1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space. 12 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,559 Speaker 1: Asking ourselves why are we feeling this way? Like? Is 13 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:46,680 Speaker 1: it that we're connected through their art, you know? Is 14 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 1: it that they remind us of someone else in our 15 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: life and that's what's bringing up. 16 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 2: The emotion interesting? 17 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 1: Is it that it's making us think about our own 18 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: currents circumstances and that's bringing up the emotion. Or is 19 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 1: it that it's a reminder of a tragedy that we 20 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:17,280 Speaker 1: may have recently experienced. Welcome to her Space, a podcast 21 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:22,639 Speaker 1: dedicated to uplifting women like you. We're your hosts doctor 22 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: Dominique Broussard, a college professor and psychologist. 23 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 3: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker in a 24 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,400 Speaker 3: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please 25 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 3: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 26 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,680 Speaker 3: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where 27 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 3: black women can just. 28 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 2: Be Hey girl. 29 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 4: Hey, it's Terry here from the her Space podcast. Every Wednesday, 30 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 4: I release a Wisdom Wednesday mini episode that will give 31 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 4: you It's a quick boost you need to get you 32 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:06,400 Speaker 4: through hump day. Visit herspacepodcast dot com and click the 33 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:10,079 Speaker 4: Wisdom Wednesday with Terry link under start here to get 34 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 4: your weekly gems. 35 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 2: I hope to see you there. 36 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 1: I quote of the day. It's a long one, so 37 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: get ready for it. It's uncomfortable to raise the worst 38 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:25,640 Speaker 1: things someone has ever done when that someone dies and 39 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: when they are beloved. And I suppose it matters that 40 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,080 Speaker 1: I write this as someone who thinks that very very 41 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:38,080 Speaker 1: few of us are all good, are all bad, few 42 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:43,919 Speaker 1: of us are saintly, even fewer irredeemable. We can admire 43 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: aspects of a person's talent without erasing the ways in 44 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: which they also did irreparable damage. We can be horrified 45 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:58,200 Speaker 1: and angry by what someone did without writing them off 46 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:03,880 Speaker 1: as worthless without seeing them go away to jail, to 47 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: the grave and saying good riddance. We can we must 48 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: assess the ways in which the rich and famous are 49 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: able to exploit our admiration of their talents to pound 50 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 1: into the ground anyone who might threaten their fame and reputation. 51 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: How they so often bypass accountability and we just let 52 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: them because well, they're so talented or so attractive, or 53 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 1: their politics line up with ours, or they handle a 54 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:45,040 Speaker 1: ball so well. And that quote comes to us from 55 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: Jill Philipovitch. Now, lady, if you're listening at the time 56 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: that this episode is airing, then you know that this 57 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 1: quote is in reference to the loss of Kobe Bryant. 58 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 3: Now, the thing about well this episode today is we 59 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 3: had something else on the agenda, and after Dom and 60 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 3: I were chatting during dinner, it was just on our mind, 61 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 3: you know, and we were like, you know what, let's 62 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 3: dive into it because it's probably on your mind too. 63 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 3: You're probably having some complicated feelings come up, some mixed emotions, 64 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,400 Speaker 3: and we thought it'd be wise and just dive into 65 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 3: the conversation. Let's have a conversation about this because it's 66 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 3: on the minds of many people around the world, and 67 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 3: I think it's an important conversation that needs to be had, 68 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,720 Speaker 3: and so maybe we should just dive in first with like, 69 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,600 Speaker 3: where were you when you heard the news and kind 70 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,840 Speaker 3: of like what were your initial thoughts when you got 71 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 3: the news about Kobe Bryant's passing in addition to his 72 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 3: daughter and the other passengers that were on the helicopter. 73 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: So for me, I was having a relaxing Sunday, a chill, 74 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,839 Speaker 1: kind of lazy sunday that I hadn't had in a while, 75 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: and I got the news alert across my phone, like 76 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 1: the notification on my phone, and when I got it, 77 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:06,200 Speaker 1: my initial reaction was this can't be real. Something's not right. 