1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:09,040 Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome 2 00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. I've been talking to doctor 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,720 Speaker 1: Maria Sophocles about midlife and menopause, not about the symptoms 4 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:18,800 Speaker 1: we usually hear about or talk about, the hot flashes, 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:24,120 Speaker 1: the mood swings, but how our bodies react to sex, desire, 6 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: and pleasure. I've asked doctor Maria to give us some 7 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: hot tips for jumping back into the bedroom. So let's 8 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:35,160 Speaker 1: get into it all right, let's talk about talking about 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 1: sex with our partner. One of the first things you 10 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 1: can do when you want to improve the state of 11 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: your sex life is deciding to communicate, which is easier 12 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,640 Speaker 1: said than done. So what are the first steps to 13 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: communicating when you've had some weeks or maybe months without 14 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: sex in your relationship. 15 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the first thing, just like acknowledging a 16 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 2: drinking problem or a food addiction or whatever it is, 17 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 2: is to say there is a problem here, me rolling 18 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,800 Speaker 2: over and just pretending I'm enjoying my book is not 19 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 2: okay and acknowledging it to yourself and then figuring out 20 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,640 Speaker 2: how you're going to start that first conversation. And you know, 21 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna. I don't. I don't. I won't do 22 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 2: the whole book, but I think some little giveaways are important. 23 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 2: I think having that first conversation for some people is 24 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 2: easier in a car or on a walk because you're 25 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,919 Speaker 2: actually looking forward. It's a little like the therapist couch. 26 00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 2: You're not like looking at each other's eyes and being 27 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 2: the awkward what kind of eye roll or something. 28 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:38,480 Speaker 1: That is so expressive that it's a good idea to 29 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,440 Speaker 1: not be able to stay my face when you're talking 30 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: to me. 31 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 2: I mean, everybody is to do us best for them, 32 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 2: but I am guilty of sharing with my husband my 33 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:49,520 Speaker 2: judgment through my face, which is not always good. It 34 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,480 Speaker 2: does not give the it's not polite. So I've learned 35 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 2: that for us, the walks are the best. We have 36 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 2: a beautiful walk in nature. We live in Princeton, New Jersey, 37 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 2: and it's justrgeous and we walk forward and that's where 38 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 2: we have our you know, sexual check ins or any 39 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 2: tough conversations you know that we have to have. 40 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:09,800 Speaker 1: That's a great tip. 41 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 2: The other thing is, really, as I mentioned before, to 42 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 2: frame it in a positive way. A lot of what 43 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 2: I talk about in the book is sort of being 44 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 2: mindful and practicing basic mindfulness for yourself alone to get 45 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,920 Speaker 2: your head ready for sex or even just for sleep. 46 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 2: But I think you could incorporate some of that when 47 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 2: you prepare and think about how you're going to talk, 48 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 2: meaning do it in a non judgmental way and really 49 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,880 Speaker 2: be there. Don't have your cell phone like you're talking 50 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 2: but you're actually scrolling. I mean, nothing says this is 51 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 2: not important to me better than having your cell phone 52 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 2: in your hand, right, and for that matter, keep it 53 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 2: out of the bedroom. You know, thirty five percent of 54 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 2: Americans check their cell phone right after sex. Like, come on, guys, 55 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 2: Like what kind of message does that give? And what 56 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 2: text could possibly be worth giving your partner that message? 57 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,079 Speaker 2: For so right, and if you still keep it in 58 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 2: your bedroom, even take a baby step and move the 59 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 2: charging to like the other side of the bedroom or 60 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 2: down like I have mine down the steps and in 61 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 2: a little hallway. It's less convenient, it's a pain, but 62 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,519 Speaker 2: it's a message to my husband that I care enough 63 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 2: about him that I don't want it there, and it 64 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 2: sort of made him do the same, you know, And 65 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 2: I think getting our bedroom physically in a space keep 66 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 2: it cool. You don't want it too hot so you 67 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 2: sleep better. Don't pile it with bills, tax stuff, laundry, kid, 68 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: no lacrosse sticks. Like the bedroom should be a private place, 69 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 2: and your problems, whatever they are, the laundry or whatever. 