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Speaker 1: Contrary to what you all believe. Your kids don't owe

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Speaker 1: you a damn thing.

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Speaker 2: That's a fact.

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Speaker 3: And I will not throw in their face the things

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Speaker 3: that I have quote unquote sacrificed for them when they're older.

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Speaker 2: That was my choice.

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Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellises.

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Speaker 4: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Speaker 3: Voice and reading each other publicly as.

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Speaker 2: A form of therpy.

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Speaker 4: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 4: Yes, sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 4: We about to take philos off to our whole new level.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Story time. So I'm gonna take this back not too far.

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Speaker 1: This was this was recent. You know, me and Jackson

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Speaker 1: been you know what I'm saying, going through our thing, y'all, been.

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Speaker 1: I've been trying to navigate this parent dad coach thing.

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Speaker 4: You know, it's very difficult.

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Speaker 1: And there was a moment when we were driving back

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Speaker 1: and I had said to him and I said to him,

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Speaker 1: in a minute, I said it to him. It's going

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Speaker 1: to transfer me back to another story when I was

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Speaker 1: growing up. We're in the car and Jackson is sitting

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Speaker 1: there and he's and I'm like, yo, you seem like

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Speaker 1: this don't matter, and this don't matter to you, playing

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Speaker 1: these games, doing all this other stuff. You know how

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Speaker 1: much money I spent on training it. The minute I

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Speaker 1: started it, I stopped. You yourself, that's dope. And I

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Speaker 1: gonna tell you why I caught myself. I grew up

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Speaker 1: in the house and my parents you tell me all

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Speaker 1: the time, I want to stay sacrifice. But I remember

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Speaker 1: getting slapped one time because we were having a family

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Speaker 1: caucus and my mom was telling us all the things

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Speaker 1: that she wanted us. And when I said us, me

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Speaker 1: and my brother Brian, because Tory was only nine at

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Speaker 1: the time, so to act like she was an invalid

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Speaker 1: when she wasn't, because at nine I.

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Speaker 4: Was responsible for.

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Speaker 1: She at that time, they after she her hands didn't work,

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Speaker 1: her work, but I was responsible since I was eight,

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Speaker 1: taking care of Brian after school, before school homework. So

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Speaker 1: I was just like, not the same fear. And then

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Speaker 1: my mom had said to me, you know how much

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Speaker 1: me and your father's sacrifice to give you guys this life,

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Speaker 1: and you complain And I said sacrifice, I came here

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Speaker 1: off y'all guilty pleasures.

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Speaker 3: How old were young? Yeah?

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Speaker 4: I was seventeen. I said that.

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Speaker 2: Still old enough or younger? Nutsgate knocked out.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So my mother just looked at me, right, and I

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Speaker 1: was just like, I'm just saying so. And when she

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Speaker 1: just looked at me, I thought, I.

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Speaker 2: Thought, you shut up.

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Speaker 4: No, I knew to.

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Speaker 1: Shut up after she slapped me, But before she slapped me,

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Speaker 1: she I had went to keep going, and I guess

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Speaker 1: she was giving me time to pause and rethink what

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Speaker 1: I was saying. And I didn't rethink it, and I

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Speaker 1: was just like, because it's not fair, that's a bow.

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Speaker 1: And then I said, so now I get slapped for

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Speaker 1: having an opinion. And then she looked at my father,

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Speaker 1: and that's when I knew. I said I fucked up

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Speaker 1: now because you get up for you one. No, I

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Speaker 1: fucked up because I didn't want to get hit again,

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Speaker 1: and if he would have hit me, then a problem.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying, I'm not gonna win this.

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Speaker 1: And then my father looked at me almost like nig you.

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Speaker 2: Know, like how did you say that?

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Speaker 4: And then I was.

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Speaker 1: Just like he was like, if I go stairs, all right,

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Speaker 1: I'm going up stairs, all right.

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Speaker 2: But when I get upstairs, did you ever come back back?

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna be talking again.

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Speaker 1: I went upstairs, and I had time to think and

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Speaker 1: to be honest, I was right, like I was really

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Speaker 1: really right, Like the fact that y'all are trying to

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Speaker 1: guilt me into doing chores in the house by telling

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Speaker 1: me all the stuff you sacrificed for me just did

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Speaker 1: not sit right with me. And it was that moment

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Speaker 1: that made me feel right that I realized I was

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Speaker 1: doing the same thing to Jackson when I was in

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Speaker 1: the car, and that's what made me catch myself and

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Speaker 1: I said, you know what, and Jackson, being who he is,

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Speaker 1: just like what what finished finish? Like no, I don't

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Speaker 1: worry about it, and he was just like no, because

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Speaker 1: then he thought he did wrong.

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Speaker 2: I said, I think the same thing with you too.

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Speaker 1: Why y'all always be thinking something I'm wrong because I stopped.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes I catch myself like, nah, this is wrong. I'm

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Speaker 1: going down the wrong path.

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Speaker 3: Oh well, let us know that, acknowledge it because we

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Speaker 3: were thinking we're doing something wrong.

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Speaker 4: But I did though I said, you know what, Jackson's wrong.

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Speaker 1: I can't tell you that I sacrificed for things that

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Speaker 1: you wanted when I told you I was always going

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Speaker 1: to be in your corner for anything you want, and

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Speaker 1: I was going to be supportive. It's not then fair

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Speaker 1: for me to tell you that in a way to

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Speaker 1: guilt you to do things the way I want you to.

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Speaker 1: You have your own process, go through it. If we

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Speaker 1: don't agree on it. It's not because you have to

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Speaker 1: do it my way because I pay for something that's

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Speaker 1: not fair. And he's, oh, all right, But I caught

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Speaker 1: myself only because I remember how I felt in that time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, absolutely, all right. Sounds good now.

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Speaker 4: Story.

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Speaker 3: Uh huh. We're talking today about the sacrificial parent and what.

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Speaker 2: That looks like.

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Speaker 4: And you like to sacrifice things.

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Speaker 2: Huh huh.

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Speaker 1: What you going to sacrifice today other than this song?

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Speaker 1: Because we know you be butchering these songs. Man came

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Speaker 1: about to sacrifice the song go ahead.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, I'm not gonna sacrifice a song. But

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Speaker 2: I just thought about it because you always sing this song.

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Speaker 3: And it's funny because I growing up never sang this

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Speaker 3: song in church.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't, I at least I don't remember. It

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Speaker 2: wasn't like a staple.

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Speaker 3: We were more of like the like fusion like you

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Speaker 3: know Jamaican West Indian Seven day Adventist.

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Speaker 2: Church where it's like rege gospel.

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Speaker 3: It was death definitely like reggae gospel. You know, we

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Speaker 3: shall have our grand time up in even and it's evan,

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Speaker 3: not heaven, evan.

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Speaker 2: We shall have our grand time up in even time.

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Speaker 3: No, it's not reggae, but it's just like the cadence.

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Speaker 3: And then of course hearing the accents and everything, it

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Speaker 3: just made me think of my grandparents church.

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Speaker 2: However, that wasn't the song for.

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Speaker 4: Today though, No it wasn't.

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Speaker 2: But the song for today is your your song that

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Speaker 2: you always sing.

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Speaker 3: Now behold the lamb, the preciously oh God.

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Speaker 4: Born into sing that I'm made live again, the precious.

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Speaker 5: Girl. Oh okay vocal No, no, I'm s shout out

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Speaker 5: to Tamila Man tambly be killing that song.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: She sure does. I didn't know. So that's how I

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Speaker 2: know about the song now because Tamila sings it too.

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Speaker 2: But at the time when you used to sing it,

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Speaker 2: but we used to sing it in a different context though.

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Speaker 2: I think it was just like you were talking about

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Speaker 2: your sister as if she was.

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Speaker 1: Like yeah, because my parents act like she was the

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Speaker 1: baby Jesus, and it was like she could do nothing.

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Speaker 4: Me and me and Brian.

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Speaker 1: Were just like the Israelites, like we were the slaves

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Speaker 1: back then, and they just had us doing everything. And

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Speaker 1: I used to be like I used to feel like Moses,

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Speaker 1: like let my people go, like, let me and Brian go.

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Speaker 4: Bro.

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Speaker 1: Meanwhile, Tory come in the house, my father carrying her,

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Speaker 1: and every time I see them might just be like,

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Speaker 1: look at the baby.

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Speaker 2: Oh my goshirl.

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Speaker 6: So that became a running joke between me and Brian

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Speaker 6: whenever toy were coming in the room, we'd be like, no, Now,

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Speaker 6: she never knew that she listens to this podcast the

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Speaker 6: whole time.

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Speaker 2: You in that scoop bond Man that went deep for

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Speaker 2: a long time.

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Speaker 3: All right, y'all, let's go ahead and to a quick

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Speaker 3: break and we'll get back to chatting more about the

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Speaker 3: sacrificial parent and what that means. So, yeah, we're talking

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Speaker 3: today about what it means to be a sacrificial parent.

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Speaker 3: And this just it kind of struck me one day

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Speaker 3: because I was randomly in my thoughts about just you know, things, and.

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Speaker 2: One thing that my.

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Speaker 3: Mom, for years, I mean, and this is since we

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Speaker 3: were kids, would talk about is how much she's sacrificed

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Speaker 3: for us to give us the life that she and

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Speaker 3: my father provided. And for a long time, I think

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Speaker 3: this is why as a child I was so nervous

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Speaker 3: and scared to disappoint my parents, because I would always

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Speaker 3: hear in the back of my mind, I've sacrificed this

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Speaker 3: much for you to be able to do X, Y

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Speaker 3: and Z. So for me as a child, there was

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Speaker 3: like a very very big weight on my shoulders. And

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Speaker 3: I even think back to, for example, when I was

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Speaker 3: applying to colleges and you know, really feeling in my

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Speaker 3: gut that the medical feel wasn't for me, and also thinking, damn,

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Speaker 3: like my parents have done all these things, like I

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Speaker 3: feel like I owe it to them to have a

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Speaker 3: job that's secure, that'll make me decent money, so that

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Speaker 3: I don't have to have them continue to feel like

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Speaker 3: they're sacrificing for me. And that was a lot of

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Speaker 3: pressure I felt as a kid growing up because I

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Speaker 3: felt like, like, no matter what I do, I'm always

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Speaker 3: going to be within the confines of making sure that

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Speaker 3: my parents are going to be in approval of whatever it.

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Speaker 2: Was that I did.

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Speaker 3: So as I got older, and of course now I

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Speaker 3: become a parent and I have, you know, our four boys,

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Speaker 3: and I'm just thinking about all of the things that

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Speaker 3: we are doing to provide a particular life for them.

