WEBVTT - “I AM A CLOWN STRIPPER” 0:00:02.290 --> 0:00:02.550 Hello? 0:00:03.490 --> 0:00:03.890 Hello. 0:00:06.590 --> 0:00:06.990 Howdy. 0:00:07.670 --> 0:00:08.860 What's up, dog? What's your name? 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:11.540 I'm Hope. How's it going? 0:00:12.119 --> 0:00:20.460 Hope. It's going good. I feel refreshed. I feel alive. 0:00:20.540 --> 0:00:25.099 I feel refreshed, too. What's making you feel refreshed? 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:29.840 I'm in Seattle right now visiting my two best friends 0:00:30.380 --> 0:00:33.200 and There's something about being around these two people that 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:36.430 I love so much because I feel so, like, inspired 0:00:36.530 --> 0:00:37.030 around them. 0:00:37.390 --> 0:00:37.669 That's sweet. 0:00:37.729 --> 0:00:40.470 And I feel like... Yeah, I feel like everything is 0:00:40.750 --> 0:00:41.970 meant to be when I'm with them. 0:00:42.550 --> 0:00:46.690 That's nice. That's a good... Yeah. You know, that's alignment 0:00:47.010 --> 0:00:47.890 right there. That's good. 0:00:48.930 --> 0:00:51.849 Totally. I feel like I'm still young and I've met 0:00:51.890 --> 0:00:55.670 people who I align with so closely. I feel very lucky. 0:00:55.790 --> 0:00:56.710 What did you want to talk about today? 0:00:58.570 --> 0:01:04.420 Um... So I left you a message about I've been 0:01:04.450 --> 0:01:09.660 kind of performing a social experiment on myself where I 0:01:10.819 --> 0:01:13.399 spent a lot of time in my life feeling like 0:01:14.819 --> 0:01:19.250 incredibly insecure and like I didn't like myself a lot. 0:01:19.610 --> 0:01:24.990 And when I was like 21, I finally lost my 0:01:25.030 --> 0:01:29.690 virginity and I realized like, That I didn't need to 0:01:29.709 --> 0:01:33.210 be insecure about myself and my body. Because I let 0:01:33.290 --> 0:01:38.930 other people have bodies and be people. And. 0:01:41.330 --> 0:01:44.480 For some reason, I didn't give myself that grace. And 0:01:44.500 --> 0:01:47.680 it became this weird thing after that where I, like, 0:01:47.780 --> 0:01:50.500 went into... And I'm still in a really, really deep, like, 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:54.800 ho phase. And I'm realizing that, like.... 0:01:57.280 --> 0:01:57.600 Being. 0:01:58.670 --> 0:02:01.990 I keep saying being a whore has cured my social anxiety. 0:02:03.170 --> 0:02:07.690 Interesting. Go ahead. You sound like you got a lot 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:09.460 to say. I'm going to let you finish before I 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:10.220 ask any questions. 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:13.620 Oh, man. I have way too much to say about it. 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:16.480 I've written about it. I've talked to my friends about it. 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:20.639 Because genuinely, I feel like it's deepened my connections with 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:22.360 my friends. The first thing I said to you on 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.320 the phone was, I love my friends. And I don't 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:30.130 think that a year ago... I would have felt so 0:02:31.070 --> 0:02:35.210 willing to express my deep love for them because I 0:02:35.650 --> 0:02:37.370 felt so unsure of myself. 0:02:38.070 --> 0:02:41.670 Wait, so what was it about losing your virginity that, 0:02:42.090 --> 0:02:45.060 and correct me if I'm misquoting you, but you said 0:02:45.090 --> 0:02:51.720 losing your virginity made you feel more confident about yourself 0:02:51.780 --> 0:02:52.380 is what you're saying. 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:53.900 Yeah. 0:02:53.980 --> 0:02:54.720 Well, okay. 