Speaker 1: There are ten people I would like to meet when
Speaker 1: I get to the Pearly Gates. I'm going to list
Speaker 1: them on my show, and one is not Phoebe Kates.
Speaker 1: Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she wouldn't be in
Speaker 1: heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person, a wonderful,
Speaker 1: blonderful person. Ten people I would like to meet in Heaven. Hello,
Speaker 1: podcast listeners. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I'm an
Speaker 1: exceptional man. About a year ago, another wonderful man named
Speaker 1: Mitch Palbon came out with a very popular book called
Speaker 1: The Five People You Meet in Heaven, And although I
Speaker 1: didn't read the book, it was a big time bestseller.
Speaker 1: I prefer saucier stuff when I read. I like historical
Speaker 1: novels about lords and ladies and body wenches and sword
Speaker 1: play I do. I like sword play in my fiction,
Speaker 1: and I like comely lasses too. I also like thought
Speaker 1: provoking literature about the Roman Times. I'm a bit of
Speaker 1: a scholar when it comes to the Roman Times. Did
Speaker 1: you know that they didn't refer to the Roman Times
Speaker 1: as the Roman Times? In the Roman Times? They didn't.
Speaker 1: They called them the now Times, just like we do now.
Speaker 1: Isn't that funny. Oh yes, yes, Carolina is here as always.
Speaker 1: She's my partner in crime for these entertaining talkie talks
Speaker 1: we do called podcast. Hello there, old friend. Were you
Speaker 1: going to tell people what to show is all about? Nonsense?
Speaker 1: It's about nonsense like it is every week. I'm going
Speaker 1: to talk and talk and talk until it's all over,
Speaker 1: and then I'm going to walk to my car, take
Speaker 1: a nap in my car, and then drive to a
Speaker 1: supermarket and get a bottle of scotch. From there, I'll
Speaker 1: head home so I can lounge on my balcony and
Speaker 1: the nude drinking Scotch until I pass out. At some
Speaker 1: point I will eat a steak. You told me there
Speaker 1: was a theme to today's show, though I did, Oh
Speaker 1: so I did. It was the book by Mitch Gablon
Speaker 1: called People You've Got to Meet in Heaven. Well, guess what, Carolina.
Speaker 1: We are going to beat this Ganton guy and we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about not five, but ten people I
Speaker 1: would like to meet in heaven. That's twice what that
Speaker 1: guy talked about. So today's episode is going to be
Speaker 1: about the ten people we would like to meet in heaven.
Speaker 1: That's right, And I think everyone has a shortlist of
Speaker 1: people throughout history that they would like to meet when
Speaker 1: they finally get to Heaven. I mean, don't you, Carolina,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't mean you probably could make
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be clear, Heaven's not just going to
Speaker 1: be about meeting people. There will be tennis courts and
Speaker 1: poolside bars with all you can eat, buffets with tacos
Speaker 1: and make your own ice cream Sundays. There will be
Speaker 1: movie nights and meet and greet socials and Katie Hawkins
Speaker 1: dances and let's not forget world class Sadie Hawkins dance.
Speaker 1: You mean, yeah, Sadie or Katie, depends on what part
Speaker 1: of the country you're from. Also, let's not forget in
Speaker 1: Heaven there's gonna be world class entertainment along with seven
Speaker 1: gaming rooms and the beds. Don't get me started on
Speaker 1: the beds. The thread count on the sheets in Heaven
Speaker 1: will be simply the best. I'm guessing Egyptian cotton, maybe Macy's,
Speaker 1: or maybe they get a discounted bed bath. And beyond it,
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe the
Speaker 1: angels make the sheets and Heaven. You know what, Carolina,
Speaker 1: you just don't know. You don't that's what That's what
Speaker 1: I know. You just don't know. You don't know much
Speaker 1: about heaven except that it will be pure luxury. Oh Carolina,
Speaker 1: You and I would love to have in my bathroom
Speaker 1: up in heaven one of those shower nozzles that hits
Speaker 1: you like thirty five different ways, right in the butt
Speaker 1: hole and the donker. I've always wanted one of those.
Speaker 1: How about you? What kind of shower would you like
Speaker 1: in Heaven? Um, I don't know. I've never really thought
Speaker 1: about it. I mean, I guess I would like it
Speaker 1: to work when I turn it on, and and I
Speaker 1: guess it would be great if the hot water didn't
Speaker 1: cut out all of a sudden. Come on, Carolina, dream
Speaker 1: a little. It's heaven we're talking about. I mean, I
Speaker 1: like good water pressure, But what about thirty five jets
Speaker 1: of high power water hitting your boobies in your butt? Um? Sure,
Speaker 1: I guess I would like that. Now we're talking huh man,
Speaker 1: I can hardly wait to get their TV in the bathroom.
