1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose. Today we're talking 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:09,399 Speaker 1: about messy love, difficult conversations for deeper connection. We're living 3 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: in a time where people are more connected than ever before, 4 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,800 Speaker 1: yet so many of us feel deeply disconnected in our relationships. 5 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: We have access to endless information, constant communication, and more 6 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: tools than ever to improve our lives. We set goals 7 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: for our careers, our health, our routines, and our personal growth, 8 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,240 Speaker 1: but rarely do we pause to reflect on how we love, 9 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,479 Speaker 1: how we listen, and how we show up for the 10 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 1: people closest to us. Many of us were never taught 11 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,879 Speaker 1: what healthy love actually looks like. We weren't taught how 12 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:50,600 Speaker 1: to communicate when emotions run high, how to repair after conflict, 13 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: or how to feel safe being honest without fear of loss. Instead, 14 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: we carry patterns from our past into our presenting. Things 15 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,679 Speaker 1: will somehow work themselves out, and when relationships feel messy, confusing, 16 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: or painful, we often blame ourselves or the other person, 17 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:15,440 Speaker 1: without realizing that most of what we're experiencing is learned behavior, 18 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:20,759 Speaker 1: not personal failure. Today, I want to share five powerful 19 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: relationship lessons from my new audible original Messy Love, Difficult, 20 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 1: conversations for deeper connection. My hope is that these are 21 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: not just ideas for you to think about, that active 22 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 1: practices you can bring in to your real life relationships. 23 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: In my Audible original Messy Love, I sit down with 24 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: three different couples over three sessions each. Together, we explore 25 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 1: how to build emotional safety, navigate conflict, and rebuild trust 26 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 1: in their relationships. I'll walk you through five core principles 27 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,840 Speaker 1: from the series, and after each one, offer you a 28 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: simple exercise you can try for yourself, whether with a 29 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: romantic partner, a family relationship, or any bond that holds 30 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,839 Speaker 1: value for you and to hear how these tools come 31 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 1: to life. Make sure to check out Messy Love, available 32 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 1: only on Audible. Audible's well Being collection has everything to 33 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: inspire and support you in every step of your well 34 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 1: being journey. So let's get started. Principal one is all 35 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:31,280 Speaker 1: about influence, respect, and recognition. Early in the series, I 36 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: meet amanden Ryan, a couple who feel out of sync 37 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: in their schedules and emotional connection with one another. I 38 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 1: quickly identify that beneath their frustration is a shared desire 39 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 1: to feel influence, respect, and recognition from one another. 40 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:49,919 Speaker 2: For what they do. 41 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,680 Speaker 1: When we don't feel seen or valued, we start to 42 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:57,400 Speaker 1: build resentment, not because we don't care, but because we 43 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: don't feel safe to keep giving. Let me share a 44 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 1: moment from my conversation with Amanda and Ryan that really 45 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:08,800 Speaker 1: captures what this looks like in real life. As you listen, 46 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: notice how both of them aren't actually arguing about tasks 47 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: or schedules. They're wrestling with something deeper, the need to 48 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: feel valued and understood in the relationship. Hearing Ryan and 49 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:25,960 Speaker 1: Amanda share, it's becoming clear to me that the underlying 50 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 1: core issue is respect, recognition, and influence. In any relationship, 51 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 1: people aren't really arguing just about the finances. They're arguing 52 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 1: about do I have an influence in the decisions we make. 53 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,119 Speaker 1: People are not just arguing over what roles they do 54 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: or how many chores they have. They're arguing over how 55 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 1: much respect they feel. And ultimately, everyone wants to feel 56 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: recognized by their partner for the work they put in, 57 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 1: and so that's at the core of this relationship. Thank 58 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: you both for being so vulnerable, and I really appreciate it. 59 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: This is the reality of what we're all dealing with, 60 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: which is we like each other we love each other, 61 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 1: things make sense, but there's the realities of life, whether 62 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: that be financial, emotional, mental, and as I'm listening to 63 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: you both, when we really get beneath the surface, it 64 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: seems like less of a income conversation and more of 65 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:31,280 Speaker 1: an influence, respect and recognition conversation. And I mean, Ryan, 66 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: you just said totally straight away. 67 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,479 Speaker 3: Yeah, And it took a lot of years to understand, 68 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 3: like when things happen, it's not personal, Like if I 69 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 3: feel like she took a low blow, understanding that like 70 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 3: it's not her legitimately wanting to hurt me, as just 71 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,919 Speaker 3: her protecting herself in the same way that I do 72 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,039 Speaker 3: it in my way when I get insecure, when I 73 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 3: feel less than, my natural reaction is to get angry 74 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 3: and like loud and big, because then I don't feel weak. 75 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 2: What are your exact roles right now? 76 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 1: I get the sense overall, but what are your exact 77 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: roles right now? And how have you learned to place value? 78 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: It sounds like in those heated moments there's an unequal 79 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 1: value on certain roles. 