78 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:10,479 Speaker 1: But I immediately, like a lot of us, opened up 79 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 1: my phone, went to Twitter. Twitter's my general go to, 80 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 1: and couldn't really find anything. Then I went to Google 81 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 1: and there's all kinds of other things coming up, like 82 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,560 Speaker 1: they were talking about Lebron passing cobing on the night 83 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:30,839 Speaker 1: before and Kobe's tweet to him and so that came up, 84 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: but nothing about his death. So I was like, all right, 85 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 1: it's not it's not real, you know. I text my 86 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,560 Speaker 1: best friend, and she's like, yeah, that's no, no, no, 87 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 1: let's I'm not seeing it anywhere. And so then my 88 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 1: next thought was, I'll just wait to see what other 89 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: reputable news outlets report if this is real. And I 90 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:56,240 Speaker 1: kept refreshing and kept refreshing, and I found myself caught 91 00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:00,720 Speaker 1: up in just trying to absorb the news, like see 92 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: what was going on and throughout the day. As I 93 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:08,520 Speaker 1: kept eventually I had to get up and like going 94 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:12,040 Speaker 1: about my day, run errands and things like that, but 95 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:17,680 Speaker 1: I kept coming back to like refreshing news, and as 96 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,760 Speaker 1: more information kept coming out, it just got harder to 97 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: take in. And I just I mean, and there were 98 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 1: moll there were a few times where I found myself crying. 99 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:33,360 Speaker 1: And the reality is that I was not a fan 100 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:38,720 Speaker 1: of Kobe, right. My initial thought was he's arrogant. I 101 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,800 Speaker 1: respect him as a ballplayer, but overall, like, I wasn't 102 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 1: a fan because I thought he was arrogant. But then 103 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: after his retirement and I saw how he was coaching 104 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,599 Speaker 1: his daughter's basketball team and becoming more involved in that 105 00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:59,679 Speaker 1: way and advocating for women in basketball, and I started 106 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 1: to softened up to him. But I think it was 107 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:08,359 Speaker 1: despite how my overall feelings for him were. It was 108 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:13,160 Speaker 1: still shocking, Like it's just so it was just really shocking. 109 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 2: What about for Ute, Well, I will say I'm not 110 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 2: a basketball fan. 111 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 3: I don't really follow sports like that, but I mean, 112 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 3: I think we all we've all know the greats, like 113 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 3: we all know the legends, and so obviously I'm familiar 114 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 3: with Kobe Bryant in that regard. But for me, I 115 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 3: was actually, you know, I've had this date on my 116 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 3: calendar for the longest, January twenty sixth, and I was 117 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 3: actually scheduled to do a documentary, to film a documentary 118 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 3: about failure and success, and so I was like really 119 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,440 Speaker 3: excited about the twenty six And I was actually on 120 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 3: my way to go get my makeup done and I 121 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 3: was heading down the house and my husband was like, 122 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, I just saw this thing, this news article, 123 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 3: and it said that Kobe Bryant died. And I was 124 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 3: like what, And I was just like it just it's 125 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 3: it was just like what, No, that can't be true. 126 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 3: So I started searching as well, and I had to 127 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 3: run out the door. So I'm like waiting for my lips. 128 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 2: So I get in the car and I'm just like searching. 129 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 3: Online, but again I only see one article from like 130 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 3: TMZ and it's like, you know, Kobe Bryant passed away. 131 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,080 Speaker 3: You know, he survived by his four daughters, is what 132 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,960 Speaker 3: I saw, and his wife, and so I was just like, 133 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 3: oh damn, that's so crazy, like kind of in shock. 134 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 3: And it just feels so unbelievable when you see, you know, 135 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 3: certain celebrities pass away because they're just I don't know, 136 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,440 Speaker 3: they're just always in our face and sometimes they kind 137 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 3: of feel and seem a bit invincible in a way. 138 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 3: You know. I remember exactly who I was when like 139 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 3: Michael Jackson passed away, or when a Leah passed away, 140 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 3: or when Nipsey Hustle passed away, and these were all 141 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,440 Speaker 3: moments that I just will remember forever. 142 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:35,560 Speaker 2: And I felt so connected. 143 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 3: I didn't know them personally, I never met them, but 144 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 3: like I just felt like I was so connected to 145 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 3: them and their their legacies, and so I was searching 146 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 3: for it. And as the case began to develop, I 147 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 3: heard about his daughter being on the helicopter in addition 148 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 3: to other friends and family, and it was just like, 149 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 3: oh my goodness. You know, like other families that were 150 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 3: on the helicopter as well, and it was just like, 151 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, this is so tragic, you know, just 152 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 3: taking his daughter to the game and having the kids 153 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 3: waiting for them there. 