they really haven't spent enough time
Speaker 2: diving deep into each other. So we have to remember that.
Speaker 2: But as far as what we should be doing is
Speaker 2: we should be trying to learn as much about the
Speaker 2: person as quickly as possible. I think too many times
Speaker 2: we have an approach of like going with the flow
Speaker 2: type of deal. For sure, all right, and we'll just
Speaker 2: figure it out as we go along. And in reality,
Speaker 2: there's a part of it that doesn't want to rock
Speaker 2: the boat because again, we're enjoying the companionship. If you're
Speaker 2: having sex, you're enjoying the sex. There's different benefits here
Speaker 2: that you don't want to let go of. So you're
Speaker 2: purposely or subconsciously not asking questions you know might be
Speaker 2: a problem, all right, And so now when things blow
Speaker 2: up a year, ladies, you never know some no, you
Speaker 2: wouldn't ask the question that need to be asked. The
Speaker 2: quicker you can put those questions out there. The quicker
Speaker 2: you can expose. And I use the word exposed not
Speaker 2: in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity, Yes,
Speaker 2: revealing who this person is and.
Speaker 3: What we have with each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, But I also think that it always starts
Speaker 2: with we have to be honest about how we feel.
Speaker 2: Too many people are choosing their partner based off of
Speaker 2: do they love me?
Speaker 3: Rather than do I love them?
Speaker 2: Okay, and if you don't truly love them, if you're
Speaker 2: not in love with them, nothing else matters. Because if
Speaker 2: you think it's gonna be safe for you to pick
Speaker 2: them because they love you. So when you have that
Speaker 2: scenario where you said, all right, things are going real fast,
Speaker 2: let's paint it. Man, love bombs the woman. He's going hard,
Speaker 2: and let's just say he's really infatuated with this woman.
Speaker 2: So to him, he believes I'm into this woman. To her,
Speaker 2: she doesn't really, she's not into him like that. But man,
Speaker 2: he's a nice guy. This feels so good. All right,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go along with it. Six months eight months
Speaker 2: past whatever he pulls back This is not always the case,
Speaker 2: but in many cases he pulls back because he finally
Speaker 2: wakes up and realizes, dang, I'm doing all this for
Speaker 2: this woman, but she's not really into me. And it
Speaker 2: may not be him coming to that realization first. It
Speaker 2: might be a friend or family members, like, no, do
Speaker 2: you see how she moves? I notice you do this,
Speaker 2: but she doesn't do this for you. And now he
Speaker 2: starts to think like, man, wait a minute, she really
Speaker 2: she's not coming at me the way I come at her.
Speaker 2: But in that moment, let's say he tries to pull away, Well,
Speaker 2: she's enjoying this attention so much she doesn't want to
Speaker 2: lose it, whether if she's in love with him or not,
Speaker 2: and her fear of losing it now tricks her into thinking,
Speaker 2: I'm in love with this man, So now she fights
Speaker 2: to keep him. And then now he feels okay, validated,
Speaker 2: she's trying they move forward. But the reality was they
Speaker 2: were never both truly in love with each other. He
Speaker 2: was infatuated and she was just enjoying how it felt,
Speaker 2: and they reached a point where she was afraid to
Speaker 2: lose this. And of course, whether you're a man or
Speaker 2: a woman, who's the one going hard. You don't want
Speaker 2: to feel like all your time was wasted. You don't
Speaker 2: want to feel like.
Speaker 3: You were wrong.
Speaker 2: So if they give you anything to hold on to,
Speaker 2: you're gonna run with it. And next thing you know,
Speaker 2: you're married with kids and you're like, well, what happened.
Speaker 2: What happened was you two were never truly in love
Speaker 2: with each other. So in those three months, six months, whatever,
Speaker 2: do your due diligence and really be honest with yourself
Speaker 2: about how you feel about this person, because if you
Speaker 2: don't have it in you trust and believe, whatever they
Speaker 2: think they're having for you is not true love.
Speaker 3: It's something else going on.
Speaker 1: And even for the person who does the love bombing
Speaker 1: to realize that no one will ever be able to
Speaker 1: match you like because and you wanting them to match
Speaker 1: you isn't even fair because it was already above and
Speaker 1: beyond what a normal person would do. And so even
Speaker 1: when you're sitting there and you're going like, oh, well
Speaker 1: they're not doing the same thing back for me or whatever,
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, no surprise, it's three months, and like,
Speaker 1: how are you're expecting someone to reciprocate in that way
Speaker 1: in three months, and I think, for me, you know what,
Speaker 1: you hit the nail on the head, like I've been
Speaker 1: looking at it and I can't relate to in dating anymore
Speaker 1: because I'm not dating. But I was looking at a
Speaker 1: new business opportunity and I was meeting a potential new
Speaker 1: business partner and it was the same exact thing. I
Speaker 1: felt a good connection, so did. They were really excited
Speaker 1: to get going. Then I spoke to some good advisors
Speaker 1: that I have in my life and they're like, have
Speaker 1: you asked these questions? And I was like, nah, but
Speaker 1: it just feels good. I haven't asked these questions, Like, well,
Speaker 1: you should ask those questions. And the whole reason I
Speaker 1: didn't want to ask those questions is because I thought
Speaker 1: it would ruin the connection. But it was so funny.
Speaker 1: I sat down last week asked the questions and actually
Speaker 1: the questions made me feel more confident. But there were
Speaker 1: more questions I realized I hadn't asked, So now I
Speaker 1: followed up with those questions. And that's what I've realized.
Speaker 1: If you are scared of asking questions because you're scared
Speaker 1: that they will weaken the relationship, it's actually the other
Speaker 1: way around. If you ask the right questions and it's
Speaker 1: the right relationship, it will strengthen the relationship exact, actually
Speaker 1: come closer. And so asking the right questions isn't about
Speaker 1: ruining a good thing. It's about making sure it's an
Speaker 1: actually good thing exactly. And I've been feeling in business
Speaker 1: all this in the last couple of weeks. It has
Speaker 1: been my life. So you've really opened my eyes to
Speaker 1: that right now, that just how much we're so in
Speaker 1: our head about trying to save something that doesn't even
Speaker 1: exist yet exactly exactly.
Speaker 2: And like you said, I if it's going to scare
Speaker 2: them away, then you saved yourself the time because it's
Speaker 2: going to be a bad situation.
Speaker 3: So never fear it.
Speaker 2: We just have to We have to get out of
Speaker 2: our own personerception of what we think we want or
Speaker 2: what's good or what's better. It's like, no, just if
Speaker 2: it's not there, it's not there, and that means something
Speaker 2: better will come along.
Speaker 1: Yeah, is the cliche. If he wanted to, he would true.
Speaker 3: It is absolutely false. I hate that. It is one
Speaker 3: of the many I hate. And here's the reason why
Speaker 3: I hate it. It can be true.
Speaker 2: So, Okay, if we look at human beings, as when
Speaker 2: we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all
Speaker 2: these things, then I think something like that can be true.
