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Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

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Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff mom never told you?

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Speaker 1: From House top works dot com. Hello, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. I'm Kristin, I'm Molly. Today, Molly, you and

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Speaker 1: I are going to discuss the long distance relationship because,

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Speaker 1: as you know, most people would tell you long distance

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Speaker 1: relationships are just a recipe for failure. I hear that often. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: wouldn't you say? I mean, I've never come across an

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Speaker 1: article saying ten reasons why long distance relationships are the

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Speaker 1: most fulfilling, satisfying experiences of your life that will ultimately

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Speaker 1: lead to a forever union between two wonderful individuals. Kristen

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Speaker 1: just sits over the cubicle wall for me, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: that's too far. I know, Yeah, this is sweet right now,

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Speaker 1: and it's like a gulf. This whole table is so big. Um. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would say that most of the articles that you see,

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Speaker 1: most of the conversations, the anecdotes that you hear about

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Speaker 1: long distance relationships. I'm not going to go into personal details,

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Speaker 1: but you know, from friends of mine, let's say, uh,

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Speaker 1: long distance relationships, I know of not a single one

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Speaker 1: that has worked out. I was I was thinking right

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Speaker 1: there about whether I knew any I actually do know

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Speaker 1: a few that have worked out. Yeah, okay, And you know,

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Speaker 1: that's sort of why this was one of the topics

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Speaker 1: that we want to discuss, because even though you do

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Speaker 1: see all these articles about your relationship is doomed, people

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Speaker 1: still do it. Yeah, that's the thing. Even though we

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Speaker 1: know that they are really hard to pull off, a

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Speaker 1: ton of people still engage in long distance relationships, Like

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Speaker 1: for some reason, I don't know, do you think there's

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Speaker 1: some kind of allure to having a long distance relationship.

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Speaker 1: There's something incredibly romantic on the outset of, like, you know,

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Speaker 1: having that that long distance. I can see that. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I like my own space, so I don't need someone

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Speaker 1: who's there all the time. That's a little too much

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Speaker 1: for me, a little personal fact about me. And Molly's

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Speaker 1: always telling me to skid nattle. No, I'm not just

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Speaker 1: when you invade my personal space, just when I show

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Speaker 1: up at your apartment and announced anyway. Um, but I

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Speaker 1: do think they are probably people who are more suited

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Speaker 1: to it than others. And I think that's what we're

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Speaker 1: going to find is a very key aspect to a

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Speaker 1: successful long term relationship, and that is that two people

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Speaker 1: who have decided to do it. And that's where things

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Speaker 1: can get tricky because anyone can think, oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: we're the two that are going to make it. Our

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Speaker 1: love is strong enough to make it. But what actually

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Speaker 1: has to go on between those two people to make

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Speaker 1: a long distance relationship successful. Obviously, when you cannot see

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Speaker 1: someone day to day, you don't have that kind of

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Speaker 1: daily interaction. And in a lot of ways, your personal

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Speaker 1: lives are exists in separate sphere. You know, you don't

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Speaker 1: you aren't hanging out with same friends, you're not going

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Speaker 1: to the same places, etcetera. Um So, so yeah, trust

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Speaker 1: is a huge issue, and it comes up on the

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Speaker 1: ten reasons why long distance relationships just don't work from

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Speaker 1: the ever Positive House of Works dot com. It is

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Speaker 1: number seven on the list. In fact, it is lack

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Speaker 1: of trust because writer Tom Sheif says that a healthy

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Speaker 1: monogamous relationship requires of its participants in moral compass, ethical grounding, commitment,

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Speaker 1: and devotion, and long distance relationships jeopardize all of that.

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Speaker 1: He argues, what say you, Molly, Well, first, I just

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Speaker 1: want to point out that this article really ruffled a

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Speaker 1: lot of feathers around here because of that very negative

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Speaker 1: title that you just read off. Um. But as for trust,

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Speaker 1: I do think that he makes a point here that

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Speaker 1: just because you're in close proximity, you don't have that

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Speaker 1: same guarantee either. Basically, uh, you know, even if you

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Speaker 1: are in the same city and you do hang on

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Speaker 1: a fair amount of time, there are so many times

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Speaker 1: when you're not together all the time. So you're always

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Speaker 1: gonna happy, so you're always gonna have some trust issues.

