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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever. You can

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Speaker 1: see my on Purpose podcast live and in person. Join

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Speaker 1: me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations

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Speaker 1: with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert,

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Speaker 1: or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences

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Speaker 1: designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections.

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Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on

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Speaker 1: cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today.

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Speaker 2: Most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise.

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Speaker 2: We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.

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Speaker 1: Do you believe that there's right person, wrong time.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, It's not as simple as oh, we love each other.

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Speaker 2: Everything's supposed to work perfectly. Love is one thing. Relationship

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Speaker 2: is another.

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Speaker 1: One of the most sought after relationship coaches in.

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Speaker 2: The world, the most popular voice in the relationship education space,

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Speaker 2: Stefan speaks to you right now.

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Speaker 1: In dating, men have a bad reputation.

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Speaker 2: Is it fair, completely unfair when she goes on that

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Speaker 2: date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong,

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Speaker 2: she may leave out parts of what she did to

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Speaker 2: contribute to the problem. I think people are not having

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Speaker 2: success in dating because people are not accepting who.

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Speaker 3: They are first like that.

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Speaker 2: There are things about us we know, but society makes

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Speaker 2: us feel shamed about it.

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Speaker 1: How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate.

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Speaker 2: My initial response is gonna be you don't communicate with

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Speaker 2: them at all.

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Speaker 3: You let them go.

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Speaker 2: But if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems,

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Speaker 2: things that need to be addressed.

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Speaker 3: If we can't discuss it, how can we fix it.

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Speaker 3: We base our.

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Speaker 2: Perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables.

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Speaker 2: I always say the way to determine how serious someone

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Speaker 2: is about you is.

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Speaker 3: The number one health and wellness podcast Shetty.

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Speaker 1: Ja Shetty Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the

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Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world where you come

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Speaker 1: to listen, learn and grow. Thank you to all of

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Speaker 1: you who made us one of the top global shows

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Speaker 1: on Spotify wrapped. If you've been listening on there, I

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Speaker 1: am so deeply grateful to you. It was amazing to

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Speaker 1: see that connection with all of you. And today we

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Speaker 1: have back the biggest episode, the biggest guest of the

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Speaker 1: last twelve months on YouTube, someone you love, someone you

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Speaker 1: love to learn from, who has so much great insights,

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Speaker 1: so much great wisdom, so many great tools. And what

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Speaker 1: we both loved is that it was a deep, meaningful

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Speaker 1: conversation that you all connected with. Please welcome back to

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Speaker 1: on Purpose. Stefan speaks, Stefan, it is great to have

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Speaker 1: you here, Glad. Honestly, like we were just talking about it,

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Speaker 1: I was so happy to see that a non clickbait conversation,

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Speaker 1: a non kind of engine needed conversation. It was actually

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Speaker 1: the first time.

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Speaker 3: We met, yeah, exactly, and.

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Speaker 1: We just got into it and the audience in community responded.

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Speaker 1: It was beautiful to see. So thank you for doing

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Speaker 1: this again. Absolutely, man, all right, I want to dive

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Speaker 1: straight in like we Digitous do it. I want to

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Speaker 1: dive straight in. What are the biggest issues that men

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Speaker 1: and women are facing when trying to meet the right

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Speaker 1: people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person.

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Speaker 2: I think one of the biggest issues we have in

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Speaker 2: this world right now is we are refusing to accept

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Speaker 2: the differences between the average man and the average woman. Now,

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Speaker 2: I say the average man average women, because I understand

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Speaker 2: our exceptions to every rule, nothing applied to one hundred percent. However,

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Speaker 2: we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're

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Speaker 2: going to have conflict in relationships. So one that comes

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Speaker 2: to mind, and I don't know this, this one I was

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Speaker 2: recently talking about. There's this push that people want to

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Speaker 2: say women want sex as much as men, right, that

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Speaker 2: they want to just as match. That's an absolute lie. Okay,

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Speaker 2: as far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true. Now,

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Speaker 2: I was at a conference, well not a conference I

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Speaker 2: was once flown into. It was one of those dating

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Speaker 2: sites they had. They brought a few experts in. They

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Speaker 2: had this presentation and there was a scientist who brought

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Speaker 2: out this study that showed that quote unquote, women want

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Speaker 2: sex as much as men. And I told her, I said,

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Speaker 2: I think there's something wrong here. I think what the

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Speaker 2: study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex, and the

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Speaker 2: reality is that women want intimacy. Okay, if I always say,

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Speaker 2: if you had door number one, door number two, door

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Speaker 2: number one is just straight sex. Doing number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy,

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Speaker 2: All that the majority of women are choosing door number two.

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Speaker 2: The majority of men are choosing door number one. The

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Speaker 2: reason why this is so important to accept, and this

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Speaker 2: is just one example of the built in differences of.

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Speaker 3: Who we are that we've got to learn to.

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Speaker 2: Just accept it is because now if a man gets

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Speaker 2: with a woman being told we are the same, we

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Speaker 2: want sex the same way, he does not understand how

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Speaker 2: to speak to her in a way that makes her sex.

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Speaker 3: She res to him. He thinks, oh, if we just

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Speaker 3: like sex, we like sex.

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Speaker 2: If your honey, your horney, that's it and the story,

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Speaker 2: and no, for the majority of women, there is a

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Speaker 2: mental and emotional component you have to be aware of.

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Speaker 2: If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed,

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Speaker 2: if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire

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Speaker 2: or willingness to engage sexually. So by feeding this narrative

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Speaker 2: that we are the same in all these ways, we

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Speaker 2: are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences,

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Speaker 2: and speak to those differences, which will then allow us

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Speaker 2: to have more harmony in relationships. And I feel that

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Speaker 2: if we could do that and really respect the other

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Speaker 2: gender's position on things. And of course you don't go

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Speaker 2: in just assuming all these generalized things apply to each person,

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Speaker 2: but they can be your basic foundation and then you

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Speaker 2: learn that individual and understand, okay, well, with her, maybe

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Speaker 2: she does want sex more than I do, right, Or

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Speaker 2: with this one, maybe she wants a little bit more

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Speaker 2: at this open and you are flexible. But I think

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Speaker 2: if people took that approach, they would have better dating experiences,

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Speaker 2: better relationships, much better marriages.

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Speaker 3: All right.

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Speaker 2: Because I can't tell you how many times I was

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Speaker 2: spoken to a husband and I was like, listen, emotionally, mentally,

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Speaker 2: she's not in the right place, and he's like, that

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Speaker 2: sounds stupid.

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Speaker 3: That doesn't say exactly.

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Speaker 2: And because and I have to say to the women,

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Speaker 2: some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating,

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Speaker 2: she doesn't talk about.

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Speaker 3: Those things being important to her.

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Speaker 2: She kind of plays along with the all right, she

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Speaker 2: just wants sex that much and she's just ready to

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Speaker 2: go at it with him, so he never learns and understands, no,

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Speaker 2: she needs more than that, all right, So we can Again,

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Speaker 2: there's so many different examples I could give, but I

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Speaker 2: do think one of the key things to people not

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Speaker 2: just meeting them. And I'll say I'll I'll get to

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Speaker 2: that in a second, but one of the key things

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Speaker 2: to mean the right person is just respecting the differences

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Speaker 2: of men and women. Now, piggy backing off of that,

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Speaker 2: the second thing is I think people are not having

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Speaker 2: success in dating because people are not accepting who they

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Speaker 2: are first.

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Speaker 3: All right, Now, a lot.

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Speaker 2: Of people may say you have to learn who you

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Speaker 2: are or to figure it out.

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Speaker 3: I think a lot of life is accepting who we are.

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Speaker 2: I like that there are things about us we know,

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Speaker 2: but society makes us feel shamed about it, tells us

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Speaker 2: there's something wrong with this, you know, And so now

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Speaker 2: we run away from certain realities of who we are.

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Speaker 2: One example I give for myself, I'm extremely ambitious. Maybe

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Speaker 2: two ambitious. I don't know if there's a such thing,

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Speaker 2: but I'm very, very ambitious. And for me, I'm always

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Speaker 2: striving for the next I gotta do more, I gotta

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Speaker 2: do more. I gotta conquer the next thing. But for

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Speaker 2: a long time I was told this was bad. Oh

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Speaker 2: you need to just enjoy the moment, celebrate it, stop

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Speaker 2: worrying about the next thing. All these things, and I

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Speaker 2: remember I took a month where I said, Okay, you

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Speaker 2: know what, I'm not gonna pursue anything else, I'm just

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Speaker 2: gonna rest in what I have be happy with it.

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Speaker 2: And it was one of my most depressed months in

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Speaker 2: my life.

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Speaker 1: All right.

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Speaker 2: I felt like a newter dog. It was like you

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Speaker 2: took all the fire out of me. And when I

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Speaker 2: finally got to a place of accepting, Okay, this is

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Speaker 2: who I am, and I'm wired this way for a reason.

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Speaker 2: God created me this way because there's a purpose for

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Speaker 2: me to carry out. How that then opens up the

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Speaker 2: dating or how that creates better dating experiences that now,

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Speaker 2: by me knowing this part of me and accepting it,

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Speaker 2: I understand, I can only choose someone who aligns.

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Speaker 3: With that, you see.

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Speaker 2: But if I'm sitting here trying to be something i'm not,

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Speaker 2: then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me,

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Speaker 2: and I don't fit them. And that's why you have

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Speaker 2: these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up

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Speaker 2: five years later from this fog, this excitement they had

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Speaker 2: of their partner to finally see what's really there. And

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Speaker 2: it's like, we don't really like each other, or we

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Speaker 2: don't get along, or we don't really fit well together,

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Speaker 2: and we're constantly in conflict with each other. So if

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Speaker 2: we would just first really put more energy into understanding

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Speaker 2: who we are, accepting who we are, and then we

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Speaker 2: can then realize who we need to pick that alignance

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Speaker 2: with that that would change the landscape. And not only

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Speaker 2: would that change the landscape for so many people, it

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Speaker 2: would allow us to stop letting situations drag on longer

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Speaker 2: than they should. Because a lot of people, they meet someone,

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Speaker 2: they really like them, but they can sense something's missing

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Speaker 2: or something's off. But the problem with people is that

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Speaker 2: they're being told if you have this great person, you

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Speaker 2: can't pass that up.

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Speaker 3: You see, if you don't.

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Speaker 2: Have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid,

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Speaker 2: oh well, then you're being stupid or being ridiculous. It's like, no,

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Speaker 2: you have to trust your spirit, trust your intuition. Something

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Speaker 2: is telling you and it's probably something that you can see,

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Speaker 2: but maybe you can't articulate it, or again you don't

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Speaker 2: feel like it's valid enough.

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Speaker 3: But I can tell you.

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Speaker 2: From my position, those little things is what turns into

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Speaker 2: a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, And a third one that doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to be.

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Speaker 2: But I would say this, so you know, we said

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Speaker 2: understand the differences understand yourself, and the third one would

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Speaker 2: be healing. I have to always mention that because I

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Speaker 2: believe the number one issue that people are facing is

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Speaker 2: a lack of healing, and that plays into figuring yourself

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Speaker 2: out because again, you if you are operating out of

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Speaker 2: a place of fear or shame, or you've been told

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Speaker 2: you weren't good enough, or something about you wasn't good

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Speaker 2: even though that wasn't the case, well, that's going to

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Speaker 2: make you struggle with embracing that, right. And if you

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Speaker 2: aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of

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Speaker 2: relationships love because a lot of people with their words

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Speaker 2: say I want love, but in reality, they're scared of

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Speaker 2: it all right. They fear being that vulnerable, so they

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Speaker 2: actually subconsciously choose partners who don't make them too vulnerable,

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Speaker 2: but they're good enough to be with, so to speak,

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Speaker 2: which is what I call the safe choice. Some people

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Speaker 2: hear me say the same choice, and they miss understand

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying. I'm not saying safe as in this

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Speaker 2: person creates a place of safety for you. I'm saying

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Speaker 2: this person doesn't take you to the true level of love,

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Speaker 2: true vulnerability you're able to have emotional control and manage

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Speaker 2: the situation. But because of that, you're never choosing someone

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Speaker 2: you're really into, and you can never be what they

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Speaker 2: really need either, And at some point it's going to

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Speaker 2: fall all apart. But it all goes back to healing.

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Speaker 2: We've got to heal, and not just heal from the

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Speaker 2: romantic relationships, from childhood, trauma, from everything, because it all

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Speaker 2: contributes to our struggle to connect with other individuals.

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Speaker 1: A man, you said so many interesting things. I need

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Speaker 1: to like dissact now. So the first thing that came

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Speaker 1: to my mind, especially about the accepting yourself, which I

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Speaker 1: really like that idea of, rather than trying to just

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Speaker 1: learn about yourself or rather than trying to transform yourself,

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Speaker 1: there's an acceptance like who am I? Why am I

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Speaker 1: this way? What does that mean? And I feel like

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Speaker 1: in relationships, people looking for someone who perfectly compliments them

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Speaker 1: or perfectly fits them, as opposed to this idea that, oh,

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Speaker 1: that person accepts me for who I am and allows

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Speaker 1: me to be who I am. So I always say this,

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Speaker 1: I'm similar to you. I'm highly ambitious, really driven, love

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Speaker 1: what I get to do. I would be the same

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Speaker 1: as you if I took a mol like, I get that,

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Speaker 1: like I relate to all of those things, and my

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Speaker 1: wife is so much more like a family person like

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Speaker 1: quality Time. Wants to be ambitious, but she also wants

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Speaker 1: to be present and all the rest of it right,

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Speaker 1: and we are not a perfect fit in that sense,

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Speaker 1: But the reason it works for us is because she

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Speaker 1: allows me to be me and I allow her to

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Speaker 1: be her. I've accepted who I am and I know

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Speaker 1: what that means, and she accepts me and I accept

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Speaker 1: her back. So if I say to her, hey, you know,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I'm going to come to that family

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Speaker 1: event because I got this work thing that I really

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Speaker 1: want to get to, she accepts her. She's okay with that.

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Speaker 1: And if she said to me, I don't really want

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Speaker 1: to come up to you that business thing that you've

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Speaker 1: got today, I really want to just spend time with

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Speaker 1: my family, I'll be like cool. I get it, And

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Speaker 1: I feel like we're just looking for someone who kind

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Speaker 1: of wants to do the thing we want to do

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Speaker 1: with us all the time. But then you start realizing

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Speaker 1: it becomes about one person. But talking about ambition, I

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Speaker 1: wanted to ask you, do you think that men today

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Speaker 1: are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women.

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Speaker 2: Yes, but so okay, I guess the reason why I'm

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Speaker 2: hesitating in the way I answer that is when you

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Speaker 2: say men today, because I would argue it's probably always

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Speaker 2: been like that. I just think that there's more ambitious

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Speaker 2: women now, and so there is this disconnect there. And

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Speaker 2: I think that the disconnect, though, isn't simply based off

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Speaker 2: of men not wanting an ambitious woman. I think we

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Speaker 2: got to go a lot deeper than that.

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Speaker 1: Let's do it.

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Speaker 2: And the unfortunate reality is that, and I want women

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Speaker 2: to understand. You know, again, I recognize that there are

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Speaker 2: some women who genuinely are wired that way, all right.

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Speaker 2: They it feeds them the same way it feeds us.

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Speaker 2: It feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff.

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Speaker 2: And I'm a firm believer. I want women to walk

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Speaker 2: in their truth, whatever it is. I will say, though,

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Speaker 2: there's a segment, at least a segment, a large segment

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Speaker 2: of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or

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Speaker 2: even fear. They've been told never rely on the man.

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Speaker 2: They've been told you have to take care of yourself, right,

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Speaker 2: and so with that they chase this career, but it's

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Speaker 2: actually at conflict with who they really are because deep

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Speaker 2: inside they actually are the women that values the family

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Speaker 2: time more being at the home, and there's nothing wrong

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Speaker 2: with that, but they have a segment of society telling them, oh,

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Speaker 2: you can't do that's wrong. You need to be out

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Speaker 2: there strong women to do your own thing. And so

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Speaker 2: those women will have a conflict in data because they're

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Speaker 2: already at conflict with themselves, okay, and that has to

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Speaker 2: be corrected. I always encourage women like, listen, be real

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Speaker 2: with yourself. There's a lot of women who they do

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Speaker 2: the work that they do not because they love the

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Speaker 2: work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle

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Speaker 2: that affords them okay, which is why for many of them,

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Speaker 2: whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date

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Speaker 2: a man who's making less right, well, part of it

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Speaker 2: is because in the back of her mind, if she

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Speaker 2: has a dream of one day being able to leave work,

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Speaker 2: she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up, okay,

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Speaker 2: and if he's making less well, then in her mind,

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Speaker 2: how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and

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Speaker 2: maintain him It's like, no, he's got to be making

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Speaker 2: as much or if not more, so I can keep

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Speaker 2: this life that I've built for myself and I love

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Speaker 2: very much. But again, I think it all starts with understanding, Okay,

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Speaker 2: is this really who you are or not? Now going

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Speaker 2: back to the men, I do think there is a

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Speaker 2: struggle with a lot of men. One of the things

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Speaker 2: that at least it comes to mind first for me,

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Speaker 2: the issue.

