WEBVTT - Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)

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<v Speaker 1>Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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<v Speaker 2>The moment you heal your self esteem, we'll have a

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<v Speaker 2>natural distaste towards things that are a bad for you, people

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<v Speaker 2>who don't love you, people who don't treat you right.

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<v Speaker 2>How you know your self esteem is improving is that

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<v Speaker 2>the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose.

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<v Speaker 3>Attraction to them. The psychologist, teacher and relationship experts.

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<v Speaker 1>What would be your advice as someone who feels like

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<v Speaker 1>they've got ghosted.

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<v Speaker 2>Chances are their hiding information ghosts. Regardless of their reason,

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<v Speaker 2>they're still poor communicators. So best predictor of future relationships

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<v Speaker 2>is their past relationships. People are their patterns. My number

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<v Speaker 2>one client is a man who's just been cheated on.

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<v Speaker 2>The women are cheating on the men. No, a lot

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<v Speaker 2>more than I ever expected.

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<v Speaker 1>What's the worst thing to say to someone who's just

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<v Speaker 1>gone through a breaker?

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<v Speaker 3>Well, you knew he was like that anyway, So what's

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<v Speaker 3>the problem.

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<v Speaker 1>What can a woman do to make sure a man

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't cheer on it?

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<v Speaker 3>I have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected.

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<v Speaker 3>That's all it really takes.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, this is, without a doubt, my favorite relationship episode

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<v Speaker 1>we've ever done. The number one health and wellness podcast

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<v Speaker 1>Sheddy j Sheddy Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the

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<v Speaker 1>place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's get is going to help us do just that.

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<v Speaker 1>She is Sadia Khan, a renowned psychotherapist and former psychology

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<v Speaker 1>teacher whose bold, viral insights on modern relationships, masculinity, and

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<v Speaker 1>emotional healing have earned her a global following. Known for

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<v Speaker 1>her no nonsense approach, Sadia helps men and women navigate infidelity, identity,

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<v Speaker 1>and intimacy with clarity and strength. Sadia's mission is to

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<v Speaker 1>empower people to reclaim their confidence, understand themselves and others,

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<v Speaker 1>and build real, lasting love. Please welcome to On Purpose,

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<v Speaker 1>Sadia Khan.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much for having me. I'm so unbelievably

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<v Speaker 2>honored to be set opposite you, and I know I've

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<v Speaker 2>been gushing since I've arrived, but I can't express how

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<v Speaker 2>grateful I am.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, Sadia, the feelings mutual. I've been loving following you

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<v Speaker 1>for the past couple of years and I can't wait

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<v Speaker 1>to have this conversation with you because I think you

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<v Speaker 1>present such a counterintuitive, refreshing, challenging view on love and

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<v Speaker 1>I appreciate it. So let's dive straight in perfect I

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<v Speaker 1>want to ask you, if someone applied your teachings that

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<v Speaker 1>you're about to share with us in the next couple

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<v Speaker 1>of hours, what would they overcome.

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<v Speaker 2>The first thing that they would overcome is their fear

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<v Speaker 2>of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck

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<v Speaker 2>in relationships is that they have a fear of conflict

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<v Speaker 2>because it boils down to the have a fear of

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<v Speaker 2>walking away. And if people understood that the quality of

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<v Speaker 2>your relationships will vastly improve the moment you exercise the

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<v Speaker 2>ability to walk away when you're being heartbroken, when you're

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<v Speaker 2>being disrespected, and when you're being dehumanized. It actually brings

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<v Speaker 2>out the best in your partner when they know that

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<v Speaker 2>you have that strength. When you remove that strength from

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<v Speaker 2>your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract

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<v Speaker 2>people who will use and abuse you and treat you

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<v Speaker 2>terribly because they see that your kindness is going to

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<v Speaker 2>be your downfall. So I think if you really apply

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<v Speaker 2>my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that

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<v Speaker 2>you will have the self esteem to simply attract people

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<v Speaker 2>who are good for you and develop a disdain towards

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<v Speaker 2>people treat you badly, And because of that, you can

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<v Speaker 2>select better and you can maintain your relationships in a

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<v Speaker 2>healthier way.

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<v Speaker 1>I love that. So people are going to select better,

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<v Speaker 1>they're going to attract better, and they're going to stay

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<v Speaker 1>in the right relationships exactly. Let's start with the first one.

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<v Speaker 1>Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting

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<v Speaker 1>people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit,

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<v Speaker 1>people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why

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<v Speaker 1>is it it's.

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<v Speaker 2>Not what we attract, is what we entertain. Most people

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<v Speaker 2>can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough,

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<v Speaker 2>we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have

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<v Speaker 2>low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people

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<v Speaker 2>are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really

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<v Speaker 2>ask me how my day is. It's normal that he

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<v Speaker 2>only texts me at twelve am on a Friday night.

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<v Speaker 2>And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they

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<v Speaker 2>start to accept what's actually not going to lead to

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<v Speaker 2>a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what

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<v Speaker 2>they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their

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<v Speaker 2>power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men,

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<v Speaker 2>but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are

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<v Speaker 2>the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the

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<v Speaker 2>ones that leave me worrying what this is and where

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<v Speaker 2>this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I

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<v Speaker 2>start to learn that that is a signal that they've

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<v Speaker 2>got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is

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<v Speaker 2>delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay

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<v Speaker 2>my ability to have a family, and so on and

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<v Speaker 2>so forth. So we can attract all types of men,

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<v Speaker 2>but we only entertain the ones that will enable you

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<v Speaker 2>to start a family, in a relationship, or whatever your

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<v Speaker 2>goal is. They enable that, and if they don't enable that,

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<v Speaker 2>try and lose attraction for them.

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<v Speaker 1>Why do we feel more attracted to people who make

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<v Speaker 1>us anxious and who are unavailable. Why is it that

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<v Speaker 1>we think that they're the ones worth chasing.

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<v Speaker 2>Firstly, if we have low self esteem, we kind of

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<v Speaker 2>see as that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's

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<v Speaker 2>supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably

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<v Speaker 2>not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated

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<v Speaker 2>like this if that's your low self esteem. But the

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<v Speaker 2>other thing is unavailable men. Sometimes they demonstrate the idea

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<v Speaker 2>of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem

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<v Speaker 2>more disare and because of that mystery, we assume that

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<v Speaker 2>they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives, there's

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<v Speaker 2>something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive,

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<v Speaker 2>when we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature.

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<v Speaker 2>They're not this special guy that's got a million things

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<v Speaker 2>going and his work is taking over and he's so

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<v Speaker 2>so busy.

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<v Speaker 3>Actually, he's just emotionally mature.

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<v Speaker 2>He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't how to

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<v Speaker 2>award off alternatives and just focus on one person at

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<v Speaker 2>the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal

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<v Speaker 2>of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so

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<v Speaker 2>attractive to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.

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<v Speaker 1>I think, just on when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking,

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<v Speaker 1>if you want someone, like anyone should who texts back

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<v Speaker 1>within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request.

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<v Speaker 3>And nobody's that that busy.

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<v Speaker 2>I know, like men like to sound busy at work

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<v Speaker 2>or I've got this going on, I'm that stressed, completely understandable,

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<v Speaker 2>but one text to let that person know will enable

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<v Speaker 2>them to just relax the whole day. But you can't

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<v Speaker 2>have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send

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<v Speaker 2>that quick text, Then that person doesn't understand what it

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<v Speaker 2>takes to have a healthy relationship, and they're pro probably

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<v Speaker 2>not worth your investment.

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<v Speaker 1>Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting

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<v Speaker 1>that far because they're meeting people on dating apps. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>and so you're swiping away. You might get into a

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<v Speaker 1>conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's

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<v Speaker 1>talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like, no one,

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't feel like it's going that Well. What do

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<v Speaker 1>you say to men and women who feel like they've

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<v Speaker 1>been rejected a few too many times and they're losing

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<v Speaker 1>that faith and ability to feel that there is someone

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<v Speaker 1>out there for them.

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<v Speaker 2>Just to be careful on are you actually not matching

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<v Speaker 2>or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's

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<v Speaker 2>happened is because of social media and because of dating apps,

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<v Speaker 2>we enter relationships with almost like a double standard or

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<v Speaker 2>a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms.

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<v Speaker 2>We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy, or

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<v Speaker 2>she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high

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<v Speaker 2>value man and she's not a high value woman, we

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<v Speaker 2>start to look at our matches with a level of distaste,

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<v Speaker 2>when sometimes a better thing to do is look at

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<v Speaker 2>the people who are matching with you and try and

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<v Speaker 2>see are they actually that bad?

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<v Speaker 3>Is there something wrong with them?

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<v Speaker 2>Or am I just comparing them to a dream, idea

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<v Speaker 2>or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access.

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<v Speaker 2>I always just think the more you like the person

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<v Speaker 2>you are, the higher your self esteem, The more you

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<v Speaker 2>like people who like you, the fact that the person

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<v Speaker 2>that are matching you automatically you start to like them

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<v Speaker 2>more because they've matched you, because you like you and

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<v Speaker 2>they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem,

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<v Speaker 2>you chase after people that you can't access. So my

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<v Speaker 2>advice to people who is always start with who likes you.

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<v Speaker 2>Always start with that poor and then home in on

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<v Speaker 2>that poll and see if you've got similar demographics, values,

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<v Speaker 2>so on and so forth. But where people go wrong

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<v Speaker 2>is they glorify the people that they're not matching with

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<v Speaker 2>and wanting a love that they've never been able to access,

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<v Speaker 2>and then comparing who they do get matched with with

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<v Speaker 2>these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing

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<v Speaker 2>is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your

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<v Speaker 2>standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking

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<v Speaker 1>people are going to say is, well, why do I

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<v Speaker 1>have to settle?

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<v Speaker 2>If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are

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<v Speaker 2>too high And what I mean by that is I

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes we all meet men who are in maybe in

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<v Speaker 2>their forties, on their second divorce and saying, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>want a woman with baggage, so I need somebody twenty

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<v Speaker 2>five years old. I don't want women with baggage. Or

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes I meet women who are, you know, not working,

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<v Speaker 2>and they say I want a man that's an entrepreneur

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<v Speaker 2>and got six figures. But I always just say, you

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<v Speaker 2>shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And

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<v Speaker 2>if similar to you it starts to feel like you're settling,

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<v Speaker 2>then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what

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<v Speaker 2>you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if

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<v Speaker 2>you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much.

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<v Speaker 3>But if you're.

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<v Speaker 2>Asking for people to fill the gaps in your self worth,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit.

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<v Speaker 2>So ask yourself it does similarity feel like settling. If

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<v Speaker 2>it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves

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<v Speaker 2>to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's so much of what you're doing about is

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<v Speaker 1>just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's such

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<v Speaker 1>a need to be honest with ourselves.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with

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<v Speaker 2>ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from tiktoks and

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<v Speaker 2>advice from you know, people that are giving advice about

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<v Speaker 2>never settle. You're somebody's dream girl or this is a

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<v Speaker 2>high value woman. So we think that if we get

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<v Speaker 2>anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling,

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<v Speaker 2>when really, as long as we're matched in terms of

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<v Speaker 2>values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future,

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<v Speaker 2>we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, so many people on dating apps these days,

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<v Speaker 1>their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've

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<v Speaker 1>had a million people about feeling like, hey, we were

0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:27.800
<v Speaker 1>having a good chat and this person just disappeared. Yeah,

0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:30.120
<v Speaker 1>what would be your advice as someone who feels like

0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:31.000
<v Speaker 1>they've got ghosted?

0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:34.480
<v Speaker 2>I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately,

0:10:34.520 --> 0:10:38.280
<v Speaker 2>in the digital world, people see each other as disposable

0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:41.080
<v Speaker 2>and there's very minimal investments, so they don't always feel

0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:44.079
<v Speaker 2>like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting,

0:10:44.120 --> 0:10:46.520
<v Speaker 2>it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just

0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:48.559
<v Speaker 2>been on the app to buy some time to heal

0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.280
<v Speaker 2>from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner,

0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:53.840
<v Speaker 2>They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind

0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.400
<v Speaker 2>of recover from some kind of stress that they're going

0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.240
<v Speaker 2>through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you,

0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:01.199
<v Speaker 2>try not to take it too personal. But if you've

0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:04.120
<v Speaker 2>been dating that person and then they ghost to chances

0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:07.760
<v Speaker 2>are they're hiding information. Ghosters regardless of their reason, they're

0:11:07.800 --> 0:11:11.480
<v Speaker 2>still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have

0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:13.720
<v Speaker 2>for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great

0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:16.480
<v Speaker 2>at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people

0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:17.679
<v Speaker 2>who can't communicate.

0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:21.160
<v Speaker 1>Well, what are the signs when you are dating someone

0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:23.600
<v Speaker 1>or you're starting to have those early conversations with people?

0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:27.240
<v Speaker 1>Do you think people miss but should be looking out

0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:31.520
<v Speaker 1>for that shows signs of a healthy, positive relationship.

0:11:31.760 --> 0:11:34.040
<v Speaker 2>I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future

0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:36.920
<v Speaker 2>relationships is their past relationships. And one thing I think

0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:40.760
<v Speaker 2>people kind of forget is that their patterns don't truly lie.

0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:42.559
<v Speaker 3>And if you meet a man.

0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:44.800
<v Speaker 2>Or a woman even in their late thirties early forties

0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:48.240
<v Speaker 2>have never been a committed relationship and you think everything's

0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:49.840
<v Speaker 2>going well and for some reason they ghost to you

0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:52.320
<v Speaker 2>or they're no longer in a committed Sometimes that's just

0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:55.400
<v Speaker 2>their patterns. Maybe they struggle with commitment, or if you

0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:58.440
<v Speaker 2>find that these people in previous relationships were always unfaithful

0:11:58.520 --> 0:12:01.000
<v Speaker 2>or in previous relationships it never really past three months.

0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:03.600
<v Speaker 2>Chances of people are their patterns, so just try and

0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:06.440
<v Speaker 2>pay doesn't mean you judge them completely, but pay attention to.

0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:08.600
<v Speaker 2>If they do fall off and they don't want to commit,

0:12:08.640 --> 0:12:10.920
<v Speaker 2>it might not be personal. It might just be their

0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:13.319
<v Speaker 2>pattern in previous relationships where they're just not used to

0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:15.440
<v Speaker 2>settling down. They don't know how to, they don't have

0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:17.880
<v Speaker 2>the skills and tools to, so they will find it

0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:20.240
<v Speaker 2>difficult other people because they've always been in four or

0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:23.040
<v Speaker 2>five year long relationships. They only have the habits for

0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:25.439
<v Speaker 2>long lasting relationships. So even when you've just started dating,

0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:27.480
<v Speaker 2>they'll kind of treat you like a girlfriend and it

0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.439
<v Speaker 2>can accelerate into a relationship a bit faster.

0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:31.600
<v Speaker 3>So their previous patterns is something to pay attention to.

0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:34.640
<v Speaker 1>And that second pattern can also be negative because you

0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:38.680
<v Speaker 1>could just get into a relationship too quickly with someone because.

0:12:38.480 --> 0:12:41.000
<v Speaker 2>They're just in those habits. Yeah, they're not actually compatible,

0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:42.760
<v Speaker 2>they're just in those habits. Particularly if they've just come

0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:44.280
<v Speaker 2>out of a relationship. They might just be in the

0:12:44.280 --> 0:12:47.240
<v Speaker 2>habit of calling everywhere every day, arranging to see you

0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:49.480
<v Speaker 2>on the weekends, doing all of those things, which feels great,

0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.240
<v Speaker 2>But if they're not actually healed, it will turn into

0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:54.960
<v Speaker 2>love bombing because they're accelerating the residual feelings from their

0:12:54.960 --> 0:12:57.559
<v Speaker 2>previous relationship onto you, and it kind of accelerates the

0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:01.080
<v Speaker 2>relationship faster than what the psychological compatist ability is. So

0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:03.640
<v Speaker 2>you might find yourself catapulted into a relationship by somebody

0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:05.920
<v Speaker 2>who's just in that habit of doing that, and that

0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:06.959
<v Speaker 2>can also be a problem.

0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:09.640
<v Speaker 1>What the top three things that people you guide and

0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:11.920
<v Speaker 1>coach and follow you and social media come to you

0:13:12.040 --> 0:13:14.439
<v Speaker 1>for and say their number one issue is.

0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:17.920
<v Speaker 2>Well, for men, they do suffer from a lot of infidelity.

0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:20.840
<v Speaker 2>The women are cheating on the men a lot more

0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:25.560
<v Speaker 2>than I ever expected. My number one client is a

0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:27.920
<v Speaker 2>man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And

0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:30.880
<v Speaker 2>because there's not much talk about this on social media,

0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:32.880
<v Speaker 2>and there's not much talk about this in general, we're

0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:36.080
<v Speaker 2>almost programmed to think men cheat. So yeah, it's rare

0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:38.120
<v Speaker 2>that you find the idea of women chaging and men

0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:40.200
<v Speaker 2>don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on.

0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.360
<v Speaker 2>They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost

0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:44.800
<v Speaker 2>embarrassed or ashamed. Wre as women, we can confide in

0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:45.680
<v Speaker 2>each other a bit more.

0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:45.960
<v Speaker 1>So.

0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:48.000
<v Speaker 2>My number one client tends to be the man that's

0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.440
<v Speaker 2>been cheated on or the woman that can't get the

0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.160
<v Speaker 2>man to commit. That tends to be the two feels

0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:56.280
<v Speaker 2>that I kind of have that seem to attract in

0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:58.920
<v Speaker 2>terms of clients. But men getting cheated on or men

0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:01.000
<v Speaker 2>not being masculine enough to tends to be the common

0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:03.160
<v Speaker 2>theme of my clients that keep coming back in.

0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.040
<v Speaker 1>That Let's talk about both of those things because they're

0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:10.120
<v Speaker 1>both fascinating. So let's start with men not being masculine enough.

0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:13.120
<v Speaker 1>What does that mean? Because I think for a long

0:14:13.160 --> 0:14:16.320
<v Speaker 1>time we were hearing men are not feminine enough, or

0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:20.520
<v Speaker 1>men don't show their emotions, or men can't have emotional connection.

0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:23.560
<v Speaker 1>That's the issue. Yeah, but you're actually saying it's the opposite.

0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:26.880
<v Speaker 2>It's actually the opposite, and they're genuine because look, we're

0:14:26.920 --> 0:14:29.400
<v Speaker 2>living in a time, particularly in a city like la

0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:32.320
<v Speaker 2>where men are almost divided into being too nice and

0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:35.320
<v Speaker 2>not masculine enough or toxic masculinity. There doesn't seem to

0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:38.200
<v Speaker 2>be a middle ground. And men who have black masculinity,

0:14:38.240 --> 0:14:41.400
<v Speaker 2>they have these three traits in common that I noticed. Firstly,

0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:43.120
<v Speaker 2>they grew up without a male role model. So what

0:14:43.160 --> 0:14:44.560
<v Speaker 2>may have happened is they grew up in a single

0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:47.479
<v Speaker 2>parent home and they saw their mum making all the decisions,

0:14:47.560 --> 0:14:50.240
<v Speaker 2>doing all the hard work, doing the emotional and physical labor,

0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.560
<v Speaker 2>and they think that's what women want. They think that's okay,

0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:56.280
<v Speaker 2>So when they go into relationships, they think that women

0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:58.240
<v Speaker 2>wants to make all the decisions, she wants to do

0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:00.440
<v Speaker 2>everything around the house, she wants to be in control,

0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:03.560
<v Speaker 2>when really they're looking for a man who's decision making

0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:05.800
<v Speaker 2>they trust enough for them to finally be able to relax.

0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:08.080
<v Speaker 2>But instead they think that that's what women want, So

0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:11.160
<v Speaker 2>when they get into relationships, they're not decisive, they're not

0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:14.240
<v Speaker 2>problem solving. They allow her to take complete lead, and

0:15:14.280 --> 0:15:17.400
<v Speaker 2>they almost follow her too much. And at first that

0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:19.320
<v Speaker 2>might be fine. Women might find that a bit attractive,

0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:22.760
<v Speaker 2>like okay, perfect is very docile and passive, but later

0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:25.720
<v Speaker 2>on they find that man exhausting, particularly when they have children.

0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.320
<v Speaker 2>They can't rely on him to make any decisions because

0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:31.600
<v Speaker 2>he's almost doesn't trust his own judgment and he doesn't

0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:34.560
<v Speaker 2>have that protective or provider instincts, So she kind of

0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:36.560
<v Speaker 2>has to end up doing a dual role. But the

0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:39.200
<v Speaker 2>biggest thing I find with men that lack masculinities is

0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:42.920
<v Speaker 2>they have a problem setting boundaries. And the effective way

0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:46.000
<v Speaker 2>to set a boundary is to find the perfect balance

0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:49.080
<v Speaker 2>between being stern and sensitive. What some men will be

0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:50.960
<v Speaker 2>is too stern, and they will want to set a

0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:52.920
<v Speaker 2>boundary and they get abusive. At the same time, they're like,

0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:55.480
<v Speaker 2>you can't do this name call, and they get too

0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:58.440
<v Speaker 2>much too stern. Other men are too sensitive, They get

0:15:58.480 --> 0:16:00.320
<v Speaker 2>too soft with it, so they don't know how to

0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:02.560
<v Speaker 2>set it. They allow any kind of behavior, and then

0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:04.920
<v Speaker 2>they kind of suppress what they're truly feeling. To get

0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:06.920
<v Speaker 2>the right balance, you have to be stern with what

0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:09.560
<v Speaker 2>you want from that person, but be really sensitive to

0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:11.560
<v Speaker 2>her needs and understand what she wants and remind her

0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:12.960
<v Speaker 2>how much you love her and you want to save

0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:15.200
<v Speaker 2>this relationship, and that's why you're setting the boundary. So

0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.760
<v Speaker 2>it might be something like if she's talking to an

0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:19.520
<v Speaker 2>X or something like that. You might be stern and

0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:21.520
<v Speaker 2>saying I don't feel comfortable that you're talking to an ex.

0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:24.040
<v Speaker 2>But the sensitive part is because I love you and

0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:25.720
<v Speaker 2>I really want this relationship to work, and I really

0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:27.520
<v Speaker 2>want us to have a healthy pattern. I don't want

0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:31.120
<v Speaker 2>any outside interference. So getting that balance is something that

0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.040
<v Speaker 2>guys that stuffer with masculinity don't get right. And if

0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:36.840
<v Speaker 2>they could just get that perfect balance of sternness and sensitivity,

0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:38.480
<v Speaker 2>they'll be able to set boundaries a lot better.

0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:42.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you are right. I've seen the abusive for sure. Yeah,

0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:44.560
<v Speaker 1>I've seen a lot of men who feel like they

0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:47.640
<v Speaker 1>just want a submissive partner who does what they want

0:16:47.760 --> 0:16:49.920
<v Speaker 1>when they want, and.

