Speaker 1: I didn't learn as till I was fifty four years old.
Speaker 1: If I had known this way back when, I would
Speaker 1: literally not have been a walking red flag for most
Speaker 1: of my life. I would not have taken my stress
Speaker 1: out on my family. I would have been more peaceful
Speaker 1: and more powerful because I had no idea how much
Speaker 1: power I'd given to other people.
Speaker 2: And that was the incredible male Robbins with a powerful
Speaker 2: realization that reshaped our relationships, her family, and even her
Speaker 2: sense of self. And she's about to share it with us.
Speaker 2: This is My Legacy a podcast hosted by me and
Speaker 2: my husband, Martin Luther King, the third oldest son of
Speaker 2: doctor Martin Luther King Junior and Coretta Scott King. Together
Speaker 2: we're caring for their iconic legacy of equality, peace and
Speaker 2: justice for all. Plus we're joined by our good friends
Speaker 2: New York Times best selling authors Mark and Craig Kilberger.
Speaker 2: Last week we began an unforgettable conversation with mel and
Speaker 2: her daughter Sawyer. It's the first interview they've ever done together,
Speaker 2: and we were all a part of it. It was raw,
Speaker 2: emotional and filled with moments that had all of us laughing, crying,
Speaker 2: and rethinking the way we approached love, family, and forgiveness.
Speaker 2: If you thought part one was eye opening, get ready
Speaker 2: for part two, as Mel reveals her transformative let Them theory,
Speaker 2: how it healed her and Sawyer's relationship, and her invaluable
Speaker 2: wisdom for overcoming heartbreak. Let's pick up right where we
Speaker 2: left off. Welcome to my legacy.
Speaker 3: Mel, your new book, The Left Them Theory. It encourages
Speaker 3: people to just let control go over other people's choices.
Speaker 3: And the part that I love is that you said
Speaker 3: it helped to heal and fortify your relationship with your daughter.
Speaker 3: Can you share both the theory and how it brought
Speaker 3: you closer together?
Speaker 1: Absolutely so. The leat thein theory is a simple mindset
Speaker 1: tool that helps you identify, literally in a moment, what's
Speaker 1: in your control and what's not in your control, and
Speaker 1: the way that you use it is very simple. If
Speaker 1: you're in a situation and some other person is stressing
Speaker 1: you out or upsetting you or offending you, or you're
Speaker 1: worried about them, or they're treating you poorly, you literally
Speaker 1: say let them because the number one thing in life
Speaker 1: that you will never ever, ever ever be able to
Speaker 1: control is another human being. You can't control what they think.
Speaker 1: You can't control what they do. You cannot control how
Speaker 1: they feel, period, And any psychologists will tell you that
Speaker 1: any time that you spend trying to only makes you
Speaker 1: feel more stressed, out, frustrated, and out of control and
Speaker 1: the problem for all of us. And I didn't learn
Speaker 1: this so I was fifty four years old. If I
Speaker 1: had known this way back when, I would literally not
Speaker 1: have been a walking red flag for most of my life.
Speaker 1: I would not have taken my stress out of my family,
Speaker 1: have been more peaceful and more powerful because I had
Speaker 1: no idea how much power I'd given to other people,
Speaker 1: and neither nobody does, because we don't understand how we're
Speaker 1: turning other people into the problem. And I've got very
Speaker 1: important and exciting information, and it says, if you feel
Speaker 1: tired in life, if you are frustrated, if you're stuck,
Speaker 1: if you're stressed out, if you feel like you never
Speaker 1: have time for yourself, if you're just not as happy
Speaker 1: as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you. The
Speaker 1: problem is you're unknowingly giving power to other people, and
Speaker 1: you do it in four ways. You allow them to
Speaker 1: stress you out, you worry about and you manage what
Speaker 1: they're thinking. You navigate your life based on their moods
Speaker 1: and their opinions and their disappointment and their guilt and
Speaker 1: their expectations, and you paralyze yourself because you're chronically comparing
Speaker 1: yourself to them and telling yourself that if they're successful
Speaker 1: or they're this, then I can't have it, and it's
Speaker 1: simply not true. And what the let them theory does
Speaker 1: is that any situation that you're in, and you're going
Speaker 1: to use it with your family more than anybody, because
Speaker 1: I think family teaches you how to love people you
Speaker 1: hate sometimes, right, you gotta let them because you're not
Speaker 1: going to change them. And what you will learn as
Speaker 1: you start to use this is people only change when
Speaker 1: they feel like changing. People only change when they're ready
Speaker 1: to change. People only change when they're ready to do
Speaker 1: the hard work to change. And the other piece that
Speaker 1: you have to embrace is that we think worrying about
Speaker 1: or pressuring or judging or pushing people to change motivates
Speaker 1: people to change. It's actually the opposite. If you look
Speaker 1: at the wiring of a human being, everybody has a
Speaker 1: fundamental need for control. When you're in control of what
Speaker 1: you're thinking about in your decisions and your future and
Speaker 1: the environment that you're in, you actually feel safe. And
Speaker 1: the problem is if Martin's doing something that is worrying now,
Speaker 1: his behavior is something I want to control. But Martin
Speaker 1: has the same need to control his life as I do.
Speaker 1: So when I start to push on Martin or suggests
Speaker 1: that Martin should do this or should do that, what
Speaker 1: does Martin do? Martin pushes back because he needs to
Speaker 1: be in control. And I didn't realize that I was
Speaker 1: creating so much unnecessary friction and frustration and distance with
Speaker 1: people in my life. I didn't realize how much time
Speaker 1: and energy I was losing, because you know, let's just
Speaker 1: take a simple example. You're at the grocery store and
Speaker 1: there's five people in front of you and there's one cashier.
Speaker 1: We've all been there, right, yes, And immediately the stress
Speaker 1: rises up inside you. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: you get agitated, and then you start thinking why are
Speaker 1: they not calling it? And then you're looking around, and
Speaker 1: then you start thinking you can run the store better
Speaker 1: than anybody, right, And now let's just stop and actually
Speaker 1: really look at what this is. This is you giving
Speaker 1: power to something that you do not control and When
Speaker 1: you do that, a number of things happen. Number one,
Speaker 1: did you notice as the stress goes up, your life
Speaker 1: force energy goes out. So you are allowing stupid, meaningless,
Speaker 1: all kinds of irritating people that are beneath you and
Speaker 1: not worth your time and energy. You are allowing it
Speaker 1: to exhaust you, and you don't have to. And the
Speaker 1: solution is just to say let them, and immediately you
Speaker 1: feel peace because what you're doing is you're tapping into
Speaker 1: a tremendous like I feel like I've got everybody's ancestors
Speaker 1: with me. Because this is an application of stoicism, of Buddhism,
Speaker 1: of radical acceptance, of detachment, theory of literally not reacting
Speaker 1: and staying in your piece, and then something interesting happens.
