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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today.

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Speaker 2: The moment you heal your self esteem, we'll have a

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Speaker 2: natural distaste towards things that are a bad for you, people

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Speaker 2: who don't love you, people who don't treat you right.

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Speaker 2: How you know your self esteem is improving is that

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Speaker 2: the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose.

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Speaker 3: Attraction to them. The psychologist, teacher and relationship experts.

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Speaker 1: What would be your advice as someone who feels like

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Speaker 1: they've got ghosted.

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Speaker 2: Chances are their hiding information ghosts. Regardless of their reason,

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Speaker 2: they're still poor communicators. So best predictor of future relationships

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Speaker 2: is their past relationships. People are their patterns. My number

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Speaker 2: one client is a man who's just been cheated on.

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Speaker 2: The women are cheating on the men. No, a lot

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Speaker 2: more than I ever expected.

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Speaker 1: What's the worst thing to say to someone who's just

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Speaker 1: gone through a breaker?

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Speaker 3: Well, you knew he was like that anyway, So what's

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Speaker 3: the problem.

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Speaker 1: What can a woman do to make sure a man

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Speaker 1: doesn't cheer on it?

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Speaker 3: I have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected.

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Speaker 3: That's all it really takes.

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Speaker 1: Wow, this is, without a doubt, my favorite relationship episode

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Speaker 1: we've ever done. The number one health and wellness podcast

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Speaker 1: Sheddy j Sheddy Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose, the

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Speaker 1: place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

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Speaker 1: Today's get is going to help us do just that.

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Speaker 1: She is Sadia Khan, a renowned psychotherapist and former psychology

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Speaker 1: teacher whose bold, viral insights on modern relationships, masculinity, and

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Speaker 1: emotional healing have earned her a global following. Known for

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Speaker 1: her no nonsense approach, Sadia helps men and women navigate infidelity, identity,

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Speaker 1: and intimacy with clarity and strength. Sadia's mission is to

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Speaker 1: empower people to reclaim their confidence, understand themselves and others,

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Speaker 1: and build real, lasting love. Please welcome to On Purpose,

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Speaker 1: Sadia Khan.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so unbelievably

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Speaker 2: honored to be set opposite you, and I know I've

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Speaker 2: been gushing since I've arrived, but I can't express how

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Speaker 2: grateful I am.

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Speaker 1: Well, Sadia, the feelings mutual. I've been loving following you

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Speaker 1: for the past couple of years and I can't wait

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Speaker 1: to have this conversation with you because I think you

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Speaker 1: present such a counterintuitive, refreshing, challenging view on love and

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Speaker 1: I appreciate it. So let's dive straight in perfect I

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Speaker 1: want to ask you, if someone applied your teachings that

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Speaker 1: you're about to share with us in the next couple

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Speaker 1: of hours, what would they overcome.

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Speaker 2: The first thing that they would overcome is their fear

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Speaker 2: of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck

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Speaker 2: in relationships is that they have a fear of conflict

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Speaker 2: because it boils down to the have a fear of

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Speaker 2: walking away. And if people understood that the quality of

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Speaker 2: your relationships will vastly improve the moment you exercise the

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Speaker 2: ability to walk away when you're being heartbroken, when you're

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Speaker 2: being disrespected, and when you're being dehumanized. It actually brings

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Speaker 2: out the best in your partner when they know that

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Speaker 2: you have that strength. When you remove that strength from

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Speaker 2: your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract

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Speaker 2: people who will use and abuse you and treat you

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Speaker 2: terribly because they see that your kindness is going to

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Speaker 2: be your downfall. So I think if you really apply

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Speaker 2: my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that

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Speaker 2: you will have the self esteem to simply attract people

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Speaker 2: who are good for you and develop a disdain towards

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Speaker 2: people treat you badly, And because of that, you can

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Speaker 2: select better and you can maintain your relationships in a

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Speaker 2: healthier way.

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Speaker 1: I love that. So people are going to select better,

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Speaker 1: they're going to attract better, and they're going to stay

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Speaker 1: in the right relationships exactly. Let's start with the first one.

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Speaker 1: Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting

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Speaker 1: people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit,

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Speaker 1: people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why

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Speaker 1: is it it's.

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Speaker 2: Not what we attract, is what we entertain. Most people

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Speaker 2: can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough,

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Speaker 2: we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have

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Speaker 2: low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people

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Speaker 2: are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed

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Speaker 2: to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he

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Speaker 2: doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really

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Speaker 2: ask me how my day is. It's normal that he

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Speaker 2: only texts me at twelve am on a Friday night.

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Speaker 2: And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they

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Speaker 2: start to accept what's actually not going to lead to

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Speaker 2: a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what

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Speaker 2: they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their

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Speaker 2: power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men,

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Speaker 2: but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are

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Speaker 2: the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the

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Speaker 2: ones that leave me worrying what this is and where

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Speaker 2: this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I

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Speaker 2: start to learn that that is a signal that they've

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Speaker 2: got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is

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Speaker 2: delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay

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Speaker 2: my ability to have a family, and so on and

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Speaker 2: so forth. So we can attract all types of men,

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Speaker 2: but we only entertain the ones that will enable you

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Speaker 2: to start a family, in a relationship, or whatever your

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Speaker 2: goal is. They enable that, and if they don't enable that,

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Speaker 2: try and lose attraction for them.

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Speaker 1: Why do we feel more attracted to people who make

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Speaker 1: us anxious and who are unavailable. Why is it that

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Speaker 1: we think that they're the ones worth chasing.

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Speaker 2: Firstly, if we have low self esteem, we kind of

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Speaker 2: see as that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's

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Speaker 2: supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably

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Speaker 2: not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated

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Speaker 2: like this if that's your low self esteem. But the

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Speaker 2: other thing is unavailable men. Sometimes they demonstrate the idea

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Speaker 2: of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem

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Speaker 2: more disare and because of that mystery, we assume that

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Speaker 2: they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives, there's

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Speaker 2: something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive,

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Speaker 2: when we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature.

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Speaker 2: They're not this special guy that's got a million things

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Speaker 2: going and his work is taking over and he's so

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Speaker 2: so busy.

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Speaker 3: Actually, he's just emotionally mature.

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Speaker 2: He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't how to

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Speaker 2: award off alternatives and just focus on one person at

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Speaker 2: the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal

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Speaker 2: of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so

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Speaker 2: attractive to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.

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Speaker 1: I think, just on when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking,

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Speaker 1: if you want someone, like anyone should who texts back

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Speaker 1: within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request.

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Speaker 3: And nobody's that that busy.

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Speaker 2: I know, like men like to sound busy at work

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Speaker 2: or I've got this going on, I'm that stressed, completely understandable,

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Speaker 2: but one text to let that person know will enable

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Speaker 2: them to just relax the whole day. But you can't

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Speaker 2: have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send

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Speaker 2: that quick text, Then that person doesn't understand what it

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Speaker 2: takes to have a healthy relationship, and they're pro probably

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Speaker 2: not worth your investment.

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Speaker 1: Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting

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Speaker 1: that far because they're meeting people on dating apps. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and so you're swiping away. You might get into a

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Speaker 1: conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's

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Speaker 1: talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like, no one,

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Speaker 1: It doesn't feel like it's going that Well. What do

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Speaker 1: you say to men and women who feel like they've

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Speaker 1: been rejected a few too many times and they're losing

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Speaker 1: that faith and ability to feel that there is someone

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Speaker 1: out there for them.

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Speaker 2: Just to be careful on are you actually not matching

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Speaker 2: or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's

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Speaker 2: happened is because of social media and because of dating apps,

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Speaker 2: we enter relationships with almost like a double standard or

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Speaker 2: a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms.

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Speaker 2: We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy, or

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Speaker 2: she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high

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Speaker 2: value man and she's not a high value woman, we

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Speaker 2: start to look at our matches with a level of distaste,

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Speaker 2: when sometimes a better thing to do is look at

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Speaker 2: the people who are matching with you and try and

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Speaker 2: see are they actually that bad?

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Speaker 3: Is there something wrong with them?

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Speaker 2: Or am I just comparing them to a dream, idea

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Speaker 2: or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access.

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Speaker 2: I always just think the more you like the person

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Speaker 2: you are, the higher your self esteem, The more you

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Speaker 2: like people who like you, the fact that the person

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Speaker 2: that are matching you automatically you start to like them

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Speaker 2: more because they've matched you, because you like you and

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Speaker 2: they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem,

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Speaker 2: you chase after people that you can't access. So my

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Speaker 2: advice to people who is always start with who likes you.

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Speaker 2: Always start with that poor and then home in on

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Speaker 2: that poll and see if you've got similar demographics, values,

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Speaker 2: so on and so forth. But where people go wrong

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Speaker 2: is they glorify the people that they're not matching with

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Speaker 2: and wanting a love that they've never been able to access,

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Speaker 2: and then comparing who they do get matched with with

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Speaker 2: these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing

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Speaker 2: is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your

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Speaker 2: standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

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Speaker 1: It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: people are going to say is, well, why do I

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Speaker 1: have to settle?

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Speaker 2: If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are

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Speaker 2: too high And what I mean by that is I

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Speaker 2: sometimes we all meet men who are in maybe in

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Speaker 2: their forties, on their second divorce and saying, I don't

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Speaker 2: want a woman with baggage, so I need somebody twenty

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Speaker 2: five years old. I don't want women with baggage. Or

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Speaker 2: sometimes I meet women who are, you know, not working,

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Speaker 2: and they say I want a man that's an entrepreneur

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Speaker 2: and got six figures. But I always just say, you

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Speaker 2: shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And

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Speaker 2: if similar to you it starts to feel like you're settling,

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Speaker 2: then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what

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Speaker 2: you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if

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Speaker 2: you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much.

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Speaker 3: But if you're.

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Speaker 2: Asking for people to fill the gaps in your self worth,

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Speaker 2: maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit.

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Speaker 2: So ask yourself it does similarity feel like settling. If

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Speaker 2: it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves

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Speaker 2: to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so much of what you're doing about is

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Speaker 1: just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's such

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Speaker 1: a need to be honest with ourselves.

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Speaker 2: And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with

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Speaker 2: ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from tiktoks and

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Speaker 2: advice from you know, people that are giving advice about

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Speaker 2: never settle. You're somebody's dream girl or this is a

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Speaker 2: high value woman. So we think that if we get

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Speaker 2: anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling,

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Speaker 2: when really, as long as we're matched in terms of

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Speaker 2: values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future,

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Speaker 2: we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

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Speaker 1: I mean, so many people on dating apps these days,

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Speaker 1: their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've

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Speaker 1: had a million people about feeling like, hey, we were

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Speaker 1: having a good chat and this person just disappeared. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what would be your advice as someone who feels like

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Speaker 1: they've got ghosted?

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Speaker 2: I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 2: in the digital world, people see each other as disposable

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Speaker 2: and there's very minimal investments, so they don't always feel

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Speaker 2: like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting,

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Speaker 2: it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just

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Speaker 2: been on the app to buy some time to heal

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Speaker 2: from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner,

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Speaker 2: They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind

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Speaker 2: of recover from some kind of stress that they're going

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Speaker 2: through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you,

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Speaker 2: try not to take it too personal. But if you've

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Speaker 2: been dating that person and then they ghost to chances

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Speaker 2: are they're hiding information. Ghosters regardless of their reason, they're

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Speaker 2: still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have

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Speaker 2: for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great

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Speaker 2: at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people

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Speaker 2: who can't communicate.

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Speaker 1: Well, what are the signs when you are dating someone

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Speaker 1: or you're starting to have those early conversations with people?

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Speaker 1: Do you think people miss but should be looking out

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Speaker 1: for that shows signs of a healthy, positive relationship.

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Speaker 2: I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future

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Speaker 2: relationships is their past relationships. And one thing I think

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Speaker 2: people kind of forget is that their patterns don't truly lie.

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Speaker 3: And if you meet a man.

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Speaker 2: Or a woman even in their late thirties early forties

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Speaker 2: have never been a committed relationship and you think everything's

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Speaker 2: going well and for some reason they ghost to you

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Speaker 2: or they're no longer in a committed Sometimes that's just

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Speaker 2: their patterns. Maybe they struggle with commitment, or if you

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Speaker 2: find that these people in previous relationships were always unfaithful

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Speaker 2: or in previous relationships it never really past three months.

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Speaker 2: Chances of people are their patterns, so just try and

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Speaker 2: pay doesn't mean you judge them completely, but pay attention to.

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Speaker 2: If they do fall off and they don't want to commit,

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Speaker 2: it might not be personal. It might just be their

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Speaker 2: pattern in previous relationships where they're just not used to

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Speaker 2: settling down. They don't know how to, they don't have

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Speaker 2: the skills and tools to, so they will find it

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Speaker 2: difficult other people because they've always been in four or

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Speaker 2: five year long relationships. They only have the habits for

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Speaker 2: long lasting relationships. So even when you've just started dating,

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Speaker 2: they'll kind of treat you like a girlfriend and it

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Speaker 2: can accelerate into a relationship a bit faster.

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Speaker 3: So their previous patterns is something to pay attention to.

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Speaker 1: And that second pattern can also be negative because you

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Speaker 1: could just get into a relationship too quickly with someone because.

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Speaker 2: They're just in those habits. Yeah, they're not actually compatible,

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Speaker 2: they're just in those habits. Particularly if they've just come

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Speaker 2: out of a relationship. They might just be in the

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Speaker 2: habit of calling everywhere every day, arranging to see you

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Speaker 2: on the weekends, doing all of those things, which feels great,

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Speaker 2: But if they're not actually healed, it will turn into

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Speaker 2: love bombing because they're accelerating the residual feelings from their

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Speaker 2: previous relationship onto you, and it kind of accelerates the

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Speaker 2: relationship faster than what the psychological compatist ability is. So

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Speaker 2: you might find yourself catapulted into a relationship by somebody

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Speaker 2: who's just in that habit of doing that, and that

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Speaker 2: can also be a problem.

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Speaker 1: What the top three things that people you guide and

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Speaker 1: coach and follow you and social media come to you

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Speaker 1: for and say their number one issue is.

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Speaker 2: Well, for men, they do suffer from a lot of infidelity.

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Speaker 2: The women are cheating on the men a lot more

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Speaker 2: than I ever expected. My number one client is a

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Speaker 2: man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And

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Speaker 2: because there's not much talk about this on social media,

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Speaker 2: and there's not much talk about this in general, we're

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Speaker 2: almost programmed to think men cheat. So yeah, it's rare

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Speaker 2: that you find the idea of women chaging and men

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Speaker 2: don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on.

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Speaker 2: They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost

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Speaker 2: embarrassed or ashamed. Wre as women, we can confide in

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Speaker 2: each other a bit more.

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Speaker 1: So.

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Speaker 2: My number one client tends to be the man that's

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Speaker 2: been cheated on or the woman that can't get the

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Speaker 2: man to commit. That tends to be the two feels

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Speaker 2: that I kind of have that seem to attract in

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Speaker 2: terms of clients. But men getting cheated on or men

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Speaker 2: not being masculine enough to tends to be the common

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Speaker 2: theme of my clients that keep coming back in.

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Speaker 1: That Let's talk about both of those things because they're

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Speaker 1: both fascinating. So let's start with men not being masculine enough.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean? Because I think for a long

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Speaker 1: time we were hearing men are not feminine enough, or

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Speaker 1: men don't show their emotions, or men can't have emotional connection.

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Speaker 1: That's the issue. Yeah, but you're actually saying it's the opposite.

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Speaker 2: It's actually the opposite, and they're genuine because look, we're

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Speaker 2: living in a time, particularly in a city like la

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Speaker 2: where men are almost divided into being too nice and

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Speaker 2: not masculine enough or toxic masculinity. There doesn't seem to

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Speaker 2: be a middle ground. And men who have black masculinity,

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Speaker 2: they have these three traits in common that I noticed. Firstly,

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Speaker 2: they grew up without a male role model. So what

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Speaker 2: may have happened is they grew up in a single

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Speaker 2: parent home and they saw their mum making all the decisions,

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Speaker 2: doing all the hard work, doing the emotional and physical labor,

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Speaker 2: and they think that's what women want. They think that's okay,

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Speaker 2: So when they go into relationships, they think that women

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Speaker 2: wants to make all the decisions, she wants to do

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Speaker 2: everything around the house, she wants to be in control,

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Speaker 2: when really they're looking for a man who's decision making

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Speaker 2: they trust enough for them to finally be able to relax.

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Speaker 2: But instead they think that that's what women want, So

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Speaker 2: when they get into relationships, they're not decisive, they're not

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Speaker 2: problem solving. They allow her to take complete lead, and

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Speaker 2: they almost follow her too much. And at first that

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Speaker 2: might be fine. Women might find that a bit attractive,

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Speaker 2: like okay, perfect is very docile and passive, but later

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Speaker 2: on they find that man exhausting, particularly when they have children.

