WEBVTT - The Accidental Parent 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.360 Malague has how the knowledge you want, my league, but 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:05.360 has how a knowledge you need? 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:07.640 Yet they have out the. 0:00:07.680 --> 0:00:11.320 Books that the whole wild world. What dread Malague? 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:16.480 But welcome, Welcome, Welcome to Malik's Book Show bringing a 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:20.840 world together with books, culture and community. 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:21.840 Y'all. 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:26.239 We had a wonderful what they call a tiny death experience, 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:29.320 but it was called the Milik Books Show, Books and 0:00:29.480 --> 0:00:33.720 Music Experience where we had a full on concert and 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:39.159 book talk at Malik Books a few weeks ago with the. 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.400 Five time Grammy winner PJ. Morton. 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:45.280 It went down inside of Milik Books in the Westfield, 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:50.080 Coobe City, standing room only. He performed some of his hits. 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:52.720 Man he broke them, broke the crowd down with his 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:56.200 most famous song. One of his most famous song which 0:00:56.280 --> 0:01:00.320 is called let Go Let God and that right dead 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:03.920 man was so electric and motivational. 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:06.440 Man, it was great. 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:10.320 You know, a concert and a book talk right inside 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:13.880 the bookstore with five time Grammy winner PJ. 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:14.440 Morton. 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:18.320 Now his book they just came out, which we got 0:01:18.360 --> 0:01:21.839 all the graph copies at Moleague Books. It's called Saturday 0:01:21.920 --> 0:01:26.759 Night Sunday Morning. It's about PJ. Morton's life growing up 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:32.120 in the church as well as becoming a jazz. 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:33.360 And R and B artist. 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:40.440 He plays the piano as well as the other instruments. 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:46.360 But it was so electric, so powerful, and his book 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:47.800 is simply a book to. 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:51.400 Talk about how to be in the world, but not 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:54.080 of it. You see what I'm saying, be in the world, 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.000 not of it. He didn't lose his soul because he 0:01:57.080 --> 0:02:01.640 sang circular type music. Doesn't wanna be called the gospel 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:06.720 and be labeled gospel artists. But his music is filled 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:10.040 with so much passion, so much soul, and so much 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:17.280 of our I guess storytelling. You know, he speaks from 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.880 the heart, He speaks from his experience, but his soul 0:02:20.960 --> 0:02:24.400 for music, it's hard for music. And the book just 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:27.680 tells his journey. He went to Africa, spent a lot 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:32.399 of time. That's his new album just out and he's 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:34.720 it's one of the new songs he just came up with, 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:35.880 is I Found Love? 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:37.640 Well, basically cause. 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:41.640 He went to Africa, he found love and he wrote 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:45.040 a whole spiritual album just on that that just came out. 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:49.960 I think it's called From Cairo to Egypt something like that. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:54.240 You can't quote me on it, but BJ Morton did 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:55.600 a nice talk. 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:59.920 The moderator for the event was was from k jlho 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:01.160 sponsor the event. 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:06.040 That's a Stevie Wonder's black radio station right here in 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:06.760 the community. 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:10.959 And they had a Ricky Rutgers was the moderator, was 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:14.200 one of the DJ's over at KJLA. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:17.880 So we're very we were very blessed and grateful. 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:22.000 It was packed house, standing room only, two hundred people 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:26.280 grooving and jivan into the talk and into the music. 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:31.679 That's why I'm I labeled this our first concert in 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:34.160 book talk. I believe I labeled the Elite's books, you know, 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:37.840 music and books. I'm gonna be posted on YouTube. You 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:40.160 gotta go to YouTube cause it's. 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:42.960 Gonna be called just that Elite Books, music and Books. 0:03:43.040 --> 0:03:46.560 We're trying to do a whole series of concerts and 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:48.440 book talks right inside. 0:03:48.240 --> 0:03:52.000 Elite Books in the Westfield, Coca City Mall. But it 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:54.200 was powerful and it. 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:58.600 Was the one for the books. It was his start 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:01.720 and when he we gotta signed copies of this book 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:07.000 Saturday night Sunday morning. How you can be in the world, 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:11.520 not of it, still keep your spiritual walk, still keep 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:15.920 your beliefs, but yet find the joy in the world, 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:19.920 find the love and joy and happiness in the world. 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:25.160 And that's what PJ. Morton was able to because his 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:29.359 father's a big time preacher now big time preacher. So 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:38.119 oftentimes those types of children become gospel scene. Well, DJ 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:40.240 didn't want to just be a gospel scene. He wanted 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.000 to be an R and B and jazz. You know, 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:44.240 he from Louisiana. 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:46.680 And they are that's the heart of America for musicians. 0:04:46.760 --> 0:04:49.560 Boo the coase a doma doesn't They don't mean they're 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:52.719 all good, but they show can play, They show love music, 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:53.400 they show can. 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:55.159 Play the mystery and out there you can. 0:04:55.040 --> 0:04:57.840 Go from bar to bar and get live music all 0:04:57.880 --> 0:05:04.120 throughout Bourbon Street or Canal Street. Out there in Louisiana, 0:05:04.240 --> 0:05:06.760 that's where the home of the Essence Festival take place. 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:09.680 And Boy or Boy, that was an expreend. I went 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:13.280 for the first time this year twenty twenty four, had 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:20.440 a wonderful time. So but once again this particular episode. 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:24.479 Is going to feature a talk. 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:28.280 A book talk that my wife had at Malague Books 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:32.479 where she talked about The Accidental Parent. 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:37.320 With Adrian Allen and we also got signed copies that book. 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:40.480 Inside of the Malague book, but she did a book 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:45.000 talk and discussion about being an accidental parent, and I. 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:47.280 Know a lot of y'all can relate. 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:50.880 To that because we have a lot of grandparents raising 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:56.360 their grandchildren or nieces nephews being raised by their uncles 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:00.000 or nieces or grandparents. 