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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, and formerly, welcome back to

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Speaker 1: this little mini series I'm doing this week focusing on

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Speaker 1: how we can create our dream life in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: where I'm going to be kind of combining all the

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Speaker 1: best advice, the psychology, the evidence, personal philosophy, and more

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Speaker 1: from across all these different dimensions in our twenties that

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Speaker 1: I think cause us a lot of strife, so things

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Speaker 1: like our careers, our finances, love, friendships, the future, and

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Speaker 1: of course our personal growth. So this is part two

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Speaker 1: of this week's series where we're going to be talking

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Speaker 1: about love, dating, friendship, and also focusing on some of

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Speaker 1: that deeper emotional and psychological work that I think we

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Speaker 1: need to undertake in this decade. If you haven't listened

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Speaker 1: to part one, please go and listen to that episode

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Speaker 1: where we kind of cover more tips around managing career anxiety,

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Speaker 1: feeling stuck taking risks, and we talk about money as well.

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Speaker 1: But also you can listen to this episode completely on

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Speaker 1: its own if the questions you're facing your dilemmas are

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Speaker 1: more to do with kind of your interpersonal relationships and

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Speaker 1: some of that deeper emotional content about twenties that this

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Speaker 1: decade really brings to the surface. I think the concerns

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Speaker 1: we have around our future and even our present as well,

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Speaker 1: do fall into these different categories. We worry about being

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Speaker 1: happy in our jobs, not tying ourselves down to some

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Speaker 1: stagnant nine to five, getting the most out of these

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Speaker 1: formative years. But then on a deeper level, we have

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Speaker 1: a lot of questions around building meaningful relationships. You know,

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Speaker 1: how many friends do we actually need? Are we settling

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Speaker 1: down too quickly? Should we be dating more, dating less?

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Speaker 1: What is the right way to do this time? What

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Speaker 1: is the right way to make the most out of

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Speaker 1: this decade. I think the reason we worry so much

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Speaker 1: about love and relationships in particular, just on like a

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Speaker 1: universal human level is well, A, they are incredibly significant

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Speaker 1: and impactful, and I think B we don't want to

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Speaker 1: live with regret that maybe we fell in love too

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Speaker 1: soon or too late. Or with the wrong person. As humans,

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Speaker 1: regret is a really powerful motivator because it is one

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Speaker 1: of the only emotional experiences that we can't fix. What's

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Speaker 1: in the past is in the past, and our recognition,

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Speaker 1: I think of that permanency of all of those decisions

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Speaker 1: really bleeds into the present, and it causes us to

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Speaker 1: be very overwhelmed by the many avenues and choices that

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Speaker 1: are presented to us, because we don't want to choose

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Speaker 1: wrong and then potentially close an important door, especially during

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Speaker 1: this period where we feel like endless doors are open

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Speaker 1: to us, that we're still in this kind of free

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Speaker 1: flowing state of being able to make choices and mistakes.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about that a little bit more.

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Speaker 1: But I think additionally, one of the other reasons a

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Speaker 1: lot of us are looking for answers or an answer

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Speaker 1: to some of these questions is because we have been

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Speaker 1: sold a very glamorous idea that there is a correct

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Speaker 1: way to live your twenties and also an incorrect way.

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Speaker 1: You know, shows like Sex in the City and Friends. Honestly,

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Speaker 1: any movie or TV show focused on people in their

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Speaker 1: twenties living in New York is such a major culpriate

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Speaker 1: the media really delivers very targeted and effective cues that

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Speaker 1: sell a fantasy of what this decade should look like,

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Speaker 1: one of young love and chaos and partying, millions of friends,

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Speaker 1: high paying jobs where no one really ever actually works.

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Speaker 1: And I think, firstly, that's not everyone's idea of happiness.

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Speaker 1: Like we discussed in Part one, everyone is going to

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Speaker 1: have a different conception of what is going to bring

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Speaker 1: them fulfillment in this decade. But secondly, this glamorous depiction

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Speaker 1: of what we should be doing is not really it's

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Speaker 1: not reality, and yet that is really our only reference

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Speaker 1: point for a lot of us. And you can feel

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Speaker 1: like if you're not meeting this image, that your life

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Speaker 1: is off track, or that you're missing out, or that

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Speaker 1: somehow you're going about this wrong and you're going to

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Speaker 1: really be haunted later in life that you didn't take

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Speaker 1: more risks or you didn't live this romantic, gol glamorous

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Speaker 1: twenty something fantasy. So I think we really need to

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Speaker 1: let go of these narrow ideas of what we thought

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Speaker 1: our life was going to look like, based on fiction

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Speaker 1: or based on expectations, And when we give ourselves that freedom,

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Speaker 1: I think our lives really turn out better than what

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Speaker 1: we had in mind, not because it's any easier, but

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Speaker 1: because it's your experience. Those experiences and memories that you're

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Speaker 1: choosing to make, even if they're different from what everyone

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Speaker 1: is telling you to do, they get to be yours

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Speaker 1: and you get to make them special and romanticize the

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Speaker 1: things that maybe the media and those around you don't.

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Speaker 1: You know, our twenties are a lot more messy than

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Speaker 1: we've been told. Our problems are not neatly wrapped up

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Speaker 1: in some plot twist. By the end of the episode,

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Speaker 1: we feel our emotions so intensely. So I want to

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Speaker 1: do this episode as a bit of a reality check

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Speaker 1: for those of us who are maybe worried that we're

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Speaker 1: falling behind, we're missing out, because I promise it's not

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Speaker 1: just you feeling that way. Every single one of us

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Speaker 1: is feeling a little bit stuck in some aspect of

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Speaker 1: our lives. And anyone who is pretending that they haven't

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Speaker 1: all sorted out is either faking it till they make it,

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Speaker 1: which I appreciate, or it's in for a very rude

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Speaker 1: awakening because every single one of us is doing this

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Speaker 1: for the first time. We are all new to life

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Speaker 1: and with that every new year, every new situation we encounter,

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Speaker 1: and the stories we're going to create, they're going to

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Speaker 1: be different. There is no right way to live our

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Speaker 1: lives during this period, and you don't need to be

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Speaker 1: living someone else's storyline to be happy. On the other hand, though,

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Speaker 1: I do think that this decade promises a lot in

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Speaker 1: terms of freedom, in terms of opportunity and chaos and

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Speaker 1: fun and that emotional richness that we really need to

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Speaker 1: reach out and grab. We really have a duty to

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Speaker 1: give our future selves some good stories, but also some

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Speaker 1: important connections and some meaningful lessons as well. So a

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Speaker 1: big focus of our last episode was on regret, and

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Speaker 1: I think when we talk about love and relationships and friendships,

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of possibility for that, but we know

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Speaker 1: that we are more likely to regret the decisions that

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Speaker 1: we didn't make than the ones that we do. And

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Speaker 1: that's really the theme that is going to flow through

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Speaker 1: all of these tips. If in doubt, do it, especially

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Speaker 1: in your twenties, always fall in love as much as

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Speaker 1: you can say yes to everything, but also don't be

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Speaker 1: afraid to say goodbye. You know this is your time

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Speaker 1: to set yourself up for future success. Whilst also not

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Speaker 1: putting too much pressure on yourself. And I think when

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Speaker 1: we break that down and really focus on some of

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Speaker 1: those core properties that is going to allow us to

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Speaker 1: really create our dream life, it becomes a lot easier

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Speaker 1: to feel like we're allowed to have our own story

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Speaker 1: and feel like our mistakes are not going to be

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Speaker 1: life ending or cause us to live with regrets. So

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Speaker 1: let's talk about all of this what we need to

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Speaker 1: prioritize to quote unquote make the most out of this decade.

