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Speaker 1: Because I think when you aren't used to taking care

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Speaker 1: of yourself, or you're not used to putting yourself first,

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Speaker 1: and you're used to putting everyone else's needs but yours,

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Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable to take care of yourself. You know,

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Speaker 1: you want to be mean to yourself. You think that

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Speaker 1: being mean to yourself and not caring for yourself is

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Speaker 1: like how you'll get to where you want to be.

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Speaker 1: But I like the compassion approach because in my work

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Speaker 1: in focusing on black women, a lot of how we

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Speaker 1: feel about ourselves is being dehumanized by society.

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Speaker 2: Hey ba fan, welcome back to the show. I'm so

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Speaker 2: excited to be joined by today's guest. It is therapist

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Speaker 2: and author Oludera Adio. She is the mind behind the

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Speaker 2: best selling books Self Care for Black Women one hundred

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Speaker 2: and fifty Ways to Radically accept and Prioritize your Mind, Body,

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Speaker 2: and Soul. Aludera has also expanded that book. She got

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Speaker 2: coloring books, y'all, she got meditations, and she has a

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Speaker 2: brand new deck of cards that we can actually use.

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Speaker 2: It's very fun to accompany that book as well. We're

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Speaker 2: going to talk about the Self Care for Black Women deck.

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Speaker 2: We're going to talk about her best selling book. We're

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Speaker 2: going to talk about her career. Oladera went from a

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Speaker 2: successful career in media to doing really deep work in

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Speaker 2: supporting black women's mental health. Her tools are packed with practical,

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Speaker 2: bite sized rituals that you can actually use in real life.

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Speaker 2: So we're going to talk about what self care really

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Speaker 2: looks like for black women, how you can set boundaries

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Speaker 2: without guilt, and some small daily practices that we can

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Speaker 2: all do to help us feel more grounded, seeing and supported.

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Speaker 2: And if we're lucky, I might talk to her a

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Speaker 2: little bit about that bunny, because I have it on

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Speaker 2: her socials and I do know her secret, which is

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Speaker 2: not a secret.

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Speaker 3: That funny man.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the show, Aladarra.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it feels like a long time coming. So tell

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Speaker 2: me about your journey from media to becoming a therapist

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Speaker 2: to best selling self help author, Like, how did that

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Speaker 2: all go down?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think about twenty years ago. It's

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Speaker 1: kind of crazy to think about. You know, I have

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Speaker 1: always been interested in magazines. I think I grew up

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Speaker 1: we grew up in the era of like magazines and

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Speaker 1: like those were a big deal, and I always loved

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Speaker 1: seventeen magazine. And so when I went to college at

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Speaker 1: Hofstre University in Long Island, I wasn't sure what I

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Speaker 1: wanted to study, but I eventually decided on journalism because

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Speaker 1: I've always just kind of been a writer and and

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Speaker 1: in school, I did a bunch of internships. I intern

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Speaker 1: at seventeen I Internet teen Vogue for like two years

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Speaker 1: with their website. I then I I had explored like

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Speaker 1: different fashion magazines, different beauty magazines, and then so I

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Speaker 1: actually wanted to work in fashion and beauty, be a

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Speaker 1: fashion and beauty journalist. But my first job out of

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Speaker 1: college was working at Cosmo, and I was working with

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Speaker 1: the website. I was a web assistant. Then by the

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Speaker 1: end of my third year, I was a associate web editor,

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Speaker 1: and then I left. I left that job for many reasons.

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Speaker 1: I was around the time my mom was ill, and

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Speaker 1: my mom being ill is also a part of kind

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Speaker 1: of like this journey through self care and my mom

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Speaker 1: passing as well. So my mom passed in twenty thirteen,

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Speaker 1: and that was also around the time where I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I think it's time for me to leave

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Speaker 1: this job. I had been experiencing some workplace bullying and

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Speaker 1: some stuff that is very common for black women, which

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Speaker 1: I didn't have that reflection until almost ten years later

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Speaker 1: that I was like, wait a minute, this was actually

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Speaker 1: not appropriate treatment. And so then after I left journalism

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Speaker 1: or I left magazines, essentially, it was kind of hard

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Speaker 1: for me to fine work. You know, it's journalism in

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Speaker 1: New York is a very competitive field. So I did

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Speaker 1: a bit of beauty pr and then I found my

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Speaker 1: way back into journalism as the managing editor of Double Excel.

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Speaker 1: That was an interesting experience and it was also the

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Speaker 1: experience that made me realize I don't want to do

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Speaker 1: this anymore. But I had, you know, at least from

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Speaker 1: college till then, which was twenty sixteen, I had spent

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Speaker 1: almost like seven years kind of like really trying to

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Speaker 1: solidify a career in journalism.

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Speaker 3: And so I had to get comfortable with pivoting.

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Speaker 1: And I simply leaned on my community and was like,

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Speaker 1: what do you guys think I should.

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Speaker 3: Do next to my life?

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Speaker 1: And I had really good friends around me who were like, well,

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Speaker 1: you like helping people, and you know, have you looked

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Speaker 1: into social work? And I never thought about grad school

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Speaker 1: and so then I began to explore that. I looked

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Speaker 1: at grad schools in Columbia. I looked at their social

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Speaker 1: work program at Columbia. Then I I realized that like

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Speaker 1: going to grad school because I never planned to, I

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Speaker 1: didn't really by the end of my undergrad my grades

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Speaker 1: weren't that bad that good. So I really had to

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Speaker 1: find a program that was like holistic, took looked at

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Speaker 1: the whole person, didn't just look at the grades.

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Speaker 3: And so I explored.

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Speaker 1: USC University of Southern California, and I was like, you

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Speaker 1: know what, I've always wanted to live on the West coast,

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Speaker 1: let me try it. And I came. I visited, it

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Speaker 1: felt right with my spirit. I fell in love with

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Speaker 1: LA instantly, and so I applied and I was hoping

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Speaker 1: I got in, and I got in. They gave me

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Speaker 1: a scholarship, and I was like, Okay, maybe I am

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Speaker 1: supposed to be here, and they gave me a scholarship

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Speaker 1: because I went into school with the purpose of focusing

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Speaker 1: on black women's mental health and so that which was inspired.

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Speaker 3: By my mom because my mom had been sick for.

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Speaker 1: She a was sick when I was in high school,

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Speaker 1: So maybe and then until she passed a little bit

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Speaker 1: after I was out of college, so I would say

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Speaker 1: from like twenty to twenty two thousand and six till

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Speaker 1: she passed in twenty thirteen.

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Speaker 3: She was ill.

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Speaker 1: So my mom had a room with or arthritis, and

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Speaker 1: she passed away from cardiac orress complications related to room

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Speaker 1: with arthritis. She you know, it was just that her

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Speaker 1: body was just so ill that they couldn't even operate

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Speaker 1: on her to maybe fix her heart. But like so,

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Speaker 1: but she had been ill for those years, and I

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Speaker 1: had been her caregiver in and out of college, even

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Speaker 1: in high school. And so, uh, my mom getting sick,

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Speaker 1: and when I had moved back home from college, she

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Speaker 1: had I was there working full time taking care of

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Speaker 1: my mom and it was a lot, and it also

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Speaker 1: forced me to reflect on my health and also reflect

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Speaker 1: on how my mom got to where she was with

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Speaker 1: her health. Because she couldn't walk anymore. She would have

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Speaker 1: different surgeries for her hips, her knees, her arms, and

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Speaker 1: it just like her body wouldn't heal because ruthor on

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Speaker 1: fritis is an autoimmune disease, so like, you know, your

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Speaker 1: body just is not at.

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Speaker 3: Its best, and so, you know, it really made me reflect.

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Speaker 1: On what my mom taught me about wellness and self care,

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Speaker 1: and what she taught me was that you ignore yourself.

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Speaker 1: She taught me that you put you know, you put

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Speaker 1: your family and friends and everyone else before you.

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Speaker 3: You're not honest with yourself. You're not you don't take breaks.

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Speaker 1: And so I had inherited a lot of those traits

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Speaker 1: and I began to have my own health issues after college.

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Speaker 1: I became a kneemack from having a really long period

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Speaker 1: I and then I had gone a journey to get

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Speaker 1: diagnosed with polycystic ovariance in Droman. Have been on that

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Speaker 1: journey for the last you know, like twenty years basically.

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Speaker 3: And so.

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Speaker 1: That was kind of like the catalyst for social work

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Speaker 1: and like wanting to focus on black women and their

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Speaker 1: mental health. And so then once I got into school,

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Speaker 1: I really got a chance to look at research.