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:59.609 More context is that like I grew up, like a 0:02:59.690 --> 0:03:04.180 fat girl and I felt incredibly undesirable for the majority 0:03:04.220 --> 0:03:08.060 of my life. And I felt like I was never 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.680 going to be desired or loved in that way. And 0:03:10.740 --> 0:03:14.980 I also did feel like the, the impacts of how 0:03:15.020 --> 0:03:16.799 people treat you differently. 0:03:16.300 --> 0:03:21.700 Versus how they treat people who look more conventionally attractive. 0:03:22.300 --> 0:03:25.700 And that bogged my, my self image down so much. 0:03:27.450 --> 0:03:33.260 And then I realized that, like, sex is so human 0:03:33.900 --> 0:03:38.520 and so natural. And, like, it's really just two bodies 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:41.560 slamming into each other. And I don't think anything of 0:03:41.620 --> 0:03:44.620 their body. Why would I think anything of mine? 0:03:46.530 --> 0:03:54.810 Huh. So, like, the... You don't think anything of their body... 0:03:55.170 --> 0:03:57.570 So why would I think anything of mine? 0:03:57.590 --> 0:03:59.070 Uh-huh. 0:04:00.330 --> 0:04:04.950 Do you, when you're having sex with someone, or like, 0:04:04.970 --> 0:04:06.630 do you experience attraction? 0:04:08.470 --> 0:04:11.650 Yes, I do. But I don't analyze their body in 0:04:11.690 --> 0:04:14.330 the way that I analyze mine. Because like, when I 0:04:14.370 --> 0:04:17.370 look in the mirror, I can point out a million 0:04:17.430 --> 0:04:20.720 things that I wish were different. But when I look 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:24.040 at someone that I'm having sex with, all I think 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:28.820 is like, this is great. They look great. I like this. 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:32.350 This is fun. And I don't psychoanalyze anything. I don't 0:04:32.430 --> 0:04:33.710 analyze anything. 0:04:34.370 --> 0:04:34.630 Yeah. 0:04:34.670 --> 0:04:34.910 Okay. 0:04:34.930 --> 0:04:36.870 No, I see. That makes sense to me. It's like, okay, 0:04:36.930 --> 0:04:40.969 why am I looking at my, if I'm not picking apart, 0:04:42.070 --> 0:04:46.380 so things with somebody else, why would I then be 0:04:46.420 --> 0:04:48.980 picking apart things about myself? 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:50.320 Yeah. 0:04:50.660 --> 0:04:53.590 A hundred percent. And for some reason it, it not 0:04:53.690 --> 0:04:56.510 only has translated to like, I feel more willing to like, 0:04:56.970 --> 0:05:00.410 like it was Halloween and I like felt very comfortable 0:05:00.470 --> 0:05:02.490 dressing like a hoe and like having my ass out 0:05:02.510 --> 0:05:06.600 and stuff. Whereas like before I would have never felt 0:05:06.650 --> 0:05:09.440 comfortable doing something like that. I would have spent the 0:05:09.500 --> 0:05:13.680 entire night wanting to like cover myself up or afraid 0:05:13.700 --> 0:05:17.460 that people were looking at me. And now it's like, 0:05:17.580 --> 0:05:21.800 I want that. I welcome that. Uh, so I've had 0:05:21.860 --> 0:05:24.810 like a, a big mindset shift where I'm willing to 0:05:24.850 --> 0:05:26.730 be a hoe and I'm willing to dress like a 0:05:26.770 --> 0:05:33.370 hoe and like sleep around. And because it's like, I 0:05:33.390 --> 0:05:34.970 don't know. It's like tearing down a wall. 0:05:36.570 --> 0:05:37.830 What, what is the wall? 0:05:39.730 --> 0:05:41.730 I think the wall was that I spent the most 0:05:41.970 --> 0:05:43.650 majority of my life hating myself. 0:05:46.390 --> 0:05:50.370 And what, and what is it about sleeping around that's 0:05:50.430 --> 0:05:56.450 making you hate yourself? Less. Is it like the feeling 0:05:56.470 --> 0:06:05.750 of like your... Is it this feeling of like, oh, 0:06:05.770 --> 0:06:09.760 I'm engaging with another person in such a way that 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:13.339 makes me feel better about engaging with myself? 