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Speaker 1: Happy New Year, everybody, Happy new Year, Catherine.

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Speaker 2: Happy Tuesday.

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Speaker 3: It's a new year.

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Speaker 1: Twenty twenty four is over, twenty twenty five is here.

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Speaker 3: Let's get queer, let's get used to it.

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Speaker 4: Let's please do.

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Speaker 1: Also, we are now airing what are we doing on

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Speaker 1: YouTube now, Catherine?

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Speaker 3: Airing our full episodes or.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we have full episodes available on YouTube as well

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Speaker 2: as some older episodes that we're putting out now. So

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Speaker 2: check for the weekly episode. They go up on Thursdays,

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Speaker 2: just like the podcast, and you know we're throwing an

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Speaker 2: extra old episode, okay, Fani, Great, well, great.

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Speaker 3: Okay, yes.

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Speaker 1: People ask all the time where they can watch the podcast,

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Speaker 1: so now you can watch it and it's the full episodes,

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Speaker 1: right Catherine.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, oh great, this is awesome.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you're gonna love it. And you have a book

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Speaker 2: coming out.

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Speaker 3: I'm coming out. I'll have what she's having ready for

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Speaker 3: pre order.

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Speaker 1: Comes out of my fiftieth birthday, Everybody February twenty fifth,

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Speaker 1: and you can also watch me on E on January

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Speaker 1: twelfth for the Critics' Choice Awards. I'm hosting again, so

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Speaker 1: I will be doing that. Then on February twenty fifth,

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Speaker 1: my book will be coming out and then I have

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Speaker 1: another surprise in March.

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Speaker 3: So many surprises, I know, so many. I'm excited about

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Speaker 3: the New Year. I'm excited. Do you have goals set resolution?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 3: No, we come on, Catherine. I don't have time for

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Speaker 3: reading that bullshit.

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Speaker 1: No, but we do have a very very special, motivational

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Speaker 1: New Year's guest who everyone is gonna love because she's

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Speaker 1: all over the place right now with her new book.

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Speaker 1: She's an author, she is a mind set coach and

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Speaker 1: host of one of the most listened to podcasts in

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Speaker 1: the world. Please welcome Mel Robbins. We have Mel Robbins

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Speaker 1: here today, you guys, which is I've ingested all of

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Speaker 1: Mel Robbins. I don't think there's a thing about you

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Speaker 1: that I don't.

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Speaker 4: Know, and you still invited me.

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Speaker 3: I know, I know. It's a lot.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of like when people drown themselves in information

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Speaker 1: about me. I always seem like I'm so sorry and

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Speaker 1: I ran and they're like, I've read everything, I've looked

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Speaker 1: at everything, I'm so prepared for this interview, and I'm

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Speaker 1: always like, I'm really so that you had to listen

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Speaker 1: to all that, which is exactly what you said to me.

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Speaker 1: When I ran into you the other day at some

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Speaker 1: podcasts we were both doing. You were like, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 1: It was Mel Robbins week at my house. So we

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Speaker 1: are educated because I knew of you from social media.

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Speaker 1: But then when I read your story in your new book,

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Speaker 1: The Let Them Theory, I like that you also come

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Speaker 1: up with your own theories.

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Speaker 3: I love that you talk in the beginning of the book.

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Speaker 1: About your story, which is incredible, that you were eight

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Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars in debt and you.

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Speaker 3: Were at the end of your rope, uh huh, and

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Speaker 3: you had no.

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Speaker 1: Idea how you were going to pay, and you had

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Speaker 1: four children, and you had no idea how you were

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Speaker 1: going to pay your finances, and you guys were broke.

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Speaker 4: And I was also fucking furious with my husband because

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Speaker 4: I thought it was his fault.

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Speaker 3: Of course, and it's always everyone else's fault.

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Speaker 1: And then you decided one day that you used to

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Speaker 1: start practicing five four three two one.

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Speaker 4: Yes. Well, the story is that I was having this

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Speaker 4: moment if you've ever had a moment in your life,

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Speaker 4: and I know you have, which is why we like

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Speaker 4: each other, where you literally find yourself talking to yourself

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Speaker 4: out loud, and you're saying, that's it. No more drinking.

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Speaker 4: I'm not going to be bitch to everybody. I gotta

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Speaker 4: find a job. I got to get in shape, I

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Speaker 4: got to tell people what's going on. I got to

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Speaker 4: take responsibility for my life. And by God, melt when

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Speaker 4: that alarm rings tomorrow morning, you cannot lay there like

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Speaker 4: a human pot roast, marinating in your problems. You got

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Speaker 4: to get your ass out of bed and get those

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Speaker 4: kids on the bus. And at that moment, I swear

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Speaker 4: to God, a rocket ship launched across a television screen

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Speaker 4: at the end of a commercial, and I thought, that's it.

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Speaker 4: That's the answer. Tomorrow morning, when that alarm rings, I'm

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Speaker 4: going to rocket myself out of bed so fast. I'm

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Speaker 4: not going to be in that bed when that anxiety hits.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 4: I had had four Bourbon Manhattans that night, so it

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Speaker 4: could have been the alcohol that gave me that idea,

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Speaker 4: because I was drinking an awful lot back then. But

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Speaker 4: that was the moment that changed my life because the

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Speaker 4: very next morning, the alarm ring. And what's interesting about life?

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Speaker 4: And when I show you this, you will never unsee it.

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Speaker 4: And it's not my breasts, which you definitely don't want

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Speaker 4: to see right now, but we'll get a picture. We'll

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Speaker 4: get a picture of those. But there is this moment

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Speaker 4: that defines your whole life, and it's this five second window.

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Speaker 4: And it's the moment between knowing what you need to

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Speaker 4: do and actually doing it. And we make a critical

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Speaker 4: mistake where you know the thing that you need to do,

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Speaker 4: but instead of doing it, you stop and consider how

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Speaker 4: you feel about it. It's this moment of hesitation. And

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Speaker 4: as soon as you drift from knowing what you need

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Speaker 4: to do to thinking about whether or not you feel

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Speaker 4: like doing it, in that five second moment of hesitation

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Speaker 4: comes the doubt and the anxiety and the procrastination. And

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Speaker 4: what's happening in your brain I didn't know this at

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Speaker 4: the time, is that you're moving from being conscious to

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Speaker 4: switching into the default mode in your brain where your

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Speaker 4: patterns and habits take over. And I had a habit

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Speaker 4: of avoidance, AD a habit of blaming. I had a

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Speaker 4: habit of anger. I had a habit of hitting the

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Speaker 4: snooze button over and over and over again.

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Speaker 3: Like kind of like a victim mentality percent because.

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Speaker 4: My problems felt so overwhelming that My response was to freeze,

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Speaker 4: and I didn't think anything that I was going to

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Speaker 4: do is going to matter, So why I do it? Right?

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Speaker 4: And that's what I find is a massive challenge for

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Speaker 4: most of us, that we all know the little things

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Speaker 4: that we could be doing that would make us a

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Speaker 4: little happier, healthier, Right.

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Speaker 1: Right, that seemed like an uphill, almost insurmountable to even

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Speaker 1: get there.

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Speaker 3: But they're not insurmountable.

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Speaker 4: They're not insurmountable. But if you have the opinion, well,

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Speaker 4: why does it matter? Because in that moment when the

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Speaker 4: alarm ring and I remembered the rocket launch, and this

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Speaker 4: window of hesitation opened, and I go, I don't feel

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Speaker 4: like any out of it. It's dark, it's cold, it's

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Speaker 4: February in Boston. We're eight hundred thousand dollars in debt.

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Speaker 4: How is this going to help? And for whatever reason,

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Speaker 4: I just started counting backwards, just like NASA does, five four, three,

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Speaker 4: two one, and I stood up and it was bizarre.

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Speaker 4: And that was the first morning that I had gotten

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Speaker 4: out of bed when the alarm rang in months, And

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Speaker 4: so I went on with my day the next morning,

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Speaker 4: same thing. Now, what were you.

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Speaker 3: Doing before that?

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Speaker 1: You would just your alarm would go off and you

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Speaker 1: would just sit in bed and lie.

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Speaker 4: I would rot in bed like most people and literally

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Speaker 4: over your pocket. I mean, if you think about those

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Speaker 4: moments where you wake up and you either hate your job,

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Speaker 4: or you're in a crappy relationship, or you're not happy,

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Speaker 4: or you're struggling with something. You wake up and you

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Speaker 4: don't want to face a day. And so instead of

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Speaker 4: facing the day, which would help, because once you get

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Speaker 4: up you can keep going, typically I would lay there

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Speaker 4: and as I would lay there and stare at the ceiling,

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Speaker 4: and that feeling of dread would come over my body.

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Speaker 4: My mind would then take over and start racing through

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Speaker 4: all the problems that were going on, and they just

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Speaker 4: started stacking up like a gravity blanket, pinning me there.

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Speaker 4: And then when you feel that you don't want to

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Speaker 4: wake up, what you want to do is avoid the day.

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Speaker 4: And so I would hit the snoozee and to try

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Speaker 4: to fall back asleep because I'm hoping that I'm just

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Speaker 4: waking up in a nightmare. This isn't actually my life.

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Speaker 4: And then ultimately it would get to the point where

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Speaker 4: the kids are standing next to me and the bus

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Speaker 4: is already gone. And now I'm like, Okay, here we

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Speaker 4: go again. And it's stunning how the smallest things can

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Speaker 4: feel impossible in life, impossible. And what I know now

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Speaker 4: is there's so much that explains why we're wired this way.

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Speaker 4: But I didn't know any of this then. I just

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Speaker 4: knew that my life was falling apart, and everything that

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Speaker 4: I cared about was circling the drain, and there was

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Speaker 4: absolutely nothing I was doing.

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Speaker 3: That was helping.

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Speaker 4: And yet I knew the little things that could help.

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Speaker 4: I mean, obviously, if you don't have any money and

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Speaker 4: you can barely put food on the table, you should

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Speaker 4: get a job. Right. If you are drinking every night

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Speaker 4: and then waking up with a hangover, it's not helping

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Speaker 4: you face the stuff. And so avoids became a chronic

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Speaker 4: habit for me, and this one little tool five four

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Speaker 4: three two one, and pushing through this sort of insight

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Speaker 4: that oh my god, there's a window of time between

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Speaker 4: knowing what you need to do and then your brain

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Speaker 4: killing your motivation to do it. And if you act

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Speaker 4: in that window, whether it's speaking up at work or

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Speaker 4: starting the hard conversation or getting your ass up off

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Speaker 4: the couch, and or.

