Speaker 1: Hey, friends, So this this um midweek mom chat is
Speaker 1: all about mom guilt. And I am having this conversation
Speaker 1: because I never knew how real it was until I
Speaker 1: became a mom. And I've been someone who has always
Speaker 1: beat myself up. I don't know if you guys are
Speaker 1: that way, but like, I've always beat myself up about perfectionism,
Speaker 1: doing everything right, UM, acting right, looking right, living right,
Speaker 1: trying to eat right. I had if y'all listened to
Speaker 1: my one about eating disorders and um diets, like, I've
Speaker 1: always tried to just figure out a way to be
Speaker 1: perfect and in physical appearance. I've also mentally all I have.
Speaker 1: I've always struggled with really intense negative self talk. UM.
Speaker 1: I don't don't know if any of you all have
Speaker 1: struggled with that, but I until I started realizing that
Speaker 1: I had this voice in my head that was talking
Speaker 1: to me, I didn't even know how hard I was
Speaker 1: on myself. I beat myself up a lot. If I
Speaker 1: feel like I've made a mistake or done something wrong
Speaker 1: or potentially offended someone, I can just just go to
Speaker 1: town on beating myself up. In my head. I can't
Speaker 1: let it go, um, I tell myself that I'm done
Speaker 1: a terrible thing, that people don't like me, even if
Speaker 1: I haven't done anything wrong at all, which I haven't,
Speaker 1: because I do not go out in the world and
Speaker 1: try to hurt people's feelings or do wrong things like
Speaker 1: that's not my personality, Like I'm not a malicious person.
Speaker 1: And so myself talk though, lies to me all the
Speaker 1: time and tells me that I had have done terrible
Speaker 1: things and that people don't like me, and that I
Speaker 1: need to beat myself up because I'm like a just
Speaker 1: an unworthy person and that all stems back to my
Speaker 1: unworthiness us that I have struggled with that. I think
Speaker 1: a lot of people struggle with. Um. I'm going to
Speaker 1: be drinking coffee during this mom chat because it's Saturday
Speaker 1: morning and I'm having a cappuccino, So I'm sorry, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna taking SIPs of coffee. I would love for yotta
Speaker 1: have coffee with me. That's another thing I felt guilty
Speaker 1: about drinking coffee now that I'm breastfeeding, because the caffeine
Speaker 1: goes to sunny and so I will not drink coffee
Speaker 1: until the second I'm done breastfeeding or pumping. I have
Speaker 1: like a two hour window until I pump or breastfeed again,
Speaker 1: and that's the only time I'll let myself drink coffee.
Speaker 1: Where if you look on all the research and all
Speaker 1: the boards out there, like the boards of the the experts,
Speaker 1: whoever they are, I don't know what they're they're called,
Speaker 1: they tell you can have three cups of coffee a day.
Speaker 1: I still feel guilty drinking a cup of coffee. Every
Speaker 1: time I drink a cup of coffee, I feel guilt
Speaker 1: about it because I feel like I am intentionally choosing
Speaker 1: myself over sunny. And I know that sounds crazy, but
Speaker 1: that is how I really feel, and I feel. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm you all know, I'm so hormonial. I'll probably cry
Speaker 1: a little bit. But like, my biggest struggle in my
Speaker 1: whole life is that I'm doing the wrong thing and
Speaker 1: I'm not worthy and I'm not good enough and I'm
Speaker 1: not perfect. And I've worked on that a lot, and
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people deal with that. And
Speaker 1: I've been able to move on from those crippling feelings
Speaker 1: within myself because I've worked on it with him myself,
Speaker 1: and I know that those that I that those thoughts
Speaker 1: aren't true. But now that I am responsible for Sunny,
Speaker 1: and I feel like everything I do affects her because
Speaker 1: she's literally living off of me. She's eating milk from me,
Speaker 1: and so everything I put in my body that could
Speaker 1: affect her I beat myself up over. So if I
Speaker 1: have a glass of wine I've had I've drank several
Speaker 1: times since Sonny has been born. Even if I do
Speaker 1: the test strips and it's fine, it comes out clear
Speaker 1: most of the time, I will still pump and dump
Speaker 1: that session of wine. Even if, like I put the
Speaker 1: strip in there that tested for if there's alcohol in
Speaker 1: the milk, and even if it comes back no, which
Speaker 1: it always does, I will still throw that milk away
Speaker 1: because I feel like I have to punish myself that God,
Speaker 1: imnn have a therapy session we all right now. I
Speaker 1: feel like I have to punish myself because I did
Speaker 1: something that was not in her best interests that could
Speaker 1: hurt her, and so I need to throw away that
Speaker 1: milk and turn like that is my punishment for choosing me,
Speaker 1: choosing something that I wanted to do that was not
