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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. Hello, my friend. Hello. I

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Speaker 1: just was saying to you, I don't really want to

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Speaker 1: talk at all before we just got on the zoom

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Speaker 1: and I said, I don't want to talk very much

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Speaker 1: because I just want this to be conversational like we

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Speaker 1: did the last time. I got so much feedback from

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Speaker 1: people that it was just one of the most honest

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Speaker 1: and raw conversations that I've ever put out, and that

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Speaker 1: was seemingly very appreciated by people, because sometimes I think

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Speaker 1: we all put on our performance mode. And in fact,

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Speaker 1: before I did got on this call with you, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm working on my outline, and of course I want

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Speaker 1: to be prepared for every podcast, but um, you asked

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Speaker 1: for an extra ten minutes, and I was like, yes, perfect,

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Speaker 1: because I can work more on my outline. And I

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Speaker 1: realized that I was doing exactly the old behaviors that

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Speaker 1: got me into the place of needing to pause. And

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Speaker 1: so instead of working more on the out line and

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Speaker 1: trying to over prepare and make sure I said exactly

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Speaker 1: the right thing, I stopped and meditated and asked my

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Speaker 1: higher power to actually take over everything I was saying,

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Speaker 1: because um, my ego is already trying to get in

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Speaker 1: the way of how this podcast goes. You know, I'm

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Speaker 1: putting so much pressure on I need this to be

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Speaker 1: exactly the right thing and say exactly the right things

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Speaker 1: so that I can help other people. And even in

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Speaker 1: trying to help other people, I'm still trying to run

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Speaker 1: the show, which is exactly what got me to the

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Speaker 1: place of needing to pause. But you would never have

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Speaker 1: recognized that in real time before that's exactly right, right,

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Speaker 1: You would have just beat yourself up for it later

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Speaker 1: Like later you would have been like, oh, why did

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Speaker 1: I try to control the situation? Why did I handle

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Speaker 1: it that way? And so you would have just like

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Speaker 1: abused yourself in addition to already abusing yourself. By engaging

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Speaker 1: in that behavior, you would have made yourself suffered twice. Yes,

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Speaker 1: you caught it in real time, and instead of maybe

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Speaker 1: for a moment you felt guilty about it, but more

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Speaker 1: than that, you felt empowered to do something about it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and that's it. And I think you know, I love

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Speaker 1: that you just said the word change actually because that

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Speaker 1: kind of goes into what I was about to say

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Speaker 1: is I did take a pause, and I took two

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Speaker 1: months off of working on anything Velvet's Edge related, so

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Speaker 1: I still had you know, I have a team of

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Speaker 1: people that work with me that are amazing, and I

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Speaker 1: was I'm so incredibly grateful for resources. That was another

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Speaker 1: thing I realized was, Oh my gosh, it's it is

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Speaker 1: true what they say we all have to ask for

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Speaker 1: help where we need it, and you really do think

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Speaker 1: that you're, um, maybe a little more needed or important

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Speaker 1: than maybe we all actually are. You know, like I

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Speaker 1: did realize not to downplay what I bring to Velvet's Edge,

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Speaker 1: but I did realize there's a lot of things that

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Speaker 1: I could let go of and they still happen and

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Speaker 1: they still flowed. And that's because I have an amazing

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Speaker 1: team of people who can take over when I need it.

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Speaker 1: And that was so helpful and relieving to just realize,

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Speaker 1: like I don't have to have my hand in every

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Speaker 1: single piece of this stuff that I want to do

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Speaker 1: and it can still happen. My point was is that

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Speaker 1: I took two months off, and I think actual change

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Speaker 1: probably takes longer to settle into, like a real habit

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Speaker 1: than a short amount of time like that you know,

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Speaker 1: like that was helpful, and like you said, I did

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Speaker 1: notice quickly, Oh I'm doing that thing again, and just

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Speaker 1: now I can notice it a little bit more or

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Speaker 1: stop myself or say it out loud. But I don't

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Speaker 1: know that things have fully become habits yet. And so

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Speaker 1: I want to start this podcast by just saying I'm

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Speaker 1: not sitting here trying to say I have this all

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Speaker 1: figured out. I am trying to talk openly about things

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Speaker 1: that are really uncomfortable and um and hard to say

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Speaker 1: and hard to admit. And I feel like for some reason,

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Speaker 1: I've been given this microphone in this position, and I

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Speaker 1: am in a place where I feel okay to talk

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Speaker 1: about some uncomfortable things, and so I just want to

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Speaker 1: do that. And if if something can use my voice

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Speaker 1: to help someone else, great, If no one gets anything

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Speaker 1: out of this, great I will so. But I do

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Speaker 1: want to just say I am still working on change fully.

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Speaker 1: But the first step is always awareness. And so there

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Speaker 1: was so much awareness that happened during the pause for me,

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Speaker 1: and that's still happening even as we speak right now. Um,

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Speaker 1: one of the first things that I noticed, and I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you've experienced this anytime that you've put

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Speaker 1: out I'm taking a pause from Fred and Fred and

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Speaker 1: far but people we're very um positive, like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I so support this. I was getting d m s

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Speaker 1: left and right from people saying they were also feeling

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Speaker 1: the need to do this, but I actually said it

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Speaker 1: out loud, so it kind of gave them this space

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Speaker 1: of feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm not alone, you know,

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Speaker 1: and or they had been going through major burnout. I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of people really just are right now. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I got that, and I got loan up on

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Speaker 1: my phone from people I haven't heard from in years,

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Speaker 1: just being like are you okay? Like people were highly

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Speaker 1: concerned about my level of sanity I would say, or um,

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Speaker 1: my well being, because I actually stopped and said publicly

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't okay. And it was shocking to me

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Speaker 1: how scary that was for other people to experience, my honesty.

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Speaker 1: Have you experienced that? It's uncomfortable for people? You know,

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Speaker 1: Like we go around asking people all day long, oh, hi,

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Speaker 1: how are you and everyone's like, oh, I'm great, I'm fine,

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Speaker 1: I'm okay. Um. Have you ever heard someone be like

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Speaker 1: I'm not okay? Like imagine a stranger or someone you

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Speaker 1: asked something like at the grocery store, how are you today,

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Speaker 1: and they're like, not good. It's incredibly jarring because our

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Speaker 1: culture is so preconditioned to like operate at the surface

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Speaker 1: and keep everyone in this like very happy, go lucky,

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Speaker 1: not make let's not make anyone uncomfortab bole place. Um.

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Speaker 1: And it's incredibly brave to puncture that with truth, right,

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Speaker 1: let the hair out of the balloon, and be like, no,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm not good today. It has happened

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Speaker 1: to me where I think people sometimes assume that like,

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Speaker 1: if you're anything less than okay, then you must be

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Speaker 1: free falling, that you've lost your grip on reality, and

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Speaker 1: even more so when you're publicly expressing it to not

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Speaker 1: just your friends and family, but to the entire world. Um.

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Speaker 1: I think there is a certain level of like discomfort

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Speaker 1: with that. But I will say more than that, Like you,

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Speaker 1: I am always met with the most incredible support. The

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Speaker 1: more real I am, the more I speak from my

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Speaker 1: truest place, which is an always dark and negative. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's like profoundly joyful. The more you speak from that place,

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Speaker 1: the more people are gonna, oh, hi, mom, than cue

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Speaker 1: so I just a side note, like talk about truth.

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Speaker 1: Like I work out of a room in my parents house. Um.

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Speaker 1: I think people look at me and they're like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, Like she has this business and she's an

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Speaker 1: author and she's all these things. No, I like live,

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Speaker 1: I work rent free out of her room at my

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Speaker 1: parents house. Um. But that's another layer of it, right,

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Speaker 1: Like I just shared that publicly. Some of that it's crazy,

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Speaker 1: like why am I puncturing my perceived perfection and letting

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Speaker 1: you guys know that, Like, no, we're all struggling, like

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Speaker 1: we all are asking for help. Um. It's all about

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Speaker 1: just showing up in whatever moment you're in. And what

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Speaker 1: I was trying to say before is sometimes what I

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Speaker 1: share are these deeply authentic highs. They're from my deepest joy,

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Speaker 1: not from my ego joy, but from like my I

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Speaker 1: am so alive in this moment joy and people love

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Speaker 1: that too. Um. And I've just found that the more

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Speaker 1: authentic I am, and the more tapped in I am

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Speaker 1: to whatever it's actually going on with me, the more

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Speaker 1: people are willing to do the same in their own lives.

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Speaker 1: And then it's like we all lift each other up

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Speaker 1: because we're actually being honest instead of trying to be perfect.

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Speaker 1: That is so true. I used the word brave when

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh, it's so brave to put it out there,

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Speaker 1: and I agree with you. I think that it is,

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Speaker 1: especially now that I don't think I even thought through

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Speaker 1: what I was doing. I was just sort of like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: here I am. I'm so desperate to actually just speak

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Speaker 1: out loud and say the truth, and I didn't actually

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Speaker 1: have control of it. It took me over and um.

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Speaker 1: Something in my life that I've really kind of bumped

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Speaker 1: up against over and over and over, and specifically within

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Speaker 1: the last you know, I would say five years, is

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Speaker 1: that I came to this world as like the feeling ist,

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Speaker 1: feeler kind of person that there is, you know, like

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Speaker 1: if anyone's into astrology, I'm a cancer your sun sign

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Speaker 1: Pisces moon. Like I can't avoid feelings as much as

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Speaker 1: I would like to try, like the rest of the

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Speaker 1: world and medicate them away and all this stuff, like

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Speaker 1: they just will keep coming up for me. And so

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Speaker 1: during the pause, finally got to the place of like, hey,

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Speaker 1: you can't change who you are. This is literally your wiring.