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Speaker 3: The question kind of hit me, and that's when I

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Speaker 3: then turned to you and asked you how you felt

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Speaker 3: about it. I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything

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Speaker 3: now as a parent for my children. What I'm doing

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Speaker 3: is I'm providing them a life that I feel like

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Speaker 3: they deserve because they are my children, and I, as

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Speaker 3: a parent, want for them to experience this type of

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Speaker 3: life under my care.

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Speaker 2: But it's not a thing that I feel like in.

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Speaker 3: The long run they'll owe me because of all the

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Speaker 3: hard work and the sacrifices that I've made it that

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Speaker 3: I've made to them or for them over the years.

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Speaker 3: It's more so my children deserve this, and this is

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Speaker 3: the type of parent that I wanted to be. So

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Speaker 3: going back to like my mom and her telling the

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Speaker 3: sacrifice thing, I did speak to her about it once

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Speaker 3: and I said, you know that you coining it in

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Speaker 3: that term. You know that I've sacrificed so much for you.

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Speaker 3: It almost feels like it's a throw in the face

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Speaker 3: sometimes because it feels like, well, if you don't do X,

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Speaker 3: Y and Z for me, or if it's not to

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Speaker 3: my liking or to my approval, then all of the

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Speaker 3: sacrifices that I've made were in vain. Have you ever

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Speaker 3: felt like that with like your family or your parents,

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Speaker 3: or was that ever the narrative that they've you know,

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Speaker 3: given to you. No.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, I mean I feel like that's just that generation's

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Speaker 1: way of communicating that they're rooting for you and make

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Speaker 1: good decisions was to say, I've sacrificed a lot, don't

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Speaker 1: fuck it up, right, Like it's like I've done a

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Speaker 1: lot of things in my life to help support you.

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Speaker 1: For example, your mother worked nine to five, but on

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Speaker 1: the weekends she was driving and traveling around the country

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Speaker 1: so you can attend pageants.

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Speaker 4: That's something she did not have to do. You said

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Speaker 4: you wanted to do pageants.

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Speaker 1: So she was like, I'm going to sacrifice my weekends,

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Speaker 1: my time for myself, my time with my friends, things

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Speaker 1: that I could do as an individual, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to dedicate all of this time to my daughter and

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Speaker 1: hopefully you go on and do great things with speaking

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Speaker 1: and what you've done. But I guess in her mind

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Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, I've done all of this, I've made

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Speaker 1: all these sacrifices, and now Kadem meets a boy, she

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Speaker 1: get pregnant, she not doing anything she wanted to do anymore.

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Speaker 1: It's like, why did I sacrifice all of that time

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Speaker 1: in years if you're just going to go out and

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Speaker 1: friviously do what you wanted to do on your time

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Speaker 1: without even considering what I've sacrificed.

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Speaker 4: So I understand where parents come from.

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Speaker 1: I just don't like when his weapon anytime we as

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Speaker 1: children make decisions that they don't agree with without even

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Speaker 1: trying to understand why we're making the decision we made.

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Speaker 4: Huh, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: I gotcha.

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Speaker 3: That's a good point because I can see how as

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Speaker 3: a firstborn and as a girl, particularly for my parents especially,

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Speaker 3: I mean That doesn't mean that parenting a boy or

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Speaker 3: a girl is any less difficult on either side. But

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Speaker 3: I can see how from my mom, you know, growing

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Speaker 3: up the way she did in Jamaica, back home the oldest,

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Speaker 3: then coming to America at seventeen, having to find her way,

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Speaker 3: that was a particular struggle that I don't even think

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Speaker 3: I could have done at seventeen.

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Speaker 2: So I have the utmost respects for.

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Speaker 3: My mom being able to survive that. You know, a

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Speaker 3: lot of people could have come up here and got

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Speaker 3: caught up in bad company or just given up and

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Speaker 3: went back home to Jamaica and said it was too much.

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Speaker 3: But she was like literally persistent and had work ethic.

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Speaker 3: I think the only other person I've met like that

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Speaker 3: is you, but to succeed.

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Speaker 1: But I will say this, your mom didn't do all

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Speaker 1: of those things for you. Your mom did all of

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Speaker 1: those things for her herself. She wanted a different lifestyle

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Speaker 1: and that's what she got when she got here. She

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Speaker 1: met your dad, and her and her your dad had

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Speaker 1: a plan for themselves with which included you.

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Speaker 4: Right, It's not like we was up this.

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Speaker 1: The only thing I don't like about that statement, Like

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Speaker 1: even my parents, my mother's famous thing to say, and

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Speaker 1: she got it from The Cosby Show is but in this.

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Speaker 2: World, I take you out, not the Cosby Show quote.

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Speaker 2: Who is that clear?

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Speaker 4: That? And then Cliff said it at one point.

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Speaker 1: My issue is that is that parents in the nineties

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Speaker 1: you just say that shit all the time. Y'all make

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Speaker 1: it seem like I was up in the universe just

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Speaker 1: wandering around, stopped saying that, and I hope somebody bring

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Speaker 1: me in this world.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. I wasn't doing that.

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Speaker 1: I actually just got here, like, oh shit, niggas was

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Speaker 1: fucking now I'm here.

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Speaker 4: What am I supposed to do?

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Speaker 1: Parents have a douciary responsibility right to society to invest

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Speaker 1: time in the children you're now putting into society.

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Speaker 2: That's in fact, and so many people aren't.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 1: So if you vestif you sacrifice for society, you sacrificed

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Speaker 1: for me.

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Speaker 3: Well, that people are worried about society, then they probably

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Speaker 3: is half the reason why they don't even be given

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Speaker 3: to fuck some time.

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Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 4: They don't care.

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Speaker 2: Some people don't don't parent to that magnitude.

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Speaker 1: But I just noticed that with children in particular, when

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Speaker 1: you love your children unconditionally. And when I say unconditionally

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Speaker 1: is no matter what they do, you always love them.

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Speaker 1: You start to realize how your demeanor, your words, your

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Speaker 1: body language can affect them, and they don't want to

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Speaker 1: disappoint you when they love you unconditionally. So it's just like, dang,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to create this idea that my love

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Speaker 1: is conditional to my kids.

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Speaker 3: That's a super important point that you make, because I

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Speaker 3: even think about with Jackson now and him feeling like

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Speaker 3: he doesn't want to disappoint us because whether it's athletics

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Speaker 3: or it's academics, he I think finally feels comfortable knowing

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Speaker 3: that regardless of what you bring into this house, meaning grades,

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Speaker 3: regardless of what the outcome of the game is, my

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Speaker 3: parents are gonna love me regardless. And because we're so

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Speaker 3: proactive about making sure that in that moment, if you

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Speaker 3: did make a mistake, or if you did have a

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Speaker 3: bad test or a bad day, because those things happen,

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Speaker 3: and we give our children grace, it's how you recover

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Speaker 3: from it.

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Speaker 2: So that's more so what we're trying to teach.

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Speaker 3: Now. It's not that we don't want you to be

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Speaker 3: or feel like, damn, my parents are so untouchable because

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Speaker 3: they've done all these great things, and therefore I can't

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Speaker 3: even live up to that, and if I don't, it'll

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Speaker 3: be a disappointment.

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Speaker 2: It's just knowing they're gonna have moments, yeah, but.

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Speaker 1: Also also letting them know that my life was not

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Speaker 1: dedicated to you. You know, the type of pressure that

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Speaker 1: puts on a kid to feel like I have to

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Speaker 1: perform because my dad and my mom sacrificed so much.

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Speaker 1: Now you're making things that don't even matter, like a

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Speaker 1: game or a report, Because things that realistically don't matter,

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Speaker 1: you're putting so much more impetus on it. Now it's

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Speaker 1: difficult for them to perform, you know what I'm saying, Like,

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Speaker 1: we as parents have so much power over our children

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Speaker 1: because they actually learn about the world through our lens.

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Speaker 4: Right, everything they learn they see through us.

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Speaker 1: When you start to put in their mind like you

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Speaker 1: have to do this for your parents, do this for

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Speaker 1: your mom, do this for your dad, they still then

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Speaker 1: start to feel like everything I'm doing I have to

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Speaker 1: do for someone else, and that's not what I want.

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Speaker 2: To someone else's approval and standards.

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Speaker 1: And I don't want that for them. Because then a

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Speaker 1: lot of people take that to their spouse. You know,

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Speaker 1: spouse is like to say that you know how much

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Speaker 1: I sacrifice to be in this relationship.

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Speaker 2: With your Yes, Yo, I could be out here in

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Speaker 2: the streets. You know how many other men or women

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Speaker 2: want to be get with me.

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Speaker 3: I could be doing all these things again, weaponizing weaponizing

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Speaker 3: the moment.

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Speaker 1: And the hardest thing about weaponizing that is understanding that

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Speaker 1: you had a choice as a parent, you had a

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Speaker 1: choice as a spouse. Once you made that choice, you

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Speaker 1: can no longer hold that over that person's head because

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Speaker 1: you made the choice. Now, if you say to your child, look,

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Speaker 1: I noticed that you're not investing a lot of time

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Speaker 1: into this project. And I'm not going to continue to

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Speaker 1: invest more time in your project than you. Yep, so,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not going to sacrifice time. If you're not

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Speaker 1: going to sacrifice, you're not committed. That's talking about the future,

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Speaker 1: Like if we're making a plan, that's different than saying

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Speaker 1: I've sacrificed so much time already.

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Speaker 4: You have to do this now. No, Hey, we've done

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Speaker 4: this already.

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Speaker 1: It's not working, So let me not continue to throw

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Speaker 1: the Oh I've sacrificed let's say I won't continue to sacrifice. So,

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Speaker 1: for example, Jackson knows as soon as he come home

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Speaker 1: from school that he's not going to plan anything between

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Speaker 1: the hours of four thirty and seven thirty because if

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Speaker 1: he has a practice, I'm going to be there. If

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Speaker 1: he has training sessions, I'm going to do it. And

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Speaker 1: I'm going to sacrifice time with his brother's, time with

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Speaker 1: my wife, time with my associates that i'm building businesses

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Speaker 1: and projects with. I'm going to sacrifice that. Just like today, Joe,

390
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Speaker 1: my manager, I'm like, yo, I'm not going to be

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Speaker 1: able to make it because we're supposed to have a

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Speaker 1: Zoom meeting. I can't make the Zoom meeting because Jackson

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Speaker 1: has practice and I got it, and he's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: no problem.

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Speaker 4: D mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to tell Jackson moving forward, you know

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Speaker 1: how many Zoom meetings I sacrificed this, you're going.

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Speaker 2: To do it.

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Speaker 4: Oh, it's going to be listening, bro.

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Speaker 1: If you're not that serious about it moving forward, I'm

401
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Speaker 1: probably going to take a couple of these meetings until

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Speaker 1: you show me that you're serious about it.

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Speaker 4: You see what I'm saying.

404
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Speaker 3: A far different approach because I even think about myself.

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Speaker 3: Back in the day with piano lessons, my mom was like,

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Speaker 3: I think it'd be nice if you played the piano, and.