Speaker 2: So think about like two kids in high school, right,
Speaker 2: and the boys never experienced love. He falls for some woman,
Speaker 2: there's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many
Speaker 2: cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things.
Speaker 2: But the reality is that as human beings, we go
Speaker 2: through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful,
Speaker 2: that cause us to doubt, right, And so now it
Speaker 2: can create a level of hesitation willingness to cross certain lines.
Speaker 2: So yes, a man could love a woman, he could
Speaker 2: be willing, but you have to find out what may
Speaker 2: be the blockage. So to me, it's fine. I will
Speaker 2: apply that saying if a woman has let it be
Speaker 2: known to that man what she needs from him, okay.
Speaker 2: So for example, two people start dating and she's really
Speaker 2: big on communication, right, So she wants to hear from
Speaker 2: him every single day. Okay, he's calling every few days, right,
Speaker 2: And some girlfriend says to her, well, if he wanted to,
Speaker 2: he would, and she runs with that and cuts him
Speaker 2: off because well, clearly he must not be serious. But
Speaker 2: what you didn't know was the last girl he dated,
Speaker 2: when he called her every day, she felt like he
Speaker 2: was smothering her. So now he's scared to call every
Speaker 2: day because he doesn't know what you want. He doesn't
Speaker 2: want to come off needy or overbearing or whatever, so
Speaker 2: he's trying to play it cool. It has nothing to
Speaker 2: do with his desire or willingness. It has everything to
Speaker 2: do with him trying to navigate this situation because of
Speaker 2: what he's either been advised or been through or whatever.
Speaker 2: So that's why the key is if that same woman
Speaker 2: says to him, listen, I'm not hearing from you as
Speaker 2: much as I want to. If you're gonna date me,
Speaker 2: I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication. We
Speaker 2: need to talk every single day. Now, if he's really
Speaker 2: serious about her, he'll call her every day.
Speaker 3: You give him them the green light. He's gonna do it,
Speaker 3: you see.
Speaker 2: And if he's not serious about her, then he will
Speaker 2: probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever
Speaker 2: the case may be. But now you can run with
Speaker 2: that statement because it's been made clear to him. But
Speaker 2: there's so many underlying things going on and so many reasons,
Speaker 2: especially when you consider the advice being given on the
Speaker 2: internet nowadays. All right, Like there is literally advice that
Speaker 2: tells people ignore someone if you want them more or
Speaker 2: want them to want you more. Okay, Like literally, when
Speaker 2: you understand what people are being fed, then you start
Speaker 2: to realize it's not as simple as if they want
Speaker 2: to they would no talk to them first. And then
Speaker 2: I always say, the way to determine how serious someone
Speaker 2: is about you is not in seeing what they do
Speaker 2: on their own, is seeing how they handle your expression
Speaker 2: of concerns and feelings. All right, Okay, that's what's gonna
Speaker 2: show you how not just how serious they are about you,
Speaker 2: but how mature they are, and if they're emotionally ready
Speaker 2: to be in a relationship, because someone who cannot hear
Speaker 2: you out is not ready for.
Speaker 3: A real relationship. All right.
Speaker 2: But if they can sit talk to you, listen, not dismiss,
Speaker 2: and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But I find that's the thing, going back to your
Speaker 1: third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard
Speaker 1: today because that requires healing. To be able to hear
Speaker 1: someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns
Speaker 1: and challenges, and how they feel, and to actually validate
Speaker 1: it without invalidating yourself, right. I think that's why we
Speaker 1: struggle so much, because if someone's saying something like if
Speaker 1: you were saying to me like, hey, J like you know,
Speaker 1: I don't like the way that you know your friends
Speaker 1: speak to me when they're around. If I hear that,
Speaker 1: I start defending my friends because I'm what are you doing?
Speaker 1: My friends are amazing, They're the best, They're the greatest.
Speaker 1: Now I've invalidated you to validate myself. Because we think
Speaker 1: validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself, or if
Speaker 1: I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is oh,
Speaker 1: I could validate you and also stand true to who
Speaker 1: I am. Yes, that's a healed individual, and so I
Speaker 1: can agree with you and I can also share my perspective.
Speaker 1: But I find that if we're looking for that off
Speaker 1: the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people
Speaker 1: is really small?
Speaker 2: It is, But this is the unfortunate, harsh reality because
Speaker 2: that portion is so small, and because we overlook those
Speaker 2: types of issues, Well, that's why we have so much
Speaker 2: unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 3: That's why we have such a high divorce rate.
Speaker 2: And I always tell people people love to harbor on
Speaker 2: the divorce rate as an argument not to get married,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, hold up, if we could quantify the
Speaker 2: breakup rate, it will probably make the divorce rate look
Speaker 2: like toiles play. All right, people break up way more
Speaker 2: and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the
Speaker 2: boyfriend girlfriend relationship dynamic. So the reality is that, yes,
Speaker 2: if we took this approach that said someone needs to
Speaker 2: be emotionally mature before we can enter in the relationship
Speaker 2: with them, relationships will plummet. There will be a lot
Speaker 2: less relationships. However, two things would happen from that. There
Speaker 2: would be more healthy relationships and people would start to
Speaker 2: realize this is an unacceptable.
Speaker 3: Trait that they're caring with them.
Speaker 2: If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they
Speaker 2: cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and
Speaker 2: intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns.
Speaker 2: But they will never understand the need to fix that,
Speaker 2: all right, And it's the same it's that same issue.
Speaker 2: Like literally, I was just coaching a married couple who
Speaker 2: they're going through it right now. And one of the
Speaker 2: big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other
Speaker 2: when they're expressing their concerns. All right, So it's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you can look past us if you want, but you're gonna.
Speaker 3: Pay your price. Is that price worth it?
Speaker 2: And most do not survive that at some point You're
Speaker 2: gonna have to learn it anyway, right, So I just think, yeah,
Speaker 2: I think it'd be best and I understand and I'm
Speaker 2: speaking idealistically. Realistically, most people are gonna overlook this issue.
Speaker 2: Most people are gonna give a pass, right, But I
Speaker 2: think even if you're gonna give a pass to a
Speaker 2: certain extent.
Speaker 3: It needs to be discussed. It needs to be understood.
Speaker 2: And to your point, I love that you said, because
Speaker 2: I really a dusted a video on my men's channel.
Speaker 3: About how to communicate with a woman more.
Speaker 2: Effectively, and one of the things I expressed was how
Speaker 2: I listen in that situation where she says, I don't
Speaker 2: like the way your friends speaks to me. You can
Speaker 2: still say, I understand that's how you feel. I don't
Speaker 2: see it that way, but let me try to understand
Speaker 2: why you feel that way.
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying, So I'm gonna meet you
Speaker 3: where you are.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna acknowledge your feelings. I'm still gonna express my
Speaker 2: view is different than yours. But let's see if we
Speaker 2: can come to an understanding of this that in itself
Speaker 2: would eliminate so many arguments to so much conflict just
Speaker 2: by doing that. So I do think that men and women,
Speaker 2: everyone needs to understand.