Speaker 1: Should we get on with the theme of today's show?
Speaker 1: You bet. Here's the theme song I wrote for today's show.
Speaker 1: Even though we always have our normal theme songs that
Speaker 1: we play at the beginning of the podcast. But it
Speaker 1: goes like this, there are ten people I would like
Speaker 1: to meet when I get to the early gates. I'm
Speaker 1: going to list them on my show. And one is
Speaker 1: not Phoebe Kates. Phoebe Cats is not dead, so she
Speaker 1: wouldn't be in heaven in any way. She's a wonderful person,
Speaker 1: a wonderful, blonderful person. Ten people I would like to
Speaker 1: meet in heaven. Oh that grab you Huh? You just
Speaker 1: made that up. I've been working on that theme song
Speaker 1: for a week. Nope, Carolina, you are a quick little
Speaker 1: smarty bands. I did indeed make that up. Well, let's
Speaker 1: get on with today's show. The first person I would
Speaker 1: like to meet in heaven is Dougie Stupor knot. Who
Speaker 1: is Douggy stupor Not? Interesting story. I was in junior high,
Speaker 1: so we are going back sometime. And I had a
Speaker 1: baseball glove. And and this was not just any baseball glove,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Baseball glove did I ever?
Speaker 1: I slept with it, I brought it to dances. I
Speaker 1: went everywhere with that baseball glove. I didn't take that
Speaker 1: darn thing off my hand for a whole year, and
Speaker 1: then one day my baseball glove goes missing and I panic.
Speaker 1: I mean, I tried to burn down the school. I
Speaker 1: called the FBI, no joke. I got a drug sniffing
Speaker 1: dog and tried to teach it to smell leather. It
Speaker 1: found horse saddles and wallets and car seats, but the
Speaker 1: stupid dog never found my glove. Then one day I
Speaker 1: got a hot tip. Some people said that they saw
Speaker 1: Dougie stuborn Not with my glove in the park. Now
Speaker 1: stupor Ko had the locker right next to mine, so
Speaker 1: it made perfect sense. I went to his house and
Speaker 1: I confronted him, and you know what he did, He
Speaker 1: lied right to my face. So long story short, when
Speaker 1: I get to Heaven, I'm gonna find doug you stuber Not,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna punch him in the nose and get
Speaker 1: my glove back. The first person you meet in heaven
Speaker 1: a guy named Dougie Stuborn. Not You're going to punch
Speaker 1: in the nose. Okay, who else would you like to
Speaker 1: meet in heaven? Michael Jackson? Oh okay, that's interesting. Why
Speaker 1: does that surprise you? We we were friends once. I
Speaker 1: didn't know anything about any of that other junk that
Speaker 1: was going on. I was. I was more friends with Tito,
Speaker 1: but Michael and I had a love of animals. We shared.
Speaker 1: He had his monkeys and I had Baxter. Anyway, most
Speaker 1: people know that for a short while I had the
Speaker 1: world's largest collection of domesticated big horn sheep. Can you
Speaker 1: domesticate a big horn sheep? Not really, but I had
Speaker 1: two of them in my backyard and they were about
Speaker 1: as domesticated as you could get. That was the world's
Speaker 1: largest collection, world's largest, or maybe they were they were
Speaker 1: just sick, who knows. I had the Jackson's over for
Speaker 1: dinner one night. Michael was just a boy, maybe fourteen. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I could tell he liked the big horns, and well,
Speaker 1: it was a wonderful night. We played twister and sang
Speaker 1: songs and and then they left. And then I noticed
Speaker 1: that one of my big horns was gone. Yeah, the
Speaker 1: one I called lazy butt, on account that he never
Speaker 1: moved or did anything and just sat around and looked
Speaker 1: tired and sad. And I found out years later Michael
Speaker 1: Jackson has a whole zoo at his house. So the
Speaker 1: proof is in the pudding. I know that that guy
Speaker 1: stole one of my big horns. Anyway, when I get
Speaker 1: to Heaven, I'm gonna find Michael Jackson and punch him
Speaker 1: in the news and find out what happened to my
Speaker 1: bighorn sheep. So are there people you would want to
Speaker 1: meet in Heaven that you wouldn't punch the nose? Sure?
Speaker 1: What about Yoda? Yoda from Star Wars? Yep, he's not
Speaker 1: real in heaven, he's real. I'd really like to sit
Speaker 1: down with Yoda. Not because he's a green blob of
Speaker 1: a guy, or because he talks backwards, or because he's
Speaker 1: a smart guy, or because he can float in the air.
Speaker 1: I would like to talk to Yoda because he's like
Speaker 1: eight hundred years old. How fun would that be? Right?
