WEBVTT - How to Stop Taking Everything Personally 0:00:00.210 --> 0:00:02.530 If someone is warm with us we feel lovable if 0:00:02.570 --> 0:00:05.750 someone praises us we feel talented if someone chooses us 0:00:05.790 --> 0:00:08.100 we feel worthy but then if someone is cold or 0:00:08.150 --> 0:00:11.300 critical or distracted or unavailable suddenly we don't just feel 0:00:11.340 --> 0:00:14.680 disappointed we feel like something is about us and we 0:00:14.700 --> 0:00:17.360 put ourselves in question welcome to a really good cry 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:19.820 podcast a really good cry is here to help you 0:00:20.040 --> 0:00:23.040 understand your body feel confident in your skin manage your 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:26.320 emotions and take back control of your health Because growth 0:00:26.380 --> 0:00:29.480 doesn't always start with answers. Sometimes it starts with a 0:00:29.580 --> 0:00:32.440 really good cry. Hey everyone, welcome back to this week's 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:34.279 episode of A Really Good Cry. 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:35.780 I hope you had such a wonderful week. 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:39.780 I have had a great week, but also I had 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:44.500 a situation with a friend that inspired this podcast episode. 0:00:45.370 --> 0:00:47.930 It was basically something that she had misunderstood from me 0:00:48.190 --> 0:00:52.420 that she'd taken extremely personally and I meant nothing by it. 0:00:52.900 --> 0:00:56.320 But it got me thinking about how as humans, whether 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:58.160 we like to admit it or not, we are such 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:00.860 sensitive creatures and we have a nervous system that is 0:01:00.980 --> 0:01:03.970 literally wired to be sensitive to things around us, to 0:01:03.990 --> 0:01:07.110 the people that we interact with. And it is such 0:01:07.150 --> 0:01:09.709 a beautiful thing to be sensitive to the world around you. 0:01:10.250 --> 0:01:14.410 But that sensitivity, if on overdrive and negatively triggered, it 0:01:14.450 --> 0:01:15.429 can sometimes make. 0:01:15.310 --> 0:01:17.069 Us feel absolutely crazy. 0:01:17.650 --> 0:01:20.270 When my nervous system, and I can say that because 0:01:20.430 --> 0:01:22.110 I am one of those people, I know that when 0:01:22.150 --> 0:01:25.870 my nervous system isn't being looked after, among many other issues, 0:01:26.310 --> 0:01:29.910 I start to notice myself taking everything a lot more personally. 0:01:30.130 --> 0:01:32.050 Things that I wouldn't normally react to become such a 0:01:32.069 --> 0:01:34.610 big deal in my mind. And it's actually pretty amazing 0:01:34.660 --> 0:01:37.940 how quickly we can take someone else's behavior and make 0:01:37.980 --> 0:01:40.200 it mean something about us. I think part of the 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:42.660 reason is because as humans, we always want to make 0:01:42.700 --> 0:01:45.880 sense of things and we don't really like uncertainty. So 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:48.380 if we see someone and they're acting a little bit quiet, 0:01:48.940 --> 0:01:50.900 we might think, oh my gosh, they must be upset 0:01:50.940 --> 0:01:53.600 with me. Or if someone doesn't reply, we think I 0:01:53.660 --> 0:01:54.970 must have done something wrong. 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:56.140 They must be angry at me. 0:01:56.470 --> 0:01:58.870 If someone criticizes us, we take it personally and we 0:01:58.910 --> 0:02:01.990 think I'm just not good enough. It feels so uncomfortable 0:02:02.390 --> 0:02:05.930 not knowing the why behind something. And so instead, our 0:02:05.950 --> 0:02:08.030 mind tries to explain it in some way or another. 0:02:08.530 --> 0:02:11.770 Not because that's necessarily true, but because it just fills 0:02:11.870 --> 0:02:14.750 in the gaps to feel safe from the uncertainty faster. 