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Speaker 1: An example, you use in the book is like, you know,

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Speaker 1: someone asking you to dance and it being a great idea,

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Speaker 1: but then you think about it and you're like, do

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Speaker 1: I want to be.

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Speaker 3: Dancing in front of all these people? Do I actually

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Speaker 3: want to get up and dance? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And in that five seconds you lose your mojo when

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Speaker 1: you could have been dancing this whole time and having

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Speaker 1: a good time. Yes.

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Speaker 4: And so you know, one of the things that I

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Speaker 4: point out that I love to point out when I'm

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Speaker 4: teaching this is if you think about the most famous

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Speaker 4: tagline in the world, just do it right? Those three

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Speaker 4: words right, just do it? What's the most powerful ward?

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Speaker 5: Do?

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Speaker 4: No, it's not it, It's just it's just I'm gonna

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Speaker 4: explain why if Nike's tadline had been do it, that's

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Speaker 4: not that inspiring. The word just acknowledges both your humanity

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Speaker 4: and your potential. See, they're calling you from the sideline

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Speaker 4: and inviting you to join in the game of life.

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Speaker 4: They're saying, I see you there, I see that you

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Speaker 4: want this, and I see you doubting yourself. I see

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Speaker 4: you questioning yourself. They're acknowledging the only thing that is

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Speaker 4: stopping you and it's that moment of hesitation where you

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Speaker 4: stop and think and you question yourself. And that was

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Speaker 4: my whole life. And so discovering this little tool five

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Speaker 4: four three two one both acknowledge the just you're hesitating,

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Speaker 4: and it became a tool that helped me push through

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Speaker 4: anxiety or fear, or procrastination or old habits to do

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Speaker 4: the little things that actually are everything, HM, just one

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Speaker 4: small move at a time.

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Speaker 1: And so then this led to you getting and realizing

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Speaker 1: that you wanted to be a motivational speaker, right and

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Speaker 1: within that when you're talking about the little steps you

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Speaker 1: have to take in order to succeed and build a

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Speaker 1: life that you want. Yeah, you were motivationally speaking without

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Speaker 1: getting paid in the beginning.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So what happened is I used the five second

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Speaker 4: role to turn my life back on track over the

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Speaker 4: course of three years. And so I am in my

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Speaker 4: life outside of Boston five for three two one networking

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Speaker 4: until I get a job five worth three two one

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Speaker 4: finding a second job five or three two one, going

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Speaker 4: for walks like just one move one move on move

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Speaker 4: in complete survival mode, like I'm trying to pay bills,

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Speaker 4: I'm trying to get these kids to school. I am

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Speaker 4: trying to keep my marriage on track. I'm trying not

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Speaker 4: to be a raging bitch to everybody. I'm trying not

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Speaker 4: to drink myself into the ground, one move, one move,

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Speaker 4: one move at a time. And so I had never

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Speaker 4: told anybody about it, because, first of all, sounds stupid.

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Speaker 4: Oh Chelsea, you want to change your life? Count to five,

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Speaker 4: I'm out. Podcast interviews over. And I also had no

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Speaker 4: idea why it worked. I almost felt like I'd been

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Speaker 4: given this little magic trick. Maybe I was a witch,

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Speaker 4: Maybe there was some sort of spell I had learned.

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Speaker 4: And I get a call from somebody that I had

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Speaker 4: gone to college with and she's like, hey, now there's

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Speaker 4: this event happening in San Francisco and they are offering

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Speaker 4: two tickets to San Francisco and two nights at the

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Speaker 4: Saint Regis And all you got to do is talk

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Speaker 4: about career change. And you've changed your career so many times.

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Speaker 4: I thought of you. Now, I don't think that's a compliment,

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Speaker 4: But when you hear that you're eight hundred thousand dollars

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Speaker 4: in debt and you've got leans on your house, that

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Speaker 4: sounds like a vacation. Chelsey. So I'm like, I'll do it.

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Speaker 4: I had no idea what ted was. I had no

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Speaker 4: idea what ted X was. So I show up in

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Speaker 4: San Francisco and it's one of the first ever TEDx conferences.

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Speaker 4: It's not even registering that I'm going to walk on

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Speaker 4: a stage and there's going to be seven hundred people there,

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Speaker 4: and so they didn't really prepare you. You got nineteen minutes.

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Speaker 4: I had a cheesy slide deck. If you watch my

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Speaker 4: TEDx talk, you're witnessing a twenty one minute long panic attack.

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Speaker 4: Look closely at minute one and you'll see a crash.

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Speaker 4: That is the kind of rash people get when they

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Speaker 4: are drinking. And I'm darting around the stage.

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Speaker 3: I sho watch this. This is the one where Chris

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Speaker 3: is in the audience or is that a separate ted talk.

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Speaker 4: Oh no, that's the one.

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Speaker 3: That's the one.

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Speaker 4: And I'm darting in and out all over the place.

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Speaker 4: And I wasn't planning on talking about the five second roll.

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Speaker 4: I forgot how to end the speech.

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Speaker 1: I remember that you were like, oh wait, I have

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Speaker 1: one more thing to tell you at the end, and

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Speaker 1: You're like, which, yes, why I'm fucking here In the

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Speaker 1: first place.

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Speaker 4: Yes, and then the part that you didn't see, because

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Speaker 4: I ultimately had to write to them. I was so

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Speaker 4: disassociated at the end, I barely remember it, Like, as

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Speaker 4: I'm if I watched that video, I'm like, I don't

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Speaker 4: even remember being on that stage. And at the very

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Speaker 4: end after I say that, oh yeah, I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 4: and if you have any questions, here's my email address.

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Speaker 4: And I walk off the stage and I say to

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Speaker 4: my husband, Honest to God, thank God, that's over. Thank God.

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Speaker 4: Only those people saw that. This was the worst moment

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Speaker 4: in my life. And I went on with my life.

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Speaker 4: A year goes by and Tedex puts it online. I

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Speaker 4: don't even know it's online. Another years goes by and

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Speaker 4: it starts to go viral, and I start getting messages

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Speaker 4: at that email address and people are like, I saw

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Speaker 4: that thing. You didn't. I'm like, were you in the audience?

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Speaker 4: Like no, no, no, it's online. And so I would stay

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Speaker 4: up at night responding to emails from strangers because I

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Speaker 4: was so blown away that this little thing that I

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Speaker 4: invented was helping people stay sober, or helping them lose

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Speaker 4: one hundred pounds, or helping them change jobs. Because it's

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Speaker 4: a tool that helps you go from thinking about something

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Speaker 4: to doing it well.

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Speaker 1: Also, it's also it would be elementary if it was

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Speaker 1: just five four three two one Get up. What you're

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Speaker 1: explaining is that if you miss that little window, you're

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Speaker 1: missing your day, you're missing your goals, you're missing your dreams.

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Speaker 1: So it's what your brain does, and that's an integral

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Speaker 1: part of it.

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Speaker 4: Yes, And so then what happened is people started to

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Speaker 4: write and ask if I would come, like do that

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Speaker 4: talk at events. Now, Meanwhile, I'm a normal person. I

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Speaker 4: think celebrities like you are people that get paid to

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Speaker 4: do this. People have books, people that you know, have

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Speaker 4: a have some sort of thing to say and have

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Speaker 4: credentials to talk about this stuff. Like, I'm basically somebody

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Speaker 4: who's fucked up her life and I figured out a

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Speaker 4: simple thing to help me crawl out of the hole

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Speaker 4: that I had dug for myself and then fallen into.

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Speaker 4: And so I didn't even think that I would get

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Speaker 4: paid to do something like this. So I show up

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Speaker 4: at seven of different events. And here's the irony. They

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Speaker 4: were all women's events. So they're all women's empowerment events,

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Speaker 4: and I'm speaking for free, and I will never forget this.

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Speaker 4: I was at the Pennsylvania Women's Conference, and this would

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Speaker 4: have been probably two thousand and thirteen or late twenty twelve,

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Speaker 4: and I was in a room and the rooms are

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Speaker 4: starting to get a little bit bigger, and so they're

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Speaker 4: probably I don't know, seven hundred thousand people in there.

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Speaker 4: And this woman comes up to me afterwards, Honest to god,

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Speaker 4: she says, Mel, do you mind if I ask you

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Speaker 4: a question? I said, yeah, absolutely, And she says, you know,

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Speaker 4: I spoke this morning at another breakout session and I

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Speaker 4: just thought you were absolutely fan fantastic. But I was

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Speaker 4: just curious, have you gotten your check yet? I said, check,

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Speaker 4: you got paid for this? And she took a step

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Speaker 4: back and she went, oh my god, I just assumed.

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Speaker 4: I mean, you have a big breakout where I'm like,

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Speaker 4: you got paid for this.

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Speaker 6: Now.

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Speaker 4: Meanwhile, I'm still have leans on my house and I'm thinking.

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Speaker 3: I could make money doing this.

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Speaker 4: And I thought, you are you are the world's biggest idiot, Mel.

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Speaker 4: And then I had a problem because I had no

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Speaker 4: idea what to charge because I don't have a book,

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Speaker 4: I don't have this, I don't have anything. I have

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Speaker 4: this ted talk and I'm now starting to understand the

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Speaker 4: value of it, because it is really like a credential

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Speaker 4: when it comes to keynote speaking. And so I came

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Speaker 4: up with this little thing that anybody starting a business

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Speaker 4: should steal. I basically said to myself, I'm going to

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Speaker 4: use the five second world to stop myself, because you

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Speaker 4: can use five four three two one to push yourself

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Speaker 4: forward or five four three two one to put yourself

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Speaker 4: in pause. And the next time somebody calls me and

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Speaker 4: they asked me if I'm available, I'm going to five

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Speaker 4: or ThReD you want I pause, and I say, yeah,

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Speaker 4: I think I could make it. And then I'm going

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Speaker 4: to say what's your budget? And then I'm going to

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Speaker 4: say five four three two one normally am double because

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Speaker 4: I didn't know what to charge right. So a couple

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Speaker 4: of weeks later, I get a call and it's from

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Speaker 4: a guy who's in Dallas. Then he's calling me to

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Speaker 4: see if I can come down and give a speech

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Speaker 4: at some big event where there's going to be a

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Speaker 4: bunch of people that are small business owners in it.

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Speaker 4: And I said, great, I think I'm available. How much

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Speaker 4: is it? He said, ten thousand dollars. I dropped the

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Speaker 4: fucking phone. I that was like almost four months of

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Speaker 4: my mortgage.

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Speaker 5: Wow.