Speaker 1: You could ask a guy like that almost anything. What
Speaker 1: was it like to roll a hoop down the street
Speaker 1: for fun? What? What what's it like to kill a witch?
Speaker 1: Who was the baddest mofo during the Civil War? How
Speaker 1: tall was Alexander Hamilton's And believe me, he would be
Speaker 1: happy to tell you. That guy can talk up a stormy.
Speaker 1: He takes his time, but he can sure talk. Did
Speaker 1: you ever see the movie Star Wars. Did I see
Speaker 1: Star Wars? Yes, it's it's a movie that takes place
Speaker 1: in outer space with laser shooters. Huh did you see Yeah,
Speaker 1: everyone saw Star Wars. Yes, I saw it. Then you
Speaker 1: know about Yoda. He doesn't really show up until the
Speaker 1: Second Star Wars. You know. You may know it as
Speaker 1: the fifth Star Wars, but in my day it was
Speaker 1: called the second Star Wars. Actually, Ronald Reagan started Star Wars,
Speaker 1: but George Lucas gave it the pizzas. So you would
Speaker 1: like to meet Yoda in heaven and ask him about
Speaker 1: notable moments from American history. Notice I said Yoda, not
Speaker 1: baby Yoda. Baby Yoda is ridiculous and stupid. I had
Speaker 1: no intention of ever talking to that guy. I don't
Speaker 1: see what the big deal is. He's not cute, he
Speaker 1: doesn't talk, he's not even a good actor, but the
Speaker 1: real grown up Yoda. But he's a cool customer in heaven,
Speaker 1: and there's there's probably a line out the back of
Speaker 1: Heaven to talk to him or get him to sign stuff.
Speaker 1: And I wouldn't wait in a line. But eventually I
Speaker 1: get my chance to talk to Yoda. I'm not one
Speaker 1: of those crazy Star wars. People you see down in
Speaker 1: my neck of the woods around comic con, you know
Speaker 1: the type. They get all dressed up and play with
Speaker 1: fake lightsabers. Carolina, you ever you ever heard of comic con?
Speaker 1: Once again, everyone has heard of comic con. Don't sense me.
Speaker 1: It's a very big deal down in my neck of
Speaker 1: the woods. It happens every year, and let me tell
Speaker 1: you it is a magical extravagance. Of the streets are
Speaker 1: filled with the colors of the rainbow, and there's like
Speaker 1: sixteen Spider Man's and thirty Wonder Woman's and usually a
Speaker 1: Count Dracula. And you're like, guy, is that the best
Speaker 1: you can do? Count Dracula? But it's a it's a
Speaker 1: ton of fun. I usually open up a little butter
Speaker 1: brickle stand to make a few extra shekels the week
Speaker 1: comic Con comes to town, don't It's called ron Burgundies
Speaker 1: Bodacious butter brickle, and it's usually the hit a comic con.
Speaker 1: Google it you'll see it's called ron burgundiese bodacious butter Brickle.
Speaker 1: That's goody, you know, Carolina. Before we continue, I let's
Speaker 1: take an ad break. We'll take a little pause here,
Speaker 1: and when we come back, we will talk a little
Speaker 1: bit more on people I would love to meet in heaven.
Speaker 1: And we're back at the Ron Burgundy Podcast. We're listening
Speaker 1: to Ron list his ten people he would like to
Speaker 1: meet in heaven. Yes, he's a controversial one. I'd like
Speaker 1: to meet John F. Kennedy when I get to heaven. No. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he would be interesting, probably very smart. The main reason
Speaker 1: I'd like to meet JFK. As he is sometimes known,
Speaker 1: is because he might be able to confirm my deepest
Speaker 1: suspicion about who really killed him. H Lee Harvey Oswald
Speaker 1: killed Kennedy. Ah, oh, Carolina, you said, unquestioning, naive young woman.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't expect you to understand. But the world isn't
Speaker 1: always wrapped up in the neat little pink bow that
Speaker 1: you wanted to be. No, there are a lot of
Speaker 1: theories about who killed Kennedy. Did the Russians do it?
Speaker 1: What about the mob? Some people think Lyndon B. Johnson
Speaker 1: paid Oswald to do it. Hoover was in love with Oswald.
Speaker 1: That was a known fact, so maybe he did it.
Speaker 1: There are those not many who think Christopher Walkin did it.
Speaker 1: Even aliens come into play, But I've I've had my
Speaker 1: own theory for quite some time. And if I get
Speaker 1: a chance to ask j f K, I bet he
Speaker 1: would tell me. I'm right. Who do you think killed Kennedy? Well,
Speaker 1: simple math. Everyone knew the thirty fifth president was sleeping
Speaker 1: with Marilyn Monroe, that voluptuous, blonde bombshell and Hollywood vixen.