0:06:15.339 --> 0:06:20.770 I think it's that it makes me feel human and flawed. 0:06:21.640 --> 0:06:24.520 in a way that I let other people be human 0:06:24.580 --> 0:06:27.880 and flawed, but I've never like given myself the grace 0:06:27.980 --> 0:06:35.620 to like, I, the, the first time that like when 0:06:35.660 --> 0:06:37.839 I lost my virginity, I had a lot of fear 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:40.440 about like, I didn't take my shirt off when I 0:06:40.550 --> 0:06:43.250 first had sex. And I said, I'm not going to 0:06:43.290 --> 0:06:45.650 do that. And then the second time I had sex, 0:06:45.950 --> 0:06:48.690 I was willing to be fully naked. And then afterwards 0:06:48.770 --> 0:06:52.950 I wasn't like, I remember thinking, like, very meta at 0:06:53.010 --> 0:06:56.010 the time that it was happening, like, Dan, last time 0:06:56.070 --> 0:06:59.089 I did this, I couldn't take off my shirt, and 0:06:59.130 --> 0:07:01.810 now I'm laying here naked, and I'm not clutching myself 0:07:01.890 --> 0:07:06.969 at shame. And I'm letting that person's body be a body, 0:07:07.130 --> 0:07:10.020 and I'm letting my body be a body, and I'm not. 0:07:11.740 --> 0:07:12.100 Afraid. 0:07:13.100 --> 0:07:19.600 It sounds like an exposure therapy of some kind. 0:07:19.660 --> 0:07:19.800 Yes. 0:07:21.840 --> 0:07:29.840 Like you're allowing your body to be perceived and then 0:07:30.180 --> 0:07:35.550 in real time realizing that it's not as frightening as 0:07:35.670 --> 0:07:37.990 you imagined it would be. 0:07:39.250 --> 0:07:41.870 Exactly. Like it was never that serious. 0:07:42.370 --> 0:07:42.830 Sure. 0:07:43.210 --> 0:07:46.850 And I spent so much of my life thinking that 0:07:47.830 --> 0:07:50.850 It was that serious, and I was never going to 0:07:51.030 --> 0:07:53.910 live life the way that I thought other people lived 0:07:53.930 --> 0:07:54.410 their life. 0:07:55.470 --> 0:08:02.030 So you texted me and you said, you also said, 0:08:02.050 --> 0:08:06.720 I am realizing five years later that being a hoe 0:08:06.940 --> 0:08:09.160 is damaging in new ways. 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:14.059 So, yeah, that's the other thing. There's a flip side 0:08:14.100 --> 0:08:19.060 to this. I think is, well, I haven't, what I 0:08:19.100 --> 0:08:21.160 mean by that is not, it has been five years, 0:08:21.260 --> 0:08:24.040 but there's potential for five years from now. 0:08:24.820 --> 0:08:28.360 I could regret it. Okay. I thought I see when 0:08:28.380 --> 0:08:30.280 I read that message, I thought that it was like, 0:08:31.740 --> 0:08:37.530 you've like, this has been a, um, experience of this 0:08:37.550 --> 0:08:40.450 has been a, uh, okay. You framed it initially as 0:08:40.490 --> 0:08:41.670 a social experiment. 0:08:42.630 --> 0:08:42.770 Yeah. 0:08:43.460 --> 0:08:46.180 And my thought was that this was a social experiment 0:08:46.200 --> 0:08:48.080 you began conducting five years ago. 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.170 It's been a year. So I've been doing this for 0:08:52.190 --> 0:08:55.069 a year. But I do think that, like, if I, 0:08:55.230 --> 0:08:58.410 you know, as I get older and, like, my brain 0:08:58.450 --> 0:09:03.780 develops more or whatever, that I could look back and 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:10.050 feel a lot of regret for sleeping around or... allowing 0:09:10.130 --> 0:09:13.270 myself to be used, even though in a way I 0:09:13.309 --> 0:09:17.069 feel like I'm more so using other people for my 0:09:17.150 --> 0:09:25.950 social experiment. But yeah, I think there's potential for regret. 0:09:26.500 --> 0:09:29.790 What do your friends or family tell you? 0:09:33.300 --> 0:09:39.310 It's a lot of like, be safe, you know, Uh, 0:09:39.450 --> 0:09:43.489 I think sometimes friends have fears for me because I'm 0:09:43.590 --> 0:09:47.840 like sleeping with strangers and that's a real fear. 