154 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,839 Speaker 2: It was just really sad. 155 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,840 Speaker 3: And so as I was getting my makeup done, I 156 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,280 Speaker 3: couldn't even really concentrate me and the makeup artists were 157 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 3: talking about it, and I was like text, you know, 158 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 3: texting people. People were texting me about it, seeing social 159 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 3: media posts, and you know, once I got my makeup finished, 160 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 3: I got in a lift to go back home, and 161 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:18,400 Speaker 3: the lifts like did you hear about it? And so 162 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,719 Speaker 3: we were talking on the way back home and he 163 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 3: was just really you know, it was just really somber, 164 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,559 Speaker 3: just a very heavy sort of energy. He had the 165 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 3: radio on and we were listening to Sports Center kind 166 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,719 Speaker 3: of talk about the things that were developing. 167 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,439 Speaker 2: And when I got home, I'm like. 168 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 3: Well, the thing about it is life still goes on, right, 169 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,440 Speaker 3: the world keeps spinning, and it's sad, but it's the 170 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,319 Speaker 3: reality of it. And so I in that moment, I 171 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,640 Speaker 3: had to get my mind right, like, Okay, I'm about 172 00:09:41,679 --> 00:09:44,600 Speaker 3: to be on camera. I have to talk about my life, 173 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 3: and you know, kind of be positive and be on 174 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,600 Speaker 3: and so I just did a quick meditation. I let 175 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:52,480 Speaker 3: some incense and you know, smudge my place to clear 176 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 3: my energy and kind of pray and meditate and get 177 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,440 Speaker 3: my mind right. And even the people that came to 178 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,520 Speaker 3: my house, the producers that came there, they were talking 179 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 3: about it too. 180 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,600 Speaker 2: It was just like, yeah, life is short. 181 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 3: So I think it was just really sad, and it's 182 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,559 Speaker 3: just a reminder that life is so precious. 183 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,079 Speaker 2: You just never know where your time is. 184 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 1: You know, you really don't, you really, none of us 185 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 1: truly do. But I want us to talk about something 186 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:22,360 Speaker 1: that is complicated. Right as I found myself on Twitter 187 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: that evening just kind of like just reading what people 188 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 1: are saying. The conversation that came up was about the 189 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:40,080 Speaker 1: rape case, and a lot of survivors saying, we should 190 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: also be calling attention to and not forgetting that he 191 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,840 Speaker 1: raped someone, and we need to be mindful and we 192 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:54,599 Speaker 1: need to be thinking about what she might be experiencing 193 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 1: right now constantly hearing his name in the media. As 194 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: I was reading this, I had a lot of mixed emotions. 195 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,400 Speaker 1: I found myself being torn, and I could imagine that 196 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: there are a lot of other people out there who 197 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 1: are also feeling torn, and so I want us to 198 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:21,960 Speaker 1: dive into those complicated feelings, because, at least for me, 199 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 1: when as I was reading this, the things that were 200 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 1: coming up for me were a yes and yes. We 201 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: do need to keep in mind that he did admit 202 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:43,440 Speaker 1: to raping this woman, right, and that we know that 203 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: for survivors of assault that hearing the name of their perpetrator, 204 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:57,040 Speaker 1: seeing pictures images of their perpetrator being brought to their 205 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: attention can be very triggering. And his family is grieving. 206 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,079 Speaker 1: Is this something that we need to be calling attention 207 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 1: to on the day that he died? 208 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,319 Speaker 3: And don for those I wasn't actually familiar with the case, 209 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 3: I heard, you know, we were younger. I heard about it, 210 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 3: but I didn't know about the details. Can you talk 211 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 3: a bit about what you found, just for people that 212 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 3: don't know, because I think there was like a discrepancy 213 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 3: as we were talking about what the woman experienced and 214 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 3: what she said she experienced compared to what he remembered 215 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 3: that day. So it made it even more complicated because 216 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,839 Speaker 3: I think there was like there was just a lot 217 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,480 Speaker 3: to that case. But can you just talk a little 218 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,760 Speaker 3: bit about that, because I know, we talked about that 219 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 3: at dinner. 