0:16:50.920 --> 0:16:53.160
<v Speaker 3>No love in there. There's no actual love there.

0:16:53.160 --> 0:16:55.640
<v Speaker 2>They're setting all these boundaries, but they're aggressive with it.

0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:57.680
<v Speaker 2>They're not reminding her that they love her, they don't

0:16:57.680 --> 0:16:59.720
<v Speaker 2>even show her that they love her, but they want

0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:02.240
<v Speaker 2>her to obey him. That's not a way to set

0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:04.359
<v Speaker 2>a boundary. And other men are just two on the

0:17:04.400 --> 0:17:07.120
<v Speaker 2>soft side, and then she forgets what he actually truly

0:17:07.119 --> 0:17:10.000
<v Speaker 2>wants because he's kind of people pleasing. So finding that

0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:11.640
<v Speaker 2>balance is something that's become difficult.

0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:13.800
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's so interesting you said that, because I was

0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:16.399
<v Speaker 1>thinking about So my mom was the bread wren in

0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:20.760
<v Speaker 1>my house and she did everything for me and my sister,

0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:23.320
<v Speaker 1>and my dad was aloof he was kind of checked out.

0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:25.800
<v Speaker 1>And it's so interesting you said the male role model piece,

0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:28.359
<v Speaker 1>because two things happened for me. One thing was my

0:17:28.400 --> 0:17:32.960
<v Speaker 1>male models were monks who were really good men. And

0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:35.640
<v Speaker 1>then on the other side, I saw my mom's strain

0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:38.760
<v Speaker 1>and struggle and pain, and that made me want to

0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:40.960
<v Speaker 1>be a better man. Yeah, but that's because she was

0:17:41.040 --> 0:17:43.400
<v Speaker 1>vulnerable with me about him. Yeah. So, because I could

0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:46.119
<v Speaker 1>see that my mom didn't have an easy life, I

0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:48.800
<v Speaker 1>was convinced that when I got married, if I ever

0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:51.239
<v Speaker 1>got married, that I would never let my wife work out.

0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:53.320
<v Speaker 2>But that's a really common trait that and the other

0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:55.479
<v Speaker 2>type of man experienced. Some men because they saw their

0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:58.320
<v Speaker 2>mom really struggle, they just want to relieve their partner

0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:00.679
<v Speaker 2>of all struggles. So the other that they can go

0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:02.560
<v Speaker 2>is that they want to save a lot of women,

0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:05.560
<v Speaker 2>And what ends up happening is that they really want

0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:07.439
<v Speaker 2>to make sure that she has no troubles and she

0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:10.560
<v Speaker 2>lives a life of complete comfort. The problem is when

0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:14.920
<v Speaker 2>you remove or struggle from anybody's life, they lose purpose

0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:18.119
<v Speaker 2>and they actually resent you for not allowing them to

0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:21.919
<v Speaker 2>problem solve themselves. So some men in that position what

0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:23.520
<v Speaker 2>they'll end up doing, and I'm not saying this was you,

0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.679
<v Speaker 2>but generally sometimes those men they want to protect their

0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:28.119
<v Speaker 2>partner from any kind of pain and stress, and in

0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:29.800
<v Speaker 2>the process of doing that, they can either become a

0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:32.359
<v Speaker 2>bit people pleasing or just solve every problem that she

0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:36.199
<v Speaker 2>could potentially have. Either or she doesn't actually get to

0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:39.600
<v Speaker 2>fulfill her own potential and it can lead to resentment.

0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:42.920
<v Speaker 2>So either way, unfortunately, the lack of Mailrod Morole model

0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:45.280
<v Speaker 2>has a significant impact on how they behave with women.

0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:48.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I love that perspective, and it's such a fine line,

0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.720
<v Speaker 1>and I would argue that probably while I was dating

0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:54.560
<v Speaker 1>I was that kind of guy. It was only when

0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:58.160
<v Speaker 1>I got married to RADI did I upgrade to actually

0:18:58.200 --> 0:19:02.440
<v Speaker 1>realizing that I needed my partner to also pursue her purpose,

0:19:02.960 --> 0:19:07.240
<v Speaker 1>discover what it was, understand it. And that took a while.

0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:09.760
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and did you find that? Do you have that habit?

0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:12.240
<v Speaker 2>Because a lot of men in that position. Sometimes I'll

0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:14.680
<v Speaker 2>choose women that are heavily, heavily traumatized, or they choose

0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:17.560
<v Speaker 2>to women that I've never had any work and no work,

0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:20.880
<v Speaker 2>or they might choose somebody who is just really struggling

0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:23.600
<v Speaker 2>with it some addictions, and they like that because then

0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:25.399
<v Speaker 2>they're like, I can just show you and help you

0:19:25.840 --> 0:19:28.200
<v Speaker 2>and help you recover. But the problem is sometimes when

0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:30.760
<v Speaker 2>those women do recover, they want a man with higher

0:19:30.760 --> 0:19:33.040
<v Speaker 2>self esteem, somebody who wouldn't tolerate so much of that

0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:34.160
<v Speaker 2>negative behavior.

0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:36.320
<v Speaker 3>So they actually, wow, Yeah.

0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:38.800
<v Speaker 2>So sometimes I'll meet men who like, she had this addiction,

0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.399
<v Speaker 2>she was an alcoholic, she was traumatized from sexual abuse.

0:19:41.560 --> 0:19:43.440
<v Speaker 2>I helped her get through all of it. But when

0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:45.840
<v Speaker 2>she's recovered, she's actually looking at him like, why did

0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:47.480
<v Speaker 2>you tolerate all of that? Why did you select this?

0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:49.200
<v Speaker 2>There must be something wrong with you. I actually want

0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:52.439
<v Speaker 2>somebody who's got a higher selection process. Now, sometimes they

0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:54.399
<v Speaker 2>can lose that woman that they have, and women suffer

0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:56.639
<v Speaker 2>from this as well. They think that if I just

0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:59.200
<v Speaker 2>show him I'm consistent, caring and love him, I'm getting

0:19:59.200 --> 0:20:03.520
<v Speaker 2>through the addiction. When he finally recovers, he actually looks

0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:06.000
<v Speaker 2>for somebody with higher self esteem, and they end up

0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.119
<v Speaker 2>all that investment can sometimes go to waste.

0:20:08.160 --> 0:20:11.679
<v Speaker 1>So isn't that so heartbreaking? It is because that was

0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:15.520
<v Speaker 1>love in its best form, if someone was patient while

0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:18.840
<v Speaker 1>you healed and they supported you, Like, aren't we moving

0:20:18.840 --> 0:20:21.720
<v Speaker 1>away from love if we leave someone who is there

0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:23.240
<v Speaker 1>for us in our darkest times?

0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:26.080
<v Speaker 2>They are, but sometimes they don't know if you were

0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:28.400
<v Speaker 2>there because you love them or you're seeking their approval,

0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:32.320
<v Speaker 2>and a lot of people sometimes they are approval seeking

0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:35.680
<v Speaker 2>and master that through helping they will help that person financially,

0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:38.119
<v Speaker 2>help that person with every single problem that they have.

0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:41.600
<v Speaker 2>But there's an unconscious contract that the more I help you,

0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:44.560
<v Speaker 2>the more you will love me in return. And sometimes

0:20:44.560 --> 0:20:46.880
<v Speaker 2>we can see through it when it's not genuine. And

0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:48.840
<v Speaker 2>when that person can see through that this was all

0:20:48.840 --> 0:20:50.800
<v Speaker 2>done with a contract assigned to it that one day

0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:52.800
<v Speaker 2>you will then be lawyal, loving and committed to me,

0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:55.919
<v Speaker 2>they didn't agree to sign that contract. So when they're healed,

0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:58.280
<v Speaker 2>they can become ungrateful to the person who help them.

0:20:58.359 --> 0:20:59.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that makes so much sense.

0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:02.359
<v Speaker 2>So it just depends what the unconscious contractor is when

0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:03.040
<v Speaker 2>you're helping people.

0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:05.800
<v Speaker 1>I love that unconscious contract. Yeah, you're so right that

0:21:06.280 --> 0:21:08.159
<v Speaker 1>if you're doing it just to say, look, I was

0:21:08.160 --> 0:21:10.000
<v Speaker 1>there for you. Yeah, I was there the whole time.

0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:12.920
<v Speaker 1>You should love me more. Now people sense that. People

0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:15.240
<v Speaker 1>sense that, how do you communicate to someone that you're

0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:16.320
<v Speaker 1>there for the right reasons?

0:21:16.600 --> 0:21:19.680
<v Speaker 2>You have those boundaries, so how you communicate Because I

0:21:19.720 --> 0:21:21.359
<v Speaker 2>suffer from that as well. I like to be super

0:21:21.359 --> 0:21:24.159
<v Speaker 2>super helpful because then I'm like, I'm soor irreplaceable if

0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:27.040
<v Speaker 2>I do all these things, I'm sorry replaceable, right, And

0:21:27.240 --> 0:21:29.560
<v Speaker 2>there's unconscious ego attached to that. It's like, look, how

0:21:29.600 --> 0:21:31.520
<v Speaker 2>wonderful I am because I saw you through all your

0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:34.280
<v Speaker 2>financial woes and all this stuff. But really the best

0:21:34.280 --> 0:21:36.399
<v Speaker 2>way to communicate that you're there for love and not

0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:39.600
<v Speaker 2>for approval is that you still have deal breakers. Where

0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:42.280
<v Speaker 2>people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat.

0:21:42.359 --> 0:21:44.840
<v Speaker 2>There's nothing you can do that will make them ever leave.

0:21:45.080 --> 0:21:47.560
<v Speaker 2>Whereas where you're still loving but you're not for approval

0:21:47.560 --> 0:21:50.280
<v Speaker 2>seeking is there's a limit to how much you can take,

0:21:50.560 --> 0:21:54.520
<v Speaker 2>and if there's not at least gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty,

0:21:54.840 --> 0:21:55.480
<v Speaker 2>you will leave.

0:21:55.720 --> 0:21:57.080
<v Speaker 3>Whereas if you have no.

0:21:57.359 --> 0:22:00.240
<v Speaker 2>Deal breakers whatsoever and you're just consistently loving this, and

0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:03.200
<v Speaker 2>who is just taking from you, It signals low self

0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:06.240
<v Speaker 2>esteem to that person, and it signals an incorrect attachment.

0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:07.960
<v Speaker 1>You know what. I love talking to you because this

0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:10.879
<v Speaker 1>just everything you're talking about is like getting into the

0:22:10.920 --> 0:22:14.840
<v Speaker 1>real like Nuce. Like there's this gray layer of in

0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:19.040
<v Speaker 1>between of all these ideas and that's really what makes

0:22:19.080 --> 0:22:22.480
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<v Speaker 1>you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. As

0:23:56.520 --> 0:23:58.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm listening to you, the question that's coming to my

0:23:58.400 --> 0:24:01.840
<v Speaker 1>mind is we all seem to think we know why

0:24:02.560 --> 0:24:05.520
<v Speaker 1>men cheat on women. Why do women cheat on men?

0:24:05.720 --> 0:24:07.480
<v Speaker 2>I've gotten in a lot of trouble for saying this

0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:10.240
<v Speaker 2>in the perst. No soa Again, Usually in my experience

0:24:10.280 --> 0:24:13.240
<v Speaker 2>of when women cheat on men, it's not so much

0:24:13.480 --> 0:24:16.400
<v Speaker 2>that you know he's done something toxic. I've met women

0:24:16.440 --> 0:24:19.320
<v Speaker 2>who are in toxic relationships and stayed loyal the whole time.

0:24:19.880 --> 0:24:22.840
<v Speaker 2>It's simply when he lacks masculinity, they are most likely

0:24:22.920 --> 0:24:25.240
<v Speaker 2>to cheat. I don't actually see women often cheating on

0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:27.760
<v Speaker 2>a toxic man. They are actually quite loyal to him.

0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:29.719
<v Speaker 2>They're more likely to cheat on the man that is

0:24:29.760 --> 0:24:33.760
<v Speaker 2>too passive, too naive, and too people pleasing. And the

0:24:33.840 --> 0:24:37.080
<v Speaker 2>reason for that is because there's something about that man

0:24:37.200 --> 0:24:41.040
<v Speaker 2>that is so soft, so naive that makes her lose

0:24:41.080 --> 0:24:44.399
<v Speaker 2>sexual attraction. Something about the fact that he can't spot

0:24:44.440 --> 0:24:47.080
<v Speaker 2>red flag, something about the fact that he believes everything,

0:24:47.160 --> 0:24:50.480
<v Speaker 2>he doesn't question anything, he's afraid to assert his boundaries,

0:24:50.880 --> 0:24:55.040
<v Speaker 2>makes a woman crave somebody with a bit more masculinity.

0:24:55.480 --> 0:24:57.399
<v Speaker 2>So it's not so much that they're cheating on him

0:24:57.400 --> 0:24:59.080
<v Speaker 2>because he's so bad to her, Because I've met so

0:24:59.160 --> 0:25:01.440
<v Speaker 2>many women saying he's wonderful man. He treats me really,

0:25:01.480 --> 0:25:04.320
<v Speaker 2>really well. I'm just not in love with him. And

0:25:04.880 --> 0:25:07.040
<v Speaker 2>usually the reason why she's not in love with him

0:25:07.200 --> 0:25:11.880
<v Speaker 2>is because he's not protective enough. And what some men

0:25:11.920 --> 0:25:14.639
<v Speaker 2>will provide, but what we mean by protective is she

0:25:14.760 --> 0:25:17.000
<v Speaker 2>might be out all day with her ex boyfriend and

0:25:17.280 --> 0:25:19.640
<v Speaker 2>he won't get protective and say Hey, babe, I don't

0:25:19.640 --> 0:25:22.919
<v Speaker 2>feel comfortable, or she might be doing, you know, disrespect

0:25:22.920 --> 0:25:24.640
<v Speaker 2>to him or anything like that, and he doesn't stand

0:25:24.680 --> 0:25:26.879
<v Speaker 2>up for himself. And in those moments when a man

0:25:26.920 --> 0:25:30.359
<v Speaker 2>doesn't stand up for himself, she loses that respect and

0:25:30.359 --> 0:25:33.520
<v Speaker 2>then she crosses new boundaries because mainly she believes he

0:25:33.560 --> 0:25:36.600
<v Speaker 2>will stay regardless. And when we give our partners the

0:25:36.640 --> 0:25:39.240
<v Speaker 2>belief that regardless of how you behave, I will forgive

0:25:39.320 --> 0:25:42.520
<v Speaker 2>and maintain consistent, I'll love you regardless, we think we're

0:25:42.520 --> 0:25:45.320
<v Speaker 2>showing them unconditional love. But what they'll end up doing

0:25:45.480 --> 0:25:48.679
<v Speaker 2>is thinking that we are going to tolerate unconditional disrespect,

0:25:48.760 --> 0:25:51.200
<v Speaker 2>and they end up just pushing our boundaries more and more.

0:25:51.600 --> 0:25:52.359
<v Speaker 1>So what does he do?

0:25:52.760 --> 0:25:55.359
<v Speaker 2>So what he does is make sure he's aware of

0:25:55.440 --> 0:25:59.480
<v Speaker 2>when he's being disrespected. And we naturally human beings in general,

0:25:59.560 --> 0:26:01.000
<v Speaker 2>and I think this as men and women. If you

0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:04.440
<v Speaker 2>ever want to prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's

0:26:04.480 --> 0:26:05.760
<v Speaker 2>not so much that you have to spot the red

0:26:05.760 --> 0:26:07.679
<v Speaker 2>flags in the other person. Sometimes you can become a

0:26:07.720 --> 0:26:10.720
<v Speaker 2>person who never gets cheated on no matter what relationship

0:26:10.800 --> 0:26:13.200
<v Speaker 2>we go, and you can become immunized to it. And

0:26:13.280 --> 0:26:16.560
<v Speaker 2>the way to become immunized being cheated on is number one.

0:26:16.720 --> 0:26:20.240
<v Speaker 2>Understanding your partner's true needs, Understanding what they actually need

0:26:20.280 --> 0:26:22.520
<v Speaker 2>in a relationship and asking yourself, can I commit to that?

0:26:22.760 --> 0:26:24.480
<v Speaker 2>So some people be in a relationship with somebody who's

0:26:24.480 --> 0:26:26.600
<v Speaker 2>got a really high sex stripe, they just can't meet

0:26:26.640 --> 0:26:27.040
<v Speaker 2>that need.

0:26:27.359 --> 0:26:29.600
<v Speaker 3>If you know you can't, at some point that relationship

0:26:29.600 --> 0:26:30.320
<v Speaker 3>is going to suffer.

0:26:30.720 --> 0:26:32.680
<v Speaker 2>Or sometimes you might meet a partner who really needs

0:26:32.680 --> 0:26:34.720
<v Speaker 2>financial support and you can't meet that need. At some

0:26:34.880 --> 0:26:37.359
<v Speaker 2>point that relationship will break down. So understand your partner's

0:26:37.359 --> 0:26:41.000
<v Speaker 2>true needs. The second thing is knowing that if they

0:26:41.040 --> 0:26:43.920
<v Speaker 2>did cheat on you, you would leave. If you give

0:26:44.040 --> 0:26:46.520
<v Speaker 2>the signals to your partner that you wouldn't leave no

0:26:46.520 --> 0:26:49.200
<v Speaker 2>matter what they do, and you don't meet the needs

0:26:49.200 --> 0:26:51.520
<v Speaker 2>of each other, chances out that relationship will let end

0:26:51.560 --> 0:26:54.040
<v Speaker 2>in infidelity. But if you meet each other's needs and

0:26:54.119 --> 0:26:56.240
<v Speaker 2>you have a rule, both of you have a particular rule,

0:26:56.280 --> 0:26:58.360
<v Speaker 2>like if it did happen, I'm going to leave, There's

0:26:58.400 --> 0:26:59.480
<v Speaker 2>no two ways about it.

0:27:00.040 --> 0:27:01.440
<v Speaker 3>So your partner won't take that risk.

0:27:01.520 --> 0:27:03.760
<v Speaker 2>They only take that risk when they believe unconsciously you're

0:27:03.760 --> 0:27:05.880
<v Speaker 2>going to accept their behavior regardless of what they do,

0:27:06.240 --> 0:27:08.840
<v Speaker 2>and the signals of that come earlier on. So it

0:27:08.920 --> 0:27:10.960
<v Speaker 2>might be early signals that you catch that they're still

0:27:10.960 --> 0:27:11.359
<v Speaker 2>on Tinder.

0:27:11.440 --> 0:27:12.040
<v Speaker 3>You forgive them.

0:27:12.080 --> 0:27:13.680
<v Speaker 2>You go through their phone, you find that they're still

0:27:13.680 --> 0:27:15.840
<v Speaker 2>talking to other people. You forgive them. You forgive the

0:27:15.880 --> 0:27:18.359
<v Speaker 2>footsteps too many times. I'm not saying you've become toxic

0:27:18.400 --> 0:27:20.959
<v Speaker 2>and don't forgive anything, but you let them know that

0:27:21.000 --> 0:27:23.359
<v Speaker 2>this behavior is not something I tolerate. You can do it,

0:27:23.440 --> 0:27:25.640
<v Speaker 2>no problem, but I'm not going to stick around for it.

0:27:25.760 --> 0:27:27.879
<v Speaker 2>When they learn that you mean what you say, they'll

0:27:28.320 --> 0:27:30.280
<v Speaker 2>naturally improve. But if they see that you make a

0:27:30.280 --> 0:27:32.960
<v Speaker 2>big kuha, you screamage out, but you actually tolerate more

0:27:33.000 --> 0:27:36.040
<v Speaker 2>and more disrespect. You give them the signal that you'll

0:27:36.080 --> 0:27:38.399
<v Speaker 2>accept any behavior, and they start taking more risks if

0:27:38.400 --> 0:27:39.240
<v Speaker 2>it's the wrong person.

0:27:39.440 --> 0:27:43.040
<v Speaker 1>What happens when someone is not in an abusive way,

0:27:43.240 --> 0:27:46.320
<v Speaker 1>but they are disrespecting you. You make them aware that

0:27:46.359 --> 0:27:51.280
<v Speaker 1>they're disrespecting you in a assertive way, but they keep

0:27:51.320 --> 0:27:51.840
<v Speaker 1>doing it.

0:27:52.640 --> 0:27:54.600
<v Speaker 2>What do you do when you can't change others, You

0:27:54.640 --> 0:27:56.440
<v Speaker 2>have to change yourself, And the only thing you can

0:27:56.520 --> 0:28:00.840
<v Speaker 2>do is withdraw and remove access utunately, that's the only

0:28:00.880 --> 0:28:03.000
<v Speaker 2>way to teach people how to treat you correctly, is

0:28:03.040 --> 0:28:05.360
<v Speaker 2>you remove the perks of being with you. And if

0:28:05.359 --> 0:28:07.240
<v Speaker 2>they don't, if they and some people are scared to

0:28:07.240 --> 0:28:09.399
<v Speaker 2>do that because they worry, then I'll lose them. But

0:28:09.440 --> 0:28:12.640
<v Speaker 2>you'll lose a person who's going to continuously get more disrespectful.

0:28:12.960 --> 0:28:16.639
<v Speaker 1>We're so scared of being alone, yeah, and we're so

0:28:16.800 --> 0:28:20.159
<v Speaker 1>scared of not being with someone that I think we

0:28:20.240 --> 0:28:22.560
<v Speaker 1>continue to accept that disrespect.

0:28:22.280 --> 0:28:24.320
<v Speaker 2>I know, but sometimes it's more lonely staying with the

0:28:24.359 --> 0:28:26.919
<v Speaker 2>wrong person. And this is why I think having a

0:28:26.960 --> 0:28:29.960
<v Speaker 2>good social network is as important as having a good

0:28:30.000 --> 0:28:34.639
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship. A healthy relationship without a social network will

0:28:34.720 --> 0:28:37.720
<v Speaker 2>lead to codependency. But your social network is so so

0:28:37.760 --> 0:28:41.040
<v Speaker 2>important because what it does is as a relationship starts

0:28:41.040 --> 0:28:42.960
<v Speaker 2>to fall apart, that fear of walking away when you

0:28:43.000 --> 0:28:45.800
<v Speaker 2>need to is lessened. But when you don't have a

0:28:45.800 --> 0:28:49.600
<v Speaker 2>social network, as that relationship starts to fall apart, you

0:28:49.880 --> 0:28:52.440
<v Speaker 2>will tolerate more and more abuse because you're just so

0:28:52.520 --> 0:28:54.880
<v Speaker 2>afraid of being alone, which we all are. We all are,

0:28:54.960 --> 0:28:57.280
<v Speaker 2>But having a good social network acts as a buffer

0:28:57.320 --> 0:28:57.480
<v Speaker 2>for that.

