1
00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:04,200
Speaker 1: It is time now forward today's Strawberry Letter, and if

2
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:08,320
Speaker 1: you need advice on relationships, dating, work, sex, parenting, and more,

3
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,840
Speaker 1: please submit your Strawberry Letter to Steve MARVFM dot com

4
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,560
Speaker 1: and click submit Strawberry Letter. We could be reading your

5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,800
Speaker 1: letter live on the air, just like we're going to

6
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,599
Speaker 1: read this one right here, right now. You never know,

7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:26,040
Speaker 1: it could be yours. All right, everybody, buckle up and

8
00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:28,000
Speaker 1: hold on tight. It's time for to Strawberry lettle my

9
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:34,559
Speaker 1: friend Shirley Strawberry, Thank you, my friend junior. Subject what

10
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,960
Speaker 1: happened his ex wife got a real Christmas tree is

11
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,559
Speaker 1: the subject of this letter for today. Dear Stephen Shirley,

12
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,960
Speaker 1: I'm on my second marriage and there's an issue in

13
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,239
Speaker 1: my marriage. My husband was married for eighteen years and

14
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,440
Speaker 1: he's got two daughters and joint custody of them. I

15
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,160
Speaker 1: have a daughter that lives with us. We've blended the

16
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,320
Speaker 1: family nicely, and his daughters were sweet to my daughter,

17
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,480
Speaker 1: but they liked to remind her that their father is

18
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,640
Speaker 1: not her father. My husband is not good at setting

19
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:07,280
Speaker 1: boundaries for his ex wife. When we started dating, he

20
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,920
Speaker 1: let me know that he and his are friends and

21
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,280
Speaker 1: whatever he does for her is for his daughters. I

22
00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:16,039
Speaker 1: can accept that, but when it gets to be too much,

23
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,600
Speaker 1: I stepped in to help him set boundaries. The other day,

24
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,640
Speaker 1: he told me that since his ex wife and the

25
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,280
Speaker 1: girls moved into a new house, he wanted to buy

26
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,280
Speaker 1: his daughter's a nice Christmas tree. I was against it,

27
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:34,160
Speaker 1: but then I realized his daughter's feelings. Ben I considered

28
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,960
Speaker 1: his daughter's feelings and I agreed to it. We got

29
00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,040
Speaker 1: a little seven foot artificial tree out of the storage room,

30
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:44,000
Speaker 1: and I went and bought new ornaments. Saturday, he told

31
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,400
Speaker 1: me he was picking up his daughters to get a tree,

32
00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:50,240
Speaker 1: and he took my daughter with them. I wasn't invited.

33
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,720
Speaker 1: Two hours after they left, my daughter posted a video

34
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,040
Speaker 1: and her Instagram story and they were shopping for a

35
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:01,720
Speaker 1: real tree. They picked a giant, a full, real fluffy tree.

36
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,560
Speaker 1: I had assumed they would go to Walmart and buy

37
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,680
Speaker 1: an artificial tree. My daughter said. They took the tree

38
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,400
Speaker 1: to his ex wife hows and he set it up

39
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,000
Speaker 1: for them. He set it up for them and they

40
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,800
Speaker 1: decorated it together. I was crushed because I decorated our

41
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,600
Speaker 1: fake tree alone while they were gone. My husband always

42
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:23,160
Speaker 1: justifies things by saying that his daughters shouldn't suffer because

43
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,200
Speaker 1: he left their mother. Does he do it out of guilt?

44
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,360
Speaker 1: Will his ex wife be forever a part of our family?

45
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,000
Speaker 1: Well yeah, in a sense. She may not be a

46
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,880
Speaker 1: part of your family. Okay, but she is a mother

47
00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:41,280
Speaker 1: of your husband's daughters, and those are your stepdaughters. So

48
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,640
Speaker 1: the ex will always be in your life somehow. Okay,

49
00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:47,480
Speaker 1: as long as you know she's got the daughters in everything,

50
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,920
Speaker 1: you know. My issue is with you though, really, I

51
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,120
Speaker 1: mean this is kind of petty. You're worried about a

52
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,520
Speaker 1: Christmas tree here. I think you're saying it's about that,

53
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,560
Speaker 1: but what it really is is that you don't want

54
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,880
Speaker 1: your man over there, and you don't want him over

55
00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:04,720
Speaker 1: there doing stuff for them like putting up the tree

