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Speaker 1: That show is on. It's stay or Go. Okay, Shannon,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Sannin.

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Speaker 2: Hi, good morning.

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Speaker 1: So what's going on with his boyfriend of yours?

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we've been dating for fifteen years and I

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Speaker 2: know that sounds like a lot.

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Speaker 1: That's a minute.

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Speaker 2: We started at eighteen, so it's like, you know, those

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Speaker 2: younger years do they really count? But yes they do

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Speaker 2: in girl years, yes they count. I want to get married, right, like,

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Speaker 2: I want to have a family. I'm thirty three, Like

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Speaker 2: you know, this is like geriatric pregnancy kind of like,

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Speaker 2: you know, we got to get the ball rolling here.

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Speaker 2: But my boyfriend just says that he's not.

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Speaker 1: Ready after fifteen years, he's not ready. Yeah, are you

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Speaker 1: using big Tim?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't think so. No, I know, think that's Tiky's boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: But it's been about half the time, right, eight years?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Seven? Yeah, fifteen years and this guy hasn't pulled the trigger.

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Speaker 1: And you want to have kids, and the whole geriatric

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Speaker 1: pregnancy thing is laughable to me, but I know that's

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Speaker 1: what they call it. My sister, her first pregnancy was

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Speaker 1: I think like pre geriatric, and then the second one

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Speaker 1: was full on geriatric.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, by definition, if you're thirty five or older, they

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Speaker 2: consider it cheeriaster or like I guess they like want

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Speaker 2: to use like this advanced maternal age thing, but you

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Speaker 2: know what they're saying.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so okay, hmm. It's funny because Kaylen and I

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Speaker 1: we were having this conversation all of us actually off

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Speaker 1: the air yesterday about getting married, and like, I had

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Speaker 1: a woman at the event on Friday say to me,

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Speaker 1: you know, someday somebody will marry you kind of thing,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, well, you're assuming I want to

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Speaker 1: be married. Everyone's assuming that I want to be married,

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Speaker 1: and I'm desperately trying to be in a relationship and

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Speaker 1: I am not. I mean, if I met somebody who

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Speaker 1: was you know, and the synergy was there, then I

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Speaker 1: would do it. But otherwise I'm good. But as far

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Speaker 1: as getting married, then I asked this person always my

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Speaker 1: follow up question, So you're happily married, Oh no, I'm divorced.

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Speaker 1: Well then why then, tell are you telling me to

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Speaker 1: get married? Oh I'd never do it again. Well then

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Speaker 1: why are you? Why are you encouraging it for others

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Speaker 1: so that we can all be tortured the way that

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Speaker 1: you've been tortured. So I might say to you, after

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Speaker 1: fifteen years, if you're happy and things are functioning and

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Speaker 1: going well, then okay. I mean, if you want that,

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Speaker 1: then you should. You deserve to have that, and you

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Speaker 1: should find that. But maybe everything is just okay the

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Speaker 1: way it is. Now you add to this the fact

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Speaker 1: that you want to have kids. Maybe it's important for

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Speaker 1: you to be married when you have kids, or you

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Speaker 1: know that's important value for you, not for everybody, but

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Speaker 1: for you. Well, then those things need to have You know,

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Speaker 1: you need to get married, and then you need to

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Speaker 1: think about starting a family, and you probably want to

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Speaker 1: think about that sooner than later. So I get it.

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Speaker 1: But how do you make a person who in fifteen

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Speaker 1: years hasn't knows these things about you, knows that you

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Speaker 1: want to be married, knows that you have kids. How

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Speaker 1: do you get them after fifteen years to just convert

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Speaker 1: into somebody who believe this. I'm not sure that you do.

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Speaker 1: And the problem is if you were to say to him,

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Speaker 1: you better we've talked about this before too, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I spent fifteen years, I've giving you plenty of time.

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Speaker 1: I want to be married and have kids, so we're

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Speaker 1: doing both of those things, and we have to do

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Speaker 1: them in the next thirty six months otherwise it's unhealthy.

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Speaker 1: Potentially you may get what you want, but there's two things.

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Speaker 1: One it may be under duress, which means a guy

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Speaker 1: didn't want to do it anyway. And two, even if

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Speaker 1: he does do it, and even if he did want

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Speaker 1: to do it, you had to tell him that. You

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Speaker 1: essentially are going to wonder did I always make him

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Speaker 1: do this? And I don't think either one of those

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Speaker 1: things are very good. So my gut tells me, Shannon,

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Speaker 1: you might need to think about moving on.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, but he says he wants to get married,

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Speaker 2: you know, like, well, he wants to propose on his

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Speaker 2: own time.

