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Speaker 1: I didn't learn as till I was fifty four years old.

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Speaker 1: If I had known this way back when, I would

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Speaker 1: literally not have been a walking red flag for most

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Speaker 1: of my life. I would not have taken my stress

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Speaker 1: out on my family. I would have been more peaceful

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Speaker 1: and more powerful because I had no idea how much

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Speaker 1: power I'd given to other people.

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Speaker 2: And that was the incredible male Robbins with a powerful

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Speaker 2: realization that reshaped our relationships, her family, and even her

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Speaker 2: sense of self. And she's about to share it with us.

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Speaker 2: This is My Legacy a podcast hosted by me and

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Speaker 2: my husband, Martin Luther King, the third oldest son of

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Speaker 2: doctor Martin Luther King Junior and Coretta Scott King. Together

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Speaker 2: we're caring for their iconic legacy of equality, peace and

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Speaker 2: justice for all. Plus we're joined by our good friends

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Speaker 2: New York Times best selling authors Mark and Craig Kilberger.

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Speaker 2: Last week we began an unforgettable conversation with mel and

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Speaker 2: her daughter Sawyer. It's the first interview they've ever done together,

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Speaker 2: and we were all a part of it. It was raw,

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Speaker 2: emotional and filled with moments that had all of us laughing, crying,

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Speaker 2: and rethinking the way we approached love, family, and forgiveness.

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Speaker 2: If you thought part one was eye opening, get ready

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Speaker 2: for part two, as Mel reveals her transformative let Them theory,

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Speaker 2: how it healed her and Sawyer's relationship, and her invaluable

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Speaker 2: wisdom for overcoming heartbreak. Let's pick up right where we

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Speaker 2: left off. Welcome to my legacy.

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Speaker 3: Mel, your new book, The Left Them Theory. It encourages

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Speaker 3: people to just let control go over other people's choices.

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Speaker 3: And the part that I love is that you said

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Speaker 3: it helped to heal and fortify your relationship with your daughter.

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Speaker 3: Can you share both the theory and how it brought

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Speaker 3: you closer together?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely so. The leat thein theory is a simple mindset

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Speaker 1: tool that helps you identify, literally in a moment, what's

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Speaker 1: in your control and what's not in your control, and

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Speaker 1: the way that you use it is very simple. If

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Speaker 1: you're in a situation and some other person is stressing

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Speaker 1: you out or upsetting you or offending you, or you're

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Speaker 1: worried about them, or they're treating you poorly, you literally

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Speaker 1: say let them because the number one thing in life

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Speaker 1: that you will never ever, ever ever be able to

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Speaker 1: control is another human being. You can't control what they think.

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Speaker 1: You can't control what they do. You cannot control how

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Speaker 1: they feel, period, And any psychologists will tell you that

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Speaker 1: any time that you spend trying to only makes you

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Speaker 1: feel more stressed, out, frustrated, and out of control and

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Speaker 1: the problem for all of us. And I didn't learn

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Speaker 1: this so I was fifty four years old. If I

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Speaker 1: had known this way back when, I would literally not

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Speaker 1: have been a walking red flag for most of my life.

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Speaker 1: I would not have taken my stress out of my family,

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Speaker 1: have been more peaceful and more powerful because I had

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Speaker 1: no idea how much power I'd given to other people,

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Speaker 1: and neither nobody does, because we don't understand how we're

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Speaker 1: turning other people into the problem. And I've got very

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Speaker 1: important and exciting information, and it says, if you feel

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Speaker 1: tired in life, if you are frustrated, if you're stuck,

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Speaker 1: if you're stressed out, if you feel like you never

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Speaker 1: have time for yourself, if you're just not as happy

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Speaker 1: as you'd like to be, the problem isn't you. The

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Speaker 1: problem is you're unknowingly giving power to other people, and

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Speaker 1: you do it in four ways. You allow them to

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Speaker 1: stress you out, you worry about and you manage what

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Speaker 1: they're thinking. You navigate your life based on their moods

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Speaker 1: and their opinions and their disappointment and their guilt and

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Speaker 1: their expectations, and you paralyze yourself because you're chronically comparing

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Speaker 1: yourself to them and telling yourself that if they're successful

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Speaker 1: or they're this, then I can't have it, and it's

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Speaker 1: simply not true. And what the let them theory does

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Speaker 1: is that any situation that you're in, and you're going

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Speaker 1: to use it with your family more than anybody, because

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Speaker 1: I think family teaches you how to love people you

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Speaker 1: hate sometimes, right, you gotta let them because you're not

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Speaker 1: going to change them. And what you will learn as

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Speaker 1: you start to use this is people only change when

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Speaker 1: they feel like changing. People only change when they're ready

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Speaker 1: to change. People only change when they're ready to do

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Speaker 1: the hard work to change. And the other piece that

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Speaker 1: you have to embrace is that we think worrying about

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Speaker 1: or pressuring or judging or pushing people to change motivates

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Speaker 1: people to change. It's actually the opposite. If you look

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Speaker 1: at the wiring of a human being, everybody has a

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Speaker 1: fundamental need for control. When you're in control of what

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Speaker 1: you're thinking about in your decisions and your future and

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Speaker 1: the environment that you're in, you actually feel safe. And

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Speaker 1: the problem is if Martin's doing something that is worrying now,

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Speaker 1: his behavior is something I want to control. But Martin

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Speaker 1: has the same need to control his life as I do.

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Speaker 1: So when I start to push on Martin or suggests

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Speaker 1: that Martin should do this or should do that, what

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Speaker 1: does Martin do? Martin pushes back because he needs to

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Speaker 1: be in control. And I didn't realize that I was

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Speaker 1: creating so much unnecessary friction and frustration and distance with

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Speaker 1: people in my life. I didn't realize how much time

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Speaker 1: and energy I was losing, because you know, let's just

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Speaker 1: take a simple example. You're at the grocery store and

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Speaker 1: there's five people in front of you and there's one cashier.

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Speaker 1: We've all been there, right, yes, And immediately the stress

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Speaker 1: rises up inside you. And then all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: you get agitated, and then you start thinking why are

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Speaker 1: they not calling it? And then you're looking around, and

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Speaker 1: then you start thinking you can run the store better

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Speaker 1: than anybody, right, And now let's just stop and actually

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Speaker 1: really look at what this is. This is you giving

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Speaker 1: power to something that you do not control and When

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Speaker 1: you do that, a number of things happen. Number one,

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Speaker 1: did you notice as the stress goes up, your life

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Speaker 1: force energy goes out. So you are allowing stupid, meaningless,

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Speaker 1: all kinds of irritating people that are beneath you and

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Speaker 1: not worth your time and energy. You are allowing it

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Speaker 1: to exhaust you, and you don't have to. And the

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Speaker 1: solution is just to say let them, and immediately you

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Speaker 1: feel peace because what you're doing is you're tapping into

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Speaker 1: a tremendous like I feel like I've got everybody's ancestors

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Speaker 1: with me. Because this is an application of stoicism, of Buddhism,

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Speaker 1: of radical acceptance, of detachment, theory of literally not reacting

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Speaker 1: and staying in your piece, and then something interesting happens.

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Speaker 1: You say the second part, which is let me, let

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Speaker 1: me remind myself that in any situation, I have power

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Speaker 1: because there are three things I can control. I can

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Speaker 1: control what I think about. Next, I can control what

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Speaker 1: I do or I don't do. Because you can leave

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Speaker 1: the supermarket. You could if you never have time to

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Speaker 1: talk to your friends, you could pick up the phone

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Speaker 1: and call your friend or your grandma. You could practice meditation.

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Speaker 1: You could say a prayer if you say, let me

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Speaker 1: and remind yourself that you have power, right, And so

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Speaker 1: that's what it is.

