WEBVTT - Mid-Week Mom Chat: Mom Guilt. 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:07.160 Hey, friends, So this this um midweek mom chat is 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:14.800 all about mom guilt. And I am having this conversation 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:19.079 because I never knew how real it was until I 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:25.040 became a mom. And I've been someone who has always 0:00:25.040 --> 0:00:27.720 beat myself up. I don't know if you guys are 0:00:27.760 --> 0:00:31.720 that way, but like, I've always beat myself up about perfectionism, 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:39.360 doing everything right, UM, acting right, looking right, living right, 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:42.720 trying to eat right. I had if y'all listened to 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:46.240 my one about eating disorders and um diets, like, I've 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:49.680 always tried to just figure out a way to be 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:54.400 perfect and in physical appearance. I've also mentally all I have. 0:00:54.600 --> 0:00:59.720 I've always struggled with really intense negative self talk. UM. 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:00.920 I don't don't know if any of you all have 0:01:01.120 --> 0:01:04.640 struggled with that, but I until I started realizing that 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:06.919 I had this voice in my head that was talking 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:10.200 to me, I didn't even know how hard I was 0:01:10.240 --> 0:01:13.240 on myself. I beat myself up a lot. If I 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:15.400 feel like I've made a mistake or done something wrong 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:20.880 or potentially offended someone, I can just just go to 0:01:20.880 --> 0:01:23.280 town on beating myself up. In my head. I can't 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:28.199 let it go, um, I tell myself that I'm done 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:31.720 a terrible thing, that people don't like me, even if 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.920 I haven't done anything wrong at all, which I haven't, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:36.680 because I do not go out in the world and 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:39.480 try to hurt people's feelings or do wrong things like 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:42.880 that's not my personality, Like I'm not a malicious person. 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:46.200 And so myself talk though, lies to me all the 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.320 time and tells me that I had have done terrible 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:53.080 things and that people don't like me, and that I 0:01:53.120 --> 0:01:56.880 need to beat myself up because I'm like a just 0:01:56.920 --> 0:01:59.360 an unworthy person and that all stems back to my 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:02.560 unworthiness us that I have struggled with that. I think 0:02:02.600 --> 0:02:07.280 a lot of people struggle with. Um. I'm going to 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:12.160 be drinking coffee during this mom chat because it's Saturday 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.040 morning and I'm having a cappuccino, So I'm sorry, I'm 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:16.080 gonna taking SIPs of coffee. I would love for yotta 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:19.720 have coffee with me. That's another thing I felt guilty 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:24.720 about drinking coffee now that I'm breastfeeding, because the caffeine 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:29.040 goes to sunny and so I will not drink coffee 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:34.480 until the second I'm done breastfeeding or pumping. I have 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:37.760 like a two hour window until I pump or breastfeed again, 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:40.160 and that's the only time I'll let myself drink coffee. 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:43.200 Where if you look on all the research and all 0:02:43.200 --> 0:02:48.600 the boards out there, like the boards of the the experts, 0:02:48.600 --> 0:02:50.360 whoever they are, I don't know what they're they're called, 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:53.160 they tell you can have three cups of coffee a day. 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:56.200 I still feel guilty drinking a cup of coffee. Every 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:57.679 time I drink a cup of coffee, I feel guilt 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:03.440 about it because I feel like I am intentionally choosing 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:08.560 myself over sunny. And I know that sounds crazy, but 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:12.200 that is how I really feel, and I feel. I mean, 0:03:12.240 --> 0:03:14.359 I'm you all know, I'm so hormonial. I'll probably cry 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:17.280 a little bit. But like, my biggest struggle in my 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:19.200 whole life is that I'm doing the wrong thing and 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:20.959 I'm not worthy and I'm not good enough and I'm 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:23.160 not perfect. And I've worked on that a lot, and 0:03:23.200 --> 0:03:25.800 I think a lot of people deal with that. And 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:31.480 I've been able to move on from those crippling feelings 0:03:31.480 --> 0:03:34.079 within myself because I've worked on it with him myself, 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:37.600 and I know that those that I that those thoughts 0:03:37.640 --> 0:03:40.440 aren't true. But now that I am responsible for Sunny, 0:03:41.320 --> 0:03:45.080 and I feel like everything I do affects her because 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:49.200 she's literally living off of me. She's eating milk from me, 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.960 and so everything I put in my body that could 0:03:53.000 --> 0:03:56.080 affect her I beat myself up over. So if I 0:03:56.120 --> 0:04:00.560 have a glass of wine I've had I've drank several 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:03.680 times since Sonny has been born. Even