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Speaker 1: But also I would say some of the things that

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Speaker 1: we need to decenter that can be a later issue,

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Speaker 1: an issue for our thirties or our forties. We're going

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Speaker 1: to talk love, friendships, and of course personal growth, bringing

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Speaker 1: as much of the psychology and the evidence to the

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Speaker 1: table and some of the studies as well, because they

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Speaker 1: are so fascinating and boundless and just really really applicable.

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Speaker 1: So if you're facing some of those existential questions, if

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Speaker 1: you're worried that your formative years might be slipping by,

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Speaker 1: I promise we are all in it together. I'm here

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Speaker 1: with you, and hopefully I can give you some of

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Speaker 1: my hard earned advice to pull yourself out of that

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Speaker 1: rabbit hole and create your dream situation, create your dream

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Speaker 1: life in your twenties. So, without further ado, let's get

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Speaker 1: into it. The reason I think a lot of us

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Speaker 1: face this insecurity that we're doing our twenties wrong is

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Speaker 1: because we are sold something. We are given this example

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Speaker 1: of what this decade should look like that is full

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Speaker 1: of contradictions. You know, you need to have a million friends,

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Speaker 1: but also quality over quantity, and you know, young love

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Speaker 1: and childhood sweethearts, but also you need to get out there.

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Speaker 1: You need to have an abundant dating experience, don't sleep

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Speaker 1: with too many people, but you also need to have

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Speaker 1: all those wild sexual stories. You need to party hard

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Speaker 1: and do stupid things, but also make sure you're prioritizing

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Speaker 1: self care and taking care of your body. And so

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Speaker 1: we're stuck in this like dilemma where we're like, oh

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Speaker 1: my goodness, there are so many different options here. How

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Speaker 1: do I know that by choosing one, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to look back later and wish that I'd done more

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Speaker 1: of that other thing. Here's the secret that I've learned.

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Speaker 1: You can do all of that, but you can't do

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Speaker 1: it all at once. This decade is full of seasons.

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Speaker 1: And though your age might be linear, your experiences don't

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Speaker 1: need to be because, like we said in episode one,

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Speaker 1: you're not a passive agent in your life. If you're

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Speaker 1: unhappy with something at any stage, you can change that.

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Speaker 1: You get to make decisions for yourself at any point.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to start off by talking about friendships, because

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Speaker 1: I think that our friendships are incredibly, incredibly defining. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's this very famous theory that you are an amalgamation,

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Speaker 1: a mirror of the five people closest to you. You

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Speaker 1: reflect back their qualities and their values and their personalities.

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Speaker 1: And I have a really deep belief that it is

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Speaker 1: the people of your twenties that make your twenties, our

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Speaker 1: community and our friends. They are the first priority, I think,

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Speaker 1: and really the one that can make or break the

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Speaker 1: so called dream life in this decade. So let's start

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Speaker 1: off by talking about these unique relationships. Firstly, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to pretend that it's easy to make friends in

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Speaker 1: your adulthood. We all know it's super tough. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: a lot of us have found that people really stick

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Speaker 1: to their groups and what they know, sometimes at the

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Speaker 1: detriment of more fulfilling connection. I think every single one

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Speaker 1: of us sometimes struggles with this feeling that we don't

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Speaker 1: have enough friends, that we could have more friends. I

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Speaker 1: call it this thing, the rollercoaster of loneliness, and I

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Speaker 1: was talking to a friend about it the other day.

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Speaker 1: Every six months or three months, I'll get this like

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Speaker 1: deep despairing feeling that I am incredibly lonely and I

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Speaker 1: have no one in my life and I know that's

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Speaker 1: not true. It always lasts for about a week, and

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Speaker 1: then I come out of it the other side. And

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Speaker 1: as I've spoken more to my friends, I've realized that

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Speaker 1: this is really common. We go through these lulls and

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Speaker 1: these dips and these plateaus in which we feel like

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Speaker 1: we don't have enough people around us to bring us joy.

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Speaker 1: So I'm not going to sell you some secret formula,

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Speaker 1: because I know that it's very hard. Even when we

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Speaker 1: have an abundance of friends, it's hard to appreciate them.

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Speaker 1: But something I've found that has helped me truly cultivate

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Speaker 1: the best friendship group and friends I have ever had,

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Speaker 1: the people who genuinely elevate my life to the next level,

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Speaker 1: was to firstly treat everyone I met for the first

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Speaker 1: time like they were already my best friend, that I'd

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Speaker 1: known them my whole life. And secondly, to just say

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Speaker 1: yes to everything you know. Don't allow yourself to shut

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Speaker 1: off certain people just because you think you won't be

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Speaker 1: aligned or because you've become too comfortable. You know, you

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Speaker 1: have to socialize and live with an abundance mentality, especially

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Speaker 1: during this time when we have so much freedom. We

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Speaker 1: have so many years to develop these connections, and you

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Speaker 1: don't know how these relationships are going to turn out.

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Speaker 1: So I think you have to go to those parties

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Speaker 1: where you don't know anyone and really put yourself into

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Speaker 1: new situations. If someone asks if you want to grab

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Speaker 1: a drink, yeah you do, of course you do. If

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Speaker 1: someone wants you to help them move, yeah, sure, you

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Speaker 1: just got to talk to new people. And who cares

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Speaker 1: if they don't like you? Who cares if it doesn't

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Speaker 1: work out. I think it's a worse outcome to walk

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Speaker 1: past a missed connection, to maybe miss out on meeting

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Speaker 1: someone wonderful and life changing out of a fear of judgment.

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Speaker 1: Then you know, potentially face the reality that you just

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Speaker 1: weren't connected. I think it takes a while to find

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Speaker 1: good friends. That's something that I've learned they are rare.

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Speaker 1: It's not going to be an instantaneous connection with everyone,

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Speaker 1: So don't be afraid to go through some trial and

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Speaker 1: error to put yourself out there, to take a risk

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Speaker 1: and be bold, because people, I think, really respond to that.

