WEBVTT - Stop Trying to “Win” An Argument With Your Partner! (THIS Shift Will Turn Conflict into Communication) 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.760 Hey, everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose. Today we're talking 0:00:03.800 --> 0:00:09.399 about messy love, difficult conversations for deeper connection. We're living 0:00:09.440 --> 0:00:13.000 in a time where people are more connected than ever before, 0:00:13.520 --> 0:00:17.800 yet so many of us feel deeply disconnected in our relationships. 0:00:18.320 --> 0:00:23.000 We have access to endless information, constant communication, and more 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:26.960 tools than ever to improve our lives. We set goals 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:31.560 for our careers, our health, our routines, and our personal growth, 0:00:32.080 --> 0:00:35.240 but rarely do we pause to reflect on how we love, 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:38.479 how we listen, and how we show up for the 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:42.120 people closest to us. Many of us were never taught 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:45.879 what healthy love actually looks like. We weren't taught how 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:50.600 to communicate when emotions run high, how to repair after conflict, 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:56.120 or how to feel safe being honest without fear of loss. Instead, 0:00:56.400 --> 0:01:00.600 we carry patterns from our past into our presenting. Things 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.679 will somehow work themselves out, and when relationships feel messy, confusing, 0:01:05.920 --> 0:01:10.120 or painful, we often blame ourselves or the other person, 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:15.440 without realizing that most of what we're experiencing is learned behavior, 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:20.759 not personal failure. Today, I want to share five powerful 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:26.000 relationship lessons from my new audible original Messy Love, Difficult, 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:30.440 conversations for deeper connection. My hope is that these are 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:33.520 not just ideas for you to think about, that active 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:37.760 practices you can bring in to your real life relationships. 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:41.440 In my Audible original Messy Love, I sit down with 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:46.160 three different couples over three sessions each. Together, we explore 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:50.760 how to build emotional safety, navigate conflict, and rebuild trust 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:55.480 in their relationships. I'll walk you through five core principles 0:01:55.640 --> 0:01:58.840 from the series, and after each one, offer you a 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:02.440 simple exercise you can try for yourself, whether with a 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:06.880 romantic partner, a family relationship, or any bond that holds 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:09.839 value for you and to hear how these tools come 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.600 to life. Make sure to check out Messy Love, available 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:17.880 only on Audible. Audible's well Being collection has everything to 0:02:18.000 --> 0:02:21.120 inspire and support you in every step of your well 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:25.960 being journey. So let's get started. Principal one is all 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:31.280 about influence, respect, and recognition. Early in the series, I 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:34.880 meet amanden Ryan, a couple who feel out of sync 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:39.200 in their schedules and emotional connection with one another. I 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:43.520 quickly identify that beneath their frustration is a shared desire 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:48.520 to feel influence, respect, and recognition from one another. 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:49.919 For what they do. 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:53.680 When we don't feel seen or valued, we start to 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:57.400 build resentment, not because we don't care, but because we 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:00.680 don't feel safe to keep giving. Let me share a 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:04.520 moment from my conversation with Amanda and Ryan that really 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:08.800 captures what this looks like in real life. As you listen, 0:03:09.240 --> 0:03:12.680 notice how both of them aren't actually arguing about tasks 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:16.880 or schedules. They're wrestling with something deeper, the need to 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:21.840 feel valued and understood in the relationship. Hearing Ryan and 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:25.960 Amanda share, it's becoming clear to me that the underlying 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:32.320 core issue is respect, recognition, and influence. In any relationship, 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:36.280 people aren't really arguing just about the finances. They're arguing 0:03:36.320 --> 0:03:39.400 about do I have an influence in the decisions we make. 