WEBVTT - From Lassie to Jesus 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:04.200 There are ten people I would like to meet when 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:07.400 I get to the Pearly Gates. I'm going to list 0:00:07.480 --> 0:00:11.760 them on my show, and one is not Phoebe Kates. 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:14.800 Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she wouldn't be in 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:19.919 heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person, a wonderful, 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:26.520 blonderful person. Ten people I would like to meet in Heaven. Hello, 0:00:26.560 --> 0:00:29.560 podcast listeners. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I'm an 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:33.760 exceptional man. About a year ago, another wonderful man named 0:00:33.800 --> 0:00:37.640 Mitch Palbon came out with a very popular book called 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:41.000 The Five People You Meet in Heaven, And although I 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:43.800 didn't read the book, it was a big time bestseller. 0:00:44.360 --> 0:00:47.600 I prefer saucier stuff when I read. I like historical 0:00:47.720 --> 0:00:51.240 novels about lords and ladies and body wenches and sword 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:54.720 play I do. I like sword play in my fiction, 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:58.160 and I like comely lasses too. I also like thought 0:00:58.280 --> 0:01:01.920 provoking literature about the Roman Times. I'm a bit of 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.760 a scholar when it comes to the Roman Times. Did 0:01:04.760 --> 0:01:07.600 you know that they didn't refer to the Roman Times 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:11.360 as the Roman Times? In the Roman Times? They didn't. 0:01:12.000 --> 0:01:14.319 They called them the now Times, just like we do now. 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:19.319 Isn't that funny. Oh yes, yes, Carolina is here as always. 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:23.199 She's my partner in crime for these entertaining talkie talks 0:01:23.200 --> 0:01:26.319 we do called podcast. Hello there, old friend. Were you 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:29.399 going to tell people what to show is all about? Nonsense? 0:01:29.440 --> 0:01:32.360 It's about nonsense like it is every week. I'm going 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:34.920 to talk and talk and talk until it's all over, 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:37.360 and then I'm going to walk to my car, take 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:39.080 a nap in my car, and then drive to a 0:01:39.120 --> 0:01:42.360 supermarket and get a bottle of scotch. From there, I'll 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:45.280 head home so I can lounge on my balcony and 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:48.480 the nude drinking Scotch until I pass out. At some 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:50.840 point I will eat a steak. You told me there 0:01:50.880 --> 0:01:54.680 was a theme to today's show, though I did, Oh 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:58.200 so I did. It was the book by Mitch Gablon 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:04.200 called People You've Got to Meet in Heaven. Well, guess what, Carolina. 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:07.440 We are going to beat this Ganton guy and we're 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:11.160 going to talk about not five, but ten people I 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:14.240 would like to meet in heaven. That's twice what that 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:16.960 guy talked about. So today's episode is going to be 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.200 about the ten people we would like to meet in heaven. 0:02:19.360 --> 0:02:22.760 That's right, And I think everyone has a shortlist of 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:26.280 people throughout history that they would like to meet when 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:29.200 they finally get to Heaven. I mean, don't you, Carolina, 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:32.320 I don't know. I don't mean you probably could make 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:34.920 I mean, let's be clear, Heaven's not just going to 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:37.240 be about meeting people. There will be tennis courts and 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.920 poolside bars with all you can eat, buffets with tacos 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:43.240 and make your own ice cream Sundays. There will be 0:02:43.280 --> 0:02:46.760 movie nights and meet and greet socials and Katie Hawkins 0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:50.280 dances and let's not forget world class Sadie Hawkins dance. 