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Speaker 3: Of low testos wrong.

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Speaker 2: And so I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue,

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Speaker 2: and I do want men to understand it's deeper than

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Speaker 2: just testosterone, because sometimes we're so fixed. Like you could

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Speaker 2: have high testosterone, but if your quartersole levels are too high,

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Speaker 2: your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly. Your stress

329
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Speaker 2: is blocking it, if your vitamin D is too low,

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Speaker 2: if you're be too there's other things that can throw

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Speaker 2: it off. So don't think of life as let me

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Speaker 2: just fix my testosterone and that's it.

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Speaker 3: But that could be a huge game changer for out

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Speaker 3: of men.

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Speaker 2: So if you have a man who's already because I

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Speaker 2: always say some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy, all right.

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Speaker 2: And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone,

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Speaker 2: his ability to handle embrace respect and ambitious. It's going

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Speaker 2: to be a struggle in some ways. Well, it'll be

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Speaker 2: a struggle in the sense that it might make him

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Speaker 2: feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with

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Speaker 2: that ambition. However, I would argue that some of those men,

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Speaker 2: a lot of those men, probably want the ambitious woman

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Speaker 2: simply because for him, I need somebody who can carry

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Speaker 2: the load, okay, And if she's gonna come into my

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Speaker 2: life and stabilize.

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Speaker 3: Me, then great.

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Speaker 2: The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want

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Speaker 2: that man.

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Speaker 3: She's probably in.

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Speaker 2: Most cases looking for a man who is also ambitious.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: And this is where the disconnect comes, because now it's

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Speaker 2: kind of like the whole discussion of having two alphas

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Speaker 2: in a relationship, two very strong personalities. There's no real

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Speaker 2: balance there, okay. And for a lot of women, what

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Speaker 2: they're overlooking is what most men value, or at least

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Speaker 2: most men who are ambitious themselves, who do take care

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Speaker 2: of themselves. They're looking for a compliment to that. They're

360
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Speaker 2: looking for someone who can love them, pour into them,

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Speaker 2: you know, contribute to a peaceful environment. He doesn't care

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Speaker 2: about your money and your ambition as much.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: But the guy who doesn't have for himself, Well, he's

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Speaker 2: gonna put more value on those things, and it becomes

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Speaker 2: this mismatch of individuals. So a lot of these women

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Speaker 2: who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man.

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Speaker 2: They're struggling to get the type of men they desire,

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Speaker 2: all right. And again, as I said earlier about how

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Speaker 2: we focus on the desirables not the non desirables. When

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Speaker 2: she says I can't meet anyone, she's not literally saying

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Speaker 2: I can't meet any man. She's just saying I'm not

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Speaker 2: meeting anyone I actually like and want to pay attention to.

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Speaker 3: So in her mind, I'm not.

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Speaker 2: Meeting anyone, you see. And so there is a problem

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Speaker 2: with a lot of men. And I do think again,

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Speaker 2: I would pose the question to a lot of women,

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Speaker 2: are you going to be happy in the long run

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00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,879
Speaker 2: in that kind of a dynamic? You know, is that

380
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,600
Speaker 2: really going to serve you? Or is that a right

381
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,399
Speaker 2: now in the moment thing. Because there's a lot of

382
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Speaker 2: ambitious women who accepted maybe the less ambitious man right

383
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Speaker 2: because he thinks, all right, well, he loves me is

384
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,679
Speaker 2: going to you know, he'll be there for me. I

385
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,840
Speaker 2: can trust this relationship but in over time she becomes

386
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Speaker 2: frustrated with him. You know, he doesn't take initiative. He's

387
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Speaker 2: not as asserative as she wants him to be. He

388
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,240
Speaker 2: doesn't exude the same level of mask andrew that she

389
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 2: desires for a man, and that will take its toll

390
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,800
Speaker 2: and eventually it will probably blow up the whole relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's it's a tough situation to be in

392
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,000
Speaker 1: because you just don't have any idea where things are

393
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,639
Speaker 1: going to go right. You don't know, Like I always

394
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,920
Speaker 1: say that when my wife met me, I was in

395
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Speaker 1: debt and had no job, and she was, you know,

396
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Speaker 1: wonderful enough to be in love with me in that

397
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Speaker 1: place in my life, and we didn't know that things

398
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Speaker 1: were ever going to change. But she was kind of like,

399
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,120
Speaker 1: as long as we're stable and you find a job

400
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,679
Speaker 1: and we're good, then things will be great. And I

401
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,320
Speaker 1: remember that giving me a lot of confidence, Like even

402
00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:50,600
Speaker 1: though I was in such a like place of like

403
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,080
Speaker 1: I remember, I was getting rejected from companies. I wasn't

404
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 1: getting any jobs because I just left the monastery, like

405
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,440
Speaker 1: I wasn't. It was really tough getting back from the work,

406
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,120
Speaker 1: but her being there it kind of gave me confidence

407
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,640
Speaker 1: in myself and kind of made me go, oh wow, Well,

408
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,800
Speaker 1: if a woman like that can, you know, believe enough

409
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,520
Speaker 1: to be with a man like me, then then I've

410
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,639
Speaker 1: got to work for it now. And I think the

411
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 1: key is are you willing to do that in a

412
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,640
Speaker 1: way that gives someone confidence or are you someone who

413
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,920
Speaker 1: gets so affected by it? Well, no matter where gender

414
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,240
Speaker 1: you are, well you're now making the other person feel

415
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,400
Speaker 1: bad for it. Right, whatever gender you are, if you're

416
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 1: always like, oh, come on, you're just lazy, Come on,

417
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 1: you need to do more. If you feel that way

418
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,680
Speaker 1: about your partner, chances are that that's going to push

419
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,480
Speaker 1: them away, not motivate them to do better.

420
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,720
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But I think what has to be considered in

421
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,200
Speaker 2: like using your situation as example, is that she didn't

422
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,040
Speaker 2: have to create ambition in you. She activated it, she

423
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,439
Speaker 2: energized it, okay, but it already existed with her to you.

424
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,960
Speaker 2: So for her it was very fortunate that thing said,

425
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,320
Speaker 2: she found a man who actually wanted to make more

426
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,400
Speaker 2: of himself. The unfortunate reality is that there's a lot

427
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,360
Speaker 2: of women who will take that approach with a man

428
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 2: and believe that Okay, if I love on him and

429
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,760
Speaker 2: point into him, this will get him to step up,

430
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 2: and it's like, no, he does not have it in him,

431
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,160
Speaker 2: and nothing you can do. Like, when you think about it,

432
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,800
Speaker 2: anyone who's successful has had experiences where whether it be friends, family,

433
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,560
Speaker 2: or random people, where you've tried to help someone and

434
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 2: no matter what you.

435
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,120
Speaker 3: Gave, you can give them the whole blueprint, right, you can.

436
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 2: Fund them, you can do everything, and it still becomes

437
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,920
Speaker 2: nothing because it's just not in them. We cannot make

438
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,400
Speaker 2: them into something that they're not. So I think it's

439
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,400
Speaker 2: important that for a woman, if you're gonna take that approach,

440
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,800
Speaker 2: you have to do your due diligence of understanding who

441
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,000
Speaker 2: he is as a man, his true character. Are you

442
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,800
Speaker 2: projecting a fantasy and a POTENTI on him that doesn't

443
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 2: really exist?

444
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 3: All right? What does he see in himself?

445
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,359
Speaker 2: Like I would argue, I don't even know what conversations

446
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,520
Speaker 2: you guys had, but there's a very good chance that

447
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,400
Speaker 2: if I was there, you were speaking as a man

448
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,679
Speaker 2: who wanted to accomplish things. So she was just all right,

449
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,200
Speaker 2: I'm gonna support that, I'm gonna get behind you. That's

450
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,680
Speaker 2: very different from a woman saying to him like for example,

451
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 2: well you could do this and you can become this,

452
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,639
Speaker 2: and it's like, okay, No, he has to want that.

453
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,359
Speaker 3: He has to have that vision, you see.

454
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,720
Speaker 2: And I think that's where people, you know, get tripped

455
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,720
Speaker 2: up and end up in the situations where and to

456
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,040
Speaker 2: your point, the key is ask yourself, as a woman,

457
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,640
Speaker 2: are you gonna be okay if this man never changes?

458
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,520
Speaker 2: Because you're placing a bet, all right, there's no guarantee

459
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,080
Speaker 2: you're gonna win this bet. Are you gonna be okay

460
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:34,000
Speaker 2: this man never changes? If not, I would suggest, because

461
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 2: here's another angle. We could look at her presence. Her

462
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,159
Speaker 2: love gave you confidence, But did that have to be

463
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,800
Speaker 2: given within the context of a girlfriend boyfriend relationship exactly?

464
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,679
Speaker 2: So if a woman really believes in the man, but

465
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,240
Speaker 2: she knows if this man doesn't change, I'm gonna be

466
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 2: really upset, all right, and I'm gonna feel cheated. Then

467
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 2: all we're saying is maybe don't cross romantic lines yet.

468
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,720
Speaker 2: Let that man know, because I'll tell you that if

469
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,919
Speaker 2: he has it in him and he has a desire

470
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,359
Speaker 2: for that woman, and that woman said to him, listen,

471
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 2: I think you can make a great partner. I would

472
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,240
Speaker 2: love to be with you, but I need you to

473
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,160
Speaker 2: get to a more stable place first. If he's serious,

474
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,400
Speaker 2: that's his motivation right there. That will get him because

475
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,280
Speaker 2: as long as he knows, oh, I can get the

476
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,040
Speaker 2: woman that of my dreams, a woman I love if

477
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,360
Speaker 2: I put in the work. Okay, I'm gonna do that,

478
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:26,919
Speaker 2: but by getting with him while in the process. For

479
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,639
Speaker 2: a lot of men, they only do to acquire. And

480
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,600
Speaker 2: if they already acquired, then what am I going to

481
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 2: do anything for? What do I need to go work

482
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 2: and all this extra stuff or try to do more

483
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 2: to make more money.

484
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 3: When I'm getting fed, I'm getting sex, have a roof

485
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:42,359
Speaker 3: over my head.

486
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,800
Speaker 2: For a lot of men, that is enough. There's only

487
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,000
Speaker 2: a smaller segment of men who you can give them

488
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,400
Speaker 2: all those things and it doesn't matter they.

489
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 3: Have to do more. It's just who they are.

490
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 2: So that has to be acknowledged and recognized when a

491
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,960
Speaker 2: woman's going to determine that she's going to actually engage

492
00:23:58,960 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 2: in that kind of a dynamic.

493
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:04,320
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494
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497
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498
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499
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500
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501
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502
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503
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504
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505
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506
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507
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511
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 1: visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey

512
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Speaker 1: and use code on purpose to receive fifteen percent off

513
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Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Juni dot com and make

514
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,359
Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. I feel like

515
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 1: right now, in dating, men have a bad reputation. Men

516
00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 1: get a lot of blame. Is it fair?

517
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,879
Speaker 3: It is unfair, completely unfair. One of the big.

518
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,600
Speaker 2: Problems that exists is that a lot of women are

519
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:48,200
Speaker 2: not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences.

520
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 2: Now that isn't to say there aren't genuinely bad men

521
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,040
Speaker 2: out there, bad experiences and all that, but what they

522
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,560
Speaker 2: felt to understand is that whether it be their friends,

523
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,600
Speaker 2: their family, whoever, when she goes on that date or

524
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:03,960
Speaker 2: she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may

525
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,520
Speaker 2: leave out parts of what she did to contribute to

526
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,800
Speaker 2: the problem. And so you're hearing this very one sided

527
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 2: view of the situation, which is gonna almost always paint

528
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 2: the man in the negative light. And so the woman

529
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:22,080
Speaker 2: starts to develop this very negative perception of men based

530
00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:25,240
Speaker 2: off all these stories she's being fed. Then you add

531
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,199
Speaker 2: the Internet, right, and the Internet is built off of

532
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:32,640
Speaker 2: sensationalism and people coming up with all kinds of craziness

533
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,120
Speaker 2: to make the opposite gender look bad. So whether it's

534
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 2: men talking about women, or women talking about or the

535
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:39,679
Speaker 2: same gender talking down on their gend, whatever it is.

536
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 2: They're trying to hype up negative stories. So even though

537
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 2: these negative stories exist, we don't always realize they're not

538
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,960
Speaker 2: so much the majority. They could be the minority. They're

539
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,560
Speaker 2: just being pushed a lot more. And so yeah, it

540
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 2: does create this very unfair, this unfair view of men,

541
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 2: and I think there's again a little bit on both sides.

542
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,000
Speaker 3: To be honest with you.

543
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,200
Speaker 1: Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually

544
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,520
Speaker 1: affect us, because I think we don't think about that

545
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 1: sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone,

546
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,120
Speaker 1: it's like, oh yeah, this just happened. Oh yeah, yeah,

547
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 1: same thing happened to my friend. Oh yeah, same thing

548
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: happened to that friend. And like you said, we don't

549
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,320
Speaker 1: have the full data. It's not always happened to us.

550
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,919
Speaker 1: And then it spreads. But what is that psychologically and

551
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 1: even emotionally due to our own mind and brain and heart.

552
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,680
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's just human nature to where we

553
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:32,240
Speaker 2: take our negative experiences and we projected onto that demographic

554
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 2: of whoever it's attached to. So it's like if someone

555
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 2: gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may

556
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:42,240
Speaker 2: start to develop a fear towards that those people, even

557
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 2: though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious

558
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 2: to them. So, in dating, when you start to experience

559
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 2: or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well,

560
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:56,040
Speaker 2: you're naturally going to become more defensive, more negative.

561
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 3: And then what you don't realize is you.

562
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 2: Create these fulfilling prophecies because you go into the dating

563
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 2: experience bracing for negativity or projecting it, not realizing you're

564
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,399
Speaker 2: creating it, okay, and so what also makes it worse?

565
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,200
Speaker 2: And it hit me when you were asking the question,

566
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,119
Speaker 2: is that And again, I don't want women to feel

567
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 2: like I'm just saying like women don't take any responsibility

568
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 2: or anything like that, because there's plenty of women who do. However,

569
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 2: it is more likely when a woman goes to her

570
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 2: friends and family to tell her that tell them that

571
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,480
Speaker 2: this relationship fell apart, they're gonna say, you know you're

572
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 2: you're better than that, he doesn't deserve you. Those type

573
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,720
Speaker 2: of things to build her up, make her feel good,

574
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 2: not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong.

575
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 2: The man goes to his friends and other people about

576
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,600
Speaker 2: the relationship that fell apart. Man, you were stupid anyway

577
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 2: you should have done this. Like, they're gonna come down

578
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 2: on him regardless, and whether he likes it or not,

579
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 2: he's gonna have to accept some level of personal accountability. Well,

580
00:28:55,240 --> 00:29:00,880
Speaker 2: that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation. Now, unfortunately,

581
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 2: I do think that there are some men who when

582
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,960
Speaker 2: they run to the internet and they hear women bad women,

583
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 2: bad women bad, they become blind to their own flaws.

584
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 2: But I think you can make the argument that women

585
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 2: have an audience of uplifters more than men do, and

586
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,040
Speaker 2: that will now skew how people view the opposite sex.

587
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 2: And now those negative stories are only going to have

588
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,440
Speaker 2: even more of an impact because if I'm being told

589
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 2: as a woman, I'm great, nothing's wrong with me, These

590
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 2: men are horrible, right, and there's nothing for me to

591
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 2: do different. So then anything that goes wrong will always

592
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 2: be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people.