Speaker 1: in her best interests. And I really struggle with that,
Speaker 1: Like I do feel like I have to punish myself,
Speaker 1: like if I do something that is not in her
Speaker 1: best interest, I just beat myself up over it, Like
Speaker 1: even this car feel like I feel like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: need to get this down in the next twenty minutes,
Speaker 1: because then that's my window. I have like another hour
Speaker 1: and a half two hours until she feeds again, and
Speaker 1: so I need to get her down. I feel so
Speaker 1: much guilt about, oh God, just everything I do. And
Speaker 1: I don't know if you'll struggle with that. So I
Speaker 1: want to talk about mom guilt. How do we move
Speaker 1: through mom guilt? How do we get to the point
Speaker 1: where you're like, Okay, I know what I'm doing is
Speaker 1: not going to harm my baby. I am taking the
Speaker 1: correct steps to make sure she is safe. If I
Speaker 1: have coffee, it's been approved that by many doctors, many
Speaker 1: studies that you can have coffee. So let that go, Caroline.
Speaker 1: Don't beat yourself up over it. It's okay to enjoy
Speaker 1: the pleasures of life on a responsible level. I don't
Speaker 1: have to keep money in a bubble. I also feel
Speaker 1: that because I had a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy,
Speaker 1: I have and I and also just being a mom,
Speaker 1: I have a constant fear of losing her and I'm
Speaker 1: just speaking this out loud because I want this fear
Speaker 1: to leave me. I have a constant fear that I'm
Speaker 1: gonna lose her, And I think maybe moms feel that
Speaker 1: in general, but I feel responsible, like I guess like
Speaker 1: because I had a miscarriage or something, it did something
Speaker 1: to my mind, like I was the reason, like my
Speaker 1: body couldn't keep the baby, or like something I did
Speaker 1: made me miscarry, And so that's why I had a
Speaker 1: very anxious pregnancy. I was so worried that everything I
Speaker 1: was gonna do was gonna make me lose her, and
Speaker 1: so like I would beat myself up. I didn't exercise,
Speaker 1: Like my kind of college just gave me permission to exercise.
Speaker 1: She's like a very good for you to exercise, Like
Speaker 1: all that is healthy for you and the baby. It'll
Speaker 1: make your your delivery better and all this. And like
Speaker 1: I didn't do anything but walk because I was so
Speaker 1: scared that if I exercise too much, I was gonna
Speaker 1: lose her. I only drink decaf coffee, even though they
Speaker 1: said you could have regular coffee, Like I literally was
Speaker 1: a nervous trek. One time my dog jumped on me
Speaker 1: and like hit me hard in the stomach. I had
Speaker 1: a full blown anxiety tech. I had to lay on
Speaker 1: the floor and like deep breathe for like half an
Speaker 1: hour because I was so scared that like it would
Speaker 1: kill her. Like I don't know why my mind runs
Speaker 1: so out of control. I think it's because now I
Speaker 1: have this precious, precious, innocent life that is fully dependent
Speaker 1: on me, and I have never been one who has
Speaker 1: been able to really trust myself all the way. Like,
Speaker 1: and it's funny because a lot of people will send
Speaker 1: me messages and be like You're so inspiring, like, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for being real, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for always sharing the truth. But like, I'm going to
Speaker 1: be honest with you guys, I am real and I
Speaker 1: share the truth because I am so like not trusting
Speaker 1: of myself a lot of the time, Like I am
Speaker 1: asking you guys to tell me your stories because I
Speaker 1: need validation then I'm doing okay because I have so
Speaker 1: much fear that I'm not doing it right. And that
Speaker 1: has been my biggest struggle in my whole life. So
Speaker 1: like I think that's why I probably started this podcast,
Speaker 1: why I'm so willing to share my truth on Instagram
Speaker 1: and instant stories, because I need to know that I'm
Speaker 1: doing it okay, because I have so much doubt that
Speaker 1: I'm going to do it wrong and then I'm going
Speaker 1: to mess up and that I'm I don't know. It's
Speaker 1: almost like I need just the validation that Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's okay, you're doing it good, like you're you're worthy,
Speaker 1: You're not going to mess up yourself, You're not hurting
Speaker 1: your daughter. Here's my tips, here's what I did, like,
Speaker 1: this is safe, this isn't like. And I started my
Speaker 1: podcast because like I was when I was in music
Speaker 1: and when I was trying to get into the entertainment industry,
Speaker 1: I never felt like I was good enough. And so
Speaker 1: starting this podcast and getting to hear people's stories of
Speaker 1: their failures and their insecurities, it gave me the confidence
Speaker 1: to realize, oh my gosh, we are all in this together.