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Speaker 2: They can't rely on him to make any decisions because

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Speaker 2: he's almost doesn't trust his own judgment and he doesn't

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Speaker 2: have that protective or provider instincts, So she kind of

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Speaker 2: has to end up doing a dual role. But the

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Speaker 2: biggest thing I find with men that lack masculinities is

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Speaker 2: they have a problem setting boundaries. And the effective way

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Speaker 2: to set a boundary is to find the perfect balance

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Speaker 2: between being stern and sensitive. What some men will be

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Speaker 2: is too stern, and they will want to set a

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Speaker 2: boundary and they get abusive. At the same time, they're like,

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Speaker 2: you can't do this name call, and they get too

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Speaker 2: much too stern. Other men are too sensitive, They get

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Speaker 2: too soft with it, so they don't know how to

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Speaker 2: set it. They allow any kind of behavior, and then

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Speaker 2: they kind of suppress what they're truly feeling. To get

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Speaker 2: the right balance, you have to be stern with what

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Speaker 2: you want from that person, but be really sensitive to

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Speaker 2: her needs and understand what she wants and remind her

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Speaker 2: how much you love her and you want to save

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Speaker 2: this relationship, and that's why you're setting the boundary. So

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Speaker 2: it might be something like if she's talking to an

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Speaker 2: X or something like that. You might be stern and

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Speaker 2: saying I don't feel comfortable that you're talking to an ex.

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Speaker 2: But the sensitive part is because I love you and

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Speaker 2: I really want this relationship to work, and I really

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Speaker 2: want us to have a healthy pattern. I don't want

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Speaker 2: any outside interference. So getting that balance is something that

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Speaker 2: guys that stuffer with masculinity don't get right. And if

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Speaker 2: they could just get that perfect balance of sternness and sensitivity,

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Speaker 2: they'll be able to set boundaries a lot better.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you are right. I've seen the abusive for sure. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've seen a lot of men who feel like they

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Speaker 1: just want a submissive partner who does what they want

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Speaker 1: when they want, and.

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Speaker 3: No love in there. There's no actual love there.

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Speaker 2: They're setting all these boundaries, but they're aggressive with it.

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Speaker 2: They're not reminding her that they love her, they don't

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Speaker 2: even show her that they love her, but they want

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Speaker 2: her to obey him. That's not a way to set

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Speaker 2: a boundary. And other men are just two on the

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Speaker 2: soft side, and then she forgets what he actually truly

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Speaker 2: wants because he's kind of people pleasing. So finding that

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Speaker 2: balance is something that's become difficult.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so interesting you said that, because I was

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Speaker 1: thinking about So my mom was the bread wren in

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Speaker 1: my house and she did everything for me and my sister,

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Speaker 1: and my dad was aloof he was kind of checked out.

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Speaker 1: And it's so interesting you said the male role model piece,

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Speaker 1: because two things happened for me. One thing was my

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Speaker 1: male models were monks who were really good men. And

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Speaker 1: then on the other side, I saw my mom's strain

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Speaker 1: and struggle and pain, and that made me want to

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Speaker 1: be a better man. Yeah, but that's because she was

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Speaker 1: vulnerable with me about him. Yeah. So, because I could

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Speaker 1: see that my mom didn't have an easy life, I

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Speaker 1: was convinced that when I got married, if I ever

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Speaker 1: got married, that I would never let my wife work out.

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Speaker 2: But that's a really common trait that and the other

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Speaker 2: type of man experienced. Some men because they saw their

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Speaker 2: mom really struggle, they just want to relieve their partner

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Speaker 2: of all struggles. So the other that they can go

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Speaker 2: is that they want to save a lot of women,

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Speaker 2: And what ends up happening is that they really want

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Speaker 2: to make sure that she has no troubles and she

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Speaker 2: lives a life of complete comfort. The problem is when

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Speaker 2: you remove or struggle from anybody's life, they lose purpose

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Speaker 2: and they actually resent you for not allowing them to

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Speaker 2: problem solve themselves. So some men in that position what

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Speaker 2: they'll end up doing, and I'm not saying this was you,

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Speaker 2: but generally sometimes those men they want to protect their

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Speaker 2: partner from any kind of pain and stress, and in

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Speaker 2: the process of doing that, they can either become a

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Speaker 2: bit people pleasing or just solve every problem that she

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Speaker 2: could potentially have. Either or she doesn't actually get to

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Speaker 2: fulfill her own potential and it can lead to resentment.

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Speaker 2: So either way, unfortunately, the lack of Mailrod Morole model

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Speaker 2: has a significant impact on how they behave with women.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that perspective, and it's such a fine line,

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Speaker 1: and I would argue that probably while I was dating

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Speaker 1: I was that kind of guy. It was only when

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Speaker 1: I got married to RADI did I upgrade to actually

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Speaker 1: realizing that I needed my partner to also pursue her purpose,

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Speaker 1: discover what it was, understand it. And that took a while.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and did you find that? Do you have that habit?

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Speaker 2: Because a lot of men in that position. Sometimes I'll

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Speaker 2: choose women that are heavily, heavily traumatized, or they choose

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Speaker 2: to women that I've never had any work and no work,

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Speaker 2: or they might choose somebody who is just really struggling

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Speaker 2: with it some addictions, and they like that because then

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Speaker 2: they're like, I can just show you and help you

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Speaker 2: and help you recover. But the problem is sometimes when

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Speaker 2: those women do recover, they want a man with higher

435
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,040
Speaker 2: self esteem, somebody who wouldn't tolerate so much of that

436
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,160
Speaker 2: negative behavior.

437
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,320
Speaker 3: So they actually, wow, Yeah.

438
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,800
Speaker 2: So sometimes I'll meet men who like, she had this addiction,

439
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,399
Speaker 2: she was an alcoholic, she was traumatized from sexual abuse.

440
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,440
Speaker 2: I helped her get through all of it. But when

441
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,840
Speaker 2: she's recovered, she's actually looking at him like, why did

442
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,480
Speaker 2: you tolerate all of that? Why did you select this?

443
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,200
Speaker 2: There must be something wrong with you. I actually want

444
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,439
Speaker 2: somebody who's got a higher selection process. Now, sometimes they

445
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,399
Speaker 2: can lose that woman that they have, and women suffer

446
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,639
Speaker 2: from this as well. They think that if I just

447
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,200
Speaker 2: show him I'm consistent, caring and love him, I'm getting

448
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,520
Speaker 2: through the addiction. When he finally recovers, he actually looks

449
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,000
Speaker 2: for somebody with higher self esteem, and they end up

450
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,119
Speaker 2: all that investment can sometimes go to waste.

451
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,679
Speaker 1: So isn't that so heartbreaking? It is because that was

452
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,520
Speaker 1: love in its best form, if someone was patient while

453
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,840
Speaker 1: you healed and they supported you, Like, aren't we moving

454
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,720
Speaker 1: away from love if we leave someone who is there

455
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,240
Speaker 1: for us in our darkest times?

456
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,080
Speaker 2: They are, but sometimes they don't know if you were

457
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,400
Speaker 2: there because you love them or you're seeking their approval,

458
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,320
Speaker 2: and a lot of people sometimes they are approval seeking

459
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,680
Speaker 2: and master that through helping they will help that person financially,

460
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,119
Speaker 2: help that person with every single problem that they have.

461
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,600
Speaker 2: But there's an unconscious contract that the more I help you,

462
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 2: the more you will love me in return. And sometimes

463
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,880
Speaker 2: we can see through it when it's not genuine. And

464
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,840
Speaker 2: when that person can see through that this was all

465
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,800
Speaker 2: done with a contract assigned to it that one day

466
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 2: you will then be lawyal, loving and committed to me,

467
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,919
Speaker 2: they didn't agree to sign that contract. So when they're healed,

468
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,280
Speaker 2: they can become ungrateful to the person who help them.

469
00:20:58,359 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes so much sense.

470
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,359
Speaker 2: So it just depends what the unconscious contractor is when

471
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:03,040
Speaker 2: you're helping people.

472
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 1: I love that unconscious contract. Yeah, you're so right that

473
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,159
Speaker 1: if you're doing it just to say, look, I was

474
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,000
Speaker 1: there for you. Yeah, I was there the whole time.

475
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,920
Speaker 1: You should love me more. Now people sense that. People

476
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,240
Speaker 1: sense that, how do you communicate to someone that you're

477
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,320
Speaker 1: there for the right reasons?

478
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,680
Speaker 2: You have those boundaries, so how you communicate Because I

479
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,359
Speaker 2: suffer from that as well. I like to be super

480
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:24,159
Speaker 2: super helpful because then I'm like, I'm soor irreplaceable if

481
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,040
Speaker 2: I do all these things, I'm sorry replaceable, right, And

482
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,560
Speaker 2: there's unconscious ego attached to that. It's like, look, how

483
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,520
Speaker 2: wonderful I am because I saw you through all your

484
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,280
Speaker 2: financial woes and all this stuff. But really the best

485
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,399
Speaker 2: way to communicate that you're there for love and not

486
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,600
Speaker 2: for approval is that you still have deal breakers. Where

487
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,280
Speaker 2: people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat.

488
00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 2: There's nothing you can do that will make them ever leave.

489
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,560
Speaker 2: Whereas where you're still loving but you're not for approval

490
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,280
Speaker 2: seeking is there's a limit to how much you can take,

491
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 2: and if there's not at least gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty,

492
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:55,480
Speaker 2: you will leave.

493
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,080
Speaker 3: Whereas if you have no.

494
00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:00,240
Speaker 2: Deal breakers whatsoever and you're just consistently loving this, and

495
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,200
Speaker 2: who is just taking from you, It signals low self

496
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,240
Speaker 2: esteem to that person, and it signals an incorrect attachment.

497
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,960
Speaker 1: You know what. I love talking to you because this

498
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,879
Speaker 1: just everything you're talking about is like getting into the

499
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,840
Speaker 1: real like Nuce. Like there's this gray layer of in

500
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,040
Speaker 1: between of all these ideas and that's really what makes

501
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,480
Speaker 1: all the difference. But first, here's a quick word from

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Speaker 1: you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. As

526
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,320
Speaker 1: I'm listening to you, the question that's coming to my

527
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 1: mind is we all seem to think we know why

528
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 1: men cheat on women. Why do women cheat on men?

529
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,480
Speaker 2: I've gotten in a lot of trouble for saying this

530
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,240
Speaker 2: in the perst. No soa Again, Usually in my experience

531
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 2: of when women cheat on men, it's not so much

532
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,400
Speaker 2: that you know he's done something toxic. I've met women

533
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 2: who are in toxic relationships and stayed loyal the whole time.

534
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 2: It's simply when he lacks masculinity, they are most likely

535
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 2: to cheat. I don't actually see women often cheating on

536
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 2: a toxic man. They are actually quite loyal to him.

537
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,719
Speaker 2: They're more likely to cheat on the man that is

538
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 2: too passive, too naive, and too people pleasing. And the

539
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 2: reason for that is because there's something about that man

540
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 2: that is so soft, so naive that makes her lose

541
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,399
Speaker 2: sexual attraction. Something about the fact that he can't spot

542
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 2: red flag, something about the fact that he believes everything,

543
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 2: he doesn't question anything, he's afraid to assert his boundaries,

544
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:55,040
Speaker 2: makes a woman crave somebody with a bit more masculinity.

545
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,399
Speaker 2: So it's not so much that they're cheating on him

546
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 2: because he's so bad to her, Because I've met so

547
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,440
Speaker 2: many women saying he's wonderful man. He treats me really,

548
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 2: really well. I'm just not in love with him. And

549
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,040
Speaker 2: usually the reason why she's not in love with him

550
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:11,880
Speaker 2: is because he's not protective enough. And what some men

551
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 2: will provide, but what we mean by protective is she

552
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 2: might be out all day with her ex boyfriend and

553
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,640
Speaker 2: he won't get protective and say Hey, babe, I don't

554
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,919
Speaker 2: feel comfortable, or she might be doing, you know, disrespect

555
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 2: to him or anything like that, and he doesn't stand

556
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,879
Speaker 2: up for himself. And in those moments when a man

557
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,359
Speaker 2: doesn't stand up for himself, she loses that respect and

558
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 2: then she crosses new boundaries because mainly she believes he

559
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,600
Speaker 2: will stay regardless. And when we give our partners the

560
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,240
Speaker 2: belief that regardless of how you behave, I will forgive

561
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 2: and maintain consistent, I'll love you regardless, we think we're

562
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 2: showing them unconditional love. But what they'll end up doing

563
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,679
Speaker 2: is thinking that we are going to tolerate unconditional disrespect,

564
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,200
Speaker 2: and they end up just pushing our boundaries more and more.

565
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:52,359
Speaker 1: So what does he do?

566
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,359
Speaker 2: So what he does is make sure he's aware of

567
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 2: when he's being disrespected. And we naturally human beings in general,

568
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 2: and I think this as men and women. If you

569
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,440
Speaker 2: ever want to prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's

570
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 2: not so much that you have to spot the red

571
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,679
Speaker 2: flags in the other person. Sometimes you can become a

572
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,720
Speaker 2: person who never gets cheated on no matter what relationship

573
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 2: we go, and you can become immunized to it. And

574
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 2: the way to become immunized being cheated on is number one.

575
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,240
Speaker 2: Understanding your partner's true needs, Understanding what they actually need

576
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 2: in a relationship and asking yourself, can I commit to that?

577
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 2: So some people be in a relationship with somebody who's

578
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:26,600
Speaker 2: got a really high sex stripe, they just can't meet

579
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:27,040
Speaker 2: that need.

580
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 3: If you know you can't, at some point that relationship

581
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 3: is going to suffer.

582
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,680
Speaker 2: Or sometimes you might meet a partner who really needs

583
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 2: financial support and you can't meet that need. At some

584
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 2: point that relationship will break down. So understand your partner's

585
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 2: true needs. The second thing is knowing that if they

586
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,920
Speaker 2: did cheat on you, you would leave. If you give

587
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 2: the signals to your partner that you wouldn't leave no

588
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,200
Speaker 2: matter what they do, and you don't meet the needs

589
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,520
Speaker 2: of each other, chances out that relationship will let end

590
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 2: in infidelity. But if you meet each other's needs and

591
00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 2: you have a rule, both of you have a particular rule,

592
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 2: like if it did happen, I'm going to leave, There's

593
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,480
Speaker 2: no two ways about it.

594
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,440
Speaker 3: So your partner won't take that risk.

595
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 2: They only take that risk when they believe unconsciously you're

596
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 2: going to accept their behavior regardless of what they do,

597
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,840
Speaker 2: and the signals of that come earlier on. So it

598
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 2: might be early signals that you catch that they're still

599
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 2: on Tinder.

600
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 3: You forgive them.

601
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,680
Speaker 2: You go through their phone, you find that they're still

602
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,840
Speaker 2: talking to other people. You forgive them. You forgive the

603
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,359
Speaker 2: footsteps too many times. I'm not saying you've become toxic

604
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,959
Speaker 2: and don't forgive anything, but you let them know that

605
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,359
Speaker 2: this behavior is not something I tolerate. You can do it,

606
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,640
Speaker 2: no problem, but I'm not going to stick around for it.

607
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,879
Speaker 2: When they learn that you mean what you say, they'll

608
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,280
Speaker 2: naturally improve. But if they see that you make a

609
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 2: big kuha, you screamage out, but you actually tolerate more

610
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,040
Speaker 2: and more disrespect. You give them the signal that you'll

611
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 2: accept any behavior, and they start taking more risks if

612
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,240
Speaker 2: it's the wrong person.

613
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 1: What happens when someone is not in an abusive way,

614
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 1: but they are disrespecting you. You make them aware that

615
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 1: they're disrespecting you in a assertive way, but they keep

616
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: doing it.

617
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 2: What do you do when you can't change others, You

618
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,440
Speaker 2: have to change yourself, And the only thing you can

619
00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:00,840
Speaker 2: do is withdraw and remove access utunately, that's the only

620
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 2: way to teach people how to treat you correctly, is

621
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,360
Speaker 2: you remove the perks of being with you. And if

622
00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 2: they don't, if they and some people are scared to

623
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,399
Speaker 2: do that because they worry, then I'll lose them. But

624
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,640
Speaker 2: you'll lose a person who's going to continuously get more disrespectful.

625
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:16,639
Speaker 1: We're so scared of being alone, yeah, and we're so

626
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,159
Speaker 1: scared of not being with someone that I think we

627
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: continue to accept that disrespect.

628
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 2: I know, but sometimes it's more lonely staying with the

629
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,919
Speaker 2: wrong person. And this is why I think having a

630
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,960
Speaker 2: good social network is as important as having a good

631
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:34,639
Speaker 2: healthy relationship. A healthy relationship without a social network will

632
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,720
Speaker 2: lead to codependency. But your social network is so so

633
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 2: important because what it does is as a relationship starts

634
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 2: to fall apart, that fear of walking away when you

635
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 2: need to is lessened. But when you don't have a

636
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 2: social network, as that relationship starts to fall apart, you

637
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 2: will tolerate more and more abuse because you're just so

638
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 2: afraid of being alone, which we all are. We all are,

639
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 2: But having a good social network acts as a buffer

640
00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 2: for that.

641
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, when I'm listening to you talk about

642
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 1: the type of man that women want, and the fact

643
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 1: that if he's too much of a pushover, too sensitive,

644
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 1: too much of a you know, walk over, Yeah, they

645
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 1: lose respect.

646
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 2: They may cheat, they made chea And from my work,

647
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 2: what I've noticed is women fall in love in three stages,

648
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 2: and if any of those stages are missing, the relationship

649
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 2: will either break down very quickly or it break down

650
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 2: very slowly, but it will break down. And I call

651
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 2: it the three a's, and I have like a program

652
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,160
Speaker 2: on it. The first thing is women have to be

653
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,800
Speaker 2: truly attracted to their man in order for the relationship

654
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 2: to actually turn into love. At some stage, there has

655
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,760
Speaker 2: to be physical attraction because naturally that fades with time,

656
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,360
Speaker 2: and you know, we so much familiarity. If we don't

657
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 2: have that to begin with, it can become very difficult

658
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: to start a romantic relationship. This is why we have

659
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 2: so many friends, so many male friends, because if we're

660
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,520
Speaker 2: not truly attracted him, even if he's wonderful, we can't

661
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 2: start a romantic relationship. So I always say it starts

662
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 2: with attraction. The second stage for a woman to truly

663
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,600
Speaker 2: fall in love with the man, she has to admire

664
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 2: who he is and what that means is with or

665
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 2: without her influence. He's just a man that she admires.