Speaker 3: We need to strive for that at the very least.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, for sure, because it's that That's what that unhealed,
Speaker 1: immature version of us does. It just wants us to
Speaker 1: stay in the zone of I'm right, you're wrong, it's
Speaker 1: my way. You're always not working out, and we got
Speaker 1: to do it this way. And I think the other
Speaker 1: thing that's really blocking a lot of people. And I
Speaker 1: ask you this not because I'm trying to give a
Speaker 1: question that I think a lot of people ask but
Speaker 1: actually know it is I think this is an important
Speaker 1: question because I think a lot of people have a
Speaker 1: type going back to your desirables, that they're looking for.
Speaker 1: Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating.
Speaker 2: So there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent,
Speaker 2: as long as you're not so married to that type
Speaker 2: to where there's no flexibility outside that, all right, But
Speaker 2: I do think that at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: and this may sound bad to some people, but this
Speaker 2: is just the reality of it. The more desirable you are,
Speaker 2: the more it becomes even necessary for you to have
Speaker 2: a type. So the analogy I like to give is,
Speaker 2: let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart.
Speaker 2: And that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works
Speaker 2: at the Walmart, right, but the reality is that to
Speaker 2: be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right,
Speaker 2: And not many people are all lining up to go
Speaker 2: work at Walmart. So Walmart might get five applicants, right,
Speaker 2: they can sit down with each applicant.
Speaker 3: They can be more.
Speaker 2: Flexible and see who fits the job. If Google is
Speaker 2: hiring for a sixth figure or seventh figure position, they're
Speaker 2: gonna have thousands of applicants, right. There's gonna be a
Speaker 2: greater level of requirement there has to be at this position.
Speaker 2: And now they can't sit down with every person. They're
Speaker 2: gonna have to weed them out. And once upon a time,
Speaker 2: how do they do that. They would eliminate you by
Speaker 2: the color of your resumes, the font on your bask
Speaker 2: forget your qualifications, okay, just the mere presentation because they
Speaker 2: had to. They had to weed it down to a
Speaker 2: certain segment, and then from there choos who's gonna be best.
Speaker 2: So in dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with honing
Speaker 2: in on your audience that you want to pull from. However,
Speaker 2: I think that now, I think I know that connection
Speaker 2: can transcend our type, okay, and I believe the key
Speaker 2: is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes. Now,
Speaker 2: I want people to understand when I say whatever package,
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right.
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you're gonna be disgusted by them any
Speaker 2: kind of way. It just means that plenty of people,
Speaker 2: if not everyone, even when having a type, have found
Speaker 2: someone outside that box that they found attractive, all right,
Speaker 2: that they may even feel drawn to. You have to
Speaker 2: be open and flexible in that way, all right. And
Speaker 2: I think for me it's less about having such a
Speaker 2: strict type, but more so fundamental principles, Like I think
Speaker 2: attraction is important, all right, Communication is important. There's a
Speaker 2: level of if you're into energy, or you can pick
Speaker 2: up on people's energy, that's gonna be important, and to me,
Speaker 2: those are foundational things. It's less about where they got
Speaker 2: to be this tall or they have to have this
Speaker 2: type of job, but there are some core traits that
Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with that. So I do think for
Speaker 2: those that the type is working against, it's because they
Speaker 2: might be too strict, there's no flexibility, and they're also
Speaker 2: not understanding are you the type that the type wants? Okay,
Speaker 2: so you can want your type all you want, that's fine, right,
Speaker 2: nothing wrong with that, But are you really tapping into
Speaker 2: the type of partner they would want? And if and
Speaker 2: it's not even are you.
Speaker 3: Willing and both? Can you sustain that? All right?
Speaker 2: Because there's a lot of people trying to present a
Speaker 2: certain kind of way to get this type of individual,
Speaker 2: and they may get them, but they can't keep it up.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna give one example, and again it's never shaded
Speaker 2: to any gender when I use them as an example.
Speaker 2: But let's say there's a man who wants this ridiculously
Speaker 2: beautiful woman, right who is accustomed to the high life,
Speaker 2: all right, and having all kinds of men shower her
Speaker 2: with gifts and money, and he knows one he don't
Speaker 2: have money like that, and two, he does not have
Speaker 2: the desire to keep up that lifestyle, but he's so
Speaker 2: infatuated with this woman. He goes and he pulls out
Speaker 2: all the stops, fancy Denna's, gives all these things, and
Speaker 2: he gets her. But then after a few months, the
Speaker 2: real hym comes out and now he doesn't want to
Speaker 2: go to the nice restaurant, he doesn't want to take
Speaker 2: the nice trip.
Speaker 3: He thinks that bag is way too expensive.
Speaker 2: And now she's pissed off because it's like, wait a minute,
Speaker 2: you sold me on this. And to him, it's, oh, well,
Speaker 2: you're ungrateful or you're no. You tricked her. You tricked her,
Speaker 2: and you tricked yourself because you were so fixated on this.
Speaker 3: Type and this person. But you never question can you
Speaker 3: really be that?
Speaker 2: Are you really that? And can you keep that going
Speaker 2: for the rest of your life? And if you can't,
Speaker 2: all right, go to a different, different type of different
Speaker 2: type of you know, person, whatever that.
Speaker 3: Fits who you are.
Speaker 2: And it goes back to really understanding who you are,
Speaker 2: accepting it, and embracing the type of people who fit
Speaker 2: that individual for sure.
Speaker 1: And that's such a great example because it's a simple one,
Speaker 1: but it actually applies to all the deeper things too.
Speaker 1: Anything you're infatuated by in another person and you pretend
Speaker 1: to be that, whether it's you're interested in a specific sport,
Speaker 1: you're interested in hanging around those places, you're interested in
Speaker 1: their business. You like you said, you're tricking yourself. And
Speaker 1: so many people are doing that. And a lot of
Speaker 1: these are tricks, and you even called out some of them.
Speaker 1: I think there's so much bad advice right now. There's
Speaker 1: so many of these kind of myths that are just
Speaker 1: floating about. And one of the big ones is I
Speaker 1: want to get your take on this. Should the person
Speaker 1: you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention?
Speaker 1: Is that a sign of love?
Speaker 2: My instinct to is say no, yeah, I'm with you.
Speaker 2: I think think, to be honest with you, there's a
Speaker 2: level of insecurity there all right.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong. I do think when we love someone,
Speaker 2: there may be at least some part of us, right
Speaker 2: that's going to have an eye open to all.
Speaker 3: This attention you're getting. Well, shooting, that's natural, but to
Speaker 3: be bothered by it usually speaks to.
Speaker 2: You not having a sureness in yourself all right, relation
Speaker 2: and in the relationship exactly that, and that's such a key.
Speaker 3: So I'm going to give a quick story.
Speaker 2: Because I think this is please lines up perfectly. I
Speaker 2: once had a man who came to me. He was
Speaker 2: having a problem in his marriage, and his issue was
Speaker 2: his wife had this male best friend who she was
Speaker 2: showing all this attention to.