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Speaker 2: I was like, all right.

408
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Speaker 3: Wasn't something that I asked for, but was just like, okay,

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Speaker 3: I'll give it a try, because she wanted to expose

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Speaker 3: me to things which I appreciate too. See if you

411
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Speaker 3: like playing the piano. I was doing dance at the time.

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Speaker 3: She's like, an instrument might be nice. Not knowing at

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Speaker 3: the time, I think her underlying her underlying lesson which

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Speaker 3: she didn't articulate to me at the time, but after

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Speaker 3: I figured out, was that she was trying to teach

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Speaker 3: me discipline and doing something that you don't necessarily want

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Speaker 3: to do, but you're required to do. And you're going

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Speaker 3: to see it through because you're going to be required

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Speaker 3: in life to do things that you don't necessarily want to.

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Speaker 2: Do, but you have to do that's important. So this

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Speaker 2: was by the piano lessons. So the piano lessons.

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Speaker 3: Love my piano teacher, had a great relationship with him,

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Speaker 3: but my heart just was not in it.

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Speaker 2: But also too, the approach she took with it was.

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Speaker 3: You know how many you know I'm doing a weekend

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Speaker 3: job or picking up extra gigs just to make sure

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Speaker 3: that you have your extra curriculars and you have these

428
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Speaker 3: things that you're doing. And at the time, I was

429
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Speaker 3: just like, damn, I can't even tell mom that I

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Speaker 3: don't enjoy this, and I'd want to stop, and she's

431
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Speaker 3: essentially wasting her money because I'm just not interested in

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Speaker 3: playing the piano. But I didn't feel yeah, but and

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Speaker 3: I did it just to kind of pacify her to

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Speaker 3: the point where I had such severe performance anxiety when

435
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Speaker 3: I had to play in recitals and I had.

436
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Speaker 2: To play in school.

437
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,320
Speaker 3: You know, they would be like, oh, kat, he plays Yanna,

438
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Speaker 3: And she was always quick to say, gad, he plays

439
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Speaker 3: the piano.

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Speaker 2: Let's go give her some exposure.

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Speaker 3: And I used to hate it because I was never

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Speaker 3: fully committed or prepared for it so at the time,

443
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,600
Speaker 3: which she probably didn't even know herself how to vocalize it,

444
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,000
Speaker 3: as this was just a lesson for me to teach discipline.

445
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,360
Speaker 3: For me, it just felt like, damn, if I tell

446
00:19:57,359 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 3: my mom I don't want to play the piano right now,

447
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,760
Speaker 3: I want to disappoint her and it'll be a waste

448
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,440
Speaker 3: of money. When essentially she was still wasting her money anyway.

449
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,800
Speaker 3: So that makes me think of you and Jackson, and

450
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,600
Speaker 3: you know the way you can verbalize it to your children,

451
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 3: So it's more so empowering them to make the decision

452
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,000
Speaker 3: to say, am I going to commit to this or

453
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,280
Speaker 3: is it something that I just rather just kind of

454
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 3: back away from it and just say, you know what, this

455
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,240
Speaker 3: may not be the time, or I'm just not interested, right.

456
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,480
Speaker 1: And ultimately, I just feel like it's important to stop

457
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,679
Speaker 1: weaponizing those words for our children, especially kids who aren't

458
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,920
Speaker 1: emotionally intelligent enough to understand what's being said.

459
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,360
Speaker 4: They take it. It's heavy for them.

460
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,720
Speaker 1: It's just like wow, like, yeah, my family is sacrificing,

461
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 1: so let me you know. And some people that's so

462
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 1: al if they have to learn and understand the idea

463
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,960
Speaker 1: of a sacrifice and things of that nature, I call bullshit.

464
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,400
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

465
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,399
Speaker 1: I call bullshit because when you become an adult, you

466
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,400
Speaker 1: start to realize that if there's something I don't want

467
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,800
Speaker 1: to do, I'm not going to do it. It's no

468
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,280
Speaker 1: matter how much you guilt me. The only reason why

469
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 1: we do it to our children is because they feel

470
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,280
Speaker 1: like they can't no, right, so if you think about it,

471
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,840
Speaker 1: it's predatory and it's social controlling, like there's something wrong,

472
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:06,880
Speaker 1: it's narcissistic.

473
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,159
Speaker 3: It's also felt like, well, you guys owe this to

474
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,720
Speaker 3: me because I've done all these things, Like how many

475
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,320
Speaker 3: times have you heard from random people like, oh, you know,

476
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 3: my kid better make it because they got to take

477
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 3: care of me when I'm older. Oh man, and putting

478
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:20,560
Speaker 3: that pressure on children.

479
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,680
Speaker 4: That's that's a big I'm glad you brought that up.

480
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:24,480
Speaker 4: That's a big point.

481
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,119
Speaker 1: And I've watched this with a lot of my friends

482
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,679
Speaker 1: who are professional athletes and I was an athlete. And

483
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,239
Speaker 1: you have parents who feel like, now that you've made it,

484
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 1: I get my.

485
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,520
Speaker 3: Just do Yeah, you know, it's like a payback thing,

486
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,960
Speaker 3: like I've taken care of you all your life, therefore

487
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,399
Speaker 3: you have to take care of me now. Granted, if

488
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,160
Speaker 3: you are a good person and you value your parents

489
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,520
Speaker 3: and you are doing well and you just naturally feel

490
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,640
Speaker 3: innately that you want to help your parents because that's

491
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,720
Speaker 3: just what you want to do for your parents, then

492
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,080
Speaker 3: that's one thing. But it's different when you feel like

493
00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:54,480
Speaker 3: it's an obligation or your parents are making you feel

494
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 3: obligated to have to, and the entitlement takes away from

495
00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,879
Speaker 3: the genuine spirit of your wanting to do it because

496
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 3: you want to do it. The expectation eliminates all that me.

497
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,119
Speaker 4: And my father went through. That this is a vulnerable moment.

498
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 1: Me and my father didn't speak for six months when

499
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,200
Speaker 1: I was in the NFL because when I first got

500
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:18,160
Speaker 1: to the NFL, it seemed like everything that I thought

501
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,959
Speaker 1: was like a way to do things with your child changed.

502
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,000
Speaker 1: I had to use car, I had to hustle, you know,

503
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 1: I had to learn how to fix all my stuff

504
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,080
Speaker 1: on my car, sparks, plug stuff because money was scarce.

505
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 1: And then when I asked for a new car. I

506
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 1: remember particularly I'd asked my dad. I said, Yo, I'm

507
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,440
Speaker 1: going to take out a loan get my own car

508
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 1: as long as you can let me get on your insurance.

509
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 4: And he was like, oh, you don't need a new car.

510
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,919
Speaker 1: And he's talking to my brother, and my brother told me, Yo,

511
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,720
Speaker 1: I spoke to Dad, Pop saying you need a new car.

512
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:47,040
Speaker 1: I signed to the Alliance right, no signing bonus, no nothing.

513
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,040
Speaker 1: That was a friend and Tryout went on that trip.

514
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,480
Speaker 1: Remember I went on that trip. Remember Friday Sunday that

515
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,240
Speaker 1: Sunday night. When I got back, the first thing my

516
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,560
Speaker 1: dad asked me was can you help me brother get

517
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,760
Speaker 1: a car? And I did help my brother get a

518
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,760
Speaker 1: car in part because I felt guilty, like my parents

519
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 1: satisficed sot me. Yeah, I had survivor's remorse, but my parents,

520
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,879
Speaker 1: I felt guilty. I was like, dang, like they sacrificed,

521
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: so this is my sacles to me help my brother.

522
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,320
Speaker 1: Then I asked my father's like, yo, you said you

523
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 1: were going to help me get my brother car. My

524
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,800
Speaker 1: father said, YO, I don't. I don't have it. You

525
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,640
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying right now to help you get

526
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,680
Speaker 1: a car. I want to help your brother with the car,

527
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: so if you could take care of it, take care

528
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:25,920
Speaker 1: of it. So now I was like fine, I'll take

529
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: care of it, and I ended up buying him f

530
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,920
Speaker 1: one fifty and then he ended up putting the rims

531
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 1: and the grill on the car.

532
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,880
Speaker 4: But then I get back.

533
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,119
Speaker 1: From my rookie season and I noticed that my dad

534
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,640
Speaker 1: has two new cars. Him and my mom have new cars.

535
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:45,480
Speaker 1: And I found out because one of my close friends, Balau,

536
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 1: who was living with my parents at the time. I

537
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 1: was like, yo, what's cool? What you did with for

538
00:23:48,119 --> 00:23:49,879
Speaker 1: your dad. I said, what you mean, like, yo, you

539
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 1: got your parents' cars. And I said, I didn't get

540
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 1: my parents no cars.

541
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,399
Speaker 2: That was assumption, because.

542
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, and he really gotten a check yet, had

543
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:00,359
Speaker 3: you at that point at.

544
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 1: The time when I had gotten the car for Brian

545
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 1: And this was the middle of the season. My father

546
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 1: asked me in spring and once I started getting paid

547
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 1: in during the season, that's when I got my brother car.

548
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 1: But then I was like, yo, like I didn't get

549
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: my parents no car. He was like, I said, my

550
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,720
Speaker 1: parents got new cars. And he was just like, yo,

551
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 1: you got to talk to your parents about that, Like

552
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: I know what was going on. So then I spoke

553
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,399
Speaker 1: to my pops and my pop was like, yeah, I

554
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: was meaning to talk to you about that, you know,

555
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:28,639
Speaker 1: And I was just like, what you mean, meaning when

556
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,560
Speaker 1: I asked you if you could help me get Brian Carr,

557
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 1: you said you didn't even have it the money, And

558
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,720
Speaker 1: he's like, I didn't because you bought Brian a used car.

559
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: Was at the time it was fifteen thousand dollars and

560
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 1: I was like, go half, he said, I didn't have that,

561
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 1: but he said, you know, I already drive an Accura.

562
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,480
Speaker 1: They told me if I wanted to get into a

563
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,399
Speaker 1: new Accurate, it was only going to be fifteen hundred

564
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,120
Speaker 1: dollars down, and I can get a new one lease.

565
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,240
Speaker 1: So when I went there to get the second one least,

566
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: they told me they didn't give your mother one for

567
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,000
Speaker 1: another deal, so it was only going to be about

568
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 1: twenty five hundred dollars down.

569
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 4: So at the time I didn't ask all those questions.

570
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: The minute my father said to me he had both

571
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,119
Speaker 1: of them a new car, I was pissed and I

572
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:06,119
Speaker 1: just went radio silent because I felt like I was

573
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 1: being used. I was just like, yo, like you made

574
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: me feel guilty all of this time about you know,

575
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:15,399
Speaker 1: sacrifices and stuff. You told me you couldn't help me,

576
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 1: but then you went and got yourself a new car.