0:02:15.190 --> 0:02:17.720 But the truth is that someone can be short with 0:02:17.740 --> 0:02:20.960 you because they are just exhausted. Someone can be distant 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:23.480 because they're feeling really overwhelmed or they have something going 0:02:23.540 --> 0:02:25.820 on in their life. Someone can criticize you because they 0:02:25.860 --> 0:02:29.610 are insecure. And there are so many endless possibilities. It 0:02:29.650 --> 0:02:32.070 may involve you, sure, but it may also not be 0:02:32.120 --> 0:02:34.660 about you at all. And that doesn't mean that their 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:37.000 behavior doesn't affect you. Of course it does. If someone 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:38.960 does something that upsets you, it's going to upset you. 0:02:39.340 --> 0:02:42.200 But there's a difference between being affected by something and 0:02:42.280 --> 0:02:45.120 making it mean something about you or your worth. And 0:02:45.139 --> 0:02:47.760 the problem is, that through all of this, all you're 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:49.840 doing is taking away your own peace of mind. 0:02:50.060 --> 0:02:52.050 And that is not fun at all. Trust me, I've 0:02:52.070 --> 0:02:52.470 been there. 0:02:52.889 --> 0:02:56.570 Believing everything is about you is literally the fast track 0:02:56.790 --> 0:03:00.970 to higher anxiety, erasing mind, sadness, anger, and all the 0:03:01.030 --> 0:03:04.540 things on repeat. It's just so exhausting trying to decipher 0:03:04.580 --> 0:03:07.020 the world through that lens. Your body is constantly on 0:03:07.060 --> 0:03:10.179 high alert, especially if it's happening regularly or it's becoming 0:03:10.240 --> 0:03:12.500 your default state of thinking. And so you have to 0:03:12.540 --> 0:03:15.410 stop assuming that every behavior is a message about you. 0:03:15.990 --> 0:03:17.950 Because most of it probably has nothing to do with you, 0:03:18.070 --> 0:03:21.050 even at the times it feels personal. The reality is 0:03:21.090 --> 0:03:23.109 that most people are not focused on us as we 0:03:23.150 --> 0:03:26.000 think they are. Actually, we're all quite self-obsessed humans. And 0:03:26.100 --> 0:03:28.160 most of us are just thinking about ourselves. And occasionally 0:03:28.200 --> 0:03:29.919 we get the chance to think about other people when 0:03:29.940 --> 0:03:32.080 we're not in our head about ourselves. People are inside 0:03:32.100 --> 0:03:35.030 their own minds, whether they're stressed out, their own fears, 0:03:35.070 --> 0:03:38.390 their own insecurities, their own childhood patterns, their own nervous 0:03:38.410 --> 0:03:41.160 system reactions. Think about everything that you are going through 0:03:41.180 --> 0:03:43.340 in your mind and just remember that other people are 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:45.560 also going through it too. So as much as you 0:03:45.620 --> 0:03:48.020 are overthinking, as much as you have anxiety, as much 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:51.120 as you have issues in your family, all of those 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:54.340 things could be happening in that person's life too. And 0:03:54.740 --> 0:03:56.700 they might just be having a bad day. They might 0:03:56.720 --> 0:03:59.340 be taking out on you and maybe they are really irritated, 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:02.060 but it might not be about you. Taking something personally 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:04.760 is literally when you interpret someone else's behavior as a 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:07.760 direct reflection of your worth. The event itself may be 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:10.300 really small, but the meaning that we attach to it 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.810 becomes massive. So the real question is not just why 0:04:13.820 --> 0:04:16.490 did they say that? The deeper question is why did 0:04:16.529 --> 0:04:19.730 that hurt me so much? Understand that people project what 0:04:19.770 --> 0:04:23.150 they haven't processed. When people are unhappy, they often transfer 0:04:23.170 --> 0:04:26.050 their inner chaos onto the safest or easiest target around them, 0:04:26.310 --> 0:04:29.210 which by the way is why you're usually the meanest 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:31.070 to the person that you love the most, If you're 0:04:31.130 --> 0:04:33.540 upset or angry, you see them when you walk through 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:35.600 the door, you'll take out