593
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: Like You're never gonna think, well, wait a minute, maybe

594
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 2: there was something missing from this story, or maybe she

595
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 2: could have handled things different. No, you're gonna jump right

596
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:53,400
Speaker 2: to their bad because that's what you're being told over

597
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,280
Speaker 2: and over again, and then it's being solidified by some

598
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 2: of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize

599
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:04,280
Speaker 2: what's contributing to those experiences even coming about.

600
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really interesting way to look at it.

601
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,600
Speaker 1: Because there was a Facebook group and I forget what

602
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,760
Speaker 1: it's called now, but it's basically for I think it's

603
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: called are we Dating the same man? And it's been

604
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 1: built because there are so many women who are experiencing

605
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: men dating them at the same time, even though he's

606
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 1: saying is exclusive with one. So I had this happened

607
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,960
Speaker 1: to someone that I know recently, and she was seeing

608
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 1: this guy for like six months and then they were

609
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 1: or three months, sorry, they're seeing each other for three months.

610
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,000
Speaker 1: They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance.

611
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: He'd come out to see her, and she was about

612
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 1: to go and see him. So she messaged him and said, Hey,

613
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: I'm coming out. I just want to make sure that

614
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,200
Speaker 1: we're taking in the right direction because she's buying a flight,

615
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 1: she's coming over, she's investing in the relationship, and this

616
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,440
Speaker 1: guy who messages it every day just ghosted her. So

617
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,040
Speaker 1: she went onto this Facebook group and she wrote about

618
00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 1: it a few days later when she was like, wait

619
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 1: a minute, this guy's not getting back to me. I've

620
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: lost the flight ticket. Not in a great place. And

621
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 1: then this other woman messaged back and was like, hey,

622
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,440
Speaker 1: let's connect off line. So then she shared her story.

623
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 1: This guy supposedly is married. He's then been dating this

624
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:16,000
Speaker 1: other girl who just found out that he's married, saying

625
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 1: he was going to get divorced, and now he was

626
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 1: dating the person that I know. And so I think

627
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: when you hear a story like that, it's no surprise

628
00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 1: that that spreads because that's a fascinating, juicy story and

629
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 1: it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and

630
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,400
Speaker 1: involved in it. And I think that empathy. Even when

631
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:36,320
Speaker 1: I heard that story, I was so heartbroken. But we

632
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 1: have to remember that isn't the majority exact. It does exist,

633
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,080
Speaker 1: and it's really sad, and if it's happened to you,

634
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, Like I feel like that could be

635
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:48,560
Speaker 1: the worst thing to go through, But it isn't the majority,

636
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,480
Speaker 1: and we have to be careful about how we amplify

637
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:53,160
Speaker 1: the minority experience exactly.

638
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,200
Speaker 2: And I think what we're not realizing as a society

639
00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 2: is that the reality is there. We base our perceptions

640
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,280
Speaker 2: of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables,

641
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 2: all right, that top twenty percent of men or women

642
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 2: who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities.

643
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 2: And it kind of goes back to that belief of

644
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 2: how great power can corrupt.

645
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:15,320
Speaker 3: All right.

646
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 2: So even the good, nice guy, if he now becomes

647
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,360
Speaker 2: a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming

648
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 2: after him, he has.

649
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 3: All this access.

650
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:27,480
Speaker 2: Not all, but there are many who will start to

651
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,400
Speaker 2: fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before, who will

652
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 2: start to become more of a womanizer, who will start

653
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,480
Speaker 2: to enjoy all this access that they have, right. And

654
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,520
Speaker 2: the reality is that when we hear these stories, this

655
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 2: is not a story of the average man who just

656
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,080
Speaker 2: wants a relationship looking for love. Is genuine. Maybe he

657
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 2: doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most

658
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 2: desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not

659
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 2: where we're going to put our attention. And it's the

660
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,520
Speaker 2: same thing with women. When you hear men on the

661
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,040
Speaker 2: internet say women just want money. Women just want money,

662
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 2: not granted, women value financial stability in men most okay,

663
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 2: and I think that most men should strive from some

664
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,880
Speaker 2: level of stability. However, there are tons of women dating

665
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,040
Speaker 2: broke men right. There are tons of women who that

666
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:16,520
Speaker 2: is not their number one priority. It's a desire, but

667
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:19,239
Speaker 2: they want to be loved, they want quality time, they

668
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:20,479
Speaker 2: want these other things.

669
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 3: But again, if it's.

670
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 2: Not being said by the audience that the men fixate

671
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 2: so much on, they don't hear those voices. They just

672
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 2: focus on the women who are Again and I'm using

673
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,400
Speaker 2: the word desirables not because I'm determining what's desirable. I'm

674
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:38,240
Speaker 2: just laying out the people who get the most attention,

675
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,000
Speaker 2: who tend to get more attention for whatever reason, right

676
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 2: or wrong. That's what happens in life. And so we

677
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 2: got to realize that they do not represent the majority.

678
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 2: And we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing

679
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 2: too much on the wrong group of people when we're

680
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,880
Speaker 2: trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex?

681
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,400
Speaker 1: For sure? When people are dating, what some of the

682
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,880
Speaker 1: things to look out for when you're thinking about long

683
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 1: term success, Because I think the challenge people are having

684
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: now is like someone will love to bomb them. For

685
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:13,759
Speaker 1: three months, everything's moving amazing, It's getting really intense, like

686
00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 1: dates are great, hanging out it's great, the intimacy is great,

687
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:19,320
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, it's like one person

688
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,440
Speaker 1: kind of checks out and goes, hey, I don't think

689
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,880
Speaker 1: this's working for me. We're moving too fast. Hey, we

690
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,279
Speaker 1: should slow this down. Hey, I think we've rushed into it.

691
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:29,239
Speaker 1: And then you're like, wait a minute. I thought we

692
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:31,520
Speaker 1: were going to get married, right, I thought this was

693
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,799
Speaker 1: going somewhere. What are we meant to do? What are

694
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,360
Speaker 1: people meant to do in those first three, six, twelve

695
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,360
Speaker 1: months if you had to give markers to kind of

696
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 1: slow it down, because I think we all want to

697
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever

698
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 1: work healthily that way, or it doesn't work often healthily

699
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:47,879
Speaker 1: that way.

700
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 2: Well, before I get into what we should do with

701
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,680
Speaker 2: those markers, I think the I always say this love

702
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 2: bombing is only when it's a one sided thing. So

703
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,799
Speaker 2: basically two people me one person is showing them with

704
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 2: all this love and attention and going hard, and for

705
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 2: the other person, it's not them saying, oh, I'm in

706
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,879
Speaker 2: love with them, it's them saying this feels so good. Yes,

707
00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 2: I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going. You see,

708
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,720
Speaker 2: but if you both and let's use a different example

709
00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:21,319
Speaker 2: where you can have two people meet and they both

710
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:26,000
Speaker 2: feel this intense connection immediately, they are both feeling strongly

711
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 2: about each other. To me, that's not a love bomb,

712
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:30,319
Speaker 2: all right, that's just a connection that two people are

713
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,800
Speaker 2: embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would.

714
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 1: All right, good distinctions.

715
00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:38,440
Speaker 2: So now if those two people moved quote unquote fast

716
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,640
Speaker 2: by society standards, I don't have a problem with that

717
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,920
Speaker 2: as long as they do their due diligence, which is

718
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,800
Speaker 2: part of what we got to do within those times

719
00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:48,800
Speaker 2: market times. But there's nothing wrong. Like I knew a

720
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 2: couple they came to one of my events. They got married,

721
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 2: I think in like three four months, and they said

722
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 2: they watched one of my videos and family and friends

723
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,880
Speaker 2: are like, oh, this is stupid, this is wrong. But

724
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 2: they heard me explain it, and they're like, this was them.

725
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 2: This applied to them. They felt a connection, they were

726
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,600
Speaker 2: on the same page. And what people have to understand

727
00:36:04,719 --> 00:36:07,799
Speaker 2: is one couples three months is not the same as

728
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,359
Speaker 2: the next couples three months. So one couple in their

729
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,640
Speaker 2: three months may have been talking every single day, spending

730
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:17,400
Speaker 2: time multiple times a week, asking all these questions, diving

731
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:21,279
Speaker 2: deep to each other, meeting each other's families. They've done

732
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,960
Speaker 2: so much due diligence. They don't need years more to

733
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:28,640
Speaker 2: figure this out. The next couple they talk here and there,

734
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:30,880
Speaker 2: they see each other once, so a wee get every

735
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 2: other week. They're very busy. Yeah, and so the moments

736
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 2: together feel great, But they really haven't spent enough time

737
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:42,839
Speaker 2: diving deep into each other. So we have to remember that.

738
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 2: But as far as what we should be doing is

739
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 2: we should be trying to learn as much about the

740
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:52,960
Speaker 2: person as quickly as possible. I think too many times

741
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 2: we have an approach of like going with the flow

742
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,400
Speaker 2: type of deal. For sure, all right, and we'll just

743
00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:01,120
Speaker 2: figure it out as we go along. And in reality,

744
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,839
Speaker 2: there's a part of it that doesn't want to rock

745
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:06,359
Speaker 2: the boat because again, we're enjoying the companionship. If you're

746
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 2: having sex, you're enjoying the sex. There's different benefits here

747
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 2: that you don't want to let go of. So you're

748
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 2: purposely or subconsciously not asking questions you know might be

749
00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:20,040
Speaker 2: a problem, all right, And so now when things blow

750
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:23,120
Speaker 2: up a year, ladies, you never know some no, you

751
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,680
Speaker 2: wouldn't ask the question that need to be asked. The

752
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 2: quicker you can put those questions out there. The quicker

753
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:30,840
Speaker 2: you can expose. And I use the word exposed not

754
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,479
Speaker 2: in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity, Yes,

755
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:36,839
Speaker 2: revealing who this person is and.

756
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,080
Speaker 3: What we have with each other.

757
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:41,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, But I also think that it always starts

758
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:44,640
Speaker 2: with we have to be honest about how we feel.

759
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,319
Speaker 2: Too many people are choosing their partner based off of

760
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:49,880
Speaker 2: do they love me?

761
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:51,719
Speaker 3: Rather than do I love them?

762
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:56,000
Speaker 2: Okay, and if you don't truly love them, if you're

763
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:59,759
Speaker 2: not in love with them, nothing else matters. Because if

764
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 2: you think it's gonna be safe for you to pick

765
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,480
Speaker 2: them because they love you. So when you have that

766
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,640
Speaker 2: scenario where you said, all right, things are going real fast,

767
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,200
Speaker 2: let's paint it. Man, love bombs the woman. He's going hard,

768
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 2: and let's just say he's really infatuated with this woman.

769
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 2: So to him, he believes I'm into this woman. To her,

770
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,279
Speaker 2: she doesn't really, she's not into him like that. But man,

771
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 2: he's a nice guy. This feels so good. All right,

772
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,759
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go along with it. Six months eight months

773
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:29,600
Speaker 2: past whatever he pulls back This is not always the case,

774
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,760
Speaker 2: but in many cases he pulls back because he finally

775
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 2: wakes up and realizes, dang, I'm doing all this for

776
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 2: this woman, but she's not really into me. And it

777
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 2: may not be him coming to that realization first. It

778
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:43,920
Speaker 2: might be a friend or family members, like, no, do

779
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,400
Speaker 2: you see how she moves? I notice you do this,

780
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:47,920
Speaker 2: but she doesn't do this for you. And now he

781
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:50,760
Speaker 2: starts to think like, man, wait a minute, she really

782
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,719
Speaker 2: she's not coming at me the way I come at her.

783
00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 2: But in that moment, let's say he tries to pull away, Well,

784
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,960
Speaker 2: she's enjoying this attention so much she doesn't want to

785
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:00,880
Speaker 2: lose it, whether if she's in love with him or not,

786
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 2: and her fear of losing it now tricks her into thinking,

787
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,480
Speaker 2: I'm in love with this man, So now she fights

788
00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 2: to keep him. And then now he feels okay, validated,

789
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 2: she's trying they move forward. But the reality was they

790
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,480
Speaker 2: were never both truly in love with each other. He

791
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:20,720
Speaker 2: was infatuated and she was just enjoying how it felt,

792
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,319
Speaker 2: and they reached a point where she was afraid to

793
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,799
Speaker 2: lose this. And of course, whether you're a man or

794
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,120
Speaker 2: a woman, who's the one going hard. You don't want

795
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:29,719
Speaker 2: to feel like all your time was wasted. You don't

796
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:30,160
Speaker 2: want to feel like.

797
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 3: You were wrong.

798
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,120
Speaker 2: So if they give you anything to hold on to,

799
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,080
Speaker 2: you're gonna run with it. And next thing you know,

800
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,360
Speaker 2: you're married with kids and you're like, well, what happened.

801
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:41,719
Speaker 2: What happened was you two were never truly in love

802
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,320
Speaker 2: with each other. So in those three months, six months, whatever,

803
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:49,719
Speaker 2: do your due diligence and really be honest with yourself

804
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 2: about how you feel about this person, because if you

805
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,160
Speaker 2: don't have it in you trust and believe, whatever they

806
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,000
Speaker 2: think they're having for you is not true love.

807
00:39:58,080 --> 00:39:59,560
Speaker 3: It's something else going on.

808
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,720
Speaker 1: And even for the person who does the love bombing

809
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 1: to realize that no one will ever be able to

810
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:10,479
Speaker 1: match you like because and you wanting them to match

811
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: you isn't even fair because it was already above and

812
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:16,879
Speaker 1: beyond what a normal person would do. And so even

813
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,879
Speaker 1: when you're sitting there and you're going like, oh, well

814
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:20,919
Speaker 1: they're not doing the same thing back for me or whatever,

815
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, no surprise, it's three months, and like,

816
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,919
Speaker 1: how are you're expecting someone to reciprocate in that way

817
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,200
Speaker 1: in three months, and I think, for me, you know what,

818
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:31,520
Speaker 1: you hit the nail on the head, like I've been

819
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,760
Speaker 1: looking at it and I can't relate to in dating anymore

820
00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 1: because I'm not dating. But I was looking at a

821
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,680
Speaker 1: new business opportunity and I was meeting a potential new

822
00:40:41,719 --> 00:40:45,160
Speaker 1: business partner and it was the same exact thing. I

823
00:40:45,239 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 1: felt a good connection, so did. They were really excited

824
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: to get going. Then I spoke to some good advisors

825
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:52,239
Speaker 1: that I have in my life and they're like, have

826
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: you asked these questions? And I was like, nah, but

827
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:56,719
Speaker 1: it just feels good. I haven't asked these questions, Like, well,

828
00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:59,040
Speaker 1: you should ask those questions. And the whole reason I

829
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:01,440
Speaker 1: didn't want to ask those questions is because I thought

830
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 1: it would ruin the connection. But it was so funny.

831
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 1: I sat down last week asked the questions and actually

832
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:09,399
Speaker 1: the questions made me feel more confident. But there were

833
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 1: more questions I realized I hadn't asked, So now I

834
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,400
Speaker 1: followed up with those questions. And that's what I've realized.

835
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 1: If you are scared of asking questions because you're scared

836
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:22,000
Speaker 1: that they will weaken the relationship, it's actually the other

837
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:25,000
Speaker 1: way around. If you ask the right questions and it's

838
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 1: the right relationship, it will strengthen the relationship exact, actually

839
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,520
Speaker 1: come closer. And so asking the right questions isn't about

840
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 1: ruining a good thing. It's about making sure it's an

841
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:38,000
Speaker 1: actually good thing exactly. And I've been feeling in business

842
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 1: all this in the last couple of weeks. It has

843
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:41,759
Speaker 1: been my life. So you've really opened my eyes to

844
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,640
Speaker 1: that right now, that just how much we're so in

845
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,399
Speaker 1: our head about trying to save something that doesn't even

846
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,320
Speaker 1: exist yet exactly exactly.

847
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,400
Speaker 2: And like you said, I if it's going to scare

848
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 2: them away, then you saved yourself the time because it's

849
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:56,120
Speaker 2: going to be a bad situation.

850
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 3: So never fear it.

851
00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:59,279
Speaker 2: We just have to We have to get out of

852
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:01,920
Speaker 2: our own personerception of what we think we want or

853
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 2: what's good or what's better. It's like, no, just if

854
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:07,280
Speaker 2: it's not there, it's not there, and that means something

855
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 2: better will come along.

856
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:14,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, is the cliche. If he wanted to, he would true.

857
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:18,839
Speaker 3: It is absolutely false. I hate that. It is one

858
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 3: of the many I hate. And here's the reason why

859
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,440
Speaker 3: I hate it. It can be true.