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Speaker 1: The question is whether distance makes the trust issues so

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Speaker 1: much more present, which I guess it does. But um,

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's not even that the person has given you

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Speaker 1: a reason to doubt them, it's just your perceived the

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Speaker 1: idea of what they're giving to doubt you. And I think, Mom,

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Speaker 1: you're you're kind of getting at this aspect of someone's

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Speaker 1: negative affectivity. Yes, let's talk about negative affectivity. Because one

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Speaker 1: of the um scholarly of papers we've found about this

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Speaker 1: issue was from the Journal of Social Psychology. It's called

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Speaker 1: in terms of Uncertainty Predicting the Survival of Long distance relationships,

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Speaker 1: And um, you know, there have been a lot of

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Speaker 1: studies about whether the number of miles between a person

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Speaker 1: makes between the two people make a difference, whether um,

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Speaker 1: you know, how long they dated or didn't date before

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Speaker 1: they were long distance makes it makes a difference. And

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Speaker 1: these two researchers, Jessica J. Cameron and Michael Ross posit

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Speaker 1: that it's none of those factors that really makes the difference.

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Speaker 1: It's something called negative affectivity. And negative affectivity is sort

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Speaker 1: of what it sounds like. It's if you're pessimistic about

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Speaker 1: the future, if you have a tendency to experience a

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Speaker 1: lot of negative emotions such as anxiety and depression, if

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Speaker 1: you have low self esteem, and those are you know,

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Speaker 1: obviously personal factors that are going to make that maintenance

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Speaker 1: of trust over a long distance all the harder. Because

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Speaker 1: you're the kind of person who doesn't believe that things

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Speaker 1: are going to turn out well, then how are you

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Speaker 1: going to muster that trust and someone to say, you know,

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Speaker 1: just because there are three thousand miles away, they're not

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Speaker 1: going to cheat, or you know, they're still thinking about me,

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Speaker 1: or they're new friends, or no one special that I

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Speaker 1: need to worry about. But wouldn't you say to And

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Speaker 1: I think that the researchers point this out that you know,

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Speaker 1: someone who might be more prone towards negative UM effective

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Speaker 1: states UH is going to maybe encounter relationship problems depending

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Speaker 1: on you know, no matter how far their partner is.

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Speaker 1: That's true. I think that's very true. UM. But they

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Speaker 1: did find when they were looking at the they were

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Speaker 1: comparing relationships in the same city and long distance relationships,

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Speaker 1: and they did find out that a high level of

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Speaker 1: negative affectivity could predict a breakup in a long distance relationship,

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Speaker 1: but only in the men, which I found surprising because

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Speaker 1: when you think of the people who tend to go crazier,

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Speaker 1: I think in a long distance relationship. I hate to

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Speaker 1: say it, but it's usually the women. It's usually women

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Speaker 1: who just feel so insecure about what's going on across

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Speaker 1: the country or across the state, or however long the

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Speaker 1: distance is that they can't ah, they just can't handle it.

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Speaker 1: But these researchers found it is actually the men that

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Speaker 1: high end and women was really not associated with any

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Speaker 1: sort of long distance fallout. So I think that proves

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Speaker 1: again that you know, you've got to take into account

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Speaker 1: the person you're in a relationship with before you decide

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Speaker 1: whether it take a long distance if you are with

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Speaker 1: someone who is very needy and anxious, I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: but in a nice way, because you're still with them.

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Speaker 1: You know, how are they going to manage that distance?

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Speaker 1: Because I think than the most well adjusted people when

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Speaker 1: you add in that distance can get very anxious and nuity.