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Speaker 2: And also you said, you know all of these different ancestors,

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Speaker 2: you're bringing in the ancestor of Martin Luther King junior

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Speaker 2: in the whole civil rights movement. Yes, because I think

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Speaker 2: what people also forget is that when you're talking about

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Speaker 2: the lunch counters, when you're talking about the freedom.

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Speaker 1: Writers, yes they trained. Yes, you know, they.

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Speaker 2: Didn't just go in you know, and so and I'll

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Speaker 2: be non reactious.

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Speaker 4: Yes, and it was a.

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Speaker 2: Lot of what exactly that you're talking about, and let

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Speaker 2: them like this is like they're going to do this. Yes,

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Speaker 2: I you know, I choose, I choose how then I

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Speaker 2: will respond to that. And what I also think is

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Speaker 2: important is like you have to it is training.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it is.

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Speaker 2: It is you know, you have to think about it

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Speaker 2: and you have to.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it is disciplined. And here's the other thing it

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Speaker 1: is because a lot of people hear this and then

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Speaker 1: they'll say, wait, you're just allowing people to walk all

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Speaker 1: over you, You're allowing people to abuse you. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, it's the opposite, because you're actually allowing it. Now,

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Speaker 1: when you say let them, it's almost like you're allowing

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Speaker 1: it without allowing it, because you're saying, I see the

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Speaker 1: reality here, and I see that I can't control this,

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Speaker 1: and so I choose my response because I know I

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Speaker 1: do have power. And oftentimes the best response is no response.

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Speaker 1: The response is peace. And we give too much energy

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Speaker 1: and too much fear into things we can't control, and

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Speaker 1: in doing so, we blind ourselves to the fact that

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Speaker 1: you always have control. And whether you're talking about a

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Speaker 1: family dynamic, or you're talking about a community, or you're

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Speaker 1: talking about a world at large, I see. I find

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Speaker 1: it just so sad and fascinating that we always let

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Speaker 1: the most challenging and toxic behavior seem to get all

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Speaker 1: the power. But I actually think the opposite is true.

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Speaker 1: I believe that the person that is peaceful, I believe

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Speaker 1: that the person that understands their power. I believe the

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Speaker 1: person who actually constantly reminds themselves, wait a minute, I

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Speaker 1: have power here because I have power over my thoughts,

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Speaker 1: I have power over my actions. I have power over

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Speaker 1: how I allow my emotions to rise and fall. And

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Speaker 1: it's inside that power that any single person can change

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Speaker 1: something for the better.

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Speaker 2: You know, that's what because you're responding and not reacting. Yes,

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Speaker 2: and responding is when you come from a place of power.

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Speaker 1: Yes. And it's also how you take personal responsibility. Let's

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Speaker 1: talk about responsibility, because the word responsibility is just the

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Speaker 1: ability to respond and everybody has that. And so when

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Speaker 1: you really remind yourself of that, now you can be

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Speaker 1: the person that changes everything. Because it just takes one

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Speaker 1: person to change the energy and dynamic in a family.

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Speaker 1: It takes one person who cares enough to change the

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Speaker 1: politics in a country. It takes one person to just

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Speaker 1: shift everything. And if you don't like where you're at,

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Speaker 1: or you don't like where your family's at, or you

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Speaker 1: don't like something in a relationship, or you don't like

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Speaker 1: something in the world at large, that one person is you.

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Speaker 1: And as long as you give your time and energy,

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Speaker 1: and you give other people power their opinions, there all

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Speaker 1: of it that none of what you can control. You

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Speaker 1: are not present to the power you actually have and

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Speaker 1: the time and the energy that you need to create

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Speaker 1: the change that you're capable of changing.

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Speaker 5: Two thoughts come to mind as you're speaking. One of them.

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Speaker 3: It's like the serenity prayers my grandmother would always say.

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Speaker 3: Our grandmother would alway talk about, you know, change the

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Speaker 3: things you can, you know, forget the things you can't.

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Speaker 3: Was the difference. But the second thought that came through

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Speaker 3: my mind was as you talked about that, the lack

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Speaker 3: of reaction. It is like the nonviolence movement. Nonviolence is

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Speaker 3: not non action, and the let them is that power

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Speaker 3: to not let the negative drive your choices. But in fact,

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Speaker 3: even under the toughest circumstances, you have the ability still

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Speaker 3: to respond. And Martin, I think of the most extraordinary thing.

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Speaker 3: I think one of the most extraordinary acts of courage.

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Speaker 3: Wasn't only your dad, there's also your grandfather.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, so I think everyone knows that my father was

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Speaker 6: assassinated I was ten years old. My father's mother was

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Speaker 6: also assassinated in the church while playing the Lord's prayer.

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Speaker 6: And again my grandfather, as a minister, had been preaching forgiveness.

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Speaker 6: It's one thing to preach that, but then to have

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Speaker 6: to practice it and exemplify it. Because you've gone through

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Speaker 6: this situation, you're telling all your parishioners, yes, because you

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Speaker 6: can say that, but now you can say, from a

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Speaker 6: personal standpoint, I haven't impacted. But this is the way

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Speaker 6: I choose. I choose to forgive, I choose to continue

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Speaker 6: to show up in love. And he did that many

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Speaker 6: in many ways throughout his sermons, basically saying, I refuse

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Speaker 6: to allow a man that killed my lovely wife nor

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Speaker 6: my son to.

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Speaker 5: Reduce me to hatred.

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Speaker 6: I love everybody. I'm every man's brother. That was a

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Speaker 6: choice that impacted us directly, meaning my siblings and I

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Speaker 6: obviously my mom and siblings and I, even though we

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Speaker 6: had learned it as children, now we had to live

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Speaker 6: through it. And again a choice because we could have

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Speaker 6: chosen to be angry and hostile and hateful. This is

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Speaker 6: what I can control. This is how I'm gonna choose

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Speaker 6: to live my life, and hopefully it sets an example.

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Speaker 5: For others well.

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Speaker 7: And didn't let hatred come into his heart?

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Speaker 6: No, he did not.

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Speaker 5: He did not allow that.

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Speaker 2: One thing I do want to say that this reminds

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Speaker 2: me so much because when I speak, and I use

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Speaker 2: the story a lot as relates to our nation and world,

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Speaker 2: but I think it also relates to everything personal. And

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Speaker 2: I talk about the story of the two wolves, heard

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Speaker 2: that story, and I talk about the fact that that

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Speaker 2: little girl goes up to her grandmother and says that

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Speaker 2: you know, grandmother, that there is a war going on

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Speaker 2: inside of me. And there are these two wolves in

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Speaker 2: their battle, and I'm not sure which one is gonna win,

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Speaker 2: because one is full of anger and bitterness and hatred

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Speaker 2: and hostility, and yet there's another wolf that's full of

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Speaker 2: love and nobleness and peacefulness, and they're really out of battle,

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Speaker 2: and I grandmother tell me what to do.

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Speaker 4: Who's going to win?

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Speaker 2: And our grandmother looked at her and said, the wolf

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Speaker 2: that you feed. And I think that this reminds me

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Speaker 2: let them like, we get to choose what wolf are

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Speaker 2: we going to feed? We get to choose that in

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Speaker 2: the world, and that's the wolf that we'll win. And

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Speaker 2: we get to also choose that as individuals, and we

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Speaker 2: have to decide every day what wolf we're going to

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Speaker 2: be feeding.

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Speaker 3: More with Mel Robbins and her daughter about how their

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Speaker 3: new book transformed their relationship.

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Speaker 5: We'll be right back afterword from our partners.

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Speaker 3: We're back with Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer on

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Speaker 3: my legacy, Andre. The next question is yours.