Speaker 3: Okay, and he was.
Speaker 2: Like, they would be arguing about this friend, and he
Speaker 2: she just doesn't want to let go of this friend
Speaker 2: and all these things. And I said, well, listen, trying
Speaker 2: to argue against her friend when she's saying it's nothing,
Speaker 2: it's platonic, there's nothing there. Do you have none to
Speaker 2: worry about? Is a very difficult battle. Let me ask
Speaker 2: you what's the quality.
Speaker 3: Of the relation. And he's like, oh, it's not that great.
Speaker 3: We got some issues.
Speaker 2: I said, Okay, before we worry about this friend, let's
Speaker 2: focus on solidifying the relationship. All right, let's make that strong,
Speaker 2: let's make that good, and then see what happens.
Speaker 3: He hit me up.
Speaker 2: I want to say, like three four months later, he said, man,
Speaker 2: your advice worked perfectly. By him shifting his focus to
Speaker 2: the relationship quality and fixing everything in there, the issue
Speaker 2: with the friend completely disappeared. She naturally was not showing
Speaker 2: the friend any more attention like she wasn't eymore. Just
Speaker 2: everything fell into place. So going back to your point
Speaker 2: about jealousy, Yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves,
Speaker 2: that they do not feel secure in their relationship for
Speaker 2: various reasons, and this attention that your partner is getting
Speaker 2: is a threat to you. It is a threat that well,
Speaker 2: what if they'd like it so much they take someone
Speaker 2: up on their offer. All right, But if you really
Speaker 2: felt good about yourself and this relationship, you're just not
Speaker 2: gonna worry about it. And I think also it goes
Speaker 2: go to a level of I'm gonna use the word
Speaker 2: evolving in life and understanding that you cannot control everything.
Speaker 2: So to me, I just feel like and I have
Speaker 2: a feeling you're probably the same exact way. I'm not
Speaker 2: gonna be worried about this attention again. But at the
Speaker 2: end of the day, if you're gonna do something wrong,
Speaker 2: you're gonna do it wrong. Me trying to police you,
Speaker 2: it's a waste of my energy. It is too stressful.
Speaker 2: I don't want that life. All right, do your thing now.
Speaker 2: If you do something you're not supposed to do, you
Speaker 2: will pay a consequence. I will let you go, but
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna sit here and check on this and
Speaker 2: watch this or you can't go here. Man, do what
Speaker 2: makes you happy, enjoy yourself, and I want you to
Speaker 2: live in your truth. I don't want to suppress you
Speaker 2: in any kind of way. And I'm gonna bring this
Speaker 2: up and I'm just gonna say this is a theory.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying I'm accurate, but it's something for everyone
Speaker 2: to think about. So talking about attention, I do think
Speaker 2: that in most cases the is the dynamic is usually
Speaker 2: the woman getting a ton of attention and the man
Speaker 2: not knowing how to handle that. And there are a
Speaker 2: lot of men on the internet who like they go
Speaker 2: in on these women, who oh, you're always wanting this
Speaker 2: attention you're posting here. There was even celebrities ones that
Speaker 2: talked about something like that and they went in on her.
Speaker 3: Anyways, I have this theory right this question.
Speaker 2: I was like, what if attention for women is like
Speaker 2: sexual desire for men? And what I mean by that
Speaker 2: is you'll hear men make the argument of well, I
Speaker 2: can have sex with these different women and it's nothing.
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean anything to me.
Speaker 2: But they just enjoy the sex. They would never leave
Speaker 2: the women. They love all these things. And I'm not
Speaker 2: advocating for any cheating anything. I'm just explaining this and that, Yes, well,
Speaker 2: that's how a lot of women view attention. She may
Speaker 2: enjoy attention, but she has no plan on entertaining any
Speaker 2: of those men. She will go back to her man.
Speaker 2: But she still likes to get a compliment. She likes
Speaker 2: to go out and hear people say, oh you look
Speaker 2: good today, Oh my gosh, that dress is nice. But
Speaker 2: it's not because like she's this bad person. It just
Speaker 2: might be in a desire. And again, and there's gonna
Speaker 2: be different scales of that desire. There's gonna be some
Speaker 2: women who don't want attention at all, they don't like
Speaker 2: it right, But there's gonna be others who love it.
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we demonize these things. And it
Speaker 2: goes back to understanding and respecting the differences between the
Speaker 2: genders and between individuals. Okay, and you, I think for
Speaker 2: a man if or for a woman, if you're dealing
Speaker 2: with that person, what's important is to understand why they
Speaker 2: enjoy the attention. Where does that come from? Does it
Speaker 2: come from an inadequacy. Does it come from you not
Speaker 2: giving them attention? Are they starving at home so now
Speaker 2: they have to go outside to get it right or
Speaker 2: is it someone who just they feed off of that stuff.
Speaker 2: They love it, But again it doesn't make them a
Speaker 2: bad person. But to go back to your question, I
Speaker 2: don't think you have to be jealous of someone to
Speaker 2: love them. I can love you to death and not
Speaker 2: get jealous, you know, because again I'm not worried about it.
Speaker 2: But I do think when we do get a little
Speaker 2: bit jealous, that's also like it's just normal.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's normal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I feel like the discomfort is natural. When
Speaker 1: it gets to jealousy and you're kind of ruining the
Speaker 1: relationship you have and now checking up and policing, as
Speaker 1: you said, that starts to come unhealthy. And then ultimately,
Speaker 1: if it's leading to an internal insecurity between you and yourself,
Speaker 1: I mean, it can spiral out of control. And I
Speaker 1: think sometimes we almost want the other person to feel jealous.
Speaker 1: That's what I was trying to get at. It's like
Speaker 1: this feeling of like, oh, they don't get jealous when
Speaker 1: I get attention. It's like, well, it goes back to
Speaker 1: what you're saying, which is trying to play games. Yeah, like,
Speaker 1: if it's coming from that place, of course, am I
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and it happens, of course I am. If you
Speaker 1: love someone, you like someone, of course, But I don't
Speaker 1: want to make my partner have to feel jealous when
Speaker 1: I'm feeling that way like that to try and keep
Speaker 1: them entertained and try and keep them interesting.
Speaker 3: But that goes back to the point.
Speaker 2: If you are looking to make them jealous, is it
Speaker 2: because you're not getting what you need in this relationship
Speaker 2: in general? Probably what I'm saying like, something is probably missing.
Speaker 2: We're not because a lot of people will do things
Speaker 2: to just get a reaction out of their partner. It's
Speaker 2: because they want to see that you care. And if
Speaker 2: I have to see that you care, that means you're
Speaker 2: not showing me in other ways, or at least I'm
Speaker 2: not feeling it in other ways.
Speaker 3: That you care.
Speaker 2: There's a disconnect there. So rather than jumping to the
Speaker 2: whole make them jealous, because that's a dangerous game to
Speaker 2: play because what people don't realize is, yes, you may
Speaker 2: have succeeded in making them jealous, but you may have
Speaker 2: also planted the seed of insecurity, and now they have
Speaker 2: to worry do you really want someone else's attention?