Speaker 1: You say the second part, which is let me, let
Speaker 1: me remind myself that in any situation, I have power
Speaker 1: because there are three things I can control. I can
Speaker 1: control what I think about. Next, I can control what
Speaker 1: I do or I don't do. Because you can leave
Speaker 1: the supermarket. You could if you never have time to
Speaker 1: talk to your friends, you could pick up the phone
Speaker 1: and call your friend or your grandma. You could practice meditation.
Speaker 1: You could say a prayer if you say, let me
Speaker 1: and remind yourself that you have power, right, And so
Speaker 1: that's what it is.
Speaker 2: And also you said, you know all of these different ancestors,
Speaker 2: you're bringing in the ancestor of Martin Luther King junior
Speaker 2: in the whole civil rights movement. Yes, because I think
Speaker 2: what people also forget is that when you're talking about
Speaker 2: the lunch counters, when you're talking about the freedom.
Speaker 1: Writers, yes they trained. Yes, you know, they.
Speaker 2: Didn't just go in you know, and so and I'll
Speaker 2: be non reactious.
Speaker 4: Yes, and it was a.
Speaker 2: Lot of what exactly that you're talking about, and let
Speaker 2: them like this is like they're going to do this. Yes,
Speaker 2: I you know, I choose, I choose how then I
Speaker 2: will respond to that. And what I also think is
Speaker 2: important is like you have to it is training.
Speaker 1: Yes, it is.
Speaker 2: It is you know, you have to think about it
Speaker 2: and you have to.
Speaker 1: Yes, it is disciplined. And here's the other thing it
Speaker 1: is because a lot of people hear this and then
Speaker 1: they'll say, wait, you're just allowing people to walk all
Speaker 1: over you, You're allowing people to abuse you. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh no, it's the opposite, because you're actually allowing it. Now,
Speaker 1: when you say let them, it's almost like you're allowing
Speaker 1: it without allowing it, because you're saying, I see the
Speaker 1: reality here, and I see that I can't control this,
Speaker 1: and so I choose my response because I know I
Speaker 1: do have power. And oftentimes the best response is no response.
Speaker 1: The response is peace. And we give too much energy
Speaker 1: and too much fear into things we can't control, and
Speaker 1: in doing so, we blind ourselves to the fact that
Speaker 1: you always have control. And whether you're talking about a
Speaker 1: family dynamic, or you're talking about a community, or you're
Speaker 1: talking about a world at large, I see. I find
Speaker 1: it just so sad and fascinating that we always let
Speaker 1: the most challenging and toxic behavior seem to get all
Speaker 1: the power. But I actually think the opposite is true.
Speaker 1: I believe that the person that is peaceful, I believe
Speaker 1: that the person that understands their power. I believe the
Speaker 1: person who actually constantly reminds themselves, wait a minute, I
Speaker 1: have power here because I have power over my thoughts,
Speaker 1: I have power over my actions. I have power over
Speaker 1: how I allow my emotions to rise and fall. And
Speaker 1: it's inside that power that any single person can change
Speaker 1: something for the better.
Speaker 2: You know, that's what because you're responding and not reacting. Yes,
Speaker 2: and responding is when you come from a place of power.
Speaker 1: Yes. And it's also how you take personal responsibility. Let's
Speaker 1: talk about responsibility, because the word responsibility is just the
Speaker 1: ability to respond and everybody has that. And so when
Speaker 1: you really remind yourself of that, now you can be
Speaker 1: the person that changes everything. Because it just takes one
Speaker 1: person to change the energy and dynamic in a family.
Speaker 1: It takes one person who cares enough to change the
Speaker 1: politics in a country. It takes one person to just
Speaker 1: shift everything. And if you don't like where you're at,
Speaker 1: or you don't like where your family's at, or you
Speaker 1: don't like something in a relationship, or you don't like
Speaker 1: something in the world at large, that one person is you.
Speaker 1: And as long as you give your time and energy,
Speaker 1: and you give other people power their opinions, there all
Speaker 1: of it that none of what you can control. You
Speaker 1: are not present to the power you actually have and
Speaker 1: the time and the energy that you need to create
Speaker 1: the change that you're capable of changing.
Speaker 5: Two thoughts come to mind as you're speaking. One of them.
Speaker 3: It's like the serenity prayers my grandmother would always say.
Speaker 3: Our grandmother would alway talk about, you know, change the
Speaker 3: things you can, you know, forget the things you can't.
Speaker 3: Was the difference. But the second thought that came through
Speaker 3: my mind was as you talked about that, the lack
Speaker 3: of reaction. It is like the nonviolence movement. Nonviolence is
Speaker 3: not non action, and the let them is that power
Speaker 3: to not let the negative drive your choices. But in fact,
Speaker 3: even under the toughest circumstances, you have the ability still
Speaker 3: to respond. And Martin, I think of the most extraordinary thing.
Speaker 3: I think one of the most extraordinary acts of courage.
Speaker 3: Wasn't only your dad, there's also your grandfather.
Speaker 6: Yeah, so I think everyone knows that my father was
Speaker 6: assassinated I was ten years old. My father's mother was
Speaker 6: also assassinated in the church while playing the Lord's prayer.
Speaker 6: And again my grandfather, as a minister, had been preaching forgiveness.
Speaker 6: It's one thing to preach that, but then to have
Speaker 6: to practice it and exemplify it. Because you've gone through
Speaker 6: this situation, you're telling all your parishioners, yes, because you
Speaker 6: can say that, but now you can say, from a
Speaker 6: personal standpoint, I haven't impacted. But this is the way
Speaker 6: I choose. I choose to forgive, I choose to continue
Speaker 6: to show up in love. And he did that many
Speaker 6: in many ways throughout his sermons, basically saying, I refuse
Speaker 6: to allow a man that killed my lovely wife nor
Speaker 6: my son to.
Speaker 5: Reduce me to hatred.
Speaker 6: I love everybody. I'm every man's brother. That was a
Speaker 6: choice that impacted us directly, meaning my siblings and I
Speaker 6: obviously my mom and siblings and I, even though we
Speaker 6: had learned it as children, now we had to live
Speaker 6: through it. And again a choice because we could have
Speaker 6: chosen to be angry and hostile and hateful. This is
Speaker 6: what I can control. This is how I'm gonna choose
Speaker 6: to live my life, and hopefully it sets an example.
Speaker 5: For others well.
Speaker 7: And didn't let hatred come into his heart?
Speaker 6: No, he did not.
Speaker 5: He did not allow that.