Speaker 1: We all have struggles, we all have failed, we all
Speaker 1: have insecurities. No one has it together. Even these people
Speaker 1: that we put on pedestals, like I had put them
Speaker 1: on pedestals, I'm like, they're perfect, They've never had an issue.
Speaker 1: Then I got to interview them and they shared their
Speaker 1: heart and soul, and I'm realizing, oh, my gosh, like
Speaker 1: I was being so hard on myself, thinking I had
Speaker 1: to be so perfect and have it together because nobody does.
Speaker 1: And that's what my podcast has done for me. Like
Speaker 1: you guys have told me that it has really helped you,
Speaker 1: but like in the same way it has helped you,
Speaker 1: it has helped me because it has given me the
Speaker 1: clarity that we are all just struggling to do the
Speaker 1: best that we can, and we have to make choices
Speaker 1: every day to move through whatever situation we're doubt, whether
Speaker 1: we feel like we're the biggest loser in the world
Speaker 1: and our whole life has exploded in our face. We
Speaker 1: have to know that we can bounce back, that we
Speaker 1: can learn from that that nothing is a failure if
Speaker 1: we choose to use it as a growing tool, if
Speaker 1: we choose to take a lesson from it. And that
Speaker 1: is what I have learned from my podcast interviewing all
Speaker 1: these incredible people. I have learned so many people have
Speaker 1: quote unquote failed, have hit the bottom, whether it be
Speaker 1: with a career, a divorce, um a physical ailment, like
Speaker 1: whether you have a condition in your body that takes
Speaker 1: you down, like can't overcoming cancer, addiction, whatever it is
Speaker 1: that feels so huge and so insurmountable that we will
Speaker 1: never recover. The people on my podcast that I have
Speaker 1: interviewed have recovered from these huge tragedies that we call
Speaker 1: in life and losing a child. Um. The people people
Speaker 1: I have interviewed on this podcast have found faith again,
Speaker 1: have found a way to live again, have found a
Speaker 1: way to keep going. And that is so inspiring to
Speaker 1: me because life is so overwhelming and it is so
Speaker 1: hard sometimes to not beat ourselves up and not think
Speaker 1: that we have to be perfect and not feel like
Speaker 1: we're not doing good enough and not feel like we're
Speaker 1: not worthy enough. And now that I have a child,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it's on such a bigger level for
Speaker 1: me because as soon as I get cocky and I
Speaker 1: think like, oh, I've done therapy, I've done my work.
Speaker 1: I am good, like my self talk is good. I
Speaker 1: am feeling strong. I feel like connected to God and
Speaker 1: connected to myself, and I have grace for myself and
Speaker 1: I'm learning and oh my god, then here comes the
Speaker 1: next huge life lesson to learn, and for me that
Speaker 1: has been becoming a mother. There, like it started with pregnancy,
Speaker 1: like learning to have faith and move through all of
Speaker 1: my fears with pregnancy and trust, and now that I
Speaker 1: have Sonny and now that I'm breastfeeding her, every single
Speaker 1: thing that I put in my body, I beat myself
Speaker 1: up over it if it's not perfect like ecatology, coffee, wine,
Speaker 1: all that, and I just feel like I have to
Speaker 1: learn the lesson that if I am making responsible choices,
Speaker 1: I have Sonny's best interests at heart, I am not
Speaker 1: doing anything that is going to hurt her. Yes, like
Speaker 1: it would be better if I didn't drink caffeine, But
Speaker 1: I'm telling you what, when you have a newborn and
Speaker 1: cheese up every three hours and you don't get any
Speaker 1: sleep for two months, like you've got to have a
Speaker 1: cup of caffeine, like and that's okay. To make that
Speaker 1: responsible choice, then I have to like let myself know
Speaker 1: that that's okay. And it's just I beat myself up
Speaker 1: when I when I pick me, I guess And so
Speaker 1: that is what mom guilt is for me. I'm learning
Speaker 1: right now when I pick me over her. But then
Speaker 1: I have to break it down and I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: not picking me in an irresponsible way, like I'm I'm
Speaker 1: picking me when I'm still picking her because I'm not
Speaker 1: picking a choice that is dangerous for her, even though yes,
Speaker 1: if I could just eat only fruits and vegetables and
Speaker 1: farm fresh, farm to table meats, that's the that would
Speaker 1: probably be the best for her. But I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to eat perfectly, like everything in America is
Speaker 1: basically processed. Like I'm gonna go to a restaurant and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna probably get some MSG in my food and
Speaker 1: that's going to transfer to her. It's just like, gosh,
Speaker 1: you can fall down a rabbit hole of just like
Speaker 1: analyzing and worrying about every single little thing you do.