Speaker 3: In time?
Speaker 2: Are you entertaining someone else? And so now you got
Speaker 2: this initial great feeling of their jealousy, But what's the
Speaker 2: backlash that comes from it?
Speaker 3: Later on?
Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying, what have you created? So
Speaker 2: to me, you gotta go to the It's always about
Speaker 2: getting to the real root of the issue. Why are
Speaker 2: we behaving in this way? Why are we trying to
Speaker 2: make this happen now? I think there's some couples where
Speaker 2: they just playfully do these things. It's not that serious
Speaker 2: to them, right, and that's fine, But you just want
Speaker 2: to make sure this is not coming from an unhealthy place,
Speaker 2: because you're going to create a more unhealthy situation.
Speaker 1: One thing I love about your advice is that you're
Speaker 1: constantly encouraging people to have deeper communication. You keep saying, hey,
Speaker 1: but you got to understand why you feel that way
Speaker 1: and where that comes from and how that person processes it.
Speaker 1: And you in all of your work, your amazing books,
Speaker 1: your YouTube channel, you always talk about communication. How do
Speaker 1: you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? Because
Speaker 1: there are so many people I know that if their
Speaker 1: partner asks them this kind of question, their partner will
Speaker 1: be like, I don't really think about that stuff, or
Speaker 1: I don't really know, or just go quiet. I've heard
Speaker 1: this from so many people. I'm sure you see it
Speaker 1: all the time. How do you communicate with someone who
Speaker 1: doesn't want to communicate?
Speaker 2: Well, my initial response is going to be you don't
Speaker 2: communicate with them at all, you let them go.
Speaker 1: But let's say you've already gone to yeah.
Speaker 3: And we know it's not always that simple.
Speaker 2: So and this is part of the problem of not
Speaker 2: understanding ourselves coming into it, because the reality is that
Speaker 2: levels of communication or what each person needs is gonna differ. Right,
Speaker 2: Some people need a lot of communication, some not much.
Speaker 2: And so when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate,
Speaker 2: I do think you have to ask yourself one, if
Speaker 2: this is not gonna change, are you gonna be okay?
Speaker 2: And also which types of discussions are we unable to have? So,
Speaker 2: for example, if a woman or man wants to be
Speaker 2: able to have like political discussions with their partner, right,
Speaker 2: and their partner doesn't want to engage in that type
Speaker 2: of stuff, to me, that's not worth leaving them for now,
Speaker 2: of course, everyone's different, and if it's gonna bother you
Speaker 2: to the point where it's gonna affect your ability to
Speaker 2: show up in this relationship the way that you need to,
Speaker 2: then you still should walk away regards of what it
Speaker 2: means to me or how I view it or anyone
Speaker 2: else views it. However, I do think one of the
Speaker 2: things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we
Speaker 2: can supplement certain things. Right, So, you know how they
Speaker 2: say it takes a village to raise a child. I
Speaker 2: think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships.
Speaker 2: Because okay, maybe, and I'm again I'm just gonna use
Speaker 2: the women as an example. Let's say you had something
Speaker 2: stressful happened to you today. You want to call your
Speaker 2: husband right, but he's busy right now, and he's busy
Speaker 2: a lot, and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well,
Speaker 2: maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom
Speaker 2: first or your female friend.
Speaker 3: That way, you can get all your frustration.
Speaker 2: Now you can vent, he can do his thing, and
Speaker 2: then when he has more time later you can do
Speaker 2: a quick recap. And now that works for everybody, you see,
Speaker 2: I'm saying, But the problem is for some people, when
Speaker 2: your partner is your whole world and you don't have
Speaker 2: any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict.
Speaker 2: So I do think that's one when we consider the
Speaker 2: whole communication issue. But if we're having issues with discussing
Speaker 2: our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that
Speaker 2: is it's hard for me to give any kind of
Speaker 2: work around that because if we can't discuss it, how
Speaker 2: can we fix it?
Speaker 3: You see?
Speaker 2: And so of course I'm all for, you know, trying
Speaker 2: to understand what this person's hesitancy is, why they struggle
Speaker 2: in this way, because a lot of times it's not
Speaker 2: as simple as what they just don't communicate.
Speaker 3: There's something going on.
Speaker 2: Maybe they feel like you're not gonna listen to what
Speaker 2: they have to say. They're used to being dismissed, like
Speaker 2: I have to throw out there. I love women, but
Speaker 2: women swear to the greatest communicators and a lot of
Speaker 2: times and not okay, And they don't realize how in
Speaker 2: that moment because they're so women are so in tune
Speaker 2: with how they feel and they're so immersed in it
Speaker 2: that it's easy for them to become blind to how
Speaker 2: it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling
Speaker 2: in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool,
Speaker 2: she probably can pick up on things easy, right. But
Speaker 2: when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about somebody whatever,
Speaker 2: she's frustrated.
Speaker 3: That blocks a lot.
Speaker 2: And so a lot of women don't realize in their
Speaker 2: discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive
Speaker 2: they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down,
Speaker 2: and so going forward, he doesn't want to talk about
Speaker 2: anything because to him, it's pointless. This isn't gonna go anywhere.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be you saying how you feel. You're not
Speaker 2: gonna listen to how I feel. What's the point. It
Speaker 2: reminds me of how a lot of men don't want
Speaker 2: to go to counseling because they view counseling as a
Speaker 2: one side of the fair. The woman's gonna say all
Speaker 2: bad things that he does, and when he tries to
Speaker 2: express himself is gonna be used against him. So he's like,
Speaker 2: what's the point. So, as a woman or a man,
Speaker 2: because it can happen to both sides, you have to
Speaker 2: start with am I creating an environment for healthy communication period,
Speaker 2: all right, because if you're not any attempts to pull
Speaker 2: out of them, more communication is not gonna work, all right,
Speaker 2: So start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone,
Speaker 2: how are you approaching things. I also think for people
Speaker 2: who are struggling to communicate, consider doing it via letters.
Speaker 3: Right. Some people struggle to talk, but maybe if they.
Speaker 2: Can just write it down on their own time, it's
Speaker 2: going to be so much easier for them, And then
Speaker 2: we can discuss.
Speaker 3: The letters verbally. Right, But start with the writing.
Speaker 2: And I think the writing is good even for those
Speaker 2: who can communicate verbally, because it's so easy for us
Speaker 2: to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to
Speaker 2: get just go off track in a verbal conversation. But
Speaker 2: in a letter where you get to sit down and
Speaker 2: make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone, it's
Speaker 2: just a more full experience. And then for the person,
Speaker 2: when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal when
Speaker 2: we read, we read to process, okay, so it's a
Speaker 2: very different approach that we take mentally. So now it's
Speaker 2: easier for your partner to understand and take in what
Speaker 2: you got to say when they can read it, and
Speaker 2: they can read it over and over and they can
Speaker 2: fixate on one part. Okay, this might be what you mean,
Speaker 2: and now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I
Speaker 2: think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues.