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Speaker 1: You were born into this world this way, and so

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Speaker 1: you can either accept it about yourself and learn to

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Speaker 1: live in that truth and even maybe you know it

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Speaker 1: can be used for something and if I can accept it,

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Speaker 1: or I can keep trying to fight against it and

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Speaker 1: living in this false reality of who I am and

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Speaker 1: continue to have breakdowns and meltdowns or burn out because

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Speaker 1: I'm not living in my truth. But I thought it

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Speaker 1: was interesting what you said about, you know, people asking

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Speaker 1: even how you are in a day. I thought about

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Speaker 1: that because I'm so conditioned to even to even answer

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Speaker 1: what I'm fine, and you know, like, um, we're so

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Speaker 1: conditioned to judge our success by how we're doing, you know,

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Speaker 1: like I have such an attachment to what my success

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Speaker 1: means about how I am and who I am, and

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Speaker 1: I want to get into that a little bit later.

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Speaker 1: But none of that is actually the indicator of anything

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Speaker 1: that's happening inside of any of us or who we

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Speaker 1: are as people. And so it's so it's such an

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Speaker 1: injustice in our society. I think, to keep living that

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Speaker 1: way of just going through the motions and not saying

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Speaker 1: the truth, or only letting ourselves be comfortable with certain

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Speaker 1: perspectives of what being okay looks like. Like my best

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Speaker 1: friend actually showed up at my house when I was

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Speaker 1: having that nervous breakdown was what I keep calling it.

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Speaker 1: But that day that I was talked about in the

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Speaker 1: last podcast and she told me, you know, I thought

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Speaker 1: that was like the bottom for me. I thought, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, I'm losing my fucking mind, to be honest, like,

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Speaker 1: I'm just literally sitting in my backyard burning Palo Santo,

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Speaker 1: like trying to calm myself down, um crying. My neighbors

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Speaker 1: probably think I'm insane, just sitting there staring at this

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Speaker 1: huge oak tree I have in my backyard. And she

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Speaker 1: came in and I was just like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: look at me, like I can't what is wrong with me?

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Speaker 1: I can't keep it together. And she said, Kelly, this

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Speaker 1: is actually the best I have felt about you in

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Speaker 1: the last three years, because you're finally stopping. There's not

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Speaker 1: something you're trying to do to make this all okay.

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Speaker 1: You're finally just like, yeah, I'm not okay. And there's

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Speaker 1: a list of reasons why I could say, you know,

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Speaker 1: oh I'm not okay, or this is hard, or this

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Speaker 1: has been traumatizing or painful, but those things actually don't

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Speaker 1: matter as much as me giving myself the grace to

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Speaker 1: be like I am not okay, And for that reason,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop trying to make myself okay, and I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna pay attention to what I'm feeling that it's the

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Speaker 1: paying attention. I am convinced that we're getting signal all

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Speaker 1: the time, Like our bodies talked to us, our minds

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Speaker 1: talked to us. We're getting all this information all the

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Speaker 1: time about how our system is operating, and most of

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Speaker 1: the time we just ignore it, or we deal it,

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Speaker 1: or we distract ourselves from it. We drink our way

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Speaker 1: through it, you know, like we busy ourselves through it.

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Speaker 1: We scroll through the internet to avoid it. We we

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Speaker 1: work really hard. We we do all these things, and

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day, like it's such as

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Speaker 1: you said, an injustice, because we have all the information

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Speaker 1: we need, we just need to create face and hear

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Speaker 1: it and then from there actually do something with that information.

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Speaker 1: Like for me, I was getting up every morning and

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Speaker 1: my hips were cracking, like every day I would come

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Speaker 1: to get out of bed. I'm like not even forty yet,

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Speaker 1: and like it was, it was a symphony of cracks,

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Speaker 1: and I just ignored it. Okay, whatever I'm you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting older, Like this is totally normal. It was

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Speaker 1: not normal. You know. Later I found out, like a

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Speaker 1: few months later that I had an autoimmune disorder. And

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Speaker 1: one of the things that happens is you get inflammation,

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Speaker 1: and when inflammation happens, you get joint problems. So what

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Speaker 1: did I do. I like cut two things from my diet,

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden I'd wake up in the

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Speaker 1: morning and my joints would stop cracking. I mean, like

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Speaker 1: talk about an oral signal, like there was a literal

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Speaker 1: sound coming out of my body trying to get my attention.

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Speaker 1: And for at least a year a year, and I

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Speaker 1: was just like whatever, it's normal. It was not normal. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's it is why I was just listening to you

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Speaker 1: talk thinking about all the things that I've done like that.

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Speaker 1: It is wild to me. Um. You know, I talked

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Speaker 1: openly about like having anxiety. Let but like my therapist

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Speaker 1: as always said to me, Um, you know, your anxiety

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Speaker 1: is talking to you. So this isn't this thing if

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Speaker 1: we want to medicate the anxiety way, yeah, we don't

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Speaker 1: want to live in that space and feel that all

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Speaker 1: the time. But what is it saying like that is

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Speaker 1: the question. Just like you're saying your body was literally

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Speaker 1: communicating with you, and you're like, I'm just almost forty

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is in all of the ways that

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Speaker 1: we just keep adding one more thing to the list,

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Speaker 1: or one more drink, one more pill, one more whatever

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Speaker 1: it is. I mean, I am guilty of all of

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Speaker 1: those things. One more job that I'm going to take,

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Speaker 1: one more um beauty treatment, I'm gonna do whatever it

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Speaker 1: is that's gonna make me feel a little more in

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Speaker 1: control of all the internal things that I'm feeling that

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Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with because I feel like I need to

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Speaker 1: perform in society the same way I see everyone else

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Speaker 1: doing on Instagram, which is comparing your insides with someone

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Speaker 1: else's outsides. And we have no idea what's happening in

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Speaker 1: people's lives ever. Really don't think I told you. I'm

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Speaker 1: like in a room at my parents are right. I'm

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Speaker 1: so glad you said that, though. I love that because

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Speaker 1: it's people glamor as owning a business all the time,

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Speaker 1: and it's like sometimes you're in the trenches to the trenches,

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Speaker 1: but you know what, Like, sometimes it's about recognizing that

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Speaker 1: what your needs are may not be picture perfect. So

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Speaker 1: like for me, I could if I wanted to afford

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Speaker 1: to go rent a box somewhere, right, But like, I'm

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Speaker 1: incredibly close to my family. I get to have lunch

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Speaker 1: with my mom when I'm working out of my office.

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Speaker 1: She brings me tea with like Persian rock crystals in it,

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Speaker 1: and then in the afternoon, my kids school is five

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Speaker 1: minutes away. I mean, it is not the glamorous choice,

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Speaker 1: but it's the choice that serves my deepest needs of

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Speaker 1: the human being. And imagine if we made our decisions

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Speaker 1: from that place of like what I actually need as

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Speaker 1: a human even if it doesn't look pretty or sound pretty,

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Speaker 1: or you know, like Forbes isn't gonna come to an

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Speaker 1: article about my office, you know, like I don't have

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Speaker 1: a stunning view, um, although I do. She has an

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Speaker 1: amazing garden. So you know, at some point we should

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Speaker 1: do one of these podcasts outside so I can show, yes,

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Speaker 1: but where are we making our decisions from. You know,

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Speaker 1: for the longest time, I did have a really amazing

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Speaker 1: office in Culver City, which is like, you know, a

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Speaker 1: glamorous part of Los Angeles, and it was big, and

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Speaker 1: I had a lot of desks in there, and I

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Speaker 1: had a couch in there, and I had these beautiful windows,

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Speaker 1: and I had a team of people who were working

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Speaker 1: for me. But do you know what the truth of

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Speaker 1: it was, I was fucking miserable there because too far

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Speaker 1: away from my kids. I constantly felt pressure to be

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Speaker 1: there because I felt like if I wasn't there, my

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Speaker 1: staff wouldn't think I'm committed to the business us and

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Speaker 1: like would not be productive there. So I felt like

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Speaker 1: I had to be there to show up for them,

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Speaker 1: And I was working myself to death to try to

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Speaker 1: set a good example to get my staff to work

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Speaker 1: themselves to death. I mean, like, this was obviously funny.

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Speaker 1: You just said that we're a good example about trying

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Speaker 1: to work yourself to death. Right. That's programming, right, That's

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Speaker 1: what we're supposed we think we're supposed to do. Now

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Speaker 1: it's so different. Like I have someone who works for me.

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Speaker 1: She comes once a week. The rest of the time,

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Speaker 1: I don't pay any attention. She knows what she needs

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Speaker 1: to do, she's an adult, she's really talented, and we

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Speaker 1: have great communication. But that I'm not like trying to

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Speaker 1: micromanage all of her work in an effort to like

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Speaker 1: extract the most control out of the situation as possible.