if I do 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:06.200 the test strips and it's fine, it comes out clear 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.040 most of the time, I will still pump and dump 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:11.680 that session of wine. Even if, like I put the 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:15.320 strip in there that tested for if there's alcohol in 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:17.080 the milk, and even if it comes back no, which 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:20.279 it always does, I will still throw that milk away 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:24.760 because I feel like I have to punish myself that God, 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:27.200 imnn have a therapy session we all right now. I 0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:31.720 feel like I have to punish myself because I did 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:34.520 something that was not in her best interests that could 0:04:34.600 --> 0:04:38.359 hurt her, and so I need to throw away that 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:43.760 milk and turn like that is my punishment for choosing me, 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:46.560 choosing something that I wanted to do that was not 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.880 in her best interests. And I really struggle with that, 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:52.359 Like I do feel like I have to punish myself, 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:55.800 like if I do something that is not in her 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:59.400 best interest, I just beat myself up over it, Like 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:01.400 even this car feel like I feel like, Okay, I 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.280 need to get this down in the next twenty minutes, 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:07.440 because then that's my window. I have like another hour 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:09.320 and a half two hours until she feeds again, and 0:05:09.360 --> 0:05:15.880 so I need to get her down. I feel so 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:20.479 much guilt about, oh God, just everything I do. And 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:25.320 I don't know if you'll struggle with that. So I 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:27.200 want to talk about mom guilt. How do we move 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:30.279 through mom guilt? How do we get to the point 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:34.280 where you're like, Okay, I know what I'm doing is 0:05:34.839 --> 0:05:38.839 not going to harm my baby. I am taking the 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:43.839 correct steps to make sure she is safe. If I 0:05:43.880 --> 0:05:47.560 have coffee, it's been approved that by many doctors, many 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:51.360 studies that you can have coffee. So let that go, Caroline. 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:54.640 Don't beat yourself up over it. It's okay to enjoy 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:59.320 the pleasures of life on a responsible level. I don't 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:03.560 have to keep money in a bubble. I also feel 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:10.640 that because I had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy, 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:13.719 I have and I and also just being a mom, 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:17.440 I have a constant fear of losing her and I'm 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:19.480 just speaking this out loud because I want this fear 0:06:19.520 --> 0:06:23.520 to leave me. I have a constant fear that I'm 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:25.600 gonna lose her, And I think maybe moms feel that 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:29.200 in general, but I feel responsible, like I guess like 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:32.279 because I had a miscarriage or something, it did something 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:35.440 to my mind, like I was the reason, like my 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:40.040 body couldn't keep the baby, or like something I did 0:06:41.000 --> 0:06:44.359 made me miscarry, And so that's why I had a 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:49.120 very anxious pregnancy. I was so worried that everything I 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:52.719 was gonna do was gonna make me lose her, and 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.560 so like I would beat myself up. I didn't exercise, 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:59.040 Like my kind of college just gave me permission to exercise. 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:02.280 She's like a very good for you to exercise, Like 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:04.760 all that is healthy for you and the baby. It'll 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:06.960 make your your delivery better and all this. And like 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:10.120 I didn't do anything but walk because I was so 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:13.200 scared that if I exercise too much, I was gonna 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:16.880 lose her. I only drink decaf coffee, even though they 0:07:16.880 --> 0:07:21.240 said you could have regular coffee, Like I literally was 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:23.360 a nervous trek. One time my dog jumped on me 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:25.880 and like hit me hard in the stomach. I had 0:07:25.960 --> 0:07:28.240 a full blown anxiety tech. I had to lay on 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:30.240 the floor and like deep breathe for like half an 0:07:30.240 --> 0:07:33.560 hour because I was so scared that like it would 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:37.600 kill her. Like I don't know why my mind runs 0:07:37.680 --> 0:07:42.400 so out of control. I think it's because now I 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:49.600 have this precious, precious, innocent life that is fully dependent 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:52.160 on me, and I have never been one who has 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:54.600 been able to really trust myself all the way. Like, 