WEBVTT - Find your “Enough” with Audrina Patridge 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.320 Wine down with Janet Kramer, and I heard radio podcast 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:09.559 clearly Catherine and I, well, you guys can't really see this, 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:15.920 but um, it's like sweater weather, but it's not. It is. 0:00:16.079 --> 0:00:17.880 How how hot is it? Right now? We're still look 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:21.040 this up right now. I'm actually spending but I'm always 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:23.840 spending it here because I keep the house. It feels 0:00:23.880 --> 0:00:26.319 like eighty three, which is actually kind of cold for 0:00:26.400 --> 0:00:29.760 Nashville because it's been like a hundred and three. We'll 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:34.440 see seventy nine then feels okay. Alright, so um, but 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:37.080 we're both wearing big sweatshirts and we're ready for fall. 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:41.879 Ready it's been so so ready, very excited because we've 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:44.600 got Audrina on from the Hills. Um. She's got a 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:48.840 new book out, which, um, I'm very excited to read 0:00:48.960 --> 0:00:52.199 because she does not hold back and I love that 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:55.320 about her because she's sharing. It's called Choices, To the 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.600 Hills and Back Again. And I believe she's in the 0:00:57.600 --> 0:01:13.080 waiting room, so let's just pop her on. Hi, can 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:15.240 you hear me? I can hear you where it's the 0:01:15.280 --> 0:01:20.480 pretty face, Oh my goodness, the tired face here, no 0:01:20.680 --> 0:01:24.200 stop it. You look beautiful, but Honestly, I feel that 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:25.959 right now because I was just like, god, I look 0:01:26.000 --> 0:01:28.479 shiny and like I just put my kids down five 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:31.280 minutes early for nap time because I'm like, yeah, I 0:01:31.400 --> 0:01:33.640 just set here up in her room. I'm like, guld 0:01:33.680 --> 0:01:36.959 me like twenty minutes with the dog and watch a movie. 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:40.440 I know that's this is my best friend Catherine by 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:43.920 the way, um, but yeah, it's one of those things 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:46.679 where because I knew we had this, thank you for 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:48.320 changing the time too. But I was like, oh my gosh, 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:51.360 I don't I don't have my someone who was helping 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:53.840 me during the summer. She left, and so I was 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:56.160 just like, okay, twelve o'clock, but jas's napps at twelve. 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:57.800 But then I gotta put the like popping the crate. 0:01:57.800 --> 0:01:59.520 I gotta put it given I I had a Joel 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:03.680 because I think daughters around the same age six. And 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:07.840 then I'm like Russian Cabins, like we got this. I've 0:02:08.160 --> 0:02:12.960 helped for sure. I don't know you. It's hard, and 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:15.560 you know, I don't really have a lot of help either. 0:02:15.600 --> 0:02:19.440 I have my family, but they're all you know, they 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:21.840 all have their own lives too, so and Kura's so 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:25.320 picky about who she wants her, you know, wants to 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:27.639 She's like, I like her, but I don't like her. 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:31.839 In two hours, I'm gonna count down. I'm like, oh 0:02:31.919 --> 0:02:34.600 my gosh, Well that's good that she's very vocal about like, 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:36.840 you know what she wants. That's that's a that's a 0:02:36.840 --> 0:02:39.040 good that's a good thing. What is your what is 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:43.960 your custody split? Um? I have her full time, full time? Okay, 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:50.120 that is so that's a lot. Yeah, and then um, 0:02:50.160 --> 0:03:03.560 hi talking about something else, Okay, thank you. I brought 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:05.519 her oatmeal in her room and I was like, here, 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.080 just have some oatmeal. So she painting her nails and 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:10.680 brought her oatmeal back out. She's so funny. Yeah, So 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:16.480 I have her seven and then um, she like has 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:18.639 a FaceTime with her dad every now and then or 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:22.480 whenever he wants to visit. Mm hmm kind of whenever 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:24.760 it's up to him. How has that been on you? 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:28.440 Just having because I mean I'll say, um, I mean 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:32.800 I have seventy thirty. So I've got seventy and it's um, 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:36.160 I remember the first year having it. It's just a lot, right, 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:38.520 you're not used to having. And then I don't have 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:41.280 a nanny. I don't have, um, my family doesn't live here, 0:03:41.320 --> 0:03:44.600 so it's it's a it's it's a lot. Yeah, that 0:03:44.640 --> 0:03:46.720 would be a lot, and I can't imagine, you know. 