860
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:28,840
Speaker 2: So, Okay, if we look at human beings, as when

861
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:33,279
Speaker 2: we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all

862
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,840
Speaker 2: these things, then I think something like that can be true.

863
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,440
Speaker 2: So think about like two kids in high school, right,

864
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 2: and the boys never experienced love. He falls for some woman,

865
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,319
Speaker 2: there's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many

866
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 2: cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things.

867
00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:50,000
Speaker 2: But the reality is that as human beings, we go

868
00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 2: through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful,

869
00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 2: that cause us to doubt, right, And so now it

870
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:01,680
Speaker 2: can create a level of hesitation willingness to cross certain lines.

871
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 2: So yes, a man could love a woman, he could

872
00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 2: be willing, but you have to find out what may

873
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:12,560
Speaker 2: be the blockage. So to me, it's fine. I will

874
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:16,520
Speaker 2: apply that saying if a woman has let it be

875
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 2: known to that man what she needs from him, okay.

876
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:24,879
Speaker 2: So for example, two people start dating and she's really

877
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 2: big on communication, right, So she wants to hear from

878
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 2: him every single day. Okay, he's calling every few days, right,

879
00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 2: And some girlfriend says to her, well, if he wanted to,

880
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 2: he would, and she runs with that and cuts him

881
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 2: off because well, clearly he must not be serious. But

882
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:42,280
Speaker 2: what you didn't know was the last girl he dated,

883
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,799
Speaker 2: when he called her every day, she felt like he

884
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:47,839
Speaker 2: was smothering her. So now he's scared to call every

885
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 2: day because he doesn't know what you want. He doesn't

886
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:53,799
Speaker 2: want to come off needy or overbearing or whatever, so

887
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,319
Speaker 2: he's trying to play it cool. It has nothing to

888
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:59,360
Speaker 2: do with his desire or willingness. It has everything to

889
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 2: do with him trying to navigate this situation because of

890
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,800
Speaker 2: what he's either been advised or been through or whatever.

891
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:07,720
Speaker 2: So that's why the key is if that same woman

892
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 2: says to him, listen, I'm not hearing from you as

893
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 2: much as I want to. If you're gonna date me,

894
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:14,759
Speaker 2: I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication. We

895
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:17,520
Speaker 2: need to talk every single day. Now, if he's really

896
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:19,439
Speaker 2: serious about her, he'll call her every day.

897
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,080
Speaker 3: You give him them the green light. He's gonna do it,

898
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:22,720
Speaker 3: you see.

899
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 2: And if he's not serious about her, then he will

900
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:26,920
Speaker 2: probably come up with excuses, he'll dance around it, whatever

901
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,279
Speaker 2: the case may be. But now you can run with

902
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 2: that statement because it's been made clear to him. But

903
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 2: there's so many underlying things going on and so many reasons,

904
00:44:37,400 --> 00:44:39,440
Speaker 2: especially when you consider the advice being given on the

905
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 2: internet nowadays. All right, Like there is literally advice that

906
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:45,799
Speaker 2: tells people ignore someone if you want them more or

907
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:49,200
Speaker 2: want them to want you more. Okay, Like literally, when

908
00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:52,600
Speaker 2: you understand what people are being fed, then you start

909
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 2: to realize it's not as simple as if they want

910
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,759
Speaker 2: to they would no talk to them first. And then

911
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,600
Speaker 2: I always say, the way to determine how serious someone

912
00:45:01,680 --> 00:45:04,040
Speaker 2: is about you is not in seeing what they do

913
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:07,120
Speaker 2: on their own, is seeing how they handle your expression

914
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:10,520
Speaker 2: of concerns and feelings. All right, Okay, that's what's gonna

915
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 2: show you how not just how serious they are about you,

916
00:45:13,440 --> 00:45:17,400
Speaker 2: but how mature they are, and if they're emotionally ready

917
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 2: to be in a relationship, because someone who cannot hear

918
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:21,399
Speaker 2: you out is not ready for.

919
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:22,879
Speaker 3: A real relationship. All right.

920
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:26,600
Speaker 2: But if they can sit talk to you, listen, not dismiss,

921
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:30,399
Speaker 2: and now make positive changes, all right, then it's all good.

922
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:30,759
Speaker 3: Yeah.

923
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:32,880
Speaker 1: But I find that's the thing, going back to your

924
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 1: third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard

925
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:40,080
Speaker 1: today because that requires healing. To be able to hear

926
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:43,279
Speaker 1: someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns

927
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: and challenges, and how they feel, and to actually validate

928
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,719
Speaker 1: it without invalidating yourself, right. I think that's why we

929
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,520
Speaker 1: struggle so much, because if someone's saying something like if

930
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:54,799
Speaker 1: you were saying to me like, hey, J like you know,

931
00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:59,240
Speaker 1: I don't like the way that you know your friends

932
00:45:59,239 --> 00:46:02,279
Speaker 1: speak to me when they're around. If I hear that,

933
00:46:02,719 --> 00:46:04,799
Speaker 1: I start defending my friends because I'm what are you doing?

934
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: My friends are amazing, They're the best, They're the greatest.

935
00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 1: Now I've invalidated you to validate myself. Because we think

936
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:14,239
Speaker 1: validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself, or if

937
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 1: I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is oh,

938
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:21,319
Speaker 1: I could validate you and also stand true to who

939
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:24,359
Speaker 1: I am. Yes, that's a healed individual, and so I

940
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,400
Speaker 1: can agree with you and I can also share my perspective.

941
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,239
Speaker 1: But I find that if we're looking for that off

942
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:32,800
Speaker 1: the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people

943
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:34,000
Speaker 1: is really small?

944
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:39,120
Speaker 2: It is, But this is the unfortunate, harsh reality because

945
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,799
Speaker 2: that portion is so small, and because we overlook those

946
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 2: types of issues, Well, that's why we have so much

947
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:46,440
Speaker 2: unhealthy relationships.

948
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,279
Speaker 3: That's why we have such a high divorce rate.

949
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:51,319
Speaker 2: And I always tell people people love to harbor on

950
00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 2: the divorce rate as an argument not to get married,

951
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 2: and I'm like, hold up, if we could quantify the

952
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:58,960
Speaker 2: breakup rate, it will probably make the divorce rate look

953
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:02,120
Speaker 2: like toiles play. All right, people break up way more

954
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 2: and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the

955
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:11,879
Speaker 2: boyfriend girlfriend relationship dynamic. So the reality is that, yes,

956
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:15,400
Speaker 2: if we took this approach that said someone needs to

957
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:18,080
Speaker 2: be emotionally mature before we can enter in the relationship

958
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 2: with them, relationships will plummet. There will be a lot

959
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:25,400
Speaker 2: less relationships. However, two things would happen from that. There

960
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,719
Speaker 2: would be more healthy relationships and people would start to

961
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 2: realize this is an unacceptable.

962
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,440
Speaker 3: Trait that they're caring with them.

963
00:47:33,800 --> 00:47:37,279
Speaker 2: If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they

964
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:39,960
Speaker 2: cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and

965
00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 2: intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns.

966
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:46,120
Speaker 2: But they will never understand the need to fix that,

967
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:49,760
Speaker 2: all right, And it's the same it's that same issue.

968
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 2: Like literally, I was just coaching a married couple who

969
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:55,319
Speaker 2: they're going through it right now. And one of the

970
00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:59,160
Speaker 2: big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other

971
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:02,479
Speaker 2: when they're expressing their concerns. All right, So it's like, yeah,

972
00:48:02,520 --> 00:48:05,040
Speaker 2: you can look past us if you want, but you're gonna.

973
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,160
Speaker 3: Pay your price. Is that price worth it?

974
00:48:07,600 --> 00:48:10,920
Speaker 2: And most do not survive that at some point You're

975
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:14,560
Speaker 2: gonna have to learn it anyway, right, So I just think, yeah,

976
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,520
Speaker 2: I think it'd be best and I understand and I'm

977
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:22,240
Speaker 2: speaking idealistically. Realistically, most people are gonna overlook this issue.

978
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 2: Most people are gonna give a pass, right, But I

979
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,560
Speaker 2: think even if you're gonna give a pass to a

980
00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:28,720
Speaker 2: certain extent.

981
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 3: It needs to be discussed. It needs to be understood.

982
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,239
Speaker 2: And to your point, I love that you said, because

983
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:36,120
Speaker 2: I really a dusted a video on my men's channel.

984
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,319
Speaker 3: About how to communicate with a woman more.

985
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:40,480
Speaker 2: Effectively, and one of the things I expressed was how

986
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 2: I listen in that situation where she says, I don't

987
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:45,600
Speaker 2: like the way your friends speaks to me. You can

988
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 2: still say, I understand that's how you feel. I don't

989
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,360
Speaker 2: see it that way, but let me try to understand

990
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:53,640
Speaker 2: why you feel that way.

991
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:55,200
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying, So I'm gonna meet you

992
00:48:55,239 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 3: where you are.

993
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:59,000
Speaker 2: I'm gonna acknowledge your feelings. I'm still gonna express my

994
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:01,520
Speaker 2: view is different than yours. But let's see if we

995
00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 2: can come to an understanding of this that in itself

996
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 2: would eliminate so many arguments to so much conflict just

997
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,760
Speaker 2: by doing that. So I do think that men and women,

998
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:15,000
Speaker 2: everyone needs to understand.

999
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:17,400
Speaker 3: We need to strive for that at the very least.

1000
00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:21,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, for sure, because it's that That's what that unhealed,

1001
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:25,040
Speaker 1: immature version of us does. It just wants us to

1002
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 1: stay in the zone of I'm right, you're wrong, it's

1003
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:32,719
Speaker 1: my way. You're always not working out, and we got

1004
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:35,399
Speaker 1: to do it this way. And I think the other

1005
00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 1: thing that's really blocking a lot of people. And I

1006
00:49:37,600 --> 00:49:39,880
Speaker 1: ask you this not because I'm trying to give a

1007
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 1: question that I think a lot of people ask but

1008
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,600
Speaker 1: actually know it is I think this is an important

1009
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:47,480
Speaker 1: question because I think a lot of people have a

1010
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,600
Speaker 1: type going back to your desirables, that they're looking for.

1011
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:52,919
Speaker 1: Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating.

1012
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 2: So there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent,

1013
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 2: as long as you're not so married to that type

1014
00:49:58,320 --> 00:50:01,360
Speaker 2: to where there's no flexibility outside that, all right, But

1015
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:03,200
Speaker 2: I do think that at the end of the day,

1016
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,520
Speaker 2: and this may sound bad to some people, but this

1017
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:09,279
Speaker 2: is just the reality of it. The more desirable you are,

1018
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 2: the more it becomes even necessary for you to have

1019
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:15,799
Speaker 2: a type. So the analogy I like to give is,

1020
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:19,920
Speaker 2: let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart.

1021
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:22,239
Speaker 2: And that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works

1022
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:24,759
Speaker 2: at the Walmart, right, but the reality is that to

1023
00:50:24,840 --> 00:50:27,680
Speaker 2: be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right,

1024
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:30,480
Speaker 2: And not many people are all lining up to go

1025
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:33,359
Speaker 2: work at Walmart. So Walmart might get five applicants, right,

1026
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:35,920
Speaker 2: they can sit down with each applicant.

1027
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:37,040
Speaker 3: They can be more.

1028
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 2: Flexible and see who fits the job. If Google is

1029
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:44,640
Speaker 2: hiring for a sixth figure or seventh figure position, they're

1030
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:47,840
Speaker 2: gonna have thousands of applicants, right. There's gonna be a

1031
00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:51,080
Speaker 2: greater level of requirement there has to be at this position.

1032
00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:54,319
Speaker 2: And now they can't sit down with every person. They're

1033
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:56,480
Speaker 2: gonna have to weed them out. And once upon a time,

1034
00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:58,640
Speaker 2: how do they do that. They would eliminate you by

1035
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:01,759
Speaker 2: the color of your resumes, the font on your bask

1036
00:51:01,920 --> 00:51:07,000
Speaker 2: forget your qualifications, okay, just the mere presentation because they

1037
00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:09,399
Speaker 2: had to. They had to weed it down to a

1038
00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:13,040
Speaker 2: certain segment, and then from there choos who's gonna be best.

1039
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:17,680
Speaker 2: So in dating and relationships, there's nothing wrong with honing

1040
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 2: in on your audience that you want to pull from. However,

1041
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:25,360
Speaker 2: I think that now, I think I know that connection

1042
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:29,200
Speaker 2: can transcend our type, okay, and I believe the key

1043
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:33,399
Speaker 2: is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes. Now,

1044
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:35,480
Speaker 2: I want people to understand when I say whatever package,

1045
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:37,480
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right.

1046
00:51:37,680 --> 00:51:39,520
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you're gonna be disgusted by them any

1047
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:42,440
Speaker 2: kind of way. It just means that plenty of people,

1048
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:46,160
Speaker 2: if not everyone, even when having a type, have found

1049
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:49,360
Speaker 2: someone outside that box that they found attractive, all right,

1050
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:51,920
Speaker 2: that they may even feel drawn to. You have to

1051
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:55,200
Speaker 2: be open and flexible in that way, all right. And

1052
00:51:55,239 --> 00:51:58,080
Speaker 2: I think for me it's less about having such a

1053
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 2: strict type, but more so fundamental principles, Like I think

1054
00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:05,960
Speaker 2: attraction is important, all right, Communication is important. There's a

1055
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,359
Speaker 2: level of if you're into energy, or you can pick

1056
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:11,200
Speaker 2: up on people's energy, that's gonna be important, and to me,

1057
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:14,719
Speaker 2: those are foundational things. It's less about where they got

1058
00:52:14,719 --> 00:52:16,319
Speaker 2: to be this tall or they have to have this

1059
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,359
Speaker 2: type of job, but there are some core traits that

1060
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 2: there's nothing wrong with that. So I do think for

1061
00:52:21,960 --> 00:52:24,680
Speaker 2: those that the type is working against, it's because they

1062
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:28,640
Speaker 2: might be too strict, there's no flexibility, and they're also

1063
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:34,240
Speaker 2: not understanding are you the type that the type wants? Okay,

1064
00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:36,960
Speaker 2: so you can want your type all you want, that's fine, right,

1065
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:40,800
Speaker 2: nothing wrong with that, But are you really tapping into

1066
00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 2: the type of partner they would want? And if and

1067
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:45,839
Speaker 2: it's not even are you.

1068
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:48,799
Speaker 3: Willing and both? Can you sustain that? All right?

1069
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 2: Because there's a lot of people trying to present a

1070
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:53,880
Speaker 2: certain kind of way to get this type of individual,

1071
00:52:54,480 --> 00:52:56,879
Speaker 2: and they may get them, but they can't keep it up.

1072
00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,959
Speaker 2: I'm gonna give one example, and again it's never shaded

1073
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:02,000
Speaker 2: to any gender when I use them as an example.

1074
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 2: But let's say there's a man who wants this ridiculously

1075
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:09,000
Speaker 2: beautiful woman, right who is accustomed to the high life,

1076
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:11,600
Speaker 2: all right, and having all kinds of men shower her

1077
00:53:11,640 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 2: with gifts and money, and he knows one he don't

1078
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:16,920
Speaker 2: have money like that, and two, he does not have

1079
00:53:16,960 --> 00:53:19,480
Speaker 2: the desire to keep up that lifestyle, but he's so

1080
00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:23,200
Speaker 2: infatuated with this woman. He goes and he pulls out

1081
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:27,080
Speaker 2: all the stops, fancy Denna's, gives all these things, and

1082
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,880
Speaker 2: he gets her. But then after a few months, the

1083
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 2: real hym comes out and now he doesn't want to

1084
00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:34,480
Speaker 2: go to the nice restaurant, he doesn't want to take

1085
00:53:34,480 --> 00:53:35,160
Speaker 2: the nice trip.

1086
00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:37,400
Speaker 3: He thinks that bag is way too expensive.

1087
00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,760
Speaker 2: And now she's pissed off because it's like, wait a minute,

1088
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,080
Speaker 2: you sold me on this. And to him, it's, oh, well,

1089
00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:47,560
Speaker 2: you're ungrateful or you're no. You tricked her. You tricked her,

1090
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:51,400
Speaker 2: and you tricked yourself because you were so fixated on this.

1091
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:55,080
Speaker 3: Type and this person. But you never question can you

1092
00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:55,880
Speaker 3: really be that?