0:28:58.160 --> 0:29:00.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I mean, when I'm listening to you talk about

0:29:01.000 --> 0:29:04.200
<v Speaker 1>the type of man that women want, and the fact

0:29:04.240 --> 0:29:06.840
<v Speaker 1>that if he's too much of a pushover, too sensitive,

0:29:06.920 --> 0:29:09.440
<v Speaker 1>too much of a you know, walk over, Yeah, they

0:29:09.480 --> 0:29:10.240
<v Speaker 1>lose respect.

0:29:10.800 --> 0:29:14.080
<v Speaker 2>They may cheat, they made chea And from my work,

0:29:14.120 --> 0:29:17.120
<v Speaker 2>what I've noticed is women fall in love in three stages,

0:29:17.400 --> 0:29:20.000
<v Speaker 2>and if any of those stages are missing, the relationship

0:29:20.000 --> 0:29:22.080
<v Speaker 2>will either break down very quickly or it break down

0:29:22.160 --> 0:29:24.280
<v Speaker 2>very slowly, but it will break down. And I call

0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:26.040
<v Speaker 2>it the three a's, and I have like a program

0:29:26.040 --> 0:29:28.160
<v Speaker 2>on it. The first thing is women have to be

0:29:28.240 --> 0:29:30.800
<v Speaker 2>truly attracted to their man in order for the relationship

0:29:30.800 --> 0:29:33.200
<v Speaker 2>to actually turn into love. At some stage, there has

0:29:33.240 --> 0:29:36.760
<v Speaker 2>to be physical attraction because naturally that fades with time,

0:29:36.840 --> 0:29:39.360
<v Speaker 2>and you know, we so much familiarity. If we don't

0:29:39.360 --> 0:29:41.560
<v Speaker 2>have that to begin with, it can become very difficult

0:29:41.600 --> 0:29:43.880
<v Speaker 2>to start a romantic relationship. This is why we have

0:29:43.880 --> 0:29:45.800
<v Speaker 2>so many friends, so many male friends, because if we're

0:29:45.800 --> 0:29:48.520
<v Speaker 2>not truly attracted him, even if he's wonderful, we can't

0:29:48.520 --> 0:29:50.800
<v Speaker 2>start a romantic relationship. So I always say it starts

0:29:50.800 --> 0:29:54.000
<v Speaker 2>with attraction. The second stage for a woman to truly

0:29:54.000 --> 0:29:55.600
<v Speaker 2>fall in love with the man, she has to admire

0:29:55.640 --> 0:29:58.480
<v Speaker 2>who he is and what that means is with or

0:29:58.480 --> 0:30:00.760
<v Speaker 2>without her influence. He's just a man that she admires.

0:30:00.760 --> 0:30:02.480
<v Speaker 2>He's got a great job, he's got a good network

0:30:02.560 --> 0:30:05.280
<v Speaker 2>of friends. He's got lots of self control. He's not

0:30:05.280 --> 0:30:07.400
<v Speaker 2>an addict, and he's not addicted. He's got good level

0:30:07.440 --> 0:30:09.800
<v Speaker 2>of self control in terms of money, his body, his

0:30:09.880 --> 0:30:12.160
<v Speaker 2>sexual behavior. It's not all over the place. So she

0:30:12.240 --> 0:30:15.640
<v Speaker 2>truly admires him. And then once she's attracted and admires him,

0:30:15.920 --> 0:30:18.720
<v Speaker 2>then she needs adoration from him. He needs to show her,

0:30:18.840 --> 0:30:22.040
<v Speaker 2>adore her, reassure her all of those things. If she

0:30:22.120 --> 0:30:24.720
<v Speaker 2>gets all three of those chances out, her relationship won't

0:30:24.720 --> 0:30:27.200
<v Speaker 2>break down. But if any of those are missing, maybe

0:30:27.240 --> 0:30:29.960
<v Speaker 2>he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she's not truly

0:30:29.960 --> 0:30:32.400
<v Speaker 2>attracted to him, at some stages in the relationship will

0:30:32.400 --> 0:30:35.320
<v Speaker 2>break down because that adoration will feel like neediness. Or

0:30:35.360 --> 0:30:37.440
<v Speaker 2>let's say, for example, she's truly attracted to him and

0:30:37.560 --> 0:30:39.800
<v Speaker 2>he's giving her lots of reassurance, but he's not an

0:30:39.840 --> 0:30:43.120
<v Speaker 2>admirable man. He's not working, he's not achieving, he's not

0:30:43.200 --> 0:30:45.040
<v Speaker 2>doing a lot, even though she might love him, And

0:30:45.120 --> 0:30:47.480
<v Speaker 2>it might be a slow breakdown, but some stage she'll

0:30:47.520 --> 0:30:49.959
<v Speaker 2>need someone she can admire, particularly when she has children.

0:30:50.240 --> 0:30:52.680
<v Speaker 2>So without those three ingredients, I don't think women realize this,

0:30:52.760 --> 0:30:55.320
<v Speaker 2>but if any of those are missing, they will some

0:30:55.480 --> 0:30:56.440
<v Speaker 2>stage lose interest.

0:30:56.720 --> 0:30:59.360
<v Speaker 1>That's a great three step formula. And I think so

0:30:59.760 --> 0:31:03.200
<v Speaker 1>much of the time we get so hooked on the

0:31:03.680 --> 0:31:07.400
<v Speaker 1>attraction path. Yes, yeah, that we overvalue it compared to

0:31:07.440 --> 0:31:09.720
<v Speaker 1>the other two. So if he's not six foot four

0:31:10.440 --> 0:31:14.920
<v Speaker 1>and he's not got you know, a particular colored hair

0:31:15.120 --> 0:31:19.200
<v Speaker 1>or whatever, it is, right, like, the physical appearance becomes

0:31:19.240 --> 0:31:22.520
<v Speaker 1>so much more overvalued than the other two, or the

0:31:22.600 --> 0:31:26.080
<v Speaker 1>admiration piece becomes so overvalued. So if he's not making

0:31:26.160 --> 0:31:29.160
<v Speaker 1>enough money, he's not how do you kind of look

0:31:29.200 --> 0:31:30.920
<v Speaker 1>at them as are they equal?

0:31:31.040 --> 0:31:34.120
<v Speaker 2>Are they over They're actually equal, They're actually equally. If

0:31:34.160 --> 0:31:36.720
<v Speaker 2>you have lots of physical attraction, you admire him lots,

0:31:36.880 --> 0:31:38.480
<v Speaker 2>but he's not showing you any admiration.

0:31:38.880 --> 0:31:40.880
<v Speaker 3>That will literally turn into a toxic relationship.

0:31:41.080 --> 0:31:43.440
<v Speaker 2>You'll be begging for hugs and kisses and he won't

0:31:43.440 --> 0:31:45.200
<v Speaker 2>give it to you. You'll be begging for him to

0:31:45.200 --> 0:31:46.760
<v Speaker 2>give you compliments. He won't give it to you, but

0:31:46.760 --> 0:31:48.600
<v Speaker 2>you won't. You'll be stuck because you're like, I know,

0:31:48.640 --> 0:31:50.600
<v Speaker 2>he's a good man. So many women come to me

0:31:50.640 --> 0:31:52.840
<v Speaker 2>and say, I know he's a good man. He's got

0:31:52.840 --> 0:31:54.880
<v Speaker 2>a great job. He's such a he's so good at

0:31:54.880 --> 0:31:57.320
<v Speaker 2>his work. All his friends love him. She admires him,

0:31:57.320 --> 0:31:59.560
<v Speaker 2>and she's attracted him, but he doesn't adore her.

0:32:00.080 --> 0:32:02.640
<v Speaker 3>She suffers a lot. He will start rejecting her sexually,

0:32:02.760 --> 0:32:05.280
<v Speaker 3>doesn't remind us she's beautiful. She feels so.

0:32:05.880 --> 0:32:08.840
<v Speaker 2>Invisible around him, but she's stuck because she's like on paper,

0:32:08.840 --> 0:32:11.360
<v Speaker 2>he's a great man. So she's got two of those

0:32:11.480 --> 0:32:14.240
<v Speaker 2>ingredients other times, and this is where the nice guy suffers.

0:32:14.440 --> 0:32:17.840
<v Speaker 2>She's got so much adoration, so much reassurance. He loves her,

0:32:17.960 --> 0:32:20.600
<v Speaker 2>he adores her, he's a good man, but she's just

0:32:20.640 --> 0:32:23.480
<v Speaker 2>not attracted to him. And she's pushing herself to really

0:32:23.520 --> 0:32:27.360
<v Speaker 2>love him, but she just simply can't find the physical attraction.

0:32:27.600 --> 0:32:30.120
<v Speaker 2>And then she kind of thinks gaslights herself and be like,

0:32:30.280 --> 0:32:32.360
<v Speaker 2>am I an evil person? How can I not love him?

0:32:32.880 --> 0:32:35.520
<v Speaker 2>There's nothing wrong with you, it's just those three ingredients

0:32:35.520 --> 0:32:37.600
<v Speaker 2>if they're not there. And I know it sounds like

0:32:37.640 --> 0:32:39.520
<v Speaker 2>we're being super fussy, but it doesn't have to be

0:32:39.520 --> 0:32:41.959
<v Speaker 2>super fussy. My husband's no oil painting it's not that.

0:32:42.040 --> 0:32:44.040
<v Speaker 2>It's just the fact that I am attracted. It's as

0:32:44.080 --> 0:32:46.640
<v Speaker 2>simple as that. And it doesn't mean he's cured cancer.

0:32:46.760 --> 0:32:48.120
<v Speaker 2>I just admire the person he is.

0:32:48.120 --> 0:32:50.120
<v Speaker 3>That's all it is. He doesn't have to be extreme.

0:32:50.240 --> 0:32:53.120
<v Speaker 2>It's just that I've got attraction and admiration and the

0:32:53.160 --> 0:32:56.160
<v Speaker 2>adoration you just need your level of that. Missing those

0:32:56.280 --> 0:32:59.000
<v Speaker 2>ingredients is either a quick end because it will be

0:32:59.000 --> 0:33:01.120
<v Speaker 2>toxic he's just not you the love you need, or

0:33:01.120 --> 0:33:03.160
<v Speaker 2>it'll be a slow one because you're not getting you're

0:33:03.200 --> 0:33:05.400
<v Speaker 2>not truly attracted. But either way, it will break down.

0:33:05.520 --> 0:33:07.440
<v Speaker 1>I think the key part of that is, though, what

0:33:07.480 --> 0:33:10.240
<v Speaker 1>you just said in regards to your own husband is

0:33:10.240 --> 0:33:12.520
<v Speaker 1>it's about how you feel, that's all. And I think

0:33:12.560 --> 0:33:14.560
<v Speaker 1>the challenge, going back to what we were talking about earlier,

0:33:15.000 --> 0:33:18.120
<v Speaker 1>is so many of our expectations of our partner are

0:33:18.160 --> 0:33:20.800
<v Speaker 1>based on like do my friends like them, Do they

0:33:20.840 --> 0:33:25.120
<v Speaker 1>have a good, you know, online presence? Are they successful

0:33:25.160 --> 0:33:28.320
<v Speaker 1>at their job compared to And it's like you can

0:33:28.360 --> 0:33:30.720
<v Speaker 1>only look at it through your angle, yeah, only because

0:33:30.760 --> 0:33:33.280
<v Speaker 1>you could compare forever and you're no matter who how

0:33:33.360 --> 0:33:36.280
<v Speaker 1>successful your partner is, they'd always be second to someone

0:33:36.280 --> 0:33:36.800
<v Speaker 1>else out there.

0:33:36.800 --> 0:33:38.440
<v Speaker 2>In the world, especially in this day and age, it

0:33:38.520 --> 0:33:40.800
<v Speaker 2>always like, not everybody's going to have a husband that

0:33:40.880 --> 0:33:43.640
<v Speaker 2>is great at writing poems and singing songs about them,

0:33:43.960 --> 0:33:45.960
<v Speaker 2>but he still adores you in his way, and that

0:33:46.040 --> 0:33:47.880
<v Speaker 2>works for you. You don't know, and you know sometimes

0:33:47.880 --> 0:33:49.239
<v Speaker 2>some girls will be like, oh my god, you go

0:33:49.280 --> 0:33:52.240
<v Speaker 2>fifty to fifty with your husband. I could never But

0:33:52.280 --> 0:33:54.480
<v Speaker 2>if that works in your marriage and you're both doing

0:33:54.480 --> 0:33:55.800
<v Speaker 2>the best you can, that's perfect.

0:33:55.840 --> 0:33:56.600
<v Speaker 3>Like, it's totally fine.

0:33:56.600 --> 0:33:58.600
<v Speaker 2>You don't have to compare yourself to the standards that

0:33:58.640 --> 0:34:01.080
<v Speaker 2>have been hijacked by TikTok me. Just as long as

0:34:01.120 --> 0:34:03.360
<v Speaker 2>it works for you, no problem. But if you miss

0:34:03.360 --> 0:34:06.400
<v Speaker 2>those ingredients, unfortunately, at some stage you'll realize that the

0:34:06.400 --> 0:34:07.719
<v Speaker 2>relationship is not quite working.

0:34:08.080 --> 0:34:09.560
<v Speaker 3>And doesn't mean you become extra fussy.

0:34:09.600 --> 0:34:11.360
<v Speaker 2>It just means you pay attention to this and you

0:34:11.360 --> 0:34:13.000
<v Speaker 2>figure out which of those is missing and try and

0:34:13.000 --> 0:34:15.960
<v Speaker 2>work on that. Maybe the adoration is missing, try and

0:34:16.000 --> 0:34:18.160
<v Speaker 2>work on that, maybe the attraction is missing. There's nothing

0:34:18.160 --> 0:34:20.040
<v Speaker 2>wrong with telling your partner, babe, i'd love it if

0:34:20.040 --> 0:34:22.319
<v Speaker 2>we start working out together. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

0:34:22.640 --> 0:34:25.080
<v Speaker 2>But if we miss those things and then we ignore

0:34:25.200 --> 0:34:27.720
<v Speaker 2>the resolution unfortunate, our relationships will suffer.

0:34:28.040 --> 0:34:29.640
<v Speaker 1>I think that's my favorite checklistuff ever.

0:34:30.800 --> 0:34:33.359
<v Speaker 3>It just it's simple, but it works.

0:34:33.719 --> 0:34:38.840
<v Speaker 1>It's simple, but it's really powerful because it's not just

0:34:38.880 --> 0:34:42.920
<v Speaker 1>a random checklist. It's things you could actually observe in

0:34:43.040 --> 0:34:45.319
<v Speaker 1>how you feel. And you're right, it's all three. It's

0:34:45.360 --> 0:34:49.120
<v Speaker 1>just all three because often the admiration piece just overclouds

0:34:49.160 --> 0:34:51.400
<v Speaker 1>the other stuff. And I always say to someone, you're

0:34:51.440 --> 0:34:54.800
<v Speaker 1>not marrying someone's resume. Yeah, you're not dating someone's bank balance.

0:34:55.200 --> 0:34:56.880
<v Speaker 2>And because I live in to buy, I see this

0:34:56.920 --> 0:34:59.319
<v Speaker 2>a lot. They'll meet a CEO, he's an entrepreneur and

0:34:59.320 --> 0:35:01.279
<v Speaker 2>he pays all the bill and he's fantastic. He really

0:35:01.320 --> 0:35:03.839
<v Speaker 2>is fantastic at that, but either she's not attracted him

0:35:03.960 --> 0:35:06.439
<v Speaker 2>or he's too busy to give her any adoration. At

0:35:06.480 --> 0:35:08.759
<v Speaker 2>some stage, you're crave it. If we could just do

0:35:08.840 --> 0:35:10.879
<v Speaker 2>one and just live a relationship on one, I would

0:35:10.880 --> 0:35:13.359
<v Speaker 2>tell women to just focus on one. Some men are

0:35:13.400 --> 0:35:15.560
<v Speaker 2>better at doing one. They just physically attracted and they're

0:35:15.600 --> 0:35:17.560
<v Speaker 2>kind of happy with that, but it's an empty libe.

0:35:17.680 --> 0:35:20.560
<v Speaker 2>I think for women, we really crave all three of them.

0:35:20.719 --> 0:35:23.120
<v Speaker 2>Outside of that, honestly, it doesn't matter if he buys

0:35:23.120 --> 0:35:25.040
<v Speaker 2>your flowers every day, if you write superms, if you

0:35:25.080 --> 0:35:27.000
<v Speaker 2>make tiktoks with you or not, they really don't matter.

0:35:27.160 --> 0:35:29.080
<v Speaker 2>Just have those three you'll be fine, God willing.

0:35:29.320 --> 0:35:31.640
<v Speaker 1>So those are the three a's for women. What about

0:35:31.680 --> 0:35:32.040
<v Speaker 1>for men?

0:35:32.280 --> 0:35:34.040
<v Speaker 2>It's the three l's I call it for men. The

0:35:34.080 --> 0:35:36.239
<v Speaker 2>first one is they do need some lust. I know

0:35:36.280 --> 0:35:39.480
<v Speaker 2>it sounds really shallow, but if they're not sexually attracted

0:35:39.520 --> 0:35:41.440
<v Speaker 2>to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter

0:35:41.520 --> 0:35:43.640
<v Speaker 2>what the relationship is like, especially in this day and

0:35:43.680 --> 0:35:47.200
<v Speaker 2>age where they're saturated with porn, they will shift their

0:35:47.200 --> 0:35:50.040
<v Speaker 2>attention elsewhere. So there has to be some level of lust.

0:35:50.040 --> 0:35:51.839
<v Speaker 2>And what I mean by lust is they're attracted to you,

0:35:51.880 --> 0:35:55.560
<v Speaker 2>but this sexual connection between, this synergy in that area.

0:35:56.120 --> 0:35:58.120
<v Speaker 2>The second thing, and I think men don't realize, is

0:35:58.280 --> 0:36:00.800
<v Speaker 2>that we actually need They need some lady but invested

0:36:00.800 --> 0:36:02.960
<v Speaker 2>in their partner. And what I mean by that is

0:36:03.000 --> 0:36:06.320
<v Speaker 2>emotional and financial labor invested in their partners. Some men

0:36:06.680 --> 0:36:10.000
<v Speaker 2>will think, oh, she's successful, she doesn't need any financial investment,

0:36:10.160 --> 0:36:12.520
<v Speaker 2>or she doesn't need any emotional she's strong.

0:36:12.880 --> 0:36:13.680
<v Speaker 3>They just need it.

0:36:13.719 --> 0:36:15.759
<v Speaker 2>The moment they invest in a woman, they're more likely

0:36:15.800 --> 0:36:18.360
<v Speaker 2>to see that relationship go through. If he's not taking

0:36:18.360 --> 0:36:20.279
<v Speaker 2>her anywhere and not doing anything for her, if the

0:36:20.320 --> 0:36:23.319
<v Speaker 2>relationship ends, he's not bothered. Basically, if he's invested in her,

0:36:23.360 --> 0:36:25.560
<v Speaker 2>he's taken on, he places, he's bought a few things,

0:36:25.560 --> 0:36:28.160
<v Speaker 2>he's done, he's invested emotionally in financially to her, he's

0:36:28.200 --> 0:36:30.200
<v Speaker 2>more likely to want to see that relationship work out.

0:36:30.520 --> 0:36:32.240
<v Speaker 3>And the final thing is the loyalty.

0:36:32.680 --> 0:36:34.719
<v Speaker 2>If they don't become loyal and the woman and there's

0:36:34.719 --> 0:36:36.959
<v Speaker 2>no loyalty in that relationship and they've got their options open,

0:36:37.040 --> 0:36:39.719
<v Speaker 2>they're not truly in love. They need those three things

0:36:39.760 --> 0:36:41.400
<v Speaker 2>in order for them to truly be in love. They

0:36:41.480 --> 0:36:43.719
<v Speaker 2>need to first need lust, have some lust, put some

0:36:43.880 --> 0:36:46.920
<v Speaker 2>labor into that relationship, and then they need to be loyal.

0:36:47.000 --> 0:36:48.799
<v Speaker 2>If they say that I'm in love with you, but

0:36:48.840 --> 0:36:54.839
<v Speaker 2>I'm not loyal truly, they're missing something. They need it reciprocated.

0:36:54.920 --> 0:36:56.840
<v Speaker 2>If you're not loyal to them and they still love you,

0:36:56.880 --> 0:36:59.200
<v Speaker 2>that's actually they're stuck in the lust stage. They need

0:36:59.239 --> 0:37:01.759
<v Speaker 2>reciprocated loyalty in order for it to be truly a

0:37:01.760 --> 0:37:03.879
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship, and then they're fine.

0:37:03.920 --> 0:37:09.040
<v Speaker 3>After that. We don't care about that they'll be fine.

0:37:09.280 --> 0:37:12.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, no, no, it makes a lot of sense. I'm

0:37:12.840 --> 0:37:15.960
<v Speaker 1>thinking about just I feel like you've totally reframed.

0:37:16.520 --> 0:37:19.200
<v Speaker 2>What can I ask you though, because I might be

0:37:19.200 --> 0:37:22.080
<v Speaker 2>wrong for a man's perspective, is that correct or not?

0:37:22.120 --> 0:37:24.200
<v Speaker 3>Really? Is there something that you would say that you

0:37:24.400 --> 0:37:25.960
<v Speaker 3>need a little bit more or less of?

0:37:26.280 --> 0:37:26.960
<v Speaker 1>Let me think on that.

0:37:26.960 --> 0:37:29.200
<v Speaker 2>It's a great question, because what I'm trying to say

0:37:29.239 --> 0:37:31.480
<v Speaker 2>is that because sometimes I meet men and they meet

0:37:31.480 --> 0:37:34.200
<v Speaker 2>a wonderful woman, They've put a lot of energy, invested

0:37:34.239 --> 0:37:36.080
<v Speaker 2>a lot into her. They're very loyal to each other.

0:37:36.120 --> 0:37:39.160
<v Speaker 2>But because there's no attraction left, of course, they turn

0:37:39.200 --> 0:37:42.880
<v Speaker 2>to pornography too much. And that is a very slippery slope.

0:37:43.000 --> 0:37:46.239
<v Speaker 2>And that's why a little bit they need some lust

0:37:46.280 --> 0:37:49.719
<v Speaker 2>in their first and foremost before those other properties can

0:37:49.760 --> 0:37:50.959
<v Speaker 2>be valued in a woman.

0:37:51.360 --> 0:37:52.600
<v Speaker 1>Well, I mean it goes back to what we were

0:37:52.600 --> 0:37:55.480
<v Speaker 1>saying earlier. You told us why women cheat. Yeah, this

0:37:55.520 --> 0:37:56.239
<v Speaker 1>is why men cheat.