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.280 and it's funny because a lot of people will send 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:59.840 me messages and be like You're so inspiring, like, thank 0:07:59.880 --> 0:08:02.320 you so much for being real, thank you so much 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.880 for always sharing the truth. But like, I'm going to 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:08.960 be honest with you guys, I am real and I 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:13.120 share the truth because I am so like not trusting 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:14.880 of myself a lot of the time, Like I am 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:19.600 asking you guys to tell me your stories because I 0:08:19.640 --> 0:08:23.720 need validation then I'm doing okay because I have so 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:26.160 much fear that I'm not doing it right. And that 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:28.200 has been my biggest struggle in my whole life. So 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:30.480 like I think that's why I probably started this podcast, 0:08:31.080 --> 0:08:34.080 why I'm so willing to share my truth on Instagram 0:08:34.160 --> 0:08:38.880 and instant stories, because I need to know that I'm 0:08:38.920 --> 0:08:42.160 doing it okay, because I have so much doubt that 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:43.960 I'm going to do it wrong and then I'm going 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:47.040 to mess up and that I'm I don't know. It's 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:50.520 almost like I need just the validation that Okay, yeah, 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:52.959 it's okay, you're doing it good, like you're you're worthy, 0:08:53.559 --> 0:08:56.839 You're not going to mess up yourself, You're not hurting 0:08:56.880 --> 0:08:59.760 your daughter. Here's my tips, here's what I did, like, 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:03.000 this is safe, this isn't like. And I started my 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:06.320 podcast because like I was when I was in music 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:08.760 and when I was trying to get into the entertainment industry, 0:09:09.240 --> 0:09:11.040 I never felt like I was good enough. And so 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:14.920 starting this podcast and getting to hear people's stories of 0:09:15.559 --> 0:09:19.760 their failures and their insecurities, it gave me the confidence 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:23.000 to realize, oh my gosh, we are all in this together. 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:25.840 We all have struggles, we all have failed, we all 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:28.360 have insecurities. No one has it together. Even these people 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:30.360 that we put on pedestals, like I had put them 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:33.480 on pedestals, I'm like, they're perfect, They've never had an issue. 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:36.840 Then I got to interview them and they shared their 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:39.559 heart and soul, and I'm realizing, oh, my gosh, like 0:09:40.000 --> 0:09:42.520 I was being so hard on myself, thinking I had 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:46.440 to be so perfect and have it together because nobody does. 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:51.080 And that's what my podcast has done for me. Like 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:53.640 you guys have told me that it has really helped you, 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:55.719 but like in the same way it has helped you, 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:58.440 it has helped me because it has given me the 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:02.760 clarity that we are all just struggling to do the 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:05.280 best that we can, and we have to make choices 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:10.280 every day to move through whatever situation we're doubt, whether 0:10:10.320 --> 0:10:12.440 we feel like we're the biggest loser in the world 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:16.160 and our whole life has exploded in our face. We 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:20.320 have to know that we can bounce back, that we 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:24.400 can learn from that that nothing is a failure if 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.600 we choose to use it as a growing tool, if 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:31.040 we choose to take a lesson from it. And that 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.160 is what I have learned from my podcast interviewing all 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:36.480 these incredible people. I have learned so many people have 0:10:36.679 --> 0:10:40.200 quote unquote failed, have hit the bottom, whether it be 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:45.640 with a career, a divorce, um a physical ailment, like 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:48.120 whether you have a condition in your body that takes 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:52.040 you down, like can't overcoming cancer, addiction, whatever it is 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:57.360 that feels so huge and so insurmountable that we will 0:10:57.400 --> 0:11:00.760 never recover. The people on my podcast that I have 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:05.640 interviewed have recovered from these huge tragedies that we call 0:11:05.679 --> 0:11:11.480 in life and losing a child. Um. The people people 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:14.280 I have interviewed on this podcast have found faith again, 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:16.480 have found a way to live again, have found a 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:20.240 way to keep going. And that is so inspiring to 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:24.320 me because life is so overwhelming and it is so 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:28.280 hard sometimes to not beat ourselves up and not think 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:30.640 that we have to be perfect and not feel like 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:32.520 we're not doing good enough and not feel like we're 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:34.640 not worthy enough. And now that I have a child, 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:36.680 oh my gosh, it's on such a bigger level for 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.800 me because as soon as I get cocky and I 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:42.160 think like, oh, I've done therapy, I've done my work. 