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Speaker 4: I had no idea. I was expecting five hundred dollars

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Speaker 4: and I pick up the phone. I forgot the second

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Speaker 4: part about doubling the thing, and I'm like, yes, yes, yes, yes,

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Speaker 4: And then a really important thing happened. I was so

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Speaker 4: nerve and I felt so unworthy of that amount of

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Speaker 4: money that I spent half of it with a graphic

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Speaker 4: designer because I figured if I had a fancy presentation

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Speaker 4: that that would make me seem fancy enough for that

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Speaker 4: kind of money. And the nerves were really important, and

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Speaker 4: the preparation was important because there are moments in your life,

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Speaker 4: these at bat moments where you step up to the

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Speaker 4: plate that you want to meet the moment. And because

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Speaker 4: I prepared, I stepped onto that stage and I destroyed it.

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Speaker 4: And he came up to me afterwards and he was like,

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Speaker 4: I have been in this business twenty years. You are

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Speaker 4: the single best female speaker I've ever seen in my life,

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Speaker 4: and your top three of all time period. Who runs

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Speaker 4: your business? And I was like, you do and he

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Speaker 4: has run my business ever since. Oh wow, in terms

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Speaker 4: of the speaking side of the business. And that next year,

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Speaker 4: forty seven speeches, the next year ninety nine speeches. The

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Speaker 4: next year was like one hundred and seventeen. And you know,

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Speaker 4: I was so committed to paying off our debt and

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Speaker 4: to paying our savings back. And because we had gotten

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Speaker 4: into that hole because when my husband went into the

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Speaker 4: restaurant business, when the first pizza joint was successful, we

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Speaker 4: were complete idiots. We cashed everything out, We took out

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Speaker 4: credit cards, a home equity line. We you know, what

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Speaker 4: could possibly go wrong, and everything went wrong. And so

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Speaker 4: when the business started to do this everything that we

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Speaker 4: had worked our whole lives for, I was forty one

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Speaker 4: years old. Three kids under the age of ten started

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Speaker 4: going down in the dream too. And you know, if

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Speaker 4: you're somebody that believes in manifesting, which I do, I

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Speaker 4: never made a vision board that was like divorce, alcoholism,

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Speaker 4: bankruptcy that was in part of the plan. And when

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Speaker 4: things go off the rails in your life, it's funny,

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Speaker 4: like it's super easy to give other people advice because

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Speaker 4: it's not personal, but when it's you and it's the

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Speaker 4: things that you're scared of or the things that you

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Speaker 4: care about that are breaking apart in front of your eyes.

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Speaker 4: You have a very hard time believing that these simple

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Speaker 4: things actually work for you. And so what the five

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Speaker 4: second rule taught me is it taught me that there

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Speaker 4: is a skill that we can all develop, and it's

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Speaker 4: a skill of being able to act in spite of

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Speaker 4: your feelings, being able to recognize when you're afraid, or

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Speaker 4: you're hesitating, or you're doubting yourself, and to either push

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Speaker 4: through it or rise above it, but to allow your

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Speaker 4: values or your goals or the thing that you really

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Speaker 4: want to be driving your actions versus feeling held hostage

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Speaker 4: by your emotions in the moment. Because motivations complete garbage

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Speaker 4: in my opinion, because it's not there when you need it.

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Speaker 4: And if motivation were available to us all at any time,

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Speaker 4: we would all have millions of dollars and six pack

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Speaker 4: abs and billion dollar businesses, and that would be that

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Speaker 4: motivation simply means you feel like doing something thing. And

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Speaker 4: what I've now learned, both through the experts that we

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Speaker 4: have on my podcast and all the research that I've

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Speaker 4: done for this book in particular, is that our brains

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Speaker 4: are wired to move towards what's easy, and when you're struggling,

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Speaker 4: like I was, struggling, it's easy to stand bed. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and your brain is wired to push against and move

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Speaker 4: away from whatever feels hard, which sets up a problem.

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Speaker 4: And the problem is changing is hard, and so you're

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Speaker 4: never going to feel like it, but you can do

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Speaker 4: it anyway. And recognizing that it's going to be hard

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Speaker 4: and recognizing that you're going to feel resistance, that's just

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Speaker 4: part of the natural wiring your body. Recognizing that, and

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Speaker 4: then knowing it's a skill to go, Okay, this is

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Speaker 4: going to be hard. Fuck it, I'm going And that's

437
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,640
Speaker 4: what my success is about. Like, my success literally boils

438
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,000
Speaker 4: down to the fact that I get out of bed

439
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,440
Speaker 4: on the days I don't feel like it, and every

440
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:06,200
Speaker 4: day I do the grueling, tedious, annoying crap that leads

441
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,040
Speaker 4: to incredible things over time.

442
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,240
Speaker 1: Well, right, and I think the productivity that gets more

443
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,000
Speaker 1: productivity Once you do get yourself out of that spot

444
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: and you start to like work towards what you want

445
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: to achieve, then that starts to become more of a habit, right,

446
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,240
Speaker 1: And you're so you're getting yourself out of one bad

447
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,320
Speaker 1: habit and leading yourself to better habits that are gonna I.

448
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 4: Mean, there's lots of ways, I still screw things up.

449
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:33,800
Speaker 1: Well, we always, I mean, that's exactly like, I'm always like, okay, positivity, optimism,

450
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,360
Speaker 1: and in the last two weeks I'm like, get the

451
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 1: fuck out of my face to anybody, you know, like,

452
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,360
Speaker 1: leave me alone, don't ask me to do one more thing.

453
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm at the end of my rope. I'm like, I

454
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,120
Speaker 1: want to be euthanized. I said that to my sister

455
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,000
Speaker 1: O that she goes, well, at least you're voicing it,

456
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,000
Speaker 1: because if you really wanted to euthanize yourself, you do

457
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,640
Speaker 1: just do it. She's like, so, I know you're full

458
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,680
Speaker 1: of shit. Anyway, I've been giving out your advice. When

459
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 1: yesterday we're on a podcast, I was like, listen, you

460
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,439
Speaker 1: need to just follow the let them theory. But it

461
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 1: was too it was two call because we have live callers.

462
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 1: Your most recent book. That's just that just came out right,

463
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,119
Speaker 1: This is just out. Yeah, they'll let them theory. Is

464
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:08,360
Speaker 1: it three children you have for four?

465
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:08,640
Speaker 4: Three?

466
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,840
Speaker 3: Oh? Sorry, I said dogs and cage.

467
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,440
Speaker 4: Okay, you didn't chouragize who cares?

468
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, maybe there is another one. Maybe maybe you

469
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,080
Speaker 1: have another sibling you haven't met yet.

470
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,960
Speaker 4: That's why we won't do twenty three and eight. I

471
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 4: don't want I'm already paying for everybody like that, I

472
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,200
Speaker 4: that I that I've created, so I don't need any hang.

473
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 3: I'm sure some extras.

474
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 1: They let them theory also would seem pretty basic, but

475
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,439
Speaker 1: it's not basic for all of us. It's like letting

476
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,000
Speaker 1: people do their things that really have nothing to do

477
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 1: with you. Letting go of control basically is like allowing people.

478
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,920
Speaker 1: If someone wants to be an asshole, if someone wants

479
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,320
Speaker 1: to be in a bad mood, if your kid doesn't

480
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,200
Speaker 1: want to go to a party with you, let them,

481
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 1: let them stay home. Let that person be in a

482
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760
Speaker 1: bad mood, don't try to tinker with their mood to

483
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:53,960
Speaker 1: make it what you want.

484
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 3: It to be.

485
00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:57,520
Speaker 1: Yes, which is advice that obviously everyone can use, and

486
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: which is advice. I'm very excited you're here today because

487
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,320
Speaker 1: we have people who call in for advice, and it's

488
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,359
Speaker 1: nice to have another sister to Leno. So we're going

489
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,439
Speaker 1: to take a break and we'll be right back with

490
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:14,960
Speaker 1: Mel Robbins. And we're back with Mel Robbins and her

491
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 1: new book, which is called The Let Them Theory.

492
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,879
Speaker 3: You guys need to pick this up.

493
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,160
Speaker 1: It's a great read, and I think there's a lot

494
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:20,919
Speaker 1: of common allies.

495
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,160
Speaker 3: And you mentioned this within the book.

496
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:26,920
Speaker 1: You talk a lot about Buddhism or stoicism or letting go,

497
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 1: and well, hold.

498
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,199
Speaker 4: On a second, let me say something about this. I

499
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 4: don't believe in letting go.

500
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,959
Speaker 3: You don't, God, no, oh, I do oh.

501
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 4: I don't let me tell you.

502
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,399
Speaker 3: About like the let them theory and letting go are similar.

503
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:37,680
Speaker 4: Not at all.

504
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:38,280
Speaker 3: Okay.

505
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,840
Speaker 4: See, I've never been able to let anything go because

506
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,760
Speaker 4: I'm competitive as hell, and when somebody says, mel just

507
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,399
Speaker 4: let it go, that to me means admit defeat and

508
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,439
Speaker 4: move on. And I don't like to let something go

509
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,480
Speaker 4: or feel like I have to just give up because

510
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,959
Speaker 4: it's out of my hands, and so I've never been

511
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 4: able to access that. To me, me, let them is

512
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:05,440
Speaker 4: very different because when you say let them, you're seeing

513
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,720
Speaker 4: what somebody is doing and you're allowing it without allowing it.

514
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 4: And when I say let it go, I feel defeated.

515
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,800
Speaker 4: When I say let them, I feel superior. And so

516
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 4: it's this tool that allows me to not only detach,

517
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,720
Speaker 4: but it allows me to feel in control and superior

518
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,000
Speaker 4: to the things that are irritating me, or that are

519
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,719
Speaker 4: worrying me, or that have hurt me. And so I

520
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,919
Speaker 4: feel it is very different in terms of the emotional

521
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,040
Speaker 4: experience and the psychological experience.

522
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,879
Speaker 1: I feel like letting go of things isn't about giving

523
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 1: up or defeatism.

524
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 3: Like I feel like.

525
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 1: When you can let go of something, it is very

526
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,879
Speaker 1: analogous to what you're saying. You're kind of rising above it.

527
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 1: You're not giving into it. You're going let that go.

528
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,159
Speaker 3: That's not for me.

529
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,760
Speaker 1: I don't not I'm giving it away or I'm giving up.

530
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 1: It's almost like that's not my business either, let that go,

531
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 1: Let my grudge against this person go, let that go.

532
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 3: I feel like it is very similar.

533
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: But you are the author and it doesn't work for you,

534
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 1: so we'll agree to disagree on that. But all of

535
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:14,119
Speaker 1: these are modes and ways to not focus on what

536
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 1: other people are doing and to focus on yourself and

537
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,920
Speaker 1: the things that you can control.