666
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,480
Speaker 2: He's got a great job, he's got a good network

667
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,280
Speaker 2: of friends. He's got lots of self control. He's not

668
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,400
Speaker 2: an addict, and he's not addicted. He's got good level

669
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 2: of self control in terms of money, his body, his

670
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 2: sexual behavior. It's not all over the place. So she

671
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 2: truly admires him. And then once she's attracted and admires him,

672
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 2: then she needs adoration from him. He needs to show her,

673
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 2: adore her, reassure her all of those things. If she

674
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 2: gets all three of those chances out, her relationship won't

675
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 2: break down. But if any of those are missing, maybe

676
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,960
Speaker 2: he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she's not truly

677
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 2: attracted to him, at some stages in the relationship will

678
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 2: break down because that adoration will feel like neediness. Or

679
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,440
Speaker 2: let's say, for example, she's truly attracted to him and

680
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 2: he's giving her lots of reassurance, but he's not an

681
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:43,120
Speaker 2: admirable man. He's not working, he's not achieving, he's not

682
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,040
Speaker 2: doing a lot, even though she might love him, And

683
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 2: it might be a slow breakdown, but some stage she'll

684
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,959
Speaker 2: need someone she can admire, particularly when she has children.

685
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 2: So without those three ingredients, I don't think women realize this,

686
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:55,320
Speaker 2: but if any of those are missing, they will some

687
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 2: stage lose interest.

688
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,360
Speaker 1: That's a great three step formula. And I think so

689
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 1: much of the time we get so hooked on the

690
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 1: attraction path. Yes, yeah, that we overvalue it compared to

691
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: the other two. So if he's not six foot four

692
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: and he's not got you know, a particular colored hair

693
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:19,200
Speaker 1: or whatever, it is, right, like, the physical appearance becomes

694
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 1: so much more overvalued than the other two, or the

695
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: admiration piece becomes so overvalued. So if he's not making

696
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 1: enough money, he's not how do you kind of look

697
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: at them as are they equal?

698
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 2: Are they over They're actually equal, They're actually equally. If

699
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,720
Speaker 2: you have lots of physical attraction, you admire him lots,

700
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 2: but he's not showing you any admiration.

701
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 3: That will literally turn into a toxic relationship.

702
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 2: You'll be begging for hugs and kisses and he won't

703
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:45,200
Speaker 2: give it to you. You'll be begging for him to

704
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 2: give you compliments. He won't give it to you, but

705
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 2: you won't. You'll be stuck because you're like, I know,

706
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 2: he's a good man. So many women come to me

707
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 2: and say, I know he's a good man. He's got

708
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 2: a great job. He's such a he's so good at

709
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 2: his work. All his friends love him. She admires him,

710
00:31:57,320 --> 00:31:59,560
Speaker 2: and she's attracted him, but he doesn't adore her.

711
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 3: She suffers a lot. He will start rejecting her sexually,

712
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,280
Speaker 3: doesn't remind us she's beautiful. She feels so.

713
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 2: Invisible around him, but she's stuck because she's like on paper,

714
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 2: he's a great man. So she's got two of those

715
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,240
Speaker 2: ingredients other times, and this is where the nice guy suffers.

716
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 2: She's got so much adoration, so much reassurance. He loves her,

717
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,600
Speaker 2: he adores her, he's a good man, but she's just

718
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,480
Speaker 2: not attracted to him. And she's pushing herself to really

719
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:27,360
Speaker 2: love him, but she just simply can't find the physical attraction.

720
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,120
Speaker 2: And then she kind of thinks gaslights herself and be like,

721
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,360
Speaker 2: am I an evil person? How can I not love him?

722
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong with you, it's just those three ingredients

723
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,600
Speaker 2: if they're not there. And I know it sounds like

724
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,520
Speaker 2: we're being super fussy, but it doesn't have to be

725
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,959
Speaker 2: super fussy. My husband's no oil painting it's not that.

726
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,040
Speaker 2: It's just the fact that I am attracted. It's as

727
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 2: simple as that. And it doesn't mean he's cured cancer.

728
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 2: I just admire the person he is.

729
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 3: That's all it is. He doesn't have to be extreme.

730
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,120
Speaker 2: It's just that I've got attraction and admiration and the

731
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 2: adoration you just need your level of that. Missing those

732
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 2: ingredients is either a quick end because it will be

733
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,120
Speaker 2: toxic he's just not you the love you need, or

734
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 2: it'll be a slow one because you're not getting you're

735
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 2: not truly attracted. But either way, it will break down.

736
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,440
Speaker 1: I think the key part of that is, though, what

737
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,240
Speaker 1: you just said in regards to your own husband is

738
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 1: it's about how you feel, that's all. And I think

739
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 1: the challenge, going back to what we were talking about earlier,

740
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,120
Speaker 1: is so many of our expectations of our partner are

741
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 1: based on like do my friends like them, Do they

742
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: have a good, you know, online presence? Are they successful

743
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 1: at their job compared to And it's like you can

744
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 1: only look at it through your angle, yeah, only because

745
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 1: you could compare forever and you're no matter who how

746
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: successful your partner is, they'd always be second to someone

747
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: else out there.

748
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 2: In the world, especially in this day and age, it

749
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 2: always like, not everybody's going to have a husband that

750
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 2: is great at writing poems and singing songs about them,

751
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,960
Speaker 2: but he still adores you in his way, and that

752
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 2: works for you. You don't know, and you know sometimes

753
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,239
Speaker 2: some girls will be like, oh my god, you go

754
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 2: fifty to fifty with your husband. I could never But

755
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 2: if that works in your marriage and you're both doing

756
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 2: the best you can, that's perfect.

757
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 3: Like, it's totally fine.

758
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,600
Speaker 2: You don't have to compare yourself to the standards that

759
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,080
Speaker 2: have been hijacked by TikTok me. Just as long as

760
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 2: it works for you, no problem. But if you miss

761
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 2: those ingredients, unfortunately, at some stage you'll realize that the

762
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:07,719
Speaker 2: relationship is not quite working.

763
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 3: And doesn't mean you become extra fussy.

764
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,360
Speaker 2: It just means you pay attention to this and you

765
00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 2: figure out which of those is missing and try and

766
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,960
Speaker 2: work on that. Maybe the adoration is missing, try and

767
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 2: work on that, maybe the attraction is missing. There's nothing

768
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 2: wrong with telling your partner, babe, i'd love it if

769
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:22,319
Speaker 2: we start working out together. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

770
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,080
Speaker 2: But if we miss those things and then we ignore

771
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,720
Speaker 2: the resolution unfortunate, our relationships will suffer.

772
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 1: I think that's my favorite checklistuff ever.

773
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,359
Speaker 3: It just it's simple, but it works.

774
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:38,840
Speaker 1: It's simple, but it's really powerful because it's not just

775
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 1: a random checklist. It's things you could actually observe in

776
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,319
Speaker 1: how you feel. And you're right, it's all three. It's

777
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 1: just all three because often the admiration piece just overclouds

778
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,400
Speaker 1: the other stuff. And I always say to someone, you're

779
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,800
Speaker 1: not marrying someone's resume. Yeah, you're not dating someone's bank balance.

780
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:56,880
Speaker 2: And because I live in to buy, I see this

781
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,319
Speaker 2: a lot. They'll meet a CEO, he's an entrepreneur and

782
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,279
Speaker 2: he pays all the bill and he's fantastic. He really

783
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,839
Speaker 2: is fantastic at that, but either she's not attracted him

784
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,439
Speaker 2: or he's too busy to give her any adoration. At

785
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 2: some stage, you're crave it. If we could just do

786
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,879
Speaker 2: one and just live a relationship on one, I would

787
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 2: tell women to just focus on one. Some men are

788
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 2: better at doing one. They just physically attracted and they're

789
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 2: kind of happy with that, but it's an empty libe.

790
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,560
Speaker 2: I think for women, we really crave all three of them.

791
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 2: Outside of that, honestly, it doesn't matter if he buys

792
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,040
Speaker 2: your flowers every day, if you write superms, if you

793
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 2: make tiktoks with you or not, they really don't matter.

794
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 2: Just have those three you'll be fine, God willing.

795
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,640
Speaker 1: So those are the three a's for women. What about

796
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 1: for men?

797
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,040
Speaker 2: It's the three l's I call it for men. The

798
00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 2: first one is they do need some lust. I know

799
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 2: it sounds really shallow, but if they're not sexually attracted

800
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,440
Speaker 2: to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter

801
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:43,640
Speaker 2: what the relationship is like, especially in this day and

802
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 2: age where they're saturated with porn, they will shift their

803
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 2: attention elsewhere. So there has to be some level of lust.

804
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,839
Speaker 2: And what I mean by lust is they're attracted to you,

805
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 2: but this sexual connection between, this synergy in that area.

806
00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 2: The second thing, and I think men don't realize, is

807
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,800
Speaker 2: that we actually need They need some lady but invested

808
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 2: in their partner. And what I mean by that is

809
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 2: emotional and financial labor invested in their partners. Some men

810
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 2: will think, oh, she's successful, she doesn't need any financial investment,

811
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 2: or she doesn't need any emotional she's strong.

812
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:13,680
Speaker 3: They just need it.

813
00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 2: The moment they invest in a woman, they're more likely

814
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,360
Speaker 2: to see that relationship go through. If he's not taking

815
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,279
Speaker 2: her anywhere and not doing anything for her, if the

816
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,319
Speaker 2: relationship ends, he's not bothered. Basically, if he's invested in her,

817
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 2: he's taken on, he places, he's bought a few things,

818
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 2: he's done, he's invested emotionally in financially to her, he's

819
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:30,200
Speaker 2: more likely to want to see that relationship work out.

820
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:32,240
Speaker 3: And the final thing is the loyalty.

821
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 2: If they don't become loyal and the woman and there's

822
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:36,959
Speaker 2: no loyalty in that relationship and they've got their options open,

823
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 2: they're not truly in love. They need those three things

824
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 2: in order for them to truly be in love. They

825
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,719
Speaker 2: need to first need lust, have some lust, put some

826
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 2: labor into that relationship, and then they need to be loyal.

827
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:48,799
Speaker 2: If they say that I'm in love with you, but

828
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:54,839
Speaker 2: I'm not loyal truly, they're missing something. They need it reciprocated.

829
00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:56,840
Speaker 2: If you're not loyal to them and they still love you,

830
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 2: that's actually they're stuck in the lust stage. They need

831
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:01,759
Speaker 2: reciprocated loyalty in order for it to be truly a

832
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,879
Speaker 2: healthy relationship, and then they're fine.

833
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:09,040
Speaker 3: After that. We don't care about that they'll be fine.

834
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no, it makes a lot of sense. I'm

835
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,960
Speaker 1: thinking about just I feel like you've totally reframed.

836
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,200
Speaker 2: What can I ask you though, because I might be

837
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 2: wrong for a man's perspective, is that correct or not?

838
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 3: Really? Is there something that you would say that you

839
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 3: need a little bit more or less of?

840
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:26,960
Speaker 1: Let me think on that.

841
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,200
Speaker 2: It's a great question, because what I'm trying to say

842
00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:31,480
Speaker 2: is that because sometimes I meet men and they meet

843
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 2: a wonderful woman, They've put a lot of energy, invested

844
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:36,080
Speaker 2: a lot into her. They're very loyal to each other.

845
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:39,160
Speaker 2: But because there's no attraction left, of course, they turn

846
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:42,880
Speaker 2: to pornography too much. And that is a very slippery slope.

847
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 2: And that's why a little bit they need some lust

848
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:49,719
Speaker 2: in their first and foremost before those other properties can

849
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:50,959
Speaker 2: be valued in a woman.

850
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: Well, I mean it goes back to what we were

851
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,480
Speaker 1: saying earlier. You told us why women cheat. Yeah, this

852
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: is why men cheat.

853
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a big factor. And I you know, I

854
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 2: know we like to think that people cheat simply because

855
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,879
Speaker 2: they're narcissists and simply because they're like that. There are

856
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 2: some men that come that way. There are some men

857
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 2: that genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what

858
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 2: the relationship is, they're too broken to be faithful. They

859
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,840
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable being faithful. They're going to cheat on everyone.

860
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,480
Speaker 2: But a lot of the time they are deprived of

861
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 2: the intimacy. Yeah, either because they just didn't choose a

862
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,319
Speaker 2: woman that was attracted to them to begin with, or

863
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 2: they ruin the intimacy by inviting too much pornography or

864
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 2: alternatives into relationship and now they've got no intimacy left

865
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 2: with their partner. But when they do lose the intimacy,

866
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,919
Speaker 2: they lose the motivation to be loyal. They think they're

867
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 2: more likely to be loyal to a women that gives

868
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,880
Speaker 2: them good intimacy than a woman that gives them a

869
00:38:38,880 --> 00:38:42,200
Speaker 2: good life because they think why their motivation to be

870
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:45,480
Speaker 2: loyal decreases as their sexual intimacy dies in their relationship,

871
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:47,480
Speaker 2: so they're more likely to be open to it. So

872
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 2: I always tell people, try and guard your marriage by

873
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,439
Speaker 2: embedding the intimacy in it as regularly as you can.

874
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: No, I think you've hit the core root things that

875
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: people are looking for, and how they show up is

876
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:01,279
Speaker 1: always different. Yes, And I think that's why I was

877
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,839
Speaker 1: saying earlier, it feels like you've hit the core at

878
00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 1: the root of what's needed trying to I don't think

879
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:08,680
Speaker 1: you've missed anything. I'm just sitting with it. But I

880
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:11,319
Speaker 1: think anything that I would say are only things that

881
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 1: are part of those Like, for example, you know the

882
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: loyalty piece includes respect, like both people are looking for respect.

883
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 1: I think that the loyalty police includes like they believe

884
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,399
Speaker 1: in your goals and you believe in there's like there's

885
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:29,719
Speaker 1: root causes, and I.

886
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,279
Speaker 2: Think sometimes those women. We can remove the labor part,

887
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 2: hoping that he would think that we're so low maintenance

888
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 2: he won't put any investment in us. Roby so easy,

889
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 2: we become the hook up girl. So what I mean

890
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,759
Speaker 2: by that is, if we remove his ability to put

891
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 2: labor into us, we don't say to him like, let's

892
00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 2: go on dates. We don't say like, look, when are

893
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 2: we getting married. There's no emotional we don't burden him

894
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:49,720
Speaker 2: with any problems, and we think, no, let's.

895
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 3: Just be cool.

896
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 2: We think that being cool eventually he will lead to

897
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 2: us as commitment and he'll become loyal to us. Actually,

898
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 2: he has to put the labor in in order for

899
00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:00,479
Speaker 2: us to see see as something worth being law too,

900
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 2: So if we deprive them of that, we actually are

901
00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:05,560
Speaker 2: enhancing the chances of us just being a hook up,

902
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 2: short term fling.

903
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:07,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how you avoid being.

904
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 2: The avoid being the fling is making it so easy

905
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 2: for them, And I know it's so tempting because sometimes

906
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 2: you're thinking, he's such a lovely guy, really attracted to him,

907
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 2: And if I insist on a few dates, orr, if

908
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 2: I insist on like maybe going away together, maybe I'll

909
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 2: lose him. But you'll only lose people who are not

910
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:23,920
Speaker 2: willing to invest in you anyway.

911
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,200
Speaker 3: So unfortunately, being too easy it can work.

912
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 2: I'm not saying it never works, but at the same time,

913
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 2: it doesn't motivate them in any way, shape or form

914
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,360
Speaker 2: to actually make this serious because they've got it so easy.

915
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:36,840
Speaker 1: What's the difference between the woman a man dates and

916
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:37,920
Speaker 1: the woman a man marries.

917
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 2: I would say the key difference is the element of

918
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 2: stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is

919
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 2: being with a man who is super social, who's a

920
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 2: big drinker and has got all these friends in busy

921
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 2: or day every day and got this amazing life.

922
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 3: Is great for dates.

923
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:53,880
Speaker 2: You get to go on great vacations with him, You

924
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,440
Speaker 2: get to go to red, nice restaurants and so on

925
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,759
Speaker 2: and so forth. But when we get when it comes

926
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 2: to getting married, if you don't look for a man

927
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,480
Speaker 2: that a lot of self control, you will really suffer.

928
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 2: And what I mean by this is that he needs

929
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,000
Speaker 2: to have self control in terms of his sexual discipline.

930
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:08,640
Speaker 2: He needs self control in terms of what he puts

931
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:10,560
Speaker 2: into his body, even the food he eats everything, And

932
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 2: he needs self control when it comes to his money.

933
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 2: If in those areas he's got no self control for dating,

934
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 2: no problem, it doesn't matter. Yeah, he can be sexually wild,

935
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:20,719
Speaker 2: he can spend all his money, no problem. You can

936
00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,279
Speaker 2: enjoy a great life when you marry a man like that.