Speaker 2: One thing I do want to say that this reminds
Speaker 2: me so much because when I speak, and I use
Speaker 2: the story a lot as relates to our nation and world,
Speaker 2: but I think it also relates to everything personal. And
Speaker 2: I talk about the story of the two wolves, heard
Speaker 2: that story, and I talk about the fact that that
Speaker 2: little girl goes up to her grandmother and says that
Speaker 2: you know, grandmother, that there is a war going on
Speaker 2: inside of me. And there are these two wolves in
Speaker 2: their battle, and I'm not sure which one is gonna win,
Speaker 2: because one is full of anger and bitterness and hatred
Speaker 2: and hostility, and yet there's another wolf that's full of
Speaker 2: love and nobleness and peacefulness, and they're really out of battle,
Speaker 2: and I grandmother tell me what to do.
Speaker 4: Who's going to win?
Speaker 2: And our grandmother looked at her and said, the wolf
Speaker 2: that you feed. And I think that this reminds me
Speaker 2: let them like, we get to choose what wolf are
Speaker 2: we going to feed? We get to choose that in
Speaker 2: the world, and that's the wolf that we'll win. And
Speaker 2: we get to also choose that as individuals, and we
Speaker 2: have to decide every day what wolf we're going to
Speaker 2: be feeding.
Speaker 3: More with Mel Robbins and her daughter about how their
Speaker 3: new book transformed their relationship.
Speaker 5: We'll be right back afterword from our partners.
Speaker 3: We're back with Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer on
Speaker 3: my legacy, Andre. The next question is yours.
Speaker 2: Now, Sawyer, when you're writing this book together, you're actually
Speaker 2: working on a relationship, chap or why you were going
Speaker 2: through a breakup, correct, do you mind? Can you talk
Speaker 2: just a little bit about that and maybe give someone
Speaker 2: advice that is going through a very heart breakup. You know,
Speaker 2: it's particularly when you're well at any age.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Speaker 8: So ironically, actually I was writing the breakup chapter, or
Speaker 8: starting to write it, and that morning and then that
Speaker 8: night I got broken up with And so then the
Speaker 8: next morning I'm like, this is horrible.
Speaker 4: I can't let them move on.
Speaker 8: Rip delete, delete, delete, And but then I really thought
Speaker 8: about it, and over the course of a few months, like,
Speaker 8: I was so upset, and I think when someone goes
Speaker 8: through a breakup, there.
Speaker 4: Is no good advice.
Speaker 8: There's no toolkit, there's no YouTube video, there is nothing
Speaker 8: anyone can say to make you feel better. And what
Speaker 8: people often tell you is the generic, oh, you just
Speaker 8: have to learn to love yourself again, which at that point.
Speaker 4: You hate yourself.
Speaker 8: You feel ugly, you feel undesired, you feel unloved and rejected.
Speaker 8: And so I really wanted, as we continued to write
Speaker 8: this chapter together, to make sure that the person reading
Speaker 8: it actually could put as Mal always does, but put
Speaker 8: action towards it. It's not just some blank advice where
Speaker 8: you don't actually know what to do, and so we
Speaker 8: both have the same therapist and Davin smartest woman in
Speaker 8: the world. And what Ann told me to do is well,
Speaker 8: first she explained that when you go through a breakup
Speaker 8: that it's actually you and your partner or your past partner.
Speaker 8: Your bodies and your neurological makeup is intertwined, and so
Speaker 8: actually what's happening is they're breaking patterns in your body.
Speaker 8: And that impulse to text them fifteen times a day,
Speaker 8: or feeling like they are sleeping next to you, or
Speaker 8: you can hear them in the car, or you want
Speaker 8: to call them and tell them about something, all of
Speaker 8: those little impulses in your body are because the pattern
Speaker 8: is so locked in and interwined that the process of
Speaker 8: a breakup is actually about breaking those patterns in your body.
Speaker 4: Yes, and it's so hardened.
Speaker 8: So it's actually grief because when you go through a breakup,
Speaker 8: it is the death of a future or a person.
Speaker 4: That is no longer here.
Speaker 8: And so I think as we were writing the breakup chapter,
Speaker 8: I wanted to make sure that we had.
Speaker 4: Really actual advice.
Speaker 8: And so what I will tell to all of you
Speaker 8: who are listening, if you are going through a breakup,
Speaker 8: is first of all, you're not alone. And second of
Speaker 8: all is I encourage you to do what me and
Speaker 8: Mel call a thirty day rule. And the thirty day
Speaker 8: rule or reset or all of that is basically to
Speaker 8: cut contact for thirty days. And that doesn't just mean
Speaker 8: don't reach out to them, don't text them. It means
Speaker 8: you cannot look at any photos, any voice, memos.
Speaker 4: Social media, no social media. You can snapchat and mute everything.
Speaker 8: Because what happens, and this is what and described to me,
Speaker 8: is that every single time you reach out to them,
Speaker 8: or you hear their voice which is especially really bad,
Speaker 8: or you're looking through past photos. Every single time you
Speaker 8: do that, it re in states the neurological pathways in
Speaker 8: your body to that convinces you that they are still
Speaker 8: around and they're still in your life, and they're not
Speaker 8: that life is no longer, and so you are basically
Speaker 8: trying every time you connect with one of those items
Speaker 8: or photos, it prolongs the heartbreak, It prolongs the grief,
Speaker 8: and so we encourage everyone to do a thirty day
Speaker 8: reset and do not reach out to them.
Speaker 1: And that's where they let them comes in because you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to say how many times a day? Would
Speaker 1: you say?
Speaker 4: Let them like twenty times a day?
Speaker 2: And then do you literally block because I know, like
Speaker 2: okay mail. Back in our days, you know we could
Speaker 2: just you know, you know, block the phone number or
Speaker 2: not look at photos. So does that mean now for
Speaker 2: your age our doors, does that mean no social media?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 4: So do you everything?
Speaker 2: Do you physically block your social media?
Speaker 1: Like just like you know, you can't it sober until
Speaker 1: you quit drinking.
Speaker 8: Wow.
Speaker 1: And while you go through that process, your body's going
Speaker 1: to go through withdrawal because you're learning how to live
Speaker 1: life without it. And that's why you have to say,
Speaker 1: let them, let them leave, let them move on, let
Speaker 1: them hook up with somebody else, and let me remind
Speaker 1: myself that they're gone. Let me remind myself that every
Speaker 1: time I look at their location or I listen to
Speaker 1: a voice memo, that I am keeping myself trapped in
Speaker 1: a life that no longer exists. And so it is
Speaker 1: a form of grief. And the hardest thing about being
Speaker 1: a parent is that when you see somebody that you
Speaker 1: love struggling, you would put yourself in front of a
Speaker 1: moving car in order to take it away. But When
Speaker 1: you do that, you basically communicate to somebody that I
Speaker 1: don't believe you're strong enough to handle this. And so
Speaker 1: I had to let her grieve. I had to let
Speaker 1: her wear pajamas and sit in her bed for three days.