1093
00:53:56,080 --> 00:53:58,120
Speaker 2: Are you really that? And can you keep that going

1094
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:00,000
Speaker 2: for the rest of your life? And if you can't,

1095
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:03,840
Speaker 2: all right, go to a different, different type of different

1096
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 2: type of you know, person, whatever that.

1097
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:06,839
Speaker 3: Fits who you are.

1098
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:09,640
Speaker 2: And it goes back to really understanding who you are,

1099
00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 2: accepting it, and embracing the type of people who fit

1100
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:15,719
Speaker 2: that individual for sure.

1101
00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:18,680
Speaker 1: And that's such a great example because it's a simple one,

1102
00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:20,680
Speaker 1: but it actually applies to all the deeper things too.

1103
00:54:21,239 --> 00:54:24,240
Speaker 1: Anything you're infatuated by in another person and you pretend

1104
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:27,400
Speaker 1: to be that, whether it's you're interested in a specific sport,

1105
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:30,480
Speaker 1: you're interested in hanging around those places, you're interested in

1106
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:33,840
Speaker 1: their business. You like you said, you're tricking yourself. And

1107
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,600
Speaker 1: so many people are doing that. And a lot of

1108
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:38,879
Speaker 1: these are tricks, and you even called out some of them.

1109
00:54:38,880 --> 00:54:40,759
Speaker 1: I think there's so much bad advice right now. There's

1110
00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: so many of these kind of myths that are just

1111
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 1: floating about. And one of the big ones is I

1112
00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:49,040
Speaker 1: want to get your take on this. Should the person

1113
00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:52,240
Speaker 1: you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention?

1114
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:54,080
Speaker 1: Is that a sign of love?

1115
00:54:54,520 --> 00:54:58,759
Speaker 2: My instinct to is say no, yeah, I'm with you.

1116
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:02,000
Speaker 2: I think think, to be honest with you, there's a

1117
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:03,960
Speaker 2: level of insecurity there all right.

1118
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:04,160
Speaker 3: Now.

1119
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,600
Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong. I do think when we love someone,

1120
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:10,319
Speaker 2: there may be at least some part of us, right

1121
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:12,840
Speaker 2: that's going to have an eye open to all.

1122
00:55:12,680 --> 00:55:16,359
Speaker 3: This attention you're getting. Well, shooting, that's natural, but to

1123
00:55:16,440 --> 00:55:19,520
Speaker 3: be bothered by it usually speaks to.

1124
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:23,799
Speaker 2: You not having a sureness in yourself all right, relation

1125
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,640
Speaker 2: and in the relationship exactly that, and that's such a key.

1126
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 3: So I'm going to give a quick story.

1127
00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:30,480
Speaker 2: Because I think this is please lines up perfectly. I

1128
00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:32,000
Speaker 2: once had a man who came to me. He was

1129
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:35,080
Speaker 2: having a problem in his marriage, and his issue was

1130
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:38,279
Speaker 2: his wife had this male best friend who she was

1131
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:39,799
Speaker 2: showing all this attention to.

1132
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:41,480
Speaker 3: Okay, and he was.

1133
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 2: Like, they would be arguing about this friend, and he

1134
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:45,239
Speaker 2: she just doesn't want to let go of this friend

1135
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:48,800
Speaker 2: and all these things. And I said, well, listen, trying

1136
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:51,800
Speaker 2: to argue against her friend when she's saying it's nothing,

1137
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,120
Speaker 2: it's platonic, there's nothing there. Do you have none to

1138
00:55:54,160 --> 00:55:58,120
Speaker 2: worry about? Is a very difficult battle. Let me ask

1139
00:55:58,160 --> 00:55:59,760
Speaker 2: you what's the quality.

1140
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:01,919
Speaker 3: Of the relation. And he's like, oh, it's not that great.

1141
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 3: We got some issues.

1142
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,719
Speaker 2: I said, Okay, before we worry about this friend, let's

1143
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 2: focus on solidifying the relationship. All right, let's make that strong,

1144
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:12,440
Speaker 2: let's make that good, and then see what happens.

1145
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:13,440
Speaker 3: He hit me up.

1146
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:16,320
Speaker 2: I want to say, like three four months later, he said, man,

1147
00:56:16,719 --> 00:56:20,880
Speaker 2: your advice worked perfectly. By him shifting his focus to

1148
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:25,520
Speaker 2: the relationship quality and fixing everything in there, the issue

1149
00:56:25,560 --> 00:56:29,520
Speaker 2: with the friend completely disappeared. She naturally was not showing

1150
00:56:29,520 --> 00:56:32,239
Speaker 2: the friend any more attention like she wasn't eymore. Just

1151
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:35,600
Speaker 2: everything fell into place. So going back to your point

1152
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:39,440
Speaker 2: about jealousy, Yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves,

1153
00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:42,520
Speaker 2: that they do not feel secure in their relationship for

1154
00:56:42,719 --> 00:56:46,840
Speaker 2: various reasons, and this attention that your partner is getting

1155
00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:49,759
Speaker 2: is a threat to you. It is a threat that well,

1156
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:51,759
Speaker 2: what if they'd like it so much they take someone

1157
00:56:51,880 --> 00:56:54,439
Speaker 2: up on their offer. All right, But if you really

1158
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,840
Speaker 2: felt good about yourself and this relationship, you're just not

1159
00:56:57,880 --> 00:56:59,960
Speaker 2: gonna worry about it. And I think also it goes

1160
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:02,319
Speaker 2: go to a level of I'm gonna use the word

1161
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 2: evolving in life and understanding that you cannot control everything.

1162
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:08,680
Speaker 2: So to me, I just feel like and I have

1163
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:11,200
Speaker 2: a feeling you're probably the same exact way. I'm not

1164
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:12,960
Speaker 2: gonna be worried about this attention again. But at the

1165
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:14,560
Speaker 2: end of the day, if you're gonna do something wrong,

1166
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:17,080
Speaker 2: you're gonna do it wrong. Me trying to police you,

1167
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 2: it's a waste of my energy. It is too stressful.

1168
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:23,040
Speaker 2: I don't want that life. All right, do your thing now.

1169
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,000
Speaker 2: If you do something you're not supposed to do, you

1170
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:27,480
Speaker 2: will pay a consequence. I will let you go, but

1171
00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna sit here and check on this and

1172
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,280
Speaker 2: watch this or you can't go here. Man, do what

1173
00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:35,200
Speaker 2: makes you happy, enjoy yourself, and I want you to

1174
00:57:36,040 --> 00:57:38,760
Speaker 2: live in your truth. I don't want to suppress you

1175
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:42,120
Speaker 2: in any kind of way. And I'm gonna bring this

1176
00:57:42,240 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 2: up and I'm just gonna say this is a theory.

1177
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:47,480
Speaker 2: I'm not saying I'm accurate, but it's something for everyone

1178
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:51,320
Speaker 2: to think about. So talking about attention, I do think

1179
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:55,439
Speaker 2: that in most cases the is the dynamic is usually

1180
00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:57,520
Speaker 2: the woman getting a ton of attention and the man

1181
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:00,520
Speaker 2: not knowing how to handle that. And there are a

1182
00:58:00,600 --> 00:58:02,880
Speaker 2: lot of men on the internet who like they go

1183
00:58:03,040 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 2: in on these women, who oh, you're always wanting this

1184
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:08,440
Speaker 2: attention you're posting here. There was even celebrities ones that

1185
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:10,560
Speaker 2: talked about something like that and they went in on her.

1186
00:58:10,600 --> 00:58:13,280
Speaker 3: Anyways, I have this theory right this question.

1187
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 2: I was like, what if attention for women is like

1188
00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:21,000
Speaker 2: sexual desire for men? And what I mean by that

1189
00:58:21,160 --> 00:58:24,360
Speaker 2: is you'll hear men make the argument of well, I

1190
00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:26,280
Speaker 2: can have sex with these different women and it's nothing.

1191
00:58:26,560 --> 00:58:27,560
Speaker 3: It doesn't mean anything to me.

1192
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:29,720
Speaker 2: But they just enjoy the sex. They would never leave

1193
00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:31,520
Speaker 2: the women. They love all these things. And I'm not

1194
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:36,280
Speaker 2: advocating for any cheating anything. I'm just explaining this and that, Yes, well,

1195
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:39,600
Speaker 2: that's how a lot of women view attention. She may

1196
00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:42,800
Speaker 2: enjoy attention, but she has no plan on entertaining any

1197
00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:45,080
Speaker 2: of those men. She will go back to her man.

1198
00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:47,560
Speaker 2: But she still likes to get a compliment. She likes

1199
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:49,439
Speaker 2: to go out and hear people say, oh you look

1200
00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:52,080
Speaker 2: good today, Oh my gosh, that dress is nice. But

1201
00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:56,080
Speaker 2: it's not because like she's this bad person. It just

1202
00:58:56,240 --> 00:59:00,760
Speaker 2: might be in a desire. And again, and there's gonna

1203
00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:03,760
Speaker 2: be different scales of that desire. There's gonna be some

1204
00:59:03,760 --> 00:59:06,120
Speaker 2: women who don't want attention at all, they don't like

1205
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:09,040
Speaker 2: it right, But there's gonna be others who love it.

1206
00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:13,240
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we demonize these things. And it

1207
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:17,240
Speaker 2: goes back to understanding and respecting the differences between the

1208
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:21,560
Speaker 2: genders and between individuals. Okay, and you, I think for

1209
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:23,520
Speaker 2: a man if or for a woman, if you're dealing

1210
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:28,280
Speaker 2: with that person, what's important is to understand why they

1211
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:31,680
Speaker 2: enjoy the attention. Where does that come from? Does it

1212
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:34,840
Speaker 2: come from an inadequacy. Does it come from you not

1213
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:38,520
Speaker 2: giving them attention? Are they starving at home so now

1214
00:59:38,520 --> 00:59:41,160
Speaker 2: they have to go outside to get it right or

1215
00:59:41,280 --> 00:59:44,200
Speaker 2: is it someone who just they feed off of that stuff.

1216
00:59:44,240 --> 00:59:46,520
Speaker 2: They love it, But again it doesn't make them a

1217
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:50,280
Speaker 2: bad person. But to go back to your question, I

1218
00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:52,400
Speaker 2: don't think you have to be jealous of someone to

1219
00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:55,680
Speaker 2: love them. I can love you to death and not

1220
00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:58,200
Speaker 2: get jealous, you know, because again I'm not worried about it.

1221
00:59:58,320 --> 00:59:59,840
Speaker 2: But I do think when we do get a little

1222
00:59:59,840 --> 01:00:01,760
Speaker 2: bit jealous, that's also like it's just normal.

1223
01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:02,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's normal.

1224
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:06,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I feel like the discomfort is natural. When

1225
01:00:06,680 --> 01:00:08,520
Speaker 1: it gets to jealousy and you're kind of ruining the

1226
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:11,640
Speaker 1: relationship you have and now checking up and policing, as

1227
01:00:11,680 --> 01:00:14,680
Speaker 1: you said, that starts to come unhealthy. And then ultimately,

1228
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:18,520
Speaker 1: if it's leading to an internal insecurity between you and yourself,

1229
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:20,760
Speaker 1: I mean, it can spiral out of control. And I

1230
01:00:20,760 --> 01:00:24,240
Speaker 1: think sometimes we almost want the other person to feel jealous.

1231
01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:25,440
Speaker 1: That's what I was trying to get at. It's like

1232
01:00:25,840 --> 01:00:28,480
Speaker 1: this feeling of like, oh, they don't get jealous when

1233
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:30,080
Speaker 1: I get attention. It's like, well, it goes back to

1234
01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:32,160
Speaker 1: what you're saying, which is trying to play games. Yeah, like,

1235
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:34,280
Speaker 1: if it's coming from that place, of course, am I

1236
01:00:34,800 --> 01:00:36,600
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and it happens, of course I am. If you

1237
01:00:36,600 --> 01:00:39,360
Speaker 1: love someone, you like someone, of course, But I don't

1238
01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:43,240
Speaker 1: want to make my partner have to feel jealous when

1239
01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:45,320
Speaker 1: I'm feeling that way like that to try and keep

1240
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:47,600
Speaker 1: them entertained and try and keep them interesting.

1241
01:00:47,680 --> 01:00:49,360
Speaker 3: But that goes back to the point.

1242
01:00:49,560 --> 01:00:53,080
Speaker 2: If you are looking to make them jealous, is it

1243
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:55,880
Speaker 2: because you're not getting what you need in this relationship

1244
01:00:55,920 --> 01:00:59,480
Speaker 2: in general? Probably what I'm saying like, something is probably missing.

1245
01:00:59,520 --> 01:01:01,520
Speaker 2: We're not because a lot of people will do things

1246
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:03,880
Speaker 2: to just get a reaction out of their partner. It's

1247
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:06,200
Speaker 2: because they want to see that you care. And if

1248
01:01:06,200 --> 01:01:07,960
Speaker 2: I have to see that you care, that means you're

1249
01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:10,280
Speaker 2: not showing me in other ways, or at least I'm

1250
01:01:10,280 --> 01:01:12,360
Speaker 2: not feeling it in other ways.

1251
01:01:12,160 --> 01:01:12,760
Speaker 3: That you care.

1252
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:16,040
Speaker 2: There's a disconnect there. So rather than jumping to the

1253
01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:18,640
Speaker 2: whole make them jealous, because that's a dangerous game to

1254
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:22,120
Speaker 2: play because what people don't realize is, yes, you may

1255
01:01:22,120 --> 01:01:24,880
Speaker 2: have succeeded in making them jealous, but you may have

1256
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:28,480
Speaker 2: also planted the seed of insecurity, and now they have

1257
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 2: to worry do you really want someone else's attention?

1258
01:01:31,960 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 3: In time?

1259
01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:36,959
Speaker 2: Are you entertaining someone else? And so now you got

1260
01:01:36,960 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 2: this initial great feeling of their jealousy, But what's the

1261
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:41,840
Speaker 2: backlash that comes from it?

1262
01:01:41,920 --> 01:01:42,400
Speaker 3: Later on?

1263
01:01:42,880 --> 01:01:45,240
Speaker 2: You see what I'm saying, what have you created? So

1264
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:47,880
Speaker 2: to me, you gotta go to the It's always about

1265
01:01:47,880 --> 01:01:51,280
Speaker 2: getting to the real root of the issue. Why are

1266
01:01:51,320 --> 01:01:53,760
Speaker 2: we behaving in this way? Why are we trying to

1267
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:56,280
Speaker 2: make this happen now? I think there's some couples where

1268
01:01:56,320 --> 01:01:58,640
Speaker 2: they just playfully do these things. It's not that serious

1269
01:01:58,680 --> 01:02:00,920
Speaker 2: to them, right, and that's fine, But you just want

1270
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:03,840
Speaker 2: to make sure this is not coming from an unhealthy place,

1271
01:02:04,280 --> 01:02:06,680
Speaker 2: because you're going to create a more unhealthy situation.

1272
01:02:07,120 --> 01:02:09,240
Speaker 1: One thing I love about your advice is that you're

1273
01:02:09,280 --> 01:02:15,200
Speaker 1: constantly encouraging people to have deeper communication. You keep saying, hey,

1274
01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:17,280
Speaker 1: but you got to understand why you feel that way

1275
01:02:17,320 --> 01:02:21,080
Speaker 1: and where that comes from and how that person processes it.

1276
01:02:21,160 --> 01:02:25,640
Speaker 1: And you in all of your work, your amazing books,

1277
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:29,120
Speaker 1: your YouTube channel, you always talk about communication. How do

1278
01:02:29,200 --> 01:02:33,480
Speaker 1: you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? Because

1279
01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:36,120
Speaker 1: there are so many people I know that if their

1280
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:39,120
Speaker 1: partner asks them this kind of question, their partner will

1281
01:02:39,160 --> 01:02:41,600
Speaker 1: be like, I don't really think about that stuff, or

1282
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:46,000
Speaker 1: I don't really know, or just go quiet. I've heard

1283
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 1: this from so many people. I'm sure you see it

1284
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:50,800
Speaker 1: all the time. How do you communicate with someone who

1285
01:02:50,840 --> 01:02:52,080
Speaker 1: doesn't want to communicate?

1286
01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:54,640
Speaker 2: Well, my initial response is going to be you don't

1287
01:02:54,680 --> 01:02:56,320
Speaker 2: communicate with them at all, you let them go.

1288
01:02:56,440 --> 01:02:59,280
Speaker 1: But let's say you've already gone to yeah.

1289
01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:00,960
Speaker 3: And we know it's not always that simple.