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Speaker 1: People respond to others who are peer confident, who are

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Speaker 1: peer assertive, who express interest in them. It's this foundational

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Speaker 1: idea in psychology of reciprocity. What you give others, they

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Speaker 1: feel compelled to give you back. And I really think

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Speaker 1: that is the secret formula to discovering new relationships and

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Speaker 1: new connections during this decade. Treat everyone like they are

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Speaker 1: already your best friend, and this foundational idea of reciprocity,

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Speaker 1: give them what you want them to give you back.

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Speaker 1: Something else I think is important to learn during our

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Speaker 1: twenties is that sometimes we come across people who just

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Speaker 1: don't like us. And the thing is that someone else's

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Speaker 1: opinion of you is not your problem. It is really

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Speaker 1: none of your business. It's bothering them more than it

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Speaker 1: should ever bother you. Unless they've really proven that they

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Speaker 1: deserve to be in your life, unless they've proven that

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Speaker 1: they are a good friend. Their opinion is really none

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Speaker 1: of your business. It's not something that should be causing

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Speaker 1: you any stress. It's just someone's thoughts, and you have

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Speaker 1: your own thoughts and your own beliefs around your goodness

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Speaker 1: and your value in someone's life. I also think that

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Speaker 1: something that I have personally realized is that you can

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Speaker 1: never have too many friends, especially during this decade. So interestingly,

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Speaker 1: there was a recent study published in the journal Psychology

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Speaker 1: and Aging, and what it showed was that when it

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Speaker 1: comes to friendships, it's actually quantity over quality that matters

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Speaker 1: in your twenties and vice versa in your thirties. So

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Speaker 1: that pattern people who had more friends in their twenties

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Speaker 1: but better friends in their thirties, that was a massive

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Speaker 1: predictor of later psychological well being. And they actually tracked

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Speaker 1: participants for over thirty years, and what they found was

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Speaker 1: that people in their twenties who had more than ten

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Speaker 1: good friends were more likely to have better friends in

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Speaker 1: their thirties and be happier with how they had spent

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Speaker 1: that decade of their lives. So I don't want to

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Speaker 1: say this in terms of being of almost fear mongering

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Speaker 1: and being like, well, if you don't have that, you

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Speaker 1: know you're destined to be really lonely and sad. I

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Speaker 1: do not think that is the case. Of course, this

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Speaker 1: is an observational study. There's always nuance, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's equally important to make sure that we are also

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Speaker 1: nurturing those really quality relationships and those longer term friendships

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Speaker 1: as well. So that's tip number two. Make time for

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Speaker 1: old friends. We all know what it's like to outgrow

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Speaker 1: certain people from your past. That's natural, it's normal, it's

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Speaker 1: something you should be embracing to make room for other people.

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Speaker 1: But we really cannot overstate the value of a friend

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Speaker 1: who has known you for as long as you've kind

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Speaker 1: of known yourself, known your adult self. You know, these

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Speaker 1: are the people who have been beside you for multiple chapters.

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Speaker 1: They probably know you better than you know yourself self

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Speaker 1: at some point, and they know those really intimate things

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Speaker 1: that have happened in your past. They've probably carried you

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Speaker 1: through them. And I think the reason these relationships are

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Speaker 1: so important is because those shared memories create very deep

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Speaker 1: emotional bonds. But they're also a really key ingredient to

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Speaker 1: a long term sense of stability and emotional consistency. Finding

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Speaker 1: that balance between creating new friendships and trusting and relying

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Speaker 1: on the people that got you. There is one that

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Speaker 1: we really need to strike during this decade, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: that can be difficult. I know a lot of us

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00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,479
Speaker 1: live in new cities or new places. We move for college,

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Speaker 1: we move for jobs, we move for partners. I like,

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Speaker 1: look at my friendship group now, and the people that

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Speaker 1: have known me longest are like scattered across the world,

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Speaker 1: and it can be very easy to not maintain those

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Speaker 1: relationships and to let them fizzle. I'm telling you now

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Speaker 1: you will regret that that is the easy thing to do,

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Speaker 1: But in the long run, I think it's the wrong

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Speaker 1: thing to do, because these people are the ones who

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Speaker 1: have already been by your side for so long. So

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00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,440
Speaker 1: sending them the occasional text, organizing a little FaceTime call

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Speaker 1: that's like an hour out of your week, an hour

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Speaker 1: out of your month. But when you're older, when maybe

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Speaker 1: you're a little bit wiser, you're going to be really

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Speaker 1: grateful that you put in that time and that effort

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Speaker 1: when you could. And I also think you get that

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Speaker 1: beautiful opportunity to introduce your old friends and your new

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Speaker 1: friends and to see how you've changed, and to kind

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Speaker 1: of build that circle of community around yourself. A lot

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Speaker 1: of what creating our dream life in our twenties is

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Speaker 1: about is making decisions now that might feel like a

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00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,040
Speaker 1: little bit of extra effort, but in the long run

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Speaker 1: are an investment in a really beautiful future. And tip

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Speaker 1: number three, if you're looking for ways to have that

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Speaker 1: dream social circle, I know that that's a massive theme

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00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:07,119
Speaker 1: that people or a massive kind of goal that a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have during this decade, that dream group,

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Speaker 1: that big posse of friends. Tip number three is to

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Speaker 1: do it yourself. Be the instigator. Stop waiting for other

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Speaker 1: people to kind of come to you. Remember it's about agencies,

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00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,800
Speaker 1: so you should be creating those memories that you want

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Speaker 1: to make and invite people into them. You feel like

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Speaker 1: you know your friends maybe don't do enough wholesome activities,

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00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,600
Speaker 1: Well you should plan them. Or you want to do

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00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,480
Speaker 1: more traveling, invite people to come with you. You want

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Speaker 1: to see your friends more often, reach out. I think

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Speaker 1: the most the most beautiful kinds of people are the

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00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:50,320
Speaker 1: ones who create community for those around them, And it's

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Speaker 1: a really beautiful opportunity to be that person. Things like

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00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,199
Speaker 1: doing dinner nights once a week and inviting you know,

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Speaker 1: whoever wants to come. I sometimes do that out on Sundays.