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Speaker 2: Now, Sawyer, when you're writing this book together, you're actually

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Speaker 2: working on a relationship, chap or why you were going

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Speaker 2: through a breakup, correct, do you mind? Can you talk

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Speaker 2: just a little bit about that and maybe give someone

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Speaker 2: advice that is going through a very heart breakup. You know,

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Speaker 2: it's particularly when you're well at any age.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

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Speaker 8: So ironically, actually I was writing the breakup chapter, or

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Speaker 8: starting to write it, and that morning and then that

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Speaker 8: night I got broken up with And so then the

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Speaker 8: next morning I'm like, this is horrible.

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Speaker 4: I can't let them move on.

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Speaker 8: Rip delete, delete, delete, And but then I really thought

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Speaker 8: about it, and over the course of a few months, like,

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Speaker 8: I was so upset, and I think when someone goes

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Speaker 8: through a breakup, there.

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Speaker 4: Is no good advice.

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Speaker 8: There's no toolkit, there's no YouTube video, there is nothing

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Speaker 8: anyone can say to make you feel better. And what

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Speaker 8: people often tell you is the generic, oh, you just

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Speaker 8: have to learn to love yourself again, which at that point.

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Speaker 4: You hate yourself.

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Speaker 8: You feel ugly, you feel undesired, you feel unloved and rejected.

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Speaker 8: And so I really wanted, as we continued to write

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Speaker 8: this chapter together, to make sure that the person reading

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Speaker 8: it actually could put as Mal always does, but put

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Speaker 8: action towards it. It's not just some blank advice where

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Speaker 8: you don't actually know what to do, and so we

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Speaker 8: both have the same therapist and Davin smartest woman in

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Speaker 8: the world. And what Ann told me to do is well,

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Speaker 8: first she explained that when you go through a breakup

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Speaker 8: that it's actually you and your partner or your past partner.

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Speaker 8: Your bodies and your neurological makeup is intertwined, and so

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Speaker 8: actually what's happening is they're breaking patterns in your body.

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Speaker 8: And that impulse to text them fifteen times a day,

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Speaker 8: or feeling like they are sleeping next to you, or

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Speaker 8: you can hear them in the car, or you want

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Speaker 8: to call them and tell them about something, all of

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Speaker 8: those little impulses in your body are because the pattern

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Speaker 8: is so locked in and interwined that the process of

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Speaker 8: a breakup is actually about breaking those patterns in your body.

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Speaker 4: Yes, and it's so hardened.

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Speaker 8: So it's actually grief because when you go through a breakup,

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Speaker 8: it is the death of a future or a person.

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Speaker 4: That is no longer here.

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Speaker 8: And so I think as we were writing the breakup chapter,

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Speaker 8: I wanted to make sure that we had.

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Speaker 4: Really actual advice.

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Speaker 8: And so what I will tell to all of you

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Speaker 8: who are listening, if you are going through a breakup,

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Speaker 8: is first of all, you're not alone. And second of

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Speaker 8: all is I encourage you to do what me and

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Speaker 8: Mel call a thirty day rule. And the thirty day

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Speaker 8: rule or reset or all of that is basically to

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Speaker 8: cut contact for thirty days. And that doesn't just mean

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Speaker 8: don't reach out to them, don't text them. It means

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Speaker 8: you cannot look at any photos, any voice, memos.

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Speaker 4: Social media, no social media. You can snapchat and mute everything.

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Speaker 8: Because what happens, and this is what and described to me,

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Speaker 8: is that every single time you reach out to them,

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Speaker 8: or you hear their voice which is especially really bad,

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Speaker 8: or you're looking through past photos. Every single time you

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Speaker 8: do that, it re in states the neurological pathways in

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Speaker 8: your body to that convinces you that they are still

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Speaker 8: around and they're still in your life, and they're not

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Speaker 8: that life is no longer, and so you are basically

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Speaker 8: trying every time you connect with one of those items

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Speaker 8: or photos, it prolongs the heartbreak, It prolongs the grief,

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Speaker 8: and so we encourage everyone to do a thirty day

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Speaker 8: reset and do not reach out to them.

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Speaker 1: And that's where they let them comes in because you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to say how many times a day? Would

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Speaker 1: you say?

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Speaker 4: Let them like twenty times a day?

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Speaker 2: And then do you literally block because I know, like

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Speaker 2: okay mail. Back in our days, you know we could

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Speaker 2: just you know, you know, block the phone number or

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Speaker 2: not look at photos. So does that mean now for

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Speaker 2: your age our doors, does that mean no social media?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 4: So do you everything?

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Speaker 2: Do you physically block your social media?

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Speaker 1: Like just like you know, you can't it sober until

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Speaker 1: you quit drinking.

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Speaker 8: Wow.

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Speaker 1: And while you go through that process, your body's going

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Speaker 1: to go through withdrawal because you're learning how to live

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Speaker 1: life without it. And that's why you have to say,

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Speaker 1: let them, let them leave, let them move on, let

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Speaker 1: them hook up with somebody else, and let me remind

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Speaker 1: myself that they're gone. Let me remind myself that every

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Speaker 1: time I look at their location or I listen to

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Speaker 1: a voice memo, that I am keeping myself trapped in

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Speaker 1: a life that no longer exists. And so it is

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Speaker 1: a form of grief. And the hardest thing about being

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Speaker 1: a parent is that when you see somebody that you

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Speaker 1: love struggling, you would put yourself in front of a

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Speaker 1: moving car in order to take it away. But When

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Speaker 1: you do that, you basically communicate to somebody that I

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Speaker 1: don't believe you're strong enough to handle this. And so

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Speaker 1: I had to let her grieve. I had to let

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Speaker 1: her wear pajamas and sit in her bed for three days.

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Speaker 1: I had to let her ask me to remove him

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Speaker 1: from the digital camera rotation situation. And as I'm like

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Speaker 1: going pause, pause, because I'm even pausing it because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: maybe looking back together, maybe look at back, you know,

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Speaker 1: and so let them, let them, let them, and let

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Speaker 1: me remind myself that I cannot heal for her. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: let me remind myself that she is capable of moving

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Speaker 1: through this. Let me remind myself it's not my job

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Speaker 1: to take her pain away. It's my job to comfort

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Speaker 1: her in her pain.

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Speaker 8: And what I will also say why I think the

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Speaker 8: Latin theory is so powerful is obviously when you use it.

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Speaker 4: It's with my ex.

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Speaker 8: I was just saying let them constantly to myself, But

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Speaker 8: you can also use it in communication because at first

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Speaker 8: you are not so amazing.

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Speaker 4: As you described.

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Speaker 8: She was always trying to talk about it, always trying

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Speaker 8: to say are you okay?

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Speaker 4: Are you okay?

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Speaker 8: And I would say I am trying to let you,

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Speaker 8: let them, let you have your own process through this,

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Speaker 8: because I know you are also losing someone in your

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Speaker 8: life and something you.

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Speaker 4: And vision was going to happen.

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Speaker 8: And at the same time, I need you to let

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Speaker 8: me cry and be depressed and eat bond bonds every

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Speaker 8: single night and just leave me alone a little bit,

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Speaker 8: and I need you to let me take a break

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Speaker 8: and to not talk about it and to come to

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Speaker 8: you when I need you, and I promise I will.

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Speaker 8: And so I feel like you can also use it

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Speaker 8: in communication, which acknowledges what you want, but it also

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Speaker 8: acknowledges what I need and what I want.