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:48.520 But I also like, you mean, you look like an 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:52.800 amazing mom obviously, and um so, but how do you 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:57.560 like handle when you just like a Fortunately I have 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:00.360 my family, Like my brother lives one min it down 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:04.000 the street, and um, they have a six year old, 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:06.320 of five year old and a four year old, so 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.040 she she's like so close to them. And then my 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.960 other sister lives in Laguna, so like twenty minutes from here, 0:04:13.600 --> 0:04:16.120 and she has three kids. And then my other sister 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:20.160 has twins, so we're all so close. So if anything. 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:23.560 Sometimes I just I was like, I I need I 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:26.080 just need, like like two hours, three hours ago, my 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:28.800 nails done. I just need to like have a moment. 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:30.520 So I'll go and drop her off with one of 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:34.320 them and just take time. But now it's like getting 0:04:34.320 --> 0:04:37.400 into this dating world and trying to navigate that is 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:40.800 so unbelievably hard. And I tried to look up a 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:44.640 book about it and there's nothing. I'm like, I need tips, 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:46.480 Like I have no idea how to do that are 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:50.080 you sorry? Are you dating anyone right now? Yeah? And 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:56.320 have you been public about them? No? No, okay. I 0:04:56.320 --> 0:04:57.400 was like wait a minute. I was like, I know 0:04:57.480 --> 0:04:59.880 we follow each other, and I'm like, I'm all, I haven't. 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:04.400 But I'm like, okay, how how many months? Um, it's 0:05:04.400 --> 0:05:07.000 been a few months. But it's just like, um, we've 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:09.520 been hanging out. It's just trying to figure out, like 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:12.480 I'll go to l A or I'll rush somewhere for 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:14.720 like you know, I'm going to l A. Sometimes it's 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:17.760 two hours in traffic, hang out for a couple of hours, 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:19.400 and then I have to rush back. But the whole 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:23.839 time I'm being texted or like when are you coming back? 0:05:24.200 --> 0:05:27.040 Kira wants to you, and it's like I just got here, 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:29.800 give me like an hour and a half. I'll be there, 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:36.640 I promise. How has he met your daughter? No? No, no, no? Yeah? 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:40.520 Yeah yeah. How do you give you some advice? I 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:43.800 know you've dated someone girlfriend well, but that I have. 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:48.880 I have so much regret introducing my kids to him 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:51.200 that fast. I mean, it wasn't fast fast, but it 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.280 was like, you know, a little over a month and 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:55.560 a half, and or was maybe like it was bad. 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:58.000 I should not have done that. I think I just 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:03.360 got so wrapped up in love the first time, you know, feeling. 0:06:03.400 --> 0:06:05.920 But I mean I saw all the signs in the beginning, 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:08.800 and I should have been like I should have seen that. 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:10.480 I was just I was. I was so blinded by 0:06:10.520 --> 0:06:13.559 certain things just because I wanted it so bad. Yeah, 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:17.000 and but now it's like, oh, I will never I 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:19.960 will never fall into that mistake again, or yeah, I 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:24.320 think what do you think? Right? It's like if your 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:29.159 kids get attached to someone and then it ends, it's like, 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:31.360 how is that going to affect them in their future? 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:34.240 And like who they end, like their love and like 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:39.919 how they deal with things you don't know. Luckily, Yeah, luckily, 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:43.080 I've become friends with that person's ex wife and so 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:46.080 we still let the kids hang out together. So that's 0:06:46.120 --> 0:06:49.000 been great because they never really they never asked about him. 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:51.479 They only asked about the daughter. So and then we 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:55.360 became we had a lot in common, So you got 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.120 a friendship, all right. I know. It's like how cool that. 0:06:59.040 --> 0:07:01.560 I just can understand stand though as a mom, like 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:05.280 you want to see how it's going to work together 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:08.280 with the kids, because I mean, I was on that 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:10.160 boat of like don't ever. But then I'm like, how 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:11.600 do you know if it's even good? Like what if 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:14.040 you what if the kids hate each other? Right? And 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:16.040 what if like you know, because it's like you have 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:17.960 to see like how they are around the kids. So 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:19.400 it's like if they're not good around the kids, and 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:21.400 it's like, well that shoot, I just I've been dating 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:22.800 you for six months. Now I really like you, but 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.000 now you kind of now I just waited six months 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:31.600 because really it's I think for me, it's going to 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:33.960 be in a it'll have to be in a group setting, 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:40.320 you know. So how are you with um seeing all 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.560 the news articles that have been picking up from your book? 