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:50.140 And I do think that early on when I started 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:54.929 this and I still was dealing with self-hatred I was 0:09:54.990 --> 0:10:03.380 putting myself in unsafe situations on purpose or because I 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:08.099 didn't have enough self-respect but I don't think that I 0:10:08.140 --> 0:10:10.980 would have gained the self-respect that I have now if 0:10:11.059 --> 0:10:12.540 I didn't do that then. 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:20.110 Do you feel like you're chasing something totally What are 0:10:20.130 --> 0:10:20.670 you chasing? 0:10:22.770 --> 0:10:25.230 I honestly don't know. And that's why I think that 0:10:25.270 --> 0:10:28.830 it's possible for me to regret it later because later 0:10:28.870 --> 0:10:33.670 I could realize what I was really looking for. But 0:10:33.710 --> 0:10:34.930 I don't know. 0:10:35.350 --> 0:10:39.110 What that is. Okay, so you're thinking that you might 0:10:39.150 --> 0:10:44.190 regret it later because you'll realize what you were looking for. 0:10:45.190 --> 0:10:46.360 But why do you. 0:10:48.210 --> 0:10:48.570 Why. 0:10:49.230 --> 0:10:52.970 do you think that you can only find out what 0:10:53.010 --> 0:10:56.890 you're looking for later as opposed to, because you seem 0:10:57.770 --> 0:11:00.230 like you're aware of the fact or the, or you, 0:11:00.250 --> 0:11:04.910 or you sense that you might be looking for something 0:11:05.530 --> 0:11:10.069 deeper right now in, in your current state of mind. 0:11:11.150 --> 0:11:16.099 So like in your, in your exploration of that, what 0:11:16.130 --> 0:11:21.560 do you think that deeper thing is? might be in 0:11:21.620 --> 0:11:26.319 such a way that you, you don't have to be like, okay, I'll, 0:11:26.420 --> 0:11:29.679 I'll figure that out later because you can, because I 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:32.690 don't know, like, uh, I mean, I've experienced this of like, um, 0:11:33.830 --> 0:11:38.110 I'm subconsciously, but also, I don't know, man, I don't 0:11:38.150 --> 0:11:39.670 know if this, I don't know if this is like 0:11:39.690 --> 0:11:43.290 an addiction thing or whatever, but you can subconsciously be 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:46.979 engaging in some kind of behavior because you're chasing something. 0:11:47.929 --> 0:11:54.240 And then not realizing that you're chasing something. Or you 0:11:54.480 --> 0:12:01.120 could also, as with a lot of addictions, actually be 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:04.030 in exactly the position where you're in, where you're like, 0:12:04.210 --> 0:12:08.050 I'm pretty sure I'm fucking chasing something, but whatever. Let's 0:12:08.110 --> 0:12:09.690 keep going. 0:12:09.710 --> 0:12:14.640 Yeah. Well, I think there was a point in time 0:12:14.860 --> 0:12:19.189 where I was traveling and I made it like a 0:12:19.210 --> 0:12:21.150 goal of mine to like find someone to sleep with 0:12:21.170 --> 0:12:23.510 while I was there. And then on my flight back, 0:12:24.110 --> 0:12:27.910 I spent the time waiting for my, my plane to 0:12:27.970 --> 0:12:32.230 pull up looking at, um, what's it called? Like sex 0:12:32.330 --> 0:12:36.370 addicts anonymous thinking that I needed to like get my 0:12:36.410 --> 0:12:40.880 shit together and stop doing this because what am I tasting? 