70 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 2: If you have the luxury, it should be outside that room, 71 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 2: one hundred per yes, And then the talk should be 72 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 2: non judgmental. 73 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: Give me one sentence, like what's the opening sentence. 74 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 2: The opening sentence would be, you know. So, I know 75 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 2: we haven't had any intimate life for a while, and 76 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 2: I know that a lot of that has to do 77 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,480 Speaker 2: with me, and I've had a lot of stress. I've 78 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 2: had a lot of anxiety about my weight, or my 79 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 2: mom's illness, or the fact that our son dropped out 80 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:20,720 Speaker 2: of college or whatever. But I feel like I'm never 81 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,320 Speaker 2: going to get back there unless we can talk about it. 82 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 2: And I need you to know that I think my body's changing, 83 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,480 Speaker 2: and I am going to see my doctor, but I 84 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 2: don't have an appointment for two months. But I wonder 85 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 2: if in the meantime we could just try some cuddling. 86 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 2: Like I tell here's an aside. I give my patients homework, 87 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 2: and I say, every Friday, for thirty minutes, share a 88 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 2: big oversized chair and just cuddle and giggle and no 89 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 2: phones and no talking politics or taxes or anything difficult, 90 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 2: and just remember what it was like when you were 91 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:54,279 Speaker 2: giggly and flirty, and just remember the humor and remember 92 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,719 Speaker 2: just even touching cheeks and necks and g or PG 93 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 2: rated parts and just start like that. And so I 94 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 2: think if you're doing that opening talk and you can 95 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,719 Speaker 2: reframe it as not I know you did enough sex 96 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 2: and you probably want to, but I'm really stressed out, 97 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,119 Speaker 2: that doesn't go anywhere because they're going to be like, yeah, 98 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 2: I really wish we did, and that doesn't help you. 99 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: But you could reframe and lead the conversation to something 100 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,520 Speaker 2: you do think would be mutually positive, and if they 101 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,599 Speaker 2: hopefully are evolved enough to meet you there, then you begin. 102 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 2: They can't climb a mountain until you drag some stones 103 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,719 Speaker 2: up the hill, right, you can't move a mountain. Someone said, 104 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 2: So I think you start like that, and or you 105 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,719 Speaker 2: start with a compliment. You know when we went to 106 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 2: the mountains and I loved it when you did this 107 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 2: or that. But something about acknowledging that you are aware, 108 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 2: because they all think there's a silent treatment right, and 109 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,839 Speaker 2: I think it's okay, and it's okay to take some 110 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 2: of the blame. There shouldn't be any blame at all, 111 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,600 Speaker 2: but take some for the team and say because hopefully 112 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 2: they'll be like, hey, it's me too. You know, I 113 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,640 Speaker 2: just thought you're mad at me or something, and you 114 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 2: use that as an immediate example of you know, some 115 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 2: things I am kind of mad about. I'm kind of 116 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 2: mad that you blah blah blah. But you know, I 117 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,360 Speaker 2: realize now that that isn't the biggest deal and our 118 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 2: fifteen year marriage is actually much more important to me. 119 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,560 Speaker 2: So whatever the potential negative is, instead of launching down 120 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: that rabbit hole, you can pivot it towards forgiveness or understanding. Man, 121 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 2: will they feel good? Yeah? 122 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: Absolutely changes the dynamic. 123 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 2: So I role play with a lot of I'm licensed 124 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 2: in like eleven states, so often my patients and I 125 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,840 Speaker 2: just have virtual meetings like this and we role play, 126 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 2: and it's really helpful. 