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Speaker 1: I've been a bit busy recently, but earlier this year

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00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,560
Speaker 1: and at the end of last year, I got into

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Speaker 1: this habit of every Sunday I would make like a

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Speaker 1: massive Italian feed and I just kind of float the

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00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:16,119
Speaker 1: invite out there. I would invite someone new every time

341
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,239
Speaker 1: and be like, do you guys want to come over

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Speaker 1: and have dinner and we can play cards? And the

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00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,560
Speaker 1: amount of people that were like, Yeah, I want to

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Speaker 1: do that because there's someone there instigating that sense of

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00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,879
Speaker 1: community and that sense of connection for them. Things like

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Speaker 1: painting nights, themed parties, asking if people want to go

347
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,480
Speaker 1: and do a boxing class with you, going for a hike,

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Speaker 1: if you want to have that friendship circle, if you

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Speaker 1: want to have those memories. I think it's a really

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Speaker 1: important thing to realize that someone else isn't going to

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Speaker 1: do that for you, and you really have to be

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Speaker 1: the captain of your own journey and you know, the

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00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,320
Speaker 1: captain of your own ship, as corny as that sounds,

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00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,119
Speaker 1: and be the instigator. I get that a lot of

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00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 1: these tips have been about building community and acquiring new

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Speaker 1: friendships and developing old ones and really adding people to

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Speaker 1: that social circle. I think that is a key ingredient.

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Speaker 1: But also I want to know and for Tip four,

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Speaker 1: I think that we should not be afraid to let

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Speaker 1: go of people just out of nostalgia or loneliness because

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Speaker 1: we feel a sense of obligation or we're you know,

362
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 1: we're scared of being alone. Friendships in our twenties aren't

363
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Speaker 1: all about new beginnings. They're about endings as well, and

364
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,639
Speaker 1: I think one of the universal experiences we're going to

365
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Speaker 1: go through is that friendship breakup, that unique kind of staying,

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Speaker 1: of losing someone you never thought that would leave your life,

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00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,520
Speaker 1: you know, not like an ex partner or even a parent.

368
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,359
Speaker 1: We think of our friendships as a chosen family or

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00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,399
Speaker 1: a forever family. But I have a mantra that I

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Speaker 1: repeat to myself all the time, which is that friends

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Speaker 1: are a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Sometimes they're

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Speaker 1: there to guide you through a new period in your life.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes they're there to teach you a lesson or to

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Speaker 1: teach you something about yourself. And then sometimes we get

375
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,640
Speaker 1: lucky and they're there for the rest of our lives.

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Speaker 1: But I think that when we hold onto people out

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Speaker 1: of fear, that maybe we won't find someone better, And

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Speaker 1: I know that that's not the healthiest mentality to be like, Oh,

379
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,399
Speaker 1: is there someone better out there for me? But what

380
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,600
Speaker 1: I'm talking about is holding onto those stale relationships that

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00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,040
Speaker 1: really don't bring you joy anymore. I want us to

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00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,320
Speaker 1: think about this hypothetical that I think about a lot

383
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 1: when I feel guilt for doing that. Imagine still being

384
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,239
Speaker 1: friends with every single person that you've known since you

385
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,720
Speaker 1: were like four years old, making time for them every week,

386
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:49,879
Speaker 1: having a meaningful relationship. It would overwhelm us and we

387
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:54,919
Speaker 1: would eventually become a pretty terrible friend. So naturally, I

388
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 1: think we are going to be forced to let some

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00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 1: of those people go. In the nineteen nineties, actually this

390
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:05,119
Speaker 1: really well known psychologist called Robin Dunbar. He came to

391
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:10,280
Speaker 1: this conclusion that realistically, we can only cognitively and emotionally

392
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 1: handle a maximum of one hundred and fifty social relationships

393
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,120
Speaker 1: over the course of our lives, and that includes with friends,

394
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:24,400
Speaker 1: with family, with colleagues, with acquaintances, and really the golden

395
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:28,440
Speaker 1: number there is no more than ten really close friends.

396
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,280
Speaker 1: I think often our twenties are a time in which

397
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:35,480
Speaker 1: we are forced to shed some of those relationships that

398
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 1: might not be serving us during that moment. For people

399
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,840
Speaker 1: who might better suit our lives and our personalities and

400
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 1: our priorities, especially friends who you've not just grown apart from,

401
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,359
Speaker 1: but who might actually be not contributing to your life

402
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,439
Speaker 1: in a positive way. People who bring you down, people

403
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,120
Speaker 1: who aren't adopting the kind of lifestyle that you might

404
00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,400
Speaker 1: want to live. You know, you aren't who you were

405
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,400
Speaker 1: eighteen or even twenty one or later. And really understanding

406
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:10,520
Speaker 1: that compatibility is a hallmark of a good friendship, and

407
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,679
Speaker 1: that compatibility is going to change and wane. That is

408
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,200
Speaker 1: really important so that we don't feel like we need

409
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 1: to almost be greedy with the people in our lives

410
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:24,719
Speaker 1: and hold on to every single connection because we're nostalgic

411
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 1: or we're afraid of being alone in the future. All Right,

412
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Speaker 1: we're going to take a short break before we come

413
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:37,000
Speaker 1: back and tackle love and relationships, So stay tuned. We

414
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 1: will be back shortly right after this short break. Being

415
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,720
Speaker 1: in our twenties and dating feels like being in the trenches.

416
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,399
Speaker 1: You know, one part of us wants to like find

417
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,560
Speaker 1: someone really lovely and settle down, but then we're worried that,

418
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 1: you know, if we do it too soon, if we're

419
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:02,119
Speaker 1: too young, we're missing out and all these dating experiences

420
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 1: and all these fun stories that people seem to have,

421
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 1: So there really isn't like a right option. And sometimes

422
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,040
Speaker 1: we can feel like the decisions we're making, the choices

423
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 1: we're making, yeah, they feel great right now. But what

424
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 1: if we come to have a lot of remorse around

425
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,240
Speaker 1: our decisions or regret that maybe we should have done

426
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,440
Speaker 1: it differently, maybe we should have been more open or

427
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,240
Speaker 1: more closed off to some of those experiences. I think

428
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,160
Speaker 1: the reason we worry about love and we stress about

429
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,880
Speaker 1: whether we're doing it the quote unquote right way is

430
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,600
Speaker 1: because it is a big aspect of our development during

431
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,240
Speaker 1: this period. It's a really emotionally profound experience. It's what

432
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 1: we call in psychology, especially some of our first relationships,

433
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:51,360
Speaker 1: our first experience with love, we call it an emotional milestone.

434
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: So that is a psychologically significant experience that unlocks new skills,

435
00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:01,120
Speaker 1: new core memories, new behaviors, and in some way new

436
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,439
Speaker 1: facets of our personality. And I think young love is

437
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it's overhyped, but it is really romanticized

438
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 1: and glamorized because those relationships play a huge role in

439
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,159
Speaker 1: who we turn out to be in our twenties, and

440
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: there is no one way to do it correctly. But

441
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 1: I think what we want to avoid is three groups

442
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:26,240
Speaker 1: of people, the time wasters, the energy stiflers, and the

443
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,040
Speaker 1: shallow loves. There is no point being in a relationship

444
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 1: just for the sake of it with any of these

445
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 1: types of people during this decade, not for the experience,

446
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 1: not to feel like you're ticking off some box. These

447
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,479
Speaker 1: people will just detract from your life. You know, you

448
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,879
Speaker 1: don't get that time back, that time you spend investing

449
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 1: in people, and I think that they do bring important lessons,

450
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 1: but we could have learnt those lessons better by perhaps

451
00:26:55,119 --> 00:27:00,439
Speaker 1: choosing more wisely or choosing to be alone for life longer.