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:44.800 I mean, first of all, congrats on your book coming out. 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:49.000 Does that give you anxiety? Though? Yeah, I'm not reading 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:50.920 any of it because I feel like there's so many 0:07:50.960 --> 0:07:54.880 headlines that will take one thing or like yeah I 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:57.280 went on a couple of days with Chris fine, or 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:00.800 I'm met Leo, Like it's not all they take those 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:04.520 small things and like blow it up. So there and 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.240 then little things about Lauren and like if you actually 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:11.360 read it, it's really not that like but it's great. 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:13.640 I mean, I guess the headlines makes for a good 0:08:14.640 --> 0:08:18.520 cliffhanger of people wanting to read the book information, But 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:22.520 I just honestly, I don't. I don't read any of it. 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:25.280 I just I did it, and then I just like 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:31.040 that's that. I just bubble. So I'm obviously I've I've 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:34.280 been following your journey. I feel connected to you on 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:37.000 the levels of what you've been through in relationships and 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:39.480 when you were writing this book, was there a piece 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:41.880 of you that well, actually, I want to back up 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:47.840 even further when you talk about abuse, was it Did 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:51.560 he ever acknowledge the abuse and actually say like, yes, 0:08:51.640 --> 0:08:54.840 I abused you. No, it was always my fault for 0:08:55.000 --> 0:09:00.200 something like I didn't give him enough attention, or I 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:02.959 didn't answer all of his calls, or it was always 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:06.600 something I did where it's like you start questioning yourself, 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:08.880 like well, maybe I do deserve this, or maybe I'm 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:11.280 not good enough for I'm not working hard enough to 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:14.720 make this a better relationship. Like you start taking it on, 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:20.160 like blaming yourself, and and then you start believing it 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:23.040 and you're constantly trying to change yourself to make someone 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:26.920 else happy. So yeah, and I also think too, I 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:29.880 remember talking to my therapist at one point and I'm like, well, 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:33.079 he just pushed me, and she's like what, Like, that's 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:36.040 that's abuse. But I'm like, but it wasn't, like he 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:38.440 didn't hit and it's like it's they make you feel 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:40.600 like that. Okay, well you were the one or you know, 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:44.280 so it's a very that you deserved it because you 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:46.720 made me mad kind of thing. Yeah, did you ever 0:09:46.760 --> 0:09:51.000 watch Made No, it's a good show that was. You 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:54.439 need to watch that because it really touched on more 0:09:54.559 --> 0:09:59.880 emotional and verbal abuse. But it was it shined a 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.480 light to say, this is still abuse. Whether you get fist, 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:07.760 hand fist, clothes punched to your face or a push 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:11.079 or you know that or the intent or he's blacked 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:14.400 like that is still abuse. And I think so many 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:15.840 I know I have to I'm like, well, he didn't 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:18.400 choke me this time. He just pushed me, like you know. 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:19.680 And then and then well it was kind of my 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:22.839 fault because I was screaming or you know, and they 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:26.240 just make you feel like it's your fault. So thank 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.520 you for sharing that, And now how do you deal 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:33.400 with that moving forward into a healthy relationship. Well, I've 0:10:33.440 --> 0:10:36.600 done so much shealing. I mean I haven't really been 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:39.880 with anyone, like in a serious relationship at all. So 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:45.560 it's been almost like five years. Oh my gosh, yeah 0:10:45.600 --> 0:10:50.080 almost five years. Um, and so I haven't the last guy. 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:51.880 I kind of like I went on a date with 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.000 a few dates, and like for me, it's you know, 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.880 whenever you're a mom, like you don't consistently date someone 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:01.280 or see someone every day or I've the other day, 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:04.160 it's like once a week or once every two weeks. 