127 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very helpful to sort of hear it out 128 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: loud because we play it over in our head. Now 129 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 1: we think it's going to go, and then sometimes it 130 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 1: just doesn't come out that way. 131 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 2: And it's better to practice let's say in the mirror 132 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 2: or with me, and then hear yourself slip into judgment 133 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 2: or finger pointing and go, wait, that is not because 134 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,600 Speaker 2: that may be kind of what you're feeling, whether it 135 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,599 Speaker 2: was an affair or a who knows, they wreck the 136 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 2: car and you just can't forgive them. I don't know. 137 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 2: People get pissy about stuff that shouldn't interfere because remember 138 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: we talked about the benefits of intimacy, and you just 139 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,960 Speaker 2: got to remember because once people have sex again, they're like, 140 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 2: oh my god, this is so great. Why we do this? 141 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: We do this times, we do this more often, and. 142 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,960 Speaker 2: Sometimes you know it. It's as simple as well, your 143 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaker 2: new job makes you stay up really late, and that 144 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 2: was when i used to like to have sex. So 145 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 2: now I'm into this Netflix thing and it just killed it. 146 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 2: And maybe either you decide you're going to initiate and 147 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 2: have sex in the morning, which is a kind of 148 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 2: fun surprise, or you say I have an idea, let's 149 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 2: one night a week, make sure all work stops by x, 150 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 2: you know, a thirty PM. And even if we don't 151 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 2: go to bed till ten thirty. We got to get 152 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 2: all that out of our heads. Even if we do 153 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 2: just sort of cleaning up or play a game or something, 154 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,640 Speaker 2: and then at ten thirty that night we're going to 155 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 2: get in bed, not exhaust And even if we only cuddle, 156 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,120 Speaker 2: that would make me so happy, Like you can make 157 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 2: a baby step that isn't crazy. 158 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, what does your partner need to know about your 159 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: changing body? 160 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:22,440 Speaker 2: That it's inevitable, but that hopefully, I mean, at least 161 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 2: my patients, we work on their body changing in a 162 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 2: positive way. We work on higher approachein intake, lower carbs, 163 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 2: strength training, because menopausal weight gain is a bitch and 164 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:38,079 Speaker 2: it's really self esteem killing, and yet it is really improvable, 165 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 2: it truly is. So I work with my patients a 166 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 2: lot on that. But you know, wrinkles are not just 167 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 2: from sun exposure. There are again no estrogen collagen changes. 168 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 2: Breast sagging is an actual human, real thing and maybe 169 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 2: not in LA but in the rest of ours. And 170 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,800 Speaker 2: that honestly, when you really ask most men, I mean 171 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,600 Speaker 2: other than the super super superficial asshole men, they really 172 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,959 Speaker 2: love your body at any age or stage. I mean, 173 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 2: they're so pumped to be having sex, like they don't 174 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:12,440 Speaker 2: even care. 175 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 1: You think they carerue it's so true, because whatever's going 176 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 1: on in my head is definitely not going on in 177 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: his oath. No, and you think it is. Our parents 178 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: are so strong and powerful that I do think whatever 179 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: we're thinking, they're thinking. But it's oftentimes not even in 180 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: their gas. 181 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 2: Wildest it's five hundred and fiftieth on their thing. And 182 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,439 Speaker 2: I'll tell you a really funny study from like thirty 183 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,720 Speaker 2: years ago. They did a study on women who weighed 184 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 2: I'm not kidding, four hundred pounds, so not like a 185 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,840 Speaker 2: little overweight, not like la in her thoughts, and they 186 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 2: haven't had their work done yet, like massive, massively overweight. 