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Speaker 1: But I'm like, is your watch broken, buddy?

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Speaker 4: Like, come on, fifteen years? Why he not ready? What's

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Speaker 4: his reason for not being ready?

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: He just says he wants to do it on his

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Speaker 2: own time, and you know, it's like, oh, where o this.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, there's always going to be stuff, right, like

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Speaker 2: I am apprized and I want to be the priority.

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Speaker 1: Oh well, thener you gotta go yeah, because I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't think you can go to him if you

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Speaker 1: want to be married after fifteen years. I think the

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Speaker 1: only way this works is if you go to him

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Speaker 1: and say, look, I want to be married like now

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Speaker 1: and then and then you have to just I mean

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Speaker 1: it's almost like you have to put a deadline on it,

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Speaker 1: because again, fifteen years is a life, it's half a lifetime.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's a long time. And I don't know

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Speaker 1: how you get a person because if you don't say

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Speaker 1: anything and then steatus quo, you know, then it I mean, Jason,

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Speaker 1: you're kind of in this in this book. I'm almost there. Yeah, one,

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Speaker 1: you're shy, and then which I mean, what like what

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Speaker 1: do you do?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: You go to Mike the mechanic and go like, hey man,

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Speaker 1: you know, hey, I want to be married, and he goes, okay,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to be and then the end

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Speaker 1: of conversation unless there's a second part, which is okay.

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Speaker 1: But I mean, really I need this in my life.

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Speaker 1: I want this in my life and it needs to

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Speaker 1: happen soon. And then what if the person says no.

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Speaker 1: Then if you say okay, then you've acquiesced, right and

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Speaker 1: you've you've played your card. The card has been played,

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Speaker 1: and you now have no leverage. So the answer is there.

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Speaker 1: It is. So if that is so important to you

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Speaker 1: and this person's not seeing the same value in that value,

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Speaker 1: then you that might that might be a fundamental disconnection.

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Speaker 1: You may have to move on.

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Speaker 5: Would you be open to having kids outside like without

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Speaker 5: being married?

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Speaker 3: Like, is that something either of you are open to?

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Speaker 2: I'm not open to that. I want to be married,

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Speaker 2: like I want the whole thing.

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Speaker 5: Okay, Oh gosh, it's so hard, Like you have someone

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Speaker 5: that treats you well and that you love, and it's like, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Fifteen years right, Yeah, it's a.

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Speaker 5: Lot of time invested. And it goes back to, like

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Speaker 5: you said, the value. So like I on my podcast, lol,

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Speaker 5: but like I had a relationship expert come on and

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Speaker 5: talk about the situation, because I think a lot of

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Speaker 5: times it's you know, you don't want to give some

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Speaker 5: of the ultimatum. You don't want to force somebody to

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Speaker 5: do something they don't want it, right, Right, However, I

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Speaker 5: think it goes back to quite literally the like what

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Speaker 5: do you value in your relationship?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 5: And that's what this expert was telling me, and she said,

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Speaker 5: you know, is it marriage, like is it you know

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Speaker 5: sex in your like marriage or relationship, like what are

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Speaker 5: your values? And unfortunately the hard part with this is

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Speaker 5: if you go to him and ask him that, you

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Speaker 5: have to be prepared for the answer. And then also

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Speaker 5: it's kind of like, well, what are you gonna do

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Speaker 5: with that answer?

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Speaker 1: Right? Are you saying or are you going? That's that's

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Speaker 1: why we're here?

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Speaker 3: There go?

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Speaker 5: But quite literally, you know, what are you going to

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Speaker 5: do with that information?

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Speaker 1: Because you can't get all the values? I'm sure I

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Speaker 1: don't think so from one person?

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Speaker 5: Probably not right, Like if I value let's just say,

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Speaker 5: like the top three things, you know, does my husband

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Speaker 5: value those?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: But I guess like what's priority? Like she wants to

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Speaker 1: be married, this is what she wants. Well, let me

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Speaker 1: ask you this, Shannon, just to be clear, and did

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Speaker 1: you switch? Did you did you flip the script at

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Speaker 1: any point? Like I mean, I'm just curious. I don't

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Speaker 1: know the answer, of course, but like for the first

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Speaker 1: I don't know ten years, were you like, ah, this

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Speaker 1: is fine? Or for the first I mean you have

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Speaker 1: it right to do that, But I mean, like, did

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Speaker 1: you just recently say because like for example, I know

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Speaker 1: a marriag couple, they're married, they decided they just said