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:55.560 You mean, yeah, Sadie or Katie, depends on what part 0:02:55.560 --> 0:02:58.680 of the country you're from. Also, let's not forget in 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:01.919 Heaven there's gonna be world class entertainment along with seven 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:05.560 gaming rooms and the beds. Don't get me started on 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.799 the beds. The thread count on the sheets in Heaven 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:14.919 will be simply the best. I'm guessing Egyptian cotton, maybe Macy's, 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:17.480 or maybe they get a discounted bed bath. And beyond it, 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:20.360 I don't I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe the 0:03:20.400 --> 0:03:22.600 angels make the sheets and Heaven. You know what, Carolina, 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:27.680 you just don't know. You don't that's what That's what 0:03:27.760 --> 0:03:31.040 I know. You just don't know. You don't know much 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:35.680 about heaven except that it will be pure luxury. Oh Carolina, 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:38.560 You and I would love to have in my bathroom 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:42.080 up in heaven one of those shower nozzles that hits 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:44.480 you like thirty five different ways, right in the butt 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:47.440 hole and the donker. I've always wanted one of those. 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:49.280 How about you? What kind of shower would you like 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:52.080 in Heaven? Um, I don't know. I've never really thought 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:54.240 about it. I mean, I guess I would like it 0:03:54.360 --> 0:03:58.600 to work when I turn it on, and and I 0:03:58.680 --> 0:04:01.160 guess it would be great if the hot water didn't 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:04.680 cut out all of a sudden. Come on, Carolina, dream 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:07.240 a little. It's heaven we're talking about. I mean, I 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:10.800 like good water pressure, But what about thirty five jets 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:15.720 of high power water hitting your boobies in your butt? Um? Sure, 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:19.560 I guess I would like that. Now we're talking huh man, 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:22.360 I can hardly wait to get their TV in the bathroom. 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:24.720 Should we get on with the theme of today's show? 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:28.360 You bet. Here's the theme song I wrote for today's show. 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.080 Even though we always have our normal theme songs that 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:33.320 we play at the beginning of the podcast. But it 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:38.400 goes like this, there are ten people I would like 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:41.719 to meet when I get to the early gates. I'm 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:45.360 going to list them on my show. And one is 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:49.280 not Phoebe Kates. Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:54.159 wouldn't be in heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person, 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:58.200 a wonderful, blonderful person. Ten people I would like to 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:03.760 meet in heaven. Oh that grab you Huh? You just 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.280 made that up. I've been working on that theme song 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:10.880 for a week. Nope, Carolina, you are a quick little 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:14.680 smarty bands. I did indeed make that up. Well, let's 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:18.760 get on with today's show. The first person I would 0:05:18.839 --> 0:05:22.800 like to meet in heaven is Dougie Stupor knot. Who 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:27.640 is Douggy stupor Not? Interesting story. I was in junior high, 0:05:27.920 --> 0:05:31.480 so we are going back sometime. And I had a 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:35.200 baseball glove. And and this was not just any baseball glove, 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:38.560 you know what I mean? Baseball glove did I ever? 0:05:38.680 --> 0:05:41.919 I slept with it, I brought it to dances. I 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.120 went everywhere with that baseball glove. I didn't take that 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:48.400 darn thing off my hand for a whole year, and 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:53.880 then one day my baseball glove goes missing and I panic. 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:56.640 I mean, I tried to burn down the school. I 0:05:56.680 --> 0:06:00.360 called the FBI, no joke. I got a drug sniffing 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.320 dog and tried to teach it to smell leather. It 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:05.880 found horse saddles and wallets and car seats, but the 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.080 stupid dog never found my glove. Then one day I 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.520 got a hot tip. Some people said that they saw 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:15.400 Dougie stuborn Not with my glove in the park. Now 0:06:15.400 --> 0:06:17.719 stupor Ko had the locker right next to mine, so 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:20.880 it made perfect sense. I went to his house and 0:06:20.960 --> 0:06:24.839 I confronted him, and you know what he did, He 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:29.440 lied right to my face. So long story short, when 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:31.600 I get to Heaven, I'm gonna find doug you stuber Not, 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:33.840 and I'm gonna punch him in the nose and get 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:36.920 my glove back. The first person you meet in heaven 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:39.200 a guy named Dougie Stuborn. Not You're going to punch 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:42.400 in the nose. Okay, who else would you like to 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:47.960 meet in heaven? Michael Jackson? Oh okay, that's interesting. Why 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:51.200 does that surprise you? We we were friends once. I 0:06:51.240 --> 0:06:54.159 didn't know anything about any of that other junk that 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.479 was going on. I was. I was more friends with Tito, 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:58.919 but Michael and I had a love of animals. We shared. 