187 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 2: And they interviewed the sexual partners and they question they asked, 188 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 2: was does her weight bother you or inhibit your interest 189 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,200 Speaker 2: in her sexually? And one hundred percent of the men 190 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 2: said something to the effect of, I don't understand the question, 191 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 2: or what are you talking about? Like not one of 192 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,240 Speaker 2: the guys said that, like every guy, they were just 193 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 2: happy to be having sex. So if they're happy with 194 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 2: four hundred pounds, believe me, they're okay with your one 195 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 2: thirty two. 196 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 1: With your menobelly, with your meno belly. 197 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 2: However, if things are dry and painful and you're wincing 198 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,319 Speaker 2: or you're bleeding or you're crying, and I hear this 199 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 2: a it recks their game. But much more importantly, you're 200 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,839 Speaker 2: going to start dreading it and you're going to start 201 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 2: hoping for anything else. So get thee to a doctor, 202 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 2: because it's really fixable. I mean, that's like, I can't 203 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 2: say that over and over again enough because I just 204 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 2: it's a not necessary way to impart relationship wrecking stuff. 205 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,480 Speaker 2: And they want you to be have pleasure, they really do, 206 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 2: and they want you to enjoy it, and they do care. 207 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:58,840 Speaker 2: I mean every man. I've interviewed men literally all over 208 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 2: the globe about this. It is universal, even the assholes 209 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 2: who think there's so much eismo you'd think they wouldn't care. 210 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 2: It's a reflection on them. So they want you to Yeah, 211 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 2: you know, they want you to have fun. 212 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: They do, they do. They want to have fun too. 213 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: You talk about some causes for low sexual desire, and 214 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,680 Speaker 1: I want to make sure my listeners know what these 215 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 1: are so we can start naming them and sort of 216 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 1: debunking them and asking more questions. So I'm going to 217 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 1: mention the cause and you tell me why we may 218 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,319 Speaker 1: be having that issue. Okay, go pain. Sexual pain either. 219 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,440 Speaker 2: Because of GSM, that's the number one. Number two if 220 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,040 Speaker 2: fits with deep penetration from endometriosis that you might have 221 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,199 Speaker 2: or might not have it diagnosed, or scarring if you 222 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,719 Speaker 2: had surgery see sections or topic pregnancy. Sexual pain can 223 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 2: be from something called vulvodinia, this obscure pain of the 224 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 2: vulva that gets poorly diagnosed. So if you can't figure 225 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,680 Speaker 2: it out, you need to see a volvodinia specialist. And 226 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 2: there's something called the NVA National Volvdinia Association. I think 227 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 2: you should type that out. Is going to be able 228 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 2: to like that's, you know, really a hard word, but 229 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 2: it is a cause for pain. It's like unexplained pain. 230 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,280 Speaker 2: Other pain is usually people who've had surgery or radiation 231 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 2: down there, or they they have arthritis and their hips hurt, 232 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 2: you know, and stuff like that. 233 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:19,319 Speaker 1: Yep, Okay, So sex ed is there not enough out 234 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 1: there or we're getting the wrong kinds? 235 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 2: Well, we need adult sex head for you and I 236 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 2: and our peeps. I mean, we talked about the teens 237 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,280 Speaker 2: and young adults needing new sex d that's got to 238 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,560 Speaker 2: come from state level change. And as I said, forty 239 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 2: seven states are doing it wrong. So that's just where 240 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 2: a D minus minus in America. But Adult Sex said, 241 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 2: I'm going to be creating either a substack or I'm 242 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 2: going to create a course for adult sex head. So 243 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 2: people like like you can log in and have eight 244 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,440 Speaker 2: lessons and it can be for your partner and it 245 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,560 Speaker 2: can be about all these things in the book and 246 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,319 Speaker 2: then they can watch it over and over. And I 247 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 2: think that'll be really helpful because nobody does that for 248 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 2: us now. No one tells about menopause, perimenopause, papal sex, now, 249 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 2: orgasm changes. Yeah, you know the fact that your clerics 250 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,720 Speaker 2: actually shrinks, Like who tells you that? 251 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: No? Yeah, I've read that my claris is the size 252 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: of a penis. 