577
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: And he said to me, he was just like, you know,

578
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 1: I spent my whole life buying stuff for you and

579
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 1: your brother.

580
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 4: You had a new car. Think about it. I ain't

581
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 4: have no new car. And he's right, But he's right.

582
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,119
Speaker 1: Like when I was a senior in high school, my

583
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: father bought me a nineteen eighty nine Maxima.

584
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 4: It was fly It was black, black rims with the

585
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:35,440
Speaker 4: chrome lip.

586
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,560
Speaker 1: I had eighteen inch subworphers in the back, like my

587
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,399
Speaker 1: pops helped me down, you know what I'm saying.

588
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,720
Speaker 4: But he never forget, never let me forget about it.

589
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 1: Even growing up in the house, every time I did

590
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:48,160
Speaker 1: something wrong or did something he didn't like, it wasn't

591
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 1: even wrong. Sometimes if I made a decision and he

592
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,199
Speaker 1: didn't like, the first thing he would say it was,

593
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 1: you know, you don't have to drive that car that

594
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:53,120
Speaker 1: I bought.

595
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,280
Speaker 4: And it's like, damn, why get me a fucking car?

596
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 1: Every time I don't do something you agree with. So

597
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,600
Speaker 1: there was one point in the house I.

598
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:01,640
Speaker 4: Just didn't want to count.

599
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:02,960
Speaker 2: I knew you were going to say that. I'm like,

600
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,040
Speaker 2: you were like, I don't want that car.

601
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 1: I'll never forget. It was a Saturday morning. I did

602
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,160
Speaker 1: not have football practice. It was on a bye week.

603
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 1: Now every other day I had to drive in the

604
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 1: morning for football practice. I used to drive to games

605
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,640
Speaker 1: and I used to do everything Saturday morning. I finally

606
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,879
Speaker 1: get to sleep in and he's like, yo, can you

607
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,960
Speaker 1: take your sister to choir hustle? And I'm like it's

608
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,640
Speaker 1: my only day to sleep, Like, like why I got

609
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 1: to take it to choir rustle, and he was just like, you.

610
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,320
Speaker 4: Don't be ungrateful. You know you don't have to drive

611
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 4: that car.

612
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 1: Say you know what, You're right, And I put the

613
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: keys on the counter and I went back to sleep.

614
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 2: That is so devout, Oh my.

615
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: God, because the fact of the matter is, you're right.

616
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,320
Speaker 1: I don't need to drive this car. And to be honest,

617
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,119
Speaker 1: I don't want to know more because you took the

618
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 1: joy away by trying to guilt me and trying to

619
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,200
Speaker 1: manipulate me into doing everything you wanted.

620
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,399
Speaker 4: Now that you blessed me with the blessing, so it

621
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 4: bothered me.

622
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,640
Speaker 2: So that now he has to take to Yeah, so.

623
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,480
Speaker 1: He he has to take to and he was pissed.

624
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,960
Speaker 1: And then me and him got into a back and forth.

625
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: And at the time, I'm seventeen. I'm seventeen years old

626
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,639
Speaker 1: at the time got my license because I took drivers

627
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,720
Speaker 1: that and I made certain sacrifices to make sure I

628
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: can get the call for myself. I was working in

629
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,160
Speaker 1: Hogan days to put gas in my own car. Because

630
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 1: then I was also pissed. I was just like, yo,

631
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:18,960
Speaker 1: if I'm a taker and you're gonna put gas in

632
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 1: my car, He's like, you work. So it's like damn, Like,

633
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,800
Speaker 1: so now you're not even gonna give me gas to put.

634
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 4: In the car. I gotta take your daughter. Your daughter's

635
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 4: your sister. It's like it seems it seems like everything

636
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:29,320
Speaker 4: I say.

637
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 1: You have a problem with my guy, everything I say

638
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: you have a problem with right, But then.

639
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,880
Speaker 2: It came back to here, you know how.

640
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 4: To I know, argumentative?

641
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 2: Oh for sure.

642
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: Remember the whole comment about I came here of y'all

643
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: guilty pleasures and he was like, that's your sister.

644
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 4: Said oh, now she's my sister. She here or of y'all?

645
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 2: That was that was like a coined phrase.

646
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 1: That was because because it was the fast.

647
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 2: I was like, I did not ask to be here.

648
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:59,000
Speaker 3: I did to be involved in these shenanigans.

649
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,160
Speaker 4: So I didn't ask. I was in there bumping the ground.

650
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,640
Speaker 4: And Tory came nine years after me. Now she my kid?

651
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, is my kid too?

652
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 3: To our children, they're the daughters that we've never had

653
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 3: us how to be better parents because.

654
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 2: Still parenting them now to this day, but I still have.

655
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,000
Speaker 1: I had to have some very deep rooted trauma dealing

656
00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: with my parents over the past couple of years because

657
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 1: of the things that they said and did to me,

658
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,160
Speaker 1: and even even now, up until like the last couple

659
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 1: of years, me and my father had like a very

660
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 1: tumultuous relationship when it came to finance because he used

661
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 1: to always throw in my face how much he did,

662
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: how he did. So now it was just like, don't

663
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,560
Speaker 1: ask me for nothing, because you made it clear to

664
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: me how much you did for me. And I had

665
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 1: all the things I had to do without my life

666
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 1: because you did it. Don't then say to me now

667
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 1: a reminder of all the stuff you did. I paid

668
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: that price already. I paid that price. I'm not paying

669
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: that price no more. And then I had to kind

670
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:57,680
Speaker 1: of pay parent. Yeah, I was you know what I'm saying.

671
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: It was now, be know when I became a parent,

672
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 1: I understood he understood it his perspective, and I was like, wow,

673
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 1: like he really wasn't trying to.

674
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 4: Belittle me or guilty.

675
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:09,560
Speaker 3: Yeah.

676
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 1: I don't still think he understood what those words were

677
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:13,560
Speaker 1: doing to me.

678
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 3: I wonder if there's danger in us saying to think

679
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,960
Speaker 3: of us as parents now, right, because I know we

680
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 3: on our podcasts and stuff, we talk about our parents

681
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 3: and we talk about moments and we rehash things. But

682
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 3: our parents literally made us who we are, so it's

683
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:30,960
Speaker 3: never from a place of like our parents are the worst.

684
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 3: It's never that, But of course we use it as

685
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:34,560
Speaker 3: a way to learn.

686
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 4: Conversations I've had with my dad, yeah.

687
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 3: For sure, and the way I've had It's funny your

688
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 3: mom and my mom and your dad are very similar

689
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 3: personality wise, and our mom, your mom and my dad.

690
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 4: Are very similar.

691
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 3: But it makes me think about as a parent when

692
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 3: we talk about, like, you know, everything we do is

693
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 3: for the boys or for the legacy. I wonder if,

694
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 3: like Jackson, because he's a little older, if he, ever,

695
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:59,200
Speaker 3: when he hears us say that, feels that pressure or

696
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 3: is it just him observing how hard we work and

697
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:08,120
Speaker 3: how much we work, is it already innate in him

698
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,760
Speaker 3: to just want to do well because of that? Because

699
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,800
Speaker 3: for me, my mom would always do the ice sacrifice,

700
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 3: I sacrifice thing. However, it was enough for me to

701
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,520
Speaker 3: see her working extra long hours. It was enough for

702
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 3: me to see her come home from work, get dinner

703
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 3: on the table, get us to bed, and then stay

704
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 3: up for another four or five six hours to write

705
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:33,200
Speaker 3: her note to do her paperwork. As a nurse. This

706
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,160
Speaker 3: is before technology, so everything was handwritten. It was enough

707
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:37,760
Speaker 3: for me to wake up in the morning and see

708
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,640
Speaker 3: that she barely took a nap on the couch because

709
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,840
Speaker 3: she had so much work to do and everything was

710
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 3: building up. It was enough for me to see that

711
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 3: she took a weekend to take me to a dance competition,

712
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 3: knowing she was coming back to an overload of work.

713
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 3: So just seeing those things would have been enough for

714
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 3: me to say, you know what. And it's still enough

715
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 3: for me now to say, well, you know what, when

716
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 3: I'm able to, I'm going to make sure that my

717
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 3: parents are taken care of. It didn't acquire her to

718
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:06,480
Speaker 3: throw the I sacrifice in every situation, if that makes sense.

719
00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 3: I'm wondering how Jackson feels.

720
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 1: You know, we have those conversations I tell him. I

721
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 1: tell him all the time about a Jackson and anything

722
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: you're doing now you do not have to do, Like,

723
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 1: don't think that you have to play basketball because I

724
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 1: want you to play basketball. You're going to play a

725
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:29,960
Speaker 1: sport because you have to understand what discipline is for yourself.

726
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: But you don't have to pick a sport because what

727
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,920
Speaker 1: I like, you have to pick a sport. Though you

728
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 1: love basketball, you love football, you love track and field.

729
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,040
Speaker 1: You might want to try Batmanton at some point. I

730
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,520
Speaker 1: don't care what it is. My whole point with this

731
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: is you can't quit because you have an obligation to

732
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 1: yourself and your team. Yes, I've never said to him

733
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 1: you can't quit because of what I've done. Never this way,

734
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,120
Speaker 1: he feels empowered to do what he wants to do.

735
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 4: Now.

736
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 1: I wasn't always at this point. I arrived at this

737
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 1: point after listening to myself in there say the exact

738
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:05,600
Speaker 1: words my dad said. I felt self checking exactly how

739
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:08,240
Speaker 1: my dad felt like I legit felt like I'm like, yo,

740
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,280
Speaker 1: my g you said you wanted to play AAU basketball,

741
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,040
Speaker 1: You said you wanted to get this training, you said

742
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,440
Speaker 1: you wanted to get all of this. I'm paying this money,

743
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 1: I'm sacrificing my weekends. You can't just go out there

744
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,960
Speaker 1: and just give me a half assed effort. You know

745
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 1: how much money I said it was once I started that,

746
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:29,240
Speaker 1: but I knew how my dad felt exaccurate, Like you

747
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: said you wanted to do all these things, and I'm

748
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 1: partnering with you. You can't just quit the partnership when

749
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,560
Speaker 1: it's convenient. You got to see that through, and I

750
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: think that's what parents, our parents are trying to say.

751
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 4: I think their choice of words were just a little

752
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 4: bit right.

753
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 3: Choice delivery might have been a little bit a little

754
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 3: bit right, But we know better, we do better, and

755
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,520
Speaker 3: that's what we're working on as parents ourselves.

756
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 4: Cut you off, go ahead. I do want to say

757
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 4: this too.

758
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 1: I love my dad so much because I was able

759
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 1: to have a conversation with him about how it made

760
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: me feel.

761
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 4: He corrected himself.

762
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 1: We talked so much about the older generation and how

763
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 1: they stuck in their ways.