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Speaker 3: When you're in grad school.

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Speaker 1: They let you choose your assignments a lot, and so

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Speaker 1: all my assignments, I would be like, yes, I want

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Speaker 1: to focus on wellness and black women, and let me

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Speaker 1: look at the research where the research say about the

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Speaker 1: impact of racism and stress on us, and how does

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Speaker 1: that show up for us as black women and so

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Speaker 1: I really got to learn a lot about how stress

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Speaker 1: is a silent killer, and a lot of the diseases

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Speaker 1: that kill black women and black people in general are

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Speaker 1: preventable diseases, but they're caused by a lot of the stress,

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Speaker 1: a lot of environmental stress, a lot of racism, a lot.

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Speaker 1: And so I became very passionate about working with that

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Speaker 1: community to kind of help us get on the forefront

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Speaker 1: of our wellness, to be more proactive and try to

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Speaker 1: prevent some of these stressors from eating at us.

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Speaker 3: And so I'm in grad school.

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Speaker 1: I get out of grad school, and my first job

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Speaker 1: is working with the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health.

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Speaker 1: I was a psychiatric social worker in skid Row, and

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Speaker 1: so skid Row is a really impoverished neighborhood in lots

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Speaker 1: of encampments, lots of people who aren't house, lots of

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Speaker 1: people who are using and so I worked with people

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Speaker 1: who had severe and persistent mental illnesses and so.

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Speaker 3: That was draining. And so I did that.

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Speaker 1: And then while I was doing that, someone from Simon

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Speaker 1: and Schuster reached out to me and were like, Hey,

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Speaker 1: do you want to write a book on self care?

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Speaker 3: And I was like, this is a joke.

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Speaker 1: This has to be this is a scam, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I think it was at the top of twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty one, right, so we're in the pandemic, and I

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Speaker 1: had decided that, Okay, maybe it's time for me to

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Speaker 1: try writing again, you know, like I've been doing therapy,

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Speaker 1: I've worked through whatever traumas I have around writing, and

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Speaker 1: let me get back to offering my services as like

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Speaker 1: a freelance editor or a writer. And so at that

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Speaker 1: top of that year, I'd just been posting a lot

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Speaker 1: of stuff about black women in wellness and all the

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Speaker 1: research I found and just just sharing.

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Speaker 3: My thoughts on that.

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Speaker 1: And so yeah, someone in Simon and Schuster, my editor,

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Speaker 1: reached out and she was like, I've got this book idea.

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Speaker 3: What do you think?

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Speaker 1: And I said, I love this idea and here's how

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Speaker 1: I would present it. And essentially they were like, this

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Speaker 1: is perfect. Let's roll with it.

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Speaker 3: And that's been the relationship ever since.

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Speaker 2: Essentially, I'm gonna just shut up and let you do thatt.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, all I do is be quiet. She gonna pivot,

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Speaker 2: she gonna ask herself questions, doing my best to make

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Speaker 2: mental It's like getting a really good voice note where

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Speaker 2: you have to like take a little book, you have

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Speaker 2: to like take notes as you're going, like I want

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Speaker 2: to come back to I want to come back to that. Okay,

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Speaker 2: that's a ton you pivoted, like you pivoted in your career,

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Speaker 2: you know a few times. Okay, So how did Simon

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Speaker 2: and Schuster They don't you know, they don't just like

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Speaker 2: happen to like, they don't come to usc and like

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Speaker 2: come and recruit you. Right, you're probably sharing your messages

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Speaker 2: online at that point. How did they find you and

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Speaker 2: find your work?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Probably through Twitter when Twitter was normal.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, yeah, I think I think, yeah, I think

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Speaker 1: through Twitter. I think I had also been you know,

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Speaker 1: people who reach out to you for expert insights. So

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Speaker 1: I may have been like in some articles. But so

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Speaker 1: my publisher, Adams Media, which is an imprint of Simon

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Speaker 1: and Schuster, their model for their books is essentially they

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Speaker 1: they come up with ideas, they look at the market.

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Speaker 1: It's very business y. It's like they look at the market.

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Speaker 1: They then they search for writers, and then they approach

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Speaker 1: writers and then the writer has to like submit and

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Speaker 1: they'll either say yes or no.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 1: So so that's there's I forget the name for the model,

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Speaker 1: but it's it's a it's a real model, and so

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Speaker 1: it's not traditional, you know, it's not traditional. And but

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Speaker 1: we've been able to enter a good relationship in the

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Speaker 1: sense of like like okay, like what do you think

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Speaker 1: should be next?

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Speaker 3: What are your ideas?

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Speaker 1: And it's been very healing for me to just be

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Speaker 1: able to write and have people be like, yes, this is.

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Speaker 2: Good well as another another woman of color who was

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Speaker 2: personally victimized by the magazine industry in New York City.

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Speaker 2: I'm just really I'm really happy for both of us

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Speaker 2: to be thriving. To be honest, you know, I don't

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Speaker 2: know that it I don't have we had a moment

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Speaker 2: where there's been like a reckoning with like the racism

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Speaker 2: and the the editorial industry, like the magazine industry especially

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Speaker 2: I don't know about in New York, but New York's

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Speaker 2: like the hub for it, right. But I remember we

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Speaker 2: were talking a little bit offline. We have a mutual

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Speaker 2: friend and even interning in New York City or before

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Speaker 2: my career even started. I remember in my intern program,

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Speaker 2: I think, I mean this other our mutual friend were

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Speaker 2: like the of the two only women of color and

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Speaker 2: feeling so inadequate and so left out even in that cohort,

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Speaker 2: and that just translate just sort of transitioned, and you know,

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Speaker 2: it followed me into my early career in magazines. And yeah,

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Speaker 2: so I really identify with what you were saying about,

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Speaker 2: like looking back on that period of your career like

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Speaker 2: a decade later and kind of giving yourself grace like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that wasn't OK, that was racism, microaggressions, what have you,

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Speaker 2: and like having to heal through that. I'm doing something

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Speaker 2: very similar. So yeah, I just really see you and

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Speaker 2: feel you on that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think back then we didn't have

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Speaker 1: a name for it, but we like felt it.

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Speaker 3: And maybe at least for me, I can speak on

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Speaker 3: like I grew up.

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Speaker 1: In neighborhoods where I was often the only black girl

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Speaker 1: and or I had few or few of us or

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Speaker 1: few and and so I was used to these environments,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't realize the toll it was taken on me.

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Speaker 1: And also I didn't understand that, like people can treat

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Speaker 1: you certain way just because they don't like you because

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Speaker 1: of the color of your skin, right, Like I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that was a I mean, obviously I knew that

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Speaker 1: was the thing, but I didn't realize that it could

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Speaker 1: be so insidious in like an editorial and to the

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Speaker 1: point where it really impacts like work and your desires.

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Speaker 1: And I think I had the you know what's common

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Speaker 1: a lot for black women and women of color in

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Speaker 1: these predominantly white spaces because editorial is predominantly white, right,

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Speaker 1: And it's like you go from like the pet to

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Speaker 1: threat right like that, And that's how I started. Everyone

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Speaker 1: loved me, but then there were lots of shifts and

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Speaker 1: then someone you comes in and they're like, no, I

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Speaker 1: don't like you, and I'm gonna make your life harder.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna shift your work.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to give you more work, I'm gonna have

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Speaker 1: more the goalpost is always going to move for you.

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Speaker 2: And so yeah, yeah, really felt that. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: just think it's it's healing to see someone who you know,

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Speaker 2: went through that now having this successful career as an

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Speaker 2: author and using your own voice and writing for the

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Speaker 2: audience that you want to write for. And yeah, I

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Speaker 2: just think it's so I mean, for anyone who's listening

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Speaker 2: who's like going through that, it's I just want to

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Speaker 2: honor that part of the journey that you got through

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Speaker 2: that and here you are, you know, selling books, not

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Speaker 2: just books, coloring books, meditation practices, self help cards. It's awesome. Hey,

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Speaker 2: ba fam, We got to take a quick break, pay

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Speaker 2: some bills and we'll be right back. You talked about

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Speaker 2: your mom, and it's interesting because I was just I

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Speaker 2: had someone on the show. We were just talking about

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Speaker 2: mothers and watching the toll of chronic stress on their bodies.