220 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: So what I saw online. So the case was in 221 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,559 Speaker 1: two thousand and three. The case came out in two 222 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:53,280 Speaker 1: thousand and three and the charges were dropped, the case 223 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:58,560 Speaker 1: was dismissed. But what came out of that was that 224 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 1: their persons of what happened were different. She said she 225 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:08,679 Speaker 1: was raped. Her perception, her perspective, Her narrative is that 226 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: she was raped. His narrative, His perspective was that it 227 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: was consensual. What we know now in twenty twenty, in 228 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,320 Speaker 1: the era of Me Too, things may have gone a 229 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 1: lot differently for him had this happened in twenty twenty, 230 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 1: oh for sure. But what we know, regardless of what 231 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: that outcome was, is that her perception was that it 232 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 1: was not consensual. Her perception is that it was rape, 233 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,960 Speaker 1: and so for her, he will always be her rapist. 234 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 1: And if you are a survivor of any type of assault, 235 00:13:54,880 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: it is extremely complicated in terms of forgiving or moving 236 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: forward or moving on or forgetting the person who assaulted you. 237 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 1: And so, you know, some of the stuff that I 238 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 1: was seeing online from from other survivors is, you know, 239 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: things of it's okay for people to have whatever feelings 240 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 1: they are having, and they are absolutely right that when 241 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: someone dies, your feelings are going to be complicated and 242 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 1: for some people, for some survivors, they may be happy 243 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 1: that their perpetrator is no longer alive, and they are 244 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:47,720 Speaker 1: not wrong in having those feelings. Socially, that's not how 245 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: we're conditioned to think. We're conditioned to think that we 246 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,520 Speaker 1: should want everyone to be alive, right, we shouldn't wish 247 00:14:56,560 --> 00:15:01,080 Speaker 1: death on anybody. But that's not the reality. The reality 248 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 1: is that some people, particularly some survivors, may truly be 249 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: happy when the person who assaulted them is no longer alive, 250 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 1: and they can still simultaneously be sad for that person's family. 251 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm with you. 252 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 3: I mean, I think it's complicated, and I think that 253 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,800 Speaker 3: this is a time where we can have a variety 254 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 3: of feelings that can potentially conflict with each other, and 255 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 3: we can have them simultaneously. And so a few things 256 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 3: that come up for me will be the victim, like 257 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,280 Speaker 3: I can only imagine what she's going through and what 258 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 3: other sexual assault survivors are going through when you see 259 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 3: this person's name all over and it's kind of like 260 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,640 Speaker 3: you're being triggered again, right, because everyone may be praising 261 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:52,359 Speaker 3: this person and you're just remembering, reliving the events. 262 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 2: That you've experienced. Right, That's one thing. 263 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 3: There's another feeling of just sadness that a life was lost, right, 264 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 3: a child chill and lost their lives, right, Other people 265 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 3: lost their lives, and it's just sad, you know in 266 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 3: general when you think about the folks that are impacted 267 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 3: by that loss directly and even fans, right, that's sad. 268 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 3: I think there's another part where you're thinking, you know, 269 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,560 Speaker 3: when is the right time to bring something up? You know, 270 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 3: like and I think about myself, like if I were 271 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,360 Speaker 3: to do something and I guess it's different, right, this 272 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 3: is totally different. So let me just say this is 273 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 3: not this is like apples and oranges here, But I 274 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 3: just think about it from a personal level. On if 275 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,800 Speaker 3: I were to make a terrible mistake in my life 276 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 3: and then I died, even though I've done a lot 277 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,320 Speaker 3: of great things after that incident, and that was the 278 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,760 Speaker 3: first thing people brought up, it's like damn, you know 279 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 3: is if you think about legacy right, right, and it's 280 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,760 Speaker 3: like damn. There's another thing that comes up for me 281 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 3: around when do you forgive? And if you should forgive, right, 282 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 3: It's just a question like when do you forgive and 283 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 3: do they even deserve forgiveness? Like that's complicated, And I 284 00:16:56,080 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 3: think the last thing for me is this sort. 285 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 2: Of this is complicated too. 286 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 3: It's like this, I don't know if i'd say obligation, 287 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,560 Speaker 3: but this sensitivity when it comes to black men and 288 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 3: feeling this need to protect black men at all costs. 289 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 2: I think many black women have this feeling. 