1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, you 6 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,400 Speaker 1: know the deal. Wherever you are in the world, it 7 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,639 Speaker 1: is great to have you here back for another episode 8 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: because this week we are going to tackle the big 9 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: scary beast that is self sabotage. Our twenties are such 10 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: a unique time of growth and goal setting and huge moments, 11 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: but it can also be very easy for us to 12 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: get in our own world. I think sometimes we can 13 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: be our biggest enemy because of our tendency to engage 14 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: in behavior that actually undermines us, and we consistently sabotage 15 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:16,959 Speaker 1: our efforts in ways that are sometimes not even obvious. 16 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: So why do we do that? Why do we find 17 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,319 Speaker 1: ourselves acting in a manner that is contradictory to our 18 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 1: goals and which leaves us worse off? I think a 19 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,400 Speaker 1: deeper question as well is why can't we let ourselves 20 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 1: be happy and let ourselves succeed? Well, that's what we're 21 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,760 Speaker 1: going to explore today. I think self sabotage comes in 22 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: many forms, from procrastination to impulse buying, indecision, poor dating choices, 23 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: starting conflict, overworking, isolating ourselves, and even more serious habits 24 00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:01,400 Speaker 1: like substance abuse. But at their very core, all of 25 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 1: these behaviors stem from the negative beliefs we hold about 26 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 1: ourselves and feeling like we don't deserve the good things 27 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: in life, so choosing to sabotage ourselves before they even occur. 28 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: And it was Freud who actually was one of the 29 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: first people to identify these behaviors, and he believed that 30 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 1: it derived from our unconscious beliefs and what he called 31 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 1: the death drive, whereby all humans innately want to be 32 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:37,080 Speaker 1: free of responsibility and expectation, so they sabotage their efforts 33 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 1: at success, for example, scrolling on TikTok rather than doing 34 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,639 Speaker 1: your assignment as a way of ignoring your responsibilities. And 35 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,960 Speaker 1: psychology has obviously evolved a lot since then, and now 36 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: we tend to think of self sabotage as linked to 37 00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:03,960 Speaker 1: ideas around coping mechanisms, negative beliefs, self punishment, fear of success, 38 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,080 Speaker 1: and so much more. And I think all of those 39 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 1: aspects of our unconscious thinking and of our self esteem 40 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 1: and self concept are also the things we tend to 41 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: start diving into and digging into and uncovering in our twenties, 42 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 1: so they are inextricably linked. I also want to talk 43 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: about the many innocent looking behaviors that are encouraged by 44 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:32,359 Speaker 1: society but are actually a form of self sabotage, and 45 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: why it is so hard to identify when we are 46 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: deliberately handicapping ourselves and getting out of our own way. 47 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: So in this episode, we are going to dive into 48 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 1: the fascinating psychology behind self sabotage, from the origins and 49 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 1: the causes of self destructive behaviors to the major science 50 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: that you are a self saboteur, the obvious and the 51 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 1: less of why we self sabotage, the links to childhood 52 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:10,320 Speaker 1: to trauma, but also ultimately how we can cultivate healthier 53 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: habits and patterns and let go of our negative beliefs 54 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,159 Speaker 1: to break the cycle of self sabotage. So if you 55 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,599 Speaker 1: are sick of striking yourself down and being your own 56 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:27,279 Speaker 1: worst enemy, this episode is for you. I cannot wait 57 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: to get into it. So without further ado, let's go. 58 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 1: Self sabotage, also known as self destructive behavior, is a 59 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:46,920 Speaker 1: pattern of habits and actions and unconscious decisions that are 60 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:51,600 Speaker 1: innately harmful and they undermine our goals and wellbeing or 61 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: just all around levels of happiness. At their core, these 62 00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:01,520 Speaker 1: behaviors are driven by things like unresis solved, emotional pain, 63 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 1: low self esteem, a sense of unworthiness, and the sense 64 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,400 Speaker 1: that we need to almost punish ourselves for something that's 65 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 1: happened in the past. Individuals who engage in these self 66 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 1: destructive behaviors probably like you and I. They may use 67 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:26,040 Speaker 1: them as coping mechanisms to numb or distract themselves from 68 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:32,359 Speaker 1: their underlying psychological distress. It obviously differs from what we 69 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,120 Speaker 1: would typically see as sabotage like in the movies or 70 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,039 Speaker 1: in like a Shakespeare play, you know, the form of 71 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,719 Speaker 1: malicious actions by others to disrupt or hinder us. And 72 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: it really zones in on this idea and belief that 73 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: we can be our own biggest saboteur when it comes 74 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: to not just our major goals, but also our everyday life. 75 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 1: And I think the secret here is that everyone engaged 76 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: and these kinds of behaviors every single one of us 77 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 1: will sell sabotage at some point in our lives. And 78 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,840 Speaker 1: when we are in our twenties, I think we are 79 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 1: particularly vulnerable because we don't yet have a strong identity. 80 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: We can be super confused about our goals and our future, 81 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,359 Speaker 1: and we don't really yet have as much of that 82 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: hindsight or experience to recognize the correlation between certain habits 83 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: and the outcomes that cause us to stress and cause 84 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,920 Speaker 1: us to undermine our progress or just our life in general. 