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:43.119 People are not just arguing over what roles they do 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.160 or how many chores they have. They're arguing over how 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.920 much respect they feel. And ultimately, everyone wants to feel 0:03:49.960 --> 0:03:52.880 recognized by their partner for the work they put in, 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:58.600 and so that's at the core of this relationship. Thank 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:01.360 you both for being so vulnerable, and I really appreciate it. 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:05.680 This is the reality of what we're all dealing with, 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.280 which is we like each other we love each other, 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:12.920 things make sense, but there's the realities of life, whether 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:16.680 that be financial, emotional, mental, and as I'm listening to 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.719 you both, when we really get beneath the surface, it 0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:24.920 seems like less of a income conversation and more of 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:31.280 an influence, respect and recognition conversation. And I mean, Ryan, 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:32.960 you just said totally straight away. 0:04:33.680 --> 0:04:36.479 Yeah, And it took a lot of years to understand, 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:40.880 like when things happen, it's not personal, Like if I 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:44.880 feel like she took a low blow, understanding that like 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:48.800 it's not her legitimately wanting to hurt me, as just 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:51.919 her protecting herself in the same way that I do 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:55.039 it in my way when I get insecure, when I 0:04:55.040 --> 0:04:59.479 feel less than, my natural reaction is to get angry 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:03.279 and like loud and big, because then I don't feel weak. 0:05:04.600 --> 0:05:06.320 What are your exact roles right now? 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:09.039 I get the sense overall, but what are your exact 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.800 roles right now? And how have you learned to place value? 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:18.440 It sounds like in those heated moments there's an unequal 0:05:18.640 --> 0:05:20.440 value on certain roles. 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:25.040 Now, I generally go to Ploate's or work out before 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:28.520 I teach because I need to like set myself up 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:32.120 for the day. And because by nine o'clock my phone, 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:34.640 like I have a work phone and obviously personal phone, 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:39.160 the amount of people needing my attention is so intense 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:42.720 that I really like those hours. So usually before Ryan 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.359 and Piggy wake up, I've already worked out and like 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:47.680 taught two classes, and I'm already like well into my 0:05:47.800 --> 0:05:51.720 day late morning or midday. That's where little chaos comes in, 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:53.719 as if Ryan and Piggy have gone for a walk 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:55.600 and I come home and I'm a little bit of 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:58.520 a tornado, and then I go to the wellness center 0:05:58.520 --> 0:05:59.680 and I see patients. 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:04.520 She's kind of always a tornado because everything's stacked. If 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:08.680 the smallest little glitch in the schedule happens, things start 0:06:08.680 --> 0:06:09.640 to fall apart. 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.640 I'm the support role. Back to what you're asking. 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:15.680 Traditionally, i'd be like in the fifties. 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:17.080 Like the man that goes kind of joke about that 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:20.400 that I'm more of the homemaker, and I make everything 0:06:20.480 --> 0:06:23.880 run around the house and all of the errands and 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:26.200 the store and things like that, you know, and she 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:31.880 works and in those moments where she's flustered and busy 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:33.400 and like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, 0:06:33.640 --> 0:06:36.520 and I'm trying to like like make her some food 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.280 and make this and gather this. Another thing that happens 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:42.520 a lot when she's like that. She'll just be barking 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:44.800 orders and do this, do that, and like where is this? 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:45.400 Where is that? 