937
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,120
Speaker 2: Every day's anxiety, every single day's anxiety because his lack

938
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 2: of self control will lead to lack of self respect,

939
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 2: and as a result, he'll have such low self esteem

940
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,640
Speaker 2: that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men

941
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 2: with lots of self control, you can trust that they

942
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,440
Speaker 2: make great decisions. You can trust their judgment, and you

943
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:41,239
Speaker 2: can finally start a family or start your goals. But

944
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:42,759
Speaker 2: you can't do that with men who have got no

945
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 2: self control.

946
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:45,600
Speaker 1: Do you know what the amazing thing is that as

947
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 1: I was listening to you, I was thinking about, like,

948
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:50,360
Speaker 1: men don't learn that anywhere. No, they it's so hard,

949
00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:52,720
Speaker 1: Like if I never lived as a monk, I wouldn't

950
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:53,120
Speaker 1: have any sense.

951
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,200
Speaker 3: What's your biggest lesson? Were living with money?

952
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 1: I mean a big part of it is self control,

953
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,520
Speaker 1: like don't you don't you eat what you're giving? You

954
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:04,880
Speaker 1: celibate while you're there. There's complete focus in determination on

955
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:09,720
Speaker 1: the path. And so there were so many amazing mental

956
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:13,480
Speaker 1: mastery tools that I gained in terms of discipline an

957
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:16,120
Speaker 1: organization that I don't know where else I would have

958
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 1: learned them.

959
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:18,920
Speaker 3: Can you excel as a man without self control? Do

960
00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 3: you think?

961
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:19,719
Speaker 1: I don't think so.

962
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,279
Speaker 3: It's an impossibility, isn't it.

963
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 1: That's what you're saying. I just feel bad because I

964
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:25,759
Speaker 1: can't think of.

965
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,439
Speaker 2: It's the opposite that actually we're told men are being

966
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,279
Speaker 2: told that be with as many women as you can.

967
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 3: We have zero.

968
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:35,800
Speaker 2: Sexual discipline, and you know, you can kind of eat whatever,

969
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:37,960
Speaker 2: and there's always a zembic, so don't worry about it

970
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:38,160
Speaker 2: or this.

971
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 3: We're actually being told to reduce.

972
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 2: Our like our self control and replace it with hedonism

973
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,279
Speaker 2: follow your impulses and you only live once.

974
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:47,160
Speaker 3: Just do it.

975
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,799
Speaker 2: That kind of mentality when it comes to drinking, when

976
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,879
Speaker 2: it comes to food, when it comes to money, to spend, spend,

977
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:54,759
Speaker 2: spend all these things. Unfortunately, we're pushing men into a

978
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,840
Speaker 2: slow and steady depression because we're reducing the importance of

979
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:01,000
Speaker 2: self control and replacing it with self indult audience. And

980
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 2: that is a slow suicide for a man. He will

981
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 2: only start to respect himself when he can control himself.

982
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:08,759
Speaker 2: And they're only when he can control himself he can

983
00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 2: then excel. And if you pick a man who can't

984
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 2: control himself, you'll spend the rest of your life trying

985
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:14,919
Speaker 2: to control him, and it will bring out the worst

986
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:18,799
Speaker 2: side of you. You'll become a mother to a child

987
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 2: you'd never wanted to adopt.

988
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:26,399
Speaker 1: Wow, that might drop. They're so powerful. It's as I'm

989
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:29,680
Speaker 1: listening to you, I'm just sitting here thinking how much

990
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:35,360
Speaker 1: there is a need in helping men realize the mental mastery, sense, control,

991
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 1: discipline are what's going to find the right person. But

992
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:42,680
Speaker 1: I think the problem is men also believe that if

993
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 1: they're the life of the party, if they're the big spender,

994
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:49,120
Speaker 1: if they're the big guy at the that's what's going

995
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 1: to attract the right person.

996
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 2: Attract a chaotic person. There are women, lots of women

997
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:55,279
Speaker 2: that were like that. There are lots and lots of

998
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,200
Speaker 2: women that were like that. You're a big spender, you're

999
00:43:57,239 --> 00:44:00,160
Speaker 2: spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night and or

1000
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:01,440
Speaker 2: the life and soul of the party. But it will

1001
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:03,520
Speaker 2: attract women who want a fast life. Dome probably don't

1002
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:05,640
Speaker 2: want to invest in you. They're probably not going to

1003
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 2: be there when you're suffering and you're on a downward spiral.

1004
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,399
Speaker 2: My reason I'm so strict on men when it comes

1005
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:14,520
Speaker 2: to self discipline and sexual discipline in particular, is we

1006
00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 2: live in a time where men don't really get a

1007
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,359
Speaker 2: say in when a baby is born. It's not really

1008
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,000
Speaker 2: up to them if that child stays. And all women

1009
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:21,400
Speaker 2: have the right way. I don't know what it's like

1010
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 2: in America, but usually we get to control if we

1011
00:44:23,719 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 2: want to keep the baby or don't want to keep

1012
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 2: the baby, and as a result, we get some autonomy.

1013
00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:30,279
Speaker 2: If it's the wrong man perfect we don't have to

1014
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 2: suffer the consequences. But with men, if you get the

1015
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,719
Speaker 2: wrong person and you don't have a good relationship, and

1016
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 2: then you bring children into that mix, you create a

1017
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,359
Speaker 2: generation of broken children, and you.

1018
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:40,360
Speaker 3: Are more responsible for that.

1019
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you have to be more careful than women do.

1020
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:44,200
Speaker 2: Because we still have autonomy. We can get rid of

1021
00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:45,920
Speaker 2: a child if we need to. You can't really have

1022
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:47,440
Speaker 2: that much say in it. So you have to be

1023
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 2: so disciplined with who you are laying down with, and

1024
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:53,160
Speaker 2: if you're I know men who have ruined their families

1025
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,719
Speaker 2: just because they couldn't control themselves sexually, or just because

1026
00:44:55,719 --> 00:44:58,399
Speaker 2: they couldn't have that right conversation with their wife and say, look,

1027
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:01,680
Speaker 2: I'm missing the intimacy, Maybe we should just part Instead,

1028
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:04,040
Speaker 2: they just light a flame into their own home and

1029
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:07,279
Speaker 2: then suffer the consequences. So sexual discipline is a really

1030
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 2: really important one for men, followed by financial discipline, and

1031
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 2: then of course in terms of your food and your

1032
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,240
Speaker 2: health and stuff like that I think is really important.

1033
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,680
Speaker 1: What's your take on women sleeping with men too early.

1034
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:18,960
Speaker 2: I think it's really difficult for women because a lot

1035
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,359
Speaker 2: of women do want to preserve themselves. They don't want

1036
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:23,759
Speaker 2: to jump into sleeping with men so early. But what

1037
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 2: they're finding in this day and age is if they

1038
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 2: don't lead with that. The men don't even want to

1039
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,320
Speaker 2: know them anymore. Men have no longer wanted to invest

1040
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:32,640
Speaker 2: in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that.

1041
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:35,040
Speaker 2: So they're almost stuck between am I just going to

1042
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,320
Speaker 2: stay lonely forever? Or do I end up just sleeping

1043
00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 2: with men? Or I'm not even that keen on but

1044
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,040
Speaker 2: I have to stay in the game. So they are

1045
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 2: really stuck. But what I would say is, try not

1046
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 2: to accelerate your physical intimacy above the psychological intimacy. You

1047
00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:49,880
Speaker 2: can sleep within that same day, but if you've really

1048
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:53,040
Speaker 2: had strong psychological intimacy, you know where you two are going.

1049
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:54,799
Speaker 2: You are in a good place with each other. Do

1050
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,520
Speaker 2: whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all

1051
00:45:57,560 --> 00:46:00,239
Speaker 2: the sex will do is enhance your own insecurity, to

1052
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 2: enhance your own anxieties about the relationship, and then it

1053
00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:05,480
Speaker 2: will leave you dampened into the dating market when you

1054
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 2: go back into it, and negativity with the new man

1055
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 2: and the new man, so it just lowers your own

1056
00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:13,360
Speaker 2: self esteem. So try and accelerate the psychological intimacy first.

1057
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:17,759
Speaker 1: How would you define psychological intimacy versus like, we're just

1058
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,040
Speaker 1: excited by being.

1059
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:22,600
Speaker 2: To your chemistry, Yeah, it's difficult. Chemistry is how much

1060
00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 2: you're enjoying the person's company. You can have great chemistry

1061
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:29,799
Speaker 2: with everybody. Psychological intimacy is how much you're similar in

1062
00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:32,439
Speaker 2: your goals and values. So how similar I can enjoy

1063
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 2: the company of somebody really easily. No, it's not a problem.

1064
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,839
Speaker 2: But you might realize that they're still you know, they're

1065
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,759
Speaker 2: still parting a lot, maybe they're still on drugs, maybe

1066
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,879
Speaker 2: they're doing that. But psychological intimacy is do we have

1067
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,200
Speaker 2: the same vision of where we see ourselves in five, six,

1068
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 2: ten years time, and are we both aligned in the

1069
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 2: values that will take us there. And if we've got

1070
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,000
Speaker 2: an alignment, you're probably quite intimate. If you haven't got

1071
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 2: an alignment, you can enjoy them, but chances are it

1072
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,200
Speaker 2: won't be a long lasting relationship.

1073
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:58,759
Speaker 1: Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from

1074
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: our sponsors, and now let's get back to the episode.

1075
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 1: I like the idea that physical intimacy should follow the

1076
00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: pace of psychological intimacy because then there's actual closeness. Yeah,

1077
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:16,360
Speaker 1: and you're not using physical closeness as a substitute for

1078
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:18,200
Speaker 1: actually having a deeper, meaningful connection.

1079
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:19,399
Speaker 3: And a lot of people do that.

1080
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:23,480
Speaker 2: Sometimes they got with somebody they're so physically intimate, and

1081
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,400
Speaker 2: then they're discovering things that they have nothing in common

1082
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,359
Speaker 2: with each other. But because they've now slept together, they're

1083
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:29,440
Speaker 2: kind of prolonging this relationship longer than it needs to.

1084
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:30,880
Speaker 3: It's almost like dragging a dead horse.

1085
00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 2: So if they can accelerate, And I know, it's difficult

1086
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:36,319
Speaker 2: because it's hard competing with men that push for it,

1087
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:38,319
Speaker 2: or we're living in a world where men will ask

1088
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:40,719
Speaker 2: for pictures straight away and stuff like that, So it's

1089
00:47:40,719 --> 00:47:42,839
Speaker 2: hard for the woman that is. And I always say this,

1090
00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,239
Speaker 2: it's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to

1091
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:46,839
Speaker 2: find a man in this day and age. The woman

1092
00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:50,480
Speaker 2: that's not prepared to lead sexually and lead with that,

1093
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:53,239
Speaker 2: she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are

1094
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:55,560
Speaker 2: and so and a bit like some men then maybe

1095
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 2: they don't want to lead with finances, but they find

1096
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:00,919
Speaker 2: themselves being overlooked. So the people who are actually going

1097
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,600
Speaker 2: into relationships with the correct intentions are finding it the

1098
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:04,400
Speaker 2: most difficult.

1099
00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:05,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard.

1100
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:06,799
Speaker 3: It's so hard for them.

1101
00:48:07,239 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 1: And you shouldn't lower your standards.

1102
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 2: You shouldn't and but I can see why people do.

1103
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:13,920
Speaker 2: I don't want to be judgmental because I can completely understand.

1104
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:15,120
Speaker 2: I don't know what it's like to be single in

1105
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:16,560
Speaker 2: this day and age, and I can imagine. So at

1106
00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:18,480
Speaker 2: some point, you're just like, if I keep having these

1107
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 2: high standards, I'm never going to meet somebody. What I

1108
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,520
Speaker 2: would say is keep your intrinsic standards high and your

1109
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:25,880
Speaker 2: extrinsic ones low. And what I mean by that is,

1110
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 2: keep your standards of how you like to be treated

1111
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:31,360
Speaker 2: emotionally really high. Do you like to expact? Do you

1112
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 2: like labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high?

1113
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,800
Speaker 2: Or regular time together doesn't even have to be dates,

1114
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,279
Speaker 2: Keep that high. But keep your extrinsic values like does

1115
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:40,200
Speaker 2: he take me on holidays?

1116
00:48:40,239 --> 00:48:40,840
Speaker 3: Is he going to buy me?

1117
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:40,960
Speaker 1: This?

1118
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:41,239
Speaker 3: Is it?

1119
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:43,840
Speaker 2: Got mis sent me flowers? Keep those low. They're not

1120
00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:44,839
Speaker 2: relevant in the long run.

1121
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:46,880
Speaker 1: Everything you're saying is in my venuon is spot on.

1122
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:50,879
Speaker 1: It's such great advice, and I really hope everyone who's

1123
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:54,480
Speaker 1: listening is taking notes because there's so much that you're

1124
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,840
Speaker 1: sharing that I think you're so clear in your approach.

1125
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: I think it's really practical. I think it will connect.

1126
00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:04,160
Speaker 1: But I've heard you say before that if someone cheats

1127
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:06,880
Speaker 1: on you, it's partly your fault. I do say that,

1128
00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: and I wanted to hear your.

1129
00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:11,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know that sounds terrible, and I say this

1130
00:49:11,480 --> 00:49:14,720
Speaker 2: particularly with you know, men especially, I'm like, it's always

1131
00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 2: were in fault. And the reason I say that's most

1132
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:20,200
Speaker 2: cheaters come with smoking guns on the first day. There's

1133
00:49:20,239 --> 00:49:24,600
Speaker 2: always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And

1134
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 2: whenever you catch them cheating, usually so they say, I

1135
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 2: always knew because from day one they were like this.

1136
00:49:30,560 --> 00:49:32,759
Speaker 2: And I always say people usually don't lie. They might

1137
00:49:32,880 --> 00:49:35,360
Speaker 2: say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty

1138
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:37,200
Speaker 2: much from day one. And it might have been that

1139
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:39,040
Speaker 2: they were in a relationship when you met them, or

1140
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:40,400
Speaker 2: it might have been that you caught them in a

1141
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:42,399
Speaker 2: few lives when you first got with them, you would

1142
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 2: have caught some signs that this person is capable of

1143
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:48,719
Speaker 2: deeper lies. And when I'm not saying you should always

1144
00:49:48,719 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 2: look for the bad. But when we keep ignoring poor behavior,

1145
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:56,120
Speaker 2: what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from

1146
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:58,799
Speaker 2: the truth. We are going into denial. I actually don't

1147
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:00,880
Speaker 2: have a problem even if your partner is cheating no problem.

1148
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:03,680
Speaker 2: You have to have radical, radical relationship.

1149
00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:03,760
Speaker 3: With the truth.

1150
00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:05,880
Speaker 2: And there are some women out there that are mistresses.

1151
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:08,319
Speaker 2: They're so happy in that role because they know the truth.

1152
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 2: They know that he goes there spend time with his wife.

1153
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,160
Speaker 2: I'll see when I see him. Truth is really important.

1154
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,120
Speaker 2: So the more you align yourself with truth, the more

1155
00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:18,520
Speaker 2: you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing

1156
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:21,200
Speaker 2: red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months,

1157
00:50:21,920 --> 00:50:24,200
Speaker 2: somebody is not coming home one time. Nothing's adding up,

1158
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:28,719
Speaker 2: and you keep making excuses. Unfortunately, we create the environment

1159
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,600
Speaker 2: for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better

1160
00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:34,200
Speaker 2: that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity.

1161
00:50:34,480 --> 00:50:37,040
Speaker 2: Doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your

1162
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:40,080
Speaker 2: treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue

1163
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:42,160
Speaker 2: like that, they don't have to cheat. The behavior is

1164
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:43,960
Speaker 2: enough for you to start setting a boundary and the

1165
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,400
Speaker 2: behaviors you don't need. Because some cheaters will say, well,

1166
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:49,040
Speaker 2: you can't prove anything. Cheatas will always want you to

1167
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:51,879
Speaker 2: catch them red handed, you as the person, should say,

1168
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:53,960
Speaker 2: I don't need red handed evidence. I can see your

1169
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,040
Speaker 2: behaviors not treating me rightly. Stop them there before they

1170
00:50:57,040 --> 00:50:59,080
Speaker 2: get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.

1171
00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: That's where the gas line comes in.

1172
00:51:00,680 --> 00:51:02,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's where the gaslighting.

1173
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 1: Yes, people get gas They.

1174
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:04,960
Speaker 3: Do get gaslighted really heavily.

1175
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:07,040
Speaker 2: And this is even as a psychologist, and you know,

1176
00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:09,120
Speaker 2: when I'm as a therapist, and this is where I

1177
00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:11,200
Speaker 2: have to be a lot more empathetic because I've had

1178
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:13,759
Speaker 2: clients there that were like, she keeps accusing me, and

1179
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:16,759
Speaker 2: they're so like convincing that I'm like, you need to

1180
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:19,120
Speaker 2: stop accusing him. I don't, and then she'll take to me.

1181
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:20,640
Speaker 2: Afterwards I found out he was having an affair the

1182
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:23,399
Speaker 2: whole time. So the gas lighting is very very real.

1183
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:26,120
Speaker 2: But the feeling they give you is always true. So

1184
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 2: they'll lie to you or their words their lips will

1185
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,960
Speaker 2: be learned. But you're feeling that got instinct that something's

1186
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,400
Speaker 2: not right or they're lying. To try and pay attention

1187
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:35,719
Speaker 2: to that, and even if you never get evidence, that

1188
00:51:35,920 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 2: feeling is partly your partner's responsibility to help soothe those anxieties,

1189
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 2: not make them worse. So if you have that feeling

1190
00:51:42,640 --> 00:51:44,799
Speaker 2: and they're just like maybe like whatever you need, like

1191
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 2: to make you feel better, I have no problem. I've

1192
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:48,480
Speaker 2: got nothing to hide. But if they get less and

1193
00:51:48,520 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 2: less transparent, try and pay attention to that.