290 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 3: It could be based on our upbringing, it could be 291 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,200 Speaker 3: based on slavery, it could be based on the predicament 292 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,280 Speaker 3: of black men in America or in the world. But 293 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 3: you know, even if a black man does something wrong, 294 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,200 Speaker 3: protect him at all costs? 295 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:28,359 Speaker 1: Right? 296 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 2: And is that healthy to have that feeling of when 297 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 2: he's wrong? 298 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 3: And I'm talking not just Kobe Bryant, but like the 299 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 3: men in your family, right, men are that are in 300 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,159 Speaker 3: your family, or that are in your you know, that 301 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 3: are in your world, that may have violated women or 302 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 3: that may have you know, done wrong. You want to 303 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,960 Speaker 3: protect them, even though you're like, I know he's wrong 304 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 3: and he should pay for what he did, but I 305 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 3: still feel this need to protect it. There's just so 306 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:54,960 Speaker 3: many different feelings and emotions that come up, and I 307 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,439 Speaker 3: think it's important to know that don't judge yourself for 308 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 3: having these feelings, Like it's okay, it's normal. This is 309 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 3: a part of the human experience to be faced with 310 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 3: complicated emotions. I don't think there's anything wrong about the 311 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:13,200 Speaker 3: way that people feel as individuals. I think that us 312 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 3: as society, I think we have to do a better 313 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 3: job of processing and showcasing feelings on social media, you know, 314 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,679 Speaker 3: because I think that oftentimes people will post things and 315 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 3: it could traumatize someone else. And so this is a 316 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,359 Speaker 3: complicated situation. That's really all I can say. It's a 317 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,000 Speaker 3: complicated situation with a lot of emotions for many people. 318 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:36,320 Speaker 1: There's this concept called hagiography that essentially means that when 319 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: someone dies, we kind of elevate them into like this 320 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:49,880 Speaker 1: saintly status that we may forget all of the negative 321 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:54,440 Speaker 1: things about them and almost kind of make them into 322 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:59,159 Speaker 1: this a saint, like someone who did absolutely no wrong, 323 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: who was perfect in every way. 324 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 2: You witness at at funerals all the time. 325 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 3: You ever gone to a funeral and they're out there 326 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,440 Speaker 3: reading the obituary and you're like, man, uncle. 327 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 2: Jim was a damn he was an evil man. 328 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,680 Speaker 3: He was so mean, or I Susie, she was so rude, 329 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,439 Speaker 3: Like you just you know, the essence of a person 330 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,399 Speaker 3: and that's not necessarily presented when they pass away. But 331 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,840 Speaker 3: it's like, I don't know, it's not right, but it's like, 332 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 3: what do you do? 333 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 2: I don't know. 334 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: Well, some of that is based on Christian upbringing, right, 335 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 1: because so think about it from this perspective. If you 336 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:42,440 Speaker 1: come from a Christian upbringing, then we're taught that there's 337 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,240 Speaker 1: a heaven and a Hell, and those who do well, 338 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,719 Speaker 1: who do right, are going to heaven and those who 339 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,160 Speaker 1: don't are going to Hell. So in our way of coping, 340 00:19:53,800 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: if we admit that Uncle Jim was doing all of 341 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 1: these evil things to people, then if we like really 342 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,359 Speaker 1: acknowledge that and really own up to that and put 343 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,160 Speaker 1: that side by side with our belief in heaven and Hell, 344 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,119 Speaker 1: then what we're saying as we're sitting in his funeral 345 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 1: is that, oh shit, uncle Jim might be going to Hell. 346 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: And I don't want to think about him possibly going 347 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 1: to hell, So I'm going to focus on the good 348 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: stuff that he did. 349 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 2: That's a good point. 350 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,200 Speaker 1: And if I'm focusing on the good stuff, that he did, 351 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: then my spirit can be at ease. My spirit can 352 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: be at rest because I'm thinking about him being in 353 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 1: heaven and I don't have to worry about him potentially 354 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,160 Speaker 1: being in hell and. 355 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,360 Speaker 3: This everlasting pitifire, Like when you compare it like that, 356 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,160 Speaker 3: it's just like, well, damn, it seems like everyone's going 357 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,439 Speaker 3: to heaven and when you go to their funeral right right, 358 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:00,400 Speaker 3: what you. 359 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,480 Speaker 2: Believe and so yeah, this is just tricky stuff. 