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Speaker 1: And that's like, probably one of the biggest gifts I've

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Speaker 1: given myself in terms of my mental health is relinquishing

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Speaker 1: this need for perfect control over every situation, every person

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Speaker 1: in my life because that used to be what made

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Speaker 1: me feel safe. And I've been thinking about it a lot,

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Speaker 1: and it's like I wrote about this at one point,

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Speaker 1: where yes, control creates a cage, right, it puts everything

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Speaker 1: in a very secure, tight box, But it also puts

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Speaker 1: you in a box. So like, who wants to live

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Speaker 1: in a cage? And yes, I know exactly where the

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Speaker 1: boundaries are, I know exactly what goes in, what goes out,

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Speaker 1: I know where the key is, but there's no freedom

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Speaker 1: in that for me or for anyone else. And who

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Speaker 1: wants to be caged when they can actually be free

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Speaker 1: and make everyone around them feel free as well? Um,

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Speaker 1: So like that's my struggle, like not demanding perfection, not

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Speaker 1: pursuing control, and not making myself feel like ship whenever

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Speaker 1: I make a decision, because God knows to this day,

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Speaker 1: every time I go to the nail salon, I spend

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Speaker 1: twenty minutes to pick a color, and the minute they

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Speaker 1: put it on, I instantly feel like I made a mistake.

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Speaker 1: And that's like the smallest little example of how my

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Speaker 1: brain operates. I always find a way, always, always, my

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Speaker 1: natural inclination is as soon as I choose to feel

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Speaker 1: like what I did was wrong, And that is the

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Speaker 1: narrative I'm now working to reshape, because what a way

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Speaker 1: to live right to feel like a perpetual failure, even

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Speaker 1: though with every passing year, I know that the work

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Speaker 1: I'm doing is making a greater impact. I know that

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Speaker 1: I'm getting to know myself on a deeper level. I

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Speaker 1: know that I live with integrity. How could anyone feel

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Speaker 1: bad all the time when they're doing so much? I

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Speaker 1: know for you it's probably the same, Like you're probably

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Speaker 1: doing more than you did one year ago, five years ago,

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Speaker 1: ten years ago, in terms of like doing work that

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Speaker 1: you think actually counts for something, and yet two months

357
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,159
Speaker 1: ago you needed to burn it all down because you

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Speaker 1: weren't able to enjoy any of it. It's so true,

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Speaker 1: And I mean, I want to touch on the control piece,

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Speaker 1: but I want to hit that first. I think that

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Speaker 1: what's been really uncomfortable for me, if I'm being really

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Speaker 1: honest with myself, and with everyone else listening. Is when

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Speaker 1: I started Velvet's Edge, I was already I was in

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Speaker 1: a bad place actually when I started it, which is

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Speaker 1: a funny thing to think about now, Um, but I

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Speaker 1: started it, and it became this this thing that I

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Speaker 1: just didn't expect, and I truly didn't realize my tie

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Speaker 1: and my attachment to the validation that I was receiving

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Speaker 1: from that because as I said, when I started it,

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Speaker 1: I was kind of broken down in my life already.

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Speaker 1: I had gone through a really I had canceled a wedding,

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Speaker 1: you know, I had gone through a really bad public

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Speaker 1: breakup that was probably the most human aliating thing I've

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Speaker 1: ever experienced, well until the last couple of years, about

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Speaker 1: a couple more so, obviously the universe is like, hey,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna go ahead and do this again because you

377
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,240
Speaker 1: didn't quite get at the first time. Um, But at

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00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,679
Speaker 1: that time it was definitely the most humiliating, and I

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Speaker 1: just did not feel good about myself, and so the

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00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,199
Speaker 1: tie to the validation that I was getting externally and

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Speaker 1: outside of myself, um really felt good. And so then

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Speaker 1: it did. And then it just kind of like became

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Speaker 1: this thing that I just it was this hamster wheel

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Speaker 1: that I just got on without realizing it. And the

385
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,119
Speaker 1: more that I got, the more that I needed, and

386
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,919
Speaker 1: then were the faster I needed to run on that

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Speaker 1: wheel to keep it all going. And then before you

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00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,440
Speaker 1: know it, you're you know, I was living my life

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Speaker 1: and thinking to myself, Oh, I'm just gonna I'm a

390
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,439
Speaker 1: yes person. I'm a person that's like open to life.

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Speaker 1: You know, I don't want to shut down any opportunities

392
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,200
Speaker 1: the universe is bringing my way, So I'm going to

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Speaker 1: operate from a place of yes. And all that that

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00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 1: did for me ultimately when I really was thinking about

395
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: that during the pause, was lead me to the greatest

396
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,960
Speaker 1: self abandonment of my life. I got to the place

397
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,199
Speaker 1: where I was saying yes to so many things that

398
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,480
Speaker 1: were not truly in line with what I'm supposed to

399
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 1: be doing here. Um, who I am or any of

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00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 1: the skill set or tools that I've been given like

401
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,800
Speaker 1: to be used, you know, like I'm literally living in

402
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,360
Speaker 1: this world. Let's use the reality TV example. Like, I'm

403
00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:31,560
Speaker 1: not a reality TV star. I don't like drama or

404
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,840
Speaker 1: fighting or actually really like gossiping about people. I don't

405
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 1: want to do that ship but I like got the

406
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 1: opportunity offered to me. I listened to someone who I

407
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,359
Speaker 1: learned I couldn't trust later, but I just wanted to

408
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,240
Speaker 1: like be like, okay, well here I am universe, Like

409
00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:50,960
Speaker 1: I remember watching you. I mean, this is this is

410
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,560
Speaker 1: this is what you know is connected to me. So

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00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,480
Speaker 1: I will speaking one little piece. You remember when you

412
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,800
Speaker 1: got yourself love piguring, how excited were about that feeling

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00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 1: of choosing yourself and realizing, like you can do this

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00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,679
Speaker 1: for yourself, like you can commit to self love, you

415
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,639
Speaker 1: can commit to loving yourself. And it was something you

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00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:16,639
Speaker 1: wore from such a like beautiful, authentic place in your heart,

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00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:19,639
Speaker 1: and then you wore it on your reality show, and

418
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:24,640
Speaker 1: the exactly on the show bit all over it made

419
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,400
Speaker 1: fun of all over this thing that you did for yourself,

420
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,320
Speaker 1: like made so much fun of you, and you just

421
00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:34,399
Speaker 1: had to grin and bear it on television. Do you

422
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: want to know the truth about that scene because I

423
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,399
Speaker 1: remember the exact scene, because I remember exactly how I felt.

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Speaker 1: Because what you just described is very true. And I

425
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,800
Speaker 1: was in my mid thirties single when I got that ring,

426
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 1: and as a woman in the South, from the South,

427
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,640
Speaker 1: people do not understand why you would be single by

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00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: that age. And obviously I mentioned earlier like I had

429
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,440
Speaker 1: canceled a wedding. I had tried to get married and

430
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,840
Speaker 1: found out that that was also not you know, it

431
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: wasn't a good relationship for me and I was being

432
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: cheated on, and so I'm not going to go through

433
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:12,040
Speaker 1: with a wedding. Do you know. The people's reaction was like, well,

434
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,240
Speaker 1: that was really brave to leave, and I'm like, again,

435
00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:16,560
Speaker 1: what choice did I have? Like, but that's that's our

436
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,480
Speaker 1: culture is like most people would have still gone through

437
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 1: with it to avoid the public humiliation. Although your relationship

438
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,639
Speaker 1: is a complete sham, most people will go through with it. Yeah,

439
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 1: And so I was trying to stand in a place

440
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:32,359
Speaker 1: of being brave and and being and owning myself in

441
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 1: that trying to let go of that programming of I

442
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 1: need to be married by now something's wrong with me

443
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,760
Speaker 1: because I'm not. And that's a very hard place to

444
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 1: stand as a single woman. And um, the ring did

445
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,360
Speaker 1: give me a little bit like yes, okay, and you're

446
00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:49,920
Speaker 1: gonna be bold and brave and write a new narrative

447
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: for other women too. If you can stand in your

448
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,439
Speaker 1: truth and accept yourself for this place, um and so

449
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,520
Speaker 1: to be shipped on. I remember I couldn't even find

450
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,399
Speaker 1: word to react like I usually can come back with

451
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,240
Speaker 1: some quick comeback. And I remember feeling frozen in that scene,

452
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 1: and then I just laughed because what else do you

453
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: do when a camera is in your fucking face? But

454
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,399
Speaker 1: but I did, I remember because I feel it, like

455
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,480
Speaker 1: literally can feel whatever it was you were feeling in

456
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:26,400
Speaker 1: that moment. Well, I'm want to cry. We're both so empathetic. Yeah,

457
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:30,280
Speaker 1: I did cry when I left that day. And I

458
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:34,479
Speaker 1: remember feeling um because the person in the scene with me.

459
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,639
Speaker 1: Everyone listening knows who I'm talking about, but I just

460
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:43,120
Speaker 1: refused to say names. So um the person was married

461
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:48,200
Speaker 1: and so they didn't have the same experiences or um

462
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 1: hadn't experienced the shame around that that kind of situation

463
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,440
Speaker 1: that a woman faces because of the programming, or how

464
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,919
Speaker 1: bold you really do have to be to stand in

465
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: your own light in a in a situation where you

466
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: don't look like everyone else, like where you are actually

467
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: trying to stay in your truth and not just settle

468
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:13,440
Speaker 1: because it's what we're supposed to do, and feelings so crushed.

469
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 1: I remember feeling like why am I doing this, and

470
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: so much of that show is around my dating life too,

471
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 1: which was such honestly a disrespect to everything else that

472
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:28,439
Speaker 1: I am and have going on, like to dumb me

473
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,200
Speaker 1: down to just have some scenes most scenes be about dating.