253 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,800 Speaker 2: It is, so the outer part is like the tip 254 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,439 Speaker 2: of an iceberg, this teeny little bit, but there's an 255 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,359 Speaker 2: entire inside part to the organ which wasn't even discovered 256 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 2: until like the last couple decades. Duh, But we've known 257 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 2: about the penis anatomy for what thousands of years? It's enormous. Yeah, 258 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 2: it's like four inches, So we have every bit as 259 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 2: much as Amanda's ours is just inside. 260 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,439 Speaker 1: Yes, how about depression? 261 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 2: Depression is an enormous. We call it a comorbidity. Depressed 262 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 2: people have a hard time finding joy and sex, and 263 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:52,000 Speaker 2: people with sexual dysfunction like a rectil dysfunction or vaginal dryness, 264 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 2: have a lot of depression. If you have underlying depression, uh, 265 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 2: you know, I'm not saying everybody's treatable, but certain treating 266 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:03,679 Speaker 2: it is a great way to also see sexual issues 267 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,240 Speaker 2: as cup half full, not half empty. So depressions very 268 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 2: linked to sexual function. 269 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 1: Yeah. Stress, we all have stress in our lives. Why 270 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,760 Speaker 1: does it make low sexual desire worse in midlife? 271 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,000 Speaker 2: Because you can't clear your head when you're stressed. You 272 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 2: can't be there now. I have a baseball cap I 273 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 2: wear that just says be here now, and you cannot 274 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 2: do that in the bedroom if you have stress. Most 275 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 2: women cannot. They have this on loop. You know, the job, 276 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 2: the kid, or I can't get out of my money problems, 277 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 2: whatever it is. And so I would say, unfortunately, you've 278 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 2: got to work on cleaning up the stress, and sometimes 279 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 2: just practicing mindfulness based meditation can do that. There's a 280 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:51,560 Speaker 2: woman named Lori Brato l r I Brotto. She runs 281 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 2: a mindfulness based sex therapy course that uses mindfulness to 282 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 2: help clear your head so you can have better sex. 283 00:14:59,440 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 2: Pretty cool. 284 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 1: Interesting, Yes, what about body image? We kind of talked 285 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 1: about that before. 286 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, if you if you look in the mirror 287 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,800 Speaker 2: and all you see is moles and cellulate and scars, 288 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,200 Speaker 2: you're going to bring that and you're going to spectator, 289 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 2: meaning you're going to be watching all your ugliness in bed. 290 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 2: That is a death now forget it. You're just going 291 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 2: to never, never be fully present to be able to 292 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,160 Speaker 2: enjoy the pleasure that your partner hopefully is trying to 293 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,480 Speaker 2: give you. And how do we How do we change that? Yeah, 294 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,560 Speaker 2: we change that by by loving the body we have, 295 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 2: the knowing that no, we don't have a twenty five 296 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 2: year old body and we never will again, but that 297 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,680 Speaker 2: our body in some ways is more liberated. That we're 298 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 2: not as judgmental about our body as a twenty five 299 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: year old. Believe it or not, breast sagging or wrinkles 300 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,520 Speaker 2: or cellulat or whatever it is. Believe it or not, 301 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 2: most of us embrace and understand age better than a 302 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 2: twenty five year old and say, my body's okay. It's 303 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 2: actually the twenty five year olds that really stress about 304 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 2: how they look in a bikini and whatever. 305 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's such a wasted feeling. It's such 306 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: a waste of time, you know, Jenny. 307 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 2: I spend every summer in Greece, and all the women 308 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 2: in Greece wear bikinis. Nobody wears one pieces. So I've 309 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,920 Speaker 2: been going for twenty three years. So I wear a 310 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 2: bikini and I'm fit. I weigh what I were weighed 311 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 2: in high school. But I have a fifty nine year 312 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,960 Speaker 2: old body. But I'm comfortable in it because all the 313 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 2: other women on the islands are comfortable in their bodies 314 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 2: at sixty seventy eighty. So I think some of it 315 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,280 Speaker 2: is the environment, and if you're in a toxic environment, 316 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 2: just just find the freedom to say this is me, 317 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 2: and I kind of love who I am. It's really hard. 318 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 2: It's hard in this country, for sure. 319 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 1: I love to look in the mirror. I don't love it, 320 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 1: but I do. I do this. I look in the 321 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 1: mirror and I look at my body and I'm naked, 322 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: and I think, Wow, look where, Look how far you've come. 323 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: Look at all that you've done, Look at those scars, 324 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 1: Like I really take that moment to appreciate this body 325 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,880 Speaker 1: that's lived all of these years with me and how 326 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: well it's holding together. 