Speaker 1: I had to let her ask me to remove him
Speaker 1: from the digital camera rotation situation. And as I'm like
Speaker 1: going pause, pause, because I'm even pausing it because I'm like,
Speaker 1: maybe looking back together, maybe look at back, you know,
Speaker 1: and so let them, let them, let them, and let
Speaker 1: me remind myself that I cannot heal for her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let me remind myself that she is capable of moving
Speaker 1: through this. Let me remind myself it's not my job
Speaker 1: to take her pain away. It's my job to comfort
Speaker 1: her in her pain.
Speaker 8: And what I will also say why I think the
Speaker 8: Latin theory is so powerful is obviously when you use it.
Speaker 4: It's with my ex.
Speaker 8: I was just saying let them constantly to myself, But
Speaker 8: you can also use it in communication because at first
Speaker 8: you are not so amazing.
Speaker 4: As you described.
Speaker 8: She was always trying to talk about it, always trying
Speaker 8: to say are you okay?
Speaker 4: Are you okay?
Speaker 8: And I would say I am trying to let you,
Speaker 8: let them, let you have your own process through this,
Speaker 8: because I know you are also losing someone in your
Speaker 8: life and something you.
Speaker 4: And vision was going to happen.
Speaker 8: And at the same time, I need you to let
Speaker 8: me cry and be depressed and eat bond bonds every
Speaker 8: single night and just leave me alone a little bit,
Speaker 8: and I need you to let me take a break
Speaker 8: and to not talk about it and to come to
Speaker 8: you when I need you, and I promise I will.
Speaker 8: And so I feel like you can also use it
Speaker 8: in communication, which acknowledges what you want, but it also
Speaker 8: acknowledges what I need and what I want.
Speaker 3: Beautiful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it really brought us like and this is what
Speaker 1: I mean, like the process of it, of writing this
Speaker 1: book and researching this book, it really and using the
Speaker 1: let them theory and exploring it around love and stress
Speaker 1: and struggles and trying to change other people because that's
Speaker 1: what we do, right. We want we, you know, wanting
Speaker 1: someone to do better, wanting someone to be motivated, wanting
Speaker 1: someone to forgive. That's a beautiful thing to see possibility
Speaker 1: for someone else. That's not the problem. The problem is
Speaker 1: how we go about it, and we don't realize we're
Speaker 1: working against the wiring of human beings and when you
Speaker 1: should push yourself, but when it comes to the people
Speaker 1: in your life, you actually have to let them live
Speaker 1: their lives because it creates space for true connection and
Speaker 1: change to be. I mean, after all, love is truly
Speaker 1: loving somebody for who they are and for who they're not.
Speaker 1: And a lot of us live up here and we
Speaker 1: really are living in the possibility and in the fantasy,
Speaker 1: but we are not truly accepting and connecting with the
Speaker 1: reality of the person that we wake up next to
Speaker 1: or we sit across the table with. And all we
Speaker 1: want is to feel like the people that are in
Speaker 1: our lives actually see us for who we are. And
Speaker 1: you know, do you want to know? And oftentimes it's true,
Speaker 1: especially when we think we know best, and we underestimate
Speaker 1: how hard people are already working. The hardest working person,
Speaker 1: for example, in a classroom is not the kid getting a's.
Speaker 1: It's the kid who's failing. The person who is actually
Speaker 1: working the hardest on their weight is the person who's unhealthy.
Speaker 1: People know when they're not thriving, People know when they're
Speaker 1: not reaching their potential. People know when they're quietly quitting
Speaker 1: on themselves. And so when you and I, with the
Speaker 1: best of our intentions, keep going, why do you keep
Speaker 1: dating these losers? Or can't you be more motivated, or
Speaker 1: you know, why wouldn't you take better care of yourself?
Speaker 1: That just adds more pressure on top of somebody who
Speaker 1: already feels like they're not measuring up and they're in
Speaker 1: deep conflict with themselves. And when you learn to let
Speaker 1: someone cry it out, you learn to let someone learn
Speaker 1: from the greatest teacher in the world, which is life.
Speaker 1: When you do not shield people from the consequences of
Speaker 1: their decisions, but instead you stand by their side and
Speaker 1: you believe in the power that they have to meet
Speaker 1: the challenges of their life, then you create the space
Speaker 1: for a human being to reach their own potential on
Speaker 1: their own timeline. And what happened for us is I
Speaker 1: think so many relationships, particularly in family. I don't know
Speaker 1: how you guys feel about your relationship with your daughter,
Speaker 1: but there's that intense love and then there's that like,
Speaker 1: oh right, and we were like a death by a
Speaker 1: thousand cuts with one another. We're constantly missing the mark
Speaker 1: a little bit, and then one of us would be
Speaker 1: offended or annoyed and then she'd go off, and then
Speaker 1: I'd go after and we'd try to talk, and then
Speaker 1: I'd try to buy or something like whatever, let's just
Speaker 1: make this go away, and you would then manipulate and
Speaker 1: be like, let's go to them all because now we're
Speaker 1: going to be like, oh my god. That I'd be
Speaker 1: mad because I'd be like, I just watched all this stuff,
Speaker 1: and now you're not nice to me. But what were
Speaker 1: gonna say?
Speaker 4: Oh no, I was just gonna say.
Speaker 8: I think within a very short summary our relationship, and
Speaker 8: this is what I haven't.
Speaker 4: Described yet, but too.
Speaker 8: Like two years ago, I was we were doing some therapy,
Speaker 8: and I had this vision of me as like an infant,
Speaker 8: like one or two months old, and it was as
Speaker 8: if I was looking up. I was in a crib
Speaker 8: and I was looking up into this at the ceiling,
Speaker 8: and I remember wanting my mom to come, and she,
Speaker 8: like my dad, kept coming to pick me up. Or
Speaker 8: this woman who her name was Jonie Twining, who helped
Speaker 8: during the postpartum depression with her and her giving birth
Speaker 8: to me, kept picking me up, and all I wanted
Speaker 8: was my mom.
Speaker 4: And all I wanted was my mom.
Speaker 8: And she never came, and I honestly think that is
Speaker 8: a real memory. And when I started going through childhood,
Speaker 8: I think her working all the time reaffirm that in
Speaker 8: my mind is that I always wanted her to come
Speaker 8: and like pick me up and be with me and
Speaker 8: give me attention and make me feel like I mattered,
Speaker 8: And she was off doing amazing things.
Speaker 4: But always away.
Speaker 8: So it confirmed to me that, at least in my mind,
Speaker 8: that I didn't matter. And so I think then that
Speaker 8: is what created the tension between us. Is I then
Speaker 8: developed the mindset, well, I don't need you and I
Speaker 8: don't want you, and I can do this on my own,
Speaker 8: and I'm gonna go to Cambodia and I'm going to
Speaker 8: go to Asia, and I don't need any of your
Speaker 8: money or any of your help, and I'm never working
Speaker 8: for you. And and I think that at the same time,
Speaker 8: like all I wanted was to be near her and
Speaker 8: to be her and looking.
Speaker 4: Up to her.