538
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 4: And here's the reason why this matters. The reason why

539
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,360
Speaker 4: this matters is because you have no idea how much

540
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 4: time and energy you are wasting yeah on things that

541
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 4: either don't matter or that you will never be able

542
00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:34,960
Speaker 4: to control. If you feel tired or overwhelmed, or you

543
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 4: feel like you're last on your list, or you're just

544
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,600
Speaker 4: not as happy as you would like to be in

545
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 4: your life. I'm going to tell you right now, the

546
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 4: problem isn't really you. The problem is you're unknowingly giving

547
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,439
Speaker 4: so much power to other people, and that's what's draining you,

548
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 4: and that's why you have no time. And one of

549
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:56,000
Speaker 4: the enormous benefits of learning how to use the let

550
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 4: them theory, both in relationships and in your day to

551
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,720
Speaker 4: day life is it's the ultimate boundary between you and

552
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:06,080
Speaker 4: the world because you get to choose when you say

553
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,920
Speaker 4: let them what actually impacts you and what doesn't. And

554
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,120
Speaker 4: what I was stunned by when I started using this

555
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 4: thing is I could not believe, first of all, how

556
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 4: many times I said it. So I must have a

557
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,120
Speaker 4: lot of anger issues because I was in travel let them.

558
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 4: I'm at the cash registerance you want, let them. I

559
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 4: walk in the front door and my dog is barfed

560
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,840
Speaker 4: right on the entry and my husband's somebody hasn't picked

561
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,159
Speaker 4: it up. It let them, And it was like this

562
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:34,160
Speaker 4: little lever that allowed me to go from not stressed

563
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 4: and on edge and kind of annoyed, but actually just

564
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 4: stay peaceful and unbothered. And when you can go through

565
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,879
Speaker 4: life like that, you get your time back and you

566
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,359
Speaker 4: get energy back, and that's time and energy that you

567
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 4: can pour into other things. And your whole experience of

568
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:54,359
Speaker 4: life is determined by what you pour time and energy into,

569
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,120
Speaker 4: and so it shifts absolutely everything.

570
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 1: Okay, great, I'm excited to take some collergies. Yeah, we

571
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,720
Speaker 1: have What do we have first for Mel?

572
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 2: Well, let's start with Katie, She writes, Dear Chelsea, I

573
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 2: don't really know how to write a fun, kitschy greeting

574
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,959
Speaker 2: with the current political climate, so I'm just gonna get

575
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:12,360
Speaker 2: right down.

576
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 1: I really forget about the politics when we're doing this podcast.

577
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 3: It's such a nice reprieve. I forget what's happening.

578
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:17,800
Speaker 4: I know.

579
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 2: I'm sorry to remind you.

580
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 3: I would appreciate not getting any letters like this.

581
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 2: But I saw you address this Mel and so with

582
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:26,080
Speaker 2: let them theory, and so I thought this was a

583
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,640
Speaker 2: good question for you. I'm a thirty four year old

584
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 2: white liberal female with she her pronouns that was very

585
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,880
Speaker 2: unfortunately born and raised in a red state. I've always

586
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,159
Speaker 2: viewed myself as a positive and understanding person that accepts

587
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,880
Speaker 2: people's differences. It's a beautiful thing as long as we're

588
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,199
Speaker 2: all treating each other with love and kindness. But with

589
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,719
Speaker 2: over half the country voting and electing such an openly

590
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 2: hateful and dangerous human being, I'm really struggling to find

591
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 2: any positivity in my day to day life. I've gone

592
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 2: to great lengths to build the community around me and

593
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 2: to be supportive and safe for all people. But since

594
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,800
Speaker 2: announcing the new president elect, I have covered that a

595
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 2: disgusting amount of my friends, family, and coworkers are actually

596
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,879
Speaker 2: celebrating his impending presidency. I've been crying, screaming, and raging

597
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,439
Speaker 2: about this for days, and I do not foresee any relief,

598
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,199
Speaker 2: as I have suddenly found myself surrounded by hate and

599
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,080
Speaker 2: without any hope for a better future. My community has

600
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 2: been dismantled, Our democracy, our very basic human rights and

601
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 2: bodily autonomy are at risk. And there's a very big

602
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 2: part of me that just wants to light a match

603
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 2: and watch the world burn. How do I, yeah, how

604
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 2: do I let go of this rage so I can

605
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,399
Speaker 2: move forward and try to find a light at the

606
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 2: end of the tunnel. I do not want to let

607
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 2: this evil man turn me into a hateful and intolerant

608
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,120
Speaker 2: person at rock bottom, Katie.

609
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 3: Mal why why don't you take the lead on this.

610
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 3: I'd love to go for it.

611
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 4: I'd love to There was a particular line in there

612
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 4: that struck me. Can I see that absolutely?

613
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:46,680
Speaker 6: Here?

614
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,040
Speaker 4: It is I've suddenly found myself surrounded by hate and

615
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 4: without any hope for a better future. That was the

616
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 4: line that hit me the most, without any hope for

617
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 4: a few And the reason why that line hit me

618
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 4: is because this illustrates the problem with giving power to

619
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 4: other people. Why on earth would you put all of

620
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,440
Speaker 4: the power for a better future in the hands of

621
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 4: one idiot who's running this country? And how dare any

622
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:25,440
Speaker 4: of us forget the power that we have to make

623
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 4: an enormous difference no matter what the hell is going

624
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 4: on in our families and our communities, in our schools

625
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 4: and our relationships. You know what I can't stand is

626
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 4: that when I think about relationships, I see a spider web.

627
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,960
Speaker 4: And when you're out in the morning walking the dew

628
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 4: hits the spider web. Right. That means we're all interconnected,

629
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 4: and we allow one person who has a narcissistic personality

630
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:53,240
Speaker 4: or toxic behavior or a challenging demeanor or really bigoted

631
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 4: opinions to go in and tap tap tap that spider

632
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,400
Speaker 4: web and impact all of us. I believe something different.

633
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 4: I believe that the person that is calm and peaceful

634
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 4: and rational and connected has more power than that person,

635
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,760
Speaker 4: and it's time we all start using it. And so

636
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,560
Speaker 4: it is appropriate to feel your emotions and let those

637
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 4: emotions come up. And the reason why you're writing I

638
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:18,640
Speaker 4: want to acknowledge is important because you now understand that

639
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,480
Speaker 4: those emotions that are very mentally healthy response to what's

640
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 4: happening around you. By the way, those emotions mean you're

641
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 4: working well. It means your mind and your body are

642
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 4: working the way that it should. So that's great, and

643
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,920
Speaker 4: you're writing for help because you also know something else.

644
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 4: You don't want any other person, whether it's your family

645
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:42,240
Speaker 4: members or the people that just got elected, or what

646
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 4: is going on anywhere around you, to impact your mental health.

647
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:48,400
Speaker 4: And here's what I'm going to say. They don't have to.

648
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,240
Speaker 4: And the reason why you have to say let them

649
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 4: is because the election's over and the people that you

650
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 4: care about have opinions that you do not understand and

651
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 4: arguing with them. We know, based on research just turns

652
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 4: off the part of the brain that has anybody hear anything,

653
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 4: And so being in conflict with people doesn't change them.

654
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 4: It actually creates more resistance to hearing you or to

655
00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 4: changing themselves. And so when you say let them, you're

656
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 4: not agreeing with anything. You're not allowing anybody to trample

657
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 4: you or your right and you're.

658
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: Also not trying to convince anyone of anything. Yes, no,

659
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,440
Speaker 1: because you can convince people. You're a highly influential person

660
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:33,120
Speaker 1: through your behavior and your energy, and people only change

661
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 1: when they can or when they feel like changing. And

662
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,000
Speaker 1: when you give people the space to come to their

663
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 1: own conclusions and you influence them through your behavior and energy,

664
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 1: they change on their own. When you engage in arguments

665
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 1: and battles and judgment over these things, even if your

666
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: judgments are right, and by the way they're judging you

667
00:31:57,160 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 1: and they think they're right, you create deadlock. And that's

668
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,360
Speaker 1: what's wrong with the political system in most of the

669
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: world right now, is we're all in deadlock. And so

670
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that what's happening is right. I'm not

671
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,800
Speaker 1: saying that, you know, there's not reasons to be nervous.

672
00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: What I am saying is this. If you don't let them, if.

673
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,360
Speaker 4: You don't detach from this, you're going to allow the

674
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:26,480
Speaker 4: stress and anger and anxiety of uncertainty to hijack your

675
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 4: brain and you are not going to be able to

676
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,080
Speaker 4: think strategically, and you are not going to be motivated.

677
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 4: And in a moment like this, what we need is

678
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 4: more light. In a moment like this, your job is

679
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 4: to glow. It is not to turn the light off.

680
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 4: And so I say, this is the perfect moment to say,

681
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 4: let them, because you recognize what's happened has happened. People

682
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 4: believe what they believe. Your power is not in managing that.

683
00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:02,320
Speaker 4: Your power is taking responsibility for how you're going to respond.

684
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 4: And let's even just look at the word responsibility. It's

685
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 4: the ability to respond. And in life you always have

686
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,760
Speaker 4: three things. You have three things within your control. This

687
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 4: is where your power is. Number one, you get to

688
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:16,480
Speaker 4: choose what you think. So you get to choose what

689
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,120
Speaker 4: you think about what just happened, and more importantly, what

690
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,280
Speaker 4: you think you're going to do about it. Number two,

691
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 4: you get to choose what you're going to do or

692
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 4: not do. And I will remind you of that famous

693
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,080
Speaker 4: professor Margaret read quote of it only takes a small

694
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,720
Speaker 4: group of committed citizens to change everything. In fact, that's

695
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 4: the only thing that ever has. And if you don't

696
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 4: like what you see that person as you. And so

697
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 4: you get to choose not only what you're going to

698
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,000
Speaker 4: do or not do, but you also get to choose,

699
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 4: by the way, whether or not you're going to stay

700
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,360
Speaker 4: in a conversation or a dining room table, or a

701
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 4: family text chain, or a conversation or a date or

702
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 4: a job interview. You get to choose, which means you're

703
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,479
Speaker 4: in power. And you also get to choose is what

704
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 4: you're going to do with your emotions. And if you're

705
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 4: tired of being angry, and I really acknowledge the fact

706
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,280
Speaker 4: that you recognize that this is no longer a healthy

707
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:11,040
Speaker 4: emotion for you, what I would focus on is I

708
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 4: would focus on going inward processing your anger, and then

709
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,840
Speaker 4: I would focus on you doing what you need to

710
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:22,879
Speaker 4: do to become the best version of you, because when

711
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 4: you do that, you are better prepared to face the

712
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,320
Speaker 4: challenges in the world, the things that you care about,

713
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 4: and to get to work, because that's what we all

714
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 4: need to do.