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Speaker 3: Beautiful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it really brought us like and this is what

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Speaker 1: I mean, like the process of it, of writing this

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Speaker 1: book and researching this book, it really and using the

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Speaker 1: let them theory and exploring it around love and stress

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Speaker 1: and struggles and trying to change other people because that's

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Speaker 1: what we do, right. We want we, you know, wanting

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Speaker 1: someone to do better, wanting someone to be motivated, wanting

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Speaker 1: someone to forgive. That's a beautiful thing to see possibility

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Speaker 1: for someone else. That's not the problem. The problem is

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Speaker 1: how we go about it, and we don't realize we're

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Speaker 1: working against the wiring of human beings and when you

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Speaker 1: should push yourself, but when it comes to the people

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Speaker 1: in your life, you actually have to let them live

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Speaker 1: their lives because it creates space for true connection and

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Speaker 1: change to be. I mean, after all, love is truly

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Speaker 1: loving somebody for who they are and for who they're not.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of us live up here and we

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Speaker 1: really are living in the possibility and in the fantasy,

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Speaker 1: but we are not truly accepting and connecting with the

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Speaker 1: reality of the person that we wake up next to

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Speaker 1: or we sit across the table with. And all we

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Speaker 1: want is to feel like the people that are in

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Speaker 1: our lives actually see us for who we are. And

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Speaker 1: you know, do you want to know? And oftentimes it's true,

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Speaker 1: especially when we think we know best, and we underestimate

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Speaker 1: how hard people are already working. The hardest working person,

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Speaker 1: for example, in a classroom is not the kid getting a's.

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Speaker 1: It's the kid who's failing. The person who is actually

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Speaker 1: working the hardest on their weight is the person who's unhealthy.

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Speaker 1: People know when they're not thriving, People know when they're

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Speaker 1: not reaching their potential. People know when they're quietly quitting

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Speaker 1: on themselves. And so when you and I, with the

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Speaker 1: best of our intentions, keep going, why do you keep

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Speaker 1: dating these losers? Or can't you be more motivated, or

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Speaker 1: you know, why wouldn't you take better care of yourself?

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Speaker 1: That just adds more pressure on top of somebody who

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Speaker 1: already feels like they're not measuring up and they're in

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Speaker 1: deep conflict with themselves. And when you learn to let

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Speaker 1: someone cry it out, you learn to let someone learn

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Speaker 1: from the greatest teacher in the world, which is life.

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00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,919
Speaker 1: When you do not shield people from the consequences of

439
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,159
Speaker 1: their decisions, but instead you stand by their side and

440
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: you believe in the power that they have to meet

441
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,880
Speaker 1: the challenges of their life, then you create the space

442
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,679
Speaker 1: for a human being to reach their own potential on

443
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:19,439
Speaker 1: their own timeline. And what happened for us is I

444
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 1: think so many relationships, particularly in family. I don't know

445
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,520
Speaker 1: how you guys feel about your relationship with your daughter,

446
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,239
Speaker 1: but there's that intense love and then there's that like,

447
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: oh right, and we were like a death by a

448
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,359
Speaker 1: thousand cuts with one another. We're constantly missing the mark

449
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,919
Speaker 1: a little bit, and then one of us would be

450
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 1: offended or annoyed and then she'd go off, and then

451
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,000
Speaker 1: I'd go after and we'd try to talk, and then

452
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 1: I'd try to buy or something like whatever, let's just

453
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,680
Speaker 1: make this go away, and you would then manipulate and

454
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,160
Speaker 1: be like, let's go to them all because now we're

455
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,560
Speaker 1: going to be like, oh my god. That I'd be

456
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,440
Speaker 1: mad because I'd be like, I just watched all this stuff,

457
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 1: and now you're not nice to me. But what were

458
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:53,639
Speaker 1: gonna say?

459
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 4: Oh no, I was just gonna say.

460
00:25:55,280 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 8: I think within a very short summary our relationship, and

461
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,800
Speaker 8: this is what I haven't.

462
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,120
Speaker 4: Described yet, but too.

463
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,960
Speaker 8: Like two years ago, I was we were doing some therapy,

464
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 8: and I had this vision of me as like an infant,

465
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 8: like one or two months old, and it was as

466
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 8: if I was looking up. I was in a crib

467
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:24,360
Speaker 8: and I was looking up into this at the ceiling,

468
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 8: and I remember wanting my mom to come, and she,

469
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 8: like my dad, kept coming to pick me up. Or

470
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:36,680
Speaker 8: this woman who her name was Jonie Twining, who helped

471
00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 8: during the postpartum depression with her and her giving birth

472
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 8: to me, kept picking me up, and all I wanted

473
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 8: was my mom.

474
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 4: And all I wanted was my mom.

475
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 8: And she never came, and I honestly think that is

476
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:57,800
Speaker 8: a real memory. And when I started going through childhood,

477
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,919
Speaker 8: I think her working all the time reaffirm that in

478
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,440
Speaker 8: my mind is that I always wanted her to come

479
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,439
Speaker 8: and like pick me up and be with me and

480
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 8: give me attention and make me feel like I mattered,

481
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 8: And she was off doing amazing things.

482
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:15,960
Speaker 4: But always away.

483
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,280
Speaker 8: So it confirmed to me that, at least in my mind,

484
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 8: that I didn't matter. And so I think then that

485
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,120
Speaker 8: is what created the tension between us. Is I then

486
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,720
Speaker 8: developed the mindset, well, I don't need you and I

487
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 8: don't want you, and I can do this on my own,

488
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,760
Speaker 8: and I'm gonna go to Cambodia and I'm going to

489
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 8: go to Asia, and I don't need any of your

490
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,160
Speaker 8: money or any of your help, and I'm never working

491
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:47,639
Speaker 8: for you. And and I think that at the same time,

492
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,359
Speaker 8: like all I wanted was to be near her and

493
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,160
Speaker 8: to be her and looking.

494
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:52,440
Speaker 4: Up to her.

495
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:58,640
Speaker 8: And it wasn't until we finally started working together this

496
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 8: entire past year that I obviously, I think it not

497
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 8: only brought us closer in proximity, which helps, but I

498
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:12,480
Speaker 8: think the let them theory and using the let them

499
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:16,600
Speaker 8: theory with each other is actually what healed that entire separation,

500
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:20,720
Speaker 8: because I was finally able to let her be who

501
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,879
Speaker 8: she is without wanting to change her and without wanting to, like,

502
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 8: without getting mad at her all the time because of little.

503
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 4: Things that I thought we were annoying.

504
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 8: Or I thought we're disrespectful, or I wanted her attention

505
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 8: on me versus someone else. And so I think that

506
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 8: it wasn't until I was able to say, let them

507
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 8: and acknowledge.

508
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:42,320
Speaker 4: This is who she is.

509
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:47,560
Speaker 8: She's freaking crazy and pisses me off and is the

510
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 8: creative and I'm like the OCD organization. So writing a

511
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 8: book was very dramatic sometimes, but it wasn't until I

512
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 8: was able to let her be who she is and

513
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,920
Speaker 8: accept it and have more compassion and more of a

514
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 8: lens into everything that she goes through every day and

515
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,560
Speaker 8: how much work she actually does. Oh my gosh, Like

516
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,800
Speaker 8: when I joined the company, I couldn't even believe how

517
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:17,000
Speaker 8: many areas and how many people rely on her and

518
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 8: how big the company is.

519
00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:21,240
Speaker 4: And I, like my siblings don't know that. They would

520
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 4: have never known that.

521
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,400
Speaker 8: They still probably will never know that because they don't

522
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 8: see her in her everyday element.

523
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 4: But again, I.

524
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:34,880
Speaker 8: Couldn't just let them, because then I felt, whenever you

525
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 8: just let them, you can find yourself very lonely or

526
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 8: without many friends because you feel superior.

527
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,920
Speaker 4: You're like, I'm better than them. Let them, I'm the

528
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 4: bigger person. Let them. I don't have to do anything.

529
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 4: I'm gonna sit in my silence. I'm gonna cut off this.

530
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 8: Relationship, let them, let them, let them. I know I

531
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 8: can't control you, but I'm not gonna do anything about it.

532
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 4: But it wasn't until I started saying let me, like

533
00:29:59,160 --> 00:29:59,520
Speaker 4: I am.

534
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 8: I am in control of me and my mom's relationship.

535
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,120
Speaker 8: She's not in control of our relationship. I am, And

536
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 8: so I need to show up differently. I need to

537
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 8: be more open. I need to have more open arms.