764
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 4: One thing I say about both my parents.

765
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,520
Speaker 1: I talked to my mom about my relationship with her dad,

766
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 1: and she had told me how she felt, and I

767
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 1: told her how I felt. She didn't judge me, she

768
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,720
Speaker 1: didn't force anything on me. She was like, I didn't

769
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: know that you felt that way, and I understand why

770
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:25,280
Speaker 1: you would feel that way.

771
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:26,440
Speaker 4: This is how I feel.

772
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,760
Speaker 1: I'm not going to try to change your mind about

773
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 1: how you do things, but I'm not changing my mind

774
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 1: about how I do things. Were just going to have

775
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 1: to agree to move separately and differently when it comes

776
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 1: to this. My dad was the same way my dad apologized,

777
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 1: was like, bro, I didn't realize how some of the

778
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,000
Speaker 1: stuff I did to you and not your brother and

779
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,440
Speaker 1: sister made you feel isolated. I didn't understand how saying

780
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 1: those things made you feel like you old me. Or

781
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:51,680
Speaker 1: he was like, I was trying to teach you responsibilities.

782
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 1: I was trying to teach you what sacrifice looks like.

783
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 1: But he definitely said, now that I know that, I'll

784
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,120
Speaker 1: do better and look at you now and for real.

785
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,760
Speaker 2: The same way I said, look at me now, so

786
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:02,200
Speaker 2: I can.

787
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:05,720
Speaker 3: I'm like, it's never that much, it's never not much, right,

788
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,319
Speaker 3: but for the sake of like rehashing things and for

789
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 3: the sake of us wanting to be better parents. Like

790
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 3: that's one thing that Deval and I collectively agree, hon,

791
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,120
Speaker 3: is that burning desire to be good parents. And I'm

792
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:19,279
Speaker 3: sure you know, years from now our kids might have

793
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,439
Speaker 3: a podcast and talk about all the funck up shit

794
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 3: we did.

795
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,560
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I'm prepared, Okay, I am prepared for Jackson to

796
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 1: say to me because he's done it already with a

797
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:28,920
Speaker 1: you told me some things, and I've said this made

798
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 1: a fair way, and I've had to sit there.

799
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 2: And and just eat that, and you know what, You're right.

800
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 4: Very emotionally mature. But he's only twelve.

801
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: Imagine when he's twenty two, he's gonna be able to

802
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: pick me apart and be like Dad, when you said,

803
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 1: this is how it made me feel. I don't know

804
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:43,480
Speaker 1: why you did this, and I'm gonna have to sit

805
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,439
Speaker 1: back and be like, you know what, Yeah, you're right,

806
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 1: And now that you've pointed that out to me, I

807
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,799
Speaker 1: apologize for making you not apologize if you felt that way,

808
00:34:54,080 --> 00:35:00,080
Speaker 1: I apologize for making you feel that way. But this,

809
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,840
Speaker 1: this is why I did it in that time. I

810
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:03,840
Speaker 1: thought it was the right thing to do. It doesn't

811
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 1: excuse but I just want you to know there was

812
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:07,520
Speaker 1: no malicious intent.

813
00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 4: And that's how my father explained to me.

814
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 2: They're just trying to figure it out.

815
00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,640
Speaker 1: And that's what I realized, figure it out. Parents be

816
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:15,719
Speaker 1: trying to figure shit out.

817
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:17,320
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

818
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:17,719
Speaker 4: You know.

819
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: It's easy to sit back and retroactively say this is

820
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:21,520
Speaker 1: what you should have did.

821
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:22,640
Speaker 4: It's easy to do that.

822
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:23,360
Speaker 2: Oh for sure.

823
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 1: But now as a parent, I understand you know how

824
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,399
Speaker 1: it's important for us to do that in real time

825
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,239
Speaker 1: and also be prepared when our children do it to us.

826
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:30,960
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

827
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,240
Speaker 3: So as children start to develop their own capacity of empathy,

828
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,720
Speaker 3: making them feel guilty for simply being is something parents

829
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 3: should try to avoid as children develop these emotions, guilt

830
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,440
Speaker 3: is something they will naturally experience when their actions have

831
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:48,120
Speaker 3: a negative effect on others. Like we said, and making

832
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 3: your children feel guilty can work to stop behavior in

833
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:52,760
Speaker 3: the moment, but it can have a long term.

834
00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:54,320
Speaker 2: Effect on their emotional health.

835
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,680
Speaker 3: Yes, all right, y'all, let's take a quick break. We're

836
00:35:57,719 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 3: going to get into some listen letters and we'll be

837
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:11,919
Speaker 3: back right after these ads.

838
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 4: All right, guys, we're back.

839
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,120
Speaker 2: All right, listener letter time.

840
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:17,719
Speaker 4: Yeah, you wanna go first, baby, you want me to

841
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 4: handle it?

842
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:19,080
Speaker 2: You go first this time?

843
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:23,439
Speaker 4: Yes, man, All right, Hey, Kadeen and Duval. My name

844
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,439
Speaker 4: is Kayla South. Kayla. First off, I want to say

845
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 4: that I love y'all. He love you too.

846
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 1: I started watching y'all videos on YouTube when y'all were

847
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:31,360
Speaker 1: living in Brooklyn.

848
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,480
Speaker 4: Oh, it's a long time ago. Now.

849
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 1: I listened to the podcast on Apple Podcasts and I'm

850
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:38,120
Speaker 1: a member of the Patreon team Ellis Patreon.

851
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:38,920
Speaker 2: Gang Gang Gang Gang.

852
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 1: I'm currently reading We Over Me Too, We Over Me

853
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,919
Speaker 1: Gang I'm getting a lot of great advice. I really

854
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 1: do feel like y'all are family, and that's what's up.

855
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,480
Speaker 1: We appreciate you. So. I've been in a relationship with

856
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,040
Speaker 1: my boyfriend going on eight years. I am eight, I'm

857
00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:53,800
Speaker 1: twenty seven, and he is twenty six.

858
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 4: Cool girl. Sounds like us. We were high school sweethearts.

859
00:36:58,080 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 1: There you go, and he has been one of my

860
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: biggest porters and my best friend ever since. We have

861
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 1: been living together going on two years, and it's been

862
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: great here. Recently, we have been having a lot of

863
00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 1: discussion about our future, getting engaged, marriage, children, etc.

864
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:12,480
Speaker 4: That turns into a heated argument.

865
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,160
Speaker 1: I try to listen to my spouse, but once he

866
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 1: says something that I don't agree with or has a

867
00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,240
Speaker 1: type of tone in his voice, I get very upset

868
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:19,840
Speaker 1: and defensive.

869
00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 4: It sounds like you. Then after that you used to

870
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:23,720
Speaker 4: get very defensive.

871
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,240
Speaker 2: I did, Yeah, I was just making sure you clarifying.

872
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 2: We just sound like you. I didn't know if you

873
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 2: were talking about her home.

874
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:27,760
Speaker 4: Yeah.

875
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:30,200
Speaker 1: Then after that my mouth gets crazy and I do

876
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 1: start name calling. Yeah, I hate that I do that.

877
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:39,279
Speaker 1: In and after we stop talking, I do sincerely apologize

878
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,360
Speaker 1: to him, and he does too, but the solution is

879
00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 1: not established after all of the fussing. That sounds like

880
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 1: us too, That's what he was at that time. I

881
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 1: need advice on how not to get so defensive and angry.

882
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 1: Oh this is actually perfect, so I can stay calm

883
00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:53,839
Speaker 1: so that we can have a respectful conversation and come

884
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 1: to a peaceful arrangement.

885
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,520
Speaker 4: Thanks again, family, Love you guys.

886
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:00,520
Speaker 3: Wow. Yep, that was literally me, each girl, getting defensive

887
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 3: and upset over everything because one thing that I gonna do

888
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:06,319
Speaker 3: is have receipts in fact time stamps and like all

889
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,400
Speaker 3: of the things. And what I learned is that I

890
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 3: was not necessarily raised in a household where accountability was

891
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 3: a thing. And the minute I started to kind of

892
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,960
Speaker 3: sit back and take a look and actually listen to

893
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,000
Speaker 3: what he was saying and not necessarily how it was

894
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 3: said or how it made me feel, but just really

895
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,239
Speaker 3: isolating the fact of what he was saying in that

896
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 3: moment then taking accountability. If it was something that I

897
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:31,640
Speaker 3: indeed agreed with or he had a point with, then

898
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 3: it was easier for me as time progressed, to be like,

899
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 3: you know what, let me just listen to what he's saying.

900
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 3: Maybe he has a point here, and then if anything,

901
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 3: ask him how he felt about it or not, just

902
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,520
Speaker 3: trying to find a reason to explain why I felt

903
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 3: the way I felt, which is still something that I'm

904
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 3: working on. So I think accountability will go a long

905
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:57,279
Speaker 3: way in this situation, and it doesn't have to be

906
00:38:57,360 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 3: like a it doesn't have to be.

907
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 1: I think accountability goes a long way. But I also

908
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,920
Speaker 1: think an upset thing. I think it's not judging your

909
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 1: partner for how they feel. And a lot of times

910
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 1: we did that, not just you. We did that. For example,

911
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:15,440
Speaker 1: I remember telling you I felt a way about I

912
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 1: give an example, I felt the way you said something

913
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:21,799
Speaker 1: about bags. Your first thing was to defend what you

914
00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,279
Speaker 1: were saying rather than saying, bang, I didn't realize it

915
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,719
Speaker 1: affected you that way. It was deval. I said it

916
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:29,840
Speaker 1: like this, you shouldn't feel right. And my thing is,

917
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,480
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you that. I'm not telling you how

918
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,480
Speaker 1: I feel because I want you to talk me out

919
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 1: of how I feel. I'm telling you how I feel

920
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:38,440
Speaker 1: to express to you that it bothered me. And if

921
00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,600
Speaker 1: you're not even going to acknowledge that, we don't even

922
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,200
Speaker 1: have to have a conversation and that comes from Kadeen

923
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 1: not judging the fact that what she said made me

924
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: feel a way, but also not feeling the need to

925
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 1: always defend what you said my issues, like think about.

926
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 2: It to explain how we got there.

927
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I get what you're saying, to explain how you

928
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,120
Speaker 1: got there, But when I'm telling you how I feel,

929
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: explaining to me how you got there or why you

930
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:06,080
Speaker 1: got there doesn't change the fact that it made me

931
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 1: feel a way. So the immediate lack of acknowledgment to

932
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,799
Speaker 1: the fact that I feel a way is like, you

933
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 1: really don't even care how I feel. You just want

934
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:16,240
Speaker 1: to be sure that you explain how you feel.