474
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 1: And I did it. This is what I'm talking about

475
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:37,040
Speaker 1: with self abandonment. I signed the contract, I showed up

476
00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: to film. I did all of these things because for

477
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:43,200
Speaker 1: some reason, I convinced myself that being a yes person

478
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 1: was being the most open. And what I'm realizing now

479
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 1: in this pause, and maybe because of the burnout and

480
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,440
Speaker 1: breakdown in my life, is that the only way for

481
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,080
Speaker 1: me to stay true to myself is actually to start

482
00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 1: saying fucking no, like to look at a situation that

483
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 1: comes to my head, to look at a relationship, to

484
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,760
Speaker 1: look at people, and to know myself enough to know

485
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 1: that I can say no, I can walk away. I

486
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 1: can um say that's not for me, and that's okay.

487
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 1: And it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. It's

488
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 1: absolutely not going to look like everyone else's. I'm an

489
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,080
Speaker 1: Instagram for anyway. I don't want my life to look

490
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,280
Speaker 1: like anyone else's. I don't know why I'm trying. I

491
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 1: know why because for the past, you know, like five

492
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 1: or six years. If you look at the messaging that

493
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 1: was imparted on women, like by all the thought leaders

494
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:43,239
Speaker 1: around us. Um, Cheryl Sandberg told us to lean in, right, like,

495
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: just lean in, lean into her career, get that promotion,

496
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 1: don't pay any attention to anything else, just go for it.

497
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 1: And then uh, Sophia Amorroso told us to be a

498
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 1: girl boss, like you can do it, and she is

499
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:04,240
Speaker 1: now kind of like then like just kidding. I you know,

500
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,679
Speaker 1: I lost a hundred million dollars and lost my company.

501
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,640
Speaker 1: And you know what, maybe it's not just about being

502
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,679
Speaker 1: a girl bossed. Maybe it's also about being good human. Um.

503
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,720
Speaker 1: But you know, these are just two examples of this.

504
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,880
Speaker 1: You know, well there was a book like I Said

505
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,440
Speaker 1: Yes or a hundred days of Yeah, Like it wasn't

506
00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: just you. Like what I'm trying to suggest is that

507
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 1: you didn't come up with this idea that you should

508
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,760
Speaker 1: be saying yes to everything. We were programmed with this

509
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: idea and we suffered because of it. And there was

510
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: like there was good stuff that happened, you know, like

511
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: I started companies, I you know, didn't let being a

512
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 1: mother stand in the way of me pursuing my dreams.

513
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 1: But you know what, I also really burned myself out.

514
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,200
Speaker 1: And I found something that my daughter Stella wrote in

515
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 1: kindergarten for Mother's Day and they asked her like, like,

516
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: what is your mom love? And she wrote, my mom

517
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: loves to work. She works really, really, really hard. She

518
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: also loves to play with me, but she loves being

519
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 1: on her laptop. Oh, I got that one hit And

520
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 1: she's right. You know, at that time, when my girls

521
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:22,400
Speaker 1: were really young, I hadn't yet achieved the connection with

522
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: myself to know that, Um, maybe achievement and ambition aren't

523
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 1: my highest calling. Maybe at that time, just you know,

524
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,840
Speaker 1: pushing my kid on a swing and doing a little

525
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,360
Speaker 1: bit less would have been in greater alignment with what

526
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 1: I needed at that time. Um, But look like no regrets.

527
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 1: I'm alive. And that means that I always have the

528
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:52,480
Speaker 1: gift of shifting and what I am now learning and

529
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: you know, I'm working on a new book of poetry

530
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 1: that's all about shifting. It's all about how can we

531
00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,840
Speaker 1: take our old way of being thinking and then shifting

532
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 1: it into the new way. And one of the things

533
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 1: I was thinking about this morning is that nothing is

534
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 1: born of resistance, um, And everything is born of surrender.

535
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,560
Speaker 1: And like, if you feel like you are constantly in

536
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 1: a state of resistance in your life, um, you do

537
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 1: have another option. I want to say that again, nothing

538
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 1: is born of resistance. Everything is born from surrender. Wow,

539
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 1: that one really just hit me if you knew how

540
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: much resistance, even in my pause that I have been

541
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 1: And this kind of goes back to control. But resistance

542
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: and control it's all to protect myself from pain, right,

543
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 1: Like I have a motive and usually I'm pretty out

544
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: of touch with that until I finally have to surrender.

545
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 1: I don't I don't surrender easily, like I don't quit.

546
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 1: I'm not a quitter. Um, even when things are bad

547
00:30:56,800 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: for me, you know, I'm going to go out guns blazing, fighting,

548
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 1: punching all the things. Um. But but what so then

549
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 1: it's like I'm forced into surrender, but like trying to

550
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 1: control it again, it's like this other layer of self abandonment.

551
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,320
Speaker 1: It's this other layer of like I'm not actually moving

552
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: forward ever most of the time, I'm in fact moving

553
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 1: backwards when I stay in resistance. And so just hearing that, like,

554
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: you're so right, because that's the only time that we

555
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: get enough out of our own way to let life

556
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: happen as it should. And my astrology is always like

557
00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 1: this is already mapped out. Just stop. I do think though,

558
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 1: that like one experience I've had recently that I think

559
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,320
Speaker 1: is an important corollary to this is that when I

560
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 1: say surrender, I'm not saying you should just like stop trying,

561
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: but you stop having dreams, that you should stop making plans.

562
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that in your day to day existence,

563
00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: like have that trust to know that everything is always

564
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,360
Speaker 1: unfolding for you, and that you don't need to know

565
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 1: exactly how the pieces are going to fit together, Like

566
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: you don't have to constantly be pushing that puzzle together.

567
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,120
Speaker 1: You don't need to accumulate more pieces and shove them

568
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 1: together and try to make a picture perfect life. As

569
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:22,040
Speaker 1: long as you know what it is you want and

570
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: it's an alignment with who you are, you'll get there.

571
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: And I also think that there are moments when we

572
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: are faced with decisions, and when we have to make

573
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,760
Speaker 1: those decisions, you can either make a decision from a

574
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 1: place of like ego or guilt or a sense of obligation,

575
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,200
Speaker 1: or you can actually make it from a place of

576
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:50,160
Speaker 1: like brave trust and knowing and self connection, and then

577
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 1: everything explodes after that. Like you may require that you

578
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: relinquish something, it may require that you close the door

579
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:00,719
Speaker 1: on something. But if when you're met with that moment

580
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: where you have to choose how you're going to live

581
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: the next day of your life, taking that pause and

582
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 1: making it from the most human, authentic, deep part of yourself,

583
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: even if it means letting someone down or letting something go,

584
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,560
Speaker 1: that's when the universe starts blooming for you. And this

585
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,960
Speaker 1: happened to me last week. Like I made a decision

586
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: about my business friend and far that I'm going to

587
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: put into effect in the new year to scale things down,

588
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: and like I haven't said it publicly until this very moment,

589
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 1: And uh, it's something I've been like thinking about for

590
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,360
Speaker 1: six months and I haven't had the courage to do it.

591
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 1: And the minute that I made that decision and I

592
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,840
Speaker 1: said it out loud to someone, the very next day,

593
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 1: my publisher told me that they they're inviting me to

594
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 1: this conference that they're only taking four authors too in

595
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 1: the new year, where I'm gonna get to meet with

596
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 1: seven booksellers. The very next day, my publisher told me

597
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:00,719
Speaker 1: that Barnes and Noble featured my book in an email

598
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:05,040
Speaker 1: all of their subscribers in connection with Amanda Gorman's new book.

599
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 1: None of that was happening, you know, Like I've been

600
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,080
Speaker 1: holding my breath, wondering, like, did I make the biggest

601
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,440
Speaker 1: mistake of my life signing a publishing deal? Like you

602
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,880
Speaker 1: hear so many horror stories that it never works out,

603
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 1: like most books just fade into the oblivion. And and

604
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,359
Speaker 1: then the minute I decided that I'm willing to let

605
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 1: go of something that's been so definitive and important to

606
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,080
Speaker 1: me and laced into my identity for the past six

607
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,200
Speaker 1: or seven years, the very next day, it's like the

608
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,080
Speaker 1: damn opened on this new thing that I've been trying

609
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 1: to give birth to. Im. Now you're feeling me. That's

610
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,920
Speaker 1: how well I'm feeling you. And it just reminds me

611
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 1: so much of what I do, and I just relate

612
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:54,200
Speaker 1: to that so incredibly much, you know, I M hmm.

613
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 1: I heard so much and what you said, and one

614
00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:59,440
Speaker 1: of the main things that just stuck out though, was

615
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 1: that at uh something about you said something about like

616
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 1: surrendering and just knowing what knowing that it's it's gonna

617
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,360
Speaker 1: be okay and all these things, but you have to

618
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,879
Speaker 1: know what's right for you first. And for me, I

619
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,919
Speaker 1: could not get there without stopping first because I don't

620
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,840
Speaker 1: even I'm so out of touch with my own self still.