538
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 8: I need to let me. Except that she's going to

539
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:20,560
Speaker 8: rewrite the manuscript eleven times, and I'm going to let them,

540
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:21,600
Speaker 8: and I'm gonna let me.

541
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 1: And the corresponding thing happened to me because again, it's

542
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,480
Speaker 1: about peace internally and what you can control, and it's

543
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 1: about learning to allow people to be who they are

544
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 1: and see them, perhaps for the very first time. And

545
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,720
Speaker 1: I think it's very easy. As a child, I know

546
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 1: I did this with my parents to forget this is

547
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,719
Speaker 1: their first time being a human being, this is their

548
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:47,280
Speaker 1: parent that you can only give people what's been given

549
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,720
Speaker 1: to you. You can only meet someone as deeply as

550
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 1: you've met yourself. And I think it was Oprah that

551
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: tells a story about how you know if you're a

552
00:30:55,880 --> 00:31:00,520
Speaker 1: person that needs a gallon of love and somebody has

553
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: only a quarter cup to give. If they give you

554
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:07,280
Speaker 1: the quarter cup, they've given you everything. It just didn't

555
00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:11,480
Speaker 1: feel adequate for what you needed, which is that mismatch

556
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,280
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. And so it creates so much more

557
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:21,120
Speaker 1: compassion because it forces you to really see people for

558
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 1: who they are and who they aren't, not through the

559
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 1: lens of judgment, but through acceptance. And then when you

560
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 1: say they let me part, it is true. I am

561
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: responsible for our relationship, just like she said, She's responsible

562
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,920
Speaker 1: because I'm responsible for the energy that I bring. Just

563
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:42,280
Speaker 1: like your grandfather said, I'm responsible for the peace inside me.

564
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 1: Why on earth would I give it to this person?

565
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,800
Speaker 1: And so I'm going to take the power back because

566
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 1: that's where the power lies. And so what I started

567
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: to notice, because just like my creativity and ADHD drives

568
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:58,600
Speaker 1: are absolutely bananas her intensity and the Excel spreadsheets and

569
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 1: the this is like, I can't think like that. And

570
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 1: then she would get all front and I'd be like,

571
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: let her, let her go upstairs to a room and

572
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 1: remove herself because she needs to, and let me not

573
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 1: go try to solve this. And what I also noticed

574
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:18,560
Speaker 1: is that when I wasn't so frustrated or there wasn't

575
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: a lot of tension between us, I actually saw what

576
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,760
Speaker 1: I wanted, which was I wanted to hug her. I

577
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: wanted to go check on her, not through a place

578
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,680
Speaker 1: of changing, but through loving.

579
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 2: One of the things that I keep feeling as I'm

580
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 2: looking at both of you, but particularly you Sawyer, is

581
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,320
Speaker 2: that the whole the Rich Shoes and at the end

582
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:42,760
Speaker 2: of the Wizard of Oz and when she was told

583
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,959
Speaker 2: that it was within you, all alone, exactly all your

584
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:51,160
Speaker 2: powers always yeah, And so that I feel like the journey,

585
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 2: even that you've been on up into this point, one

586
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 2: of the things I just want to say to you,

587
00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 2: I just you know that the power has been within

588
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 2: you all of the Thank.

589
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 3: You, grab a refill on your coffee or tea, because

590
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,440
Speaker 3: you won't want to miss the rest of this conversation.

591
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 5: We'll be right back. You're listening to my legacy.

592
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 3: We're back with Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer Andre.

593
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 5: Go ahead and take it away.

594
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 2: Okay, So menopause is having a well deserved moment, right

595
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 2: and gen X and younger women are really starting to

596
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 2: have a conversation about everything that goes with it and

597
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 2: to know that we need answers. So as you are

598
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 2: someone that's asking all of the experts and all of

599
00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 2: those aging questions that so many women have been too

600
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 2: embarrassed to ask for too long, I think that we

601
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,959
Speaker 2: think that everything stops at childbearing and that's it. And

602
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 2: then you know, so, how have you seen this empower

603
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 2: your listeners? And then what have you heard from them?

604
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,600
Speaker 1: This is an excellent question. So just to give you

605
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:12,960
Speaker 1: a sense of just how important of a topic this is,

606
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:19,880
Speaker 1: Apple just named an episode that we did on menopause

607
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,399
Speaker 1: with one of the leading female doctors on it as

608
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:27,000
Speaker 1: the number two most downloaded and shared episode of any

609
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 1: podcast anywhere in the world of the year this year.

610
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 1: And the reason why this is important is because there

611
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:40,439
Speaker 1: is every single day. I think their research is eight

612
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,759
Speaker 1: thousand women in our menopause. And what I didn't know

613
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 1: because this is like a gigantic what how could I

614
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,799
Speaker 1: get through life? And not no simple facts like this,

615
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:52,320
Speaker 1: Like I had no idea that women were not actually

616
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 1: included in clinical research until the nineteen eighties because of

617
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 1: our hormones are fluctuating, so it can throw off clinical

618
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 1: t trials, and even to this day, they mostly use

619
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:06,440
Speaker 1: women that are postmenopausal so that our hormones are not impacted.

620
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,040
Speaker 1: And so the drugs that we're taking are almost like

621
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,400
Speaker 1: golf tees. The guys get the ones that are a

622
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,640
Speaker 1: little bigger and then we move the dosage up, but

623
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,200
Speaker 1: we're not actually looking at the impact on hormones, so

624
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 1: that's a problem. Second thing that blew my mind is

625
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 1: that if you think about a woman's body, every single

626
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 1: organ of a woman's body has receptors for estrogen. Estrogen

627
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: is like the oil in a car. It runs everything.

628
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:39,160
Speaker 1: And women used to have a lifespan that was less

629
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,359
Speaker 1: than fifty years old, which is why if you look

630
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:46,720
Speaker 1: at the hormone kind of ranges of women, we peak

631
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 1: in terms of the natural estrogen that's created in our

632
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:54,080
Speaker 1: bodies right around the child bearing years. And if you

633
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 1: look at like life expectancy rates way back in the day. Well,

634
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,719
Speaker 1: most women die before they are fifty anyways, So if

635
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: all the estrogen is gone, who cares because she doesn't

636
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,880
Speaker 1: need it because she's dead. But by the time a

637
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 1: woman turns, and I'm gonna get the numbers wrong, but

638
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: it's something like forty years old, you have one percent

639
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 1: of the estrogen in your body left. If your brain

640
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:20,560
Speaker 1: requires estrogen, if your muscles require estrogen, if your heart,

641
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:24,160
Speaker 1: if every part of your body has a receptor for estrogen,

642
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:25,840
Speaker 1: you want to know why it does because it needs

643
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 1: it to run. And so women for years have been

644
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,799
Speaker 1: wondering why on Earth After I have kids, am I

645
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: itchy and dry and grumpy and I can't remember things?

646
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 1: And my body temperature is like like I literally, if

647
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,360
Speaker 1: I'm in a cold climate and I have a hot flash,

648
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,960
Speaker 1: you can actually see smoke coming off my skin like

649
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: it's and I'm like, I'm not mad at you, Chris,

650
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:52,839
Speaker 1: I'm just like hot, honey. And so hearing this information,

651
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:57,839
Speaker 1: it suddenly makes sense. I'm not crazy. The body that

652
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 1: I'm in actually has out lived the evolution of the

653
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,280
Speaker 1: way it's designed. And so one of the reasons why

654
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: hormone replacement therapy, if it is safe for you and

655
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 1: for the majority of women, it is is so revolutionaries

656
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:13,280
Speaker 1: because you're actually just putting oil back in the body

657
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,960
Speaker 1: so it can run correctly. And it starts to make

658
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,640
Speaker 1: sense if you think about it that way. And for

659
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: too long women have been told that they're crazy, or

660
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,919
Speaker 1: that they're this, or that they're making their symptoms up

661
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 1: or this or that or the other thing, and we're

662
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 1: not crazy. And thankfully women are now talking about this.