Speaker 1: And what red blooded American male would not sleep with
Speaker 1: Marilyn Monroe if given the chance? Huh? Wh wouldn't sleep
Speaker 1: with Marilyn Monroe? Can you think of anyone? Would you
Speaker 1: would sleep with her? Right? I mean, yeah, I guess
Speaker 1: I would. You wouldn't kick her out of bed for
Speaker 1: eating crackers? No, I wouldn't Marilyn Monroe? Classic, I mean,
Speaker 1: I dig up her grave and take her for a
Speaker 1: ride today if I thought the worms hadn't already eaten
Speaker 1: her up. Oh my god? Uh uh you know what? No,
Speaker 1: I yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Don't work, you
Speaker 1: know what? I will edit that out later. No, No,
Speaker 1: I got it. Anyway, all of Washington, New JFK, and
Speaker 1: Maryland were sneaking off to engage in sexual activity, and
Speaker 1: this did not sit well with someone in particular. And
Speaker 1: this someone hatched a plan. While the motorcaid steered its
Speaker 1: way through the hot streets of Dallas that unforgettable day,
Speaker 1: Jacqueline Lee Kennedy reached into her purse and pulled out
Speaker 1: a tiny pistol that blew open our president's head. So
Speaker 1: do you think Jackie Kennedy killed jfk Hell no fury
Speaker 1: like a woman scorned. It's a theory. I dabbled in criminology,
Speaker 1: A parlor game, really, but it's a lot of fun.
Speaker 1: So if I saw him in heaven, I would ask him, Hey,
Speaker 1: did your wife shoot you in the head. I can
Speaker 1: see it now, the slow smile and the chuckle and
Speaker 1: finally the admission. You'd probably shake my hand as the
Speaker 1: first person to solve the case. Anyway, who else? I mean,
Speaker 1: you can meet anyone. What about like Gandhi or Napoleon
Speaker 1: or Lincoln. I've got one Jerry Lewis. That guy always
Speaker 1: made me laugh with his antics, The King of slapstick.
Speaker 1: Jerry Lewis. What a performer. That's a guy I would
Speaker 1: want to meet. Then I'd go for jazz musician Miles Davis.
Speaker 1: That's pretty cool, ye, Well, for those of you who
Speaker 1: don't know, I play a pretty solid jazz flute. In fact,
Speaker 1: I'd say I can sit in with the best of them. Anyway,
Speaker 1: Miles and I go way back. I was once covering
Speaker 1: a news story in a little town outside of Denver
Speaker 1: called Mullenston. Look it up, It's on Google. And after
Speaker 1: a after a long day's work, I pulled into a
Speaker 1: roadside bar to have a scotch and check out the
Speaker 1: local color. Up on the bandstand was none other than
Speaker 1: Miles Davis. This was in his Coltrane period, so it
Speaker 1: was him and John Coltrane. Anyway. The crowd was comprised
Speaker 1: of mainly cowboys and hicks, and it it struck me
Speaker 1: as odd that Miles would have gotten the gig in
Speaker 1: this out of the way joint. But I was digging
Speaker 1: the sound and enjoying the scotch when all of a
Speaker 1: sudden there was a roar of thunder and the doors
Speaker 1: burst open. It was a biker gang, but not just
Speaker 1: any biker gang, but the most fearsome of them all,
Speaker 1: the Crimson Dragons. I thought the Hell's Angels were like
Speaker 1: the most notorious biker gang. Okay, but you know what,
Speaker 1: this is my story, Caroline. If you want to make
Speaker 1: up a biker gang name for your stories, then you
Speaker 1: can do that. But but this is my story. So
Speaker 1: the Crimson Dragons it is. It just doesn't even sound tough.
Speaker 1: It sounds like a girls soccer team. These were tough
Speaker 1: guy eyes. It must have been fifty of them, leather jackets, beards,
Speaker 1: blue jeans, the whole nine yards. And they didn't like jazz.
Speaker 1: The leader of the group a big scary guy named
Speaker 1: Mustache Bill. Yell out, get them musicians off the stage.
Speaker 1: Mustache the leader of the Crimson Dragons. Yes, he was
Speaker 1: six ft ten weighed three hundred pounds. To kill him
Speaker 1: with a gun would take fifteen rounds. He ate like
Speaker 1: a bear, and he smelled like one too. Every time
Speaker 1: he pooped it was a mountain of pooh. In one
Speaker 1: hand he held across from his wife. In the other
Speaker 1: hand he carried a big bowie knife. The cross was
Speaker 1: for prayer and the knife for to kill. And that's
Speaker 1: why they called him Mustache Bill. You wrote a poem.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure what you're talking about anyway, This mean
Speaker 1: old Mustache Bill says, get them musicians off the stage.