on them based on something 0:04:35.620 --> 0:04:38.460 that it's not even related to. And so I think 0:04:38.480 --> 0:04:40.719 we have to also be a lot more sensitive to 0:04:40.740 --> 0:04:43.140 the people we spend the most amount of time with. Granted, 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.400 someone should not make you their punching bag just because 0:04:45.420 --> 0:04:47.160 you're around. But I think we also have to give 0:04:47.220 --> 0:04:49.690 grace to the fact that we spend so much time 0:04:49.730 --> 0:04:52.750 with certain people, they become comfortable being themselves around us. 0:04:53.150 --> 0:04:55.610 And so it's also, it's a blessing and a curse 0:04:55.630 --> 0:04:57.210 at the same time. You might be the person that 0:04:57.230 --> 0:04:59.070 gets their full amount of love, but you also might 0:04:59.089 --> 0:05:01.940 be the person that They feel comfortable being their sad self, 0:05:01.980 --> 0:05:05.540 their angry self, their upset self around you. And sometimes 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:07.780 people react to you from places that they haven't really 0:05:07.820 --> 0:05:10.280 dealt with in themselves. And when you don't realize that, 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:12.500 you can end up taking responsibility for something that was 0:05:12.589 --> 0:05:13.510 never yours to fix. 0:05:13.870 --> 0:05:15.750 You start thinking, what did I do wrong? 0:05:16.310 --> 0:05:18.510 When really they may just be moving through life with 0:05:18.589 --> 0:05:20.940 a lot they just have not processed. And the thing is, 0:05:20.950 --> 0:05:23.630 your triggers might actually just be old memories that are 0:05:23.690 --> 0:05:26.460 asking to be healed. So when something hurts too much, 0:05:26.540 --> 0:05:29.909 it's usually touching an unhealed part from the past. Sometimes 0:05:29.950 --> 0:05:32.880 something feels really personal because it's touching an older pain. 0:05:33.220 --> 0:05:35.020 A comment might be small, but the reaction in your 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.910 body feels really big. And that's usually a sign that 0:05:37.930 --> 0:05:41.270 you're not just responding to what happened now. You're responding 0:05:41.310 --> 0:05:44.020 to what this reminds you of. Maybe someone not replying 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:46.440 brings up this old feeling of being ignored. But is 0:05:46.460 --> 0:05:47.940 that person really ignoring you now? 0:05:48.200 --> 0:05:48.680 Maybe not. 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:51.800 Maybe criticism brings up this feeling of never being good enough. 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:54.660 And I can relate to that one because I remember 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:56.360 being at school and being told, you're not smart enough. 0:05:56.740 --> 0:05:59.080 You aren't getting the grades. You're not, you know, you're 0:05:59.100 --> 0:06:00.859 not performing academically as you should. 0:06:01.060 --> 0:06:02.930 And I think because I hadn't dealt with that for 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:06.970 years after, I carried that and absorbed it so much 0:06:06.990 --> 0:06:09.500 that it infiltrated into different parts of my life. whether 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:11.580 it was in relationships, whether it was at work, whether 0:06:11.610 --> 0:06:14.550 it was when I became an entrepreneur. And so my 0:06:14.589 --> 0:06:17.390 reaction to things became so much larger because I was 0:06:17.450 --> 0:06:19.810 carrying that weight of being a child that was told 0:06:19.850 --> 0:06:23.179 that and never actually processing it. And so my response, 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:25.780 when people would ask me about Juni or when people 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:28.040 would ask me about my podcast or the work that 0:06:28.060 --> 0:06:30.539 I'm doing, I would be responding from a place of 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:34.589 feeling small rather than feeling expansive and confident in the 0:06:34.610 --> 0:06:37.120 space that I was in. And instead of judging yourself 0:06:37.140 --> 0:06:39.260 for that, I think the kind of question is, what 0:06:39.339 --> 0:06:41.760 part of me is hurting right now? Because when something 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.740 hurts more than the moment seems to explain, there is 0:06:44.860 --> 0:06:47.060 usually a past filter that you're experiencing it through. 