621
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,319
Speaker 1: I'm really having to work on it right now, and

622
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: I've been I have been so out of touch with

623
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 1: my own self for such such a significant time right now, um,

624
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 1: time period that I don't know, you know. And what

625
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: I was saying earlier was like, I'm so uncomfortable sometimes

626
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:40,719
Speaker 1: in feeling this thing of like I have all these

627
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 1: things to say and I am here sitting as this normal,

628
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 1: regular girl that's just navigating life, going through very painful

629
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:54,840
Speaker 1: things and um trying two different tools and in learning

630
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:58,640
Speaker 1: as I go, and feeling this pool to talk about

631
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:02,040
Speaker 1: it publicly, but odd it's really uncomfortable, you know, because

632
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,680
Speaker 1: I want to act like I have it all figured

633
00:36:03,719 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 1: out and like I'm some expert that's like this influencer

634
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:11,560
Speaker 1: quote unquote, And I actually hate that term now because

635
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, like I know how to do certain things,

636
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,319
Speaker 1: you know, I do a job that I do for

637
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:21,120
Speaker 1: celebrities or um, I really like fashion and I feel

638
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,880
Speaker 1: like I have a good sense of that kind of stuff. Um,

639
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 1: I'm really a feeler, like I said, and so I

640
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: feel comfortable talking about those things. But there's so many

641
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 1: different pieces that I'm not really sure exactly how to

642
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 1: navigate what that is. And all of that stuff has

643
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: been evolving for me, and to do it publicly is

644
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:43,399
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable and so like the saying I don't know

645
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,319
Speaker 1: is is what I'm bumping up against right now. And

646
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:51,800
Speaker 1: all that I'm learning is that when I'm stopping to say, Okay,

647
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,480
Speaker 1: well I don't know, So I'm gonna stop, and I'm

648
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: gonna pause, and I'm gonna look at my life and

649
00:36:55,640 --> 00:37:00,160
Speaker 1: like what is actually serving me? Like what is actually

650
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:04,320
Speaker 1: working for me? What do I enjoy doing? What relationships

651
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 1: do I need to let go of? You know, Like

652
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,680
Speaker 1: this is the first time I've said this publicly, but um,

653
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: I ended my relationship with my boyfriend recently and that

654
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:20,080
Speaker 1: has been so incredibly painful. And again, you know, as

655
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:24,359
Speaker 1: a woman who's about to be forty, UM, I have

656
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:27,000
Speaker 1: a lot of shame around that. Maybe like, uh, well

657
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,280
Speaker 1: jig's up. Kelly just can't figure it out. She doesn't

658
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:31,359
Speaker 1: know how to do relationships or something like, I just

659
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 1: like have this thing, and I'll talk more about my

660
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:37,280
Speaker 1: experience with that and what I'm learning about myself, um,

661
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,600
Speaker 1: and what that journey has looked like at some point.

662
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:43,520
Speaker 1: But I'm definitely not there yet, and I'm sad, you know,

663
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 1: and like not only is it embarrassing to admit publicly

664
00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:51,120
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, because I think we put her like

665
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 1: someone's living a successful life if they have successful relationships,

666
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 1: and I don't. And I'm really starting not to buy

667
00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 1: into that at all, because I don't really even know

668
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:03,640
Speaker 1: what a happy marriage like based on the marriages around me. Um,

669
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,920
Speaker 1: it's hard. Yeah, it's more about I think, like what

670
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:10,520
Speaker 1: are you learning and evolving to yourself? You know? And

671
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,799
Speaker 1: but also like I love this person and so I'm

672
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:15,839
Speaker 1: in a lot of pain personally, and so that makes

673
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 1: it really hard to talk about and um, and to

674
00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: let go of, Like I just have not wanted to

675
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:26,840
Speaker 1: let go, and I've tried every different angle to possibly

676
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,560
Speaker 1: not let go, and as we saw two months ago,

677
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,440
Speaker 1: it was killing me. And I still tried to pick

678
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,399
Speaker 1: it back up, you know, like I will still trying

679
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 1: to pick up my old tools of things that make

680
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:42,239
Speaker 1: me feel better. And more. Yeah, like I'm just like, well,

681
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,160
Speaker 1: let me just try this one more thing, like, and

682
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:48,600
Speaker 1: I just so desperately did not want to lay it down.

683
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:54,839
Speaker 1: That's a lot Kelly, Yeah, Brier in pain, thank you.

684
00:38:56,239 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 1: But as you said, part of moving forward and healing

685
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 1: and being actually open to what is supposed to happen

686
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:10,239
Speaker 1: in your life, I think does involve laying down those

687
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,279
Speaker 1: kind of things and staying open and trusting. And I

688
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:19,200
Speaker 1: I'm really working at trusting that the universe has something

689
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 1: for me that's a better fit, that's a better um relationship.

690
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,840
Speaker 1: But also like maybe it's not a relationship for me

691
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 1: right now, you know, Like it seems to me that

692
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 1: there's some things I need to be focused on myself,

693
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 1: and I'm kind of tired of us putting this pressure

694
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 1: on ourselves, especially as women that like, your life is

695
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 1: not successful without a relationship being in it, because like

696
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:46,359
Speaker 1: I got shipped to do right now, So maybe it's

697
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 1: not time for me to go focus on a guy.

698
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 1: You know, you are is in this state of like

699
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:57,919
Speaker 1: beautiful evolution, and what a gift to be able to

700
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: become yourself with having to bend or compromise to maintain

701
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:06,640
Speaker 1: an old version of you to maintain a relationship that

702
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 1: was predicated on who used to be, because this is

703
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,640
Speaker 1: one of the in my opinion, hardest parts of marriage

704
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:17,040
Speaker 1: is that when I got married, I was twenty eight

705
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:20,880
Speaker 1: years old and we had been in a relationship since

706
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:26,759
Speaker 1: I was twenty five, and I changed a fucking lot,

707
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:32,640
Speaker 1: a lot, a lot a lot. I was so easy, breathy, beautiful,

708
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,160
Speaker 1: cover girl. Like when I think back to who I

709
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:38,520
Speaker 1: was back then, God, who who wasn't at five? Right?

710
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,960
Speaker 1: Like God? Life was. We had no idea. I had

711
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,759
Speaker 1: no idea. And my husband too. He was like a

712
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 1: surfer dude, you know, Like I was thinking about him

713
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,839
Speaker 1: literally this morning. My mom always jokes, she's like, when

714
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:55,120
Speaker 1: you met Aaron, he was a guy with a surfboard,

715
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 1: and now you've saddled him with three kids, a mortgage,

716
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:02,000
Speaker 1: you know, and not just him like we carry these

717
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 1: things together. But my mom is always advocating for me

718
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:08,240
Speaker 1: to have compassion for him when we're having struggling moments

719
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 1: because she's like, both of you didn't have any clue

720
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,200
Speaker 1: what you were signing up for when you decided to

721
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 1: become adults together like you would, and I've changed so

722
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: much and he's changed so much, and have to just

723
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 1: keep choosing each other even though we are literally completely

724
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:31,880
Speaker 1: different people. It's it's really hard, it's really really really hard,

725
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,279
Speaker 1: and I do it and I'm grateful to do it,

726
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,560
Speaker 1: and I'm grateful to do it with him. But I

727
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,759
Speaker 1: also think like there's immense power and being able to

728
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,840
Speaker 1: choose who you are and nurture that without having to

729
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 1: accommodate someone else along the way. And who you will

730
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 1: attract when you are in alignment with yourself is completely

731
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,400
Speaker 1: different than who you will attract when you're in resistance

732
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,680
Speaker 1: with yourself. The last thing you want is someone who's

733
00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 1: gonna be attracted to your resistance, which is, you know,

734
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 1: an interesting thing to think back on for me. And

735
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:08,000
Speaker 1: then speaking of this self abandonment piece, like how was

736
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:10,279
Speaker 1: I even thinking I could get in a relationship when

737
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:12,080
Speaker 1: I got in one because I didn't even know who

738
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 1: I was, And all that it did was just, you know,

739
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: try to maybe medicate some of my own internal fears

740
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:23,560
Speaker 1: and pain away. But like, you know, I have this

741
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:28,640
Speaker 1: um mentor and she actually she said to me, you

742
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,279
Speaker 1: have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long

743
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 1: time now, Yet you will never be able to lastingly

744
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:40,000
Speaker 1: outrun it because we can't write like I and I

745
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:43,040
Speaker 1: think most people in this world. You go through something

746
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,560
Speaker 1: painful and you just want to feel better. So whatever

747
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 1: it is, if you move on to the next relationship,

748
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:51,080
Speaker 1: you just go start hooking up with a bunch of people.

749
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:54,879
Speaker 1: You start drinking a ton, you uh, get a hair cut.

750
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,400
Speaker 1: Get a haircut, right, you go get a bunch of botox,

751
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:00,840
Speaker 1: you get your boobs done. Like, there's all these things

752
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:04,000
Speaker 1: that we do that I have been so guilty for.

753
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:05,239
Speaker 1: For me a lot of times it was like I'll

754
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 1: work harder, I throw myself into a business. And the

755
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,800
Speaker 1: way that this all happened the last three years, there's

756
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:15,799
Speaker 1: absolutely no mistake in my opinion that I was just

757
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:20,440
Speaker 1: being pulled to stop trying to avoid myself, my pain,

758
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,279
Speaker 1: all of the things over and over and over, because I,

759
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 1: like I literally got to the place where I had

760
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:28,560
Speaker 1: no choice other than that I have to show you this,

761
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,360
Speaker 1: what is it? So this is you see what it

762
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:36,640
Speaker 1: says all the ways we try to avoid our pain

763
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 1: when the only way through it is to feel it. Right, Yep,

764
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:48,080
Speaker 1: I'm right there with you. Like I I'm an expert

765
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: avoider expert. I mean, like right up there with my

766
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 1: talent for googling stuff, Like I'm really good at that too.