85 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: The origins of this term or idea that actually they're 86 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 1: somewhat ancient. It is this idea that has been around 87 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,480 Speaker 1: for some time and used in one way or another 88 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: to describe individuals who acted in a quote unquote unsavory manner. 89 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 1: But it wasn't really given a formal name or really 90 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 1: studied until the late eighteen hundreds. And who do we 91 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,880 Speaker 1: have to think for that, Well, of course it was Freud, 92 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 1: the granddaddy of psychology. Self sabotage has a lot to 93 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 1: do with our ego and our unconscious beliefs and our 94 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: childhood development. So of course Freud is going to have 95 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 1: his fingers in this in some forum or another, and 96 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 1: he was the one who came up with and kind 97 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:31,240 Speaker 1: of presented this idea of the death drive, which he 98 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 1: believed was innate in humans. And it is essentially this 99 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: unconscious psychological urge towards self destruction which he theorized was 100 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 1: actually really cathartic. You know, ruining your life meant being 101 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: free from ordinary stresses and responsibilities and kind of claiming 102 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 1: a whole new set of burdens. But for just a second, 103 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 1: we feel really liberated. And he was describing what we 104 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:10,840 Speaker 1: now know as self destructive behaviors or self sabotage, and 105 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: they can really occur in any domain of life, you know, 106 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 1: our relationships, our careers, our family, our physical wellbeing, emotional wellbeing, 107 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,720 Speaker 1: or just general happiness. You know, where there is room 108 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 1: to grow or succeed, there is room to self sabotage. 109 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: I know I've already given some examples, but I want 110 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: to give some more here, just to paint kind of 111 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,199 Speaker 1: a broader image of what this looks like. It may 112 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: be you know, starting fights with your partner even when 113 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:47,319 Speaker 1: you're not mad, lashing out, you know, neglecting your physical needs, 114 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: being unconsciously indecisive, ignoring your intuition, maybe making dating choices 115 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 1: you know you shouldn't be doing, or scrolling on your phone, 116 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,400 Speaker 1: or impulse by tying anything that actually is counterproductive to 117 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: a conscious goal you have, but you physically cannot stop 118 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 1: yourself from doing. It's like this strange kind of alter 119 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 1: ego has taken over your body and is making you 120 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: act in a certain way that is a self sabotaging behavior. 121 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: And the reason why I stress this almost inability to 122 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:30,439 Speaker 1: stop ourselves is because these behaviors can be conscious or unconscious, 123 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 1: and this kind of depends on our level of self 124 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:39,560 Speaker 1: awareness or I guess denial. This links back to Freud's 125 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 1: initial ideas and conceptualization of self sabotage, whereby he believed 126 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: that the reason we create obstacles for ourselves is because 127 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 1: our subconscious mind, also known as the anti self, interrupts 128 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:58,679 Speaker 1: our logical conscious mind, making them at conflict. For example, 129 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,240 Speaker 1: you may be wanting to treat your body better and 130 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,960 Speaker 1: eat healthier and be more active, but you find yourself 131 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: inexplicably always missing your workouts or eating foods. You know 132 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,680 Speaker 1: what makes you feel good, drinking juice and soft drink 133 00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 1: instead of water, And in those instances, it's because your 134 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:23,400 Speaker 1: logical conscious mind, which is responsible for gold driven behavior, 135 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:28,520 Speaker 1: is being undermined by this anti self, and this anti self, 136 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: this unconscious impulse may stem from us just kind of 137 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: not believing that we deserve the future we're striving for, 138 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 1: or that we deserve to live in a gentle, non 139 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,200 Speaker 1: chaotic environment. And that's one of the deeper I guess 140 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:51,800 Speaker 1: root issues and causes of self sabotage, our internal belief 141 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,959 Speaker 1: system around what we feel we deserve in life, and 142 00:10:56,040 --> 00:11:00,200 Speaker 1: these notions of self punishment and a distorted sense of 143 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: self worth. I think that's why it's so maladaptive. And 144 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:10,200 Speaker 1: another reason we find it difficult to recognize self destructive 145 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,680 Speaker 1: patterns is not just because they are unconscious, but because 146 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,320 Speaker 1: sometimes they are so deeply ingrained and part of the 147 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 1: fabric of society that we don't even blink an eye 148 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 1: or take time to examine what they mean for us 149 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,199 Speaker 1: on an individual level. Something I've realized is that there 150 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,840 Speaker 1: are so many insidious, sometimes invisible behaviors that are actually 151 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: really self destructive, and some of them are socially acceptable 152 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: and encouraged, so we may not always think about them. 153 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: I think of habits like overworking or excessive busyness, but 154 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 1: The biggest one I've been considering a lot recently is 155 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 1: drinking alcohol. I drink alcohol. I love a fun night, 156 00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 1: I love a cheeky croctail, a celebratory drink or too. 157 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:06,319 Speaker 1: But I think recently I've become very sober curious, I 158 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: would say, and I saw this post the other day 159 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: that really solidified this thinking for me, and what it 160 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: said was this alcohol is the only drug that causes 161 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:24,599 Speaker 1: intergenerational trauma that is still socially celebrated and accepted. Alcohol 162 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,359 Speaker 1: is a drug. We often do not think about it 163 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,440 Speaker 1: on the same level as you know, something like cocaine 164 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: or meth. But it is addictive. It impacts our behavior. 