Speaker 1: But this earth is flawed, like we are not living
Speaker 1: in a perfectly clean, flawless earth, and like for me
Speaker 1: to feel like I have to be flawless for her
Speaker 1: is so much pressure. I'm gonna cry. It's so much pressure,
Speaker 1: and like we can't do that, we can't succeed at
Speaker 1: that because we are flawed humans. This world is flawed.
Speaker 1: And like I'm learning that as a mom, like I
Speaker 1: cannot be myself up that I am not perfect, Like
Speaker 1: I'm not. That's it, Like I'm I'm gonna mess up.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna make the wrong choice and I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to forgive myself because I know that I'm never going
Speaker 1: to choose it intentionally. I'm never going to do anything
Speaker 1: to hurt her, but I'm going to make decisions that
Speaker 1: aren't that. I mean, I have to make choices in
Speaker 1: this in this life, and she's gonna be exposed to
Speaker 1: the world, which is I mean, welcome to this world.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I sit down and I look at her
Speaker 1: and I cry over her, and I'm like, oh gosh,
Speaker 1: this world is so brutal. Like there's so much in
Speaker 1: this world that you're gonna have to experience. It's gonna
Speaker 1: hurt you, that it is going to break your heart.
Speaker 1: But yet here you are. You're here, you came here,
Speaker 1: and you're having your own experience in this life. And
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to learn lessons and I don't know
Speaker 1: what they are, and oh my gosh, my heart already
Speaker 1: breaks that you have to have these lessons. But like,
Speaker 1: that's what makes us human, that's what makes us grow,
Speaker 1: that's what makes us who we are as these lessons.
Speaker 1: Like I look back on my life and the most
Speaker 1: valuable experiences for me are my sometimes my most painful
Speaker 1: moments when I really hit the bottom, when I really
Speaker 1: was broken down, when I really had my heartbroken, when
Speaker 1: I really felt lost. Those moments have defined me. Those
Speaker 1: moments I wouldn't trade for the world because I was
Speaker 1: able to rebuild myself. I was able to find myself.
Speaker 1: I was able to drip away all of the um
Speaker 1: layers of ego that I had put on myself. Like
Speaker 1: you know, we put all we we gather all of
Speaker 1: these coats of validation, like we like, let's picture it
Speaker 1: like clothing, Like we are ourselves and all of these
Speaker 1: these clothes, these fine, fancy clothes, and like we start
Speaker 1: to believe that we are a Gucci bag, or that
Speaker 1: we are um this beautiful leather jacket, or that we
Speaker 1: are like stepping out into the world like looking so
Speaker 1: good and like nothing can break us down. And then
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you get broken down and you lose
Speaker 1: your Versace bag, you lose your fancy leather coat, like
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you are stripped naked and you
Speaker 1: are having to be exposed of who you are to
Speaker 1: the core. And those moments are brutal, but man, they're
Speaker 1: important because we've got to learn how to live without
Speaker 1: all of our armor that we put on us. Because
Speaker 1: it's not who we are if we can't get to
Speaker 1: the core of who we are without all these things
Speaker 1: that we attached to ourselves, like oh, Like for me,
Speaker 1: it was like when I first got to Nashville, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I'm in a band that is with
Speaker 1: Loretta Lynn's granddaughter and John Wayne's granddaughter, and we have
Speaker 1: a record deal with Paul Whorley, who produced the Dixie Chicks,
Speaker 1: and we are also signed with Sony, and like I
Speaker 1: needed to have those stamps of approval, of names of
Speaker 1: validation so I could tell people that, look at me,
Speaker 1: I'm worthy. These people believe in me, think I'm worth it.