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:48.000 So now I'm freaking out having an anxiety attack because 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:51.320 I can't find this piece of paper or we ran 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:53.880 out of this and she needs that. And so that's 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:57.200 where the resentment builds up, is like I do so much, 0:06:57.720 --> 0:07:01.520 but in this moment, you'll make a comment like I'm 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:04.440 not doing enough. And all this other stuff that I 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:06.480 did that you have no idea that you know helped 0:07:06.520 --> 0:07:09.360 your day out and made it more efficient. You're going 0:07:09.400 --> 0:07:11.760 to harp on this one thing, and now I have 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:13.560 to feel bad about that. 0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:17.480 What you're hearing there isn't really about who does more. 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:22.720 It's about what happens when appreciation turns into accounting. When 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:27.400 recognition fades, resentment fills the gap. Here's an exercise I 0:07:27.440 --> 0:07:30.640 want you to try. For the first set of the exercise, 0:07:31.000 --> 0:07:34.200 I invite you to ask yourself, in what moments do 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:38.440 you feel seen and recognized in your relationship? And then 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:42.720 when do you feel invisible? Or overlooked, like you aren't 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:47.080 being seen and recognized in that connection. Notice what comes 0:07:47.120 --> 0:07:49.480 up for you, then see if you can share this 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.480 information with the other person in your life. I want 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:56.679 to start with something that sounds obvious but changes everything. 0:07:57.360 --> 0:07:59.960 A lot of people think the foundation of a romance 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:05.560 relationship is chemistry, But chemistry is the spark. The foundation 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:09.320 is respect. And here's how you can tell the difference 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:13.560 between a relationship that feels exciting and a relationship that 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:19.760 actually feels safe. In a healthy relationship, you feel respected, recognized, 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:26.560 and influential, not in charge, not dominant, influential, like your 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:31.400 presence matters, like your feelings register, like your voice changes 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:36.199 the room. Because love without respect doesn't feel like love. 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:41.640 It feels like anxiety with good memories. The respect part 0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:47.200 is really important. Respect isn't just being polite. Respect is 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:51.720 how someone treats your reality. Do they take your feelings seriously? 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:55.679 Do they handle your boundaries like they matter? Do they 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:58.320 speak to you like you're someone they're proud to be with, 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:02.680 especially when they're an There's a reason respect is such 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:06.080 a big deal in research. Respect is one of those 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:10.640 things you don't appreciate until it's missing. Because when respect 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:15.640 is missing, everything starts to feel personal. A joke feels 0:09:15.679 --> 0:09:20.200 like a jab, A disagreement feels like dismissal. A boundary 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:23.840 feels like you're asking for too much. And here's a modern, 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:27.920 very twenty twenty six reality. A lot of women aren't 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:32.079 breaking up because they stopped loving someone. They're breaking up 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:36.960 because they got tired of being handled casually. The relationship 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:40.280 didn't end in one big betrayal. It ended in a 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:45.640 thousand tiny moments of disrespect. The eye roll, the sarcasm 0:09:46.040 --> 0:09:50.360 that you're too sensitive, the I forgot that happens every 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:54.320 time it's important to you. Respect is the difference between 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:58.160 I don't agree with you and I don't. 0:09:57.880 --> 0:09:58.920 Take you seriously. 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:02.160 No, oh, it's the difference between those I don't agree 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:06.400 with you as respectful, I don't take you seriously as personal. Now, 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:10.359 let's talk recognition, because this is where so many relationships 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:15.040 quietly fail. Recognition is the feeling of my partner gets me, 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:18.560 not just my highlight reel, not just my cute side, 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:23.160 not just my social self me. In psychology, there's a 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:28.920 concept called perceived partner responsiveness. It's basically the science version 0:10:29.240 --> 0:10:32.559 of I feel seen. It means you feel your partner 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:37.120 understands you, cares about you, and appreciates you. And here's 0:10:37.120 --> 0:10:41.599 why this matters. When you don't feel recognized, you start performing. 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:46.160 You start editing yourself, you start picking your words carefully, 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:50.440 you start managing your emotions so you don't ruin the vibe. 