935
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,800
Speaker 3: I recently had a conversation with someone, and I can't

936
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:23,240
Speaker 3: say who it is. I don't want to out this person. However,

937
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 3: it was a role reversal thing. And this is somebody

938
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 3: who you know, I take a liking to, and you know,

939
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 3: like this person, love this person, and you know, we're

940
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:38,880
Speaker 3: just listening to their scenario. And the person said, and

941
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 3: they were speaking about their significant other, she's been doing

942
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 3: X YV syself for so long blah blah blah blah blah.

943
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:49,440
Speaker 3: And I told her how I felt about it, and

944
00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:53,000
Speaker 3: instead of her just saying, Okay, I understand how you feel.

945
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:55,200
Speaker 3: She's giving me reasons as to why she did the

946
00:40:55,239 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 3: things she did and why she felt this way.

947
00:40:58,520 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 2: And I was like, oh shit.

948
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,719
Speaker 3: And because I've known this person for a long time

949
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 3: and I understand where they were coming from, I literally

950
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 3: thought about you and I.

951
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 4: You realized that could hurt.

952
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:14,200
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh shit, another moment, another revelation moment,

953
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,719
Speaker 3: because I wanted so desperately and to take that person's side,

954
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,400
Speaker 3: because I did understand like the person had valid points.

955
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,719
Speaker 3: But at the same time, I'm just like, wow, I

956
00:41:22,719 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 3: can't believe I was on the other side of it, being.

957
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:28,720
Speaker 4: The person because because you were listening to someone.

958
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 3: Someone else, Yes, someone else complained about the same exact

959
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,239
Speaker 3: thing that you said, you know what I'm saying. And

960
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 3: when they expressed to me how what this person said

961
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:40,560
Speaker 3: made them feel like, I don't care about your reasoning

962
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,439
Speaker 3: for getting here, I don't care about how we got there.

963
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 3: I just want you to know that this is how

964
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,120
Speaker 3: I feel. I'm not budgeting on how I feel. And

965
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:51,040
Speaker 3: you had more than enough time to do whatever you

966
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 3: were supposed to do, and you did it.

967
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 4: That's true.

968
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh shit, that's exactly what the

969
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,439
Speaker 3: val were trying to say to me, Like, don't don't

970
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:02,120
Speaker 3: give me the reasons, just acknowledge how I feel, and

971
00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 3: then how can we move past it?

972
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,880
Speaker 2: At that point? Light bulb moment.

973
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,280
Speaker 3: And it's crazy because the stuff that you talk about

974
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 3: often with your significant other, your spouse, and it's like

975
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:14,880
Speaker 3: getting a different perspective or hearing somebody else say it

976
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 3: sometimes just like it clicks, yeah.

977
00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:19,879
Speaker 1: Because you listen to the same voice all the time,

978
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,759
Speaker 1: and sometimes the minute that voice starts, you just like

979
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:22,880
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear this already.

980
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:27,240
Speaker 4: And this is the truth. I've learned this in debate class.

981
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 4: Name calling is an.

982
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:34,040
Speaker 1: Unintelligent way to let your part, let the other party

983
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,960
Speaker 1: know that they're lose their winning an argument a minute

984
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:44,040
Speaker 1: and yeah, so now what we were talking about doesn't matter,

985
00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:46,640
Speaker 1: but you just want to attack me personally.

986
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,080
Speaker 4: I definitely know I'm winning now.

987
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 1: It also shows that you haven't done enough research to

988
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: support your argument, and a lot of times that's what happens.

989
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 1: We talk all the time about men versus women. I

990
00:42:58,440 --> 00:42:59,960
Speaker 1: don't think it's a men versus women thing. I think

991
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,480
Speaker 1: is logical versus illogical.

992
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:02,319
Speaker 4: Right.

993
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 1: If you have two people having a debate, and one

994
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 1: person operates in a position of logic where they try

995
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,760
Speaker 1: their best to remove all feelings and the other person

996
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,840
Speaker 1: operates in a space of feelings where what they feel matters,

997
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:18,439
Speaker 1: it's important to both parties realize that both things can

998
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 1: be right and true at the same time.

999
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,239
Speaker 3: Or you can coexist because like, for example, when I

1000
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 3: think of you and I, I don't think it's a thing

1001
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 3: where it's a matter of logical versus emotional, because you're

1002
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:28,799
Speaker 3: super emotional and passionate about the way you feel, but

1003
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 3: also logical, right, And here I am thinking I'm logical.

1004
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 2: But I guess I'm just emotion No, I don't know.

1005
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:36,120
Speaker 2: I do try to be so logical.

1006
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,480
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is is like, even when in

1007
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 1: your space, you're in an emotional state, and while I'm

1008
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,680
Speaker 1: being in a logical state, I don't have to discredit

1009
00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 1: the fact that you feel a way in order to

1010
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:47,880
Speaker 1: prove that my logic is it is, you know what

1011
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,360
Speaker 1: I'm saying, And you don't have to discredit my logic

1012
00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 1: by name calling or saying something to prove that your

1013
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:55,239
Speaker 1: feelings matter. And I think people and arguments have to

1014
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: realize that that two things can be true at the

1015
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,280
Speaker 1: same time. If you put a six on the floor

1016
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 1: right from the top of the six is facing towards you,

1017
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:04,880
Speaker 1: in the bottom of the six is facing towards me.

1018
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,360
Speaker 4: To me, it looks like a six, but to you

1019
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,320
Speaker 4: from that perspective, it looks like a nine.

1020
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 2: And we're both right, and we're both right. It's a

1021
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,080
Speaker 2: name for that. Isn't it for two things to pose

1022
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:15,880
Speaker 2: this and be correct at the same time, to.

1023
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,040
Speaker 4: Be opposite or two things oppositely.

1024
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:22,239
Speaker 1: I know there's a divine dichotomy, which divine dichotomy means

1025
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: that two things can be the opposite but both remain

1026
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:25,440
Speaker 1: true at the same time.

1027
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,040
Speaker 4: And that's literally what it is.

1028
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 1: And I think that people need to understand that in

1029
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:31,479
Speaker 1: arguments when I sit down to discuss, because it doesn't

1030
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 1: have to be an argument before it gets to an argument.

1031
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:36,279
Speaker 1: When I sit down to discuss with my significant other

1032
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:38,319
Speaker 1: what our future is going to look like, the way

1033
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:39,359
Speaker 1: they feel.

1034
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:41,759
Speaker 4: And what I believe can both be true even if

1035
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,000
Speaker 4: they're not the same thing.

1036
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:45,200
Speaker 1: So what you have to do sometimes is step on

1037
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:47,560
Speaker 1: the other side of that argument, right, So it's like Okay,

1038
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:48,799
Speaker 1: I see a six over here.

1039
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:49,399
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

1040
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 4: Let me just let me just put my guard down

1041
00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 4: for a minute.

1042
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 2: Step one step over to your.

1043
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:55,960
Speaker 4: Perspective and let me see. Let me let me let

1044
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:56,960
Speaker 4: me know. You know what, I.

1045
00:44:56,920 --> 00:44:59,520
Speaker 2: See what you mean. See, I see how this could be.

1046
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:02,680
Speaker 1: But you know what we do to all we know,

1047
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: we defend our stance. So rather than even try to

1048
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,120
Speaker 1: work on the other side of the aisle to see

1049
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:11,520
Speaker 1: the perspective, I'm going to defend why my stance is

1050
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,239
Speaker 1: more important. When you start defending your stance, you're no

1051
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 1: longer talking about the discussion. You're defending a stance, not

1052
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:23,239
Speaker 1: defending the discussion. So now you're arguing about arguing as

1053
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:25,360
Speaker 1: opposed to coming up with a solution.

1054
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 4: And what Kadeen and I have.

1055
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,080
Speaker 1: Done recently is it said to each other, Look, look,

1056
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:32,480
Speaker 1: we're not gonna wait and waste time. We're going to

1057
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 1: discuss things in real time because we've noticed in real

1058
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:36,880
Speaker 1: time it's easier to get on the other.

1059
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,520
Speaker 2: Aisle because it's clarity clarity.

1060
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:41,560
Speaker 4: Right now.

1061
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 1: Let me see, that's a lot of times like hey,

1062
00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 1: well this is this is I have to give you

1063
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,799
Speaker 1: credit for this more often now that she's ever done

1064
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:55,360
Speaker 1: in our whole relationships. She'll say to me, how you're feeling,

1065
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,200
Speaker 1: I'm like about what you always hear you, like about

1066
00:45:59,239 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 1: what you'd be like, how you how you feeling, like,

1067
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:03,120
Speaker 1: how your heart has your head? How's everything going? And

1068
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:06,160
Speaker 1: what that does is it allows it opens the door

1069
00:46:06,200 --> 00:46:08,160
Speaker 1: for me to express to her how I feel.

1070
00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:10,759
Speaker 2: About anything randomly in that moment.

1071
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:13,560
Speaker 1: And I know that when she asked that question, what

1072
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:14,959
Speaker 1: I say now is not going.

1073
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 4: To lead to an argument. There's so many things.

1074
00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 1: When you're sitting you know you're feeling a way, you

1075
00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:20,960
Speaker 1: know you want to talk to your significant other. Wis

1076
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:22,839
Speaker 1: I don't want to bring this up because I don't

1077
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,120
Speaker 1: want to argue. But then when they open up that door,

1078
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:28,160
Speaker 1: it's like, since you asked, since you asked, I feel

1079
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,439
Speaker 1: a little bit. And then I watched her and she's like, oh, well,

1080
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:32,160
Speaker 1: I didn't know you felt that way. You know, I

1081
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:35,359
Speaker 1: apologize for making you feel that way. And once and

1082
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 1: once she says that apologize for making you feel that way,

1083
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,799
Speaker 1: as opposed to apologize if you felt if I made

1084
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,759
Speaker 1: you You know, you maybe don't say if when you

1085
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 1: put it if or a butt with an apology the

1086
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:47,200
Speaker 1: apology is now nulling voice.

1087
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 2: I didn't even think once she says.

1088
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:52,359
Speaker 3: Look, learning you a little bit more, even twenty two

1089
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 3: years and we still be revelations.

1090
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 1: But the minute you say, I apologize for this, and

1091
00:46:57,520 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: then you start to explain to me, now I've opened hearing.

1092
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: Oh so she at least understands why she's acknowledged why

1093
00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 1: let me let me understand why she said that or

1094
00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 1: did that. And then once she said why I did

1095
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 1: I said, okay, okay, I'll get it. I wouldn't have

1096
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:11,759
Speaker 1: done it that way back can see it.

1097
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:13,239
Speaker 4: Yeah. So I think that's what they need to do.

1098
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 1: They need to just stop judging each other and understanding

1099
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:17,960
Speaker 1: that an argument doesn't win. You don't win an argument

1100
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 1: by protecting your stance.

1101
00:47:19,239 --> 00:47:23,000
Speaker 3: Right all right on to our next one. Hey, y'all,

1102
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:24,760
Speaker 3: I got to say that your one of my favorite couples.