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:03.160 So it happens in every community. 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:06.720 And that's what this book is about, becoming an accidental parent, 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.840 stepping up when one of. 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.320 Your family members isn't able to. 0:06:13.120 --> 0:06:17.080 And so they had a nice discussion about this book 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:23.440 called The Accidental Parent by Adrian Alexander Allen and we 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:25.960 do have some signed copies. But one thing I want 0:06:26.480 --> 0:06:30.360 to point out is that she's an independent, self published author, 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.719 and that's how Malik Books got started. 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:37.680 That's how Malik Books started. 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:40.080 Back in nineteen nine, were a lot of self published 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:41.760 and independent authors. 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:44.080 So we always give love to. 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:48.919 Our independent author when we can. We don't always just 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:54.960 do events where we highlight just celebrities or best selling authors, 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:58.720 but we do take time out to host independent self 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.400 public and give them as inside of my League books. 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:03.640 And Adrian Alexander. 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:08.800 Had a robust conversation with April who was the moderator 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:13.000 for this event. So I'm gonna feature that on this episode, 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:14.720 Accidental parent. 0:07:18.080 --> 0:07:21.160 Welcome Tonight is gonna be a beautiful conversation between you 0:07:21.200 --> 0:07:24.880 and I. Yes, and we're gonna talk about personal issues 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:28.520 about accidental parenting. Yes, And I said in the back, 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:30.400 it's really not an accident. It's just what you were 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:33.600 supposed to do. And everything happened in the vine tie 0:07:33.800 --> 0:07:36.560 and then the vine time was just your moment. My 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:40.840 moment happened maybe two and a half years ago with 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:45.000 my grandchildren. They are now four and three years old. 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:48.960 And mind you, my children are nineteen and seventeen. So 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:52.920 that's like starting all over again, starting all over again. 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:54.720 And I welcome it. 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:59.520 I wasn't fully well, I can't say fully it was 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:01.880 confusing to me, like, okay, so what do. 0:08:01.880 --> 0:08:05.000 We do do we you know, do it full on? 0:08:05.680 --> 0:08:08.760 Or how do we do this? Then at the end 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:10.640 of the day, time will let you know how to 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:11.000 do it. 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:13.480 I started over a little. 0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:16.760 It was a little more of a start over for me. 0:08:17.400 --> 0:08:20.520 My kids are and this has been for me. It's 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:24.560 been about three years now. And at the time my 0:08:24.720 --> 0:08:32.680 children were maybe how were they so maybe like twenty seven, 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:38.120 twenty five and twenty Yes, and So at the time 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:41.440 my youngest son was just graduating high school. 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:45.080 I was on my way out. I was like, I 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:45.480 don't have. 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:48.480 To worry about no school meetings. I don't have to 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:51.080 worry about oh my god. I was like, I don't 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:52.840 have to worry about making sure nobody get on the 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:55.880 school bus. I don't have to worry about waking nobody up. 0:08:55.960 --> 0:08:58.520 I don't have to do any of that. And in 0:08:58.600 --> 0:08:59.360 the blink of them. 0:08:59.320 --> 0:09:03.360 Now I was cheating, yep, change overnight. So it's just 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:04.000 it is. 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:08.960 It's it's very it's confusing, it's interesting, it's it's a 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:11.520 lot like we say, you ain't gonna keep on representations back, 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:14.680 but I mean, it is a lot of emotions to go. 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:15.400 Through to go with it. 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:19.720 Yes, sure, minds came from just confusion. 0:09:19.559 --> 0:09:22.679 Like confusion of am I doing the right thing. 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.680 For my grandchildren, for my marriage, for my own children? 0:09:27.760 --> 0:09:30.080 Am I doing the right thing? And at the end 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:32.360 of the day, I feel in my heart that I 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:35.040 did the right thing by getting in the. 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:40.000 Car driving from California to Tijuana in the car with 0:09:40.040 --> 0:09:43.920 my husband and my two children to get my grandchildren. 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:47.520 I know that we well, I know that I did 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:48.920 the right thing because I'm a driver. 0:09:49.080 --> 0:09:51.520 As we spoke before, I'm a driver, and I had 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:55.040 so many things and thoughts in my head about this situation. 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:57.440 And I know that at the end of the day, 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:02.920 my grandchildren needed like I needed so many people in 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:03.600 my life. 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.240 Like I'm fifty years old now and I know so 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:09.280 many Oh, it's a term that we that we gonna 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:13.520 talk about, Yeah, kinship, kinship, kinship and caregiving. Yes, but 0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:17.840 I know so many people and in my life that 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.960 that offered that to me. It didn't have that term 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:23.559 back in the day, right, but that term, let's talk 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:26.520 about that term. Yeah, So what we were talking about 0:10:26.559 --> 0:10:30.520 is kinship care. And what I realized cause I did release. 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:34.960 My book on Grandparents' Day because what is that September eighth, Okay, 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:38.920 and a lot of people don't know that there is 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:43.200 a grandparents Day, and so I felt it was right 0:10:43.320 --> 0:10:48.080 because most of kinship care givers are grandparents, and so 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.640 I wanted to celebrate grandparents by releasing a book on 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:55.280 that day. But in these last two months since I 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:57.800 released the book, I realized. 0:10:57.400 --> 0:11:00.319 So many people have never heard the term kinship care. Well, 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:03.120 we didn't have that turn, but you going to your grandparents. 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:05.520 Are you going to Auntie summing Tom house and you 0:11:05.679 --> 0:11:06.800 that's that was your home? 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:07.160 Right? 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:07.600 Yeah? 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:09.640 And that's what we were like, yes, because you know, 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:12.319 another thing that happened was you just got dropped off, right, 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:12.760 that's it. 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:17.200 There was no legal paperwork, there was no you know, like, 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:19.480 there wasn't a lot of conversation about it. I need 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:19.880 I know. 0:11:19.960 --> 0:11:22.640 For me, I've never lived anywhere else. I never lived 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:25.240 with my parents. I know who my parents were, they 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.880 were around, but my home was my grandparents' house. 