Speaker 1: And then it can't like I got Amazing Race, and
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I've been on a TV show. I
Speaker 1: was on the Amazing Race. Look at me like a
Speaker 1: TV show things I'm worthy enough to put me on
Speaker 1: a show, Like I'm good enough. Like I needed to
Speaker 1: tell people that I was on that show because it
Speaker 1: made me feel like, oh, look at me, I'm worthy.
Speaker 1: And then I mean, the list goes on and on
Speaker 1: about just like what I have needed for validation. Then
Speaker 1: you get to a point where it all falls apart
Speaker 1: and the guy ended up losing my record deal, and
Speaker 1: then the amazing race was over and I didn't have
Speaker 1: the next move and I didn't know what my next
Speaker 1: career goal was, and like you have to rebuild, and
Speaker 1: it's just like those moments of hitting the bottom of
Speaker 1: not having anything of a praiseworthy of validation, worthy of um,
Speaker 1: I don't know, just like you have to look at
Speaker 1: yourself and be like, Okay, I have to find the
Speaker 1: love for myself and know that I am good enough
Speaker 1: just as me, just for being alive, just for being
Speaker 1: put on this earth, just for my heart, just for
Speaker 1: my soul. I have to know that because I'm here
Speaker 1: on this earth earth, born into the life that I
Speaker 1: am born into, that I have nothing to do with
Speaker 1: that I was born into this specific life, these specific circumstances,
Speaker 1: this specific journey, at this specific time, and because of
Speaker 1: all of these factors, I can no longer complain feel unworthy,
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not good enough because God put me
Speaker 1: here in this spot, in this body, in this soul,
Speaker 1: in this life, in these circumstances. This is where I
Speaker 1: was placed. So it is no accident, and I have
Speaker 1: got to take full ownership of where I am in
Speaker 1: my life. I have got to know that God loves me,
Speaker 1: and I am just as valuable as someone who I
Speaker 1: may have on a pedestal, who I think is so
Speaker 1: important and so perfect. I am just as valuable because
Speaker 1: we are all the same. We're all straight from heaven.
Speaker 1: We're all souls that were sitting here straight from heaven,
Speaker 1: and we are all putting circumstances and situations to learn
Speaker 1: lessons to evolve to become who we were meant to be.
Speaker 1: And I feel like we know who were meant to
Speaker 1: be because in our hearts we feel drawn towards things
Speaker 1: like you feel a call towards something, even like with
Speaker 1: a career, like I always felt called towards the entertainment industry,
Speaker 1: but like my sister were from the same parents, she
Speaker 1: never felt called towards that. She always was like called
Speaker 1: towards the more school side, being like more of like
Speaker 1: a lawyer type, organizing, being in charge like a schedules encounters,
Speaker 1: and like being so good at like running businesses. Like
Speaker 1: that's where she felt more drawn. And it's just like
Speaker 1: some people feel drawn to become a doctor. Some people
Speaker 1: feel drawn to take a backpack and travel the world.
Speaker 1: Some people feel drawn to start a landscaping business. Some
Speaker 1: people feel drawn to be a cook, or some people
Speaker 1: feel drawn to go to pharmaceutical school. I don't know
Speaker 1: what makes you feel drawn to do something, but we
Speaker 1: all feel drawn towards something. And that's the same reason
Speaker 1: that you're drawn towards certain people, like you have a
Speaker 1: connection with certain people like those people. We all we
Speaker 1: are specifically drawn towards certain things because it is our destiny.
Speaker 1: And so I feel like you just have to follow
Speaker 1: your heart, follow your destiny, and let yourself go where
Speaker 1: you're drawn, because that is why we came here. And
Speaker 1: we did not come here to have a flawless experience.