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:03.080 He had his monkeys and I had Baxter. Anyway, most 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:05.200 people know that for a short while I had the 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:09.080 world's largest collection of domesticated big horn sheep. Can you 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:12.320 domesticate a big horn sheep? Not really, but I had 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.840 two of them in my backyard and they were about 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.600 as domesticated as you could get. That was the world's 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:21.720 largest collection, world's largest, or maybe they were they were 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:25.320 just sick, who knows. I had the Jackson's over for 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:28.760 dinner one night. Michael was just a boy, maybe fourteen. Anyway, 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.320 I could tell he liked the big horns, and well, 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:34.040 it was a wonderful night. We played twister and sang 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:36.520 songs and and then they left. And then I noticed 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:40.000 that one of my big horns was gone. Yeah, the 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:42.800 one I called lazy butt, on account that he never 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.560 moved or did anything and just sat around and looked 0:07:45.600 --> 0:07:49.040 tired and sad. And I found out years later Michael 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:52.080 Jackson has a whole zoo at his house. So the 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:54.480 proof is in the pudding. I know that that guy 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:57.120 stole one of my big horns. Anyway, when I get 0:07:57.120 --> 0:07:59.720 to Heaven, I'm gonna find Michael Jackson and punch him 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:01.360 in the news and find out what happened to my 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:04.480 bighorn sheep. So are there people you would want to 0:08:04.480 --> 0:08:07.680 meet in Heaven that you wouldn't punch the nose? Sure? 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:11.680 What about Yoda? Yoda from Star Wars? Yep, he's not 0:08:11.760 --> 0:08:15.520 real in heaven, he's real. I'd really like to sit 0:08:15.560 --> 0:08:19.280 down with Yoda. Not because he's a green blob of 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:22.720 a guy, or because he talks backwards, or because he's 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:25.480 a smart guy, or because he can float in the air. 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:27.600 I would like to talk to Yoda because he's like 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:32.360 eight hundred years old. How fun would that be? Right? 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:35.960 You could ask a guy like that almost anything. What 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:38.240 was it like to roll a hoop down the street 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:41.240 for fun? What? What what's it like to kill a witch? 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:44.679 Who was the baddest mofo during the Civil War? How 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:47.679 tall was Alexander Hamilton's And believe me, he would be 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:50.240 happy to tell you. That guy can talk up a stormy. 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:53.840 He takes his time, but he can sure talk. Did 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:56.760 you ever see the movie Star Wars. Did I see 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.679 Star Wars? Yes, it's it's a movie that takes place 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:04.440 in outer space with laser shooters. Huh did you see Yeah, 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:07.160 everyone saw Star Wars. Yes, I saw it. Then you 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:10.240 know about Yoda. He doesn't really show up until the 0:09:10.240 --> 0:09:14.040 Second Star Wars. You know. You may know it as 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:16.000 the fifth Star Wars, but in my day it was 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:20.000 called the second Star Wars. Actually, Ronald Reagan started Star Wars, 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:23.480 but George Lucas gave it the pizzas. So you would 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.160 like to meet Yoda in heaven and ask him about 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:29.480 notable moments from American history. Notice I said Yoda, not 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:34.120 baby Yoda. Baby Yoda is ridiculous and stupid. I had 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.880 no intention of ever talking to that guy. I don't 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:39.000 see what the big deal is. He's not cute, he 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:41.920 doesn't talk, he's not even a good actor, but the 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:44.880 real grown up Yoda. But he's a cool customer in heaven, 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:47.760 and there's there's probably a line out the back of 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:50.360 Heaven to talk to him or get him to sign stuff. 