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:31.120 And there was no. 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:34.200 Legal document to be like y'all got custody of her 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:36.079 or they adopted me or anything like that. 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.480 It's just like this is where you live. This is home. 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:43.000 And so it's like now people allow people's experience or 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:46.840 have experienced kinship care, but just don't know until you 0:11:46.880 --> 0:11:50.000 explained it, like they've experienced it, they've lived it. And 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.280 then when you say, well that's kinship there and now, oh, 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:57.760 oh that's what that is, I just thought, right, yeah, 0:11:57.760 --> 0:11:58.720 it's a kinship care. 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:02.400 That was a term that that was when you and 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:04.840 I st started our conversation. 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:07.160 Yes, what's that about a year and a half ago. 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:12.320 It's and that's so crazy right here at this calendar. Yes, 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:16.520 And we just started conversating Conversatan about something that we 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:17.280 could relate to. 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:21.640 And that was our our grandchildren and becoming accidental. 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:25.360 Parents, right, Yes, And so the book is the Accidental Parent, 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:29.760 Nurturing love and unfreseen circumstances. It was written for individuals 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:33.040 standing in the gap raising children who aren't biologically their 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:35.760 own due to addiction, incarceration. 0:12:35.240 --> 0:12:37.800 Or tragedy. Yes, and Minus's. 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:43.200 Addiction and my early experience was addiction. Yes, I'm being 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:45.280 raised by my grandparents because my parents. 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:46.439 Struggled with addictions. 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.559 And now it's because of incarcerations. 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:51.120 Twofold Mines was for me. 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:55.520 Minues was addiction because of my parents, and then mine's 0:12:55.600 --> 0:12:57.440 now is addiction because of my son. 0:12:58.160 --> 0:13:01.640 Yes, so it's and I knew that that when it happened. 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:03.800 Just you have to do it. You need to so 0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:06.480 many people that have done it for you. Yeah, so many, Bee, 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:09.760 So it needs to be specificated and impeciprocated. 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:14.280 Would love and a blessed heart because I know if 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:19.560 if people didn't bless me with their time and just 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:22.720 woke me in in their home, I. 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:24.920 Don't know what the outcome of April will be yes. 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:28.520 So I give that back to my grandchildren, my kids, 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:29.760 you know, I get that back. 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:32.080 I was telling somebody the other day. 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:38.240 I was like, I've tried to be different with my granddaughter. 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:44.760 It is and it's funny because, man, it's funny because 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:46.240 I feel like. 0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:47.880 Our grandkids or our grandchild. 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:52.440 Third question too, navigating the difference between parenting. 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:57.520 Skills, Oh my gosh, and so's it's funny because grandchildren. 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:02.080 I feel like grandchildren these days are winning because they 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:05.040 are getting it from experience. 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:05.360 Right. 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:08.160 I know what I did, I know what happened to 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:09.680 me and how I was raised. 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:12.319 I know how I raised my kids. 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:16.040 And so now raising another generation, it's like all of 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:22.920 the experience and the lessons are there. However, I was like, Okay, 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:26.040 I am going to do different from what I did 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.520 with my children and try not to be like because 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:33.160 I said so, or you just do it because I 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:39.120 want you to do it, or you know, really having conversations. 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:44.800 Oh, my grandson, why everything is why GM? And I 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:48.840 try my best to explain it to him, but I'm like, okay, now. 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:52.560 It's because I said so. 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:56.080 And so that's and I do with with Ava, I 0:14:56.160 --> 0:15:00.760 will allow her the space to share, you know, like 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:02.600 what she's feeling and what she's going through. 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:04.600 But y'all, she stomped me the other day. 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:11.120 Oh, shet me the other day, and you know it 0:15:11.240 --> 0:15:14.760 it I had we had a conversation earlier on in 0:15:14.800 --> 0:15:17.640 the week and she kind of like snapped at me 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:19.880 a little bit, and I was like, hey, you can't 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:20.520 talk to grandma. 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:20.800 I like that. 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:22.920 Grandma doesn't like that. That's not nice. 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:26.480 And so then, you know, fast forward later in the 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:30.160 week and she was putting on her school uniform and 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:32.800 she was having struggles with it zipper in her backs. 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:34.520 So I was like, well, let me just hold it. 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:37.960 I'll hold it, you zip and so I held it. 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:41.240 She zipping it. Well, you didn't let me do it, 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:46.640 and I was like, hey, watch your tone, watch your tone. 0:15:47.800 --> 0:15:50.480 And she stomped and she's like, I am a big girl. 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:52.640 I don't need help from anyone. 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:54.840 And I guess I blacked. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:16:04.360 Out because you know, the next thing I know, she crying. 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:09.080 I'm like listen, yeah, I remember those days. Yeah, I'm like, 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:13.160 hold on. I was like, I tried to help you. 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:17.040 I was like, if you are big enough for a 0:16:17.120 --> 0:16:19.160 big girl enough to talk to me like that you 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:19.840 big girl. 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:22.040 Enough with these consequences. Yes, yes, with. 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:29.720 These and so yeah, so I'm trying. I'm trying, but. 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:34.400 I have a seat. 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:36.840 Thank you so much for yes, Thank you so much. 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:38.040 Thank you. 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:42.440 That's my friend, y'all. 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:50.760 I'm wanting to ask you a question. Lessons lessons that. 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:56.320 Not only for your grand daughter, but lessons to yourself. 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:04.120 That's a great question. Ooh, that's a great question. 