0:37:56.440 --> 0:37:59.799
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's a big factor. And I you know, I

0:37:59.840 --> 0:38:02.120
<v Speaker 2>know we like to think that people cheat simply because

0:38:02.120 --> 0:38:04.879
<v Speaker 2>they're narcissists and simply because they're like that. There are

0:38:04.880 --> 0:38:06.560
<v Speaker 2>some men that come that way. There are some men

0:38:06.600 --> 0:38:08.640
<v Speaker 2>that genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what

0:38:08.680 --> 0:38:11.000
<v Speaker 2>the relationship is, they're too broken to be faithful. They

0:38:11.040 --> 0:38:13.840
<v Speaker 2>feel uncomfortable being faithful. They're going to cheat on everyone.

0:38:13.920 --> 0:38:16.480
<v Speaker 2>But a lot of the time they are deprived of

0:38:16.480 --> 0:38:20.200
<v Speaker 2>the intimacy. Yeah, either because they just didn't choose a

0:38:20.200 --> 0:38:22.319
<v Speaker 2>woman that was attracted to them to begin with, or

0:38:22.360 --> 0:38:25.600
<v Speaker 2>they ruin the intimacy by inviting too much pornography or

0:38:25.640 --> 0:38:28.279
<v Speaker 2>alternatives into relationship and now they've got no intimacy left

0:38:28.320 --> 0:38:31.080
<v Speaker 2>with their partner. But when they do lose the intimacy,

0:38:31.160 --> 0:38:34.919
<v Speaker 2>they lose the motivation to be loyal. They think they're

0:38:34.960 --> 0:38:37.160
<v Speaker 2>more likely to be loyal to a women that gives

0:38:37.200 --> 0:38:38.880
<v Speaker 2>them good intimacy than a woman that gives them a

0:38:38.880 --> 0:38:42.200
<v Speaker 2>good life because they think why their motivation to be

0:38:42.239 --> 0:38:45.480
<v Speaker 2>loyal decreases as their sexual intimacy dies in their relationship,

0:38:45.760 --> 0:38:47.480
<v Speaker 2>so they're more likely to be open to it. So

0:38:47.680 --> 0:38:49.799
<v Speaker 2>I always tell people, try and guard your marriage by

0:38:49.800 --> 0:38:52.439
<v Speaker 2>embedding the intimacy in it as regularly as you can.

0:38:52.800 --> 0:38:56.000
<v Speaker 1>No, I think you've hit the core root things that

0:38:56.040 --> 0:38:58.080
<v Speaker 1>people are looking for, and how they show up is

0:38:58.080 --> 0:39:01.279
<v Speaker 1>always different. Yes, And I think that's why I was

0:39:01.280 --> 0:39:03.839
<v Speaker 1>saying earlier, it feels like you've hit the core at

0:39:03.880 --> 0:39:06.160
<v Speaker 1>the root of what's needed trying to I don't think

0:39:06.200 --> 0:39:08.680
<v Speaker 1>you've missed anything. I'm just sitting with it. But I

0:39:08.719 --> 0:39:11.319
<v Speaker 1>think anything that I would say are only things that

0:39:12.239 --> 0:39:16.319
<v Speaker 1>are part of those Like, for example, you know the

0:39:16.360 --> 0:39:20.640
<v Speaker 1>loyalty piece includes respect, like both people are looking for respect.

0:39:21.160 --> 0:39:26.040
<v Speaker 1>I think that the loyalty police includes like they believe

0:39:26.040 --> 0:39:28.399
<v Speaker 1>in your goals and you believe in there's like there's

0:39:28.760 --> 0:39:29.719
<v Speaker 1>root causes, and I.

0:39:29.640 --> 0:39:32.279
<v Speaker 2>Think sometimes those women. We can remove the labor part,

0:39:32.920 --> 0:39:35.000
<v Speaker 2>hoping that he would think that we're so low maintenance

0:39:35.000 --> 0:39:37.200
<v Speaker 2>he won't put any investment in us. Roby so easy,

0:39:37.360 --> 0:39:39.560
<v Speaker 2>we become the hook up girl. So what I mean

0:39:39.600 --> 0:39:41.759
<v Speaker 2>by that is, if we remove his ability to put

0:39:41.840 --> 0:39:44.200
<v Speaker 2>labor into us, we don't say to him like, let's

0:39:44.200 --> 0:39:45.920
<v Speaker 2>go on dates. We don't say like, look, when are

0:39:45.960 --> 0:39:48.040
<v Speaker 2>we getting married. There's no emotional we don't burden him

0:39:48.080 --> 0:39:49.720
<v Speaker 2>with any problems, and we think, no, let's.

0:39:49.520 --> 0:39:50.000
<v Speaker 3>Just be cool.

0:39:50.480 --> 0:39:52.960
<v Speaker 2>We think that being cool eventually he will lead to

0:39:53.040 --> 0:39:55.520
<v Speaker 2>us as commitment and he'll become loyal to us. Actually,

0:39:55.560 --> 0:39:57.600
<v Speaker 2>he has to put the labor in in order for

0:39:57.680 --> 0:40:00.479
<v Speaker 2>us to see see as something worth being law too,

0:40:00.840 --> 0:40:03.480
<v Speaker 2>So if we deprive them of that, we actually are

0:40:03.560 --> 0:40:05.560
<v Speaker 2>enhancing the chances of us just being a hook up,

0:40:05.560 --> 0:40:06.200
<v Speaker 2>short term fling.

0:40:06.360 --> 0:40:07.719
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's how you avoid being.

0:40:07.760 --> 0:40:10.520
<v Speaker 2>The avoid being the fling is making it so easy

0:40:10.520 --> 0:40:12.480
<v Speaker 2>for them, And I know it's so tempting because sometimes

0:40:12.560 --> 0:40:15.000
<v Speaker 2>you're thinking, he's such a lovely guy, really attracted to him,

0:40:15.360 --> 0:40:17.520
<v Speaker 2>And if I insist on a few dates, orr, if

0:40:17.560 --> 0:40:20.480
<v Speaker 2>I insist on like maybe going away together, maybe I'll

0:40:20.480 --> 0:40:22.560
<v Speaker 2>lose him. But you'll only lose people who are not

0:40:22.600 --> 0:40:23.920
<v Speaker 2>willing to invest in you anyway.

0:40:24.040 --> 0:40:26.200
<v Speaker 3>So unfortunately, being too easy it can work.

0:40:26.239 --> 0:40:28.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm not saying it never works, but at the same time,

0:40:28.719 --> 0:40:31.000
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't motivate them in any way, shape or form

0:40:31.040 --> 0:40:33.360
<v Speaker 2>to actually make this serious because they've got it so easy.

0:40:33.719 --> 0:40:36.840
<v Speaker 1>What's the difference between the woman a man dates and

0:40:36.880 --> 0:40:37.920
<v Speaker 1>the woman a man marries.

0:40:38.200 --> 0:40:40.440
<v Speaker 2>I would say the key difference is the element of

0:40:40.440 --> 0:40:43.520
<v Speaker 2>stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is

0:40:43.560 --> 0:40:46.160
<v Speaker 2>being with a man who is super social, who's a

0:40:46.160 --> 0:40:48.640
<v Speaker 2>big drinker and has got all these friends in busy

0:40:48.719 --> 0:40:51.000
<v Speaker 2>or day every day and got this amazing life.

0:40:51.239 --> 0:40:52.080
<v Speaker 3>Is great for dates.

0:40:52.200 --> 0:40:53.880
<v Speaker 2>You get to go on great vacations with him, You

0:40:53.920 --> 0:40:55.440
<v Speaker 2>get to go to red, nice restaurants and so on

0:40:55.480 --> 0:40:57.759
<v Speaker 2>and so forth. But when we get when it comes

0:40:57.760 --> 0:40:59.799
<v Speaker 2>to getting married, if you don't look for a man

0:41:00.080 --> 0:41:02.480
<v Speaker 2>that a lot of self control, you will really suffer.

0:41:02.880 --> 0:41:04.799
<v Speaker 2>And what I mean by this is that he needs

0:41:04.840 --> 0:41:07.000
<v Speaker 2>to have self control in terms of his sexual discipline.

0:41:07.160 --> 0:41:08.640
<v Speaker 2>He needs self control in terms of what he puts

0:41:08.640 --> 0:41:10.560
<v Speaker 2>into his body, even the food he eats everything, And

0:41:10.600 --> 0:41:12.360
<v Speaker 2>he needs self control when it comes to his money.

0:41:12.600 --> 0:41:15.920
<v Speaker 2>If in those areas he's got no self control for dating,

0:41:15.960 --> 0:41:18.800
<v Speaker 2>no problem, it doesn't matter. Yeah, he can be sexually wild,

0:41:18.880 --> 0:41:20.719
<v Speaker 2>he can spend all his money, no problem. You can

0:41:20.800 --> 0:41:23.279
<v Speaker 2>enjoy a great life when you marry a man like that.

0:41:23.680 --> 0:41:27.120
<v Speaker 2>Every day's anxiety, every single day's anxiety because his lack

0:41:27.120 --> 0:41:29.120
<v Speaker 2>of self control will lead to lack of self respect,

0:41:29.200 --> 0:41:31.160
<v Speaker 2>and as a result, he'll have such low self esteem

0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:33.640
<v Speaker 2>that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men

0:41:33.719 --> 0:41:35.680
<v Speaker 2>with lots of self control, you can trust that they

0:41:35.719 --> 0:41:38.440
<v Speaker 2>make great decisions. You can trust their judgment, and you

0:41:38.480 --> 0:41:41.239
<v Speaker 2>can finally start a family or start your goals. But

0:41:41.280 --> 0:41:42.759
<v Speaker 2>you can't do that with men who have got no

0:41:42.800 --> 0:41:43.440
<v Speaker 2>self control.

0:41:43.600 --> 0:41:45.600
<v Speaker 1>Do you know what the amazing thing is that as

0:41:45.640 --> 0:41:47.040
<v Speaker 1>I was listening to you, I was thinking about, like,

0:41:47.200 --> 0:41:50.360
<v Speaker 1>men don't learn that anywhere. No, they it's so hard,

0:41:50.400 --> 0:41:52.720
<v Speaker 1>Like if I never lived as a monk, I wouldn't

0:41:52.719 --> 0:41:53.120
<v Speaker 1>have any sense.

0:41:53.280 --> 0:41:55.200
<v Speaker 3>What's your biggest lesson? Were living with money?

0:41:55.200 --> 0:41:57.600
<v Speaker 1>I mean a big part of it is self control,

0:41:57.680 --> 0:42:00.520
<v Speaker 1>like don't you don't you eat what you're giving? You

0:42:00.600 --> 0:42:04.880
<v Speaker 1>celibate while you're there. There's complete focus in determination on

0:42:04.960 --> 0:42:09.720
<v Speaker 1>the path. And so there were so many amazing mental

0:42:09.760 --> 0:42:13.480
<v Speaker 1>mastery tools that I gained in terms of discipline an

0:42:13.520 --> 0:42:16.120
<v Speaker 1>organization that I don't know where else I would have

0:42:16.160 --> 0:42:16.600
<v Speaker 1>learned them.

0:42:16.800 --> 0:42:18.920
<v Speaker 3>Can you excel as a man without self control? Do

0:42:18.920 --> 0:42:19.200
<v Speaker 3>you think?

0:42:19.239 --> 0:42:19.719
<v Speaker 1>I don't think so.

0:42:19.880 --> 0:42:21.279
<v Speaker 3>It's an impossibility, isn't it.

0:42:21.760 --> 0:42:25.000
<v Speaker 1>That's what you're saying. I just feel bad because I

0:42:25.000 --> 0:42:25.759
<v Speaker 1>can't think of.

0:42:26.000 --> 0:42:28.439
<v Speaker 2>It's the opposite that actually we're told men are being

0:42:28.440 --> 0:42:30.279
<v Speaker 2>told that be with as many women as you can.

0:42:30.480 --> 0:42:31.600
<v Speaker 3>We have zero.

0:42:31.680 --> 0:42:35.800
<v Speaker 2>Sexual discipline, and you know, you can kind of eat whatever,

0:42:35.880 --> 0:42:37.960
<v Speaker 2>and there's always a zembic, so don't worry about it

0:42:38.040 --> 0:42:38.160
<v Speaker 2>or this.

0:42:38.520 --> 0:42:40.640
<v Speaker 3>We're actually being told to reduce.

0:42:40.440 --> 0:42:43.680
<v Speaker 2>Our like our self control and replace it with hedonism

0:42:44.080 --> 0:42:46.279
<v Speaker 2>follow your impulses and you only live once.

0:42:46.400 --> 0:42:47.160
<v Speaker 3>Just do it.

0:42:47.239 --> 0:42:49.799
<v Speaker 2>That kind of mentality when it comes to drinking, when

0:42:49.800 --> 0:42:51.879
<v Speaker 2>it comes to food, when it comes to money, to spend, spend,

0:42:51.880 --> 0:42:54.759
<v Speaker 2>spend all these things. Unfortunately, we're pushing men into a

0:42:54.800 --> 0:42:57.840
<v Speaker 2>slow and steady depression because we're reducing the importance of

0:42:57.880 --> 0:43:01.000
<v Speaker 2>self control and replacing it with self indult audience. And

0:43:01.120 --> 0:43:03.719
<v Speaker 2>that is a slow suicide for a man. He will

0:43:03.719 --> 0:43:06.520
<v Speaker 2>only start to respect himself when he can control himself.

0:43:06.560 --> 0:43:08.759
<v Speaker 2>And they're only when he can control himself he can

0:43:08.800 --> 0:43:11.040
<v Speaker 2>then excel. And if you pick a man who can't

0:43:11.040 --> 0:43:13.239
<v Speaker 2>control himself, you'll spend the rest of your life trying

0:43:13.239 --> 0:43:14.919
<v Speaker 2>to control him, and it will bring out the worst

0:43:14.960 --> 0:43:18.799
<v Speaker 2>side of you. You'll become a mother to a child

0:43:18.840 --> 0:43:20.000
<v Speaker 2>you'd never wanted to adopt.

0:43:20.360 --> 0:43:26.399
<v Speaker 1>Wow, that might drop. They're so powerful. It's as I'm

0:43:26.440 --> 0:43:29.680
<v Speaker 1>listening to you, I'm just sitting here thinking how much

0:43:29.840 --> 0:43:35.360
<v Speaker 1>there is a need in helping men realize the mental mastery, sense, control,

0:43:35.960 --> 0:43:39.279
<v Speaker 1>discipline are what's going to find the right person. But

0:43:39.320 --> 0:43:42.680
<v Speaker 1>I think the problem is men also believe that if

0:43:42.680 --> 0:43:45.600
<v Speaker 1>they're the life of the party, if they're the big spender,

0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:49.120
<v Speaker 1>if they're the big guy at the that's what's going

0:43:49.120 --> 0:43:50.680
<v Speaker 1>to attract the right person.

0:43:50.920 --> 0:43:53.600
<v Speaker 2>Attract a chaotic person. There are women, lots of women

0:43:53.600 --> 0:43:55.279
<v Speaker 2>that were like that. There are lots and lots of

0:43:55.280 --> 0:43:57.200
<v Speaker 2>women that were like that. You're a big spender, you're

0:43:57.239 --> 0:44:00.160
<v Speaker 2>spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night and or

0:44:00.160 --> 0:44:01.440
<v Speaker 2>the life and soul of the party. But it will

0:44:01.440 --> 0:44:03.520
<v Speaker 2>attract women who want a fast life. Dome probably don't

0:44:03.520 --> 0:44:05.640
<v Speaker 2>want to invest in you. They're probably not going to

0:44:05.680 --> 0:44:08.200
<v Speaker 2>be there when you're suffering and you're on a downward spiral.

0:44:08.680 --> 0:44:11.399
<v Speaker 2>My reason I'm so strict on men when it comes

0:44:11.440 --> 0:44:14.520
<v Speaker 2>to self discipline and sexual discipline in particular, is we

0:44:14.560 --> 0:44:16.239
<v Speaker 2>live in a time where men don't really get a

0:44:16.320 --> 0:44:18.359
<v Speaker 2>say in when a baby is born. It's not really

0:44:18.440 --> 0:44:20.000
<v Speaker 2>up to them if that child stays. And all women

0:44:20.040 --> 0:44:21.400
<v Speaker 2>have the right way. I don't know what it's like

0:44:21.440 --> 0:44:23.440
<v Speaker 2>in America, but usually we get to control if we

0:44:23.719 --> 0:44:25.120
<v Speaker 2>want to keep the baby or don't want to keep

0:44:25.120 --> 0:44:27.680
<v Speaker 2>the baby, and as a result, we get some autonomy.

0:44:27.719 --> 0:44:30.279
<v Speaker 2>If it's the wrong man perfect we don't have to

0:44:30.280 --> 0:44:32.880
<v Speaker 2>suffer the consequences. But with men, if you get the

0:44:32.920 --> 0:44:34.719
<v Speaker 2>wrong person and you don't have a good relationship, and

0:44:34.719 --> 0:44:37.120
<v Speaker 2>then you bring children into that mix, you create a

0:44:37.160 --> 0:44:39.359
<v Speaker 2>generation of broken children, and you.

0:44:39.280 --> 0:44:40.360
<v Speaker 3>Are more responsible for that.

0:44:40.480 --> 0:44:42.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because you have to be more careful than women do.

0:44:42.600 --> 0:44:44.200
<v Speaker 2>Because we still have autonomy. We can get rid of

0:44:44.239 --> 0:44:45.920
<v Speaker 2>a child if we need to. You can't really have

0:44:45.960 --> 0:44:47.440
<v Speaker 2>that much say in it. So you have to be

0:44:47.520 --> 0:44:50.799
<v Speaker 2>so disciplined with who you are laying down with, and

0:44:50.840 --> 0:44:53.160
<v Speaker 2>if you're I know men who have ruined their families

0:44:53.400 --> 0:44:55.719
<v Speaker 2>just because they couldn't control themselves sexually, or just because

0:44:55.719 --> 0:44:58.399
<v Speaker 2>they couldn't have that right conversation with their wife and say, look,

0:44:58.400 --> 0:45:01.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm missing the intimacy, Maybe we should just part Instead,

0:45:01.719 --> 0:45:04.040
<v Speaker 2>they just light a flame into their own home and

0:45:04.080 --> 0:45:07.279
<v Speaker 2>then suffer the consequences. So sexual discipline is a really

0:45:07.280 --> 0:45:09.880
<v Speaker 2>really important one for men, followed by financial discipline, and

0:45:09.920 --> 0:45:11.400
<v Speaker 2>then of course in terms of your food and your

0:45:11.400 --> 0:45:13.240
<v Speaker 2>health and stuff like that I think is really important.

0:45:13.360 --> 0:45:16.680
<v Speaker 1>What's your take on women sleeping with men too early.

0:45:16.960 --> 0:45:18.960
<v Speaker 2>I think it's really difficult for women because a lot

0:45:19.000 --> 0:45:21.359
<v Speaker 2>of women do want to preserve themselves. They don't want

0:45:21.360 --> 0:45:23.759
<v Speaker 2>to jump into sleeping with men so early. But what

0:45:23.800 --> 0:45:25.560
<v Speaker 2>they're finding in this day and age is if they

0:45:25.600 --> 0:45:27.759
<v Speaker 2>don't lead with that. The men don't even want to

0:45:27.760 --> 0:45:30.320
<v Speaker 2>know them anymore. Men have no longer wanted to invest

0:45:30.320 --> 0:45:32.640
<v Speaker 2>in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that.

0:45:32.719 --> 0:45:35.040
<v Speaker 2>So they're almost stuck between am I just going to

0:45:35.080 --> 0:45:37.320
<v Speaker 2>stay lonely forever? Or do I end up just sleeping

0:45:37.320 --> 0:45:38.960
<v Speaker 2>with men? Or I'm not even that keen on but

0:45:39.000 --> 0:45:41.040
<v Speaker 2>I have to stay in the game. So they are

0:45:41.040 --> 0:45:43.640
<v Speaker 2>really stuck. But what I would say is, try not

0:45:43.719 --> 0:45:47.560
<v Speaker 2>to accelerate your physical intimacy above the psychological intimacy. You

0:45:47.560 --> 0:45:49.880
<v Speaker 2>can sleep within that same day, but if you've really

0:45:49.920 --> 0:45:53.040
<v Speaker 2>had strong psychological intimacy, you know where you two are going.

0:45:53.160 --> 0:45:54.799
<v Speaker 2>You are in a good place with each other. Do

0:45:54.880 --> 0:45:57.520
<v Speaker 2>whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all

0:45:57.560 --> 0:46:00.239
<v Speaker 2>the sex will do is enhance your own insecurity, to

0:46:00.360 --> 0:46:03.000
<v Speaker 2>enhance your own anxieties about the relationship, and then it

0:46:03.000 --> 0:46:05.480
<v Speaker 2>will leave you dampened into the dating market when you

0:46:05.520 --> 0:46:08.120
<v Speaker 2>go back into it, and negativity with the new man

0:46:08.160 --> 0:46:10.040
<v Speaker 2>and the new man, so it just lowers your own

0:46:10.040 --> 0:46:13.360
<v Speaker 2>self esteem. So try and accelerate the psychological intimacy first.

0:46:13.640 --> 0:46:17.759
<v Speaker 1>How would you define psychological intimacy versus like, we're just

0:46:17.960 --> 0:46:19.040
<v Speaker 1>excited by being.

0:46:18.880 --> 0:46:22.600
<v Speaker 2>To your chemistry, Yeah, it's difficult. Chemistry is how much

0:46:22.640 --> 0:46:25.680
<v Speaker 2>you're enjoying the person's company. You can have great chemistry

0:46:25.680 --> 0:46:29.799
<v Speaker 2>with everybody. Psychological intimacy is how much you're similar in

0:46:29.840 --> 0:46:32.439
<v Speaker 2>your goals and values. So how similar I can enjoy

0:46:32.440 --> 0:46:34.960
<v Speaker 2>the company of somebody really easily. No, it's not a problem.

0:46:35.160 --> 0:46:36.839
<v Speaker 2>But you might realize that they're still you know, they're

0:46:36.880 --> 0:46:38.759
<v Speaker 2>still parting a lot, maybe they're still on drugs, maybe

0:46:38.760 --> 0:46:41.879
<v Speaker 2>they're doing that. But psychological intimacy is do we have

0:46:41.960 --> 0:46:44.200
<v Speaker 2>the same vision of where we see ourselves in five, six,

0:46:44.280 --> 0:46:46.840
<v Speaker 2>ten years time, and are we both aligned in the

0:46:46.880 --> 0:46:48.719
<v Speaker 2>values that will take us there. And if we've got

0:46:48.760 --> 0:46:51.000
<v Speaker 2>an alignment, you're probably quite intimate. If you haven't got

0:46:51.000 --> 0:46:53.520
<v Speaker 2>an alignment, you can enjoy them, but chances are it

0:46:53.560 --> 0:46:55.200
<v Speaker 2>won't be a long lasting relationship.

0:46:55.840 --> 0:46:58.759
<v Speaker 1>Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from

0:46:58.760 --> 0:47:02.600
<v Speaker 1>our sponsors, and now let's get back to the episode.