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Speaker 2: And I have definitely seen examples of that women in

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Speaker 2: my life, So I thought that was, yeah, interesting that

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Speaker 2: when you were talking about your mom and the lessons

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Speaker 2: that she taught you sort of seemed like it was

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Speaker 2: lessons of what not to let happen or how you

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Speaker 2: can maybe break some of those cycles that she had

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Speaker 2: lived when she was living. Had she come to that

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Speaker 2: realization herself? Did you help her find her way to

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Speaker 2: self care? Even you know, her body was breaking down,

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Speaker 2: But did she find her way to some self care

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Speaker 2: before she passed?

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Speaker 3: That's a really good question. I would say no.

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Speaker 1: I would say no because we actually had a conversation

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Speaker 1: where I was, you know, taking care of her and

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Speaker 1: I was juicyeing and you know, I started birth control

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Speaker 1: because that's all doctors know to do with pcos, and

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Speaker 1: I was like trying to take better care of myself.

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Speaker 1: The conversation was really like, you know, I've really learned that,

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Speaker 1: like I need to take care of myself. This has

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Speaker 1: taught me this, because she was like, why, I don't

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Speaker 1: know why I'm going through this? Why is my life

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Speaker 1: turned out like this? Because she was in her late

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Speaker 1: fifties early sixties, and so she was like, why is

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Speaker 1: my life turnout like this? And I said, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: but I'll be honest that I'm learning from this. This

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Speaker 1: is definitely a lesson that's been passed down to me

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Speaker 1: that I need to take care of myself. And of

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Speaker 1: course she was like, oh, what what are you talking about?

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Speaker 1: But you know, she definitely was wishing that for me, uh,

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Speaker 1: towards the end as well, like you need to take

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Speaker 1: care of yourself.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 1: She felt like it was too late for her to

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Speaker 1: take better care of herself because she was on so

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Speaker 1: many different medications for the pain. She was in pain,

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Speaker 1: like twenty four to seven, uh, and so she definitely

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Speaker 1: wanted to pass it on to me to be like,

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Speaker 1: take care of yourself like it's too late for me,

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Speaker 1: but like you take care of yourself.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you spent so many years of your

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Speaker 2: life as a caretaker as a young woman while you

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Speaker 2: were building that career at the same time. And I

342
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Speaker 2: just think that's such a common unfortunately, a very common

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Speaker 2: story for a lot of women of color. You know,

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Speaker 2: if you're the daughter, there's an expectation, unspoken or otherwise

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Speaker 2: that you will step in and care did your Was

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Speaker 2: there ever a conversation with your mom like, you know,

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Speaker 2: here's your you sort of having an opportunity to say,

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Speaker 2: here's what I'm able to do and then let's get

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Speaker 2: some extra help. Or was it always expected that you

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Speaker 2: were going to be the primary caregiver for her as

351
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Speaker 2: she was going through that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely was the primary slash favorite. So I

353
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Speaker 1: have my it was my dad, and I have an

354
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Speaker 1: older brother as well who was in the house.

355
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Speaker 3: But yeah, it was on me.

356
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Speaker 1: There were plenty of moments where I may have like,

357
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Speaker 1: you know, I can think of one moment where I

358
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Speaker 1: went to take a shower and so my mom I

359
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 1: was upstairs and my mom is downstairs, and she would

360
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Speaker 1: often call when she needed help, and I was in

361
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Speaker 1: the shower and my brother was playing video games in

362
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Speaker 1: his room.

363
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Speaker 3: And she called me.

364
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Speaker 1: And then after I got done, and I was like, oh, sorry,

365
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,840
Speaker 1: I mister call, Like is everything okay? She was like,

366
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Speaker 1: you know, like you need to like let me know

367
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Speaker 1: when you're going in the shower because like I need

368
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Speaker 1: someone to do something for me. And I go Dad,

369
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:03,680
Speaker 1: brother they're also you know, Dad is in the room

370
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Speaker 1: next door. Brother is just upstairously playing video games. They

371
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,280
Speaker 1: are also capable. But I also understand that my mom

372
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,800
Speaker 1: preferred my care that that too. I was definitely more gentle,

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Speaker 1: more careful, more thoughtful and how I took care of

374
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Speaker 1: her to kind of maintain her own dignity and autonomy

375
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Speaker 1: as much as I can, whereas like my my my

376
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Speaker 1: dad and like my brother were definitely kind of just

377
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Speaker 1: you know, men just what well, kind of just a

378
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Speaker 1: little bit harsher.

379
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Speaker 3: So, but there was definitely an expectation.

380
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Speaker 2: Has there been an acknowledgement from your father and your

381
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Speaker 2: brother like thank you, Aludara, like you really took care

382
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,399
Speaker 2: of mom all those years, like thank you, We I

383
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Speaker 2: appreciate it.

384
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Speaker 3: No, I'm just gonna be no, because I don't know

385
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Speaker 3: if they listen.

386
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Speaker 2: I don't know, do you even need that? I'm just

387
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 2: thinking right right, yeah, no, because you know, you guys,

388
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Speaker 2: you know it's been what it's been twelve ish, well, no,

389
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,719
Speaker 2: thirteen years, no, twelve, I don't know. Yeah, it's been

390
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 2: twelve and a half almost a years since my mom passed,

391
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Speaker 2: and so it's like I've been able to do a

392
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Speaker 2: lot of reflection.

393
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Speaker 1: I've done the work, but they haven't really right. And

394
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Speaker 1: I think sometimes we have to accept that like our

395
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:25,200
Speaker 1: family members or people we love or we know may

396
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Speaker 1: not be able to do that work to recognize certain things.

397
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Speaker 3: And so.

398
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Speaker 1: Will I ever you know, get told like, you know,

399
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:42,960
Speaker 1: thank you and we appreciate you. Probably not, because that's

400
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,720
Speaker 1: I'm Nigerian. Like, you know, there are certain cultural norms.

401
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,520
Speaker 1: It's like there's an expectation for the women in the

402
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:54,320
Speaker 1: family to have certain roles because like even after my

403
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 1: mom passed, her sister was like, you're the maincharch in

404
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,159
Speaker 1: the family now, and I was like, I was twenty

405
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Speaker 1: four twenty at the time, and I was like absolutely not.

406
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Speaker 3: I'm trying to live my life. Oh I love that.

407
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 2: I was just about because if I think about, you know,

408
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,320
Speaker 2: the cinema of our lives, and like in your movie,

409
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,240
Speaker 2: that's such a pivotal moment your mom's passing. It's an opportunity.

410
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, I'm sure you're you're devastated, it's your mom.

411
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:24,440
Speaker 2: It's also a new chapter where you really can control

412
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 2: your narrative in a different way. And I think I

413
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,720
Speaker 2: completely I understand with caregivers, like there's that part of

414
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 2: you that feels guilty for looking forward to this new chapter,

415
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,240
Speaker 2: but at the same time it is a brand new,

416
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Speaker 2: bright chapter. I love that you were like, absolutely, I've

417
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 2: done my time. Yeah, I've seen when you do see Okay,

418
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Speaker 2: So how was that received and how did you sort

419
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,520
Speaker 2: of shift out of that caregiver space.

420
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:57,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, it's been a long journey, because.

421
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 1: I will say I do think like caregivers like once

422
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 1: the caregiving stops, like there was a relief I'm not

423
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,080
Speaker 1: gonna lie. As soon as my mom passed, I was like, Okay,

424
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,919
Speaker 1: this is really sad, but one we knew was coming.

425
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 1: Two I can actually like I have time now, which

426
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 1: I would encourage caregivers. Don't feel bad about that when

427
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 1: that comes, because you know, you really did do a

428
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,639
Speaker 1: lot of hard work, and you do deserve to feel like, Okay,

429
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,879
Speaker 1: I can actually focus on myself now. I deserve to

430
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:35,280
Speaker 1: focus on myself now. But so how has that really,

431
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: how has that journey been?

432
00:23:37,119 --> 00:23:41,119
Speaker 2: Sorry, I lost Yeah, I wanted to know, well, I

433
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,320
Speaker 2: wanted to get a sense of like your family's response

434
00:23:44,359 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 2: to you sort of saying, and I'm tapping out, don't

435
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 2: you need to call me for future needs? Yeah?

436
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, that you know that's layered because it took me

437
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:59,119
Speaker 1: going to therapy to really realize that how I was

438
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:03,199
Speaker 1: enabling that as well because I was used to that.

439
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 2: I really don't like how therapy make you realize you're

440
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 2: the problem. Yeah, it's like a really unfortunate characteristic of

441
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,160
Speaker 2: therapy that I have found.