0:06:47.540 --> 0:06:49.480 It could also be triggering a deeper. 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:51.900 Feeling of yourself that you just don't like. If someone 0:06:51.940 --> 0:06:54.490 commented on me being disorganized in the past, it would 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:56.930 really upset me. And it wasn't the worst thing that 0:06:56.970 --> 0:06:59.230 anyone could ever say to me. But because part of 0:06:59.270 --> 0:07:02.200 me already felt insecure about it, when someone highlights it, 0:07:02.210 --> 0:07:05.310 it can cause a big reaction to a really small issue. 0:07:05.700 --> 0:07:07.760 Sometimes the reaction ends up being so big, not because 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:10.260 what the person said was cruel, but because it landed 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:12.440 on a place inside you that already feels tender. 0:07:12.980 --> 0:07:14.600 And I think that happens to all of us. 0:07:14.780 --> 0:07:17.520 When someone names something we are already afraid is true, 0:07:17.840 --> 0:07:20.780 the reaction can feel huge. Not because the moment is huge, 0:07:20.820 --> 0:07:23.720 but because the shame underneath it is. So the question 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:27.640 here becomes, am I upset because this person was genuinely unfair? 0:07:28.260 --> 0:07:30.290 Or am I upset because they touched on something I 0:07:30.350 --> 0:07:33.080 already judged myself for? And that is where not taking 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:36.550 things personally becomes less about the other person and so 0:07:36.590 --> 0:07:39.190 much more about how you hold yourself. Because if you 0:07:39.250 --> 0:07:42.930 are already attacking yourself internally, someone else's comment will feel 0:07:42.970 --> 0:07:45.970 like confirmation. So you have to learn to pause before 0:07:46.010 --> 0:07:49.690 reacting emotionally, before creating scenarios in your mind about a 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:52.960 whole situation. And when something touches a nerve, you might 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.560 feel the urge to defend yourself, to explain yourself, to 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:58.180 shut down, to send a message, to make a decision 0:07:58.220 --> 0:08:00.080 there and then, or to prove your point, or even 0:08:00.100 --> 0:08:03.770 to protect yourself. And in that moment, everything feels so urgent. 0:08:04.270 --> 0:08:06.290 A lot of the time, it's your nervous system just saying, 0:08:06.370 --> 0:08:08.470 I don't feel safe right now. And that is why 0:08:08.510 --> 0:08:11.410 the pause matters. The amount of times I have made 0:08:11.470 --> 0:08:14.970 decisions on the whim based on the immediate emotion I'm 0:08:15.030 --> 0:08:17.730 feeling and regretted it. I'm so happy that you can 0:08:17.770 --> 0:08:22.150 now delete messages on WhatsApp because I honestly, I'm such 0:08:22.190 --> 0:08:25.050 a reactive person and I'm really trying to learn this difference. 0:08:25.330 --> 0:08:28.540 I'm really trying to learn this ability and this patience 0:08:28.570 --> 0:08:31.820 to have a pause between reacting. Because sometimes I notice, 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:33.780 I'm like, oh, that's just my ego speaking. Or I 0:08:33.820 --> 0:08:35.620 notice I just feel really sensitive right now. I wish 0:08:35.660 --> 0:08:39.040 I hadn't said that. So thank you, WhatsApp, for creating 0:08:39.210 --> 0:08:41.490 a delete option for at least like a good hour 0:08:41.590 --> 0:08:44.010 after you've sent it. It really makes a difference. But 0:08:44.170 --> 0:08:45.890 I also don't want to have to do that. And 0:08:45.910 --> 0:08:48.190 I want to be able to give myself space to 0:08:48.230 --> 0:08:50.640 have a pause and reflect before I actually have a 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:53.339 response to something. And it gives you just enough space 0:08:53.380 --> 0:08:56.420 to ask, am I responding to what's actually happened or 0:08:56.500 --> 0:08:58.930 am I responding to what this reminds me of? So 0:08:58.990 --> 0:09:00.390 one thing that really helps me do that is just 0:09:00.429 --> 0:09:03.260 grounding myself in the present whenever my mind is spiraling. 