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Speaker 1: That first separation is very hard. Well and to me,

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Speaker 1: the findings of this study we're kind of a no brainer,

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Speaker 1: you know, if we're talking about you know, negative affectivity

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Speaker 1: predicting relationship success in general, it makes total sense. And

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Speaker 1: also the researchers predicted that relational security would be associated

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Speaker 1: with greater relational stability in both long distance and same

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Speaker 1: city relationships. Essentially, a solid relationship is a solid relationship,

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Speaker 1: you know, it might be a little more complicated by distance,

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Speaker 1: but um, their findings confirmed that. And also it also

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Speaker 1: backs up previous research that found that, for instance, couples

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Speaker 1: who were more optimistic about the future of their relationship

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Speaker 1: or less likely to break up. Um, you know, people

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Speaker 1: who just had more natural trust in their and their

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Speaker 1: partners were more likely to find dating success if you will,

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Speaker 1: and I guess it's also you know, what do we

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Speaker 1: term success us Um, you know, is it I guess

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Speaker 1: just long term enjoyment of someone else's company. But you

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Speaker 1: don't have their company, then that's the point. But you

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Speaker 1: can have their company, Molly, let's talk about that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you can't, especially in this day and age of technology. Okay,

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Speaker 1: and the the age of the jets is realized. The

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Speaker 1: kids in their computers these days, the iPods and things. Uh,

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Speaker 1: there's so many ways to keep in touch. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean you can, especially with webcams. And when I was

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Speaker 1: looking at a lot of sites, uh that we're talking

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Speaker 1: about how to maintain long distance relationships, so many people

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Speaker 1: said that was the glue in a relationship that they

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Speaker 1: could turn the web came on and they would talk

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Speaker 1: and was so nice to see the person's face, the

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Speaker 1: person's body language. But even then, uh, they would do

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Speaker 1: something else. They would watch TV, or they would do

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Speaker 1: the dishes, or they would you know, be picking their nose.

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Speaker 1: They wouldn't be talking to each other. With the point

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to make, but just having the webcam on

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Speaker 1: and knowing that, you know, if you wanted to, you

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Speaker 1: could shout out, oh hey, that was a funny line.

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Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. That just it really did make a

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Speaker 1: long distance relationship a lot easier. So I guess that's

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Speaker 1: the one big advice that pulled out of this Let's

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Speaker 1: get a webcam. Get a webcam. Yeah, because again going

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Speaker 1: back to the House of Works article on why relationships,

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Speaker 1: long distance relationships are doomed to fail. Uh, you know,

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Speaker 1: they point out the cost of keeping in touch in

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Speaker 1: that you know, you have to spend money to get

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Speaker 1: on a plane or get in your car or what

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Speaker 1: have you. You You have to take time off work to

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Speaker 1: make you know, all of this happen, and it just

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Speaker 1: ends up being a financial burden. But I mean, Skype

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Speaker 1: doesn't cost anything, you know, the investment of a webcam

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Speaker 1: and maybe you know, watch your watch your cell phone minutes.

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Speaker 1: But I think, though, when when we're talking about communication

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Speaker 1: with long distance relationships, because we do have so many

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Speaker 1: options from say sending a text message to actually going

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Speaker 1: and flying and seeing someone face to face, Um, I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I think that that could that could impact

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Speaker 1: it a lot to me, if you are communicating solely

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Speaker 1: or largely through just texting, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't seem like it would predict very much future stability.

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Speaker 1: You know, I think you have to think outside the box,

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Speaker 1: which is what that that website that you were talking

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Speaker 1: about really emphasized to foster as much as much face

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Speaker 1: to face type of communication as you can, even if

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Speaker 1: it is just through a computer portal. Well, I think

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Speaker 1: that that again we're coming back to where it really

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Speaker 1: depends on the person. And I think that what I

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Speaker 1: gather is the most important thing when you're talking about

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Speaker 1: long distance communication is just what works for the two

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Speaker 1: of you and being very clear about that. You know, uh,

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Speaker 1: if you want, you know, one long phone call a

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Speaker 1: day versus ten, you know, check in texts a day.