0:47:02.960 --> 0:47:06.520
<v Speaker 1>I like the idea that physical intimacy should follow the

0:47:06.560 --> 0:47:11.960
<v Speaker 1>pace of psychological intimacy because then there's actual closeness. Yeah,

0:47:12.000 --> 0:47:16.360
<v Speaker 1>and you're not using physical closeness as a substitute for

0:47:16.440 --> 0:47:18.200
<v Speaker 1>actually having a deeper, meaningful connection.

0:47:18.320 --> 0:47:19.399
<v Speaker 3>And a lot of people do that.

0:47:19.640 --> 0:47:23.480
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes they got with somebody they're so physically intimate, and

0:47:23.480 --> 0:47:25.400
<v Speaker 2>then they're discovering things that they have nothing in common

0:47:25.440 --> 0:47:27.359
<v Speaker 2>with each other. But because they've now slept together, they're

0:47:27.400 --> 0:47:29.440
<v Speaker 2>kind of prolonging this relationship longer than it needs to.

0:47:29.480 --> 0:47:30.880
<v Speaker 3>It's almost like dragging a dead horse.

0:47:31.200 --> 0:47:33.400
<v Speaker 2>So if they can accelerate, And I know, it's difficult

0:47:33.440 --> 0:47:36.319
<v Speaker 2>because it's hard competing with men that push for it,

0:47:36.440 --> 0:47:38.319
<v Speaker 2>or we're living in a world where men will ask

0:47:38.360 --> 0:47:40.719
<v Speaker 2>for pictures straight away and stuff like that, So it's

0:47:40.719 --> 0:47:42.839
<v Speaker 2>hard for the woman that is. And I always say this,

0:47:42.880 --> 0:47:45.239
<v Speaker 2>it's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to

0:47:45.280 --> 0:47:46.839
<v Speaker 2>find a man in this day and age. The woman

0:47:46.840 --> 0:47:50.480
<v Speaker 2>that's not prepared to lead sexually and lead with that,

0:47:50.920 --> 0:47:53.239
<v Speaker 2>she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are

0:47:53.440 --> 0:47:55.560
<v Speaker 2>and so and a bit like some men then maybe

0:47:55.600 --> 0:47:58.000
<v Speaker 2>they don't want to lead with finances, but they find

0:47:58.040 --> 0:48:00.919
<v Speaker 2>themselves being overlooked. So the people who are actually going

0:48:00.920 --> 0:48:03.600
<v Speaker 2>into relationships with the correct intentions are finding it the

0:48:03.680 --> 0:48:04.400
<v Speaker 2>most difficult.

0:48:04.640 --> 0:48:05.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's hard.

0:48:05.560 --> 0:48:06.799
<v Speaker 3>It's so hard for them.

0:48:07.239 --> 0:48:09.239
<v Speaker 1>And you shouldn't lower your standards.

0:48:09.440 --> 0:48:11.279
<v Speaker 2>You shouldn't and but I can see why people do.

0:48:11.480 --> 0:48:13.920
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to be judgmental because I can completely understand.

0:48:13.920 --> 0:48:15.120
<v Speaker 2>I don't know what it's like to be single in

0:48:15.120 --> 0:48:16.560
<v Speaker 2>this day and age, and I can imagine. So at

0:48:16.600 --> 0:48:18.480
<v Speaker 2>some point, you're just like, if I keep having these

0:48:18.520 --> 0:48:20.680
<v Speaker 2>high standards, I'm never going to meet somebody. What I

0:48:20.719 --> 0:48:23.520
<v Speaker 2>would say is keep your intrinsic standards high and your

0:48:23.560 --> 0:48:25.880
<v Speaker 2>extrinsic ones low. And what I mean by that is,

0:48:26.280 --> 0:48:28.640
<v Speaker 2>keep your standards of how you like to be treated

0:48:28.680 --> 0:48:31.360
<v Speaker 2>emotionally really high. Do you like to expact? Do you

0:48:31.480 --> 0:48:34.560
<v Speaker 2>like labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high?

0:48:34.800 --> 0:48:36.800
<v Speaker 2>Or regular time together doesn't even have to be dates,

0:48:37.000 --> 0:48:39.279
<v Speaker 2>Keep that high. But keep your extrinsic values like does

0:48:39.320 --> 0:48:40.200
<v Speaker 2>he take me on holidays?

0:48:40.239 --> 0:48:40.840
<v Speaker 3>Is he going to buy me?

0:48:40.880 --> 0:48:40.960
<v Speaker 1>This?

0:48:41.120 --> 0:48:41.239
<v Speaker 3>Is it?

0:48:41.280 --> 0:48:43.840
<v Speaker 2>Got mis sent me flowers? Keep those low. They're not

0:48:43.880 --> 0:48:44.839
<v Speaker 2>relevant in the long run.

0:48:44.920 --> 0:48:46.880
<v Speaker 1>Everything you're saying is in my venuon is spot on.

0:48:47.680 --> 0:48:50.879
<v Speaker 1>It's such great advice, and I really hope everyone who's

0:48:50.880 --> 0:48:54.480
<v Speaker 1>listening is taking notes because there's so much that you're

0:48:54.520 --> 0:48:57.840
<v Speaker 1>sharing that I think you're so clear in your approach.

0:48:58.600 --> 0:49:01.480
<v Speaker 1>I think it's really practical. I think it will connect.

0:49:01.880 --> 0:49:04.160
<v Speaker 1>But I've heard you say before that if someone cheats

0:49:04.200 --> 0:49:06.880
<v Speaker 1>on you, it's partly your fault. I do say that,

0:49:07.080 --> 0:49:08.120
<v Speaker 1>and I wanted to hear your.

0:49:09.600 --> 0:49:11.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I know that sounds terrible, and I say this

0:49:11.480 --> 0:49:14.720
<v Speaker 2>particularly with you know, men especially, I'm like, it's always

0:49:14.760 --> 0:49:17.200
<v Speaker 2>were in fault. And the reason I say that's most

0:49:17.280 --> 0:49:20.200
<v Speaker 2>cheaters come with smoking guns on the first day. There's

0:49:20.239 --> 0:49:24.600
<v Speaker 2>always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And

0:49:24.640 --> 0:49:28.040
<v Speaker 2>whenever you catch them cheating, usually so they say, I

0:49:28.120 --> 0:49:30.120
<v Speaker 2>always knew because from day one they were like this.

0:49:30.560 --> 0:49:32.759
<v Speaker 2>And I always say people usually don't lie. They might

0:49:32.880 --> 0:49:35.360
<v Speaker 2>say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty

0:49:35.400 --> 0:49:37.200
<v Speaker 2>much from day one. And it might have been that

0:49:37.200 --> 0:49:39.040
<v Speaker 2>they were in a relationship when you met them, or

0:49:39.080 --> 0:49:40.400
<v Speaker 2>it might have been that you caught them in a

0:49:40.400 --> 0:49:42.399
<v Speaker 2>few lives when you first got with them, you would

0:49:42.440 --> 0:49:45.680
<v Speaker 2>have caught some signs that this person is capable of

0:49:45.719 --> 0:49:48.719
<v Speaker 2>deeper lies. And when I'm not saying you should always

0:49:48.719 --> 0:49:52.160
<v Speaker 2>look for the bad. But when we keep ignoring poor behavior,

0:49:52.520 --> 0:49:56.120
<v Speaker 2>what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from

0:49:56.160 --> 0:49:58.799
<v Speaker 2>the truth. We are going into denial. I actually don't

0:49:58.800 --> 0:50:00.880
<v Speaker 2>have a problem even if your partner is cheating no problem.

0:50:01.200 --> 0:50:03.680
<v Speaker 2>You have to have radical, radical relationship.

0:50:03.239 --> 0:50:03.760
<v Speaker 3>With the truth.

0:50:04.040 --> 0:50:05.880
<v Speaker 2>And there are some women out there that are mistresses.

0:50:05.920 --> 0:50:08.319
<v Speaker 2>They're so happy in that role because they know the truth.

0:50:08.400 --> 0:50:10.560
<v Speaker 2>They know that he goes there spend time with his wife.

0:50:10.600 --> 0:50:13.160
<v Speaker 2>I'll see when I see him. Truth is really important.

0:50:13.200 --> 0:50:15.120
<v Speaker 2>So the more you align yourself with truth, the more

0:50:15.120 --> 0:50:18.520
<v Speaker 2>you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing

0:50:18.560 --> 0:50:21.200
<v Speaker 2>red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months,

0:50:21.920 --> 0:50:24.200
<v Speaker 2>somebody is not coming home one time. Nothing's adding up,

0:50:24.400 --> 0:50:28.719
<v Speaker 2>and you keep making excuses. Unfortunately, we create the environment

0:50:28.760 --> 0:50:31.600
<v Speaker 2>for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better

0:50:31.680 --> 0:50:34.200
<v Speaker 2>that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity.

0:50:34.480 --> 0:50:37.040
<v Speaker 2>Doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your

0:50:37.080 --> 0:50:40.080
<v Speaker 2>treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue

0:50:40.120 --> 0:50:42.160
<v Speaker 2>like that, they don't have to cheat. The behavior is

0:50:42.280 --> 0:50:43.960
<v Speaker 2>enough for you to start setting a boundary and the

0:50:44.000 --> 0:50:46.400
<v Speaker 2>behaviors you don't need. Because some cheaters will say, well,

0:50:46.440 --> 0:50:49.040
<v Speaker 2>you can't prove anything. Cheatas will always want you to

0:50:49.320 --> 0:50:51.879
<v Speaker 2>catch them red handed, you as the person, should say,

0:50:51.920 --> 0:50:53.960
<v Speaker 2>I don't need red handed evidence. I can see your

0:50:54.000 --> 0:50:57.040
<v Speaker 2>behaviors not treating me rightly. Stop them there before they

0:50:57.040 --> 0:50:59.080
<v Speaker 2>get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.

0:50:59.239 --> 0:51:00.520
<v Speaker 1>That's where the gas line comes in.

0:51:00.680 --> 0:51:02.120
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, that's where the gaslighting.

0:51:02.160 --> 0:51:03.680
<v Speaker 1>Yes, people get gas They.

0:51:03.520 --> 0:51:04.960
<v Speaker 3>Do get gaslighted really heavily.

0:51:04.960 --> 0:51:07.040
<v Speaker 2>And this is even as a psychologist, and you know,

0:51:07.120 --> 0:51:09.120
<v Speaker 2>when I'm as a therapist, and this is where I

0:51:09.160 --> 0:51:11.200
<v Speaker 2>have to be a lot more empathetic because I've had

0:51:11.239 --> 0:51:13.759
<v Speaker 2>clients there that were like, she keeps accusing me, and

0:51:13.800 --> 0:51:16.759
<v Speaker 2>they're so like convincing that I'm like, you need to

0:51:16.760 --> 0:51:19.120
<v Speaker 2>stop accusing him. I don't, and then she'll take to me.

0:51:19.120 --> 0:51:20.640
<v Speaker 2>Afterwards I found out he was having an affair the

0:51:20.680 --> 0:51:23.399
<v Speaker 2>whole time. So the gas lighting is very very real.

0:51:23.719 --> 0:51:26.120
<v Speaker 2>But the feeling they give you is always true. So

0:51:26.160 --> 0:51:28.319
<v Speaker 2>they'll lie to you or their words their lips will

0:51:28.320 --> 0:51:30.960
<v Speaker 2>be learned. But you're feeling that got instinct that something's

0:51:31.000 --> 0:51:33.400
<v Speaker 2>not right or they're lying. To try and pay attention

0:51:33.480 --> 0:51:35.719
<v Speaker 2>to that, and even if you never get evidence, that

0:51:35.920 --> 0:51:40.600
<v Speaker 2>feeling is partly your partner's responsibility to help soothe those anxieties,

0:51:40.640 --> 0:51:42.560
<v Speaker 2>not make them worse. So if you have that feeling

0:51:42.640 --> 0:51:44.799
<v Speaker 2>and they're just like maybe like whatever you need, like

0:51:45.080 --> 0:51:46.680
<v Speaker 2>to make you feel better, I have no problem. I've

0:51:46.680 --> 0:51:48.480
<v Speaker 2>got nothing to hide. But if they get less and

0:51:48.520 --> 0:51:50.520
<v Speaker 2>less transparent, try and pay attention to that.

0:51:50.880 --> 0:51:54.160
<v Speaker 1>What I'm hearing from you is, if you pay attention

0:51:54.239 --> 0:51:57.960
<v Speaker 1>to the signs that you're seeing, you don't let yourself

0:51:58.040 --> 0:52:00.439
<v Speaker 1>be in a position where you're taking advantage I'm saying.

0:52:00.480 --> 0:52:02.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm saying, No, your partner better than they know themselves.

0:52:02.680 --> 0:52:05.319
<v Speaker 2>At the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than.

0:52:05.200 --> 0:52:06.319
<v Speaker 3>They can so.

0:52:06.440 --> 0:52:07.920
<v Speaker 2>And I'm sure you have this with Radi where you

0:52:07.960 --> 0:52:10.080
<v Speaker 2>probably know her so so well that it would be

0:52:10.120 --> 0:52:12.000
<v Speaker 2>difficult for her to have a double life without you.

0:52:12.000 --> 0:52:14.239
<v Speaker 3>You know her behaviors.

0:52:13.800 --> 0:52:15.880
<v Speaker 2>Or where she moves, how she talks, how she kisses you,

0:52:16.000 --> 0:52:17.920
<v Speaker 2>everything you pay close attention.

0:52:18.320 --> 0:52:20.000
<v Speaker 3>We pay so much attention to your partner.

0:52:19.760 --> 0:52:21.719
<v Speaker 2>It's quite difficult for them to live a whole double

0:52:21.920 --> 0:52:24.360
<v Speaker 2>life without you catching on. So try and stay at

0:52:24.400 --> 0:52:25.440
<v Speaker 2>tuned as much as you can.

0:52:25.640 --> 0:52:28.759
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, every relationship has a rhythm as a pattern, and

0:52:28.840 --> 0:52:31.359
<v Speaker 1>when the pattern's off, you check in. I think one

0:52:31.360 --> 0:52:34.200
<v Speaker 1>of the things I see in relationship struggling is, especially

0:52:34.200 --> 0:52:37.719
<v Speaker 1>as they get longer term, is we don't recommit, so

0:52:37.800 --> 0:52:40.760
<v Speaker 1>life changes. Right. Me and Radi had a dating life

0:52:40.800 --> 0:52:43.040
<v Speaker 1>when we got married. We had to recommit to a

0:52:43.040 --> 0:52:45.200
<v Speaker 1>different way of living. When we got married. Then we

0:52:45.239 --> 0:52:47.160
<v Speaker 1>lived in New York, we had to recommit to a

0:52:47.160 --> 0:52:49.680
<v Speaker 1>different way of living. We moved to la different way

0:52:49.680 --> 0:52:52.800
<v Speaker 1>of living. It's almost like I've dated so many different

0:52:52.840 --> 0:52:56.480
<v Speaker 1>people in radi as in, she's evolved, she's changed and

0:52:56.760 --> 0:52:59.360
<v Speaker 1>saying back at me. Probably to some degree, but I

0:52:59.360 --> 0:53:01.760
<v Speaker 1>think we don't I keep when our partner changes, Yeah,

0:53:01.920 --> 0:53:03.799
<v Speaker 1>and we almost want them to stay the same. Or

0:53:04.600 --> 0:53:07.839
<v Speaker 1>I've heard maybe you say before that we almost want

0:53:07.960 --> 0:53:11.680
<v Speaker 1>our The guy wants the woman to never change, yeah,

0:53:11.719 --> 0:53:13.560
<v Speaker 1>and the woman wants the man to change.

0:53:13.640 --> 0:53:14.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. That's the problem.

0:53:15.239 --> 0:53:18.360
<v Speaker 2>One thing I say is that some men are committed

0:53:18.360 --> 0:53:20.920
<v Speaker 2>to their marriage. And what that means is they're committed

0:53:21.000 --> 0:53:23.239
<v Speaker 2>to that woman as she changes, as they change, is

0:53:23.280 --> 0:53:25.200
<v Speaker 2>they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person

0:53:25.239 --> 0:53:27.800
<v Speaker 2>that they've they married, and they will stay loyal forever.

0:53:28.280 --> 0:53:30.120
<v Speaker 2>Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell

0:53:30.120 --> 0:53:32.239
<v Speaker 2>in love with. As long as she stays exactly like

0:53:32.280 --> 0:53:34.520
<v Speaker 2>the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts

0:53:34.520 --> 0:53:36.600
<v Speaker 2>to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they

0:53:36.600 --> 0:53:39.040
<v Speaker 2>don't accept change. You just have to decide what type

0:53:39.040 --> 0:53:40.920
<v Speaker 2>of person are you are? Are you deciding to commit

0:53:40.960 --> 0:53:43.840
<v Speaker 2>to the marriage, and actually what that means is following

0:53:43.920 --> 0:53:47.120
<v Speaker 2>them through the evolution, getting to know them at every stage,

0:53:47.200 --> 0:53:48.000
<v Speaker 2>and staying.

0:53:47.719 --> 0:53:48.680
<v Speaker 3>Loyal throughout it.

0:53:48.800 --> 0:53:50.640
<v Speaker 2>But if you're somebody who's just committing to the person

0:53:50.680 --> 0:53:52.760
<v Speaker 2>you fell in love with, the moment that person starts

0:53:52.760 --> 0:53:55.080
<v Speaker 2>to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start

0:53:55.080 --> 0:53:57.520
<v Speaker 2>to wonder. So it might be good to have that

0:53:57.560 --> 0:54:00.200
<v Speaker 2>conversation with each other, which one are we? And can

0:54:00.239 --> 0:54:02.600
<v Speaker 2>we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage

0:54:02.640 --> 0:54:04.640
<v Speaker 2>rather than just each other, so that we can help

0:54:04.640 --> 0:54:07.640
<v Speaker 2>each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change.

0:54:07.760 --> 0:54:09.640
<v Speaker 1>What can a woman do to make sure a man

0:54:09.680 --> 0:54:10.680
<v Speaker 1>doesn't she on her.

0:54:10.840 --> 0:54:13.600
<v Speaker 2>Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected.

0:54:13.880 --> 0:54:16.120
<v Speaker 2>That's all it really takes. When men know that you

0:54:16.160 --> 0:54:18.719
<v Speaker 2>will always be there for them. You're there, ride or die.

0:54:18.800 --> 0:54:21.560
<v Speaker 2>You accept any kind of disrespect. They've been abusive, you

0:54:21.600 --> 0:54:23.799
<v Speaker 2>accept it. They've been coming home late, you accept it.

0:54:24.040 --> 0:54:25.960
<v Speaker 2>They are talking to other people, you accept it. And

0:54:26.000 --> 0:54:28.879
<v Speaker 2>you always make excuses for them. I know you love him,

0:54:29.120 --> 0:54:32.040
<v Speaker 2>and I know your love is unconditional, but respects shouldn't

0:54:32.040 --> 0:54:35.799
<v Speaker 2>be unconditional. Yeah, she shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of

0:54:35.800 --> 0:54:39.239
<v Speaker 2>that behavior. And when and I know human behavior, we

0:54:39.280 --> 0:54:41.360
<v Speaker 2>should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We

0:54:41.400 --> 0:54:43.719
<v Speaker 2>should appreciate the person who loves us regardless.

0:54:43.920 --> 0:54:46.359
<v Speaker 3>We just don't. Unfortunately, we just don't.

0:54:46.640 --> 0:54:49.319
<v Speaker 2>So when they see that your love is totally unconditional,

0:54:49.760 --> 0:54:52.399
<v Speaker 2>they will start abusing that love that you have for them.

0:54:52.440 --> 0:54:54.440
<v Speaker 2>But when they learn that you love them, you're very

0:54:54.520 --> 0:54:56.600
<v Speaker 2>loyal to them, you care about them, but that doesn't

0:54:56.600 --> 0:54:58.759
<v Speaker 2>give them a license to abuse you or hurt you,

0:54:59.120 --> 0:55:01.040
<v Speaker 2>then they are more like to stay in line. So

0:55:01.080 --> 0:55:03.800
<v Speaker 2>I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating

0:55:04.200 --> 0:55:06.959
<v Speaker 2>is knowing that you have a willingness to walk away

0:55:06.960 --> 0:55:09.759
<v Speaker 2>and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect, they start

0:55:09.800 --> 0:55:10.279
<v Speaker 2>to show you a.

0:55:10.200 --> 0:55:10.840
<v Speaker 3>Bit more respect.

0:55:10.880 --> 0:55:12.560
<v Speaker 2>And I've noticed so many men who have cheated on

0:55:12.600 --> 0:55:14.279
<v Speaker 2>their wives, and they were.

0:55:14.320 --> 0:55:16.000
<v Speaker 3>Felt no guilt, zero guilt.

0:55:16.120 --> 0:55:18.760
<v Speaker 2>The moment she filed for divorce, they were besides themselves.

0:55:18.800 --> 0:55:20.400
<v Speaker 2>So for the year that they were cheating, they were

0:55:20.440 --> 0:55:22.160
<v Speaker 2>having the time of their life. The day she filed

0:55:22.200 --> 0:55:26.239
<v Speaker 2>for divorce, besides themselves, crying hysterically because at some point

0:55:26.320 --> 0:55:28.440
<v Speaker 2>on conscious level, they thought she would never actually do that.

0:55:28.640 --> 0:55:31.040
<v Speaker 2>The day she did that is when the realization all

0:55:31.160 --> 0:55:33.319
<v Speaker 2>sunk in. So when the person knows that you're not

0:55:33.320 --> 0:55:35.640
<v Speaker 2>too afraid to take that room, they're more likely to

0:55:35.680 --> 0:55:36.280
<v Speaker 2>be respectful.

0:55:36.520 --> 0:55:39.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And it's not threatening people with it, it's actually

0:55:39.120 --> 0:55:42.080
<v Speaker 1>doing it for real, just once. Because I find like

0:55:42.239 --> 0:55:44.680
<v Speaker 1>me and Raddy made it real early in our relationship

0:55:44.719 --> 0:55:47.359
<v Speaker 1>that we would never throw around the word divorce, we'd

0:55:47.360 --> 0:55:50.759
<v Speaker 1>never throw around the word break up, We'd never throw

0:55:50.800 --> 0:55:52.560
<v Speaker 1>around any of these words that if you were to

0:55:52.600 --> 0:55:54.600
<v Speaker 1>say it, you'd have to actually back it up. Then

0:55:54.640 --> 0:55:57.120
<v Speaker 1>you'd actually have to be there. Because I didn't want

0:55:57.160 --> 0:55:59.560
<v Speaker 1>to be in a relationship where these things were used

0:55:59.560 --> 0:56:03.400
<v Speaker 1>as level yeah, or used as kind of ammunition to

0:56:03.440 --> 0:56:04.800
<v Speaker 1>get a reaction out of someone.

0:56:04.960 --> 0:56:07.680
<v Speaker 2>It's only used when you actually, God forbid need it.