80 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:25,040 Speaker 4: Now, I generally go to Ploate's or work out before 81 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 4: I teach because I need to like set myself up 82 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 4: for the day. And because by nine o'clock my phone, 83 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 4: like I have a work phone and obviously personal phone, 84 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:39,160 Speaker 4: the amount of people needing my attention is so intense 85 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,720 Speaker 4: that I really like those hours. So usually before Ryan 86 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,359 Speaker 4: and Piggy wake up, I've already worked out and like 87 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 4: taught two classes, and I'm already like well into my 88 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,720 Speaker 4: day late morning or midday. That's where little chaos comes in, 89 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,719 Speaker 4: as if Ryan and Piggy have gone for a walk 90 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,600 Speaker 4: and I come home and I'm a little bit of 91 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 4: a tornado, and then I go to the wellness center 92 00:05:58,520 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 4: and I see patients. 93 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 3: She's kind of always a tornado because everything's stacked. If 94 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 3: the smallest little glitch in the schedule happens, things start 95 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 3: to fall apart. 96 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 5: I'm the support role. Back to what you're asking. 97 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 4: Traditionally, i'd be like in the fifties. 98 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 3: Like the man that goes kind of joke about that 99 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 3: that I'm more of the homemaker, and I make everything 100 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 3: run around the house and all of the errands and 101 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 3: the store and things like that, you know, and she 102 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 3: works and in those moments where she's flustered and busy 103 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 3: and like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, 104 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,520 Speaker 3: and I'm trying to like like make her some food 105 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 3: and make this and gather this. Another thing that happens 106 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 3: a lot when she's like that. She'll just be barking 107 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,800 Speaker 3: orders and do this, do that, and like where is this? 108 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 5: Where is that? 109 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 3: So now I'm freaking out having an anxiety attack because 110 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 3: I can't find this piece of paper or we ran 111 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 3: out of this and she needs that. And so that's 112 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,200 Speaker 3: where the resentment builds up, is like I do so much, 113 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 3: but in this moment, you'll make a comment like I'm 114 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 3: not doing enough. And all this other stuff that I 115 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,480 Speaker 3: did that you have no idea that you know helped 116 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,360 Speaker 3: your day out and made it more efficient. You're going 117 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 3: to harp on this one thing, and now I have 118 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 3: to feel bad about that. 119 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: What you're hearing there isn't really about who does more. 120 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: It's about what happens when appreciation turns into accounting. When 121 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 1: recognition fades, resentment fills the gap. Here's an exercise I 122 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: want you to try. For the first set of the exercise, 123 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 1: I invite you to ask yourself, in what moments do 124 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: you feel seen and recognized in your relationship? And then 125 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: when do you feel invisible? Or overlooked, like you aren't 126 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: being seen and recognized in that connection. Notice what comes 127 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: up for you, then see if you can share this 128 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: information with the other person in your life. I want 129 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,679 Speaker 1: to start with something that sounds obvious but changes everything. 130 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: A lot of people think the foundation of a romance 131 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 1: relationship is chemistry, But chemistry is the spark. The foundation 132 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: is respect. And here's how you can tell the difference 133 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: between a relationship that feels exciting and a relationship that 134 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: actually feels safe. In a healthy relationship, you feel respected, recognized, 135 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: and influential, not in charge, not dominant, influential, like your 136 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: presence matters, like your feelings register, like your voice changes 137 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: the room. Because love without respect doesn't feel like love. 138 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: It feels like anxiety with good memories. The respect part 139 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 1: is really important. Respect isn't just being polite. Respect is 140 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 1: how someone treats your reality. Do they take your feelings seriously? 141 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 1: Do they handle your boundaries like they matter? Do they 142 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: speak to you like you're someone they're proud to be with, 143 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,680 Speaker 1: especially when they're an There's a reason respect is such 144 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 1: a big deal in research. Respect is one of those 145 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 1: things you don't appreciate until it's missing. Because when respect 146 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 1: is missing, everything starts to feel personal. A joke feels 147 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:20,200 Speaker 1: like a jab, A disagreement feels like dismissal. A boundary 148 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: feels like you're asking for too much. And here's a modern, 149 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 1: very twenty twenty six reality. A lot of women aren't 150 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:32,079 Speaker 1: breaking up because they stopped loving someone. They're breaking up 151 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,960 Speaker 1: because they got tired of being handled casually. The relationship 152 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: didn't end in one big betrayal. It ended in a 153 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: thousand tiny moments of disrespect. The eye roll, the sarcasm 154 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: that you're too sensitive, the I forgot that happens every 155 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,320 Speaker 1: time it's important to you. Respect is the difference between 156 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 1: I don't agree with you and I don't. 157 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 2: Take you seriously. 158 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: No, oh, it's the difference between those I don't agree 159 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,400 Speaker 1: with you as respectful, I don't take you seriously as personal. Now, 160 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,359 Speaker 1: let's talk recognition, because this is where so many relationships 161 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:15,040 Speaker 1: quietly fail. Recognition is the feeling of my partner gets me, 162 00:10:15,679 --> 00:10:18,560 Speaker 1: not just my highlight reel, not just my cute side, 163 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: not just my social self me. In psychology, there's a 164 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 1: concept called perceived partner responsiveness. It's basically the science version 165 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,559 Speaker 1: of I feel seen. It means you feel your partner 166 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: understands you, cares about you, and appreciates you. And here's 167 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,599 Speaker 1: why this matters. When you don't feel recognized, you start performing. 