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:06.040 And that's kind of how I was three years ago. 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:10.520 So the guy was dating then, Um, I just started. 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:15.200 I started seeing signs of of just like control and 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:17.880 wanting to push and move too fast, and that for me, 0:11:17.920 --> 0:11:20.880 I was like, nope, I'm done, this is over, like 0:11:21.080 --> 0:11:24.120 not doing this again. So I think now I noticed 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:27.200 so many signs from going to therapy and just working 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:30.640 on myself and learning to love myself and SETI and 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:34.319 not people please are giving because you feel like you're 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.880 gonna hurt someone's feelings. Um, and I just get out 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:40.200 of there. But now it's like now I run too fast, 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.640 you know. I I hear you so much Like if 0:11:43.720 --> 0:11:47.839 I feel like if I was healed and took more time, 0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:50.640 I would have seen the signs gotten out and not 0:11:51.080 --> 0:11:54.000 you know, just still believe certain things about myself. But 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:56.240 it's interesting now. And you make that point is because 0:11:56.520 --> 0:11:59.880 I was almost gonna say to you too, um after 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:03.360 this when we do our catchup, is like I'm almost 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:05.400 afraid I'm never going to let someone in again because 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:09.960 I'm just so I'm so um guarded guarded, it's not 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:13.520 even guarded. I hold so much space and sacred space 0:12:13.559 --> 0:12:17.720 for like my house and my surroundings, and I like, 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:21.640 I like being alone, like I had got on this date. Um. 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:24.640 It was our second date, and honestly, in my gut, 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:27.800 I'm like, I don't I don't want him here right now, 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:29.920 like I I. But I'm like I've never told someone 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.959 to leave ever, and so I think he was like 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:34.520 kind of sense in my vibe and he was like, 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:35.880 do you want me to leave? And I'm like, okay, 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:38.480 Old Janna would be like no, that's fine, like because 0:12:38.520 --> 0:12:40.920 I feel bad or you know, or I'll just go 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:44.360 sleep or I don't know whatever I'm like, but I 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:46.640 was like no, like this is my opportunity to do 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:50.280 it different. And I was like, yeah, I do, like 0:12:50.320 --> 0:12:52.560 I want to be alone and I just remember being 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:56.040 like so feeling so empowered and it felt so healthy 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:59.520 and good. He didn't like that, but that's not mine 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:01.720 to take gone, right, So that's what I started to 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:03.880 realize to him, like I can speak my truth and 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:06.760 then not take on what their feelings are. Like I know, 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:10.680 I was still nice. I was just like, yeah, I 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.840 mean for you to just want to be alone, realize 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:16.840 that and to put your foot down, like that's so 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.000 good for you to do it, because then it gives 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:22.520 you that confidence and that security that you can do 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:24.800 that and it's okay. Well, and here's the thing that 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:27.079 I'll say to what you said though, is like you 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:30.080 will it just you will let someone in. I know 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:32.920 I will in time to but it's not. And another 0:13:32.960 --> 0:13:35.760 thing too, that we we have our kids, right, I'm 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:37.360 sure I don't know if you do want another kid. 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:41.319 I do like a couple more, but if not, I'm 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:43.480 good with one. Right. And so it's like you don't 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:45.280 have to you know now that you don't have to 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:49.240 settle for someone like you get to like you get 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:52.440 to have that checklist and go okay, like I don't 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:56.079 have to settle for for anybody I know. And I 0:13:56.120 --> 0:14:01.840 think the guy has he's making the list like, how 0:14:01.840 --> 0:14:05.120 did you meet him? Was it on Riya? No, I've 0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:07.880 never been on any dating sites. Um, but i really 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:10.040 like him and he's really nice and I've been taking 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:15.680 things super slowful of that and so patient, which is great. Um, 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.600 it's just like this figuring out how to navigate, how 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:21.760 to hang out without like rushing away, like leaving all 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:24.960 the time, and like Okay, you gotta go by, and 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.400 like having time to hang out before she wants you 0:14:27.440 --> 0:14:30.440 back and I'm together to you know, getting to know 0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:34.360 each other and hanging out. It's