715
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:35,759
Speaker 3: Yes, Amen, I agree with that.

716
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,040
Speaker 1: I think that when you feel depleted and you feel angry,

717
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: you feel like you're at the end of your rope.

718
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 4: You're in a weak in state.

719
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: You are in a state where you're going to hate,

720
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,160
Speaker 1: you're going to blame, and you're going to feel hopeless.

721
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,319
Speaker 1: And it's your job to get you back into more

722
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,400
Speaker 1: of an activated state so that you can actually spread

723
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,120
Speaker 1: love and joyfulness and kindness even to the people that

724
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 1: you disagree with, because that is the medicine that everybody needs.

725
00:34:57,680 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 1: That's the medicine that's going to make you feel good

726
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,279
Speaker 1: about what you're doing, and that's the medicine that is

727
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 1: going to spread around your community. Don't talk to them

728
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 1: about politics. Just treat them like human beings, and you

729
00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:08,840
Speaker 1: don't know who they voted for. Like even though you

730
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,399
Speaker 1: know and it's bothersome to you, it's not your job

731
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,399
Speaker 1: to sit there and judge them, you know, Like, we'll

732
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,320
Speaker 1: all see what's going to happen in the next couple

733
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 1: of years, and it could be terrible or it could

734
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:19,600
Speaker 1: not be so terrible.

735
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 3: We seriously don't know.

736
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 1: But acting or living in this kind of dread isn't

737
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: useful to anyone, including yourself. So you have to figure

738
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: out a way in the next couple of days to

739
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,920
Speaker 1: five four three two one get up and do something

740
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 1: different other than feel sorry and hopeless about the future,

741
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,800
Speaker 1: because that is not a way to effectuate change.

742
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:39,040
Speaker 5: You know.

743
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 4: The other thing that I'm going to say is this,

744
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 4: So there's a tool that I talk about in this

745
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,719
Speaker 4: book called frame of reference, because I'm never going to

746
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,879
Speaker 4: tell you that if there are people in your life

747
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 4: that have very bigoted opinions or opinions about who you

748
00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 4: are as a person, or your identity or who you love,

749
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 4: you still are in control of who you spend time

750
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 4: with and how much access people have to you. But

751
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:06,240
Speaker 4: that is a deeply personal decision. What I have found

752
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 4: to be incredibly helpful to me because one of my

753
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,319
Speaker 4: deep values is family, and there are people in my

754
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,319
Speaker 4: life that have very different political opinions than I have.

755
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,439
Speaker 4: And so I choose, because I think we all need

756
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:24,280
Speaker 4: to get better at this. I choose, instead of judgment,

757
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 4: to go, how the heck could somebody that I know

758
00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 4: is a really decent person than a smart person and

759
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:36,400
Speaker 4: a caring person actually vote for this person? And so

760
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 4: instead of pulling back, I let them have their opinions

761
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 4: and their beliefs right, which creates space. It creates space

762
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 4: for two things to be true. I mean, I think

763
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 4: one of the reasons that their families is because it

764
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 4: teaches you how to love people you hate sometimes and

765
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 4: having the ability to give people the space to think

766
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 4: what they think and to have their opinions about things.

767
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,280
Speaker 4: It's a way of loving people even when you disagree

768
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,919
Speaker 4: with them. And so what I choose to do because

769
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,680
Speaker 4: I'm like, I don't fucking understand how you like, I

770
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,839
Speaker 4: know who you are, Like, this does not compute. I go,

771
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 4: how do I step into your shoes? And I actually

772
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 4: understand why this made sense to you. And I'm going

773
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 4: to give you my personal opinion. Everybody's distracted. Unless you

774
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:33,520
Speaker 4: have a hyper bigoted like person. Most people are wildly distracted.

775
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:36,600
Speaker 4: And if you look at the algorithms and you look

776
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:39,960
Speaker 4: at the way everything changed in terms of you look

777
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 4: at one video, the algorithms show you fifty thousand more videos. Right.

778
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,720
Speaker 4: Most people are getting their news on tikknok. Nobody trusts

779
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,920
Speaker 4: any news source, and so you have all of this

780
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:53,520
Speaker 4: information going at people, and so you might have somebody

781
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:55,279
Speaker 4: go yeah, but the joint chiefs of staffs, I'm like

782
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 4: ninety five percent of people don't even know who that

783
00:37:57,239 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 4: is or what that is or why they matter. And

784
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 4: by the way, they didn't see it. And so now

785
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 4: you have a situation where you have tremendous amount of

786
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,320
Speaker 4: pent up anger that is aimed at the government because

787
00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 4: of the lockdown and the pandemic. Right, so, people are

788
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:14,720
Speaker 4: in a stressed out state. In fact, doctor Aditi Neurokar

789
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 4: from Harvard, one of the most respected stress management doctors

790
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 4: in the world, believes that eighty three percent of people

791
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:23,920
Speaker 4: in the United States are any chronic state of stress,

792
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 4: which means you're amygdala is on and you're in fight

793
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,680
Speaker 4: or flight. When you're in fight or flight, you can't

794
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 4: really think critically. When you spend six hours a day

795
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:37,760
Speaker 4: on social media, which is what the research now shows

796
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,439
Speaker 4: the average person does. Oh my god, I mean kids,

797
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,080
Speaker 4: it's like twelve. And I'm putting this in context not

798
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 4: to justify anything, but because I choose to want to understand.

799
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 4: And that's what we have lost is a skill in

800
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 4: terms of human relationships. And when I look at all

801
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 4: of that and I go, oh, there's a lot of

802
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 4: frustration and pent up anger that people have about what

803
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 4: happened these last four years and how they feel about

804
00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:05,840
Speaker 4: the new normal and hybrid work and the rise of

805
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,640
Speaker 4: costs of things, and everybody wants to blame everybody. Look

806
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,600
Speaker 4: at me when I was so in debt, who did

807
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:15,640
Speaker 4: I blame my husband? And so it's easy to blame.

808
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:21,000
Speaker 4: And when you go into the election booth and you vote,

809
00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 4: you literally have the capacity to remember just about one thing.

810
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 4: I remember this as a young trial lawyer when I

811
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,319
Speaker 4: was a public defender at Legal Aid, the OJ case

812
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 4: was happening, and so a lot of our supervisors when

813
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,319
Speaker 4: I was a public defender would talk a lot about

814
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 4: the fact that when you're doing a case, cases come

815
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 4: down to the thing you want a jury to repeat

816
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,959
Speaker 4: when they go back to deliberations. And if I to say,

817
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:45,160
Speaker 4: even to my daughters who are in their twenties, if

818
00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 4: the glove doesn't fit, you got to acquit. You know

819
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,759
Speaker 4: exactly what case I'm talking about, even though this was

820
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:54,680
Speaker 4: decades ago. Please tell me the Democrats tagline right, and

821
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 4: whether you vote for one side or the other, the

822
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:04,640
Speaker 4: other backline is nostalgic and personal. So everybody actually thinks

823
00:40:04,719 --> 00:40:07,439
Speaker 4: it means something else. And so if you have people

824
00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 4: who are stressed out getting their news on TikTok, going

825
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:12,000
Speaker 4: in and going Okay, well, who's going to do better

826
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:17,720
Speaker 4: by me? Guess who they choose. And so that's how

827
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:21,400
Speaker 4: I have come to rationalize. Oh, that's how I understand

828
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,759
Speaker 4: even though all these other things don't line up with

829
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 4: your character, how you would make that decision. M right

830
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 4: and so. But this is the most important part. You

831
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:35,360
Speaker 4: get to choose. You get to choose if the person's

832
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 4: opinions are that offensive to you. You get to choose

833
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:42,399
Speaker 4: how much time and energy you put into it.

834
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 1: And you also get to choose how much grace you

835
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 1: you know, you are able to demonstrate for a person

836
00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:51,360
Speaker 1: who has such conflicting and opposing views because.

837
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,920
Speaker 3: You there's a lot of sources.

838
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 1: There's a lot of joy in that as well, being

839
00:40:56,560 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: graceful for another person's opinions that don't mesh with yours.

840
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,560
Speaker 1: I think that's a nice skill set to learn and

841
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,120
Speaker 1: something you should think about, you know, moving forward, once

842
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 1: you get out of this funk, which you are going

843
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:07,560
Speaker 1: to get out of this funk.

844
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:08,680
Speaker 3: Okay, what do we.

845
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,399
Speaker 1: Have next, Catherine? I want I want to get as

846
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:11,840
Speaker 1: many callers on as possible.

847
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:17,440
Speaker 2: Subject line is anxious gay with therapist, husband seeks podcast help.

848
00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,560
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty night.

849
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,440
Speaker 3: If we're putting it in terms we can understand. Oh,

850
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:24,279
Speaker 3: but there they are.

851
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 2: Oh Hi, So they say dear Chelsea. And this comes

852
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,520
Speaker 2: from Anthony. At first, he says, I'm a thirty nine

853
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,239
Speaker 2: year old married gay man. My husband, Justin and I

854
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,919
Speaker 2: have been together for twelve years and married for almost two.

855
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:40,720
Speaker 2: He's a licensed therapist, very level headed and soft spoken.

856
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:43,880
Speaker 2: And then there's me, not a therapist, slightly neurotic, a

857
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 2: bit of an oversharer, and kind of all over the place.

858
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 2: Think the gay version of Jenny Mullin, obsessed with his

859
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,200
Speaker 2: exes and all. A lot of our friends find our

860
00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 2: dynamic fascinating and entertaining. So I thought, why not start

861
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,800
Speaker 2: a podcast, maybe even a YouTube or a TikTok account,

862
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,200
Speaker 2: where we give opinions and advice on anything everything. Who

863
00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:04,040
Speaker 2: wouldn't want to get guidance from him? A real therapist

864
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:05,800
Speaker 2: and they're kind of messy but well meaning.

865
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:06,400
Speaker 3: Friend me.

866
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,319
Speaker 2: It sounds fun, but we have no idea where to start. Also,

867
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:14,400
Speaker 2: the world already feels flooded with influencers and content creators,

868
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 2: so falling into that category. Is kind of embarrassing to me.

869
00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:20,840
Speaker 2: That alone makes me almost want to abandon the idea.

870
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 2: Love the podcast. It's where I got this whole ridiculous

871
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 2: idea from Love Anthony, and I guess justin ps, I

872
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:28,160
Speaker 2: haven't told him a writing this in yet.