663
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,879
Speaker 1: Doctors are going through training because you know, doctor Mary

664
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 1: Claire Haveer, who is the person that came on, who

665
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:42,160
Speaker 1: is the medical expert you know, basically said when I

666
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:45,759
Speaker 1: was an obgen going through medical training, we literally had

667
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,440
Speaker 1: like a couple paragraphs in a textbook to medical school

668
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:53,279
Speaker 1: even for the clinical rotations being an obgentant. People just

669
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,440
Speaker 1: didn't even know. And it turns out the research from

670
00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:00,800
Speaker 1: ten years ago that scared everybody to death about replacement

671
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: therapy was largely overblown and not correct, and it has

672
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 1: been mostly pulled back, and so women haven't been given

673
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: the information. And as you know, women of color and

674
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: from different ethnic backgrounds have even more discrimination toward them

675
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: in terms of how these things impact you based on

676
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,480
Speaker 1: your DNA, based on your your heritage, based on your

677
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 1: skin color, based on access to care, and so.

678
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,480
Speaker 2: Based on how you treated when you go to care.

679
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 2: Your symptoms are even at women of color, black women,

680
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 2: your symptoms are even less. If you think that white

681
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:37,279
Speaker 2: women are not heard, Yes, the symptoms are just not

682
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,560
Speaker 2: even acknowledged.

683
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 1: Yes. And so one of the things that I am

684
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:45,120
Speaker 1: hopeful about is that, you know, when I launched the

685
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 1: podcasts that I have, I just had this vision walk

686
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,720
Speaker 1: with a friend. You know, when you take a walk

687
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:52,880
Speaker 1: with a friend, you and I know we're gonna be

688
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,799
Speaker 1: walking and talking a lot, a lot, a lot. You know,

689
00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:58,160
Speaker 1: we will be sharing all kinds of stuff that you're

690
00:38:58,200 --> 00:38:59,959
Speaker 1: not gonna be happy about. My husband's not gonna be having.

691
00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:03,760
Speaker 1: We're to be talking about our daughters and swapping stories

692
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 1: and advice, and we're both going to leave feeling better.

693
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,759
Speaker 1: We're both going to feel like we have something we

694
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,880
Speaker 1: want to try or do. We both feel like somebody

695
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,279
Speaker 1: heard us and validated how we feel. And that's all

696
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,360
Speaker 1: I wanted the podcast to be. And I also was

697
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,279
Speaker 1: excited to put it in Boston because it literally is

698
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,839
Speaker 1: the world's home of higher education, and how cool would

699
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: it be to have all of these people that are

700
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:26,880
Speaker 1: teaching the classes and in the labs, hop on the

701
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: bikes and come on over. And that's what's been happening.

702
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 1: And so to have doctors that the majority of us

703
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 1: wouldn't even be able to get an appointment with to

704
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:43,880
Speaker 1: come and share information that every human being deserves and

705
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,960
Speaker 1: has a right to have access to. We're talking about

706
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:51,000
Speaker 1: information that helps you live a healthy and happy life,

707
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:54,920
Speaker 1: which is exactly what you're doing here. You are democratizing

708
00:39:55,000 --> 00:40:01,280
Speaker 1: information that every human being deserves to live a filled, healthy,

709
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 1: dignified life. And you're opening up the potential of the

710
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: legacy that somebody leaves through how they live it. And

711
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:14,719
Speaker 1: if you can help people do better for themselves, for

712
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 1: the people that they care about, for their communities, you

713
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 1: are creating this ripple effect. And so for women, we

714
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: are waking up and realizing, wait a minute, like I

715
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,799
Speaker 1: don't have to like you're gonna have to say let

716
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,239
Speaker 1: them because you get angry, right, But the power is

717
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: not in somebody else being wrong. The power isn't going Okay, well,

718
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:39,319
Speaker 1: let me focus on what I'm going to think, do

719
00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 1: and say, and if this idiot is not treating me

720
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 1: the way I need to. I can leave any appointment,

721
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 1: I can leave any medical office. I can leave any

722
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,560
Speaker 1: dining room table, any text chain, any interview, any date,

723
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,480
Speaker 1: at any time, and I do not have to sit

724
00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,000
Speaker 1: here and listen to somebody in a white coat tell

725
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: me something that you know is not the way I

726
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: want to hear it. I have the power to leave

727
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,080
Speaker 1: this conversation and go talk to somebody else. I have

728
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,760
Speaker 1: the power to listen to this podcast and to learn

729
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 1: what I need to learn from somebody that has studied

730
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: this stuff. And so I'm really excited because the work

731
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,839
Speaker 1: that you're doing and some of the topics that we're

732
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: covering are truly giving people the information that they need

733
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 1: in order to change their lives for the better. Because

734
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,680
Speaker 1: again going back to why am I so driven to

735
00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 1: be a person that is warm and that is sharing

736
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 1: information and using my life and my struggles and the

737
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 1: things that I wish were better or that I'm screwing

738
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 1: up as the canvas upon which I'm trying to help

739
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to heal and do better myself, is

740
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:46,320
Speaker 1: because if you don't know, you can't make it better.

741
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 1: If you don't know what the actual problem is, how

742
00:41:49,719 --> 00:41:51,920
Speaker 1: on Earth are you going to solve it? And so

743
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:56,960
Speaker 1: whether it is for me being dyslexic and ADHD and

744
00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:00,080
Speaker 1: not getting diagnosed until I was forty seven, and I

745
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,560
Speaker 1: was diagnosed the same way the majority of women are

746
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 1: diagnosed because my son was going through the evaluations at

747
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: school and I started going, oh, I looked for a

748
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:12,920
Speaker 1: whole on me, And sure enough, it turns out I

749
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:16,799
Speaker 1: didn't actually ever have anxiety. I had dyslexia and ADHD,

750
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,839
Speaker 1: and nobody knew it because in the nineteen seventies when

751
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:23,400
Speaker 1: they were studying ADHD, they only studied boys, and boys

752
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 1: present jumpie, and they have symptoms that are the exact

753
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,359
Speaker 1: opposite of girls. Girls get quiet, they start to get

754
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:33,680
Speaker 1: very very inward and hyperfocusing. Yes, so you miss it

755
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:36,279
Speaker 1: because they can lock in and you're like, well, that

756
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:39,760
Speaker 1: kid doesn't have ADHD. And so there is a huge

757
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:42,759
Speaker 1: generation of women, almost thirty years of us who were

758
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,880
Speaker 1: diagnosed with anxiety, and our teens in our twenties, and

759
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 1: the real issue was dyslexia. The real issue is anxiety,

760
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 1: and this is so sad, and we can actually change this.

761
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,279
Speaker 1: And I also think a lot about the fact I

762
00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,879
Speaker 1: was a public defender when I came out of law school.

763
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 1: I for legal aid in New York City. And the

764
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:08,640
Speaker 1: majority of people in prison have a learning disability. And

765
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:15,160
Speaker 1: if you do not have an adult figure out what

766
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 1: you are struggling with, what adults do is they label

767
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 1: you a problem. And when somebody is exhibiting challenging behavior,

768
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:26,000
Speaker 1: which you do, if you're sitting in a classroom and

769
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,719
Speaker 1: your brain doesn't learn the way that people's brains learn,

770
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:32,800
Speaker 1: or you can't communicate what you need, adults punish people

771
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:36,600
Speaker 1: who are challenging. And the fact is people do well

772
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:40,120
Speaker 1: in the can kids in particular. And it's not an

773
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:44,720
Speaker 1: issue of motivation or capability or willpower. It's an issue

774
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 1: of skills that are missing and simple problems that need

775
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:53,479
Speaker 1: to be solved. And so if you can change one

776
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:55,839
Speaker 1: person's life because they listen to this and they share

777
00:43:55,880 --> 00:44:00,880
Speaker 1: it with somebody, then that's an incredible thing to do

778
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,239
Speaker 1: with your life. And if my story and my struggles

779
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 1: and you know, look, I am happy to have struggled.