168 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: You start editing yourself, you start picking your words carefully, 169 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,440 Speaker 1: you start managing your emotions so you don't ruin the vibe. 170 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: And you can call it being chill, but it's actually 171 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: being alone while in a relationship. Recognition is what makes 172 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 1: love feel like a place you can and exhale. A 173 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: lot of people I speak to say some version of this. 174 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 1: They say they love me, but I don't feel known, 175 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,920 Speaker 1: or they're there, but I feel invisible. And in real 176 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 1: life dating culture, recognition looks like simple things. They remember 177 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: what stresses you out without you having to remind them. 178 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 1: They notice when your energy changes. They don't make you 179 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:28,080 Speaker 1: explain the same emotional pain twice. That's recognition, and it's 180 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: rare because it requires attention. Now here's the piece that 181 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 1: changes the whole game. Influence influences When your partner is 182 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: open to being affected by you, not controlled by you, 183 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:46,719 Speaker 1: affected by you. This is where the Gotman research is powerful. 184 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,280 Speaker 1: John Gotman's work on couples consistently points to the importance 185 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 1: of accepting influence, being able to say, in small, daily ways, 186 00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:00,199 Speaker 1: your opinion matters. I can be moved by you. I'm 187 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 1: not in a power struggle with you. And Gotman's team 188 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 1: has written about how in heterosexual relationships, a common predictor 189 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 1: of long term stability is whether the man can accept 190 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:17,200 Speaker 1: influence from his partner, meaning he can soften, consider adjust, 191 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 1: and share power rather than turning everything into a standoff. 192 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 1: Let me make this very modern and practical. A lot 193 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 1: of people think influence means I get my way. Nope, 194 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: influence means I don't feel like I have to fight 195 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 1: to be considered. It's the difference between being with someone 196 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 1: who listens and being with someone who only hears you. 197 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,120 Speaker 1: When you've reached to a breaking point, influence shows up 198 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,880 Speaker 1: in tiny moments. You say something bothered you and they 199 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 1: don't argue it out of it. You make a request 200 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: and they don't treat it like an attack. You bring 201 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: up a need and they don't punish you with withdrawal. 202 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,199 Speaker 1: When influence is missing, people start doing what they're famous 203 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 1: for doing. They start adapting. They get quieter, they get easier, 204 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: they get more low maintenance, and everyone thinks the relationship 205 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 1: is better now until they leave, not because they stopped 206 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:21,080 Speaker 1: loving them, but because they stopped feeling like themselves. Here's 207 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: the cultural trap, being cool versus being respected. Here's a 208 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 1: trend I want to call out gently because it's everywhere. 209 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: So many women have been taught to be the cool girl, 210 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 1: the unbothered one, the easy one that I'm not like 211 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: that one. But the truth is being low maintenance is 212 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: not the goal. Being highly respected is because love is 213 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,920 Speaker 1: not earned by shrinking. Love is sustained by mutual care. 214 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,320 Speaker 1: If you have to downplay your needs to make someone 215 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:56,400 Speaker 1: love you, that isn't love, that's emotional rent. If you're 216 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,320 Speaker 1: listening right now and thinking, okay, but how do I 217 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: know of this is my relationship? Here are three questions 218 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,439 Speaker 1: that cut through the noise. One do I feel respected 219 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: when we disagree, not when we're in love mode, when 220 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 1: we're in conflict? Do I feel recognized on my hard days? 221 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:19,800 Speaker 1: Or am I only lovable when I'm convenient? And number three, 222 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: do I have influence or do I have to escalate 223 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,440 Speaker 1: to be heard? Do I need to cry, threatening to 224 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: leave or shut down for my feelings to count? Because 225 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:33,960 Speaker 1: if your relationship requires emotional extremes, to produce basic consideration. 226 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 1: It's not intimacy, it's instability. So here's what I want 227 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: to share about Principle one. Respect is how love stays safe, 228 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: Recognition is how love stays seen, and influence is how 229 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: love stays equal. Now, Principle two is all about scorekeeping. 230 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: This is another key principle that plays out with Amanda 231 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 1: and Ryan and is at the root of so many couples. 232 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: I mean, keeping happens when we track what the other 233 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:06,040 Speaker 1: person did or didn't do and quietly use that information 234 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: to build a case against them. But over time this 235 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: internal scoreboard can turn into resentment and emotional distance. Scorekeeping 236 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: makes us adversaries. Shared understanding makes us partners, and when 237 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: couples begin naming what they value in each other instead 238 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,680 Speaker 1: of what's missing, the emotional tone of the relationship changes 239 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 1: almost immediately. In my work, I've noticed that contribution usually 240 00:15:53,360 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 1: shows up in five areas financial, mental, physical, emotional spirit. 