873
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 1: Hi boys, Oh hi, I you well, you're in luck

874
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,880
Speaker 1: because we have a real ringer here today.

875
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:34,800
Speaker 3: Mel Robbins.

876
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:36,200
Speaker 2: Oh yeah.

877
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,840
Speaker 1: So, first of all, there is no bad podcast idea because,

878
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,800
Speaker 1: as it has been proven, everyone can have a podcast,

879
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 1: and so having an idea in and.

880
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:46,600
Speaker 3: Of itself is always possible.

881
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:48,759
Speaker 1: But if you're poo pooing the idea, if you find

882
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:52,640
Speaker 1: the idea embarrassing, that's not how you launch a podcast.

883
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 1: You have to be committed and fully into it, because

884
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,640
Speaker 1: I do think, I mean, just listening to you, I'm like, yeah,

885
00:42:57,640 --> 00:42:59,640
Speaker 1: why would that be a podcast? There's a lot of

886
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:03,120
Speaker 1: gay out there just to start with that would be

887
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,720
Speaker 1: interested in getting, you know, feedback from another gay couple.

888
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:06,719
Speaker 5: Yeah.

889
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:07,440
Speaker 6: I don't know.

890
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,759
Speaker 3: I guess mainly it's just not knowing really where to.

891
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 6: Start.

892
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, really, I don't think that's your issue.

893
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 5: Oh why says embarrassing, It's that's more of how he

894
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:27,720
Speaker 5: describes his anxiety is well, your Instagram bios, embarrassed about everything.

895
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: It's everything.

896
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:30,279
Speaker 4: No, no, let me let me tell you what your

897
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 4: issue is. You ready?

898
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:32,359
Speaker 6: Yeah?

899
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,120
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, I know.

900
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 4: I'm serious. Your your issue is very clear to me.

901
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:41,840
Speaker 4: And the issue is you're giving power to other people's opinions.

902
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 4: I do that a lot, yes, and so I'm going

903
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:48,720
Speaker 4: to teach you how to stop doing that. Because if

904
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:53,680
Speaker 4: you want something in your heart, the only person that

905
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,719
Speaker 4: can stop you from doing it is you. And if

906
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:00,800
Speaker 4: you are sitting there saying I would like to launch

907
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 4: a podcast, the things you need to do are easy.

908
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 4: Just google it and Ai'll spit out the seven steps

909
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:10,120
Speaker 4: and do it. But what's going to stop you is

910
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:14,239
Speaker 4: you're going to stop and consider what other people are

911
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,440
Speaker 4: going to think about this. And that means you're giving

912
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:21,839
Speaker 4: power to another person's thought. And here's the reason why

913
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:25,960
Speaker 4: that sucks. The average person has seventy thousand thoughts a day,

914
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 4: and you will never be able to crawl up into

915
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:33,840
Speaker 4: their head and manipulate what they think about you. And so,

916
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 4: instead of causing your self anxiety, and instead of navigating

917
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:40,680
Speaker 4: your life trying to do things so that people don't

918
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 4: think something negative, I want you to do the opposite.

919
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:45,440
Speaker 4: I want you to use my let them theory. And

920
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:47,360
Speaker 4: when you feel anxious and you start to go, I

921
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,560
Speaker 4: don't know what to do, and no, no, no, you're worried.

922
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 4: People are going to judge, and you're going to say,

923
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:55,680
Speaker 4: let them think negative thoughts, let them judge me, let

924
00:44:55,719 --> 00:44:59,640
Speaker 4: them unfollow, let them not listen, let them think whatever

925
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 4: they're going to to think, because I know it's a

926
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:04,400
Speaker 4: waste of my time and energy to try to manage

927
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 4: something I'm never going to be able to control. So

928
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:08,319
Speaker 4: I'm going to let them think what they want. And

929
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 4: then you're going to say the second part, which is,

930
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:14,280
Speaker 4: let me take the power back and follow the list

931
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 4: on AI and launch the damn podcast. Because when you

932
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:22,520
Speaker 4: do that and you no longer allow other people's opinions

933
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 4: to be an obstacle, you're going to be proud of yourself.

934
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:28,000
Speaker 4: And when you're proud of yourself, you won't give a

935
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:30,640
Speaker 4: shit what anybody thinks, because you know who you are.

936
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:33,440
Speaker 4: But as long as you're giving power to something you

937
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:35,640
Speaker 4: can never control, which is what somebody else is going

938
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 4: to think, you will be standing in your way and

939
00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:41,400
Speaker 4: robbing yourself of the potential of your life for the

940
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,520
Speaker 4: rest of your life. Do not do that. That is

941
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:46,440
Speaker 4: a sad way to go through life. And you have

942
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:49,360
Speaker 4: something to offer, and the fact that you took the

943
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 4: time to write in to Chelsea to ask about it

944
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:55,240
Speaker 4: means you want to do it. So do not allow

945
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:58,359
Speaker 4: someone else's opinion, which you cannot control, start saying, let

946
00:45:58,440 --> 00:45:59,920
Speaker 4: them have a negative opinion.

947
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:03,080
Speaker 3: This is the book, Yeah, go get at it. The

948
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 3: letter copy today. This is going to tell you exactly.

949
00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:07,799
Speaker 1: This is going to tell you her story, how she

950
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:11,160
Speaker 1: began everything she was facing, and how she got herself

951
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:12,839
Speaker 1: out of it, and how she got herself into motion.

952
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:14,000
Speaker 3: And this is what you need to read.

953
00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:16,759
Speaker 4: And we found out today we are the twelfth most

954
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:19,239
Speaker 4: stream show on all of Spotify this year on her

955
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:21,720
Speaker 4: A little bit about what I'm talking about.

956
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, on the planet, Yeah, so fucking listen up. Okay, guy,

957
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,839
Speaker 1: I let them think negative thoughts. And one more thing

958
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:35,400
Speaker 1: about the influencer thing. You influence people. Now, everybody on

959
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:38,600
Speaker 1: the planet is an influencer because we are influenced by

960
00:46:38,600 --> 00:46:43,040
Speaker 1: other people's behavior. And so don't let the label that

961
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 1: you will never be able to control anyway stop you

962
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,480
Speaker 1: from going out and expressing yourself or trying to make

963
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:54,000
Speaker 1: a difference let them.

964
00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:56,360
Speaker 2: Well, you'll also find in the first fifty pages or

965
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:58,440
Speaker 2: so of the book that mel story is very similar.

966
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:01,480
Speaker 2: How you were like, ah, this seems so, but you know,

967
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:03,600
Speaker 2: went out and got headshots and made a website and

968
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:04,280
Speaker 2: all that stuff.

969
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have nothing more to add to that, I

970
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,440
Speaker 1: think she yeah, really kind of gave you your marching orders.

971
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:14,000
Speaker 3: Boys. Well jeez, I guess so. Yeah.

972
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think, yeah, use that and apply it

973
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:21,000
Speaker 1: into all facets of your life, because while being inveterately

974
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,759
Speaker 1: embarrassed or whatever your Instagram handle is might be cute

975
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,279
Speaker 1: and funny, you're really giving a lot of people power

976
00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:28,960
Speaker 1: by having so many things that embarrass you. You can

977
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,840
Speaker 1: be embarrassing without being embarrassed about it. Do you know

978
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:32,440
Speaker 1: what I'm saying?

979
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:36,440
Speaker 3: No, yeah, I understand that makes sense. I'll go change

980
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:36,879
Speaker 3: it right.

981
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,400
Speaker 4: Well, you know what you could also say, let Chelsea

982
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:46,040
Speaker 4: have her opinion, and then let me remind myself that

983
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:47,719
Speaker 4: I can choose what I think, and I can choose

984
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 4: what I do, and I can choose how I process things.

985
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,160
Speaker 2: So yeah, okay, and go have fun, do a fun

986
00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:55,320
Speaker 2: creative project together. This will be great, You'll have a

987
00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:59,280
Speaker 2: great time. Yeah, that's kind of how it all really started.

988
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 5: I mean, yeah, we have a lot of friends who

989
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:04,160
Speaker 5: are like incredibly supportive idea, Like they like they want

990
00:48:04,239 --> 00:48:05,719
Speaker 5: us to do it, they're begging us to do it,

991
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,480
Speaker 5: and it's just one of those things. It's like okay,

992
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:11,799
Speaker 5: like and there sounds good, right, but almost how will

993
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:14,680
Speaker 5: it actually like be with people? Like, how will they.

994
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 4: They're focused on the wrong thing, Yeah, and not look

995
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:21,680
Speaker 4: at it. Yes, because here's the thing. You're not doing

996
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:24,799
Speaker 4: it so people listen. You're doing it to prove to

997
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 4: yourself that you actually believe in yourself and that you

998
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:31,759
Speaker 4: honor the things that you want to try. You're not

999
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:34,359
Speaker 4: doing this so that other people like it. You're doing

1000
00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:36,120
Speaker 4: it so that you like yourself.

1001
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:38,880
Speaker 3: And by virtue of that, people will be interested.

1002
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 1: Yes, by virtue in your own self belief, people will

1003
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:42,320
Speaker 1: be interested.

1004
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 6: All Right.

1005
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:43,879
Speaker 1: I love that.

1006
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:45,280
Speaker 5: It's very growth mindset.

1007
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:48,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, all right, thanks. That sounds great. It sounds

1008
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:51,800
Speaker 3: like we fixed everything. Okay, Bye, boys.

1009
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:54,640
Speaker 6: Yeah a problems bye.

1010
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 2: I thinks.

1011
00:48:57,160 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 3: Well, take a quick break and we'll come back to

1012
00:48:58,640 --> 00:48:59,920
Speaker 3: wrap up with Mel Robbins.

1013
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 2: All Right, So our last one we have another caller.

1014
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:07,399
Speaker 4: Let's do it.

1015
00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:12,280
Speaker 2: Okay? Great. This is Brooklyn and she's thirty three. She says,

1016
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,400
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, my name is Brooklyn and I'm from Vancouver, BC.

1017
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:18,280
Speaker 2: I need some advice on what to do about my sister.

1018
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:20,839
Speaker 2: She's been involved with a man for four years now

1019
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,240
Speaker 2: that will not commit to her, which is a blessing

1020
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:27,080
Speaker 2: because he's the worst human imaginable. Him not committing makes

1021
00:49:27,080 --> 00:49:30,200
Speaker 2: her want him even more. When he did quote unquote commit,

1022
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:33,520
Speaker 2: he cheated left, right and center. He's involved with very

1023
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:36,719
Speaker 2: dangerous people, himself being the main one. She's missing out

1024
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 2: on so many opportunities to meet a great guy because

1025
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:42,000
Speaker 2: she's wasting her time with this low life. She's successful

1026
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 2: in the beauty industry and consumes her life outside of

1027
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,399
Speaker 2: that trying to get his approval. All our friends hate him,

1028
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:50,200
Speaker 2: our parents don't want him around. This could ruin her life.