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:52.680 And I wouldn't wait in a line. But eventually I 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:55.560 get my chance to talk to Yoda. I'm not one 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:57.760 of those crazy Star wars. People you see down in 0:09:57.920 --> 0:10:00.440 my neck of the woods around comic con, you know 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:02.760 the type. They get all dressed up and play with 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:06.680 fake lightsabers. Carolina, you ever you ever heard of comic con? 0:10:07.360 --> 0:10:10.160 Once again, everyone has heard of comic con. Don't sense me. 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:12.800 It's a very big deal down in my neck of 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:16.120 the woods. It happens every year, and let me tell 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.160 you it is a magical extravagance. Of the streets are 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:21.280 filled with the colors of the rainbow, and there's like 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:24.839 sixteen Spider Man's and thirty Wonder Woman's and usually a 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:27.800 Count Dracula. And you're like, guy, is that the best 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:30.480 you can do? Count Dracula? But it's a it's a 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:33.199 ton of fun. I usually open up a little butter 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:35.680 brickle stand to make a few extra shekels the week 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:39.400 comic Con comes to town, don't It's called ron Burgundies 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:43.240 Bodacious butter brickle, and it's usually the hit a comic con. 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:47.160 Google it you'll see it's called ron burgundiese bodacious butter Brickle. 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:52.000 That's goody, you know, Carolina. Before we continue, I let's 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.320 take an ad break. We'll take a little pause here, 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:57.040 and when we come back, we will talk a little 0:10:57.040 --> 0:10:59.520 bit more on people I would love to meet in heaven. 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:14.880 And we're back at the Ron Burgundy Podcast. We're listening 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:18.680 to Ron list his ten people he would like to 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:22.200 meet in heaven. Yes, he's a controversial one. I'd like 0:11:22.240 --> 0:11:25.560 to meet John F. Kennedy when I get to heaven. No. Yeah, 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:28.720 he would be interesting, probably very smart. The main reason 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:32.800 I'd like to meet JFK. As he is sometimes known, 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:36.120 is because he might be able to confirm my deepest 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:40.160 suspicion about who really killed him. H Lee Harvey Oswald 0:11:40.240 --> 0:12:01.440 killed Kennedy. Ah, oh, Carolina, you said, unquestioning, naive young woman. 0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:04.600 I wouldn't expect you to understand. But the world isn't 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:07.600 always wrapped up in the neat little pink bow that 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:10.800 you wanted to be. No, there are a lot of 0:12:10.960 --> 0:12:14.760 theories about who killed Kennedy. Did the Russians do it? 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:19.200 What about the mob? Some people think Lyndon B. Johnson 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:22.840 paid Oswald to do it. Hoover was in love with Oswald. 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:24.840 That was a known fact, so maybe he did it. 0:12:25.600 --> 0:12:28.599 There are those not many who think Christopher Walkin did it. 0:12:29.320 --> 0:12:31.800 Even aliens come into play, But I've I've had my 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:35.439 own theory for quite some time. And if I get 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:37.400 a chance to ask j f K, I bet he 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:42.400 would tell me. I'm right. Who do you think killed Kennedy? Well, 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.760 simple math. Everyone knew the thirty fifth president was sleeping 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:50.800 with Marilyn Monroe, that voluptuous, blonde bombshell and Hollywood vixen. 