442
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:20,040
Speaker 1: Right me, right in, like I realized that I overfunction

443
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,479
Speaker 1: I realize, and overfunctioning is like, you know, doing everything

444
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,200
Speaker 1: for everybody, whether it's they're taking care of their emotions

445
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 1: or taking care of physical stuff. And that's just the

446
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,560
Speaker 1: natural role I was put in in my family. And

447
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: so I had to do a lot of work to

448
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:42,520
Speaker 1: undo that, undo my own contribution to that. But you know,

449
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 1: I would say maybe my family may have been a

450
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,560
Speaker 1: little bit resempful but they're not going to outright say it,

451
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: you know, just.

452
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 3: A little bit. My family is very much so like, well,

453
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,560
Speaker 3: you can do whatever.

454
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: You want, but maybe a little a little I could

455
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,560
Speaker 1: sense a little bit of resentment of like, oh, now

456
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,879
Speaker 1: you're just gonna go live your life and do whatever

457
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,800
Speaker 1: you want. But but there's definitely still some like we're

458
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,640
Speaker 1: proud of you, right, And and so maybe that's their

459
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:23,440
Speaker 1: own work of trying to realize where their own resentment or.

460
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 3: Comes from.

461
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,199
Speaker 1: And even if they can't name it as resentment, it

462
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 1: definitely has felt like it a bit whereas you know,

463
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 1: maybe not taking as much as an interest in what

464
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: I'm doing, And but I do know that the love

465
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 1: is still there. My dad is very proud of me.

466
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 1: He's very you know, very proud of me. But I

467
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 1: also like there's still that dynamic of where I am

468
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:58,400
Speaker 1: the only eldest daughter. I always I say, the only

469
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,119
Speaker 1: daughter and the eldest daughter are like the same because

470
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:08,000
Speaker 1: the matriarchal responsibilities are always put honest and so I've

471
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 1: had to do my own work of figuring out boundaries

472
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 1: to like not feed into the dynamic of like I'm

473
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,520
Speaker 1: taking care of everyone.

474
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:21,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, So to embark on this new life of like

475
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 2: this new journey of not taking care of people. You

476
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,919
Speaker 2: decide to go learn how to be a therapist, to

477
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 2: take care of people who are in crisis.

478
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's talk about it.

479
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,160
Speaker 2: You know, like taking care of one person was really hard.

480
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go.

481
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 3: Go take care of hundreds and hundreds of people. I know.

482
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 3: You know. One part is that nurturing is.

483
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,720
Speaker 1: In my is my natural capability.

484
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 3: You know.

485
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: I've done all those personality tests, like you know, the

486
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,399
Speaker 1: Myers Briggs and the Enneagram, and every single test, being

487
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,640
Speaker 1: a nurturer comes up from I thing.

488
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,680
Speaker 3: And it's also is a natural thing.

489
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: Like before I came to grad school, I was a

490
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: nanny for about a year with a lovely family that

491
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 1: I still keep in touch with.

492
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,680
Speaker 3: And I was a nanny in undergrad And.

493
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:19,119
Speaker 1: When I the the before I transitioned from journalism to

494
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 1: social work, I abruptly quit my journalism job and was like,

495
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,280
Speaker 1: what is the last thing I did that I enjoyed?

496
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,640
Speaker 1: And it was being a nanny And it was honestly

497
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,359
Speaker 1: the best experience ever. I loved it and I still

498
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:34,959
Speaker 1: love those kids in the family till this day. But

499
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 1: I yeah, I will say like, yes, I dove head

500
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,119
Speaker 1: first into more caregiving.

501
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 3: And I will be honest.

502
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 1: In the last year, I've had my own revelation about

503
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:55,040
Speaker 1: this of like why are we here? I've had my

504
00:27:55,080 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 1: own why yes, yes, why am I here? I I

505
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: to be honest. I had a private practice for the

506
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 1: last two years. I still have my private practice, but

507
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: I cut my clients down a lot because I recognized that, like, well,

508
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:20,480
Speaker 1: I loved my clients, but the work itself was too much.

509
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 1: It was too heavy. It is heavy work to hold

510
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,360
Speaker 1: space for people and you know, and really be in

511
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 1: tune and really help people walk through their healing. And

512
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 1: so I just was like, oh, this is burning me

513
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 1: out and I don't even realize it. And it was

514
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,080
Speaker 1: my own therapist who made me realize that. She was like,

515
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 1: which one of your clients.

516
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 3: Don't drain you?

517
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: You know, it doesn't mean you don't like them, but

518
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 1: how many of your clients don't drain you? And I

519
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:50,200
Speaker 1: was like, oh, well so, and I had to really

520
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: look at myself and be like, okay, so what's going

521
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 1: on here?

522
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,440
Speaker 3: And of course, like money came into that.

523
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,800
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, I was doing this because I was

524
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 1: working for I'm working for myself health, I need clients,

525
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: I need money, and you know, being an author is

526
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: it's not always the most lucrative in the sense of

527
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 1: like you know, you get your royalty checks a couple

528
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 1: of times a year, and depending on how book sales do,

529
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:17,000
Speaker 1: like it could be whoo oh, this is great money,

530
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 1: and it could be like, oh, okay, just another monthly salary,

531
00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: like it's fine.

532
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, so.

533
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: But yes, I do think that, like it's my natural

534
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,080
Speaker 1: being to want to take care of people. But I've

535
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: also in the last year realized how can.

536
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 3: What does what does this look like?

537
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 2: For me?

538
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 3: Without burning myself out anymore?

539
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, I saw you post about that, actually, and I

540
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 2: didn't think we get there and like at this early

541
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:50,200
Speaker 2: in the conversation, but yeah, I just think that's really

542
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 2: real and I and I love that you're open and

543
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 2: honest about it. And I think it's that like that

544
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:02,000
Speaker 2: continual journey to take the superpower that you have your

545
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,920
Speaker 2: like you said, your natural skill set of nurturing. And

546
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 2: I do think that deserves so much respect and I

547
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,400
Speaker 2: do not want to diminish it at all. I think

548
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 2: as black women, like I do think there's this idea

549
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 2: like we've kind of gone a little far toward like

550
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,480
Speaker 2: any time we're caregiving, like we shouldn't be doing that.

551
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 2: People expect us to nurture and to be the mother

552
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 2: figure and the carer, and like that's not okay. We

553
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 2: should you know, we're valuable, and it's true we're valuable

554
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 2: in other regards as well. But if that comes really

555
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 2: naturally to you and you're very good at it, and

556
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:35,400
Speaker 2: like that should also be celebrated. And I think that

557
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 2: a lot of us are trying to figure out how

558
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 2: do we take our natural skills, our natural superpowers and

559
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,480
Speaker 2: convey that into like a career that can support us.

560
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:49,200
Speaker 2: And that journey of trying to marry those two things,

561
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:54,479
Speaker 2: our skills, our passions and our livelihood it can be fraught.

562
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 2: And when the business aspect comes in and you're trying

563
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,280
Speaker 2: to do your taxes and you're trying to bring in

564
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 2: enough clients to keep yourself afloat and what that actually

565
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 2: looks like, and it can quickly like yeah, it can

566
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,120
Speaker 2: become this thing that you love about yourself and that

567
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:16,520
Speaker 2: you are really good at. You kind of lose sight of, wait,

568
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,120
Speaker 2: where's the actual enjoyment of this and where's it actually

569
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:24,200
Speaker 2: fulfilling to me. And I just I think, and there's

570
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 2: so many pivots, and there's so many times you have

571
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:31,960
Speaker 2: to reset, reboot and make a shift. And I get

572
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 2: the sense that you're someone who doesn't like have a

573
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,560
Speaker 2: ton of angst about it. You're open, like you kind

574
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 2: of are open to that flow. And I love that.

575
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,640
Speaker 3: Yes, I definitely am.

576
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,520
Speaker 1: And I think I think there are many things that

577
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,720
Speaker 1: like drive that it's like just who I naturally am.

578
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 1: I think I'm like, yes, Okay, this doesn't serve me anymore,

579
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 1: let me go this way. But I think also about

580
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 1: my parents and their journey and like my mom's life

581
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,640
Speaker 1: journey of you know, she never really found her footing

582
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: in a career and then by the end of her

583
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: life she finally found her footing and was like I

584
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: she literally said, I finally found the career I want to.

585
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 3: Do, but I'm about to die.

586
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 1: And so I kind of always keep that in the

587
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 1: back of my head where I'm like.

588
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,680
Speaker 3: Okay, what am I enjoying?

589
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: This?

590
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 3: Is this what I want to do?