165 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 1: It works on our body in a depressant way, much 166 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,160 Speaker 1: like things like valium or a benzodiazepine. And I think 167 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: it is the best example of a socially accessible behavior 168 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,920 Speaker 1: that actually contains an element of self sabotage. And obviously 169 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,319 Speaker 1: it exists on a spectrum ranging from you know, straight 170 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:59,040 Speaker 1: up alcoholism to just consuming excessive alcohol in a way 171 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 1: that it's actually inconsistent with our values or plans, you know, 172 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,880 Speaker 1: being hungover for work or drinking before you know you 173 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 1: have a big day, or that you want to go 174 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,400 Speaker 1: for a run, but society doesn't really seem to have 175 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,680 Speaker 1: a problem with that. It doesn't have a problem with 176 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 1: being drunk or hungover, or using alcohol to celebrate or 177 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 1: even subconsciously numb some internal conflict we're having until it 178 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,400 Speaker 1: crosses over into an area that is socially unacceptable, and 179 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: I really think that line is not all too clear. 180 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: I think the consumption of alcohol is a really good 181 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: example to use here because it highlights a how self 182 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:47,160 Speaker 1: sabotaging is socially acceptable, but be how these behaviors are 183 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 1: also in some ways coping mechanisms. So coping mechanisms in 184 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:57,440 Speaker 1: psychology are these psychological and behavioral responses that we use 185 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:02,559 Speaker 1: to manage stress and emotion or challenging situations. And they 186 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: can be maladaptive, meaning not appropriate for the situation we're in, unhealthy, 187 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: or they can be adaptive. So let's view them in 188 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: the context of self sabotage, in which the coping mechanisms 189 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: we employ are going to be maladaptive because they are 190 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 1: contrary to our conscious goals. For example, when we feel stressed, 191 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,520 Speaker 1: we use alcohol to calm us down, or when we 192 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,880 Speaker 1: are depressed we isolate, when we are facing a major 193 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: work or study deadline. We doom scroll on social media, 194 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: we distract ourselves. All of these things may feel initially 195 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 1: pleasant and useful, but in the long run they are 196 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: actually highly detrimental and they will leave us feeling worse off. 197 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,239 Speaker 1: And a lot of the research into self destructive behaviors 198 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 1: demonstrates that link to unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I want 199 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: to talk now about some of the signs that you 200 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: are a self saboteur, that you are your own worst enemy. 201 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: As we say, recognizing signs of self sabotage is, of course, 202 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,600 Speaker 1: I think an important step in addressing and overcoming these 203 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 1: self defeating behaviors. We've talked a lot about why it 204 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 1: is that they're negative and some of the early and 205 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 1: more current in modern theories around why they exist. But 206 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,960 Speaker 1: what do we need to look out for if you 207 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: think that you are someone who self sabotages? Number one, 208 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,800 Speaker 1: If you always blame others and choose to ignore how 209 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 1: your behavior correlates to an outcome, this demonstrates a lack 210 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: of self awareness around the decisions we make and how 211 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 1: they contribute to our overall happiness and satisfaction in life. 212 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 1: It is very easy to bury our head in the 213 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 1: sand when we feel trapped in a cycle of bad 214 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,760 Speaker 1: decisions and subsequent consequences. But the truth is that you 215 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: are really the captain of your own ship, and blaming 216 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:06,480 Speaker 1: others is just a massive indicator that you may actually 217 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,520 Speaker 1: be self sabotaging because it is a lot easier to 218 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:15,479 Speaker 1: attribute our faults and our mistakes to others than to ourselves, 219 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,240 Speaker 1: and it's all in an effort to protect our self esteem. 220 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: It's also known in psychology as attribution theory. So according 221 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 1: to this theory, we often attribute the causes of events 222 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 1: and outcomes to other people in a way that we 223 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 1: externalize the cause, and we externalize the problem to protect 224 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: our self image, and that is self destructive because it 225 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 1: denies us agency over our lives. It's called this idea 226 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: of an external locus of control. We've spoken about it 227 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 1: on the show before. Essentially, what it comes down to 228 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:58,840 Speaker 1: attribution theory externalizing our problems blaming others is that we 229 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,520 Speaker 1: never feel like we are actually responsible for our lives, 230 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: and that makes it easy to feel like the bad 231 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: things are not our fault, but also that the good 232 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 1: things are all due to luck. And it's part of 233 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:16,480 Speaker 1: the self sabotaging kind of cycle, because we can be 234 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,119 Speaker 1: acting in a way that is entirely unhelpful and entirely 235 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,520 Speaker 1: unuseful and contradictory to our goals, but as long as 236 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,600 Speaker 1: we see it as someone else's problem, we are never 237 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 1: going to change. The second biggest sign I would say 238 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,720 Speaker 1: is choosing to walk away when things get hard. This 239 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:41,120 Speaker 1: demonstrates that you may unconsciously not believe that your goals 240 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,800 Speaker 1: are worth sacrifice, and consequently that you are not worth 241 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:49,480 Speaker 1: the sacrifice. Choosing to stick it out when things get 242 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,160 Speaker 1: tough shows a commitment to your growth. You know, as 243 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 1: we always say on this podcast, you can either be 244 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 1: comfortable or you can choose to grow. And when we 245 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 1: shy away from the nitty gritty of life, we are 246 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,200 Speaker 1: essentially self sabotaging. And this can be explained by too 247 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 1: psychological phenomena, firstly learned helplessness and secondly a fear of failure. 