so hard. So I 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:39.320 don't know if you could go back to the Hills era, 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:47.600 what would you change personally the Hills era? UM, I 0:14:47.640 --> 0:14:50.720 feel like I would say no and stick to my nose, 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.880 even with the producers being pressured into situations or being 0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:56.720 with someone that I didn't want to be with our 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:59.200 fight over, I would say no, my nose know, and 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:02.200 I'm not doing instead of being like, well, okay, it's 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:04.160 going to be good for the ratings, I'll just do it, 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:07.320 and then it gives my gives everybody in the world 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:10.720 this picture of me that I'm not or that's not 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:13.680 really really happened, and at the time, I didn't get 0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:16.680 to clear that up because you're under contract. So once 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:19.120 the show ended, we were all just like, oh, we 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:23.600 could speak our truth, like that's what really happened. Um, 0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:25.840 but yeah, it's just like saying no and not falling 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:29.840 into peer pressure or not people pleasing and just owning 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:32.880 who I was and not like being confused or like 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:36.720 being pulled in different directions. And just like after it ended, 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:39.480 I felt so lost. I didn't know who I was 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.400 or what I wanted. And it's just like I'm sitting 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:46.040 there like, well, now what I've done this for so long, 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:48.120 and now I don't know what to do, Like no 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:50.200 one's calling me and telling me where to be or 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:52.440 what I have to do right now. It's so crazy. 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:56.720 So I had to find myself again. Sure, yeah, sometimes 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:59.040 it's really good to say now and stick with it 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:00.880 and stick with it. I know that's always my problem. 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:06.040 I'm like, no, well, I know, I mean that would 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:08.200 be hard on the show just see if I could 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:10.080 make work. So that's why I just don't think I 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.240 could ever do like because I'm just so I I 0:16:13.440 --> 0:16:15.560 read all the stuff and like it's just like I'm 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:17.360 like but that's not who like, that's not what I meant, 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:19.680 or that's not like even when they pick certain things up, 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:23.520 it's like, but you know, so we have to have 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:27.480 real thick skin for that. Yeah. Yeah, I always don't 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:29.680 read it, but I don't know how. Also, just creating 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:33.480 habits and working that no muscle over and over and 0:16:33.520 --> 0:16:35.920 over to the point where you're so comfortable saying no, 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:39.960 I'm good, that's it. No, it's no. Yeah, And well 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:42.240 I think now I've gotten to that place because and 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:46.280 now I'm very confident in what I say and sticking 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.880 to it, which is which is nice. Back then absolutely not. 0:16:49.000 --> 0:16:53.800 But were you, um, were you afraid to write about 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.680 the abuse in the book at all? With I'm relating 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:00.520 to your daughter too? But yeah, I mean I didn't 0:17:00.560 --> 0:17:03.520 even really want to include that in there. But if 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:07.440 you google, it's out there. It's already out there. So 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:10.120 the book writer I was working with, who was amazing. 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:13.080 She's like, Audrina, this is out there. Is in the 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:16.119 police report, it's in the declaration, it's in all the 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:21.080 court documents. It's not something you could just pretend didn't happen. Um, 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:23.320 And I you know, that was such a pivotal moment 0:17:23.400 --> 0:17:28.280 in my life that helped me with what I needed, 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:30.280 and like just that was it for me. That was 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:33.960 the last straw. So as much as I didn't want 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:36.480 to include any of that and just pretend it didn't happen, 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.080 it did happen and it did affect me on so 0:17:39.160 --> 0:17:42.879 many levels. And you know, there's pros and cons to it, 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:46.199 and for me, it like helped me. That was it, Like, 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:49.880 you can't there's got to be you can't just keep 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:53.920 putting up with abuse like that, whether it's emotional, verbal, physical. 