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:55.120 And what red blooded American male would not sleep with 0:12:55.160 --> 0:13:00.600 Marilyn Monroe if given the chance? Huh? Wh wouldn't sleep 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:04.520 with Marilyn Monroe? Can you think of anyone? Would you 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:07.040 would sleep with her? Right? I mean, yeah, I guess 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:08.760 I would. You wouldn't kick her out of bed for 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:13.840 eating crackers? No, I wouldn't Marilyn Monroe? Classic, I mean, 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:16.280 I dig up her grave and take her for a 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:18.680 ride today if I thought the worms hadn't already eaten 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:27.120 her up. Oh my god? Uh uh you know what? No, 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:29.920 I yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Don't work, you 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.520 know what? I will edit that out later. No, No, 0:13:32.559 --> 0:13:36.720 I got it. Anyway, all of Washington, New JFK, and 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:40.040 Maryland were sneaking off to engage in sexual activity, and 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:42.840 this did not sit well with someone in particular. And 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:47.280 this someone hatched a plan. While the motorcaid steered its 0:13:47.280 --> 0:13:50.400 way through the hot streets of Dallas that unforgettable day, 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.959 Jacqueline Lee Kennedy reached into her purse and pulled out 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.000 a tiny pistol that blew open our president's head. So 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.800 do you think Jackie Kennedy killed jfk Hell no fury 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:05.000 like a woman scorned. It's a theory. I dabbled in criminology, 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:07.160 A parlor game, really, but it's a lot of fun. 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:09.480 So if I saw him in heaven, I would ask him, Hey, 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:11.640 did your wife shoot you in the head. I can 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.040 see it now, the slow smile and the chuckle and 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:17.080 finally the admission. You'd probably shake my hand as the 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:21.560 first person to solve the case. Anyway, who else? I mean, 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.400 you can meet anyone. What about like Gandhi or Napoleon 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:31.560 or Lincoln. I've got one Jerry Lewis. That guy always 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:34.040 made me laugh with his antics, The King of slapstick. 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:39.720 Jerry Lewis. What a performer. That's a guy I would 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:43.600 want to meet. Then I'd go for jazz musician Miles Davis. 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.920 That's pretty cool, ye, Well, for those of you who 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:50.960 don't know, I play a pretty solid jazz flute. In fact, 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:54.360 I'd say I can sit in with the best of them. Anyway, 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.560 Miles and I go way back. I was once covering 0:14:57.560 --> 0:14:59.760 a news story in a little town outside of Denver 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:04.240 called Mullenston. Look it up, It's on Google. And after 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:07.480 a after a long day's work, I pulled into a 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:10.280 roadside bar to have a scotch and check out the 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:14.080 local color. Up on the bandstand was none other than 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:17.440 Miles Davis. This was in his Coltrane period, so it 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:21.160 was him and John Coltrane. Anyway. The crowd was comprised 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:24.120 of mainly cowboys and hicks, and it it struck me 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:26.320 as odd that Miles would have gotten the gig in 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:28.600 this out of the way joint. But I was digging 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:30.600 the sound and enjoying the scotch when all of a 0:15:30.600 --> 0:15:33.360 sudden there was a roar of thunder and the doors 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:36.320 burst open. It was a biker gang, but not just 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:39.680 any biker gang, but the most fearsome of them all, 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:43.280 the Crimson Dragons. I thought the Hell's Angels were like 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:46.520 the most notorious biker gang. Okay, but you know what, 0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:49.000 this is my story, Caroline. If you want to make 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:51.280 up a biker gang name for your stories, then you 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.000 can do that. But but this is my story. So 0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:56.800 the Crimson Dragons it is. It just doesn't even sound tough. 0:15:56.840 --> 0:15:59.720 It sounds like a girls soccer team. These were tough 0:15:59.760 --> 0:16:03.720 guy eyes. It must have been fifty of them, leather jackets, beards, 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:06.920 blue jeans, the whole nine yards. And they didn't like jazz. 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:09.840 The leader of the group a big scary guy named 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:13.040 Mustache Bill. Yell out, get them musicians off the stage. 