591
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 1: And I'm also conscious of like I don't want to

592
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 1: drain myself just because I don't, because stress really does.

593
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:35,320
Speaker 1: Is the silent killer, and I'm and we can't avoid stress, right,

594
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: but we can reduce it. And so I'm constantly like okay,

595
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:40,520
Speaker 1: am I tapping.

596
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 3: Into what I really want to be doing.

597
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: And so now I'm on a journey of what does

598
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: being a full time clinician look like for me? And

599
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 1: maybe also a full time creative What does that look

600
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 1: like as well? What parts of me have I been

601
00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,480
Speaker 1: suppressing for whatever reason?

602
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 2: So, yeah, interesting, you mentioned that you're doing less one

603
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 2: on one work and you're doing something utilization management. What's that?

604
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 3: Yeah?

605
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 1: So utilization management? So it is an insurance companies. It's

606
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: in all medical facilities. It's essentially how the insurance company

607
00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 1: and the providers talk to each other. And so what

608
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: I do is I work in the behavioral department for

609
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 1: an insurance company. And so when someone goes in for inpatient,

610
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: partial hospitalization, residential treatment, outpatient, intensive, outpatient, essentially the facility

611
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 1: will call the insurance company and they'll provide certain clinicals

612
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:42,959
Speaker 1: and clinical information. And there's a whole it's a whole thing.

613
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 1: There's a whole system, there's a whole evaluation system that

614
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 1: I have to go through and assess a person's needs.

615
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 1: And risk and their symptoms and all these things, and

616
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 1: then I essentially approve the authorization. So it's how you

617
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:02,880
Speaker 1: get your coverage for a lot of things. And so yeah,

618
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 1: so I enjoy because it's like not one one on

619
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 1: one and I can still use my clinical skills and

620
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,880
Speaker 1: I get to be behind a desk and work from home,

621
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,319
Speaker 1: and so I like it.

622
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, that's interesting, and it probably provides like a

623
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 2: steady or stream of energy.

624
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,319
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, that's essentially what it is.

625
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,800
Speaker 1: It was like I needed a job that was steady

626
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:31,359
Speaker 1: and also just free up my mind because I think

627
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 1: as an when I was a full time entrepreneur, it's

628
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: just like my brain was overworking everything, like okay, how

629
00:34:37,719 --> 00:34:38,560
Speaker 1: does my schedule look?

630
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 3: Well, okay, how can I make more income? Or how

631
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 3: do I promote this? How do I do this?

632
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 1: And when I don't have to worry about where my

633
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,399
Speaker 1: money is coming from, I'm just like okay, I can

634
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,439
Speaker 1: like actually write more like I don't.

635
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 3: I have more energy to write, I have more energy

636
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:55,240
Speaker 3: to paint, I have more energy.

637
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,520
Speaker 1: To go dancing like I like, you know, when I

638
00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:00,279
Speaker 1: was working full time for myself, I was you know,

639
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 1: rarely outside other than maybe taking a workout class because

640
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 1: I was just drained mentally, and so now I'm not

641
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,239
Speaker 1: as drained mentally, but I am back in the workforce

642
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,120
Speaker 1: and I'm having to adjust to dealing with people again.

643
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:19,919
Speaker 1: Been an adjustment, but I still like what I'm doing.

644
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 2: She got a ball.

645
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, exactly, yes, productivity. When people start talking about

646
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:29,600
Speaker 1: product I'm like.

647
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:30,280
Speaker 3: Who cares?

648
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:36,640
Speaker 2: But fine, oh man, yeah, I mean that's such a

649
00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 2: real conversation. I told you, I'm getting over COVID, which

650
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 2: is very annoying and very like out of style. This

651
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:50,239
Speaker 2: just feels like wearing bell bottoms or something. But I

652
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 2: am And I was really sick over the weekend and

653
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 2: I was watching the Netflix show Alone. I don't know

654
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,359
Speaker 2: if it's the Netflix show, but it's on Netflix now.

655
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 2: It's Alone, and they drop ten survivalists, like expert people

656
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 2: who are like outdoors people and they know how to

657
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 2: skin animals and survive in the wilderness. Drop them into

658
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,040
Speaker 2: the Arctic Circle and it's like last one standing wins

659
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 2: a half a million dollars. And these people are out

660
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:20,439
Speaker 2: there for months. And I realized about halfway through it's

661
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:24,200
Speaker 2: pretty sad how much I'm identifying with their journey. As

662
00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 2: an entrepreneur myself, like as a creator, Like I'm really

663
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,759
Speaker 2: identifying with the stress of their day and how you

664
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 2: really only survive if you kill something today, if that fish,

665
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,400
Speaker 2: And these people will catch a fish and you'll be

666
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,680
Speaker 2: so happy for them because they're emaciated, and you're like, yes, William,

667
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,719
Speaker 2: get that fish, get that pike. It's a forty two injury. Yes,

668
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 2: And he's holding it up to the camera and it

669
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:50,320
Speaker 2: flips out of his hands and runs back into the

670
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,120
Speaker 2: river and he's lost his meal for the day, and

671
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,839
Speaker 2: you're in agony, and I'm like, you know, and then

672
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:57,359
Speaker 2: it's like, well, I gotta survive with what I got.

673
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,719
Speaker 2: I got to go make a fire. I don't have

674
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:00,759
Speaker 2: time to think about that. I got to about And

675
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 2: then at night it's like the wolves are howling and

676
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:05,480
Speaker 2: there's grizzlies in the you know, it's all these like

677
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:09,279
Speaker 2: it's really real life anxiety. It's like, what anxiety? I

678
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:11,600
Speaker 2: have a lot of anxiety, and like it's it's sort

679
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 2: of like identifying with that feeling of constantly being chased

680
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:19,759
Speaker 2: or not having and it absolutely can get exhausting. And yeah,

681
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,319
Speaker 2: I realized as I was watching that, I'm like well,

682
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 2: this is telling you know.

683
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:30,320
Speaker 1: Something anxiety of trying to keep your business afloat.

684
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,360
Speaker 2: Yes it may not be grizzlies and you know, a

685
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:40,399
Speaker 2: fish with a tapeworm in it, but it's a great show,

686
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 2: very compelling. But like, yeah, I mean, I'm trying to

687
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,200
Speaker 2: survive in the day to day and you know, work

688
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 2: for yourself. I'm also right now, I'm a single mom

689
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:54,239
Speaker 2: just because my partner is away, and like I have

690
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,040
Speaker 2: two little kids and just trying to get in that

691
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 2: you know, day to day. It's it's really tough. However,

692
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 2: I do think that books like yours and this beautiful

693
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 2: deck that you have created, you know, based on that book.

694
00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:12,280
Speaker 2: I have leaned on tools like this in those moments

695
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 2: when I am like, I'm very in tune now with

696
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 2: my feelings and naming my emotions and I know how

697
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 2: to treat them and they don't scare me as much anymore.

698
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 2: It's not like, oh my god, I'm stressed. I've just

699
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,160
Speaker 2: stop being stressed. Why are you stress? Why are you

700
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,439
Speaker 2: so I anxious? Stop it? You're so weak. It's more

701
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,360
Speaker 2: I'm feeling anxious in this moment. What is a tool

702
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 2: I can lean on? That's why I like a nice

703
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:35,560
Speaker 2: physical tool like this deck of cards. Why was it

704
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,880
Speaker 2: important for you to take the book, which is a

705
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 2: lovely book already that has tons of strategies for self care,

706
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 2: but then yeah, to create this lovely deck version where

707
00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 2: we can kind of reach in and pull out a

708
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 2: little action we can take to lean into one of

709
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 2: those parts of ourselves.

710
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:55,680
Speaker 1: Well, you know, I want to acknowledge something you said

711
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,560
Speaker 1: that you've been able to shift from like self blaming.

712
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 1: You've been able to shift from like being hard on

713
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:03,920
Speaker 1: yourself to being more compassionate on yourself most.

714
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 2: Of the time. Yeah, I'm not perfectly. I do talk

715
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 2: about her, Okay, yeah, yes, sometimes I'm.

716
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,120
Speaker 3: Trying relatable, relatable absolutely.

717
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 2: Hey, ba fam, We're going to take a quick break,

718
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,799
Speaker 2: pay some bills, and we'll be right back. All right,

719
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:21,880
Speaker 2: ba fam, We're back.

720
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:25,760
Speaker 3: The card deck is basically a mini version of the book.