Speaker 1: That's a great answer. And also, when you're forced to write,
Speaker 1: you don't say that much stuff that you don't mean right.
Speaker 1: When you have to write something down consciously, chances are
Speaker 1: you're going to word it the heat of the moment, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you're trying to explain it, and you don't just
Speaker 1: write it down in the same way. And as I
Speaker 1: was hearing you speak, I was just thinking, there's something
Speaker 1: I really want women to know that you might be
Speaker 1: the first person in that man's life that's actually asked
Speaker 1: him what's going on? True, And so you may have
Speaker 1: to invite him to that conversation more than one time.
Speaker 1: You may have to make space for his emotions and
Speaker 1: feelings more than one time. And if every time you
Speaker 1: ask him it's more of a demand and a stress
Speaker 1: and a force and a push, then actually it's just
Speaker 1: going to make him quieter and quieter and quieter. But
Speaker 1: if every time it's an understanding and it's space and
Speaker 1: it's open, then there may be a chance because I
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, for most men, they were never
Speaker 1: asked about their emotions or feelings. There wasn't a space
Speaker 1: that they naturally just opened up. And hey, if someone's
Speaker 1: not opened up for twenty five thirty thirty five years,
Speaker 1: it's going to be hard for them to just come
Speaker 1: out with it because you asked a great question, exactly,
Speaker 1: And so it's not that you're wrong or it reflects
Speaker 1: badly on your relationship. I just think a lot of
Speaker 1: men just haven't been given the opportunity to be that absolutely.
Speaker 2: And the reality is for some men certain things, we
Speaker 2: just are not emotionally invested in or attached to the
Speaker 2: way that she might be. And so to her it's like,
Speaker 2: well you should feel something about this, and like, no,
Speaker 2: I really don't. I don't see this any kind of way.
Speaker 2: I don't want to go on with my day. And
Speaker 2: he may genuinely mean that, and so again it goes
Speaker 2: back to respecting the differences between the genders. We do
Speaker 2: not process the same, we do not feel the same
Speaker 2: a lot of times, right, so that's going to lead
Speaker 2: to different levels of expression because there's not as much
Speaker 2: to express in certain situations, and it's just like, again,
Speaker 2: you got to make sure you can be okay with that.
Speaker 2: It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases,
Speaker 2: it's just the okay, does that work for you or no?
Speaker 2: And if it doesn't, it's going to cause a problem.
Speaker 2: All right, then maybe we are in the wrong relationship.
Speaker 2: But otherwise all right, then we can still work past us.
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. I'm really glad we went there, because
Speaker 1: I think that's blucking so many people in that space.
Speaker 1: I feel like one of the big things that we
Speaker 1: talked about last time, and I wanted to talk about
Speaker 1: a bit differently this time is breakups, because I feel
Speaker 1: like there's still this feeling that people have and they
Speaker 1: can't not where if someone breaks up with you, it
Speaker 1: breaks your world. You take it completely, and it makes
Speaker 1: you lose faith in love. So someone not only broke
Speaker 1: up with you, they broke your faith in love, and
Speaker 1: now you don't believe love exists. What are the natural
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions we all have to go through in
Speaker 1: a breakup that you can't avoid.
Speaker 2: Well, one thing I want to point out before I
Speaker 2: get to that is this, I think we have to
Speaker 2: start with understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those
Speaker 2: two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion,
Speaker 2: all right. Like you'll hear people say, well, everyone deserves
Speaker 2: to be loved. Okay, they can be loved by their mother,
Speaker 2: by their friends, by society. Whoever, that doesn't mean you
Speaker 2: qualify for a relationship. And someone can love you or
Speaker 2: you can love someone, but if certain things aren't in
Speaker 2: place to have a successful relationship, it still won't work.
Speaker 2: So we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically
Speaker 2: mean someone doesn't love you, nor does someone want to
Speaker 2: be in a relationship.
Speaker 3: What you mean that they love you?
Speaker 2: Because a man, a man or woman who wants to
Speaker 2: use you could want to be in a relationship, but
Speaker 2: you can want to marry you. It has goning to
Speaker 2: do with love. It's two separate things, all right. Now,
Speaker 2: With that understood, what we have to understand what we're
Speaker 2: going through. A breakup is one All is not lost,
Speaker 2: Like we got to start there because it's so easy
Speaker 2: to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before
Speaker 2: our eyes. We're devastated. How we're going to get past this?
Speaker 2: And it's like, listen, all is not lost. There's been
Speaker 2: billions of people who have gone through a breakup and
Speaker 2: who have survived, but who all felt like in that moment,
Speaker 2: they don't know how they're going to continue. Okay, we
Speaker 2: have to remember this is just a moment. Life is
Speaker 2: about moments, right. If you let the moment get the
Speaker 2: best of you, it can throw everything off.
Speaker 3: But when you can.
Speaker 2: Conquer that moment, you're on the right track. You can
Speaker 2: keep moving forward in a good direction. So keep that
Speaker 2: in perspective. But of course that's hard to do when
Speaker 2: you're still going through the breakup. I also think going
Speaker 2: on back to the point that I made is stop
Speaker 2: questioning if they love you, okay, because that I think
Speaker 2: is what weighs on some people the most. It's like
Speaker 2: I gave them all this time and andrew all these years,
Speaker 2: and they didn't even love me. It's like no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: they could have still loved you. But there's another issue
Speaker 2: that exists here and what people this goes back to. Unfortunately,
Speaker 2: I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to
Speaker 2: thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations how
Speaker 2: much different issues play into why people do what they do. Okay,
Speaker 2: but everyone is so used to the very surface level
Speaker 2: perspective of well, okay, if, for example, if this person
Speaker 2: breaks up and they jump into a new relationship where
Speaker 2: clearly they never loved you, that's not true.
Speaker 3: Some people do.
Speaker 2: That because they love you so much and they can't
Speaker 2: deal with the pain and they figure, I need someone
Speaker 2: to distract me from this, so they don't love the
Speaker 2: new person.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: Now, granted, could it be the other way around it
Speaker 2: they never love you? That is possible. That is possible,
Speaker 2: but it isn't always what you think it is, all right,
Speaker 2: So trying to dwell on in question if they love me,
Speaker 2: it's not healthy because one, we cannot prove or disprove it. Okay,
Speaker 2: they can claim it. We just have to accept whatever
Speaker 2: is being presented to us. Because at the end of
Speaker 2: the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says
Speaker 2: guaranteed this was love or not love? But two, you
Speaker 2: just don't You can't rely on what you're seeing and
Speaker 2: experiencing to answer that question. And the question is less
Speaker 2: about do they love you? And the better question to
Speaker 2: ask yourself is are we best for each other right now?