0:12:40.920 --> 0:12:44.939 And that's when I had the reflection on like, I'm 0:12:44.980 --> 0:12:48.160 doing this for me. I'm not doing it because I'm 0:12:48.220 --> 0:12:54.420 like seeking out, um, love or a relationship that's deeper 0:12:54.740 --> 0:12:59.800 than what I, than what I'm doing now. Um, but 0:12:59.870 --> 0:13:03.070 I do think that there's some more like deep seated 0:13:04.910 --> 0:13:08.250 reasons for doing it, which is that like, I've been 0:13:08.270 --> 0:13:12.040 sleeping with men and, As a woman, I think that 0:13:12.320 --> 0:13:16.209 I have been seeking that validation for my entire life. 0:13:16.990 --> 0:13:20.830 Like I said, growing up fat instilled so much self-hatred 0:13:20.890 --> 0:13:25.869 in me because of the male gaze and because of 0:13:26.450 --> 0:13:29.150 expectations of what women are supposed to look like that 0:13:29.220 --> 0:13:33.520 are instilled by men. And by sleeping with men, I'm 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:37.300 receiving the validation that I always needed. 0:13:40.110 --> 0:13:44.050 Hmm. Well, cause, okay. So to compare, let's, let's compare 0:13:44.110 --> 0:13:49.370 it to like, um, the, the, the question of whether 0:13:49.410 --> 0:13:51.850 you have a problem. I mean, and I'll listen, I'm 0:13:51.890 --> 0:13:53.809 no fucking expert in any of this shit, but, uh, 0:13:53.870 --> 0:13:56.250 I mean, you compare it to alcohol, right? Like, uh, 0:13:56.710 --> 0:14:00.730 like I, I have friends who get drunk every weekend and, uh, 0:14:00.809 --> 0:14:03.720 you can tell that they do it because they just 0:14:03.820 --> 0:14:06.280 like doing it. And if you ask them about it, 0:14:06.440 --> 0:14:09.900 they're like, uh, yeah, it's getting drunk. So awesome. I 0:14:09.940 --> 0:14:14.699 like it. It's fun. But then you have people who, 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.780 you know, they get drunk because they're avoiding something or 0:14:18.860 --> 0:14:21.890 because they're trying to reach something or deal with a 0:14:21.950 --> 0:14:26.310 feeling or whatever. And it's definitely the same thing with, 0:14:27.150 --> 0:14:31.620 you know, sex where it's like. You know, I'm just 0:14:31.660 --> 0:14:34.500 doing it because it's fun and cool. But I think 0:14:34.540 --> 0:14:37.950 the fact that you're even... I guess I think the 0:14:37.990 --> 0:14:41.710 fact that you're even wondering about it is like... Could 0:14:41.730 --> 0:14:47.040 be an indicator that something is going on. But like... 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:49.740 Have you talked to a real therapist about this? 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:54.200 No. I mean, it's not like. 0:14:55.750 --> 0:14:58.370 It doesn't weigh on me super heavy except for that 0:14:58.490 --> 0:15:02.710 one moment where I worried about being an addict because 0:15:03.670 --> 0:15:06.220 I'm kind of in the mindset of, like you said, 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:08.580 like alcoholics who just drink because they think it's fun. 0:15:10.140 --> 0:15:11.420 And I'm also like. 0:15:12.900 --> 0:15:16.560 Convincing myself that I'm doing it for artistic purposes because 0:15:16.620 --> 0:15:20.540 I need the inspiration and I need more stories. 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:29.620 Do you, do you feel like it's hurting you? No, I. 0:15:31.110 --> 0:15:37.989 Don't. I feel like I, like I said, I feel 0:15:38.010 --> 0:15:42.440 like ever since I've overcome my fear of being perceived, 0:15:43.620 --> 0:15:48.480 that I've become a better friend. I've become more invested 0:15:48.560 --> 0:15:53.680 in my relationships outside of sex. I think that I've 0:15:53.740 --> 0:15:58.180 become less insecure and more free and less like afraid 0:15:58.230 --> 0:16:02.869 of judgment. So a lot of, a big part of 0:16:02.910 --> 0:16:06.010 me doesn't want to stop because it's so liberating. 0:16:07.270 --> 0:16:07.490 Hmm. 0:16:08.430 --> 0:16:15.030 Interesting. Um, but you feel like you, but you said 0:16:15.090 --> 0:16:16.690 you feel like you might regret it. 0:16:18.170 --> 0:16:18.350 Hmm. 0:16:19.550 --> 0:16:30.460 Hmm. Yeah. Because I am not allowing myself to become 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:36.620 emotionally attached to any of the people that I'm sleeping with. 