721
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: The book had one hundred and fifty you know, exercises

722
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 1: and activity suggestions. They are a little bit more in depth,

723
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:37,600
Speaker 1: and this one is just like seventy five and uh,

724
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 1: it's so like, you know, for the moments where you're like,

725
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 1: I don't even know what I want to do, how

726
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: I want to take care of myself. Let me pull

727
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:46,759
Speaker 1: from the card deck a suggestion, and each card is

728
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:49,680
Speaker 1: like action, so it's it's encouraged you to do something

729
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:54,719
Speaker 1: in the now and and so that's essentially why.

730
00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:55,440
Speaker 3: We created it.

731
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:59,480
Speaker 1: Or you know, because I really I'm really, I'm really

732
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: like actionary. I'm very solution focused in my therapeutic practices

733
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: with clients, I'm very solution focused.

734
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,720
Speaker 3: And I really believe that like when we.

735
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:15,520
Speaker 1: Start doing things like intentional, they like become instinctual. So

736
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,720
Speaker 1: it's kind of like, Okay, let me be intentional about

737
00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,520
Speaker 1: my self care so that eventually this will feel natural

738
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 1: to me, right, because I think when you aren't used

739
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:27,000
Speaker 1: to taking care of yourself, or you're not used to

740
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:29,279
Speaker 1: putting yourself first, and you're used to putting everyone else

741
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,799
Speaker 1: else's needs above yours, it feels uncomfortable to take care

742
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 1: of yourself. You know, you want to be mean to yourself.

743
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,799
Speaker 1: You want to think like being mean to yourself and

744
00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,439
Speaker 1: not caring for yourself is like.

745
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:42,319
Speaker 3: How you'll get to where you want to be.

746
00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:46,840
Speaker 1: But I like the compassion approach also because in my

747
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,240
Speaker 1: work in focusing on black women, a lot of our trauma,

748
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:52,759
Speaker 1: a lot of how we feel about ourselves is being

749
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 1: dehumanized by society. So like, I like my practices to

750
00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:03,359
Speaker 1: encourage black women and just to like humanize themselves, really

751
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 1: looking themselves and have compassion for themselves and you know,

752
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 1: recognize that they deserve to practice self care.

753
00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,640
Speaker 2: I think it's interesting too. I wonder if you had

754
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 2: this experience as the author of this book, as a

755
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 2: as a therapist yourself doing this work, do you feel

756
00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:23,120
Speaker 2: like people come to you expecting you to be perfectly

757
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,799
Speaker 2: like all the time, okay, like you haven't figured out

758
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,839
Speaker 2: you are always like you were always happy, you were

759
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 2: always frightening your jewel, you were always centered and grounded

760
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,440
Speaker 2: and da da da da da, And does yeah, does

761
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 2: that happen to you? Do you feel that?

762
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 3: Like absolutely?

763
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 1: You know, I'm in circles with people who aren't in

764
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:45,480
Speaker 1: mental health and wellness, and you know, it does get

765
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: brought up that I'm a therapist, and if I say

766
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 1: something that seems a little bit left field, it's like what,

767
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:52,560
Speaker 1: but you're a therapist, And I'm like, yeah, and I'm

768
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:56,720
Speaker 1: also a human, so and I'm allowed to have different

769
00:41:56,760 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 1: thoughts and you know, and you know, I'm allowed to

770
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 1: not have quote unquote grounding moments. Right, I'm allowed to

771
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 1: have my moments that seem off the cuff, but also

772
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: like we're allowed to have our emotions and just let

773
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:10,440
Speaker 1: them be. We don't have to judge them, you know,

774
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 1: and we're allowed to just.

775
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:14,160
Speaker 2: Be.

776
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,879
Speaker 1: In a lot of my relationships in the last year,

777
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:21,320
Speaker 1: I was showing up definitely as a therapist friend without

778
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 1: even noticing it, and I recognize the expectation was definitely

779
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:27,480
Speaker 1: for me to be the more wiser friend, to be

780
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:30,520
Speaker 1: the more wiser person who's got all the knowledge.

781
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,800
Speaker 3: And I had.

782
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,480
Speaker 1: To distance myself with some of those relationships because I

783
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 1: don't even think that. I don't even think that some

784
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:42,520
Speaker 1: people have realized they're putting that on me, you know.

785
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:44,319
Speaker 1: So when I go out i meet new people, I

786
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,319
Speaker 1: don't lead with that I'm a therapist. I'm definitely like, yeah,

787
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,440
Speaker 1: I'm a writer, because I've noticed in the past when I'm.

788
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,840
Speaker 3: Like, yeah, i'm a social worker, I'm a therapist.

789
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you know, everyone just wants to tell

790
00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: me their family trauma.

791
00:42:57,640 --> 00:43:02,759
Speaker 2: So yeah, I think that's really Uh, I really identify

792
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 2: with what you're saying. I was, I'm I live in

793
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 2: a community and like I mentioned I'm single, momming lately

794
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 2: for the next few months and really relying on these

795
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,600
Speaker 2: like relationships with neighbors that I have built and you know,

796
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:19,200
Speaker 2: and I find myself specifically going and seeking support from

797
00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:21,320
Speaker 2: just a couple of neighbors and I have other ones

798
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 2: that I know are available, and I was thinking, like

799
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,840
Speaker 2: what is it about these And I'm wanting to like

800
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 2: invest in relationships like friendships as well. And I'm thinking, like,

801
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:32,719
Speaker 2: what is it about these other women that you know

802
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,240
Speaker 2: making me like not turn to them? And I realize

803
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 2: it's because when they talk to me, they're usually seeking

804
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:44,760
Speaker 2: the brown Ambition Mandy, or they're wanting like career coach Mandy.

805
00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 2: They think that they think there's something like sparkly and

806
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,440
Speaker 2: special about me and they want that. And like whereas

807
00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:53,440
Speaker 2: the other women, the two that I kind of go to,

808
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:58,040
Speaker 2: they really can handle just Mandy, like just that girl

809
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,000
Speaker 2: with you know, a screaming to year old on her

810
00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:04,040
Speaker 2: head and a six year old whose like brain is

811
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:07,759
Speaker 2: being like destroyed by YouTube and trying to figure out

812
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:09,759
Speaker 2: how she's going to get to the grocery store for

813
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,560
Speaker 2: that thing that she forgot, like and like, yes, and

814
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,520
Speaker 2: I love that you said, you know, like moving yourself

815
00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 2: away from those relationships and just yeah, like being active

816
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:23,680
Speaker 2: about choosing the ones where you are okay, just as

817
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 2: you are, not the expectation to be.

818
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:27,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, a higher level.

819
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:30,360
Speaker 2: You know, there's a lot of peace in that. Yes,

820
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 2: I mean obviously with brown ambition listeners, where this audience

821
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:40,280
Speaker 2: is full of high achieving women and who want to

822
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:43,080
Speaker 2: earn more, who want to who are often working nine

823
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 2: to five, thinking about starting their own business, and always

824
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 2: here to like encourage that kind of journey with the

825
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:52,959
Speaker 2: acknowledgement that there's going to be many bumps along that road.

826
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,360
Speaker 2: And if you were sort of going to tell someone today,

827
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,240
Speaker 2: you know, whether it's the Deck of Cards or the book,

828
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 2: here's a couple of self care practices. If you're having

829
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 2: a really tough day today that you could do to

830
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 2: kind of get yourself right, what would you say to

831
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,560
Speaker 2: turn to one or two practices?

832
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 3: I would say.

833
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 1: One, think about how you can set boundaries where you

834
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:26,319
Speaker 1: need to set boundaries because oftentimes I think if you're

835
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:32,439
Speaker 1: higher achieving woman, everybody's coming to you, everybody's china suck

836
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 1: resources out of you, and you need to figure out

837
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: where can I set boundaries today? Is it with the coworker?

838
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:44,400
Speaker 1: Is it with how much time I spent on a

839
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:50,960
Speaker 1: certain project or idea and really really think about it

840
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,279
Speaker 1: and set those boundaries.

841
00:45:53,239 --> 00:45:55,399
Speaker 3: And practice saying no.

842
00:45:56,160 --> 00:46:00,160
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we're not comfortable saying no, and know

843
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: is a complete sentence. So if there's something that you

844
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:07,759
Speaker 1: don't want to do today, say no and that's it.

845
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,520
Speaker 1: And if you're not comfortable saying no, just say maybe.

846
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:14,560
Speaker 1: But I actually encourage no. I encourage trying to say no.

847
00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 1: Take a walk, a five minute walk. I love walks,

848
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:21,759
Speaker 1: And if five minutes is all you got, then that's

849
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:22,400
Speaker 1: all you got.