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Speaker 1: from the beginning, if we get married, I do not

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Speaker 1: want to have kids one person, and the person's like,

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Speaker 1: that's fine. And the person is like, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to marry you and have this come up later, like

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Speaker 1: this is fundamental, I don't want to have kids, and

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Speaker 1: the person was like, that's fine, no problem. Two years

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Speaker 1: in the marriage, I want to have a kid, and

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Speaker 1: then it was like, well, now what do we do

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Speaker 1: because we talked about this and then whoopsie they had

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Speaker 1: a kid, and that's a whole different conversation. But oh

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Speaker 1: it was a mistake. It was oh, it was an

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Speaker 1: accident and it all worked out. But my thing is, like,

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Speaker 1: I guess I was just curious if you if you

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Speaker 1: were like, yeah, no, maybe, you know, it's just free

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Speaker 1: and fun and whatever, and then all of a sudden

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Speaker 1: you're like, no, no, no, I mean we have to

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Speaker 1: get married now. Is there any of that going on?

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Speaker 2: So, I mean we were together like at eighteen, so yeah,

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Speaker 2: of course it was like, oh, yeah, whatever, we're just

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Speaker 2: having fun. But I mean, I will say the last

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Speaker 2: ten years I've been pretty solid on like wanting a

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Speaker 2: family and wanting to have kids. So you know, I

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Speaker 2: feel like, you know, fair at twenty too. You know,

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Speaker 2: I'm like kind of thinking that way, and he was

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Speaker 2: seemed to be on the same page.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and we're like allowed to change, right or do

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Speaker 5: you guys disagree?

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Speaker 1: Let's just say you can change. But I mean, I

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Speaker 1: guess if a decade goes by and you can change

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Speaker 1: your mind. But I think if you change your mind

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Speaker 1: in that way after saying no, no, it's good, it's good,

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Speaker 1: it's good, and then a decade later you're like, no,

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Speaker 1: it's not, I think you have to be prepared that

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Speaker 1: that person's going to say, well, I've been very honest

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Speaker 1: with you and transparent. We may be at a crossroad.

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Speaker 1: That's why I was curious about that. You do have

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Speaker 1: a right to change your mind. I was just curious

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Speaker 1: if you did, well, we grow, we evolve, because that

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Speaker 1: would be one thing. But you know, you're saying that

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Speaker 1: this guy has known for a long time that this

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Speaker 1: is what you want and hasn't done it. Yeah, you

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Speaker 1: gotta go, Yeah, you gotta go, up, you gotta go. No,

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Speaker 1: I don't blame you for being afraid. I don't blame you,

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Speaker 1: but like, I don't think it's going to happen, and

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Speaker 1: if it does, it's going to because you you're going

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Speaker 1: to feel like you force his hand in it. Yeah, right,

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Speaker 1: and that's not a good feeling, and that's not fair

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Speaker 1: to you.

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Speaker 4: No, he's in the way of your husband. You know

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Speaker 4: your husband is a or to him, right.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because if he didn't really want it, then like

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Speaker 2: we're both fooling ourselves.

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Speaker 1: Let me, Shannon, take some phone calls on this. But

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Speaker 1: I don't mean to be harsh, I really don't, but

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Speaker 1: I just I you know, my gut tells me that

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Speaker 1: this this isn't going to happen on its own, and

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Speaker 1: if it does, it will probably be You'll probably wonder

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Speaker 1: for the rest of your life, did I make this

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Speaker 1: guy do this? And I don't think that's a great

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Speaker 1: feeling to have, even if it's not justified. Even if

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Speaker 1: he's right on the verge and then you push him

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Speaker 1: and then he does it, you're still gonna be like

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Speaker 1: I had to push you, and I don't think that's cool.

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Speaker 1: But man, and let me take some calls and have

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Speaker 1: the radio on and we'll see what happens. But good luck,

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Speaker 1: thank you. I'm eight five three five high, Amanda. How

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Speaker 1: are you?

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Speaker 6: I'm good?

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Speaker 7: How are you?

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Speaker 1: Doing great, Sargo, What do you think, I.

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Speaker 6: Say, go, I've been with my boyfriend for ten years,

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Speaker 6: but we started dating at fourteen, so I'm twenty four now,

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Speaker 6: and we've talked about getting a ring. We just have

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Speaker 6: kind of surpassed our first year in both of our

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Speaker 6: you know, start of our so we were kind of

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Speaker 6: just waiting on that. But we're both aligned on the

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Speaker 6: whole kid thing, and I think if you're not, that's

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Speaker 6: a deal breaker.