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:43.240 And I wonder how that disconnect between the emotional and 0:16:43.260 --> 0:16:45.220 the physical is going to impact me later. 0:16:45.240 --> 0:16:49.540 Oh, sure. Sure. 0:16:51.540 --> 0:16:53.479 When I do want to emotionally connect. 0:16:54.070 --> 0:16:57.570 Yeah, sure. You think it might stunt your ability to 0:16:57.630 --> 0:16:59.390 emotionally connect if you want to. 0:17:00.550 --> 0:17:06.820 Yeah. When there's also the potential for sex. Like, have 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:09.560 I separated those two things too much now? 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:18.280 You know, I don't know. I think you should definitely 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.840 talk to a therapist about it. I'm... I'm pretty agnostic 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:25.220 when it comes to these things. Cause like, uh, you know, 0:17:25.320 --> 0:17:29.790 I've met like, uh, uh, porn stars and, and, and 0:17:29.850 --> 0:17:33.870 sex workers and whatnot who, uh, or talk to people 0:17:33.890 --> 0:17:37.149 who've had a lot of sex who like they, it 0:17:37.369 --> 0:17:43.330 hasn't affected their ability to emotionally connect. And that's just 0:17:43.369 --> 0:17:47.189 like who they are. And then some people who, uh, 0:17:47.290 --> 0:17:49.899 you know, it greatly has, uh, but that that's also 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:53.639 kind of a function of who they are. And so I, 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:58.000 I think it, I think your, like your essence or 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:02.500 your brain or your personality or, you know, who you 0:18:02.700 --> 0:18:07.580 are is the, is the X factor here in that. And, 0:18:07.640 --> 0:18:11.160 you know, nobody really knows you better than you do. 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:16.250 So I kind of, you're the person that will answer 0:18:16.290 --> 0:18:20.889 that question. You're kind of the person that at the 0:18:20.930 --> 0:18:24.690 end of the day has to look at the thing 0:18:24.750 --> 0:18:34.240 and be like, is this fucking me up? It sounds 0:18:34.300 --> 0:18:37.179 like you have great friends and great relationships. I say 0:18:37.200 --> 0:18:39.980 that shit, but I also in my own life have 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:47.260 felt like, oh, I'm not the like when it's time 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.540 to do that, uh, like lay my life on the line. 0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:53.219 I'm also a person where I'm like, Oh, I don't 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:56.620 know if I even trust my own judgment necessarily. Cause, 0:18:56.720 --> 0:18:59.200 cause even dude, it's a weird, it's a catch 22. 0:18:59.180 --> 0:19:01.080 This is why I'm so agnostic about a bunch of 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:04.980 shit is like, you try to, you try to, um, 0:19:06.570 --> 0:19:10.750 you try to trust your own judgment. And then you 0:19:10.850 --> 0:19:17.830 realize that, uh, the catch 22 is that nobody knows 0:19:17.869 --> 0:19:22.030 you better than yourself, but you're also closer to yourself 0:19:22.090 --> 0:19:24.850 than ever. So like there's pros and cons to your 0:19:25.109 --> 0:19:30.060 own judgment. So I think you should aggregate the judgment 0:19:30.220 --> 0:19:33.560 of yourself and the people that are close to you is, 0:19:36.140 --> 0:19:37.350 is your best shot. 0:19:38.470 --> 0:19:42.560 Yeah. I feel like I spend the majority of the 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:46.990 time feeling great about my life and my situation, and 0:19:47.010 --> 0:19:51.240 that makes me feel... like what I'm doing might not 0:19:51.280 --> 0:19:55.879 