Speaker 1: We came here to learn, to grow, to evolve, and
Speaker 1: the only way we can learn and grow and evolve
Speaker 1: is through these hard lessons. And that is just the
Speaker 1: truth of it. And it sucks, like when you're in
Speaker 1: the middle of it, it sucks like it feels awful,
Speaker 1: It hurts um. We feel lost, we feel like a loser,
Speaker 1: we feel insignificant, We feel like everyone else has it
Speaker 1: figured out so much more than we do. We feel
Speaker 1: like we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're
Speaker 1: not smart enough, we're not worthy enough. It's all freaking bullshit, Okay,
Speaker 1: And I'm telling myself this because the other struggles I
Speaker 1: struggle with and mom guilt is on a whole new
Speaker 1: level because now it's not just about me. Now it's
Speaker 1: about Sonny. And I can't live my life hating myself
Speaker 1: for every little thing that I think I've done wrong
Speaker 1: when I know I have her best intentions at heart
Speaker 1: and I'm not doing anything irresponsible. But it is so hard,
Speaker 1: and I'm just getting started. And I know that I'm
Speaker 1: going to struggle with this mm hmm. And I know
Speaker 1: that my faith is going to have to be strengthened
Speaker 1: so much because the only way I can move through
Speaker 1: these things is to give it to God. And today
Speaker 1: I was struggling with some mom guilt. Just I mean,
Speaker 1: I just I'm also still hormonal, but I just hit
Speaker 1: my knees and I pray to God to take it away,
Speaker 1: and I said, Dear God, please, No, my heart was pure. No,
Speaker 1: I did not make I'm not making decisions to ever
Speaker 1: hurt Sonny. I'm being responsible. I am always trying to
Speaker 1: choose her, but when it comes, when I choose me,
Speaker 1: when I do things for me, and I know, like
Speaker 1: even mom struggle this with like mom's who work. When
Speaker 1: you have to go back to work and you leave
Speaker 1: your kid and you have mom guilt that you're not
Speaker 1: there and someone else is with your child and having
Speaker 1: moments and lives and experiencing first with your child, but
Speaker 1: yet you're at work. That is such a struggle. But
Speaker 1: yet we have to work. I mean you don't, not
Speaker 1: every mom has to work, but like, what if you're
Speaker 1: called to work, what if you have to do it
Speaker 1: for your family? What if it's your passion and you
Speaker 1: don't want to give up yourself just because you've had
Speaker 1: a child, Like that's such a struggle. Like you were
Speaker 1: put on this earth to fulfill your destiny as well,
Speaker 1: and don't you want to be the example to your
Speaker 1: child that you're still doing what you were called to
Speaker 1: do while loving your child. I mean, it is just
Speaker 1: such a struggle. The mom guilt is so real and
Speaker 1: just learning how to navigate it. To me, it is
Speaker 1: all about faith. And so I hit my knees and
Speaker 1: I just said, dear God, I'm struggling. I am feeling guilty.
Speaker 1: I know I have done nothing wrong, but yet I
Speaker 1: am overwhelmed because I don't know how to move through
Speaker 1: my feelings. I feel solely responsible for Sunny and any
Speaker 1: time I have picked me over her, even like going
Speaker 1: out and doing interviews. Um, oh gosh, I don't know
Speaker 1: getting my hair highlighted struggling with that because there's chemicals
Speaker 1: that get into your hair follicles and they couldn't transferred
Speaker 1: to her. I don't know. They say it's safe, but
Speaker 1: it's just like maintenance for me, Like anytime I do
Speaker 1: maintenance for me, Like I just feel like, is that
Speaker 1: damaging her? You know? Like why would I get my
Speaker 1: hair highlighted when I'm breastfeeding. Everyone says it's fine. I
Speaker 1: took me forever to get my hair highlight when I
Speaker 1: was pregnant because I grew my roots up basically to
Speaker 1: my eyeballs because I was so afraid to get my
Speaker 1: hair highlighted. It's just stuff like that. And I hit
Speaker 1: my knees and I said, God, please no that I
Speaker 1: please take this away from me. I'm learning my lessons
Speaker 1: from Sunny's teaching me so much, and please protect her,
Speaker 1: put a shield around her and take this guilt away
Speaker 1: from me. Because I cannot live with it. I cannot
Speaker 1: move forward with it. I cannot be the best mom
Speaker 1: that I can be. I know my heart is good,
Speaker 1: I know my intentions are so pure for her, and
Speaker 1: I know this world is flawed, and I know I
Speaker 1: am flawed, and I know every day I wake up
Speaker 1: and I truly choose the best choice that I can.