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Speaker 1: I do think that you know, you brought up texting.

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Speaker 1: I do think that for some people, text throughout the

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Speaker 1: day is the way to go, whereas for some people

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Speaker 1: they need more, you know, a long email. Some people

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Speaker 1: need more of that phone time. Some people you know,

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Speaker 1: need three hours of webcam times. So I think that

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Speaker 1: that's part of what you have to work out in

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Speaker 1: negotiating that long distance relationship. And I think, to me,

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Speaker 1: this all this research brought to mind, um a study

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Speaker 1: that I read about, UM, I don't know, it's probably

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Speaker 1: a year ago now, and and I wish I had

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Speaker 1: the reference in front of me. But it basically found

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Speaker 1: that if couples, long term couples want to keep the

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Speaker 1: spice alive in a relationship, it was critical for them

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Speaker 1: to um enjoy novel experiences together to not just get

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Speaker 1: stuck in a routine of you know, especially for you know,

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Speaker 1: people who are married with kids saying, Okay, Thursday's date night,

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Speaker 1: and that's when we go to the Olive Garden and

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Speaker 1: you're going to order the positive primavera. You know, you

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Speaker 1: actually like go out and say, no, we're gonna go

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Speaker 1: have sushi on Tuesday, and it's gonna be crazy. Uh.

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Speaker 1: And I think that that's something that could be important

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Speaker 1: for maintaining long distance relationships as well, even if you

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Speaker 1: might not have the luxury of being able to go

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Speaker 1: out and go skydiving together. Say, maybe you could somehow

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Speaker 1: change things up just with your mode of communication, for instance,

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Speaker 1: like instead of sending an email, why don't you sit

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Speaker 1: down and write a letter. Who doesn't love getting a letter?

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Speaker 1: I love getting letters. I mean, I'm just playing relationship

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Speaker 1: therapist right now. But also, you know, kind of speaking

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Speaker 1: from some personal experience, but let's put some some numbers

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Speaker 1: behind all of this talk, Molly, because you know, I

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Speaker 1: love statistics. Because we're talking about long distance relationships. We've

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Speaker 1: said that it affects a lot of people, but just

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Speaker 1: how many people are we talking about? And you know,

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Speaker 1: I think probably one of my favorite fun facts that

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Speaker 1: will come out of the research of this podcast is

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Speaker 1: that there is a thing called the Center for the

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Speaker 1: Study of Long Distance Relationships. Someone got really frustrated in

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Speaker 1: their long distance relationship. I was not aware that such

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Speaker 1: a body of research and data existed, So these numbers

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Speaker 1: come from them. Um. It's very hard, obviously for reasons

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Speaker 1: you can probably understand to get an exact number. Um.

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Speaker 1: But according to that center and estimated two point nine

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Speaker 1: percent of US marriages are considered long distance, with one

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Speaker 1: in ten marriages report have included a period of long

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Speaker 1: distance of within the first three years. And you know,

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Speaker 1: there have been a lot of trend pieces lately about

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Speaker 1: how the number of commuter marriages are on the rise

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Speaker 1: because in these tough economic times, maybe someone has to

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Speaker 1: take a job, you know that's two hours away, and

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Speaker 1: the spouse can't sell the house. Um. And obviously the

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Speaker 1: military is always affected by long distance. So UM, I'm

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Speaker 1: surprised to see how many marriages were. But then when

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Speaker 1: you just talk about people dating, their estimating that four

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Speaker 1: point five million college couples in the US were in

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Speaker 1: long distance relationships. Yeah, it happens a lot in college,

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Speaker 1: which told makes sense, you know, especially with the whole

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Speaker 1: like high school sweetheart type of thing. And then you

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Speaker 1: go to different colleges. But you know, I will say

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Speaker 1: my one piece of advice, um two kids in college

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Speaker 1: is just don't spend all your time talking to the

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Speaker 1: high school person. You've got to invest in new situation

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Speaker 1: to make it work. Exactly this in yourself. But here,