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Speaker 1: I will say, to start a relationship at fourteen, I mean, yeah,

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Speaker 1: people get married. I mean people get married at eighteens.

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Speaker 1: You know they get married, Yeah, they do. Yeah, No,

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Speaker 1: But I mean I would say, I'm not saying that

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Speaker 1: the first you know, three quarters of the relationship don't count.

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Speaker 1: They do, but it might be a little less realistic

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Speaker 1: to be married in the first part of that, right,

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Speaker 1: So now here we are, and so now I think

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Speaker 1: it's a valid conversation, and I'm not saying that the

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Speaker 1: ten years of your relationship don't count, but you're not

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Speaker 1: gonna get married at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seid probably so,

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I would think this guy would know where

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Speaker 1: he stands with you at this point, after all this time.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, and you you can't change someone's mind that easily

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Speaker 6: on a topic that's huge.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, And it's not the kind of thing

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Speaker 1: I want to wonder. It's not the kind of thing

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Speaker 1: I want to wonder for the rest of my life.

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Speaker 1: Even if it even if it works, I still don't

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Speaker 1: want to be like man, I had to make it.

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Speaker 1: I do that, right.

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Speaker 6: I don't think you mentioned gil. I agree, Gil is

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Speaker 6: not something you want in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Amanda, thank you, have a good day, good luck, Thanks,

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Speaker 1: bred bye, thanks for calling. Hey, Bethany, good morning, Hi,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Hi Bethany stare Go.

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Speaker 7: So I think that she's got to go. There's after

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Speaker 7: fifteen years. If you're not ready, you're never going to

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Speaker 7: be ready. There's no way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't think this guy wants to be married.

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Speaker 1: I mean because again, good enough for fifteen years. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to say not good enough for marriage, but

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Speaker 1: that doesn't make sense, right, Like, if you're good enough

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Speaker 1: for fifteen years, then you're good enough for marriage unless

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Speaker 1: you just don't want to be married, and then that's

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Speaker 1: okay too. But I don't think he wants to be married.

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Speaker 1: So what's like the cutoff year wise?

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Speaker 3: Like, are we concerned at.

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Speaker 1: Seven years half a lifetime ago? I don't know, because

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Speaker 1: he is about to be there. Yeah, I'm about to

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Speaker 1: cut him off. I don't know. I don't know that

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Speaker 1: it takes. I don't think it takes that long to

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Speaker 1: know if you want to be married.

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Speaker 4: No, it doesn't take that long to know if you

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Speaker 4: want to be married. I think it takes. We have

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Speaker 4: to be realistic. There's a life thing. There's the things

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Speaker 4: that happen in people's lives that forgive me. There always

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Speaker 4: will be, There, always will be. However, she she doesn't

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Speaker 4: have a reason. He can't even give her a reason

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Speaker 4: on why it hasn't happened. Now I know several reasons

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Speaker 4: on why things haven't happened and why. You know, if

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Speaker 4: you're being if that's really what you want and your

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Speaker 4: partner won't give it to you, like leave, there's no

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Speaker 4: reason to stay in it. But there's I mean, you

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Speaker 4: can't put a time stamp. I don't think there's a

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Speaker 4: certain year like at the five year marketing bands and

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Speaker 4: then you have to go like No, it's different for

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Speaker 4: every relationship. And people settle too and settle early, and

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Speaker 4: that doesn't work out great either.

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Speaker 1: So it's like, you just got to do what works

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Speaker 1: for you. Bethany, she got to go. I think she.

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Speaker 7: I think so for sure if she wants, if she

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Speaker 7: values marriage, and it doesn't sound like he does, then

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Speaker 7: there's the answer.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Thank you, Bethany. Have a great day, you too,

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Speaker 1: Glad you called. Thank you for listening. Carrie, Hi carry

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Speaker 1: good morning. You did this this? Yes, okay, so tell

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Speaker 1: me about it.

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Speaker 3: So me and my have been met when I was

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Speaker 3: fifteen and he was eighteen, and we instantly got together.

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Speaker 3: You know, we had a child. Accidentally, we had a child,

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Speaker 3: and we decided, okay, we don't want to do the

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Speaker 3: lockdown get married thing, you know, because we were both

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Speaker 3: so young we wanted to live our life and all

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Speaker 3: of that. But then I got older and then I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 3: you know, we got a kid, we got kids, whatever,

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Speaker 3: I want to get married. He still didn't want to.