Speaker 1: And I could see that Miles and Train were scared
Speaker 1: to death. The old gang started running for the band,
Speaker 1: knocking over chairs and tossing people around. Well that's when
Speaker 1: I remember that I had my flute with me, and
Speaker 1: as they are running to beat up the guys in
Speaker 1: the band, I yell out, anyone who doesn't like jazz
Speaker 1: is a square. And I know it sounds like a
Speaker 1: pretty soft insult these days, but back then, whoa boy?
Speaker 1: You call someone a square? And it was like calling
Speaker 1: them a mother today anyway, the guy comes to a
Speaker 1: dead halt and turns to look at me. The bar
Speaker 1: is as quiet as a whorehouse on a Sunday morning.
Speaker 1: Mustache Bill starts to walk towards me, holding the big
Speaker 1: booie knife that there wasn't a poem. He starts to
Speaker 1: walk towards me, and that's when I bring the flute
Speaker 1: to my mouth and blow. At first something soft and juicy,
Speaker 1: But then my mojo gets going and I get real soulful,
Speaker 1: and some of the guys in the motorcycle gang start
Speaker 1: getting into the groove, as they say, and I get
Speaker 1: deeper into a day own home jazz funk kind of thing.
Speaker 1: The rhythm section starts to join in, and I can
Speaker 1: see now I have the whole gang in the palm
Speaker 1: of my hand. Then Miles and Coltrane start playing with me.
Speaker 1: Each new riff has them cheering and shouting. They hardly
Speaker 1: let us finish. I want more jazz, shouted Mustache Bill.
Speaker 1: We played on into the morning. Miles Davis thank me
Speaker 1: for saving the band, and off I went into the
Speaker 1: early morning air of the Rocky Mountains, satisfied that jazz
Speaker 1: flute had saved another life. So yeah, I'd like to
Speaker 1: see my old friend Miles Davis when I get to heaven.
Speaker 1: We could have a good laugh over Mustache Bill and
Speaker 1: the Crimson Dragons. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Mustache
Speaker 1: Bill and the Crimson Dragon sounds like a children's book.
Speaker 1: You know who else I'd like to meet in heaven? Cleopatra.
Speaker 1: Oh that's a good choice, don't I know it. Cleopatra
Speaker 1: was probably the foxiest woman of all time. She had
Speaker 1: a way about her, that's for sure. I like the
Speaker 1: way she did her stuff all right, man, that was
Speaker 1: all woman, packed of that Egyptian frame. Hot cha cha.
Speaker 1: Where there's smoke, there's fire. You know what I'm talking about?
Speaker 1: Sea Balls? My name isn't Sea Balls? What happened to you?
Speaker 1: So you want to meet Cleopatra because she was beautiful?
Speaker 1: Is that it? Little background? Sea balls. I am an
Speaker 1: amateur historian. Almost everyone knows that I've actually won awards
Speaker 1: with my history stuff. AnyWho not to brag, but ancient
Speaker 1: Roman times is kind of my thing. In short, I've
Speaker 1: done the research. Cleopatra, as she was known, was the
Speaker 1: ruler of Egypt, and this Egypt was not the show
Speaker 1: it is today, no, sir. This is what they call
Speaker 1: the Golden period of Egypt, when all of Egypt looked
Speaker 1: like palm springs. The women looked like the MGM backlot
Speaker 1: in the forties, and the men looked like guys working
Speaker 1: out in muscle beach. Most of the men walked around
Speaker 1: in long beach towels they called togas, and the women
Speaker 1: mainly wore one piece bathing suits and four inch heels.
Speaker 1: It was a glorious time. There was much playing around
Speaker 1: in the sun, games like volley all played with human heads.
Speaker 1: The research shows, and other sports that were specific to
Speaker 1: the time, like the game ner athene, which I don't
Speaker 1: have the time to explain, but it was something like
Speaker 1: the game lacrosse with shovels and rocks and was very popular.
Speaker 1: According to my research, into this world of blissful pleasure
Speaker 1: comes Cleopatra, Cha, Mama Louis. She looked like Estra Williams
Speaker 1: climbing out of a pool. Sorry. She looked like Dorothy
Speaker 1: Lamore walking out of the jungle, Dorothy Veronica Lake, swishing
Speaker 1: and swaying her way onto the scene. I don't know
Speaker 1: her either. Sorry, Okay, I'll make it easy, said Charis
Speaker 1: in American in Paris. I wooka nothing. Sorry, Janet Lee, No,
Speaker 1: I don't know Gene Harlow nothing. I can't. Let's see
Speaker 1: think ron more modern. Here's one Tina Louise moving on.