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Speaker 1: to me, this is the most compelling thing that came

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Speaker 1: out of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships,

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Speaker 1: which I think should be a word of total encouragement

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Speaker 1: to you folks out there who are engaged in a

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Speaker 1: long distance relationship right now, because it seems the numbers

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Speaker 1: indicate that there's a breaking point with long distance relationship

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Speaker 1: where it's like, if you can make it for this

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Speaker 1: set period of time, then you're good, much better than

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Speaker 1: people who live in the same city exactly. So here's

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Speaker 1: the thing, all right, So they broke down the percentage

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Speaker 1: of breakups of proximal relationships a k a. You're dating,

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Speaker 1: you know, dating a dude down the street versus long

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Speaker 1: distance relationships. Now, in the first six months, proximal relationships

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Speaker 1: fair much better than long distance relationships. We've got thirty

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Speaker 1: percent of proximal relationships breaking up and of long distance relationships.

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Speaker 1: But then we hit the eight month mark and the

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Speaker 1: tables have turned. That drops all the way down to

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Speaker 1: eleven just eleven percent of breakups during the first eight months,

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Speaker 1: and then that goes down even further to only eight

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Speaker 1: percent during the first year for long distance relationships. And

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Speaker 1: get this, Molly, a quarter of all proximal relationships. So

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Speaker 1: while you know you might be jealous, say of your

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Speaker 1: roommate whose boyfriend is over all the time, you know,

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Speaker 1: and they're just in love for the first six months,

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Speaker 1: while you're having to like sneak away and skype your

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Speaker 1: your dude and Singapore or wherever you know you're gonna

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Speaker 1: get the last laugh one year later, jeez, grind alone

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Speaker 1: in your bedroom and you're like, sorry, I'm we gotta

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Speaker 1: skype my boyfriend in Singapore. Well, I think that, Yes,

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Speaker 1: it was very encouraging to see that if you can

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Speaker 1: make it a certain amount of time, then you do

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Speaker 1: have better odds against you. But that does speak to

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Speaker 1: how when you are getting started in a proximal relationship

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Speaker 1: someone who's in the same city, you have the time

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Speaker 1: to take it slow and see if things are going

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Speaker 1: to work out or not work out, and maybe you'll

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Speaker 1: give them six months and then you're like, oh, this

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Speaker 1: isn't working out. Whereas I do think long distance relationships

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Speaker 1: have that pressure very quickly to be serious, and so

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Speaker 1: I'm sure that is why it's much harder in those

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Speaker 1: first few months, because perhaps you know, you think it's

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Speaker 1: gonna go great, even apart it doesn't. Um. Maybe then

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Speaker 1: a remedy just slowing all of this this dating business down,

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Speaker 1: Milla is to start just referring to it as proximal

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Speaker 1: relationship building. You know, maybe instead of saying, hey, do

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Speaker 1: you want to go on a date, maybe you say

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Speaker 1: would you like to go on a perspective proximbal relationship

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Speaker 1: building excursion? You try that out, Christen, let me know

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Speaker 1: how it works for you. That's not one of my cosmotists, okay, UM,

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Speaker 1: but I do think that that level of making the

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Speaker 1: commitment early on is an important factor in the long

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Speaker 1: distance relationship success. Because going back to this house stuff

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Speaker 1: works article about why they don't work, Tom Sheeve talks

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Speaker 1: about people who use the long distance relationship as the

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Speaker 1: way to um get in a sneaky breakup. It's the

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Speaker 1: kind of people who want to avoid conflict. It's like

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Speaker 1: Tom Sheeve that else the works at com went through

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Speaker 1: a weird long distance relationship, or he just doesn't like conflict,

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Speaker 1: because he says that, you know, if you don't like

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Speaker 1: conflict and you want to avoid, you know, hurting someone

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Speaker 1: with a breakup, you just move away, to move away,

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Speaker 1: just change locations, and eventually they will get the point.