Speaker 8: And it wasn't until we finally started working together this
Speaker 8: entire past year that I obviously, I think it not
Speaker 8: only brought us closer in proximity, which helps, but I
Speaker 8: think the let them theory and using the let them
Speaker 8: theory with each other is actually what healed that entire separation,
Speaker 8: because I was finally able to let her be who
Speaker 8: she is without wanting to change her and without wanting to, like,
Speaker 8: without getting mad at her all the time because of little.
Speaker 4: Things that I thought we were annoying.
Speaker 8: Or I thought we're disrespectful, or I wanted her attention
Speaker 8: on me versus someone else. And so I think that
Speaker 8: it wasn't until I was able to say, let them
Speaker 8: and acknowledge.
Speaker 4: This is who she is.
Speaker 8: She's freaking crazy and pisses me off and is the
Speaker 8: creative and I'm like the OCD organization. So writing a
Speaker 8: book was very dramatic sometimes, but it wasn't until I
Speaker 8: was able to let her be who she is and
Speaker 8: accept it and have more compassion and more of a
Speaker 8: lens into everything that she goes through every day and
Speaker 8: how much work she actually does. Oh my gosh, Like
Speaker 8: when I joined the company, I couldn't even believe how
Speaker 8: many areas and how many people rely on her and
Speaker 8: how big the company is.
Speaker 4: And I, like my siblings don't know that. They would
Speaker 4: have never known that.
Speaker 8: They still probably will never know that because they don't
Speaker 8: see her in her everyday element.
Speaker 4: But again, I.
Speaker 8: Couldn't just let them, because then I felt, whenever you
Speaker 8: just let them, you can find yourself very lonely or
Speaker 8: without many friends because you feel superior.
Speaker 4: You're like, I'm better than them. Let them, I'm the
Speaker 4: bigger person. Let them. I don't have to do anything.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna sit in my silence. I'm gonna cut off this.
Speaker 8: Relationship, let them, let them, let them. I know I
Speaker 8: can't control you, but I'm not gonna do anything about it.
Speaker 4: But it wasn't until I started saying let me, like
Speaker 4: I am.
Speaker 8: I am in control of me and my mom's relationship.
Speaker 8: She's not in control of our relationship. I am, And
Speaker 8: so I need to show up differently. I need to
Speaker 8: be more open. I need to have more open arms.
Speaker 8: I need to let me. Except that she's going to
Speaker 8: rewrite the manuscript eleven times, and I'm going to let them,
Speaker 8: and I'm gonna let me.
Speaker 1: And the corresponding thing happened to me because again, it's
Speaker 1: about peace internally and what you can control, and it's
Speaker 1: about learning to allow people to be who they are
Speaker 1: and see them, perhaps for the very first time. And
Speaker 1: I think it's very easy. As a child, I know
Speaker 1: I did this with my parents to forget this is
Speaker 1: their first time being a human being, this is their
Speaker 1: parent that you can only give people what's been given
Speaker 1: to you. You can only meet someone as deeply as
Speaker 1: you've met yourself. And I think it was Oprah that
Speaker 1: tells a story about how you know if you're a
Speaker 1: person that needs a gallon of love and somebody has
Speaker 1: only a quarter cup to give. If they give you
Speaker 1: the quarter cup, they've given you everything. It just didn't
Speaker 1: feel adequate for what you needed, which is that mismatch
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. And so it creates so much more
Speaker 1: compassion because it forces you to really see people for
Speaker 1: who they are and who they aren't, not through the
Speaker 1: lens of judgment, but through acceptance. And then when you
Speaker 1: say they let me part, it is true. I am
Speaker 1: responsible for our relationship, just like she said, She's responsible
Speaker 1: because I'm responsible for the energy that I bring. Just
Speaker 1: like your grandfather said, I'm responsible for the peace inside me.
Speaker 1: Why on earth would I give it to this person?
Speaker 1: And so I'm going to take the power back because
Speaker 1: that's where the power lies. And so what I started
Speaker 1: to notice, because just like my creativity and ADHD drives
Speaker 1: are absolutely bananas her intensity and the Excel spreadsheets and
Speaker 1: the this is like, I can't think like that. And
Speaker 1: then she would get all front and I'd be like,
Speaker 1: let her, let her go upstairs to a room and
Speaker 1: remove herself because she needs to, and let me not
Speaker 1: go try to solve this. And what I also noticed
Speaker 1: is that when I wasn't so frustrated or there wasn't
Speaker 1: a lot of tension between us, I actually saw what
Speaker 1: I wanted, which was I wanted to hug her. I
Speaker 1: wanted to go check on her, not through a place
Speaker 1: of changing, but through loving.
Speaker 2: One of the things that I keep feeling as I'm
Speaker 2: looking at both of you, but particularly you Sawyer, is
Speaker 2: that the whole the Rich Shoes and at the end
Speaker 2: of the Wizard of Oz and when she was told
Speaker 2: that it was within you, all alone, exactly all your
Speaker 2: powers always yeah, And so that I feel like the journey,
Speaker 2: even that you've been on up into this point, one
Speaker 2: of the things I just want to say to you,
Speaker 2: I just you know that the power has been within
Speaker 2: you all of the Thank.
Speaker 3: You, grab a refill on your coffee or tea, because
Speaker 3: you won't want to miss the rest of this conversation.
Speaker 5: We'll be right back. You're listening to my legacy.
Speaker 3: We're back with Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer Andre.
Speaker 5: Go ahead and take it away.
Speaker 2: Okay, So menopause is having a well deserved moment, right
Speaker 2: and gen X and younger women are really starting to
Speaker 2: have a conversation about everything that goes with it and
Speaker 2: to know that we need answers. So as you are
Speaker 2: someone that's asking all of the experts and all of
Speaker 2: those aging questions that so many women have been too
Speaker 2: embarrassed to ask for too long, I think that we
Speaker 2: think that everything stops at childbearing and that's it. And
Speaker 2: then you know, so, how have you seen this empower
Speaker 2: your listeners? And then what have you heard from them?
Speaker 1: This is an excellent question. So just to give you
Speaker 1: a sense of just how important of a topic this is,
Speaker 1: Apple just named an episode that we did on menopause
Speaker 1: with one of the leading female doctors on it as
Speaker 1: the number two most downloaded and shared episode of any
Speaker 1: podcast anywhere in the world of the year this year.
Speaker 1: And the reason why this is important is because there
Speaker 1: is every single day. I think their research is eight
Speaker 1: thousand women in our menopause. And what I didn't know
Speaker 1: because this is like a gigantic what how could I
Speaker 1: get through life? And not no simple facts like this,
Speaker 1: Like I had no idea that women were not actually
Speaker 1: included in clinical research until the nineteen eighties because of
Speaker 1: our hormones are fluctuating, so it can throw off clinical
Speaker 1: t trials, and even to this day, they mostly use
Speaker 1: women that are postmenopausal so that our hormones are not impacted.