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:53.880 And you can call it being chill, but it's actually 0:10:53.920 --> 0:10:58.160 being alone while in a relationship. Recognition is what makes 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:01.520 love feel like a place you can and exhale. A 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.880 lot of people I speak to say some version of this. 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.280 They say they love me, but I don't feel known, 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:11.920 or they're there, but I feel invisible. And in real 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:16.520 life dating culture, recognition looks like simple things. They remember 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:19.720 what stresses you out without you having to remind them. 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:22.680 They notice when your energy changes. They don't make you 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:28.080 explain the same emotional pain twice. That's recognition, and it's 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:32.360 rare because it requires attention. Now here's the piece that 0:11:32.480 --> 0:11:37.760 changes the whole game. Influence influences When your partner is 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:41.800 open to being affected by you, not controlled by you, 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:46.719 affected by you. This is where the Gotman research is powerful. 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:51.280 John Gotman's work on couples consistently points to the importance 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:56.040 of accepting influence, being able to say, in small, daily ways, 0:11:56.400 --> 0:12:00.199 your opinion matters. I can be moved by you. I'm 0:12:00.240 --> 0:12:03.400 not in a power struggle with you. And Gotman's team 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:08.240 has written about how in heterosexual relationships, a common predictor 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:11.760 of long term stability is whether the man can accept 0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:17.200 influence from his partner, meaning he can soften, consider adjust, 0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:21.880 and share power rather than turning everything into a standoff. 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:25.280 Let me make this very modern and practical. A lot 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:29.840 of people think influence means I get my way. Nope, 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.720 influence means I don't feel like I have to fight 0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:38.000 to be considered. It's the difference between being with someone 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:42.040 who listens and being with someone who only hears you. 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:46.120 When you've reached to a breaking point, influence shows up 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:49.880 in tiny moments. You say something bothered you and they 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.400 don't argue it out of it. You make a request 0:12:52.640 --> 0:12:54.960 and they don't treat it like an attack. You bring 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:57.720 up a need and they don't punish you with withdrawal. 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:02.199 When influence is missing, people start doing what they're famous 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:06.320 for doing. They start adapting. They get quieter, they get easier, 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:10.920 they get more low maintenance, and everyone thinks the relationship 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:16.040 is better now until they leave, not because they stopped 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:21.080 loving them, but because they stopped feeling like themselves. Here's 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:25.720 the cultural trap, being cool versus being respected. Here's a 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:28.560 trend I want to call out gently because it's everywhere. 0:13:29.080 --> 0:13:31.640 So many women have been taught to be the cool girl, 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:35.000 the unbothered one, the easy one that I'm not like 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:39.000 that one. But the truth is being low maintenance is 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:43.480 not the goal. Being highly respected is because love is 0:13:43.520 --> 0:13:47.920 not earned by shrinking. Love is sustained by mutual care. 0:13:48.320 --> 0:13:51.320 If you have to downplay your needs to make someone 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:56.400 love you, that isn't love, that's emotional rent. If you're 0:13:56.440 --> 0:13:59.320 listening right now and thinking, okay, but how do I 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.880 know of this is my relationship? Here are three questions 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:07.439 that cut through the noise. One do I feel respected 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:10.920 when we disagree, not when we're in love mode, when 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:15.280 we're in conflict? Do I feel recognized on my hard days? 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:19.800 Or am I only lovable when I'm convenient? And number three, 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:22.720 do I have influence or do I have to escalate 0:14:22.760 --> 0:14:25.440 to be heard? Do I need to cry, threatening to 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.280 leave or shut down for my feelings to count? Because 0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:33.960 if your relationship requires emotional extremes, to produce basic consideration. 