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Speaker 1: You may try and do long distance relationship, but your

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Speaker 1: calls just start dwindling. But you know you better, you

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Speaker 1: better watch out. You can't. You can't wait too long

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Speaker 1: because according to the Center for the Study of Long

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Speaker 1: Distance Relationships, you got about fourteen months before someone's going

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Speaker 1: to move closer to someone else, the average amount of

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Speaker 1: time that couples can expect to live apart before they

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Speaker 1: can move closer together. And you were talking earlier, Christen

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Speaker 1: about how you think it's very important that couples have

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Speaker 1: that light at the end of the tunnel, be at

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Speaker 1: fourteen months five months, a year, whatever it is, you

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Speaker 1: kind of have to have an end date in site

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Speaker 1: because otherwise it's I don't know, But see that's not

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Speaker 1: I don't think that's a pressure point we put on

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Speaker 1: proximal relationships, like in fourteen months we're going to be

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Speaker 1: really serious. So I do think that's a key difference

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Speaker 1: between uh PRS and LDR. Sure, but I would argue

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Speaker 1: though that with proximal relationships, while we might not have

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Speaker 1: a timeline attached to them, well, I mean some people might,

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Speaker 1: but generally speaking, we don't have a timeline attached to

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Speaker 1: how the relationship would proceed. But there are certain milestones

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Speaker 1: that you do cross. For instance, I'm just talking about

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Speaker 1: simple things such as meeting the other person's friends, hang

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Speaker 1: out with them, kind of becoming integrated into their their habits,

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Speaker 1: and you know vice versa, like have the new person

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Speaker 1: meet meet your person's um and uh you know, maybe

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Speaker 1: meeting the parents whatever. You know, those little like relationship

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Speaker 1: milestones that you have um when you you know, when

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Speaker 1: you start, when you start dating someone, that might not

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Speaker 1: take place as easily with a long distance between you,

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Speaker 1: which gets which gets again to that issue of trust.

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Speaker 1: If you have been in a proximal relationship. And I

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Speaker 1: love how now we are using proximal relationship and casual conversation. Christis,

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Speaker 1: I'm making it happen. I'm no longer dating, I'm proximal

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Speaker 1: relationship building. Um. But if you're used to that sort

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Speaker 1: of natural evolution of a relationship that happens in approximate relationship,

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Speaker 1: it can be really jolting when you can't get that

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Speaker 1: same sort of satisfaction and a long distance relationship and

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Speaker 1: this it's gonna be a vicious cycle. But to go

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Speaker 1: back to the beginning, that's where you can start to

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Speaker 1: have trust issues because you can't meet their friends. You

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Speaker 1: can't you know, if you're the kind of type of

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Speaker 1: you know girl who is really anxious that your significant

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Speaker 1: other has another really you know, attractive girl in the

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Speaker 1: circle of friends and you don't know about it, then

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Speaker 1: you can just start to let things build in your

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Speaker 1: head and it and it just gets messy. But let's

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Speaker 1: leave the messy part for a minute, and let's talk

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Speaker 1: about I think probably the most fun aspect of a

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Speaker 1: long distance relationship, the visit. And these can be really

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Speaker 1: exciting because it's sort of like being a tourist. Either

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Speaker 1: in your own city or in a city you might

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Speaker 1: know fairly well, or you may be meeting up you know,

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Speaker 1: in the middle somewhere, and uh, these are kind of

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Speaker 1: mixed blessings. One, it's great because you finally get to

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Speaker 1: see that person. The time together can be even more

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Speaker 1: special because you rarely see each other. Um, you're probably

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Speaker 1: more likely be doing touristy things spending time together, and

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Speaker 1: it's it'll be I think, a large quantity of high

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Speaker 1: quality time. But I said it was a mixed blessing

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Speaker 1: because I do think that there is that um honeymoon

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Speaker 1: period that happens in a new in a in those visits,

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Speaker 1: and if at the end of those fourteen months when

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Speaker 1: you're living together again, I think it can be really

390
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Speaker 1: hard to transition from having a relationship built on visits