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:17.120 Mustache the leader of the Crimson Dragons. Yes, he was 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:21.840 six ft ten weighed three hundred pounds. To kill him 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:25.400 with a gun would take fifteen rounds. He ate like 0:16:25.440 --> 0:16:28.600 a bear, and he smelled like one too. Every time 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.640 he pooped it was a mountain of pooh. In one 0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:35.520 hand he held across from his wife. In the other 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:38.840 hand he carried a big bowie knife. The cross was 0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:42.440 for prayer and the knife for to kill. And that's 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:47.000 why they called him Mustache Bill. You wrote a poem. 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:50.360 I'm not sure what you're talking about anyway, This mean 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:54.320 old Mustache Bill says, get them musicians off the stage. 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:58.640 And I could see that Miles and Train were scared 0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:01.760 to death. The old gang started running for the band, 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:05.440 knocking over chairs and tossing people around. Well that's when 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:07.760 I remember that I had my flute with me, and 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:10.240 as they are running to beat up the guys in 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:13.520 the band, I yell out, anyone who doesn't like jazz 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:16.639 is a square. And I know it sounds like a 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:21.080 pretty soft insult these days, but back then, whoa boy? 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:23.439 You call someone a square? And it was like calling 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:27.879 them a mother today anyway, the guy comes to a 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:31.400 dead halt and turns to look at me. The bar 0:17:31.640 --> 0:17:34.439 is as quiet as a whorehouse on a Sunday morning. 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:38.360 Mustache Bill starts to walk towards me, holding the big 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:43.439 booie knife that there wasn't a poem. He starts to 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.240 walk towards me, and that's when I bring the flute 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:50.560 to my mouth and blow. At first something soft and juicy, 0:17:50.880 --> 0:17:53.720 But then my mojo gets going and I get real soulful, 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:56.640 and some of the guys in the motorcycle gang start 0:17:56.680 --> 0:17:59.120 getting into the groove, as they say, and I get 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:01.920 deeper into a day own home jazz funk kind of thing. 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:05.000 The rhythm section starts to join in, and I can 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.280 see now I have the whole gang in the palm 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:10.919 of my hand. Then Miles and Coltrane start playing with me. 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:14.680 Each new riff has them cheering and shouting. They hardly 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:17.680 let us finish. I want more jazz, shouted Mustache Bill. 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:21.439 We played on into the morning. Miles Davis thank me 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.800 for saving the band, and off I went into the 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:27.080 early morning air of the Rocky Mountains, satisfied that jazz 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:31.240 flute had saved another life. So yeah, I'd like to 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:34.280 see my old friend Miles Davis when I get to heaven. 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:37.040 We could have a good laugh over Mustache Bill and 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:40.720 the Crimson Dragons. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Mustache 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:43.359 Bill and the Crimson Dragon sounds like a children's book. 0:18:44.000 --> 0:18:47.400 You know who else I'd like to meet in heaven? Cleopatra. 0:18:47.560 --> 0:18:50.359 Oh that's a good choice, don't I know it. Cleopatra 0:18:50.520 --> 0:18:53.560 was probably the foxiest woman of all time. She had 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:56.159 a way about her, that's for sure. I like the 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:58.960 way she did her stuff all right, man, that was 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:01.840 all woman, packed of that Egyptian frame. Hot cha cha. 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.560 Where there's smoke, there's fire. You know what I'm talking about? 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:09.159 Sea Balls? My name isn't Sea Balls? What happened to you? 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:12.600 So you want to meet Cleopatra because she was beautiful? 0:19:12.760 --> 0:19:16.040 Is that it? Little background? Sea balls. I am an 0:19:16.080 --> 0:19:20.640 amateur historian. Almost everyone knows that I've actually won awards 0:19:20.680 --> 0:19:24.320 with my history stuff. AnyWho not to brag, but ancient 0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:27.320 Roman times is kind of my thing. In short, I've 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:30.920 done the research. Cleopatra, as she was known, was the 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:34.359 ruler of Egypt, and this Egypt was not the show 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:36.720 it is today, no, sir. This is what they call 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:39.480 the Golden period of Egypt, when all of Egypt looked 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:43.280 like palm springs. The women looked like the MGM backlot 0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:45.560 in the forties, and the men looked like guys working 0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:48.359 out in muscle beach. Most of the men walked around 0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:51.840 in long beach towels they called togas, and the women 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:54.800 mainly wore one piece bathing suits and four inch heels. 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:58.359 It was a glorious time. There was much playing around 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:02.119 in the sun, games like volley all played with human heads. 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:06.240 The research shows, and other sports that were specific to 0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:10.359 the time, like the game ner athene, which I don't 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:12.719 have the time to explain, but it was something like 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:15.560 the game lacrosse with shovels and rocks and was very popular. 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:19.240 According to my research, into this world of blissful pleasure 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:25.080 comes Cleopatra, Cha, Mama Louis. She looked like Estra Williams 0:20:25.080 --> 0:20:28.720 climbing out of a pool. Sorry. She looked like Dorothy 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:33.400 Lamore walking out of the jungle, Dorothy Veronica Lake, swishing 0:20:33.480 --> 0:20:36.119 and swaying her way onto the scene. I don't know 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:39.120 her either. Sorry, Okay, I'll make it easy, said Charis 0:20:39.400 --> 0:20:44.240 in American in Paris. I wooka nothing. Sorry, Janet Lee, No, 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:48.880 I don't know Gene Harlow nothing. I can't. Let's see 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:52.000 think ron more modern. Here's one Tina Louise moving on. 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:54.639 I don't know her. Okay, what if I threw Angie 0:20:54.720 --> 0:20:59.720 Dickinson your way? Three fast ones, Anita Eckbert, Jane Manson, 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:04.880 Adrian Barbara. Come on, she's contemporary, got it? Wrap your 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:08.200 millennial mind around this bow, Derek, Now, you're just making 0:21:08.280 --> 0:21:11.240 up names. I give up. Let's reframe this. Who was 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:14.840 the most beautiful woman today? I don't know. I think 0:21:14.840 --> 0:21:17.280 we have different ideas of beauty. I mean I find 0:21:17.359 --> 0:21:23.760 Ruth pader Ginsburg to be beautiful. Boy. Okay, forget the analogy. 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:28.280 Into this land of pleasure and decadence walks the lovely Cleopatra, 0:21:28.440 --> 0:21:31.240 looking like Barbara Eden from I Dream of Genie. I 0:21:31.280 --> 0:21:34.080 don't know who that is anyway. This beautiful woman, who 0:21:34.359 --> 0:21:39.600 apparently looks like no one that Carolina can recognize, even 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:45.680 though I gave her fifty prominent examples that any Tom 0:21:45.720 --> 0:21:50.080 Dicker Harry could name, comes over to Julius Caesar's house 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:53.040 in Rome just the biggest, baddest ruler of all time, 0:21:53.600 --> 0:21:56.600 seduces him, has some children, and then heads home on 0:21:56.640 --> 0:21:59.600 a party boat. Cut to a few years later. Now 0:21:59.640 --> 0:22:02.320 there's an new guy in room named Mark Anthony who 0:22:02.320 --> 0:22:05.200 looked like Victor Mature without his shirt on. Who's that? 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:07.680 Just some guy? Forget I said it. He goes to 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.960 visit Cleopatra up the Nile, and guess what, he seduces him. 0:22:11.080 --> 0:22:13.639 They have a couple of kids. So now you see, 0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:15.280 you see why I want to meet up with her. 0:22:16.000 --> 0:22:19.560 I don't know. It's simple. Do I Ron Burgundy have 0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:22.639 the power to resist the greatest temptress in the history 0:22:22.640 --> 0:22:27.000 of mankind? Probably not, but I just gotta find out. 0:22:28.240 --> 0:22:32.080 It's ah, it's time for another ad break. We'll be 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:35.440 right back. You're just not gonna believe who rounds out 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:38.040 my list on the people I would love to meet 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:53.439 in Heaven more after this. Alright, we're back to the 0:22:53.480 --> 0:22:58.200 Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thank you for your listenership. And uh, Carolina, 0:22:58.320 --> 0:23:02.840 I think you're really been enjoying my list of the 0:23:02.880 --> 0:23:04.640 people I'd like to meet in Heaven. I can tell 0:23:04.680 --> 0:23:06.439 by the smile on your face. I mean, it's just 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:10.600 another day at work. I'm I'm just doing my job. Good. Great, 0:23:11.320 --> 0:23:15.840 it's great. It's great to have a job, isn't it, Carolina? Yes? Yes, 0:23:16.359 --> 0:23:19.200