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:38.840 It's not intimacy, it's instability. So here's what I want 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:43.200 to share about Principle one. Respect is how love stays safe, 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:48.880 Recognition is how love stays seen, and influence is how 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.760 love stays equal. Now, Principle two is all about scorekeeping. 0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:55.880 This is another key principle that plays out with Amanda 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:58.600 and Ryan and is at the root of so many couples. 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:01.920 I mean, keeping happens when we track what the other 0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:06.040 person did or didn't do and quietly use that information 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:09.280 to build a case against them. But over time this 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:15.000 internal scoreboard can turn into resentment and emotional distance. Scorekeeping 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:19.880 makes us adversaries. Shared understanding makes us partners, and when 0:15:19.960 --> 0:15:23.520 couples begin naming what they value in each other instead 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:27.680 of what's missing, the emotional tone of the relationship changes 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:53.280 almost immediately. In my work, I've noticed that contribution usually 0:15:53.360 --> 0:16:00.000 shows up in five areas financial, mental, physical, emotional spirit. 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:04.800 Conflict often happens when two people are giving generously, just 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:09.280 in different currencies, and because those currencies aren't named, both 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:14.960 people feel depleted and misunderstood even use. Sometimes, conflict often 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:18.080 arises when someone feels they are overgiving in one area 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:22.680 and under receiving in another area without naming it. So 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:26.320 here's an exercise. Your next step is the same one 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:29.720 I asked Amanda and Ryan to do. Ask yourself, in 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:32.760 what areas of your relationship do you feel like you 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:36.840 are overgiving and under receiving? And in what areas do 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:41.240 you feel your undergiving and over receiving. Share your findings 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:43.600 with your partner and see if you can make any 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:47.480 alterations to find a more balance in your relationship and 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:51.600 school keepings often very unlabeled and random. It can be 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:55.320 I planned the last three dates. I always text first. 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:57.880 I was there when they were struggling, but where were 0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:02.680 they when I needed support? Pologized they didn't. Scorekeeping doesn't 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:07.480 usually start with resentment. It starts with imbalance, and imbalance 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:11.440 doesn't feel dangerous at first. It feels annoying, but over time, 0:17:11.520 --> 0:17:15.800 small mental talies turn into emotional distance. And here's the 0:17:15.840 --> 0:17:20.960 part that's uncomfortable. Scorekeeping feels justified because most of the 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:24.199 time it is the reason we keep score. From a 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:29.199 psychological perspective, is humans are wired for fairness. Research in 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:34.400 social psychology shows that people are deeply sensitive to perceived inequity. 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:38.200 When one partner feels they're investing more than their receiving, 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:45.119 relationship satisfaction drops significantly. Equity theory basically says we don't 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:50.000 just want love, we want fairness, and when something feels unfair, 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:54.919 your brain flags it. That's not pettiness, that's biology. But 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:59.960 here's where it gets complicated. Fairness in relationships is rarely mathema. 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:05.639 It's emotional. One person might be carrying more financially, carrying 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:10.679 more emotionally, carrying more mentally, and the imbalance might be 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:15.800 temporary or chronic. The problem isn't noticing imbalance. The problem 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:19.439 is turning it into a silent ledger. Let's make this 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:24.200 reel for twenty twenty six. Scorekeeping today looks like tracking 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:28.000 who initiates plans, Noticing who says I love you first 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:32.399 and more often, watching who shares their story on social media, 0:18:33.040 --> 0:18:36.560 counting how long it takes for someone to reply, mentally 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:41.119 logging who compromised last. It sounds small, but it changes 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:44.320 the emotional tone of the relationship because once you start 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:48.680 keeping score, you stop giving freely. You give to balance 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:53.400 the sheet, and that shifts love from generosity to transaction. 