56
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,320
Speaker 1: as a family. I think you're jealous where this is concerned,

57
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,560
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you don't be insecure. Because he still

58
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,160
Speaker 1: wants to spend time with his daughters. That means he's

59
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,480
Speaker 1: a good dad. Okay. He's right, he left their mom,

60
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,800
Speaker 1: not his kids, so he wants to continue to show

61
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,240
Speaker 1: up in their life for them as their father. He

62
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,079
Speaker 1: and the ex don't have anything going on. I mean,

63
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:31,639
Speaker 1: if you guys can't afford it. Why don't you, you know,

64
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,320
Speaker 1: if there's something wrong with your tree, why don't you

65
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,720
Speaker 1: and your husband and the girls go out and get

66
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,080
Speaker 1: a tree. You didn't have to stay there and decorate

67
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,880
Speaker 1: the tree by yourself. You could have waited until they

68
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,960
Speaker 1: came home and you guys could have done it together.

69
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,280
Speaker 1: You know, he just went with the girls to get

70
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,560
Speaker 1: a new tree. You need to talk to him if

71
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,800
Speaker 1: you have a problem with how he's moving right now.

72
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,920
Speaker 1: But he sounds like a father who's just trying to

73
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,520
Speaker 1: do the right thing. To me. As crazy as that

74
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,400
Speaker 1: all seems, it sounds. Yeah, I don't have a problem

75
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:05,800
Speaker 1: with this. Well, it's a twofold situation. In my eyes,

76
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,800
Speaker 1: he's being a good dad and he's being punished for that.

77
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,880
Speaker 1: But he's doing it, and he's making a couple of

78
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:18,240
Speaker 1: mistakes the way he's doing it. You know, first of all,

79
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:22,359
Speaker 1: when y'all this is both of y'all second marriage, he

80
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:29,920
Speaker 1: set this whole thing up by telling you that, you know, look, well,

81
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do stuff with a daughter, and I'm gonna

82
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,799
Speaker 1: do stuff for my daughter, and I'm gonna do stuff

83
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,760
Speaker 1: for her. But the reason I'm doing it for her,

84
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,720
Speaker 1: is for my daughter. He set all of this up

85
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,880
Speaker 1: with you in the beginning because he's active in that

86
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,279
Speaker 1: life as he should be. Now you all say, you

87
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,000
Speaker 1: all have blended the family together nicely. But the daughters

88
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,040
Speaker 1: are sweet to your daughter, but they always remind her

89
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:55,200
Speaker 1: that ain't your daddy. They do that. Kid's gonna be kids.

90
00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:59,520
Speaker 1: They're gonna jockey for position. Your husband is not good

91
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,880
Speaker 1: with set boundaries for his ex wife, and his ex

92
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:09,240
Speaker 1: wife is flexing because she has two kids with him

93
00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:12,400
Speaker 1: and she's taking advantage of it. Now, let's get to

94
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,039
Speaker 1: the whole thing about what this letter is about. His

95
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:19,120
Speaker 1: ex got a real Christmas tree. First of all, when

96
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,440
Speaker 1: he picked up the daughter, when he picked up his

97
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:28,599
Speaker 1: two daughters, and he took your daughter. He took your daughter,

98
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:33,560
Speaker 1: which is his daughter, which is to with his biological daughters,

99
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,200
Speaker 1: because he wanted to get them a tree because they

100
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:43,320
Speaker 1: had moved into a new house. Well, now he's a problem.

101
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:49,040
Speaker 1: You made dog when you took your daughter from your

102
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,720
Speaker 1: new wife with you, and she posted it on a story.

103
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:58,480
Speaker 1: So I'm assuming that these these might be teenage kids

104
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,760
Speaker 1: if they can post on story. Reason, Wait a minute,

105
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,880
Speaker 1: what did you say? Wait? Say that one more time, Steve,

106
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:11,240
Speaker 1: about the daughters. What just I just wanted you to

107
00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:13,760
Speaker 1: say that one more time. What you said about the daughters.

108
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,480
Speaker 1: He has two daughters with his ex. He has two

109
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,000
Speaker 1: daughters with his ex, and then the wife had a daughter.