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:08.320 I I feel like that is a part of the 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:11.840 lesson as well, like allowing her cause I I tell her, 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:15.640 you know, like let's have a conversation about why you're 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:19.120 angry or why you're sad, or you know, like anything 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.919 like let's let's breathe through it, let's talk about it. 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.320 And so that's a lesson for both of us because 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:30.040 it helps me with my patience and my tolerance as well. 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:30.800 Y'all. 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.840 One time I was talking to her. 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:35.800 I I I was cause I do try to give 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.000 her a space, her big girl's space to get herself 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:39.760 ready and you know, like do whatever she can. 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:40.320 Do on her own. 0:17:40.400 --> 0:17:44.840 M And one morning she was getting dressed and I 0:17:44.840 --> 0:17:48.000 I was just doing busy stuff in the garage, and 0:17:48.040 --> 0:17:51.119 I was like, Ava, are you dressed? And she was 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:53.120 like no, can you just wait? 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:55.639 Oh? 0:17:56.160 --> 0:17:58.399 And I was like and that's exactly And I was like, 0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.720 well wait, like she he's really saying. 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:03.480 Can you wait give me a minute? 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:03.880 Yes? 0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:06.800 And it was like, you know, for us, we are yes, 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:13.520 can you wait? But before I jumped out, I was like. 0:18:16.080 --> 0:18:19.040 She it was innocent enough, like are you like just 0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:21.800 give me a minute, and not to receive it like 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:22.560 can you wait? 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:26.879 Her being smart because I hopefully she ain't mean it 0:18:26.920 --> 0:18:27.240 that way. 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:30.399 I'm going to receive it as she ain't mean it 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:32.280 that way, so I don't have to get out on her. 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:36.840 But those are the lessons, right, The lessons are really identifying. 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:38.600 What is. 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:43.600 What is innocent from from a four year old brain 0:18:45.440 --> 0:18:50.679 versus me receiving it as a year yeah, And so 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:52.960 that that is the lesson because I really was, cause 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:55.639 I instantly, like everybody in here when I heard it, 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:58.720 I was like, can I wait? But then I was like, 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.720 wait a minute, maybe she didn't mean it that. 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:06.679 Way, and so I was just like, Okay, my lesson 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:11.560 that I I've learned through this whole experience of grandparenting, 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:18.840 accident parenting. It's patience, patience not only with them, but 0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:23.840 patience with myself. Patience with myself, cause it's conversations that 0:19:24.920 --> 0:19:25.240 I have. 0:19:25.320 --> 0:19:27.760 With my grandchildren that I did not have with my 0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:28.280 my kids. 0:19:28.520 --> 0:19:31.640 M my kids are like, if I tell you more 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:34.320 than one time, there's a problem, that's right, there's there's. 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:34.840 There's a problem. 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.800 With my grandchildren, I give them a little bit more 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:41.120 leadway because they're are they're they're they're in my home, 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:45.640 but they're not in my home all the time, and 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:49.560 the parenting that I give them they're not receiving elsewhere. 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:52.360 So I have to be patient on that because they're 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:53.920 hearing and seeing things. 0:19:53.640 --> 0:19:56.600 Differently other than in my household. 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:00.960 But I do I I correct it out of of love. 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:05.520 I corrected, Hey, we bless them here. We don't do 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:08.000 that in here. We love each other in here. 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:10.199 Don't talk to your sister like that, don't talk to 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:11.040 your brother like that. 0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:14.399 And when they do argue, I did take this lesson 0:20:15.040 --> 0:20:17.280 that I did with my own children when they argued 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:19.119 and fight, I used to make them sit in the 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:21.479 mirror with each look at each other and hold each 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:24.600 other's hand and tell each other how much. 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:27.120 You love each other. And they did not like it. 0:20:27.280 --> 0:20:32.000 So my he's like no, I did not. 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:36.239 Yes, so I do that with my grandchildren now, and 0:20:36.280 --> 0:20:38.280 they said, I love you Camilla. 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:39.080 I love you Ishmael. 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:41.680 What you like about your brother, what you like And 0:20:41.400 --> 0:20:44.680 then it helps me learn something about myself, like Okay, 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:46.920 good job, and it's okay to have a good job 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:47.840 to yourself because. 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:50.560 We need it. Yes, we need the good jobs and 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:51.880 job well done. 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:53.680 And what else can I do to help you because 0:20:53.720 --> 0:20:55.760 we need to help as grandparents. 0:20:55.880 --> 0:20:57.680 Yes, I talk about that in the book. 0:20:57.720 --> 0:20:59.920 I'm not sure if that was one of your questions, 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:02.959 but I talk about help in the book because as 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:05.760 for how to ask for it, how to receive it, 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:09.240 how to recognize it, how to tell people how to help, 0:21:09.560 --> 0:21:12.280 because not everybody knows the help that you need. And 0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:15.480 sometimes people offer help and it's the wrong kind of help, 0:21:16.160 --> 0:21:18.919 Like it's you know, even with my husband and my 0:21:19.040 --> 0:21:22.080 son or whatever, they would help, but help is a 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:23.960 little more than changing a. 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:26.720 Diaper at the time or making her. 0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:28.600 Something to eat or you know what I'm saying, Like 0:21:28.640 --> 0:21:30.920 it's like, you gotta like know the kind of help 0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:34.320 that I need and don't be offended when I say you, 0:21:34.359 --> 0:21:36.760 because they definitely got offended, and I was like you 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:40.199 aren't helping or this isn't helping, and they would be like. 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:41.720 Well how you how it'll help? 0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:44.320 Yeah, So it's like you really have to learn to 0:21:44.520 --> 0:21:48.520 understand and recognize what helps. Look what help looks like 0:21:48.560 --> 0:21:52.800 for you at whatever stage you're in, and so it's 0:21:52.840 --> 0:21:55.560 not gonna always be the same. Yes, the help is 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:59.479 what help is needed at that time. And so we 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:03.080 have to learn and especially because as because at first 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:06.480 it was me like I was just like when Ama 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:08.440 sick is me? When ever got to go to the 0:22:08.520 --> 0:22:11.840 daycare is me? Wheneva gotta be picked up from daycare 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:13.360 is me? You know what I'm saying. 