0:56:07.719 --> 0:56:10.000
<v Speaker 2>But I always to say that one of my vows

0:56:10.000 --> 0:56:12.040
<v Speaker 2>that I recommend to my clients. I know it sounds negative,

0:56:12.480 --> 0:56:13.880
<v Speaker 2>is we can sit there and say I'm going to

0:56:13.920 --> 0:56:16.120
<v Speaker 2>love you forever, I'm going to be loyal forever. Probably

0:56:16.160 --> 0:56:18.160
<v Speaker 2>the more realistic vow to say to each other, not

0:56:18.200 --> 0:56:20.600
<v Speaker 2>even just marriages. As a couple is if and when

0:56:20.600 --> 0:56:23.000
<v Speaker 2>my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with

0:56:23.040 --> 0:56:25.520
<v Speaker 2>you and that way we can work on the relationship.

0:56:25.840 --> 0:56:28.359
<v Speaker 2>Where people go wrong is as in when their feelings change,

0:56:28.400 --> 0:56:31.360
<v Speaker 2>they don't they avoid communication and they outsource their happiness

0:56:31.360 --> 0:56:34.399
<v Speaker 2>from somewhere else, or they not, they numb their pain

0:56:34.640 --> 0:56:37.120
<v Speaker 2>through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is

0:56:37.200 --> 0:56:39.520
<v Speaker 2>if and when my feelings ever change, instead of hurting

0:56:39.520 --> 0:56:41.200
<v Speaker 2>you and disrespect to you, I will come straight to

0:56:41.239 --> 0:56:42.239
<v Speaker 2>you and we can try and fix it.

0:56:42.239 --> 0:56:43.239
<v Speaker 3>And if we can't fix it.

0:56:43.320 --> 0:56:46.560
<v Speaker 2>We will separate on respectful terms. But doing things that

0:56:46.640 --> 0:56:48.680
<v Speaker 2>cause permanent damage is just not acceptable.

0:56:49.080 --> 0:56:53.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's it's such a fine line because, yeah, we

0:56:53.160 --> 0:56:56.080
<v Speaker 1>sometimes like to in an argument in the heat of it,

0:56:56.120 --> 0:57:00.279
<v Speaker 1>you'll pretend to say and that that person still knows

0:57:00.320 --> 0:57:02.440
<v Speaker 1>that you don't mean it, just making it up to

0:57:02.520 --> 0:57:04.960
<v Speaker 1>get a reaction, and it doesn't have any values.

0:57:05.040 --> 0:57:07.359
<v Speaker 2>It's more of a cry for help and we've all

0:57:07.400 --> 0:57:10.920
<v Speaker 2>done it, all done it. But it's a seriousness of

0:57:11.000 --> 0:57:13.719
<v Speaker 2>like if you go to I'm not saying have that

0:57:14.080 --> 0:57:17.360
<v Speaker 2>divorce word ever, but have deal breakers. What I mean

0:57:17.400 --> 0:57:19.480
<v Speaker 2>by deal breakers is one or two things that if

0:57:19.520 --> 0:57:23.160
<v Speaker 2>this happened in my relationship. There's just no negotiation. It

0:57:23.240 --> 0:57:25.920
<v Speaker 2>might be hitting, it might be cheating. Is there's a

0:57:25.960 --> 0:57:28.400
<v Speaker 2>deal breaker? If you eat sense that our partner has

0:57:28.520 --> 0:57:32.120
<v Speaker 2>no deal breakers, They're more likely to attract narcissistic partners.

0:57:32.200 --> 0:57:34.640
<v Speaker 2>They're more likely to attract abusers, they're more likely to

0:57:34.640 --> 0:57:38.040
<v Speaker 2>attract takers. But if you come with a clear deal breakers,

0:57:38.200 --> 0:57:41.000
<v Speaker 2>people can sense that confidence, and usually you don't attract

0:57:41.000 --> 0:57:42.640
<v Speaker 2>people who are going to do your deal breakers.

0:57:42.640 --> 0:57:45.560
<v Speaker 1>Anyway, if a man cheats on a woman, can they recover?

0:57:46.240 --> 0:57:48.160
<v Speaker 2>I think it depends on the reason. I still think

0:57:48.200 --> 0:57:50.760
<v Speaker 2>it's difficult. The reason I say it's difficult is that

0:57:51.240 --> 0:57:54.960
<v Speaker 2>it becomes a point of contention pretty much permanently. I

0:57:54.960 --> 0:57:58.040
<v Speaker 2>would say you can only forgive a person if the

0:57:58.040 --> 0:58:04.080
<v Speaker 2>cause of the cheating is somewhat understandable. So I famously said, like, look,

0:58:04.120 --> 0:58:05.720
<v Speaker 2>if a woman cheats on a man, you can never

0:58:05.720 --> 0:58:07.680
<v Speaker 2>forgive us. She's going to cheat on you forever, and

0:58:07.920 --> 0:58:09.400
<v Speaker 2>she's just using you for free accommodation.

0:58:09.480 --> 0:58:11.600
<v Speaker 3>And I used to and I do stand by that.

0:58:11.680 --> 0:58:13.320
<v Speaker 2>Usually when a woman cheats on a man, there's usually

0:58:13.360 --> 0:58:15.760
<v Speaker 2>very little recovery. But then i'd have clients and the

0:58:15.800 --> 0:58:17.720
<v Speaker 2>woman would say to me, he deprived me of sex

0:58:17.720 --> 0:58:20.320
<v Speaker 2>for six years, four years, he wasn't sleeping with you.

0:58:20.400 --> 0:58:23.560
<v Speaker 2>I didn't know what to do as one I had.

0:58:23.640 --> 0:58:25.480
<v Speaker 2>I was so lost. I didn't know and my culture

0:58:25.480 --> 0:58:27.000
<v Speaker 2>we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to do

0:58:27.360 --> 0:58:30.560
<v Speaker 2>in those circumstances. It's like, did they really cheat or

0:58:30.600 --> 0:58:31.320
<v Speaker 2>did you push.

0:58:31.080 --> 0:58:31.720
<v Speaker 3>Them to that point?

0:58:31.880 --> 0:58:34.880
<v Speaker 2>Are they actually an inherent cheat or did the circumstance

0:58:34.880 --> 0:58:36.720
<v Speaker 2>of that relationship bring out the worst in them? I

0:58:36.720 --> 0:58:38.400
<v Speaker 2>think if they're an inherent cheat and they do it

0:58:38.400 --> 0:58:39.960
<v Speaker 2>from day one, they did it even while you were

0:58:39.960 --> 0:58:42.160
<v Speaker 2>good to them, even while you're consistent in caring all

0:58:42.160 --> 0:58:44.520
<v Speaker 2>of these things, I don't think there's any point recovering

0:58:44.520 --> 0:58:46.880
<v Speaker 2>that relationship. But if it was something that happened in

0:58:46.880 --> 0:58:49.640
<v Speaker 2>the relationship that brought out the worst in them, and

0:58:49.680 --> 0:58:52.120
<v Speaker 2>you can repair what happened in that relationship, then perhaps

0:58:52.160 --> 0:58:54.520
<v Speaker 2>you can give it a chance, particularly you've deprived each

0:58:54.520 --> 0:58:57.200
<v Speaker 2>other of intimacy, because that's usually the main cause. If

0:58:57.240 --> 0:58:59.640
<v Speaker 2>you've deprived each other of intimacy, it's almost a bit

0:58:59.720 --> 0:59:02.080
<v Speaker 2>unf to expect a partner to be lawer for five, six,

0:59:02.160 --> 0:59:04.400
<v Speaker 2>seven years. If you've never given them any intimacy and

0:59:04.400 --> 0:59:06.640
<v Speaker 2>they're still a human. They got needs, So I can

0:59:06.720 --> 0:59:09.120
<v Speaker 2>understand in those circumstances that they might do things that

0:59:09.120 --> 0:59:09.920
<v Speaker 2>are out of character.

0:59:10.160 --> 0:59:12.440
<v Speaker 1>It's always hard because when people look at it from

0:59:12.480 --> 0:59:14.520
<v Speaker 1>their own perspective, they're always like, but I was loving

0:59:14.560 --> 0:59:17.440
<v Speaker 1>to you the whole time, right, that's generally our reaction.

0:59:17.640 --> 0:59:19.720
<v Speaker 1>It's almost like, but I was good to you, yeah,

0:59:19.800 --> 0:59:21.560
<v Speaker 1>and the other person's like, well I didn't see it

0:59:21.600 --> 0:59:22.000
<v Speaker 1>that way.

0:59:22.160 --> 0:59:23.800
<v Speaker 2>Well, you might have been good to me, but the

0:59:23.840 --> 0:59:25.920
<v Speaker 2>needs weren't met. Yeah, so you might be. And I

0:59:25.920 --> 0:59:28.320
<v Speaker 2>know couples I've never fought, no fights, no nothing, but

0:59:28.360 --> 0:59:30.160
<v Speaker 2>they just didn't have any intimacy for years. Or they

0:59:30.200 --> 0:59:31.760
<v Speaker 2>might have been a couple that actually don't fight, no

0:59:31.840 --> 0:59:33.800
<v Speaker 2>issues in that time, but there might be some emotional

0:59:33.840 --> 0:59:35.919
<v Speaker 2>needs that they just weren't kissing or harging or saying

0:59:36.000 --> 0:59:38.080
<v Speaker 2>nice things to each other. So it's the needs rather

0:59:38.120 --> 0:59:40.840
<v Speaker 2>than just a surface of the relationship that matters more.

0:59:41.240 --> 0:59:44.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, what have you seen when you're as you said,

0:59:44.640 --> 0:59:46.760
<v Speaker 1>we started with this idea that men who've been cheated

0:59:46.800 --> 0:59:50.480
<v Speaker 1>on by women, what have you seen the success rates

0:59:50.560 --> 0:59:55.000
<v Speaker 1>of healing growth for that individual? Even if they don't

0:59:55.080 --> 0:59:56.240
<v Speaker 1>stay with the same person.

0:59:56.520 --> 0:59:58.600
<v Speaker 2>I find that men that get cheated on once tend

0:59:58.640 --> 1:00:01.120
<v Speaker 2>to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know

1:00:01.200 --> 1:00:04.320
<v Speaker 2>that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated

1:00:04.360 --> 1:00:06.240
<v Speaker 2>on in one relationship. They tend to get it a lot.

1:00:06.760 --> 1:00:10.280
<v Speaker 2>And the reason why is because firstly, there's something broken

1:00:10.320 --> 1:00:13.680
<v Speaker 2>in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot

1:00:13.680 --> 1:00:15.880
<v Speaker 2>of repair and have a lot of trauma and have

1:00:15.920 --> 1:00:18.240
<v Speaker 2>a lot of issues. So they're selecting women who aren't

1:00:18.240 --> 1:00:21.120
<v Speaker 2>truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that

1:00:21.120 --> 1:00:23.720
<v Speaker 2>partner and they're trying to be useful to get that

1:00:23.760 --> 1:00:26.640
<v Speaker 2>woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet

1:00:26.680 --> 1:00:29.200
<v Speaker 2>a woman that has a few red flags, they are

1:00:29.760 --> 1:00:32.560
<v Speaker 2>so so passive with those red flags. They don't have

1:00:32.640 --> 1:00:34.960
<v Speaker 2>the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to

1:00:35.000 --> 1:00:37.600
<v Speaker 2>set us say no. They feel like they're being toxic

1:00:37.640 --> 1:00:39.880
<v Speaker 2>if they have any kind of needs or wants, so

1:00:39.960 --> 1:00:42.760
<v Speaker 2>they just become too placid. And in those cases, what

1:00:42.800 --> 1:00:44.640
<v Speaker 2>ends up happening is they attract women with a lot

1:00:44.680 --> 1:00:47.840
<v Speaker 2>of red flags because they don't have the strength to

1:00:47.880 --> 1:00:50.160
<v Speaker 2>stand up for women that do. So what ends up

1:00:50.160 --> 1:00:52.840
<v Speaker 2>happening is they tend to be in a cycle of

1:00:52.880 --> 1:00:56.000
<v Speaker 2>attracting that unfortunately, so they're usually selecting women with a

1:00:56.000 --> 1:00:57.440
<v Speaker 2>lot of trauma and a lot of issues and a

1:00:57.440 --> 1:01:00.240
<v Speaker 2>lot of unhealed like behavior. And then when they see

1:01:00.240 --> 1:01:02.680
<v Speaker 2>that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary,

1:01:02.960 --> 1:01:05.480
<v Speaker 2>and they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that

1:01:05.560 --> 1:01:08.960
<v Speaker 2>is underspoken about is men forgive for female cheating far

1:01:09.000 --> 1:01:11.720
<v Speaker 2>more than we realize. I would say majority of men

1:01:11.800 --> 1:01:14.000
<v Speaker 2>forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The

1:01:14.080 --> 1:01:17.240
<v Speaker 2>problem is the more you forgive it. There's something about

1:01:17.280 --> 1:01:19.120
<v Speaker 2>women that to lose a bit of respect when a

1:01:19.120 --> 1:01:20.280
<v Speaker 2>man is super forgiving.

1:01:20.520 --> 1:01:21.640
<v Speaker 3>I know that sounds terrible.

1:01:21.720 --> 1:01:24.040
<v Speaker 2>It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want

1:01:24.080 --> 1:01:26.680
<v Speaker 2>somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that

1:01:26.720 --> 1:01:29.880
<v Speaker 2>he has zero, she might at first be really grateful. Yeah,

1:01:30.120 --> 1:01:31.880
<v Speaker 2>at first, she might thank you for forgiving me whatever

1:01:31.880 --> 1:01:34.960
<v Speaker 2>it is. But later on, what he hasn't understood is

1:01:34.960 --> 1:01:37.439
<v Speaker 2>for her to actually cheat. And something's missing. Those three

1:01:37.480 --> 1:01:41.240
<v Speaker 2>a's they haven't been addressed. Yeah, either the attraction, admiration

1:01:41.400 --> 1:01:43.920
<v Speaker 2>or the adoration. Something's been missing. And usually when you

1:01:43.960 --> 1:01:47.680
<v Speaker 2>forgive too many misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts

1:01:47.720 --> 1:01:51.080
<v Speaker 2>to go down, and therefore there's an inevitable end. I

1:01:51.080 --> 1:01:54.200
<v Speaker 2>could be wrong, but and my experience, I've always seen

1:01:54.200 --> 1:01:56.000
<v Speaker 2>that men that forgive cheating they end up getting cheated

1:01:56.040 --> 1:01:58.280
<v Speaker 2>and again by the woman that they forgive, and in

1:01:58.320 --> 1:02:00.560
<v Speaker 2>the future they tend to find it again and again.

1:02:00.720 --> 1:02:01.920
<v Speaker 1>And women, how is it?

1:02:01.920 --> 1:02:02.880
<v Speaker 3>It's slightly different.

1:02:02.920 --> 1:02:05.880
<v Speaker 2>It's like the chances of him cheating again do go up,

1:02:06.160 --> 1:02:09.560
<v Speaker 2>but usually I do find if the intimacy is consistent,

1:02:10.040 --> 1:02:12.960
<v Speaker 2>they tend to be relatively faithful. Is the intimacy drops,

1:02:13.080 --> 1:02:17.560
<v Speaker 2>the chances of infidelity to increases. And when women realize that, okay, yeah,

1:02:17.560 --> 1:02:19.880
<v Speaker 2>maybe we didn't have so much intimacy, she's not as angry.

1:02:20.120 --> 1:02:22.040
<v Speaker 2>It's only when she realized she did do her job

1:02:22.160 --> 1:02:24.520
<v Speaker 2>and he still did it, then she gets furious and

1:02:24.560 --> 1:02:27.040
<v Speaker 2>then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So it

1:02:27.160 --> 1:02:30.160
<v Speaker 2>depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect when

1:02:30.960 --> 1:02:31.400
<v Speaker 2>men cheat.

1:02:31.560 --> 1:02:33.800
<v Speaker 1>I want to shift to talking about the female client. Yeah,

1:02:33.960 --> 1:02:35.640
<v Speaker 1>the one who says I want a man to commit

1:02:35.720 --> 1:02:38.560
<v Speaker 1>but he's not. Yeah. I think that's super common. Yeah,

1:02:38.640 --> 1:02:41.560
<v Speaker 1>I think people are feeling like, hey, we're thirty, we're

1:02:41.560 --> 1:02:44.560
<v Speaker 1>mid thirties, we're forty. Why does he not want to commit?

1:02:44.920 --> 1:02:46.840
<v Speaker 2>Well, first of we unfortunately there's a lot of men

1:02:46.840 --> 1:02:49.280
<v Speaker 2>that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays. Yeah, so

1:02:49.520 --> 1:02:52.000
<v Speaker 2>what happens is they see a divorce in their family,

1:02:52.400 --> 1:02:54.520
<v Speaker 2>and whenever you're raised with a divorceity, he either really

1:02:54.560 --> 1:02:56.400
<v Speaker 2>really cherished commitment and just never want to get a

1:02:56.400 --> 1:02:58.480
<v Speaker 2>divorce and want to stay with one person forever. But

1:02:58.560 --> 1:03:01.160
<v Speaker 2>the more common response, particularly for men, is to avoid

1:03:01.240 --> 1:03:04.240
<v Speaker 2>intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just

1:03:04.240 --> 1:03:06.520
<v Speaker 2>don't want to get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with

1:03:06.560 --> 1:03:08.960
<v Speaker 2>the men, a market of men that have witnessed divars

1:03:09.000 --> 1:03:11.480
<v Speaker 2>and a little bit anxious of getting committing. If you

1:03:11.560 --> 1:03:14.120
<v Speaker 2>are a man that has commitment issues, if you're trying

1:03:14.120 --> 1:03:15.640
<v Speaker 2>to work out, because a lot of men think that, oh,

1:03:15.640 --> 1:03:17.680
<v Speaker 2>it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment, it's just

1:03:17.880 --> 1:03:20.080
<v Speaker 2>she's like this and she's too needy, or she's They

1:03:20.120 --> 1:03:22.720
<v Speaker 2>try and blame the woman. If it was truly something

1:03:22.760 --> 1:03:24.560
<v Speaker 2>wrong with the woman, then why are you with her?

1:03:24.680 --> 1:03:24.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah?

1:03:24.880 --> 1:03:26.280
<v Speaker 3>I always ask him why you're with her? Why don't

1:03:26.320 --> 1:03:26.880
<v Speaker 3>you just leave her?

1:03:26.920 --> 1:03:29.440
<v Speaker 2>And let her find somebody who's going to commit, so

1:03:29.480 --> 1:03:31.160
<v Speaker 2>then they realize, actually there's nothing wrong with her.

1:03:31.200 --> 1:03:32.360
<v Speaker 3>There must be something in them.

1:03:32.600 --> 1:03:34.640
<v Speaker 2>If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to

1:03:34.680 --> 1:03:36.960
<v Speaker 2>do is make a as a man, try and be

1:03:36.960 --> 1:03:37.600
<v Speaker 2>a bit logical.

1:03:37.640 --> 1:03:39.600
<v Speaker 3>Make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that

1:03:39.600 --> 1:03:41.800
<v Speaker 3>can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad

1:03:41.840 --> 1:03:42.240
<v Speaker 3>can it be?

1:03:42.480 --> 1:03:44.680
<v Speaker 2>If it's like, oh, she's really toxic, she's really abusive,

1:03:44.760 --> 1:03:46.560
<v Speaker 2>she's going to cheat on me, Fine, no problem, then

1:03:46.600 --> 1:03:48.800
<v Speaker 2>maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks

1:03:48.800 --> 1:03:51.880
<v Speaker 2>are quite low and the behaviors are quite good, then

1:03:52.000 --> 1:03:54.440
<v Speaker 2>you don't lose anything from committing. Nothing is going to

1:03:54.480 --> 1:03:57.800
<v Speaker 2>actually happen. Whatever your fear is is irrational. So try

1:03:57.920 --> 1:03:59.760
<v Speaker 2>to work out the risks of that relationship. If there's

1:03:59.760 --> 1:04:01.800
<v Speaker 2>not too many risks, try and just commit. Because only

1:04:01.880 --> 1:04:04.960
<v Speaker 2>through commitment you'll realize if you're compatible. Without commitment, you

1:04:04.960 --> 1:04:07.040
<v Speaker 2>can't actually get to compatibility. And the reason being is

1:04:07.080 --> 1:04:10.040
<v Speaker 2>because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're

1:04:10.080 --> 1:04:11.919
<v Speaker 2>kind of talking to this person here, we're going there,

1:04:11.920 --> 1:04:14.440
<v Speaker 2>we're not truly committed. The moment you commit, you realize

1:04:14.440 --> 1:04:15.880
<v Speaker 2>if you're right or wrong for each other, and then

1:04:16.000 --> 1:04:17.960
<v Speaker 2>it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your

1:04:18.000 --> 1:04:20.160
<v Speaker 2>own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually

1:04:20.240 --> 1:04:22.320
<v Speaker 2>very useful for both parties to realize where it's going.

1:04:22.600 --> 1:04:25.040
<v Speaker 1>And what about for the woman who's waiting for him

1:04:25.080 --> 1:04:27.840
<v Speaker 1>to commit, She's tried to have the conversation with him.

1:04:28.200 --> 1:04:31.320
<v Speaker 1>He's not opening up, he can't really reflect on this

1:04:31.480 --> 1:04:33.800
<v Speaker 1>idea that he wants to commit. What does she do?

1:04:34.120 --> 1:04:36.000
<v Speaker 2>I would say, like in my experience of women who

1:04:36.040 --> 1:04:38.920
<v Speaker 2>have had to push their partner into aultimatums into getting commitment,

1:04:39.200 --> 1:04:40.800
<v Speaker 2>the man you end up being married to is not

1:04:40.840 --> 1:04:43.160
<v Speaker 2>a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that

1:04:43.200 --> 1:04:45.760
<v Speaker 2>are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for

1:04:45.840 --> 1:04:48.720
<v Speaker 2>making them a married man. They get angry at small

1:04:48.800 --> 1:04:50.920
<v Speaker 2>signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to

1:04:50.960 --> 1:04:52.520
<v Speaker 2>be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have

1:04:52.520 --> 1:04:53.960
<v Speaker 2>to check in with you every day and tell you

1:04:54.000 --> 1:04:56.040
<v Speaker 2>what time they're coming home and what time dinner is

1:04:56.080 --> 1:04:58.760
<v Speaker 2>going to be ready. They resent the patterns of being married.

1:04:59.000 --> 1:05:01.320
<v Speaker 2>So the more you're pushing man that doesn't want commitment

1:05:01.400 --> 1:05:04.120
<v Speaker 2>into commitment, you're only going to access a relationship that

1:05:04.120 --> 1:05:06.960
<v Speaker 2>won't really make you happy anyway, So when you're forcing

1:05:07.000 --> 1:05:09.120
<v Speaker 2>them and putting the automatives, it's better to ask yourself,

1:05:09.240 --> 1:05:11.800
<v Speaker 2>is this man who he truly is right now? Somebody

1:05:11.840 --> 1:05:14.920
<v Speaker 2>I can actually be married to? If the answer is you,

1:05:15.160 --> 1:05:17.800
<v Speaker 2>he's got potential, maybe if you committed, then try not to.