0:17:54.760 --> 0:17:57.639 You have to not isolate and get your friends. You 0:17:57.680 --> 0:17:59.760 need help, you need someone to pull you out. And 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:03.520 so times for me, I didn't want to call the 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:05.679 police because I knew it would go public. So I 0:18:05.760 --> 0:18:09.600 kept trying to hide everything for so long and it 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:12.480 just got to a point where it's like enough is enough. 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:14.879 I can't do this anymore. What was your enough? Like 0:18:14.920 --> 0:18:18.359 do you remember the moment where you're just like, okay, enough, Well, 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.040 there's a lot of moments, but it's just like being 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:23.120 woken up in the middle of the night, being cussed at, 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:26.639 calling being called names, and it's like I've been sleeping, 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:29.160 Like what are you talk like you're the one out 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:32.479 partying till four in the morning with who knows you know, 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:38.399 doing whatever. Um, it's just the constant accusations and telling 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:40.840 me that no one will ever love me and I'll 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.760 never be good enough for anyone that I am, you know, 0:18:43.880 --> 0:18:46.960 just all the name calling, in the belittling, it just 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:50.280 you start to believe it. And I just started to 0:18:50.359 --> 0:18:54.040 cave in and isolate, and I was losing so much 0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:57.000 weight and I just wasn't myself. My strength was gone, 0:18:57.000 --> 0:18:59.240 but I had strength for my daughter and she was 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.280 still a baby. And for me, it's like I don't 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:05.920 ever want her right now. She doesn't realize what's going on, 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:09.480 but I don't ever want her to have to experience 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:12.200 that or see someone treat me like that and think 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:15.399 it's okay. So that gave me strength and being like 0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:18.920 enough is enough. My daughter will never see this. She's 0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:21.240 going to be strong, she'll never let anyone treat her 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:24.720 like this. And for me, that's what helped me be 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:28.119 get out of it. And just I did give a 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.240 hundred and twenty percent. I went to therapy, I did 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:35.160 everything I possibly could to make sure I did everything 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:37.520 so I could walk away knowing like I gave, I 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:39.879 gave it all I had, and so this is it. 0:19:40.040 --> 0:19:44.800 I'm never turning back. I love. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:49.479 kids have a way of really help, you know, helping 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.000 you find that strength. I feel like, I mean, you 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:54.000 have to do it for your kids. You do. And 0:19:54.040 --> 0:19:56.960 I remember the first time, you know, I was crying 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:59.240 and I went in Kira's room. I went in her 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:02.480 room and I shut the door, and he kept following me, 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:05.520 and I was just broke. I finally just broke down, 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:08.920 but I couldn't like run from her. You know. She 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:14.440 started consoling me, like patting me, and like, I'm so 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:17.640 glad that you shared that. I know that that has 0:20:17.680 --> 0:20:20.960 to feel somewhat empowering to and also you're going to 0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:24.680 help so many people. Yeah. I was at actually at 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:28.119 a book signing UM and Jersey the other day and 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:31.120 this lady came up and she was just started crying 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:33.320 and I had to give up, get up and give 0:20:33.320 --> 0:20:35.840 her a hug. She's like, you know my daughter, and 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:39.320 I She's like I was, I went through domestic abuse, 0:20:39.640 --> 0:20:42.520 and she's like it was physical, it was like it 0:20:42.600 --> 0:20:46.120 was worse than what you went through, but like it 0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:49.480 was just that feeling and just reading your book and 0:20:49.520 --> 0:20:52.399 knowing that I have felt that before, She's like it 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:55.480 gave me the chills, and like she just started crying 0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:58.240 and then I almost started crying. So there's so many 0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:01.280 people out there that that need to hear it and 0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:03.760 need to talk about it. You can't hide it, don't 0:21:03.760 --> 0:21:07.640 be ashamed of it. Don't feel humiliated. Like everybody has 0:21:07.680 --> 0:21:11.879 gone through something and it is embarrassing if you're going 0:21:11.920 --> 0:21:14.480 through it and you want to hide it. But there's 0:21:14.520 --> 0:21:17.160 so many people out there that are going they're going 0:21:17.160 --> 0:21:21.359 through the same thing that need help. And you know 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:23.639 it's not the end. There's light at the end of 0:21:23.640 --> 0:21:27.280 the tunnel. You just have to be strong and there's 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:29.520 For me, it was going to church and God and 0:21:29.640 --> 0:21:32.080 therapy in my family. That's what helped pull me out 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:34.399 of it. Would you say that's kind of the message 0:21:34.440 --> 0:21:37.960 your overall message of the book. Yeah, And I talked 0:21:37.960 --> 0:21:40.479 about that too, Like I go to saddle Back with 0:21:40.560 --> 0:21:43.679