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:45.240 I am good, like my self talk is good. I 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:49.480 am feeling strong. I feel like connected to God and 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.360 connected to myself, and I have grace for myself and 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:55.840 I'm learning and oh my god, then here comes the 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:59.040 next huge life lesson to learn, and for me that 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:01.719 has been becoming a mother. There, like it started with pregnancy, 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:07.200 like learning to have faith and move through all of 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:10.760 my fears with pregnancy and trust, and now that I 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:13.640 have Sonny and now that I'm breastfeeding her, every single 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:15.880 thing that I put in my body, I beat myself 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:19.360 up over it if it's not perfect like ecatology, coffee, wine, 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:25.040 all that, and I just feel like I have to 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:31.440 learn the lesson that if I am making responsible choices, 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:36.679 I have Sonny's best interests at heart, I am not 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:41.320 doing anything that is going to hurt her. Yes, like 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:44.800 it would be better if I didn't drink caffeine, But 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:46.559 I'm telling you what, when you have a newborn and 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:48.960 cheese up every three hours and you don't get any 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:50.720 sleep for two months, like you've got to have a 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:53.640 cup of caffeine, like and that's okay. To make that 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.640 responsible choice, then I have to like let myself know 0:12:57.400 --> 0:13:02.199 that that's okay. And it's just I beat myself up 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:05.240 when I when I pick me, I guess And so 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.280 that is what mom guilt is for me. I'm learning 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:15.640 right now when I pick me over her. But then 0:13:15.679 --> 0:13:17.440 I have to break it down and I'm like, I'm 0:13:17.480 --> 0:13:21.360 not picking me in an irresponsible way, like I'm I'm 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:23.559 picking me when I'm still picking her because I'm not 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:29.720 picking a choice that is dangerous for her, even though yes, 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.200 if I could just eat only fruits and vegetables and 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:38.319 farm fresh, farm to table meats, that's the that would 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:42.560 probably be the best for her. But I mean, I'm 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:44.880 not going to eat perfectly, like everything in America is 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.959 basically processed. Like I'm gonna go to a restaurant and 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:50.120 I'm gonna probably get some MSG in my food and 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:52.760 that's going to transfer to her. It's just like, gosh, 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:55.080 you can fall down a rabbit hole of just like 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:59.120 analyzing and worrying about every single little thing you do. 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:03.480 But this earth is flawed, like we are not living 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:07.120 in a perfectly clean, flawless earth, and like for me 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:10.480 to feel like I have to be flawless for her 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:16.240 is so much pressure. I'm gonna cry. It's so much pressure, 0:14:16.320 --> 0:14:21.160 and like we can't do that, we can't succeed at 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:24.200 that because we are flawed humans. This world is flawed. 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.720 And like I'm learning that as a mom, like I 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:30.800 cannot be myself up that I am not perfect, Like 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:35.440 I'm not. That's it, Like I'm I'm gonna mess up. 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:38.080 I'm gonna make the wrong choice and I'm gonna have 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:41.280 to forgive myself because I know that I'm never going 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:44.240 to choose it intentionally. I'm never going to do anything 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:49.960 to hurt her, but I'm going to make decisions that 0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:52.960 aren't that. I mean, I have to make choices in 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:57.760 this in this life, and she's gonna be exposed to 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:01.040 the world, which is I mean, welcome to this world. 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:03.360 Like sometimes I sit down and I look at her 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:05.520 and I cry over her, and I'm like, oh gosh, 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.760 this world is so brutal. Like there's so much in 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:10.920 this world that you're gonna have to experience. It's gonna 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:14.560 hurt you, that it is going to break your heart. 