327 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 2: You are amazing. I mean, you need to go on 328 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 2: book tour with me, like that's what I want women 329 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,400 Speaker 2: to articulate and feel. But it's hard. 330 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: What about one more attention or lack of attention? 331 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I mean, so we know, by the way, 332 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 2: so ADD has become an epidemic. Right when you and 333 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,440 Speaker 2: I were kids, nobody even had it, and then as 334 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,159 Speaker 2: we grew it became a diagnosis, and then there were 335 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,360 Speaker 2: meds for it, which meant then there were even more 336 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 2: prescriptions and more people getting diagnosed. And now we understand 337 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 2: actually that perimenopause and menopause affect ADD negatively. They enhance it, 338 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 2: they make it worse. So a lot of women in 339 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 2: perimenopause and menopause with or without ADD have attention issues. 340 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 2: They have trouble finishing an email before they go to 341 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 2: the next one. And we live in a society where 342 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 2: we have so many different screens and so many different 343 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,200 Speaker 2: inputs that it actually just makes all that worse. So 344 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 2: it's very common to climb into bed with one hundred 345 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,040 Speaker 2: things on our brain and at least two screens. So 346 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:13,560 Speaker 2: you have to Yeah, you have to actively push the 347 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,720 Speaker 2: screens away, limit the screen time. And I'm being a hypocrite. 348 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 1: I am guilty of guilty. 349 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,760 Speaker 2: Of having trouble focusing on attention, you know, focusing my attention. 350 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,960 Speaker 2: But when I do in life, I'm more productive, and 351 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:31,479 Speaker 2: when I do in the bedroom, I have more pleasure. 352 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 2: And so I just you know, I'm speaking at just 353 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,440 Speaker 2: end of one. I know that when I can, and 354 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,480 Speaker 2: that's where that Lori Brodo mindfulness course might be a 355 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 2: really cool thing for listeners to look into, because if 356 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 2: you can practice mind the definition of mindfulness is sort 357 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 2: of being in the present moment without judgment or without 358 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 2: really distraction and deriving what you need to derive from 359 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,400 Speaker 2: that moment. So if you apply it to sex, it's 360 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:02,240 Speaker 2: pretty powerful. Or even just listening, you know. 361 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,440 Speaker 1: Just reading the book and talking to you. It reaffirms 362 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: the importance of the relationship, the health of the relationship, 363 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,520 Speaker 1: not just the relationship, but the sex are sex life like, 364 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: it really makes you sort of hmm. This is something 365 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 1: I actually need to put back on the top of 366 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 1: my priority list. 367 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 2: Because it's literally all the effort and money and time 368 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:32,960 Speaker 2: we put into sleep, sleep nutrition, movement. Personal trainers biohacking supplements. 369 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 2: You can do all of that, and I'm not saying don't, 370 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,639 Speaker 2: but if you let sex become low priority, it can 371 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 2: have really profound effects on self esteem, on the relationship, 372 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 2: and I would argue on your health ultimately. You know, 373 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,160 Speaker 2: there's something called sex span, which is just how long 374 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:56,680 Speaker 2: we stay sexually vibrant, and sex span actually relates to 375 00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,160 Speaker 2: health span, so I actually view it as almost it's 376 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,920 Speaker 2: a fifth pillar of longevity after sleep, nutrition, movement, and 377 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,359 Speaker 2: social connectivity, all of which are critical, of course, and 378 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 