1029
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,120
Speaker 2: The potential is that bad? What do I do? Brooklyn?

1030
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 6: Hi?

1031
00:49:54,719 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 3: Brolyn?

1032
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:55,880
Speaker 6: Hello?

1033
00:49:56,239 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: Hi, this is Mel Robbins, our special guest today.

1034
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:01,440
Speaker 6: You guys are my talk to podcasts I listen to.

1035
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:02,320
Speaker 6: That's so crazy.

1036
00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:05,279
Speaker 4: Oh my god, Well thank you for that. Do you

1037
00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:06,080
Speaker 4: do you want to go?

1038
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:07,839
Speaker 3: And as me, you go take the leave.

1039
00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:10,680
Speaker 4: So is this the first time she's been in a

1040
00:50:10,719 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 4: relationship with somebody who won't commit, or is this a pattern?

1041
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:17,160
Speaker 7: She had a great boyfriend Okay, okay, yeah, so she's

1042
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:18,280
Speaker 7: had successful relationship.

1043
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 4: Well, I asked that because there's a lot of research

1044
00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:23,239
Speaker 4: around this, and if it's a pattern, it's one piece

1045
00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:25,840
Speaker 4: of advice. If it's not a pattern, it's a different

1046
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:29,840
Speaker 4: piece of advice. Part of the problem is that she

1047
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:32,440
Speaker 4: is in a dynamic with somebody that sounds like an

1048
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:36,319
Speaker 4: abuse cycle, where it's really good and then it's really bad,

1049
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 4: and then there's an apology and then it's really good,

1050
00:50:38,719 --> 00:50:42,600
Speaker 4: and that activates addiction circuitry in the brain, which makes

1051
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:44,960
Speaker 4: it very hard to leave. They've done a lot of

1052
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,279
Speaker 4: study about the fact that if somebody's bad to you

1053
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:50,160
Speaker 4: all the time, it's easier to leave. If somebody is good,

1054
00:50:50,200 --> 00:50:52,279
Speaker 4: then bad, then they're really good, then they're bad, then

1055
00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:56,000
Speaker 4: they're bad, then they're good. You don't understand like it's

1056
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:59,160
Speaker 4: you start kind of craving the good and you explain

1057
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:03,880
Speaker 4: away the bad, and so you're dealing with circuitry in

1058
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:06,960
Speaker 4: the brain that is hard to overcome. And the reason

1059
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:08,880
Speaker 4: why I'm going to start there is because people do

1060
00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:12,880
Speaker 4: well when they can, and she's in a situation where

1061
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:17,200
Speaker 4: it doesn't sound like she can do well yet. And

1062
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:22,080
Speaker 4: I am going to highly recommend that you dive deep

1063
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:25,000
Speaker 4: into the let them theory, because she's not going to

1064
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:28,279
Speaker 4: leave him until she feels like it, and she is

1065
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:32,480
Speaker 4: going to stay in this longer if she feels judgment

1066
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:38,040
Speaker 4: from you guys, because the judgment or the distance adds

1067
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:41,720
Speaker 4: more shame, which makes her want to fix it more.

1068
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:46,120
Speaker 4: And she's got to have You're smart in not bringing

1069
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:50,440
Speaker 4: up but there's now this dynamic where she knows this

1070
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,920
Speaker 4: is not the right relationship and she's probably embarrassed about it.

1071
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:57,520
Speaker 4: And when you're in that situation, the only way to

1072
00:51:57,560 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 4: redeem yourself is to somehow save the relationship, because if

1073
00:52:01,040 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 4: she finally breaks up with him, what are you going

1074
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:06,319
Speaker 4: to hear? I told you so. And so you're in

1075
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:10,880
Speaker 4: this dynamic with her where there's a standoff and knowing

1076
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:15,080
Speaker 4: that she will do well when she can, and because

1077
00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:19,000
Speaker 4: of the dynamic of this relationship, she can't right now.

1078
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 4: And one of the best things that you can do

1079
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:25,879
Speaker 4: is you can approach this very differently. First of all,

1080
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 4: have you apologized for judging. Have you apologized for pressuring her?

1081
00:52:31,760 --> 00:52:32,000
Speaker 6: No?

1082
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 7: I've kind of approached the conversation as I tell her

1083
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 7: like I don't have anything nice to say, so I

1084
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:38,120
Speaker 7: don't want to say it anymore.

1085
00:52:38,239 --> 00:52:39,839
Speaker 6: Like that's kind of where that would end.

1086
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:43,160
Speaker 4: Uh huh okay. So there's something that I write about

1087
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:46,440
Speaker 4: in the book called the ABC loop, and A stands

1088
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:50,160
Speaker 4: for apologize and then ask open ended questions. And the

1089
00:52:50,280 --> 00:52:52,319
Speaker 4: asking of the open ended questions is, well, how do

1090
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:55,560
Speaker 4: you feel about it? And is there anything that you

1091
00:52:55,600 --> 00:52:58,840
Speaker 4: want to change? And then you say is there anything

1092
00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:02,239
Speaker 4: I can do to be more supportive? And that's it.

1093
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:04,920
Speaker 4: And what you're doing is you're actually, in a non

1094
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 4: judgmental way, you're creating space for her to talk about

1095
00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:11,920
Speaker 4: what's working and what's not working. And she might lie

1096
00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 4: to me, Oh, everything's great. But here's the thing. Based

1097
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:16,520
Speaker 4: on the research, what you're doing by asking open ended

1098
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:20,359
Speaker 4: questions is you're raising tension internally because she knows it's

1099
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:23,600
Speaker 4: not working. Yeah, she knows this guy's a dickhead. She

1100
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,719
Speaker 4: knows that she deserves better, but she's trapped in it,

1101
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:30,319
Speaker 4: and so you're raising this tension that allows her to

1102
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 4: start to face the thing that she's in. She's gaslighting

1103
00:53:33,719 --> 00:53:36,800
Speaker 4: herself around, and then you're going to be back off

1104
00:53:37,320 --> 00:53:40,640
Speaker 4: because people don't change until they can or they feel

1105
00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:43,000
Speaker 4: like it, and nobody wants to change and be told

1106
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 4: I told you so, So you're just back off and

1107
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:48,840
Speaker 4: give her space. But they I don't say anything. I

1108
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:50,480
Speaker 4: don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.

1109
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,359
Speaker 4: That's actually not an apology that you haven't backed off

1110
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 4: yet because she knows you're judging her. That's why the

1111
00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:58,239
Speaker 4: A part is important. Now you're going to back off

1112
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:01,120
Speaker 4: for at least three months, and then you've got to

1113
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:07,520
Speaker 4: just model positive behavior meaning acceptance, love, ask her bring

1114
00:54:07,560 --> 00:54:10,560
Speaker 4: him around, no, like, hey, I want to see you,

1115
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:13,440
Speaker 4: And if that means he's coming to I'm going to

1116
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:15,759
Speaker 4: change how I am around him. And you're going to

1117
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:17,680
Speaker 4: notice something. She doesn't want him around because she knows

1118
00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:20,239
Speaker 4: he's not good for her. Do you see what I'm saying?

1119
00:54:20,520 --> 00:54:20,719
Speaker 6: Yeah?

1120
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:22,040
Speaker 7: I like what you said because I think that would

1121
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:24,279
Speaker 7: bring us closer, because there's this divide between us where

1122
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:27,120
Speaker 7: we're not open anymore because we can talk about everything.

1123
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:32,200
Speaker 4: Of course, well, because you're judging her, yes, and yes,

1124
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:35,640
Speaker 4: it's just him but no, no, no, no, no, hold on,

1125
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 4: hold on. You don't get to pick and choose that way.

1126
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:42,360
Speaker 4: If you're judging the person I'm dating, you're judging me, okay,

1127
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:48,120
Speaker 4: And so when you judge another human being, that doesn't

1128
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:52,520
Speaker 4: create motivation for connection or change. It creates resistance to it.

1129
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:55,879
Speaker 4: And you're going to have to wrap your brain around

1130
00:54:55,880 --> 00:55:00,000
Speaker 4: this is the hardest thing in the world to understand. You.

1131
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:03,320
Speaker 4: You are right, and wanting the best for your sister

1132
00:55:03,640 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 4: is a beautiful and loving thing, and I want the

1133
00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:09,200
Speaker 4: best for your sister and you too, But you're going

1134
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:12,680
Speaker 4: about it in a way that you're working against the

1135
00:55:12,719 --> 00:55:16,040
Speaker 4: circuitry of the way that human beings are wired, and

1136
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:19,839
Speaker 4: it's creating pressure and resistance and distance, and that's not

1137
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:20,399
Speaker 4: what you want.

1138
00:55:21,080 --> 00:55:26,280
Speaker 7: Would this make a difference if he was dangerous?

1139
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:33,319
Speaker 4: Yes? And the average domestic violence relationship. I was a

1140
00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:36,240
Speaker 4: crisis intervention counselor on a domestic violence hotline.

1141
00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:38,520
Speaker 3: Jesus, you really have had a lot of careers.

1142
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:42,960
Speaker 4: It takes somebody an average of seven times to leave.

1143
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:47,400
Speaker 7: It's not domestic violence. He's dangerous himself in his life

1144
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:48,440
Speaker 7: and his job in his life.

1145
00:55:48,560 --> 00:55:53,960
Speaker 4: Choices understood and when that's the case. There's almost always

1146
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 4: commingling of that type of violence in the relationship too,

1147
00:55:57,880 --> 00:56:00,680
Speaker 4: whether it's emotional or physical, and there's a tremendous amount

1148
00:56:00,719 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 4: of denial about what's actually going on. And so I

1149
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:09,720
Speaker 4: think you need to talk to somebody that has expertise

1150
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:15,120
Speaker 4: in domestic violence and in emotional abuse, because there's probably

1151
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:18,319
Speaker 4: a lot of narcissistic personality style things going on too.