767
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 1: Let me read another book about that, seem if I

768
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:03,520
Speaker 1: can figure it out. I um. I had a friendship

769
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,360
Speaker 1: that started when I was eighteen, and I swear to

770
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: God she made me uncomfortable from the time we met,

771
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 1: and it took until I was thirty eight walk away

772
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 1: from the relationship. And even then I didn't have the

773
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 1: courage to be like fully direct about it, kind of

774
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:32,920
Speaker 1: like skulked into darkness. But it took me from eighteen

775
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 1: to thirty eight to have the courage to stop avoiding

776
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:44,720
Speaker 1: something that was bothering me on a daily, weekly, monthly,

777
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:50,440
Speaker 1: yearly basis because I was so worried about the confrontation

778
00:44:51,200 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 1: that comes if not avoiding things. And here's this has

779
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 1: been a really, really tough truth for me. Okay, there

780
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:09,799
Speaker 1: is a difference between what you want and what you need, right,

781
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:16,120
Speaker 1: So forcing something may get you what you want right,

782
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 1: but allowing something will get you what you need. So

783
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:24,239
Speaker 1: just next time you're face with a situation, you can

784
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:28,160
Speaker 1: actually have what you want most of the time, but

785
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:32,360
Speaker 1: can you allow yourself to receive what you need? Because

786
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:36,080
Speaker 1: receiving is not about force, it's not about control, it's

787
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 1: not about your ego like demanding a specific outcome. It's

788
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:46,319
Speaker 1: about the lightness of letting go and surrender and and

789
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 1: allowing yourself to be the recipient of something. Because I

790
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:54,720
Speaker 1: think this comes down to worth, Like do you actually,

791
00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 1: deep down believe that you are worthy of receiving from

792
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:00,480
Speaker 1: other people? And I think for a lot out of us,

793
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:03,680
Speaker 1: the answer is no, we don't think so, which is

794
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:07,000
Speaker 1: why we're hustling so hard. We don't think we're worthy

795
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:09,799
Speaker 1: of it just happening for us. Um you know, I

796
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:15,560
Speaker 1: made a new friendship over the summer, and we were

797
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,439
Speaker 1: kind of like thrust together by circumstance, and we ended

798
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,680
Speaker 1: up in like a five hour car ride together. And

799
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,720
Speaker 1: after our little adventure, she sent me a gift basket,

800
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:28,920
Speaker 1: and then after that she invited me to lunch. After

801
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:32,480
Speaker 1: that she helped me plan a dinner party because she's

802
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 1: in the you know, in the food industry. All of

803
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:39,520
Speaker 1: this just out of her grace, not not charging me,

804
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:42,600
Speaker 1: not expecting anything in return. And I called her one

805
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,799
Speaker 1: day and I was really emotional. I said, you know,

806
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 1: I'm usually the one doing this for other people like

807
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,560
Speaker 1: I'm the giver and uh, and she's like, well, now

808
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:58,120
Speaker 1: it's your turn to receive. I want to give to you.

809
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:04,640
Speaker 1: But it was first time someone wanted me to just received.

810
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:11,200
Speaker 1: Hither it is? It's so oncome, wait, what do you mean? Like,

811
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:13,560
Speaker 1: I'm not the one who has to break my back

812
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 1: for you. I'm not the one who has to solve

813
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:18,480
Speaker 1: your problems. Um. I literally wrote a poem about this

814
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,480
Speaker 1: the other day where I said, um, let me read

815
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:27,320
Speaker 1: it to you because it's so um so on point,

816
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:33,719
Speaker 1: give me one second, Okay. I'll carry your pain to

817
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 1: prove that I am strong. I'll solve your problems to

818
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,200
Speaker 1: prove that I am smart. I'll forgive your failures to

819
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,319
Speaker 1: prove that I am supportive. Now do we believe in me?

820
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm? Because we is the thing that hits me

821
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: the most? Like you know what I mean? It's so true.

822
00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:57,120
Speaker 1: And and you just said, do I believe I'm worthy receiving?

823
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 1: And I think you know. Something I'm having to face

824
00:47:59,320 --> 00:48:01,760
Speaker 1: within myself is do I believe I'm worthy of love?

825
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:07,479
Speaker 1: Do I believe that I'm worthy of any of that

826
00:48:07,600 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 1: kind of um feeling from anyone else without working for it?

827
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:15,359
Speaker 1: I don't know that I've ever done that. I don't

828
00:48:15,360 --> 00:48:17,640
Speaker 1: know what that feels like, you know. And that's not

829
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,759
Speaker 1: fully true, because I have really really solid friendships of

830
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,480
Speaker 1: people who I do believe genuinely just love my heart

831
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:28,839
Speaker 1: and me inside and who I am. But I think

832
00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:33,440
Speaker 1: there's still the programming within me that really wants to

833
00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:37,319
Speaker 1: make sure those relationships are secure, and that involves me

834
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:41,319
Speaker 1: performing for them in in whatever capacity. And so I'm

835
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:45,120
Speaker 1: really trying to, you know, with this an awareness of that,

836
00:48:45,239 --> 00:48:48,320
Speaker 1: really trying to slowly lay that down. And it's scary

837
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:52,080
Speaker 1: as shits, and especially when it comes to dating and stuff,

838
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:54,600
Speaker 1: you know, like I can't just go, Okay, I'm just

839
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,680
Speaker 1: gonna go get on an app and start dating, because

840
00:48:56,719 --> 00:49:00,160
Speaker 1: like my relationship with myself is clearly so broke in

841
00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:03,440
Speaker 1: right now that that's the relationship that I need to

842
00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:07,799
Speaker 1: work on rebuilding so that I can within my next

843
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:12,239
Speaker 1: relationship except true love without having to feel like I

844
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 1: need to perform for it or um do all these

845
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:21,279
Speaker 1: things and be this person when it's because I'm seeking love,

846
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:24,919
Speaker 1: I guess, because like that's never gonna last, Like those

847
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:27,400
Speaker 1: things are always going to leave you. And I'm human

848
00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:30,719
Speaker 1: and I have needs and I have um things that like,

849
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 1: if I'm doing that for other people, I'm not taking

850
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,600
Speaker 1: care of myself or my relationship with myself. And so

851
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 1: again it's going to lead me down that path of like,

852
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:39,480
Speaker 1: who the funk am I by the end of it,

853
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:42,960
Speaker 1: because I don't even know. I'm just performing all the time.

854
00:49:43,920 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 1: It's also and there is another piece to this, which

855
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:51,440
Speaker 1: is the narrative around being single is so fucked up.

856
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:54,400
Speaker 1: It's so fucked up. I have a friend who I

857
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:57,880
Speaker 1: should connect you with now that you are podcasting again.

858
00:49:58,400 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 1: Her name's Shaney Silver, and she has devoted the past

859
00:50:02,239 --> 00:50:05,279
Speaker 1: five or so years of her life to reframing the

860
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:08,799
Speaker 1: narrative around being single, and she even wrote a book

861
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:11,319
Speaker 1: about it that just came out. It's called a Single Revolution,

862
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:14,839
Speaker 1: and she says, uh, don't look for a match light one.

863
00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:20,160
Speaker 1: And it's yeah, right, it's all this idea that like

864
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:25,719
Speaker 1: it's not all or nothing, Like you can actually enjoy

865
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:28,880
Speaker 1: being single and look at it as like a beautiful

866
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:31,839
Speaker 1: part of your life. And sure you can also want

867
00:50:31,840 --> 00:50:34,799
Speaker 1: a relationship, but you don't want to kill yourself to

868
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:37,680
Speaker 1: get there. You don't want to go wipe a thousand

869
00:50:37,719 --> 00:50:41,360
Speaker 1: times a day and because if God forbid, if you

870
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:44,440
Speaker 1: didn't do that, people would think, oh, she's resigned herself

871
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:47,399
Speaker 1: to being single, like you're you've given up, Like she's

872
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 1: about to go buy a bunch of cats and like

873
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,920
Speaker 1: all life is over, and like my friend really like

874
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:58,440
Speaker 1: breaks all that ship down, like very directly, like like

875
00:50:58,520 --> 00:51:03,240
Speaker 1: why is our entire called sure designed to only celebrate couples?

876
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:07,799
Speaker 1: That's so true individual human beings. And then look like

877
00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:14,080
Speaker 1: half the people in couple situations hate themselves, hate their relationships.

878
00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:16,919
Speaker 1: It's not lying there, It's like it's not a real

879
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,560
Speaker 1: This is like something else I've learned is just like

880
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,840
Speaker 1: looking at these relationships around me sometimes I'm like, do

881
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:25,920
Speaker 1: you guys even like each other? One? But too, like

882
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:30,800
Speaker 1: are y'all authentically being yourself and being truthful and vulnerable

883
00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:34,080
Speaker 1: and transparent with your partner in this way that like

884
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:36,960
Speaker 1: you do love each other fully, you do know each

885
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:40,839
Speaker 1: other fully, you are building a life together, like that

886
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:44,399
Speaker 1: is very rare, And you're not, like you said, you're

887
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:54,839
Speaker 1: not performing for you and you're not performing. I think

888
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:57,360
Speaker 1: I just feel like I like I said to you,

889
00:51:57,400 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: I just said yes so much that when people are like, well,

890
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: what do you want to do. I'm like, I don't.