1290
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,040
Speaker 2: So and this is part of the problem of not

1291
01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:08,120
Speaker 2: understanding ourselves coming into it, because the reality is that

1292
01:03:08,440 --> 01:03:12,080
Speaker 2: levels of communication or what each person needs is gonna differ. Right,

1293
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:16,160
Speaker 2: Some people need a lot of communication, some not much.

1294
01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:19,280
Speaker 2: And so when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate,

1295
01:03:19,920 --> 01:03:22,680
Speaker 2: I do think you have to ask yourself one, if

1296
01:03:22,720 --> 01:03:25,520
Speaker 2: this is not gonna change, are you gonna be okay?

1297
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:31,240
Speaker 2: And also which types of discussions are we unable to have? So,

1298
01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:34,760
Speaker 2: for example, if a woman or man wants to be

1299
01:03:34,840 --> 01:03:38,240
Speaker 2: able to have like political discussions with their partner, right,

1300
01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:39,840
Speaker 2: and their partner doesn't want to engage in that type

1301
01:03:39,840 --> 01:03:44,520
Speaker 2: of stuff, to me, that's not worth leaving them for now,

1302
01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 2: of course, everyone's different, and if it's gonna bother you

1303
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:50,120
Speaker 2: to the point where it's gonna affect your ability to

1304
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:52,000
Speaker 2: show up in this relationship the way that you need to,

1305
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:54,240
Speaker 2: then you still should walk away regards of what it

1306
01:03:54,280 --> 01:03:56,080
Speaker 2: means to me or how I view it or anyone

1307
01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:58,880
Speaker 2: else views it. However, I do think one of the

1308
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:02,560
Speaker 2: things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we

1309
01:04:02,600 --> 01:04:05,320
Speaker 2: can supplement certain things. Right, So, you know how they

1310
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:07,920
Speaker 2: say it takes a village to raise a child. I

1311
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:11,320
Speaker 2: think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships.

1312
01:04:11,640 --> 01:04:14,400
Speaker 2: Because okay, maybe, and I'm again I'm just gonna use

1313
01:04:14,400 --> 01:04:16,880
Speaker 2: the women as an example. Let's say you had something

1314
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:20,000
Speaker 2: stressful happened to you today. You want to call your

1315
01:04:20,120 --> 01:04:22,880
Speaker 2: husband right, but he's busy right now, and he's busy

1316
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:25,640
Speaker 2: a lot, and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well,

1317
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:28,000
Speaker 2: maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom

1318
01:04:28,080 --> 01:04:29,640
Speaker 2: first or your female friend.

1319
01:04:29,840 --> 01:04:31,320
Speaker 3: That way, you can get all your frustration.

1320
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:33,720
Speaker 2: Now you can vent, he can do his thing, and

1321
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:36,040
Speaker 2: then when he has more time later you can do

1322
01:04:36,040 --> 01:04:39,000
Speaker 2: a quick recap. And now that works for everybody, you see,

1323
01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:42,200
Speaker 2: I'm saying, But the problem is for some people, when

1324
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:45,320
Speaker 2: your partner is your whole world and you don't have

1325
01:04:45,360 --> 01:04:49,560
Speaker 2: any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict.

1326
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:52,320
Speaker 2: So I do think that's one when we consider the

1327
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:57,000
Speaker 2: whole communication issue. But if we're having issues with discussing

1328
01:04:57,480 --> 01:05:03,000
Speaker 2: our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that

1329
01:05:03,200 --> 01:05:05,560
Speaker 2: is it's hard for me to give any kind of

1330
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 2: work around that because if we can't discuss it, how

1331
01:05:08,080 --> 01:05:08,800
Speaker 2: can we fix it?

1332
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:09,760
Speaker 3: You see?

1333
01:05:09,920 --> 01:05:13,880
Speaker 2: And so of course I'm all for, you know, trying

1334
01:05:13,920 --> 01:05:18,360
Speaker 2: to understand what this person's hesitancy is, why they struggle

1335
01:05:18,400 --> 01:05:21,120
Speaker 2: in this way, because a lot of times it's not

1336
01:05:21,160 --> 01:05:23,720
Speaker 2: as simple as what they just don't communicate.

1337
01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:25,600
Speaker 3: There's something going on.

1338
01:05:25,760 --> 01:05:28,520
Speaker 2: Maybe they feel like you're not gonna listen to what

1339
01:05:28,560 --> 01:05:31,320
Speaker 2: they have to say. They're used to being dismissed, like

1340
01:05:31,600 --> 01:05:34,960
Speaker 2: I have to throw out there. I love women, but

1341
01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:38,480
Speaker 2: women swear to the greatest communicators and a lot of

1342
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:43,320
Speaker 2: times and not okay, And they don't realize how in

1343
01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:47,480
Speaker 2: that moment because they're so women are so in tune

1344
01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:50,440
Speaker 2: with how they feel and they're so immersed in it

1345
01:05:50,720 --> 01:05:53,439
Speaker 2: that it's easy for them to become blind to how

1346
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:56,400
Speaker 2: it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling

1347
01:05:56,480 --> 01:05:59,440
Speaker 2: in that same exact moment. See, when she's calm and cool,

1348
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:02,600
Speaker 2: she probably can pick up on things easy, right. But

1349
01:06:02,640 --> 01:06:05,520
Speaker 2: when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about somebody whatever,

1350
01:06:05,600 --> 01:06:06,360
Speaker 2: she's frustrated.

1351
01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:08,120
Speaker 3: That blocks a lot.

1352
01:06:08,240 --> 01:06:10,480
Speaker 2: And so a lot of women don't realize in their

1353
01:06:10,480 --> 01:06:15,200
Speaker 2: discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive

1354
01:06:15,240 --> 01:06:17,560
Speaker 2: they were, all these things, and the dude shuts down,

1355
01:06:18,280 --> 01:06:20,160
Speaker 2: and so going forward, he doesn't want to talk about

1356
01:06:20,160 --> 01:06:23,360
Speaker 2: anything because to him, it's pointless. This isn't gonna go anywhere.

1357
01:06:23,400 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 2: It's gonna be you saying how you feel. You're not

1358
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:28,120
Speaker 2: gonna listen to how I feel. What's the point. It

1359
01:06:28,160 --> 01:06:29,880
Speaker 2: reminds me of how a lot of men don't want

1360
01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:32,520
Speaker 2: to go to counseling because they view counseling as a

1361
01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:34,960
Speaker 2: one side of the fair. The woman's gonna say all

1362
01:06:35,040 --> 01:06:37,200
Speaker 2: bad things that he does, and when he tries to

1363
01:06:37,240 --> 01:06:40,160
Speaker 2: express himself is gonna be used against him. So he's like,

1364
01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:43,520
Speaker 2: what's the point. So, as a woman or a man,

1365
01:06:43,560 --> 01:06:46,160
Speaker 2: because it can happen to both sides, you have to

1366
01:06:46,280 --> 01:06:52,640
Speaker 2: start with am I creating an environment for healthy communication period,

1367
01:06:52,920 --> 01:06:56,520
Speaker 2: all right, because if you're not any attempts to pull

1368
01:06:56,600 --> 01:06:59,919
Speaker 2: out of them, more communication is not gonna work, all right,

1369
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:03,600
Speaker 2: So start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone,

1370
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:06,760
Speaker 2: how are you approaching things. I also think for people

1371
01:07:06,800 --> 01:07:10,640
Speaker 2: who are struggling to communicate, consider doing it via letters.

1372
01:07:10,960 --> 01:07:14,600
Speaker 3: Right. Some people struggle to talk, but maybe if they.

1373
01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:17,280
Speaker 2: Can just write it down on their own time, it's

1374
01:07:17,320 --> 01:07:19,760
Speaker 2: going to be so much easier for them, And then

1375
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:21,520
Speaker 2: we can discuss.

1376
01:07:20,960 --> 01:07:24,920
Speaker 3: The letters verbally. Right, But start with the writing.

1377
01:07:25,120 --> 01:07:27,200
Speaker 2: And I think the writing is good even for those

1378
01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:30,640
Speaker 2: who can communicate verbally, because it's so easy for us

1379
01:07:30,680 --> 01:07:33,920
Speaker 2: to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to

1380
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:37,640
Speaker 2: get just go off track in a verbal conversation. But

1381
01:07:37,760 --> 01:07:40,040
Speaker 2: in a letter where you get to sit down and

1382
01:07:40,040 --> 01:07:43,880
Speaker 2: make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone, it's

1383
01:07:43,960 --> 01:07:47,400
Speaker 2: just a more full experience. And then for the person,

1384
01:07:48,160 --> 01:07:52,439
Speaker 2: when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal when

1385
01:07:52,480 --> 01:07:55,840
Speaker 2: we read, we read to process, okay, so it's a

1386
01:07:56,000 --> 01:08:00,000
Speaker 2: very different approach that we take mentally. So now it's

1387
01:07:59,840 --> 01:08:03,200
Speaker 2: easier for your partner to understand and take in what

1388
01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:05,440
Speaker 2: you got to say when they can read it, and

1389
01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:08,080
Speaker 2: they can read it over and over and they can

1390
01:08:08,120 --> 01:08:10,520
Speaker 2: fixate on one part. Okay, this might be what you mean,

1391
01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:13,640
Speaker 2: and now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I

1392
01:08:13,680 --> 01:08:17,280
Speaker 2: think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues.

1393
01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:20,599
Speaker 1: That's a great answer. And also, when you're forced to write,

1394
01:08:21,120 --> 01:08:24,160
Speaker 1: you don't say that much stuff that you don't mean right.

1395
01:08:24,200 --> 01:08:27,120
Speaker 1: When you have to write something down consciously, chances are

1396
01:08:27,160 --> 01:08:30,080
Speaker 1: you're going to word it the heat of the moment, yeah,

1397
01:08:30,080 --> 01:08:31,800
Speaker 1: because you're trying to explain it, and you don't just

1398
01:08:31,800 --> 01:08:34,000
Speaker 1: write it down in the same way. And as I

1399
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:37,040
Speaker 1: was hearing you speak, I was just thinking, there's something

1400
01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:39,880
Speaker 1: I really want women to know that you might be

1401
01:08:40,080 --> 01:08:45,040
Speaker 1: the first person in that man's life that's actually asked

1402
01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:48,320
Speaker 1: him what's going on? True, And so you may have

1403
01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:51,840
Speaker 1: to invite him to that conversation more than one time.

1404
01:08:52,240 --> 01:08:55,200
Speaker 1: You may have to make space for his emotions and

1405
01:08:55,240 --> 01:08:57,600
Speaker 1: feelings more than one time. And if every time you

1406
01:08:57,720 --> 01:09:01,640
Speaker 1: ask him it's more of a demand and a stress

1407
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:04,640
Speaker 1: and a force and a push, then actually it's just

1408
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:07,080
Speaker 1: going to make him quieter and quieter and quieter. But

1409
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:10,479
Speaker 1: if every time it's an understanding and it's space and

1410
01:09:10,520 --> 01:09:13,320
Speaker 1: it's open, then there may be a chance because I

1411
01:09:13,320 --> 01:09:16,840
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, for most men, they were never

1412
01:09:16,880 --> 01:09:19,599
Speaker 1: asked about their emotions or feelings. There wasn't a space

1413
01:09:19,680 --> 01:09:23,519
Speaker 1: that they naturally just opened up. And hey, if someone's

1414
01:09:23,560 --> 01:09:26,919
Speaker 1: not opened up for twenty five thirty thirty five years,

1415
01:09:27,640 --> 01:09:29,360
Speaker 1: it's going to be hard for them to just come

1416
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,839
Speaker 1: out with it because you asked a great question, exactly,

1417
01:09:31,880 --> 01:09:34,240
Speaker 1: And so it's not that you're wrong or it reflects

1418
01:09:34,280 --> 01:09:36,760
Speaker 1: badly on your relationship. I just think a lot of

1419
01:09:36,800 --> 01:09:40,240
Speaker 1: men just haven't been given the opportunity to be that absolutely.

1420
01:09:40,479 --> 01:09:43,800
Speaker 2: And the reality is for some men certain things, we

1421
01:09:44,120 --> 01:09:48,320
Speaker 2: just are not emotionally invested in or attached to the

1422
01:09:48,360 --> 01:09:50,880
Speaker 2: way that she might be. And so to her it's like,

1423
01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:52,920
Speaker 2: well you should feel something about this, and like, no,

1424
01:09:53,040 --> 01:09:56,280
Speaker 2: I really don't. I don't see this any kind of way.

1425
01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:57,960
Speaker 2: I don't want to go on with my day. And

1426
01:09:58,000 --> 01:10:01,320
Speaker 2: he may genuinely mean that, and so again it goes

1427
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:05,000
Speaker 2: back to respecting the differences between the genders. We do

1428
01:10:05,080 --> 01:10:08,160
Speaker 2: not process the same, we do not feel the same

1429
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:10,320
Speaker 2: a lot of times, right, so that's going to lead

1430
01:10:10,360 --> 01:10:13,559
Speaker 2: to different levels of expression because there's not as much

1431
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:17,400
Speaker 2: to express in certain situations, and it's just like, again,

1432
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:20,479
Speaker 2: you got to make sure you can be okay with that.

1433
01:10:20,680 --> 01:10:22,799
Speaker 2: It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases,

1434
01:10:22,840 --> 01:10:25,880
Speaker 2: it's just the okay, does that work for you or no?

1435
01:10:26,240 --> 01:10:28,200
Speaker 2: And if it doesn't, it's going to cause a problem.

1436
01:10:28,360 --> 01:10:30,680
Speaker 2: All right, then maybe we are in the wrong relationship.

1437
01:10:31,120 --> 01:10:33,559
Speaker 2: But otherwise all right, then we can still work past us.

1438
01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:36,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. I'm really glad we went there, because

1439
01:10:36,840 --> 01:10:39,280
Speaker 1: I think that's blucking so many people in that space.

1440
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:41,640
Speaker 1: I feel like one of the big things that we

1441
01:10:41,680 --> 01:10:43,519
Speaker 1: talked about last time, and I wanted to talk about

1442
01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:47,599
Speaker 1: a bit differently this time is breakups, because I feel

1443
01:10:47,640 --> 01:10:53,639
Speaker 1: like there's still this feeling that people have and they

1444
01:10:53,680 --> 01:10:57,000
Speaker 1: can't not where if someone breaks up with you, it

1445
01:10:57,040 --> 01:11:02,240
Speaker 1: breaks your world. You take it completely, and it makes

1446
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:05,479
Speaker 1: you lose faith in love. So someone not only broke

1447
01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:08,040
Speaker 1: up with you, they broke your faith in love, and

1448
01:11:08,080 --> 01:11:11,880
Speaker 1: now you don't believe love exists. What are the natural

1449
01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:15,800
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions we all have to go through in

1450
01:11:15,840 --> 01:11:17,479
Speaker 1: a breakup that you can't avoid.

1451
01:11:17,800 --> 01:11:19,240
Speaker 2: Well, one thing I want to point out before I

1452
01:11:19,240 --> 01:11:20,920
Speaker 2: get to that is this, I think we have to

1453
01:11:20,960 --> 01:11:26,679
Speaker 2: start with understanding love is not relationship. We're conflating those

1454
01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:30,160
Speaker 2: two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion,

1455
01:11:30,160 --> 01:11:32,920
Speaker 2: all right. Like you'll hear people say, well, everyone deserves

1456
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,400
Speaker 2: to be loved. Okay, they can be loved by their mother,

1457
01:11:35,760 --> 01:11:38,760
Speaker 2: by their friends, by society. Whoever, that doesn't mean you

1458
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:43,519
Speaker 2: qualify for a relationship. And someone can love you or

1459
01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:48,479
Speaker 2: you can love someone, but if certain things aren't in

1460
01:11:48,560 --> 01:11:51,639
Speaker 2: place to have a successful relationship, it still won't work.

1461
01:11:52,040 --> 01:11:54,720
Speaker 2: So we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically

1462
01:11:54,760 --> 01:11:57,200
Speaker 2: mean someone doesn't love you, nor does someone want to

1463
01:11:57,240 --> 01:11:57,879
Speaker 2: be in a relationship.

1464
01:11:57,880 --> 01:11:58,840
Speaker 3: What you mean that they love you?