Speaker 1: I check my intentions. I make sure that I feel
Speaker 1: good about everything I do. But damn it, it's gonna
Speaker 1: get me. The mom guilt is going to get me.
Speaker 1: There's no way around it. It's gonna get me. And
Speaker 1: when it gets me, I cannot let it paralyze me.
Speaker 1: And so please take this away from me, God, And
Speaker 1: that is my prayer. And so I just wanted to
Speaker 1: share this podcast with you guys today because I know
Speaker 1: that mom guilt is a real thing. And um, anyway,
Speaker 1: I just want to see if you guys have hold on.
Speaker 1: I'm seeing if anyone has questions for me because I
Speaker 1: just put up a post about mom guilt like ten
Speaker 1: minutes ago. Hold On, I'm also Internet. I have issues
Speaker 1: with my I don't know how to do technology. Mmmm. Okay.
Speaker 1: Someone said I felt guilty about drinking every once in
Speaker 1: a while and also not constantly playing with her. I
Speaker 1: totally get that. Um, Like I said, earlier. I feel
Speaker 1: guilty when I have a glass of wine, even if
Speaker 1: I they say you can have a glass of wine
Speaker 1: every and like not have to dump for every hour
Speaker 1: and a half. Like if you have a glass of
Speaker 1: wine and then you don't pump or breastfeed for an
Speaker 1: hour and a half, then it will flush out of
Speaker 1: your system. That's what everybody says. And I still feel
Speaker 1: guilty and I still pomp and dump even though it's okay,
Speaker 1: it's said it's okay, but I'm like, I've made the
Speaker 1: choice that I've picked me, and I've picked this vice
Speaker 1: that is dangerous for my child, and I need to
Speaker 1: be punished. I feel like I have to give myself
Speaker 1: punishment when I do things that I feel like are wrong,
Speaker 1: and so for me, my punishment because even if I
Speaker 1: know I have followed the protocol and done the responsible thing,
Speaker 1: and I've picked this vice for myself, which is having
Speaker 1: glass of wine in a responsible time and in the
Speaker 1: correct way that they say to do it when your breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: I still feel like I have to punish myself. And
Speaker 1: that is um. I don't think we have to do that.
Speaker 1: I don't think we have to do that because it's
Speaker 1: okay to still enjoy ourselves in our lives when we're
Speaker 1: being responsible, and it's just struggle. And also I get it,
Speaker 1: like when I put something on the play matt I
Speaker 1: most of the time, I will sit there and I
Speaker 1: will just stare at her and I will play with
Speaker 1: her and I will put like, um, I'll like, you know, tickler,
Speaker 1: and I'll play with her toys. But sometimes I have
Speaker 1: things to do and I'll put her on the play
Speaker 1: mat and I'll let her play there for like she
Speaker 1: usually placed for like thirty minutes, and I'll just pop
Speaker 1: in every now and then and I won't do and
Speaker 1: i won't play with her whole time, and I'll feel like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, i have missed out on being with her,
Speaker 1: and I'm not giving her my full undivided attention. And granted,
Speaker 1: for the most part, I'm always giving her my undivided attention.
Speaker 1: But the times that I've had things to do, like
Speaker 1: I say, I've had podcast stuff that I needed to
Speaker 1: get done, or I'm actually like going on an interview
Speaker 1: and I have I'm not even home, and like I
Speaker 1: have a babysitter or getting a babysitter, Like I've had
Speaker 1: a babysitter. She's ten weeks old now, and I've had
Speaker 1: a babysitter like in the day, maybe maybe just once,
Speaker 1: maybe twice, and you know, feeling guilty about that that
Speaker 1: I am choosing me and leaving my child with another person,
Speaker 1: And like are they going to drop her? Are they
Speaker 1: gonna get her the bottle? Are they going to play
Speaker 1: with her enough? Are they gonna love her enough? But
Speaker 1: it's like, gosh, okay, God, let it go. Oh, choose
Speaker 1: someone that you trust. Obviously, do not have child care
Speaker 1: that you don't trust. But then you have to trust,
Speaker 1: just like you have to trust your pediatrician, just like
Speaker 1: I had to trust my guynecologist, just like I have
Speaker 1: to trust I mean, anyone I have. You have to
Speaker 1: figure out how to trust people. So I get it
Speaker 1: so much, and I think we have to give ourselves
Speaker 1: grace and we have to um check our intentions and
Speaker 1: if our intention and our intentions are good and our
Speaker 1: heart is good, we have to give ourselves grace. And
Speaker 1: then we have to know that we are still allowed
Speaker 1: to choose ourselves as well as choosing our children. Like
Speaker 1: I think that is a struggle with mom guilds. You
Speaker 1: you are allowed to choose yourself and choose your child
Speaker 1: at the same time, and finding that balance is really difficult.