1:05:18.040 --> 1:05:20.840
<v Speaker 2>But if it's like, yes, he is, then he would

1:05:20.920 --> 1:05:23.720
<v Speaker 2>naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly is

1:05:23.720 --> 1:05:26.600
<v Speaker 2>someone worth pushing into a commitment, because usually they turn

1:05:26.680 --> 1:05:29.080
<v Speaker 2>into a very negative person when you push them into commitment.

1:05:29.120 --> 1:05:31.520
<v Speaker 1>Anyway, I'm glad you said that about ultimatums. I'm not

1:05:31.560 --> 1:05:31.960
<v Speaker 1>a fan of.

1:05:32.760 --> 1:05:33.880
<v Speaker 3>Why don't you like them?

1:05:34.400 --> 1:05:37.600
<v Speaker 1>Same reason? I think if anyone has to be forced.

1:05:38.120 --> 1:05:40.480
<v Speaker 1>For example, if a guy doesn't want to have a

1:05:40.520 --> 1:05:43.560
<v Speaker 1>wedding and you force him to have a wedding, he'll

1:05:43.600 --> 1:05:44.400
<v Speaker 1>resent it forever.

1:05:44.560 --> 1:05:45.600
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and you'll make you miserable.

1:05:45.720 --> 1:05:48.240
<v Speaker 1>That's just one day. That's one So let alone like

1:05:48.480 --> 1:05:51.840
<v Speaker 1>having a marriage and being in a marriage and all

1:05:51.880 --> 1:05:54.080
<v Speaker 1>the rest of it. I just think that you can't

1:05:54.120 --> 1:05:57.280
<v Speaker 1>for if you have to force people into love and commitment, yeah,

1:05:57.400 --> 1:05:59.200
<v Speaker 1>then it's not love and commitment. Yeah.

1:05:59.200 --> 1:06:01.080
<v Speaker 2>And are you sure you love them, because if you

1:06:01.080 --> 1:06:02.800
<v Speaker 2>have to force them to become a person they're not

1:06:02.840 --> 1:06:04.760
<v Speaker 2>in order to please you. Are you sure you love

1:06:04.800 --> 1:06:06.520
<v Speaker 2>the real them? Because every time I meet a woman

1:06:06.560 --> 1:06:08.600
<v Speaker 2>who's suffering in a marriage, I ask him did he

1:06:08.640 --> 1:06:10.280
<v Speaker 2>want to get married because the things you are? Because

1:06:10.320 --> 1:06:12.040
<v Speaker 2>usually a lot of these women are not asking for

1:06:12.080 --> 1:06:13.919
<v Speaker 2>a lot. They'll say I just asked him to spend

1:06:13.920 --> 1:06:15.479
<v Speaker 2>some time with me after work, or I just asked

1:06:15.480 --> 1:06:17.000
<v Speaker 2>that maybe we can get a kiss. When he walks

1:06:17.040 --> 1:06:18.840
<v Speaker 2>in and he makes it out like it's such a

1:06:18.840 --> 1:06:20.760
<v Speaker 2>big degre, He's like, leave you alone. He gets so aggressive

1:06:20.760 --> 1:06:22.760
<v Speaker 2>about it. And then I asked him did you push

1:06:22.800 --> 1:06:24.880
<v Speaker 2>him to get married? And she's like, yeah, well I

1:06:24.920 --> 1:06:26.920
<v Speaker 2>sold him. I'm turning thirty four this year. If you

1:06:26.920 --> 1:06:28.560
<v Speaker 2>don't marry me, I'm gone. And you know, he got

1:06:28.560 --> 1:06:31.560
<v Speaker 2>nervous and did it. But unfortunately, those ultimatums just bring

1:06:31.560 --> 1:06:33.320
<v Speaker 2>out the resentment in the man or the woman all

1:06:33.360 --> 1:06:35.200
<v Speaker 2>the other way around. It brings out their resentment and

1:06:35.200 --> 1:06:37.280
<v Speaker 2>they're mean to you. And are you sure you want

1:06:37.320 --> 1:06:38.720
<v Speaker 2>to marry somebody who's going to be mean?

1:06:39.240 --> 1:06:43.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Because the opposite of commitment is actually comfort. The

1:06:43.160 --> 1:06:45.480
<v Speaker 1>point is they're comfortable and that's what they want.

1:06:45.560 --> 1:06:46.160
<v Speaker 3>That's what they want.

1:06:46.160 --> 1:06:49.200
<v Speaker 1>And so when you're forcing commitment, you're basically saying I

1:06:49.200 --> 1:06:51.280
<v Speaker 1>want you to be uncomfortable, and they don't want it,

1:06:51.360 --> 1:06:53.120
<v Speaker 1>and they don't want it, and they do it and

1:06:53.160 --> 1:06:55.640
<v Speaker 1>then they're uncomfortable and then blame then and then you

1:06:55.680 --> 1:06:56.480
<v Speaker 1>get the blame.

1:06:56.280 --> 1:06:58.800
<v Speaker 2>And they're truly uncomfortable. Just simple things. I'll have clients,

1:06:58.840 --> 1:07:00.680
<v Speaker 2>so it's just a simple thing, just going to bed.

1:07:00.680 --> 1:07:02.360
<v Speaker 2>At the same time, he doesn't want to do it.

1:07:02.400 --> 1:07:03.760
<v Speaker 2>He want to be like, I don't want to go

1:07:03.800 --> 1:07:05.720
<v Speaker 2>at the time I want to go. So the acts

1:07:05.760 --> 1:07:08.840
<v Speaker 2>of marriage, do the behaviors of marriage feel uncomfortable to

1:07:08.880 --> 1:07:11.280
<v Speaker 2>that man? If they do, then you're going to create

1:07:11.280 --> 1:07:14.040
<v Speaker 2>a husband that you actually don't aren't happy with, and

1:07:14.080 --> 1:07:14.840
<v Speaker 2>you're going to suffer.

1:07:15.320 --> 1:07:18.360
<v Speaker 1>Let's take a short break to hear from our sponsors.

1:07:19.520 --> 1:07:22.360
<v Speaker 1>All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive

1:07:22.400 --> 1:07:25.200
<v Speaker 1>back in. Can you save a bad relationship?

1:07:25.320 --> 1:07:28.480
<v Speaker 2>Yes, you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult

1:07:28.480 --> 1:07:31.080
<v Speaker 2>if both people don't want to. The only way you

1:07:31.080 --> 1:07:33.680
<v Speaker 2>can save a bad relationship is if both people truly

1:07:33.720 --> 1:07:36.840
<v Speaker 2>want to and they've just misunderstanding each other. The relationships

1:07:36.840 --> 1:07:40.040
<v Speaker 2>that are difficult to save is when one other person

1:07:40.280 --> 1:07:42.800
<v Speaker 2>is far more attached than the other. When one person

1:07:43.040 --> 1:07:45.040
<v Speaker 2>is really wanting the relationship to work, and the other

1:07:45.080 --> 1:07:47.920
<v Speaker 2>person is simply not attracted, not invested, and not committed,

1:07:48.400 --> 1:07:50.080
<v Speaker 2>then what ends up happening is the only way it

1:07:50.080 --> 1:07:53.280
<v Speaker 2>can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands

1:07:53.360 --> 1:07:56.160
<v Speaker 2>less and less and less, And that's usually the dynamic.

1:07:56.200 --> 1:07:58.120
<v Speaker 2>When one person wants it more than the other, you

1:07:58.200 --> 1:08:00.360
<v Speaker 2>get a beggar in the relationship. And just like beggars

1:08:00.400 --> 1:08:02.240
<v Speaker 2>on the street, when they ask for a bit, you'll

1:08:02.240 --> 1:08:03.480
<v Speaker 2>give them a bit, but when they ask for a lot,

1:08:03.520 --> 1:08:05.400
<v Speaker 2>you're like, go away, you're a beggar, Like I'll give

1:08:05.400 --> 1:08:07.760
<v Speaker 2>you bare minimum. That's how couples start to treat the

1:08:07.760 --> 1:08:09.720
<v Speaker 2>person who begs to be with them. So when you

1:08:10.040 --> 1:08:12.280
<v Speaker 2>enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix. But when

1:08:12.280 --> 1:08:14.240
<v Speaker 2>you enter a dynare we don't know why we keep

1:08:14.360 --> 1:08:16.120
<v Speaker 2>butting heads. We love each other, I don't know why

1:08:16.120 --> 1:08:18.439
<v Speaker 2>it's not working. Then it's probably just something wrong in

1:08:18.520 --> 1:08:20.640
<v Speaker 2>understanding each other's core needs, and it's very easy to

1:08:20.640 --> 1:08:21.439
<v Speaker 2>fix those people.

1:08:21.680 --> 1:08:24.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think it's natural for relationships to go through

1:08:24.240 --> 1:08:28.120
<v Speaker 1>ups and downs. It's pretty remarkable if a relationship is

1:08:28.200 --> 1:08:32.240
<v Speaker 1>always hard because work comes out. I think having children

1:08:32.320 --> 1:08:35.080
<v Speaker 1>is a huge one for people to stay connected during

1:08:35.120 --> 1:08:38.320
<v Speaker 1>that time. Travel, There's a million things that are going

1:08:38.400 --> 1:08:41.360
<v Speaker 1>to happen, and all of it comes down to am

1:08:41.400 --> 1:08:43.960
<v Speaker 1>I communicating with that person and are they communicating with me?

1:08:44.600 --> 1:08:47.880
<v Speaker 1>And I think we just haven't been trained to say, hey,

1:08:47.920 --> 1:08:50.439
<v Speaker 1>when you're going through a change, Yeah, tell your partner

1:08:50.920 --> 1:08:53.840
<v Speaker 1>and practice it when the changes are small, like, hey,

1:08:53.880 --> 1:08:56.280
<v Speaker 1>for the next three days, I've got a busy work period.

1:08:56.640 --> 1:08:58.880
<v Speaker 1>Hey for the next week, I've got a big presentation

1:08:58.920 --> 1:09:01.639
<v Speaker 1>of work I'm preparing for, or like talk about those

1:09:01.680 --> 1:09:03.800
<v Speaker 1>tiny things. Yeah, so that when you have big things

1:09:03.840 --> 1:09:07.280
<v Speaker 1>like having kids or travel or parent issues, you're not

1:09:07.320 --> 1:09:07.839
<v Speaker 1>as scared.

1:09:07.880 --> 1:09:08.760
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's not so bad.

1:09:08.800 --> 1:09:11.200
<v Speaker 2>But then I do find what relationships happen In relationships,

1:09:11.320 --> 1:09:14.160
<v Speaker 2>there's relationships that have pains, which are ups and downs.

1:09:14.200 --> 1:09:16.960
<v Speaker 2>Maybe the miscarriage, maybe things go wrong busy with work.

1:09:17.120 --> 1:09:19.080
<v Speaker 2>And there's relationships that are suffering, which is simply a

1:09:19.360 --> 1:09:22.519
<v Speaker 2>consequences of poor decisions when you've chosen the wrong person.

1:09:22.880 --> 1:09:25.280
<v Speaker 2>Pains will happen in every marriage. Every marriage will have

1:09:25.360 --> 1:09:27.680
<v Speaker 2>ups and downs, financial issues. Babies will come pay, but

1:09:27.680 --> 1:09:30.720
<v Speaker 2>babies will go God forbid, parents get sick. Those are

1:09:30.720 --> 1:09:32.760
<v Speaker 2>pains in marriages. These are to be expected and it

1:09:32.800 --> 1:09:36.599
<v Speaker 2>can cause rough periods. Suffering is when even without those

1:09:36.840 --> 1:09:40.040
<v Speaker 2>there are emotional consequences of just choosing the wrong partner

1:09:40.120 --> 1:09:43.599
<v Speaker 2>and daily, daily things, small things become big fights. You

1:09:43.640 --> 1:09:45.240
<v Speaker 2>just want to hold hands, They get angry at that,

1:09:45.280 --> 1:09:46.200
<v Speaker 2>You just want to spend more time.

1:09:46.240 --> 1:09:48.120
<v Speaker 3>They get angry at that. Your life starts to feel

1:09:48.120 --> 1:09:48.599
<v Speaker 3>like suffering.

1:09:48.640 --> 1:09:50.559
<v Speaker 2>And when it's more suffering than it is pain, then

1:09:50.600 --> 1:09:52.320
<v Speaker 2>it's a bit harder to fix those marriages.

1:09:52.479 --> 1:09:54.880
<v Speaker 1>I do think picking is such a big part of it. Yeah,

1:09:55.080 --> 1:09:58.280
<v Speaker 1>it's so hard when going back to your three a's

1:09:58.320 --> 1:10:01.400
<v Speaker 1>and your three l's. Yeah, if someone's been with someone

1:10:01.439 --> 1:10:06.880
<v Speaker 1>for ten years now and the attractions faded naturally to

1:10:06.960 --> 1:10:15.439
<v Speaker 1>some degree, they kind of admire them, and they kind

1:10:15.479 --> 1:10:19.200
<v Speaker 1>of get adoration to some degree, and you already have

1:10:19.280 --> 1:10:21.720
<v Speaker 1>kids together, you're not going to necessarily get divorced.

1:10:21.840 --> 1:10:23.720
<v Speaker 2>No, but then that's fine. That's actually not so end

1:10:23.720 --> 1:10:26.120
<v Speaker 2>of the world, as long as it's not so toxic.

1:10:26.479 --> 1:10:28.479
<v Speaker 2>If you've got to a stage where it's kind of okay,

1:10:28.560 --> 1:10:30.599
<v Speaker 2>it's not so bad. I think in this day and age,

1:10:30.640 --> 1:10:31.040
<v Speaker 2>that's a win.

1:10:31.360 --> 1:10:31.559
<v Speaker 1>You know.

1:10:31.600 --> 1:10:33.439
<v Speaker 2>I know it sounds terrible and it sounds like, oh,

1:10:33.479 --> 1:10:35.720
<v Speaker 2>you're just floating by, But I think as long as

1:10:35.720 --> 1:10:39.479
<v Speaker 2>you're avoiding suffering and you're not a toxic in if

1:10:39.520 --> 1:10:42.560
<v Speaker 2>you're after ten years, you're kind of attracted, kind of admires,

1:10:42.680 --> 1:10:44.840
<v Speaker 2>some adoration, but it's not unstable.

1:10:45.200 --> 1:10:46.160
<v Speaker 3>I actually think that's a win.

1:10:46.200 --> 1:10:48.120
<v Speaker 2>I know that sounds terrible, but I just think that's

1:10:48.160 --> 1:10:50.559
<v Speaker 2>not a bad I wouldn't be terrified if I had that.

1:10:50.880 --> 1:10:53.000
<v Speaker 2>It's only when you never had those to begin with,

1:10:53.240 --> 1:10:56.639
<v Speaker 2>and then they just gets exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated, it usually

1:10:56.640 --> 1:10:57.519
<v Speaker 2>turns into suffering.

1:10:57.880 --> 1:11:01.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, So unless it's toxic abuse exploited.

1:11:01.479 --> 1:11:04.000
<v Speaker 2>To I think if you don't have it so bad

1:11:04.160 --> 1:11:05.920
<v Speaker 2>and you don't have any of the deal breakers, I

1:11:05.920 --> 1:11:08.120
<v Speaker 2>think what happens is people focus so much on like

1:11:08.200 --> 1:11:10.360
<v Speaker 2>having the highs in a relationship. I just think, as

1:11:10.400 --> 1:11:12.840
<v Speaker 2>long as you don't have deep lows, even if it's

1:11:12.840 --> 1:11:14.800
<v Speaker 2>not like poems and you don't have these holidays and

1:11:14.840 --> 1:11:17.120
<v Speaker 2>you don't have these great experiences, but you don't have

1:11:17.160 --> 1:11:19.800
<v Speaker 2>any of those toxic lows. Having that sense of peace

1:11:19.880 --> 1:11:22.160
<v Speaker 2>is actually okay, I actually think that's a win. I

1:11:22.200 --> 1:11:24.519
<v Speaker 2>think it's toxic to assume that you should always be

1:11:24.520 --> 1:11:26.840
<v Speaker 2>having those highs. I think actually just seek that piece,

1:11:26.880 --> 1:11:28.519
<v Speaker 2>and it's as long as they don't have deal breakers,

1:11:28.560 --> 1:11:31.240
<v Speaker 2>the relationship will be Maybe it won't be the most exciting,

1:11:31.479 --> 1:11:33.519
<v Speaker 2>but as long as it's not got those deal breakers,

1:11:33.560 --> 1:11:35.519
<v Speaker 2>you'll actually have relatively peaceful marriage.

1:11:35.600 --> 1:11:38.479
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's interesting you just said both are toxic. Always

1:11:38.520 --> 1:11:41.200
<v Speaker 1>wanting to be on the highest toxic and naturally someone

1:11:41.200 --> 1:11:43.479
<v Speaker 1>who treats you low as toxic. Yeah, and so both

1:11:43.520 --> 1:11:45.439
<v Speaker 1>of them can be toxic. So of them as opposed

1:11:45.439 --> 1:11:47.800
<v Speaker 1>to accepting that piece is piece is a great place

1:11:47.840 --> 1:11:48.080
<v Speaker 1>to be.

1:11:48.240 --> 1:11:49.120
<v Speaker 3>It's the goal.

1:11:49.360 --> 1:11:51.679
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, the end goal is that peaceful state where it's

1:11:51.680 --> 1:11:53.639
<v Speaker 2>not too high not too low. The highs and lows

1:11:53.640 --> 1:11:56.200
<v Speaker 2>comes because the circumstance isn't but not because our day

1:11:56.240 --> 1:11:59.960
<v Speaker 2>to day interactions are so overstimulating or understimulating.

1:12:00.040 --> 1:12:01.599
<v Speaker 3>It doesn't come from day to day. It comes from

1:12:01.640 --> 1:12:03.519
<v Speaker 3>experiences or events in our marriage.

1:12:03.760 --> 1:12:06.880
<v Speaker 1>Sadia, what's the worst thing to say to someone who's

1:12:06.920 --> 1:12:08.000
<v Speaker 1>just gone through a breakup?

1:12:08.160 --> 1:12:10.080
<v Speaker 2>The worst thing that you can say to somebody who's

1:12:10.160 --> 1:12:13.479
<v Speaker 2>just gone through a breakup. Is that, Well, you knew

1:12:13.479 --> 1:12:16.240
<v Speaker 2>he was like that anyway, so what's the problem? I know,

1:12:16.400 --> 1:12:18.839
<v Speaker 2>you know, sometimes we do know the person was already

1:12:18.880 --> 1:12:21.720
<v Speaker 2>like that, we know, but right now, dwelling on that

1:12:21.760 --> 1:12:24.519
<v Speaker 2>person is probably the least important part of the healing

1:12:24.560 --> 1:12:27.639
<v Speaker 2>process to get over our heartbreak. It's not so much

1:12:27.680 --> 1:12:30.200
<v Speaker 2>that we have to forget the person that we're heartbroken about,

1:12:30.200 --> 1:12:32.640
<v Speaker 2>but we just have to try and rediscover ourselves. And

1:12:32.680 --> 1:12:35.479
<v Speaker 2>the best way to rediscover ourselves is not by focusing

1:12:35.479 --> 1:12:37.519
<v Speaker 2>on the person, focusing on what he did wrong, how

1:12:37.600 --> 1:12:40.280
<v Speaker 2>terrible he is. It's more just finding out what your

1:12:40.320 --> 1:12:43.000
<v Speaker 2>patterns are, what your selection was, and then how you

1:12:43.040 --> 1:12:45.639
<v Speaker 2>can improve your life so much so that the feelings

1:12:45.680 --> 1:12:49.559
<v Speaker 2>for him become they disappear. But dwelling on him and

1:12:49.560 --> 1:12:51.880
<v Speaker 2>focusing on him and all his problems, I think that

1:12:51.960 --> 1:12:54.280
<v Speaker 2>will just keep you invested in relationship and make it

1:12:54.280 --> 1:12:55.719
<v Speaker 2>harder for you to heal that heartbreak.

1:12:56.000 --> 1:12:57.920
<v Speaker 1>What about when you thought you were going to spend

1:12:57.920 --> 1:13:00.880
<v Speaker 1>the rest of your life with someone and they left you,

1:13:01.720 --> 1:13:04.639
<v Speaker 1>They moved on, They didn't see it the same way,

1:13:04.680 --> 1:13:07.600
<v Speaker 1>but you were convinced after a few years that this

1:13:07.760 --> 1:13:10.280
<v Speaker 1>was going to be your person and you break up.

1:13:11.520 --> 1:13:13.200
<v Speaker 1>What actually helps, I.

1:13:13.200 --> 1:13:15.280
<v Speaker 2>Think the only thing that helps is just remembering that

1:13:15.360 --> 1:13:18.160
<v Speaker 2>everything you wanted with this person, whether that vision was

1:13:18.200 --> 1:13:20.040
<v Speaker 2>getting married, whether it was to have kids, where it

1:13:20.080 --> 1:13:22.720
<v Speaker 2>was to go on holidays, that vision is still attainable

1:13:22.760 --> 1:13:25.439
<v Speaker 2>for you. You can still access that entire vision you

1:13:25.479 --> 1:13:28.200
<v Speaker 2>had with them with somebody new, and if you feel

1:13:28.200 --> 1:13:30.479
<v Speaker 2>like you really loved that person, you probably just loved

1:13:30.520 --> 1:13:31.679
<v Speaker 2>certain traits that they had.

1:13:32.040 --> 1:13:33.919
<v Speaker 3>Those traits that he has.

1:13:33.840 --> 1:13:36.320
<v Speaker 2>Are available in other men that will actually still make

1:13:36.360 --> 1:13:39.120
<v Speaker 2>your vision come true. And hopefully the new person will

1:13:39.120 --> 1:13:41.720
<v Speaker 2>not have the traits that cause the relationship to break down.

1:13:42.040 --> 1:13:43.680
<v Speaker 2>So remember it's not about the person. This is the

1:13:43.680 --> 1:13:46.880
<v Speaker 2>way people get stuck in heartbreak. They think that their life, happiness,

1:13:46.920 --> 1:13:49.080
<v Speaker 2>and the relationship and their end goal in life is

1:13:49.080 --> 1:13:51.520
<v Speaker 2>in the hands of that particular person in that relationship.

1:13:51.840 --> 1:13:54.320
<v Speaker 2>That end goal is something that they can still attain

1:13:54.360 --> 1:13:56.960
<v Speaker 2>and achieve by themselves if they just remember that, they

1:13:56.960 --> 1:13:58.599
<v Speaker 2>can still achieve it with somebody else, or they can

1:13:58.640 --> 1:14:01.280
<v Speaker 2>achieve it by themselves, they can achieve through friends. That

1:14:01.400 --> 1:14:03.960
<v Speaker 2>goal is more important than the person, and your vision

1:14:04.000 --> 1:14:05.680
<v Speaker 2>is far more important than the relationship. So as long

1:14:05.720 --> 1:14:07.559
<v Speaker 2>as you keep your vision in mind and remember that

1:14:07.560 --> 1:14:09.519
<v Speaker 2>there's other people that can help you attain that vision.

1:14:09.840 --> 1:14:11.720
<v Speaker 2>You will let go of that ego that's attached to

1:14:11.760 --> 1:14:14.360
<v Speaker 2>that particular person that that just broke your heart. And

1:14:14.439 --> 1:14:16.439
<v Speaker 2>I know this sounds hard to do, but when you

1:14:16.479 --> 1:14:18.559
<v Speaker 2>find out that somebody's hurt you and they've moved on

1:14:18.640 --> 1:14:21.120
<v Speaker 2>and they've got a relationship, we can't be hurt and

1:14:21.200 --> 1:14:23.320
<v Speaker 2>happy for somebody at the same time. If you want

1:14:23.320 --> 1:14:25.360
<v Speaker 2>to remove your hurt for people, you almost have to

1:14:25.400 --> 1:14:26.920
<v Speaker 2>try and be happy for them, even if they don't

1:14:26.960 --> 1:14:29.280
<v Speaker 2>deserve it. You don't do it for them, You do

1:14:29.320 --> 1:14:31.360
<v Speaker 2>it for your own sake. So you can suppress that

1:14:31.360 --> 1:14:34.160
<v Speaker 2>feeling of her and just be like, he treated me terribly,

1:14:34.200 --> 1:14:35.880
<v Speaker 2>But I would never want somebody else to go through that.

1:14:36.160 --> 1:14:37.920
<v Speaker 2>So I hope he has a happy relationship. I hope

1:14:37.920 --> 1:14:39.920
<v Speaker 2>he treats her way better than he treated me, And

1:14:39.920 --> 1:14:42.559
<v Speaker 2>then hopefully you'll attract that positive energy back into your

1:14:42.600 --> 1:14:43.160
<v Speaker 2>own life.

1:14:43.280 --> 1:14:45.960
<v Speaker 1>How do we get closure when the person doesn't give

1:14:46.000 --> 1:14:46.559
<v Speaker 1>it to us.

1:14:46.960 --> 1:14:49.000
<v Speaker 2>We can get it through their actions, not their words.

1:14:49.320 --> 1:14:51.479
<v Speaker 2>So if for example, I really love this person and

1:14:51.520 --> 1:14:53.160
<v Speaker 2>they just left me out of nowhere and they gave

1:14:53.200 --> 1:14:56.320
<v Speaker 2>me no explanation. Sometimes the closure is in their behavior.

1:14:56.400 --> 1:14:58.200
<v Speaker 2>The fact that they could let me go and leave

1:14:58.240 --> 1:15:00.720
<v Speaker 2>me hanging in that moment is all the closure I need.

1:15:00.720 --> 1:15:03.200
<v Speaker 2>That maybe they didn't see me as important as I

1:15:03.200 --> 1:15:05.680
<v Speaker 2>saw them, Maybe they found someone else, whatever it is,

1:15:05.720 --> 1:15:07.880
<v Speaker 2>Their closure comes in their behavior, not just their words.

1:15:07.880 --> 1:15:09.479
<v Speaker 2>Whatever they were going to say to you probably wasn't

1:15:09.479 --> 1:15:11.599
<v Speaker 2>true anyway. They're probably just trying to make you feel

1:15:11.600 --> 1:15:13.439
<v Speaker 2>better or trying to hide what the real reasons is.

1:15:13.720 --> 1:15:15.760
<v Speaker 2>Their words are not so important, their actions are. And

1:15:15.760 --> 1:15:18.000
<v Speaker 2>we can always find closure in people's actions.

1:15:18.280 --> 1:15:22.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and often their actions are so painful. Yes, take

1:15:22.280 --> 1:15:25.479
<v Speaker 1>up a gear of a text. They don't want to talk.

1:15:25.320 --> 1:15:27.639
<v Speaker 2>To you, And as hard as it is, it's usually

1:15:27.640 --> 1:15:30.720
<v Speaker 2>our ego that seeks another conversation with them. If you

1:15:30.760 --> 1:15:32.599
<v Speaker 2>really look at their behavior, your soul will know they're

1:15:32.640 --> 1:15:35.200
<v Speaker 2>bad forew So try and pay attention to your soul

1:15:35.280 --> 1:15:37.200
<v Speaker 2>knows if someone's good or bad for you. Our ego

1:15:37.240 --> 1:15:39.080
<v Speaker 2>will just want the last word. They just want them

1:15:39.080 --> 1:15:41.160
<v Speaker 2>to come calling back to us, so we can say, oh,

1:15:41.240 --> 1:15:43.320
<v Speaker 2>we can reject them, or we can have our last word.

1:15:43.520 --> 1:15:45.799
<v Speaker 2>But try and remember that that's just your ego speaking

1:15:45.840 --> 1:15:48.000
<v Speaker 2>your soul knows that this proper person probably wasn't right

1:15:48.040 --> 1:15:49.360
<v Speaker 2>for you. If they were right for you, wouldn't be

1:15:49.400 --> 1:15:51.840
<v Speaker 2>suffering today. So try and let go of that need

1:15:51.880 --> 1:15:54.519
<v Speaker 2>for validation and that need for conversation and replace it

1:15:54.520 --> 1:15:55.519
<v Speaker 2>with their behavior.

1:15:55.560 --> 1:15:56.360
<v Speaker 3>Spoke volumes.

1:15:56.680 --> 1:15:59.200
<v Speaker 1>That difference between the soul and ego is so powerful.

1:16:00.080 --> 1:16:03.320
<v Speaker 1>The hard part is most of us are living through

1:16:03.360 --> 1:16:06.479
<v Speaker 1>our ego daily and not our soul. So to suddenly

1:16:06.520 --> 1:16:10.120
<v Speaker 1>flip into salt living not ego living in a breakup,

1:16:10.120 --> 1:16:11.080
<v Speaker 1>it's extremely hard.

1:16:11.280 --> 1:16:13.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because your ego is what looks right and your

1:16:13.720 --> 1:16:15.880
<v Speaker 2>soul is what actually is right, and we always want

1:16:15.880 --> 1:16:17.240
<v Speaker 2>to look right. We want to be the one that

1:16:17.280 --> 1:16:18.800
<v Speaker 2>says I don't want to be with them, or we

1:16:18.840 --> 1:16:20.280
<v Speaker 2>want to be the one that broke up with them.

1:16:20.680 --> 1:16:23.599
<v Speaker 2>But that's just a temporary high of being the one

1:16:23.600 --> 1:16:25.160
<v Speaker 2>that had the final say or being the one that

1:16:25.200 --> 1:16:27.760
<v Speaker 2>got to say this. These are temporary highs. The long

1:16:27.840 --> 1:16:30.960
<v Speaker 2>term high comes from not needing those conversations. It's almost

1:16:30.960 --> 1:16:34.280
<v Speaker 2>like an emotional kind of neutrality towards that person, and

1:16:34.320 --> 1:16:36.599
<v Speaker 2>the quicker you can get there, the quicker you actually heal,

1:16:36.960 --> 1:16:39.360
<v Speaker 2>so the less you can pay attention to your ego,

1:16:39.520 --> 1:16:40.920
<v Speaker 2>the closer you'll get to healing.

1:16:41.080 --> 1:16:43.280
<v Speaker 1>Well, would you encourage people to think about that through

1:16:43.320 --> 1:16:44.400
<v Speaker 1>steps and stages?

1:16:44.720 --> 1:16:47.160
<v Speaker 2>I think the ego When it comes to your soul

1:16:47.200 --> 1:16:49.599
<v Speaker 2>and ego, the key difference is ego is what makes

1:16:49.640 --> 1:16:52.320
<v Speaker 2>you look good in front of people. Soul is actually

1:16:52.360 --> 1:16:54.160
<v Speaker 2>what makes you feel right. So it might make you

1:16:54.200 --> 1:16:56.679
<v Speaker 2>look better or to him, if you start posting pictures

1:16:56.680 --> 1:16:58.720
<v Speaker 2>of you with another man or showing memes, it might

1:16:58.760 --> 1:17:00.400
<v Speaker 2>make it, you know, get a stab at them, but

1:17:00.439 --> 1:17:02.240
<v Speaker 2>do you actually feel any better when you do that.

1:17:02.479 --> 1:17:04.400
<v Speaker 2>The ego might make you say, look, go move on

1:17:04.520 --> 1:17:06.479
<v Speaker 2>to another guy, Go text your ex, go be with

1:17:06.520 --> 1:17:08.840
<v Speaker 2>another person, make him jealous, but your soul will No,

1:17:08.880 --> 1:17:11.760
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't feel right. So the in and voice that

1:17:11.840 --> 1:17:14.519
<v Speaker 2>you have like does this actually feel right? And how

1:17:14.560 --> 1:17:17.080
<v Speaker 2>you can assess this? You ask yourself if I didn't

1:17:17.080 --> 1:17:19.479
<v Speaker 2>meet this person, like say with my ex, I just

1:17:19.520 --> 1:17:21.160
<v Speaker 2>broke up with my husband and I was like, Okay,

1:17:21.280 --> 1:17:23.680
<v Speaker 2>if I didn't meet this person, ever, would I be

1:17:23.720 --> 1:17:26.280
<v Speaker 2>going on this date with this random guy or would

1:17:26.320 --> 1:17:28.120
<v Speaker 2>I be actually sitting at home and watching TV with

1:17:28.120 --> 1:17:30.640
<v Speaker 2>my friends. If the answer is I would still be

1:17:30.640 --> 1:17:31.960
<v Speaker 2>going on the date with the guy. The chance that

1:17:31.960 --> 1:17:33.639
<v Speaker 2>it's not your ego, You're probably just doing it because

1:17:33.640 --> 1:17:35.000
<v Speaker 2>that's what you want to do. But if it's like

1:17:35.080 --> 1:17:37.280
<v Speaker 2>I'm only going to the club because I know he's

1:17:37.280 --> 1:17:38.519
<v Speaker 2>going to be there now I want to hurt him,

1:17:38.560 --> 1:17:40.000
<v Speaker 2>or I'm only going to go text this other guy

1:17:40.040 --> 1:17:42.120
<v Speaker 2>because i know it will hurt him. If you're allowing

1:17:42.160 --> 1:17:44.400
<v Speaker 2>that person to dictate your feelings and what you do,

1:17:44.760 --> 1:17:47.040
<v Speaker 2>then it's probably your ego speaking to yourself. Act like

1:17:47.080 --> 1:17:49.040
<v Speaker 2>that person doesn't exist, and ask yourself, what do you

1:17:49.080 --> 1:17:50.760
<v Speaker 2>want to do with yourself? And if the answer is

1:17:50.760 --> 1:17:52.439
<v Speaker 2>I just want to heal, I just want to cry,

1:17:52.479 --> 1:17:54.120
<v Speaker 2>I just want to feel good, like I want a

1:17:54.120 --> 1:17:56.320
<v Speaker 2>couple of days to myself, then do that rather than

1:17:56.360 --> 1:17:58.160
<v Speaker 2>just trying to play that game and seeing who looks

1:17:58.200 --> 1:18:00.479
<v Speaker 2>better and trying to win, because there's no winner when

1:18:00.520 --> 1:18:01.280
<v Speaker 2>you follow your ego.

1:18:01.520 --> 1:18:03.160
<v Speaker 1>I was really happy that we started with the two

1:18:03.400 --> 1:18:07.640
<v Speaker 1>core issues you go through with your clients, because I

1:18:07.640 --> 1:18:10.559
<v Speaker 1>think they're even if it's not women cheating on men,

1:18:10.800 --> 1:18:13.960
<v Speaker 1>it's mentioning on women, it's infidelity, and then this idea

1:18:14.000 --> 1:18:16.639
<v Speaker 1>of commitment, which I think are two of the biggest

1:18:16.680 --> 1:18:19.599
<v Speaker 1>things that everyone's struggling with and then at the same

1:18:19.640 --> 1:18:23.040
<v Speaker 1>time talking about relationships at the top end of attracting

1:18:23.040 --> 1:18:24.840
<v Speaker 1>the three a's the three l's, it's a.

1:18:24.760 --> 1:18:26.840
<v Speaker 2>Bit a paradox that the women that want commitment and

1:18:26.880 --> 1:18:29.200
<v Speaker 2>the men that are committed they're not finding each other.

1:18:29.560 --> 1:18:31.519
<v Speaker 2>There's the men that are getting treated badly in relationships

1:18:31.560 --> 1:18:33.080
<v Speaker 2>and the women that are getting treated badly, and they

1:18:33.080 --> 1:18:35.600
<v Speaker 2>seem to not seem to be attracting each other unfortunately,

1:18:35.600 --> 1:18:38.439
<v Speaker 2>which is a shame, because I think there's something about

1:18:38.479 --> 1:18:41.240
<v Speaker 2>being too nice as a person, both women and men.

1:18:41.280 --> 1:18:43.519
<v Speaker 2>They don't attract each other because I don't feel useful

1:18:43.520 --> 1:18:46.040
<v Speaker 2>when we're with somebody else who's equally as nice as them.

1:18:46.080 --> 1:18:48.360
<v Speaker 2>They almost feel better when they're with somebody a bit

1:18:48.400 --> 1:18:50.920
<v Speaker 2>tougher and stronger, so they can, you know, feel like

1:18:50.960 --> 1:18:53.240
<v Speaker 2>the nice person in that relationship. If they simply meet

1:18:53.280 --> 1:18:55.720
<v Speaker 2>each other, it would be a great resolution to this

1:18:55.760 --> 1:18:58.120
<v Speaker 2>problem that we're facing and modern dating at the moment.

1:18:58.320 --> 1:19:00.519
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think the big part of it is also

1:19:01.920 --> 1:19:07.120
<v Speaker 1>healing and retraining our own desires, because not everything you

1:19:07.200 --> 1:19:10.320
<v Speaker 1>want is good for you, and sadly, the things that

1:19:10.320 --> 1:19:12.680
<v Speaker 1>are good for you don't want them, I know, and

1:19:12.760 --> 1:19:16.120
<v Speaker 1>so the sad part is you're attracted to the things

1:19:16.120 --> 1:19:17.160
<v Speaker 1>that are bad for you.

1:19:17.920 --> 1:19:20.400
<v Speaker 2>Just like with food, just like with everything in life. Unfortunately,

1:19:20.400 --> 1:19:22.240
<v Speaker 2>we were attracted to things without a bad few. But

1:19:22.280 --> 1:19:25.280
<v Speaker 2>the moment you heal your self esteem, what happened is

1:19:25.320 --> 1:19:27.639
<v Speaker 2>you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad

1:19:27.640 --> 1:19:29.720
<v Speaker 2>for you, people who don't love you, people who don't

1:19:29.720 --> 1:19:31.840
<v Speaker 2>treat you right. How you know your self esteeming is

1:19:31.880 --> 1:19:34.559
<v Speaker 2>improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly,

1:19:34.840 --> 1:19:37.559
<v Speaker 2>you lose attraction to them. And the moment people treat

1:19:37.600 --> 1:19:40.680
<v Speaker 2>you well, you increase your attraction to them, And that

1:19:40.840 --> 1:19:42.800
<v Speaker 2>is a real signal. And I know sometimes you can

1:19:42.800 --> 1:19:44.519
<v Speaker 2>get love bombed and the person is just so so

1:19:44.640 --> 1:19:46.360
<v Speaker 2>nice to you, and then you're attracted to that. But

1:19:46.439 --> 1:19:49.719
<v Speaker 2>it's that steady, healthy pace of people treating you nicely

1:19:49.840 --> 1:19:51.960
<v Speaker 2>that you are attracted to, which you'll help heal your

1:19:51.960 --> 1:19:52.679
<v Speaker 2>self esteem.

1:19:52.840 --> 1:19:56.599
<v Speaker 1>Sadia, You've been amazing. We end every On Purpose episode

1:19:56.840 --> 1:19:59.240
<v Speaker 1>with a final five. These have to be answered in

1:19:59.280 --> 1:20:03.400
<v Speaker 1>one word, one sentence, so Sady, you can't. These are

1:20:03.439 --> 1:20:06.680
<v Speaker 1>your final five. Question number one, what is the best

1:20:07.080 --> 1:20:09.519
<v Speaker 1>relationship advice you've ever heard or received?

1:20:09.760 --> 1:20:11.120
<v Speaker 3>Pick piece over pleasure?

1:20:11.560 --> 1:20:13.720
<v Speaker 2>Always to somebody who will give you more peace than

1:20:13.800 --> 1:20:16.160
<v Speaker 2>pleasure if you want a long lasting relationship.

1:20:16.280 --> 1:20:19.240
<v Speaker 1>Question number two, what is the worst relationship advice you've

1:20:19.240 --> 1:20:20.160
<v Speaker 1>ever heard or received?

1:20:20.439 --> 1:20:22.720
<v Speaker 2>You are somebody's dream girl, or don't set up a

1:20:22.800 --> 1:20:25.080
<v Speaker 2>less I think anything that inflates your vision of what

1:20:25.080 --> 1:20:27.400
<v Speaker 2>a relationship looks like is going to make it difficult

1:20:27.439 --> 1:20:28.679
<v Speaker 2>for you to find the right person.

1:20:29.640 --> 1:20:33.799
<v Speaker 1>Great answer. Question number three. What's something that you think

1:20:34.560 --> 1:20:37.920
<v Speaker 1>everyone believes to be true about love but it's actually

1:20:37.960 --> 1:20:38.360
<v Speaker 1>not true?

1:20:38.400 --> 1:20:40.519
<v Speaker 2>It should be unconditional. I don't believe that it should

1:20:40.520 --> 1:20:43.400
<v Speaker 2>be true. You definitely need conditions for your love, otherwise

1:20:43.439 --> 1:20:45.960
<v Speaker 2>you will attract people who abuse your kindness.

1:20:46.320 --> 1:20:52.280
<v Speaker 1>That's a great answer. Question number four, what is something

1:20:52.360 --> 1:20:55.840
<v Speaker 1>you used to believe was true about love but recently

1:20:55.920 --> 1:20:58.000
<v Speaker 1>you've disconnected with that.

1:20:58.680 --> 1:21:01.840
<v Speaker 2>Just being with somebody who just loves you so so

1:21:02.000 --> 1:21:05.320
<v Speaker 2>much is all you need when really, without you being

1:21:05.320 --> 1:21:07.760
<v Speaker 2>attracted to that person, it will feel like neediness.

1:21:08.080 --> 1:21:11.400
<v Speaker 1>Fift and final question. If you could create one law

1:21:11.920 --> 1:21:14.320
<v Speaker 1>that everyone in the world had to follow, what would

1:21:14.320 --> 1:21:14.559
<v Speaker 1>it be?

1:21:15.280 --> 1:21:17.280
<v Speaker 2>You treat people behind their back as you do in

1:21:17.280 --> 1:21:19.360
<v Speaker 2>front of them, So how you behave behind people's back

1:21:19.439 --> 1:21:21.200
<v Speaker 2>is exactly how you are in front of their face.

1:21:21.600 --> 1:21:24.080
<v Speaker 2>And if you want to practice that in your relationships,

1:21:24.160 --> 1:21:26.479
<v Speaker 2>what happens is you don't need your partner to regulate

1:21:26.520 --> 1:21:28.120
<v Speaker 2>you in any way, shape or form. You act like

1:21:28.120 --> 1:21:30.519
<v Speaker 2>the same person with or without their monitoring. And if

1:21:30.520 --> 1:21:32.080
<v Speaker 2>you do that in life, I think you'll probably have

1:21:32.080 --> 1:21:33.280
<v Speaker 2>more authentic relationships.

1:21:33.560 --> 1:21:35.439
<v Speaker 1>So you can't thank you so much.

1:21:35.640 --> 1:21:35.960
<v Speaker 3>Thank you.

1:21:36.000 --> 1:21:39.559
<v Speaker 1>This is, without a doubt, my favorite relationship episode we've

1:21:39.600 --> 1:21:48.920
<v Speaker 1>ever done. I don't believe I honestly have never gone

1:21:49.000 --> 1:21:53.320
<v Speaker 1>that deep into the nuances of why and who and

1:21:53.439 --> 1:21:56.439
<v Speaker 1>where and just I love the way you think about it.

1:21:56.640 --> 1:21:59.800
<v Speaker 1>I really really appreciate it. And I want everyone whos

1:21:59.800 --> 1:22:02.839
<v Speaker 1>listen and watching to tag me in Sadia on Instagram,

1:22:02.840 --> 1:22:06.280
<v Speaker 1>on TikTok with the moments that resonated with you, that

1:22:06.360 --> 1:22:09.840
<v Speaker 1>connected with you, that things you're going to stop doing

1:22:09.880 --> 1:22:12.280
<v Speaker 1>from now on, things you're going to start doing, signs

1:22:12.280 --> 1:22:14.840
<v Speaker 1>you're watching out for, because I want to see what

1:22:14.880 --> 1:22:18.280
<v Speaker 1>you're putting into practice. If you don't follow Saudia across

1:22:18.400 --> 1:22:22.240
<v Speaker 1>social media already, make sure you go and subscribe. I

1:22:22.280 --> 1:22:25.760
<v Speaker 1>hope that it saves you from wasting time, money, and

1:22:25.960 --> 1:22:29.519
<v Speaker 1>energy on the wrong person. And I really really hope

1:22:29.600 --> 1:22:34.599
<v Speaker 1>that it helps you connect with true, meaningful, lasting love. Sadia,

1:22:34.600 --> 1:22:35.719
<v Speaker 1>I'm so grateful to you again.

1:22:35.880 --> 1:22:39.160
<v Speaker 2>You have no idea how much you have honored me today.

1:22:39.200 --> 1:22:41.280
<v Speaker 2>So thank you so so much for your time. I

1:22:41.280 --> 1:22:42.640
<v Speaker 2>cannot believe I get to speak to you.

1:22:43.680 --> 1:22:44.040
<v Speaker 3>Thank you.

1:22:44.439 --> 1:22:47.439
<v Speaker 1>If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with

1:22:47.680 --> 1:22:51.840
<v Speaker 1>Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to

1:22:51.920 --> 1:22:55.559
<v Speaker 1>heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

1:22:55.920 --> 1:22:59.000
<v Speaker 1>Everything in nature goes only where it's vulnerable. So treee

1:22:59.080 --> 1:23:01.360
<v Speaker 1>doesn't go over it's harden taked as that it goes

1:23:01.400 --> 1:23:03.360
<v Speaker 1>with it, soft and green and vulnerable.