1194
00:51:50,880 --> 00:51:54,160
Speaker 1: What I'm hearing from you is, if you pay attention

1195
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 1: to the signs that you're seeing, you don't let yourself

1196
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,439
Speaker 1: be in a position where you're taking advantage I'm saying.

1197
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:02,680
Speaker 2: I'm saying, No, your partner better than they know themselves.

1198
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:05,319
Speaker 2: At the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than.

1199
00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:06,319
Speaker 3: They can so.

1200
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:07,920
Speaker 2: And I'm sure you have this with Radi where you

1201
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:10,080
Speaker 2: probably know her so so well that it would be

1202
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:12,000
Speaker 2: difficult for her to have a double life without you.

1203
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 3: You know her behaviors.

1204
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:15,880
Speaker 2: Or where she moves, how she talks, how she kisses you,

1205
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:17,920
Speaker 2: everything you pay close attention.

1206
00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:20,000
Speaker 3: We pay so much attention to your partner.

1207
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,719
Speaker 2: It's quite difficult for them to live a whole double

1208
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 2: life without you catching on. So try and stay at

1209
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 2: tuned as much as you can.

1210
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:28,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, every relationship has a rhythm as a pattern, and

1211
00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:31,359
Speaker 1: when the pattern's off, you check in. I think one

1212
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:34,200
Speaker 1: of the things I see in relationship struggling is, especially

1213
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:37,719
Speaker 1: as they get longer term, is we don't recommit, so

1214
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:40,760
Speaker 1: life changes. Right. Me and Radi had a dating life

1215
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:43,040
Speaker 1: when we got married. We had to recommit to a

1216
00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:45,200
Speaker 1: different way of living. When we got married. Then we

1217
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:47,160
Speaker 1: lived in New York, we had to recommit to a

1218
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,680
Speaker 1: different way of living. We moved to la different way

1219
00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:52,800
Speaker 1: of living. It's almost like I've dated so many different

1220
00:52:52,840 --> 00:52:56,480
Speaker 1: people in radi as in, she's evolved, she's changed and

1221
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:59,360
Speaker 1: saying back at me. Probably to some degree, but I

1222
00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,760
Speaker 1: think we don't I keep when our partner changes, Yeah,

1223
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:03,799
Speaker 1: and we almost want them to stay the same. Or

1224
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,839
Speaker 1: I've heard maybe you say before that we almost want

1225
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 1: our The guy wants the woman to never change, yeah,

1226
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:13,560
Speaker 1: and the woman wants the man to change.

1227
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:14,640
Speaker 3: Yeah. That's the problem.

1228
00:53:15,239 --> 00:53:18,360
Speaker 2: One thing I say is that some men are committed

1229
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 2: to their marriage. And what that means is they're committed

1230
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:23,239
Speaker 2: to that woman as she changes, as they change, is

1231
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,200
Speaker 2: they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person

1232
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,800
Speaker 2: that they've they married, and they will stay loyal forever.

1233
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 2: Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell

1234
00:53:30,120 --> 00:53:32,239
Speaker 2: in love with. As long as she stays exactly like

1235
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:34,520
Speaker 2: the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts

1236
00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:36,600
Speaker 2: to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they

1237
00:53:36,600 --> 00:53:39,040
Speaker 2: don't accept change. You just have to decide what type

1238
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:40,920
Speaker 2: of person are you are? Are you deciding to commit

1239
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,840
Speaker 2: to the marriage, and actually what that means is following

1240
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:47,120
Speaker 2: them through the evolution, getting to know them at every stage,

1241
00:53:47,200 --> 00:53:48,000
Speaker 2: and staying.

1242
00:53:47,719 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 3: Loyal throughout it.

1243
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 2: But if you're somebody who's just committing to the person

1244
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:52,760
Speaker 2: you fell in love with, the moment that person starts

1245
00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:55,080
Speaker 2: to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start

1246
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,520
Speaker 2: to wonder. So it might be good to have that

1247
00:53:57,560 --> 00:54:00,200
Speaker 2: conversation with each other, which one are we? And can

1248
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:02,600
Speaker 2: we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage

1249
00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:04,640
Speaker 2: rather than just each other, so that we can help

1250
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:07,640
Speaker 2: each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change.

1251
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:09,640
Speaker 1: What can a woman do to make sure a man

1252
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:10,680
Speaker 1: doesn't she on her.

1253
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:13,600
Speaker 2: Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected.

1254
00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 2: That's all it really takes. When men know that you

1255
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:18,719
Speaker 2: will always be there for them. You're there, ride or die.

1256
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 2: You accept any kind of disrespect. They've been abusive, you

1257
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:23,799
Speaker 2: accept it. They've been coming home late, you accept it.

1258
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:25,960
Speaker 2: They are talking to other people, you accept it. And

1259
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,879
Speaker 2: you always make excuses for them. I know you love him,

1260
00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:32,040
Speaker 2: and I know your love is unconditional, but respects shouldn't

1261
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,799
Speaker 2: be unconditional. Yeah, she shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of

1262
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:39,239
Speaker 2: that behavior. And when and I know human behavior, we

1263
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,360
Speaker 2: should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We

1264
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:43,719
Speaker 2: should appreciate the person who loves us regardless.

1265
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:46,359
Speaker 3: We just don't. Unfortunately, we just don't.

1266
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:49,319
Speaker 2: So when they see that your love is totally unconditional,

1267
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:52,399
Speaker 2: they will start abusing that love that you have for them.

1268
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:54,440
Speaker 2: But when they learn that you love them, you're very

1269
00:54:54,520 --> 00:54:56,600
Speaker 2: loyal to them, you care about them, but that doesn't

1270
00:54:56,600 --> 00:54:58,759
Speaker 2: give them a license to abuse you or hurt you,

1271
00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:01,040
Speaker 2: then they are more like to stay in line. So

1272
00:55:01,080 --> 00:55:03,800
Speaker 2: I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating

1273
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,959
Speaker 2: is knowing that you have a willingness to walk away

1274
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,759
Speaker 2: and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect, they start

1275
00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:10,279
Speaker 2: to show you a.

1276
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:10,840
Speaker 3: Bit more respect.

1277
00:55:10,880 --> 00:55:12,560
Speaker 2: And I've noticed so many men who have cheated on

1278
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:14,279
Speaker 2: their wives, and they were.

1279
00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:16,000
Speaker 3: Felt no guilt, zero guilt.

1280
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:18,760
Speaker 2: The moment she filed for divorce, they were besides themselves.

1281
00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:20,400
Speaker 2: So for the year that they were cheating, they were

1282
00:55:20,440 --> 00:55:22,160
Speaker 2: having the time of their life. The day she filed

1283
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:26,239
Speaker 2: for divorce, besides themselves, crying hysterically because at some point

1284
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:28,440
Speaker 2: on conscious level, they thought she would never actually do that.

1285
00:55:28,640 --> 00:55:31,040
Speaker 2: The day she did that is when the realization all

1286
00:55:31,160 --> 00:55:33,319
Speaker 2: sunk in. So when the person knows that you're not

1287
00:55:33,320 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 2: too afraid to take that room, they're more likely to

1288
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:36,280
Speaker 2: be respectful.

1289
00:55:36,520 --> 00:55:39,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's not threatening people with it, it's actually

1290
00:55:39,120 --> 00:55:42,080
Speaker 1: doing it for real, just once. Because I find like

1291
00:55:42,239 --> 00:55:44,680
Speaker 1: me and Raddy made it real early in our relationship

1292
00:55:44,719 --> 00:55:47,359
Speaker 1: that we would never throw around the word divorce, we'd

1293
00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:50,759
Speaker 1: never throw around the word break up, We'd never throw

1294
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:52,560
Speaker 1: around any of these words that if you were to

1295
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:54,600
Speaker 1: say it, you'd have to actually back it up. Then

1296
00:55:54,640 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 1: you'd actually have to be there. Because I didn't want

1297
00:55:57,160 --> 00:55:59,560
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship where these things were used

1298
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:03,400
Speaker 1: as level yeah, or used as kind of ammunition to

1299
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:04,800
Speaker 1: get a reaction out of someone.

1300
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,680
Speaker 2: It's only used when you actually, God forbid need it.

1301
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 2: But I always to say that one of my vows

1302
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,040
Speaker 2: that I recommend to my clients. I know it sounds negative,

1303
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:13,880
Speaker 2: is we can sit there and say I'm going to

1304
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:16,120
Speaker 2: love you forever, I'm going to be loyal forever. Probably

1305
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:18,160
Speaker 2: the more realistic vow to say to each other, not

1306
00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:20,600
Speaker 2: even just marriages. As a couple is if and when

1307
00:56:20,600 --> 00:56:23,000
Speaker 2: my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with

1308
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:25,520
Speaker 2: you and that way we can work on the relationship.

1309
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:28,359
Speaker 2: Where people go wrong is as in when their feelings change,

1310
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:31,360
Speaker 2: they don't they avoid communication and they outsource their happiness

1311
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:34,399
Speaker 2: from somewhere else, or they not, they numb their pain

1312
00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 2: through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is

1313
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,520
Speaker 2: if and when my feelings ever change, instead of hurting

1314
00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:41,200
Speaker 2: you and disrespect to you, I will come straight to

1315
00:56:41,239 --> 00:56:42,239
Speaker 2: you and we can try and fix it.

1316
00:56:42,239 --> 00:56:43,239
Speaker 3: And if we can't fix it.

1317
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:46,560
Speaker 2: We will separate on respectful terms. But doing things that

1318
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:48,680
Speaker 2: cause permanent damage is just not acceptable.

1319
00:56:49,080 --> 00:56:53,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's such a fine line because, yeah, we

1320
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:56,080
Speaker 1: sometimes like to in an argument in the heat of it,

1321
00:56:56,120 --> 00:57:00,279
Speaker 1: you'll pretend to say and that that person still knows

1322
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,440
Speaker 1: that you don't mean it, just making it up to

1323
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:04,960
Speaker 1: get a reaction, and it doesn't have any values.

1324
00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:07,359
Speaker 2: It's more of a cry for help and we've all

1325
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,920
Speaker 2: done it, all done it. But it's a seriousness of

1326
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:13,719
Speaker 2: like if you go to I'm not saying have that

1327
00:57:14,080 --> 00:57:17,360
Speaker 2: divorce word ever, but have deal breakers. What I mean

1328
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:19,480
Speaker 2: by deal breakers is one or two things that if

1329
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:23,160
Speaker 2: this happened in my relationship. There's just no negotiation. It

1330
00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:25,920
Speaker 2: might be hitting, it might be cheating. Is there's a

1331
00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:28,400
Speaker 2: deal breaker? If you eat sense that our partner has

1332
00:57:28,520 --> 00:57:32,120
Speaker 2: no deal breakers, They're more likely to attract narcissistic partners.

1333
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:34,640
Speaker 2: They're more likely to attract abusers, they're more likely to

1334
00:57:34,640 --> 00:57:38,040
Speaker 2: attract takers. But if you come with a clear deal breakers,

1335
00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 2: people can sense that confidence, and usually you don't attract

1336
00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:42,640
Speaker 2: people who are going to do your deal breakers.

1337
00:57:42,640 --> 00:57:45,560
Speaker 1: Anyway, if a man cheats on a woman, can they recover?

1338
00:57:46,240 --> 00:57:48,160
Speaker 2: I think it depends on the reason. I still think

1339
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 2: it's difficult. The reason I say it's difficult is that

1340
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:54,960
Speaker 2: it becomes a point of contention pretty much permanently. I

1341
00:57:54,960 --> 00:57:58,040
Speaker 2: would say you can only forgive a person if the

1342
00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:04,080
Speaker 2: cause of the cheating is somewhat understandable. So I famously said, like, look,

1343
00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:05,720
Speaker 2: if a woman cheats on a man, you can never

1344
00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:07,680
Speaker 2: forgive us. She's going to cheat on you forever, and

1345
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:09,400
Speaker 2: she's just using you for free accommodation.

1346
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:11,600
Speaker 3: And I used to and I do stand by that.

1347
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,320
Speaker 2: Usually when a woman cheats on a man, there's usually

1348
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:15,760
Speaker 2: very little recovery. But then i'd have clients and the

1349
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:17,720
Speaker 2: woman would say to me, he deprived me of sex

1350
00:58:17,720 --> 00:58:20,320
Speaker 2: for six years, four years, he wasn't sleeping with you.

1351
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:23,560
Speaker 2: I didn't know what to do as one I had.

1352
00:58:23,640 --> 00:58:25,480
Speaker 2: I was so lost. I didn't know and my culture

1353
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:27,000
Speaker 2: we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to do

1354
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:30,560
Speaker 2: in those circumstances. It's like, did they really cheat or

1355
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:31,320
Speaker 2: did you push.

1356
00:58:31,080 --> 00:58:31,720
Speaker 3: Them to that point?

1357
00:58:31,880 --> 00:58:34,880
Speaker 2: Are they actually an inherent cheat or did the circumstance

1358
00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:36,720
Speaker 2: of that relationship bring out the worst in them? I

1359
00:58:36,720 --> 00:58:38,400
Speaker 2: think if they're an inherent cheat and they do it

1360
00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:39,960
Speaker 2: from day one, they did it even while you were

1361
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:42,160
Speaker 2: good to them, even while you're consistent in caring all

1362
00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 2: of these things, I don't think there's any point recovering

1363
00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:46,880
Speaker 2: that relationship. But if it was something that happened in

1364
00:58:46,880 --> 00:58:49,640
Speaker 2: the relationship that brought out the worst in them, and

1365
00:58:49,680 --> 00:58:52,120
Speaker 2: you can repair what happened in that relationship, then perhaps

1366
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:54,520
Speaker 2: you can give it a chance, particularly you've deprived each

1367
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:57,200
Speaker 2: other of intimacy, because that's usually the main cause. If

1368
00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:59,640
Speaker 2: you've deprived each other of intimacy, it's almost a bit

1369
00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:02,080
Speaker 2: unf to expect a partner to be lawer for five, six,

1370
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:04,400
Speaker 2: seven years. If you've never given them any intimacy and

1371
00:59:04,400 --> 00:59:06,640
Speaker 2: they're still a human. They got needs, So I can

1372
00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:09,120
Speaker 2: understand in those circumstances that they might do things that

1373
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:09,920
Speaker 2: are out of character.

1374
00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:12,440
Speaker 1: It's always hard because when people look at it from

1375
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:14,520
Speaker 1: their own perspective, they're always like, but I was loving

1376
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:17,440
Speaker 1: to you the whole time, right, that's generally our reaction.

1377
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:19,720
Speaker 1: It's almost like, but I was good to you, yeah,

1378
00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:21,560
Speaker 1: and the other person's like, well I didn't see it

1379
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:22,000
Speaker 1: that way.

1380
00:59:22,160 --> 00:59:23,800
Speaker 2: Well, you might have been good to me, but the

1381
00:59:23,840 --> 00:59:25,920
Speaker 2: needs weren't met. Yeah, so you might be. And I

1382
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:28,320
Speaker 2: know couples I've never fought, no fights, no nothing, but

1383
00:59:28,360 --> 00:59:30,160
Speaker 2: they just didn't have any intimacy for years. Or they

1384
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:31,760
Speaker 2: might have been a couple that actually don't fight, no

1385
00:59:31,840 --> 00:59:33,800
Speaker 2: issues in that time, but there might be some emotional

1386
00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:35,919
Speaker 2: needs that they just weren't kissing or harging or saying

1387
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:38,080
Speaker 2: nice things to each other. So it's the needs rather

1388
00:59:38,120 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 2: than just a surface of the relationship that matters more.

1389
00:59:41,240 --> 00:59:44,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, what have you seen when you're as you said,

1390
00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:46,760
Speaker 1: we started with this idea that men who've been cheated

1391
00:59:46,800 --> 00:59:50,480
Speaker 1: on by women, what have you seen the success rates

1392
00:59:50,560 --> 00:59:55,000
Speaker 1: of healing growth for that individual? Even if they don't

1393
00:59:55,080 --> 00:59:56,240
Speaker 1: stay with the same person.

1394
00:59:56,520 --> 00:59:58,600
Speaker 2: I find that men that get cheated on once tend

1395
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:01,120
Speaker 2: to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know

1396
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 2: that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated

1397
01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:06,240
Speaker 2: on in one relationship. They tend to get it a lot.