0:09:03.710 --> 0:09:07.490 Anxiety makes everything feel so personal and it dissolves the 0:09:07.550 --> 0:09:09.869 presence that you could be feeling in that moment. And 0:09:09.929 --> 0:09:12.650 anxiety is really convincing. It makes one small thing feel 0:09:12.690 --> 0:09:15.590 like evidence. And in that state, you're not really responding 0:09:15.610 --> 0:09:17.850 to the moment anymore. You're responding to the fear that 0:09:17.870 --> 0:09:20.339 your mind has attached to that moment, which is why 0:09:20.460 --> 0:09:24.939 presence matters so much. Taking the full situation into consideration 0:09:25.000 --> 0:09:27.540 and not just a word or a sentence. Thinking about 0:09:27.580 --> 0:09:30.660 the character of a person, the long-term personality of them, 0:09:31.070 --> 0:09:34.429 taking more than just the moment into consideration. Even when 0:09:34.450 --> 0:09:36.230 it's your partner, like there are so many times where 0:09:36.370 --> 0:09:39.739 I know that my husband has this incredible character and 0:09:39.780 --> 0:09:43.140 then sometimes he'll say things in a message where it's 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:45.460 one sentence and he must be rushing around or he's 0:09:45.780 --> 0:09:47.459 running up to a place and he's written it in 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:50.460 a way that I've received it as being very short. 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:54.030 And instead of me in the moment thinking, oh my gosh, 0:09:54.050 --> 0:09:56.030 he must be being so rude. Why is he so off? 0:09:56.110 --> 0:09:57.810 I have to think, okay, I know that if he 0:09:58.170 --> 0:09:59.650 is feeling a certain way, he's going to tell me. 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:02.280 And all this evidence suggests that he's not the type 0:10:02.300 --> 0:10:05.059 of person to send messages that make me feel that way. 0:10:05.179 --> 0:10:07.760 And so instead of me right by saying, what's your problem? 0:10:08.220 --> 0:10:10.260 I could say, I could go through that in my 0:10:10.320 --> 0:10:13.620 head and respond in a more considerate way. And so 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:15.619 getting out of your own head and back into the 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:19.630 real situation is It's really important. Presence brings you back 0:10:19.670 --> 0:10:22.410 to what is actually happening, not what your mind is imagining. 0:10:22.750 --> 0:10:25.109 When you're already anxious, your brain starts looking for threat 0:10:25.429 --> 0:10:30.309 and it scans for changes in tone, timing, facial expression, silence, distance, 0:10:30.590 --> 0:10:33.750 anything that might mean something is wrong. And once it 0:10:33.790 --> 0:10:36.680 finds something, it fills in the gaps, usually with the 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:41.100 most painful explanation. Presence interrupts that whole system. It gives 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:43.640 you a moment to say, okay, what do I actually 0:10:43.660 --> 0:10:46.020 know right now? Not what do I fear? Not what 0:10:46.059 --> 0:10:48.370 have I decided? Not what did this remind me of? 0:10:48.450 --> 0:10:50.990 But what do I actually know in this moment right now? 0:10:51.530 --> 0:10:54.930 Because most spirals are built on very little evidence and 0:10:54.950 --> 0:10:57.710 they feel huge because your nervous system is so activated, 0:10:58.010 --> 0:11:01.429 not because the story is definitely true. A simple practice 0:11:01.830 --> 0:11:04.920 to help you in this is when you feel yourself spiraling, 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:06.670 pause and ask, where am I? 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:10.100 Not emotionally, but literally. I'm in my kitchen. I'm sitting 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:12.780 on my bed. I'm in my car. It is Tuesday. 