248 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 1: This idea of learned helplessness was developed by Martin Selgeman, 249 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:25,360 Speaker 1: and he came to the idea after he witnessed dogs 250 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,199 Speaker 1: essentially being tied up and sadly abused, and what he 251 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,439 Speaker 1: found was that these dogs would continue to withstand that 252 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,400 Speaker 1: abuse even when they were released and they could run 253 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 1: away or escape, and he drew from that conclusion and 254 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 1: he linked it to the behavior he was observing in humans. 255 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 1: This idea of learned helplessness theory. It suggests that certain 256 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,879 Speaker 1: people may develop a belief that their actions have no 257 00:18:55,040 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: influence or control over challenging situations, or when we repeatedly 258 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:06,159 Speaker 1: encounter difficult or stressful circumstances, we do not see a 259 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 1: positive outcome as possible. They learn to feel helpless. We 260 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:15,359 Speaker 1: learn to disengage from these situations as a coping mechanism, 261 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,080 Speaker 1: and it is a huge sign that you are at 262 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,840 Speaker 1: the end of the day in a cycle of self 263 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,640 Speaker 1: sabotaging and unconsciously you do not believe that you are 264 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,920 Speaker 1: worth the effort, You do not believe that you are 265 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,879 Speaker 1: worth the hard times, and so you kind of just 266 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: walk away when things get tough. The third indicator is 267 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:43,960 Speaker 1: creating problems and conflict in your relationships. This is something 268 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,719 Speaker 1: that I've had to identify and unlearn in my own life. 269 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: In a lot of my past relationships, I've found that 270 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,639 Speaker 1: when things got really good, when I felt really secure, 271 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: there was this part of me that almost felt uncomfortable 272 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 1: with the level of peace and security that I was experiencing. 273 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,120 Speaker 1: You know, I know how to operate when things are hard, 274 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: I know how to operate when things are rocky, and 275 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,359 Speaker 1: I think I find myself inherently more prepared for those 276 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,200 Speaker 1: worst case scenarios. So that is where I feel safe. 277 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: And what that means is that when things are going 278 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: really well in my relationships, it's almost like I don't 279 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 1: know how to be happy, so I would start fights. 280 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 1: I would find something small and I would make it big. 281 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,199 Speaker 1: And I really don't feel ashamed to admit that, because 282 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,840 Speaker 1: it's definitely something I've worked through and I know it's 283 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:42,960 Speaker 1: actually fairly common, but it's also not frequently discussed, and 284 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,200 Speaker 1: that habit both in our romantic relationships and also amongst 285 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:52,119 Speaker 1: family members, amongst colleagues, amongst friends. It's often due to 286 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:58,040 Speaker 1: self destructive tendencies and things like in security, a fear 287 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:05,240 Speaker 1: of intimacy, unresolve emotional issues, and difficulties with control, all 288 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,359 Speaker 1: of which are at the root of self sabotaging. Equally, 289 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: if you keep finding yourself in relationships with the same 290 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: kinds of people, often the repetition of these kinds of 291 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 1: behaviors and the repetition of these choices shows that we 292 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: are not a consciously aware of the decisions we are making, 293 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 1: but there is some part of us that knows we 294 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,440 Speaker 1: are going to be let down, knows we are going 295 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 1: to be disappointed, and allows us to be in that situation. 296 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 1: Another big sign is engaging in negative self talk, talking 297 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,480 Speaker 1: down to ourselves. I think that that is increasingly a 298 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,479 Speaker 1: massive issue in this generation. But also finding that no 299 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 1: matter how committed you are to a goal, you cannot 300 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,359 Speaker 1: follow through. And you know, motivation is in everything. Sometimes 301 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,400 Speaker 1: the reason we can't sustain our commitment to our goals 302 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,679 Speaker 1: is because of this or unconscious element of our ego 303 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:09,639 Speaker 1: which seeks to sabotage our logical, goal oriented behavior. It 304 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 1: is the easiest thing in the world to give up, 305 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,960 Speaker 1: especially when we subconsciously don't believe that we deserve what 306 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,119 Speaker 1: we're after. And it's not always your fault. You know, 307 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 1: no one wants to deliberately fail on a conscious level, 308 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: But it is these factors such as a fear of failure, 309 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 1: a fear of success, and unconscious behaviors that contribute to 310 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,639 Speaker 1: this output and contribute to this pattern. It all comes 311 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 1: back to self sabotage. Obviously, this is just a very 312 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,440 Speaker 1: high level list. We could take this down to such 313 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 1: a granular level depending on the nature of your self 314 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:52,200 Speaker 1: destructive behavior. But I think that last point really brings 315 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,679 Speaker 1: us to what I really see as most valuable in 316 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: this episode. In the most valuable information this episode contain, 317 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 1: which is why do we do this? Why exactly do 318 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:11,520 Speaker 1: we self sabotage? It's such a complicated and nuanced psychological explanation, 319 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: but I think that if we don't understand the reasoning 320 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: and the origins and the causes, there is no way 321 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,720 Speaker 1: that we can address the habit. So I'm so excited 322 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: to get into that right after this break. Undermining our 323 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:35,040 Speaker 1: own success and our future is a habit we need 324 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: to break early, and our twenties are a great time 325 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:42,320 Speaker 1: for that. But I think the first step to conquering 326 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: these tendencies is to understand the origins of self sabotage. 