Speaker 2: Because even if there's love, if we're not best for
Speaker 2: each other. Right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise,
Speaker 2: all right, And most breakups, if not all, are a
Speaker 2: blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing
Speaker 2: is in that moment. The blessing could simply be for
Speaker 2: some people, not all that the relationship just need a
Speaker 2: certain thing addressed, and you guys will be able to
Speaker 2: come back together and make it better than ever. The
Speaker 2: blessing might be this was never the person for you,
Speaker 2: and had they not broken up with you, you'd have never
Speaker 2: walked away from them. Like I've said to people, and
Speaker 2: this may sound bad, but it is just real. I've
Speaker 2: said at my shows before, some of you needed to
Speaker 2: be cheated on, because if you weren't, you would have
Speaker 2: never left that relationship. But you always knew was an
Speaker 2: unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred,
Speaker 2: but you were in denial of that and were trying
Speaker 2: to hold onto something that wasn't best for you, and
Speaker 2: you needed something strong enough to break you free from
Speaker 2: that situation. So it's a blessing as much as it
Speaker 2: hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to
Speaker 2: you mentioned it and that thing it's very important for
Speaker 2: me to understand is stop internalizing the whole thing, all right,
Speaker 2: because again, even in situations where people break up with
Speaker 2: us and they hurt us, and let's say, we can't
Speaker 2: point to anything wrong right that was done, we don't
Speaker 2: know what they're battling like, it's the whole hurt people
Speaker 2: hurt people, Okay, it's not really about us. There's something
Speaker 2: within them. So I recently had a situation where a
Speaker 2: woman's devastated because a man broke up with her because
Speaker 2: his family would not accept her. They did something that
Speaker 2: they weren't supposed to do early on in the process
Speaker 2: that goes against the family's beliefs.
Speaker 3: And even though.
Speaker 2: She's this man loves her, he wanted to marry her,
Speaker 2: but the family was like, they'll disown him if he
Speaker 2: goes forward with it. So in something like that, again,
Speaker 2: she has all these questions running through her head. She's
Speaker 2: internalizing and it's like, no, but there's something at play
Speaker 2: here that even he can't well, I'm not gonna say
Speaker 2: he can't control, because he can choose to not let
Speaker 2: his family. Yeah, exactly, But that's not as easy as oh,
Speaker 2: if you love someone, you'll do. No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right,
Speaker 2: So there's just so much more at play. So going
Speaker 2: back to the question of the emotions we go through
Speaker 2: during the breakup, the main thing is, I believe we
Speaker 2: do have to give ourselves a moment to grieve. It's normal,
Speaker 2: it's okay. And in grieving it's about releasing, all right.
Speaker 2: So if you need to cry, cry, right, if you're angry,
Speaker 2: let yourself be angry, flush out, detox all those emotions.
Speaker 2: But then we have to pick a deadline. Like I'm
Speaker 2: a believer in I don't give myself anymore than three days,
Speaker 2: all right, three days to grieve whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt.
Speaker 2: After three days, get back on my feet, get to
Speaker 2: work and go through my healing process.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: For some people it might be seven days, for somebody
Speaker 2: else might be two, whatever the case may be. You
Speaker 2: have to give yourself a structure of all right, I'm
Speaker 2: not gonna dwell in this, I'm gonna start working past
Speaker 2: this in a healthy way. Because again, too many people
Speaker 2: focus on the whole get under someone, to get over someone,
Speaker 2: which is completely unhealthy and bad. Okay, and all these
Speaker 2: other methods of trying to move forward that are only
Speaker 2: keeping them stuck emotionally, but they're moving.
Speaker 3: Forward on the surface, all right.
Speaker 2: So there's a lot of people who've moved on to
Speaker 2: other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally, and
Speaker 2: they do not realize how that is still playing a
Speaker 2: part not only in who you choose to be with,
Speaker 2: but in how you show up in that relationship.
Speaker 1: For sure, man, for sure. Yeah, it's such a When
Speaker 1: I'm listening to you speak, I'm just thinking, like, there
Speaker 1: are so many people carrying someone else's baggage into a
Speaker 1: new relationship and not allowing the new person to be
Speaker 1: the person they are, and you realize it's your old
Speaker 1: baggage that's blocking this one, Yeah, and their old baggage
Speaker 1: that's blocking this one, and then you may lose that
Speaker 1: one in that. Do you believe that there's right person, wrong.
Speaker 2: Time, Absolutely, I'm one hundred percent believer in that. I
Speaker 2: know a lot of people argue against it, but I
Speaker 2: have so many stories of people who let's say met
Speaker 2: in college, right and something went wrong, and then ten
Speaker 2: fifteen years later reunite and maybe even in between that
Speaker 2: time married someone else or utter relationships or whatever, and
Speaker 2: now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever. Again,
Speaker 2: it goes back to people understanding love is one thing,
Speaker 2: relationship is another. So you can experience connection, you can
Speaker 2: experience real love. But if that person still has things
Speaker 2: they need to heal from, it is very likely going
Speaker 2: to derail the situation.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves
Speaker 2: together in certain ways that they can feel more secure
Speaker 2: about themselves, that's going to derail the situation. People need
Speaker 2: to evolve. It's not as simple as, oh, we love
Speaker 2: each other, everything's.
Speaker 3: Supposed to work perfectly. That's not life.
Speaker 2: That's not real life. I would love for it to
Speaker 2: be that way, it's just not and so a lot
Speaker 2: of people don't accept the fact that. And I'm a
Speaker 2: very spiritual person, so I believe in praying about everything,
Speaker 2: and I believe one of the mistakes people make is
Speaker 2: that that for those who are believers, they don't pray
Speaker 2: and talk to God about if they should move forward
Speaker 2: or if they should be with this person, and they
Speaker 2: don't realize that sometimes we could be presented with something
Speaker 2: so that we can see that it's there, but doesn't
Speaker 2: mean it's.
Speaker 3: Time for us to have it yet.
Speaker 2: It's almost like sometimes you can be presented with an
Speaker 2: opportunity business wise and you may feel like, yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: ready for let's let's do it. Boom boom, but you're
Speaker 2: not really prepared.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: If you went from a spiritual place and understood and
Speaker 2: let God your spirit guide you, it would tell you, no,
Speaker 2: slow down, don't do it just yet.
Speaker 3: But think about it.
Speaker 2: Like the person who they win the lottery, they win
Speaker 2: millions of dollars, They've been hoping for this all their
Speaker 2: life and they blow through that million in a few months,
Speaker 2: or their whole life is ruined. Why it was not
Speaker 2: time for them to have that kind of money. They
Speaker 2: did not learn the lessons they need to learn. They
Speaker 2: were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or
Speaker 2: whatever access. And the same thing happens in relationships. People
Speaker 2: aren't ready for that level of vulnerability. They're not ready
Speaker 2: for that level of responsibility.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: Perfect example is like if a woman finds her first
Speaker 2: love in high school or man or woman. But I'll
Speaker 2: say this happens a lot to women where she's head
Speaker 2: over heels over this guy. But this is a young
Speaker 2: man who has not developed at all emotionally chances are
Speaker 2: he's gonna mess up and this situation is gonna fall apart.