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Speaker 1: to having the proximal relationship again because then you've got

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Speaker 1: all that nitty gritty stuff with like who takes out

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Speaker 1: the trash? Yeah, day to day interact as the dishes,

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Speaker 1: Like that day to day interaction when you don't have

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Speaker 1: an on a regular basis can be a really hard

396
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Speaker 1: transition back. Yeah, because that's when you know, weird pet

397
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Speaker 1: peeves pop up and I'm not just trying to, you know,

398
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Speaker 1: sound like some nitpicky woman here. I mean, guys, you

399
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Speaker 1: know what, you know what we're talking about. You know,

400
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Speaker 1: everyone has those little daily quirks. For instance, you know,

401
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Speaker 1: I don't really care to be spoken to before ten

402
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Speaker 1: o'clock in the morning, period um. But also, uh, it

403
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Speaker 1: can be hard as well on not only on your

404
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Speaker 1: psychological environment, Molly, but also on the actual Earth's environment,

405
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Speaker 1: as late pointed out in a very slight kind of way.

406
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Speaker 1: Just to take a quick little side trip here to

407
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Speaker 1: this Slate article that we found disparaging long distance relationship

408
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Speaker 1: because of the negative environmental impact that they have. The

409
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Speaker 1: the author points out that because of the impact of

410
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Speaker 1: you know, uh, flying and ground transportation, a carbon offset

411
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Speaker 1: company would pin their romantic travels with the equivalent of

412
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Speaker 1: thirty five metric tons of carbon dioxide every year egad.

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Speaker 1: They were saying that a woman would be more environmentally

414
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Speaker 1: friendly to give up a long distance relationship than she

415
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Speaker 1: would like giving up all meat because of all the

416
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Speaker 1: processing involved in meat. The processing involved in her travels

417
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:35,840
Speaker 1: was greater than that, to which I say, you have

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Speaker 1: a proximate relationship with your hamburg. Yeah, enjoy that, enjoy

419
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Speaker 1: that Hamburg. And there's also just the cost of all

420
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Speaker 1: those flights, all those train trips, all that gas. But

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Speaker 1: like we said, only there are ways too, There are

422
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Speaker 1: ways to get around the you know, the cost, to

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00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: lower the cost things to technology. You can still keep

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Speaker 1: in touch for for pennies a day. So we've gone

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Speaker 1: through some pros and cons. I don't think we've you know,

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Speaker 1: to sided that one is better than the other. Although

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Speaker 1: I'm curious to see how your practicimal relationship will going.

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Speaker 1: We'll go once you start calling it that. Well, that's

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00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,919
Speaker 1: the thing though, I mean, I think the research that

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00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,639
Speaker 1: we've found has said that, you know, long distance relationship

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00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:17,480
Speaker 1: success depends on hey, surprise the two people involved in

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00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,359
Speaker 1: how committed an optimistic they are about the future. And

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Speaker 1: I'll end on one more positive note from the Journal

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00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,680
Speaker 1: of Social and Personal Relationships. And they were talking about how,

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00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,719
Speaker 1: you know, the happiest couples spend a lot of time together.

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00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,639
Speaker 1: But were they happy because they spent time together or

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00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 1: were they or did the time together they spent make

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00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 1: them happy? And the journal or the article drew the

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00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 1: conclusion that the amount of time a couple spends together

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00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,360
Speaker 1: does not in and of itself, play a central role

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00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,960
Speaker 1: in relationship maintenance. So it's more about quality and not

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00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,600
Speaker 1: about quantity. If you can't see someone every day, but

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00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 1: you still have really great time when you see them

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00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,440
Speaker 1: or when you're chatting online with them via your webcam,

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00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,679
Speaker 1: you know it can work. It can work, and I

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00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: want our listeners to prove to us that it can

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00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:08,560
Speaker 1: work by emailing us their stories of long distance relationships,

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00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,159
Speaker 1: because I feel like so many people I know have

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00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,240
Speaker 1: attempted some form of long distance relationship, even if it

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00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: was just temporary um and everyone has has a different

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00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,919
Speaker 1: take on it because every relationship is a little bit different.