1398
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 2: And the reason why is because firstly, there's something broken

1399
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:13,680
Speaker 2: in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot

1400
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:15,880
Speaker 2: of repair and have a lot of trauma and have

1401
01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:18,240
Speaker 2: a lot of issues. So they're selecting women who aren't

1402
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 2: truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that

1403
01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:23,720
Speaker 2: partner and they're trying to be useful to get that

1404
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 2: woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet

1405
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:29,200
Speaker 2: a woman that has a few red flags, they are

1406
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,560
Speaker 2: so so passive with those red flags. They don't have

1407
01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:34,960
Speaker 2: the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to

1408
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:37,600
Speaker 2: set us say no. They feel like they're being toxic

1409
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:39,880
Speaker 2: if they have any kind of needs or wants, so

1410
01:00:39,960 --> 01:00:42,760
Speaker 2: they just become too placid. And in those cases, what

1411
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:44,640
Speaker 2: ends up happening is they attract women with a lot

1412
01:00:44,680 --> 01:00:47,840
Speaker 2: of red flags because they don't have the strength to

1413
01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:50,160
Speaker 2: stand up for women that do. So what ends up

1414
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:52,840
Speaker 2: happening is they tend to be in a cycle of

1415
01:00:52,880 --> 01:00:56,000
Speaker 2: attracting that unfortunately, so they're usually selecting women with a

1416
01:00:56,000 --> 01:00:57,440
Speaker 2: lot of trauma and a lot of issues and a

1417
01:00:57,440 --> 01:01:00,240
Speaker 2: lot of unhealed like behavior. And then when they see

1418
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:02,680
Speaker 2: that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary,

1419
01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:05,480
Speaker 2: and they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that

1420
01:01:05,560 --> 01:01:08,960
Speaker 2: is underspoken about is men forgive for female cheating far

1421
01:01:09,000 --> 01:01:11,720
Speaker 2: more than we realize. I would say majority of men

1422
01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:14,000
Speaker 2: forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The

1423
01:01:14,080 --> 01:01:17,240
Speaker 2: problem is the more you forgive it. There's something about

1424
01:01:17,280 --> 01:01:19,120
Speaker 2: women that to lose a bit of respect when a

1425
01:01:19,120 --> 01:01:20,280
Speaker 2: man is super forgiving.

1426
01:01:20,520 --> 01:01:21,640
Speaker 3: I know that sounds terrible.

1427
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:24,040
Speaker 2: It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want

1428
01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:26,680
Speaker 2: somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that

1429
01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:29,880
Speaker 2: he has zero, she might at first be really grateful. Yeah,

1430
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 2: at first, she might thank you for forgiving me whatever

1431
01:01:31,880 --> 01:01:34,960
Speaker 2: it is. But later on, what he hasn't understood is

1432
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:37,439
Speaker 2: for her to actually cheat. And something's missing. Those three

1433
01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:41,240
Speaker 2: a's they haven't been addressed. Yeah, either the attraction, admiration

1434
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:43,920
Speaker 2: or the adoration. Something's been missing. And usually when you

1435
01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:47,680
Speaker 2: forgive too many misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts

1436
01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:51,080
Speaker 2: to go down, and therefore there's an inevitable end. I

1437
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:54,200
Speaker 2: could be wrong, but and my experience, I've always seen

1438
01:01:54,200 --> 01:01:56,000
Speaker 2: that men that forgive cheating they end up getting cheated

1439
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:58,280
Speaker 2: and again by the woman that they forgive, and in

1440
01:01:58,320 --> 01:02:00,560
Speaker 2: the future they tend to find it again and again.

1441
01:02:00,720 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 1: And women, how is it?

1442
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:02,880
Speaker 3: It's slightly different.

1443
01:02:02,920 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 2: It's like the chances of him cheating again do go up,

1444
01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:09,560
Speaker 2: but usually I do find if the intimacy is consistent,

1445
01:02:10,040 --> 01:02:12,960
Speaker 2: they tend to be relatively faithful. Is the intimacy drops,

1446
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:17,560
Speaker 2: the chances of infidelity to increases. And when women realize that, okay, yeah,

1447
01:02:17,560 --> 01:02:19,880
Speaker 2: maybe we didn't have so much intimacy, she's not as angry.

1448
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:22,040
Speaker 2: It's only when she realized she did do her job

1449
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:24,520
Speaker 2: and he still did it, then she gets furious and

1450
01:02:24,560 --> 01:02:27,040
Speaker 2: then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So it

1451
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:30,160
Speaker 2: depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect when

1452
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:31,400
Speaker 2: men cheat.

1453
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:33,800
Speaker 1: I want to shift to talking about the female client. Yeah,

1454
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:35,640
Speaker 1: the one who says I want a man to commit

1455
01:02:35,720 --> 01:02:38,560
Speaker 1: but he's not. Yeah. I think that's super common. Yeah,

1456
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:41,560
Speaker 1: I think people are feeling like, hey, we're thirty, we're

1457
01:02:41,560 --> 01:02:44,560
Speaker 1: mid thirties, we're forty. Why does he not want to commit?

1458
01:02:44,920 --> 01:02:46,840
Speaker 2: Well, first of we unfortunately there's a lot of men

1459
01:02:46,840 --> 01:02:49,280
Speaker 2: that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays. Yeah, so

1460
01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:52,000
Speaker 2: what happens is they see a divorce in their family,

1461
01:02:52,400 --> 01:02:54,520
Speaker 2: and whenever you're raised with a divorceity, he either really

1462
01:02:54,560 --> 01:02:56,400
Speaker 2: really cherished commitment and just never want to get a

1463
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:58,480
Speaker 2: divorce and want to stay with one person forever. But

1464
01:02:58,560 --> 01:03:01,160
Speaker 2: the more common response, particularly for men, is to avoid

1465
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,240
Speaker 2: intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just

1466
01:03:04,240 --> 01:03:06,520
Speaker 2: don't want to get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with

1467
01:03:06,560 --> 01:03:08,960
Speaker 2: the men, a market of men that have witnessed divars

1468
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:11,480
Speaker 2: and a little bit anxious of getting committing. If you

1469
01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:14,120
Speaker 2: are a man that has commitment issues, if you're trying

1470
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:15,640
Speaker 2: to work out, because a lot of men think that, oh,

1471
01:03:15,640 --> 01:03:17,680
Speaker 2: it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment, it's just

1472
01:03:17,880 --> 01:03:20,080
Speaker 2: she's like this and she's too needy, or she's They

1473
01:03:20,120 --> 01:03:22,720
Speaker 2: try and blame the woman. If it was truly something

1474
01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:24,560
Speaker 2: wrong with the woman, then why are you with her?

1475
01:03:24,680 --> 01:03:24,880
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1476
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:26,280
Speaker 3: I always ask him why you're with her? Why don't

1477
01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:26,880
Speaker 3: you just leave her?

1478
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:29,440
Speaker 2: And let her find somebody who's going to commit, so

1479
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:31,160
Speaker 2: then they realize, actually there's nothing wrong with her.

1480
01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:32,360
Speaker 3: There must be something in them.

1481
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:34,640
Speaker 2: If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to

1482
01:03:34,680 --> 01:03:36,960
Speaker 2: do is make a as a man, try and be

1483
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:37,600
Speaker 2: a bit logical.

1484
01:03:37,640 --> 01:03:39,600
Speaker 3: Make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that

1485
01:03:39,600 --> 01:03:41,800
Speaker 3: can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad

1486
01:03:41,840 --> 01:03:42,240
Speaker 3: can it be?

1487
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:44,680
Speaker 2: If it's like, oh, she's really toxic, she's really abusive,

1488
01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:46,560
Speaker 2: she's going to cheat on me, Fine, no problem, then

1489
01:03:46,600 --> 01:03:48,800
Speaker 2: maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks

1490
01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:51,880
Speaker 2: are quite low and the behaviors are quite good, then

1491
01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:54,440
Speaker 2: you don't lose anything from committing. Nothing is going to

1492
01:03:54,480 --> 01:03:57,800
Speaker 2: actually happen. Whatever your fear is is irrational. So try

1493
01:03:57,920 --> 01:03:59,760
Speaker 2: to work out the risks of that relationship. If there's

1494
01:03:59,760 --> 01:04:01,800
Speaker 2: not too many risks, try and just commit. Because only

1495
01:04:01,880 --> 01:04:04,960
Speaker 2: through commitment you'll realize if you're compatible. Without commitment, you

1496
01:04:04,960 --> 01:04:07,040
Speaker 2: can't actually get to compatibility. And the reason being is

1497
01:04:07,080 --> 01:04:10,040
Speaker 2: because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're

1498
01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:11,919
Speaker 2: kind of talking to this person here, we're going there,

1499
01:04:11,920 --> 01:04:14,440
Speaker 2: we're not truly committed. The moment you commit, you realize

1500
01:04:14,440 --> 01:04:15,880
Speaker 2: if you're right or wrong for each other, and then

1501
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:17,960
Speaker 2: it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your

1502
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:20,160
Speaker 2: own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually

1503
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:22,320
Speaker 2: very useful for both parties to realize where it's going.

1504
01:04:22,600 --> 01:04:25,040
Speaker 1: And what about for the woman who's waiting for him

1505
01:04:25,080 --> 01:04:27,840
Speaker 1: to commit, She's tried to have the conversation with him.

1506
01:04:28,200 --> 01:04:31,320
Speaker 1: He's not opening up, he can't really reflect on this

1507
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:33,800
Speaker 1: idea that he wants to commit. What does she do?

1508
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:36,000
Speaker 2: I would say, like in my experience of women who

1509
01:04:36,040 --> 01:04:38,920
Speaker 2: have had to push their partner into aultimatums into getting commitment,

1510
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:40,800
Speaker 2: the man you end up being married to is not

1511
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,160
Speaker 2: a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that

1512
01:04:43,200 --> 01:04:45,760
Speaker 2: are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for

1513
01:04:45,840 --> 01:04:48,720
Speaker 2: making them a married man. They get angry at small

1514
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:50,920
Speaker 2: signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to

1515
01:04:50,960 --> 01:04:52,520
Speaker 2: be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have

1516
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:53,960
Speaker 2: to check in with you every day and tell you

1517
01:04:54,000 --> 01:04:56,040
Speaker 2: what time they're coming home and what time dinner is

1518
01:04:56,080 --> 01:04:58,760
Speaker 2: going to be ready. They resent the patterns of being married.

1519
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:01,320
Speaker 2: So the more you're pushing man that doesn't want commitment

1520
01:05:01,400 --> 01:05:04,120
Speaker 2: into commitment, you're only going to access a relationship that

1521
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,960
Speaker 2: won't really make you happy anyway, So when you're forcing

1522
01:05:07,000 --> 01:05:09,120
Speaker 2: them and putting the automatives, it's better to ask yourself,

1523
01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:11,800
Speaker 2: is this man who he truly is right now? Somebody

1524
01:05:11,840 --> 01:05:14,920
Speaker 2: I can actually be married to? If the answer is you,

1525
01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:17,800
Speaker 2: he's got potential, maybe if you committed, then try not to.

1526
01:05:18,040 --> 01:05:20,840
Speaker 2: But if it's like, yes, he is, then he would

1527
01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:23,720
Speaker 2: naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly is

1528
01:05:23,720 --> 01:05:26,600
Speaker 2: someone worth pushing into a commitment, because usually they turn

1529
01:05:26,680 --> 01:05:29,080
Speaker 2: into a very negative person when you push them into commitment.

1530
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,520
Speaker 1: Anyway, I'm glad you said that about ultimatums. I'm not

1531
01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:31,960
Speaker 1: a fan of.

1532
01:05:32,760 --> 01:05:33,880
Speaker 3: Why don't you like them?

1533
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:37,600
Speaker 1: Same reason? I think if anyone has to be forced.

1534
01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:40,480
Speaker 1: For example, if a guy doesn't want to have a

1535
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:43,560
Speaker 1: wedding and you force him to have a wedding, he'll

1536
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:44,400
Speaker 1: resent it forever.

1537
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:45,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you'll make you miserable.

1538
01:05:45,720 --> 01:05:48,240
Speaker 1: That's just one day. That's one So let alone like

1539
01:05:48,480 --> 01:05:51,840
Speaker 1: having a marriage and being in a marriage and all

1540
01:05:51,880 --> 01:05:54,080
Speaker 1: the rest of it. I just think that you can't

1541
01:05:54,120 --> 01:05:57,280
Speaker 1: for if you have to force people into love and commitment, yeah,

1542
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,200
Speaker 1: then it's not love and commitment. Yeah.

1543
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,080
Speaker 2: And are you sure you love them, because if you

1544
01:06:01,080 --> 01:06:02,800
Speaker 2: have to force them to become a person they're not

1545
01:06:02,840 --> 01:06:04,760
Speaker 2: in order to please you. Are you sure you love

1546
01:06:04,800 --> 01:06:06,520
Speaker 2: the real them? Because every time I meet a woman

1547
01:06:06,560 --> 01:06:08,600
Speaker 2: who's suffering in a marriage, I ask him did he

1548
01:06:08,640 --> 01:06:10,280
Speaker 2: want to get married because the things you are? Because

1549
01:06:10,320 --> 01:06:12,040
Speaker 2: usually a lot of these women are not asking for

1550
01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:13,919
Speaker 2: a lot. They'll say I just asked him to spend

1551
01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:15,479
Speaker 2: some time with me after work, or I just asked

1552
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:17,000
Speaker 2: that maybe we can get a kiss. When he walks

1553
01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:18,840
Speaker 2: in and he makes it out like it's such a

1554
01:06:18,840 --> 01:06:20,760
Speaker 2: big degre, He's like, leave you alone. He gets so aggressive

1555
01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:22,760
Speaker 2: about it. And then I asked him did you push

1556
01:06:22,800 --> 01:06:24,880
Speaker 2: him to get married? And she's like, yeah, well I

1557
01:06:24,920 --> 01:06:26,920
Speaker 2: sold him. I'm turning thirty four this year. If you

1558
01:06:26,920 --> 01:06:28,560
Speaker 2: don't marry me, I'm gone. And you know, he got

1559
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:31,560
Speaker 2: nervous and did it. But unfortunately, those ultimatums just bring

1560
01:06:31,560 --> 01:06:33,320
Speaker 2: out the resentment in the man or the woman all

1561
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,200
Speaker 2: the other way around. It brings out their resentment and

1562
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:37,280
Speaker 2: they're mean to you. And are you sure you want

1563
01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:38,720
Speaker 2: to marry somebody who's going to be mean?

1564
01:06:39,240 --> 01:06:43,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, Because the opposite of commitment is actually comfort. The

1565
01:06:43,160 --> 01:06:45,480
Speaker 1: point is they're comfortable and that's what they want.

1566
01:06:45,560 --> 01:06:46,160
Speaker 3: That's what they want.

1567
01:06:46,160 --> 01:06:49,200
Speaker 1: And so when you're forcing commitment, you're basically saying I

1568
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:51,280
Speaker 1: want you to be uncomfortable, and they don't want it,

1569
01:06:51,360 --> 01:06:53,120
Speaker 1: and they don't want it, and they do it and

1570
01:06:53,160 --> 01:06:55,640
Speaker 1: then they're uncomfortable and then blame then and then you

1571
01:06:55,680 --> 01:06:56,480
Speaker 1: get the blame.

1572
01:06:56,280 --> 01:06:58,800
Speaker 2: And they're truly uncomfortable. Just simple things. I'll have clients,

1573
01:06:58,840 --> 01:07:00,680
Speaker 2: so it's just a simple thing, just going to bed.

1574
01:07:00,680 --> 01:07:02,360
Speaker 2: At the same time, he doesn't want to do it.

1575
01:07:02,400 --> 01:07:03,760
Speaker 2: He want to be like, I don't want to go

1576
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:05,720
Speaker 2: at the time I want to go. So the acts

1577
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:08,840
Speaker 2: of marriage, do the behaviors of marriage feel uncomfortable to

1578
01:07:08,880 --> 01:07:11,280
Speaker 2: that man? If they do, then you're going to create

1579
01:07:11,280 --> 01:07:14,040
Speaker 2: a husband that you actually don't aren't happy with, and

1580
01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:14,840
Speaker 2: you're going to suffer.

1581
01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:18,360
Speaker 1: Let's take a short break to hear from our sponsors.

1582
01:07:19,520 --> 01:07:22,360
Speaker 1: All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive

1583
01:07:22,400 --> 01:07:25,200
Speaker 1: back in. Can you save a bad relationship?

1584
01:07:25,320 --> 01:07:28,480
Speaker 2: Yes, you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult

1585
01:07:28,480 --> 01:07:31,080
Speaker 2: if both people don't want to. The only way you

1586
01:07:31,080 --> 01:07:33,680
Speaker 2: can save a bad relationship is if both people truly

1587
01:07:33,720 --> 01:07:36,840
Speaker 2: want to and they've just misunderstanding each other. The relationships

1588
01:07:36,840 --> 01:07:40,040
Speaker 2: that are difficult to save is when one other person

1589
01:07:40,280 --> 01:07:42,800
Speaker 2: is far more attached than the other. When one person

1590
01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:45,040
Speaker 2: is really wanting the relationship to work, and the other

1591
01:07:45,080 --> 01:07:47,920
Speaker 2: person is simply not attracted, not invested, and not committed,

1592
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:50,080
Speaker 2: then what ends up happening is the only way it

1593
01:07:50,080 --> 01:07:53,280
Speaker 2: can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands

1594
01:07:53,360 --> 01:07:56,160
Speaker 2: less and less and less, And that's usually the dynamic.

1595
01:07:56,200 --> 01:07:58,120
Speaker 2: When one person wants it more than the other, you

1596
01:07:58,200 --> 01:08:00,360
Speaker 2: get a beggar in the relationship. And just like beggars

1597
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:02,240
Speaker 2: on the street, when they ask for a bit, you'll

1598
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:03,480
Speaker 2: give them a bit, but when they ask for a lot,

1599
01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:05,400
Speaker 2: you're like, go away, you're a beggar, Like I'll give

1600
01:08:05,400 --> 01:08:07,760
Speaker 2: you bare minimum. That's how couples start to treat the

1601
01:08:07,760 --> 01:08:09,720
Speaker 2: person who begs to be with them. So when you

1602
01:08:10,040 --> 01:08:12,280
Speaker 2: enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix. But when

1603
01:08:12,280 --> 01:08:14,240
Speaker 2: you enter a dynare we don't know why we keep

1604
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,120
Speaker 2: butting heads. We love each other, I don't know why

1605
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:18,439
Speaker 2: it's not working. Then it's probably just something wrong in

1606
01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:20,640
Speaker 2: understanding each other's core needs, and it's very easy to

1607
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:21,439
Speaker 2: fix those people.