0:22:13.400 --> 0:22:15.280 It's like, so those things are all me. 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:18.520 So you coming in the room and talk to her 0:22:18.600 --> 0:22:20.560 for five minutes and then going on about your day. 0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:29.159 My routine, Yes, that is disruptive my routine, yes, yes, 0:22:29.400 --> 0:22:31.000 And so that is that's important. 0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:32.680 I have that. I have that. 0:22:34.000 --> 0:22:37.080 My husband and I we do it totally different. I 0:22:37.160 --> 0:22:40.560 have a routine that I follow and I follow it. 0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:43.440 He has this routine and I was like, that's burger 0:22:43.520 --> 0:22:43.760 for you. 0:22:46.600 --> 0:22:47.080 That's cool. 0:22:47.080 --> 0:22:51.440 But we have a routine that we go by. They 0:22:51.520 --> 0:22:54.160 know when it's my day and they know when it's 0:22:54.320 --> 0:23:01.720 g Daddy's day. They know, they know, they know the routine, 0:23:01.880 --> 0:23:05.320 and that's what the kids believe me though, Yeah, boutine, 0:23:06.600 --> 0:23:07.920 utine and structure. 0:23:08.280 --> 0:23:11.200 So I think for me though, I kind of lucked 0:23:11.280 --> 0:23:12.840 up on that part because we spoke about it a 0:23:12.840 --> 0:23:18.320 little bit. I honestly don't know how I would deal 0:23:18.440 --> 0:23:21.680 with the other side of the family. 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:24.280 Okay, yeah, we talked to those I don't know. 0:23:24.400 --> 0:23:30.280 So, just to share with everyone here, my granddaughter's other 0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:33.480 side of the family is not involved at all, Like 0:23:33.560 --> 0:23:36.080 I don't I don't even I honestly don't know these people. 0:23:36.160 --> 0:23:38.600 Like you could be her grandfather and I'd be like, Okay, 0:23:38.640 --> 0:23:42.000 how you doing because I don't know them, right and so, 0:23:42.359 --> 0:23:48.720 but for April, she is co grandparenting and better words, yes, 0:23:49.000 --> 0:23:53.560 and so I think that would be difficult for me 0:23:53.960 --> 0:24:00.320 because to your point, you have your things, your way 0:24:00.359 --> 0:24:03.959 of teaching, your the way that you are rearing her 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:06.439 and her grandparents used to say, and so it's like 0:24:07.280 --> 0:24:11.280 to have someone undo what you do. 0:24:13.520 --> 0:24:18.760 I'm ready to fight. It's it's a hard task. It's 0:24:18.760 --> 0:24:21.720 gonna it's a hard task. What's it? What's the term 0:24:22.359 --> 0:24:25.720 relearning or rethinking? You know, as far, it's like doing 0:24:25.800 --> 0:24:30.200 it over and over here, so that's that's my task, 0:24:30.280 --> 0:24:33.639 Like okay, do it over again. So how so I 0:24:33.680 --> 0:24:34.560 have to say that. 0:24:34.800 --> 0:24:40.239 The other part, the other pair, isn't doing what they 0:24:40.359 --> 0:24:42.360 supposed to do. It's just what is not doing. 0:24:42.119 --> 0:24:47.000 It in my own It's just not nobody. Nothing is wrong. 0:24:48.240 --> 0:24:51.480 It's just different, Yeah, because there's different aspects of parenting 0:24:51.680 --> 0:24:56.240 and guidance, guidance different. 0:24:56.240 --> 0:25:03.800 And you know for us as as all grandparents, we 0:25:04.240 --> 0:25:08.000 parents in a different way because I know and I 0:25:08.040 --> 0:25:09.960 look at these young. 0:25:09.800 --> 0:25:13.880 Adults and these generations that want to call you by 0:25:13.920 --> 0:25:18.240 your first name, don't want don't want to. 0:25:19.720 --> 0:25:22.760 Don't want to say hi, don't say please and thank you. 0:25:23.280 --> 0:25:25.520 I have found so grandparenting. 0:25:25.640 --> 0:25:30.800 This is funny because grandparenting has made me want to grandparents' society. 0:25:31.440 --> 0:25:34.879 I looked at somebody grown man was in the elevator 0:25:34.920 --> 0:25:38.959 with me the other day and was like five, can 0:25:39.000 --> 0:25:39.680 you press five? 0:25:40.200 --> 0:25:46.080 And I was like please, that's fine, and so he 0:25:46.240 --> 0:25:47.840 said it, but I know he was cussing me out 0:25:47.840 --> 0:25:48.240 in his head. 0:25:48.240 --> 0:25:52.159 But it's like you please, like you have to say please, 0:25:52.200 --> 0:25:54.480 and so it's like, but that's what's going on, Like 0:25:54.520 --> 0:25:59.120 there's no manners anymore. There's no there's no discipline, there's 0:25:59.160 --> 0:26:01.880 no structure. 0:26:00.840 --> 0:26:03.919 And it's just like I couldnot baby. 0:26:04.040 --> 0:26:09.680 I don't, oh, April, I don't know. 0:26:10.760 --> 0:26:13.200 I'm trying to because I don't know because if I 0:26:13.240 --> 0:26:19.280 had figure it out, you know, struggle it is because 0:26:19.280 --> 0:26:26.920 if she came back to me after a weekend acting away. Yeah, 0:26:27.640 --> 0:26:28.600 next question, it's. 0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:32.520 A lot, It's a lot. 0:26:31.160 --> 0:26:31.480 Okay. 0:26:32.880 --> 0:26:39.560 My next one was parenting through adversity. MM, parenting through adversity? 0:26:39.600 --> 0:26:44.200 How do you see that? I see it is parenting 0:26:44.560 --> 0:26:48.679 to through adversity because, as we said, my son is 0:26:49.320 --> 0:26:52.040 an addict and he's trying his best. And I know 0:26:52.280 --> 0:26:55.680 that's a different ball game, it's a different beast. But 0:26:55.720 --> 0:27:00.600 the adversity that I see it is the kids don't know. Yeah, 0:27:00.720 --> 0:27:02.840 they they don't know, but they don't they know. My 0:27:02.880 --> 0:27:06.199 grandson knows a little bit because you know, when they 0:27:06.320 --> 0:27:09.800 come around with you don't know. But when my son 0:27:09.880 --> 0:27:10.560 do come around. 0:27:11.119 --> 0:27:13.439 The kids are very smart. They're very smart. 0:27:13.480 --> 0:27:16.520 They have feelings and I know that and I'm speaking 0:27:16.600 --> 0:27:22.399 out of experience, yes, because I ash ash I spoke before. 0:27:22.760 --> 0:27:26.399 My parents were addicts, but my mom was a functioning 0:27:26.440 --> 0:27:28.800 at it, so I knew when it would right, when 0:27:28.800 --> 0:27:31.240 she would roll, I knew in a couple of days, 0:27:32.400 --> 0:27:33.919 it's gonna be different around here. 0:27:33.960 --> 0:27:35.320 I'm gonna be in this piece by myself. 0:27:35.359 --> 0:27:37.359 I'm gonna have to get to school by myself, and 0:27:37.359 --> 0:27:41.000 I'm gonna come home by myself. But it's different with 0:27:41.160 --> 0:27:46.520 my son only because he has two well not too well. 0:27:46.560 --> 0:27:51.240 I can only speak for my household. He has two parents. 0:27:51.680 --> 0:27:55.680 Speaking of my husband myself that's willing to catch him, 0:27:55.800 --> 0:27:57.000 me catch him. 0:27:56.760 --> 0:28:00.400 As catch him as a father and catch him as 0:28:00.440 --> 0:28:00.840 a son. 0:28:01.280 --> 0:28:06.480 So dealing with adversities with parenting grandchildren. You wanna pop 0:28:06.560 --> 0:28:09.840 up and be dad today and then be absent tomorrow. 0:28:09.920 --> 0:28:15.480 That's hard. Yeah, I think for me, as. 0:28:15.359 --> 0:28:19.720 I've shared before and I've shared with others, the adversity 0:28:19.800 --> 0:28:24.320 for me right now is just raising Ava right and 0:28:24.440 --> 0:28:26.240 raising able to be a good person. 0:28:27.600 --> 0:28:30.680 The hard part is gonna come when my daughter comes home. 0:28:31.760 --> 0:28:35.160 So you know, it's like when my daughter comes home, 0:28:35.240 --> 0:28:38.240 she will have missed all of the formative years right 0:28:38.320 --> 0:28:42.960 Like I've done all the potty training, all of the building, 0:28:43.000 --> 0:28:46.840 the foundation, you know, the pleasing, thank you, the manners, 0:28:46.840 --> 0:28:50.840 the the whole thing. Like she will have missed all 0:28:50.880 --> 0:28:56.000 of the formative years. And the adversity comes in because 0:28:56.040 --> 0:28:59.320 she can't just come home and feel like she's gonna 0:28:59.360 --> 0:29:04.400 start being a primary parent like we we can that 0:29:04.400 --> 0:29:08.680 that is going to be. I don't know what that's 0:29:08.720 --> 0:29:09.120 gonna be. 0:29:09.560 --> 0:29:10.120 It's gonna be. 0:29:10.120 --> 0:29:15.640 A lot of adversity because again because my granddaughter knows her. 0:29:16.240 --> 0:29:21.000 She knows mommy, but she knows mommy through the phone 0:29:21.200 --> 0:29:23.560 or mommy on a computer when we do the video 0:29:23.640 --> 0:29:26.280 calls and anything like that. And she's only seen my 0:29:26.400 --> 0:29:31.760 daughter in person one time since she was a baby, 0:29:32.520 --> 0:29:35.440 and so you know, like one time that she saw her, 0:29:36.240 --> 0:29:39.600 they they play together. But even with that, like my 0:29:39.720 --> 0:29:41.920 daughter was you know, cause we went down to the prison, 0:29:42.080 --> 0:29:45.320 they had like a family day and so you know, 0:29:45.440 --> 0:29:49.200 I sat back and she was acting like not that 0:29:49.280 --> 0:29:50.560 she was acting like she was in a way or 0:29:50.600 --> 0:29:53.479 anything like that, but she definitely wasn't like a you know, 0:29:53.920 --> 0:29:55.720 let me grab her and take her and everything else 0:29:55.800 --> 0:29:57.480 like that, and you know, able want to keep on 0:29:57.520 --> 0:30:00.080 coming to me, and I'm like, nah, go buch your mother, you. 0:30:00.160 --> 0:30:05.200 Know, And so that is going to be It's gonna 0:30:05.200 --> 0:30:05.440 be a. 0:30:05.360 --> 0:30:11.600 Lot of conversations it's gonna be a lot of boundary setting, 0:30:12.400 --> 0:30:14.200 it's gonna be a lot of. 0:30:15.840 --> 0:30:17.040 Just figuring it out. 0:30:17.720 --> 0:30:21.200 But what I know one thousand percent is that she 0:30:21.280 --> 0:30:23.480 will not come to my home and feel like she's 0:30:23.520 --> 0:30:27.080 going to undo everything that we did. And so that 0:30:27.360 --> 0:30:31.560 whatever that means and whatever that takes, that's that's. 0:30:31.360 --> 0:30:33.800 What's going to happen and what's not going to happen. Yes, 0:30:34.320 --> 0:30:37.080 I see too. Also in your book. 0:30:39.160 --> 0:30:44.320 This journal, yes, this this is it's a guide and 0:30:44.520 --> 0:30:47.280 also a journal in it, and which is I felt 0:30:47.320 --> 0:30:52.800 was pretty dope because after you you've dove into this guide, 0:30:53.480 --> 0:30:54.720 what can you do with information? 