0:15:14.720 --> 0:15:17.760 But yet here you are. You're here, you came here, 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:20.640 and you're having your own experience in this life. And 0:15:20.680 --> 0:15:23.160 you're gonna have to learn lessons and I don't know 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:25.120 what they are, and oh my gosh, my heart already 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:28.160 breaks that you have to have these lessons. But like, 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:30.480 that's what makes us human, that's what makes us grow, 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:32.640 that's what makes us who we are as these lessons. 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:36.680 Like I look back on my life and the most 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:42.400 valuable experiences for me are my sometimes my most painful 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:45.120 moments when I really hit the bottom, when I really 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:48.400 was broken down, when I really had my heartbroken, when 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:53.520 I really felt lost. Those moments have defined me. Those 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:56.000 moments I wouldn't trade for the world because I was 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:59.200 able to rebuild myself. I was able to find myself. 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:03.200 I was able to drip away all of the um 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:08.480 layers of ego that I had put on myself. Like 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:10.760 you know, we put all we we gather all of 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:15.040 these coats of validation, like we like, let's picture it 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.800 like clothing, Like we are ourselves and all of these 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.720 these clothes, these fine, fancy clothes, and like we start 0:16:21.760 --> 0:16:25.520 to believe that we are a Gucci bag, or that 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:29.760 we are um this beautiful leather jacket, or that we 0:16:29.840 --> 0:16:34.920 are like stepping out into the world like looking so 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.000 good and like nothing can break us down. And then 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:39.160 oh my gosh, you get broken down and you lose 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:42.960 your Versace bag, you lose your fancy leather coat, like 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:45.360 all of a sudden, you are stripped naked and you 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:50.240 are having to be exposed of who you are to 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:55.520 the core. And those moments are brutal, but man, they're 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.920 important because we've got to learn how to live without 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:02.000 all of our armor that we put on us. Because 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:04.119 it's not who we are if we can't get to 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:07.400 the core of who we are without all these things 0:17:07.920 --> 0:17:12.080 that we attached to ourselves, like oh, Like for me, 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:14.560 it was like when I first got to Nashville, I 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.040 was like, Oh, I'm in a band that is with 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:20.800 Loretta Lynn's granddaughter and John Wayne's granddaughter, and we have 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:25.680 a record deal with Paul Whorley, who produced the Dixie Chicks, 0:17:25.720 --> 0:17:28.960 and we are also signed with Sony, and like I 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:34.520 needed to have those stamps of approval, of names of 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:37.359 validation so I could tell people that, look at me, 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.160 I'm worthy. These people believe in me, think I'm worth it. 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:44.560 And then it can't like I got Amazing Race, and 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:46.399 it's like, oh, I've been on a TV show. I 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:49.240 was on the Amazing Race. Look at me like a 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:51.800 TV show things I'm worthy enough to put me on 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:54.560 a show, Like I'm good enough. Like I needed to 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:57.639 tell people that I was on that show because it 0:17:57.680 --> 0:18:00.000 made me feel like, oh, look at me, I'm worthy. 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:03.960 And then I mean, the list goes on and on 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:12.080 about just like what I have needed for validation. Then 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.800 you get to a point where it all falls apart 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:19.239 and the guy ended up losing my record deal, and 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.439 then the amazing race was over and I didn't have 0:18:22.480 --> 0:18:24.600 the next move and I didn't know what my next 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.080 career goal was, and like you have to rebuild, and 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:30.840 it's just like those moments of hitting the bottom of 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:37.399 not having anything of a praiseworthy of validation, worthy of um, 0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:38.879 I don't know, just like you have to look at 0:18:38.880 --> 0:18:42.280 yourself and be like, Okay, I have to find the 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:45.640 love for myself and know that I am good enough 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:50.520 just as me, just for being alive, just for being 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:55.560 put on this earth, just for my heart, just for 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:59.360 my soul. I have to know that because I'm here 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.399 on this earth earth, born into the life that I 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:06.840 am born into, that I have nothing to do with 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:11.480 that I was born into this specific life, these