327 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 1: You know, if you don't know the cause of a problem, 328 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 1: you cannot treat it. It's like any disease. You can't 329 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,679 Speaker 1: just treat people for everything hoping you will address the 330 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 1: main problem. And the same case and be said for 331 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 1: self destructive behaviors. So I want to discuss some of 332 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:11,879 Speaker 1: the various psychological explanations that are rooted in the underlying emotional, cognitive, 333 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:19,640 Speaker 1: and behavioral processes that create these habits. Obviously, individual experiences 334 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:23,919 Speaker 1: will all vary, but I would say that these reasons 335 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:28,040 Speaker 1: are the most common. We can't talk about self destructive 336 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: behaviors without talking about our childhood. What we witness and 337 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 1: experience as children has in innate, and I would say, 338 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,800 Speaker 1: very core impact on how we behave and what we 339 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 1: believe as adults, particularly if we were raised in an 340 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: environment of abuse or neglect or of chaos, wherein our 341 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:56,439 Speaker 1: caregivers were inconsistent or didn't meet our primary physical and 342 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,560 Speaker 1: emotional needs. Back in nineteen ninety one, the this group 343 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:05,200 Speaker 1: of researchers, they decided to investigate this correlation, and they 344 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: found that clinical reports suggested that many adults who engage 345 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:14,480 Speaker 1: in self sabotaging had childhood histories of trauma and a 346 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: disrupted attachment style. They also concluded that childhood trauma from 347 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 1: significant abuse to bullying or a divorce, or low school performance, 348 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:31,120 Speaker 1: childhood illness, and emotional neglect, they all contributed to the 349 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: initiation of self destructive behavior, but the lack of a 350 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: secure attachment helped maintain it. So if you were bullied 351 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:45,359 Speaker 1: as a child and you internalized that you deserved to 352 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,760 Speaker 1: be rejected and you deserved to be outcast, but then 353 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,760 Speaker 1: you also didn't have a parent who was willing to 354 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:56,480 Speaker 1: stand up for you, the chances of developing self sabotaging 355 00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,959 Speaker 1: behaviors later on in life is much high. And there 356 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,919 Speaker 1: are also some deeper reasons that are due to this 357 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: unresolved emotional issue, and this unresolved cause of low self esteem, 358 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: unresolved emotional trauma. It injures our core beliefs and identity, 359 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,439 Speaker 1: and the reason behind that is because you feel like 360 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,879 Speaker 1: you are the one to blame and it makes you 361 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:26,639 Speaker 1: feel guilt. We can believe that we are responsible for 362 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: a lot of what we have experienced because no one 363 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 1: has never told us differently, And there's foster's negative core 364 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,280 Speaker 1: beliefs such as that I am unlovable, that I don't 365 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:44,360 Speaker 1: deserve good things, that I am unworthy, and sadly, we 366 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 1: act accordingly in the only way we kind of know how, 367 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:53,439 Speaker 1: which is to confirm those beliefs. This also links to 368 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,600 Speaker 1: low self esteem. In a study conducted in two thousand 369 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,840 Speaker 1: and five. I think it actually was the same group 370 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,200 Speaker 1: of researchers, although I might be wrong, but they undertook 371 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 1: a longitudinal study, which is a type of research in 372 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: which they followed the same group of participants for a 373 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,520 Speaker 1: period of time to study the impact of a single variable. 374 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:16,280 Speaker 1: In this case, it was childhood abuse and neglect, and 375 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:20,199 Speaker 1: they study the impact of that on long term outcomes. 376 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,399 Speaker 1: And what they were exploring was the stability of self 377 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 1: esteem over time and its association with childhood experiences. The 378 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:36,720 Speaker 1: findings indicated that individuals who experienced childhood abuse or trauma 379 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:41,240 Speaker 1: or neglect were more likely to have lower self esteem. 380 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: And when we have lower self esteem, this results in 381 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:49,320 Speaker 1: a lack of belief in ourselves and a continuation of 382 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 1: a series of self fulfilling prophecies. We have never experienced 383 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:58,399 Speaker 1: what it feels like to feel secure and loved and 384 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:03,280 Speaker 1: at peace, because we have only survived in chaos and uncertainty, 385 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:08,880 Speaker 1: and because of our subconscious need for familiarity, we continue 386 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,680 Speaker 1: to act in a way that sustains that environment and experience, 387 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:18,760 Speaker 1: resulting in self sabotage. It's all very I think, unconscious, 388 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 1: and it often occurs even without our voluntary recognition. And 389 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,520 Speaker 1: it also explains why if you have perhaps stated someone 390 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: who was like really unkind to you or really injured 391 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,680 Speaker 1: your self esteem, you have been conditioned and you might 392 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 1: learn once again that you are not worthy, and so 393 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 1: for your brain to feel comfortable in an understanding, it 394 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: continues to self sabotage you. And ultimately all that does is, 395 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: like I said, set up a self fulfilling prophecy that 396 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,480 Speaker 1: matches what these people have continuously told you about yourself. 