1465
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:00,720
Speaker 2: Because a man, a man or woman who wants to

1466
01:12:00,840 --> 01:12:02,400
Speaker 2: use you could want to be in a relationship, but

1467
01:12:02,479 --> 01:12:04,200
Speaker 2: you can want to marry you. It has goning to

1468
01:12:04,200 --> 01:12:08,360
Speaker 2: do with love. It's two separate things, all right. Now,

1469
01:12:08,400 --> 01:12:11,720
Speaker 2: With that understood, what we have to understand what we're

1470
01:12:11,720 --> 01:12:16,360
Speaker 2: going through. A breakup is one All is not lost,

1471
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:19,880
Speaker 2: Like we got to start there because it's so easy

1472
01:12:19,880 --> 01:12:23,320
Speaker 2: to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before

1473
01:12:23,360 --> 01:12:26,360
Speaker 2: our eyes. We're devastated. How we're going to get past this?

1474
01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:29,800
Speaker 2: And it's like, listen, all is not lost. There's been

1475
01:12:29,960 --> 01:12:32,240
Speaker 2: billions of people who have gone through a breakup and

1476
01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:36,040
Speaker 2: who have survived, but who all felt like in that moment,

1477
01:12:36,400 --> 01:12:38,960
Speaker 2: they don't know how they're going to continue. Okay, we

1478
01:12:39,040 --> 01:12:41,800
Speaker 2: have to remember this is just a moment. Life is

1479
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:44,599
Speaker 2: about moments, right. If you let the moment get the

1480
01:12:44,600 --> 01:12:46,760
Speaker 2: best of you, it can throw everything off.

1481
01:12:46,960 --> 01:12:47,639
Speaker 3: But when you can.

1482
01:12:47,520 --> 01:12:50,320
Speaker 2: Conquer that moment, you're on the right track. You can

1483
01:12:50,400 --> 01:12:53,960
Speaker 2: keep moving forward in a good direction. So keep that

1484
01:12:54,000 --> 01:12:56,760
Speaker 2: in perspective. But of course that's hard to do when

1485
01:12:56,760 --> 01:12:59,840
Speaker 2: you're still going through the breakup. I also think going

1486
01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:02,439
Speaker 2: on back to the point that I made is stop

1487
01:13:02,680 --> 01:13:07,040
Speaker 2: questioning if they love you, okay, because that I think

1488
01:13:07,200 --> 01:13:10,600
Speaker 2: is what weighs on some people the most. It's like

1489
01:13:10,640 --> 01:13:13,160
Speaker 2: I gave them all this time and andrew all these years,

1490
01:13:13,160 --> 01:13:14,960
Speaker 2: and they didn't even love me. It's like no, no, no, no,

1491
01:13:15,479 --> 01:13:18,880
Speaker 2: they could have still loved you. But there's another issue

1492
01:13:18,880 --> 01:13:22,840
Speaker 2: that exists here and what people this goes back to. Unfortunately,

1493
01:13:23,560 --> 01:13:26,080
Speaker 2: I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to

1494
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:30,720
Speaker 2: thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations how

1495
01:13:30,800 --> 01:13:35,240
Speaker 2: much different issues play into why people do what they do. Okay,

1496
01:13:36,120 --> 01:13:39,479
Speaker 2: but everyone is so used to the very surface level

1497
01:13:39,880 --> 01:13:43,759
Speaker 2: perspective of well, okay, if, for example, if this person

1498
01:13:43,840 --> 01:13:46,400
Speaker 2: breaks up and they jump into a new relationship where

1499
01:13:46,439 --> 01:13:48,439
Speaker 2: clearly they never loved you, that's not true.

1500
01:13:48,840 --> 01:13:49,960
Speaker 3: Some people do.

1501
01:13:49,800 --> 01:13:52,240
Speaker 2: That because they love you so much and they can't

1502
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:54,400
Speaker 2: deal with the pain and they figure, I need someone

1503
01:13:54,439 --> 01:13:57,120
Speaker 2: to distract me from this, so they don't love the

1504
01:13:57,240 --> 01:13:57,960
Speaker 2: new person.

1505
01:13:58,280 --> 01:13:58,719
Speaker 3: Okay.

1506
01:13:58,920 --> 01:14:00,840
Speaker 2: Now, granted, could it be the other way around it

1507
01:14:00,880 --> 01:14:03,240
Speaker 2: they never love you? That is possible. That is possible,

1508
01:14:03,400 --> 01:14:05,960
Speaker 2: but it isn't always what you think it is, all right,

1509
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:09,960
Speaker 2: So trying to dwell on in question if they love me,

1510
01:14:10,560 --> 01:14:15,040
Speaker 2: it's not healthy because one, we cannot prove or disprove it. Okay,

1511
01:14:15,520 --> 01:14:17,920
Speaker 2: they can claim it. We just have to accept whatever

1512
01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:19,840
Speaker 2: is being presented to us. Because at the end of

1513
01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:22,920
Speaker 2: the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says

1514
01:14:23,040 --> 01:14:26,400
Speaker 2: guaranteed this was love or not love? But two, you

1515
01:14:26,600 --> 01:14:29,720
Speaker 2: just don't You can't rely on what you're seeing and

1516
01:14:29,760 --> 01:14:33,320
Speaker 2: experiencing to answer that question. And the question is less

1517
01:14:33,360 --> 01:14:35,880
Speaker 2: about do they love you? And the better question to

1518
01:14:35,920 --> 01:14:39,320
Speaker 2: ask yourself is are we best for each other right now?

1519
01:14:39,960 --> 01:14:42,760
Speaker 2: Because even if there's love, if we're not best for

1520
01:14:42,840 --> 01:14:46,080
Speaker 2: each other. Right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise,

1521
01:14:46,600 --> 01:14:50,200
Speaker 2: all right, And most breakups, if not all, are a

1522
01:14:50,240 --> 01:14:53,479
Speaker 2: blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing

1523
01:14:53,720 --> 01:14:56,559
Speaker 2: is in that moment. The blessing could simply be for

1524
01:14:56,680 --> 01:14:59,519
Speaker 2: some people, not all that the relationship just need a

1525
01:14:59,600 --> 01:15:01,920
Speaker 2: certain thing addressed, and you guys will be able to

1526
01:15:01,960 --> 01:15:04,280
Speaker 2: come back together and make it better than ever. The

1527
01:15:04,320 --> 01:15:06,439
Speaker 2: blessing might be this was never the person for you,

1528
01:15:06,680 --> 01:15:09,160
Speaker 2: and had they not broken up with you, you'd have never

1529
01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:11,479
Speaker 2: walked away from them. Like I've said to people, and

1530
01:15:11,520 --> 01:15:13,920
Speaker 2: this may sound bad, but it is just real. I've

1531
01:15:13,920 --> 01:15:16,600
Speaker 2: said at my shows before, some of you needed to

1532
01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:19,479
Speaker 2: be cheated on, because if you weren't, you would have

1533
01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:22,840
Speaker 2: never left that relationship. But you always knew was an

1534
01:15:22,880 --> 01:15:26,320
Speaker 2: unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred,

1535
01:15:26,680 --> 01:15:29,320
Speaker 2: but you were in denial of that and were trying

1536
01:15:29,320 --> 01:15:32,360
Speaker 2: to hold onto something that wasn't best for you, and

1537
01:15:32,400 --> 01:15:36,559
Speaker 2: you needed something strong enough to break you free from

1538
01:15:36,560 --> 01:15:39,760
Speaker 2: that situation. So it's a blessing as much as it

1539
01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:43,000
Speaker 2: hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to

1540
01:15:43,760 --> 01:15:45,600
Speaker 2: you mentioned it and that thing it's very important for

1541
01:15:45,600 --> 01:15:50,240
Speaker 2: me to understand is stop internalizing the whole thing, all right,

1542
01:15:50,560 --> 01:15:53,720
Speaker 2: because again, even in situations where people break up with

1543
01:15:53,800 --> 01:15:55,799
Speaker 2: us and they hurt us, and let's say, we can't

1544
01:15:56,439 --> 01:16:00,840
Speaker 2: point to anything wrong right that was done, we don't

1545
01:16:00,880 --> 01:16:04,639
Speaker 2: know what they're battling like, it's the whole hurt people

1546
01:16:04,720 --> 01:16:09,280
Speaker 2: hurt people, Okay, it's not really about us. There's something

1547
01:16:09,320 --> 01:16:12,479
Speaker 2: within them. So I recently had a situation where a

1548
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:15,080
Speaker 2: woman's devastated because a man broke up with her because

1549
01:16:15,560 --> 01:16:18,560
Speaker 2: his family would not accept her. They did something that

1550
01:16:18,560 --> 01:16:20,599
Speaker 2: they weren't supposed to do early on in the process

1551
01:16:20,640 --> 01:16:22,280
Speaker 2: that goes against the family's beliefs.

1552
01:16:22,640 --> 01:16:23,519
Speaker 3: And even though.

1553
01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:26,200
Speaker 2: She's this man loves her, he wanted to marry her,

1554
01:16:26,520 --> 01:16:29,000
Speaker 2: but the family was like, they'll disown him if he

1555
01:16:29,040 --> 01:16:32,639
Speaker 2: goes forward with it. So in something like that, again,

1556
01:16:32,720 --> 01:16:34,960
Speaker 2: she has all these questions running through her head. She's

1557
01:16:34,960 --> 01:16:38,120
Speaker 2: internalizing and it's like, no, but there's something at play

1558
01:16:38,160 --> 01:16:39,960
Speaker 2: here that even he can't well, I'm not gonna say

1559
01:16:39,960 --> 01:16:42,960
Speaker 2: he can't control, because he can choose to not let

1560
01:16:42,960 --> 01:16:46,639
Speaker 2: his family. Yeah, exactly, But that's not as easy as oh,

1561
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:50,920
Speaker 2: if you love someone, you'll do. No, it's not that simple, unfortunately, right,

1562
01:16:51,360 --> 01:16:53,960
Speaker 2: So there's just so much more at play. So going

1563
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,320
Speaker 2: back to the question of the emotions we go through

1564
01:16:56,400 --> 01:17:00,320
Speaker 2: during the breakup, the main thing is, I believe we

1565
01:17:00,360 --> 01:17:03,360
Speaker 2: do have to give ourselves a moment to grieve. It's normal,

1566
01:17:03,439 --> 01:17:06,400
Speaker 2: it's okay. And in grieving it's about releasing, all right.

1567
01:17:06,600 --> 01:17:09,920
Speaker 2: So if you need to cry, cry, right, if you're angry,

1568
01:17:10,080 --> 01:17:14,760
Speaker 2: let yourself be angry, flush out, detox all those emotions.

1569
01:17:15,120 --> 01:17:17,599
Speaker 2: But then we have to pick a deadline. Like I'm

1570
01:17:17,640 --> 01:17:20,880
Speaker 2: a believer in I don't give myself anymore than three days,

1571
01:17:20,960 --> 01:17:24,800
Speaker 2: all right, three days to grieve whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt.

1572
01:17:25,320 --> 01:17:27,439
Speaker 2: After three days, get back on my feet, get to

1573
01:17:27,479 --> 01:17:29,479
Speaker 2: work and go through my healing process.

1574
01:17:29,600 --> 01:17:29,920
Speaker 3: All right.

1575
01:17:30,800 --> 01:17:32,800
Speaker 2: For some people it might be seven days, for somebody

1576
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:35,000
Speaker 2: else might be two, whatever the case may be. You

1577
01:17:35,160 --> 01:17:38,400
Speaker 2: have to give yourself a structure of all right, I'm

1578
01:17:38,439 --> 01:17:41,559
Speaker 2: not gonna dwell in this, I'm gonna start working past

1579
01:17:41,600 --> 01:17:45,040
Speaker 2: this in a healthy way. Because again, too many people

1580
01:17:45,439 --> 01:17:48,200
Speaker 2: focus on the whole get under someone, to get over someone,

1581
01:17:48,240 --> 01:17:52,719
Speaker 2: which is completely unhealthy and bad. Okay, and all these

1582
01:17:52,880 --> 01:17:57,960
Speaker 2: other methods of trying to move forward that are only

1583
01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:02,480
Speaker 2: keeping them stuck emotionally, but they're moving.

1584
01:18:02,200 --> 01:18:04,320
Speaker 3: Forward on the surface, all right.

1585
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,240
Speaker 2: So there's a lot of people who've moved on to

1586
01:18:06,479 --> 01:18:12,240
Speaker 2: other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally, and

1587
01:18:12,280 --> 01:18:14,960
Speaker 2: they do not realize how that is still playing a

1588
01:18:15,040 --> 01:18:17,720
Speaker 2: part not only in who you choose to be with,

1589
01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:20,120
Speaker 2: but in how you show up in that relationship.

1590
01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:23,960
Speaker 1: For sure, man, for sure. Yeah, it's such a When

1591
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:26,439
Speaker 1: I'm listening to you speak, I'm just thinking, like, there

1592
01:18:26,439 --> 01:18:33,519
Speaker 1: are so many people carrying someone else's baggage into a

1593
01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:39,080
Speaker 1: new relationship and not allowing the new person to be

1594
01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:41,920
Speaker 1: the person they are, and you realize it's your old

1595
01:18:41,960 --> 01:18:46,160
Speaker 1: baggage that's blocking this one, Yeah, and their old baggage

1596
01:18:46,200 --> 01:18:48,160
Speaker 1: that's blocking this one, and then you may lose that

1597
01:18:48,200 --> 01:18:51,719
Speaker 1: one in that. Do you believe that there's right person, wrong.

1598
01:18:51,520 --> 01:18:55,240
Speaker 2: Time, Absolutely, I'm one hundred percent believer in that. I

1599
01:18:55,280 --> 01:18:57,800
Speaker 2: know a lot of people argue against it, but I

1600
01:18:57,840 --> 01:19:00,960
Speaker 2: have so many stories of people who let's say met

1601
01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:05,280
Speaker 2: in college, right and something went wrong, and then ten

1602
01:19:05,400 --> 01:19:08,439
Speaker 2: fifteen years later reunite and maybe even in between that

1603
01:19:08,520 --> 01:19:12,160
Speaker 2: time married someone else or utter relationships or whatever, and

1604
01:19:12,200 --> 01:19:16,120
Speaker 2: now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever. Again,

1605
01:19:16,200 --> 01:19:20,760
Speaker 2: it goes back to people understanding love is one thing,

1606
01:19:21,120 --> 01:19:24,920
Speaker 2: relationship is another. So you can experience connection, you can

1607
01:19:25,000 --> 01:19:28,360
Speaker 2: experience real love. But if that person still has things

1608
01:19:28,400 --> 01:19:30,559
Speaker 2: they need to heal from, it is very likely going

1609
01:19:30,560 --> 01:19:31,720
Speaker 2: to derail the situation.

1610
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:32,280
Speaker 3: All right.

1611
01:19:32,680 --> 01:19:35,080
Speaker 2: If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves

1612
01:19:35,120 --> 01:19:37,599
Speaker 2: together in certain ways that they can feel more secure

1613
01:19:37,600 --> 01:19:41,120
Speaker 2: about themselves, that's going to derail the situation. People need

1614
01:19:41,160 --> 01:19:43,360
Speaker 2: to evolve. It's not as simple as, oh, we love

1615
01:19:43,400 --> 01:19:44,480
Speaker 2: each other, everything's.

1616
01:19:44,120 --> 01:19:46,519
Speaker 3: Supposed to work perfectly. That's not life.

1617
01:19:46,600 --> 01:19:48,720
Speaker 2: That's not real life. I would love for it to

1618
01:19:48,720 --> 01:19:51,840
Speaker 2: be that way, it's just not and so a lot

1619
01:19:51,880 --> 01:19:55,640
Speaker 2: of people don't accept the fact that. And I'm a

1620
01:19:55,760 --> 01:19:58,040
Speaker 2: very spiritual person, so I believe in praying about everything,

1621
01:19:58,280 --> 01:19:59,840
Speaker 2: and I believe one of the mistakes people make is

1622
01:19:59,880 --> 01:20:02,599
Speaker 2: that that for those who are believers, they don't pray

1623
01:20:02,640 --> 01:20:04,759
Speaker 2: and talk to God about if they should move forward

1624
01:20:04,840 --> 01:20:06,920
Speaker 2: or if they should be with this person, and they

1625
01:20:06,920 --> 01:20:10,679
Speaker 2: don't realize that sometimes we could be presented with something

1626
01:20:11,040 --> 01:20:13,519
Speaker 2: so that we can see that it's there, but doesn't

1627
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:13,920
Speaker 2: mean it's.

1628
01:20:13,840 --> 01:20:15,240
Speaker 3: Time for us to have it yet.