360 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 3: I feel like, if you don't take anything else away 361 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,320 Speaker 3: from this episode, just knowing that there's no wrong way 362 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 3: to feel. I feel like we just want to judge 363 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 3: everything and we feel like everything has to be black 364 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 3: and white. But you can kind of be in the 365 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 3: gray area in the middle. You can feel conflicting emotions simultaneously, 366 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,640 Speaker 3: and I think that's important to realize. And I found 367 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 3: this interesting article and it talks about six steps to 368 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 3: mindfully deal with difficult emotions. So I just want to 369 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,520 Speaker 3: share some things really quick. And so the first one says, 370 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,679 Speaker 3: turn toward your emotions with acceptance, So just be aware 371 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 3: of them and identify what you sense to your body. 372 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 2: And let yourself. 373 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 1: That acceptance piece is about knowing, like just allowing yourself 374 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,000 Speaker 1: to feel it. Right, So, whatever it is that's coming up, 375 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:52,040 Speaker 1: except that this is what's you're feeling, sit with it 376 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:54,359 Speaker 1: for a moment to kind of and slow it down, 377 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: to kind of acknowledge that, hey, this is what's going on. 378 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 1: I know, for me personally, some times I have a 379 00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 1: tendency if I'm like, if the feeling comes up and 380 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: it feels like it's inconvenient, an inconvenient time for the 381 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 1: feeling to be coming up, then I may push it away, right, 382 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:15,479 Speaker 1: But in that moment, it's important to truly just let 383 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:20,800 Speaker 1: yourself to slow down and let yourself feel whatever it is. 384 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,560 Speaker 1: Whatever that feeling may be. If it's anger, let yourself 385 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,840 Speaker 1: feel that anger and kind of try and tap into 386 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: and explore. Just spend a few minutes kind of exploring, Wait, 387 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 1: why is this bringing up angering me right now? Like 388 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: for me when I was hit, when I was getting 389 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 1: the news and I found myself crying and I'm like, 390 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,560 Speaker 1: I'm not even a Kobe fan, Why am I crying? 391 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:47,360 Speaker 2: Like, I let. 392 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: Myself like have those tears then and literally asked myself 393 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:54,959 Speaker 1: that question, Wait, what is it about what's happening right 394 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,720 Speaker 1: now that's causing me to cry right now. 395 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 3: And before I go into number two, you actually kind 396 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,240 Speaker 3: of touched on it just a little bit. But before 397 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,720 Speaker 3: I go into number two, I just want to share 398 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,200 Speaker 3: something I shared on my Instagram because I just saw 399 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 3: so many nasty, mean posts online where it's just like 400 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:14,199 Speaker 3: y'all timing, okay, timing, my g like timing is everything right, 401 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:16,400 Speaker 3: And so all I said was, you never know how 402 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,639 Speaker 3: a legend has impacted the life of another person. 403 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 2: You don't know. 404 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,400 Speaker 3: You don't need to know Kobe Bryant or his daughter 405 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 3: personally to be impacted by this tragedy. Be respectful and kind, 406 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,720 Speaker 3: hug your loved ones and let them know how you 407 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,040 Speaker 3: feel about them. Life is precious. And I wrote that 408 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 3: because people were like, you don't even know this person, 409 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,160 Speaker 3: but it's like you don't have to. I remember when 410 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,399 Speaker 3: you know, I watched the Selena. You know, Selena, the 411 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 3: movie that was one of my favorite movies. J Lo 412 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 3: did an amazing job playing Selena, and that was said, 413 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,879 Speaker 3: like I cried when a lot of celebrities die because 414 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 3: you feel connected to them, you feel connected to their artwork, right, 415 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:48,439 Speaker 3: And so it's like, don't let people shame me for 416 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,679 Speaker 3: feeling bad or sad for someone that you never even met, Like, 417 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 3: that's just for human beings. Okay, So that's just weird 418 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,640 Speaker 3: for people to even say that and like to judge people. 419 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 3: You don't have to meet people just to feel connected 420 00:23:59,480 --> 00:23:59,719 Speaker 3: to them. 421 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 2: It's just mean. 422 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,080 Speaker 1: And I think the other thing with that too, is 423 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:09,440 Speaker 1: that if we find ourselves feeling sad about a celebrity, 424 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,840 Speaker 1: part of again like asking ourselves why are we feeling 425 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: this way? Like is it that we're connected through their art? 426 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:23,840 Speaker 1: You know? Is it that they remind us of someone 427 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,200 Speaker 1: else in our life and that's what's bringing up the emotion? 428 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 2: Interesting? 