397 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,400 Speaker 1: I think it's also important to talk about this in 398 00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:59,720 Speaker 1: the sense of a coping mechanism. I know we spoke 399 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: about that before, but we can use some of these 400 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 1: behaviors as a crutch. For example, say we don't believe 401 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:12,360 Speaker 1: in our abilities or we have a fear of failure. Well, 402 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,320 Speaker 1: you are never going to have to fail or completely 403 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: trust in your own skills if you never give yourself 404 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:24,600 Speaker 1: an opportunity to succeed. So, in this way, self destructive 405 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: tendencies protect us from feeling uncomfortable or from injuring our 406 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,840 Speaker 1: self esteem. Procrastination, I think, is a great example of this. 407 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,800 Speaker 1: If you never start, if you never try, you can 408 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,479 Speaker 1: always blame this for your reason for failing. Because if 409 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 1: you actually tried and you failed, that would hurt so 410 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 1: much more. It's a crutch. It's something that you rely 411 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:51,240 Speaker 1: on to protect yourself and make yourself feel better. I 412 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: think about that in the sense of alcohol as well, 413 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 1: and the use of social media, or keeping yourself really busy, 414 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,920 Speaker 1: keep yourself distracted from your problems. I think in this 415 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:08,400 Speaker 1: sense though, with procrastination and with a lot of these things, 416 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:12,680 Speaker 1: it kind of all comes down to this dual fear 417 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 1: of failure but also fear of success. This fear of 418 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:22,600 Speaker 1: success involves being afraid of actually meeting your potential, being 419 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:27,520 Speaker 1: afraid of achievement because you don't want to be admired. 420 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:30,720 Speaker 1: You don't want to have those responsibilities. You don't want 421 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,239 Speaker 1: to be in the spotlight and feel like you are 422 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:37,239 Speaker 1: going to fail. So you avoid what would be a 423 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 1: novel and an uncertain situation by unconsciously ensuring that you 424 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,880 Speaker 1: will never get to the point where you have to 425 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,680 Speaker 1: be seen as successful, where you do actually put yourself 426 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,479 Speaker 1: in a place where you are happy, because you're afraid 427 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 1: of losing that once you achieve it. I think, on 428 00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 1: the other hand, what comes into play here is a 429 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: fear of failure or even rejection, and what that means 430 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: is that we may handicap ourselves to the point where 431 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 1: we never have to be in a situation where it 432 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:12,040 Speaker 1: is even possible for us to succeed. You know, you 433 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:16,160 Speaker 1: can begin to see here how complicated this interaction is, 434 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:21,200 Speaker 1: but also how every person's individual profile and experiences and 435 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:26,680 Speaker 1: history will mean that they act very differently. There have 436 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:32,840 Speaker 1: also been some suggestions in psychology that self sabotage is 437 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: a form of punishment, and if we look at this, 438 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,560 Speaker 1: especially in the context of emotional trauma or low self 439 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,880 Speaker 1: esteem and feeling like we are not good enough because 440 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 1: of what others have told us, we can see why 441 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:53,960 Speaker 1: individuals who carry unresolved guilt or shame from past experiences 442 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: may engage in self sabotage as a way to punish 443 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:03,040 Speaker 1: themselves for their personid wrongdoings or for the behavior that 444 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: they accepted from others. They may believe that they deserve 445 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:13,560 Speaker 1: to suffer or they deserve to face negative consequences, leading 446 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:18,680 Speaker 1: them to self sabotage their own efforts or opportunities because 447 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,560 Speaker 1: they don't really know what it would be like to 448 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,080 Speaker 1: challenge that belief and see what's on the other side. 449 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,520 Speaker 1: Thinking back to some of the signs of these behaviors. 450 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: We spoke a bit about learned helplessness, and I think 451 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,040 Speaker 1: that this is very much an output of that. I 452 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:37,840 Speaker 1: want to give one final reason here around why we 453 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:43,840 Speaker 1: self sabotage that I think is most crucial for people 454 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:49,920 Speaker 1: in their twenties. Self sabotage can often stem from an 455 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:54,320 Speaker 1: unconscious conflict between what we think we want in our 456 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: life and what we actually want. So psychodynamic theories such 457 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:04,880 Speaker 1: as psch you analysis it proposes that self sabotage may 458 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:11,000 Speaker 1: actually arise from an unresolved conflict or unconscious desires that 459 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:15,720 Speaker 1: sabotage our own success or our happiness because we actually 460 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:20,160 Speaker 1: want something else. We may have been told that we 461 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:25,160 Speaker 1: need to desire and want one thing, such as success 462 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:30,000 Speaker 1: and admiration and accolades, but actually at our core, we 463 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,280 Speaker 1: really don't want those things. We want a happy and 464 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,840 Speaker 1: quiet and peaceful life. And because we haven't yet been 465 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:41,760 Speaker 1: able to actually recognize that, because we are consciously pursuing 466 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:47,320 Speaker 1: what we think society wants from us, we silently sabotage 467 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:51,040 Speaker 1: our goals in an effort to actually achieve the outcome 468 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,680 Speaker 1: that we really want. Or when we think about this 469 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 1: in the sense of a romantic connection or a relationship. 