780
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,920
Speaker 1: Even though I caused myself pain. I do not regret that.

781
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:16,279
Speaker 1: I do wish I hadn't caused other people pain. But

782
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:20,680
Speaker 1: if I can struggle for as long as I did,

783
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:25,320
Speaker 1: with anxiety and with patterns of behavior that were very

784
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 1: painful to me and painful to other people because I

785
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:31,759
Speaker 1: didn't know the core problems. But then I learn about it,

786
00:44:31,840 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 1: and now I can share it with millions of people.

787
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,680
Speaker 1: I will take that every day. I'll take the hit.

788
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 3: We'll be back shortly with more from this inspiring conversation.

789
00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:56,239
Speaker 2: What does it shall be mean to you?

790
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:58,960
Speaker 1: It shall be? My husband and I got tattoos on

791
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,759
Speaker 1: our fifteenth wedding an versary and I was like, we're

792
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:06,600
Speaker 1: gonna get matching tattoos. You know we're not. And so Chris,

793
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:09,239
Speaker 1: of course, going in he had figured his out and

794
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: I was panic stricken because I could not figure out

795
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:12,560
Speaker 1: what to do.

796
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 4: And his was really good.

797
00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:16,200
Speaker 1: Oh yes, he won, and I was so annoyed once

798
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 1: he told me because it was so good.

799
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 8: He has he has the tattoo right here and it

800
00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 8: says one gate. And he used to be a ski

801
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:29,920
Speaker 8: racer growing up, and his dad always used to tell him,

802
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:33,000
Speaker 8: who passed away in two thousand and seven, always used

803
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:34,839
Speaker 8: to tell him, just take one gate like a ski

804
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:37,319
Speaker 8: gate at a time, Just take one gate at a time,

805
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:39,280
Speaker 8: Just take one gate at a time. And he translated

806
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:42,440
Speaker 8: that to like one day, one moment, one second, and

807
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 8: he is like the most calm Buddhist zen person I've

808
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:50,080
Speaker 8: ever been. Really, yes, so present, he's a death doula.

809
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 8: He's so incredible. But he took letters from his dad

810
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:01,200
Speaker 8: and gotten oh and gotten in and got an eve

811
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:05,400
Speaker 8: and got a gee and got it morphed together and

812
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:06,839
Speaker 8: put on his on his arm.

813
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:09,879
Speaker 1: And of course, being the bitch that I am, when

814
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:11,920
Speaker 1: he came and told me that profound story and you've

815
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:18,880
Speaker 1: got your hand over your heart, I was like, oh.

816
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 8: What am I going to do?

817
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 1: If I had heard it back then, I would have

818
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:26,479
Speaker 1: been able to regulate myself like me.

819
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:29,040
Speaker 6: Exactly.

820
00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:32,440
Speaker 1: And so I was just panic stricken because we were

821
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:34,160
Speaker 1: about to go to the appointment and a friends and

822
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, I still don't know what to get, and

823
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:39,520
Speaker 1: she goes, you should get it. She'll be I'm like why,

824
00:46:39,719 --> 00:46:41,160
Speaker 1: And she said, will you say that all the time?

825
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:43,839
Speaker 1: I said, what do you mean? She said, oh, you

826
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:46,120
Speaker 1: always tell me if you just put your head down

827
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: and you chip away at it and you give up

828
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:51,120
Speaker 1: your timeline, it shall be. I didn't even know I

829
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:53,440
Speaker 1: said it. And so then we get to the tattoo

830
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: parlor so I'm like, okay, I do that, and I

831
00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 1: realized I didn't have a font. So then I'm on

832
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:01,960
Speaker 1: their laptop looking at the drop down menu on word,

833
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:02,920
Speaker 1: like what should I do?

834
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 3: And that was may I actually a moment because it's

835
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 3: words and I have one to.

836
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:15,000
Speaker 7: These are imagining family so we can capture.

837
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 1: Well, mine's on my wrist.

838
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:19,960
Speaker 4: And mine's on the side of my right.

839
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:22,879
Speaker 1: Beautiful, so you have three almost like the Bethlehem Star.

840
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:27,440
Speaker 2: So your dad your acual like everybody.

841
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:31,920
Speaker 8: The whole experience was inspired by my grandmother, my dad's mom,

842
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:37,240
Speaker 8: who she is shout out to JJ. She is actually

843
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 8: the grandmother I went to Cambodia with and taught English with.

844
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 4: And she is eighty seven years old.

845
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 8: She's literally walks four miles every single day.

846
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 4: She's four eleven.

847
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 8: She is the energy of a firecracker. She is the

848
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 8: most amazing human being in the world.

849
00:47:57,239 --> 00:48:01,640
Speaker 4: And she had a friend of hers who.

850
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 8: Is dying, was dying and she asked her friend, what

851
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:11,960
Speaker 8: do you think happens when you die? And without with

852
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:15,279
Speaker 8: all conviction, her friend had said, I'm going to be

853
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 8: a star, and I'm going to be a star. All

854
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:20,640
Speaker 8: of us are going to be stars. If you look

855
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,040
Speaker 8: up at the sky at night, there's billions and billions

856
00:48:23,080 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 8: and billions of stars. And the reason behind that is

857
00:48:25,719 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 8: because when you go up and you become a star,

858
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 8: a star, you can then look over all of your

859
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:36,600
Speaker 8: family members, and shooting stars are stars that travel to

860
00:48:36,719 --> 00:48:39,920
Speaker 8: other people to see different people. And so then JJ

861
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:43,000
Speaker 8: was like, I'm going to get a star tattooed on me.

862
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 8: And she's eighty seven and so first tattoo. And so

863
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,640
Speaker 8: then of course when she told me, I was like, well,

864
00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:51,520
Speaker 8: I need to get a star because I'm going to

865
00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:52,919
Speaker 8: be a star and you're going to be a star.

866
00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:58,320
Speaker 8: And then so all five of us, our entire family, Me, Mom, Dad, Oakley,

867
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 8: Kendall and JJ, we all got our tattoo appointment and

868
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:05,279
Speaker 8: went and we all have different stars yep.

869
00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 1: And then I put our whole family like, so I

870
00:49:07,239 --> 00:49:09,320
Speaker 1: have this, I have a Sawyer star in an Oakley

871
00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:12,279
Speaker 1: and Chris and me and and.

872
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:15,120
Speaker 4: I have one star and five dots for every single

873
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 4: one of the.

874
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:19,280
Speaker 2: Well, it's one of my best friends who she actually

875
00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:21,680
Speaker 2: is a death doula really and she was with my

876
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:25,240
Speaker 2: mom when my mom passed, and it was the most

877
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,920
Speaker 2: incredible gift that anyone could give to give us. And

878
00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:33,920
Speaker 2: she also has something she created called Star Day and

879
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:36,680
Speaker 2: it's it's when you celebrate your ancestors on the day

880
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:39,440
Speaker 2: that they went to go back to live in the stars.

881
00:49:39,600 --> 00:49:42,359
Speaker 2: So I need to get you wrote a children's book

882
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:48,560
Speaker 2: and it's and so yeah, I'm telling you we are well, well,

883
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:50,080
Speaker 2: you know, I'll get you the whole book and it's

884
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 2: all about that. And then you celebrate that day that

885
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 2: they went back to be in the stars, and so

886
00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:59,520
Speaker 2: you you eat their favorite food and you you talked about.

887
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:00,759
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I love that.