241 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: Conflict often happens when two people are giving generously, just 242 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,280 Speaker 1: in different currencies, and because those currencies aren't named, both 243 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: people feel depleted and misunderstood even use. Sometimes, conflict often 244 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,080 Speaker 1: arises when someone feels they are overgiving in one area 245 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 1: and under receiving in another area without naming it. So 246 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: here's an exercise. Your next step is the same one 247 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: I asked Amanda and Ryan to do. Ask yourself, in 248 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,760 Speaker 1: what areas of your relationship do you feel like you 249 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 1: are overgiving and under receiving? And in what areas do 250 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: you feel your undergiving and over receiving. Share your findings 251 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,600 Speaker 1: with your partner and see if you can make any 252 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,480 Speaker 1: alterations to find a more balance in your relationship and 253 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: school keepings often very unlabeled and random. It can be 254 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: I planned the last three dates. I always text first. 255 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: I was there when they were struggling, but where were 256 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:02,680 Speaker 1: they when I needed support? Pologized they didn't. Scorekeeping doesn't 257 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:07,480 Speaker 1: usually start with resentment. It starts with imbalance, and imbalance 258 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: doesn't feel dangerous at first. It feels annoying, but over time, 259 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 1: small mental talies turn into emotional distance. And here's the 260 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 1: part that's uncomfortable. Scorekeeping feels justified because most of the 261 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,199 Speaker 1: time it is the reason we keep score. From a 262 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:29,199 Speaker 1: psychological perspective, is humans are wired for fairness. Research in 263 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 1: social psychology shows that people are deeply sensitive to perceived inequity. 264 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:38,200 Speaker 1: When one partner feels they're investing more than their receiving, 265 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:45,119 Speaker 1: relationship satisfaction drops significantly. Equity theory basically says we don't 266 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 1: just want love, we want fairness, and when something feels unfair, 267 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,919 Speaker 1: your brain flags it. That's not pettiness, that's biology. But 268 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:59,960 Speaker 1: here's where it gets complicated. Fairness in relationships is rarely mathema. 269 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:05,639 Speaker 1: It's emotional. One person might be carrying more financially, carrying 270 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:10,679 Speaker 1: more emotionally, carrying more mentally, and the imbalance might be 271 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: temporary or chronic. The problem isn't noticing imbalance. The problem 272 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,439 Speaker 1: is turning it into a silent ledger. Let's make this 273 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: reel for twenty twenty six. Scorekeeping today looks like tracking 274 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: who initiates plans, Noticing who says I love you first 275 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:32,399 Speaker 1: and more often, watching who shares their story on social media, 276 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 1: counting how long it takes for someone to reply, mentally 277 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:41,119 Speaker 1: logging who compromised last. It sounds small, but it changes 278 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 1: the emotional tone of the relationship because once you start 279 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,680 Speaker 1: keeping score, you stop giving freely. You give to balance 280 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:53,400 Speaker 1: the sheet, and that shifts love from generosity to transaction. 281 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 1: John Gotman's research on relationships found something fascinating. Couples don't 282 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:03,080 Speaker 1: survive becase they split everything fifty to fifty. They survive 283 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: because they respond to each other's bids for connection. A 284 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,160 Speaker 1: bid can be small, look at this? Can I tell 285 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: you something? Are you okay? Healthy couples turn toward those 286 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,920 Speaker 1: bids about eighty six percent of the time. Unhappy couples 287 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:23,360 Speaker 1: around thirty three percent. Not because they're evil, because they're tired, 288 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 1: because they feel unseen, because they're already keeping score. And 289 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: when you're keeping score, you start missing bids on purpose. 290 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: Oh now you want my attention, Oh now your affectionate, 291 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:41,640 Speaker 1: Oh now you care. Scorekeeping turns connection into revenge. Scorekeeping 292 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 1: feels powerful, it gives you evidence. But here's the truth. 293 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:52,719 Speaker 1: Scorekeeping is usually unspoken resentment, and unspoken resentment becomes emotional withdrawal. 294 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: You don't scream, you don't leave, You just start caring 295 00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: a little less. You stop initiating, you stop softening, stop breaching. 296 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: Not because you don't love them, because you're protecting yourself 297 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,440 Speaker 1: from feeling foolish. So what's the alternative? This is important. 298 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,199 Speaker 1: The solution is not to ignore imbalance. The solution is 299 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 1: to address it directly instead of storing it. Scorekeeping thrives 300 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 1: in silence. Healthy love says I'm feeling stretched here. I 301 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 1: need more support. I notice what you're giving me here, 302 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,760 Speaker 1: But I do feel like I'm carrying this alone. That's 303 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,199 Speaker 1: not nagging. That's clarity, because once resentment builds, you're not 304 00:20:33,359 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: negotiating needs, You're negotiating wounds. The next thing I want 305 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,880 Speaker 1: to talk to you about is conflict styles in messy Love. 306 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:44,160 Speaker 1: The second couple I meet is gladys In Justin, who 307 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 1: are having a difficult time with the way they communicate 308 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: and trust in one another. I shared with them three 309 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 1: core fight styles or conflict styles, venting, I want to 310 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: fix this right now, hiding, I need space and time 311 00:20:57,119 --> 00:21:00,880 Speaker 1: to reflect on my feelings, and exploding what happens when 312 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,880 Speaker 1: the first two go unheard. Here is a moment where 313 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,240 Speaker 1: I introduced this idea to gladys In Justin. As you listen, 314 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: notice how naming the conflict style immediately lowers the temperature. Often, 315 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: when we finally speak up, we speak louder, but not clearer. 316 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 2: When I say louder, I don't mean you're shouting. 317 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:24,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's more confident, but it doesn't mean confidence. Is 318 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 1: clarity in is that person really able to understand what 319 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,919 Speaker 1: we're saying. That's why this exercise of that trigger and 320 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,280 Speaker 1: reaction is so important, because what's happening is the trigger 321 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: is speaking louder, maybe not clearer, and the reaction is 322 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 1: minimizing and projecting value onto it. And that's where everything escalates. 323 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,440 Speaker 1: What happens when it escalates, so you don't feel seen 324 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: and heard, Gladys Justin will say, can't believe we're here again, 325 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: It's too small. Why are we doing this? Where does 326 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 1: that go? 327 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 6: I just shut down, which is the next one, but 328 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,040 Speaker 6: I just shut down. And then that's when he I 329 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 6: want to have a conversation. And at that point, I 330 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,320 Speaker 6: don't want to have a conversation. It just becomes an argument. 331 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,560 Speaker 6: And then the conversation becomes very defensive. And then at 332 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,199 Speaker 6: some point that is probably the biggest thing, Like I 333 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 6: feel it in my chest when this happens. I get 334 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 6: so angry that I'll just scream and be like I 335 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,200 Speaker 6: don't care anymore. Just get off my phone, like I 336 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 6: don't even care, I don't want to talk to you, 337 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,880 Speaker 6: walk away, and I start becoming really rude. 338 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's when we've we've already gone too far 339 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,919 Speaker 1: where it's like it's unsavable at that point that conversation 340 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:35,400 Speaker 1: because tensions high, there's loads of emotion, and we've lost 341 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,720 Speaker 1: that rational part of us that has the ability to 342 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 1: just in your thoughts on that. 343 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 5: Yeah, it's pretty accurate. 344 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 2: And it happens on both behalfs. 345 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 5: You know. 346 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 7: There's sometimes where we'll show shut down and then I 347 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,359 Speaker 7: do the same, and then we just don't talk and 348 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 7: then there's like that awkward silence and then somebody breaks 349 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 7: the ice. Most of the time it's me, you know, 350 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,720 Speaker 7: coming to try to figure it out, right. 351 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: Yeah, And so what we're really speaking about here is 352 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,640 Speaker 1: that in terms of your communication challenges, the communication challenges 353 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:10,159 Speaker 1: for Gladys is saying what you really want when you 354 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,879 Speaker 1: want it, and being really clear about it and for 355 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,440 Speaker 1: it not to be a trigger. I think the challenge 356 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:19,000 Speaker 1: is when we only communicate when it's triggered, it's no 357 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,160 Speaker 1: longer communication. It's now a trigger. That's why we call 358 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 1: it that. And I think communication is actually there's nothing 359 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:30,000 Speaker 1: wrong right now, and there's nothing that I'm agitated right now, 360 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 1: And in this piece, I'm actually going to share what 361 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:37,720 Speaker 1: I want. If I communicate when i'm not triggered, Chances 362 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,399 Speaker 1: are I won't trigger the other person. But if I 363 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,359 Speaker 1: only communicate when I'm triggered, chances a I'm going to 364 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 1: lead to a reaction. And I think for yourself in 365 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,560 Speaker 1: that justin if you're only reacting to a trigger, you're 366 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: going to have a reaction. But for you to break 367 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,879 Speaker 1: this cycle, we've got to make sure that you're able 368 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:00,040 Speaker 1: to even if Gladys gets triggered, to be able to 369 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,119 Speaker 1: approach it in a form of validation and making her 370 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,320 Speaker 1: feel seen and heard. And so there's responsibility and accountability 371 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:07,720 Speaker 1: on both sides because we don't want to get to 372 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,680 Speaker 1: the escalation point, because that's the point of an over return, 373 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,359 Speaker 1: where repairing from that is a lot harder. When we 374 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:17,119 Speaker 1: understand how we fight, we stop assuming it's about whether 375 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,200 Speaker 1: we care. Here's a moment where we go deeper into 376 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,760 Speaker 1: triggers and how quickly reactions can spiral when clarity is missing. 377 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,919 Speaker 1: Conflict styles aren't flaws, their patterns we learn to protect ourselves. 378 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,440 Speaker 1: But when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal 379 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,040 Speaker 1: isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to understand it well enough 380 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:43,440 Speaker 1: that repair becomes possible. Conflict styles aren't flaws, their patterns. 381 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: We learn to protect ourselves, but when those patterns go unnamed, 382 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to 383 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 1: understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. For this exercise, 384 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,639 Speaker 1: I invite you to identify which fight style is most 385 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,040 Speaker 1: common for you in you your relationship. Then consider why 386 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,320 Speaker 1: you think this style developed and whether any adjustments could 387 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: be made. Are you a fixer, a venor, or an exploder. 388 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 1: Most relationships don't fall apart because of big betrayals. They 389 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: fall apart because of how two people fight or don't fight. 390 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,400 Speaker 1: Your conflict style is the invisible script you run when 391 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,879 Speaker 1: something feels off. It's how you react when you're hurt, 392 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 1: when you're misunderstood, when you're disappointed. And most of us 393 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:32,880 Speaker 1: didn't choose our style, we inherited it. Here's what's fascinating. 394 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:38,120 Speaker 1: Research shows that conflict is not predictive of divorce. Avoidance 395 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,840 Speaker 1: of repair is Gotman's work shows it's not about whether 396 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,639 Speaker 1: you argue, it's about whether you repair quickly. Do you 397 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 1: soften after, do you circle back? Do you say I 398 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,720 Speaker 1: didn't mean it that way? Or do you stay in 399 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: ego Here's the hard question. Ask yourself, when we fight, 400 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:59,200 Speaker 1: do I feel closer after or more alone? Because conflict 401 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:04,640 Speaker 1: styles don't term incompatibility repair does. It's not about finding 402 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:08,400 Speaker 1: someone who you never argue with, It's about finding someone 403 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:13,120 Speaker 1: who stays with you even after you argue. Principle number four. 404 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,120 Speaker 1: The final couple we meet in Messy Love, My audible 405 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 1: original is Jeremy and Richard, who are deeply in love 406 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,919 Speaker 1: and committed to growing together, but working through very different 407 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 1: communication styles. This is something I see quite often in 408 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,880 Speaker 1: my work with couples and can be incredibly frustrating Without 409 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:34,159 Speaker 1: a solution for this, I offer the XYZ method, a 410 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:38,800 Speaker 1: simple framework for expressing needs without blame or judgment. It 411 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:44,400 Speaker 1: goes like this, when you X, I feel why how 412 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,639 Speaker 1: can we work together to get to Z? Let me 413 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: share a moment where I introduce this framework to Jeremy 414 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:51,040 Speaker 1: and Richard. 415 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:51,960 Speaker 2: The challenges. 416 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,639 Speaker 1: As humans, we all internalize all statements. So most people 417 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,480 Speaker 1: when they hear this statement you don't understand me. What 418 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:02,680 Speaker 1: we hear is you're not an understanding person. Right, I'm 419 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 1: not an understanding person. And then what the person on 420 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: the receiving end does is think of all the ways 421 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,359 Speaker 1: in which they are an understanding person. Hey By, But 422 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:12,360 Speaker 1: wait a minute, I understood when you had that doctors. 423 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,359 Speaker 1: Wait wait a minute, I understood when we were with JA. 424 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,920 Speaker 1: It's like, no, the way you want to share it 425 00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:22,159 Speaker 1: is very specific. When you do X, I feel why 426 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: how can we get to Z? We can use this 427 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 1: framework that is evolved from many solution focused therapies to 428 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: be really specific. 429 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 2: Right. 430 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 1: That's how we want to try and have that conversation 431 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: moving forward, because the other challenge we all say to 432 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,360 Speaker 1: our partners is we all say, you always do this, 433 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,159 Speaker 1: and you never do that, right. You always leave the 434 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,879 Speaker 1: dishes unclean, you never organize vacations for us to go on, 435 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: And so we speak in finality and completeness as opposed 436 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 1: to when you leave the dishes uncleaned, very specific when 437 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:03,000 Speaker 1: not always not when you leave the dishes uncleaned. I 438 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:07,399 Speaker 1: feel you don't value me, whereas you could have just 439 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 1: said that you don't make me feel valued, and that 440 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:13,040 Speaker 1: lands completely differently. You just don't value me, And now 441 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 1: the person, what do you mean I don't value I 442 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,240 Speaker 1: just made you coffee this morning, I took the dog 443 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: for a walk, I cooked as. 444 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 2: Dinner last night. 445 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:20,919 Speaker 1: What do you mean like, no, you don't value me, 446 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,359 Speaker 1: the dishes were unclean last night, and now you've already 447 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,600 Speaker 1: lost the argument when you do X, I feel why 448 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 1: what you're doing is you're taking accountability for your feeling 449 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 1: and you're being specific to clear up when you feel 450 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,840 Speaker 1: that way, and then the person gets an opportunity to 451 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,520 Speaker 1: explain how those two things are not connected. So what 452 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:44,920 Speaker 1: I want you to do, Richard, is I want you 453 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: to express something to Jeremy. You may have done something before. 454 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,920 Speaker 1: I want you to take something you shared in anger 455 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,960 Speaker 1: or flippantly, or something you shared without this process. Maybe 456 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 1: you said you don't value me. Maybe you said you're 457 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 1: careless with money, and I want you to now say 458 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:04,640 Speaker 1: it with this new rhythm, a new script. 459 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 8: I was just kind of thinking about, like when that 460 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:11,080 Speaker 8: typically happens, it's usually around like cleaning the house. 461 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:15,479 Speaker 5: On That's where my mind went to first. And I'm 462 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 5: a very clean person. 463 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,440 Speaker 8: I just want to state for the record, but he's 464 00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 8: freakishly obsessively clean. I don't think you're a dirty person 465 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:28,400 Speaker 8: at all. I think you can be messy. And when 466 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:33,280 Speaker 8: I spend a lot of time making our house nice 467 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,800 Speaker 8: and clean and lovely, like a hotel. 468 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 5: I and when. 469 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: So yeah, so now I want to use the script. 470 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 1: So how would Richard have said that before today? How 471 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 1: would Richard have said that? How would you say this 472 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,200 Speaker 1: without the script? 473 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 5: God, why can't you just wipe that up? You're a 474 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 5: dirty slob? 475 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 8: Or like God, I just cleaned up, deep cleaned the 476 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,960 Speaker 8: whole house, and like you're you know, making a sound 477 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 8: when you can't even wipe up the crumbs. 478 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,800 Speaker 5: He will get bothered by me eating food after he's 479 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,040 Speaker 5: going to deep clean. 480 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,520 Speaker 8: But like, I don't mind, just like wipe down the counter, 481 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:16,680 Speaker 8: there's like crumbs. How would you set when when you 482 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 8: do these kind of things? Do you when you leave 483 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 8: the crumbs on the counter after I cleaned? 484 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 5: I deep cleaned our home. 485 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 8: I feel like you don't value the love and work 486 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 8: that I put into our household to make it nice 487 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:38,160 Speaker 8: for us. 488 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:43,200 Speaker 5: So how do we get to the Z? 489 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 2: Yeah? What can we do? 490 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: Well? 491 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:47,320 Speaker 2: What do you need at that point to get to Z? 492 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,320 Speaker 8: Well, in order for me to get to ZEE, I 493 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 8: would want you to be more mindful when you've noticed 494 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 8: that I took a lot of time out of my 495 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 8: day to make our home the way it is. Sure, Yeah, 496 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,640 Speaker 8: that so much better, though, That would make me feel valued. 497 00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 8: Sure that you know you appreciate all the hard work 498 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:12,200 Speaker 8: that I. 499 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:13,400 Speaker 5: Do for our household. 500 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:17,280 Speaker 1: Here's where we take that XYZ method and apply it 501 00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: in real time. So what makes the XYZ method so 502 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:24,719 Speaker 1: powerful isn't just the words themselves. It's the space it 503 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:29,960 Speaker 1: creates between reaction and understanding. So often in relationships, we 504 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,320 Speaker 1: think we're arguing about the behavior, but what we're really 505 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 1: fighting is the meaning we've attached to it. The moment 506 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:41,640 Speaker 1: we assume intention, the conversation becomes about who's right instead 507 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:45,720 Speaker 1: of what's true. The XYZ method helps us untangle that. 508 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:52,320 Speaker 1: When you X anchors us in observation, not interpretation, it 509 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 1: asks us to describe what happened, not what we think 510 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 1: it says about our partner. When you say I feel why, 511 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: it reminds us that emotions are not weapons, they're signals. 512 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: And when we take responsibility for our feelings, we stop 513 00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:12,480 Speaker 1: asking our partner to defend themselves and instead invite them 514 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:16,479 Speaker 1: to understand us. Finally, when you say how can we 515 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 1: get to Z? That shifts the energy completely. It transforms 516 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 1: conflict from a courtroom into a collaboration. For this exercise, 517 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:29,120 Speaker 1: think of a point of frustration in your relationship and 518 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,760 Speaker 1: attempt to communicate with the other person using the XYZ model. 519 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,400 Speaker 1: Make sure you feel heard, then create the space for 520 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,840 Speaker 1: the other person to do the same. Let's talk about 521 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:45,200 Speaker 1: something that sounds simple but quietly determines whether a relationship 522 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:51,040 Speaker 1: deepens or deteriorates. Communicating your feelings, not your opinions, not 523 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 1: your analysis, not your sarcasm, your feelings. But here's the truth. 524 00:32:56,400 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 1: Most people think they're communicating their feelings when they're actually 525 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 1: communicating their conclusions, and those are very different things. When 526 00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 1: something hurts, most of us don't say I felt ignored. 527 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:13,360 Speaker 1: We say you never listen. When we feel insecure, we 528 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:17,560 Speaker 1: don't say I'm feeling anxious, we say you don't care. 529 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:22,920 Speaker 1: That shift from feeling to accusation changes everything. Here's the 530 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:27,000 Speaker 1: hard question. Ask yourself, when I'm hurt, do I communicate 531 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:31,560 Speaker 1: to be understood or do I communicate to win? Because 532 00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: these two intentions create completely different outcomes. And our final 533 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:39,800 Speaker 1: principle today comes from my conversation with Justin and Gladys. 534 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:44,160 Speaker 1: Lasting change feels overwhelming when we think in terms of forever, 535 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,160 Speaker 1: but when we focus on just thirty days, trust becomes 536 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 1: achievable again through small, consistent actions. So what I suggest 537 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 1: to them is to create a thirty day agreement. 538 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 2: Sharing a moment. 539 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 1: Now where I introduce this idea to just in a 540 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,840 Speaker 1: glad is as you listen, notice how the energy shifts 541 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,240 Speaker 1: when the focus moves from forever to just the next 542 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: thirty days. For the remainder of this session, I want 543 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:15,680 Speaker 1: to focus in on creating what I see as a 544 00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:19,240 Speaker 1: thirty day agreement that you both make together that becomes 545 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,799 Speaker 1: a rolling agreement, which is an agreement to everything that 546 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:26,360 Speaker 1: you both just mentioned, the growth, the love, the connection. 547 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,840 Speaker 2: But we want to do it with practical terminology. 548 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,800 Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is, well, how often 549 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: do we want to talk, what do we want to 550 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,920 Speaker 1: talk about? How often do we want to meet and connect? 551 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:41,480 Speaker 1: Let's structure that. Let's create what our current boundaries are 552 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 1: and where we want to stop them, because what we 553 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,880 Speaker 1: don't want it to become is that right now you 554 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,359 Speaker 1: both feel really clear that it's not time to get 555 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,000 Speaker 1: back together. It would be too early, it would be 556 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,520 Speaker 1: too rushed, it would be too forced. And we want 557 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: to get to a point where we don't rush into 558 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,879 Speaker 1: it or fall into those moments. But that you both 559 00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:01,759 Speaker 1: are able to progress, and so I want you to 560 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,080 Speaker 1: talk about what a thirty day agreement would look like. 561 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,160 Speaker 1: It's like, what are we both signing up for in 562 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:09,400 Speaker 1: terms of time for connection, in terms of space, in 563 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,520 Speaker 1: terms of how often we're getting together, and in terms 564 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:14,800 Speaker 1: of whatever our boundaries. So we okay, we may spend 565 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:16,759 Speaker 1: one or two three days together in a row, but 566 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:19,120 Speaker 1: then gonna need two days off, like I'm gonna you know, 567 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:22,360 Speaker 1: whatever it is, and then that can change. That agreement 568 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,239 Speaker 1: becomes something that you come back to, but actually the 569 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,360 Speaker 1: next thirty days, I'm willing to spend one more day together. 570 00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 1: And it becomes like that guideline I gave you for 571 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,520 Speaker 1: the three part communication. It's that whenever emotions take over 572 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,120 Speaker 1: in either direction, you have something to turn to and 573 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,799 Speaker 1: you both keep each other accountable to that you're not 574 00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:41,160 Speaker 1: making a commitment for the next twelve months. It's a 575 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: thirty day agreement that again, what I would encourage you 576 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 1: to do in thirty days is to sit down and 577 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:49,920 Speaker 1: do this again together as if I was there, and say, Okay, well, 578 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,680 Speaker 1: this is what went well, this is what didn't work. 579 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,080 Speaker 1: Maybe we didn't spend enough time together, Maybe we just 580 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: spent too much time together, maybe there was this, and 581 00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:59,839 Speaker 1: so then you create a new agreement and it's thirty days, 582 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,839 Speaker 1: which means you're not signing a contract for life or 583 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: I think that's sometimes what's so hard about relationships. As 584 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,680 Speaker 1: we make these big decisions, we're like, oh, we're just 585 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:10,200 Speaker 1: going to move back in together and figure it out, 586 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:12,640 Speaker 1: and it's like, well, okay, well what does that look 587 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,040 Speaker 1: like in thirty days and sixty days? And so this 588 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,520 Speaker 1: patient approach is healthier for Laer, it's healthier for both 589 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,040 Speaker 1: of you, as you've both talked about. And so if 590 00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:24,280 Speaker 1: right now you're both signing up to no other romantic partners, 591 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,080 Speaker 1: it's a thirty day agreement. If that changes in ninety days, 592 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,000 Speaker 1: it's something you can update each other on and move on. 593 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,240 Speaker 1: But at least there's clarity and you both have a 594 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:33,640 Speaker 1: transparent approach to it. 595 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,600 Speaker 6: I agree, Yeah, I don't know why imagining it has 596 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,480 Speaker 6: to be like a three page agreement. 597 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 1: You know, to be honest, the simpler and the less 598 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,200 Speaker 1: the better. To me, it's not about how many points 599 00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:48,040 Speaker 1: you have on it. It's more about having the key 600 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,040 Speaker 1: things that move the needle for both of you and 601 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:54,040 Speaker 1: checking in with how you feel. So yeah, I would 602 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,960 Speaker 1: say I would like you both to like write this 603 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,600 Speaker 1: out in your words together. It would be a great 604 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 1: activity to do together as your homework, print it out, 605 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,239 Speaker 1: keep it somewhere really really clear. Or you both have 606 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,919 Speaker 1: the same print out the same words you've chosen those 607 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 1: words together, and ideas for each as well. You know, 608 00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:16,000 Speaker 1: you may find that going out for brunch and dinner 609 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,560 Speaker 1: is nice, but then you want to add other activities 610 00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:22,279 Speaker 1: and things and trips or whatever else that includes. I 611 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,080 Speaker 1: think getting language downright so that you both feel really 612 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:27,919 Speaker 1: clear about it and you know what you're honoring would 613 00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,440 Speaker 1: be something I would recommend you both do after this together. 614 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:31,839 Speaker 2: Does that feel good? 615 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:32,799 Speaker 6: This feels really good. 616 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:37,239 Speaker 1: The beauty of the thirty day contract isn't in grand promises. 617 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:42,359 Speaker 1: It's in small, consistent actions that rebuild trust slowly and intentionally. 618 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: Trust isn't restored through intensity, It's restored through repetition. Here's 619 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,040 Speaker 1: an exercise. Create a thirty day contract with the other 620 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:54,719 Speaker 1: person in your relationship. In the agreement, be short to 621 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:59,120 Speaker 1: include these three things. One, identify your core pillars, what 622 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,040 Speaker 1: are integral to the relationship, what they are, and what 623 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:06,440 Speaker 1: they mean to you. Two set realistic commitments and boundaries 624 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:10,440 Speaker 1: that you both feel good about. Number three, revisit and 625 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 1: renew your agreement regularly. This is a working document and 626 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:17,920 Speaker 1: not a one undone deal. These five principles are just 627 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: a few of the powerful insights you'll hear in my 628 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:24,440 Speaker 1: audible original Messy Love. For much more where that came from, 629 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,920 Speaker 1: please check out Messy Love exclusively on Audible. Check it 630 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:31,440 Speaker 1: out at audible dot com, forward slash messy Loove. Thank 631 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:34,239 Speaker 1: you for listening. Remember I'm forever in your corner and 632 00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:35,480 Speaker 1: always rooting for you.