0:30:55.560 --> 0:30:58.040 You can journal? And which is pretty dope. So tell 0:30:58.080 --> 0:30:58.480 us a lot. 0:30:58.800 --> 0:31:03.040 And what's crazy is the person who edited my book 0:31:03.760 --> 0:31:07.640 was like, I wouldn't advise any of my clients to 0:31:07.680 --> 0:31:10.080 add a journal at the fact, like I. 0:31:10.040 --> 0:31:11.200 Just don't feel like it's well. 0:31:12.760 --> 0:31:16.320 And I was like, I feel like it is necessary, 0:31:16.360 --> 0:31:18.360 and I did, Like, I let her do the editing 0:31:18.440 --> 0:31:21.760 and do the formatting and everything she did, and I 0:31:21.840 --> 0:31:26.360 added it afterwards because for me, to your point, I 0:31:26.360 --> 0:31:29.920 felt it was important for people to be able to 0:31:30.960 --> 0:31:35.240 write down what they learned, be able to take. 0:31:35.040 --> 0:31:36.560 Notes on what's important to them. 0:31:36.720 --> 0:31:39.600 Yes, whatever the important parts were to be able to 0:31:40.840 --> 0:31:44.400 maybe a jog, a core memory or something. Maybe something 0:31:44.400 --> 0:31:46.640 in the book sparked something else that you went through 0:31:46.760 --> 0:31:49.520 or something, but you needed a space to write it down, 0:31:49.640 --> 0:31:51.040 Like I wanted you to be able to have a 0:31:51.040 --> 0:31:53.840 space and a spot to write down whatever you took 0:31:53.880 --> 0:31:57.720 away from the book. And also too that that was 0:31:57.720 --> 0:32:00.760 the reason that I added stories from other people. Yes, 0:32:01.280 --> 0:32:04.880 because I wanted this book not only to be tips 0:32:04.880 --> 0:32:07.520 and tools on how to deal with what you're going through. 0:32:07.600 --> 0:32:09.080 I wanted you to hear the. 0:32:09.080 --> 0:32:11.720 Stories from other people so that you know you're not 0:32:11.800 --> 0:32:12.880 alone on this journey. 0:32:13.400 --> 0:32:16.920 And so I spoke to several people on both sides. 0:32:16.920 --> 0:32:17.560 I spoke to. 0:32:18.120 --> 0:32:23.160 Parents, accidental parents, and then individuals who were raised by 0:32:23.160 --> 0:32:26.560 accidental parents to see it from both sides, because you 0:32:26.760 --> 0:32:29.040 have to. And you and I spoke about this briefly 0:32:29.040 --> 0:32:32.320 in the fact, although you know, like my struggles and 0:32:32.400 --> 0:32:35.720 everything that I've gone through got me here and I 0:32:35.760 --> 0:32:39.320 love where I am. Yes, agreed, It's just like what 0:32:39.400 --> 0:32:41.720 if what if I had both of my parents? 0:32:42.120 --> 0:32:44.960 What if my parents didn't struggle with what they struggled with? 0:32:45.120 --> 0:32:47.440 What if I mean and then even on the opposite 0:32:47.440 --> 0:32:49.160 of that, what if I had my grandparents, Like, what 0:32:49.200 --> 0:32:50.640 if my grandparents were like, nah. 0:32:50.520 --> 0:32:51.160 Take this kids. 0:32:52.320 --> 0:32:54.760 So it's like, I want you to be able to 0:32:54.800 --> 0:32:58.040 have a space to reflect on all of those things. 0:32:58.640 --> 0:33:02.120 I'm on feback. I'm believe that everything happening to behind time. 0:33:02.280 --> 0:33:04.640 Yes, I believe that you are who you're supposed to 0:33:04.640 --> 0:33:09.920 be right now. Yes, even with no parents, grandparents, uncle, 0:33:10.520 --> 0:33:11.760 I'm gonna share this with you. 0:33:12.000 --> 0:33:14.480 I'm fifty years old and I just found out that 0:33:14.520 --> 0:33:18.400 my my father's not my father. He yes, I just 0:33:19.480 --> 0:33:20.400 like two months ago. 0:33:20.880 --> 0:33:25.480 And I don't feel betrayed, and I don't feel why 0:33:26.320 --> 0:33:28.840 none of that. My father was my father, My mother 0:33:28.960 --> 0:33:31.400 was my f my mother, and I was dealt those 0:33:31.440 --> 0:33:32.240 cards and. 0:33:32.200 --> 0:33:33.880 I played the hand I was dealt. 0:33:34.040 --> 0:33:37.560 I'm just appreciative of the time that I have with 0:33:37.840 --> 0:33:39.360 my DNA now. 0:33:40.160 --> 0:33:43.680 So going forward, I'm gonna enjoy whatever we give each other. 0:33:44.240 --> 0:33:46.680 That's what we're gonna give each other. I am the 0:33:46.760 --> 0:33:50.800 oldest of eleven oof. I grew up an only child. 0:33:51.440 --> 0:33:54.680 So I was gonna say, because I know that your 0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:58.000 husband shared that you met your dad, but I didn't 0:33:58.040 --> 0:34:02.160 know that you had a dad. 0:34:02.360 --> 0:34:07.120 That's so especial. Yeah, I'm interested in an accidental parent. 0:34:07.240 --> 0:34:10.600 My dad was a dad, but he wasn't a father 0:34:10.719 --> 0:34:12.840 that when he came picked me up. I still remember 0:34:12.880 --> 0:34:14.920 the phone number when you can say I'm coming and 0:34:15.000 --> 0:34:15.600 never showed up. 0:34:15.800 --> 0:34:17.800 At fifty years old, I still remember that phone number. 0:34:18.040 --> 0:34:18.799 I still remember the. 0:34:18.800 --> 0:34:22.440 Phone ungerer, are you coming. Whenever I say dad, I'm 0:34:22.440 --> 0:34:25.040 talking about my father. I'm not talking about DNA ohever. 0:34:25.560 --> 0:34:28.839 I always get that. Make sure understand whenever I say 0:34:28.920 --> 0:34:30.040 dad or father, I'm. 0:34:29.840 --> 0:34:32.720 Talking about that man who raised me and called me daughter, 0:34:32.840 --> 0:34:36.200 not the DNA because at this point DNA is DNA 0:34:36.400 --> 0:34:39.480 really don't matter. You know, relationships what you make them 0:34:39.840 --> 0:34:42.440 at the end of the day. But the father that 0:34:42.560 --> 0:34:46.040 I knew, I mean, it's it's accidental parent on him. 0:34:46.400 --> 0:34:48.759 He dropped me off at my grandparents off. Those were 0:34:48.800 --> 0:34:49.360 my parents. 0:34:49.600 --> 0:34:49.759 You know. 0:34:49.840 --> 0:34:53.040 When my father would come and get me for my mom, he. 0:34:53.000 --> 0:34:55.600 Would take me to my and skirt out. You know, 0:34:56.840 --> 0:34:59.200 he still understand until the vice versa. 0:34:59.080 --> 0:34:59.560 With my mom. 0:34:59.600 --> 0:35:02.840 You know my mom, she you know, functioned in at 0:35:02.960 --> 0:35:05.279 it as I said, and you know she was out 0:35:05.320 --> 0:35:08.879 there and if she if I went to my Auntie's house, 0:35:09.160 --> 0:35:11.120 which was her friend, that was my aunt. I stayed 0:35:11.120 --> 0:35:13.320 there for forever, you know. I stayed there when she 0:35:13.800 --> 0:35:16.279 when her kids was in Catholic school. Everyone was in 0:35:16.360 --> 0:35:20.400 Catholic school too, you know, not because of direction of 0:35:20.560 --> 0:35:21.000 my mother. 0:35:21.320 --> 0:35:23.680 It is because she was accidentally parenting me. 0:35:23.880 --> 0:35:26.480 Yes, And I can't be great nothing but grateful for 0:35:27.320 --> 0:35:30.279 everybody who accidentally parent me. 0:35:30.800 --> 0:35:35.800 Yeah, everybody. And I'm very appreciative of it, all of 0:35:35.920 --> 0:35:39.439 it all. So yeah, yeah, that DNA on job. Yeah, 0:35:39.840 --> 0:35:42.120 that's why I was like, I knew I saw some 0:35:42.360 --> 0:35:44.080 of it, but of course I I wouldn't know the 0:35:44.120 --> 0:35:48.760 whole story. But yeah, I mean it is different because 0:35:49.640 --> 0:35:55.080 you know, even when you have your parents, that doesn't 0:35:55.120 --> 0:35:57.440 mean that they're the dad or the mom, you know 0:35:57.520 --> 0:35:57.920 what I mean. 0:35:58.080 --> 0:36:00.959 Like cause I have my step mother who passed away 0:36:01.400 --> 0:36:06.880 about two years ago now, but my stepmother remained my 0:36:07.120 --> 0:36:11.760 mother through divorce, through a new marriage. My dad married 0:36:11.800 --> 0:36:14.160 somebody else. I ain't even like that hick, you know 0:36:14.239 --> 0:36:16.640 what I mean. Like the first step mother was the 0:36:16.760 --> 0:36:17.960 one was stuck. 0:36:17.920 --> 0:36:18.520 You know what I mean. 0:36:18.600 --> 0:36:20.760 And so it's like even though my mom was around, 0:36:21.400 --> 0:36:24.319 even though he married this new woman, the step mother 0:36:24.520 --> 0:36:25.560 was the one like that was. 0:36:25.640 --> 0:36:28.480 That was who I spoke to, confided in who the 0:36:28.600 --> 0:36:31.720 kids knew everything, having divine daughter because I have a daughter, 0:36:33.080 --> 0:36:34.480 Yes I do, I have a daughter. 0:36:34.560 --> 0:36:38.040 I don't and I don't. None of my children are 0:36:38.120 --> 0:36:38.840 step children. 0:36:39.000 --> 0:36:39.359 None of them. 0:36:39.400 --> 0:36:42.160 They my kids, my daughter, son or whatever, and I 0:36:42.320 --> 0:36:51.879 have that. Come on, come on, okay, come on in here. 0:36:52.000 --> 0:36:58.200 The cat's to write. Yes, I believed a book story, Y'allso. 0:36:59.440 --> 0:37:03.759 Yeah, we appreciate you guys for being with us. This 0:37:03.960 --> 0:37:06.440 is gonna be our last little question. I want you 0:37:06.640 --> 0:37:08.560 to tell everybody we can get your book. 0:37:08.600 --> 0:37:16.200 That's our last question. Yes you got some more okay, 0:37:16.480 --> 0:37:20.320 but yes, the book is available on Amazon. Don't you 0:37:20.440 --> 0:37:21.120 say that in here? 0:37:21.520 --> 0:37:21.680 Oh? 0:37:22.040 --> 0:37:26.520 The book is available at malis dot com. If you 0:37:26.640 --> 0:37:29.880 get your autographed copy, she will be signed. 