1152
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,200
Speaker 4: And what the experts will tell you I would start

1153
00:56:21,239 --> 00:56:24,320
Speaker 4: following doctor Romani di Versla, who's the world's leading expert

1154
00:56:24,320 --> 00:56:28,080
Speaker 4: on narcissism. But what the experts will tell you is

1155
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:32,640
Speaker 4: that one of the hardest forms of abuse to unwind

1156
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:36,200
Speaker 4: in somebody is the abuse that you receive when you're

1157
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:38,719
Speaker 4: in a relationship with somebody that has a narcissistic and

1158
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:42,799
Speaker 4: controlling personality style. And so you need to look at

1159
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:45,880
Speaker 4: your sister as somebody who is in almost like a

1160
00:56:45,920 --> 00:56:50,640
Speaker 4: hostage situation. She doesn't even know it. And again, people

1161
00:56:50,680 --> 00:56:54,080
Speaker 4: do well when they can, and so you're when you

1162
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:57,839
Speaker 4: say let them, you're not allowing this to happen to her.

1163
00:56:58,560 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 4: You're recognizing what's happen happening to her, and you're also

1164
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:05,680
Speaker 4: recognizing that you can't get her out of this. She

1165
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,480
Speaker 4: has to get herself out of this with your support,

1166
00:57:09,120 --> 00:57:11,000
Speaker 4: and the only way that's going to happen is if

1167
00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:14,040
Speaker 4: you can draw her closer to you, and as long

1168
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:18,720
Speaker 4: as you're judging her or she feels that you are

1169
00:57:18,720 --> 00:57:23,800
Speaker 4: creating distance. And so this is a situation where I

1170
00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:29,680
Speaker 4: would get support from a licensed therapist or counselor that

1171
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,920
Speaker 4: deals with domestic violence or narcissism brain circuitry, so they

1172
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:37,080
Speaker 4: can advise you on this. But you really want to

1173
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:43,560
Speaker 4: take an approach of open arms and no judgment and support,

1174
00:57:44,400 --> 00:57:47,480
Speaker 4: and that's going to draw her to you. Does that

1175
00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:47,959
Speaker 4: make sense?

1176
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 6: Yeah, it totally does.

1177
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:51,760
Speaker 1: It's almost like you have to outsmart the two of them,

1178
00:57:51,880 --> 00:57:55,160
Speaker 1: you know, instead of being reactive to the situation, you

1179
00:57:55,280 --> 00:57:57,800
Speaker 1: kind of have to be the bigger person and see

1180
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:00,800
Speaker 1: the situation for what it is, which probably has an

1181
00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:04,480
Speaker 1: expiration date, and getting closer to your sister rather than

1182
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:07,960
Speaker 1: pushing her farther away, is probably going to help expedite

1183
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 1: that expiration date without you controlling the situation.

1184
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:13,640
Speaker 6: That's so true, and I was doing the opposite. So

1185
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:15,560
Speaker 6: that's really good advice from both of you.

1186
00:58:15,680 --> 00:58:16,000
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1187
00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:18,680
Speaker 4: Great, if you give the producers your address. I'm going

1188
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:20,439
Speaker 4: to mail you a copy of the Let Them Theory

1189
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:22,280
Speaker 4: before it's even out, so that because you need to

1190
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:23,000
Speaker 4: read this right.

1191
00:58:22,920 --> 00:58:24,439
Speaker 6: Now, fazing. Thank you.

1192
00:58:25,080 --> 00:58:27,880
Speaker 1: That's all right, all right, Well take care and good

1193
00:58:27,960 --> 00:58:29,320
Speaker 1: luck with everything with your sister.

1194
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:32,240
Speaker 6: So much, Chelsea, thank you.

1195
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:32,800
Speaker 4: You're welcome.

1196
00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:33,960
Speaker 6: I appreciate it.

1197
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:37,440
Speaker 3: Hie, you know what I wanted to ask you before

1198
00:58:37,440 --> 00:58:38,040
Speaker 3: we wrap up.

1199
00:58:38,080 --> 00:58:40,680
Speaker 1: So then this book you talk about seeing like a

1200
00:58:40,720 --> 00:58:43,640
Speaker 1: group of friends of yours going on vacation, which I

1201
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 1: think is something that a lot of people can relate

1202
00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:48,320
Speaker 1: to in the age we live in. And you were

1203
00:58:48,360 --> 00:58:50,840
Speaker 1: fixated on this idea that you weren't invited to this

1204
00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:52,160
Speaker 1: weekend and this girls get away.

1205
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:53,800
Speaker 3: Even though you weren't very close friends.

1206
00:58:53,520 --> 00:58:55,919
Speaker 1: With these girls at the time, right you had known

1207
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:59,640
Speaker 1: them over the years. So have you had any interactions

1208
00:58:59,640 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 1: with those women, like have they read this? They haven't

1209
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:02,960
Speaker 1: read this yet.

1210
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:03,120
Speaker 6: Oh.

1211
00:59:03,160 --> 00:59:05,240
Speaker 4: I reached out to two of them, Oh, and let

1212
00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:08,520
Speaker 4: them know. And like the story of the house, it's

1213
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,760
Speaker 4: like six different friends and I'm like, it's not just you.

1214
00:59:11,360 --> 00:59:13,360
Speaker 4: And there's a person with queen bunk buds in there.

1215
00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:17,800
Speaker 4: So here's the thing in the book, there's a story

1216
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:20,280
Speaker 4: where I see on social media that people have gone away.

1217
00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:23,400
Speaker 4: And by the way, it's a mentally healthy response to

1218
00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:26,280
Speaker 4: feel disappointed when you're not invited. That's a sign that

1219
00:59:26,680 --> 00:59:29,960
Speaker 4: you're actually well. The problem is you then turn it

1220
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:33,000
Speaker 4: against yourself and believe that you've done something wrong. And

1221
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:36,280
Speaker 4: so having the let them theory was life saving because

1222
00:59:36,480 --> 00:59:39,440
Speaker 4: normally I would have spiraled for weeks. I would have

1223
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:41,840
Speaker 4: distanced myself from people I deeply care about, and I

1224
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:43,880
Speaker 4: would have made up stories in my mind that made

1225
00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:47,080
Speaker 4: me feel like some loser like I did in middle school.

1226
00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:50,439
Speaker 4: And instead I said, let them, let them go away,

1227
00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:53,960
Speaker 4: let them have a weekend without me, let them live

1228
00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:56,560
Speaker 4: their lives. And then you have to say, they'll let

1229
00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:59,040
Speaker 4: me part. And this is the part that nobody likes.

1230
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:01,200
Speaker 4: Everyone loves to get let them tattooed on them because

1231
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,400
Speaker 4: you feel superior. But the let me part is where

1232
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:07,880
Speaker 4: you have power and you take responsibility because then you go, well,

1233
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:11,680
Speaker 4: let me look a little deeper. If this hurts this much,

1234
01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:15,000
Speaker 4: Clearly I value friendship, and now I got to ask

1235
01:00:15,040 --> 01:00:17,560
Speaker 4: myself what am I thinking, doing or feeling about it?

1236
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:19,800
Speaker 4: And when I looked in the mirror, a Chelsea, I

1237
01:00:19,840 --> 01:00:22,360
Speaker 4: was working so much, I had let my friendships go.

1238
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:26,280
Speaker 4: And it's no one else's responsibility to create those relationships

1239
01:00:26,320 --> 01:00:29,320
Speaker 4: but mine. When was the last time I invited anybody over?

1240
01:00:29,360 --> 01:00:31,160
Speaker 4: When's the last time I planned a week in a way?

1241
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:32,560
Speaker 4: When's the last time I picked up the phone and

1242
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:34,680
Speaker 4: asked any one of those women that I now felt

1243
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:38,040
Speaker 4: excluded from how they were doing. And the truth is

1244
01:00:38,640 --> 01:00:40,800
Speaker 4: I hadn't done it in a very long time. And

1245
01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:42,640
Speaker 4: so then you go, well, what right do you have

1246
01:00:43,320 --> 01:00:45,680
Speaker 4: to expect to be invited if you're not even putting

1247
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:48,560
Speaker 4: in the effort. And so the let them theory also

1248
01:00:48,640 --> 01:00:53,080
Speaker 4: reveals not just where other people are falling short and

1249
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:56,760
Speaker 4: where you need to speak up and talk about what

1250
01:00:56,800 --> 01:00:59,400
Speaker 4: you need or how you may feel. It also reveals

1251
01:00:59,400 --> 01:01:02,480
Speaker 4: where you are, where you're sitting back bitching about your

1252
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:06,240
Speaker 4: job but you're actually phoning it in, Where you are

1253
01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:08,880
Speaker 4: feeling lonely but you haven't left your house in five days,

1254
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:12,959
Speaker 4: where you have complaints about your family, but you haven't

1255
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:16,120
Speaker 4: reached out to your siblings in a while. And so

1256
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:20,160
Speaker 4: I love this so much because whether you're talking about

1257
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:23,040
Speaker 4: politics or you're talking about a very scary situation, like

1258
01:01:23,080 --> 01:01:27,040
Speaker 4: that last caller, and you would do anything to extract

1259
01:01:27,080 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 4: your sister from that, just like we would do anything

1260
01:01:29,800 --> 01:01:34,480
Speaker 4: to help somebody get sober. But when you pressure, you

1261
01:01:34,520 --> 01:01:40,480
Speaker 4: actually create resistance to change. And when you blame, you

1262
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:45,080
Speaker 4: failed to see your power and responsibility in creating the

1263
01:01:45,120 --> 01:01:48,280
Speaker 4: things that you want in your life. And so it

1264
01:01:48,360 --> 01:01:51,000
Speaker 4: has been the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered.

1265
01:01:51,840 --> 01:01:55,160
Speaker 4: It has changed my life more than anything that I

1266
01:01:55,240 --> 01:02:00,280
Speaker 4: have ever learned about or used in my life. And

1267
01:02:00,320 --> 01:02:03,320
Speaker 4: I one thousand percent believe this is the legacy I

1268
01:02:03,360 --> 01:02:04,240
Speaker 4: will leave on this earth.

1269
01:02:04,320 --> 01:02:08,440
Speaker 1: Ooh, we love it well. We loved having email Robbins.

1270
01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:11,400
Speaker 1: And this book is obviously going to be a huge success.

1271
01:02:11,720 --> 01:02:14,440
Speaker 1: We know that for sure, and congrats on all of

1272
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:18,000
Speaker 1: your success. It's very very inspiring to see someone turn

1273
01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:19,800
Speaker 1: their life around in the way in which you have.

1274
01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:20,560
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1275
01:02:21,040 --> 01:02:24,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, So goodbye everyone. We will see you next week.

1276
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:28,280
Speaker 2: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1277
01:02:28,320 --> 01:02:31,160
Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1278
01:02:31,160 --> 01:02:34,240
Speaker 2: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1279
01:02:34,240 --> 01:02:37,880
Speaker 2: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

1280
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:40,400
Speaker 2: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

1281
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:41,440
Speaker 2: com