452
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:04,120
Speaker 1: And I think doing that and claiming that time back

453
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:08,160
Speaker 1: for yourself starts by really focusing inward and learning that

454
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,640
Speaker 1: our own company is better than the company of someone

455
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: who doesn't give us the love and the attention we deserve.

456
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: So my first tip for creating your dream life in

457
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,560
Speaker 1: your twenties centered around love is to learn to enjoy

458
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: doing things alone, learn and appreciate the value of solitude

459
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 1: and independence. This is perhaps one of the only times

460
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,800
Speaker 1: when you might have the chance to be completely alone,

461
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: to have the opportunity to solo travel, to move to

462
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,040
Speaker 1: a new city without knowing anyone, to not have the

463
00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 1: obligations of maybe a partner or kids or aging family members,

464
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 1: and to just be a little bit selfish with your time,

465
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: and to really enjoy and appreciate that solitude and those

466
00:27:55,960 --> 00:28:00,680
Speaker 1: periods of maybe even loneliness. Solitude is such an incredibly

467
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:05,240
Speaker 1: psychologically profound and sacred experience, but it's also something that

468
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 1: we have to choose to prioritize. It's very easy to

469
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:12,680
Speaker 1: surround ourselves with people, especially in our twenties, when all

470
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 1: of our friends are incredibly accessible, and we also have

471
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:20,600
Speaker 1: this fear of being alone because we have long stigmatized solitude.

472
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 1: It's been widely considered as an inconvenience, is something to avoid,

473
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,919
Speaker 1: a punishment. But when we choose to prioritize being in

474
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,840
Speaker 1: our own company, learning who we are when we're not

475
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,679
Speaker 1: surrounded by other people, it's incredibly empowering. So in this

476
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 1: study called Narratives of Solitude amazing research title, these research

477
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:44,280
Speaker 1: has found that when our loneliness I guess or when

478
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 1: time spent alone is self imposed, it actually improves things

479
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,160
Speaker 1: like introspection and improves self awareness and also the quality

480
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 1: of the relationships that we do have. So how do

481
00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 1: we integrate that. I think you need to spend at

482
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 1: least one day a month in your own company, doing

483
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 1: something without speaking to someone else, without needing someone else

484
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: to validate your existence or your experiences. And I think

485
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: that really helps us learn that our existence is not

486
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 1: dependent on someone else's acknowledgment of it. Our experiences are

487
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: significant without someone else's input. I also think learning to

488
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: be alone during our twenties is a really valuable skill

489
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: that will serve you later in life, when perhaps your

490
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 1: solitude is not self imposed. You will know that you

491
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 1: have these skills, the ability to enjoy your own company,

492
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 1: to actually really what's the word like just almost savor it,

493
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 1: to really savor the fact that you get time to

494
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:49,719
Speaker 1: just know yourself, to be yourself without the opinions, the judgment,

495
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 1: the validation of others. Also, I think not being afraid

496
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 1: to be alone also allows us to walk away from

497
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: things that don't serve us, not just in our twenties,

498
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: but you know, in later life as well. And here

499
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,680
Speaker 1: I'm talking specifically about relationships. So This leads me to

500
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 1: tip number two. If you've been in a relationship with

501
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 1: someone for less than two years and it feels stressful

502
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:20,440
Speaker 1: or toxic, or it takes too much time or energy

503
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:24,479
Speaker 1: from you, you need to leave. That relationship is not

504
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: going to get any better, and this decade is not

505
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: the time to be making deeply emotional mental sacrifices for

506
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 1: someone else. That time will come. That time will come

507
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 1: later when you're married to someone, when it's been twenty

508
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 1: or thirty years, and maybe that goes for every decade

509
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: as well. To not be with someone who is requiring

510
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 1: you to sacrifice your own identity and your own I

511
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 1: think time and energy that you would like to devote

512
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 1: to yourself love should only seek to enhance your life,

513
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 1: and if you are fighting for this relationship to live on,

514
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:07,479
Speaker 1: especially during these younger years, all of that effort is

515
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 1: being taken away from your own development and your own

516
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,239
Speaker 1: time to put into your dream life. I think we

517
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 1: often want to cling onto these relationships even when they're

518
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 1: not working, out of that fear that we won't have

519
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 1: value if we don't have a partner. And we talked

520
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 1: about this in the Stigma of Being Single episode. This

521
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 1: patriarchal historical influence that continuously reinforces that if we are

522
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 1: not dating, if we don't have someone in our lives,

523
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,800
Speaker 1: if we're not looking for someone, somehow there's something about

524
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: us that's deficient, or something about us that's shameful or wrong,

525
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,400
Speaker 1: that maybe we can't attract love, or that we are

526
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 1: doing things in a way that is counter to what

527
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:50,000
Speaker 1: our culture and our society expects us to do, which

528
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:54,760
Speaker 1: is to prioritize romance and love above all else. But

529
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:58,440
Speaker 1: they should not be constraining you, especially in what should

530
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 1: be a selfish period of your life. It's also important

531
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 1: to remember that the relationships you have at this stage

532
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 1: will influence how you form connection later on, so it's

533
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 1: probably worth being a little bit picky. They've conducted recent

534
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 1: studies on this that has demonstrated how our very early

535
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:24,680
Speaker 1: romantic experiences, our interactions, our relationships, might be just as

536
00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 1: impactful for our attachment style as the ones we developed

537
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: with our parents in childhood. I'm going to really reinforce

538
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:37,200
Speaker 1: that we often think in psychology that how our attachment

539
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,560
Speaker 1: style is formed is mainly due to things like temperament,

540
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:44,480
Speaker 1: but also parental influence. So if your parents were neglectful

541
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,080
Speaker 1: or really inconsistent with how they showed you unconditional love.

542
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 1: That's going to influence how you connect and attached to

543
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:54,880
Speaker 1: people in the future. But what some of these studies

544
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:57,600
Speaker 1: are showing us is that it is not just those

545
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:03,240
Speaker 1: early childhood experiences, but those early twenty something experiences as well.

546
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 1: So it's better to be alone that in a situation

547
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 1: that doesn't serve you, because that doesn't just impact your

548
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,960
Speaker 1: present enjoyment of your life, but your future ability to

549
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:18,600
Speaker 1: actually form those intimate, vulnerable connections. It's a real privilege

550
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 1: to learn who you are beyond someone else's identity or

551
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 1: attachment to you, and some people don't get that. So

552
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: I would say, if it's not the right person, don't settle.