110
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,799
Speaker 1: The new wife has a second wife has a daughter. Okay,

111
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:28,560
Speaker 1: well see that's his daughter. Oh he has three daughters. Now, yeah, right,

112
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,839
Speaker 1: separate them. If you separate them, they will help you

113
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,000
Speaker 1: separate that. Yeah. Yeah, that's what the deal is. When

114
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,000
Speaker 1: I come back, I'm gonna tell you the mistake he's

115
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,000
Speaker 1: making with them. He's a great dad, but he's all right.

116
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,960
Speaker 1: We'll have part two of Steve's response coming up at

117
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,880
Speaker 1: twenty three minutes after the hour. Today's Strawberry letter subject

118
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,840
Speaker 1: is his ex wife got a real Christmas tree. We'll

119
00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:56,919
Speaker 1: get back into it right after this. You're listening, all right, Steve,

120
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,720
Speaker 1: Come on, let's recap today's Strawberry letter. The subject his

121
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,400
Speaker 1: wife got a real Christmas tree. Okay, So on the break,

122
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,159
Speaker 1: I read this letter again. This marriage. This man was

123
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,200
Speaker 1: married to this woman for eighteen years and they got

124
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:11,080
Speaker 1: two daughters. His ex wife were married eighteen years and

125
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,240
Speaker 1: they got two daughters. So I'm going to assume to

126
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,960
Speaker 1: these two daughters a teenager because they got Instagram and

127
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:21,520
Speaker 1: they posted stories. You. She the woman he's married to

128
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,640
Speaker 1: now who's writing this letter. She has a daughter from

129
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,240
Speaker 1: her previous marriage. I don't know how old she is,

130
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:32,320
Speaker 1: but they treat her nicely, but they do remind her

131
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:36,440
Speaker 1: that he's not your real daddy. That's our real daddy.

132
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,920
Speaker 1: But they treated nicely, and you all have been and

133
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,560
Speaker 1: they're sweet to the girl. Okay, cool, So we got

134
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,680
Speaker 1: that out the way. Now. The man set this up

135
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,320
Speaker 1: by telling you, listen, I'm gonna do some things for

136
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,679
Speaker 1: my wife, my ex wife, because we're friends, but everything

137
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,480
Speaker 1: I do first because of the daughter. You are okay

138
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,280
Speaker 1: with that. Now let's get to what the problem is.

139
00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,800
Speaker 1: It's a Christmas tree. He the ex wife and the

140
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,920
Speaker 1: two daughters that moved into a new house. He wants

141
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:08,520
Speaker 1: to get them a nice tree for their house for Christmas. Okay,

142
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,920
Speaker 1: So he takes your daughter, which is his daughter from

143
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:19,080
Speaker 1: this marriage, Christmas tree shopping with his daughters from his

144
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,760
Speaker 1: previous marriage, and he goes and buys them a real

145
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,640
Speaker 1: Christmas tree, big old fluffy tree. You then went to

146
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,920
Speaker 1: the storage room and went out and got that little

147
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:37,000
Speaker 1: ragged ass. See his tree seven fell, that's in the

148
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:41,920
Speaker 1: box you've been putting up for years. And so now

149
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:48,679
Speaker 1: you bought some ornaments for the treat, some new ornaments.

150
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,520
Speaker 1: They went tree shopping. You look on the instagram, you'll

151
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,679
Speaker 1: daughter and posted they bought a tree. They take the

152
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,160
Speaker 1: tree to his ex wife's house where his daughters live.

153
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,319
Speaker 1: They set the tree up and they all decorated. Now

154
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,320
Speaker 1: you said earlier they went Christmas tree shopping and you

155
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,560
Speaker 1: weren't invited. Okay, it was just him and the girls.

156
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,000
Speaker 1: So that's cool because the tree is for the girls.

157
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,959
Speaker 1: But it's at the ex wife house. I mean that's

158
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:22,720
Speaker 1: where they Yeah, so in a way, this would be cool.

159
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:28,720
Speaker 1: Here's the mistake he's making. You've gotten to not make

160
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:36,080
Speaker 1: them kids feel and see a difference. You've got to

161
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,360
Speaker 1: go above and beyond in treating them the same. And

162
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,240
Speaker 1: this is not your stepdaughter, this is your daughter. If

163
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,320
Speaker 1: if the daughters get a real tree, everybody get a

164
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,880
Speaker 1: real tree. Yeah. See, he should have bought two real trees.