Speaker 1: I don't know her. Okay, what if I threw Angie
Speaker 1: Dickinson your way? Three fast ones, Anita Eckbert, Jane Manson,
Speaker 1: Adrian Barbara. Come on, she's contemporary, got it? Wrap your
Speaker 1: millennial mind around this bow, Derek, Now, you're just making
Speaker 1: up names. I give up. Let's reframe this. Who was
Speaker 1: the most beautiful woman today? I don't know. I think
Speaker 1: we have different ideas of beauty. I mean I find
Speaker 1: Ruth pader Ginsburg to be beautiful. Boy. Okay, forget the analogy.
Speaker 1: Into this land of pleasure and decadence walks the lovely Cleopatra,
Speaker 1: looking like Barbara Eden from I Dream of Genie. I
Speaker 1: don't know who that is anyway. This beautiful woman, who
Speaker 1: apparently looks like no one that Carolina can recognize, even
Speaker 1: though I gave her fifty prominent examples that any Tom
Speaker 1: Dicker Harry could name, comes over to Julius Caesar's house
Speaker 1: in Rome just the biggest, baddest ruler of all time,
Speaker 1: seduces him, has some children, and then heads home on
Speaker 1: a party boat. Cut to a few years later. Now
Speaker 1: there's an new guy in room named Mark Anthony who
Speaker 1: looked like Victor Mature without his shirt on. Who's that?
Speaker 1: Just some guy? Forget I said it. He goes to
Speaker 1: visit Cleopatra up the Nile, and guess what, he seduces him.
Speaker 1: They have a couple of kids. So now you see,
Speaker 1: you see why I want to meet up with her.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's simple. Do I Ron Burgundy have
Speaker 1: the power to resist the greatest temptress in the history
Speaker 1: of mankind? Probably not, but I just gotta find out.
Speaker 1: It's ah, it's time for another ad break. We'll be
Speaker 1: right back. You're just not gonna believe who rounds out
Speaker 1: my list on the people I would love to meet
Speaker 1: in Heaven more after this. Alright, we're back to the
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy Podcast. Thank you for your listenership. And uh, Carolina,
Speaker 1: I think you're really been enjoying my list of the
Speaker 1: people I'd like to meet in Heaven. I can tell
Speaker 1: by the smile on your face. I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: another day at work. I'm I'm just doing my job. Good. Great,
Speaker 1: it's great. It's great to have a job, isn't it, Carolina? Yes? Yes,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? So where were we? Oh? Yeah, I'd
Speaker 1: like to sit down and meet Lassie, last the dog.
Speaker 1: That's right, Lastie, the Collie dog. Of all the great
Speaker 1: animals that have passed away and gone to heaven, I
Speaker 1: think Lastie would be the most interesting to meet. Sure,
Speaker 1: Flipper the dolphin or Babe the pig come to mind,
Speaker 1: But if I see them in a coffee shop up there,
Speaker 1: I will no doubt say hello. But Lassie is the
Speaker 1: lady I want to talk to you. Do you think
Speaker 1: you'll be able to communicate with animals in heaven? Why not?
Speaker 1: I mean I talked to you know, my dog Baxter
Speaker 1: every day, and he talks back to me quite often
Speaker 1: in a very dismissive tone. Baxter is a cantankerous little
Speaker 1: rascal sometimes who can dish it out just as much
Speaker 1: as he can take it. He could be a real Now, Lastie,
Speaker 1: that's a classy lady. She's she saved lives, stopped criminals,
Speaker 1: started her own TV show, What a guest she would
Speaker 1: be on the Ron Burgundy Podcast in Heaven. You do
Speaker 1: know that over the years there were probably multiple last
Speaker 1: Sees that played the part of Lassie, like they all
Speaker 1: had different names and different trainers. Probably you can be
Speaker 1: a real pill sometimes. Well, next William Shakespeare, the writer,
Speaker 1: is there another William Shakespeare? Well, I don't know if
Speaker 1: if you knew that William Shakespeare was a writer. No,
Speaker 1: most people know that. Well you never heard of Dorothy Lamore,
Speaker 1: so I figured maybe there was a gas leak or something,
Speaker 1: or you couldn't remember stuff. I know who William Shakespeare
Speaker 1: is good. He's one of the ten people that I'd
Speaker 1: like to meet in Heaven. That's the theme of today's show.