1103
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:27,360
Speaker 3: Your energy connecting to each other is something I admire

1104
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,359
Speaker 3: so much and I pray that I can have one

1105
00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 3: day thanks for that.

1106
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:32,160
Speaker 2: Here's my dilemma.

1107
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 3: I'm a thirty one year old single woman who's in

1108
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:38,800
Speaker 3: the military, currently stationed overseas, and I'm realizing how lonely

1109
00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:41,200
Speaker 3: I am. I've been married before, but was married at

1110
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:43,920
Speaker 3: a young age, and obviously it didn't work out. I'm

1111
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:46,840
Speaker 3: ready to try again and settle down. I'm an attractive girl.

1112
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:50,840
Speaker 3: I can definitely pull the guys in. I'm also a

1113
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:53,520
Speaker 3: seven bell meaning I got that.

1114
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:56,640
Speaker 4: But she said I could pull the guys.

1115
00:47:57,040 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 2: All right, girl, you better hype yourself up.

1116
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:01,719
Speaker 3: I got the cooking skill, I clean, I have manners,

1117
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:05,040
Speaker 3: the whole shebang. But when I talk to my guy friends,

1118
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,000
Speaker 3: they say I'm intimidating. I can be too much woman

1119
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:11,319
Speaker 3: or too independent. I don't understand that, guests. I have

1120
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:13,080
Speaker 3: a career, in my own car, my own house, the

1121
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:16,920
Speaker 3: benefits from the military, but that's just creating stability for myself.

1122
00:48:17,360 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 2: How can I be at fault for that?

1123
00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:21,080
Speaker 3: My guy friends will also say that guys want a

1124
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,239
Speaker 3: girl that they can take care of and build with.

1125
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 3: They say that I'm beyond that. I don't agree with this.

1126
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 3: Help me understand what they mean, because why a guy

1127
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:33,800
Speaker 3: wouldn't want someone who does who has done something for themselves,

1128
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:36,120
Speaker 3: or why wouldn't a guy want somebody who has things

1129
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:40,120
Speaker 3: going for themselves? Sincerely, a confused woman, PS, I definitely

1130
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:42,399
Speaker 3: got your book. Pray I can make your live show

1131
00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:45,040
Speaker 3: one day awesome. Thanks for this said, do you want

1132
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:47,799
Speaker 3: to answer from a guy perspective? Because yes, okay, yes,

1133
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:49,960
Speaker 3: because I know you have the guy chats, yes, the

1134
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:50,560
Speaker 3: group chats.

1135
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:52,440
Speaker 2: You have single men all that, so tell me how

1136
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:52,960
Speaker 2: they feeling.

1137
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,439
Speaker 1: If you're speaking to a man or men who says

1138
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:59,520
Speaker 1: you're intimidating by being yourself, then those are not the

1139
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:00,080
Speaker 1: men for you.

1140
00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:01,279
Speaker 4: You You have to.

1141
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:04,839
Speaker 1: Change your environment, you know those Now if she's projecting

1142
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:08,200
Speaker 1: that she's independent, because that is a thing now where

1143
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: women lead with I got my own job, I got

1144
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:11,799
Speaker 1: my own parent.

1145
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:15,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, I am the table, I am the catch right.

1146
00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 1: It's like, that's that's not what I'm looking for. You know,

1147
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,879
Speaker 1: you leading with your accomplishments. That's not what I'm looking for.

1148
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,160
Speaker 1: So some men may see your approach as intimidating, but

1149
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:26,280
Speaker 1: you being independent is not intimidating.

1150
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:27,160
Speaker 4: I'll give you an example.

1151
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:31,200
Speaker 1: One of the greatest things that I appreciated about Kadeen

1152
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:34,439
Speaker 1: when I met her was that she had a lot

1153
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 1: going on. And what I mean a lot going on. Yeah,

1154
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:39,120
Speaker 1: she had to ask and she can cook and she

1155
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:42,240
Speaker 1: did all of that stuff. But she was a pageant winner.

1156
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,040
Speaker 1: She was interested in graduating magna cum laude. She had

1157
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 1: her own career. When I talked about myself, she talked

1158
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:49,399
Speaker 1: about her own stuff, She.

1159
00:49:49,400 --> 00:49:50,120
Speaker 4: Had her own car.

1160
00:49:51,040 --> 00:49:53,000
Speaker 1: Her mom made it very, very clear that you were

1161
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 1: not interested in finding someone to take care of you.

1162
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:58,760
Speaker 1: So those are all things that men would have traditionally said. Now,

1163
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:01,000
Speaker 1: based on the men she's talking to me, that's intimidating,

1164
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:02,480
Speaker 1: But for me I was.

1165
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,359
Speaker 4: I saw it as somebody I can build with.

1166
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:08,120
Speaker 1: So my message to her would be, stop listening to

1167
00:50:08,200 --> 00:50:10,600
Speaker 1: the men that are saying you're too intimidating and find

1168
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:14,759
Speaker 1: the man who is not intimidated by being yourself. Also

1169
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:18,520
Speaker 1: have some self reflection and say, am I projecting my

1170
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:22,000
Speaker 1: independence in a way that can be off putting? And

1171
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:24,120
Speaker 1: if you can, yeah, if you can honestly say no,

1172
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:27,160
Speaker 1: I'm not, I'm just being me, then fuck what they're saying.

1173
00:50:27,239 --> 00:50:27,800
Speaker 2: That's a fact.

1174
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:31,319
Speaker 1: Don't don't play the damsel and distress thing don't work

1175
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:35,400
Speaker 1: because trying to fake take me movement, either to pick

1176
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:37,759
Speaker 1: me don't work work neither. You have to be who

1177
00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:41,120
Speaker 1: you are and your soul will be in alignment with

1178
00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:44,319
Speaker 1: the soul who was looking exactly for you. You see

1179
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:47,920
Speaker 1: what I'm saying for you and have to conform to

1180
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:52,480
Speaker 1: anybody's idea of what womanhood looks like to find your match.

1181
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:53,160
Speaker 2: That was my thing.

1182
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:55,400
Speaker 3: Think about the energy that you're putting out and that

1183
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:58,440
Speaker 3: you're displaying, because you can be a little off putting

1184
00:50:58,520 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 3: if you're coming across as somebody who just does not

1185
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:02,920
Speaker 3: need a man for anything kind of you know, like

1186
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:06,200
Speaker 3: we've we've met women like men, even no one like that.

1187
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:07,560
Speaker 2: That's just that I could do about myself.

1188
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:11,080
Speaker 3: But if you desire a relationship, if you desire to

1189
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:13,800
Speaker 3: be someone's wife one day, I don't think there's anything

1190
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:16,640
Speaker 3: wrong with being able to meet somebody and letting them

1191
00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:18,040
Speaker 3: see that you have everything together.

1192
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 2: I know we know some men.

1193
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:21,960
Speaker 3: That are looking for a woman like you, absolutely that

1194
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:24,120
Speaker 3: has all these things going for herself. But why not

1195
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:27,560
Speaker 3: meet someone who's equally yoked that you can then get

1196
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:29,200
Speaker 3: together and build with.

1197
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:30,320
Speaker 4: I'm glad you brought that.

1198
00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:33,439
Speaker 2: Not everybody wants to be taken care of in that sense.

1199
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up because you and I

1200
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,000
Speaker 1: and Crystal talk about this all the time. Because she

1201
00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:42,000
Speaker 1: is a woman who has a lot, who's done a

1202
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:46,960
Speaker 1: lotself own her own house, ye, own home, owns other properties.

1203
00:51:46,560 --> 00:51:49,279
Speaker 2: Right, and doesn't need a man to do anything for her.

1204
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:50,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, makes a lot of money.

1205
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:52,319
Speaker 1: And she asked me all the time, like, you know,

1206
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:55,920
Speaker 1: I think I'm just too intimidating for men. I said, no,

1207
00:51:56,719 --> 00:52:00,239
Speaker 1: you're intimidating for the man type of me. Can't you

1208
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:02,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. That type of man who sees

1209
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:04,799
Speaker 1: that is intimidating. Yes, but that's not the man you

1210
00:52:04,840 --> 00:52:08,560
Speaker 1: wanted anyway, because in the recent past, those type of

1211
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:12,000
Speaker 1: men that she dated have often let her down because

1212
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 1: she tried to kind of dumb herself down and try

1213
00:52:14,239 --> 00:52:16,279
Speaker 1: to do that and it didn't work for her or him,

1214
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:18,399
Speaker 1: which is just proof in the pudding, right.

1215
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:19,719
Speaker 3: You don't want to have to not use this as

1216
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:23,040
Speaker 3: your full true self and totality, because you have to

1217
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:25,439
Speaker 3: dim your light to be able to make somebody else

1218
00:52:25,520 --> 00:52:26,400
Speaker 3: shine or catch on.

1219
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,480
Speaker 4: And you know, Crystal, she's not the type that projects

1220
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,080
Speaker 4: I don't need a man, not at all.

1221
00:52:32,400 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 7: She's very, very warm, literatur Absolutely, she's willing to be

1222
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:40,359
Speaker 7: and I know people hate this term, but willing to be.

1223
00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:42,600
Speaker 4: Oh, you know what, I'll use that term rather than

1224
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:43,279
Speaker 4: the other s one.

1225
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,560
Speaker 1: Ok So I was gonna say, she's willing to be submissive,

1226
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:48,040
Speaker 1: and she found a man who was willing.

1227
00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 2: To submis perfect right, because many hate to hear that.

1228
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,439
Speaker 1: But she is willing to live in her soft life

1229
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,560
Speaker 1: error and wants to and she wants to. Yeah so,

1230
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:00,439
Speaker 1: And our message always to her is like, stop trying

1231
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 1: to change who you are, be who you are and

1232
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:05,680
Speaker 1: let the person who God has designed for y'all. Because

1233
00:53:05,680 --> 00:53:08,120
Speaker 1: here's the truth of y'all. People ask me all the

1234
00:53:08,120 --> 00:53:09,839
Speaker 1: time that what do you do to dean to do this?

1235
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 1: And I said, the prayer tell you, God delivered this

1236
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:17,919
Speaker 1: woman in my life at a time when I did

1237
00:53:17,960 --> 00:53:20,280
Speaker 1: not know I was looking for I weren't.

1238
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:22,160
Speaker 2: I wasn't looking for you.

1239
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:27,400
Speaker 1: We neither one of us went into college talking about lockdown.

1240
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:30,160
Speaker 4: If no, I was about to be a whole hole,

1241
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 4: a whole me too.

1242
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:34,680
Speaker 2: As damn it.

1243
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:37,040
Speaker 7: He was about to hold I been about to hold.

1244
00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:39,920
Speaker 7: You can't hold baby, I can't hold. No, you can't right,

1245
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:40,600
Speaker 7: that's you.