553
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,320
Speaker 1: I would much rather be single till I was forty

554
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: than settle now and find myself questioning my worth, my decisions,

555
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 1: feeling lost and disconnected later on in life. This leads

556
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 1: to my next tip, which is to stay single as

557
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 1: long as possible, and I think that's a combination of

558
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 1: the above two tips. The reason I say this is

559
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,800
Speaker 1: because I really truly believe that our twenties are our

560
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: decade for us to use to know ourselves better. This

561
00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 1: is the time before you have responsibility and obligations to

562
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: fully engage in that self discovery. That introspection and the

563
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 1: wrong relationship, as we discussed above, can interrupt that. So

564
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,880
Speaker 1: you need to spend more time falling in love with

565
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 1: yourself then falling in love with people who bring you down,

566
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 1: who make you question your work, or who kind of

567
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,439
Speaker 1: suck everything out of you. We also have to face

568
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,680
Speaker 1: the reality that your time is limited and it really

569
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:31,080
Speaker 1: needs to be divided between numerous priorities and obligations. You

570
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 1: have twenty four hours in the day. You've got to

571
00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:37,000
Speaker 1: spend some of that, you know, doing your basic needs, eating, sleeping,

572
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 1: working and taking care of your body, spending time with friends,

573
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,840
Speaker 1: calling family, working on your projects. All those things should

574
00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,719
Speaker 1: come first, and then you should have time for your

575
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:50,480
Speaker 1: relationship if that's something that you choose to do. But

576
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,920
Speaker 1: that time is still limited. So when you decide to

577
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,360
Speaker 1: invest time in someone, what is that taking away from

578
00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:00,439
Speaker 1: and is that a sacrifice you're willing to to make

579
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,200
Speaker 1: at this point in your life? And the best relationships,

580
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:06,480
Speaker 1: they truly do, occur when you have a good understanding

581
00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:12,560
Speaker 1: of your wants, your needs, yourself, your values. That's incredibly attractive.

582
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:15,680
Speaker 1: That is what attracts good people into your life, the

583
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:19,400
Speaker 1: ones that you want to stay. Is that confidence and

584
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,799
Speaker 1: that self awareness. And I think when we're desperate, when

585
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 1: we don't have a clear sense of who we are

586
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 1: without other people, we really see relationships or a partner

587
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 1: as just a box to tick to prevent feelings of

588
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:36,960
Speaker 1: loneliness or feelings of inadequacy. And I never think that

589
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,279
Speaker 1: we should be in a relationship in our twenties or

590
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:44,640
Speaker 1: at any age for those reasons. Finally, my last tip

591
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:51,560
Speaker 1: is to embrace heartbreak and fall in love hard. Now

592
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,840
Speaker 1: that might sound counterintuitive based on what I've previously said,

593
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:57,719
Speaker 1: but remember we're thinking about choosing the right people here.

594
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: And I also think that we shouldn't be soared of

595
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 1: loving deeply and having our heart broken. Heartbreak creates very

596
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:07,960
Speaker 1: real physical pain. We know that. We've seen that in

597
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 1: MRI studies looking at how how pain receptors are activated

598
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: by emotional pain just as much as physical pain. So

599
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 1: as humans, I think we instinctually want to avoid that.

600
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 1: We want to avoid deep, vulnerable connections because it's innate

601
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 1: to kind of some of our survival instincts, especially if

602
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,799
Speaker 1: we've been hurt in the past. But I think the

603
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:34,280
Speaker 1: depth of emotions created by getting your heart tremendously irreparably

604
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:37,680
Speaker 1: broken is an experience that is such a blessing and

605
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,200
Speaker 1: that we all need to have in our twenties because

606
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:44,319
Speaker 1: it pushes you to a place of such depth, of

607
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:48,319
Speaker 1: such knowing. It gives you empathy, It makes you more

608
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:51,319
Speaker 1: in touch with yourself, it makes you more creative, and

609
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:54,319
Speaker 1: that time in which everything seems chaotic, in which your

610
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:58,759
Speaker 1: heart is literally aching, really gives you the moment to

611
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,040
Speaker 1: figure out who you are and what you want your

612
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:05,800
Speaker 1: future to look like. Some people scare us out of

613
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:11,480
Speaker 1: loving heart. They make us feel embarrassed or ashamed for

614
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 1: being really, really open with how we're feeling and choosing

615
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 1: to really dive in deeply into those vulnerable, loving moments.

616
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,720
Speaker 1: But I think a set an example. Don't shut yourself

617
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 1: down because of someone else's inability to feel deeply because

618
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,360
Speaker 1: of their emotional unavailability. Don't let them kind of callous

619
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,360
Speaker 1: your heart and make you feel like you are not

620
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:37,799
Speaker 1: a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and that is not

621
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing, because it is that makes you such

622
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,239
Speaker 1: a beautiful person. And I think each heartbreak in our

623
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,719
Speaker 1: lives has this opportunity and has this unique ability to

624
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,239
Speaker 1: teach us something really valuable. I think it is so

625
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,919
Speaker 1: sacred in a way. I wouldn't really have the life

626
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,760
Speaker 1: I have now without my heartbreak. So I'm so grateful

627
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:04,600
Speaker 1: to those people in hindsight for not only letting me

628
00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:08,320
Speaker 1: feel the full spectrum of human emotion to feel human,

629
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,799
Speaker 1: but also giving me the encouragement to be better and

630
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: to wait for the person who would reciprocate my love,

631
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:20,399
Speaker 1: and to not let myself be kind of hollowed out

632
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:24,000
Speaker 1: by her. You need to, I think, just push and

633
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 1: rush and fall in love as much as possible, and

634
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,879
Speaker 1: let your heart be broken and let it be raw,

635
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,640
Speaker 1: and let it be open to those experiences, because that's

636
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:39,520
Speaker 1: what makes life so spectacular, is having that connection with

637
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:43,520
Speaker 1: this broad depth of human emotion. So finally, I want

638
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:47,880
Speaker 1: to finish with my seven tips for personal growth that

639
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,800
Speaker 1: help us create our dream life in our twenties. Seven

640
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 1: things that I think we all need to work on

641
00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: or focus on during this decade to get the most

642
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,959
Speaker 1: out of this experience. Firstly, let go of your ego.