470 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,680 Speaker 1: Maybe deep down you know that this person is not 471 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:04,400 Speaker 1: right for you. You know that you do not want 472 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: to be with this person, so subconsciously you undermine the relationship, 473 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 1: You start conflict, You sabotage it in hope that they 474 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:18,080 Speaker 1: will leave you and your problem will be resolved. None 475 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:22,759 Speaker 1: of this is obviously pleasant or desirable or ideal, especially 476 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 1: in our twenties, when we want to achieve our goals. 477 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,799 Speaker 1: We want to be happy in our relationships. We want 478 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,759 Speaker 1: to be making the right decisions and be fulfilled, and 479 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,600 Speaker 1: as we said before, we want to have agency over 480 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: our decisions. So how do we stop? How do we 481 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:40,799 Speaker 1: break the cycle of being our own worst enemy? I 482 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,960 Speaker 1: think it starts with self awareness, And yes, I know 483 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 1: that is very broad, but let me explain a bit further. 484 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:53,279 Speaker 1: These habits and actions which contradict our conscious goals are 485 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:57,680 Speaker 1: very much internal, and they have an unconscious basis, but 486 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,520 Speaker 1: they also show up very tangibly. So it's about being 487 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:06,680 Speaker 1: able to recognize those cues from your environment and from 488 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: what's happening in your life that the way you are 489 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 1: acting is perhaps not efficient or productive. Pay attention to 490 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:22,040 Speaker 1: those patterns of self sabotage and identify the triggers, the thoughts, 491 00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:27,600 Speaker 1: and the emotions that precede these behaviors. I think becoming 492 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:31,680 Speaker 1: aware of the underlying reasons behind you know, behind why 493 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:35,319 Speaker 1: you self sabotage is the first step in addressing them. So, 494 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:39,880 Speaker 1: for example, if you find that you only ever engage 495 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:44,080 Speaker 1: in indecisiveness, or you distract yourself, or you isolate when 496 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:47,520 Speaker 1: you are feeling really overwhelmed, it may be because of 497 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:52,239 Speaker 1: these unconscious beliefs about your capabilities and that maybe you 498 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:55,480 Speaker 1: don't deserve good things, you don't deserve to work hard, 499 00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,000 Speaker 1: or you don't deserve to properly rest. All of it 500 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:01,960 Speaker 1: I think comes from beliefs that we have about ourselves 501 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:05,600 Speaker 1: and what we deserve, and by addressing those, we addressed 502 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:09,399 Speaker 1: the behavior that stems from that. I think also part 503 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:14,720 Speaker 1: of that is challenging negative beliefs. Examining and challenging those 504 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,759 Speaker 1: things that you hold about yourself, those ideas that you 505 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:22,320 Speaker 1: have about yourself, such as feeling unworthy or fearing success, 506 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 1: is really valuable here. You want to replace those negative beliefs, 507 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:30,520 Speaker 1: which are the origins of self sabotage, with more positive 508 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:34,319 Speaker 1: and realistic ones. And a main way that we do 509 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:39,120 Speaker 1: this is through cognitive behavior therapy CBT. We talk about 510 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 1: this all the time. Essentially, the basis of this method 511 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,040 Speaker 1: or this practice is by challenging our cognitions such as 512 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:50,279 Speaker 1: I do not deserve happiness, we change our behavior. So 513 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:55,960 Speaker 1: it's about looking at what are those thoughts and challenging them. 514 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,239 Speaker 1: What is the evidence for our unworthiness? What is the 515 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:02,880 Speaker 1: evidence for needing to feel guilty about good things happening? 516 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:06,359 Speaker 1: What is the evidence around this idea that we can't 517 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:09,200 Speaker 1: be happy? When you look at the evidence for those 518 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:12,200 Speaker 1: and you manage them in an objective rather than a 519 00:37:12,239 --> 00:37:17,719 Speaker 1: subjective manner, you get to change your behavioral outputs. The 520 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:20,319 Speaker 1: other thing is to build healthy coping strategies. You want 521 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:24,600 Speaker 1: to replace those self destructive behaviors with healthier ones. Engaging 522 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,440 Speaker 1: in activities that promote self care, that promote reducing your 523 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:34,560 Speaker 1: stress and improving your emotional wellbeing, like exercise, like mindfulness, journaling, 524 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:39,800 Speaker 1: or engaging in hobbies you enjoy will break the habit 525 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,480 Speaker 1: of going to what you believe is most convenient, which 526 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:46,360 Speaker 1: is the behaviors that actually undermine your success. And I 527 00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:52,560 Speaker 1: think the final element of this is around accountability. Often 528 00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:57,160 Speaker 1: we do not consciously realize when something is a problem, 529 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,799 Speaker 1: but there are people in our lives who who do so. 530 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,759 Speaker 1: Reaching out to your family, your friends, or a therapist 531 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:10,200 Speaker 1: even who can provide support and guidance and accountability is 532 00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:15,239 Speaker 1: so valuable here. I think you really need people who 533 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:18,160 Speaker 1: are going to be honest with you and like, trust me, 534 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:22,799 Speaker 1: tough love is such a blessing sometimes. I remember when 535 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,400 Speaker 1: I was maybe like nineteen or twenty, I kept dating 536 00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:30,480 Speaker 1: these awful people who were all the same. They were 537 00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,600 Speaker 1: like a copy and paste version of each other. And 538 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:36,479 Speaker 1: one of my friends was like, Gemma, just in case 539 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,279 Speaker 1: you don't see it, Literally, every single one of these 540 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:42,280 Speaker 1: men is exactly the same, and you are just putting 541 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:45,480 Speaker 1: yourself in the same situation again and again. And it 542 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:50,319 Speaker 1: was self sabotage. I didn't think I deserved real, deep love, 543 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: and I was reinforcing that implicit belief I had about 544 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:59,840 Speaker 1: myself by dating people who I knew would never challenge that, 545 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:03,600 Speaker 1: and who I knew would confirm what I thought was 546 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,719 Speaker 1: intrinsic and innate about myself. It was a bit of 547 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:10,200 Speaker 1: a rude awakening, I will say, but I think we 548 00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:14,360 Speaker 1: all need people in our lives who aren't afraid to 549 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:18,840 Speaker 1: be honest and keep us accountable in a compassionate manner. 