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Speaker 3: And I kind of understood that because from a man's standpoint,

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Speaker 3: you know, you guys feel differently than women. Do. You

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Speaker 3: have different emotions, different things that you go through. The

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Speaker 3: older you get, the more you're just like, okay, I'm

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Speaker 3: too old for this. Just pasterone. All that kind of

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Speaker 3: stuff comes into play. So I think she should stay.

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Speaker 3: I don't think that he doesn't value it. I think

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Speaker 3: that there could be something there that she just doesn't realize,

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Speaker 3: or maybe it could be childhood trauma that he's went through,

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Speaker 3: or even some kind of emotion that he's going through

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Speaker 3: that maybe they just need to sit down and, like

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Speaker 3: you know, have a conversation, maybe compromise with each other. Okay,

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Speaker 3: well you want children, let's have children. Don't have his

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Speaker 3: last name. You'll still be their father. It's not like

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Speaker 3: you won't be in their life. It's just maybe come

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Speaker 3: to a compromise and then later on get married. I

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Speaker 3: know people that have been together for fifty years still

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Speaker 3: haven't gotten married and they still love each other.

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Speaker 1: Well see now, And I agree with that. Like, like

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Speaker 1: I said earlier, I could see myself in a situation

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Speaker 1: where I get with somebody and we're just happy and

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Speaker 1: we don't do it at this point in life, and

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Speaker 1: that's fine, but that we would both have to be

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Speaker 1: aligned in that correct. If one person wants that the

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Speaker 1: other person doesn't, that's a fundamental disagreement that's going to

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Speaker 1: be a problem. Hey, thank you so much, Carrie. Have

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Speaker 1: a good day.

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Speaker 3: You're welcome.

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Speaker 1: Glad you called. Hey, hold on a second, I'll get

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Speaker 1: back to say. What's that Carrie's with in her life?

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Speaker 7: Having kids with this man.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it was on purpose. But Adriana, Hi, Hi,

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Speaker 1: good morning.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 1: So this happened.

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Speaker 4: You?

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Speaker 1: You did this. You you gave your fiance and ultimatum.

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Speaker 1: What's the situation.

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Speaker 8: So we've been together since we were nineteen, we were

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Speaker 8: college sweethearts. I just said, I do not want to

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Speaker 8: be one of those people who is been dating ten

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Speaker 8: years and doesn't have a ring, Like we either are

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Speaker 8: going to be in this for the rest of our

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Speaker 8: lives or we're not. So I said, by year six.

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Speaker 8: I gave that ultimatum because I know what I want

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Speaker 8: in life. By year six, if I don't have a ring,

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Speaker 8: I'm out. I got my ring and we've been engaged

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Speaker 8: for two years now. I have no plan on having

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Speaker 8: a wedding anytime soon. But for me, it was I

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Speaker 8: wanted the ring. And yeah, now we're now we've been

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Speaker 8: together eight years.

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Speaker 1: Yes, okay, so Adrian, I'm not I'm not like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not criticizing you whatsoever. But you demanded a ring, you

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Speaker 1: got it. But you don't necessarily want to get married.

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Speaker 1: I mean, so okay, I mean I almost feel like

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Speaker 1: you're not.

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Speaker 3: Going to get married.

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Speaker 8: But we just bought a house in August. I finished

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Speaker 8: my masters next year, so after I finish everything, then

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Speaker 8: that's the next plan.

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Speaker 1: Okay, that I could be a fiance. I'm gonna I

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Speaker 1: with somebody for six years or seven years or whatever.

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Speaker 1: They like, I have to have a ring. Well, i'd

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Speaker 1: probably give you a ring, and it's all I gotta do.

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Speaker 1: And then I bought myself another seven years, Like yeah, okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: here you go. I mean I might, I might be

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Speaker 1: inclined to do that. So wait, that's all I gotta do.

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Speaker 1: I just bought myself more time. I mean, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It's just so un romantic. It's like, I feel like

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Speaker 1: this either happens in a reasonable period of time or

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Speaker 1: it doesn't, and it's all right, and it's okay if

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Speaker 1: it doesn't. But if one person wants it and the

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Speaker 1: other person is struggling with it, you may never get there,

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Speaker 1: and that's okay, but then you may need to go

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Speaker 1: another direction. I don't know, what do I know? Multiple people? Adriana,

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Speaker 1: thank you have a good day. We're at a time

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Speaker 1: and we got to go. But I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: don't thank everybody. And see you telling these people that

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Speaker 1: right right, people are listening to you.

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Speaker 5: There was a little girl that was like I'm single

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Speaker 5: time May.

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Speaker 1: She was six. You know, inspired the you that's get

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Speaker 1: that's what key's going out here. You give a Ted

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Speaker 1: Talks kindergarten