891
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:06,359
Speaker 1: I don't know, and and it's also just changed. It's

892
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:09,800
Speaker 1: just changed. And that's been the hard part of navigating

893
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:11,799
Speaker 1: all of this publicly is that can be just like

894
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 1: messy and uncomfortable to do when other people are looking

895
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:17,040
Speaker 1: at you. You know, you just want to have it

896
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: figured out and to be able to say, hey, look

897
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:23,719
Speaker 1: at me, I did this like self care and uh,

898
00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:27,040
Speaker 1: here's what happened. I fixed myself and like my therapist

899
00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:30,279
Speaker 1: literally said to me two days ago, she goes, hey,

900
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:33,960
Speaker 1: you know you know enough, you know, you know, you

901
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:36,520
Speaker 1: know like I will do all these things to learn

902
00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:38,480
Speaker 1: and learn and learn, thinking that that's going to give

903
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:41,920
Speaker 1: me the answer. She goes, you know, all you have

904
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:46,600
Speaker 1: to do now is decide decide what kind of life

905
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 1: you want to live. Do you want to live? She

906
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 1: called it a sober life? Do you want to live

907
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:55,439
Speaker 1: a chaotic life? Like? Do you what version of you

908
00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:58,680
Speaker 1: are you willing to put energy into right now? And

909
00:52:58,920 --> 00:53:00,839
Speaker 1: you can stay in the old patterns as long as

910
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:03,680
Speaker 1: you want. But what I know for me to be

911
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:06,160
Speaker 1: true is that it's killing me. And so I think

912
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:08,239
Speaker 1: the reason I'm also saying like I'm not ready to

913
00:53:08,600 --> 00:53:11,399
Speaker 1: jump right back into dating. And and it's not You're right,

914
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:13,440
Speaker 1: it's not because I have nothing to offer, because I

915
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:15,839
Speaker 1: actually have a lot to offer, and I've learned that

916
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:19,160
Speaker 1: more in this relationship than I probably did in anything

917
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:24,320
Speaker 1: in any other relationship. Um, because you know there's kids involved,

918
00:53:24,320 --> 00:53:26,920
Speaker 1: Like I just now, I'm actually very in tune with

919
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:29,320
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, there's so much love in my heart.

920
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 1: And that is one of the biggest gifts that I've

921
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:36,320
Speaker 1: been given. Is I love so incredibly hard and big,

922
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,319
Speaker 1: and I'm full of it. So I want to give it.

923
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,359
Speaker 1: I want to give it to somebody, and I want

924
00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:46,400
Speaker 1: to receive it back. And UM, I don't know that

925
00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:49,040
Speaker 1: I am in a place right now where I have

926
00:53:49,600 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 1: the discernment to judge another person's ability to do that

927
00:53:54,680 --> 00:53:59,440
Speaker 1: for me like that, That's what I'm feeling. So I

928
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 1: need to stop saying it about It's not about necessarily

929
00:54:03,239 --> 00:54:05,799
Speaker 1: just how much, you know, like I don't have to offer,

930
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:08,919
Speaker 1: or I'm so broken. It's that I'm wanting to get

931
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 1: to a place of trusting my judgment a little better

932
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: as to what authentically someone else is capable of. Because

933
00:54:17,480 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 1: I do have a lot to give and I want

934
00:54:19,640 --> 00:54:24,000
Speaker 1: to receive it back this next time. Powerful. I think

935
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:26,879
Speaker 1: you just made a decision. I just did. You're so right.

936
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:29,319
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that with them myself. So thank

937
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: you for helping me sort that out. You know. I'll

938
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:35,320
Speaker 1: also give you another gift that someone gave me today.

939
00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:39,920
Speaker 1: A friend of mine is this like brilliant art director,

940
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: and she knows that I'm working on like the design

941
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:45,400
Speaker 1: concepts for my new book, and I've been really stuck

942
00:54:45,440 --> 00:54:47,960
Speaker 1: about like what should the cover look like? What should

943
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:49,960
Speaker 1: the bonds look like? And she's been sending me this

944
00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:53,400
Speaker 1: like amazing stuff on Instagram. And today I asked her him, like,

945
00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:56,560
Speaker 1: I don't get it. How do you even find these accounts?

946
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:00,360
Speaker 1: Like when you find this stuff? And she said a

947
00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:06,640
Speaker 1: very simple phrase, She said, I follow my curiosity. M Like,

948
00:55:06,760 --> 00:55:08,439
Speaker 1: first of all, I'm definitely going to turn that into

949
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:13,080
Speaker 1: a poem, so thing literally she's she's expired child pops

950
00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:18,239
Speaker 1: in my book. Um, but I follow my curiosity, like

951
00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:22,799
Speaker 1: that is that is my big thing right now? Like

952
00:55:22,880 --> 00:55:27,640
Speaker 1: I'm adopting that as my mantra, right, So that's how

953
00:55:27,680 --> 00:55:31,719
Speaker 1: we're going to figure out what actually delights us, what

954
00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:34,200
Speaker 1: serves us, what we want to do next how we

955
00:55:34,239 --> 00:55:40,080
Speaker 1: want to feel. I follow my curiosity. So not only

956
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:44,320
Speaker 1: have you made a decision, now you have like away forward.

957
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:49,600
Speaker 1: Is you know, like curiosity ring. It rings in your heart,

958
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:53,480
Speaker 1: It rings in your soul. It literally rings in your mind,

959
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:57,160
Speaker 1: your ears. You feel it reverberating inside of you. But

960
00:55:57,280 --> 00:56:00,319
Speaker 1: only when you're not distracted, only when you're not in

961
00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:03,680
Speaker 1: your ego, only when you're not working yourself to death.

962
00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:07,959
Speaker 1: Like curiosity is delicate. It's like a little bird that's

963
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:10,920
Speaker 1: chirping at you, and you're not going to hear it

964
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:17,200
Speaker 1: if you're in traffic, for example. So listen for your curiosity.

965
00:56:17,320 --> 00:56:20,920
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to see like what she shows you.

966
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:24,560
Speaker 1: And I'm a curious person and that is why I

967
00:56:24,680 --> 00:56:26,759
Speaker 1: do all the things I do on my podcast. Now

968
00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:29,360
Speaker 1: that when you're saying that, I was thinking, yeah, that's

969
00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:32,680
Speaker 1: so true for me specifically, Like a lot of my

970
00:56:32,719 --> 00:56:35,480
Speaker 1: friends actually have described me as that, you know, like

971
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:38,040
Speaker 1: you're just so curious, Like you're curious about the way

972
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:41,720
Speaker 1: people work and why, and and that's exhausting for some people,

973
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:44,200
Speaker 1: and it's really great for others. And so I think

974
00:56:44,239 --> 00:56:46,120
Speaker 1: my people are probably the ones that it's really great for.

975
00:56:47,880 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 1: Because it's it's something that it can lead you down

976
00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:54,000
Speaker 1: these different paths that I don't. I don't. I just

977
00:56:54,520 --> 00:56:56,920
Speaker 1: think that I've been trying really hard to put my

978
00:56:57,000 --> 00:57:00,400
Speaker 1: life in a box of like this nice and tidy

979
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:03,400
Speaker 1: thing that you know, we hear this description all the time, right,

980
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:05,640
Speaker 1: like a little boxes. It's all just like, you know,

981
00:57:05,719 --> 00:57:07,920
Speaker 1: break me out of the box. It's like a girl

982
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:10,120
Speaker 1: boss kind of mentality, like I don't want to be

983
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:12,920
Speaker 1: put in a box. But I genuinely have been thinking

984
00:57:12,960 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 1: about it in this capacity of like I could, you know,

985
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:19,200
Speaker 1: I know what that looks like, I know what it's

986
00:57:19,240 --> 00:57:22,800
Speaker 1: been mapped out for me as this southern white girl,

987
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,240
Speaker 1: Like I know how to do the box, Like I

988
00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:29,160
Speaker 1: could very easily live the life that has basically been

989
00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:32,800
Speaker 1: presented to me on paper since I was a kid.

990
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 1: And I am curious, and so I've never been able

991
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 1: to successfully stay inside of the box for a very

992
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:45,480
Speaker 1: long time. And I just don't know. I'm starting to

993
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, maybe I'm not wired to live this way,

994
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:50,240
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna stay curious and see what else is

995
00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:52,640
Speaker 1: out there. And once you get outside of the box

996
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:56,600
Speaker 1: is when you can actually spread your wings and fly right,

997
00:57:56,920 --> 00:58:00,280
Speaker 1: like I had this vision the other morning, and we'll

998
00:58:00,280 --> 00:58:02,120
Speaker 1: wrap up soon because I know I'm watching the time,

999
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,480
Speaker 1: but um, I had this vision the other morning is

1000
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:06,720
Speaker 1: like five am. And another thing about the pause is

1001
00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 1: that my visions have been insane. I don't know if

1002
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:14,280
Speaker 1: that happens for you, but just I'm so having these

1003
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:19,520
Speaker 1: random intuitions and dreams and it's like crazy how spot

1004
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:22,800
Speaker 1: on they typically are. But I was envisioning this huge bird,

1005
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 1: like the size of a dinosaur, almost inside of this house.