specific circumstances, 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:16.000 this specific journey, at this specific time, and because of 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:23.040 all of these factors, I can no longer complain feel unworthy, 0:19:23.280 --> 0:19:26.520 feel like I'm not good enough because God put me 0:19:26.600 --> 0:19:31.520 here in this spot, in this body, in this soul, 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:34.800 in this life, in these circumstances. This is where I 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:39.199 was placed. So it is no accident, and I have 0:19:39.400 --> 0:19:42.960 got to take full ownership of where I am in 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:47.479 my life. I have got to know that God loves me, 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:50.600 and I am just as valuable as someone who I 0:19:50.680 --> 0:19:52.960 may have on a pedestal, who I think is so 0:19:53.000 --> 0:19:56.840 important and so perfect. I am just as valuable because 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:59.320 we are all the same. We're all straight from heaven. 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:01.840 We're all souls that were sitting here straight from heaven, 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:05.240 and we are all putting circumstances and situations to learn 0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:07.840 lessons to evolve to become who we were meant to be. 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:09.800 And I feel like we know who were meant to 0:20:09.840 --> 0:20:13.600 be because in our hearts we feel drawn towards things 0:20:13.640 --> 0:20:16.919 like you feel a call towards something, even like with 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:21.080 a career, like I always felt called towards the entertainment industry, 0:20:21.480 --> 0:20:24.000 but like my sister were from the same parents, she 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:26.720 never felt called towards that. She always was like called 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:29.119 towards the more school side, being like more of like 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:33.879 a lawyer type, organizing, being in charge like a schedules encounters, 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:36.320 and like being so good at like running businesses. Like 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:39.159 that's where she felt more drawn. And it's just like 0:20:39.240 --> 0:20:42.399 some people feel drawn to become a doctor. Some people 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:45.000 feel drawn to take a backpack and travel the world. 0:20:45.080 --> 0:20:47.520 Some people feel drawn to start a landscaping business. Some 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:50.520 people feel drawn to be a cook, or some people 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:52.800 feel drawn to go to pharmaceutical school. I don't know 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:56.760 what makes you feel drawn to do something, but we 0:20:56.920 --> 0:21:01.640 all feel drawn towards something. And that's the same reason 0:21:01.640 --> 0:21:03.679 that you're drawn towards certain people, like you have a 0:21:03.680 --> 0:21:07.520 connection with certain people like those people. We all we 0:21:07.560 --> 0:21:11.200 are specifically drawn towards certain things because it is our destiny. 0:21:11.640 --> 0:21:14.040 And so I feel like you just have to follow 0:21:14.240 --> 0:21:18.280 your heart, follow your destiny, and let yourself go where 0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:20.720 you're drawn, because that is why we came here. And 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:23.320 we did not come here to have a flawless experience. 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:26.520 We came here to learn, to grow, to evolve, and 0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:28.879 the only way we can learn and grow and evolve 0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:31.560 is through these hard lessons. And that is just the 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:34.000 truth of it. And it sucks, like when you're in 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:36.480 the middle of it, it sucks like it feels awful, 0:21:36.760 --> 0:21:40.640 It hurts um. We feel lost, we feel like a loser, 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:44.359 we feel insignificant, We feel like everyone else has it 0:21:44.359 --> 0:21:49.080 figured out so much more than we do. We feel 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:51.040 like we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're 0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:56.560 not smart enough, we're not worthy enough. It's all freaking bullshit, Okay, 0:21:57.119 --> 0:21:59.320 And I'm telling myself this because the other struggles I 0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:02.919 struggle with and mom guilt is on a whole new 0:22:03.000 --> 0:22:05.800 level because now it's not just about me. Now it's 0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:15.200 about Sonny. And I can't live my life hating myself 0:22:15.240 --> 0:22:17.919 for every little thing that I think I've done wrong 0:22:18.000 --> 0:22:20.560 when I know I have her best intentions at heart 0:22:20.600 --> 0:22:29.000 and I'm not doing anything irresponsible. But it is so hard, 0:22:30.640 --> 0:22:34.360 and I'm just getting started. And I know that I'm 0:22:34.400 --> 0:22:40.760 going to struggle with this mm hmm. And I know 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:46.200 that my faith is going to have to be strengthened 0:22:46.240 --> 0:22:49.160 so much because the only way I can move through 0:22:49.200 --> 0:22:51.600 these things is to give it to God. And today 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:54.840 I was struggling with some mom guilt. Just I mean, 0:22:55.200 --> 0:22:58.640 I just I'm also still hormonal, but I just hit 0:22:58.680 --> 0:23:02.439 my knees and I pray to God to take it away, 0:23:02.800 --> 0:23:09.200 and I said, Dear God, please, No, my heart was pure. No, 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:14.400 I did not make I'm not making decisions to ever 0:23:14.480 --> 0:23:19.320 hurt Sonny. I'm being responsible. I am always trying to 0:23:19.440 --> 0:23:22.760 choose her, but when it comes, when I choose me, 0:23:22.840 --> 0:23:24.440 when I do things for me, and I know, like 0:23:24.920 --> 0:23:27.440 even mom struggle this with like mom's who work. When 0:23:27.440 --> 0:23:29.360 you have to go back to work and you leave 0:23:29.400 --> 0:23:33.280