0:37:30.000 --> 0:37:32.960 A should be autographing her books and you can only 0:37:33.080 --> 0:37:34.720 get it autographed. 0:37:34.160 --> 0:37:40.080 Copies and books. There you go. If you are following us, 0:37:40.239 --> 0:37:47.239 please to Malik Books on all Socio California to come on. 0:37:47.480 --> 0:37:48.000 You got to come. 0:37:48.520 --> 0:37:51.320 Yes, we can't wait to see you, and we appreciate 0:37:51.400 --> 0:37:54.960 your continued support for Malik and April. 0:37:55.920 --> 0:37:59.240 Please come and see us and cope the location questions. 0:38:02.480 --> 0:38:08.840 What she really meant was Mak's book is amazing question. 0:38:13.840 --> 0:38:17.200 I had a correction. What I really wanted to do 0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:19.720 was thank you for coming and sharing your story. 0:38:20.400 --> 0:38:24.480 It brought up, It brought up I was also accidentally 0:38:24.719 --> 0:38:28.600 parented by a lot of people. What what you said was, 0:38:28.840 --> 0:38:35.640 did you say drugs, incarculation, incarcuation and devastation and tragedy. 0:38:36.160 --> 0:38:41.040 Mine was mental illness. So my mother was mentally ill 0:38:41.480 --> 0:38:44.680 and it felt like she was on drugs. Yeah, it's 0:38:44.800 --> 0:38:48.640 kind of almost the same. Is the actions can be 0:38:48.880 --> 0:38:53.440 very similar. So I was accidentally parented by my grandmother, 0:38:53.760 --> 0:38:58.600 by my eyes, by the foster care system, by McLaren Hall, 0:38:58.719 --> 0:38:59.439 by a lot. 0:38:59.400 --> 0:39:02.600 Of different because they didn't know what to do with me. 0:39:03.200 --> 0:39:06.000 So like that's how I ended up in McLaren House. 0:39:06.080 --> 0:39:07.400 So that's why when. 0:39:07.239 --> 0:39:09.719 I hear your story, I'm like, wow, it just brought 0:39:09.840 --> 0:39:13.000 up so many memories for me as a child, And 0:39:13.120 --> 0:39:17.440 God blessed you and you too able from taking care of. 0:39:17.600 --> 0:39:22.520 Someone else's child and giving them love and people. 0:39:23.200 --> 0:39:26.920 I I and it is so important to explain everything 0:39:27.120 --> 0:39:28.680 about life to kids. 0:39:29.239 --> 0:39:31.240 I think because I was in so many. 0:39:31.160 --> 0:39:35.680 Different homes and so many accidentally parenting situations. 0:39:36.239 --> 0:39:39.680 I think they assumed I knew stuff from home to home. 0:39:39.920 --> 0:39:42.960 Yeah, I didn't know anything about my like when you 0:39:43.040 --> 0:39:46.399 started yea, your female, my female, I didn't know any 0:39:46.640 --> 0:39:48.799 I think they assumed that I learned that from somewhere else. 0:39:49.080 --> 0:39:51.560 They No one talked me about how to talk to 0:39:51.719 --> 0:39:55.080 boys and how they approach you and the only thing 0:39:55.160 --> 0:39:56.879 that they want from you. I believe that they. 0:39:56.800 --> 0:40:00.239 Assume that someone else I already knew this. I have 0:40:00.320 --> 0:40:03.200 to learn all of these things on my own. And 0:40:03.360 --> 0:40:05.960 one of the most important things that I feel is 0:40:06.000 --> 0:40:08.160 you gotta tell a child. You got to tell them 0:40:08.400 --> 0:40:11.600 your experiences and the things that you know. And I'm 0:40:11.760 --> 0:40:14.719 so grateful that too. There are two women in this 0:40:14.840 --> 0:40:17.560 world you're too, sitting up there so that are doing 0:40:17.680 --> 0:40:21.600 this and are parenting these these children now. And what 0:40:21.760 --> 0:40:24.800 I do now for living, I'm a behavior therapist, so 0:40:24.960 --> 0:40:25.560 I'm learning. 0:40:26.040 --> 0:40:28.520 Like you would say. So when I heard you say 0:40:28.719 --> 0:40:31.120 that your your granddaughter said. 0:40:31.760 --> 0:40:42.879 Wait, yeah, yeah, like back in the day, would yeah, 0:40:43.280 --> 0:40:46.759 and she would have been flying for as a behavioral therapist, 0:40:47.360 --> 0:40:49.239 I would this is what they have done. 0:40:49.360 --> 0:40:53.520 My training is teaching me. Let's try that again. Let's try. 0:40:53.560 --> 0:40:55.000 You still teach a child manners. 0:40:55.200 --> 0:40:59.680 When other people hear me do the Aba method with children, 0:41:00.120 --> 0:41:02.440 they like, you're teaching her to matters. 0:41:02.480 --> 0:41:04.360 That's not a ba you, No, it's not. It's he 0:41:04.840 --> 0:41:06.800 you say you're welcome. They don't teach you in Aba. 0:41:07.080 --> 0:41:10.719 I'm teaching you how to be a human society. I'm 0:41:10.760 --> 0:41:13.160 teaching you a life's heal. You said you're welcome. 0:41:13.320 --> 0:41:16.880 When the teacher hands you something, say thanks, say you're welcome, 0:41:17.520 --> 0:41:20.319 you know, or say thank you you know. And that's 0:41:20.400 --> 0:41:21.879 what I get to teach my kids. 0:41:21.920 --> 0:41:24.439 I teach them a little bit more. And that's from 0:41:25.320 --> 0:41:27.920 my upgrading and and things that I learn her. So 0:41:28.000 --> 0:41:38.560 thank you to women. And this is just a little bit. Look, 0:41:38.640 --> 0:41:40.439 I might have to write another book after my daughter 0:41:40.560 --> 0:41:40.879 come home. 0:41:40.920 --> 0:41:46.640 Okay, So I wanted to know how old will your 0:41:46.719 --> 0:41:48.600 granddaughter be when your daughter comes home? 0:41:49.360 --> 0:41:53.120 So yes, so she will be going on six. So okay, 0:41:53.280 --> 0:41:54.879 by the time my daughter comes home. 0:41:54.960 --> 0:41:57.920 That's why I was saying, like she's already like when 0:41:57.960 --> 0:41:59.880 she comes home, she'll already be in school for real, 0:42:00.520 --> 0:42:04.000 and so like she's missed all of the formative years. 0:42:04.080 --> 0:42:06.880 She's missed all of the fundamentals. 0:42:07.000 --> 0:42:11.239 Yeah, and so that's why I'm like, honestly, I send 0:42:11.280 --> 0:42:14.000 this to somebody else, and I laugh when I think 0:42:14.040 --> 0:42:15.120 about it, and I laugh when I. 0:42:15.120 --> 0:42:24.839 Say it because I'm sorry, and it's gonna sound bad, 0:42:25.000 --> 0:42:27.040 and I know it does. It sounds bad. 0:42:27.719 --> 0:42:29.480 But I would love for my daughter to come home 0:42:29.520 --> 0:42:33.080 and be the navy, like like, I just need her 0:42:33.920 --> 0:42:36.440 to come home and do all the things that I 0:42:36.600 --> 0:42:38.520 can't do, you know what I mean, Like I want 0:42:38.600 --> 0:42:41.480 her to be the transportation. I want her to take 0:42:41.520 --> 0:42:43.960 her to gymnas. I don't even need it a paperwork, 0:42:44.040 --> 0:42:46.279 you know what I mean. I just want I want 0:42:46.440 --> 0:42:51.840 her to be that person like of course she's mom, 0:42:52.280 --> 0:42:55.600 you know what I mean, but as we are rebuilding 0:42:55.800 --> 0:43:00.840 that relationship, I need her to be that person that 0:43:01.040 --> 0:43:05.160 does all of the things, no questions answer, Like whatever 0:43:05.440 --> 0:43:08.480 Eva has going on, whatever activity she has going on, 0:43:09.320 --> 0:43:14.680 taking up to school, everything, I need her to be 0:43:14.800 --> 0:43:15.320 that person. 0:43:15.440 --> 0:43:21.879 That's that's what I That's what I need. That's that's 0:43:21.920 --> 0:43:25.480 what I need. I need that before she hit these 0:43:26.040 --> 0:43:27.160 because it's like I don't. 0:43:27.239 --> 0:43:27.839 I don't. 0:43:27.880 --> 0:43:29.839 And that's why I said I'm still figuring it out, y'all. 0:43:29.880 --> 0:43:32.680 I am, because this. This is it's hard. 0:43:33.239 --> 0:43:39.080 It's hard to it's hard to change the dynamics. Oh 0:43:39.280 --> 0:43:44.279 we felt, yes, well it's gonna come back, all right, Yeah, 0:43:44.360 --> 0:43:48.560 but it's hard to change the dynamic when you've been 0:43:48.719 --> 0:43:52.360 doing this for like six years, you know. And so 0:43:52.960 --> 0:43:57.239 I would want her to come back, And obviously I 0:43:57.400 --> 0:44:00.680 want them to bond and forde their relationship and do 0:44:00.920 --> 0:44:01.720 all the things. 0:44:02.520 --> 0:44:02.799 I just. 0:44:08.200 --> 0:44:13.640 Piggybacking off what you just said. I'm prayful and hopeful 0:44:14.480 --> 0:44:19.080 that when my son, light bulb comes on, because daughters 0:44:19.120 --> 0:44:20.879 are so different with their dad. 0:44:21.520 --> 0:44:24.640 Even though my grandson is proven he don't hit the 0:44:24.680 --> 0:44:26.160 way that he feels and the way he looks at 0:44:26.200 --> 0:44:27.920 his father, but his. 0:44:28.160 --> 0:44:31.200 Daughter, you know, it's totally different. 0:44:31.360 --> 0:44:35.560 So when that lightbulb kick on, and only thing matters 0:44:35.719 --> 0:44:40.960 is them that love for her dad, Oh my gosh, 0:44:41.080 --> 0:44:44.239 it's it's gonna be bananas. And I hope that he 0:44:45.080 --> 0:44:49.120 is able to feed and feester that relationship with her. 0:44:49.480 --> 0:44:51.560 Does he come around also or right now? 0:44:51.800 --> 0:44:54.960 He is getting help right now, But when he is here, 0:44:55.640 --> 0:44:57.880 you know, I don't, you don't know, but it's a. 0:44:57.920 --> 0:45:01.320 Hidden miss when you're when you're a antic as. 0:45:01.200 --> 0:45:03.439 A parent, who do I mean, I don't know your son, 0:45:03.680 --> 0:45:05.839 but I live but I live with but I got 0:45:06.320 --> 0:45:07.160 addicted parents. 0:45:07.280 --> 0:45:09.640 Yeah, okay, when you know, yeah, you know the hit miss. 0:45:09.640 --> 0:45:12.920 It's a hidden miss. But kids still long for that relationship. 0:45:13.719 --> 0:45:15.560 I don't care if they didn't see their parent on 0:45:15.640 --> 0:45:16.040 the street. 0:45:16.840 --> 0:45:19.640 They still long for that that relationship for the parent. 