429 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,440 Speaker 1: Is it that it's making us think about our own 430 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 1: current circumstances and that's bringing up the emotion, or is 431 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 1: it that it's a reminder of a tragedy that we 432 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: may have recently experienced, And like, whatever it is, it's 433 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 1: okay for us to tap into that and kind of 434 00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:55,439 Speaker 1: try to acknowledge what it's what's coming up for us. 435 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 2: Exactly that might agree. 436 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,639 Speaker 3: Number two is identify and label the emotion, which I 437 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 3: think you pretty much touched on. Number three is accept 438 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 3: your emotions. Number four is realize the impermanence of your 439 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:12,639 Speaker 3: emotions and so even if the emotion feels overwhelming, remember 440 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:13,679 Speaker 3: that it will pass. 441 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,359 Speaker 2: You know, time does heal most things. 442 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,439 Speaker 1: As they say, one of the things with that is 443 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,520 Speaker 1: ninety seconds. Give yourself ninety seconds to feel that emotion 444 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 1: and like just let it out, Like if those tears 445 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: are coming, or if that burst of anger is arising, 446 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 1: give yourself ninety seconds to experience it and you will 447 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,439 Speaker 1: see that it will start to fade. And if it 448 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: doesn't start to fade, then that's a signal to yourself 449 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,720 Speaker 1: that there are some things there that you need to 450 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:44,680 Speaker 1: kind of process. 451 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 3: Number five is inquire and investigate, which I think you've 452 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,480 Speaker 3: covered as well, like asking yourself those questions like what's 453 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,359 Speaker 3: coming up for me? What triggered me? Why do I 454 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 3: feel this way? And number six is let go of 455 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,879 Speaker 3: the need to control your emotions, open to the outcome 456 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,560 Speaker 3: of your emotions and what unfolds. 457 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,400 Speaker 1: And I would also add to that to take care 458 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 1: of yourself through all of that. No matter what the 459 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,359 Speaker 1: emotions are that may be coming up for you, know 460 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:20,200 Speaker 1: that that can be draining and exhausting, and so let 461 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,879 Speaker 1: make sure that you're getting rest. Make sure that you 462 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,760 Speaker 1: are also, like after you're letting yourself experience the emotions 463 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 1: that you're doing things to pour into yourself. So, whether 464 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:35,239 Speaker 1: that's making sure you get some extra sleep, whether that 465 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:42,280 Speaker 1: is unplugging from social media, distracting yourself temporarily by like 466 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,600 Speaker 1: doing things that are fun and exciting, right, figuring out 467 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,640 Speaker 1: what it is that you have to do to pour 468 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:54,119 Speaker 1: into you to make yourself feel good after you have 469 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,880 Speaker 1: experienced the emotions. And I think the key there is 470 00:26:57,359 --> 00:26:59,639 Speaker 1: doing this after, because we want to make sure that 471 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:05,879 Speaker 1: you don't deny yourself that opportunity to experience the emotions. 472 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 3: And Lady, as you're processing these emotions. We do have 473 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,159 Speaker 3: some resources in the show notes. So one, there's a 474 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 3: book on death and dying with the dying have to 475 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:18,879 Speaker 3: teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families. And so 476 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,919 Speaker 3: that's a book that we have there. And I also 477 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:25,639 Speaker 3: shared the smudge kit sticks that I use when I 478 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,159 Speaker 3: personally just clear my energy in general, when I'm praying 479 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 3: and meditating. 480 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:30,719 Speaker 2: This is just a personal ritual that I have. 481 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,359 Speaker 3: And this also made me think about the concept of 482 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 3: legacy videos, which we talked about in season three, episode ten, 483 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:42,119 Speaker 3: and so that episode is called a Fresh Perspective on Death. 484 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 2: You need to hear. 485 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:47,760 Speaker 3: It was a very I think, positive and lighthearted episode 486 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 3: that we had. You don't usually hear such a joyful 487 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,959 Speaker 3: sort of vibe when you're talking about death, but that's 488 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,560 Speaker 3: a really good episode that I think we had together Down, 489 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,639 Speaker 3: So I would definitely check that out, lady, And maybe 490 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,680 Speaker 3: we should do a quick recap on all of the 491 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,400 Speaker 3: tips that we have covered today, so you can write 492 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,600 Speaker 3: them down if you're listening to us and you have 493 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,720 Speaker 3: your pen and paper, or if you're on the go, 494 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,199 Speaker 3: maybe you can just make a mental note. So there 495 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,719 Speaker 3: are some key takeaways that Down will share, and then 496 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,719 Speaker 3: I'll go over the six steps to mindfully deal with 497 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 3: difficult emotions. 