Speaker 1: But I think that that is the struggle that we
Speaker 1: all face, and we have to choose ourselves because if
Speaker 1: we let ourselves go and we don't choose ourselves sometimes
Speaker 1: then we lose ourselves. And if we lose ourselves, then
Speaker 1: we are not a good mother for our child. So
Speaker 1: it's that fine line of not losing ourselves and choosing
Speaker 1: ourselves but also choosing our child. And it's just I
Speaker 1: think it's going to be a struggle that we have
Speaker 1: our whole lives. Like, I think that that is something
Speaker 1: that we just are constantly reevaluating. It's a line that
Speaker 1: we're always walking, and I think that we have to
Speaker 1: The way I can do it for me is I
Speaker 1: have to check my intentions. If I feel gross about something,
Speaker 1: then I'm not going to do it. If I feel
Speaker 1: like it's wrong, then I'm not going to do it.
Speaker 1: If I feel like it feels good for me, if
Speaker 1: I feel like it's something that is good for my
Speaker 1: soul and it is not harming her, Yes, maybe I
Speaker 1: have to have a babysitter. Maybe I got with friends,
Speaker 1: girlfriends and we have a glass of wine and we
Speaker 1: laugh and we catch up and we share stories and
Speaker 1: we bond and it fills my tank. And yes, I
Speaker 1: had a glass of wine, but I got so filled
Speaker 1: up that now I'm coming home and I am so
Speaker 1: present for Sonny and I am so happy and alive
Speaker 1: because I was able to share in community with women.
Speaker 1: Then that is a good choice for me. That is
Speaker 1: a smart decision for me because it makes me a
Speaker 1: better person and I'm not harming Sonny. And like you
Speaker 1: just have to evaluate it and it is always going
Speaker 1: to be a work in progress. And I just want
Speaker 1: to say that moms, we are doing a great job.
Speaker 1: You are doing a great job. You are worthy. Your
Speaker 1: child is with you for a reason. This child is
Speaker 1: is for you. This is your child. It knows you.
Speaker 1: You know your child. You all were meant to be
Speaker 1: and you are exactly who this child needs. So when
Speaker 1: you feel good about your decision, whether it's going back
Speaker 1: to work and having to leave your child and child
Speaker 1: care and you feel so guilty about it, but you
Speaker 1: know you have to go back to work for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: Ay you have to for fine ancial reasons or be
Speaker 1: you have to for your soul, Like you feel like
Speaker 1: that's a huge part of who you are. You know
Speaker 1: what you have to do and get clear with yourself,
Speaker 1: get quiet with yourself, really decide if it's something you
Speaker 1: need for your enjoyment and fulfillment of life, and if
Speaker 1: you and your soul and your and who you are
Speaker 1: put on this earth to be, and if it betters
Speaker 1: you as a person, if it doesn't better you as
Speaker 1: a person, if it's harmful to you as a person,
Speaker 1: if it then by defect, it will be harmful to
Speaker 1: your child. But if it betters you as a human
Speaker 1: and you're being responsible, then we have to just forgive
Speaker 1: ourselves and not get lost in the mom guilt. And
Speaker 1: this is me talking to myself. So I hope this
Speaker 1: was helpful for you guys. I hope that you give
Speaker 1: yourself love today. I hope that you know your child
Speaker 1: loves you so much, and instead of sitting around thinking
Speaker 1: about everything that you feel like you're doing wrong, think
Speaker 1: about everything that you're doing right, and just be in
Speaker 1: the moment with your child and don't miss the great
Speaker 1: things that are happening because we're worried about something that's
Speaker 1: not even real in our mind and beating ourselves up
Speaker 1: over it. Don't miss the joy with your child because
Speaker 1: we're beating ourselves up over something that's not even worth
Speaker 1: beating ourselves up over. So sending you guys love and
Speaker 1: sending myself love and we're doing a great job. And anyway,
Speaker 1: that's it. I hope this is helpful. I love you guys.