Speaker 2: And those who have survived, not all, but many who
Speaker 2: have survived finding love that young, they either one just
Speaker 2: dealt with all the bumps and stayed together, or they
Speaker 2: had that village around them to help them get through
Speaker 2: these situations to teach them. He had guidance, She had
Speaker 2: guidance that allowed them to have love and make.
Speaker 3: It work at such a young age.
Speaker 2: So when you hear about back in the days people
Speaker 2: marrying younger, yet they had community that made a huge difference.
Speaker 2: But now you have people essentially on an island being young,
Speaker 2: trying to make a relationship work, and it's like yo,
Speaker 2: like we're asking too much. Some people get lucky, but
Speaker 2: the majority won't survive that. And I'm using a high
Speaker 2: school example, But that can happen. That can happen as
Speaker 2: grown adults. People could be thirty forty is fifty years
Speaker 2: old older and certain things have stunted their emotional growth
Speaker 2: and they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment.
Speaker 2: So yeah, but again that doesn't mean they're the wrong person, okay,
Speaker 2: because the person is about the character, it's about the
Speaker 2: traits that fit together that can be in harmony with
Speaker 2: each other. But they still have to develop certain aspects
Speaker 2: that will allow a relationship to thrive, which is why
Speaker 2: some people I feel the need to say, it's kind
Speaker 2: of hitting my spirit. You'll havyse situations where they can
Speaker 2: be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship right.
Speaker 2: And for some of those people, it's a matter of
Speaker 2: when they try to be in a relationationship, they were
Speaker 2: not emotionally ready for that, and there was conflict in
Speaker 2: how we handled that. But who they are as people,
Speaker 2: it's like this, right, So that's why the friendship continues.
Speaker 2: And now I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say it, for at least some of these people,
Speaker 2: that's their true love for sure. But because everything went
Speaker 2: wrong the first go round, they're too afraid to leave
Speaker 2: the friendship box. So now it's like, nah, let's just
Speaker 2: be friends. That's what we operate best, right, But in reality, no,
Speaker 2: you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal and
Speaker 2: you will actually be able to come back together.
Speaker 3: For some people, not all.
Speaker 2: I don't want every friend person right now thinking that's
Speaker 2: their situation.
Speaker 1: Always want of that is you know, it happens a lot.
Speaker 1: I love that, Stefan. I've got one last question for you,
Speaker 1: and it applies to Buves. He'll be two two answers.
Speaker 1: If there's a man and a woman listening right now,
Speaker 1: and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, uncomfident
Speaker 1: about relationships, They've had a bit of rough luck. They're
Speaker 1: trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept
Speaker 1: who they are. They're doing the healing, but they're in
Speaker 1: a tough place. What would you say to them?
Speaker 2: Just keep pushing forward, like, don't get discouraged. You know,
Speaker 2: everything is a process. It's like even trying to become successful.
Speaker 2: The majority, if not every successful person that I know,
Speaker 2: has a story of having to go through the grind
Speaker 2: and having moments where we want to quit. We want
Speaker 2: to give up with like this is not working anymore,
Speaker 2: I can't keep doing this. But we trusted, whether it
Speaker 2: be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing and eventually
Speaker 2: the breakthrough happens and then boom, we're successful the rest
Speaker 2: of our lives. As long as we keep working, we're successful.
Speaker 2: And so with dating and relationships. I believe it's the
Speaker 2: same thing. People want love to be this very popping
Speaker 2: in the microwave and everything's ready, and it's like, no,
Speaker 2: it's a process. And you may have to meet several people,
Speaker 2: and I say meet. I'm understanding, you have to get
Speaker 2: romantically involved with everybody. But you're gonna have to come
Speaker 2: across some situations. You're gonna have to learn, you have
Speaker 2: to grow. And even when you're doing all the right things,
Speaker 2: don't think it's not working. It reminds me of working out.
Speaker 2: You can work out for months, do all the right things,
Speaker 2: look at yourself in mirror and be like, there's no progress.
Speaker 2: Why because all you're looking at is your stomach and
Speaker 2: you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way
Speaker 2: I want.
Speaker 3: But what you're felling to look.
Speaker 2: At is your arms are more cut, you got more
Speaker 2: muscles in your legs, your stamina is up.
Speaker 3: What you're doing is working.
Speaker 2: You're just looking at the one final result to validate
Speaker 2: the work. So understand that in this process you are growing.
Speaker 2: It is working, things are developing, but yes, the relationship
Speaker 2: result may take a little bit longer. And it's kind
Speaker 2: of going back to that fitness example. What they tell
Speaker 2: you is when you're losing fat. Sometimes it'll lose everywhere
Speaker 2: and then the stomach will be the last place, and
Speaker 2: when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy.
Speaker 2: So it's the same thing. You might be seeing all
Speaker 2: these other things improve first and you're not seeing the relationship.
Speaker 2: You've not seen the relationship. But then when it finally hits,
Speaker 2: it's great, it's amazing. So just keep pushing forward, keep
Speaker 2: doing what you need to do, continue to be open
Speaker 2: to whatever you need to improve upon. Never get in
Speaker 2: the mindset of well I'm great and the world is
Speaker 2: just ridiculous. It's like, no, what can I continue to
Speaker 2: do better? What can I tweak? What adjustments can I make?
Speaker 2: Because sometimes it is a matter of a small adjustment
Speaker 2: that will make a huge difference. And I think as
Speaker 2: long as you keep an open mind and you don't
Speaker 2: view not having the result right now as a defeat.
Speaker 2: Right you understand this is a process, you will get
Speaker 2: to your destination at some point.
Speaker 1: Well said Stefan Speaks. Thank you always ste find out
Speaker 1: I appreciate these conversations with you. You always have like
Speaker 1: this ability to just pull things apart, to really look
Speaker 1: at them. For what they are. I really appreciate you man.
Speaker 1: The way you think about things is so refreshing and
Speaker 1: all encompassing. And I hope everyone's been listening or watching.
Speaker 1: I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place
Speaker 1: because of the advice that Stefan said today. And please
Speaker 1: make sure you subscribe to Steffan's YouTube channel, check out
Speaker 1: his books if you're someone who loves reading and listening
Speaker 1: audiobooks too.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and Stefan is the anywhere else you'd like to
Speaker 1: be able to find you right now or anything you
Speaker 1: got going on there, just.
Speaker 2: Go to my site Stefan Speech Shop, or on my YouTube,
Speaker 2: you know, check me out. Hopefully I can connect with
Speaker 2: more and more people and just help as many people
Speaker 2: as possible find love and find just a better overall life.
Speaker 2: It's not just about relationship. Well at least it starts
Speaker 2: relationship with self, you know, and getting that right and
Speaker 2: everything else falling in place. Well for me self and
Speaker 2: God mooney, we're excited to have you back. You'll always
Speaker 2: have an opening. Then, thank you, my friend, thank you,
Speaker 2: thank you.
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
Speaker 1: be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
Speaker 1: future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
Speaker 1: self is doing something that gives him or her a
Speaker 1: shot at a happy and a peaceful life