888
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:01,279
Speaker 4: I love you.

889
00:50:01,680 --> 00:50:01,839
Speaker 8: Yeah.

890
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 1: Wow.

891
00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:03,719
Speaker 6: Great concept.

892
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 7: Well, something that we are contemplating a lot and would

893
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:08,800
Speaker 7: love to get your theory on is the difference between

894
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:14,080
Speaker 7: the Western concept of happiness versus fulfillment and fulfillment as

895
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:17,279
Speaker 7: a source from within, a source from love, and the

896
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,799
Speaker 7: Western concept of happiness is this treadmill that we can

897
00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:23,319
Speaker 7: ever often ever achieve because we're always seeking the next thing.

898
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:26,960
Speaker 1: Well, the cool thing about the distinction that I'm going

899
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:33,160
Speaker 1: to share with you is that it comes from someone's research.

900
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 1: And the person I'm going to cite is doctor Tall

901
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:41,000
Speaker 1: Ben Shahar. It was one of the kind of original

902
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:45,040
Speaker 1: rockstar happiness professors at one of the Ivy League schools,

903
00:50:45,480 --> 00:50:50,120
Speaker 1: and he has this concept that I love because happiness.

904
00:50:50,239 --> 00:50:53,680
Speaker 1: What we get wrong about it is we believe that

905
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:57,600
Speaker 1: there is a thing out there that will make you

906
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:02,360
Speaker 1: happy all the time. And the problem with that is

907
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:06,719
Speaker 1: once you get the thing, your happiness or your excitement

908
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 1: or enthusiasm, whatever you call it, just disappears right away

909
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:13,600
Speaker 1: because you got the thing. And we have this relentless

910
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:16,480
Speaker 1: need to feel good. So we're constantly looking out there

911
00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,359
Speaker 1: and we think, well, maybe the car, or maybe you know,

912
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 1: it's the boyfriend or the girlfriend, or maybe it's a

913
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:24,360
Speaker 1: certain dollar in the bank, or maybe it's a certain

914
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:27,040
Speaker 1: number on the scale, or it's a certain friend group

915
00:51:27,160 --> 00:51:30,400
Speaker 1: or whatever that is going to create this feeling inside

916
00:51:30,400 --> 00:51:33,360
Speaker 1: me that I sow not only want, but you actually

917
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:36,479
Speaker 1: deserve to feel good in your life. But we're going

918
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:40,560
Speaker 1: about it wrong. And so he basically says, anytime you

919
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:43,879
Speaker 1: want something out there, it's like staring at the sun

920
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:47,279
Speaker 1: if you look directly at the sun, just like you

921
00:51:47,320 --> 00:51:49,239
Speaker 1: look directly at your bank account and say I'm gonna

922
00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:50,680
Speaker 1: be happy if I have a million dollars in that

923
00:51:50,719 --> 00:51:53,520
Speaker 1: bank account. You're going to get sun spots, and you're

924
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:57,239
Speaker 1: going to be blinded and you're going to be miserable

925
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 1: as you're trying to get it, because because you're going

926
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:04,040
Speaker 1: to think you're only going to feel good once you

927
00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:08,840
Speaker 1: get there. Instead, he says, I want you to take

928
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 1: the sun and put it through a prism and it

929
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:19,160
Speaker 1: creates a rainbow. And when you realize that that's what's

930
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:22,680
Speaker 1: available to you right now, that's what you can bring

931
00:52:22,719 --> 00:52:25,759
Speaker 1: into your life right now, that it's not really out there.

932
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 1: It's all the things that you can take in and

933
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:32,200
Speaker 1: bring in here that truly create fulfillment.

934
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:34,480
Speaker 4: So sorrya Martan.

935
00:52:39,719 --> 00:52:42,959
Speaker 6: What's one thing you'd want your mom to know about

936
00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:50,640
Speaker 6: the impact she's had on your life.

937
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:50,760
Speaker 4: So much?

938
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:55,680
Speaker 8: But the first thing that came to mind is, I

939
00:52:55,719 --> 00:53:02,120
Speaker 8: think growing up, I thought that my legacy was being

940
00:53:02,160 --> 00:53:09,759
Speaker 8: mel Robinson's daughter, and I think in writing this book together.

941
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:18,200
Speaker 4: And just getting to spend so much time.

942
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:22,080
Speaker 8: With you, but it's actually a lot bigger than that,

943
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:26,839
Speaker 8: and it's the Latin theory and it's so many more

944
00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:30,880
Speaker 8: things that I have not achieved, and so thank you

945
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:33,319
Speaker 8: for opening that vision for me.

946
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:37,520
Speaker 1: I love you, I love you, and you know what

947
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:41,359
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you, Oh God, I had the easy part.

948
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:44,920
Speaker 1: I just had to learn to create the space for

949
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:53,359
Speaker 1: you to see it yourself. Proud of you, I.

950
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:56,320
Speaker 3: Gotta say, I got three kids and so just listening

951
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:57,320
Speaker 3: to you and.

952
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,480
Speaker 5: Away a lot for work.

953
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 3: To see the two of you, as you said, go

954
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:06,720
Speaker 3: through your journey, but be at this incredibly strong place together,

955
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:10,880
Speaker 3: to see you work together, create together. To hear the

956
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:12,920
Speaker 3: love in your voice. Oh my god, I love the

957
00:54:12,920 --> 00:54:16,799
Speaker 3: honesty and everything about the conversation. Love them for who

958
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,880
Speaker 3: they are, and love them for who they are not

959
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:22,960
Speaker 3: my god. I think we can all reflect on that

960
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:29,279
Speaker 3: with our family and friends. Can't control others, you know,

961
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:32,440
Speaker 3: we just need to let them and to let me.

962
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:33,440
Speaker 5: I love that.

963
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:36,520
Speaker 3: And you can only meet someone as deeply as you've

964
00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:40,120
Speaker 3: met yourself. And it has been such a gift for

965
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:44,040
Speaker 3: all of us to spend so much time with both

966
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:48,040
Speaker 3: of you and to have this extraordinary experience as mother

967
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:51,640
Speaker 3: and daughter and friend and co journeer on this together.

968
00:54:51,719 --> 00:54:55,319
Speaker 3: So thank you to both of you for leaving an

969
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 3: extraordinary legacy. Every single day.

970
00:54:58,280 --> 00:55:01,080
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you for this experience. So what a

971
00:55:01,120 --> 00:55:06,960
Speaker 1: beautiful experience that you've created for us to be able

972
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:15,840
Speaker 1: to dig deeper into our own experience and what we've learned,

973
00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:23,520
Speaker 1: sometimes a hard way, always always amazing. Wow.

974
00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:28,640
Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. We are so grateful to

975
00:55:28,760 --> 00:55:31,920
Speaker 2: have you as part of this journey. If you enjoy

976
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:36,680
Speaker 2: today's conversation, subscribe and share the podcast with friends, family,

977
00:55:36,719 --> 00:55:39,719
Speaker 2: and loved ones, and follow us on social media. You

978
00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 2: can find us on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok at my

979
00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:47,920
Speaker 2: Legacy Movement. You can also subscribe to our YouTube channel

980
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:51,839
Speaker 2: at my Legacy Movement. At the heart of this podcast

981
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:55,359
Speaker 2: is doctor King's vision of the beloved community and the

982
00:55:55,480 --> 00:56:00,200
Speaker 2: power of connection. Produced by Legacy Plus Studio in partnership

983
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:05,600
Speaker 2: with iHeartRadio creator and executive producer Suzanne Hayward, co executive

984
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:10,279
Speaker 2: producer Lisa Lyle, editing an av by Garcia creator. My

985
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:14,520
Speaker 2: Legacy podcast is available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever

986
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:18,440
Speaker 2: you get your podcasts. Until next time, may you find

987
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 2: connection and inspiration to live your most fulfilled life.