1006
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:29,440
Speaker 1: And the house is beautiful and it's perfect, and everything's

1007
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 1: clean and it's just like everything's put together so nice

1008
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,760
Speaker 1: and tidy, and this bird is trying to like get

1009
00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:39,800
Speaker 1: get out, even like just literally get out, and the

1010
00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:43,080
Speaker 1: wings look like these huge eagle wings and it's just like,

1011
00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:45,560
Speaker 1: like I said, dinosaur sized bird. So obviously it's just

1012
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:49,520
Speaker 1: knocking stuff over, you know, it's like knocking stuff off

1013
00:58:49,560 --> 00:58:51,640
Speaker 1: the shelves, and the people around it are running around

1014
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:53,920
Speaker 1: like stop stop, stop, stop stop, and it's like no,

1015
00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:55,840
Speaker 1: the bird just wants to get out of the damn house.

1016
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,640
Speaker 1: Like just let the bird out. And then and then

1017
00:58:58,640 --> 00:59:02,160
Speaker 1: in my vision, it finally of got free after breaking

1018
00:59:02,200 --> 00:59:05,440
Speaker 1: everything down and it just was able to fly and

1019
00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:09,120
Speaker 1: there's this huge, big sky for it to go fly in. God,

1020
00:59:09,520 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 1: this is insane. And you know, birds flying packs. Right

1021
00:59:14,000 --> 00:59:15,680
Speaker 1: once you get up there, you're going to see you're

1022
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:17,560
Speaker 1: not the only one who doesn't want to be stuck

1023
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:21,920
Speaker 1: in a box, right. Birds are always with other birds.

1024
00:59:22,960 --> 00:59:25,680
Speaker 1: They always find a way to make a life. And

1025
00:59:25,760 --> 00:59:29,280
Speaker 1: like Mary Oliver is this amazing poet and she has

1026
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 1: this beautiful poem that talks about how you know, birds

1027
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:37,240
Speaker 1: are free because they don't have belongings, Like they can

1028
00:59:37,360 --> 00:59:42,640
Speaker 1: fly because they're not weighed down by belongings. And I

1029
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:44,360
Speaker 1: have to find the poem and send it to you.

1030
00:59:44,480 --> 00:59:50,160
Speaker 1: It's beautiful, but I mean, we're all kind of blessed

1031
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:53,360
Speaker 1: by all the abundance we have. But it also forces

1032
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:58,560
Speaker 1: you to like stay on the ground, and you're that

1033
00:59:58,680 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 1: huge bird that needs to lie. So let's do it. Melodie,

1034
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:08,320
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I'm so grateful that I have

1035
01:00:08,440 --> 01:00:14,040
Speaker 1: met another human who I can navigate finding myself, loving

1036
01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:20,040
Speaker 1: myself truly just exploring the journey of shifting, like you

1037
01:00:20,160 --> 01:00:22,960
Speaker 1: said that earlier, and I'm just like, thank God, someone

1038
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: else is not so committed to being exactly the same

1039
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:29,000
Speaker 1: for the rest of their life. Like you're you know

1040
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:31,600
Speaker 1: you're going to shift, and you allow yourself the grace

1041
01:00:31,760 --> 01:00:35,520
Speaker 1: of experiencing the beauty of that. And so I'm so

1042
01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:38,240
Speaker 1: appreciative of you of that. I feel the same way.

1043
01:00:38,280 --> 01:00:41,320
Speaker 1: And I learned so much in our talks. Like it's

1044
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:44,280
Speaker 1: an hour, but I'm like transformed as much as like

1045
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:49,480
Speaker 1: a year's worth of conversation. I really appreciate you inviting

1046
01:00:49,480 --> 01:00:51,960
Speaker 1: me to talk to you and to welcome you back

1047
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:55,800
Speaker 1: from your pause, but bring your paws with you. Yeah,

1048
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:59,720
Speaker 1: for sure that part of your every day. And I'm

1049
01:00:59,720 --> 01:01:02,200
Speaker 1: going to just invite myself back on your podcast in

1050
01:01:02,240 --> 01:01:05,800
Speaker 1: a couple of months, right, like we let's pick it

1051
01:01:05,920 --> 01:01:09,680
Speaker 1: up again, and you are. I loved that, And for

1052
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:13,840
Speaker 1: all you guys listening, I had some very um tangible

1053
01:01:14,200 --> 01:01:17,760
Speaker 1: things that I did during the pause that helped me,

1054
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:20,160
Speaker 1: and I think that they could actually be small little

1055
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:23,280
Speaker 1: things that if you're contemplating a pause or in a

1056
01:01:23,360 --> 01:01:25,360
Speaker 1: place where you want to just maybe adding a couple

1057
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:29,840
Speaker 1: things that can help you get some clarity within yourself. Um,

1058
01:01:29,880 --> 01:01:31,040
Speaker 1: But we ran out of time for that, So I'm

1059
01:01:31,040 --> 01:01:33,160
Speaker 1: gonna put that on Velvet sa dot com because they're easily.

1060
01:01:33,400 --> 01:01:35,640
Speaker 1: You know things I can write out? And will you

1061
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,160
Speaker 1: tell people where they can go find Fred and Far,

1062
01:01:38,360 --> 01:01:41,160
Speaker 1: because what we did talk about is I wear this

1063
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:43,160
Speaker 1: pinky ring and every time we've done this podcast, I

1064
01:01:43,240 --> 01:01:48,000
Speaker 1: keep forgetting to put it on. But it's it's hilarious

1065
01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:53,000
Speaker 1: because I literally wear it everything. We can be vulnerable,

1066
01:01:54,040 --> 01:01:56,160
Speaker 1: but I do and I love it and I get

1067
01:01:56,200 --> 01:01:59,080
Speaker 1: asked about it all the time. And it was something

1068
01:01:59,120 --> 01:02:02,560
Speaker 1: I bought for my health as an expression of the

1069
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 1: journey that I'm one and it might look a little

1070
01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:07,640
Speaker 1: different than everyone else's, but to love myself through that journey.

1071
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:10,320
Speaker 1: So tell everyone where they can find you, and they

1072
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:13,680
Speaker 1: can find Fred and Far. Sure. So my company is

1073
01:02:13,720 --> 01:02:16,600
Speaker 1: called Fred and Far. It's f R E d A

1074
01:02:16,920 --> 01:02:19,560
Speaker 1: N D f A R dot com. It's the home

1075
01:02:19,600 --> 01:02:22,800
Speaker 1: of the self love, pinkuring um and I am Melody

1076
01:02:22,840 --> 01:02:26,160
Speaker 1: god Fred. You can either find me on Amazon or

1077
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:29,560
Speaker 1: on my website on Instagram. I'm everywhere, very easy to

1078
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:33,160
Speaker 1: find and I love to connect with people. So send

1079
01:02:33,200 --> 01:02:35,240
Speaker 1: me a d M let's chat. And if you don't

1080
01:02:35,240 --> 01:02:38,040
Speaker 1: know where to begin and you need help figuring out

1081
01:02:38,040 --> 01:02:40,360
Speaker 1: how to love yourself, I hope you will pick up

1082
01:02:40,360 --> 01:02:42,800
Speaker 1: one of my books, The A b CS of Self Love,

1083
01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:46,600
Speaker 1: which is a guided journal, comes out January four, and

1084
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,040
Speaker 1: my poetry book Self Love Poetry for Thinkers and Feelers

1085
01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:53,439
Speaker 1: is out now. UM, and I'm really proud of both

1086
01:02:53,480 --> 01:02:56,160
Speaker 1: of them because they not only embody my journey, but

1087
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:58,000
Speaker 1: I know that they've helped a lot of other people

1088
01:02:58,000 --> 01:03:01,560
Speaker 1: on their self love journeys as well. So wishing everyone

1089
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:07,120
Speaker 1: just a very light and joyful and healthy and safe

1090
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:14,520
Speaker 1: and RESTful and that I like RESTful. I think we

1091
01:03:14,600 --> 01:03:19,040
Speaker 1: all need it. Well, you'll be back, as we said,

1092
01:03:19,080 --> 01:03:20,600
Speaker 1: and you and I will talk about that when we

1093
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:23,440
Speaker 1: get off here. But I'll hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

1094
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:26,480
Speaker 1: Always send me emails at Kelly at Velvet's Edge dot com.

1095
01:03:26,560 --> 01:03:28,640
Speaker 1: I would love your feedback and I would love to

1096
01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:30,880
Speaker 1: know what your journey looks like right now, if you

1097
01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:33,600
Speaker 1: guys are in a place of pause or contemplating one

1098
01:03:33,760 --> 01:03:36,160
Speaker 1: or have had one. UM. It always helps me to

1099
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:38,640
Speaker 1: have shared experiences with everyone. You can also d m

1100
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:42,200
Speaker 1: me at Velvet's Edge. I'm on Instagram again as well.

1101
01:03:42,360 --> 01:03:45,439
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm back, but I'm back slowly, but I'm back.

1102
01:03:45,480 --> 01:03:47,600
Speaker 1: I'm back. I'm back all right melody. Thank you so

1103
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:51,880
Speaker 1: much for being here. Thanks for listening to The Velvet's

1104
01:03:51,920 --> 01:03:55,160
Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, where we believe everyone has

1105
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:57,880
Speaker 1: a little velvet and a little edge. Subscribe for more

1106
01:03:57,920 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 1: conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge

1107
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:07,760
Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts. H m hm