850
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,440
Speaker 3: But if you can take a brief.

851
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: Ten fifteen minute walk, that's even better, just to get

852
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:32,480
Speaker 1: away from what may be causing you some stress and

853
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:34,560
Speaker 1: have some time for yourself.

854
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,359
Speaker 3: So yeah, I would say start there.

855
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:41,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's also the stress of things that are especially

856
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,799
Speaker 2: like the day to day grind, Like there are some

857
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:46,960
Speaker 2: things that are causing you stress that have to be

858
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:50,000
Speaker 2: dealt with that can't be walked away or take a

859
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,880
Speaker 2: bubble bath or you know. I struggle with that. Sometimes

860
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:56,360
Speaker 2: I'll try to go do something relaxing, but I can't

861
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:59,359
Speaker 2: because I know that there's like this deadline or this

862
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:01,799
Speaker 2: bill that I should get on top of, And I like,

863
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:04,279
Speaker 2: is there something to be said for just doing the

864
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 2: things and like attacking them so that you can get

865
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 2: past them. I it's really hard to like get to

866
00:47:13,040 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 2: a state where you can relax and like feel cared

867
00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 2: for with those things hanging over your head.

868
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, definitely attacking the anxiety like head first, Like

869
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:25,960
Speaker 1: I think sometimes that is the best.

870
00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:27,279
Speaker 3: That's the best.

871
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:30,120
Speaker 1: Because it's like you just sometimes you'll even realize through

872
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:32,280
Speaker 1: the journey of dealing with what's causing you anxiety.

873
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:35,239
Speaker 3: One, Oh, this didn't take that long. I built it

874
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 3: up in my head. Often that is what happens.

875
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,800
Speaker 1: You've built it up in your head, and then you

876
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 1: actually do the thing and you're like, oh, okay, this

877
00:47:42,239 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 1: actually wasn't that bad, and so I actually encourage it,

878
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:51,000
Speaker 1: you know, taking it little by little if you need

879
00:47:51,080 --> 00:47:53,440
Speaker 1: to have a reward for your system, for yourself, like Okay,

880
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:56,040
Speaker 1: I'll do five minutes focusing on this bill and then

881
00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:58,200
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go treat myself too. I don't know, whatever,

882
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,520
Speaker 1: whatever makes you feel like you're gonna treat your too.

883
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:05,080
Speaker 1: But you can attack the anxiety little by little or

884
00:48:05,239 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: just go dive head first, and then you'll realize that like, oh,

885
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 1: I can do this, that's what That's often how I feel.

886
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:17,280
Speaker 1: And I've noticed that, like, yeah, if I'm anxious about

887
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,239
Speaker 1: I don't know all the male I have piled up

888
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:20,759
Speaker 1: that I haven't opened, and then I open it and

889
00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, this is all junk.

890
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:27,279
Speaker 3: Why did I it's always it's all drunk. Why did

891
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:30,359
Speaker 3: I hold it off? Just open and tread like.

892
00:48:31,760 --> 00:48:33,960
Speaker 2: They make it feel like it's not junk, and they

893
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,840
Speaker 2: know how to like package it, so you get stressed

894
00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 2: about it and it's like, mother, this is just a

895
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:42,440
Speaker 2: balance transfer offer, yes, or you know, a predatory low. Yes.

896
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:42,960
Speaker 3: Literally.

897
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 2: I think that when we are sometimes starved for self care,

898
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:53,000
Speaker 2: we tend to look outward to other people to manage

899
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:56,000
Speaker 2: it for us, like for people who have partners or

900
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:58,759
Speaker 2: like who live with other people. You can sort of

901
00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:01,359
Speaker 2: start to resent people around you for not helping you

902
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,319
Speaker 2: feel better, like why is it important for us to

903
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 2: take care of ourselves? And how do we like balance

904
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:10,040
Speaker 2: that with like also wanting to be cared for by others.

905
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you've definitely you know, you've got to be

906
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:17,560
Speaker 1: like real with yourself about am I being vocal about

907
00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 1: how I want to be cared for? Because we do

908
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:21,960
Speaker 1: have to tell people how we want to be cared

909
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:26,319
Speaker 1: for or you know, people aren't mind readers, and I

910
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:29,240
Speaker 1: think that's also part of like activating your inner voice.

911
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important to be vocal and

912
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:37,440
Speaker 1: tell people, you know, this is my boundary for today,

913
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:39,759
Speaker 1: or this is what I would love, this.

914
00:49:39,719 --> 00:49:40,280
Speaker 3: Is my need.

915
00:49:40,760 --> 00:49:42,960
Speaker 1: And if you have someone who loves you, they're you're

916
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,160
Speaker 1: usually going to try to help you meet your need,

917
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,560
Speaker 1: or they'll be honest and say no, I can't meet

918
00:49:47,560 --> 00:49:49,440
Speaker 1: this need, and you have to be okay with that.

919
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:56,000
Speaker 1: But I find that often if someone who cares about

920
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:59,360
Speaker 1: you and you're like, hey, I just need you to

921
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:03,239
Speaker 1: listen to me because I need to vent. Okay, Hey

922
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:04,640
Speaker 1: I need solutions for this.

923
00:50:04,719 --> 00:50:05,360
Speaker 3: Can you help me?

924
00:50:05,719 --> 00:50:09,399
Speaker 1: Okay, Like you'd be surprised at how if you give

925
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 1: people the opportunity to show up for you, they actually will,

926
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:17,319
Speaker 1: and you have the capacity to use your voice and

927
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:20,719
Speaker 1: lean into the people who want to show up for you.

928
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not going to find out the people who

929
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:27,640
Speaker 2: you can rely on when you need to be leaning

930
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 2: on someone unless you start like testing for weaknesses, like

931
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:33,000
Speaker 2: if you start just like I'm gonna test, Like I'm

932
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,680
Speaker 2: going to send ten people a text like a little

933
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,120
Speaker 2: about I'm struggling. I could use some support and see

934
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 2: whoever responds within forty eight hours. And maybe the ones

935
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:46,120
Speaker 2: who don't, you know, just release yourself from the expectation

936
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:48,319
Speaker 2: that they're going to be there for you, right mur

937
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:51,359
Speaker 2: sure the ones who who do respond without judging because

938
00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:53,279
Speaker 2: like maybe have some shake. Yeah, I have to show

939
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,400
Speaker 2: up for you like that, But do I do that

940
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:56,280
Speaker 2: every once in a while.

941
00:50:56,200 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: Me, Like you can learn, you learn. You think it

942
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:03,719
Speaker 1: can be data right, It's not. Everything is necessarily a

943
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:06,799
Speaker 1: personal attack, like it can be data right, Like it's

944
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:10,719
Speaker 1: like I think so recently, I'll use as an example. Recently,

945
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:13,920
Speaker 1: there was a roach in my my apartment. Okay, and

946
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:17,200
Speaker 1: I actually have a pest phobia. Like I've been to therapy.

947
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 1: I had EMDR, which is a movement desensitization uh therapy.

948
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:26,719
Speaker 3: And so.

949
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:32,400
Speaker 1: And and I also had lived in a place like

950
00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:35,719
Speaker 1: six years ago that was infested. First time ever experiencing that.

951
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:40,040
Speaker 1: But I've always had a I've always hated pests. But anyway,

952
00:51:40,080 --> 00:51:42,879
Speaker 1: I've worked through that in therapy I'm definitely better now.

953
00:51:42,920 --> 00:51:45,560
Speaker 1: But I had a situation recently where I was like

954
00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: nine one one to all my friends, and you know,

955
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:53,600
Speaker 1: I got different responses. And the ones who like have

956
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:56,759
Speaker 1: known me the longest, like they they know how real

957
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,160
Speaker 1: it is, and so like they were the ones who

958
00:51:59,239 --> 00:52:01,920
Speaker 1: really checked in on me EVERYBD, like how are you today?

959
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:04,439
Speaker 1: Like what is the plan? I've talked to your.

960
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:07,360
Speaker 3: Land or like you know, so it's data.

961
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:09,359
Speaker 1: And like the friends who I reach out to who

962
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:12,760
Speaker 1: maybe didn't do that follow up, I don't have harbor

963
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:17,080
Speaker 1: any ill will or any ill feelings towards them. It

964
00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:19,200
Speaker 1: was just data for me to know, like, Okay, who

965
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:22,759
Speaker 1: can show up for me in this moment of distress?