0:45:20.000 --> 0:45:20.880 But when you are a. 0:45:21.120 --> 0:45:25.920 Full on parent and you are a father to a daughter, 0:45:27.560 --> 0:45:30.200 the relationship is just like that. The daughter is so 0:45:30.360 --> 0:45:34.239 in love with the dad. Because I was in love 0:45:34.280 --> 0:45:36.879 with my father, I was like, my mother couldn't tell 0:45:36.920 --> 0:45:37.600 me nothing about that. 0:45:37.680 --> 0:45:38.360 Man, even. 0:45:40.480 --> 0:45:43.560 Every weekend, like what are you coming? And my mother 0:45:44.200 --> 0:45:46.480 she couldn't tell me nothing about that about the man. 0:45:46.560 --> 0:45:49.239 And too, I became an adult and understood, like, oh, 0:45:49.840 --> 0:45:52.319 this is what she was talking about, this is what. 0:45:52.440 --> 0:45:54.200 She's talking about. So if I didn't talk to you 0:45:54.320 --> 0:45:56.520 for ten years, I didn't, I didn't care, but I 0:45:56.640 --> 0:45:58.840 knew when I did talk to him, that was my daddy. 0:45:59.320 --> 0:46:00.840 That was my father, and at the. 0:46:00.960 --> 0:46:03.800 End of his life, because he's he passed on the 0:46:03.920 --> 0:46:06.120 day I found out my DNA was ninety nine point 0:46:06.200 --> 0:46:06.600 nine nine. 0:46:06.840 --> 0:46:07.560 My father. 0:46:09.160 --> 0:46:15.840 Before look, I know, day on September thirteenth, my father 0:46:15.960 --> 0:46:20.760 transition this year. I'm on that day my DNA results 0:46:20.840 --> 0:46:21.720 came in from. 0:46:22.120 --> 0:46:25.319 The biological about that that man was my father ninety 0:46:25.400 --> 0:46:26.000 nine point nine? 0:46:26.800 --> 0:46:27.560 Wait, how what? 0:46:27.920 --> 0:46:33.000 What major do this. 0:46:34.760 --> 0:46:35.000 Believe? 0:46:35.000 --> 0:46:37.480 Because if they called me and I thought it was 0:46:37.480 --> 0:46:39.600 a telemarker, my husband can attested this. 0:46:39.800 --> 0:46:42.880 I'm talking to the baby she's now my niece, and 0:46:42.920 --> 0:46:45.320 I'm like, are you sure this? 0:46:45.719 --> 0:46:47.120 She didn't know how to say much. My name is 0:46:47.160 --> 0:46:50.000 a Prollo and she was trying to say it. I'm like, 0:46:50.200 --> 0:46:51.759 I thought it was a telling tomorrow. I was like, yeah, 0:46:51.800 --> 0:46:52.439 this is she's speaking. 0:46:52.520 --> 0:46:54.839 How can I help you? She said, well, my name 0:46:55.040 --> 0:46:57.439 is Casey and I think you might be my aunt 0:46:57.680 --> 0:46:59.680 meet me and then only child. I'm like, how can 0:46:59.719 --> 0:47:03.040 I be your aunt? I don't have no sublings, how 0:47:03.080 --> 0:47:05.800 can I be? What is this information come from? My 0:47:05.960 --> 0:47:06.520 mom is. 0:47:06.560 --> 0:47:10.520 Telling me that she been telling sorry, she's been telling me. 0:47:10.600 --> 0:47:14.720 She has a sister in California and my grandpa David. 0:47:15.040 --> 0:47:17.280 And when she said that name, I just started laughing 0:47:17.920 --> 0:47:21.400 and d or yohy. 0:47:22.040 --> 0:47:23.960 So my human like what are you doing laughing over 0:47:24.000 --> 0:47:28.319 there with the telemarketer? So I did a twenty three. 0:47:28.440 --> 0:47:30.759 Well, my husband did a twenty three and me on 0:47:30.880 --> 0:47:32.719 all of our kids, me and him and the kids, 0:47:32.800 --> 0:47:37.040 and my DNA results two years ago, right about two years. 0:47:36.880 --> 0:47:41.000 Ago, didn't come back as my name my father. I'm like, what, 0:47:41.200 --> 0:47:43.640 why is it coming up? This Hicks, This Hicks is Hick. 0:47:43.719 --> 0:47:45.400 I'm like, what is this? I didn't know? 0:47:46.000 --> 0:47:49.000 So push forward ward two years I get this phone 0:47:49.040 --> 0:47:55.120 call and they'say, your mom was married to my grandpa. 0:47:55.920 --> 0:48:00.799 I'm like, how the man gets on up? They called 0:48:00.840 --> 0:48:04.080 the man, We FaceTime and everything. Yeah, I was married 0:48:04.120 --> 0:48:06.240 to your mom. You didn't know she was married? 0:48:06.480 --> 0:48:08.640 No, No, I did not know. 0:48:08.760 --> 0:48:11.680 My mom was married to this man for a year 0:48:11.680 --> 0:48:15.480 and a half. Well, I'm telling my mom business. 0:48:15.520 --> 0:48:22.400 She's not here. So this is the story. So my 0:48:22.600 --> 0:48:25.359 mom and my dad whenever I say my dad, I'm 0:48:25.360 --> 0:48:26.960 talking about my dad was together. 0:48:27.760 --> 0:48:29.880 She left my father and went to Arkansas, where she 0:48:30.040 --> 0:48:33.680 was born, and she started dating this this gentleman named David, 0:48:33.760 --> 0:48:34.600 and she married him. 0:48:35.239 --> 0:48:37.120 So she was finished with David. She's like, I'm done 0:48:37.120 --> 0:48:39.520 with you. I'm going back home. So she came back 0:48:39.560 --> 0:48:44.080 home to my dad, and my dad and her was together. 0:48:44.960 --> 0:48:47.719 She was in the hospital and I was born. My 0:48:47.880 --> 0:48:51.920 dad was there and everything so pushed forward. 0:48:52.920 --> 0:48:55.640 She my mom must have came back pregnant. Basically, yeah, 0:48:55.760 --> 0:48:58.160 she must have came back pregnant. And my dad was like, hey, 0:48:59.120 --> 0:49:00.600 this's mine and it don't. 0:49:00.360 --> 0:49:01.959 Even matter who is mine. 0:49:02.320 --> 0:49:06.160 So they called me on my father's birthday. All my 0:49:06.320 --> 0:49:08.719 dad's birthday, August nineteenth. 0:49:08.800 --> 0:49:09.880 It is my father's birthday. 0:49:09.920 --> 0:49:14.560 I got this walk home's birthday September thirteenth, my father transition, 0:49:15.480 --> 0:49:17.680 and I told her before I get too invested with 0:49:17.760 --> 0:49:19.600 all this information y'all giving me, I'm gonna. 0:49:19.360 --> 0:49:20.279 Need to get the DNA tests. 0:49:20.880 --> 0:49:21.840 What can we do it? 0:49:21.960 --> 0:49:25.279 So the sister, one of my other sisters found the 0:49:25.400 --> 0:49:27.760 DNA place. Mind you, my sister worked for the government. 0:49:27.840 --> 0:49:30.840 Decide they found me. She worked for the government and. 0:49:30.920 --> 0:49:33.480 She was too afraid to call, so she gave the baby, 0:49:33.840 --> 0:49:37.319 which is sixteen the numbers that you call WO So. 0:49:37.480 --> 0:49:40.400 They called and the information that they gave that she 0:49:40.520 --> 0:49:42.680 got was proven. She works for the government. 0:49:42.800 --> 0:49:45.840 So she knew the bookstore, she knew my husband, she 0:49:45.920 --> 0:49:50.359 knew everything. Wow, she knew everything. So the DNA said, look, 0:49:50.400 --> 0:49:52.120 look can I get the DNA. So she found the 0:49:52.160 --> 0:49:55.440 place we all swabbed. I video everything. 0:49:55.520 --> 0:49:56.120 We swabbed. 0:49:56.200 --> 0:49:59.960 I swabbed me, they swabbed the dad, and they swabbed 0:50:00.080 --> 0:50:03.359 the sisters, and everybody was like, oh, we can't wait, 0:50:03.520 --> 0:50:04.880 mind you. We did this on a Thursday. 0:50:05.520 --> 0:50:09.160 We had to wait Friday, the weekend they don't work, 0:50:09.640 --> 0:50:12.600 and Monday, so we had to wait. Holler. So I'm 0:50:12.640 --> 0:50:17.560 at thirteenth look on your email. My phone was blowing up. 0:50:18.320 --> 0:50:22.240 Should check my email check up and it said ninety 0:50:22.360 --> 0:50:25.080 nine for nine nine percent. This man to my father. Wow, 0:50:25.600 --> 0:50:27.480 I still don't believe it, though I call the people, 0:50:31.280 --> 0:50:32.279 Is this right? Mind you? 0:50:32.360 --> 0:50:34.560 I'm a nurse by tray. I knew it was right, 0:50:35.440 --> 0:50:37.960 but I just wasn't. I'm like, this is unbelievable. 0:50:38.440 --> 0:50:42.400 But I told I told my my sister friend to 0:50:42.480 --> 0:50:45.920 sit here. So I'm so grateful that my dad has passed. 0:50:46.680 --> 0:50:50.040 But I was grateful, Yeah, but I'm grateful that he had. 0:50:50.239 --> 0:50:54.120 He transitioned knowing that I knew that he was my father. 0:50:54.600 --> 0:50:57.360 He didn't have to answer to any of the questions 0:50:57.400 --> 0:51:00.759 that I have. So I'm so grateful for for that. 0:51:01.200 --> 0:51:04.000 We've only gone to Texas and seeing these people, and 0:51:04.120 --> 0:51:05.920 I was fighting with myself. 0:51:06.120 --> 0:51:08.680 Like am I betraying my mother by doing this, I 0:51:08.840 --> 0:51:11.200 was fighting. I'm like, if she didn't want me to know, 0:51:12.000 --> 0:51:14.000 she mustn't want me to know. Fifty years later and 0:51:14.120 --> 0:51:17.400 my mother has a twin sister, and she kept it 0:51:18.200 --> 0:51:19.880 and I needed I need a friend like her. I 0:51:19.960 --> 0:51:22.480 need a sister like her, because it wasn't her job 0:51:22.640 --> 0:51:26.600 to tell me anything. My mother told you, don't say anything. 0:51:26.920 --> 0:51:29.120 If she tell you, don't say anything. That's what she meant. 0:51:29.680 --> 0:51:32.000 Take it to your grave. Don't say anything. Let it 0:51:32.040 --> 0:51:33.319 come out when it needs to come out. 0:51:33.680 --> 0:51:36.600 When I finally told my aunt about the dnabris else, 0:51:36.640 --> 0:51:37.760 she said, thank you, I'm released. 0:51:38.080 --> 0:51:42.080 Oh wow, thank you, I'm released. 0:51:43.280 --> 0:51:47.000 So I'm grateful for my aunt, my mom, twin sister, 0:51:49.719 --> 0:51:53.920 sister the way in No, she passed on five years ago, 0:51:54.800 --> 0:51:56.600 so that's why I said, she's not here all too 0:51:56.920 --> 0:51:59.000 except by deny information. 0:52:00.239 --> 0:52:05.239 Yeah, I am the oldest. You've been the oldest and 0:52:05.320 --> 0:52:10.120 grew up the only child that is crazy, the only child. 0:52:10.160 --> 0:52:12.239 I was getting saying. That's a whole other story within 0:52:12.320 --> 0:52:22.000 itself going into that. But I actruly enjoyed our conversations. 0:52:22.320 --> 0:52:26.920 This for me. 0:52:29.000 --> 0:52:30.080 Make sure you pick it up. 0:52:37.440 --> 0:52:37.799 All right. 0:52:37.920 --> 0:52:44.680 Good night, guys, Thanks for listening to Malik's Bookshelf with 0:52:44.880 --> 0:52:47.880 topics on the shelf, our books, culture and community. 0:52:48.200 --> 0:52:51.040 Be sure to subscribe and leave me a review. Check 0:52:51.080 --> 0:52:54.120 out my Instagram at Malak Books. See you next time.