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:59.320 John Gotman's research on relationships found something fascinating. Couples don't 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:03.080 survive becase they split everything fifty to fifty. They survive 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:07.080 because they respond to each other's bids for connection. A 0:19:07.160 --> 0:19:10.160 bid can be small, look at this? Can I tell 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:14.720 you something? Are you okay? Healthy couples turn toward those 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:18.920 bids about eighty six percent of the time. Unhappy couples 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:23.360 around thirty three percent. Not because they're evil, because they're tired, 0:19:23.600 --> 0:19:27.359 because they feel unseen, because they're already keeping score. And 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:30.560 when you're keeping score, you start missing bids on purpose. 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:35.200 Oh now you want my attention, Oh now your affectionate, 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:41.640 Oh now you care. Scorekeeping turns connection into revenge. Scorekeeping 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:45.320 feels powerful, it gives you evidence. But here's the truth. 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:52.719 Scorekeeping is usually unspoken resentment, and unspoken resentment becomes emotional withdrawal. 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:56.480 You don't scream, you don't leave, You just start caring 0:19:56.640 --> 0:20:02.040 a little less. You stop initiating, you stop softening, stop breaching. 0:20:02.880 --> 0:20:06.000 Not because you don't love them, because you're protecting yourself 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:10.440 from feeling foolish. So what's the alternative? This is important. 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:14.199 The solution is not to ignore imbalance. The solution is 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:18.560 to address it directly instead of storing it. Scorekeeping thrives 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:22.760 in silence. Healthy love says I'm feeling stretched here. I 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:25.720 need more support. I notice what you're giving me here, 0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:28.760 But I do feel like I'm carrying this alone. That's 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:33.199 not nagging. That's clarity, because once resentment builds, you're not 0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:37.760 negotiating needs, You're negotiating wounds. The next thing I want 0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:40.880 to talk to you about is conflict styles in messy Love. 0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:44.160 The second couple I meet is gladys In Justin, who 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:46.600 are having a difficult time with the way they communicate 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.800 and trust in one another. I shared with them three 0:20:49.880 --> 0:20:53.600 core fight styles or conflict styles, venting, I want to 0:20:53.640 --> 0:20:57.080 fix this right now, hiding, I need space and time 0:20:57.119 --> 0:21:00.880 to reflect on my feelings, and exploding what happens when 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:03.880 the first two go unheard. Here is a moment where 0:21:03.880 --> 0:21:07.240 I introduced this idea to gladys In Justin. As you listen, 0:21:07.720 --> 0:21:12.520 notice how naming the conflict style immediately lowers the temperature. Often, 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:17.960 when we finally speak up, we speak louder, but not clearer. 0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:20.040 When I say louder, I don't mean you're shouting. 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:24.720 Yeah, it's more confident, but it doesn't mean confidence. Is 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:28.840 clarity in is that person really able to understand what 0:21:28.840 --> 0:21:31.919 we're saying. That's why this exercise of that trigger and 0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:35.280 reaction is so important, because what's happening is the trigger 0:21:35.320 --> 0:21:38.520 is speaking louder, maybe not clearer, and the reaction is 0:21:38.560 --> 0:21:43.040 minimizing and projecting value onto it. And that's where everything escalates. 0:21:43.240 --> 0:21:46.440 What happens when it escalates, so you don't feel seen 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:49.840 and heard, Gladys Justin will say, can't believe we're here again, 0:21:49.920 --> 0:21:53.040 It's too small. Why are we doing this? Where does 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:53.320 that go? 0:21:55.280 --> 0:21:57.520 I just shut down, which is the next one, but 0:21:57.560 --> 0:22:00.040 I just shut down. And then that's when he I 0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:02.240 want to have a conversation. And at that point, I 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:05.320 don't want to have a conversation. It just becomes an argument. 