550 00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,360 Speaker 1: I think there is a difference between someone being like, 551 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,800 Speaker 1: oh my god, you always make such stupid decisions. That's 552 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,239 Speaker 1: just like entirely unhelpful. There's a difference between that and 553 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,239 Speaker 1: someone being like, Hey, I just want to flag this 554 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:35,120 Speaker 1: with you, that you said that drinking makes you feel uncomfortable, 555 00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,719 Speaker 1: and that drinking is taking away from your goals, and 556 00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,520 Speaker 1: that you would much rather spend that time focused on 557 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:44,319 Speaker 1: yourself or in bed or meditating or doing something non 558 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 1: alcohol related. And I can see that you're not really 559 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: following that goal that you had for yourself. I think 560 00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:55,480 Speaker 1: that's really valuable having people who love you enough and 561 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:59,239 Speaker 1: care about you enough to actually remember what you want 562 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,560 Speaker 1: from your life, remember your goals, and who will tell 563 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:06,640 Speaker 1: you when you are perhaps self sabotaging. So I think 564 00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:09,560 Speaker 1: those are some of the main strategies that I've adopted 565 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,920 Speaker 1: and that I think we should all adopt if we 566 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:16,399 Speaker 1: come to recognize that our pattern of decisions and our 567 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:21,719 Speaker 1: habits are actually not entirely aligned to the lifestyle and 568 00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,520 Speaker 1: the life we want to lead. I will say it 569 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:29,920 Speaker 1: one final time. This is entirely normal. Self sabotage is, 570 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,839 Speaker 1: I think something a lot of us have to come 571 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:37,000 Speaker 1: to recognize. I would really encourage you to look at 572 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:42,240 Speaker 1: your life and try and identify what behaviors don't really 573 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:46,320 Speaker 1: align with your higher self or your long term goals, 574 00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:50,080 Speaker 1: or the kind of the life that you want, or 575 00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:53,640 Speaker 1: what you want from your emotional wellbeing or your mental state. 576 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:58,440 Speaker 1: Is there something that you are doing, perhaps unconsciously, that 577 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:02,520 Speaker 1: is not how hopeful I think when we take time 578 00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,759 Speaker 1: to reflect and to sit with our decisions and think 579 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:10,040 Speaker 1: about them consciously, often it's like a Pandora's box. We 580 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:15,239 Speaker 1: suddenly reveal so many like dark habits and like unconscious 581 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,359 Speaker 1: behaviors that we didn't even realize we were performing as 582 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:22,520 Speaker 1: an act of self sabotage. So I really hope that 583 00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:26,080 Speaker 1: this has been useful and that you have learnt something. 584 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:28,840 Speaker 1: I always say this. I know I sound like a 585 00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:33,360 Speaker 1: broken record, but like I really needed to like investigate this. 586 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:36,880 Speaker 1: I was talking to my friends around self sabotage in 587 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,719 Speaker 1: our own lives, and I was like, holy shit, Like 588 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,280 Speaker 1: there has been a lot of things I've been doing recently, 589 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:43,840 Speaker 1: a lot of negative self talk, a lot of behaviors, 590 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:47,160 Speaker 1: a lot of actions that are actually really contradictory with 591 00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,279 Speaker 1: the life I want to want to lead. So I 592 00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,959 Speaker 1: really hope that maybe that's something that you are looking 593 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,680 Speaker 1: out for now as well. Obviously it's okay to face 594 00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:59,400 Speaker 1: set backs, it's okay to be indecisive and to sometimes 595 00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,560 Speaker 1: have those parts of you that you don't love, but 596 00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:04,239 Speaker 1: being conscious of them is such a step in the 597 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,000 Speaker 1: right direction. If there is someone who you think needs 598 00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:11,320 Speaker 1: to hear this, send it to them, obviously, with compassion, 599 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,120 Speaker 1: like my friend did for me. You never know who 600 00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:17,799 Speaker 1: will help out. And if you found this episode helpful, 601 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,680 Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on 602 00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:24,640 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, if you, 603 00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:27,359 Speaker 1: of course feel called to do so. It really makes 604 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,160 Speaker 1: my day, helps the show grow and reach new people, 605 00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:32,919 Speaker 1: And it's just a small thing I think you can 606 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,360 Speaker 1: do to I don't know, maybe make me feel encouraged, 607 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: Maybe just share on the love, share on some of 608 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:43,200 Speaker 1: the positive things in life. And as always, if you 609 00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:46,080 Speaker 1: have an episode suggestion, or if you just want to 610 00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:47,880 Speaker 1: be in touch, if you want to be part of 611 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:50,360 Speaker 1: the community, see what episodes are coming out, See some 612 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:53,920 Speaker 1: video clips from these episodes. Please follow me at that 613 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:57,000 Speaker 1: Psychology Podcast on Instagram. I'd love to see you over 614 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 1: the Come and say hi, and we will be back 615 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,960 Speaker 1: next week with another episode, so I will see you 616 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:03,399 Speaker 1: then