be so bad. It's more like the voice. I also 0:19:55.960 --> 0:19:58.480 think there's something to be said about the stigma of 0:19:58.600 --> 0:20:02.040 sex and having sex and having a lot of sex 0:20:03.100 --> 0:20:09.439 that is perpetuating my feelings about sex. being like, I'm 0:20:09.460 --> 0:20:11.760 going to regret this later because that's what I've been told, 0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:18.969 is that everyone regrets it later. But that's because of 0:20:19.310 --> 0:20:23.590 the stigma around sex. And if I'm enjoying it, and 0:20:23.609 --> 0:20:30.010 if there's people who just generally enjoy that more, why 0:20:30.030 --> 0:20:32.510 does there have to be a level where it's cut 0:20:32.609 --> 0:20:35.460 off and it's too much now? And now you've taken 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:36.139 it too far. 0:20:37.500 --> 0:20:40.810 Well, it's hard... Dude, this is a hard one. Again, 0:20:40.830 --> 0:20:44.169 I'm going to say an agnostic thing, which is that 0:20:47.070 --> 0:20:50.240 it's a tough call. It's a tough call because if 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:54.119 you feel like the way that you're living life is 0:20:54.980 --> 0:20:57.659 the best... If you do your analysis and you feel 0:20:57.700 --> 0:20:59.120 like the way that you're living life is the best 0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:06.450 for you, but there's a social stigma around it, you 0:21:06.550 --> 0:21:11.760 kind of... and there's no wrong answer of being like, 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:17.909 I believe in my own, uh, version of my life 0:21:19.650 --> 0:21:24.169 and I stand by it and you'll get, uh, you 0:21:24.190 --> 0:21:26.149 might get flack or you might feel bad because of 0:21:26.170 --> 0:21:30.470 the way that society looks upon it. Um, and that's 0:21:30.510 --> 0:21:33.460 the cost. Or you can be like, eh, you know, 0:21:33.480 --> 0:21:37.419 I'm being told by everyone and by society at large that, uh, 0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:44.140 The way I'm living is not good. And so... Let 0:21:44.180 --> 0:21:48.740 me yield to that. And obviously there's benefits to that. 0:21:48.800 --> 0:21:55.550 Because we're human beings. We're programmed to... Want to align 0:21:55.630 --> 0:22:00.130 with what society feels. But you're also going to feel 0:22:00.170 --> 0:22:02.150 a little thing in your gut. Like, why am I... 0:22:04.310 --> 0:22:08.720 Bending to what people... Or what society is telling me. 0:22:11.580 --> 0:22:18.179 So there's like a cost either way. And it's up 0:22:18.240 --> 0:22:22.680 to you to decide which one you want to go with. 0:22:22.780 --> 0:22:26.480 And it's a hard decision. And also the regret thing 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:30.240 is like, you might decide, you know what, fuck it, 0:22:30.270 --> 0:22:32.410 I like doing this. I'm going to confidently be myself 0:22:32.490 --> 0:22:35.310 and confidently... live my life the way I want to, 0:22:35.369 --> 0:22:40.070 and then later be like, that was the wrong decision. 0:22:42.210 --> 0:22:43.850 Or you might compromise how you want to live your 0:22:43.869 --> 0:22:46.450 life because of the way the society feels about something, 0:22:46.930 --> 0:22:49.430 and then, you know, get old and sick and realize 0:22:49.450 --> 0:22:53.580 that was the wrong decision. I don't have an answer. 0:22:53.600 --> 0:22:56.820 These are things I think about a lot. I don't 0:22:56.840 --> 0:22:57.419 have an answer. 