Speaker 1: As as you know, I'm also a writer, mainly letters
Speaker 1: to food companies and airlines, but I also have written
Speaker 1: eight unpublished novels and two books of poetry, a self
Speaker 1: help book, a total fitness book, a book about ghosts,
Speaker 1: and I'm working on a history of all mankind. So
Speaker 1: as a writer, I think it would be very interesting
Speaker 1: to get into the mind of this guy Shakespeare, writer
Speaker 1: to writer. How does he work, what's his process? And
Speaker 1: when starting a novel does he like to work off
Speaker 1: an outline? That kind of stuff? He wrote plays in poetry,
Speaker 1: didn't he didn't write any novels. Okay, miss college graduate,
Speaker 1: I'm sure he wrote some novels. They probably just weren't
Speaker 1: published at the time. Hamlet was a novel. The Hamlet
Speaker 1: is a play. I'll be checking that on Google later.
Speaker 1: People throw facts around these days like they know stuff,
Speaker 1: but you can't escape the Google anyway. My point is,
Speaker 1: if I could sit down with this guy Shakespeare, I
Speaker 1: could really figure out what makes him tick and not
Speaker 1: to toot my own horn, but I can imagine he
Speaker 1: would want to know my process as well. For instance,
Speaker 1: I talked into a tape recorder when I feel a
Speaker 1: novel coming on, I can talk out a whole novel
Speaker 1: on a regular Sunday drive. Then I have someone type
Speaker 1: it up and viola, I'm done. One complete novel. But
Speaker 1: I bet Shakespeare wishes he could have done that. Huh
Speaker 1: do you think? I don't know? Well, anyway, Shakespeare and
Speaker 1: I probably have a ton of common, so I bet
Speaker 1: we could be pals in heaven. That's eight people, and
Speaker 1: you have two more. Here's someone I would love to meeting.
Speaker 1: And I don't care, Lota, you're a big fan of two?
Speaker 1: Mr Evil Knevil? Yes, what is the interest there? Well?
Speaker 1: I mean, that guy just played by his own rules.
Speaker 1: You know, he just said, Hey, you don't think I
Speaker 1: can jump twenty one British double decker busses at Wimbley Stadium.
Speaker 1: Let me show you which, by the way, he clipped
Speaker 1: the last bus and wiped out horribly. But my point
Speaker 1: is the pageantry, the flare, the capes, just the moxie. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he sounded like from what I've read about him, that
Speaker 1: he really struggle with alcoholism and openly cheated on his wife.
Speaker 1: And you know a lot of the stunts he pulled.
Speaker 1: He knew he would get an audience just because he
Speaker 1: would fail and injure himself. Then wouldn't that be fascinating
Speaker 1: to talk to him face to face? Um? Yeah, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: And what I love too. Is that he that was
Speaker 1: his birth name and he turned it into a positive.
Speaker 1: Someone named him Evil Knevil. Clarence and Marcia kne Evil
Speaker 1: named their son Evil, and he said, I'm gonna turn
Speaker 1: this into a positive and make some sense out of
Speaker 1: this name. So crazy, Clarence and Marcia just couldn't help themselves.
Speaker 1: I bet you he had few regrets. I actually think
Speaker 1: he may have had many, and that's something you could
Speaker 1: talk to about. Yeah, I just feel like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: want to meet different people, and so you can meet him,
Speaker 1: and I will talk to Winston Churchill. I just I
Speaker 1: feel like we might be in different crowds. Okay, but
Speaker 1: don't call me on my heaven cell phone when you're
Speaker 1: hearing you know how great my dinner parties are going
Speaker 1: compared to yours. Okay, I won't. I will call you
Speaker 1: on your heaven cell phone when I want to talk,
Speaker 1: but we'll have separate parties. Fine. Fine, And I have
Speaker 1: a feeling you're going to regret that statement. I hope,
Speaker 1: I hope. I don't. In fact, I don't know if
Speaker 1: I want you at some of my parties in heaven.
Speaker 1: So I'm already not invited but what if I'm in
Speaker 1: the neighborhood. What if I make a wrong turn and
Speaker 1: I end up in your cul de sect? Just respect
Speaker 1: that I might want privacy. You know, Heaven's golf course living.
Speaker 1: It's a resort style living, right, My heaven might be different,
Speaker 1: but sure, we don't have a choice. Okay, I just
Speaker 1: find it sad that my heaven I'll be living on
Speaker 1: a golf course. Most theologians concur that a rough guideline
Speaker 1: of what heaven is going to look like. Now, I've
Speaker 1: never been to this place myself personally. I've seen photos
Speaker 1: and it looks marvelous, but a rough template of what
Speaker 1: heaven is going to look like mar lago. I I
Speaker 1: truly think that might be how coral colored Italian villas, stucco,
Speaker 1: beautiful sculptures, fountains, marble for days, and golf, a lot
Speaker 1: of green pillars, a lot of faux antiquities. And that's
Speaker 1: that's what is in store. I just feel like heavens
Speaker 1: a little bit more like a Raphallian painting. You know,
Speaker 1: maybe um, some nymphs, maybe some centaurs who are kept
Speaker 1: in a zoo. No, you go, you can go visit
Speaker 1: the nymphs. And the centers at the zoo, the Heaven Zoo.