498 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,040 Speaker 1: So the first thing, and I've stressed this throughout the 499 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:26,239 Speaker 1: episode today, is to feel all of the feelings and 500 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:32,679 Speaker 1: know that whatever they are, they are valid. Be kind 501 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: to yourself, so don't place any judgment on whatever it 502 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:43,160 Speaker 1: is that you may be thinking and feeling, Know that 503 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: it's all okay. Step away from social media, from the news, 504 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:56,760 Speaker 1: from anything that may feel like it's becoming too much information. 505 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 1: Set boundaries with those around so that you can get 506 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: what you need. So if the people around you are 507 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:11,040 Speaker 1: engaging in the conversation about death or about Kobe, or 508 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 1: you know, losing a loved one in general, and you 509 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: know that in this moment, it's not a good moment 510 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,720 Speaker 1: for you to talk about it. Set that boundary and 511 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,400 Speaker 1: walk away from that conversation. Let them know that now 512 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 1: is not the time for you. Also, though, if it 513 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,800 Speaker 1: on the reverse of that, if it is time or 514 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,880 Speaker 1: you're needing time, don't be afraid to advocate for yourself 515 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:41,560 Speaker 1: and say, hey, support system, where you're at, I'm calling 516 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,800 Speaker 1: you in. I need some help, I need someone to 517 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: listen to me, I need someone to take the kids 518 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,760 Speaker 1: for a little while, I need to take a day 519 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 1: off from the job, whatever it is. Don't be afraid 520 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 1: to set your boundaries, reach out to your support system. 521 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,040 Speaker 1: And then the last tip that I have is to 522 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 1: utilize whatever resources you have around you, like therapy. So 523 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: if you know that you are having a harder time grieving, 524 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,479 Speaker 1: or you know that this is bringing up things for 525 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:23,360 Speaker 1: you that maybe you're realizing now that oh wait, maybe 526 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: I haven't processed what I needed to process from five 527 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:33,160 Speaker 1: years ago or two years ago, reach out to your therapist. 528 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:36,320 Speaker 1: And if you need a therapist, be sure to check 529 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:40,360 Speaker 1: out our resources because we have multiple links for how 530 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area. 531 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 3: And just to revisit the six steps to mindfully deal 532 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,920 Speaker 3: with difficult emotions. Number one is turned toward your emotions 533 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:55,760 Speaker 3: with acceptance. Number two, identify and label the emotion. Number 534 00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:01,480 Speaker 3: three accept your emotions. Number four, realize the impermanence of 535 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:07,800 Speaker 3: your emotions. Number five inquire and investigate, and number six 536 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 3: let go of the need to control your emotions. 537 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,200 Speaker 1: I'm gonna close us out with a quote from Elizabeth 538 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,880 Speaker 1: Koobler Ross, who wrote the book on Death and Dying, 539 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,479 Speaker 1: which we will have a link for in our show notes. 540 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:28,360 Speaker 1: The reality is that you will agree forever. You will 541 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:32,720 Speaker 1: not get over the loss of a loved one. You 542 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: will learn to live with it. You will heal, and 543 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. 544 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,600 Speaker 1: You will be whole again, but you will never be 545 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:50,720 Speaker 1: the same, nor should you be the same, nor would 546 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:55,600 Speaker 1: you want to be. Hey, lady, is doctor dom here 547 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 1: from the Herspace podcast. Do you have a burning question 548 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,760 Speaker 1: you're dying to get feedback on. Do you want an 549 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:06,480 Speaker 1: unbiased perspective on a situation you're facing. If so, visit 550 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:11,280 Speaker 1: herspacepodcast dot com and click ask doctor Dom under the 551 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 1: start here option. Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions 552 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: and answer them at random. Thanks for joining us today 553 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,760 Speaker 1: in her Space. Please note that our show may contain 554 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 1: conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, 555 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,040 Speaker 1: but it is by no means meant to be a 556 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:35,640 Speaker 1: substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental 557 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:39,600 Speaker 1: health provider. If you are someone you know is in 558 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 1: need of mental health care, please visit the Therapy for 559 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:48,120 Speaker 1: Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 560 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:50,360 Speaker 3: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 561 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 3: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 562 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:58,720 Speaker 3: Twitter at her Space podcast, or check out our website 563 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 3: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 564 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:07,360 Speaker 3: after me, There's something inside of me that's bigger than 565 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:08,320 Speaker 3: any obstacle. 566 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:10,720 Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, Lady