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:15.100 I'm safe in this moment. I do not have all 0:11:15.140 --> 0:11:17.610 the information yet. Trying to bring yourself back into the 0:11:17.670 --> 0:11:20.050 present physical moment helps to bring your brain and your 0:11:20.090 --> 0:11:22.290 mind back into the physical moment. I have to do 0:11:22.309 --> 0:11:24.630 that whenever I'm feeling nervous or anxious going on to 0:11:24.690 --> 0:11:27.310 stages or Honestly, I do that a lot. I have 0:11:27.350 --> 0:11:29.210 to remind myself, okay, I'm sitting on a chair right now. 0:11:29.690 --> 0:11:35.270 I'm wearing a green bottom. I'm wearing a pink sweatshirt. 0:11:35.610 --> 0:11:38.270 I'm speaking to this person. They have blonde hair. Whatever 0:11:38.330 --> 0:11:40.770 it is that brings you back into the space that 0:11:40.790 --> 0:11:42.410 you're in can help bring your mind back. 0:11:42.290 --> 0:11:43.170 Into that space too. 0:11:43.570 --> 0:11:46.470 And that kind of grounding seems almost too basic, but 0:11:46.510 --> 0:11:49.450 it really does bring the brain back into the present. 0:11:49.940 --> 0:11:53.100 And from there, you can ask more useful questions. I 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:55.700 also think something we have to consider is the difference 0:11:55.740 --> 0:11:59.270 in communication. We assume everyone communicates meaning in the same 0:11:59.330 --> 0:12:03.790 way we do. So if you're someone who is naturally warm, expressive, reassuring, 0:12:03.830 --> 0:12:07.510 and emotionally detailed, you might read someone's shorter tone as coldness. 0:12:07.830 --> 0:12:09.949 You might think they're annoyed with me when really that's 0:12:09.970 --> 0:12:12.670 just how they communicate. They're just more direct. They don't 0:12:12.750 --> 0:12:15.360 add softness around everything. They may not use the same 0:12:15.380 --> 0:12:18.270 amount of emotion in their words. It's like if you're 0:12:18.450 --> 0:12:21.290 messaging someone, I'm someone who might put like X's next 0:12:21.309 --> 0:12:23.589 to everything or do emojis and then you speak to 0:12:23.630 --> 0:12:26.910 someone who doesn't use emojis ever and there's no softness 0:12:26.950 --> 0:12:29.270 around it or they don't use the heart emoji or 0:12:29.290 --> 0:12:31.380 they don't use smiley faces and suddenly you're just reading 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:33.100 the words. And if you're not used to that, that 0:12:33.140 --> 0:12:35.300 can come across as being cold. But maybe that's just 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:37.880 the way that they communicate. It doesn't automatically mean that 0:12:37.900 --> 0:12:39.830 they don't care or that there's deeper meaning in it. 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:42.740 And this happens the other way around too. Someone may 0:12:42.780 --> 0:12:46.429 be nervous or shy, socially anxious or overwhelmed. And because 0:12:46.470 --> 0:12:48.950 of that, they come across uninterested. But inside, they may 0:12:48.990 --> 0:12:51.230 actually really care a lot. They just don't know how 0:12:51.270 --> 0:12:52.949 to show it in a way that feels obvious to you. 0:12:53.330 --> 0:12:55.010 And of course, this does not mean that we ignore 0:12:55.050 --> 0:12:58.180 how communication makes us feel. If someone's way of speaking 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:01.360 consistently hurts you, that obviously matters. You're allowed to say, hey, 0:13:01.380 --> 0:13:03.000 when it comes across that way, I find it really 0:13:03.040 --> 0:13:05.480 hard to receive. But there's a big difference between saying 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:09.319 this landed harshly for me and immediately deciding that they 0:13:09.340 --> 0:13:12.150 don't respect me. So before you take it personally, ask yourself, 0:13:12.370 --> 0:13:14.710 do I know what they meant or do I only 0:13:14.750 --> 0:13:17.410 know how it landed for me? Because how something lands 0:13:17.490 --> 0:13:19.990 is really important, but it's not always the full truth 0:13:20.290 --> 0:13:22.830 of what was intended. And in healthy relationships, we can 0:13:22.850 --> 0:13:24.829 really make space for both. We can say, I believe 0:13:24.850 --> 0:13:26.530 you don't mean to hurt me in that, but I 0:13:26.570 --> 0:13:27.990 also want to tell you how it felt for me. 0:13:28.390 --> 0:13:30.050 And I think that's a really mature way to be 0:13:30.070 --> 0:13:33.250 able to communicate because it doesn't accuse, but it also 0:13:33.290 --> 0:13:36.000 doesn't abandon your own experience. It gives both people a 0:13:36.100 --> 