0:22:57.440 --> 0:23:01.640 I mean, I don't have an answer either. But that's 0:23:01.660 --> 0:23:06.740 my ponder of it. Yeah, well, I lean towards a 0:23:07.260 --> 0:23:13.570 desire to not conform ever, ever in my life. And 0:23:14.170 --> 0:23:17.650 if I'm doing something that goes against the grain, there's 0:23:17.690 --> 0:23:23.890 some kind of satisfaction in that for me. So that 0:23:23.950 --> 0:23:28.150 makes me want to continue what I'm doing and not 0:23:28.190 --> 0:23:32.260 worry about the regret or what society thinks about it 0:23:32.500 --> 0:23:38.000 or whatever. And honestly, I'm ultimately the only one who 0:23:38.040 --> 0:23:41.300 has to live through this. I'm the only one who 0:23:41.320 --> 0:23:44.280 has to live my life. No one else has to. 0:23:44.740 --> 0:23:47.420 No one else has to endure it except for me. 0:23:47.440 --> 0:23:51.590 And if I'm okay with it, then why stop? 0:23:54.070 --> 0:23:59.490 Mm-hmm. I... Again, you know, if that's the decision you make, 0:23:59.530 --> 0:24:00.930 I think it's a valid one to have. 0:24:00.950 --> 0:24:02.040 And I. 0:24:04.720 --> 0:24:07.649 I don't know, like, I see people out there, and 0:24:07.690 --> 0:24:13.770 I've met people who take that on really confidently, and 0:24:13.790 --> 0:24:18.040 they really fucking, like, commit to it. And I have 0:24:18.060 --> 0:24:21.980 a lot of respect for those people. And they end 0:24:23.700 --> 0:24:34.930 up finding other people who align with them. Mm-hmm. But yeah, look, 0:24:35.590 --> 0:24:39.330 it's not impossible that you'll regret it, but it's not 0:24:39.350 --> 0:24:41.189 impossible that you'll regret it either way. I mean, that's 0:24:41.210 --> 0:24:42.149 how fucking life works. 0:24:43.310 --> 0:24:48.240 Well, it's too late now. I've already done it. So 0:24:48.720 --> 0:24:53.560 if there's regret to feel, I will feel regret. I 0:24:53.640 --> 0:24:58.960 could stop. I could not. But I also could wait 0:24:59.020 --> 0:25:04.280 until I'm ready to stop, which happens in life. You 0:25:04.320 --> 0:25:08.440 do something and you're like, damn, I smoked a lot 0:25:08.480 --> 0:25:11.970 of weed for a really long time. And recently I've 0:25:11.990 --> 0:25:14.190 been like, this doesn't make me feel good anymore. I'm 0:25:14.230 --> 0:25:18.669 going to stop. I'm going to chill out. And I 0:25:18.730 --> 0:25:22.110 think that there's just potential for change in life. And 0:25:22.590 --> 0:25:25.520 you can do something now, regret it later, but be 0:25:25.580 --> 0:25:29.580 able to just move on and not hate yourself for it. 0:25:29.580 --> 0:25:32.380 Yeah, I agree with that too. I agree with that too. 0:25:32.680 --> 0:25:39.619 And that's like an internal... work thing. Um, yeah, I 0:25:39.660 --> 0:25:44.380 agree with that. I think, I think, um, there, you 0:25:44.580 --> 0:25:49.220 definitely can, I think there's always room to like, uh, 0:25:51.840 --> 0:25:56.360 cleanse yourself mentally and try to move on. I, but yeah, that's, 0:25:56.400 --> 0:25:58.280 that's kind of thing about life is like you, you, you, 0:25:58.480 --> 0:26:03.370 you won't Like the pain is that you won't realize 0:26:03.430 --> 0:26:05.450 if you'll regret something until you do. 0:26:06.390 --> 0:26:10.240 You just have to let it happen. So I'm kind 0:26:10.280 --> 0:26:12.760 of wondering if it's going to happen or if I'll 0:26:12.800 --> 0:26:13.780 just keep living my life. 0:26:14.700 --> 0:26:21.460 I don't know if I necessarily have advice, just ponders 0:26:22.280 --> 0:26:26.359 alongside this. But yeah, so again, so what do your 0:26:26.400 --> 0:26:28.629 friends tell you? Your friends just tell you to... It 0:26:28.650 --> 0:26:32.810 sounds like your friends are like, do your thing and 0:26:32.850 --> 0:26:34.470 live your life and be safe. 0:26:40.420 --> 0:26:40.660 Yeah. 0:26:41.119 --> 0:26:41.760 Yeah, basically. 0:26:41.780 --> 0:26:45.500 I don't think that my friends pass any judgment on me. Honestly, 0:26:45.560 --> 0:26:47.820 I think that my two best friends are in a 0:26:47.859 --> 0:26:52.199 relationship with each other and they, I think, find what 0:26:52.240 --> 0:26:55.380 I'm doing to be exciting for them to hear about. 0:26:56.130 --> 0:27:02.290 It's like good, interesting gossip for them and fun for 0:27:02.330 --> 0:27:03.230