Speaker 1: And so the drugs that we're taking are almost like
Speaker 1: golf tees. The guys get the ones that are a
Speaker 1: little bigger and then we move the dosage up, but
Speaker 1: we're not actually looking at the impact on hormones, so
Speaker 1: that's a problem. Second thing that blew my mind is
Speaker 1: that if you think about a woman's body, every single
Speaker 1: organ of a woman's body has receptors for estrogen. Estrogen
Speaker 1: is like the oil in a car. It runs everything.
Speaker 1: And women used to have a lifespan that was less
Speaker 1: than fifty years old, which is why if you look
Speaker 1: at the hormone kind of ranges of women, we peak
Speaker 1: in terms of the natural estrogen that's created in our
Speaker 1: bodies right around the child bearing years. And if you
Speaker 1: look at like life expectancy rates way back in the day. Well,
Speaker 1: most women die before they are fifty anyways, So if
Speaker 1: all the estrogen is gone, who cares because she doesn't
Speaker 1: need it because she's dead. But by the time a
Speaker 1: woman turns, and I'm gonna get the numbers wrong, but
Speaker 1: it's something like forty years old, you have one percent
Speaker 1: of the estrogen in your body left. If your brain
Speaker 1: requires estrogen, if your muscles require estrogen, if your heart,
Speaker 1: if every part of your body has a receptor for estrogen,
Speaker 1: you want to know why it does because it needs
Speaker 1: it to run. And so women for years have been
Speaker 1: wondering why on Earth After I have kids, am I
Speaker 1: itchy and dry and grumpy and I can't remember things?
Speaker 1: And my body temperature is like like I literally, if
Speaker 1: I'm in a cold climate and I have a hot flash,
Speaker 1: you can actually see smoke coming off my skin like
Speaker 1: it's and I'm like, I'm not mad at you, Chris,
Speaker 1: I'm just like hot, honey. And so hearing this information,
Speaker 1: it suddenly makes sense. I'm not crazy. The body that
Speaker 1: I'm in actually has out lived the evolution of the
Speaker 1: way it's designed. And so one of the reasons why
Speaker 1: hormone replacement therapy, if it is safe for you and
Speaker 1: for the majority of women, it is is so revolutionaries
Speaker 1: because you're actually just putting oil back in the body
Speaker 1: so it can run correctly. And it starts to make
Speaker 1: sense if you think about it that way. And for
Speaker 1: too long women have been told that they're crazy, or
Speaker 1: that they're this, or that they're making their symptoms up
Speaker 1: or this or that or the other thing, and we're
Speaker 1: not crazy. And thankfully women are now talking about this.
Speaker 1: Doctors are going through training because you know, doctor Mary
Speaker 1: Claire Haveer, who is the person that came on, who
Speaker 1: is the medical expert you know, basically said when I
Speaker 1: was an obgen going through medical training, we literally had
Speaker 1: like a couple paragraphs in a textbook to medical school
Speaker 1: even for the clinical rotations being an obgentant. People just
Speaker 1: didn't even know. And it turns out the research from
Speaker 1: ten years ago that scared everybody to death about replacement
Speaker 1: therapy was largely overblown and not correct, and it has
Speaker 1: been mostly pulled back, and so women haven't been given
Speaker 1: the information. And as you know, women of color and
Speaker 1: from different ethnic backgrounds have even more discrimination toward them
Speaker 1: in terms of how these things impact you based on
Speaker 1: your DNA, based on your your heritage, based on your
Speaker 1: skin color, based on access to care, and so.
Speaker 2: Based on how you treated when you go to care.
Speaker 2: Your symptoms are even at women of color, black women,
Speaker 2: your symptoms are even less. If you think that white
Speaker 2: women are not heard, Yes, the symptoms are just not
Speaker 2: even acknowledged.
Speaker 1: Yes. And so one of the things that I am
Speaker 1: hopeful about is that, you know, when I launched the
Speaker 1: podcasts that I have, I just had this vision walk
Speaker 1: with a friend. You know, when you take a walk
Speaker 1: with a friend, you and I know we're gonna be
Speaker 1: walking and talking a lot, a lot, a lot. You know,
Speaker 1: we will be sharing all kinds of stuff that you're
Speaker 1: not gonna be happy about. My husband's not gonna be having.
Speaker 1: We're to be talking about our daughters and swapping stories
Speaker 1: and advice, and we're both going to leave feeling better.
Speaker 1: We're both going to feel like we have something we
Speaker 1: want to try or do. We both feel like somebody
Speaker 1: heard us and validated how we feel. And that's all
Speaker 1: I wanted the podcast to be. And I also was
Speaker 1: excited to put it in Boston because it literally is
Speaker 1: the world's home of higher education, and how cool would
Speaker 1: it be to have all of these people that are
Speaker 1: teaching the classes and in the labs, hop on the
Speaker 1: bikes and come on over. And that's what's been happening.
Speaker 1: And so to have doctors that the majority of us
Speaker 1: wouldn't even be able to get an appointment with to
Speaker 1: come and share information that every human being deserves and
Speaker 1: has a right to have access to. We're talking about
Speaker 1: information that helps you live a healthy and happy life,
Speaker 1: which is exactly what you're doing here. You are democratizing
Speaker 1: information that every human being deserves to live a filled, healthy,
Speaker 1: dignified life. And you're opening up the potential of the
Speaker 1: legacy that somebody leaves through how they live it. And
Speaker 1: if you can help people do better for themselves, for
Speaker 1: the people that they care about, for their communities, you
Speaker 1: are creating this ripple effect. And so for women, we
Speaker 1: are waking up and realizing, wait a minute, like I
Speaker 1: don't have to like you're gonna have to say let
Speaker 1: them because you get angry, right, But the power is
Speaker 1: not in somebody else being wrong. The power isn't going Okay, well,
Speaker 1: let me focus on what I'm going to think, do
Speaker 1: and say, and if this idiot is not treating me
Speaker 1: the way I need to. I can leave any appointment,
Speaker 1: I can leave any medical office. I can leave any
Speaker 1: dining room table, any text chain, any interview, any date,
Speaker 1: at any time, and I do not have to sit
Speaker 1: here and listen to somebody in a white coat tell
Speaker 1: me something that you know is not the way I
Speaker 1: want to hear it. I have the power to leave
Speaker 1: this conversation and go talk to somebody else. I have
Speaker 1: the power to listen to this podcast and to learn
Speaker 1: what I need to learn from somebody that has studied
Speaker 1: this stuff. And so I'm really excited because the work
Speaker 1: that you're doing and some of the topics that we're
Speaker 1: covering are truly giving people the information that they need
Speaker 1: in order to change their lives for the better. Because
Speaker 1: again going back to why am I so driven to
Speaker 1: be a person that is warm and that is sharing
Speaker 1: information and using my life and my struggles and the
Speaker 1: things that I wish were better or that I'm screwing
Speaker 1: up as the canvas upon which I'm trying to help
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to heal and do better myself, is
Speaker 1: because if you don't know, you can't make it better.