1608
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:24,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's natural for relationships to go through

1609
01:08:24,240 --> 01:08:28,120
Speaker 1: ups and downs. It's pretty remarkable if a relationship is

1610
01:08:28,200 --> 01:08:32,240
Speaker 1: always hard because work comes out. I think having children

1611
01:08:32,320 --> 01:08:35,080
Speaker 1: is a huge one for people to stay connected during

1612
01:08:35,120 --> 01:08:38,320
Speaker 1: that time. Travel, There's a million things that are going

1613
01:08:38,400 --> 01:08:41,360
Speaker 1: to happen, and all of it comes down to am

1614
01:08:41,400 --> 01:08:43,960
Speaker 1: I communicating with that person and are they communicating with me?

1615
01:08:44,600 --> 01:08:47,880
Speaker 1: And I think we just haven't been trained to say, hey,

1616
01:08:47,920 --> 01:08:50,439
Speaker 1: when you're going through a change, Yeah, tell your partner

1617
01:08:50,920 --> 01:08:53,840
Speaker 1: and practice it when the changes are small, like, hey,

1618
01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:56,280
Speaker 1: for the next three days, I've got a busy work period.

1619
01:08:56,640 --> 01:08:58,880
Speaker 1: Hey for the next week, I've got a big presentation

1620
01:08:58,920 --> 01:09:01,639
Speaker 1: of work I'm preparing for, or like talk about those

1621
01:09:01,680 --> 01:09:03,800
Speaker 1: tiny things. Yeah, so that when you have big things

1622
01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:07,280
Speaker 1: like having kids or travel or parent issues, you're not

1623
01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:07,839
Speaker 1: as scared.

1624
01:09:07,880 --> 01:09:08,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not so bad.

1625
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:11,200
Speaker 2: But then I do find what relationships happen In relationships,

1626
01:09:11,320 --> 01:09:14,160
Speaker 2: there's relationships that have pains, which are ups and downs.

1627
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:16,960
Speaker 2: Maybe the miscarriage, maybe things go wrong busy with work.

1628
01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:19,080
Speaker 2: And there's relationships that are suffering, which is simply a

1629
01:09:19,360 --> 01:09:22,519
Speaker 2: consequences of poor decisions when you've chosen the wrong person.

1630
01:09:22,880 --> 01:09:25,280
Speaker 2: Pains will happen in every marriage. Every marriage will have

1631
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:27,680
Speaker 2: ups and downs, financial issues. Babies will come pay, but

1632
01:09:27,680 --> 01:09:30,720
Speaker 2: babies will go God forbid, parents get sick. Those are

1633
01:09:30,720 --> 01:09:32,760
Speaker 2: pains in marriages. These are to be expected and it

1634
01:09:32,800 --> 01:09:36,599
Speaker 2: can cause rough periods. Suffering is when even without those

1635
01:09:36,840 --> 01:09:40,040
Speaker 2: there are emotional consequences of just choosing the wrong partner

1636
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:43,599
Speaker 2: and daily, daily things, small things become big fights. You

1637
01:09:43,640 --> 01:09:45,240
Speaker 2: just want to hold hands, They get angry at that,

1638
01:09:45,280 --> 01:09:46,200
Speaker 2: You just want to spend more time.

1639
01:09:46,240 --> 01:09:48,120
Speaker 3: They get angry at that. Your life starts to feel

1640
01:09:48,120 --> 01:09:48,599
Speaker 3: like suffering.

1641
01:09:48,640 --> 01:09:50,559
Speaker 2: And when it's more suffering than it is pain, then

1642
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:52,320
Speaker 2: it's a bit harder to fix those marriages.

1643
01:09:52,479 --> 01:09:54,880
Speaker 1: I do think picking is such a big part of it. Yeah,

1644
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:58,280
Speaker 1: it's so hard when going back to your three a's

1645
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:01,400
Speaker 1: and your three l's. Yeah, if someone's been with someone

1646
01:10:01,439 --> 01:10:06,880
Speaker 1: for ten years now and the attractions faded naturally to

1647
01:10:06,960 --> 01:10:15,439
Speaker 1: some degree, they kind of admire them, and they kind

1648
01:10:15,479 --> 01:10:19,200
Speaker 1: of get adoration to some degree, and you already have

1649
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:21,720
Speaker 1: kids together, you're not going to necessarily get divorced.

1650
01:10:21,840 --> 01:10:23,720
Speaker 2: No, but then that's fine. That's actually not so end

1651
01:10:23,720 --> 01:10:26,120
Speaker 2: of the world, as long as it's not so toxic.

1652
01:10:26,479 --> 01:10:28,479
Speaker 2: If you've got to a stage where it's kind of okay,

1653
01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:30,599
Speaker 2: it's not so bad. I think in this day and age,

1654
01:10:30,640 --> 01:10:31,040
Speaker 2: that's a win.

1655
01:10:31,360 --> 01:10:31,559
Speaker 1: You know.

1656
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,439
Speaker 2: I know it sounds terrible and it sounds like, oh,

1657
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:35,720
Speaker 2: you're just floating by, But I think as long as

1658
01:10:35,720 --> 01:10:39,479
Speaker 2: you're avoiding suffering and you're not a toxic in if

1659
01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:42,560
Speaker 2: you're after ten years, you're kind of attracted, kind of admires,

1660
01:10:42,680 --> 01:10:44,840
Speaker 2: some adoration, but it's not unstable.

1661
01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:46,160
Speaker 3: I actually think that's a win.

1662
01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:48,120
Speaker 2: I know that sounds terrible, but I just think that's

1663
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,559
Speaker 2: not a bad I wouldn't be terrified if I had that.

1664
01:10:50,880 --> 01:10:53,000
Speaker 2: It's only when you never had those to begin with,

1665
01:10:53,240 --> 01:10:56,639
Speaker 2: and then they just gets exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated, it usually

1666
01:10:56,640 --> 01:10:57,519
Speaker 2: turns into suffering.

1667
01:10:57,880 --> 01:11:01,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, So unless it's toxic abuse exploited.

1668
01:11:01,479 --> 01:11:04,000
Speaker 2: To I think if you don't have it so bad

1669
01:11:04,160 --> 01:11:05,920
Speaker 2: and you don't have any of the deal breakers, I

1670
01:11:05,920 --> 01:11:08,120
Speaker 2: think what happens is people focus so much on like

1671
01:11:08,200 --> 01:11:10,360
Speaker 2: having the highs in a relationship. I just think, as

1672
01:11:10,400 --> 01:11:12,840
Speaker 2: long as you don't have deep lows, even if it's

1673
01:11:12,840 --> 01:11:14,800
Speaker 2: not like poems and you don't have these holidays and

1674
01:11:14,840 --> 01:11:17,120
Speaker 2: you don't have these great experiences, but you don't have

1675
01:11:17,160 --> 01:11:19,800
Speaker 2: any of those toxic lows. Having that sense of peace

1676
01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:22,160
Speaker 2: is actually okay, I actually think that's a win. I

1677
01:11:22,200 --> 01:11:24,519
Speaker 2: think it's toxic to assume that you should always be

1678
01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:26,840
Speaker 2: having those highs. I think actually just seek that piece,

1679
01:11:26,880 --> 01:11:28,519
Speaker 2: and it's as long as they don't have deal breakers,

1680
01:11:28,560 --> 01:11:31,240
Speaker 2: the relationship will be Maybe it won't be the most exciting,

1681
01:11:31,479 --> 01:11:33,519
Speaker 2: but as long as it's not got those deal breakers,

1682
01:11:33,560 --> 01:11:35,519
Speaker 2: you'll actually have relatively peaceful marriage.

1683
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:38,479
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting you just said both are toxic. Always

1684
01:11:38,520 --> 01:11:41,200
Speaker 1: wanting to be on the highest toxic and naturally someone

1685
01:11:41,200 --> 01:11:43,479
Speaker 1: who treats you low as toxic. Yeah, and so both

1686
01:11:43,520 --> 01:11:45,439
Speaker 1: of them can be toxic. So of them as opposed

1687
01:11:45,439 --> 01:11:47,800
Speaker 1: to accepting that piece is piece is a great place

1688
01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:48,080
Speaker 1: to be.

1689
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:49,120
Speaker 3: It's the goal.

1690
01:11:49,360 --> 01:11:51,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, the end goal is that peaceful state where it's

1691
01:11:51,680 --> 01:11:53,639
Speaker 2: not too high not too low. The highs and lows

1692
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:56,200
Speaker 2: comes because the circumstance isn't but not because our day

1693
01:11:56,240 --> 01:11:59,960
Speaker 2: to day interactions are so overstimulating or understimulating.

1694
01:12:00,040 --> 01:12:01,599
Speaker 3: It doesn't come from day to day. It comes from

1695
01:12:01,640 --> 01:12:03,519
Speaker 3: experiences or events in our marriage.

1696
01:12:03,760 --> 01:12:06,880
Speaker 1: Sadia, what's the worst thing to say to someone who's

1697
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:08,000
Speaker 1: just gone through a breakup?

1698
01:12:08,160 --> 01:12:10,080
Speaker 2: The worst thing that you can say to somebody who's

1699
01:12:10,160 --> 01:12:13,479
Speaker 2: just gone through a breakup. Is that, Well, you knew

1700
01:12:13,479 --> 01:12:16,240
Speaker 2: he was like that anyway, so what's the problem? I know,

1701
01:12:16,400 --> 01:12:18,839
Speaker 2: you know, sometimes we do know the person was already

1702
01:12:18,880 --> 01:12:21,720
Speaker 2: like that, we know, but right now, dwelling on that

1703
01:12:21,760 --> 01:12:24,519
Speaker 2: person is probably the least important part of the healing

1704
01:12:24,560 --> 01:12:27,639
Speaker 2: process to get over our heartbreak. It's not so much

1705
01:12:27,680 --> 01:12:30,200
Speaker 2: that we have to forget the person that we're heartbroken about,

1706
01:12:30,200 --> 01:12:32,640
Speaker 2: but we just have to try and rediscover ourselves. And

1707
01:12:32,680 --> 01:12:35,479
Speaker 2: the best way to rediscover ourselves is not by focusing

1708
01:12:35,479 --> 01:12:37,519
Speaker 2: on the person, focusing on what he did wrong, how

1709
01:12:37,600 --> 01:12:40,280
Speaker 2: terrible he is. It's more just finding out what your

1710
01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:43,000
Speaker 2: patterns are, what your selection was, and then how you

1711
01:12:43,040 --> 01:12:45,639
Speaker 2: can improve your life so much so that the feelings

1712
01:12:45,680 --> 01:12:49,559
Speaker 2: for him become they disappear. But dwelling on him and

1713
01:12:49,560 --> 01:12:51,880
Speaker 2: focusing on him and all his problems, I think that

1714
01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,280
Speaker 2: will just keep you invested in relationship and make it

1715
01:12:54,280 --> 01:12:55,719
Speaker 2: harder for you to heal that heartbreak.

1716
01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:57,920
Speaker 1: What about when you thought you were going to spend

1717
01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:00,880
Speaker 1: the rest of your life with someone and they left you,

1718
01:13:01,720 --> 01:13:04,639
Speaker 1: They moved on, They didn't see it the same way,

1719
01:13:04,680 --> 01:13:07,600
Speaker 1: but you were convinced after a few years that this

1720
01:13:07,760 --> 01:13:10,280
Speaker 1: was going to be your person and you break up.

1721
01:13:11,520 --> 01:13:13,200
Speaker 1: What actually helps, I.

1722
01:13:13,200 --> 01:13:15,280
Speaker 2: Think the only thing that helps is just remembering that

1723
01:13:15,360 --> 01:13:18,160
Speaker 2: everything you wanted with this person, whether that vision was

1724
01:13:18,200 --> 01:13:20,040
Speaker 2: getting married, whether it was to have kids, where it

1725
01:13:20,080 --> 01:13:22,720
Speaker 2: was to go on holidays, that vision is still attainable

1726
01:13:22,760 --> 01:13:25,439
Speaker 2: for you. You can still access that entire vision you

1727
01:13:25,479 --> 01:13:28,200
Speaker 2: had with them with somebody new, and if you feel

1728
01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:30,479
Speaker 2: like you really loved that person, you probably just loved

1729
01:13:30,520 --> 01:13:31,679
Speaker 2: certain traits that they had.

1730
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:33,919
Speaker 3: Those traits that he has.

1731
01:13:33,840 --> 01:13:36,320
Speaker 2: Are available in other men that will actually still make

1732
01:13:36,360 --> 01:13:39,120
Speaker 2: your vision come true. And hopefully the new person will

1733
01:13:39,120 --> 01:13:41,720
Speaker 2: not have the traits that cause the relationship to break down.

1734
01:13:42,040 --> 01:13:43,680
Speaker 2: So remember it's not about the person. This is the

1735
01:13:43,680 --> 01:13:46,880
Speaker 2: way people get stuck in heartbreak. They think that their life, happiness,

1736
01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:49,080
Speaker 2: and the relationship and their end goal in life is

1737
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:51,520
Speaker 2: in the hands of that particular person in that relationship.

1738
01:13:51,840 --> 01:13:54,320
Speaker 2: That end goal is something that they can still attain

1739
01:13:54,360 --> 01:13:56,960
Speaker 2: and achieve by themselves if they just remember that, they

1740
01:13:56,960 --> 01:13:58,599
Speaker 2: can still achieve it with somebody else, or they can

1741
01:13:58,640 --> 01:14:01,280
Speaker 2: achieve it by themselves, they can achieve through friends. That

1742
01:14:01,400 --> 01:14:03,960
Speaker 2: goal is more important than the person, and your vision

1743
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,680
Speaker 2: is far more important than the relationship. So as long

1744
01:14:05,720 --> 01:14:07,559
Speaker 2: as you keep your vision in mind and remember that

1745
01:14:07,560 --> 01:14:09,519
Speaker 2: there's other people that can help you attain that vision.

1746
01:14:09,840 --> 01:14:11,720
Speaker 2: You will let go of that ego that's attached to

1747
01:14:11,760 --> 01:14:14,360
Speaker 2: that particular person that that just broke your heart. And

1748
01:14:14,439 --> 01:14:16,439
Speaker 2: I know this sounds hard to do, but when you

1749
01:14:16,479 --> 01:14:18,559
Speaker 2: find out that somebody's hurt you and they've moved on

1750
01:14:18,640 --> 01:14:21,120
Speaker 2: and they've got a relationship, we can't be hurt and

1751
01:14:21,200 --> 01:14:23,320
Speaker 2: happy for somebody at the same time. If you want

1752
01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:25,360
Speaker 2: to remove your hurt for people, you almost have to

1753
01:14:25,400 --> 01:14:26,920
Speaker 2: try and be happy for them, even if they don't

1754
01:14:26,960 --> 01:14:29,280
Speaker 2: deserve it. You don't do it for them, You do

1755
01:14:29,320 --> 01:14:31,360
Speaker 2: it for your own sake. So you can suppress that

1756
01:14:31,360 --> 01:14:34,160
Speaker 2: feeling of her and just be like, he treated me terribly,

1757
01:14:34,200 --> 01:14:35,880
Speaker 2: But I would never want somebody else to go through that.

1758
01:14:36,160 --> 01:14:37,920
Speaker 2: So I hope he has a happy relationship. I hope

1759
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:39,920
Speaker 2: he treats her way better than he treated me, And

1760
01:14:39,920 --> 01:14:42,559
Speaker 2: then hopefully you'll attract that positive energy back into your

1761
01:14:42,600 --> 01:14:43,160
Speaker 2: own life.

1762
01:14:43,280 --> 01:14:45,960
Speaker 1: How do we get closure when the person doesn't give

1763
01:14:46,000 --> 01:14:46,559
Speaker 1: it to us.

1764
01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:49,000
Speaker 2: We can get it through their actions, not their words.

1765
01:14:49,320 --> 01:14:51,479
Speaker 2: So if for example, I really love this person and

1766
01:14:51,520 --> 01:14:53,160
Speaker 2: they just left me out of nowhere and they gave

1767
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:56,320
Speaker 2: me no explanation. Sometimes the closure is in their behavior.

1768
01:14:56,400 --> 01:14:58,200
Speaker 2: The fact that they could let me go and leave

1769
01:14:58,240 --> 01:15:00,720
Speaker 2: me hanging in that moment is all the closure I need.

1770
01:15:00,720 --> 01:15:03,200
Speaker 2: That maybe they didn't see me as important as I

1771
01:15:03,200 --> 01:15:05,680
Speaker 2: saw them, Maybe they found someone else, whatever it is,

1772
01:15:05,720 --> 01:15:07,880
Speaker 2: Their closure comes in their behavior, not just their words.

1773
01:15:07,880 --> 01:15:09,479
Speaker 2: Whatever they were going to say to you probably wasn't

1774
01:15:09,479 --> 01:15:11,599
Speaker 2: true anyway. They're probably just trying to make you feel

1775
01:15:11,600 --> 01:15:13,439
Speaker 2: better or trying to hide what the real reasons is.