1246
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 5: You can't myself because I'm so jealous the thought of

1247
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:47,839
Speaker 5: you hoing in college, know, the.

1248
00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:50,440
Speaker 4: Thought of you ohing hypothetically.

1249
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:55,160
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the fact that you was been at

1250
00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 1: nineteen thinking about you hold with somebody else that's got

1251
00:53:57,719 --> 00:54:00,239
Speaker 1: me mad, Like I'm mad, I retract that state that

1252
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:02,480
Speaker 1: I know it's probably the same for you too.

1253
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, but just to say we weren't looking for that

1254
00:54:04,360 --> 00:54:06,640
Speaker 2: and then look laps.

1255
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:11,960
Speaker 1: Un working on yourself. God will put you in path

1256
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:13,120
Speaker 1: with what is right.

1257
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:15,480
Speaker 2: For you, your patience.

1258
00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:18,560
Speaker 1: And be aware, right, don't what you're looking for you

1259
00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:21,319
Speaker 1: may not know is right there. And if you keep

1260
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:24,239
Speaker 1: blocking your blessings by doing other stuff because you think

1261
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:26,160
Speaker 1: you can tell God how your life is gonna go,

1262
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,080
Speaker 1: and you're gonna end up being.

1263
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:30,560
Speaker 2: Stuck, stuck so looking stupid.

1264
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:33,839
Speaker 4: I wouldn't change I wouldn't change nothing life.

1265
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:35,319
Speaker 2: No, girl, keep doing your thing.

1266
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:38,319
Speaker 3: The person that is meant for you will find you

1267
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 3: and meet you at your worth.

1268
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:42,359
Speaker 4: Forgot what?

1269
00:54:44,040 --> 00:54:47,040
Speaker 1: Remember we were talking to Tiffany, Okay, Tiffany's now with

1270
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:50,319
Speaker 1: AKA and she was talking about how all of these

1271
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:55,000
Speaker 1: women who are now akas are super super successful women

1272
00:54:55,440 --> 00:54:58,680
Speaker 1: and later on in life they found their guy after

1273
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 1: chasing after the guy they thought was going to give

1274
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,480
Speaker 1: them what they wanted. But now they've settled into who

1275
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:06,920
Speaker 1: they are and they say, fuck it, I'm gonna be

1276
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:07,960
Speaker 1: who I am, and they.

1277
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:09,440
Speaker 4: Found the dumb messa.

1278
00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 1: It's not intimidated by their success or their career of their.

1279
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:15,279
Speaker 2: Degree, but see somebody that they can build with.

1280
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:16,080
Speaker 4: You see what I'm saying.

1281
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:17,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, the reason why I wanted to bring that up

1282
00:55:17,600 --> 00:55:19,480
Speaker 1: is because Tifity made that a point, like you look

1283
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 1: at all of these women that she's now so roars with,

1284
00:55:21,520 --> 00:55:24,680
Speaker 1: and she's like, they're all super successful, making seven figures,

1285
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:27,000
Speaker 1: have their careers, have their kids. They said they had

1286
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:30,120
Speaker 1: their practice husband because they when they got married young,

1287
00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:31,920
Speaker 1: they thought they knew what they were looking at at

1288
00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:34,600
Speaker 1: a young age. But now they're old and they're like, nah,

1289
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:37,600
Speaker 1: I get it. So sometimes I feel, especially with these questions,

1290
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:38,600
Speaker 1: they're in their twenties.

1291
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:40,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're just trying to figure things out. Thirty one

1292
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:42,279
Speaker 3: years old, single woman, Like.

1293
00:55:42,239 --> 00:55:44,280
Speaker 4: Girl, you young, right, I don't know what's different.

1294
00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,400
Speaker 2: Probably thinking about that clock and that timeline. I know

1295
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:50,440
Speaker 2: you are, girls, I know you are, Yeah, I know

1296
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:50,879
Speaker 2: you are.

1297
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:51,600
Speaker 4: All right.

1298
00:55:51,680 --> 00:55:54,359
Speaker 3: Y'all keep writing into us. We love to hear from you.

1299
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,400
Speaker 3: If you want to be featured as a listener letter,

1300
00:55:56,719 --> 00:55:59,080
Speaker 3: be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at

1301
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:00,000
Speaker 3: gmail dot com.

1302
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:02,360
Speaker 4: That's d E. A. D A S. S A D

1303
00:56:02,520 --> 00:56:04,960
Speaker 4: V I C. E at gmail dot com.

1304
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:06,319
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time.

1305
00:56:06,360 --> 00:56:10,360
Speaker 3: We're talking about sacrificing as parents, the effects of having

1306
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:13,719
Speaker 3: parents who then in turn kind of let you know

1307
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:16,319
Speaker 3: about the sacrifice a couple times over and over again,

1308
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,279
Speaker 3: to the point where it builds up guilt or resentment.

1309
00:56:20,120 --> 00:56:21,200
Speaker 2: What's your moment of truth today?

1310
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:23,560
Speaker 4: Baby? My moment of truth is simple. It's a little wordy,

1311
00:56:23,640 --> 00:56:26,000
Speaker 4: but it's some words have power.

1312
00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:29,960
Speaker 1: Guilting your children using the word sacrifice is not going

1313
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:33,640
Speaker 1: to teach them how to sacrifice. You have to empower

1314
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:37,080
Speaker 1: them to realize their own sacrifices and teach them to

1315
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,480
Speaker 1: use their own sacrifices as reason as to why they

1316
00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:40,320
Speaker 1: need to keep going.

1317
00:56:41,239 --> 00:56:43,359
Speaker 3: So pretty much flipping it on them and saying it's

1318
00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:45,520
Speaker 3: up to you. You sacrificed to sacrifice.

1319
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:46,160
Speaker 4: Would you stop?

1320
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:48,600
Speaker 1: Rather than saying to your kids, look at all the

1321
00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:51,080
Speaker 1: time I spent, Jackson, Look at all the time you

1322
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:53,239
Speaker 1: spent for the last so and so months working on this.

1323
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:54,399
Speaker 4: Why would you give up? Now?

1324
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:56,320
Speaker 1: Think about all of the days that you didn't go

1325
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:58,160
Speaker 1: to your friend's house to play this, and you didn't

1326
00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:00,279
Speaker 1: go here because you were focusing on practicing.

1327
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:04,120
Speaker 4: Don't you think you owe yourself? Yeah, the ability to

1328
00:57:04,239 --> 00:57:05,879
Speaker 4: keep going and not for nothing.

1329
00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:07,879
Speaker 1: When I do say stuff like that to Jackson, he'd

1330
00:57:07,920 --> 00:57:09,680
Speaker 1: be like, you're right because I put mat.

1331
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:09,920
Speaker 4: I was in.

1332
00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:12,080
Speaker 1: I'm like you did with man, I was in right

1333
00:57:12,160 --> 00:57:15,000
Speaker 1: since you put I in, like keep going going, He's like,

1334
00:57:15,200 --> 00:57:17,920
Speaker 1: respect the process and say yes, trust it and respect it.

1335
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:18,840
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes.

1336
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:20,520
Speaker 3: I guess my moment in truth time, since I thought

1337
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:23,240
Speaker 3: about this and how I started talking about the effects

1338
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,680
Speaker 3: of like my mom and the wording that she used

1339
00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:27,520
Speaker 3: with me growing up, and how that really made me

1340
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:30,880
Speaker 3: feel confined and scared to kind of, for lack of

1341
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,600
Speaker 3: a better term, spread my wings and fly because I

1342
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:36,880
Speaker 3: was so worried about disappointing her because of the sacrifices

1343
00:57:36,920 --> 00:57:39,760
Speaker 3: being made. I also just want us to encourage I

1344
00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:42,240
Speaker 3: want to encourage you all, especially our generation, to give

1345
00:57:42,240 --> 00:57:44,800
Speaker 3: our parents a little bit of grace because they really

1346
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:47,520
Speaker 3: were doing the best that they could. And I can't

1347
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:50,200
Speaker 3: speak for everyone's parents, but for mine particularly and then

1348
00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:52,840
Speaker 3: yours knowing them for the past twenty two years, they

1349
00:57:52,880 --> 00:57:54,880
Speaker 3: did the best that they could.

1350
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:55,960
Speaker 2: They did a damn good job.

1351
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:58,360
Speaker 3: Because we're sitting here today who we are because of

1352
00:57:58,400 --> 00:58:01,520
Speaker 3: them and at the time understood the lessons. We may

1353
00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:03,840
Speaker 3: not have understood the wording or the delivery might have

1354
00:58:03,920 --> 00:58:06,560
Speaker 3: fallen flat, but it was all for a greater purpose.

1355
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:09,640
Speaker 3: So let's continue to rally around and support and love

1356
00:58:09,640 --> 00:58:13,720
Speaker 3: on our parents who have indeed worked really, really hard

1357
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:17,320
Speaker 3: to give us the life that they felt that we deserved.

1358
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:19,400
Speaker 2: So shout out to shout out to.

1359
00:58:19,440 --> 00:58:22,440
Speaker 3: My mom and my dad and to Soup and Ma

1360
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:27,120
Speaker 3: Yes for being awesome, awesome parents and of course elite grandparents.

1361
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:30,080
Speaker 2: We love y'all so much. All right, y'all be sure

1362
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:31,520
Speaker 2: to follow us on Patreon.

1363
00:58:31,760 --> 00:58:34,600
Speaker 3: You can find us there for exclusive dead Ass podcast

1364
00:58:34,760 --> 00:58:37,120
Speaker 3: video content that after show we popping is the best

1365
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:39,480
Speaker 3: part y'all have said it, we know we love it,

1366
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:41,920
Speaker 3: and you can find more Ellis Family content there as well.

1367
00:58:42,120 --> 00:58:44,800
Speaker 3: You can find us on social media also dead Ass

1368
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:46,840
Speaker 3: the Podcast and I'm Kadeen, I.

1369
00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:49,000
Speaker 1: Am and I am Devo And if you're listening on

1370
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,880
Speaker 1: Apple podcasts, be sure to wait, review and subscribe and

1371
00:58:52,920 --> 00:58:54,840
Speaker 1: make sure you get your content. We over meet the

1372
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:57,800
Speaker 1: counter intuitive approach you getting everything you want out of

1373
00:58:57,800 --> 00:58:58,360
Speaker 1: your relationship.

1374
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:01,480
Speaker 3: Yes, help us make it to one hundred thousand copies

1375
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:01,959
Speaker 3: and more.

1376
00:59:02,520 --> 00:59:03,400
Speaker 2: Love y'all.

1377
00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:09,880
Speaker 1: Gott dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast network

1378
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:13,520
Speaker 1: and its produced by Donorapinya and Triple. Follow the podcast

1379
00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:16,240
Speaker 1: on social media at dead ass the Podcast and never

1380
00:59:16,280 --> 00:59:16,960
Speaker 1: miss a Thing.