Speaker 1: If you don't know what the actual problem is, how
Speaker 1: on Earth are you going to solve it? And so
Speaker 1: whether it is for me being dyslexic and ADHD and
Speaker 1: not getting diagnosed until I was forty seven, and I
Speaker 1: was diagnosed the same way the majority of women are
Speaker 1: diagnosed because my son was going through the evaluations at
Speaker 1: school and I started going, oh, I looked for a
Speaker 1: whole on me, And sure enough, it turns out I
Speaker 1: didn't actually ever have anxiety. I had dyslexia and ADHD,
Speaker 1: and nobody knew it because in the nineteen seventies when
Speaker 1: they were studying ADHD, they only studied boys, and boys
Speaker 1: present jumpie, and they have symptoms that are the exact
Speaker 1: opposite of girls. Girls get quiet, they start to get
Speaker 1: very very inward and hyperfocusing. Yes, so you miss it
Speaker 1: because they can lock in and you're like, well, that
Speaker 1: kid doesn't have ADHD. And so there is a huge
Speaker 1: generation of women, almost thirty years of us who were
Speaker 1: diagnosed with anxiety, and our teens in our twenties, and
Speaker 1: the real issue was dyslexia. The real issue is anxiety,
Speaker 1: and this is so sad, and we can actually change this.
Speaker 1: And I also think a lot about the fact I
Speaker 1: was a public defender when I came out of law school.
Speaker 1: I for legal aid in New York City. And the
Speaker 1: majority of people in prison have a learning disability. And
Speaker 1: if you do not have an adult figure out what
Speaker 1: you are struggling with, what adults do is they label
Speaker 1: you a problem. And when somebody is exhibiting challenging behavior,
Speaker 1: which you do, if you're sitting in a classroom and
Speaker 1: your brain doesn't learn the way that people's brains learn,
Speaker 1: or you can't communicate what you need, adults punish people
Speaker 1: who are challenging. And the fact is people do well
Speaker 1: in the can kids in particular. And it's not an
Speaker 1: issue of motivation or capability or willpower. It's an issue
Speaker 1: of skills that are missing and simple problems that need
Speaker 1: to be solved. And so if you can change one
Speaker 1: person's life because they listen to this and they share
Speaker 1: it with somebody, then that's an incredible thing to do
Speaker 1: with your life. And if my story and my struggles
Speaker 1: and you know, look, I am happy to have struggled.
Speaker 1: Even though I caused myself pain. I do not regret that.
Speaker 1: I do wish I hadn't caused other people pain. But
Speaker 1: if I can struggle for as long as I did,
Speaker 1: with anxiety and with patterns of behavior that were very
Speaker 1: painful to me and painful to other people because I
Speaker 1: didn't know the core problems. But then I learn about it,
Speaker 1: and now I can share it with millions of people.
Speaker 1: I will take that every day. I'll take the hit.
Speaker 3: We'll be back shortly with more from this inspiring conversation.
Speaker 2: What does it shall be mean to you?
Speaker 1: It shall be? My husband and I got tattoos on
Speaker 1: our fifteenth wedding an versary and I was like, we're
Speaker 1: gonna get matching tattoos. You know we're not. And so Chris,
Speaker 1: of course, going in he had figured his out and
Speaker 1: I was panic stricken because I could not figure out
Speaker 1: what to do.
Speaker 4: And his was really good.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, he won, and I was so annoyed once
Speaker 1: he told me because it was so good.
Speaker 8: He has he has the tattoo right here and it
Speaker 8: says one gate. And he used to be a ski
Speaker 8: racer growing up, and his dad always used to tell him,
Speaker 8: who passed away in two thousand and seven, always used
Speaker 8: to tell him, just take one gate like a ski
Speaker 8: gate at a time, Just take one gate at a time,
Speaker 8: Just take one gate at a time. And he translated
Speaker 8: that to like one day, one moment, one second, and
Speaker 8: he is like the most calm Buddhist zen person I've
Speaker 8: ever been. Really, yes, so present, he's a death doula.
Speaker 8: He's so incredible. But he took letters from his dad
Speaker 8: and gotten oh and gotten in and got an eve
Speaker 8: and got a gee and got it morphed together and
Speaker 8: put on his on his arm.
Speaker 1: And of course, being the bitch that I am, when
Speaker 1: he came and told me that profound story and you've
Speaker 1: got your hand over your heart, I was like, oh.
Speaker 8: What am I going to do?
Speaker 1: If I had heard it back then, I would have
Speaker 1: been able to regulate myself like me.
Speaker 6: Exactly.
Speaker 1: And so I was just panic stricken because we were
Speaker 1: about to go to the appointment and a friends and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I still don't know what to get, and
Speaker 1: she goes, you should get it. She'll be I'm like why,
Speaker 1: And she said, will you say that all the time?
Speaker 1: I said, what do you mean? She said, oh, you
Speaker 1: always tell me if you just put your head down
Speaker 1: and you chip away at it and you give up
Speaker 1: your timeline, it shall be. I didn't even know I
Speaker 1: said it. And so then we get to the tattoo
Speaker 1: parlor so I'm like, okay, I do that, and I
Speaker 1: realized I didn't have a font. So then I'm on
Speaker 1: their laptop looking at the drop down menu on word,
Speaker 1: like what should I do?
Speaker 3: And that was may I actually a moment because it's
Speaker 3: words and I have one to.
Speaker 7: These are imagining family so we can capture.
Speaker 1: Well, mine's on my wrist.
Speaker 4: And mine's on the side of my right.
Speaker 1: Beautiful, so you have three almost like the Bethlehem Star.
Speaker 2: So your dad your acual like everybody.
Speaker 8: The whole experience was inspired by my grandmother, my dad's mom,
Speaker 8: who she is shout out to JJ. She is actually
Speaker 8: the grandmother I went to Cambodia with and taught English with.
Speaker 4: And she is eighty seven years old.
Speaker 8: She's literally walks four miles every single day.
Speaker 4: She's four eleven.
Speaker 8: She is the energy of a firecracker. She is the
Speaker 8: most amazing human being in the world.
Speaker 4: And she had a friend of hers who.
Speaker 8: Is dying, was dying and she asked her friend, what
Speaker 8: do you think happens when you die? And without with
Speaker 8: all conviction, her friend had said, I'm going to be
Speaker 8: a star, and I'm going to be a star. All
Speaker 8: of us are going to be stars. If you look
Speaker 8: up at the sky at night, there's billions and billions
Speaker 8: and billions of stars. And the reason behind that is
Speaker 8: because when you go up and you become a star,
Speaker 8: a star, you can then look over all of your
Speaker 8: family members, and shooting stars are stars that travel to
Speaker 8: other people to see different people. And so then JJ
Speaker 8: was like, I'm going to get a star tattooed on me.