0:13:39.150 chance to understand each other instead of defending themselves. At 0:13:39.170 --> 0:13:42.370 the deepest level, I think taking things personally comes from 0:13:42.450 --> 0:13:45.270 outsourcing our sense of self-worth or knowing what. 0:13:45.230 --> 0:13:46.190 Our true strengths are. 0:13:46.650 --> 0:13:49.080 So the deeper practice is actually building a relationship with 0:13:49.100 --> 0:13:52.240 yourself that is steady enough to receive other people's behavior 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:55.600 as information and not your identity. If someone is warm 0:13:55.620 --> 0:13:58.400 with us, we feel lovable. If someone praises us, we 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:01.530 feel talented. If someone chooses us, we feel worthy. But 0:14:01.550 --> 0:14:05.460 then if someone is cold or critical or suddenly we 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:08.360 don't just feel disappointed, we feel like something is about 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:11.079 us and we put ourselves in question. And that is 0:14:11.100 --> 0:14:13.439 such a painful way to live because your identity becomes 0:14:13.500 --> 0:14:15.000 completely dependent on. 0:14:15.020 --> 0:14:17.340 Other people's moods, opinions, and capacity. 0:14:17.940 --> 0:14:19.760 You might wake up feeling okay, you might wake up 0:14:19.780 --> 0:14:22.200 feeling great one day, but then one person speaks to 0:14:22.220 --> 0:14:24.280 you in a certain tone and suddenly your whole self-worth 0:14:24.330 --> 0:14:26.310 in that moment changes and it changes the way you 0:14:26.330 --> 0:14:28.850 spend the rest of your day. You're fine five minutes ago, 0:14:29.090 --> 0:14:31.150 but now you're questioning whether you're annoying or too much 0:14:31.250 --> 0:14:31.770 or not enough. 0:14:32.210 --> 0:14:33.110 It's so exhausting. 0:14:33.620 --> 0:14:35.720 And that's how you know your sense of self has 0:14:35.740 --> 0:14:38.660 been placed in someone else's hands because their behavior didn't 0:14:38.700 --> 0:14:39.620 just affect your mood. 0:14:40.070 --> 0:14:41.370 It changed the way that you saw yourself. 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.370 That's the part we have to pay attention to because, 0:14:44.470 --> 0:14:46.250 of course, other people affect us. 0:14:46.310 --> 0:14:47.690 We're just human. We care. 0:14:47.730 --> 0:14:50.510 We want to be loved and understood and respected and valued. 0:14:50.910 --> 0:14:53.210 There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The goal isn't 0:14:53.230 --> 0:14:55.930 to become someone who doesn't care what anyone thinks. You 0:14:55.950 --> 0:14:59.250 just allow people's behavior to inform you and not define you. 0:14:59.670 --> 0:15:01.470 So I hope that this helps you live life a 0:15:01.510 --> 0:15:04.430 little bit lighter and going through all these experiences that 0:15:04.450 --> 0:15:06.830 we go through in life in a way that allows 0:15:06.890 --> 0:15:08.850 you to respond the way that you want to, in 0:15:08.890 --> 0:15:11.770 a way that doesn't affect your self-worth, in a way 0:15:11.830 --> 0:15:15.320 that allows you to take a pause before you create 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:18.300 a story in your mind. It's really helped me. I've 0:15:18.340 --> 0:15:20.860 definitely been putting a lot of these things into practice 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:24.180 and into play when I felt my nervous system is high. 0:15:24.220 --> 0:15:25.500 And for me, it usually comes from a place of 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:28.910 anxiety where I start creating stories or I start assuming 0:15:28.950 --> 0:15:31.450 someone means something that they don't. And so I think 0:15:31.470 --> 0:15:34.050 that emotional regulation is really important, not just for you, 0:15:34.090 --> 0:15:36.450 but also for the people around you, because it can 0:15:36.490 --> 0:15:38.770 create so much tension and people can end up feeling 0:15:38.810 --> 0:15:41.130 so on edge around you if you're someone who takes 0:15:41.150 --> 0:15:43.000 things so personally and you don't want to be that 0:15:43.020 --> 0:15:45.640 person for them or for yourself. Sending you so much 0:15:45.680 --> 0:15:48.570 love and I will see you next week. 0:15:48.850 --> 0:15:49.570 Thanks so much for listening.