2: we don't need a lot of fancy toys or money 379 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 2: to do that. We need sort of intentionality. I mean, 380 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 2: it's sort of like people say I don't have time 381 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 2: to exercise. Those are actually the people that should put 382 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,240 Speaker 2: in their calendar before their first Zoom meeting thirty minutes 383 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,760 Speaker 2: of walking or weightlifting, whatever it is they're going to do, 384 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 2: and just make it a time slot. And some of 385 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 2: my patients we actually have to like have them schedule sex. 386 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,920 Speaker 2: I know that sounds really unsexy and not spontaneous, but 387 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 2: I have to ask them to do it because they're 388 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 2: convinced that their lives are too busy and their jobs 389 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 2: are just too important. And my kids, I can't miss 390 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 2: a single soccer game, and they put all these barriers 391 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,880 Speaker 2: and then they collapse exhausted. And then when we get 392 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 2: them to force it, you know, they're like, oh my god, 393 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 2: it's so great. I just want to do it on 394 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 2: my own now. So sometimes we have to kind of 395 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 2: schedule it. I know that doesn't sound great. 396 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: But no, it's true. It's important. We got to get 397 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: it on the calendar. 398 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 2: We do have to. You make it a date night 399 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 2: if you have to use say we're gonna have a 400 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:11,680 Speaker 2: date night once a month, and we're gonna actually go 401 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,960 Speaker 2: to an airbnb or a hotel or something thirty minutes away. 402 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,160 Speaker 1: You don't have to go to you know, you don't 403 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: have to get on a plane, right. 404 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 2: You don't have to. I mean, I love travel, but 405 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 2: I've learned that some of the most wonderful moments with 406 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,959 Speaker 2: my husband were just simple moments where we were somewhere 407 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,879 Speaker 2: very regular, but we made time for each other and 408 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 2: just spoke honestly or had time together. And you know, 409 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 2: I mean, the fabulous places are fabulous, and that's great, 410 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 2: but really it's it's the human connectivity. And you hit 411 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 2: the nail on the head with intimacy. You really did 412 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:46,960 Speaker 2: define it. 413 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:47,399 Speaker 1: You know. 414 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 2: If you can define that in your relationship and foster that, 415 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,920 Speaker 2: the rest is icing on a cake. 416 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: My goodness. Well, thank you so much for your time 417 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,480 Speaker 1: today and all of your words of wisdom. I'm really 418 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: taking the all to heart and giving it a little 419 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 1: bit more airtime in my mind, as I really do 420 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,920 Speaker 1: think it deserves, and that's because of you and your book. 421 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,679 Speaker 1: So thank you, Jenny. 422 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 2: It's been so lovely and you had so many really 423 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 2: insightful comments and questions. I feel so excited that you're 424 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,360 Speaker 2: behind it, and I hope your listeners will will enjoy 425 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 2: it and read it. And I truly often people read 426 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,160 Speaker 2: it and then they say, I think there's a whole 427 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 2: other level. So I think this is very much part 428 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,159 Speaker 2: of I Choose Me. When I read about you and 429 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,159 Speaker 2: this podcast, I was like, oh my god, this is 430 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,560 Speaker 2: what I want women like you know, So I'm really excited. 431 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,760 Speaker 2: I hope I hope you'll continue with I Choose Me. 432 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 2: It's so important. 433 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,399 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, doctor Maria. These are 434 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,440 Speaker 1: such important and new conversations that we should all be 435 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,359 Speaker 1: having and for sure passing on to our kids today. 436 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 1: So they're not hearing about all of this for the 437 00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,800 Speaker 1: first time as they go through it. Thank you so 438 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,359 Speaker 1: for your time and for your work. Your fantastic book, 439 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 1: The Bedroom Gap is available now wherever books are sold. 440 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,160 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Doctor Maria. Be well, 441 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:10,920 Speaker 1: bye bye