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00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,320
Speaker 1: So please share your stories with us because I'm I'm

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00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: curious to know what people how people have made it work,

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00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 1: and also the deal breakers and longnessance relationships. So send

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00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: me and Molly an email if you have a chance.

456
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: It's Mom Stuff at how stuff works dot com and Molly.

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00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:46,199
Speaker 1: Let's read a couple of emails right about now. All right,

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00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,879
Speaker 1: I'm going to read one from Vicky, and this is

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00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 1: about the why do Men Propose? Episode? She writes, when

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00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,719
Speaker 1: I first met my husband, I was content getting in

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00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: and out of relationships in less than two weeks. I

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00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,440
Speaker 1: was in no hurry to settle down. I'm very independent

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00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 1: and wasn't looking for a prince charming to take me away.

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00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,959
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, my husband was warned by

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00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 1: a mutual friend that I would never settle down. So

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00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,719
Speaker 1: when things got serious, I think we were both surprised.

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00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,720
Speaker 1: After dating for six months, I knew he would never

468
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 1: propose before because when we were first today, I constantly

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00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: said I would never get married. So one night I

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00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,280
Speaker 1: had him kidnapped from work by his boss, who dropped

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00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,640
Speaker 1: him off at a hotel, gave him a room key,

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00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,720
Speaker 1: and drive away. I was waiting in the room with

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00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 1: some candleslit, Chinese food from his favorite place, and a

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00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:26,639
Speaker 1: simple gold man's ring, and I asked him to marry me.

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00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: He said yes, And now I've been married for sixteen

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00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 1: years on July Therey one, and we have four kids.

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00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 1: Maybe nice, nice little proposal story. All right, Well, I've

478
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,200
Speaker 1: got one here from Crystal, and this is in response

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00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:42,560
Speaker 1: to our podcast about women and bartending. Uh. She said,

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00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,880
Speaker 1: I broughtened it for five years at my university pub

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00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 1: during my undergrad and part of my master's and had

482
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 1: no idea that there had been such a struggle for

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00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,040
Speaker 1: me to reach that position. During those years, I made

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Speaker 1: quite a few observations. I noticed that most females are

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00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 1: absolutely horrific tippers. A good portion of them wouldn't even

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00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,280
Speaker 1: come to the bar with cash in their pockets. They

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00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 1: would just expect some guy to buy their drinks. It

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00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: was shameless, and I quite often told the girls that

489
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 1: somehow people forget that the better you treat your bartender

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00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,399
Speaker 1: with large tips and a simple please and thank you,

491
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 1: the faster you will get served. I fought out not

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00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: served a few ladies who are yelling at me, and

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00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,200
Speaker 1: it tipped exactly zero from their previous drink. Why should

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00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: I when over all the guys would always be nicer

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00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,160
Speaker 1: and tient better. It shames you to admit that about

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00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 1: my own sex, but I've rarely noticed any different. The

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00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,960
Speaker 1: nicest female patrons were always women who also worked in

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00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 1: the service industry. So take it from a woman who

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00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 1: knows women. Tip your bartenders and be nice and don't

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00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 1: just expect men to buy your drinks because you might

501
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 1: go home sober. All right, So send us your emails.

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00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,639
Speaker 1: It's mom Stuff at how stuff works dot com and

503
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 1: check us out on Twitter, Like us on Facebook if

504
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,479
Speaker 1: you don't mind, and always you can follow our blog

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00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,400
Speaker 1: It is stuff Mom Never told you and you can

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00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:08,880
Speaker 1: find it at how stuff works dot com. For more

507
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,199
Speaker 1: on this and thousands of other topics, does it how

508
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:15,680
Speaker 1: stuff works dot com. Want more how stuff works, check

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00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: out our blogs on the house stuff works dot com

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00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:25,080
Speaker 1: home page. Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand

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Speaker 1: twelve camera. It's ready, are you