165
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,319
Speaker 1: What he should have been because you can't make the

166
00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:01,520
Speaker 1: quote unquote stepdaughter feel step out. See the reason we

167
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,880
Speaker 1: never used the word step in our family was because

168
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:09,199
Speaker 1: when you say step child, it's usually like a step down,

169
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,880
Speaker 1: and it's like a step down from the level that

170
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,320
Speaker 1: the regular children. That's why we never used that term.

171
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,040
Speaker 1: So now, but you can't let him see or feel

172
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,280
Speaker 1: a difference. Now, if his daughter's got a big, fluffy

173
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,800
Speaker 1: Christmas tree, he shouldn't got a big Christmas tree at

174
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:30,920
Speaker 1: his house too. That's the mistake, key man. Yes, that

175
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,679
Speaker 1: would that that would have cleared this whole thing up.

176
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,920
Speaker 1: And bro, that's all you got to do. Everybody got

177
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:41,600
Speaker 1: to get equal and light treat the period. And you

178
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,080
Speaker 1: can't have your new wife feeling some kind of way

179
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,880
Speaker 1: because you're doing all this extra stuff for your ex wife,

180
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,480
Speaker 1: because that's how she's looking at that too. Oh she

181
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,320
Speaker 1: got a treat, And y'all all decorated a tree together.

182
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,360
Speaker 1: I didn't know you was gonna go over there and

183
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,640
Speaker 1: put it up and decorate it together. I wanted to

184
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,640
Speaker 1: surprise y'all when you came home. Y'all come home late.

185
00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:03,280
Speaker 1: I decorated the tree by myself, and y'all ass was

186
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:07,320
Speaker 1: over there having family time. Right, You see why she

187
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,679
Speaker 1: said when you see now, she's gonna be upset about

188
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,679
Speaker 1: that dog. And this is your fault because you gotta

189
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,400
Speaker 1: do everything equal. If you're over there having hot chocolate,

190
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:20,680
Speaker 1: you got to come home have hot chocolate. You don't

191
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,080
Speaker 1: bought the vodka pound cake from Nemon Marcus over there,

192
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,079
Speaker 1: You got to come in your house with the vaca

193
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,480
Speaker 1: pound cake. Ok, you don't see. That's what you gotta

194
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,680
Speaker 1: do now, Bro, that's the mistake you make. And you've

195
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,880
Speaker 1: got to sit your husband down and say, hey, listen,

196
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:42,480
Speaker 1: we can't feel like we're second class citizens when it

197
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,920
Speaker 1: comes to special events while your ex and your biological

198
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:51,240
Speaker 1: children get all the perks. So I think that's unfair.

199
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,319
Speaker 1: So you can do whatever you want to do for them.

200
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,040
Speaker 1: I'm not stopping you, but you needed to start doing

201
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,960
Speaker 1: the same thing over here. See that real big fluffy

202
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,079
Speaker 1: tree that was builty, but that would look good in

203
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:04,640
Speaker 1: this house too. Yeah, they should go get one. See

204
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,640
Speaker 1: because they had a new house. He feels like they

205
00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:09,240
Speaker 1: should get a new treat. Well, well, and you got

206
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240
Speaker 1: to get to everybody else a new tree. Though. Someday

207
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:13,840
Speaker 1: I thought came to my head because a lot of

208
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:18,199
Speaker 1: mothers have mom guilt, Do dads have dad guilt as well?

209
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,160
Speaker 1: Is that what he's dealing with dad guilt as well.

210
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:26,839
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, he said in the letter, they can't pay

211
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:31,400
Speaker 1: because I left their mother right right, left their mother,

212
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:36,800
Speaker 1: not them. M see. But then also now you gotta

213
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:41,240
Speaker 1: be careful of the Disney dad syndrome too. Yeah, exactly. See,

214
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,880
Speaker 1: when you do see the kids, you can't beat Disney Dad.

215
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,000
Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden when you go home

216
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,319
Speaker 1: to your family, ain't no Disney right, it's just the

217
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:55,600
Speaker 1: old tree. Oh man, you got Disney Dad mode all

218
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,520
Speaker 1: the way around. Boyd bro All right, post your comments

219
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:02,440
Speaker 1: on today's Strawberry Letter. It's RVFM on Instagram and Facebook,

220
00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:05,719
Speaker 1: and check out the Strawberry Letter podcast on demand. Now

221
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,920
Speaker 1: coming up at forty six minutes after the hour, we

222
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,600
Speaker 1: got Junior with Sports Talk. Right after this. You're listening

223
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,679
Speaker 1: to this Dave Harvey Morning Show