643
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 1: So ego is this Freudian concept. It's our sense of self,

644
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:08,799
Speaker 1: it's our sense of responsibility to our self to do

645
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:10,600
Speaker 1: what's best for us, And it's the way that we

646
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 1: interpret situations. When that is not kept in check, that

647
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 1: can really cut us off from certain experiences because ego

648
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,719
Speaker 1: operates in two ways. One way is telling us that

649
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 1: we're not deserving of certain things, and the other way

650
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,359
Speaker 1: is telling us that we're too deserving. So I think

651
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:32,359
Speaker 1: where there is pride, there is missed opportunity. You are

652
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:36,359
Speaker 1: not too good or not good enough for any experience

653
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,359
Speaker 1: or any opportunity. And I think that when we let

654
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:41,560
Speaker 1: go of our ego, and when we see ourselves as

655
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:45,240
Speaker 1: a bit of a blank canvas, letting any experience become

656
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 1: part of the narrative, letting people into our lives, we

657
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:51,400
Speaker 1: get a lot more out of this decade. My second

658
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: tip that we think we all really need to do

659
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,560
Speaker 1: in our twenties is to unpack your childhood trauma and

660
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 1: your childhood emotional wound. We know that the experiences we

661
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:10,440
Speaker 1: have in childhood influence our adult perspectives and emotional approaches,

662
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 1: and that can have a lifelong impact and our twenties,

663
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: I think is when we first begin to recognize and

664
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 1: become cognizant of the ways that some of those early

665
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:25,360
Speaker 1: experiences are still causing pain and trouble for us later

666
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:28,240
Speaker 1: in life. So we have a duty to really address

667
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:32,680
Speaker 1: those whilst we still have that mental flexibility, whilst those

668
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:35,920
Speaker 1: memories are fresh. So some of the wounds, I think

669
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,920
Speaker 1: we need to examine our things, like the guilt wound.

670
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 1: What made you feel guilty as a child, The abandonment wound?

671
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 1: When were there times that you didn't feel loved and

672
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 1: how is that being reflected in your current approach to

673
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 1: connection into what you deserve from your life? Betrayal wound,

674
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,200
Speaker 1: How have you felt let down by people in your

675
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:59,560
Speaker 1: past and how is that influencing how you think people

676
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:02,400
Speaker 1: will let you down in the future. And finally, the

677
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:05,360
Speaker 1: neglect wound. What were you not given as a child

678
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:09,840
Speaker 1: that you still need? These things will impact us, and

679
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:14,080
Speaker 1: I think dealing with them now really engaging in some

680
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 1: of that introspection, that self growth, that self awareness is

681
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:22,719
Speaker 1: an important long term investment in our future and in

682
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:27,560
Speaker 1: our present moment as well. Thirdly, this one's about confidence.

683
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 1: You got to start faking it till you make it.

684
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,799
Speaker 1: You know it's something that I've learned recently that no

685
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 1: one can really tell the difference between when you're pretending

686
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,920
Speaker 1: that you're confident, when you're pretending that you feel amazing,

687
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,680
Speaker 1: and when you actually are. And I think that that

688
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: almost self gaslighting, that self lie that you tell yourself

689
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,440
Speaker 1: gives you the confidence that we're all after during this decade,

690
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 1: and it builds your self esteem. I think our twenties

691
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:57,840
Speaker 1: are not a time to be worrying about things like

692
00:41:57,880 --> 00:42:01,720
Speaker 1: our bodies, or worrying about things like what we're wearing

693
00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:04,799
Speaker 1: or what people think about us, or holding back from

694
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:07,920
Speaker 1: situations because we don't believe in ourselves. And when you

695
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 1: start to fake that level of confidence, when you start

696
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:15,520
Speaker 1: to feel brave and tell yourself that you're brave, your mind,

697
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,440
Speaker 1: especially your unconscious mind, really begins to believe it and

698
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:22,719
Speaker 1: it becomes a part of your reality rather than just

699
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 1: a fantasy or something that you're telling yourself. You know,

700
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 1: your mind actively monitors your behavior to determine your mood.

701
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 1: It's this thing called it's kind of like a version

702
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 1: of buyer feedback. So when you pretend to be confident,

703
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,719
Speaker 1: when you pretend to be happy, when you pretend to

704
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:45,480
Speaker 1: be I guess really self assured. That translates into a

705
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 1: real sense of that feeling. And I think this is

706
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: the time to really think of yourself as the shit.

707
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:56,000
Speaker 1: To do things not because you think they're going to

708
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,439
Speaker 1: impress other people, but because you want to do them.

709
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: To do things that are a little bit outrageous, and

710
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 1: go and make stories without worrying about judgment from other people.

711
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:09,840
Speaker 1: To practice self confidence, to bring it into your mindset

712
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,120
Speaker 1: and your approach to your life. Fourth, take care of

713
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 1: your body. You know, it's not a time to worry

714
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:19,680
Speaker 1: about looks, it's not a time for vanity, but it

715
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,000
Speaker 1: is a time to realize that your body is your

716
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 1: forever home and it's not going to go anywhere without you.

717
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 1: It is truly the only body that we have. And

718
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:32,280
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the regrets that people express

719
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: when they're older, and a lot of the things that

720
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,920
Speaker 1: people wish they had done is take better care of

721
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,200
Speaker 1: themselves when it was easier to do that. So I'm

722
00:43:40,239 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 1: not saying do like a full on seventy five hard transformation,

723
00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 1: but think about the small ways that you can treat

724
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:50,400
Speaker 1: your body with kindness and the small ways that you

725
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,480
Speaker 1: can thank it for getting you through every day, for

726
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:59,560
Speaker 1: being there with you, for carrying you through every single experience. Fifth,

727
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: this one, I feel like is super self explanatory. If

728
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:06,640
Speaker 1: you're in your twenties, I'm guessing you are, I think

729
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:09,520
Speaker 1: it's time to go to therapy. And I know that

730
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:12,759
Speaker 1: that is something that everyone says, but they say it

731
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: for a really good reason. And it links back to

732
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:19,360
Speaker 1: that earlier tip about you know, letting go of your ego,

733
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 1: understanding your childhood wounds. Doing that work now, to know yourself,

734
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: to know what triggers you, to know what things you're

735
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:33,480
Speaker 1: carrying with you that impact your behavior, is so so valuable,

736
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,840
Speaker 1: and it gives you an awareness that I think a

737
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:39,239
Speaker 1: lot of people don't have. And the way that that

738
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 1: shows up in our lives, and especially for the people

739
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,160
Speaker 1: who don't do this, is that they reach thirty or

740
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,759
Speaker 1: forty and it's only then that they really start to

741
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,879
Speaker 1: unpack why they feel the way they do. And it's

742
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:53,239
Speaker 1: not that by then it's too late, but it's that

743
00:44:53,280 --> 00:44:57,280
Speaker 1: by then they've missed a good ten, fifteen, twenty years

744
00:44:57,719 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: in which they maybe could have been more aware of

745
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:05,800
Speaker 1: what they were going through and could really shake hands

746
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 1: with who they are and really practice some of that

747
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:12,880
Speaker 1: self love and some of that self awareness that guides

748
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:16,360
Speaker 1: our decisions and allows us to make better decisions, allows

749
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:19,480
Speaker 1: us to just be happier people. My next tip is

750
00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:23,240
Speaker 1: to find a hobby or something that you love doing.