Speaker 1: I don't one zoos. In Heaven. Everyone gets their own
Speaker 1: golf cart. Did you know that? No? I didn't. They
Speaker 1: do absolutely. Can you remember the joy and the thrill
Speaker 1: of the first time you got to drive in a
Speaker 1: golf cart as a little kid? Pretty fun? Yeah, So
Speaker 1: you're gonna have your own personalized golf cart. You don't
Speaker 1: have to recharge it. It's Heaven. It's an endless power
Speaker 1: supply and you're just gonna cruise around and you know,
Speaker 1: have breakfast at ten in the morning, leisurely breakfast, play
Speaker 1: a few rounds of golf, grab a grab a soak,
Speaker 1: a sauna or a hot tub, lunch, cocktails at three,
Speaker 1: fish dinner at six in bed by eight forever, fish
Speaker 1: dinner at six, or you can order the tenderline. So
Speaker 1: that's that's roughly what it's going to be like. I
Speaker 1: just wish there are more options. I guess, well, it's
Speaker 1: tough when you're only option is high level luxury. So
Speaker 1: I mean, is there any how do you go up
Speaker 1: from there? Oh? I feel like after infinity, tenderloins or fish,
Speaker 1: I would start to hate Heaven. But do you like
Speaker 1: infinity pools, because there will be one infinity pool in
Speaker 1: the center of the property that no joke goes on
Speaker 1: for infinity. Oh, that's an existential crisis. In fact, you
Speaker 1: have to be careful because you don't figure out where
Speaker 1: the entrance point of the pool is. You'll just you'll
Speaker 1: go forever. Yeah, you may start back up again, may
Speaker 1: start exactly. Um, but that's a brief that's a brief
Speaker 1: sketch of what the cozy confines of heaven. Eleven o'clock
Speaker 1: cur for you. By the way, what do the guys
Speaker 1: wear there? Golf attire? Slacks, um golf shirts. You can
Speaker 1: wear shorts, but you gotta make sure you tuck your
Speaker 1: shirt in. I don't look good in that outfit. By
Speaker 1: the way, women preferably skirts. You can wear pants with pleats,
Speaker 1: you have to be pleaded, but comfortable golf attire. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be hard. So it's good. It sounds great.
Speaker 1: I feel like I might be single in heaven. And
Speaker 1: speaking of heaven, will round up our list the number
Speaker 1: one person I'd like to meet, Yes, drum roll please,
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ. Not not a I know that's day one stuff.
Speaker 1: But you don't go to the Louver Museum without seeing
Speaker 1: the Mona Lisa. You don't go to New York without
Speaker 1: climbing to the top of the christ they're building, and
Speaker 1: you don't go to Heaven without seeing the man. Just
Speaker 1: be interesting to sit down with that cat. Would you
Speaker 1: ask for a picture, of course? Yeah, well there's going
Speaker 1: once again, there's going to be a photographer throughout There
Speaker 1: always be an on set photographer that haven't just and
Speaker 1: he'll be like, can I get you two together? Please
Speaker 1: put your drinks down. They never want you know, they
Speaker 1: don't want you to be photographed with a cocktailer man.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'll probably I'd probably get a photograph upfront.
Speaker 1: It's like an expensive armitsvah, yeah, that's where the production
Speaker 1: value and uh, and then I would just let's see,
Speaker 1: I'd I'd say, uh, I'd say why did you do it?
Speaker 1: Why did you and your dad come up with the
Speaker 1: whole shebang? That's what I'd ask him. Until then, That's
Speaker 1: that's what we ask ourselves every day. Why the whole shebang?
Speaker 1: Why the reason for any of it? What the hell
Speaker 1: is all the nonsense about? I suspect we would have
Speaker 1: to say something like we're here to love one another.
Speaker 1: It's a shame, really that most of us wait until
Speaker 1: we get to heaven to realize it. But what a
Speaker 1: beautiful shame right in the meantime, Let's keep on deluding ourselves.
Speaker 1: If we we can't love everyone, let's try and stay glassy, folks.
Speaker 1: My name is Bron Burgundy. Good Night, Boston, Boston. The
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Ii'm Ron Burgundy. The host, writer and executive producer Carolina
Speaker 1: Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer
Speaker 1: is Nick Stump. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers
Speaker 1: are Andrew Steele and Jake Fobois. This episode was engineered, mixed,
Speaker 1: and edited by Nick Stuff. Until next time, this is
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy.