WEBVTT - Get Back Hellcat: Motherf*ckin Mini Episode

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<v Speaker 1>Motherfucking many years old mini episode. Motherfucking mini episode. Yeah, yeah, yep,

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<v Speaker 1>there it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

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<v Speaker 1>to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me, the

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<v Speaker 1>podcast where we die deep deep into the pockets of

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<v Speaker 1>black conspiracy theories and we finally worked to prove the

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<v Speaker 1>theories that you the listener have at home. That's right,

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<v Speaker 1>motherfucker's this a mini episode, a motherfucking mini episode, And

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<v Speaker 1>just like all the many episodes, a true tradition we've

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<v Speaker 1>built here is that I get to hear from youth

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<v Speaker 1>of fans and and unpack the conspiracy theories that you've

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<v Speaker 1>been kicking around, the ones that you weird freaks funk

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<v Speaker 1>around in. And boy, oh boy, is this a fun

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<v Speaker 1>weird one. This is a nice, interesting conspiracy theory that

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<v Speaker 1>came to me. It was sent to me, and and

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<v Speaker 1>it came from a person who introduced herself by a

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<v Speaker 1>name that is not the name from her email. Does

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<v Speaker 1>that mean that she's writing from a different person's email

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<v Speaker 1>or is she giving me a pseudonym? It's hard to

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<v Speaker 1>know either way. I'm going to play her conspiracy theory

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<v Speaker 1>for you. Now, what a blank to in my name

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<v Speaker 1>is Phoebe. I just wanted to look into a theory

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<v Speaker 1>my mom has had my whole life, well, more like

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<v Speaker 1>a phobia. She is deathly afraid of cats. Yes, cats,

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<v Speaker 1>small fuzzy feline friends that live in the home. Pets. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>she thinks. Has told me many many times that cants

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<v Speaker 1>will steal your soul, that thing they do when they're

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<v Speaker 1>pressing into your body and looking up into your eyes.

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<v Speaker 1>She's like, that's them, that's that's them thinking about it

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<v Speaker 1>to try to take your soul. To figure out how

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<v Speaker 1>to take it. Now, in her older age, I've gotten

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<v Speaker 1>her to admit that there might have been a movie,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe a Stephen King's story made in the in the eighties,

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<v Speaker 1>that involved this, But I think she had the belief

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<v Speaker 1>before that, and I think that movie just reinforced her fear.

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<v Speaker 1>So I would love if you would look into this,

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<v Speaker 1>if it's just from that story, that Stephen King movie,

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<v Speaker 1>if that movie even exists, or if this is an

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<v Speaker 1>older thing to be like, you know, cats are not

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<v Speaker 1>to be trusted. Love the show piece. Okay, Well, thank

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<v Speaker 1>you so much, Phoebe. If that is in fact your

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<v Speaker 1>real name, I am very excited about this conspiracy theory,

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<v Speaker 1>because you know what, my wife actually holds the exact

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<v Speaker 1>same theory. She there's a cat that I think, I

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<v Speaker 1>believe it's straight, that lives in our neighborhood, and every

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<v Speaker 1>time she sees it, she says, that motherfucker's evil. She

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<v Speaker 1>she hisses at it. She's very cruel to this cat,

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<v Speaker 1>and she's cruel to all cats. She's an unkind person

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<v Speaker 1>and someone should shoot her in the knee. But the

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<v Speaker 1>point is she has long maintained that cats steal people's souls,

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<v Speaker 1>and even when I asked her where this comes from,

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<v Speaker 1>it's all. It seems irrational, it seems completely unfounded. And

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<v Speaker 1>so based on your suggestion, I decided to do some research.

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<v Speaker 1>I did some deep digging, and what I found is

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<v Speaker 1>there are a fair amount of cultural and historical examples

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<v Speaker 1>of people making this exact same claim. Your mother, Phoebe

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<v Speaker 1>is not as crazy as you think. For example, the

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<v Speaker 1>Highland people of Scotland believe in a cat sithe that

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<v Speaker 1>is basically like a demonic version of traditional cats. It's

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<v Speaker 1>as large as a dog and very very black. That

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<v Speaker 1>seems to be an ongoing theme with things that people

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<v Speaker 1>call evil. But I won't. I won't get too hung

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<v Speaker 1>up on UH on the racial implications there, but very

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<v Speaker 1>very black with a white stamp on its chest. And

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<v Speaker 1>many believe this cat is actually which or or that

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<v Speaker 1>these types of cats are witches who have the ability

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<v Speaker 1>to transform nine different times in their lifes man in

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<v Speaker 1>order to you guessed it, suck out the souls of

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<v Speaker 1>unsuspecting victims. They also believe that this cat sith can

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<v Speaker 1>steal the soul of the dead before God can claim them.

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<v Speaker 1>That they can basically stand next to UH, next to

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<v Speaker 1>a dead body and get a leftover soul. That's sort

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<v Speaker 1>of lingering around now, Why a soul would just hang

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<v Speaker 1>out in a dead body? No idea to keep moving soul?

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<v Speaker 1>What the funk are you? Did? This? Starting to feel

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<v Speaker 1>a little like necrophilia? You sick freak. Get out of there,

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<v Speaker 1>go do go do untethered soul ship you loser. Anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>this forced UH, the the the Highland people to take

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<v Speaker 1>extra steps to protect they're dead. They basically would would

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<v Speaker 1>guard these bodies and extinguish fires nearby so that the

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<v Speaker 1>the cat sith couldn't find the dead bodies, and they

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<v Speaker 1>even went so far as to put cat nip in

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<v Speaker 1>their homes while the funerals were going on, in order

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<v Speaker 1>to basically distract the cats that and keep them from

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<v Speaker 1>finding the dead. There are also records of them performing

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<v Speaker 1>some pretty fucked up rituals called tagger tag arm. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know how to say this. I'm not Scottish, nor

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<v Speaker 1>do I want to be. They sound silly, but tag

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<v Speaker 1>aram or what is in English translated to giving supper

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<v Speaker 1>to the devil, where cats were roasted alive. You heard

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<v Speaker 1>me right, They roasted cats alive on a spit in

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<v Speaker 1>order to conjure the devil, who was then compelled to

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<v Speaker 1>grant them a wish. To those brave enough to perform

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<v Speaker 1>this ceremony, they were burning fucking cats so that they

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<v Speaker 1>could they could get their friend, the devil, to to

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<v Speaker 1>give them wishes. There they were interesting people, the Highland people,

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<v Speaker 1>and I hope I never get to meet them. They're

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<v Speaker 1>also English superstition, and this is the one that I

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<v Speaker 1>think it's most common in America. There's an English superstition

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<v Speaker 1>which I know has carried into modern times that cats

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<v Speaker 1>steal baby's breath. We've all heard it. The belief is

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<v Speaker 1>either that because of jealousy or the smell of titty

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<v Speaker 1>milk on the baby's lips. The cat will intentionally suffocate

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<v Speaker 1>a new baby in the house while they're sleeping. Did

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<v Speaker 1>they love titty milk? Apparently, and they're willing to murder

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<v Speaker 1>for it. They're willing to kill a newborn baby for

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<v Speaker 1>some sweet titty milk. And wouldn't we all who wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>want some titty milk? And who wouldn't kill a baby

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<v Speaker 1>for that titty milk? Now, this theory the widespread that actually,

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<v Speaker 1>in not in sevente all the way back in a

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<v Speaker 1>jury at the Corners in quest in Plymouth, England, found

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<v Speaker 1>a cat guilty of killing a baby in this way. Similarly,

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<v Speaker 1>in nine in the Nebraska State Journal printed an alleged

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<v Speaker 1>report from a doctor who said he'd witness the house

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<v Speaker 1>cat lying on the baby's breasts U Paul on either

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<v Speaker 1>side of the baby's mouth. The cats live, pressing those

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<v Speaker 1>of the child. In the infant's face as pale as

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<v Speaker 1>that of the corpse, its lips with the blueness of death.

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<v Speaker 1>That basically that cat was sucking the soul out that baby. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>this continues in Iceland. There's a legend of of a

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<v Speaker 1>creature called the Yule cat that basically eats humans who

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<v Speaker 1>do not have on fancy new clothes during the Christmas holiday.

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<v Speaker 1>Basically Christmas time comes. If you're still as bummy as

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<v Speaker 1>you were before the holidays started, you getting eaten by

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<v Speaker 1>the Yule cat. If you're a bummy bitch, you're a

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<v Speaker 1>kitty dish. That's the deal up. In Iceland, in the

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<v Speaker 1>Middle Ages, it was commonly believed that cats were connected

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<v Speaker 1>to Satan, that they were like friends with Satan, so

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<v Speaker 1>much so that they believed that cats were solely responsible

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<v Speaker 1>for the bubonic plague, which killed nearly sixty percent of

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<v Speaker 1>the population around the world. It killed a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>motherfucker's and these niggas thought that cats were more dangerous

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<v Speaker 1>than thanos. You understand, sixty percent better than fifty. That's

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<v Speaker 1>just mat and I, as you know, am a mathematician.

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<v Speaker 1>Along with being a comedian and a future father, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>a mathematician first, that is that is the core of

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<v Speaker 1>who I am. A mathematician. And so like the Avengers,

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<v Speaker 1>these people believed that cats were so terrible that they

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<v Speaker 1>teamed up to beat the ship out of cats and

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<v Speaker 1>murder them in the streets. There was there was a

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<v Speaker 1>mass murder of kitty cats because they believed that were

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<v Speaker 1>responsible for the the plague that took over the world. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>the irony of all of this, if any of you

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<v Speaker 1>have studied history much like me, I'm also a historian, mathematician, uh, comedian,

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<v Speaker 1>future father, and of course historian that's number four, but

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<v Speaker 1>number four historian. Those of you that have studied history

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<v Speaker 1>know that the bubonic plague was actually started by a

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<v Speaker 1>disease spread through rats, which cats probably could have helped

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<v Speaker 1>stop if they weren't getting slaughtered by a bunch of

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<v Speaker 1>cat devil weirdos. You know what I mean? Were you

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<v Speaker 1>gonna put a halt to this if we would have

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<v Speaker 1>kept our eye on the ball on this one. But

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<v Speaker 1>that's neither here nor there. They did what they had

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<v Speaker 1>to do and it worked out perfectly for the whites.

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<v Speaker 1>Say anyway, On a less tragic note, there are some

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<v Speaker 1>members of the Buddhist community who believe that cats actually

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<v Speaker 1>are vessels for human souls, that they're not stealing human souls,

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<v Speaker 1>but actually a human soul is where it is stored

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<v Speaker 1>inside of a kidty cat like an urn after you die.

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<v Speaker 1>Not so much it's stealing, but it's borrowing it until

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<v Speaker 1>you your soul is ready to ascend to paradise. Uh And,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's that's kind of nice. That's a sweet feeling

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<v Speaker 1>that I probably could leave the episode with. I could

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<v Speaker 1>leave you with that information, but I want to leave

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<v Speaker 1>you with one more thing, because I I read. I

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<v Speaker 1>went on Cora, which, as we all know, is not

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<v Speaker 1>the best place to find information, but it is the

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<v Speaker 1>best place to find sass answers. And somebody on Cora

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<v Speaker 1>asked this exact same question that you're asking for, be

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<v Speaker 1>about whether or not cats steal souls, and they the

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<v Speaker 1>best response I found one that I really enjoyed. It said,

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<v Speaker 1>do cats steal human souls? And somebody said, I find

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<v Speaker 1>the best way to lose your soul is to go

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<v Speaker 1>on Cora and ask a really stupid question. You're clearly

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<v Speaker 1>suffering from the same problem, but I'm sure the question

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<v Speaker 1>you ask has done the trick for you. It's certainly

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<v Speaker 1>stupid enough. And boy, oh boy, is that the kind

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<v Speaker 1>of healthy dialogue that I think we all need. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>a nice person goes on the Internet and ask about

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<v Speaker 1>something that haunts their dreams, and then an even uh,

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<v Speaker 1>an even nicer man goes, you're a fucking idiot, stay

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<v Speaker 1>off the internet. And I don't know who's right or

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<v Speaker 1>who's wrong in this situation, but I bet we can

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<v Speaker 1>figure it out, you know. I bet if we put

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<v Speaker 1>our heads together, we'll figure it out. So to answer

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<v Speaker 1>your question of Phoebe, I think there's a fair amount

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<v Speaker 1>of evidence that that cats don't that that cats at

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<v Speaker 1>least have a a toxic history, shall we say, within

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<v Speaker 1>a toxic relationship with with humans and and the human world,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what I mean. Even if they're not stealing souls,

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<v Speaker 1>they're not to be trusted. And I like cats, but

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<v Speaker 1>I don't trust the motherfucker's I keep my eye on

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<v Speaker 1>a kitty cat, you know what I mean. I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>just gonna let them keep hanging out regular around me. Anyway.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that answered everything that you needed to know.

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<v Speaker 1>That certainly was a lot of information. Not sure how

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<v Speaker 1>much of it was helpful. But if you want to

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<v Speaker 1>ask me a question about murderous animals and get relatively

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<v Speaker 1>unhelpful answers about it, you can send me those questions

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<v Speaker 1>and those conspiracy theories to my mama pot at gmail

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<v Speaker 1>dot com. I would love to hear from you. Also

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<v Speaker 1>subscribe to the podcast review the podcast Jesus Christ, How

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<v Speaker 1>many times do I have to keep telling you fucker's this?

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<v Speaker 1>Are you trying to upset me? Are you trying to

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<v Speaker 1>turn me into a person who rages deep into the night.

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<v Speaker 1>Come on, people, the time is now, you know anyway, Bye, bitch.

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<v Speaker 1>Motherfucking many years, so many years, so, motherfucking many years. So,

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<v Speaker 1>motherfucking many years, so many years, motherfucking many years. So