1629
01:20:15,680 --> 01:20:18,200
Speaker 2: It's almost like sometimes you can be presented with an

1630
01:20:18,200 --> 01:20:21,639
Speaker 2: opportunity business wise and you may feel like, yeah, I'm

1631
01:20:21,640 --> 01:20:24,160
Speaker 2: ready for let's let's do it. Boom boom, but you're

1632
01:20:24,160 --> 01:20:25,160
Speaker 2: not really prepared.

1633
01:20:25,320 --> 01:20:25,479
Speaker 3: Now.

1634
01:20:25,560 --> 01:20:29,519
Speaker 2: If you went from a spiritual place and understood and

1635
01:20:29,600 --> 01:20:32,280
Speaker 2: let God your spirit guide you, it would tell you, no,

1636
01:20:32,560 --> 01:20:34,679
Speaker 2: slow down, don't do it just yet.

1637
01:20:35,200 --> 01:20:36,080
Speaker 3: But think about it.

1638
01:20:36,160 --> 01:20:39,320
Speaker 2: Like the person who they win the lottery, they win

1639
01:20:39,400 --> 01:20:41,280
Speaker 2: millions of dollars, They've been hoping for this all their

1640
01:20:41,320 --> 01:20:44,599
Speaker 2: life and they blow through that million in a few months,

1641
01:20:44,760 --> 01:20:47,519
Speaker 2: or their whole life is ruined. Why it was not

1642
01:20:47,800 --> 01:20:50,720
Speaker 2: time for them to have that kind of money. They

1643
01:20:50,880 --> 01:20:53,400
Speaker 2: did not learn the lessons they need to learn. They

1644
01:20:53,400 --> 01:20:56,800
Speaker 2: were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or

1645
01:20:56,840 --> 01:21:01,040
Speaker 2: whatever access. And the same thing happens in relationships. People

1646
01:21:01,080 --> 01:21:04,040
Speaker 2: aren't ready for that level of vulnerability. They're not ready

1647
01:21:04,040 --> 01:21:05,720
Speaker 2: for that level of responsibility.

1648
01:21:06,000 --> 01:21:06,240
Speaker 3: You know.

1649
01:21:06,560 --> 01:21:09,840
Speaker 2: Perfect example is like if a woman finds her first

1650
01:21:09,880 --> 01:21:12,519
Speaker 2: love in high school or man or woman. But I'll

1651
01:21:12,560 --> 01:21:15,040
Speaker 2: say this happens a lot to women where she's head

1652
01:21:15,040 --> 01:21:17,840
Speaker 2: over heels over this guy. But this is a young

1653
01:21:17,920 --> 01:21:22,679
Speaker 2: man who has not developed at all emotionally chances are

1654
01:21:23,200 --> 01:21:26,639
Speaker 2: he's gonna mess up and this situation is gonna fall apart.

1655
01:21:26,800 --> 01:21:29,519
Speaker 2: And those who have survived, not all, but many who

1656
01:21:29,560 --> 01:21:34,160
Speaker 2: have survived finding love that young, they either one just

1657
01:21:34,280 --> 01:21:38,240
Speaker 2: dealt with all the bumps and stayed together, or they

1658
01:21:38,360 --> 01:21:42,280
Speaker 2: had that village around them to help them get through

1659
01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:46,240
Speaker 2: these situations to teach them. He had guidance, She had

1660
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:49,559
Speaker 2: guidance that allowed them to have love and make.

1661
01:21:49,439 --> 01:21:50,719
Speaker 3: It work at such a young age.

1662
01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:52,599
Speaker 2: So when you hear about back in the days people

1663
01:21:52,680 --> 01:21:57,080
Speaker 2: marrying younger, yet they had community that made a huge difference.

1664
01:21:57,240 --> 01:22:00,720
Speaker 2: But now you have people essentially on an island being young,

1665
01:22:01,040 --> 01:22:03,360
Speaker 2: trying to make a relationship work, and it's like yo,

1666
01:22:03,520 --> 01:22:07,160
Speaker 2: like we're asking too much. Some people get lucky, but

1667
01:22:07,200 --> 01:22:10,120
Speaker 2: the majority won't survive that. And I'm using a high

1668
01:22:10,120 --> 01:22:12,160
Speaker 2: school example, But that can happen. That can happen as

1669
01:22:12,160 --> 01:22:15,400
Speaker 2: grown adults. People could be thirty forty is fifty years

1670
01:22:15,439 --> 01:22:20,719
Speaker 2: old older and certain things have stunted their emotional growth

1671
01:22:21,160 --> 01:22:24,880
Speaker 2: and they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment.

1672
01:22:25,240 --> 01:22:30,200
Speaker 2: So yeah, but again that doesn't mean they're the wrong person, okay,

1673
01:22:30,439 --> 01:22:34,360
Speaker 2: because the person is about the character, it's about the

1674
01:22:34,400 --> 01:22:37,720
Speaker 2: traits that fit together that can be in harmony with

1675
01:22:37,800 --> 01:22:41,360
Speaker 2: each other. But they still have to develop certain aspects

1676
01:22:41,360 --> 01:22:45,080
Speaker 2: that will allow a relationship to thrive, which is why

1677
01:22:45,200 --> 01:22:47,360
Speaker 2: some people I feel the need to say, it's kind

1678
01:22:47,360 --> 01:22:50,280
Speaker 2: of hitting my spirit. You'll havyse situations where they can

1679
01:22:50,320 --> 01:22:54,080
Speaker 2: be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship right.

1680
01:22:54,520 --> 01:22:57,240
Speaker 2: And for some of those people, it's a matter of

1681
01:22:58,120 --> 01:23:00,960
Speaker 2: when they try to be in a relationationship, they were

1682
01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:04,519
Speaker 2: not emotionally ready for that, and there was conflict in

1683
01:23:04,560 --> 01:23:07,799
Speaker 2: how we handled that. But who they are as people,

1684
01:23:08,360 --> 01:23:11,840
Speaker 2: it's like this, right, So that's why the friendship continues.

1685
01:23:11,920 --> 01:23:15,000
Speaker 2: And now I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but

1686
01:23:15,000 --> 01:23:17,920
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say it, for at least some of these people,

1687
01:23:18,760 --> 01:23:22,120
Speaker 2: that's their true love for sure. But because everything went

1688
01:23:22,200 --> 01:23:25,160
Speaker 2: wrong the first go round, they're too afraid to leave

1689
01:23:25,200 --> 01:23:28,400
Speaker 2: the friendship box. So now it's like, nah, let's just

1690
01:23:28,479 --> 01:23:32,600
Speaker 2: be friends. That's what we operate best, right, But in reality, no,

1691
01:23:32,800 --> 01:23:37,240
Speaker 2: you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal and

1692
01:23:37,280 --> 01:23:39,160
Speaker 2: you will actually be able to come back together.

1693
01:23:39,479 --> 01:23:40,760
Speaker 3: For some people, not all.

1694
01:23:40,840 --> 01:23:44,240
Speaker 2: I don't want every friend person right now thinking that's

1695
01:23:44,280 --> 01:23:45,000
Speaker 2: their situation.

1696
01:23:46,640 --> 01:23:50,360
Speaker 1: Always want of that is you know, it happens a lot.

1697
01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:53,200
Speaker 1: I love that, Stefan. I've got one last question for you,

1698
01:23:53,240 --> 01:23:55,759
Speaker 1: and it applies to Buves. He'll be two two answers.

1699
01:23:56,880 --> 01:24:00,240
Speaker 1: If there's a man and a woman listening right now,

1700
01:24:01,479 --> 01:24:05,760
Speaker 1: and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, uncomfident

1701
01:24:05,800 --> 01:24:10,160
Speaker 1: about relationships, They've had a bit of rough luck. They're

1702
01:24:10,160 --> 01:24:14,160
Speaker 1: trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept

1703
01:24:14,160 --> 01:24:19,280
Speaker 1: who they are. They're doing the healing, but they're in

1704
01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:21,320
Speaker 1: a tough place. What would you say to them?

1705
01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:26,000
Speaker 2: Just keep pushing forward, like, don't get discouraged. You know,

1706
01:24:27,080 --> 01:24:30,840
Speaker 2: everything is a process. It's like even trying to become successful.

1707
01:24:31,960 --> 01:24:34,840
Speaker 2: The majority, if not every successful person that I know,

1708
01:24:35,479 --> 01:24:37,839
Speaker 2: has a story of having to go through the grind

1709
01:24:38,200 --> 01:24:40,639
Speaker 2: and having moments where we want to quit. We want

1710
01:24:40,680 --> 01:24:42,920
Speaker 2: to give up with like this is not working anymore,

1711
01:24:43,160 --> 01:24:46,479
Speaker 2: I can't keep doing this. But we trusted, whether it

1712
01:24:46,479 --> 01:24:50,000
Speaker 2: be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing and eventually

1713
01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:54,519
Speaker 2: the breakthrough happens and then boom, we're successful the rest

1714
01:24:54,520 --> 01:24:56,600
Speaker 2: of our lives. As long as we keep working, we're successful.

1715
01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:59,439
Speaker 2: And so with dating and relationships. I believe it's the

1716
01:24:59,479 --> 01:25:03,240
Speaker 2: same thing. People want love to be this very popping

1717
01:25:03,280 --> 01:25:05,720
Speaker 2: in the microwave and everything's ready, and it's like, no,

1718
01:25:06,320 --> 01:25:09,160
Speaker 2: it's a process. And you may have to meet several people,

1719
01:25:09,400 --> 01:25:11,160
Speaker 2: and I say meet. I'm understanding, you have to get

1720
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:14,080
Speaker 2: romantically involved with everybody. But you're gonna have to come

1721
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:15,960
Speaker 2: across some situations. You're gonna have to learn, you have

1722
01:25:16,000 --> 01:25:19,439
Speaker 2: to grow. And even when you're doing all the right things,

1723
01:25:20,120 --> 01:25:24,000
Speaker 2: don't think it's not working. It reminds me of working out.

1724
01:25:24,280 --> 01:25:27,360
Speaker 2: You can work out for months, do all the right things,

1725
01:25:27,520 --> 01:25:30,040
Speaker 2: look at yourself in mirror and be like, there's no progress.

1726
01:25:30,240 --> 01:25:33,280
Speaker 2: Why because all you're looking at is your stomach and

1727
01:25:33,280 --> 01:25:35,240
Speaker 2: you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way

1728
01:25:35,280 --> 01:25:35,679
Speaker 2: I want.

1729
01:25:35,840 --> 01:25:37,120
Speaker 3: But what you're felling to look.

1730
01:25:37,000 --> 01:25:39,439
Speaker 2: At is your arms are more cut, you got more

1731
01:25:39,520 --> 01:25:41,519
Speaker 2: muscles in your legs, your stamina is up.

1732
01:25:41,800 --> 01:25:43,639
Speaker 3: What you're doing is working.

1733
01:25:44,200 --> 01:25:47,880
Speaker 2: You're just looking at the one final result to validate

1734
01:25:47,960 --> 01:25:52,719
Speaker 2: the work. So understand that in this process you are growing.

1735
01:25:52,880 --> 01:25:57,160
Speaker 2: It is working, things are developing, but yes, the relationship

1736
01:25:57,240 --> 01:26:00,439
Speaker 2: result may take a little bit longer. And it's kind

1737
01:26:00,439 --> 01:26:03,000
Speaker 2: of going back to that fitness example. What they tell

1738
01:26:03,000 --> 01:26:07,120
Speaker 2: you is when you're losing fat. Sometimes it'll lose everywhere

1739
01:26:07,160 --> 01:26:09,360
Speaker 2: and then the stomach will be the last place, and

1740
01:26:09,439 --> 01:26:12,080
Speaker 2: when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy.

1741
01:26:12,400 --> 01:26:14,720
Speaker 2: So it's the same thing. You might be seeing all

1742
01:26:14,760 --> 01:26:17,240
Speaker 2: these other things improve first and you're not seeing the relationship.

1743
01:26:17,240 --> 01:26:19,759
Speaker 2: You've not seen the relationship. But then when it finally hits,

1744
01:26:20,600 --> 01:26:24,479
Speaker 2: it's great, it's amazing. So just keep pushing forward, keep

1745
01:26:24,520 --> 01:26:27,599
Speaker 2: doing what you need to do, continue to be open

1746
01:26:27,680 --> 01:26:30,840
Speaker 2: to whatever you need to improve upon. Never get in

1747
01:26:30,840 --> 01:26:33,559
Speaker 2: the mindset of well I'm great and the world is

1748
01:26:33,640 --> 01:26:37,640
Speaker 2: just ridiculous. It's like, no, what can I continue to

1749
01:26:37,680 --> 01:26:41,519
Speaker 2: do better? What can I tweak? What adjustments can I make?

1750
01:26:41,560 --> 01:26:45,280
Speaker 2: Because sometimes it is a matter of a small adjustment

1751
01:26:45,479 --> 01:26:47,680
Speaker 2: that will make a huge difference. And I think as

1752
01:26:47,720 --> 01:26:50,160
Speaker 2: long as you keep an open mind and you don't

1753
01:26:50,760 --> 01:26:53,960
Speaker 2: view not having the result right now as a defeat.

1754
01:26:54,320 --> 01:26:57,280
Speaker 2: Right you understand this is a process, you will get

1755
01:26:57,320 --> 01:26:59,200
Speaker 2: to your destination at some point.

1756
01:26:59,360 --> 01:27:02,360
Speaker 1: Well said Stefan Speaks. Thank you always ste find out

1757
01:27:02,320 --> 01:27:05,519
Speaker 1: I appreciate these conversations with you. You always have like

1758
01:27:05,640 --> 01:27:10,320
Speaker 1: this ability to just pull things apart, to really look

1759
01:27:10,320 --> 01:27:12,240
Speaker 1: at them. For what they are. I really appreciate you man.

1760
01:27:12,320 --> 01:27:15,720
Speaker 1: The way you think about things is so refreshing and

1761
01:27:15,920 --> 01:27:18,160
Speaker 1: all encompassing. And I hope everyone's been listening or watching.

1762
01:27:18,160 --> 01:27:22,759
Speaker 1: I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place

1763
01:27:22,880 --> 01:27:26,360
Speaker 1: because of the advice that Stefan said today. And please

1764
01:27:26,400 --> 01:27:29,400
Speaker 1: make sure you subscribe to Steffan's YouTube channel, check out

1765
01:27:29,400 --> 01:27:32,040
Speaker 1: his books if you're someone who loves reading and listening

1766
01:27:32,080 --> 01:27:32,840
Speaker 1: audiobooks too.

1767
01:27:32,880 --> 01:27:33,080
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1768
01:27:33,120 --> 01:27:35,439
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and Stefan is the anywhere else you'd like to

1769
01:27:35,439 --> 01:27:36,800
Speaker 1: be able to find you right now or anything you

1770
01:27:36,840 --> 01:27:38,000
Speaker 1: got going on there, just.

1771
01:27:37,880 --> 01:27:40,600
Speaker 2: Go to my site Stefan Speech Shop, or on my YouTube,

1772
01:27:40,640 --> 01:27:44,120
Speaker 2: you know, check me out. Hopefully I can connect with

1773
01:27:44,160 --> 01:27:45,920
Speaker 2: more and more people and just help as many people

1774
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:50,360
Speaker 2: as possible find love and find just a better overall life.

1775
01:27:50,800 --> 01:27:53,639
Speaker 2: It's not just about relationship. Well at least it starts

1776
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:56,680
Speaker 2: relationship with self, you know, and getting that right and

1777
01:27:56,720 --> 01:27:59,160
Speaker 2: everything else falling in place. Well for me self and

1778
01:27:59,200 --> 01:28:02,519
Speaker 2: God mooney, we're excited to have you back. You'll always

1779
01:28:02,520 --> 01:28:04,960
Speaker 2: have an opening. Then, thank you, my friend, thank you,

1780
01:28:05,000 --> 01:28:05,320
Speaker 2: thank you.

1781
01:28:05,640 --> 01:28:08,160
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you're going to love my

1782
01:28:08,240 --> 01:28:11,639
Speaker 1: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your

1783
01:28:11,720 --> 01:28:15,400
Speaker 1: ex and find true love in your relationships. People should

1784
01:28:15,439 --> 01:28:19,679
Speaker 1: be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your

1785
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:23,920
Speaker 1: future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future

1786
01:28:23,920 --> 01:28:26,760
Speaker 1: self is doing something that gives him or her a

1787
01:28:26,840 --> 01:28:28,800
Speaker 1: shot at a happy and a peaceful life