1776
01:15:13,720 --> 01:15:15,760
Speaker 2: Their words are not so important, their actions are. And

1777
01:15:15,760 --> 01:15:18,000
Speaker 2: we can always find closure in people's actions.

1778
01:15:18,280 --> 01:15:22,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, and often their actions are so painful. Yes, take

1779
01:15:22,280 --> 01:15:25,479
Speaker 1: up a gear of a text. They don't want to talk.

1780
01:15:25,320 --> 01:15:27,639
Speaker 2: To you, And as hard as it is, it's usually

1781
01:15:27,640 --> 01:15:30,720
Speaker 2: our ego that seeks another conversation with them. If you

1782
01:15:30,760 --> 01:15:32,599
Speaker 2: really look at their behavior, your soul will know they're

1783
01:15:32,640 --> 01:15:35,200
Speaker 2: bad forew So try and pay attention to your soul

1784
01:15:35,280 --> 01:15:37,200
Speaker 2: knows if someone's good or bad for you. Our ego

1785
01:15:37,240 --> 01:15:39,080
Speaker 2: will just want the last word. They just want them

1786
01:15:39,080 --> 01:15:41,160
Speaker 2: to come calling back to us, so we can say, oh,

1787
01:15:41,240 --> 01:15:43,320
Speaker 2: we can reject them, or we can have our last word.

1788
01:15:43,520 --> 01:15:45,799
Speaker 2: But try and remember that that's just your ego speaking

1789
01:15:45,840 --> 01:15:48,000
Speaker 2: your soul knows that this proper person probably wasn't right

1790
01:15:48,040 --> 01:15:49,360
Speaker 2: for you. If they were right for you, wouldn't be

1791
01:15:49,400 --> 01:15:51,840
Speaker 2: suffering today. So try and let go of that need

1792
01:15:51,880 --> 01:15:54,519
Speaker 2: for validation and that need for conversation and replace it

1793
01:15:54,520 --> 01:15:55,519
Speaker 2: with their behavior.

1794
01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:56,360
Speaker 3: Spoke volumes.

1795
01:15:56,680 --> 01:15:59,200
Speaker 1: That difference between the soul and ego is so powerful.

1796
01:16:00,080 --> 01:16:03,320
Speaker 1: The hard part is most of us are living through

1797
01:16:03,360 --> 01:16:06,479
Speaker 1: our ego daily and not our soul. So to suddenly

1798
01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:10,120
Speaker 1: flip into salt living not ego living in a breakup,

1799
01:16:10,120 --> 01:16:11,080
Speaker 1: it's extremely hard.

1800
01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:13,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, because your ego is what looks right and your

1801
01:16:13,720 --> 01:16:15,880
Speaker 2: soul is what actually is right, and we always want

1802
01:16:15,880 --> 01:16:17,240
Speaker 2: to look right. We want to be the one that

1803
01:16:17,280 --> 01:16:18,800
Speaker 2: says I don't want to be with them, or we

1804
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:20,280
Speaker 2: want to be the one that broke up with them.

1805
01:16:20,680 --> 01:16:23,599
Speaker 2: But that's just a temporary high of being the one

1806
01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:25,160
Speaker 2: that had the final say or being the one that

1807
01:16:25,200 --> 01:16:27,760
Speaker 2: got to say this. These are temporary highs. The long

1808
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:30,960
Speaker 2: term high comes from not needing those conversations. It's almost

1809
01:16:30,960 --> 01:16:34,280
Speaker 2: like an emotional kind of neutrality towards that person, and

1810
01:16:34,320 --> 01:16:36,599
Speaker 2: the quicker you can get there, the quicker you actually heal,

1811
01:16:36,960 --> 01:16:39,360
Speaker 2: so the less you can pay attention to your ego,

1812
01:16:39,520 --> 01:16:40,920
Speaker 2: the closer you'll get to healing.

1813
01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:43,280
Speaker 1: Well, would you encourage people to think about that through

1814
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:44,400
Speaker 1: steps and stages?

1815
01:16:44,720 --> 01:16:47,160
Speaker 2: I think the ego When it comes to your soul

1816
01:16:47,200 --> 01:16:49,599
Speaker 2: and ego, the key difference is ego is what makes

1817
01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:52,320
Speaker 2: you look good in front of people. Soul is actually

1818
01:16:52,360 --> 01:16:54,160
Speaker 2: what makes you feel right. So it might make you

1819
01:16:54,200 --> 01:16:56,679
Speaker 2: look better or to him, if you start posting pictures

1820
01:16:56,680 --> 01:16:58,720
Speaker 2: of you with another man or showing memes, it might

1821
01:16:58,760 --> 01:17:00,400
Speaker 2: make it, you know, get a stab at them, but

1822
01:17:00,439 --> 01:17:02,240
Speaker 2: do you actually feel any better when you do that.

1823
01:17:02,479 --> 01:17:04,400
Speaker 2: The ego might make you say, look, go move on

1824
01:17:04,520 --> 01:17:06,479
Speaker 2: to another guy, Go text your ex, go be with

1825
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:08,840
Speaker 2: another person, make him jealous, but your soul will No,

1826
01:17:08,880 --> 01:17:11,760
Speaker 2: it doesn't feel right. So the in and voice that

1827
01:17:11,840 --> 01:17:14,519
Speaker 2: you have like does this actually feel right? And how

1828
01:17:14,560 --> 01:17:17,080
Speaker 2: you can assess this? You ask yourself if I didn't

1829
01:17:17,080 --> 01:17:19,479
Speaker 2: meet this person, like say with my ex, I just

1830
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:21,160
Speaker 2: broke up with my husband and I was like, Okay,

1831
01:17:21,280 --> 01:17:23,680
Speaker 2: if I didn't meet this person, ever, would I be

1832
01:17:23,720 --> 01:17:26,280
Speaker 2: going on this date with this random guy or would

1833
01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:28,120
Speaker 2: I be actually sitting at home and watching TV with

1834
01:17:28,120 --> 01:17:30,640
Speaker 2: my friends. If the answer is I would still be

1835
01:17:30,640 --> 01:17:31,960
Speaker 2: going on the date with the guy. The chance that

1836
01:17:31,960 --> 01:17:33,639
Speaker 2: it's not your ego, You're probably just doing it because

1837
01:17:33,640 --> 01:17:35,000
Speaker 2: that's what you want to do. But if it's like

1838
01:17:35,080 --> 01:17:37,280
Speaker 2: I'm only going to the club because I know he's

1839
01:17:37,280 --> 01:17:38,519
Speaker 2: going to be there now I want to hurt him,

1840
01:17:38,560 --> 01:17:40,000
Speaker 2: or I'm only going to go text this other guy

1841
01:17:40,040 --> 01:17:42,120
Speaker 2: because i know it will hurt him. If you're allowing

1842
01:17:42,160 --> 01:17:44,400
Speaker 2: that person to dictate your feelings and what you do,

1843
01:17:44,760 --> 01:17:47,040
Speaker 2: then it's probably your ego speaking to yourself. Act like

1844
01:17:47,080 --> 01:17:49,040
Speaker 2: that person doesn't exist, and ask yourself, what do you

1845
01:17:49,080 --> 01:17:50,760
Speaker 2: want to do with yourself? And if the answer is

1846
01:17:50,760 --> 01:17:52,439
Speaker 2: I just want to heal, I just want to cry,

1847
01:17:52,479 --> 01:17:54,120
Speaker 2: I just want to feel good, like I want a

1848
01:17:54,120 --> 01:17:56,320
Speaker 2: couple of days to myself, then do that rather than

1849
01:17:56,360 --> 01:17:58,160
Speaker 2: just trying to play that game and seeing who looks

1850
01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:00,479
Speaker 2: better and trying to win, because there's no winner when

1851
01:18:00,520 --> 01:18:01,280
Speaker 2: you follow your ego.

1852
01:18:01,520 --> 01:18:03,160
Speaker 1: I was really happy that we started with the two

1853
01:18:03,400 --> 01:18:07,640
Speaker 1: core issues you go through with your clients, because I

1854
01:18:07,640 --> 01:18:10,559
Speaker 1: think they're even if it's not women cheating on men,

1855
01:18:10,800 --> 01:18:13,960
Speaker 1: it's mentioning on women, it's infidelity, and then this idea

1856
01:18:14,000 --> 01:18:16,639
Speaker 1: of commitment, which I think are two of the biggest

1857
01:18:16,680 --> 01:18:19,599
Speaker 1: things that everyone's struggling with and then at the same

1858
01:18:19,640 --> 01:18:23,040
Speaker 1: time talking about relationships at the top end of attracting

1859
01:18:23,040 --> 01:18:24,840
Speaker 1: the three a's the three l's, it's a.

1860
01:18:24,760 --> 01:18:26,840
Speaker 2: Bit a paradox that the women that want commitment and

1861
01:18:26,880 --> 01:18:29,200
Speaker 2: the men that are committed they're not finding each other.

1862
01:18:29,560 --> 01:18:31,519
Speaker 2: There's the men that are getting treated badly in relationships

1863
01:18:31,560 --> 01:18:33,080
Speaker 2: and the women that are getting treated badly, and they

1864
01:18:33,080 --> 01:18:35,600
Speaker 2: seem to not seem to be attracting each other unfortunately,

1865
01:18:35,600 --> 01:18:38,439
Speaker 2: which is a shame, because I think there's something about

1866
01:18:38,479 --> 01:18:41,240
Speaker 2: being too nice as a person, both women and men.

1867
01:18:41,280 --> 01:18:43,519
Speaker 2: They don't attract each other because I don't feel useful

1868
01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:46,040
Speaker 2: when we're with somebody else who's equally as nice as them.

1869
01:18:46,080 --> 01:18:48,360
Speaker 2: They almost feel better when they're with somebody a bit

1870
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:50,920
Speaker 2: tougher and stronger, so they can, you know, feel like

1871
01:18:50,960 --> 01:18:53,240
Speaker 2: the nice person in that relationship. If they simply meet

1872
01:18:53,280 --> 01:18:55,720
Speaker 2: each other, it would be a great resolution to this

1873
01:18:55,760 --> 01:18:58,120
Speaker 2: problem that we're facing and modern dating at the moment.

1874
01:18:58,320 --> 01:19:00,519
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the big part of it is also

1875
01:19:01,920 --> 01:19:07,120
Speaker 1: healing and retraining our own desires, because not everything you

1876
01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:10,320
Speaker 1: want is good for you, and sadly, the things that

1877
01:19:10,320 --> 01:19:12,680
Speaker 1: are good for you don't want them, I know, and

1878
01:19:12,760 --> 01:19:16,120
Speaker 1: so the sad part is you're attracted to the things

1879
01:19:16,120 --> 01:19:17,160
Speaker 1: that are bad for you.

1880
01:19:17,920 --> 01:19:20,400
Speaker 2: Just like with food, just like with everything in life. Unfortunately,

1881
01:19:20,400 --> 01:19:22,240
Speaker 2: we were attracted to things without a bad few. But

1882
01:19:22,280 --> 01:19:25,280
Speaker 2: the moment you heal your self esteem, what happened is

1883
01:19:25,320 --> 01:19:27,639
Speaker 2: you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad

1884
01:19:27,640 --> 01:19:29,720
Speaker 2: for you, people who don't love you, people who don't

1885
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:31,840
Speaker 2: treat you right. How you know your self esteeming is

1886
01:19:31,880 --> 01:19:34,559
Speaker 2: improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly,

1887
01:19:34,840 --> 01:19:37,559
Speaker 2: you lose attraction to them. And the moment people treat

1888
01:19:37,600 --> 01:19:40,680
Speaker 2: you well, you increase your attraction to them, And that

1889
01:19:40,840 --> 01:19:42,800
Speaker 2: is a real signal. And I know sometimes you can

1890
01:19:42,800 --> 01:19:44,519
Speaker 2: get love bombed and the person is just so so

1891
01:19:44,640 --> 01:19:46,360
Speaker 2: nice to you, and then you're attracted to that. But

1892
01:19:46,439 --> 01:19:49,719
Speaker 2: it's that steady, healthy pace of people treating you nicely

1893
01:19:49,840 --> 01:19:51,960
Speaker 2: that you are attracted to, which you'll help heal your

1894
01:19:51,960 --> 01:19:52,679
Speaker 2: self esteem.

1895
01:19:52,840 --> 01:19:56,599
Speaker 1: Sadia, You've been amazing. We end every On Purpose episode

1896
01:19:56,840 --> 01:19:59,240
Speaker 1: with a final five. These have to be answered in

1897
01:19:59,280 --> 01:20:03,400
Speaker 1: one word, one sentence, so Sady, you can't. These are

1898
01:20:03,439 --> 01:20:06,680
Speaker 1: your final five. Question number one, what is the best

1899
01:20:07,080 --> 01:20:09,519
Speaker 1: relationship advice you've ever heard or received?

1900
01:20:09,760 --> 01:20:11,120
Speaker 3: Pick piece over pleasure?

1901
01:20:11,560 --> 01:20:13,720
Speaker 2: Always to somebody who will give you more peace than

1902
01:20:13,800 --> 01:20:16,160
Speaker 2: pleasure if you want a long lasting relationship.

1903
01:20:16,280 --> 01:20:19,240
Speaker 1: Question number two, what is the worst relationship advice you've

1904
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:20,160
Speaker 1: ever heard or received?

1905
01:20:20,439 --> 01:20:22,720
Speaker 2: You are somebody's dream girl, or don't set up a

1906
01:20:22,800 --> 01:20:25,080
Speaker 2: less I think anything that inflates your vision of what

1907
01:20:25,080 --> 01:20:27,400
Speaker 2: a relationship looks like is going to make it difficult

1908
01:20:27,439 --> 01:20:28,679
Speaker 2: for you to find the right person.

1909
01:20:29,640 --> 01:20:33,799
Speaker 1: Great answer. Question number three. What's something that you think

1910
01:20:34,560 --> 01:20:37,920
Speaker 1: everyone believes to be true about love but it's actually

1911
01:20:37,960 --> 01:20:38,360
Speaker 1: not true?

1912
01:20:38,400 --> 01:20:40,519
Speaker 2: It should be unconditional. I don't believe that it should

1913
01:20:40,520 --> 01:20:43,400
Speaker 2: be true. You definitely need conditions for your love, otherwise

1914
01:20:43,439 --> 01:20:45,960
Speaker 2: you will attract people who abuse your kindness.

1915
01:20:46,320 --> 01:20:52,280
Speaker 1: That's a great answer. Question number four, what is something

1916
01:20:52,360 --> 01:20:55,840
Speaker 1: you used to believe was true about love but recently

1917
01:20:55,920 --> 01:20:58,000
Speaker 1: you've disconnected with that.

1918
01:20:58,680 --> 01:21:01,840
Speaker 2: Just being with somebody who just loves you so so

1919
01:21:02,000 --> 01:21:05,320
Speaker 2: much is all you need when really, without you being

1920
01:21:05,320 --> 01:21:07,760
Speaker 2: attracted to that person, it will feel like neediness.

1921
01:21:08,080 --> 01:21:11,400
Speaker 1: Fift and final question. If you could create one law

1922
01:21:11,920 --> 01:21:14,320
Speaker 1: that everyone in the world had to follow, what would

1923
01:21:14,320 --> 01:21:14,559
Speaker 1: it be?

1924
01:21:15,280 --> 01:21:17,280
Speaker 2: You treat people behind their back as you do in

1925
01:21:17,280 --> 01:21:19,360
Speaker 2: front of them, So how you behave behind people's back

1926
01:21:19,439 --> 01:21:21,200
Speaker 2: is exactly how you are in front of their face.

1927
01:21:21,600 --> 01:21:24,080
Speaker 2: And if you want to practice that in your relationships,

1928
01:21:24,160 --> 01:21:26,479
Speaker 2: what happens is you don't need your partner to regulate

1929
01:21:26,520 --> 01:21:28,120
Speaker 2: you in any way, shape or form. You act like

1930
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:30,519
Speaker 2: the same person with or without their monitoring. And if

1931
01:21:30,520 --> 01:21:32,080
Speaker 2: you do that in life, I think you'll probably have

1932
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Speaker 2: more authentic relationships.

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Speaker 1: So you can't thank you so much.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: This is, without a doubt, my favorite relationship episode we've

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Speaker 1: ever done. I don't believe I honestly have never gone

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Speaker 1: that deep into the nuances of why and who and

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Speaker 1: where and just I love the way you think about it.

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Speaker 1: I really really appreciate it. And I want everyone whos

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Speaker 1: listen and watching to tag me in Sadia on Instagram,

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Speaker 1: on TikTok with the moments that resonated with you, that

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Speaker 1: connected with you, that things you're going to stop doing

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Speaker 1: from now on, things you're going to start doing, signs

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Speaker 1: you're watching out for, because I want to see what

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Speaker 1: you're putting into practice. If you don't follow Saudia across

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Speaker 1: social media already, make sure you go and subscribe. I

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Speaker 1: hope that it saves you from wasting time, money, and

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Speaker 1: energy on the wrong person. And I really really hope

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Speaker 1: that it helps you connect with true, meaningful, lasting love. Sadia,

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to you again.

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Speaker 2: You have no idea how much you have honored me today.

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Speaker 2: So thank you so so much for your time. I

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Speaker 2: cannot believe I get to speak to you.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with

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Speaker 1: Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to

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Speaker 1: heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

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Speaker 1: Everything in nature goes only where it's vulnerable. So treee

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Speaker 1: doesn't go over it's harden taked as that it goes

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Speaker 1: with it, soft and green and vulnerable.