966
00:52:23,160 --> 00:52:25,120
Speaker 3: And I got my answers.

967
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,120
Speaker 2: Some people is like a grizzly bear and yours just

968
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:28,760
Speaker 2: like a roach.

969
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:30,800
Speaker 3: How did you?

970
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:32,680
Speaker 2: How did you get through all those years in New

971
00:52:32,719 --> 00:52:37,560
Speaker 2: York without having like bed bugs, roaches, mice? You got

972
00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:39,640
Speaker 2: the big three? I had the big three, girl, I

973
00:52:39,680 --> 00:52:43,160
Speaker 2: got the big three. Bed bugs, roaches, mice, had them all.

974
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:45,880
Speaker 2: Then I moved to the suburbs. You know what they

975
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:50,319
Speaker 2: got out here? Field mice a slightly cuter version. And

976
00:52:50,440 --> 00:52:52,400
Speaker 2: anytime someone does work on their house. You get a

977
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:55,680
Speaker 2: field mice feel that tries to move in all cute

978
00:52:55,719 --> 00:53:00,400
Speaker 2: and suaki yes, nighble one holes in your bag of right. Okay,

979
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:04,960
Speaker 2: oh my goodness, your social media is hilarious. You know.

980
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:09,000
Speaker 2: I I went on your page and I've been it's

981
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 2: been a I don't know, it's been a okay. I mean,

982
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:12,919
Speaker 2: I've been sick and I've had the kids, so I'm

983
00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 2: just like getting through each day the best I can.

984
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 2: I realized I hadn't had like a good belly laugh

985
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:21,960
Speaker 2: in a few days until I watched your bad bunny

986
00:53:22,880 --> 00:53:31,000
Speaker 2: super Bowl videos when you are pere and and uh,

987
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:34,080
Speaker 2: just thanks for thanks for posting that. I think that

988
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,520
Speaker 2: it just gave me a really good chuckle after a

989
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:39,719
Speaker 2: few days of not having had one, and it was

990
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:41,440
Speaker 2: very soothing. So I thank you for that.

991
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:43,320
Speaker 3: So thank you for watching.

992
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 2: I couldn't look away, Darling. Why is it important for

993
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:52,280
Speaker 2: you to show that playful side on your social media

994
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:52,840
Speaker 2: as well?

995
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:55,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I really believe in being a care

996
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:58,359
Speaker 1: free black girl or tapping into that.

997
00:53:58,440 --> 00:53:59,319
Speaker 3: I think I think it's in.

998
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 1: All of us, the care freeness, and I think it's

999
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:07,480
Speaker 1: so important because I think sometimes when you're high chieating woman,

1000
00:54:07,719 --> 00:54:10,439
Speaker 1: like you know, people want to be serious all the time,

1001
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:12,640
Speaker 1: and I think it's so important to be silly and

1002
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:18,320
Speaker 1: just feel good and not take life too seriously as well.

1003
00:54:18,360 --> 00:54:20,600
Speaker 3: And so I really love that. And I also just

1004
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:23,360
Speaker 3: love sharing things that bring me joy and.

1005
00:54:23,280 --> 00:54:27,920
Speaker 1: That buddy and you know Regaton and you know, Spanish

1006
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:29,120
Speaker 1: language music brings me.

1007
00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:30,720
Speaker 3: It brings me joy.

1008
00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:36,799
Speaker 1: So I love to share it. And that has been

1009
00:54:36,840 --> 00:54:40,400
Speaker 1: a journey in itself that's been very like interesting because

1010
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:42,880
Speaker 1: I didn't get on the internet with the goal to

1011
00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:46,799
Speaker 1: be like bad Buddies number one non Latino fan, like

1012
00:54:48,239 --> 00:54:55,040
Speaker 1: I just was like I I got on TikTok and

1013
00:54:55,080 --> 00:54:59,960
Speaker 1: I was just sharing genuinely my life around learning Spanish

1014
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:03,400
Speaker 1: and also like listening to his music, and it just

1015
00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:07,439
Speaker 1: spiraled and you know, and that's just how it's been,

1016
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:11,640
Speaker 1: and I mean, I love it. I love sharing about it.

1017
00:55:11,719 --> 00:55:13,800
Speaker 1: And today's actually his birthday. When we're recording this, I

1018
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:14,840
Speaker 1: think today's birthday.

1019
00:55:16,239 --> 00:55:21,000
Speaker 2: Okay, you wins. I don't know. I don't know nothing

1020
00:55:21,040 --> 00:55:23,440
Speaker 2: like that. I don't know him like that.

1021
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:24,200
Speaker 3: That's so funny.

1022
00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:25,799
Speaker 2: Okay, so this is like a thing, all right, So

1023
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:27,480
Speaker 2: we got to follow you on TikTok. What are all

1024
00:55:27,520 --> 00:55:29,080
Speaker 2: your socials so piple can come find you.

1025
00:55:29,280 --> 00:55:32,120
Speaker 1: Yes, my socials is my first name, last name, so

1026
00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:35,759
Speaker 1: Olu Darado, so O l U d A r A

1027
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,520
Speaker 1: A d e e y Oh.

1028
00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:42,239
Speaker 2: Nigerian names like Latin like Spanish names, they just are

1029
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:44,440
Speaker 2: spelled like they sound. Yes, I think there's a lot

1030
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:48,360
Speaker 2: of overlap with with Nigerian culture and Latin culture.

1031
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:50,000
Speaker 3: Uh.

1032
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:53,160
Speaker 2: I'm obviously I'm not like of Nigerian like. I don't

1033
00:55:53,160 --> 00:55:55,560
Speaker 2: have family that I can trace back to Nigeria like

1034
00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:59,200
Speaker 2: that I know, but I did recently. I finally checked

1035
00:55:59,200 --> 00:56:01,319
Speaker 2: my twenty three and me and I do know I'm

1036
00:56:01,360 --> 00:56:04,799
Speaker 2: thirty percent Nigeria. I'm like, is this why I love

1037
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:07,400
Speaker 2: Latin culture so much? Him in command and I have

1038
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:16,000
Speaker 2: Latin baby. Yes, that side of me coming out well.

1039
00:56:16,040 --> 00:56:18,800
Speaker 2: Alu Dara, thank you so much for joining Brown Ambition,

1040
00:56:19,360 --> 00:56:23,080
Speaker 2: Ba fam. Go pick up the deck and you can

1041
00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,040
Speaker 2: get the book as well. Yeah, but I just love

1042
00:56:25,080 --> 00:56:26,880
Speaker 2: this deck. I'm gonna put. I have this sitting on

1043
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:30,280
Speaker 2: my bookshelf in the living room, and I have another

1044
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,239
Speaker 2: little deck of cards for my six year old. He

1045
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:35,560
Speaker 2: has big feelings and when he has big angry feelings

1046
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:39,640
Speaker 2: and he gets rageful and I start fearing I might

1047
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:43,239
Speaker 2: become a dateline story. We go to his little deck

1048
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:45,800
Speaker 2: of anger management cards, and so now he knows Mommy

1049
00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:47,640
Speaker 2: has a little deck that I can lean on as well.

1050
00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:51,440
Speaker 2: So thanks for doing the work and for sharing and

1051
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:53,719
Speaker 2: the way that suits you and like carving out the

1052
00:56:53,760 --> 00:56:57,040
Speaker 2: career that suits you, you know, and that makes you happy.

1053
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:58,600
Speaker 2: And thanks for sharing all that with us.

1054
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me all.

1055
00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:02,960
Speaker 2: Right, ba Fam, go check her out and I will

1056
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:11,319
Speaker 2: see y'all next week. Take care, And before I go,

1057
00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:13,440
Speaker 2: BA Fam, I want to shout out the team that

1058
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:16,880
Speaker 2: helps make Brown Ambition possible. Huge thanks to my fam

1059
00:57:16,920 --> 00:57:21,120
Speaker 2: at iHeartRadio, Katrina Norvel and Jenna Cagel, my worker bees

1060
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:25,360
Speaker 2: behind the scenes, booking assistant Brittany Laier and virtual assistant

1061
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:29,120
Speaker 2: Cameron McNair who keeps organized, and of course my editor

1062
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,160
Speaker 2: Courtney Dean. Thank y'all so much for supporting the show.

1063
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:34,960
Speaker 2: If you love Brown Ambition, share it with a friend,

1064
00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:37,520
Speaker 2: tag us on social and don't forget to leave a

1065
00:57:37,600 --> 00:57:40,840
Speaker 2: comment or review. Until next time. By BA Fam,