Speaker 8: And she's eighty seven and so first tattoo. And so
Speaker 8: then of course when she told me, I was like, well,
Speaker 8: I need to get a star because I'm going to
Speaker 8: be a star and you're going to be a star.
Speaker 8: And then so all five of us, our entire family, Me, Mom, Dad, Oakley,
Speaker 8: Kendall and JJ, we all got our tattoo appointment and
Speaker 8: went and we all have different stars yep.
Speaker 1: And then I put our whole family like, so I
Speaker 1: have this, I have a Sawyer star in an Oakley
Speaker 1: and Chris and me and and.
Speaker 4: I have one star and five dots for every single
Speaker 4: one of the.
Speaker 2: Well, it's one of my best friends who she actually
Speaker 2: is a death doula really and she was with my
Speaker 2: mom when my mom passed, and it was the most
Speaker 2: incredible gift that anyone could give to give us. And
Speaker 2: she also has something she created called Star Day and
Speaker 2: it's it's when you celebrate your ancestors on the day
Speaker 2: that they went to go back to live in the stars.
Speaker 2: So I need to get you wrote a children's book
Speaker 2: and it's and so yeah, I'm telling you we are well, well,
Speaker 2: you know, I'll get you the whole book and it's
Speaker 2: all about that. And then you celebrate that day that
Speaker 2: they went back to be in the stars, and so
Speaker 2: you you eat their favorite food and you you talked about.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I love that.
Speaker 4: I love you.
Speaker 8: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 6: Great concept.
Speaker 7: Well, something that we are contemplating a lot and would
Speaker 7: love to get your theory on is the difference between
Speaker 7: the Western concept of happiness versus fulfillment and fulfillment as
Speaker 7: a source from within, a source from love, and the
Speaker 7: Western concept of happiness is this treadmill that we can
Speaker 7: ever often ever achieve because we're always seeking the next thing.
Speaker 1: Well, the cool thing about the distinction that I'm going
Speaker 1: to share with you is that it comes from someone's research.
Speaker 1: And the person I'm going to cite is doctor Tall
Speaker 1: Ben Shahar. It was one of the kind of original
Speaker 1: rockstar happiness professors at one of the Ivy League schools,
Speaker 1: and he has this concept that I love because happiness.
Speaker 1: What we get wrong about it is we believe that
Speaker 1: there is a thing out there that will make you
Speaker 1: happy all the time. And the problem with that is
Speaker 1: once you get the thing, your happiness or your excitement
Speaker 1: or enthusiasm, whatever you call it, just disappears right away
Speaker 1: because you got the thing. And we have this relentless
Speaker 1: need to feel good. So we're constantly looking out there
Speaker 1: and we think, well, maybe the car, or maybe you know,
Speaker 1: it's the boyfriend or the girlfriend, or maybe it's a
Speaker 1: certain dollar in the bank, or maybe it's a certain
Speaker 1: number on the scale, or it's a certain friend group
Speaker 1: or whatever that is going to create this feeling inside
Speaker 1: me that I sow not only want, but you actually
Speaker 1: deserve to feel good in your life. But we're going
Speaker 1: about it wrong. And so he basically says, anytime you
Speaker 1: want something out there, it's like staring at the sun
Speaker 1: if you look directly at the sun, just like you
Speaker 1: look directly at your bank account and say I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be happy if I have a million dollars in that
Speaker 1: bank account. You're going to get sun spots, and you're
Speaker 1: going to be blinded and you're going to be miserable
Speaker 1: as you're trying to get it, because because you're going
Speaker 1: to think you're only going to feel good once you
Speaker 1: get there. Instead, he says, I want you to take
Speaker 1: the sun and put it through a prism and it
Speaker 1: creates a rainbow. And when you realize that that's what's
Speaker 1: available to you right now, that's what you can bring
Speaker 1: into your life right now, that it's not really out there.
Speaker 1: It's all the things that you can take in and
Speaker 1: bring in here that truly create fulfillment.
Speaker 4: So sorrya Martan.
Speaker 6: What's one thing you'd want your mom to know about
Speaker 6: the impact she's had on your life.
Speaker 4: So much?
Speaker 8: But the first thing that came to mind is, I
Speaker 8: think growing up, I thought that my legacy was being
Speaker 8: mel Robinson's daughter, and I think in writing this book together.
Speaker 4: And just getting to spend so much time.
Speaker 8: With you, but it's actually a lot bigger than that,
Speaker 8: and it's the Latin theory and it's so many more
Speaker 8: things that I have not achieved, and so thank you
Speaker 8: for opening that vision for me.
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you, and you know what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you, Oh God, I had the easy part.
Speaker 1: I just had to learn to create the space for
Speaker 1: you to see it yourself. Proud of you, I.
Speaker 3: Gotta say, I got three kids and so just listening
Speaker 3: to you and.
Speaker 5: Away a lot for work.
Speaker 3: To see the two of you, as you said, go
Speaker 3: through your journey, but be at this incredibly strong place together,
Speaker 3: to see you work together, create together. To hear the
Speaker 3: love in your voice. Oh my god, I love the
Speaker 3: honesty and everything about the conversation. Love them for who
Speaker 3: they are, and love them for who they are not
Speaker 3: my god. I think we can all reflect on that
Speaker 3: with our family and friends. Can't control others, you know,
Speaker 3: we just need to let them and to let me.
Speaker 5: I love that.
Speaker 3: And you can only meet someone as deeply as you've
Speaker 3: met yourself. And it has been such a gift for
Speaker 3: all of us to spend so much time with both
Speaker 3: of you and to have this extraordinary experience as mother
Speaker 3: and daughter and friend and co journeer on this together.
Speaker 3: So thank you to both of you for leaving an
Speaker 3: extraordinary legacy. Every single day.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you for this experience. So what a
Speaker 1: beautiful experience that you've created for us to be able
Speaker 1: to dig deeper into our own experience and what we've learned,
Speaker 1: sometimes a hard way, always always amazing. Wow.
Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. We are so grateful to
Speaker 2: have you as part of this journey. If you enjoy
Speaker 2: today's conversation, subscribe and share the podcast with friends, family,
Speaker 2: and loved ones, and follow us on social media. You
Speaker 2: can find us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok at my
Speaker 2: Legacy Movement. You can also subscribe to our YouTube channel
Speaker 2: at my Legacy Movement. At the heart of this podcast
Speaker 2: is doctor King's vision of the beloved community and the
Speaker 2: power of connection. Produced by Legacy Plus Studio in partnership
Speaker 2: with iHeartRadio creator and executive producer Suzanne Hayward, co executive
Speaker 2: producer Lisa Lyle, editing an av by Garcia creator. My
Speaker 2: Legacy podcast is available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever
Speaker 2: you get your podcasts. Until next time, may you find
Speaker 2: connection and inspiration to live your most fulfilled life.