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:09.560 And then the conversation becomes very defensive. And then at 0:22:09.600 --> 0:22:13.199 some point that is probably the biggest thing, Like I 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:15.760 feel it in my chest when this happens. I get 0:22:15.840 --> 0:22:17.840 so angry that I'll just scream and be like I 0:22:17.840 --> 0:22:20.200 don't care anymore. Just get off my phone, like I 0:22:20.240 --> 0:22:21.600 don't even care, I don't want to talk to you, 0:22:21.680 --> 0:22:23.880 walk away, and I start becoming really rude. 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:27.680 Yeah, and that's when we've we've already gone too far 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:30.919 where it's like it's unsavable at that point that conversation 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:35.400 because tensions high, there's loads of emotion, and we've lost 0:22:35.480 --> 0:22:37.720 that rational part of us that has the ability to 0:22:38.359 --> 0:22:39.240 just in your thoughts on that. 0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:40.200 Yeah, it's pretty accurate. 0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:42.560 And it happens on both behalfs. 0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:42.760 You know. 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:45.600 There's sometimes where we'll show shut down and then I 0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:48.359 do the same, and then we just don't talk and 0:22:48.400 --> 0:22:52.960 then there's like that awkward silence and then somebody breaks 0:22:52.960 --> 0:22:54.760 the ice. Most of the time it's me, you know, 0:22:54.840 --> 0:22:57.720 coming to try to figure it out, right. 0:22:58.880 --> 0:23:01.800 Yeah, And so what we're really speaking about here is 0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:06.640 that in terms of your communication challenges, the communication challenges 0:23:06.960 --> 0:23:10.159 for Gladys is saying what you really want when you 0:23:10.200 --> 0:23:11.879 want it, and being really clear about it and for 0:23:11.920 --> 0:23:14.440 it not to be a trigger. I think the challenge 0:23:14.480 --> 0:23:19.000 is when we only communicate when it's triggered, it's no 0:23:19.080 --> 0:23:22.160 longer communication. It's now a trigger. That's why we call 0:23:22.200 --> 0:23:25.480 it that. And I think communication is actually there's nothing 0:23:25.480 --> 0:23:30.000 wrong right now, and there's nothing that I'm agitated right now, 0:23:30.040 --> 0:23:33.480 And in this piece, I'm actually going to share what 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:37.720 I want. If I communicate when i'm not triggered, Chances 0:23:37.720 --> 0:23:40.399 are I won't trigger the other person. But if I 0:23:40.600 --> 0:23:43.359 only communicate when I'm triggered, chances a I'm going to 0:23:43.400 --> 0:23:46.840 lead to a reaction. And I think for yourself in 0:23:46.880 --> 0:23:50.560 that justin if you're only reacting to a trigger, you're 0:23:50.600 --> 0:23:53.040 going to have a reaction. But for you to break 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:56.879 this cycle, we've got to make sure that you're able 0:23:56.920 --> 0:24:00.040 to even if Gladys gets triggered, to be able to 0:24:00.080 --> 0:24:02.119 approach it in a form of validation and making her 0:24:02.160 --> 0:24:05.320 feel seen and heard. And so there's responsibility and accountability 0:24:05.359 --> 0:24:07.720 on both sides because we don't want to get to 0:24:07.800 --> 0:24:10.680 the escalation point, because that's the point of an over return, 0:24:10.720 --> 0:24:13.359 where repairing from that is a lot harder. When we 0:24:13.480 --> 0:24:17.119 understand how we fight, we stop assuming it's about whether 0:24:17.200 --> 0:24:20.200 we care. Here's a moment where we go deeper into 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:24.760 triggers and how quickly reactions can spiral when clarity is missing. 0:24:25.440 --> 0:24:29.919 Conflict styles aren't flaws, their patterns we learn to protect ourselves. 0:24:30.480 --> 0:24:34.440 But when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:38.040 isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to understand it well enough 0:24:38.359 --> 0:24:43.440 that repair becomes possible. Conflict styles aren't flaws, their patterns. 0:24:43.440 --> 0:24:47.320 We learn to protect ourselves, but when those patterns go unnamed, 0:24:47.560 --> 0:24:51.040 they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to 0:24:51.160 --> 0:24:55.600 understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. For this exercise, 0:24:55.600 --> 0:24:58.639 I invite you to identify which fight style is most 0:24:58.680 --> 0:25:02.040 common for you in you your relationship. Then consider why 0:25:02.080 --> 0:25:05.320 you think this style developed and whether any adjustments could 0:25:05.320 --> 0:25:08.800 be made. Are you a fixer, a venor, or an exploder. 0:25:09.400 --> 0:25:12.960 Most relationships don't fall apart because of big betrayals. They 0:25:13.000 --> 0:25:16.600 fall apart because of how two people fight or don't fight. 0:25:17.200 --> 0:25:20.400 Your conflict style is the invisible script you run when 0:25:20.480 --> 0:25:23.879 something feels off. It's how you react when you're hurt, 0:25:24.200 --> 0:25:28.320 when you're misunderstood, when you're disappointed. And most of us 0:25:28.520 --> 0:25:32.880 didn't choose our style, we inherited it. Here's what's fascinating. 0:25:33.320 --> 0:25:38.120 Research shows that conflict is not predictive of divorce. Avoidance 0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:41.840 of repair is Gotman's work shows it's not about whether 0:25:41.880 --> 0:25:45.639 you argue, it's about whether you repair quickly. Do you 0:25:45.720 --> 0:25:48.480 soften after, do you circle back? Do you say I 0:25:48.520 --> 0:25:50.720 didn't mean it that way? Or do you stay in 0:25:50.920 --> 0:25:55.080 ego Here's the hard question. Ask yourself, when we fight, 0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:59.200 do I feel closer after or more alone? Because conflict 0:25:59.200 --> 0:26:04.640