751
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:26,680
Speaker 1: I think when we transition into adulthood, as we are

752
00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:30,160
Speaker 1: doing in our twenties, a major experience we find is

753
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:33,440
Speaker 1: that a lot of our time becomes dominated by work,

754
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,880
Speaker 1: and it becomes very easy, I think, for us to

755
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: be very one dimensional creatures and one dimensional beings who

756
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: don't focus or prioritize on what actually makes us happy.

757
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:49,520
Speaker 1: Hobbies are amazing for giving yourself I guess, intricacy and

758
00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:54,279
Speaker 1: dimension to your person to also activating a bit of

759
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:58,440
Speaker 1: a flow state and bringing you enjoyment, activating different parts

760
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:01,120
Speaker 1: of your brain that you don't want to lose. You know,

761
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,400
Speaker 1: it's that saying of you know, you use it or

762
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 1: lose it. But we can also say that when you

763
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:10,319
Speaker 1: choose to activate your different neural pathways in different parts

764
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,880
Speaker 1: of your brain and even your body to create something,

765
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:17,040
Speaker 1: or do something, or to play, that is a really

766
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:20,000
Speaker 1: really valuable way of keeping our mind alive, keeping us

767
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:24,000
Speaker 1: interested in life, keeping us engaged in what's making us happy.

768
00:46:24,120 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: So finding a hobby that you love, you know it

769
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: might not be forever, but always having something on the

770
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:33,800
Speaker 1: side that makes you a multi dimensional person is super

771
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 1: super valuable for this decade. And my final tip to

772
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:43,520
Speaker 1: end this series is to be silly, is to have fun.

773
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:45,760
Speaker 1: And oh my goodness, I feel like such a primary

774
00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:47,960
Speaker 1: school teacher or like a I don't know, like a

775
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:50,600
Speaker 1: high school teacher here being like, what's our number one

776
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:54,439
Speaker 1: priority to have fun? But really, this is your time

777
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 1: to be completely joyful. We don't want to lose that

778
00:46:57,160 --> 00:47:02,120
Speaker 1: during what feels like a really tumultuous and overwhelming period. Play.

779
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: Engage in play, be silly, find ways to really activate

780
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:11,080
Speaker 1: that fun, loving part of you, to make mistakes, to

781
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:15,839
Speaker 1: laugh at yourself, to make funny stories that might be embarrassing,

782
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 1: they might be cringe, but what they really are is

783
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:23,960
Speaker 1: just beautiful, wonderful memories. So I think engaging in play

784
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:28,680
Speaker 1: doesn't just have really important psychological benefits, but it's so

785
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:31,719
Speaker 1: good for us emotionally. It's so good for us mentally.

786
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 1: It keeps us in the present moment as well, and

787
00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:39,400
Speaker 1: it keeps us searching for joy in our lives. I

788
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,160
Speaker 1: really hate that sometimes we feel like we have to

789
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:44,879
Speaker 1: grow up too quickly and make a lot of decisions,

790
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:48,440
Speaker 1: and suddenly we turn twenty five and we're adults. So

791
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: we turn twenty one and where adults and all of

792
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:56,960
Speaker 1: that childlike wonder disappears. But I'm hoping that if you're

793
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,680
Speaker 1: listening to this right now, you're not going to become

794
00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:01,839
Speaker 1: one of those people. You're someone who is going to

795
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:06,440
Speaker 1: prioritize being silly, keeping the adventure alive, keeping yourself in

796
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,839
Speaker 1: the present moment, and looking for joy. So that is

797
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 1: going to conclude this little mini series on how to

798
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:16,800
Speaker 1: create your dream life in your twenties. If you haven't

799
00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:19,279
Speaker 1: already listened to episode one, we talk a lot more

800
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:26,000
Speaker 1: in depth around Koreer finances, are taking risks, quitting your job,

801
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,839
Speaker 1: everything to kind of do with professional and financial development.

802
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:33,200
Speaker 1: And I know the series was only true parts, but

803
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:35,520
Speaker 1: in making it, I was like, there is so much

804
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,480
Speaker 1: more here that I could say, we could do like

805
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:44,080
Speaker 1: an entire component episode on how you treat yourself physically

806
00:48:44,280 --> 00:48:46,040
Speaker 1: and ways to take care of your mental health in

807
00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:48,880
Speaker 1: your twenties to create your dream life, But for now,

808
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 1: we're going to keep it to these five categories. And

809
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 1: I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode. I

810
00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:58,000
Speaker 1: am still someone in my twenties, so I'm not going

811
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:01,239
Speaker 1: to say this is expert advice, but fully is comforting

812
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 1: to know that a lot of people out there are

813
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:08,080
Speaker 1: having the same conundrums, dyn lemmas experiences that you are.

814
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:10,080
Speaker 1: We are all trying to figure it out, and we

815
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:13,040
Speaker 1: are going to make mistakes, but mistakes are just beautiful

816
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:16,400
Speaker 1: lessons and beautiful stories, and that's what this decade is

817
00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:19,360
Speaker 1: all about, not trying to do everything right, but trying

818
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,319
Speaker 1: to do everything with life and do everything with excitement

819
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:25,200
Speaker 1: and with energy. So I hope that message has come

820
00:49:25,239 --> 00:49:28,600
Speaker 1: through really strongly in this episode and the first episode

821
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:31,680
Speaker 1: we did on this series as well as always. If

822
00:49:31,719 --> 00:49:34,880
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, if you like the show, please

823
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 1: feel free to give it a five star review on

824
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:41,040
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. Share it

825
00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:42,920
Speaker 1: with a friend you never know who might need to

826
00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:45,880
Speaker 1: hear some of this advice. I don't know if it

827
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:49,120
Speaker 1: was good advice, but even if it's bad advice, maybe

828
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:51,600
Speaker 1: you can have a little discussion over where I went wrong.

829
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 1: Please feel free to inform me if that is the

830
00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:57,160
Speaker 1: case and get in contact at that Psychology podcast on

831
00:49:57,239 --> 00:50:00,600
Speaker 1: Instagram if you have an episode suggestion, if you just

832
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:03,040
Speaker 1: want to see behind the scenes or what's coming up,

833
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 1: or video content. I'd love to see the community grow

834
00:50:06,239 --> 00:50:09,120
Speaker 1: over there, and thank you so much for listening to

835
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:11,719
Speaker 1: this episode and to the first episode as well if

836
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:14,320
Speaker 1: you were there for that. We will be back next

837
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:16,960
Speaker 1: week with another episode, so see you then.